All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E17 - Campaign Shake-Up (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

This is
The Final Word With Perd.

With your host,
Perderick L. Hapley.

Issue number one is the first
issue we're going to talk about.

Is Bobby Newport's campaign
for City Council in trouble?

When I say your names,
I want you to respond.

Dylan.

Well, Newport's poll numbers
have been plummeting.

They just fired his campaign manager.
And where's Bobby?

He's on vacation in Spain.

He's not on vacation,
he's in hiding.

Every time the guy speaks,
he puts his foot in his mouth.

That's a hilarious image.

A foot in a mouth.

It's a
common expression.

Okay-

According to the newest polls,
Leslie Knope is now in second place.

She's just
1'5 points back

How did she
close the gap?

You have to give
a lot of credit

to her campaign manager,
Ben Wyatt.

So, apparently, Newport just
fired his campaign manager

because Ben was
kicking his ass.

Ben is the best campaign manager
anyone could ever have.

Every move
he's made has worked.

He's like a brilliant,
sexy little hummingbird.

What did you
just say?

Nothing.
Keep up the good work.

You're doing great.

Mm-hmm.

Senior citizens are basically the only
people who vote in local elections.

So, if you want to win, you've
got to get the gray vote.

And to get
the gray vote,

you need to get the
endorsement of Ned Jones.

He's the President of
Pawnee Seniors United.

He's like the Godfather,
but old.

He's like the Grandfather.
The grand-godfather.

The "Grondfather." He's the...
It doesn't matter.

He's important,
and he's old.

Mr. Jones,
such a pleasure to meet you.

Please don't get up.

Don't worry.
I can't.

Just joking.

I can get up.
Oh.

But it's difficult.

But I can do it.

But it is hard.

Look. I don't have
a lot of time.

Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.

Cancer?

No. I don't have a lot of time
before my swim aerobics.

Oh.

Why are you better for
seniors than Bobby Newport?

Three words.
"Ramp Up Pawnee."

Pawnee is way behind
the times

in terms of making its buildings
wheelchair accessible.

"Not enough ramps"
is the number three

complaint among
Pawnee seniors.

Right behind "Everything
hurts" and "I'm dying."

You wanted
to see me.

Good God. What the
hell are you doing?

Upside-down sit ups.

Great exercise,
and it literally lets me

see the world from
a different perspective.

Isn't there a men's gymnasium
where you could do that?

The world is
my gymnasium, Ron.

But I will stop if it makes
you feel uncomfortable.

Could you hold me
while I dismount?

Thanks so much.
You bet.

Question for you.
In a town of this size,

the Parks Department
traditionally has 10 employees.

You have only seven.
Why is that?

I work hard to make
sure my department

is as small and
ineffective as possible.

The department is so small

because Leslie Knope single-handedly
does the work of four people.

And she's already
scaled back her time.

If she wins,
she'll be dividing her time

between Parks
and City Council.

I am going to have to hire a Deputy
Director to pick up the slack.

No!

Chris, that's unnecessary.

The department is
doing fine without Leslie.

Then, prove it.
Complete one major project.

Either we complete a government
project, which is abhorrent to me,

or we bring a new
person into the department,

which repulses me
to my core.

Reminds me of when my dad
made me choose

which of my pet calves
to slaughter

with my own hands
for my sixth birthday.

I couldn't choose, so I
slaughtered both of them.

And they were delicious.

Essentially, we're going to put a
ramp on every building in town.

Like I always say, stairs
are a young man's game.

Damn straight.
This is very impressive.

You know, you remind
me of my brother.

He had the same name. Leslie.

He lost a third of his body
in a motorcycle accident.

The middle third.

But they sutured the hell
out of him He's fine now.

Much shorter, but a good
looking, young, flat man.

What have you
heard about Newport's

new campaign manager,
Jennifer Barkley?

Who?

She wants to have
a meeting with me at 5:00.

I told her, "Sorry, I don't
talk politics after dinner."

Oh, my God. Newport hired a
real Washington hot-shot.

Wow, she worked with
James Carville.

She ran two Republican congressional
campaigns and a Senate race.

Yeah, and check
out this picture.

She's eating egg salad
with Colin Powell.

That's the most impressive
thing I've ever seen.

Why are you smiling?

Why is this terrifying
information making you smile?

Newport's scared.

I mean, he must have shelled
out a fortune to hire her.

So, what do we
do next?

I'm going to set up a meeting.
I mean, we can size her up.

But more importantly,
it will humanize you

and make it harder
for her to attack you.

And we'll do it at J.J.'s Diner.
Home field advantage.

As a candidate, I appreciate
your strategic mind.

But as a woman,
all I care about

is your slight
but powerful body.

Hello, Ann Perkins.

