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(insects chirping outside)
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Brooke: I swear I tossed it in here last night.
3
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Whatcha looking for?
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My lipstick, my good neutral.
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Puttin' in a lot of effort for this guy, don't you think?
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Listen,
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this isn't gonna work if you're gonna flex
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at every mention of any other human male
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-I come in contact with. -I'm only pointing out that
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you've known Paul for ages.
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I guarantee you he's not gonna care
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if you're wearing the wrong shade of lipstick.
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Well, maybe not, but I do.
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-Oh! Come on... -Hey.
15
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Hey, hey, hey.
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Take a breath. Come over here.
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(sighs)
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(soft laugh)
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You can cancel, you know.
20
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I'm sure you can find another time.
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He's catching a red-eye tonight.
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How about I finish that later?
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Oh, hell no. This is between me
24
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and whatever the fuck this is.
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-Help yourself to my drink if you want. -(laughs) Oh, I'm good.
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Are you...
27
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Do you think you might be pregnant?
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Oh.
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No, I on-- I only meant that
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I had to get through this visit with Paul before...
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Oh. Oh, yeah.
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(soft laugh)
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It's way too early to know anything.
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This baby thing is a long shot, if it happens.
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Yeah. Of course. That makes sense.
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(sighs) You gonna...
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tell Paul the lawyer found your son?
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Probably. Maybe.
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Yeah? What do you think he'll say?
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Well, I already know what he's gonna say.
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(imitating): "And how do you feel about that, Brooke?"
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(both laugh)
43
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That's insightful.
44
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Well, he takes a more classical approach,
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but, hey. It's a classic for a reason.
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(sighs)
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Don't you think that's long enough?
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Well, that's a rookie mistake.
49
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People think super-glue dries in a few seconds.
50
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If you want real bond strength,
51
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you gotta be patient.
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Can take 10, sometimes 15--
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You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you?
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(sighs)
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Paul means a lot to you.
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I want to meet him.
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I just...
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I think it would be good for
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me and you to let this play out
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between us for a minute before...
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(sighs) Before you...
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-fully acknowledge my existence in your life. -It's not that.
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-Yeah. Hide Quasimodo in the belfry. -Really, it's not.
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It's not that it even hurts my feelings that much,
65
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but it just gets so fucking old.
66
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If you're here, he'll know.
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-You haven't told him you're drinking again? -(sighs)
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Why?
69
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It's not like he's your boss.
70
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He's your supervisor, your therapist.
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Well, it is what it is, and nothing about that's
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gonna change before he shows up in five minutes, so...
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Guess I'll hit up Isaiah.
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Grab a beer or something.
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At least it'll get me out of this fuckin' house for a minute.
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(opens, slams door)
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♪ ♪
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(insects chirping)
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Brooke (echoing): You seem far away.
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Is there something you're looking for out there?
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I'm just... waiting.
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Brooke (echoing): Yes.
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-Waiting. -(sighs)
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Alone with nothing but your thoughts?
85
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And that being the case,
86
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I guess you might as well take a seat.
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(puts down glass)
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(light piano music playing)
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♪ ♪
90
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What is it?
91
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What do you mean?
92
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Something's clearly working its way to the surface for you.
93
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You can give me that look,
94
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but I'm doing pretty darn well at the moment,
95
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all things considered.
96
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What comes to mind when you say that?
97
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Well...
98
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(sighs) On Monday, I'll receive
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my son's information, and a mystery
100
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that has haunted me for over half my life
101
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will finally be solved.
102
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Simple as that?
103
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Why couldn't it be?
104
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Was finding him simple?
105
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No.
106
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No, not exactly. But, um...
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(inhales)
108
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-And there's Adam. -What about him?
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Well, the conversations we're having about our future,
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it's not like we've ever been here before.
111
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It feels...
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Yes?
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I don't know.
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Like progress.
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Progress. Mm.
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Clinical term. Not a lot of romance in it.
117
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-It's realistic. -Ah.
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The mark of every love story for the ages. Pragmatism.
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(scoffs) I thought you would see it as a good thing.
