All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E22 - Win, Lose, or Draw (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

I will certify the results after
all the precincts have reported.

A final tally within 1% will
trigger an automatic recount.

In the event of an exact tie, the seat
is awarded to the male candidate,

and the female candidate
is put in jail.

Once again,
I have to object.

I don't think it would hold up
in court but it is city law.

Any questions?
Yes, actually.

At the eleventh hour,
the Newports

are trying to install
these voting machines

in several precincts
around town.

Watch what happens when I
vote for Bobby Newport.

Shouldn't we be rewarding
our citizens for voting?

I'm never against anyone
getting a candy bar.

But watch what happens
when you vote for me.

Then, you have to
press it again.

I'm sorry. I just don't
see the problem.

Okay, everyone. Ahem!

Today is election day,

as we all know, and I'd just
like to say a few words.

Okay.

Six months
ago we came together...

Again?

You're getting tears
in my Eggs Florentine.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm going
to try again later. Okay?

Bobby Newport and I are separated
by a razor-thin margin.

Could go either way.

I've only slept nine hours
over the past four days.

So, I'm right on the verge
of a nervous breakdown.

This isn't a bagel.

Since Leslie is
an embarrassing disaster,

let me go over
tonight's agenda.

Party starts at 7:00

in the historic Jermaine Jackson
Ballroom at the Pawnee SuperSuites.

It is no longer a "Pimps
and Hoes" pajama party.

That idea was
nixed by a certain

uptight nerd who
shall remain nameless.

By 10:00, we should know
if Leslie won the election.

But more importantly, tonight, Ann
and I are getting back together.

Oh, right. Because
of a dream you had?

Last night,
at approximately 2:30 a.m.,

I woke up from a dream
that felt so real

that it had
to be a premonition.

Me, Drake,
and the T-Mobile girl

were playing baccarat
on a private jet.

Ann Perkins walks up
to me, and she says,

"Tommy, tomorrow night,
I'm taking you back."

Then, Blue Ivy Carter high-fived
me and gave me $40 million.

It was all so real.

Do me a favor there, Dana.

Reach into that crate, pull out
a bottle of single malt scotch,

pour me four fingers of it
and throw away the cap.

Sorry, I only have
blended whisky.

Why? Are children even
allowed at this event?

Nobody touches this but me.

It's been along,
hard-fought campaign.

I have been forced to do
many things I don't enjoy,

like write things down
and speak with people.

But now I'm alone, I have my favorite
whisky, things are looking up.

Bacon-wrapped shrimp?

Thank you, ma'am.
I'll take it from here.

Okay.

Just keep it
in the pocket.

Hey! You guys all set?

Yeah. What we did is
I wrote two versions

of my amazing campaign
anthem Catch Your Dream.

If we win, I sing...

Catch your dream and
shackle it to your heart

But if we lose,
I'm just going to sing...

Screw your dream

Shackle it up its own butt

So?

Well, I hope she wins.

Oh, gosh, me too.

Oh!

April!

Honey? No, no, no,
hey, okay.

Calm down.
I'll be right there.

You guys, April's in trouble.
I have to go.

If I die before I get back,
Rivers, you're the new me.

Chang, you're the new Rivers.

Burly, you're out of the band.
I'm the only one who likes you.

Okay, Later, dudes.

How do you feel, Bobby?

So good.
You have no idea.

I'm super psyched this is over.
It's been hard.

The reason why Bobby and
I are appearing together

is to send the message that
everyone should get out and vote,

no matter who
they're voting for.

That's right. Another
awesome point by Leslie.

That's why
I'm voting for you.

What's so funny?

They were laughing
at your joke.

What joke?
I am voting for you.

You're not voting
for yourself?

Leslie, you can't
vote for yourself,

I don't think. I'm pretty
sure that's illegal.

Anything else?

Bobby, if you won, what
would be your first thing...

Hey. You did an unbelievable
job on this campaign, Ben.

My partners back in
Washington think so, too.

Well, Leslie gets
the credit, not me.

Look. Your opponent
is legendarily stupid,

and I phoned it
in pretty hard.

But you have
a knack for this.

I'm running Congressman
Murray's re-election bid.

Ohio Nineteen.

I need someone to
coordinate out of D.C.

You want to do it?

Yeah. That sounds great,
but the Pacers called,

and they're asking me to be
their starting point guard.

I'm being serious, Ben.

What? What, you'd trust me
with a congressional campaign?

Is this a trick?

No, this is a job offer.

Give me your answer soon. I'd need
you in Washington in two days.

