All language subtitles for The.Wayans.Bros.S05E02_English

(Shawn)
'Hey, boy, someone left
a package for you.'

Package? Look, if it's from
Shaniqua, don't accept it.

I don't care what she says,
Marlon Junior ain't mine.

Just open the damn package.

Oh, snap, kid!

These are my contracts from
"Everybody Loves Everybody."

They want me back
for five more
episodes.

- Whoo!
- Oh!

- Five more episodes.
- 'Excuse me.'

- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Hey, yo.

You gotta be honest though.

It gotta be weird being
the only brother

on all-white show.

Yeah, now I know
how Hootie feels

with the Blowfish.

Or Chris Rock
on "Saturday Night
Live"

[imitating Chris Rock]
They didn't put me in
those
sketches, but I

Alright, funny, funny.

Now, hush.
So I could sign my contracts.

Hey, hey, hey,
you better slow
down

and read the contract first.

Look, Marl, hey, if I was you,
since I know they want me back

I would sweeten my
deal
with some perks

like a dressing room.

And what's wrong
with my dressing room?

It's the men's room.

It wasn't that bad.

Hey, I did get to meet
George Michael.

[sighs]

Hey, a real
down-to-earth brother.

He has some clammy hands,
but he's cool.

Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, man.

Hey, look, th-the dressing
room
ain't for you

it's for your ego.

Shawn, where am I
gonna get a bird?

Especially an ego.

That's stupid.

Don't you know
they're distinct?

You should watch
some Discovery Channel,
brother.

You know what?
You need some help.

What?

And who better to help you

than your older brother.

Yeah, the same older brother

that got fired as my agent.

'Kay, true that,
but you should have some family

in your corner,
or else you get ripped
off.

Yeah, you got
a good point there.

What do you know
about managing?

I know that my fee
is 50% of your
check.

- Fifty percent?
- Hey, that's right.

Damn, that's kinda high.

You must be good.
You got a deal.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing
and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪♪

(male #1)
'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite!'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, pops,
you seen the show last night?

I sure did, son,
I liked it too.

I wish I could get paid
to act stupid.

Yeah, pops,
you'd be a millionaire.

Oh?

You think, my character looks
that stupid on the show?

Marlon, last night's show,
you played an entire scene

with your shoes
on the wrong feet.

I guess you're still
in character.

Hey, look, it's the black guy
in "Everybody Loves Everybody."

Hey, look,
it's annoying white
people.

Hey, and I'm notjust
the black guy, okay?

That's right,
he also plays the dumb guy.

I just love
the way you come up

with all those stupid
catchphrases like, um

"You all are tripping."

[laughs]

Hey, um, can I get
your autograph?

Sure, you know, I came
up
with a new catchphrase.

It's called,
"You be racist."

I told you
he knew how to write.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

"Dear, Barbie,
you smell like baloney."

- I don't get it.
- Hey, look here.

That goes to show
I'm not as dumb

as I am on TV, okay?

[laughs]
Sure you're right.

[both laugh]

Get her out of here, screech.

Pop, I don't want everybody
thinkin' I'm stupid.

Oh, that ship has sailed, son.

Hey, curls, look here.
You my manager.

Get up and go out there
an-and talk to 'em producers

and change my image, man.

I don't want
a bunch of dumb jokes.

Hey, the last
thing
you wanna do

is annoy the producers.

I just seen Lisa Bonet
in the subway

drummin' on a bucket
for quarters.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Now, quiet please.
We're rehearsing over here.

Alright now, kids, give
a lot of energy, lot of
energy.

Let's see the spark. Go!

Okay.

"I'm supposed to play
golf tomorrow with my boss

and she lost the number
to mycaddy."

"Ho ho ho, man,
where're you gonna find a caddy

on such short notice?"

Did somebody say
they need acaddy?

Let a brother
hook you up,
homie.

I'll kick you down.

Would you want a black caddy?

Excuse me, um,
is this in the script?

Hey, shut up,
Courtney Cockeyes.

I was improvising.

- Uh, Barney..
- That's Bernie.

Oh. That's I
meant,
Barney.

We need to talk we need
the power to get
together--

Shh, shh, shh,
quiet, quiet, quiet.

- I really love this part.
- Oh, it's probably great.

So, Lucius,
did you give me a caddy?

Ha ha. It's parked
right outside, hom-i-ie-ee.

First I went
to get me some Kool-Aid.

Ah, just like I like it,
like my ladies.

Sweet and go down easy.

Now, here are all the ke-e-ys.

Ah. Take that homeboy.

"Oh, no, don't tell me
you brought a Cadillac."

"That's right.

"Oh, man and look here

it is beau-ti-ful."

