All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S02E08 - Ron and Tammy (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

"Thank you, Old Gus,
for brightening our lives,

"our hearts, and most
importantly, our shoes."

This truly is a day
of mixed emotions for me.

I'm sad that Old Gus
is leaving,

but it allows me to help
Andy restart his life

as Pioneer Hall's
new shoeshine guy.

Well, I've been listening to your
boring speeches for the last 50 years,

and now it's time for you
to listen to one of mine.

You know, a day like this makes
a man reflect upon his life,

and I've come to the conclusion
that I've completely wasted mine.

And just for the record, I never
ever liked being called "Old Gus."

I didn't understand it when I was
in my 20s, and I sure hate it now.

So go to hell,
every single one of you.

Screw Pawnee,
and screw your damn shoes.

Oh, God.
That's classic.

So, I propose that we
change our name from

the Sub-committee
for Pit Beautification

to the Sub-committee
for Lot Beautification.

April, stop that.
Who are you texting?

You.

Aw.

She's texting me.

I'm sorry you're bored.

Uh, hey, everyone.
Oh, hey, Ann.

Leslie, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Fine. Tom, you're in charge.

Keep the momentum going.
Keep these minds working.

Absolutely, chief. Okay.

Would you rather be able to
fly, or speak fluent French?

- Donna, go.
- French.

I don't wanna freak you out,

but another department filed
a planning claim for Lot 48.

Who?

- No.
- Yeah.

Damn it. The library?

Pawnee's library
department is the most diabolical,

ruthless bunch of
bureaucrats I've ever seen.

They're like a biker gang,

but instead of shotguns and crystal meth,
they use political savvy and shushing.

It's gonna be okay.
It's not a done deal.

Yeah, you're right.
Thanks for pulling me out of there.

I need a good plan though.
I don't want to cause a panic.

News flash, we're screwed.
We got a big problem with the library.

Punk-ass book jockeys.

Wait. Why do we
hate the library?

The library is the worst group of
people ever assembled in history.

They're mean, conniving, rude,
and extremely well read,

which makes them
very dangerous.

And they're trying to steal
Lot 48 for a new branch.

- What?
- Get out of here.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- On 48?

I actually think a library would
be nice that close to my house.

- Let's bring the library down.
- Yeah.

But I'm not about
to say that in there.

- A new branch?
- Jerks.

- You're kidding.
- Oh, I hate them.

Okay. We need to make
contact with someone there.

Does anybody know anybody
that works at the library?

Well, we actually kind of do.

The new Deputy Director of the
department is Tammy Swanson.

Ron's ex-wife?
That's terrific.

Or is that awful?
I mean, he hates her, but he knows her.

Everything's okay.
Or is it just the same?

Leslie, you're thinking
out loud again.

Am I? I am.

Of course. That bitch of an ex-wife
is working for the library now.

That is perfect.

The worst person in the world working
at the worst place in the world.

I have to go talk to her.
And you got to give me something I can use.

Does she have any weaknesses?

No.

What do you mean, no?
Everybody has a weakness.

Not machines.

I honestly believe that she was
programmed by someone from the future

to come back and destroy
all happiness.

I see. I knew that you had
two ex-wives named Tammy,

so I was hoping that there was one
that you got along with and...

Nope. I hate them both.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to
have my ex-wives rushed to my side,

so I can use my dying breath to tell
them both to go to hell one last time.

Would I get married again?
Oh, absolutely.

If you don't believe in love,
what's the point of living?

I'm just looking forward
to a thoughtful debate with Tammy

about the relative merits
of parks versus libraries.

And in case something bad goes
down, I wore my sharpest rings.

This one will tear you up.

Hello? Hi.

I'm Leslie Knope.
I called a little while ago.

You have a lot of nerve
showing your face here.

Excuse me?

You have overdue book
fees totaling $3, missy.

That is so typical.
I should have known you'd use a low blow,

dirty pool BS move like that.
- No...

That's why everybody
hates the library.

Here. You know what?
Here's your $3.

- Leslie, no...
- And I'll see you in hell.

Leslie, Leslie, Leslie.
I'm just kidding.

My gosh, I mean, you did have $3
worth of fines, but I cleared them.

We government gals have to watch
each other's backs, right?

I know this is a trap.
But I don't know how.

