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1
00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:04,741
April!
Listen, I was trying to buy
2
00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:06,544
this hand-crafted
mahogany wood model
3
00:00:06,606 --> 00:00:09,348
of a B-25 Mitchell
Panchito aircraft.
4
00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:11,252
Aw, for me?
Don't sass me.
5
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:14,383
And I went to this website, and
this ad popped up that said,
6
00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:17,894
"Hey, Ron Swanson.
Check out this great offer."
7
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:22,424
What's your question? My
question is, what the hell?
8
00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:23,763
Like, how did they
know who you are?
9
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,061
Yeah.
10
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,833
Okay. There are these
things called cookies.
11
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:30,440
Where, like,
if you go to a site
12
00:00:30,497 --> 00:00:31,976
and buy something,
it will remember you
13
00:00:32,198 --> 00:00:34,838
and then create ads for other
stuff you might want to buy.
14
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:37,814
So, it learns
information about me?
15
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,248
Seems like an
invasion of privacy.
16
00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:43,480
Dude, if you think that's bad go to
Google Earth and type in your address.
17
00:01:14,874 --> 00:01:18,117
The point is, Ben and I have been
dating on and off for about a year.
18
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:21,049
I am, of course,
shocked.
19
00:01:21,681 --> 00:01:24,161
And not just because Ben usually
prefers tall brunettes.
20
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:28,123
We're very sorry for the
position this puts you in.
21
00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:31,666
What's happening? Are you
hugging me or are we fighting?
22
00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:32,896
Are you hugging or fighting?
Let me know.
23
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:34,563
Neither of those things.
24
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:35,995
I love both of you.
25
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:38,774
You are exemplary
government employees.
26
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,836
Exemplary. That's the
word we were thinking of.
27
00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:43,810
Well, it's true.
Isn't it?
28
00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,747
Which makes what I am
about to say even sadder.
29
00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:46,806
Then don't say it.
30
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,318
I am launching
a full investigation
31
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:49,920
into the extent
of your wrongdoing.
32
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:53,214
Please report Monday first
thing to the Council Chambers
33
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:56,385
for your ethics trial
and subsequent punishment.
34
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,760
I told you
we'd feel better.
35
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,036
Hey. It's 6:30
in the morning.
36
00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:09,403
Your hearing doesn't start
for another two hours.
37
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,169
Well, I wanted to
get here early.
38
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:12,733
You know,
get a feel of the room.
39
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,712
So, you got here... At 3:00 a.m.
I couldn't sleep, anyway.
40
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,840
Well, I wanted to sneak
in before you got here.
41
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:21,613
An absurd pipe dream
I now realize was impossible.
42
00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:22,948
You have a
present for me?
43
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,783
Yeah. What do you think?
44
00:02:26,546 --> 00:02:27,547
Li'l Sebastian.
45
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,184
Yeah, I had it made for
you at the toy store.
46
00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:31,923
Oh, thank you so much for
making my life so wonderful.
47
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,760
You're welcome.
I was talking to him.
48
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,231
Of course.
But also, to you.
49
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,322
Thanks.
50
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:37,834
I wish we could go
through this together.
51
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,336
Look, it's going
to be okay.
52
00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:42,999
You're just going to get a slap on the wrist.
Maybe a brief suspension.
53
00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:44,336
That's not okay.
54
00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:45,774
That's going to go on
my permanent record.
55
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,903
I'm not the kind of person
that has a permanent record.
56
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,709
For me, a slap on the wrist
is, like, a kick to the nuts.
57
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,415
I know it is.
58
00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:54,042
What's going to
happen to you?
59
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,745
Oh, don't worry
about me.
60
00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:57,947
Well, look.
I'll be outside all day,
61
00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:00,249
right on the other
side of that wall.
62
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,657
So, if you miss
me, you just look
63
00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:05,726
...at this wrinkled,
hideous monster.
64
00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:09,196
And you'll know I'm sitting
there, rooting for you.
65
00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:10,657
Okay?
Okay
66
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:11,994
All right.
67
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:13,264
Go.
Okay.
68
00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:16,034
Marcus Everett Langley
was Pawnee's greatest lawyer
69
00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:17,733
at the turn
of the century.