I'm tellin' you, just ask
Peppermint Patty right here.

"Yes, it's beautiful, I
borrowed
it from my Uncle Cephas."

He sells meat
out the trunk, but shh.

Keep that on the DL.

[Bernie laughs]

- That's great.
- That's a great line.

"Lucius, Justin
wanted a caddy

to carry
his golf clubs
tomorrow."

Oh, ma bag!

"But, hey, look here, you can
carry the clubs in the trunk

but you just got to move
all the pork first."

[Bernie laughs]

Pork in the trunk.
Oh, man.

Move that pork.

That really kills me,
I don't know why..

Oh, man,
that's hilarious, man.

- You're a genius, Ernie.
- It's Bernie.

Oh, yeah,
that's what I said, Barney.

Hey, look here, man,
check it out.

Um, Marlon's startin'
to feel like

his character is uh..

...you know, startin'
to be portrayed as a idiot.

That's why we hired him.

But, hey, I've been
in this business a long
time.

Take it from me.
That Cadillac guy is
hilarious.

- And it's real.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, uh, no
doubt.

But, um, the thing is I know

that there's more levels
to him, you know.

He is the kind of guy
that likes to take risk.

If you give him something
to challenge himself with

he will do great.

Well, there is
this
love story idea

we've been kickin' around.

Has a lot of drama in it, but..

[clicks tongue]
I'm not just sure that,
uh..

...your brother is
mentally
up to the challenge.

Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.

Marlon's been mentally
challenged for all his life.

Check it out, check it out.

- Uh, Marlon, come here.
- Hey, what's up?

- Um, I got bad news, kid.
- What happened?

Pops has been
in a horrible accident.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

[crying]

My suit, boy.

That little black man..

...with them white shoes.

Wh-y-y-y?

- Oh..
- But it's okay, he'll
live.

- He.. He'll live?
- He'll live.

Oh, thank God.

Hallelujah. Oh.

But he was wearin'
your brand-new leather jacket.

What? I-I'll kill him.
I'll kill him.

Where is he?
I'll stab him. I'll stab
him.

No, no, no, no, no.
The cleaners fixed it.

But they found a $100 bill
inside the pocket.

A what? A $100?

- 'A $100.'
- Ooh-hoo.

♪ I got $100 ♪

♪ Go get $100 ♪

♪ He doesn't have $100 ♪

♪ You gonna feel $100 ♪

♪ You gonna be a $100 ♪

♪ We gots to find $100 ♪

♪ Ain't nobody got $100 ♪

♪ It's a real $100 ♪

♪ It is new a $100 ♪

♪ Not the old $100 ♪

♪ It's the new $100 ♪♪

But it was Monopoly money.

Damn, man.

Now, is that enough level
for you?

I'm very moved.
You talked me into
it.

- We'll give him a shot.
- Thank you, man.

- Alright.
- You wont be sorry.

Congratulations.

Who's the baddest manager
out there, boy?

See, now you ain't gonna be
the stupid brother on the
show.

- Oh, you hooked it?
- I hooked it up.

Oh, man,
you're the best, Shawn.

Hey, I'mma go run
to the hospital and tell pops.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

It's here.
That's it, that's it.

Thanks.

Shawn, it's called "The Kiss."

[mumbling]

Let's see who you're kissin',
let's see who you're kissin'.

Come on.

Alright, it says,
"We're all at the
bistro

and it's late, and I'm
sittin'
in the corner
with...Terry."

- Terry..
- Sounds sexy. Sounds sexy.

- Alright, alright,
alright.
- Whoo, whoo.

Ah, okay. Y-y-you be
Terry.
You be Terry.

Uh. "Oh, my God, I've been
watchin' you, Lucius."

Lucius, that's
me.
I'm Lucius.

Rhymes withwhocius.

"Like, the way you walk,
the way you sit

"like, the way you talk..

"...you got like,
such the prettiest mouth.

Oh, my God."

"You been
trippin',.
Word up, Terry

"I mean, I dig what you
sayin'
but you're not my type

"and besides
Justin's your
brother.

You know this whole
situation
is whack."

"Just give it a chance.

"Just like, just like get
free.
Give it a chance.

I can rock your world."

"And then Terry gives you
a long hard kiss."

Shawn, finally
someone's
paying me for sex.

Oh!

Hey, yo, and I bet they hired

someone famous to be,
to play the girl.

You think? Oh, kid,
please,
please let it be Halle
Berry.

Please let it be Halle Berry.
please let it be Halle Berry.

Shawn, you think Halle
Berry'll
smell like feet?

Um, ha ha. Actually you got
bigger problems than that.

Uh, Terry is being played
by...Bruce Gordon.