Okay. Did you talk to Ron?

Ron tends to exaggerate
when it comes to me.

I swear I don't
have cloven feet.

Please. Sit down.

Shine, shine, shine your shoes.

What do you say, sir? Ma'am? Shoeshine?
I won't look up your skirt.

Ann. Whoa. Oh, my gosh.

Crazy. What are you doing?
It's me. It's Andy.

Hi, Andy.

So, Ann, how you been?

Good. Yeah, Leslie told me
you were working here now.

Yeah, I just joined the rat race.
Chasing the cheese.

Racing the rats,
trying to get the cheese.

Enough technical business talk.
You look ravishing.

Not a lot of customers, huh?

Yeah, business
is a little slow.

It is definitely
due to the economy.

I've been hearing a lot of people say
that a lot about a lot of stuff.

Whoa, Mark. You want
those shoes shined?

I'll give you a discount because
you're a friend of Ann's.

Well, I'm more than
a friend of Ann's.

Not for long.

Sorry?

I don't know.
At least he finally has a real job.

When we were dating,
the only job he had

was sending audition tapes to
Survivor and Deal or No Deal.

Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer,

and I would be a perfect contestant
for Deal or No Deal.

I want it to be a perfect park

with a state-of-the-art
swing set,

and basketball courts,
and off to the side,

a lovely sitting area for kids with
asthma to watch other kids play.

Wow. If I'd had a park like
that when I was growing up,

I probably wouldn't have gone through
such a prolonged mall-slut phase.

Well, that's the goal, Tammy.

Listen, you guys
got there first.

I'm gonna withdraw
my request for the lot,

as a professional
courtesy to you.

Government gals, right?

Government gals.

So you talked to Tammy?

What's it like to stare into
the eye of Satan's butthole?

She's changed, Ron.
She's a different person.

I think it would be healthy for
you to get a sense of closure.

Look at Mark and me.
We slept together.

We talked about it,
we're still friends.

You slept with Brendanawicz?

No.

Look, Tammy and I don't work.
We are oil and water.

Or oil, and TNT, and C-4, and a
detonator, and a butane torch.

Nothing good will come...

Wait.

She's here, isn't she?

Hi, Ron.

Tammy.

Good. Good start.

I'm sorry about this, but I
just really wanna talk to you.

Couldn't we go
have a cup of coffee?

Let's get this over with.

Thanks, Ron. It means a lot.

You're a miracle worker.

Oh.

- Do you know what you just did?
- Yes, Donna.

I got two people to put
aside years of hostility

and open a door to the
possibility of friendship.

You were not here when Ron and
Tammy got divorced. I was.

Those two are crazy.

Yeah. And you just opened
the gates to Crazytown.

Frankly, I think Ron was acting
like a baby, a little bit.

I mean, what is he afraid of?
Tammy's just a woman.

A nice woman.
You know, she's not a murderer.

She's not a dragon.

It's really good
to see you, Ron.

You've aged horribly.

You son of a bitch.

- That didn't take long.
- Oh, my God.

What is your problem?
Nothing's changed, has it?

- Who set the bed on fire, huh?
- Excuse me, folks.

I did. Okay?
Is that what you wanna hear?

- Please, folks.
- We're fine. We're fine.

- Okay. I'm so sorry.
- Please.

Fine. Take it easy.
Oh, my God.

When you meddle
in someone's personal life,

it's just so rewarding.

Oh, God, yes. Oh, God.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

Sir. Ma'am.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes.
Baby. Gun it.

The usual place.

Have Gun Will Travel
reads the card of a man

A knight without
armor in a savage land

Good morning, Jerry.
That is a beautiful sweater vest.

April. You look like you could use $20.
Am I right?

Why?

'Cause you're a kid,
and kids always need money.

I need money.

Ha! That's why
you're my favorite, Tom.

When Tiger Woods
feels invincible,

he wears a red shirt
and black pants.

Good morning, Deputy.

Ron wears the same thing
after he's had sex.

I'm a simple man.

I like pretty, dark-haired
women and breakfast food.

But this stock photo I bought
at a framing store isn't real.

Today, I got the real thing.

A naked Tammy made me
breakfast this morning.

I should have
taken a picture of it.

- Hey, Tom.
- What's up?

