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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:09,200 (insects chirping outside) 2 00:00:09,266 --> 00:00:12,526 Brooke: I swear I tossed it in here last night. 3 00:00:13,366 --> 00:00:14,766 Whatcha looking for? 4 00:00:15,033 --> 00:00:18,233 My lipstick, my good neutral. 5 00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:21,170 Puttin' in a lot of effort for this guy, don't you think? 6 00:00:21,233 --> 00:00:22,373 Listen, 7 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,233 this isn't gonna work if you're gonna flex 8 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:26,430 at every mention of any other human male 9 00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:29,430 -I come in contact with. -I'm only pointing out that 10 00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:30,770 you've known Paul for ages. 11 00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,233 I guarantee you he's not gonna care 12 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,100 if you're wearing the wrong shade of lipstick. 13 00:00:34,166 --> 00:00:36,466 Well, maybe not, but I do. 14 00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:39,073 -Oh! Come on... -Hey. 15 00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:40,703 Hey, hey, hey. 16 00:00:40,766 --> 00:00:42,996 Take a breath. Come over here. 17 00:00:43,066 --> 00:00:44,366 (sighs) 18 00:00:44,433 --> 00:00:46,303 (soft laugh) 19 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,300 You can cancel, you know. 20 00:00:50,366 --> 00:00:52,126 I'm sure you can find another time. 21 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,470 He's catching a red-eye tonight. 22 00:00:59,366 --> 00:01:01,296 How about I finish that later? 23 00:01:01,366 --> 00:01:03,596 Oh, hell no. This is between me 24 00:01:03,666 --> 00:01:06,296 and whatever the fuck this is. 25 00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:10,226 -Help yourself to my drink if you want. -(laughs) Oh, I'm good. 26 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,070 Are you... 27 00:01:15,566 --> 00:01:17,626 Do you think you might be pregnant? 28 00:01:19,633 --> 00:01:21,173 Oh. 29 00:01:21,233 --> 00:01:23,533 No, I on-- I only meant that 30 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,470 I had to get through this visit with Paul before... 31 00:01:26,533 --> 00:01:29,003 Oh. Oh, yeah. 32 00:01:29,066 --> 00:01:30,196 (soft laugh) 33 00:01:30,266 --> 00:01:33,126 It's way too early to know anything. 34 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,770 This baby thing is a long shot, if it happens. 35 00:01:37,033 --> 00:01:39,203 Yeah. Of course. That makes sense. 36 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,333 (sighs) You gonna... 37 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,200 tell Paul the lawyer found your son? 38 00:01:46,466 --> 00:01:48,596 Probably. Maybe. 39 00:01:49,633 --> 00:01:51,633 Yeah? What do you think he'll say? 40 00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:53,370 Well, I already know what he's gonna say. 41 00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:56,133 (imitating): "And how do you feel about that, Brooke?" 42 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,170 (both laugh) 43 00:01:58,233 --> 00:01:59,273 That's insightful. 44 00:01:59,333 --> 00:02:02,133 Well, he takes a more classical approach, 45 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,470 but, hey. It's a classic for a reason. 46 00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,703 (sighs) 47 00:02:10,766 --> 00:02:12,566 Don't you think that's long enough? 48 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,173 Well, that's a rookie mistake. 49 00:02:15,233 --> 00:02:18,033 People think super-glue dries in a few seconds. 50 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,000 If you want real bond strength, 51 00:02:20,066 --> 00:02:22,026 you gotta be patient. 52 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,400 Can take 10, sometimes 15-- 53 00:02:24,466 --> 00:02:26,466 You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you? 54 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:28,430 (sighs) 55 00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:32,733 Paul means a lot to you. 56 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,600 I want to meet him. 57 00:02:35,266 --> 00:02:36,566 I just... 58 00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:40,003 I think it would be good for 59 00:02:40,066 --> 00:02:41,666 me and you to let this play out 60 00:02:41,733 --> 00:02:44,033 between us for a minute before... 