That's the first time you've
said my entire name correctly.

Nonsense.
We are close friends.

I have
good news for you.

I'm making the water fountain hygiene
upgrade our number one priority.

Oh, great.

For some reason when people in
Pawnee use the water fountain,

they put their mouths
completely over the spouts.

It's, like, this weird,
disgusting local quirk.

Kiss one
water fountain drinker,

you're kissing
everyone in Pawnee.

Including him.

I'd like to complete
this project by tomorrow.

Oh.

Set up shop in our office.
In fact, take Leslie's desk.

Okay. I will.
Thanks. Great.

Do you want
the door open or shut?

Open is fine.
Okay.

Hello, Marta. We would
like our regular table,

but we want you to set it up
a little fancier than normal

because we're trying
to impress someone.

You mean Ms. Barkley? She's already here.
Last booth.

Leslie Knope.
Hi. I'm Jen Barkley.

Hi.
Hi.

Grab a seat.
Thanks.

Sorry about all these papers I had
them shipped in. I'm a news junkie.

Is this in Arabic?

Well, I've been
reading up on you two.

Ben, it's a great job
on this campaign.

Oh... Well,
thank you.

And Leslie,
your Parks work?

It's no joke. This is
Federal government caliber.

Not to sound rude, but
what are you doing here?

This campaign
seems beneath you.

Yeah. Bobby Newport's daddy
called me out of the blue.

I'd never heard of
Bobby Newport before.

But it became clear in two
seconds, this guy is a moron.

So, I was like, "Sorry, Nick. Your
son is a moron. There's no way."

Then, he offered me
a crazy amount of money.

I shouldn't even tell you
how much, but I will.

$250,000.

Good lord. For six weeks of work?
I know.

Plus, frankly, I needed a
break from Washington.

Do you know Joe Biden?
Oh, uh-huh.

He's on my
celebrity sex list.

Well, he is my
celebrity sex list.

Oh, trust me. You can
do better than Joe.

Oh, no.
I don't think I can.

No way.

Oh, man.

I knew I shouldn't have met you guys.
Now, I kind of hope you win.

She's just doing
this for the money.

She doesn't even
like her own client.

This could be
the best-case scenario for us.

Well, the real
best case scenario is

if she just takes the money
and doesn't even try.

Tell me a little bit
about Leslie Knope.

Well, Perd, Leslie Knope
represents everything

that is wrong about
politics in America.

She's naive, she's untested, and
she's an entrenched bureaucrat

that's got the stink of big
government all over her.

What?
Oh, God.

Wow, strong words from
a powerful lady.

So, I guess we both agree.

Leslie Knope is
wrong for Pawnee.

Worst-case scenario.

Worst-case scenario.

I'm Leslie Knope.

And when I grow up,
I want to be

a unicorn princess
or a City Councilor.

Wrong.
Not in my town, kid.

City Council's a real job
for a real adult.

It's playing every hour,
on every channel.

It's official.
I hate Jennifer Barkley.

When I go to that senior center,
I'm going to go up on stage

and I'm going to
viciously attack her.

Okay. Don't let Barkley
knock us off-message.

We are going there to get
Ned Jones' endorsement.

And that's huge.
You're right.

And I should listen to you always
because you are a man-genius.

With a taut, narrow frame,
like a sexy elf king.

Do you wish I were taller?
What's going on?

Nothing.
You're perfect.

Okay, everyone.
So, the Health Department

is working on
a poster campaign

to warn people
about diseases.

Now, we are going to build a better
water fountain for the parks.

Andy is our official
water fountain tester.

All right. Let's give
this sucker a test drive.

Yeah. So, the idea is to make a
fountain that he can't do that to.

That's good.

Okay. Any ideas? Jerry?

Well, I was thinking that we could
put this cage thing around it.

Okay. That could
work. Andy?

Thank you, Andy.

Still good.
Tom?

Full disclosure. Ann and I are
romantically intertwined.

Oh, God.
So,

let's not be surprised
if she picks my idea.

Would you just go, dummy?

What's the best
kind of water fountain?

How about
no water fountain?

This is the Voss Water Butler,
by Tumi.

At only $600 a bag...

April. What's your idea?

To go in that room
and finish this book.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Is it good?
Yeah.

You're going to stay here
and you're going to help.

Donna?

Do I look like
I drink water?

Yoo-hoo. I'm over here. I'm just
about to start my presentation.

Uh-oh, stairs.

What do I do? How do I
get from here to there?

I'm not a professional
mountain climber.

It's a real problem in our
town, but not anymore.

Thanks to Ramp Up Pawnee.

We are going to put ramps in
every building in this town.

Because if there's
one thing I believe,

it's that stairs are
a young man's game.