Look at that. Look at that thing.
What is that?

Don't touch it.

Look at that little cap.

Okay, we need to collect every
single piece of paper in this room

and put it
in these boxes.

And if anyone wants to help
assemble Leslie's scrapbooks,

get a book and
start scrapping.

Oh!

No, I said every
single piece of paper.

It's half a napkin with
"Steve" written on it.

This is Leslie Knope, okay? There
is no such thing as trivial.

Everybody in this room, find
out who Steve is. Immediately!

Ann Perkins. I'm so
glad that I found you.

Ann, we dated
and then we broke up.

And recently, I came
to you and I told you

that I still have
feelings for you,

but you did not
feel the same way.

And I've gotten beyond it
and now we're best friends.

Oh. I might actually say
that Leslie's my best friend.

Mine, too. Can I ask
your advice on something?

Sure.

Recently, in a moment
of weakness, I had sex

with Bobby Newport's campaign
manager, Jennifer Barkley.

Seriously?
Yes, several times.

And then,
several more times.

And then
a couple more times.

And then one more time.

How long has this
been going on?

Oh, it's just
last night.

Now, I know that it's a one night
stand, and that she's leaving town.

But our ferocious sexual decathlon
did radically improve my mood,

and I'd kind of like to see
her again before she leaves.

Good idea? Bad idea?

I don't know. I guess
the campaign is over.

So, I suppose
it couldn't hurt.

That is exactly the kind of careful
consideration and positive feedback

that I've come to expect
from my best friend.

Ann Perkins.

April?
Got your message!

Where are you?
Under the table.

Why are you hiding?

Should I hide, too?
Babe, what's going on?

I was supposed to copy all the
department files onto a thumb drive,

and it kept freezing
and I got annoyed

and I don't know
what happened,

but all of
the files are gone.

On every computer.

They're all gone.
Babe, they're all gone.

Okay. Okay, calm down.

First of all, you did the right
thing by hiding under this table.

Secondly,
your man is here.

I'm going to take
care of this for us.

I've been playing
Xbox for years.

I'm really good at fixing it when it freezes.
I know exactly what to do.

Try it now.

I don't know. I feel like
I'm forgetting something.

What about my speeches?

Finished both of
them last night.

One if you win,
one if you lose.

What if I tie?

You need to write
a tie speech for me.

Something about the poetic
nature of democracy,

and how I'm going to fight this
thing from my prison cell.

Leslie, relax.
We're done.

All that's left is
the waiting. Okay?

What were you
talking to Jen about?

Oh, nothing.

No, I just... Nothing.

She... She's... Nothing.
Nothing. It's nothing.

Hey, what's a good
place to buy jeans?

You have plenty of jeans.

What were you talking about?
Okay.

Jen offered me a job working
on a congressional campaign.

Oh, my God.
That's amazing.

In Washington.

What?

Are you happy or angry?

I don't know. I don't know. What did you say?
Did you say yes?

I haven't had a chance to think about it.
I mean, it sounds amazing.

But six months
in Washington, D.C

away from you.

But we should
talk about it.

Yeah, we'll just talk about it.
We'll mull it over.

We'll look at it
from every side,

et cetera, et cetera.
I'm going to go vote.

Just fulfill
a lifelong dream of mine

and achieve one of my all-time
happiest moments real quick.

And then we will
talk about it.

Cool.

Leslie, I can't figure this thing out.
Can you help me?

Yeah. Just hang on
a second, Bobby.

I got ink all over my hands, and
the pen thingy came off the chain.

I don't get it.

The polls
have just closed,

and now, we're getting results
in the race for City Council.

With just 1% of
the precincts reporting,

adult film star, Brandi Maxxxx,
has a commanding lead.

Oh, my God. That's it.
It's over. I've lost.

Leslie, it's nine votes.

Yeah, and Brandi Maxxxx
has six of them.

It's not Bobby Newport who's going to beat me.
It's Brandi Maxxxx.

The porn star.
What is this, Italy?

Listen, I know you're stressed out.
And I figured you would be,

so I took the liberty of arranging
a fun little activity for us.

You did?
Ann, thank you so much.

I've said this to you before, and I
know it makes you uncomfortable.

Oh, boy. But you're thoughtful
and you're brilliant,

and your ambiguous
ethnic blend

perfectly represents the dream
of the American melting pot.

Okay, let's go.
Okay.

Another, Dana.
Please and thank you.

Ron? I handed out
1,000 leaflets today.

That is a personal best.

Now, I'm off to vote.

The polls are closed.