61 00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:47,603 (sighs) Before you... 62 00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:52,196 -fully acknowledge my existence in your life. -It's not that. 63 00:02:52,266 --> 00:02:56,666 -Yeah. Hide Quasimodo in the belfry. -Really, it's not. 64 00:02:56,733 --> 00:02:59,173 It's not that it even hurts my feelings that much, 65 00:02:59,233 --> 00:03:01,173 but it just gets so fucking old. 66 00:03:01,233 --> 00:03:03,203 If you're here, he'll know. 67 00:03:07,533 --> 00:03:10,473 -You haven't told him you're drinking again? -(sighs) 68 00:03:10,533 --> 00:03:12,573 Why? 69 00:03:12,633 --> 00:03:14,033 It's not like he's your boss. 70 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:15,430 He's your supervisor, your therapist. 71 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,300 Well, it is what it is, and nothing about that's 72 00:03:17,366 --> 00:03:20,596 gonna change before he shows up in five minutes, so... 73 00:03:29,666 --> 00:03:32,266 Guess I'll hit up Isaiah. 74 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,233 Grab a beer or something. 75 00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,700 At least it'll get me out of this fuckin' house for a minute. 76 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,130 (opens, slams door) 77 00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:50,073 ♪ ♪ 78 00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:53,203 (insects chirping) 79 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,730 Brooke (echoing): You seem far away. 80 00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:27,730 Is there something you're looking for out there? 81 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:34,170 I'm just... waiting. 82 00:04:36,033 --> 00:04:38,273 Brooke (echoing): Yes. 83 00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:40,433 -Waiting. -(sighs) 84 00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:46,433 Alone with nothing but your thoughts? 85 00:04:57,733 --> 00:05:00,033 And that being the case, 86 00:05:01,266 --> 00:05:04,526 I guess you might as well take a seat. 87 00:05:13,433 --> 00:05:14,503 (puts down glass) 88 00:05:18,433 --> 00:05:20,703 (light piano music playing) 89 00:05:20,766 --> 00:05:23,026 ♪ ♪ 90 00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:41,526 What is it? 91 00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:45,003 What do you mean? 92 00:05:45,066 --> 00:05:48,996 Something's clearly working its way to the surface for you. 93 00:05:50,733 --> 00:05:53,233 You can give me that look, 94 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,270 but I'm doing pretty darn well at the moment, 95 00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:58,673 all things considered. 96 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,173 What comes to mind when you say that? 97 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,700 Well... 98 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,270 (sighs) On Monday, I'll receive 99 00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:11,273 my son's information, and a mystery 100 00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:13,633 that has haunted me for over half my life 101 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:15,600 will finally be solved. 102 00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:17,296 Simple as that? 103 00:06:17,366 --> 00:06:19,026 Why couldn't it be? 104 00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,030 Was finding him simple? 105 00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,596 No. 106 00:06:24,666 --> 00:06:27,766 No, not exactly. But, um... 107 00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,530 (inhales) 108 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,730 -And there's Adam. -What about him? 109 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,130 Well, the conversations we're having about our future, 110 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,400 it's not like we've ever been here before. 111 00:06:43,766 --> 00:06:45,596 It feels... 112 00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:47,326 Yes? 113 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,670 I don't know. 114 00:06:51,033 --> 00:06:52,603 Like progress. 115 00:06:52,666 --> 00:06:54,766 Progress. Mm. 116 00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:58,670 Clinical term. Not a lot of romance in it. 117 00:06:58,733 --> 00:07:01,573 -It's realistic. -Ah. 118 00:07:01,633 --> 00:07:05,573 The mark of every love story for the ages. Pragmatism. 119 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:08,473 (scoffs) I thought you would see it as a good thing. 120 00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:10,373 It's coming from a less emotional place 121 00:07:10,433 --> 00:07:12,033 than I've been recently. 122 00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:14,600 You mean it's progress? 123 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:16,770 Okay, okay. 124 00:07:17,033 --> 00:07:18,273 You're not wrong. 125 00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:21,473 If you were sitting here, conjuring rainbows and rapture, 126 00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,273 I'd also have concerns. 