All language subtitles for The.Wayans.Bros.S05E08_English

[instrumental music]

Shawn, Shawn,
this party is great, man.

I just got
Marissa's autograph.

Now I'mma go find Brandy
and I'mma get hers, too.

Oh, my God. Shawn, oh, my God!
You-you know who that is?

- You know who that is?
- What?

Shawn, that's Rico Davinci, man.

That's my favorite actor.

So? Go talk to him, man.

- Stop actin' like a girl.
- Alright.

Ric-o-o, you're my friend.

[laughs]

Wassup, man? Yo, Rico,
I just wanna tell you, man.

You're one of my favorite
actors. I got all your
movies.

Even your after-school
special
you did.

You know,
"The Day Coach Touched Me."

You were real good in that, man.

- 'Thanks.'
- Believable, like you liked
it.

You know, there's nothing like
reminiscing with a nobody.

[laughs]

Hey, wait a minute, man,
that's the black guy

of "Everybody Loves Everybody."

That's right. That's me.

Marlon Williams as, uh

Lucius.

Let me hook you up, homie.

Hey, man.
Hey, I love that show.

Hey, why don't you come with us
into the bathroom?

Hey, uh, whoa, Jack,
I ain't that big of a
fan.

I mean,
we're gonna smoke weed.

Hey, but if you ain't
down with us, uh

that's your loss.

[laughs]

No, no, wait up, yo!
Of course I'm down!

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're
singin'
and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1)
'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys.
Dynamite.'

[theme music]

Mm-hmm. What's up, light skin?

Have you ever swallowed
a magnet?

No. Why?

'Cause I'm
definitely
starting to feel

some attraction.

That is so corny.

[sighs]
Where're all
the real producers at?

Oh, uh-uh, you-you're
talkin'
to one right now.

- I'm a producer.
- What have you produced?

Have you ever seen,
uh, "Armageddon"

"Jurassic Park" or "Titanic?"

Those are your movies?

They were last
night,
I rented them.

No, no, no. On the real,
on the real, on the real.

On the real. I'm-I'm a
producer.
I'm a producer.

I'm currently, um, CEO
of Knockin' Boots
Productions.

Now, check this out.

The character works at
Orange Julius during the day

by night,
he's a rappin' vampire.

The soundtrack
will be off the skillet.

[snorts]
Don't know anybody
who'd wanna be in
it.

- But sorry.
- No, no, no.

Well, that's too bad,
you see, 'cause I have

the perfect young actor for you.

His name is Marlon Williams.

Wait a minute, I know him,
he's-he's the black guy

on "Everybody Loves
Everybody," right?

- Yeah.
- Hey, listen.

I'm producing
the new Steven Bergman film.

And there's a great role in
there for a young black actor.

Now I got a question,
does the character die

before or after the credits?

'Cause you know
how Hollywood does it,
brother.

Oh, no, no, no.

He's an idealistic young man

who's gotta drop out of school
because his brother is killed

in a drive-by.
Now, can he handle this?

Oh, oh, oh, definitely.
Marlon's very
responsible.

He definitely can
lay-lay this role
out.

Whoa! Ha ha ha!

Oh-oh-oh, uh..

[Marlon laughing]

Hey.

Is that ET?

Oh, never mind,
that's just Tyra
Banks.

Hey, look here,
man.
Um, look here, JJ.

I will put you in
a little bit later.

- I'll call you later,
alright?
- Do that.

- In the morning.
- Okay, I'll call you.

[indistinct chattering]

[laughs]

What the hell are you doin'?

I'm just chillin'
with my new friends.

- We chillin' y'all!
- Oh, yeah!

You and your
friends
smell like weed.

Shawn, I wasn't
smokin' that stuff.

I'm just pretendin'
so I can hang out with them.

M-Marlon, this ain't funny, man.
Look, I know you like this guy.

I know you think he's
cool.
But he's only cool in
movies.

