All language subtitles for The.Ms.Pat.Show.S01E03_English

- Isn't it funny how kids
never turn out

the way you want them to?

Like my son here, Brandon.

I wouldn't call him dumb,

but if he was in a spelling
test against a rock,

child, I'd put my damn money
on that rock.

And then this one right here
is my favorite, Junebug.

And don't lie, parents,
we all got a favorite kid,

and I don't even know why
he's my favorite.

Don't nobody like him but me.

And then we have Janelle--

you know, that smartass kid
that you would like

to fuck up some time, always
screaming about equality?

I'm like, "Girl, with all
the shit you be talking,

you better be the next
Rosa Angelou Obama."

Sometimes kids let us down

the same way we let
our parents down,

and I don't know where they'll
be at in the next ten years.

But one thing I can tell you,

they're going to be
the fuck up out of my house.

- Hey, y'all.

- We need your help.
[door closes]

So I got these numbers
for the banner,

and I was gonna
put mom's age up,

but none of us know
how old she is.

- Oh, well,
just put her weight up there.

- So that number would be...

- Uh-uh, she trying to get us
killed. Don't do that.

- Well, isn't she, like, three
years younger than you?

- Allegedly.
- Wait, so how old are you?

- Grown.

- That doesn't help.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, put up a number
in the 40s.

- You know, it's low-key sad
we don't know her age.

- I didn't even know
it was her birthday.

- Yeah, I only know
'cause I used her license

when mine was suspended.

- Hey, y'all.

Ashley's on her way.

- Yes, finally a sibling
with some sense.

- Well, two out of four
ain't bad.

Does Pat know Ashley's coming?

- No, not yet, Denise.

And y'all got to get
these decorations up

before your mama come down,
now, come on.

- Okay, we're almost done.
- All right.

Denise, did you get all
the ingredients from the store?

- Now, you know
it's all in there,

'cause I know you about
to throw down tonight.

- Yeah, I got to cook up
something special for my baby.

- Yeah, well, you do know
your baby

don't give a damn
about birthdays.

- I made sure I got
something good this time.

- Hey, I got her
something special, too.

Your boy finally got a job.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, okay, okay, okay.
- Congrats, son.

- Yeah, you need some pee?
'Cause I got you.

- Why don't you use your pee
to get your own job?

- But we can't give Pat
the same thing--that's tacky.

- Yeah, kind of like the time
you got her those workout DVDs.

- Oh, my God.
- What? What? What?

Pat said that she wanted
to look like she did

before she had kids.

- Nigga, she was 13.

- ♪ Let's go, it's time
to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show"

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm looking for Terry's gift.
- Why?

- 'Cause if I find it
before he give it to me,

I can act like I like it.

- Now, you know
you can't act.

- Check this out.

"This is wonderful, Terry.
Gee-willikers."

- What the fuck
is a willikers?

- I don't know.

- And why would Terry hide
your gift in here anyway?

- Because he trusts Janelle.

- Well, I sleep in here, too.

- Damn, you right.

Where the one place
you wouldn't look?

both: The bookshelf.

- Got his ass.
- Yes.

Yes, open it. Okay.

- What the fuck is this?

- I think it's supposed to be
a Prada.

- This look like a nigga
named "Nada."

Fuck it, I'm just gonna buy
my own gift next year

and put his name on it.

- You know, and he probably
paid $400 for that

when I could have gotten him
the real one for 200.

- How the hell
are you gonna get a real purse

cheaper than a knockoff?

- 'Cause I met this chick
at Panda Express.

[chuckles] She got the hook-up
on everything.

- You was only at Panda Express
for a minute.

- Well, you're a married woman.

You know a lot can happen
in a minute.

- Ain't that the truth.

- Well, look,
I'ma go swap this one out

with a real one
and put it right back,

and he'll never have to know.

[doorbell rings]

- Pat!
both: Oh, shit.

[both speaking over each other]

- Okay, okay.
- Stop.

Get the fuck out of here.
- Okay, I'm sorry, okay.

[together]
Happy birthday!

- Oh, who made that sign?
I love it.

- Me too.

Now I don't have to buy
another one for two, three...

- Ten years.

Who was at the door?
- Give it to her, Brandon.