120
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It's coming from a less emotional place
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than I've been recently.
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You mean it's progress?
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Okay, okay.
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You're not wrong.
125
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If you were sitting here, conjuring rainbows and rapture,
126
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I'd also have concerns.
127
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So there's no winning with you.
128
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That's all I want for you.
129
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You know that, right?
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These conversations we have, that's me cheering you on,
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wanting you to get in front of whatever's holding you back.
132
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It felt good to throw out his ashes.
133
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I don't regret it. I really don't.
134
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Those ashes weren't him. Not really.
135
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Mostly, it felt like a step towards some greater release,
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which is good.
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I think.
138
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So...
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as I was saying,
140
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all things considered, I'm doing pretty well.
141
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-I can see that. -(puts down glass)
142
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Okay, Rita.
143
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What you're going through is a lot.
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All of it.
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I validate it. I honor it.
146
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And it's exactly why you return to the thing
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you know for a fact brings relief.
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In the short term.
149
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But what if I can handle it?
150
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Okay. Let's play that out.
151
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What does handling it look like?
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It's bringing my best to my patients
153
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in the day, and unwinding,
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with a few drinks, at night, like an adult.
155
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(scoffs) I've also been sober for nine years.
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You think I haven't learned something about
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my relationship with alcohol in all that time?
158
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So that's what's happening now?
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Work all day, cocktail or two at night?
160
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-Something like that. -Never sneak a drink between patients
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just to take the edge off?
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-Fuck you. -Sure.
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If you've been able to show up for your patients
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day in and day out, then yes. Fuck me.
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I have.
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I can do that sober, and frankly, I can do that
167
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even if I've had a drink.
168
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You take great pride in your ability to compartmentalize.
169
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It's almost a...
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full-time job for you at this point.
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No, I take great pride in my ability to help my patients
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find happiness. That's my job.
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It is?
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(laughs) Here it comes.
175
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It's just a little Jung.
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Ugh!
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The principal aim of psychotherapy is not to
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transport the patient to an impossible state of happiness.
179
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But to help them acquire...
180
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Both: a steadfastness and a philosophic patience
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in the face of suffering.
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(soft laugh)
183
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-Jung really knew his shit. -(laughs)
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Indeed he did. (chuckles)
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It really is the one debt I'll always owe Paul.
186
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What is?
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He saw my potential.
188
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(clicks tongue) Was easy to see. (scoffs)
189
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A young woman he met had more insights and observations
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than clinicians twice her age because she had lived.
191
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Because things had happened to her.
192
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Success, loss, addiction, rehab.
193
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You were able to relate to anyone with profound empathy.
194
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All you'd been through, good and bad,
195
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that's what made you great.
196
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Know who recognized your potential first?
197
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You.
198
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In fact, I think you've known
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your own promise for a very long time.
200
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Might be the truest thing you know about yourself.
201
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(scoffs) That's the exact message I got as a child.
202
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"Brooke,
203
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"you know what's best for you.
204
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We trust you to make your own decisions about your life."
205
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No. You didn't get that message.
206
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-My father wouldn't-- -I know.
207
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You talk about your father a lot.
208
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You offer him up any time someone tries to get
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to the bottom of things with you.
210
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Don't you think he deserves to have a finger pointed
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-in his direction? -I do.
212
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But it's also an easy answer.
213
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"He made me give up my child."
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It's a pain anyone can understand,
215
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but is it really that simple?
216
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Why do you think you never talk about your mother?
217
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W... What do you mean?
218
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It's a conspicuous absence.
219
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It's 'cause there's nothing to sort through. I loved her.
220
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She never put the same pressures on me as my father did.
221
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She was at her best when I was sick
222
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or sad or needed help.
223
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She knew how to show up in the hard times.
224
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Her death was very painful for you.
225
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I mean, sure.
226
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Of course. It was...
227
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25 years ago.
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She was young.
229
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Youngest stroke victim her doctor ever tried to save.
230
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Bleeding was just too much.
231
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It's probably what she wanted all along.
232
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What she wanted?