70
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:19,504
His nickname was
"Old Stone Face"
71
00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,339
because of his
steely demeanor.
72
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,711
And because he got in an
accident at the rock quarry
73
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:26,046
and dynamite
blew up his face.
74
00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:29,647
Leslie Knope. Good morning.
It's snowing outside.
75
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:30,710
Isn't that great?
76
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,120
You seem like
you're in a good mood.
77
00:03:32,178 --> 00:03:33,851
Actually,
I am quite miserable.
78
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:35,654
I admire
and respect you,
79
00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:39,458
and dragging you through an ethics
trial is filling me with sadness.
80
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,999
I have never
felt so low.
81
00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:44,662
Well, you're radiating pure joy.
82
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,566
I went to my herbalist
and got two B-12 shots.
83
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:49,902
And then, I ate an unreasonable
amount of St. John's wort.
84
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:52,466
And my herbalist took this
weird bee pollen paste,
85
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:53,840
rubbed it around
my gums.
86
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,039
And now, my mouth
feels like a spaceship.
87
00:03:56,135 --> 00:03:58,081
This is stressful.
88
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,113
And stress
leads to depression.
89
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:03,518
And if I don't maintain an extremely
high dosage of herbal remedies,
90
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,749
I will get very depressed.
91
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:08,853
Oh, God.
It's happening right now.
92
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,820
We are here today to determine
whether Leslie Knope
93
00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:13,795
violated any
municipal rules or laws
94
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:17,164
due to her romantic relationship
with her superior, Ben Wyatt,
95
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,930
whose hearing
will be held tomorrow.
96
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,166
Would you like to make a
statement at this time?
97
00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:25,100
Yes. I freely admit
to the relationship.
98
00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:29,579
And I will not be fighting the charges
that we violated Chris' rule.
99
00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:32,310
But we did nothing
else wrong or unethical.
100
00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:36,252
In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindell
exposed her elbow outdoors,
101
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,618
which was a
Class A felony.
102
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:40,748
Although she felt
the law unjust,
103
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,849
she acknowledged
that she had broken it.
104
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:45,521
And she nobly
accepted her punishment.
105
00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:49,055
To be set adrift on Lake
Michigan, like a human Popsicle.
106
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,728
Look how calm she looks.
That's how I feel.
107
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:52,997
Totally Zen.
108
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:57,566
Ms. Knope, on what day did your
relationship with Ben Wyatt begin?
109
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,035
Last May, at your request,
110
00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:01,942
Ben and I drove
to Indianapolis
111
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,911
to bid for the state
little league tournament.
112
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:05,372
The night we returned
113
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:09,352
was the first time we kissed each
other on each other's mouths.
114
00:05:09,409 --> 00:05:10,786
It was excellent.
115
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:14,182
- That was unnecessary to add. I'm sorry.
- I'm nervous.
116
00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,448
Next question.
117
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,859
Did you ever
receive special treatment
118
00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:20,227
as a result of your
relationship with Ben Wyatt?
119
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:23,495
I received adorable nicknames
and amazing back rubs.
120
00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:26,327
Oh, you mean professionally. No.
121
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:29,737
And did you break any local,
state, or federal law
122
00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:32,299
in an effort to cover up your
relationship with Ben Wyatt?
123
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:33,536
Absolutely not.
124
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:36,345
Thank you.
Ms. Knope, that is all.
125
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:39,246
Mr. Traeger, this says you're
going to be calling 14 witnesses.
126
00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:40,545
Is that correct?
127
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:41,676
Uh, yes, sir.
128
00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:43,152
Fourteen?
Why so many?
129
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:45,189
I've already admitted
that I broke your rule.
130
00:05:45,244 --> 00:05:47,451
It's not my rule,
Leslie.
131
00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:50,357
It is an important rule that
exists in every government.
132
00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:53,624
Romantic relationships between
superiors and their employees
133
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:56,257
lead to fraud, corruption
and a misuse of public funds.
134
00:05:56,322 --> 00:05:57,630
And you think
I'm guilty of that?
135
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,863
I think that you began your
relationship with Ben Wyatt
136
00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:00,927
earlier than
you are saying.
137
00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:03,269
I believe that you certainly
received special treatment.