- Happy birthday.
- Ashley!

If it ain't the baby
who ruined my childhood.

- If it ain't the mama
who ruined mine.

- You look good.
You lost weight?

- Me? Look at you
looking like...yourself.

- Who idea was this?

'Cause I know it wasn't
your dad's.

- It actually was.
- Mm-hmm.

- See? Don't know what
the hell you talkin' about.

Come on, girl.
[smooches]

Come on, y'all.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Ashley.
- Ohh.

- That's my niece.
- Hey, Auntie.

- Man, it's good
to see you, sis.

- Well, back at you, Fit Rite.

- What, y'all told her?

- They've been telling
everybody about that.

- Mama's got a whole joke
on it.

- And look at you growing up.
Do I see a mustache?

- Oh, you know we out here.

- Oh, nah, you just ain't wash
your face good.

- What?

- Bonjour,sis, ca'va?

- Ah, ca'va bien. Et toi?

- Here they go
with this Spanish shit.

- It's French, and it's good
to see you, too, Auntie.

- Where you been?
- I know where she ain't been.

- Oh, Lord, here we go.

- We ain't seen you in a year.

You can't call home to your
mama like normal people do?

- Normal people don't have
to get cussed out

when they call their mothers.

- Asking you why your funky ass

ain't call home
ain't cussing you out.

- I swear, y'all act
just like sisters.

- That's 'cause
they grew up together.

- Uh, sisters?

According to my uneven titties,
I'm the mama.

- I thought you would have
your own place by now.

- You talking to her or me?

- That's a damn shame.

- Ashley,
how long are you staying?

- Just a week.

- That's what
the other two said.

- You talking to her or me?

- Yes.

- Wait a minute, is that
your new Lexus outside?

- Yeah, that's me.

- Oh, okay.

You take a picture of me
in the car?

- Sure.

- Stop playing
before I drive off in your car.

- Ah.
[car lock beeps]

See, that's why
didn't nobody miss you.

- Just like old times.

- Mama.

- Me speak no English.

- Ooh, let's eat.

- Uh-uh, we got to pray first.

- Who's gonna lead
the prayer?

- Pat should.
It's her special day.

- You sure?
- Mm.

- Okay.

Bow your head
and keep one eye open.

I pledge allegiance--

- Pat.

- Oh, it's been a minute.

Lord, I know it's a nigga
out there begging You

for a Gucci belt
he can't afford.

But I want to thank You for
bringing my family together,

and especially
my firstborn back,

who don't know how to use
a damn phone.

- Well...

- And can You please tell her
to call on me

the same way I call
on Chick-fil-A?

- Yes, sir.

- Lord, I'm thankful
for Brandon and, um, Junebug...

I think.

- She said my name first.

- And can You please
tell Janelle

to calm
that civil rights shit down?

- Why not just pray
for equality?

- Lord, do You have any angels
in Heaven

that ain't doing shit
that can come down here

and slap the hell
out of my daughter?

And I want to thank my husband
for making this meal

that gonna keep me on the
toilet till my feet go numb.

- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

- Amen.
all: Amen.

- I haven't had home cooking
like this in a minute.

- Can't get home cooking
till you come home.

Ain't that a concept?
- Ooh.

Well, I hope you all enjoy.
[chuckles]

Denise, where you been?

- Huh?
- Food is ready.

- Oh, I was outside
smoking a cigarette.

- For two hours?

- Well, you know, I was trying
to make up my mind,

'cause, you know,
I'm wearing the patch,

but then I didn't realize
that the patch had went dead.

So then I had to smoke two,
but I let one burn down,

so, technically,
I only smoked one,

so now I'm closer to quitting.

- What's that behind your back?

- Say what, now?

- What are you doing
with Pat's gift,

and where did you go with it?

- Oh, it was so pretty, Terry,

that I wanted to see
what it looked like

out in the moonlight.

Now I'm gonna take it back.

- Open the gift bag, Denise.

- Fine.

I wanted to replace it
to get a better gift,

but then when I got it outside,

I saw that you actually
did good this time.

- Oh, thanks.
- Uh-huh.

- Open the gift bag, Denise.

- Ahh, I did do good, didn't I?

- Yeah, nigga, you did.