127 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,670 So there's no winning with you. 128 00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,633 That's all I want for you. 129 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,500 You know that, right? 130 00:07:34,566 --> 00:07:37,766 These conversations we have, that's me cheering you on, 131 00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:41,673 wanting you to get in front of whatever's holding you back. 132 00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:53,173 It felt good to throw out his ashes. 133 00:07:55,033 --> 00:07:57,373 I don't regret it. I really don't. 134 00:07:59,233 --> 00:08:03,303 Those ashes weren't him. Not really. 135 00:08:03,366 --> 00:08:07,126 Mostly, it felt like a step towards some greater release, 136 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,330 which is good. 137 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,770 I think. 138 00:08:14,533 --> 00:08:16,003 So... 139 00:08:16,766 --> 00:08:18,126 as I was saying, 140 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:22,470 all things considered, I'm doing pretty well. 141 00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,773 -I can see that. -(puts down glass) 142 00:08:26,233 --> 00:08:27,573 Okay, Rita. 143 00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:31,733 What you're going through is a lot. 144 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,400 All of it. 145 00:08:34,566 --> 00:08:37,596 I validate it. I honor it. 146 00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:40,196 And it's exactly why you return to the thing 147 00:08:40,266 --> 00:08:43,426 you know for a fact brings relief. 148 00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,200 In the short term. 149 00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:53,103 But what if I can handle it? 150 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,426 Okay. Let's play that out. 151 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,430 What does handling it look like? 152 00:08:58,566 --> 00:09:01,566 It's bringing my best to my patients 153 00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,633 in the day, and unwinding, 154 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,500 with a few drinks, at night, like an adult. 155 00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:12,003 (scoffs) I've also been sober for nine years. 156 00:09:12,066 --> 00:09:14,096 You think I haven't learned something about 157 00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:17,096 my relationship with alcohol in all that time? 158 00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:19,266 So that's what's happening now? 159 00:09:19,333 --> 00:09:22,073 Work all day, cocktail or two at night? 160 00:09:22,133 --> 00:09:24,733 -Something like that. -Never sneak a drink between patients 161 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,670 just to take the edge off? 162 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,733 -Fuck you. -Sure. 163 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,700 If you've been able to show up for your patients 164 00:09:30,766 --> 00:09:33,696 day in and day out, then yes. Fuck me. 165 00:09:33,766 --> 00:09:35,196 I have. 166 00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:37,666 I can do that sober, and frankly, I can do that 167 00:09:37,733 --> 00:09:39,503 even if I've had a drink. 168 00:09:39,566 --> 00:09:42,196 You take great pride in your ability to compartmentalize. 169 00:09:42,266 --> 00:09:43,426 It's almost a... 170 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,170 full-time job for you at this point. 171 00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:49,003 No, I take great pride in my ability to help my patients 172 00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:52,126 find happiness. That's my job. 173 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,130 It is? 174 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,230 (laughs) Here it comes. 175 00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,200 It's just a little Jung. 176 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,266 Ugh! 177 00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:03,703 The principal aim of psychotherapy is not to 178 00:10:03,766 --> 00:10:07,466 transport the patient to an impossible state of happiness. 179 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:11,703 But to help them acquire... 180 00:10:11,766 --> 00:10:15,196 Both: a steadfastness and a philosophic patience 181 00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:17,696 in the face of suffering. 182 00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:23,596 (soft laugh) 183 00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:26,526 -Jung really knew his shit. -(laughs) 184 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,230 Indeed he did. (chuckles) 185 00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:35,273 It really is the one debt I'll always owe Paul. 186 00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:36,703 What is? 187 00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:38,326 He saw my potential. 