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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,975
I found this typewriter next
to the courtyard dumpster.
2
00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:12,875
An old Underwood 5 with
original carriage return.
3
00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:18,478
Took her home, polished her up
and bought a brand new ribbon
4
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:20,576
off of
electronicbay. com.
5
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:23,779
Okay, somebody has
got to do something.
6
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,688
I'm getting
a cluster headache.
7
00:00:26,826 --> 00:00:28,418
He's leaving.
8
00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:29,784
Let's go.
9
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,660
I've got
to throw it away.
10
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,523
No, I'm not.
It weighs a billion tons.
11
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:35,761
What is he
typing, anyway?
12
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:39,868
"If you sons of bitches try to remove
this typewriter, I'll kill you."
13
00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:44,407
I'm going to type
every word I know!
14
00:00:45,845 --> 00:00:48,871
Rectangle.
America.
15
00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:52,045
Megaphone.
Monday.
16
00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:54,575
Butthole.
17
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,638
Well,
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings,
18
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:20,473
but these interviews are more
important than we thought.
19
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,814
Harvest Fest is
two weeks away,
20
00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:25,146
and awareness is still pretty low.
21
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,345
Boy, 35%?
It's actually 34.2%.
22
00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:31,456
"34.2%." I'm Ben,
the numbers robot.
23
00:01:31,524 --> 00:01:33,458
It's just an exact calculation.
24
00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:35,756
"It's just an exact calculation."
All right.
25
00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:39,395
So, we're doing a huge media blitz
to publicize the Harvest Festival,
26
00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,401
and we've got TV,
newspaper, radio...
27
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:45,336
And I even called Oprah.
28
00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:48,864
Well, I tried to call Oprah.
I couldn't get her number.
29
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,669
I'm putting it out there,
like The Secret.
30
00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,175
And hopefully,
she'll call me.
31
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:58,547
Our first interview is at 93.7
F.M. with Crazy Ira and The Douche.
32
00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:01,414
Crazy Ira and...
The Douche.
33
00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:04,218
They are Pawnee's most
hilarious drive time radio guys.
34
00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:06,756
So much better than Tubby Tony
and the Papaya. Am I right?
35
00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:08,584
They're
seriously so funny.
36
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:10,157
Is this right?
37
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,822
This feels
almost perfect,
38
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:14,890
but I don't think your core
has maximized elasticity.
39
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:18,431
Okay. I'll come back,
if you guys are being weird.
40
00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:19,529
No, no, no,
no, no.
41
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,575
You're exactly the person that I most
want to talk to, right at this moment.
42
00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:24,206
And lunge.
43
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,472
Have you given my offer
any more thought?
44
00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:29,443
What exactly would happen if I said yes?
45
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:31,440
Well, you would work
at the state house.
46
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:34,018
You would coordinate my
professional and personal schedule,
47
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:37,018
and we would give you a small relocation
fee for your move to Indianapolis.
48
00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:38,554
That sounds boring.
49
00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:41,890
But I have nothing
keeping me here.
50
00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:44,421
Do you have Internet in your office?
Yes.
51
00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:47,388
Fine, I'll do it.
52
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:50,368
That is literally the best
news that I've heard all day.
53
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:53,470
Unlike April,
I still do not know
54
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,508
what my future
holds with Chris.
55
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,534
And it's starting
to bum me out.
56
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:02,340
I need some more vitamin D.
Yeah.
57
00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:06,009
Hey. Crazy. What was
that meeting about?
58
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:08,210
It turns out Chris
is my real dad.
59
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,483
I think you're lying.
60
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:11,922
I think I know what
that meeting was about.
61
00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,549
You can't go
to Indianapolis.
62
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,022
There's got to be
something that I can do
63
00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,823
to convince you how
much I care about you.
64
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:21,359
Tell me your least favorite
things you have to do every day,
65
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:23,368
and I'll do them for a month.
Fine.
66
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,965
If you do everything
I hate for a month,
67
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:28,868
then I might begin to
think about the possibility
68
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:32,442
of thinking about
maybe staying.
69
00:03:32,912 --> 00:03:34,937
That's all I
have to hear.
70
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:37,516
You won't live
to regret this.
71
00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:41,418
Unless Andy
can un-kiss Ann,
72
00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:43,455
then I'm not going
to change my mind.
73
00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:47,153
But if he wants to take my dumb
sister to her dumb dance class,
74
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,991
then I'm not going
to dumb stop him.
75
00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:54,331
Crazy Iraand The Douche, 93.7.
76
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,698
You know why I'd never be an astronaut?
77
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,666
Two words.
Space farts.
78
00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:03,539
You can't roll down the window of
the shuttle. Am I right, folks?
79
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,805
Houston, we have a...
80
00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,573
What do you think about that,
Neil Armstrong?
81
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,807
That's one smallfor man,
82
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,975
one giantfor mankind.
83
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,984
All right.
Switching gears here now.
84
00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:21,015
We've got Leslie Knope and
Tom "Haverfart" and Ben Wyatt.
85
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,528
And they're in the hizzy to
talk about an upcoming event
86
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:25,425
called
the Harvest Festival.
87
00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:27,590
Well, The Douche,
it's a Pawnee tradition,
88
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,965
and it's where fun
meets awesome.
89
00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:32,836
Meets agriculture.
90
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,738
And it is going to be next month,
right here in Pawnee.
91
00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:38,936
And spoiler alert, it's going
to have the best corn maze ever.
92
00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:41,636
You lost your virginity in a corn maze,
didn't you, Douche?
93
00:04:41,714 --> 00:04:42,976
That's right.
To your mom.
94
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:47,475
Crazy Ira!Clean your room!
95
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,245
There's also going to be hay rides.
"Hey, ride me,"
96
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:52,314
is what Crazy Ira's
mom said.
97
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:53,618
Stop it!
98
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,152
China Joe,
you are a poet.
99
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:02,664
My bird is missing.
I need a permit to post signs.
100
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,297
Let me just look
for that form.
101
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:07,771
There's no time!
He can fly!
102
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:09,969
Nine things
April hates to do.
103
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:12,670
Number one,
run the permits desk for an hour.
104
00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:13,734
That's no problem.
105
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,145
I eat "running the permits
desk for an hour" for breakfast.
106
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,508
Ow. That's... Ow.
107
00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:19,846
Henry. Stop it.
Great. Ow.
108
00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:22,346
Okay, Henry.
Cute kid.
109
00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:24,183
Andy.
110
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,457
Got a sec?
Yeah.
111
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,320
Henry.
112
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,963
Why are you working
the permits desk,
113
00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:34,022
and why was that child
clubbing your nuggets?
114
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,864
I'm trying to stop April
from taking a job with Chris,
115
00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:41,236
so I'm doing everything she
hates doing for the next month.
116
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,169
That's going
to work?
117
00:05:43,242 --> 00:05:44,231
She said it might.
118
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,439
But it's all
I've got, man.
119
00:05:48,147 --> 00:05:50,741
Give me the list.
I'll help you.
120
00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,275
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
121
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:57,545
You got it.
122
00:05:57,623 --> 00:05:59,989
No, I don't care about
their relationship.
123
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,459
I just don't want
to lose April.
124
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:06,229
I would never be able to
find a worse assistant.
125
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,432
Okay.
Thanks, Leslie.
126
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:11,026
But you know,
what we really want to do today
127
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:14,631
is have a chat
with Ben Wyatt, here.
128
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,038
Come on, Ben.
Come on, Ben.
129
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,373
I'm more of a
behind-the-scenes kind of guy.
130
00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:20,742
Well, it's either come with
us or get in the spank chair.
131
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:24,044
So, maybe it's time for an interview.
Come on, everybody, give him a hand.
132
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:27,211
Come on!
Come on over, Ben. Yeah.
133
00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:31,620
So, this guy, Ben Wyatt...
We're looking him up on AltaVista.
134
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:36,151
He's from some hick town,
Partridge, Minnesota.
135
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:40,731
And when he's 18,
he's elected mayor.
136
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:50,869
That's funny.
That's funny.
137
00:06:50,943 --> 00:06:53,173
Yeah, he's 18,
becomes the mayor,
138
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,907
and then blows the whole
budget on an ice skating rink.
139
00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,847
City goes bankrupt.
Joke!
140
00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:00,643
Get out of there!
141
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,416
What did you call it again, bro?
What was it called?
142
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:05,414
Say it.
143
00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:06,549
Ice Town.
144
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:13,958
I was a kid.
And when you...
145
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:17,467
You end up getting out
there and there's a...
146
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,902
I really wish you guys could
see this guy right now.
147
00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,872
He is drenched
in sweat.
148
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:24,808
There's also going to be
ponies at the Harvest Festival.
149
00:07:24,877 --> 00:07:27,869
All right.
Let's take a caller from Douche Nation.
150
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,570
All right.
Talk to me, caller.
151
00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,809
What's up, guys?Just douching over here in Eagleton.
152
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:32,908
Sweet.
153
00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:35,715
Seems like 18 is prettyyoung for a mayor.
154
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,085
What were you, like, 12?
155
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:41,288
The funny... When...
156
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,184
I guess...
157
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,365
The fortunate...
158
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,134
Can we just, sort of...
159
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:54,231
Game over, man.Game over.
160
00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:57,838
Nice job, man. Was that your first
time talking to other people?
161
00:07:58,010 --> 00:07:59,238
Because it came
off that way.
162
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:00,776
You embarrassed me in
front of The Douche.
163
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:01,973
I'm sorry,
you guys. I just...
164
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:05,211
I haven't had to deal with
that mayor stuff for 17 years.
165
00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:06,410
I guess I'm not
totally over it.
166
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,647
No worries.
Look, it was just a bump in the road.
167
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,621
Okay.
Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile
168
00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:11,884
is an all-terrain
vehicle.
169
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:14,253
So, everything involving Ben is fine.
170
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,592
I just need to talk to you in
private about something different
171
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,028
that is not
Ben-related.
172
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:20,120
Ben, good job.
173
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,531
Your boy's
a nightmare.
174
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:24,433
I know,
but we need him.
175
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:27,304
If they ask us about the budget,
he's our numbers guy.
176
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,603
Well, we should just slap a pair
of Ray-Bans on a calculator,
177
00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:30,972
because that would be way more charming.
178
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:34,809
I'll do the newspaper interview.
You and Ben do Channel Four.
179
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:37,280
Perd Hapley is a big softie.
It'll be a puff piece.
180
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,339
He can do it.
181
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,112
So,
how are you liking Pawnee?
182
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,580
There area lot of cars.
183
00:08:42,788 --> 00:08:43,982
I mean,not too many.
184
00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:48,549
Trucks and stuff.But, you know...
185
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:53,127
Cool. Good talk,Ice Town. Okay.
186
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,528
Wow. Who knew that watercress,
garbanzo beans and walnuts
187
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,004
could complement
each other so well?
188
00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:02,864
Good dressing,
too, right?
189
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,940
Flaxseed and agave.
Same basic ingredients as bird feed.
190
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,179
I'm just going to come
right out and say it.
191
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,079
I want to define
your bagua.
192
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,481
Okay. What's that?
193
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:17,884
It's a feng
shui term.
194
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,250
The energy in this
house is a little stale.
195
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:25,757
But I think I can redefine your
flow in a very positive way.
196
00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:30,057
Great. I'm not really attached to
the way this stuff is arranged.
197
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,226
Or the stuff itself.
198
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:33,770
Or this house,
even, really.
199
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,363
Great, let's do it.
200
00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:38,368
Am I not
being obvious enough?
201
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:40,002
I feel like
I'm being obvious.
202
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:44,409
This just in. Harvest Festival
more like "Harvest Bestival."
203
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,041
The Parks Department
has planted the seeds,
204
00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,177
and now, they're
harvesting the rewards.
205
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,410
Great. You done?
206
00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:52,787
They'll put the fun in funnel cake.
Okay. Now, I'm done.
207
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,927
Tell me about Ben Wyatt.
Sure.
208
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,016
He works for
the state government,
209
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,960
and he's been coming to
advise us about our budget.
210
00:09:58,064 --> 00:10:01,556
Come on, Leslie.
The Douche blew this story wide open.
211
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,759
Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town
and then comes to Pawnee
212
00:10:03,836 --> 00:10:05,098
to tell us how
to spend our money?
213
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,604
There's no story
here, Shauna.
214
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:09,732
He's just a dedicated civil servant
who is doing whatever he can
215
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,437
to make sure that this is the
best Harvest Festival ever.
216
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,411
And he's easy on the
eyes, too.
217
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:20,078
What exactly is the nature of
your relationship with him?
218
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:21,676
Strictly professional.
Just friends.
219
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,187
So, are you colleagues
or are you friends?
220
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,621
We are colleagues
with benefits.
221
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:31,721
We're colleagues who benefit from
the fact that we're also friends.
222
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,931
I'm sorry, Shauna.
I think I need to go.
223
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,229
But, thank you
so much,
224
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,031
and as always,
everything I said is off the record.
225
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,435
Okay? Bye.
226
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,201
What's the next task?
227
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,767
We have to write
her grandmother
228
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:44,503
a thank you note
for a birthday check.
229
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:47,011
It has to be really good, too,
because it's five months late.
230
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,807
Never written a thank you note before.
This will be fun.
231
00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,311
What does
she call her?
232
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,676
Gamma. No.
Nanna.
233
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:56,547
Or Nana. Gizmo.
Something like that.
234
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:04,593
This is for your Gizmo.
I think you'll find it's pretty good.
235
00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:07,927
"Dear April's grandmother..."
I said grandfather.
236
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:10,691
Oops.
Okay.
237
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:13,000
"You are a beautiful
and amazing woman." Man.
238
00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:15,199
"I hope someday,
I can become half the woman you are."
239
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:16,332
He's a man.
240
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,604
"Thank you for the $500."
It was $5.
241
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,704
"Enjoy the Mouse
Rat CD." He is deaf.
242
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:25,443
Okay. Do you want me to make
those changes, or is it good?
243
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:28,245
Before we do
this next interview,
244
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,220
there's a little secret
I want to let you in on.
245
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,154
It's called
the "Haverford Schmooze."
246
00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:33,953
Look, I was just caught off guard.
I'm fine.
247
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:35,254
Three easy steps.
248
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:40,122
Smile, friendly physical
contact and flattery.
249
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:43,401
"Hey, Perd. Was your dad RoboCop?
Because your arms are guns."
250
00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,434
RoboCop didn't have
guns for arms.
251
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:47,631
Oh, my God.
That's so not the point, you nerd.
252
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,867
Just saying.
253
00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:49,999
Why are we
at a mall?
254
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,603
We're getting you
a new suit.
255
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:53,304
I've let this go on
long enough.
256
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,107
I like this suit.
You shouldn't,
257
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:56,544
because it looks
like garbage.
258
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:59,511
Your suit looks
more like garbage.
259
00:11:59,618 --> 00:12:00,744
Really?
Yeah.
260
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,947
Because Brooks Brothers
Boys doesn't make garbage.
261
00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:06,853
Okay. This next thing is a
photography class assignment.
262
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,052
Can you figure
that out?
263
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:11,085
"Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy."
264
00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:12,892
Melancholy.
Easy.
265
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:15,660
Boom. A sad desk.
266
00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:17,597
Boom. Sad wall.
267
00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:22,270
It's art.
Anything is anything. Right on.
268
00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:24,099
I'm going to go drop this
off and pick up the mail.
269
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,108
Sad floor.
270
00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:28,242
It does look sad,
kind of.
271
00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:31,673
Sorry for stepping
on you, floor.
272
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:38,352
Hey. You got Andy doing
all your work for you?
273
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:41,188
Yes, but he said
he wanted to do it.
274
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,784
I'm only doing it because
I'm getting him back...
275
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,228
Yeah, I don't care.
I got something to add to your list.
276
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,493
Yup. There we go.
277
00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,558
That's the stuff.
278
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,767
April really does
this every day?
279
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,963
Yes. Work the heel.
280
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:56,200
Andy, can
I be next?
281
00:12:57,376 --> 00:12:58,365
Yeah.
282
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,375
I have got a corn so big
you could slap butter on it.
283
00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,482
Welcome to
Ya' Heard? With Perd.
284
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,642
I'm Perd Hapley.
285
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,650
The story of our guests today is that
286
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,813
they are from the Department
of Parks and Recreation.
287
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,580
Ben Wyatt
and Tom Haverford.
288
00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:13,181
What up, Perd?
Big fan.
289
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,426
Me, too, Perd.
What up?
290
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,286
The thing about this first question is,
291
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:20,559
I'd like to ask you
about the Harvest Festival.
292
00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:23,794
Perd, it's going to be amazing.
Carnival rides, games...
293
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:27,231
Sweetums is even building
a plus-sized roller coaster
294
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,467
for some of Pawnee's
obese thrill-seekers.
295
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:31,370
You must be
this wide to ride.
296
00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:33,741
Wow. That's going to be a
pretty big roller coaster.
297
00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:35,404
Yup.
298
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,714
Hey, guys.
How did it go?
299
00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,614
Well, there were
some sticky moments.
300
00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,710
Let's go to
the videotape.
301
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,589
Look. Who hasn'thad gay thoughts?
302
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,191
Who?
- Are you okay?
303
00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:48,487
Yeah, I'm fine.I'm fine.
304
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,927
I mean, you know, sometimes,I feel like I might need glasses.
305
00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:52,324
Is there a birdin here?
306
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:55,663
I swear, I keep seeinga bird in this studio.
307
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:57,258
Maybe that's all there is to it.
How did this happen?
308
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,362
He was fine until Perd started asking
him about the "boy mayor" stuff.
309
00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:02,066
What's wrong with you?
You look psychotic.
310
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:06,373
I was 18 when I was elected mayor.Okay? So, excuse me for that.
311
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:09,241
Cindy Eckert had just turnedme down for senior prom.
312
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:11,681
Do you know how that...I should call her. I should.
313
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,308
No, I shouldn't.And I'm not going to.
314
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,818
And I'm proudof myself for that.
315
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:19,750
And then, he talked about feeling
up Cindy Eckert for the first time
316
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:21,122
for about
five minutes.
317
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:22,449
And then,
the show ended.
318
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,387
As did our careers and, probably,
Harvest Fest.
319
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,534
Boom. Sadness.
That's the one.
320
00:14:33,672 --> 00:14:36,163
Natalie! Hey.
It's me, Andy.
321
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,339
You're an hour
and a half late.
322
00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:41,379
I know. I know.
I had to massage a ton of feet.
323
00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:42,639
Super sorry.
324
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,876
Come on. Get in.
I need to do everything on April's list
325
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,440
or she's not going
to go out with me.
326
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:48,615
You're into April?
327
00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:51,212
Come on.
We'll talk about it in the car.
328
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:52,621
Hold on.
I'll get my books.
329
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,953
Okay.
330
00:14:55,127 --> 00:14:57,027
Okay, great.
Call me.
331
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,493
That should be some damage control.
I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley.
332
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:02,556
Tom, what do
we have?
333
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,293
I've gotten calls from
a dozen businesses
334
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,065
thinking about pulling
their sponsorships.
335
00:15:06,171 --> 00:15:08,605
Sweetums might cancel the Fat-Coaster.
Oh, my God.
336
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,032
Okay, look,
we need to focus.
337
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:11,736
We still have the
Pawnee Today interview.
338
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:13,334
Well, is it too late
to cancel?
339
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:16,480
Yeah. Yeah.
It's too late to cancel.
340
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:18,482
Joan Callamezzo
runs this town.
341
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:21,151
But Ben, don't worry about it.
You're not going in front of the camera.
342
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,209
Fine with me.
343
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:25,055
Are you trying to lure this
young lady into your van?
344
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:26,580
Yeah.
345
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:30,828
But she's being really difficult about
it, and it's actually not my van.
346
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:33,056
I stole it from
a friend of mine.
347
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:36,495
I technically shouldn't
be even driving, because
348
00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,627
my license is
crazy expired.
349
00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:43,468
That's Dwyer. D-W-Y-E-R.
350
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:47,174
Dude! Come on.
I've got to get out of here!
351
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:49,476
Natalie, tell this guy you know me.
352
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:56,480
Joan? I thought you were Jennifer
Aniston filming a movie here.
353
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,391
Joan, let's make
a pact, okay?
354
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:03,084
If we're both still single in an hour,
let's get married.
355
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:05,756
Tom, I'm already married.
That's right. To Seal.
356
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,260
What? I confused you
with Heidi Klum again.
357
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:10,925
See you later, Joan.
That's just...
358
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:14,302
That's how it's done.
- In five, four...
359
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:18,836
Hello, and welcome to Pawnee Today.
I'm Joan Callamezzo.
360
00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:21,479
Today's guest is Leslie Knope,
who is here to tell us
361
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:24,914
how this year's Harvest Festival
is going to bankrupt the city.
362
00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:29,044
Well, Joan, actually, there's a lot
of false information flying around.
363
00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:31,282
The Harvest Festival is...
Jumping right in.
364
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,086
That's rude.
365
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:34,453
I just want
everyone to know
366
00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:36,494
what an extraordinary
event this is going to be.
367
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:38,262
But at what cost?
368
00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:41,430
How many cities does Ben
Wyatt need to destroy
369
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,024
before he's put
behind bars?
370
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,030
Ben Wyatt has done
nothing wrong.
371
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:49,772
You know? If you want to ask him
questions, let's go for it, huh?
372
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,840
Just ask any question
about his past or present.
373
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,468
Just get it over with.
Ben, let's get up here.
374
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:54,534
What?
Yeah. Come on.
375
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,776
We'll just ask him
a bunch of questions,
376
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,840
and then, we'll get everything
cleared and out of the way.
377
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,418
Sound good? Yeah?
Great.
378
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,977
Good. Let's take
some calls, Joan.
379
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:06,018
Why don't you? Okay.
Caller, are you there?
380
00:17:06,458 --> 00:17:08,688
Yeah, how can youjustify raising taxes
381
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,353
for something thatwill hurt the town?
382
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:12,621
I...
383
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,098
For...
384
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:20,060
Just to add to what
Ben's stammering about,
385
00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:21,800
we aren't going
to raise taxes.
386
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:25,605
So, that's that.
Next caller?
387
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:29,947
Do you fish,
April?
388
00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:31,573
No. Fish are gross.
389
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,650
Let me give you a piece
of fishing advice.
390
00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:35,652
I said I don't...
When you have a fish on the line,
391
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,518
you don't just drag it
behind the boat.
392
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:40,587
You either reel it in
or you cut him loose.
393
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:44,393
Especially if he's a nice fish
with a big, lovable fish heart.
394
00:17:44,496 --> 00:17:46,327
You don't know what
you're talking about.
395
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:49,595
Maybe not.
Maybe you really do hate Andy.
396
00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:53,094
Maybe moving to Indianapolis
just to get revenge on him
397
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,662
is a really good idea.
398
00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:57,065
What do I know?
399
00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,575
You are going
to love this.
400
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,082
Verosian tea really supercharges
the bacteria in your colon.
401
00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:12,054
Plus, it smells
interesting. Waft it.
402
00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:16,056
Are we actually ever going to drink it,
or we're just going to sniff it?
403
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,993
I love sniffing.
Don't get me wrong.
404
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:19,724
You are hilarious.
405
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,291
So, you're
leaving soon.
406
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:25,500
Back to Indianapolis
briefly,
407
00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:28,472
and then,
on to a town called Snerling, Indiana,
408
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:29,631
for several months.
409
00:18:29,808 --> 00:18:30,797
Never heard of it.
410
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,468
It's quite small. The cows
outnumber the people forty to one.
411
00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:35,001
It sounds amazing.
412
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:40,851
I like you a lot.
I love spending time with you.
413
00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:43,684
And I thoroughly enjoy you,
Ann Perkins.
414
00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:48,015
I just think we need to talk
about what that means for us.
415
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:49,651
I don't want to be clingy.
No, no, no. Please.
416
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,218
It is something that
we need to figure out,
417
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,230
and we should
do that right now.
418
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,597
I'm so happy
you said that.
419
00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:59,367
Wow, that's disgusting.
420
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,833
Yes, it's very
hard to drink.
421
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,868
Yeah,why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy?
422
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:09,707
Because I'm trusty.
Trust me.
423
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:14,548
I'm trustworthy.
And I am working very hard to...
424
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:18,353
...make sure that this
town gets back on its feet.
425
00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:21,322
Here we go. Okay, great.
Next caller?
426
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,524
So, I looked you up
on AltaVista, and I found out
427
00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:26,359
that the last seven towns you'vegone to ended up bankrupt.
428
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:30,690
Okay. First of all, why does
everyone in this town use AltaVista?
429
00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:35,601
Is it 1997? And second,
I am a budget specialist.
430
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:39,868
I went to those towns because they
were bankrupt, and now, they aren't.
431
00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:42,638
And yeah,
I screwed up when I was 18,
432
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,875
but who doesn't do dumb
stuff when they're 18?
433
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,484
Joan? I stole my gym teacher's husband.
434
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:52,881
So, there you go.
435
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,593
Well. What else
you got, callers?
436
00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:58,455
Going once, going...
Here we go.
437
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:03,197
Yeah, hi. Can you tell me more
about the corn maze at the Harvest Festival?
438
00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,565
Are dogs allowed?
439
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,196
Hello.
Hello.
440
00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:10,802
How did it
go today?
441
00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:12,200
It was super fun.
442
00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:13,606
It was?
Yeah.
443
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,171
You have a list
for tomorrow?
444
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,375
You want to do
this again tomorrow?
445
00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:21,248
Yes, I do. I mean,
it's the deal, right?
446
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,220
I got to do it for a whole month,
and then,
447
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:24,721
you're not going
to move to Indianapolis.
448
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:34,393
I better be the only
person you kissed today.
449
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,226
Yeah, I'm positive
that you are.
450
00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:43,965
If I thought you were serious,I'd be offended, Perd.
451
00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:45,236
But I know thatwe're buddies.
452
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:46,641
And I know you wouldn't do that to me.
453
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:49,510
But, no,this is a birthmark, Perd. Okay?
454
00:20:49,781 --> 00:20:52,841
This is the little scar I got whenI was nine and I fell off my bike.
455
00:20:52,951 --> 00:20:54,748
So, no,I'm not perfect.
456
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,745
I can't look away.
It's amazing.
457
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:59,484
Okay. Wait, wait, wait.
Now, here's the best part.
458
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:03,116
Okay, that's all the time
we have here on Ya' Heard?
459
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,322
I'm Perd Hapley,Channel Four.
460
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,761
More like"Turd Crapley."
461
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,131
Yes. Yes.
Yeah?
462
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,433
Bravo!
Thank you very much.
36339
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