- Go on and put it back before
you ruin the surprise now.

- Okay. Okay. All right.

[sighs]

- Brandon, can you pass me
the collard greens?

- Baby, you put your gout
in these greens.

- All right, baby.

- You can have them back.

- What did you put
in this sauce, Pops?

- That's that Suge Knight
sauce.

I call it "manslaughter bipolar
barbecue."

- My bad, y'all.

I had to go meet a woman
about a panda.

- Did that panda
eat that bamboo?

- Tore that shit up.

- What the hell
y'all talking about?

- Queefing.

- Never mind.

- What's queefing?

- I was just about to ask you.

- Pat, this rib right here

is hitting harder
than your first baby daddy.

I'm sorry, but that was good.

You got to write
that down, Pat-Pat.

- No.

I want to thank y'all
for this dinner.

It was special,
and I truly appreciate it.

- Hey, Ma, I got you a gift.
- Mm, and it's a good one.

- What is it?
- I got a job interview.

- Interview?

- You--you--you told us
you had a job.

- Uh, you guys didn't let me
finish, so that's on you.

- When is it, son?
- This Wednesday at 5:30.

- Today is Thursday.

- What? Damn.

Well, I guess I'll just apply
for your birthday, Dad.

- Boy, you gonna be late
for my damn funeral.

- Your funeral?

- Yeah, 'cause you gonna be
waiting on me

to CashApp you gas money.

- Well, if you stop enabling
the boy,

he wouldn't need
to borrow money.

- Oh, Lord.
- Excuse me?

But this
lopsided-head-ass Negro

came out of my hot pocket.

When something finally crawl
out of yours,

then you can comment, okay?

- The drama. Can somebody
please pass the liquor?

- Yeah, we can pass it
right on by your ass.

You know your brain ain't old
enough to drink.

- Auntie, how you been doing
in Indiana?

- It's been rough so far.

You know, this dating pool
is shallow.

I actually been thinking
about taking

a little dive in the lady lake.

- Stop lying.

- I'm for real.

- Denise, you barely eat fish.

- Well, who said I'm the one
who gonna be eating?

- Oh, hell, no.

You ain't about to be bringing
that bulldagger shit

up in my house,

dating bitches
that look like Terry.

- I don't find that funny.
- Me either.

- 'Cause you too damn bougie
to laugh.

- No, because what you said
was disrespectful.

- How was that disrespectful?

All I said was bulldagger.

You acting like I'm talking
about a cross-eyed motherfucker

while a cross-eyed motherfucker
is in the room

looking at us sideways.

- You know, I'm with Janelle.

I don't like
what you said either,

'cause I would never date
no Terry-looking-ass bitch.

- Where you going?
We eating dinner.

- You said you don't allow
bulldaggers in your house.

- What's that got to do
with you?

- I'm gay.

- Girl sit your ass down
and stop playing.

- I think she's serious, Pat.

- I am.

- Serious or gay?

- I'm gay.

- You serious?

- Do you have a problem with me
being gay?

- I don't.
- Me neither.

- Dildo.
I mean, uh, ditto.

- Can we please just eat?

- Why would you want to be gay?

- Want to?
Nobody asks to be oppressed.

I was born this way.

- Not according
to my ultrasound.

- You know what?
- All right. All right.

All right.
- You better get her.

- Why don't we all just take
a breath, huh,

and hear each other out?

- I've heard enough
of what she has to say.

- Ashley.
- No, Brandon, I'm tired

of her always talking like
she got some moral high ground,

like she's perfect.

Do you know the mess
you put us through as kids,

how we had to watch
Lloyd beat you

and then watch you fight
every woman he cheated with?

- You didn't have to watch.

You could have helped
a bitch out.

You was old enough to bite
a hole in a kneecap.

- And let's not even talk
about the illegal stuff,

like you selling drugs
in front of my school.

- Hell, your teacher
was going to buy

that dope from somebody.

- I mean, you did hide crack
in our diapers.

- And you shitted on my crack,
so we even.

- Look at that.
Always a joke, no remorse.

- I'm not joking.

Have you ever tried
to sell shitty crack?

- No. Have you ever tried
to smoke shitty crack, okay?