They want you to kiss a dude.

You better get up
off your knees.

[instrumental music]

Oh, hell
no.
Uh-uh.

Hell no.
I ain't kissin' no
dude.

What are you smokin'?

Hang on, hang on, look.

It's actually
a pretty good story, man.

Look, Justin's gay
identical twin brother Terry

is spending the weekend,
heh, heh, heh..

...and he comes on to you

causing you to question
your sexuality.

Questions? Shawn, I don't
have any questions. I
don't.

Yo, and then there's this
hilarious scene

at the masquerade party.

I don't care what you say.

I'm not swapping spit
with no Bruce Gordon.

I'm not doing
it.
Shawn, look.

Millions of women
are gonna see this
right.

And they gonna
think
I'm gay.

And then I won't get no rhythm.

Marlon, millions of women

already
don't give you no rhythm.

No, no, see you wrong.

They just play hard to
get,
that's all.

It ain't playing hard to get
when they Taser your privates.

You just quit changing
the subject, alright, look
here.

Mr. Manager, you go down there
and make them change that script

I'm not kissing no dude.

- Marlon. Hey, stop.
- No, no.

- Stop, stop, stop.
- Ha, he, ha.

You don't stop.

Now, listen to
me.
I told you.

This is what you wanted.

- What're you mad?
- This is what you wanted.

You asked me to do this,
you wanted to get a part

that's gonna showcase
your acting skills.

So now,
I'm giving it to
you.

Besides, hey,
Will Smith kissed a
guy.

And now, he's making
$20 million dollars a
flick.

- He does?
- Yeah.

And women still love him.

So don't be so obsessed
about your image, okay.

Nobody's gonna
think you're
gay.

- See you later.
- Hey, man.

[instrumental music]

Good news, I just got through
talking to the producers.

I don't have to
kiss
the dude.

Oh, no, you still
swapping spit.

But yo. Check it out.

I got them to add some more
moon pies to your muffin
basket.

Who's the man, huh?

- Hey, Shawn.
- Huh?

You're fired!

Marlon, come on man, look,
there was nothing I could
do.

You signed a contract, man.

- It's just a TV show.
- Are you..

Marlon, you're making
too much out of this.

Marlon, there's no shame
in kissing a man.

I never told anybody this
but I kissed a man

to get out of the army.

My God, even Pops
can get more men than I
can.

Anyway, I walked right up
to that lieutenant

told him I had a crush on him

gave him a big kiss
right on his lips.

And the motto then wasn't,
"Don't ask don't tell."

It was, "Get this tutti
frutti
out of here quick."

In one second I had a one way
ticket back to the States.

Wow, Pops, that was risky.

Cause you could
have been
court-martialed.

Or beaten up.

Or ended up
in a bad
relationship.

Well, Dee, actually,
the lieutenant didn't mind.

He still sent me
a single rose on my birthday.

I wonder what happened
to...O'Colon?

Damn. I don't know
what to do, man.

You know, on one hand,
I-I want to be taken

seriously as an actor.

But then on the other hand.

I don't want people
to seriously think I'm gay.

How about in the other hand
you're making

$5000 dollars an episode.

Look at that hand.

You know, you just
talking.
Alright.

Would you kiss a man, Shawn.

Huh?

Would you kiss a man?

Hey, look, I ain't no actor
so
I ain't got to worry about
that.

Oh, okay, look.

If you was an actor
and if you were me.

And in order to stay
on
the top rated sitcom

you had to kiss a
man,
would you do it?

Yo, alright, busted.

If..

If I, if I was an actor, right.

And, uh-uh,
my job was on the line.

Yeah. Okay, yeah,
I will let..

No, no, no, listen,
listen, hear me out.

Hear me out though, listen.

Yeah, I would let a man kiss me.

I-I probably you know wouldn't
think about his, you know

his scratchy facial hair.

And his hot man breath.

I don't want to talk
about this no more.

Yeah, see, look at you.

I didn't think so.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Marlon, where you been?

- Just having a snack.
- Oh.

What the hell is that?

He's been in my kitchen
eating garlics and onions

and day old fish heads.

- How could you do that, man?
- That's what I'm telling him.

Now, I gotta think of another
special for tomorrow.

Hey, lookie here, okay.

If I back out the producer
said,
they'll sue me, okay.

And then I'll lose my money.

I ain't playing with my money.

Now, if I can make
Justin back out.

It's a whole nother story.

Partner, watch this.

- Hey, what's happening?
- Hey.

Homie.

Please call me, Terry,
I'm trying to stay in
character.

Ha. Ha.

You arehilarious.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm feelingfine.

How are you feeling,huh?