My girlfriend's ex is working
100 feet away from my desk,

and he's been pretty clear
about wanting her back.

What do I do with that?

Mmm. That's a tough one.

You should break up with her,
and tell her to go out with me.

That's good.
Can I ask you another question?

Why did I come
to you for advice?

Okay. I think you should
play this one cool, man.

Be the grown-up.
Take the high road.

Yeah.

Ann's a classy chick.

If you get down in the mud, you're
just gonna lose her respect.

You've just made a surprising
amount of sense, Tom. Thank you.

I've never taken the high road.
But I tell other people to.

'Cause then there's more
room for me on the low road.

So, how did your
coffee with Tammy go?

Leslie, I can't
thank you enough

for sticking your nose
where it didn't belong.

I knew it. So what did you
guys talk about? Old times?

Oh, I love talking about old times.
New times are great, too,

but there's just something about
old times, you know what I mean?

We didn't talk.
We made love.

Oh, my. Mmm. Good.

Well, spare me the details.
I'm just happy.

It was so intense,
I didn't know

where my flesh
stopped and hers began.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Our marriage was always a complete
disaster, but we did have that.

The two of us. It's like doing peyote
and sneezing, slowly, for six hours.

This seems like a private
matter, but I'm so...

That woman really knows
her way around a penis.

Okay. Well, I'm happy that it went
well and that you enjoyed your coffee.

I truly believe that everyone
should be friends with their exes.

I can't even tell you how many of
my exes' weddings I've been to.

They're reading
their old divorce papers.

"Three fistfuls of hair."
That's not even possible.

Well, I'm too classy to say
"I told you so," Donna.

So I wrote it on a Post-it.

Leslie.

Why don't you take
the rest of the day off?

I mean, you spend so much time
worrying about this park,

but really, who cares?

I care.
I care a lot.

It's kind of my thing,
remember?

But at the end of the day,
what does it matter

if the lot becomes a park,
or a museum, or a megachurch?

Or a library.

Nobody said "library."

Ron, have you been talking
to Tammy about the lot?

No.

I swear on a grave.

Oh, my God.
Ron, tell me the truth.

Are you giving her the lot?

Not giving.

We have discussed a trade.

For what?

More...

Excuse me?

More sex.

Ugh!

Tammy, can I speak
with you for a second?

I know what you're doing.
You don't care about Ron.

You're just using him to get
Lot 48 for your library.

Leslie, that's crazy.
And correct.

Why are you doing this?

Les, there are two kinds
of women in this world.

There are women who work hard and
stress out about doing the right thing.

And then there are
women who are cool.

You could either be a Cleopatra or
you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt.

I'd rather be Cleopatra.

What kind of lunatic would wanna be
Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?

Haven't you ever
messed with a man's head

just to see what you could
get him to do for you?

We do it all the time
in the Library Department.

You should come
join us sometime.

I would never work
at the Library Department.

I'm gonna tell Ron
what you just said,

and this little game that you're
playing is gonna be over.

Okeydoke.

Yeah, you better run.

We're no longer
government gals.

Look, we need to talk.

Ron, no.

The Planning Department
Re-prioritization Document?

Calm down,
I haven't signed it yet.

Yeah, well, you're going to.

Because Tammy wants you to, and
you do everything that she wants.

She made some really good
points about libraries.

Are you even
listening to yourself?

You're defending
the library now?

Ron, the library?

Of all the horrifying,
miserable things in the world?

Some people like libraries.

I can't even
believe what I'm hearing.

"Some people like libraries."
Ron, she's in your head.

You said that she was a manipulative
monster, and you were right.

No. No. Tammy's changed.

Look me in the eye and tell
me that she's changed.

Look me in the eye.

I'm so screwed, Knope.

- Her hooks are in my brain.
- Yep.

She has all the power
and I have nothing.

I'm so little.

Why don't you just
break up with her?

I don't think I can.

We would just end up naked,

and I'd give her your lot, and my
house, and God knows what else.

I have no control
over my actions.

It's like she's
crawled up inside of me.

Oh, God, Ron, I don't wanna hear
about your disgusting sex anymore.

Okay? Now sack up.

You are Ron freaking Swanson.

Not around her, I'm not.

It took years of intense,
focused hatred to get over her,

and now I've undone
all that great work.

You've got to help
me break up with her.