I think he's a
idiot
in real life.

I'm not touchin'
the stuff, look.

Hangin' out with Rico could
open up big doors for me, man.

Yeah, but you still gotta
have a mind of your own,
man.

You can't go
followin'
this guy around

like your some kind of puppy.

Come on, man. I ain't gonna
let nobody play me.

- Alright, Marlon, let's
go.
- Let's go.

[instrumental music]

What the dilly, yo?

[laughs]

- 'Wassup, man?'
- So did you have fun?

Oh, man, we had a ball.

We went down
to the Waffle House

wound up closin' the place down.

Hey, did you know they serve
[indistinct] buckwheat
waffles?

And buckwheat
don't see a dime.

Well, if you're not too busy
suckin' up to your new
friends

I set up an audition
for you to go in

on that
new Steven Bergman movie.

You got me an audition
with Steven Bergman?

You the man, Shawn.
You are the man.

But it wasn't a easy
audition
to set up, okay?

You almost blew it by makin' an
ass out of yourself with Rico.

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't blame Rico, okay?

I can make a ass
out of myself by myself.

Besides, man, Rico says
that's how actors are.

They act wild and crazy.

Marlon, what's wrong
with you, man?

Do you wanna be one of these
people who ruin their lives

and end up livin'
in a crack house?

Does it have cable?

[laughs]

- Yeah.
- It's not funny.

That ain't funny, muppet face.

[laughs]

Come on, man,
I told you,
man.

I-I was just
pretendin'
to smoke, okay?

I didn't really smoke the stuff.

Yeah, that's how it starts off

with you just pretendin'.

Next thing you know
you're directin' traffic

butt-naked
with a pair of flip-flops on.

Sh-Shawn, please, man,
come on, get off my
back.

I told you,
I'm not smokin' no
weed!

- I was just pretendin'!
- Marlon.

I thought
you was just
pretendin'

to smoke weed, Marlon.
What's this?

Oh, that's the, uh

new aerodynamic,
uh, cotton swab.

Whoo! Boy, my ears was dirty.

Marlon, why you
tryin'
to play me?

I'm not jokin'
around.
What's-what..

- You think I'm stupid?
- No, uh, look, Shawn.

Alright, look, I took it, man,
I just took it

'cause I didn't want them
to think I was soft, man.

Besides, it's just weed,
you act like it's crack!

God! It's harmless.

The Indians used to smoke it.

Yeah, and look
what happened to them.

They wound up sellin' Manhattan
for $24 dollars

and a beef jerky.

Alright, so look at,
look at rappers.

Some of them smoke and they go
triple and double-platinum.

Yeah, and you ever hear

how ignorant they
sound
in interviews?

That weed fried
their brain up so
much

they can't even articulate!

Yo, I think, like,
rap is like the foun..

...you know, like the foun..

...you know,
like the bottom part.

Uh, music and I think
that the kids today

need some kind of guide

you know, they, like, need guide

somebody to, like,
push them like that.

Alright, smarty-pants, what
about, what about doctors, huh?

They prescribe it
to their patients.

- They use it.
- Yeah.

But then other people
take advantage of it.

Sitting around goin'..

[puffs]
"Yo, man, this weed

sure did clean up
this dandruff."

[puffs]

Look, Marlon,
you got through eight years

of high school without this.

Hey, it was only six, okay?

I ain't stupid.

You know what, whatever
the amount was, okay

you got through high school
without it.

- Why are you gonna do it now?
- Shawn.

I didn't have time
to do it in high school.

I was asleep.

- You know what, Marlon?
- Yo.

- I don't want you hangin'
out--
- What, man?

- Hey, man, don't what me.
- I'm sayin', man.

Alright, I don't want
you
hangin' out

with this kid Rico no more.

Come on, man, I've grown, son.

You can't tell me what to do.

Leave me alone! You, why
you always in my business?

Marlon, this ain't got
nothin' to do with
business

a'ight?