138
00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:05,741
And I think that you may
even be guilty of bribery.
139
00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:09,871
None of those things are true. And
I will prove it, Mr. Traeger.
140
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,882
Okay. Ten-minute break, please.
141
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:12,973
Here you go, boss.
142
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,040
Okay. Guys?
143
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,745
We need to
counter every charge
144
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,548
that Chris has
leveled against me.
145
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,146
Andy, I need evidence.
Got it.
146
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,658
Wait. You don't
know what evidence.
147
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,260
Ah, right on.
Yes. Hit me.
148
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:26,320
Next to my desk is a picture of a
female politician, Bella Abzug.
149
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,888
Get the key that's taped on
the back of that picture.
150
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,433
It opens up my
bottom desk drawer.
151
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,628
In there are some files... Pay attention.
Where are you looking?
152
00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:32,897
Look here.
Focus here.
153
00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:34,370
Get the files
in the drawer
154
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,100
and then get all of the
file boxes in the office.
155
00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:37,573
Put the files in the drawer.
Let's go. No.
156
00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:39,108
Okay. I'll go with him.
Thank you.
157
00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:40,974
Ron, Chris has
14 witnesses.
158
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:42,478
I need you to talk to
all the department heads
159
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:44,081
and find out
who's going to testify.
160
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,083
I don't know the names of
the other department heads.
161
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,210
I'll go with him. Seriously,
with the men in this office?
162
00:06:48,274 --> 00:06:50,254
Ann, I need you to
text me every 30 seconds
163
00:06:50,309 --> 00:06:51,447
that everything is
going to be okay.
164
00:06:51,511 --> 00:06:52,649
Okay.
165
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,323
Thanks, Ann.
166
00:06:57,550 --> 00:07:00,463
I broke one rule, and I
will accept a slap on the wrist.
167
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,296
But when you sit back and let
your reputation be destroyed,
168
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:06,394
you go down in history
as a frozen whore.
169
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,198
I am fighting.
170
00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:12,274
Hey. I got my computer.
I'm all set.
171
00:07:12,331 --> 00:07:13,332
Great. You're up next.
172
00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:14,503
How is Ben? Is he sad?
173
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:15,940
You need to
cheer him up, Ann.
174
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,209
Ben is fine. He says he's
sorry he's not in here.
175
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,251
He said to look
at the monster.
176
00:07:20,306 --> 00:07:21,580
I'm hoping you
know what that means.
177
00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:24,247
There's a rumor going around
that Chris has a killer witness.
178
00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:25,948
How? Why?
That makes no sense.
179
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:28,424
There's no killer witness because
we didn't do anything wrong.
180
00:07:28,481 --> 00:07:31,291
Unless someone is planning
to lie or slander us.
181
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:33,853
Okay, just to be safe, find out
who it is and silence him.
182
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,489
With pleasure.
183
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:36,691
Wait. Let me
make it clear.
184
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:39,862
Don't silence him. Just
make sure he can't talk.
185
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,432
Okay, we're back.
Clear this chamber, please.
186
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,499
Ms. Perkins, Chris
Traeger has questioned
187
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,669
when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt began.
188
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,577
I'd like to direct
you to your inbox.
189
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:53,344
And, specifically,
an e-mail entitled "Yay."
190
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:57,046
That's Y-A, and 18 Y's,
and 44 exclamation points.
191
00:07:57,610 --> 00:08:00,591
Yes. It is an e-mail
from you.
192
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:02,125
Oh, and there's
an attachment.
193
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,727
Mmm. Intriguing.
194
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,027
Could you play the
attachment, please?
195
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,529
Sure.
196
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:13,403
In a world on the
brink of financial meltdown.
197
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:18,335
In a town
unlike any other.
198
00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:23,075
An adorable man
with a cute face
199
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:27,378
and the future President
of the United States...
200
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:31,922
What? Went from
being friends
201
00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:35,824
to being so much more.
202
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,752
Ann! Ben and I
hooked up last night.
203
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:42,891
And I learned
how to use iMovie.
204
00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:44,629
Call me later. Bye.
205
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,536
So, what was the date
you received that e-mail?
206
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,242
Uh, May 12th.
May 12th.