Ramps are an idiot's game.

This is nothing more than a worse
version of Bobby Newport's plan.

What plan? Bobby Newport
doesn't have a plan.

Was somebody just talking
about Bobby Newport's plan?

Because Ned Jones and I would
love to share it with you.

Come on out here, Ned.

Ned Jones is here.
Say hello to Ned Jones.

Make way for Ned Jones.

Why don't we just
turn up the pressure?

That way, you don't have to
put your mouth so close?

All right, here we go.

Ah! Stop!

Honey, I'm sorry.

That will teach
you to pay attention.

I have an idea.

I was thinking what if we
did something like this?

Oh, my... Dude!

What the hell?

Bobby Newport's plan
is called "Rise Up, Pawnee."

He is going to
put an electric lift

on every outdoor
staircase in town.

Now, you could use a ramp, but
that seems like a lot of work.

Bobby Newport thinks that the
stairs should do the work for you.

Don't you agree?

As president of
Seniors United,

I endorse Bobby Newport.

I've started interviewing
people to fill in for Leslie.

I have found five candidates
I'd like to hire,

and two I'd like to be
life-long friends with.

Well, you will not
be hiring anyone,

because my department is just
finishing up a major project.

Excuse me.

Everything I'm
wearing is suede!

Everything I'm wearing is suede!

Everything I'm wearing is suede!
Excuse me, everybody.

Attention!

I think you'll agree that this department
could use a little leadership.

Kamikaze!

"Stumbling for
the first time in months,

"the Knope campaign seems to be
rolling down a 'Ramp to Nowhere."'

We are getting
our butts kicked,

by a guy who is not
even in the country.

He's making out with
some floozy in Majorca.

I'm sorry. I wish I
was better at this.

Then, you could be making out
with some floozy in Majorca.

Maybe we take
the fight to her?

I mean, I could try to
get you on Perd's show,

and you could tell him
how she stole our idea.

That sounds good.

Okay, I'll just do that.
I can call them.

Or maybe
I'll just go down there.

Hey, Chris wants you
in his office

for the final round
of interviews.

And sorry we goofed
around so much.

Normally, I'd be very proud
of you for what you did.

This is a rare example where wasting
a full day of work is a bad thing.

Is there really going to be a
weird new person in the office?

I think so.

We may be in for
a good old-fashioned shake-up.

Jennifer Barkley.

You two-faced,
carpet bagging...

Hey, Leslie.
Good to see you.

Hi, nice to
see you, too.

You are a
two-faced, carpet...

Do you want anything?
Anything!

It's on me. Everything in
this town is so cheap.

I would never accept anything from
a two-faced, carpet-bagging...

Leslie. Please, let
me get my insult out.

I've been practicing it
the whole way over here.

I sense that you're angry.
Tell me why.

Because you
stole my idea.

And yours
won't even work.

Ramps are more practical and
they're less expensive than lifts.

My idea is better.

Oh, I don't doubt it.
The fact is, I don't care.

Ramps, lifts,
your plan, my plan.

I don't actually care
about any of this.

I'm just
trying to win.

Look, it's not personal.
I like you.

But my job
is to beat you.

So, have a seat.

I'll get you some of
those waffles you love.

How do you know...

It's my job to know.

God, you're good.
I know.

Hey, guys.
What's so important?

Well, after yesterday's hands-on
brainstorming session...

Water balloon fight.

Fair enough.

We think we came up with a
fountain idea that really works.

Presenting the amazing
spout-less fountain.

What?

We just removed
the splash guard.

Because if it's not there, you
can't put your mouth on it.

Well, I'll try it.

Ha ha!

I did it!
Good job, babe.

Simple, elegant
and cost effective.

If your team keeps this up,
I think we can hold off

on filling
the Leslie void.

I think Ben's already
filling the Leslie void.

I'll give it up
for that.

So, what's Ben's
next move for you?

I'm not going to tell you that.
Oh, let me guess.

Um, you're going to
attack me.

You're going to go on
that "Perm" show again

so you can tell everyone that
that ramp idea was yours.

It's "Perd," first of all.
And no.

Maybe. No.

That's not
a terrible idea.

You know, actually
it is kind of terrible.

Because if you go on the air and tell
everybody that I stole your idea...

Which you did.
Which I did.

Everyone's going to
think you're a sore loser.

A goody-goody nerd.

Because you know what
people don't care about?

They don't care about
whose idea was first.

They care about
whose idea was best.

Well, let's say
that that was our plan.

Which it isn't.
Okay.

What would you
do instead?

Oh, Leslie, I really shouldn't
give you campaign advice.

Oh. Right.
Yeah, what the hell.

If you love chess,
which I do,

but you don't have anybody to
play against, which I don't,

then sometimes you just
got to play yourself.