Look, yo, kid,
you're my baby brother,
right?

I'm just tryin'
to look out for
you.

Now, I'm gonna
flush this down the
toilet.

What, you don't trust me
to do it?

Marlon, when was the last time
you flushed the toilet?

Good point, you better do it.

Hey, ugh! Man! Ah!

You go flush that!

What the..
What's wrong with you, man?

Now wait a minute,
you're not sayin' that Marlon

smoked those tweeds himself,
do we?

I, I mean, I don't know, pop,
I mean he says he's not

but I wish there was a way
for me to figure out if he
was.

Uh, here he comes.
L-listen, leave it to
me.

I took a
three-day
intensive course

how to spot drug users.

So now he's gonna be defensive,
we have to be very subtle.

[mumbling]

Hey, y'all.

- Hey, Marlon?
- Hm?

You high?

Wow, Dee, that was about
as subtle as your breast.

Hm, hm, hm.

What is this? I step out
for ten minutes to get a
script

I come back,
you tell everybody I'm
high?

Look, relax, okay?
I didn't tell everybody.

I just told, Dee.
You could trust her.

- She's not gonna say
nothin'.
- Yeah.

He is high. Look at him.

You know what? I'm gonna go
grab some papers on my way out.

Papers? What do you need papers
for? What kinda paper?

Newspaper, okay?
Not those kind of
papers.

(Pops)
Marlon, Marlon,
come here, son.

- Come here, son.
- What, man!

I don't think you realize
how serious a matter this is.

Let me tell you a story.

I once knew a young surgeon.

He was at the top of his class
in his medical school.

Then he started
messing with drugs.

Next thing you knew,
his nerve was so bad

his hands started shakin'.
He couldn't operate.

Lost his license.

And that's what
ruined his career.

- Well, what happened to him?
- He's working at Supercuts.

Hold on, let me,
let me try for a minute.

Let me try
and break it down for you.

Look, Marlon, check this out.

Marlon, look.
This is your brain.

I'mma get a smaller egg.

Marlon...this is your brain.

Now, this is your brain..

You hardheaded, boy.

This is your brain on drugs.

And this is your brain
with some hot sauce..

...and some chopped ham.

Pop, I'm tryin' to teach
him a lesson, man!

And I'm tryin'
to run a business.

I'm not gonna waste
an egg on that fool.

[instrumental music]

Yo, Darius,
you heard those gunshots?

Darius?

Darius?

Oh, my God! They shot Darius!

That's it, that's it,
if I could just

nail it like that
for the audition.

Oh, my God, they shot Darius!

- Hey, Marlon, my man.
- Oh, what the dilly, yo?

Right, right, cool.
Whatcha doing up here, man?

Ah, just taking a meeting
on some new flick.

Oh, a meeting? So you big time,
big time, y'all take meetings.

I gotta audition.

Either that
or the castin' couch.

[laughs]

Ooh! Anyway, I'm goin'
in
for Steven Bergman.

Oh, yeah. You know, I turned
that piece of crap down.

Hey, but for you
that'll be good. Really, yeah.

Oh. Well, I finally think
I'll nail this character.

I'm just nervous though, man.

I never read for somebody
like Steven's caliber
before.

You'll be alright, man, just
do
whatever you do to relax.

I would, but I left
my booty magazines at home.

[scoffs]

Well, then, uh, do what I do.

Smoke a joint, man.

It'll take that edge right off.

Uh, I-I don't, I don't know
about that, man, I..

- Won't that mess up my
actin'?
- No, man!

That'll take you
to the next level, bro.

You know, I was high
when I got my first job?

Oh, yeah, that's right!

You played the stoned
guy
in "Getting Stoned."

Man, and ever since then
I work strictly high.

You see, it makes you
more creative, bro.

You know, it frees your mind.

You lose all inhibitions.

No wonder why Robert Downey Jr.
keeps workin'.