207
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:54,472
The day after we returned
from Indianapolis.
208
00:08:56,969 --> 00:09:00,781
Mr. Haverford, would you consider
Leslie Knope a good employee?
209
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,151
Did Tom Ford turn around
the House of Gucci?
210
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,189
I do not know. But I'll
assume that that is a yes.
211
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,649
How long were you
two lovers?
212
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,282
Excuse me?
Oh, God.
213
00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:13,092
Last March, I witnessed Leslie
Knope and Tom Haverford
214
00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:16,463
engaged in a passionate,
yet tender, kiss.
215
00:09:16,822 --> 00:09:19,166
It seems that Ms. Knope
has a pattern
216
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,636
of becoming involved
with her co-workers.
217
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:25,407
Tom, will you please tell the
committee why we were kissing?
218
00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:28,371
An online dating site
randomly paired us up.
219
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,243
So, as a joke,
220
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,841
I thought it would be funny to
pretend you and I were dating.
221
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:38,550
And then, you kissed me,
as a joke, to shut me up.
222
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:41,251
But we never had any other
romantic contact after that.
223
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:44,693
No. That would be like dating
my older sister's elderly aunt.
224
00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:46,263
No, it wouldn't.
225
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,060
Well, we've been
at it for hours.
226
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,691
And I did have some problem
with my character witnesses.
227
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,635
I don't know why Leslie Knope is on trial.
Ethel Beavers did it!
228
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:54,967
Okay.
Beavers did it!
229
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,028
Sit down.
230
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,541
I will hold myself in
contempt of the court!
231
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,475
Is this about the laptop?
I didn't mean to steal it.
232
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,139
I took it home and I spaced. I forgot.
I'm going to bring it back.
233
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,682
It totally works, but I got
spaghetti in the keyboard.
234
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,478
What laptop?
235
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:10,514
Objection.
236
00:10:10,576 --> 00:10:13,079
But other than that,
I think I'm winning.
237
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:15,648
I've refuted every one
of Chris' claims so far.
238
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:19,723
I have here a receipt from the
Pawnee Super-Suites Motel.
239
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:23,392
Leslie Knope submitted that
receipt for reimbursement.
240
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:27,199
Taxpayers' money is not meant to
be spent on a romantic getaway.
241
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,406
Donna, will you please
describe what we were wearing
242
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,908
the evening
you saw us?
243
00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:35,004
Um, Khakis and
button-down shirts.
244
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,569
Your basic
white people clothes.
245
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,411
And when you walked into the
room, what did it look like?
246
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,041
Did it look like anything
romantic had happened?
247
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:43,815
No. Hell, no. I have ruined
my share of hotel rooms.
248
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:46,083
And trust me, nothing sexual
happened in that room.
249
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,351
It kind of
looked like an office.
250
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:49,620
Maybe because
it was an office.
251
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:54,153
City Hall was being fumigated, and
we needed to pull an all-nighter.
252
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,632
The only thing
that was ravaged
253
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:58,828
were these
Federal Grant Proposals
254
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:01,131
that Donna had
dropped off earlier.
255
00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:03,469
I've seen over 200 episodes
of Law and Order,
256
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:05,634
and it's paying off
big time.
257
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:09,168
And by the way,
we got the gramps.
258
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,615
Grants. God.
Oh.
259
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,776
That was going to be
such an awesome moment.
260
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,420
So, Ethel, you've been to a
million of these ethics hearings.
261
00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:17,920
What do you
think my chances are?
262
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:19,615
I'd say it's 50-50.
263
00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:23,756
If you want to put money on it,
I'll give you 60-40 against.
264
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,789
Is it ethical for
a court stenographer
265
00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:27,591
to bet on the
outcome of a hearing?
266
00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:30,657
You tell me.
You're the one on trial.
267
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:34,630
Ron Swanson
to the stand, please.
268
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,862
Mr. Swanson, there has
been a question posed
269
00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:39,340
about when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt ended.
270
00:11:39,398 --> 00:11:41,469
Can you confirm that you
own a cabin at 930...
271
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:46,445
Stop. Please. I don't like to
give out my address to anyone,
272
00:11:46,505 --> 00:11:48,485
much less have it on
an official record.