233
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(sighs) A quick death. Don't we all?
234
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You think she wanted to have a catastrophic stroke?
235
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(scoffs) Of course she didn't want it.
236
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But there are the studies,
237
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the links between
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hemorrhage and heavy drinking.
239
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She didn't take care of herself.
240
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She didn't take care of herself.
241
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I see what you're driving at.
242
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-What am I driving at? -It's obvious.
243
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So say it.
244
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She didn't take care of herself, which means
245
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she didn't really take care of me.
246
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How does it feel to say that?
247
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Tell me about her.
248
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What was she like?
249
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I haven't thought about her for a long time.
250
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And I think that's part of the problem.
251
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My mother was...
252
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a force.
253
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A whirlwind.
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Always doing.
255
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Where it would take my father 40 minutes to smoke a cigar
256
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without lifting his gaze from the window, my mother was...
257
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I don't know, a--
258
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an electron.
259
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Here one second, there the next. (laughs)
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Maybe two places at once. (chuckles)
261
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And if you needed her?
262
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How'd you get her attention?
263
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We'd collide.
264
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Anyway, I think she thought
265
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having a drink or two in the evening would
266
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slow her down, help her relax.
267
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But,
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it just made the trail she left behind messier.
269
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There's this sense you develop when you live with someone
270
00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:35,403
who's an alcoholic.
271
00:15:35,466 --> 00:15:38,626
You can open the door, and within a fraction of a second,
272
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,430
you know...
273
00:15:41,366 --> 00:15:43,196
if they've been drinking.
274
00:15:43,266 --> 00:15:46,196
You don't even have to hear 'em or see 'em. You just...
275
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,170
know.
276
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,303
(scoffs)
277
00:15:53,366 --> 00:15:55,726
It was the only feeling I trusted because
278
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,200
everything that came afterward was unpredictable.
279
00:16:00,266 --> 00:16:03,496
You know, she... could be in the kitchen,
280
00:16:03,566 --> 00:16:04,766
in a good mood,
281
00:16:05,033 --> 00:16:08,373
trying out some new recipe for pie crust
282
00:16:08,433 --> 00:16:10,403
or spaghetti sauce, or I could
283
00:16:10,466 --> 00:16:14,226
slip past her nodding off over the laundry basket on the couch
284
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,070
and hole up in my room.
285
00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:21,173
My father would come home and make her wake up,
286
00:16:21,233 --> 00:16:24,673
and I would just turn up Power 106 and hit the books.
287
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:30,000
Or I could search the house for her,
288
00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:33,126
terrified I'd find her hurt or...
289
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,730
worse.
290
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,170
But no.
291
00:16:39,233 --> 00:16:42,203
She'd been picked up for a DUI leaving the bank,
292
00:16:42,266 --> 00:16:44,726
and she was spending the afternoon
293
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,500
sobering up in a holding cell
294
00:16:46,566 --> 00:16:49,626
like every other mother in the neighborhood.
295
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,200
I swore I would never be like her.
296
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,570
I know.
297
00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:11,733
The things she would say and do.
298
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,030
It was embarrassing to my father, too.
299
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:21,200
You know, this was a man who had a vision for everything.
300
00:17:21,266 --> 00:17:25,096
You know, plot of land, design of a home,
301
00:17:25,166 --> 00:17:26,766
a cut of a suit.
302
00:17:28,566 --> 00:17:30,496
It killed him
303
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,300
that he couldn't just
304
00:17:33,366 --> 00:17:36,626
make her fit into his vision for our family.
305
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,603
How do you think she felt?
306
00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:43,466
Oh, she probably...
307
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:49,073
she probably felt trapped. Just like I did.
308
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,003
I would go to the best schools.
309
00:17:51,066 --> 00:17:52,596
I would grow up Jack and Jill.
310
00:17:52,666 --> 00:17:55,326
I would have that cotillion.
311
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,030
You wouldn't be another embarrassment to the family.
312
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:01,730
You wouldn't be a 15-year-old mother.
313
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,230
You mean you wouldn't.