So, uh...what happened
to that joint I gave you?

Tsk. My brother put
it
in the toilet.

Well, uh, lucky for you..

...I've got an extra one.

Well, you're just
like
the cheeba man, huh?

Had all kind
of herb
endorsement.

Weed is..

Look, bro. Smoke that, okay?

And you will blow them away
at that audition.

[chuckles]

- Catch you later.
- Yup.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Mr. Williams?

[laughs]
Oh! What's the deal,
baby?

How you feelin'?
Word up, let's take the
scene.

You know what I'm
sayin'?
Word up, word up.

Like a Ken doll,
word up, word up.

Whoa! Mine don't do that.

[laughs]

Hi, I'm JJ, the producer
and this is of, uh, course

this is Steven Bergman.

[Marlon
laughing]
Oh!

I just wanna thank the Academy.

Uh, first and foremost I'd
like
to thank the man upstairs.

L. Ron Hubbard, thank you.

[banging]

Man, I won, I won!

I won and you didn't.

I won, I won,
I won and you didn't.

Na, na, prff.

[laughs]

Right, uh, I was thinking how
about if we just do the scene.

Oh, let me..
Who's that?

Oh, well, this is, uh,
this is our director

uh, Steven Bergman.

Obviously, this is,
this is, Marlon.

Shh! Hiya.

Nice to meet you, brother.

Yo, you got a big head.

[laughs]

You got a big
head.
Oh, I'm sorry.

He-he's the black guy from
"Everybody Loves Everybody."

Hey, where you, where you
get them liquor store
shades?

You got them, them cop shades.

These look like..

...tinted
windows,
they're so big.

Vroom. Say, girl,
what's your number?

[laughs]

Yo, when I was little
I used to wanna sing,
yo.

Oh, y'all got the mike,
too,
right here?

Let me try that.

Uh, careful, it's--

♪ Ooh yeah ♪

♪ Oo-oo-o-ooh ♪

♪ Oo-oo-o-ooh ♪

♪ Ha ha-a-a ♪♪

Girl, huh

I hate when you
believe in me sometime.

You hurt my feelings.

But I seen you in the room
with that other brother.

That's why I'mma get your
sister instead. You ain't
cute.

[laughs]

Whoa, I'm skiin'!

[grunts]
I'm
skiing.

There comes a tree.
There comes another
tree.

There goes the tree.
There goes the
bridge.

[snorts]

[laughs]
Ain't no brother don't
ski.

White guys do
everything.
Yeah, I'll be snow
surfin'.

Whoa! Wow! Everybody's
going surfin', dude!

[shouting]

[gibberish]

Oh, no!
Here comes a shark!
Cool!

[screams]

How come there ain't
no brother in "Jaws?"

Do you know why?
Brothers don't get in the
water.

Make us ashy.

[laughs]

Yo.

Yo, why she lookin' at me
like that, yo?

I mean..

Yo, why she lookin' at me?

Yo, can you tell her..

She's still lookin' at me, yo.

Yo, take that down off the wall.

- Get her off of the wall!
- Okay, okay, alright.

Yo, get her off the wall,
man, please! Please, please.

(JJ)
'Okay, it's, uh, it's
cool.
We got it.'

When I say bang,
you get shot and die, okay?

Alright.

B-bang, shot.

I got nothin' to
drink.
My mouth is dry.

Uh, we-we-we'll get you
some water in here.

Yeah. Uh, Jeannie,
bring in some water!

Alright, so here,
why don't you do
this?

Jeannie, bring your sister
in,
so we can all get down.

[laughs]

- Anytime.
- Alright, anytime.

What're we doing?

- Darius.
- Darius, right.

Alright, you
guys
scream action.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Action.

- What happened?
- Okay, you weren't ready.

- Okay.
- Do one, two, three.

- Right.
- Five, four, three.

Right, okay, and then do action.

Five, four, three, two--

One.