273
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,488
Ron, don't be ridiculous. This is very important.
Do you own a cabin...
274
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,483
9301 Cedar Crest Drive.
275
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,687
9301 Cedar Crest...
276
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,058
I didn't hear that.
277
00:11:59,118 --> 00:12:00,893
9301 Cedar Crest Drive!
278
00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,403
She's here.
279
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:09,795
Who's here?
280
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:12,135
My ex-wife. Tammy Two.
281
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:15,108
I can smell the sulfur
coming off her cloven hooves.
282
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:18,307
Good nose, Ron. Tammy Swanson is here.
She will be my next witness.
283
00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:20,748
Tammy Two is
your killer witness?
284
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:22,513
Please. You're going
to have to do better.
285
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,818
Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath
who could say or do anything.
286
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,816
A pretty good
killer witness.
287
00:12:29,014 --> 00:12:31,756
Ms. Swanson,
do you, as you claimed,
288
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:34,855
have evidence linking Leslie Knope
and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?
289
00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:37,460
Absolutely.
I have several photographs
290
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,797
that will
definitively prove...
291
00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:41,839
May I remind you that you are
under oath, and if you lie,
292
00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:43,635
I will fire you and
have you prosecuted.
293
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:46,768
Nothing. They will
definitively prove nothing.
294
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,904
You cut me off.
I don't have any evidence.
295
00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:51,744
Oh, Chris. So silly.
296
00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:54,808
Okay. Bye, guys. Leslie, have
fun with this trial. Yay.
297
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,380
I think I've proven
that the only rule
298
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,050
Ben and I broke was
dating each other.
299
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:06,153
And I am very happy
that I have not uncovered
300
00:13:06,218 --> 00:13:08,357
any additional evidence
of unethical behavior.
301
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:10,225
But I do have
one last witness.
302
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:11,994
George Williams
from public works.
303
00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,664
George Williams?
Who's...
304
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:19,572
Oh, George Williams?
He's just a maintenance worker.
305
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,669
NASCAR enthusiast,
I believe. And...
306
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:22,940
Oh. Interesting tidbit.
307
00:13:23,002 --> 00:13:26,575
I once bribed him to keep my
relationship with Ben quiet.
308
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,077
You are saying that you saw
309
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:33,419
Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope kissing
at Li'l Sebastian's memorial?
310
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,514
Yeah.
311
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:37,220
Can you identify Leslie Knope
in this chamber?
312
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,727
She's right there.
Right.
313
00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:42,760
And what happened
after this incident?
314
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,802
Well, they got
real nervous.
315
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:47,667
They came up to me and they
told me to forget what I saw.
316
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:50,263
What you saw was not
what you think it is.
317
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,433
I have a gift certificate,
actually, for you.
318
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,499
Oh, my God.
319
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:57,946
And then, they gave me a $50 gift
certificate to a spa, and said...
320
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,641
And thank you for
your discretion.
321
00:14:01,106 --> 00:14:02,642
And did you use it?
Yeah.
322
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:05,952
I got a facial. My wife
said my skin was luminous.
323
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:09,117
That's enough. Now, in order to
cover up their illicit affair,
324
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:12,685
Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope
bribed a city employee.
325
00:14:12,751 --> 00:14:14,560
George, I notice that
you're wearing glasses.
326
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:18,193
Yet, on the day in question, I
don't recall you wearing glasses.
327
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,760
Could it be because
you weren't wearing glasses?
328
00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:22,169
I never wear them
on a job.
329
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,001
Can you take your
glasses off, please?
330
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:25,905
And read this for us?
331
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:28,843
"I could read this if
I weren't so blind."
332
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,744
Well, that went
terribly.
333
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,783
I need to check
some facts and figures.
334
00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:34,875
I would like to
request a 55-day recess.
335
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:38,114
You can have 30 minutes. But we're
nearing the end here, Ms. Knope.
336
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:42,656
Okay, guys. My only hope is that,
in one of these old books,
337
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,251
there's some weird,
arcane statute
338
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,919
or government
rule that helps me.
339
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:49,489
So, everybody grab a volume
and let's just read up.
340
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,796
Okay. Mine doesn't
have any pictures.
341
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:55,871
Does anyone have anything? Did
anybody find anything good?