It gets all under
your fingernails, and then--

- Uh, I'll--I'll save you some.

- You have no right to judge
what I want to do with my life.

You were a horrible mother.

- [scoffs]
Is that what y'all think?

- I think the food's
getting cold.

- And I think that everyone
needs to calm down.

- No, Terry, they think
I'm a horrible mom.

Fuck all y'all.

Get out of my face.
- Pat.

- Happy birthday, Mom.
- Shut up.

- Ashley,
come move your goddamn car.

- Y'all seen your sister?

- Yeah,
she on the porch drinking.

- Maybe you should go talk
to her.

- You know,
this is all your fault.

- What?

- You shouldn't have been
talking

about backstroking
in Lady Lakes.

- Well,
how was I supposed to know

she was already
deep-sea diving?

I just wanted an invite
to the Coochie Convention.

- Speaking of deep-sea diving,

y'all seen the trailer
for that new "Aquaman"?

- Really?

- Her sexuality shouldn't even
be a family discussion.

- Which is why I'm trying
to talk about "Aquaman."

So what's y'all favorite
superhero?

- I like
Shut The Fuck Up Man.

Did Ashley tell y'all
about any of this?

- Yeah, she told us years ago.

- Well, why do you think
she wanted to hide it from me?

- Probably 'cause you would
have asked

about a Coochie Convention.

- [scoffs, clicks tongue]
This is a mess.

And what are we gonna do
about Pat?

Maybe your gift will help
cheer her up.

- I hope so.

I think she's gonna really
love that diamond bracelet.

- Diamond bracelet?

You got her a purse.

- Yeah, but the purse was fake.

I wanted her to believe
that I failed

before she found
a real diamond bracelet

inside of it.

- A real diamond bracelet?

- Yeah, yeah,
you didn't see it?

- Where the cognac at?

- Uh-uh, Denise, Denise,
you recovering.

You can't drink.

- No, I know.
[chuckles]

I just gonna smell it.

You know,
brown liquor get you ready

for one of two things--

either to fuck or to fight,

and I'm praying that I ain't
got to do both tonight.

- Hey.

You mind if I sit?

- Sure.

- I'm sorry
about all the stuff

your mother said earlier.

It's not coming
from a venomous place.

- That's why I haven't been
able to talk to y'all.

- I didn't know what to expect,

especially with y'all
being Christians.

- Christian?
[scoffs]

Did you not hear that prayer
over the food?

[scoffs]

Regardless, Princess,

the greatest commandment
of a Christian is to love.

Now, I know what the Bible says
about gay folks.

Hell, Deuteronomy says
if Junebug rebels,

I can stone him to death.

That book is full

of all kinds of wonderful
life-changing things,

and it definitely has
the spirit of God.

But it was also written
by humans

who know how to hurt
other humans.

- It took me so long to learn
to love myself, Daddy...

So long to feel
like I didn't need to...

fix something inside me.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Out of all those
other kids in this family,

you ain't the one
that need to be fixed.

You and your mama got a lot
more in common than you think.

Well, look, she's not perfect,

but what do you expect
from a 14-year-old mother?

She did the best
with what she had,

and it was all for y'all.

- I know that,
but she's not 14 anymore, Dad.

- She's still your mother, huh?

Hey, at least go
and talk to her.

- Where'd she even go?

- I'm not sure,
but her phone location is on,

so we can find her.

- You track her location?

- Yeah, for safety.

- I'm sure
Mama can handle herself.

- That's for
everybody else's safety.

- Thank you.

- What you thanking me for?

- You may not be
my biological father,

but you've always been
the best father

I could ever ask for.

- You really know
how to make somebody cry.

My money wasn't wasted
on that psychology degree.

- Okay.
[both laugh]

- You are loved.

- You know we got
an audience, right?

- Ow!

- That's what you get
for eavesdropping.

- Eavesdropping?
We didn't hear anything.

You hear something, Junebug?

- I didn't hear anything.
You hear something, Brandon?

- Well, I heard Dad say,

"What do you expect
from a 14-year-old mother?"

Then I heard Ashley
said that she loved Dad,

even though he never popped
a seed inside of Mama.

And then Ashley said that she
was gonna go talk to Mom,

and Dad said that he's glad

that she didn't waste
his money.