[indistinct singing]

[laughs]

Alright.

Action!

Oh, my God, Darius!

Darius.

Darius..

[sobbing]
Don't die, Darius.

Don't die, Darius.

Don't die, Darius, don't die.

♪ Don't die Darius don't die ♪

♪ Don't die Darius
don't die huh ♪

♪ Don't die Darius
don't die hey ♪

♪ Don't die Darius
don't die huh ♪

♪ Oh Darius don't die ha ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die
Ha ha ho ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die ♪

♪ Don't die Darius
don't die ♪♪

Alright...bang.

[singing continues]

(JJ)
'Bang.'

Bang!

You hit me.

But you missed
my vital organs, see.

- I shifted them.
- No.

I shifted them.
They're over here
now.

I put 'em in my leg.

All the vital organs are here.

I'm comin' after you
like the Terminator.

Alright, you..

[gibberish]

Mr. Williams..

Now I turn into liquid.

Look at it, I'm liquid.

[groans]

And now I'm puttin'
it
all together again.

[groans]

And I come back.
And I feel Diesel.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- And I'm the Terminator.

Yeah! Get off..

You see that?
That was ill, right?

Y'all should make this
science fiction, yo, right?

Please don't make me
call security.

What happened? How did I do?

Well, y'all didn't
even
see me die yet.

I think we just did.

Oh, yeah,
that's the writer talk.

Yo, hang on, there.

Alright, hey, you know where I
can get a fried baloney
sandwich

with, like, some,
some peas and carrots on
it

and, like, some caramel
sauce
and liquorice with it?

No?

You mind if I take
them jelly beans,
yo?

- Take them.
- I just want a couple.

Yeah.

Yo, I'll see
y'all later,
alright?

'Yo.'

It's a shame what drugs
do to a good actor.

First we got to fire
that pothead Rico and now
this.

(Shawn)
'Look, uh, if you just
give him another shot.'

I'm sure, look, I'm-I'm--

Hello?

- Hello?
- Whoo, Shawn!

I just ripped
this audition,
kid.

I was loose, I was
confident,
I was creative.

I'm tellin' you,
they're probably talkin'
about

castin' me right now.

Yeah, for the Rick James story.

I just got off the phone
with the producer, Marlon.

You didn't get the part.

Why? 'Cause I'm black?

Where's Al Sharpton?
We're gonna march.

Yeah, well, why don't you march
to the Betty Ford Center

okay?

You was high.

What are you talkin' about?

I wasn't high.
What makes you say that?

'Cause you're sittin' there
eating a gallon of jelly beans

and you smell like
Willie Nelson's beard.

I can't believe you, Marlon,
man, how could you blow

the biggest opportunity
of your career by getting
high?

It calms me.
That's why I smoke,
Shawn!

Yeah, I-I was nervous, man.

It just gave me
a little extra
confidence.

Marlon, don't you see
that's false?

Weed gives you a false
sense of security, man.

And then when you
come down off the high

you're worse off than you were
when you smoked it.

Now, not only did you
blow your part

but you have a bad reputation
just like your boy Rico.

What you talkin' about
Rico?
Rico got it made.

No, he doesn't.
I talked to JJ.

Rico can't even get an actin'
job because he's always high.

As a matter of fact,
he lost his job

that he was gonna get in
the sequel to "Getting
Stoned."

He's not gonna be
in "Getting
Stoneder?"

- This ain't no joke,
Marlon.
- I know, man.

I don't know
what I was thinkin',
man.

Honestly, it
doesn't
even feel good.

I mean, it's-it's like all hype.

I don't know, man.

For the first time
in my life, I..

...I actually felt stupid.

Good.

'Cause you were.

Next time you gonna
listen to me?

Ain't gonna be no next time.

I ain't smokin'
that stuff no
more.

That's what
I wanted to hear, kid.

(Shawn)
Look up, Marlon, say
"Cheese."