I don't think I should
get involved in this.

Oh, now you don't
wanna get involved?

"It's just coffee, Ron."
"She's changed, Ron."

"I let Mark nail me
and we're still friends."

Okay. I would
never use those words.

I never said...
Point taken.

Let's go dump your ex.

Thank you.

So, would you like to be in the
room when I tell her it's over,

or would you
rather wait outside?

In the room.
I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.

Here're the ground rules.
Don't talk to her.

Do not make eye
contact with her.

Don't believe
anything she says.

Just sit there, like a potted plant.
Can you do that?

Come on.

- Do you have any tong...
- Mark.

- Hey.
- Hey. Donna.

So, how's the shoeshine game?

I'm on a break, one of the many
advantages of owning your own business.

You know that's not
your situation, right?

- Yeah. Listen, Donna.
- Yes.

Quick question.
Ann is trying to decide

between Mark and myself.

No, she's not, actually.

If you had to choose,
who would you choose?

Right now, on the spot.

I'm not sure.
Why don't you spin around for me?

You know what?
Can we talk privately?

- Sure.
- Just out here.

Mmm.

Andy.

So, Tammy, for that
and many other reasons,

Ron has decided to
end this relationship.

Wait a minute. Ron brought you
here to break up with me for him?

She volunteered.

Leslie, Ron doesn't
wanna break up with me.

What Ron wants to do
is leave here right now,

go to the sleaziest
motel in town,

and wrap himself around
me like a coiled snake.

No, he doesn't.

I'm pretty sure he does.

See? He's completely
over you.

Look, I understand that this
Ann situation is awkward.

But I like you a lot as a dude.

And I just hope
that there is some way

that we can both be mature,
and maybe be friends.

Yeah. I doubt it.

I mean, I think you're a cool dude, too.
I like you as well.

But I'm still in love with Ann.

I couldn't have been
more upfront about that.

Is punching allowed
on the high road?

I'm sorry, Leslie.

She wins.

I can't resist her.

God, Ron, you have to.

Stay out of this.
This is our relationship.

He's my man. And we have
something twisted and beautiful.

Oh.

You want Ron. That's
what this is all about.

No. That's insane.

Fine, I had one dream.
But no, no.

Baby, don't you see
what's happening here?

She's manipulating you
because she's jealous of me,

and the things I get to do
to your body and face.

I'm here because
Ron is my friend,

and I don't like seeing
my friends miserable.

And you, Tammy,
you make him miserable.

So, Ron, you can give her the
lot, or don't, whatever.

Just, please,
find a way to be happy.

Knope. Wait.

Ron, it's okay.
Just sign the thing.

No, Leslie, it's not okay.
You just put my needs in front of your own.

No woman has ever
done that for me before.

I'm sure that's not true.

You see the kind of women
that I choose, right?

Look, just wait
for me downstairs.

If I'm not down
in five minutes,

it's only because I'm receiving
a pleasure so intense...

Oh, my God.

What the hell are you doing?

"Andy and Ann's
Family Shoeshine"?

Andy, Ann, I thought it
had a nice ring to it.

Oh, my God. Look, Mark has been
really cool about all this,

and you're throwing it
in his face.

Look, I still have
feelings for you. Okay?

I said it.
What do you want me to do?

Not mention those feelings
to your boyfriend?

- Yes.
- Yes.

And you might wanna
take these pictures down.

Oh, my God.
Take those pictures down.

What? Fine.

All of them.
I'm gonna.

Now. Oh, my God.

Give me the bikini one.

The teeny one?

Bikini one.

- You didn't give her the lot.
- Let's get out of here.

Is part of your
mustache missing?

Yes. Just keep walking.

There's a pushpin in your face.

Leave it in.

Can't you walk faster?

My legs are shorter than yours.

Mmm.

We had a good run.

Thank you for saving
my future park.

I know that must've
been hard for you.

You didn't kill Tammy, did you?

I'm afraid she can't be killed.

To exes. May they
always stay that way.

Tammy is a mean person.

Come on, Ron. You can
do better than that.

She's a grade-A bitch.

There we go.

Every time she laughs,
an angel dies.

Even telemarketers avoid her.

Her birth was payback
for the sins of man.

But you know
the worst thing about her?

She works for the library.

She works for the library.