314
00:18:08,366 --> 00:18:09,426
Right.
315
00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:11,703
Yes.
316
00:18:13,366 --> 00:18:15,066
I wouldn't.
317
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,670
And that was her solution, too.
318
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,066
(puts down glass)
319
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,070
She had the most gorgeous voice.
320
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:31,603
-(laughs softly) -I would catch her
321
00:18:31,666 --> 00:18:33,296
singing to herself.
322
00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:36,203
And I would, uh...
323
00:18:36,266 --> 00:18:38,366
(exhales) just...
324
00:18:38,433 --> 00:18:41,603
sing quietly along with her.
325
00:18:41,666 --> 00:18:44,266
I didn't want her to stop, but...
326
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,026
I also wanted to be...
327
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,200
swept away with her.
328
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,230
But I loved her.
329
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,170
-You did. -And I know she loved me...
330
00:19:14,433 --> 00:19:16,233
in the ways she could.
331
00:19:19,466 --> 00:19:21,466
It's a scary thought, isn't it?
332
00:19:23,266 --> 00:19:26,696
That love isn't necessarily enough to...
333
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,496
prevent the damage.
334
00:19:30,666 --> 00:19:32,566
Probably scary enough to keep you
335
00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:35,173
from having a family of your own.
336
00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:40,203
You blame your father for everything, then and now.
337
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:42,200
Always have.
338
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,500
But...
339
00:19:44,566 --> 00:19:48,226
maybe, somehow, your mother's at the root of your pain.
340
00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:50,030
No, you're wrong.
341
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,000
It's not pain I'm really feeling
342
00:19:54,066 --> 00:19:56,266
when having a drink is the best idea I've ever had.
343
00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:57,433
It's not even that deep.
344
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,700
Then what are you feeling in those moments?
345
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:03,566
Mostly anxiety.
346
00:20:03,633 --> 00:20:06,033
I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time.
347
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:07,770
And where does that come from?
348
00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:10,403
-I just told you. Anxiety. -But where does
349
00:20:10,466 --> 00:20:12,726
anxiety come from? Fundamentally.
350
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,670
First Jung, and now Kübler-Ross?
351
00:20:15,733 --> 00:20:18,233
Just go with the premise.
352
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,270
There are two primary emotions, fear and love.
353
00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:25,033
Everything spills from those two core feelings. So,
354
00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,033
anxiety.
355
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,570
-Fear. -Right. So, what are you afraid of?
356
00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:31,033
-A lot of things. -Yes,
357
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:33,470
but what are you afraid of?
358
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,773
I don't know. I'm...
359
00:20:36,733 --> 00:20:38,203
I'm unlovable.
360
00:20:38,266 --> 00:20:41,096
Go further. Unlovable in what way?
361
00:20:41,166 --> 00:20:44,496
Oh, that's easy. I-I'm not enough.
362
00:20:44,566 --> 00:20:48,526
Enough easy answers. What's the hard one?
363
00:20:50,633 --> 00:20:53,233
That I'm too much!
364
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,030
Yes?
365
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:58,100
(gasps) That I was too much for my mother!
366
00:21:01,366 --> 00:21:03,766
Too perceptive.
367
00:21:04,033 --> 00:21:07,303
Too inquisitive. Too capable.
368
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:10,296
-(crying) -These are the exact qualities
369
00:21:10,366 --> 00:21:13,396
a mother should celebrate in a child.
370
00:21:16,366 --> 00:21:18,126
This is it, Brooke.
371
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,130
-You recognize that, right? -(sobs)
372
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,170
You are pure gold.
373
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,030
You glow.
374
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:36,230
And, unfortunately, that blessed fact
375
00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:40,170
never got you the love you wanted from her.
376
00:21:40,233 --> 00:21:43,503
The mirror you held up to her was blinding.
377
00:21:45,533 --> 00:21:48,333
And every drink you take
378
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,130
tarnishes that brilliance.
379
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:54,100
-(gasps) -Every day you spend with a man
380
00:21:54,166 --> 00:21:57,066
you have doubts about dampens your power.