Well, I'm okay, my nose
is totally stuffed

hay fever season.

Excuse me.

Shawn!

What am I supposed to do now?

Marlon, do you remember
why you became an actor.

Yeah. To knock some boots.

Boy, was I off.

Marlon, listen,
sometimes
as a professional actor

you have to do things that's
gonna make you uncomfortable.

Now, listen.
Look at Wesley
Snipes.

In "To Wong Foo,"
he had to get in a
dress.

That was Wesley Snipes?

Man, I gotta get that
poster off my wall.

- Listen, Marlon.
- What?

Just because you play somebody
gay doesn't make you gay.

If you,
if you play a
killer.

Does that mean you a killer?

- No.
- No.

It's about the art, man.

It's just skin.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Of course, I'm
right.
I'm telling you,
listen.

When you're doing
this kissing scene

try thinking about
something masculine.

Like-like baseball. Okay?

Think about baseball,
before
you know it it'll be over.

Just think baseball.

A'ight.

- I'mma give it a shot.
- Okay.

- Thanks, kid.
- Alright.

Now, I know what I gotta do.

I'll tell you
the first thing you
gotta do.

Go brush your damn teeth.

Okay, quite everybody.
Let the actors do their
work.

Camera's rolling.
Okay, lot's of energy
now.

Five, four, three, two.

Yo, what's up, man?

I got here
as soon as I
could.

What's the 911, money?

Would you like a mochaccino?
I know I could use one.

Mochaccino?
Hmm, this is serious.

What's the deal, yo.

I can't keep it to myself
anymore, Lucius.

I've been watching you.

- The way you walk.
- Hmm.

- The way you sit.
- Say what.

The way you talk.

You have a pretty mouth.

You betripping.

Hey, look here.

I dig what you're saying, homie.

But you ain't my type.

Besides, Justin's your brother.

And if you ask me,
this whole situation

is wickedy-wickedy-whack.

Just give me another chance.

I can rock your world.

- I can't do it.
- What happened?

(Bernie)
'Cut, cut ,cut.'

I had my line mixed up.
I still get my money, right?

It's not
you.
It's you.

You get the money.
You don't get
nothing.

We talked about this.
Didn't we talk about
this?

Okay. I know it's
unprofessional, I'm sorry.

Unprofessional,
I'll show you
unprofessional.

Hey, hey, relax, relax,
hey, relax, relax.

Let me, let me talk to him.

Hey, Justin, Justin,
relax, man.

Look, just talk to me, man.

What is it me, is it me?

What, eh, what,
you turning all this down?

What-what-what-what,
you calling me a douche?

What you saying, I'm ugly?

This is one very
attractive young man,
here.

- Thank you. Hey, whoa.
- I'm just not comfortable.

Let me talk to him.
Hey, look, come here, man.

Sit down.
You gotta relax, man.

- Loosen up.
- Relax.

Release, man, you know
what I'm saying, release.

Alright. Just get in touch
with your feminine side.

- You know what I'm saying.
- Will you please not touch
me.

Chill, chill, hey, look, man.

This is-is just-just skin.

Look, just because,
just because you play
gay

don't make you gay.

Look, just cause
you play a white
boy

are you really a white boy?

Alright, bad
example.
Alright, look.

Just relax, relax,
man,
just relax, come on.

Say it with me.

[singing in foreign language]

You feel
relaxed?
Feel relaxed?

Come on, man,
let's do this.

I don't want to.

What you tripping for? Look,
just think of baseball,
alright?

You got the bat, alright.

You-you got, you got
the-the squeeze plays

and the lines drives
right up the middle.

- Will you get away from me.
- What're you tripping for.

Hey, relax.

- Hot coco.
- Ah, thanks.

I hope it ain't too sweet.

You know it is.

It's been a long hard day.

Yeah, it sure has.

Look at you,
you got all freaked out

cause you had to kiss a dude.

And then you didn't even
have to through with it.

Huh, acting scared.

I just wanna thank you
for the pep talk, man.

For real, you got me
thinking
about the bigger picture

it's always about the art.

- That's way to think, baby
boy.
- Thank you.

Hey, but you know what,
you don't even have to worry

about that anymore.

You know, they threw out
the whole script.

- Get outta here.
- Yup.

Because they got
a bunch of negative

reactions from the sponsor.

Yeah, they probably nervous
about portraying anything
gay.

Ah, actually they were cool
with the gay stuff.

It was the interracial
stuff they didn't like.

Ain't that a blip.

You believe all this controversy

just because two men
were kissing on
television.

- I know. It's ridiculous.
- Sick.

- A'ight, man.
- A'ight.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, baby boy.

[instrumental music]