What? No, no, no. l thought
that they closed at 8:00.

6:00.

Oh, my God. Ron, I didn't
get to vote for Leslie.

Oh, my God.
What do I do?

Nothing you can do.

Except hope Leslie doesn't
lose by one vote.

9% of precincts reporting,

and it's razor-thin.
And getting razor-thinner.

Oh, boy.

No. No.

Jen Barkley.

Hey. What are you doing here? That was
fun last night, you little screamer.

There were moments that
I didn't fully understand

some of the physical shapes
that we were making.

But the sensations
were amazing.

So, I just went with it.
Great.

Well, I thought that we could
just talk before you left town.

If that's okay.
O.

But there's a supply room
over there with a futon.

Great.

Not yet. Just wait.

We're just getting supplies.
Anybody need anything?

Push pins, or...
Okay, great.

Please hurry.

I told her it's a matter
of life and death.

Honey, Donna's been
here forever.

She's going to know what to do.
What if she doesn't?

I could get fired.

Or even worse,
Leslie might give me

a lecture on
responsibility again.

I can't do it.

I'll tell you what, honey. Here's the deal.
You get fired,

I'll quit,
and we'll leave together.

I'm serious. Move to a new
city, change our names,

burn our fingertips off
with acid,

swap faces.
What?

If we have to.

Let's just say tomorrow we had
to start over from scratch,

which we probably will because
of your massive mess-up,

what would you do?

Me, I've always wanted to be a scientist,
like when I do my experiments.

I quantified that the Red Bull would
dissolve that toy pirate by now.

Nature.

I want to be
a warrior princess witch.

In this new world, you can
be anything you want.

Or a substitute teacher.

You would be so good
as a substitute teacher.

Dream big, kid.

Good. Yes. Nice.
Keep punching.

Did I hit your boob? Sorry.
No.

Great form.

Maybe. I have
no idea, actually.

I don't know
what I'm doing.

Yeah! That was good. I'm exhausted.
How long was that?

Twenty-two seconds.

Boy, that's disappointing.

What are you
going to do about Ben?

I've been running for office the
entire time we've been dating.

We're just about to
get our lives back.

It would kill me
if he left.

Then tell him that. Go find him
and tell him how you feel.

And then the two of you can work
it out together.

Election results, Ann. Ann.

Ann, I can't read it.
Okay.

Ann, my hands.
Don't panic. Here.

My hands, Ann. They're
in these round gloves.

Okay. "20% of
the precincts reporting.

"Bobby Newport is
up by 140 votes."

Okay. Let's get your hands back up.
Okay.

Let's go another
eight seconds.

Oh, God, I'm so tired.

Gin and tonic, please.

Belay that order, Dana.

Lagavulin, neat. Clear alcohols
are for rich women on diets.

Hey, can I ask you
about something?

Never mind. Sorry.

Forgot. You don't like talking
to other people about anything.

What's on your mind, son?

It's a special night and I've
had half a bottle of whisky.

All right.

Well, Jen Barkley offered
me a job in Washington.

A great job.

It'd be exciting. I'd meet new people.
Live in D.C.

But I think Leslie
wants me to stay.

What would you do?

Well, I've never been one for meeting
new people or doing new things

or eating new types of food or
traveling outside of Southern Indiana.

I've had the same
haircut since 1978,

and I've driven
the same car since 1991.

I've used the same wooden
comb for three decades.

I have one bowl.

I still get my milk
delivered by horse.

You do?

But you and Leslie
like to hold hands

and jump off of
cliffs together,

into the great unknown.

You two have
a good relationship.

I don't personally
know what that's like,

but I'm given to understand it means
you're going to land on your feet.

So, you really want things to
just stay exactly the same.

I like some changes.

Like when I change
a tree into a canoe.

Or a wife
into an ex-wife.

But if Leslie wins, you get my old job.
Assistant City Manager, right?

Seems that way.

Then good luck,
to the both of us.

Hey!

I have an update that
contains new information.

With 74% of
the precincts reporting,

Leslie Knope is now
winning by 192 votes.

Thank God. Oh, Lord, please, please, let her win.
Please let her win.

Please let her win
Please let her win.

I don't know, Tommy.

I mean, I've been back and
forth a million times.

On the one hand, I do,
amazingly, like you.

Aw! I know you do,
cookie tush.

On the other hand,
you are ridiculous

and our relationship was like a roller
coaster ride through ldiotville.

I'm not going to
argue with that.

So, I just don't know how
seriously I can take us.

I'm sorry, Tommy. I just...