Y'all didn't hear any of that?

And y'all call me the dumb one.

- Mom is just processing.

That's all.

We love you.

- Thanks, sis.

- Oh, look at my babies.
[chuckles]

- Hey.
- What's happening?

- Dad.
- Come on.

- Stop.
- Open up.

- Open the door.
- Just like the old times.

Hello, honey.

There are some colored people
at the front door.

- Today my birthday, y'all.

[cheers and applause]

I'ma make this shit quick,

'cause my husband think
I'm at Walmart.

Today was supposed to be
my special day, y'all,

but, no,
my daughter had to come out

and tell everybody she was gay
and steal my sunshine...

like she was gonna turn
straight at the stroke

of midnight or some shit,
like a gay-ass Cinderella.

But I remember my baby daddy's
mother-in-law told me

when my baby was little that
she had a clit-licking spirit.

And I got mad, and I was like,
"Bitch, fuck you.

Go baptize your wig backwards."

But I guess she was right,

'cause she came out as gay,
and I got to say,

I'm happy that she came out,

because at least I know
that she would never have

to suck a real dick
to get ahead.

Oh, fuck you.
Your kids suck dicks, too.

That's my time, y'all.
I'm Ms. Pat.

[cheers and applause]

- You're hilarious.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, that was great,
you guys.

- He's right.

- What you doing here?

- Terry told me
where to find you.

- Can I get you a drink
or something?

- No.

That was a good set.

- Thanks to you, I got
five minutes of new material.

- I just wanted
to come apologize.

- For what?

- Calling you horrible.

I know you sacrificed a lot.

- Thank you.

- You don't have anything else
you want to say?

- Mm-mm.

- Not a "sorry"?
- Mm-mm.

- You called me a bulldagger.

- No, I didn't.

I told Denise not to be acting
like a bulldagger.

- So you're just gonna
keep saying it?

- I didn't mean
any of that stuff.

You dropped a bomb on me.

- Up there, you just said
you already knew who I was.

- I mean, I kind of knew
who you was

when I walked in
and caught you sucking

on your Barbie doll titties.

But, hell,
I thought it was a phase.

I didn't know you was gonna
grow up to suck real titties.

- Do you know how much weight

that would have taken off me
if I knew that?

Why didn't you say anything?

- I was hoping
it would change.

I didn't see stuff
that way, okay?

I wanted you to do stuff
I couldn't do,

like go to college, date men,

have kids, get married.

- You literally did everything
on that list but college.

- Look, I'm sorry, you know,

I didn't respond
with rainbow confetti,

but you was born a Black woman.

Ain't that hard enough?
Why add to it?

- The addition
was not my choice.

You got to take that up
with God.

All I want is to be happy.

Why can't that be enough
for you?

- I want you to be happy,
but, hell,

it ain't like I got
my own feelings

like I did something wrong?

- Did something wrong?

So I turned out wrong to you?

- That's not what I'm saying.

- I just came to apologize.

- Ashley. Ashley!

- Ah, welcome home,
drama queen.

Where is Ashley?
- I don't know.

- Wasn't she at the club?
- Yeah.

- Hmm. Well, what--

- I don't want to talk
about it.

- Well, you know what?

I got something
that's gonna cheer you up.

Close your eyes.

- You better not
put your dick in my hand.

- Shut up and take the gift.

- Oh, how wonderful.

Gee-willikers.

- What the hell is
a "williker"?

- Nothing. Thank you.

- Are you disappointed?

- It's fake.

- Look inside.

- Oh, my God.

- You like it?

- If it's real.

- Yeah, it's real.

- You don't seem too happy.

- It's beautiful. I'm just
still thinking about Ashley.

- You know, baby,

I don't think you handled that
too well today.

- I know, but I was just--

- Life and death lives
in the mouth of a parent.

And as for us,
we got to choose life.

The rest of the world
already got death on lock.

- I know.
I need to call her.

- I love you.

- Love you, too.
- Oh, baby.

- Y'all--y'all know where
the Epsom salt at?

- What the hell happened
to you?

- And why are you limping?

- Two pandas tried to jump me
in the alley.

- Tried, my ass.

They beat the panther
out that coat.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ Raising kids

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