342
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:58,632
In 1856,
the city council banned
343
00:14:58,764 --> 00:15:01,335
all sexual positions
except for missionary.
344
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:04,306
And two years later,
they banned missionary.
345
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,214
1882, "Should a Presbyterian
speak out of turn,
346
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:08,911
"he may be caned
across the shinbone."
347
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:12,319
Oh, my God. Black people still
can't legally use city sidewalks.
348
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:14,983
Look, I know we're not
supposed to be seen together,
349
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:16,890
but I think Ben could be
really helpful with this.
350
00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:18,053
Can somebody go get him?
351
00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:19,687
All right. I'll go.
352
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,665
"Any woman caught
laughing is a witch."
353
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:23,927
That's true.
354
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:25,798
Um, he's not there.
355
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:28,360
No, he said he'd just be on
the other side of that wall.
356
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:29,599
He's probably
in the bathroom.
357
00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:30,934
All right.
I'll find him.
358
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:42,014
This mural is called
Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee.
359
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:44,016
All the terrible
things that have happened
360
00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:45,952
in this town's history
are on one side.
361
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:49,618
And on the other side are all the
good things that have happened.
362
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:51,627
I'm on the bad side.
363
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:53,857
No, you're not. Yes, I am, Ron.
I'm guilty.
364
00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:56,695
I did something bad.
I'm a bad person.
365
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,100
It's not that simple.
366
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,197
You know what makes
a good person good?
367
00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:07,767
When a good person does something
bad, they own up to it.
368
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:12,114
They try to learn something
from it and they move on.
369
00:16:15,274 --> 00:16:19,086
Guys, everybody stop reading. No more loopholes.
No more fighting.
370
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:20,214
Are you sure, boss?
371
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:23,453
Yeah. I know I let you down, and I
just want to say I'm really sorry.
372
00:16:23,515 --> 00:16:25,051
Leslie,
what are you talking about?
373
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:26,562
Yeah, this makes
me like you more.
374
00:16:26,618 --> 00:16:28,962
Bribing someone to
hide a sexcapade?
375
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:30,500
I'm proud to
call you a friend.
376
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,092
And I always liked you.
377
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,530
Okay, we're back.
378
00:16:34,226 --> 00:16:36,263
Clear the chamber,
please.
379
00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:39,107
I think I'm about
to get fired, Ron.
380
00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:43,438
Ms. Knope, unless you
have any objections,
381
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,482
we'll be ending
this investigation
382
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:47,642
and moving on to
the punishment phase.
383
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:49,751
I have no objections.
384
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:53,418
We hereby hand down
the following judgment.
385
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:56,855
You will be suspended
for two weeks with pay.
386
00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:58,724
Just two weeks?
Correct.
387
00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:01,696
This concludes
the investigation.
388
00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,128
I thought I was
going to get fired.
389
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,694
I should have gotten fired.
Why didn't I get fired?
390
00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:12,939
Ben asked for a private
meeting with the committee.
391
00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:15,444
And he took full
responsibility for the bribe
392
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:18,047
and resigned,
effective immediately.
393
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:20,680
What? Wait. Hang on.
You can't let him resign.
394
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:24,813
I tried to talk him out of it,
but his mind was made up.
395
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:30,892
My job is to protect the government
from fraud and corruption.
396
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,563
I was just
doing my job.
397
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,360
And I hope that
you can understand that.
398
00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,858
I do. Honestly, I do.
399
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,867
Because your actions
wounded me to my core.
400
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:43,167
Which is not easy,
since the bulk of my workouts
401
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:44,969
are focused on
core strengthening.
402
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:47,869
But we will
get through this.
403
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:50,641
You are an excellent
government employee.
404
00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:53,548
And more importantly, you're
the only person I've ever met
405
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:55,607
who is worthy of
being Ben's girlfriend.
406
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,686
I hope that's true.
407
00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:04,089
You know, the meeting
that Ben and I had,
408
00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:06,254
it's on the record.
409
00:18:06,385 --> 00:18:08,296
You should take a look at the
last page of the transcript.
410
00:18:12,391 --> 00:18:13,665
"Mr. Wyatt.