I don't think it's
a good idea right now.

I don't get it.
It's like there's two Anns.

There's the one in my dream, who
wants to get back together with me,

and then, there's the
one in real life,

who also want to get
back together with me

but just refuses
to admit it.

That was eye-opening.

I'll tell you, Chris,

I'm not going to miss much about
this ridiculous nothing town,

but I am going
to miss you.

Thank you.
That's nice to hear.

So, is there any way that
we could keep this going,

even though you're going
to be in Washington D.C.?

On a casual basis, of course.
Hmm.

Let me think that over.

Hey, the latest
numbers just came in.

Do you want to
take a look at these?

Nah. Thanks, though.

I'm going to
just say this.

And I realized
this after speaking

with my best friend
and relationship advisor,

Ann Perkins, from
the Department of Health.

Yes, I know Ann.

I don't want you
to go to Washington.

I know it's
an amazing opportunity.

But in just a few minutes, all
this craziness is going to be over

and I just want to
have dinner with you.

Like normal people.

Yeah. Then, I won't go.

Really?
Yeah.

Easy. I mean, I was on the
fence about it anyway.

I mean, Washington
is really far away,

and I don't know if I
want to work with Jen.

I mean, this just seals the deal.
I'll stay.

Thank God.
What a relief.

Guys.

It's been neck-and-neck.
Too close to call all night.

But now, we're ready to make a
call in the race for City Council.

Bobby Newport...
Oh, no.

...scion of the Sweetums candy
empire and amateur go-kart champion,

has won the race.

Why are you laughing?

Because my dream is dead.

Oh, oh,

Recount.
There's a recount.

Oh, come on.
It's over. Just concede.

Newport won by 21 votes. That's well
within the margin for a recount.

Please don't do this.

I really want to get out of here.
How about this?

Why don't I make
you guys a deal?

Okay, there's no deal in the world
that we would ever possibly...

I'll give you Joe Biden's
home phone number.

Now, hang on.
That's interesting.

No, honey, you're not
thinking clearly.

Just concede.

Bobby wants to move into his new
office first thing in the morning.

They're already measuring the walls
for his Lamborghini posters.

No! Mr. Commissioner,
it is black and white.

The recount has to start immediately.
It's the law.

And I'm not leaving
until you make the call.

He's right, Ms. Barkley. It will start right away.
Keep your phones on.

Terrence!

I just want to go home.

Hey. Any news?

They said the recount could
take two hours, but who knows?

It probably won't be
one vote though, right?

I mean, like either way.
That won't happen, right?

Man, this is stressful.
I picked

the wrong week to
do a juice cleanse.

Okay. I think Leslie should
say something to the troops,

just to get
everyone's spirits up.

Where is she?
I don't know.

She's not
answering her phone.

Okay, so no one
knows where she is?

We could be getting the
recount results any moment

and we don't know
where our candidate is.

What the hell, Jerry?

Sorry, that was unfair.

Thank you. Find her.

That's a nice chair.
Corinthian leather.

Solid mahogany frame
with, what I believe,

are hand-cut mortise
and tenon joints.

Pinned with oak.

I was really looking
forward to sitting in it.

I figured this
might be my last chance.

You don't know that.

Ron, for the last six months,
my friends have worked so hard.

Every five-minute
coffee-break at work.

Every night, every weekend, every
spare moment of their lives,

they gave to me.

If I lose,
I'll never forgive myself.

You deserve to win.

We didn't volunteer
to help you

because we wanted to wrap
ourselves in personal glory.

We did it because
we care about you.

You had a dream, and we
wanted to support your dream.

That's what you do when
you care about someone.

You support them.
Win, lose, or draw.

What the hell's the
matter with me tonight?

I've willingly engaged
in about 10 conversations.

Why does everyone always
come to me for advice?

Because you're so warm
and cuddly and approachable.

Let's go back to the party. You drive.
I've had 11 whiskeys.

You already said
New Caprica.

We got plenty of
places to live.

Let's go back to
our dream jobs.

I've got "Detective, F.B.l.
agent, policeman, C.l.A. agent.

"Shoeshine guy." Because I
know how to do that already.

So, we need more for you.
Let's go.

And}!-

It's fun.
I'm trying to help you

take your mind off of this
horrible mistake you made,

deleting all these files.

Probably the worst thing that ever
happened in Parks and Rec: history.

Oh, my God. You'll most
certainly get fired.

And I'm trying to help.
My God.

So, dream jobs.
Go. Dream big, kid!