381
00:21:57,133 --> 00:21:58,233
(gasps)
382
00:21:59,533 --> 00:22:01,303
(gasping)
383
00:22:01,366 --> 00:22:04,396
You think that by lowering yourself,
384
00:22:04,466 --> 00:22:06,396
you become more lovable.
385
00:22:08,066 --> 00:22:09,526
(gasping)
386
00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:15,070
-And your son... -Enough.
387
00:22:17,566 --> 00:22:19,726
Enough. (panting)
388
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,170
-You need to hear this. -No.
389
00:22:22,233 --> 00:22:23,773
Paul should be here.
390
00:22:24,033 --> 00:22:26,133
I want to hear what he has to say.
391
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,330
And where is he?
392
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,770
He hounds me for a month, and then it's this
393
00:22:31,033 --> 00:22:33,603
last minute, one sentence, "can't make it" text.
394
00:22:33,666 --> 00:22:35,726
And why does that surprise you?
395
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,130
What? No.
396
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,170
-Paul is very reliable. -No, I mean
397
00:22:42,233 --> 00:22:46,273
why does it still surprise you to find yourself alone?
398
00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:51,096
You sit here with your patients,
399
00:22:51,166 --> 00:22:54,396
an audience to their joys and heartbreaks.
400
00:22:54,466 --> 00:22:57,166
There are echoes in their stories but every one is unique.
401
00:22:57,233 --> 00:23:00,233
Uniquely felt. Singular.
402
00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:02,300
And that perspective forces an understanding
403
00:23:02,366 --> 00:23:04,096
that loneliness is woven into
404
00:23:04,166 --> 00:23:07,126
the fabric of being human.
405
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,100
We become separate the moment we leave our mothers' bodies,
406
00:23:10,166 --> 00:23:13,766
and from that point on, one only has one's self.
407
00:23:16,166 --> 00:23:18,266
Isn't our job, at its heart,
408
00:23:19,366 --> 00:23:22,126
it isn't to teach our patients anything.
409
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:25,200
It's to simply help them unearth
410
00:23:25,266 --> 00:23:28,366
what they already know about themselves.
411
00:23:28,433 --> 00:23:30,433
Their authentic nature.
412
00:23:31,266 --> 00:23:34,066
Their truth.
413
00:23:34,133 --> 00:23:37,433
So, yes, Paul could be sitting here right now.
414
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:40,000
He could have a lot to say. He could say nothing at all.
415
00:23:40,066 --> 00:23:43,766
He could cancel right before he was supposed to be here
416
00:23:44,033 --> 00:23:47,203
just like he did, and it wouldn't change a thing.
417
00:23:49,333 --> 00:23:51,473
Because, deep down, you know.
418
00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:55,370
♪ ♪
419
00:24:00,233 --> 00:24:02,203
Your son doesn't want to be found.
420
00:24:07,066 --> 00:24:09,566
Why upend his entire life
421
00:24:09,633 --> 00:24:13,303
for some fantasy that won't be realized?
422
00:24:14,433 --> 00:24:17,303
To make yourself feel even worse?
423
00:24:20,633 --> 00:24:23,703
No matter what message you got from your mother...
424
00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:28,670
you don't have to be sad to be loved.
425
00:24:30,766 --> 00:24:34,526
The only way for you to experience real love
426
00:24:36,233 --> 00:24:39,273
is if you stop dimming your light.
427
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:52,530
I'm sorry I can't make this okay for you.
428
00:24:54,366 --> 00:24:57,996
All I can do is encourage you to sit with your pain.
429
00:25:00,766 --> 00:25:03,126
Have patience with it.
430
00:25:05,033 --> 00:25:07,073
(echoing): Become steadfast in it.
431
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,700
Make it mean something.
432
00:25:16,233 --> 00:25:19,303
♪ ♪
433
00:25:50,033 --> 00:25:51,133
(puts down glass)
434
00:26:12,133 --> 00:26:15,203
♪ ♪
435
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:44,470
♪ ♪
436
00:27:11,433 --> 00:27:14,503
♪ ♪
30629
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