411
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:15,568
"Chris, for God's sake,
would you mind
412
00:18:15,694 --> 00:18:17,571
"not jumping for
a little while?
413
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:19,506
"Mr.
Traeger. Sorry, Ben, but..."
414
00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:20,873
This is howl
fight depression.
415
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:23,269
Okay, fine. I'll stop.
416
00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:24,336
Thank you.
417
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:29,046
Okay. So, you are
prepared to resign
418
00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:32,454
effective immediately
and take full responsibility
419
00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:35,651
for all the events that transpired
at Li'l Sebastian's memorial?
420
00:18:36,081 --> 00:18:38,493
“Mr. Wyatt. That is
correct." That is correct.
421
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:40,052
"Mr. Traeger. Okay, fine.
422
00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:43,690
"This makes me sadder than I
previously thought humanly possible,
423
00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:45,666
"but I accept
your resignation.
424
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:47,770
"Can I ask you
one more question?"
425
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:52,842
Was all of this, all the sneaking
around, the scandal, losing your job,
426
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:54,502
was it worth it?
427
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:58,639
Yes. It was.
428
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,412
"Because I love Leslie.
I want to be with her,
429
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:05,216
"and I don't want to hide the
way I feel about her anymore.
430
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:09,248
"So, yeah, it was worth it, because
I'm in love with Leslie Knope.
431
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,453
"Mr. Traeger.
That was beautiful.
432
00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:13,756
"I'm literally
crying and jumping.
433
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:17,028
"Crying noise,
crying noise, nose blow.
434
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:19,330
"Mr. Wyatt.
It's going to be okay.
435
00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:20,631
"Mr. Traeger..."
436
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:22,930
Oh.
437
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:28,109
Let it out,
I guess?
438
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:29,405
"End Transcript."
439
00:19:35,707 --> 00:19:37,516
Hi, honey.
How was your day?
440
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:39,378
Oh, I've had better.
441
00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:42,017
How about you?
442
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,991
I can't believe
you did that for me.
443
00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:47,895
Well, I was pretty sure it was going
to happen, one way or the other.
444
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,022
And I hope it doesn't
affect your campaign.
445
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:51,657
Don't worry
about that right now.
446
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:55,164
There was a piece of testimony
that came out during the trial
447
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:56,900
that I think you'd
be interested in.
448
00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:00,307
Ethel?
449
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:06,474
Ethel, could you please read Page
132 of the official testimony?
450
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,981
"Ethel Beavers.
The official record
451
00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:14,784
"has now annoyingly
been reopened,
452
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:17,827
"so that Leslie Knope
can make a statement.
453
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:20,762
"Leslie Knope.
Let the record state
454
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,765
"that I, Leslie Knope,
love Ben Wyatt.
455
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:26,330
"I love him with
all of my heart.
456
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:30,339
"Did you get that?
Ethel Beavers. Yes, I got it."
457
00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:32,871
Thank you, Ethel.
458
00:20:36,635 --> 00:20:39,582
Can I get a ride home?
It's freezing.
459
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,120
Can you please state your
name for the committee?
460
00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:46,782
Gary Gergich.
461
00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:49,587
Oh, God, Jerry. You can't
even get your own name right.
462
00:20:49,648 --> 00:20:51,855
Actually,
my real name is Gary.
463
00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:53,719
Gary?
464
00:20:53,785 --> 00:20:56,231
On my first day here, the old
director, he called me Jerry.
465
00:20:56,288 --> 00:20:58,359
And I just didn't think
I should correct him.
466
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,433
That's ridiculous.
Your name is Jerry.
467
00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:03,735
No. Legally,
my name is Gary.
468
00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:07,208
Gary Gergich?
Jerry Gergich.
469
00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:09,436
Gary Gergich.
Jerry Gergich.
470
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:11,640
Gary Gergich. Jerry...
God, they're both horrible.
471
00:21:12,037 --> 00:21:13,641
But Jerry is better.
I'm going to call you Jerry.
472
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:18,753
Okay. Jerry. Do you
remember a time...
473
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,516
I'm sorry. I can't get
over the Gary-Jerry thing.
474
00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:23,787
Neither can I.
Jerry, you can go.
475
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:25,123
We need
a five-minute break.37611
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