You could attack the Newport
plan for costing too much money.

No, but that would backfire,
because then we would just say,

"You can never spend
too much on seniors."

Of course.

You need to
beat our idea.

Come up with
something better.

I don't know. Maybe a free
shuttle service for seniors.

All right? That could work. Wow.

Waffles and a cappuccino.

Gracias, Marta.

J.J.'s doesn't have
a cappuccino maker.

Oh, it does now.
I bought them one.

Of course you did.

You talked to
Barkley without me?

I wanted to tell her
what a jerk she was.

And then, she guessed
your plan immediately,

and demolished it.

Okay. As a rule,
you shouldn't take advice

from your opponent's
campaign manager.

But what if
she's right?

What if
it's a trick?

I mean, maybe she thinks
our original plan would work,

and she convinced you
to use her plan instead

because she knows
that won't work.

Or maybe she thinks
that we think

that she thinks that,
so we won't do it.

But she knows that I know that she knows that...
She's in our heads.

I'm sorry, Leslie. She's
better at this than I am.

Hey. There is
no one on Earth

that I would rather go
into battle with than you.

Really?
Yes.

So tell me, what do we
do, my campaign manager?

I don't know.

Okay.

I'd like to talk
about your future.

Why are we on this bench?
This is weird.

You did a great job
solving that problem today.

The leadership you displayed
has gotten me thinking.

I didn't solve that problem.
April did.

Really?

Why did she
tell me you did?

Because she's April, and she
doesn't want you to think

that she actually
cares about something.

If you're looking for someone
to help fill in for Leslie,

April is a pain in the ass,
but she's clearly the answer.

Perhaps you're right.

Should I go?

Oh, you're
still here? Yes.

Let's begin the show
by starting it.

Now, Leslie, you claim the Newport
campaign stole one of your ideas.

Well, uh...

They did.
They stole our idea.

We were working on the "Ramp Up
Pawnee" initiative for many weeks.

Oh, Perd, this is
politics as usual.

The fact is,
Bobby Newport's plan

is better for seniors,
better for Pawnee.

Well, our plan is more
practical and it's cheaper.

There she goes
again, Perd.

I don't know where
she went the first time.

Bobby Newport cares about better,
not cheaper, for our seniors.

And our flash poll
seems to agree.

Some 78% of those we surveyed prefer
the Newport plan to the Knope plan.

This is why Ned Jones has endorsed us.
Let's get back on track.

I just think our opposition is losing
sight of what all this is about.

What this is about is Pawnee,
and that is what I care about.

What Bobby Newport
cares about

is romping around on some
beach in Spain with a floozy.

Excuse me?

Oh, maybe
you hadn't heard of it.

It wasn't in the New York Times or
Le Monde, which is what she reads.

It was in the
Pawnee papers.

Bobby Newport's personal life
is neither here nor there.

It's certainly not here.

And I think Pawneeans deserve a city
councilor who stays in the city.

Like I do.

Well, we were going
to keep this a secret

until we had
everything in writing,

but Bobby Newport is trying to
convince a major European company

to open a factory
in Pawnee.

And that woman that he is with
is an anti-land mine advocate.

I didn't realize that
you were pro-land mine.

I am not here to
declare a winner.

But Jennifer
is the winner.

Thank you.

Now, it's time to move on to our
next segment, which is a commercial.

I am going to
get drunk.

And then, I'm going
to order a three-course meal

where each course
is made of dessert.

She kicked our asses.
Yeah.

How are we going to beat her?
I don't know.

I mean, she's like a hurricane.
She's everywhere.

Literally.

Hi, guys!

You really stepped up your game.
That was really fun.

You almost got me.

I would have,

if Bobby Newport
hadn't gotten those

stupid companies to
build factories here.

What are you talking about?

Oh, that thing
I said on the show?

Oh, no,
that was mostly made-up.

Don't challenge me on that.
That will backfire.

Anyway,
enjoy your dinner, guys.

I already took care
of the bill.

Another round, please.
Uh-huh.

Nice job on
the water fountain.

It wasn't me.

Don't deny it.
I know it wasn't the nurse.

I'm asking you
to step up.

Not replacing Leslie,
just picking up some slack.

I don't want
to do things.

I want to not do things,
just like you taught me.

And I taught you well.

But I don't like watching you
wasting your brain,

and you're too smart to stay
my assistant here forever.

I'd rather you start a business
or use your hands to farm.

But right now,
the department needs you.

Please.

Okay.

But only because
you begged.

Good girl.

Chris Traeger.

This is Ron Swanson.

April's going to take over some
of Leslie's responsibilities.

Excellent.

I have been a fan of April
since day one. I told...