188 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,470 (clicks tongue) Was easy to see. (scoffs) 189 00:10:41,533 --> 00:10:45,173 A young woman he met had more insights and observations 190 00:10:45,233 --> 00:10:48,673 than clinicians twice her age because she had lived. 191 00:10:48,733 --> 00:10:51,373 Because things had happened to her. 192 00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:55,303 Success, loss, addiction, rehab. 193 00:10:55,366 --> 00:10:58,266 You were able to relate to anyone with profound empathy. 194 00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:01,203 All you'd been through, good and bad, 195 00:11:01,266 --> 00:11:03,366 that's what made you great. 196 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,626 Know who recognized your potential first? 197 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,100 You. 198 00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:16,303 In fact, I think you've known 199 00:11:16,366 --> 00:11:20,196 your own promise for a very long time. 200 00:11:20,266 --> 00:11:22,626 Might be the truest thing you know about yourself. 201 00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:26,300 (scoffs) That's the exact message I got as a child. 202 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,470 "Brooke, 203 00:11:28,533 --> 00:11:30,733 "you know what's best for you. 204 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:35,430 We trust you to make your own decisions about your life." 205 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:38,730 No. You didn't get that message. 206 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,330 -My father wouldn't-- -I know. 207 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:47,300 You talk about your father a lot. 208 00:11:47,366 --> 00:11:49,626 You offer him up any time someone tries to get 209 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:52,700 to the bottom of things with you. 210 00:11:52,766 --> 00:11:55,196 Don't you think he deserves to have a finger pointed 211 00:11:55,266 --> 00:11:58,196 -in his direction? -I do. 212 00:11:58,266 --> 00:12:00,626 But it's also an easy answer. 213 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,370 "He made me give up my child." 214 00:12:03,433 --> 00:12:05,233 It's a pain anyone can understand, 215 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,230 but is it really that simple? 216 00:12:10,666 --> 00:12:13,396 Why do you think you never talk about your mother? 217 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,700 W... What do you mean? 218 00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:21,070 It's a conspicuous absence. 219 00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:25,333 It's 'cause there's nothing to sort through. I loved her. 220 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:29,330 She never put the same pressures on me as my father did. 221 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,470 She was at her best when I was sick 222 00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,403 or sad or needed help. 223 00:12:33,466 --> 00:12:36,566 She knew how to show up in the hard times. 224 00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,703 Her death was very painful for you. 225 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,200 I mean, sure. 226 00:12:43,266 --> 00:12:44,996 Of course. It was... 227 00:12:45,066 --> 00:12:46,996 25 years ago. 228 00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:48,496 She was young. 229 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,770 Youngest stroke victim her doctor ever tried to save. 230 00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,400 Bleeding was just too much. 231 00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:05,103 It's probably what she wanted all along. 232 00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:07,596 What she wanted? 233 00:13:07,666 --> 00:13:12,226 (sighs) A quick death. Don't we all? 234 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:15,700 You think she wanted to have a catastrophic stroke? 235 00:13:15,766 --> 00:13:18,766 (scoffs) Of course she didn't want it. 236 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,570 But there are the studies, 237 00:13:22,633 --> 00:13:24,303 the links between 238 00:13:24,366 --> 00:13:27,066 hemorrhage and heavy drinking. 239 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,170 She didn't take care of herself. 240 00:13:34,766 --> 00:13:36,996 She didn't take care of herself. 241 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,200 I see what you're driving at. 242 00:13:40,266 --> 00:13:42,226 -What am I driving at? -It's obvious. 243 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,330 So say it. 244 00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:51,333 She didn't take care of herself, which means 245 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,630 she didn't really take care of me. 246 00:14:00,266 --> 00:14:02,366 How does it feel to say that? 247 00:14:08,366 --> 00:14:10,566 Tell me about her. 248 00:14:11,733 --> 00:14:13,573 What was she like? 249 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,500 I haven't thought about her for a long time. 250 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:21,266 And I think that's part of the problem. 251 00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:27,396 My mother was... 252 00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:30,533 a force. 253 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,200 A whirlwind. 254 00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:37,070 Always doing. 255 00:14:37,133 --> 00:14:40,603 Where it would take my father 40 minutes to smoke a cigar 256 00:14:40,666 --> 00:14:44,396 without lifting his gaze from the window, my mother was... 257 00:14:46,466 --> 00:14:48,066 I don't know, a-- 258 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,630 an electron. 259 00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:54,730 Here one second, there the next. (laughs) 260 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,630 Maybe two places at once. (chuckles) 261 00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:00,033 And if you needed her? 262 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,200 How'd you get her attention? 263 00:15:04,533 --> 00:15:06,703 We'd collide. 264 00:15:07,633 --> 00:15:09,573 Anyway, I think she thought 265 00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:13,033 having a drink or two in the evening would 266 00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,400 slow her down, help her relax. 267 00:15:18,366 --> 00:15:19,566 But, 268 00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:23,003 it just made the trail she left behind messier. 269 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,670 There's this sense you develop when you live with someone 270 00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:35,403 who's an alcoholic. 271 00:15:35,466 --> 00:15:38,626 You can open the door, and within a fraction of a second, 272 00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,430 you know... 273 00:15:41,366 --> 00:15:43,196 if they've been drinking. 274 00:15:43,266 --> 00:15:46,196 You don't even have to hear 'em or see 'em. You just... 275 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,170 know. 276 00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,303 (scoffs) 277 00:15:53,366 --> 00:15:55,726 It was the only feeling I trusted because 278 00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,200 everything that came afterward was unpredictable. 279 00:16:00,266 --> 00:16:03,496 You know, she... could be in the kitchen, 280 00:16:03,566 --> 00:16:04,766 in a good mood, 281 00:16:05,033 --> 00:16:08,373 trying out some new recipe for pie crust 282 00:16:08,433 --> 00:16:10,403 or spaghetti sauce, or I could 283 00:16:10,466 --> 00:16:14,226 slip past her nodding off over the laundry basket on the couch 284 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,070 and hole up in my room. 285 00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:21,173 My father would come home and make her wake up, 286 00:16:21,233 --> 00:16:24,673 and I would just turn up Power 106 and hit the books. 287 00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:30,000 Or I could search the house for her, 288 00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:33,126 terrified I'd find her hurt or... 289 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,730 worse. 290 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,170 But no. 291 00:16:39,233 --> 00:16:42,203 She'd been picked up for a DUI leaving the bank, 292 00:16:42,266 --> 00:16:44,726 and she was spending the afternoon 293 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,500 sobering up in a holding cell 294 00:16:46,566 --> 00:16:49,626 like every other mother in the neighborhood. 295 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,200 I swore I would never be like her. 296 00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,570 I know. 297 00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:11,733 The things she would say and do. 298 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,030 It was embarrassing to my father, too. 299 00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:21,200 You know, this was a man who had a vision for everything. 300 00:17:21,266 --> 00:17:25,096 You know, plot of land, design of a home, 301 00:17:25,166 --> 00:17:26,766 a cut of a suit. 302 00:17:28,566 --> 00:17:30,496 It killed him 303 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,300 that he couldn't just 304 00:17:33,366 --> 00:17:36,626 make her fit into his vision for our family. 305 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,603 How do you think she felt? 306 00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:43,466 Oh, she probably... 307 00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:49,073 she probably felt trapped. Just like I did. 308 00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,003 I would go to the best schools. 309 00:17:51,066 --> 00:17:52,596 I would grow up Jack and Jill. 310 00:17:52,666 --> 00:17:55,326 I would have that cotillion. 311 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,030 You wouldn't be another embarrassment to the family. 312 00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:01,730 You wouldn't be a 15-year-old mother. 313 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,230 You mean you wouldn't. 314 00:18:08,366 --> 00:18:09,426 Right. 315 00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:11,703 Yes. 316 00:18:13,366 --> 00:18:15,066 I wouldn't. 317 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,670 And that was her solution, too. 318 00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,066 (puts down glass) 319 00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,070 She had the most gorgeous voice. 320 00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:31,603 -(laughs softly) -I would catch her 321 00:18:31,666 --> 00:18:33,296 singing to herself. 322 00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:36,203 And I would, uh... 323 00:18:36,266 --> 00:18:38,366 (exhales) just... 324 00:18:38,433 --> 00:18:41,603 sing quietly along with her. 325 00:18:41,666 --> 00:18:44,266 I didn't want her to stop, but... 326 00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,026 I also wanted to be... 327 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,200 swept away with her. 328 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,230 But I loved her. 329 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,170 -You did. -And I know she loved me... 330 00:19:14,433 --> 00:19:16,233 in the ways she could. 331 00:19:19,466 --> 00:19:21,466 It's a scary thought, isn't it? 332 00:19:23,266 --> 00:19:26,696 That love isn't necessarily enough to... 333 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,496 prevent the damage. 334 00:19:30,666 --> 00:19:32,566 Probably scary enough to keep you 335 00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:35,173 from having a family of your own. 336 00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:40,203 You blame your father for everything, then and now. 337 00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:42,200 Always have. 338 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,500 But... 339 00:19:44,566 --> 00:19:48,226 maybe, somehow, your mother's at the root of your pain. 340 00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:50,030 No, you're wrong. 341 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,000 It's not pain I'm really feeling 342 00:19:54,066 --> 00:19:56,266 when having a drink is the best idea I've ever had. 343 00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:57,433 It's not even that deep. 344 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,700 Then what are you feeling in those moments? 345 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:03,566 Mostly anxiety. 346 00:20:03,633 --> 00:20:06,033 I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time. 347 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:07,770 And where does that come from? 348 00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:10,403 -I just told you. Anxiety. -But where does 349 00:20:10,466 --> 00:20:12,726 anxiety come from? Fundamentally. 350 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,670 First Jung, and now Kübler-Ross? 351 00:20:15,733 --> 00:20:18,233 Just go with the premise. 352 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,270 There are two primary emotions, fear and love. 353 00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:25,033 Everything spills from those two core feelings. So, 354 00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,033 anxiety. 355 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,570 -Fear. -Right. So, what are you afraid of? 356 00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:31,033 -A lot of things. -Yes, 357 00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:33,470 but what are you afraid of? 358 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,773 I don't know. I'm... 359 00:20:36,733 --> 00:20:38,203 I'm unlovable. 360 00:20:38,266 --> 00:20:41,096 Go further. Unlovable in what way? 361 00:20:41,166 --> 00:20:44,496 Oh, that's easy. I-I'm not enough. 362 00:20:44,566 --> 00:20:48,526 Enough easy answers. What's the hard one? 363 00:20:50,633 --> 00:20:53,233 That I'm too much! 364 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,030 Yes? 365 00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:58,100 (gasps) That I was too much for my mother! 366 00:21:01,366 --> 00:21:03,766 Too perceptive. 367 00:21:04,033 --> 00:21:07,303 Too inquisitive. Too capable. 368 00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:10,296 -(crying) -These are the exact qualities 369 00:21:10,366 --> 00:21:13,396 a mother should celebrate in a child. 370 00:21:16,366 --> 00:21:18,126 This is it, Brooke. 371 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,130 -You recognize that, right? -(sobs) 372 00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,170 You are pure gold. 373 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,030 You glow. 374 00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:36,230 And, unfortunately, that blessed fact 375 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:40,170 never got you the love you wanted from her. 376 00:21:40,233 --> 00:21:43,503 The mirror you held up to her was blinding. 377 00:21:45,533 --> 00:21:48,333 And every drink you take 378 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,130 tarnishes that brilliance. 379 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:54,100 -(gasps) -Every day you spend with a man 380 00:21:54,166 --> 00:21:57,066 you have doubts about dampens your power. 381 00:21:57,133 --> 00:21:58,233 (gasps) 382 00:21:59,533 --> 00:22:01,303 (gasping) 383 00:22:01,366 --> 00:22:04,396 You think that by lowering yourself, 384 00:22:04,466 --> 00:22:06,396 you become more lovable. 385 00:22:08,066 --> 00:22:09,526 (gasping) 386 00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:15,070 -And your son... -Enough. 387 00:22:17,566 --> 00:22:19,726 Enough. (panting) 388 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,170 -You need to hear this. -No. 389 00:22:22,233 --> 00:22:23,773 Paul should be here. 390 00:22:24,033 --> 00:22:26,133 I want to hear what he has to say. 391 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,330 And where is he? 392 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,770 He hounds me for a month, and then it's this 393 00:22:31,033 --> 00:22:33,603 last minute, one sentence, "can't make it" text. 394 00:22:33,666 --> 00:22:35,726 And why does that surprise you? 395 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,130 What? No. 396 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,170 -Paul is very reliable. -No, I mean 397 00:22:42,233 --> 00:22:46,273 why does it still surprise you to find yourself alone? 398 00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:51,096 You sit here with your patients, 399 00:22:51,166 --> 00:22:54,396 an audience to their joys and heartbreaks. 400 00:22:54,466 --> 00:22:57,166 There are echoes in their stories but every one is unique. 401 00:22:57,233 --> 00:23:00,233 Uniquely felt. Singular. 402 00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:02,300 And that perspective forces an understanding 403 00:23:02,366 --> 00:23:04,096 that loneliness is woven into 404 00:23:04,166 --> 00:23:07,126 the fabric of being human. 405 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,100 We become separate the moment we leave our mothers' bodies, 406 00:23:10,166 --> 00:23:13,766 and from that point on, one only has one's self. 407 00:23:16,166 --> 00:23:18,266 Isn't our job, at its heart, 408 00:23:19,366 --> 00:23:22,126 it isn't to teach our patients anything. 409 00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:25,200 It's to simply help them unearth 410 00:23:25,266 --> 00:23:28,366 what they already know about themselves. 411 00:23:28,433 --> 00:23:30,433 Their authentic nature. 412 00:23:31,266 --> 00:23:34,066 Their truth. 413 00:23:34,133 --> 00:23:37,433 So, yes, Paul could be sitting here right now. 414 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:40,000 He could have a lot to say. He could say nothing at all. 415 00:23:40,066 --> 00:23:43,766 He could cancel right before he was supposed to be here 416 00:23:44,033 --> 00:23:47,203 just like he did, and it wouldn't change a thing. 417 00:23:49,333 --> 00:23:51,473 Because, deep down, you know. 418 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:55,370 ♪ ♪ 419 00:24:00,233 --> 00:24:02,203 Your son doesn't want to be found. 420 00:24:07,066 --> 00:24:09,566 Why upend his entire life 421 00:24:09,633 --> 00:24:13,303 for some fantasy that won't be realized? 422 00:24:14,433 --> 00:24:17,303 To make yourself feel even worse? 423 00:24:20,633 --> 00:24:23,703 No matter what message you got from your mother... 424 00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:28,670 you don't have to be sad to be loved. 425 00:24:30,766 --> 00:24:34,526 The only way for you to experience real love 426 00:24:36,233 --> 00:24:39,273 is if you stop dimming your light. 427 00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:52,530 I'm sorry I can't make this okay for you. 428 00:24:54,366 --> 00:24:57,996 All I can do is encourage you to sit with your pain. 429 00:25:00,766 --> 00:25:03,126 Have patience with it. 430 00:25:05,033 --> 00:25:07,073 (echoing): Become steadfast in it. 431 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,700 Make it mean something. 432 00:25:16,233 --> 00:25:19,303 ♪ ♪ 433 00:25:50,033 --> 00:25:51,133 (puts down glass) 434 00:26:12,133 --> 00:26:15,203 ♪ ♪ 435 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:44,470 ♪ ♪ 436 00:27:11,433 --> 00:27:14,503 ♪ ♪ 30629

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