Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Waddup, brah?

- Hi, cutie. - Hey!

- Ho-o-o. - What you so happy for, stupid?

Y'all...kid, I just got a date with this girl Leena.

Yo, she is bad.

Kid, the perfect girl.

Thirty six.

Twenty four.

Wah-pow!

Thirty six.

What's that, her prison number?

[clapping]

- Hey, boys. - Hey-hey, Pops.

Where you going with that "Hawaii Five-0" shirt on?

Heya, pop, what you doing closing the diner

at 8:30 in the morning?

It's James Brown's birthday.

That may be a holiday they don't celebrate in Arizona

but we do here in New York.

I gotta get on a good foot, ow!

Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, si-ba-bi-ba-si-bo, pop.

Hang on.

We ain't buyin' it. What's really goin' on?

Alright, your mom's mom is coming into town

and I gotta get outta here.

Grandma Ellington's comin', pop?

Yeah, man, that broad has hated me

ever since I married your mama.

She even threw rice at me on our wedding day.

Pops, that's traditional.

Yeah, but it was still in the pot.

Hey, hey, pop, now look, that's our grandma.

Y'all promised me you ain't gonna start nothin', this time.

That's right, pop, don't start nothin', won't be nothin'.

- Come on. - Well, okay.

- Alright. - I promise.

- One love. - I'll be nice.

- Okay. - Alright, that's my man.

Grandma's in the hiz-house.

He-e-ey..

...my favorite mother-in-law.

Come on, give me a big kiss.

Negro, please.

My babies, ooh, gimme some sugar.

Oh, girl, look at you!

You are stylish.

[in unison] Okay!

Well, look at you, grandma with your pretty smile.

- Thank you. - Where'd you get teeth?

Home Shopping Network.

Isn't that the same place you got the hip.

Mm-hmm, two more easy payments and they're all mine.

- O-o-oh. - Look at that,papi.

Only two.

My.. My-my look at you two.

- So handsome. - Hey.

- Gettin' so big. - 'Maybe I am.'

I'm glad you took after my side of the family.

Otherwise you might've ended up lookin' like

Homie the clown here.

[laughing]

Boys, I know I promised

but does Dracula know you outta the castle?

You ain't nothin' but a punk.

Why don't you take your brittle butt back

to the corn field and give the scarecrow a lunch break?

- Wait, wait. - Come on.

I ain't scared of you, you ol' bag.

I just had my tetanus shot.

- Oh, wait. - You want some of this?

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you set trippin' off up in here?

Wait a minute, no, no, no, are you set trippin'..

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

[indistinct chatter]

[clamoring]

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite, that is..'

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

To the victor goes the spoils.

Fried cheese, two sticks of butter

and a cold cup of bacon grease.

If I didn't know you better I'd think you

trying to send me to a early grave.

Oh, I forgot the gravy.

Pops, wait a minute. Where is my breakfast?

- O-oh. - There you go.

Now, why couldn't your mama have married someone up-standin'.

Someone heroic. Like-like-like Shaft.

[laughing]

Well, I guess you could say you still got the shaft.

[laughing]

Did she say that, whoa!

[in unison] O-o-oh!

Well, at least I got you.

My two favorite grandsons out of it.

You know, with every curse comes a blessing.

- Amen! - 'Mm-hmm.'

Hey, grandma, remember when we was real little

you used to babysit us?

- Oh, yes. - 'Let us stay up real late.'

And then we, we'd watch those blacks in movies and get scared

'cause he had that nappy hair on him, yellow fangs.

He was like a vampire from Brooklyn.

And then, and then you'd sneak in my room and say

"Grandma, we wanna sleep with you

so you don't be scared."

[laughing]

Oh, Lord, and then Marlon wet the bed.

[laughing]

- He still does that. - Shut up!

[laughing]

Well, grandma, besides us

what-what made you come to New York?

After my second husband George died

I didn't wanna sit in that big, ol' house all by myself

so I.. I put it up for sale.

I need to be with family.

You know you got family in Transylvania.

Why don't you bend over let me give you a free ride

on the Reebok express, look.

Pow!

Pops!

- It's no way to talk to her. - Well, you're right.

You sound like a woman

who has good family values.

- What's your name? - Dee.

- You married? - No, haven't met the right one.

Ooh, I'm surprised, a woman like you.

You got enough for two men.

- Two? - Yes.

- Oh! - Ah! Can I get a five?

[laughing]

So, grandma, you stayin' with mom and Pops?

- Well, I-- - Well, I wish we could.

[giggling]

But, mom's outta town, and..

And the house is being, uh, ah, painted.

Uh, fumigated.

Hell, no, she ain't stayin' with me.

I wouldn't stay with you anyway.

I'm gonna be stayin' at a hotel.

That's nonsense, my grandma ain't stayin' at no hotel.

You gonna come stay with us.

That's right, you can even have Shawn's bed.

It's real comfy, grandma. Right, Shawn?

You crazy, she ain't..

Yeah. You can have my bed.

- So generous. - Aw-w!

- Thank you, babies. - Aw, you're welcome.

Come on, give grandma some of that.

[indistinct chatter]

(Shawn) 'Oh, God. No, she didn't!

'No, she didn't! Man!'

Grandma, what did you do?

They was just so big, I just took 'em up a little, honey.

A little? Grandma, it's the 90's.

Y-you know, saggy and baggy.

These pants are so tight a crack head

would have to drink slim fast to get in 'em.

[laughing]

Well, well, well, visitin' the artist formally known as Shawn.

[whooping]

- Who wants gumbo? - Oh, I do, grandma.

Sit down, baby. I got a big bowl for ya.

- Tuck in your napkin. - Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.

Here comes the plane.

[imitating a plane]

You are clear for landing.

Gotcha!

Well, I'd love to stick around and play

with you and Forrest Gump.

But I gotta go set my date back an hour.

That's probably how long it's gonna take me

to get outta these pants.

You meetin' that girl Stacy?

And how do you know Stacy?

- I sent her home. - You what?

Mm-hmm. She came by here half naked.

Her booty fallin' outta her skirt.

Booty was fallin' outta her skirt?

Yeah, she just didn't seem clean.

I'mma take you to church with me.

And introduce you to some real nice girls.

Judging by what I found around here

y'all need some saving, wo-o!

Amazin' grace.

[humming]

Hey, grandma, when you come back, can we do the boat.

- 'Yep.' - Yea-a-ah.

Man over board, man over board.

- I'll save him. - Will you cut it out?

Man, that lady's gotta go.

Come on, man. What, are you kiddin' me?

Look at this place, Shawn.

She's cookin', she's cleanin'.

Man, we've never had it this good.

[doorbell dings]

And it's just about to get better.

-Entre. - Hey, hey.

Wo-o-o! Look at you.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, look at you tiger self, Argh!

Uh, Leena, this is my brother Urkel

I mean, uh...Shawn.

Would you look at that!

You look like you hiding two midgets back there, girl.

Excuse me, would you, uh

stop droolin' on my date, thank you.

Yo, you think you can spot me three dollars?

Me and Leena wanna run for the border.

[laughing]

- You better peace out. - Come on, man.

I'll give you another peek at that booty.

[grunting]

Alright.

Peek first.

[exhales]

Hey, Leena, what you say we go get something hot to eat?

Oh, I got all the hot you need, big papa.

You know, I love it when you call me big papa, girl.

[giggling]

Ooh, my.

I see we got company here.

Oh, yeah, Grandma, me and Leena was gettin' something to eat.

Oh, it is so nice to see you.

[giggling]

Now that you're seein' a real girl

maybe you won't be needin' this anymore.

[laughing]

She found Blosephine.

- Who's that? - I found her under your bed.

Is this really yours?

- Umm. - Freak.

I.. Uh.. I..

No, no, wait, wait, Leena, wait. Hold on, wait, wait, Leena?

Damn!

You boys are headed for trouble. I'm gonna kill her.

(Marlon) 'No!'

Take that!

Clear!

[gasping]

No! No! No!

Don't you leave me.

[sobbing]

Why!

[sobbing]

Take me instead, Lord.

Take me instead!

Don't take my Blosie.

She never hurt nobody.

All she did was give pleasure.

Blosie, Blo..

[gasping]

That old woman is goin' down.

Damn! First she scares away my date.

- And now.. - She killed your wife.

- Ha ha ha ha. - Ho-o.

- Okay she gotta get outta here. - That's what I'm sayin', kid.

I'mma go over there and talk to her, she's getting outta here!

That's what I'm sayin. Handle your business, man.

Handle your business, do that.

- Hey yo, grandma! - Ye-yeah?

Shawn got something he wanna tell you.

Okay, but first I got something for you two.

Lookie, Shawn and Marlon cookies.

[laughing]

'Took me all day long to make these.'

Thank you, granny.

What y'all wanna talk to me about?

We just wanted to tell you, uh, thank you

for all the wonderful things you've been doing, you know.

Uh, you know, hemmin' our pants and gettin' rid of our girls

and tossin' our salad.

That's okay, I'm gonna run a tub

so you two can take a bath together like you used to do.

Yay!

Hey, grandma, don't forget the Mr. Bubbles.

- 'Okay.' - I'm gettin' my rubber ducky.

Marlon?

We gotta get rid of her, man.

But we can't just tell her to leave 'cause that's too mean.

We gotta figure out a way to make her wanna leave on her own.

Yeah, you're right.

Can we take our bath first?

- Ple-e-ease, brother, please. - Oh, Lord.

I knew this was a bad neighborhood when we moved in.

Please, brother, I ain't gots no more money.

Shut.. Pick up.. Give me the money.

[whimpering]

Don't, please, please, please.

- Please don't.. - Hurry up, grandma.

Just give me a minute to get my purse.

Here how about some mustard in your eyes?

[screaming]

Grandma, grandma, wait, wait, wait.

[babbling]

Grandma.

What are you up to? What are you up to?

Umm, umm, nothin'.

Oh, I got it. I got it.

- No, no. Wait, wait. - 'I got it.'

You two are tryin' to get rid of me.

It ain't even like that, grandma.

Then what was you doin'?

Well, we were, um, we were tryin'

to make a-a video for America's most--

Oh, no, no.

Alright.

We're busted, we were tryin' to get rid of you.

Well, if you wanted me to go

all you had to do was tell me!

I'm packin'. I'm outta here.

Well, kid. We did it.

[instrumental music]

[humming]

[scatting]

How can you be smiling at a time like this, Pops?

Because you boys have done something

I've been tryin' to do for thirty years.

Get rid of that old pit bull.

And because of that you get a slice of pie.

Uh, half off.

No thank you, pop.

I'm too upset to eat, man.

Okay, I'm gonna eat this pie.

But you still owe me 75 cents.

Man, Pops. I can't find grandma anywhere.

I checked the house, I called her friends.

I even looked at the bus depot.

It's like she disappeared.

Pop, I'm startin' to get worried, man.

Why don't you call the cops or somethin'.

Why don't y'all call the dog pound?

Pops, it's not funny anymore, man.

It's a cold city out there.

Yeah, man. Poor grandma.

She's probably gettin' rolled on by some bums for her money.

She ain't got no money now so she has to sell her old body.

And nobody wants to buy her old body

'cause it's all bloated.

Then she starts giving it away free and still nobody wants it.

Marlon.

Hey, Dee. You find anything?

Well, first I ran a check at the hospitals and airlines.

Then I ran checked out the hotels and bingo.

Finally I went to Chocolate City.

You know, the male strip club?

- Grandma wouldn't go there. - I know, I would.

Anyway, I found out that

she checked into The Golden Arms.

It's a rest home for senior citizens.

Who-o, even I wouldn't sink that low.

What do you care? You hate grandma.

That's right

but to drive her to a rest home is cold.

What're you boys planning for me when I get old?

Throw me in a roof cellar with a bag of peppers?

If you Menendez brothers would excuse me..

...I'm gonna go plan my retirement.

How could you two boys do that to that sweet old lady?

Have you ever seen how these people live?

Yeah, it ain't that bad.

I mean, they live in beautiful houses. They go datin'.

They sit around eatin' cheesecake and crackin' jokes.

- Where did you see that? - Golden Girls.

I am not talkin' about a sitcom, I'm talkin' about reality.

Those places are terrible.

They take away your dignity.

They over medicate you.

It's a waiting room for graveyards.

Why did I let you talk me into this?

Well, why didn't you talk me out of it?

Come on, man, let's go get her.

Oh, man!

'Boy, if you don't bring your behind, come on.'

I don't wanna go, it smells like prunes and mothballs.

[instrumental music]

Can't believe grandma didn't put our name on the visitors list.

Yeah, well, gettin' these costumes was a good idea.

It got us past those security guards.

Alright, well, let's go find her.

Let me get some of that ripple, dummy.

This for our dead homies.

From the looks of it there might be a couple more.

Ahem!

Hey, new meat.

Uh, what you want? Some beef jerky or somethin'?

No, baby, Nurse Swenson's gone, now's our chance

Our chance to do what?

To get busy.

You know, it's in the stars.

It's destined to be.

We gonna knock some boots tonight, honey.

I'm gonna make you scream.

I'm gonna make you holler.

I'm gonna make you beg.

- Like Keith Sweat, come on. - Oh, no.

- Yes. - Oh, no.

- Oh, yes. - Oh, no.

- Oh, yes. Oh, yes - