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1
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:04,629
Ron? Jack Cooper,
from the Controller's Office.
2
00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:05,830
Got a second?
3
00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:07,300
Sure, what can I do you for?
4
00:00:07,374 --> 00:00:09,035
Frankly, this is a
little awkward.
5
00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:11,667
We've received this letter
from a collection agency
6
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:14,805
about an outstanding debt from
the Pawnee Public Library.
7
00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:16,473
It appears you have
an overdue book.
8
00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:17,777
Oh, do I?
9
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:22,584
Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis.
10
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,250
Tammy.
11
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:28,418
My ex-wife Tammy likes
to check in every so often
12
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:30,622
and make sure I'm doing okay.
13
00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:34,591
And if I am, she tries to
everything up.
14
00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:37,431
Okay, I pre-dialed 911,
so all you have to do is press send.
15
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:38,869
You're worrying
over nothing.
16
00:00:38,938 --> 00:00:40,735
If she binds your hands and
you can't reach your phone,
17
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:42,399
just try to chew
yourself free.
18
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,136
Whale tail. Whale tail.
19
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:48,908
She's flashing a whale tail.
Abort. Abort.
20
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,142
Hello, Tammy.
21
00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:52,108
Oh!
22
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:54,619
Hello, Ron. I didn't
see you come in.
23
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:57,183
I was just checking
myself for scoliosis.
24
00:00:57,257 --> 00:00:59,122
And?
Straight as an arrow.
25
00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:01,253
Just like somebody
else I know.
26
00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:02,785
Jerky?
27
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,719
Call off the dogs.
28
00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:08,066
You and I both know
that in my entire adult life,
29
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:11,592
I have never checked
a book out of the library.
30
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,867
Oh, my God,
she's amazing.
31
00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:15,530
Ooh!
32
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:17,200
Mmm.
33
00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:19,370
I admit there was a time
when that sort of behavior
34
00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:21,505
would've driven me wild.
35
00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:24,443
But I am in a healthy
relationship now, Tammy.
36
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,677
A relationship? With whom?
37
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:30,780
A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed
pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
38
00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:32,624
Sounds like a real whore.
39
00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:35,691
Clear the late charges
and cut the crap.
40
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:37,388
Good day.
41
00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:40,423
Good day, Leslie.
42
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,661
Good... Good day.
43
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:07,253
Okay, so we're ordering them a total
of 30 pizzas, so let's talk toppings.
44
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,022
Sausage, onion, and peppers.
45
00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:11,256
Scientifically proven to
be the best toppings.
46
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:12,491
Nice.
47
00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:16,057
Should we throw in some salads
for a healthy option?
48
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,797
Wow, don't be
such a Jerry, Ben.
49
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:20,566
Yeah, Ben, these guys
are cops, not ballerinas.
50
00:02:20,673 --> 00:02:21,970
So we are throwing alittle shindig
51
00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,305
for the police department
because we're asking them
52
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,937
to volunteer as security
during the Harvest Festival.
53
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,611
I don't know what it is
about big outdoor gatherings
54
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:33,777
that makes everyone want to
urinate all over everything,
55
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,053
but it does.
56
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:37,855
And they do.
57
00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:40,352
Okay, how about
some calzones?
58
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:43,020
Calzones are like pizzas
but they're harder to eat.
59
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,597
They're dumb, and
so was that idea.
60
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:48,265
Seriously?
This is embarrassing for you.
61
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,859
Sorry to interrupt.
Ron, are you ready?
62
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:52,499
Absolutely, my dear.
63
00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:56,239
I am off to have a mid-morning
pre-lunch with my lady friend,
64
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,004
but I will be back in
time for lunch.
65
00:02:58,077 --> 00:02:59,101
All right.
66
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:01,540
Ron's girlfriend's pretty.
67
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,210
Tom's ex-wife.
68
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,109
Oh.
69
00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:11,682
I don't want to see them together.
It's like they're rubbing it in my face.
70
00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:15,285
All I can think about is Captain
Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
71
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,023
And you imagine he's wearing
a cape while he's plowing her?
72
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,155
What?
73
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:20,665
No, just, Captain Mustache?
74
00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:23,065
I mean, if all you can
think of is Ron, you know...
75
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,934
Maybe put him in some tights and a cape,
and then it would be funny.
76
00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:28,798
Now I'm imagining a cape.
77
00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:31,534
April?
78
00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:34,510
Did you call me?
79
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,139
I did call you.
Good ears.
80
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:39,746
Chris's assistant went
back to Indianapolis,
81
00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:43,220
so he's borrowing
me for a few days.
82
00:03:43,923 --> 00:03:44,947
Yay!
83
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:48,460
I'd like you to get me some more Post-its.
I'd like them in multiple colors.
84
00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:49,893
I'd like green.
I'd like yellow.
85
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,328
Do not buy orange.
86
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,528
I do not want orange.
I have plenty of orange.
87
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,924
Got it.
88
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:56,832
You want five million
orange Post-its.
89
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:58,461
That's hilarious.
90
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:03,602
Oh, wait! I have a
Post-it for you.
91
00:04:05,511 --> 00:04:06,535
It says, "Great job!"
92
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,004
Mmm...
93
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,070
Great job.
Mmm...
94
00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:10,540
There you go.
95
00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:18,022
They're getting really old,
and I'm an only child.
96
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:22,658
I just feel like the right thing
to do is to move back home.
97
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,659
I'm sorry to see you go.
98
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,425
I've really come to
think of you as
99
00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:32,770
a companion.
100
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:38,905
Hey, I don't suppose you'd
want to move to Canada?
101
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:43,839
Canada.
102
00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:47,618
No, I don't suppose
I would.
103
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:50,481
Hey, I hate to nag,
104
00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:51,989
but shouldn't we
be talking strategy,
105
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:55,585
like, when to ask the chief
for this huge critical favor?
106
00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:57,720
Yes. I know exactly
when we should do it.
107
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,823
Post-pizza, pre-ice cream,
between his third and fourth beer.
108
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,925
He'll be full but not stuffed,
tipsy but not drunk.
109
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,026
Should be around 9:00.
110
00:05:04,103 --> 00:05:06,162
Okay, so you've
thought this through.
111
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:08,503
Just sit tight.
I'll get you a beer.
112
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:11,771
Can I have
two beers, please?
113
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:13,937
Hey, you okay?
114
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:16,247
Wendy and I are over.
115
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,783
She's moving
back to Canada.
116
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:19,679
It's too bad.
117
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:22,312
I just taught her
how to whittle.
118
00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:25,981
She made me this tiny
sharpened stick.
119
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,391
Look, I'm gonna tell you what
I tell all my girlfriends
120
00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:30,326
when they get dumped.
121
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:31,886
Men are dogs.
122
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,165
Thank you, Leslie.
123
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:37,065
That does not apply to
this situation at all.
124
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,161
But thank you.
I appreciate it.
125
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:40,900
This is a disaster.
126
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,264
You're not into football?
127
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:46,140
I knew there was something
wrong with you.
128
00:05:46,245 --> 00:05:47,769
I knew it. I knew it,
knew it, knew it.
129
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:50,610
Honestly, I haven't felt
this good in years.
130
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:53,578
And it's not just because of
the supplements he has me taking
131
00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:56,486
and the soluble fiber and
the increase in regularity.
132
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:57,614
It's him.
133
00:05:57,724 --> 00:06:02,161
He's moving back to Indianapolis
in a couple of weeks, which sucks.
134
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:04,957
But if he asked me
to move with him,
135
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:07,194
I think I would.
136
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,234
I would like
a local beer.
137
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:10,461
I'd like it
in a bottle.
138
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,003
I'd like the bottle
to be cold.
139
00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:14,403
I would like a glass
of white wine.
140
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:16,101
I would like it to
be chardonnay.
141
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:17,369
And I would like that
with one ice cube.
142
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:18,734
Thanks.
143
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,545
Chief Trumple?
Hey, Knope.
144
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:25,208
You know Ben Wyatt
from the State Budget Office.
145
00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:26,478
Hello.
Yeah, how's it going?
146
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:27,985
Thanks for the party.
Good pizza.
147
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,148
Great. So, yeah,
the pizza's dynamite, isn't it?
148
00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,214
I just said
it was good pizza.
149
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:35,391
It's good. Pizza's good.
150
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:36,886
You...
151
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,725
You know what
I like? Calzones.
152
00:06:42,034 --> 00:06:43,194
What the hell is
wrong with this guy?
153
00:06:43,302 --> 00:06:44,929
Sorry. We'll check in
with you later.
154
00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:46,966
Take it easy.
Yeah, will do.
155
00:06:47,039 --> 00:06:49,200
What is wrong with you?
I was getting somewhere with that.
156
00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:51,140
Yeah, great small talk over there.
Okay, let me handle this.
157
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,007
I get a little nervous with cops.
I'm in control.
158
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,479
What's up?
159
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,907
Tom Haverford's in
the building.
160
00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,008
Whoo!
161
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,780
Tom, what the hell
are you doing?
162
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:03,048
Same thing you're doing,
celebrating Pawnee's finest.
163
00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:04,885
I believe you know
my date, Tammy Swanson.
164
00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:05,981
Hi-ya, Ron.
165
00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:08,550
Oh. Hi-ya, Ron.
Hey, Ron.
166
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:09,718
I'm sorry.
167
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:13,663
Is seeing your ex-wife on my
arm making you uncomfortable?
168
00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:16,531
Gee, I can't imagine
why. Or can I?
169
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,766
I like this song.
Do you wanna dance, Tammy?
170
00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:19,827
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
171
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,229
Oh. Ah.
172
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,640
I know Tammy seems scary.
173
00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:27,338
But really, she's just
a manipulative, psychotic,
174
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:30,246
library-book-peddling,
sex-crazed she-demon.
175
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,281
Yeah.
176
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:35,877
I think that's enough.
Tammy.
177
00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:38,251
Hi, Ron.
178
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:41,293
I was just tasting my new
boyfriend, Glenn. Tom.
179
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,157
You don't know what
you're mixed up in, son.
180
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,459
This isn't about you.
It's about me.
181
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:48,125
Typical Ron Swanson.
Always thinking about yourself.
182
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,863
Maybe we like each other.
Yeah, maybe we do.
183
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,637
Okay. Let's
take it easy.
184
00:07:54,707 --> 00:07:57,073
Tammy, leave him
out of this.
185
00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:00,044
So it's okay for you to have a girlfriend,
but I'm not supposed to see anybody?
186
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:01,238
Damn it, woman!
187
00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:03,440
Just crawl back into the
dank hole you came from
188
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:04,813
and leave my friends alone.
189
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:07,276
Okay, okay. Let's settle down.
What seems to be the problem?
190
00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:08,978
What seems to be the problem?
Is there a problem here?
191
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:11,580
Basically what we had here was
a dispute of a domestic nature.
192
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,090
White male, 40, 45.
193
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,320
Caucasian male.
Stocky build.
194
00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:16,827
Approximately 5'10".
195
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,524
Verbal altercation transpired
at approximately 8:55 P.M.
196
00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:20,759
with a female unsub.
197
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,425
Appears to be
slightly intoxicated.
198
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,436
Claims to be an ex-spouse.
199
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,766
Real piece of work.
200
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,271
Real piece of work.
Real piece of work.
201
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,830
Real piece of work.
202
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,502
I know why you're doing this,
and you're making a huge mistake.
203
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:34,375
Fight fire with fire, Leslie.
He dates my ex, I date his.
204
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:37,939
Ron and Wendy aren't even dating
anymore. She's moving back to Canada.
205
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,678
What?
Oh, God.
206
00:08:39,752 --> 00:08:40,912
Okay, hey. What's
happening here?
207
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:44,753
Ron and I are going to get a cup
of coffee and talk things out.
208
00:08:44,824 --> 00:08:49,227
It's time for Tammy and me to
bury the hatchet once and for all.
209
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,394
Everything will be fine.
210
00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:00,001
It's been like this
for hours.
211
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:02,765
Right there.
Right there. Yeah. Yeah.
212
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,275
Hey, Swanson!
213
00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:06,502
Snap out of it!
214
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:08,135
Leslie.
215
00:09:08,814 --> 00:09:10,042
Congratulate us.
216
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,716
Ron's got one just
like it on his penis.
217
00:09:14,253 --> 00:09:15,618
Oh, yeah.
218
00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:17,315
What the hell
happened to you?
219
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:19,683
Well...
220
00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:30,527
Here you go.
221
00:09:32,705 --> 00:09:34,900
Rock and roll!
Yeah, baby!
222
00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:36,168
I got it!
223
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,470
You may now
kiss the bride.
224
00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:50,250
It's been kind of
a crazy night.
225
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:51,683
Come back,
come back.
226
00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:55,722
April, could you come
in here a second?
227
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:58,756
April, way to come in.
Great initiative.
228
00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:00,355
You called me in.
229
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,230
Listen, could you please
call Ann Perkins
230
00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:04,667
and tell her that I will be unable
to enjoy lunch with her today,
231
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:07,103
as I am just swamped.
All day.
232
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,236
Copy that.
233
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,635
Hi, Ann. This is April.
234
00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:16,808
I'm just calling to let you know
that Chris can't make lunch today.
235
00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:19,214
I knew you wouldn't care.
Good-bye.
236
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:23,019
They started having sex at the
court house. We had no choice.
237
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,852
Oh, well, I completely
understand.
238
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:27,223
Chief, I need to ask
you a huge favor.
239
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,317
Leslie.
240
00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:29,918
Ron is a good man
241
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,156
who just got caught up
in something terrible.
242
00:10:32,231 --> 00:10:33,994
And I was hoping that
maybe you would
243
00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:36,694
reduce his charges and
release him into my custody.
244
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,068
All right.
245
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,500
But keep him away from
that crazy librarian.
246
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:42,768
I'll do my best.
247
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:45,811
In fact, I don't want him
within 500 feet of the library.
248
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:48,006
That's good advice
for all of us.
249
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,104
Nothing but trouble there.
250
00:10:49,181 --> 00:10:51,945
Thanks a lot, bro. Sorry.
Hey, stop.
251
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,355
Take me back to Tammy.
For the millionth time, no.
252
00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:00,585
That was not the favor
we needed to ask for, Leslie.
253
00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:03,059
If we don't get the police
for the Harvest Festival,
254
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,527
there is no Harvest Festival.
255
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,394
I know. I'll figure
it out later.
256
00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:08,763
Can you turn the radio off?
This is our song.
257
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:12,266
Your song is Dancing on the
Ceiling by Lionel Richie?
258
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:17,006
Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved off
part of your mustache. That's lovely.
259
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:20,011
I didn't shave it off.
It rubbed off.
260
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,010
From friction.
261
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:23,070
Ugh.
262
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:25,447
Ugh.
Ugh.
263
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,880
Ron Swanson, this
is an intervention.
264
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:32,754
You have been spending the last 24 hours
sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy.
265
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:35,350
Well, the people in this
room are your methadone.
266
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:36,861
And we're here
to get you clean.
267
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:38,988
Congratulations!
268
00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:42,657
Holy matrimony, there's
the man of the hour.
269
00:11:42,935 --> 00:11:44,835
Jerry, what is this?
270
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:47,464
That is the set of tumblers
that I got from the registry.
271
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,871
This is an intervention.
272
00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:51,876
I thought you said on the
phone it was a reception.
273
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:53,969
Okay. All right,
let's begin.
274
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,844
I would like to address
the goofy-Iooking,
275
00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:59,976
dirty-kimono-wearing,
corn-rowed clown in the room.
276
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:04,421
If you see Ron Swanson,
can you give him this message?
277
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:07,151
You used to be a man.
278
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:08,955
You need to get your
house in order.
279
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,159
Look, I love you
like a brother,
280
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,859
but right now, I hate you like
my actual brother, LeVondrious,
281
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:15,992
who I hate.
282
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:18,260
Okay, Tom.
283
00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:20,131
Ron, you look great.
284
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:22,231
Your skin is glowing.
I've never seen you so happy.
285
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,502
Okay, sit down.
286
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:25,801
Andy.
287
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:31,879
Ron, I do not really understand
what is going on right now.
288
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:35,916
But no matter what,
289
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,683
you must keep going.
290
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,885
No.
291
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,360
You must stop.
292
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,722
I love you, buddy.
293
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:47,760
Follow your dreams.
294
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:50,626
Powerful stuff.
295
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,797
April? What are
you doing here?
296
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:58,774
I work for your boyfriend.
What are you doing here?
297
00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:01,469
I came to see why Chris
stood me up for lunch,
298
00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:02,878
but I think I just
figured it out.
299
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,644
Because he doesn't like you.
No, I'm pretty sure that's not it.
300
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,949
Actually it's because I
didn't call you deliberately.
301
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:11,319
Which, if you ask me,
is a fire-able offense.
302
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,652
So I would tell him that.
303
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:15,317
Also, he's not into
you sexually.
304
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:20,722
Ann Perkins. April Ludgate. Literally
two of my favorite people on earth.
305
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,798
I'm sorry that I had
to cancel lunch.
306
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,392
Not at all. It's
not a problem.
307
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:28,804
April here was very apologetic on
the phone. She also sent me flowers.
308
00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:31,409
April. Nice touch.
309
00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:37,444
Hello, Ron. It's Ron.
310
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:41,182
If you're watching this,it means that once again
311
00:13:41,253 --> 00:13:43,118
you have dancedwith the devil.
312
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:48,425
Right now, you're probably thinking,"Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together."
313
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:52,019
But you're only thinking thatbecause she's a monstrous parasite
314
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:56,628
who entered through your privatesand lodged herself in your brain.
315
00:13:57,069 --> 00:13:58,593
So you have two choices.
316
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,929
One, get rid of Tammy,
317
00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:04,333
or two, lobotomyand castration.
318
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:06,170
Choose wisely.
319
00:14:06,712 --> 00:14:08,270
You stupid.
320
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,612
This is a waste of time.
321
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:14,878
You people have no idea
what you're talking about.
322
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,152
That was you on the tape.
That was you talking.
323
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,085
Ron? Ron!
324
00:14:20,159 --> 00:14:23,458
Ron. There you are.
325
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:28,933
Ron. Stop it. God, please.
326
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:31,697
Ron, don't do that.
Oh, it's done, Leslie.
327
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:36,235
Tammy and I are in love,
and we're gonna start a family together.
328
00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:38,367
In fact, she's ovulating.
329
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:41,902
So if you'll excuse us,
we're heading off on our honeymoon.
330
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:44,609
Wow. Where are you going?
Jerry.
331
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:48,151
We're gonna spend 11 days
in my cabin in the woods.
332
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,850
We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a
40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.
333
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,255
Oh, God.
- Give me it.
334
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,520
Okay. Excuse me.
335
00:14:59,331 --> 00:15:01,299
Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
336
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:04,734
Ann and I are headed out
337
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:07,738
and I just wanted to thank you
for everything today,
338
00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:09,103
and I will see you tomorrow.
339
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:11,371
Hi, Chris.
340
00:15:11,877 --> 00:15:16,109
Ron Swanson has sent me over to
deliver to you this document.
341
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,777
"To whom it may concern,
dear Chris,
342
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,985
"there is an emergency
regarding the Parks Department,
343
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:26,024
"and April may just be
the only person who can help.
344
00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:30,058
"I can't get into details
because it's super-classified.
345
00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:32,029
"Please release April
back to us permanently.
346
00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:33,989
"God bless America.
347
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,362
"Love, Bert Macklin, FBI."
348
00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:41,131
What?
Okay. Well, bye.
349
00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:42,434
April, listen.
350
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:45,442
If you don't want to work for me,
I'm not gonna force you.
351
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:47,001
You didn't have
to do this.
352
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:48,103
She didn't do that.
That was...
353
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:49,841
Dude, I think it sounds
like it was Macklin's call.
354
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:51,476
Look, I get it.
355
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,681
You're young,
and trying isn't cool.
356
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:55,979
But I think
you're smart.
357
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,714
I'm gonna be going back
to Indianapolis soon,
358
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,225
and I think you should
come work for me.
359
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,188
Wow, move all the
way to Indianapolis,
360
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:06,754
so I can pick up your
vitamins and supplements.
361
00:16:07,499 --> 00:16:08,830
Everybody starts somewhere.
362
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:12,359
You'll travel,
and you will meet interesting people.
363
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,298
Think about it.
364
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,402
Okay. I will.
365
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:21,912
Apparently he wants April to
move to Indianapolis with him.
366
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:24,640
So that's something.
367
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:29,012
I hope you're happy.
368
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:32,553
Look, I just wanted to
show him what it felt like
369
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:35,252
to have your ex-wife
date someone you know.
370
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:37,591
Whatever happened after
that is not my fault.
371
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:38,755
Yes, it is.
372
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:42,790
Tom, you did a really crappy thing,
and I think deep down, you know that.
373
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:46,204
Whatever happens to
Ron Swanson is on you.
374
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:54,937
Excuse me, chief.
Sorry to interrupt.
375
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,504
Hey, calzone boy, what's up?
376
00:16:57,583 --> 00:17:00,916
Well, here's hoping that that
nickname doesn't stick. Right?
377
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:05,619
But that's not
why I'm here.
378
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:08,726
Leslie Knope asked you
for a favor the other day,
379
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:10,284
but the real favor we
need is much bigger.
380
00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,855
You mean, like
calzone size?
381
00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:13,987
Ah!
382
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,590
Sure.
383
00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:19,495
We need the Pawnee police
force to volunteer as security
384
00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:22,005
during the upcoming
Harvest Festival.
385
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:23,974
Now, the city won't let us
throw the festival unless...
386
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,601
Say no more.
387
00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:28,043
Just send me a schedule of how
many officers you need and when.
388
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,242
Really? Just like that?
389
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:32,806
Leslie Knope gets as
many favors as she needs.
390
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:34,778
Can I ask why?
391
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:38,948
Because she's the kind of a person
who uses favors to help other people.
392
00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:42,591
And also, my buddy Dave was the
crankiest bastard in the department
393
00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:43,685
till he started dating Leslie.
394
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:45,925
So she...
395
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,193
Okay. Are they
still dating or...
396
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,771
No. Moved to
San Diego a year ago.
397
00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:56,106
Was it a serious thing, or...
398
00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:59,969
What do you care? You a pervert?
Nope, nope. I'm all good.
399
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:02,674
Everything's fine.
This is fine.
400
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:07,312
Don't think I won't do it.
I'll wear this to work.
401
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:12,086
All right, one more.
What's in here, huh?
402
00:18:13,525 --> 00:18:15,254
A new library card?
403
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:18,421
Read the name.
"Tammy Swanson Swanson."
404
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:21,325
You guys, that's amazing.
405
00:18:23,802 --> 00:18:25,667
Well, you about ready
to go, my love?
406
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,864
Yeah.
Wait, wait, Ron! Stop!
407
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,601
Tom?
Jerry, what the hell?
408
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:32,407
Don't do it.
She doesn't love you.
409
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,377
You don't know what you're talking
about. What are you doing here?
410
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,574
Yes, I do, okay?
411
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,216
When I asked her to be my date,
she cackled for a full minute
412
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,253
and said, and I quote,
413
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,253
"Anything to make
Ron miserable."
414
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,584
It's not real, man.
She's just messing with you.
415
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:51,254
He's lying, Ron.
Stay out of this, Glenn.
416
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,195
It's Tom! And I'm not lying.
417
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,524
I'm not gonna let you destroy Ron.
You're just gonna have to...
418
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:56,690
Ow!
419
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:57,791
Ow!
420
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,901
He's attacking me,
Ron! Kill him!
421
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,242
Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn!
422
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:13,807
You're gonna have to
do better than that.
423
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,253
Why are you hitting yourself,
Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.
424
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:22,088
Tammy, that's enough!
425
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,253
What?
426
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,060
Hey, baby.
427
00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:27,326
You almost had me.
428
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:29,495
Again.
429
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:33,501
But seeing you pick on this pathetic,
defenseless little man...
430
00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:34,629
Hey.
431
00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:36,333
...reminded me what
kind of a monster you are.
432
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,032
You're a joke.
433
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:40,010
You're not even
a man anymore.
434
00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:43,912
Oh, and by the way, last night,
I faked four out of the seven.
435
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:46,912
So did I.
436
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:48,945
Let's go, son.
437
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,355
Hey.
Hey.
438
00:19:57,429 --> 00:19:58,691
Sorry about the whole mess.
439
00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:02,528
The crisis has been averted,
so let's go talk to the chief.
440
00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:03,761
I already talked to him.
441
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,666
They'll give us the hours
we need, no problem.
442
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,305
Great.
What a relief. Yeah.
443
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:12,710
Hey, are you hungry?
I haven't eaten. You know, yeah.
444
00:20:12,811 --> 00:20:15,712
There's a really great calzone
place over in "Idiotville."
445
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,874
Oh, really?
Down on "Terrible Idea Avenue."
446
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,008
Okay. That's weird.
447
00:20:19,084 --> 00:20:21,985
'Cause I thought it was on"
Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard."
448
00:20:23,589 --> 00:20:24,920
Calzones are pointless.
449
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,057
They're just pizza
that's harder to eat.
450
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,391
No one likes them.
451
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:30,686
Good day, sir.
452
00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:32,893
Leslie, I...
You know, I...
453
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:35,364
I'm just kidding.
Let's go.
454
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,664
Okay. That was funny.
455
00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:43,567
High and tight.
456
00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:46,775
Do you think it's
gonna leave a scar?
457
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:48,511
Tom, women like scars.
458
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,305
Shows you survived
an attack,
459
00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:53,349
and they'll assume
the attack was from a man.
460
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:56,447
Sorry, Ron,
about everything.
461
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:01,184
To true love. May
we both find it.
462
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,989
I'll drink to that.
463
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:05,954
Nice glasses.
464
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,762
Wedding present from Jerry.
465
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,089
You're not gonna
return them?
466
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,263
Nah, too much hassle.
34662
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