Fine. A dental hygienist
who's also a medium,

so I can clean people's teeth and
tell them when they're going to die.

That's brilliant.

Let's make this fast.

I almost made it with Councilman
Howser before you interrupted us.

Which files
did you delete?

All of them.

I just put this
stupid flash drive in,

and then I tried to
drag everything over...

Fixed it.

What?
What?

How?
Jerry accidentally

deletes things
all the time.

Ten years ago, I installed
my own secret backup.

You saved us, Donna.

I love you.

Okay. Bring it in, boy.

There you are.
Thank God.

We're going to get the
final results any minute.

I know. Do you have
both my speeches?

Yes. You seem calmer
than I expected you'd be.

I got you something.

Let me open it for you.

You have to go
to Washington.

I told you I'm
turning it down.

I was being selfish. You put
your whole life on hold for me.

The very least I can do
is try to return the favor.

Are you sure
about this?

We can make it work.

I'll go visit you, then you come
visit me, then I go visit you again,

and then we make out
in the Lincoln Bedroom

and the Jefferson Memorial

and the Supreme Court Gallery.
We'll do it all over Washington.

Thank you.

Where did you get a
Washington Monument figurine

at midnight
on a Tuesday?

From my office. I have,
like, 50 of them.

Right.

The recount's over.
They just called the race.

Oh, God.

It's still 21 votes.

But you won.

You won, Leslie.
You won by 21 votes.

It's confirmed.
It's over. You won.

That was really
sneaky, Ann.

I know.
I couldn't resist.

Catch your dream

Honestly, I have never been more
relieved in my entire life.

I didn't ruin it. I thought I
ruined it but I didn't ruin it.

You're kind of
ruining it now.

Great. That is great news.
I'm going to see you in D.C.

Yeah, I guess you will.
Yeah.

Damn it. I didn't get a chance
to say goodbye to Chris.

Oh, he's just
right over there.

He seems really busy.

Anyway, would you tell him I said goodbye?
Great. Thank you.

Sorry we didn't
get a chance to meet.

I'm Ann. That doesn't matter.
I'm leaving.

We've got a dream
We're going to chase it

Congratulations,
Mr. Assistant City Manager.

I'm very grateful,
Chris, but I think

I'm going to
turn down the job.

Really? Why?

I like where I am.

Was someone just talking
about a job opening?

Because guess
who's got two thumbs

and was just cleared
from insurance fraud?

This guy. You know?

Got off on a technicality.
What's the gig? I'm in.

There's no job for you.

That's a smart move. Go with your gut, right?
I'll talk to you guys soon.

Your victory speech,
Councilwoman Knope.

Someday, when I'm
more emotionally stable,

I want to read the concession
speech you wrote for me.

I never wrote it.

And I know all of you know how
hard she has worked to get here.

She is your next City Councilwoman
from the great city of Pawnee,

ladies and gentlemen, my best
friend in the world, Leslie Knope.

The idea behind this
campaign was a simple one.

That, with hard work
and positivity,

a group of people
can make a difference.

During my term as
your City Councilor...

Thank you.

...I want to focus on your
hopes, and not your fears.

I want to solve problems
instead of creating friction.

And I will work hard,
every hour of every day,

to make Pawnee
a better place to live.

Because I love this city.

And I know, firsthand, how very
special the people of this city are.

I owe this victory, all of it,
to my friends and my supporters.

No one achieves
anything alone.

So let's embark on a new journey together.
Let's break out a map.

Not the old, out-of-date one
that shows where we've been,

but a crisp new one that
shows where we might go.

Let's embark on
a new journey together.

And see where it takes us.

Tommy! This party
was amazing.

You're amazing. You are
ridiculous, but I like you.

And I think that we
should date all of it.

Let's do it.
Let's date.

This is my dream!
"Nostratomus!"

It's happening.
Awesome.

Hey, let's
move in together.

Totally.

Really?
Yeah.

All right. No take-backs when
we sober up, though, partner.

No take-backs, partner.

We're cowboys.

Great win. Great night. Great year.
Hot wife. Jackpot.

Good job, me.

Oh, my God.
Babe, you know what?

Almost everything you wrote
on that board as a dream job

was some type of
police officer.

Yeah.

You ready to go?
No, listen to me.

How does this sound?
"Officer Dwyer, Pawnee P.D."

Guys, we're going to J.J.'s
for victory waffles,

and then we're
staying up all night

talking about our
lives and our feelings.

Non-negotiable. Let's go.
City Council, bitches!

Jerry forgot to vote.

Damn it, Jerry!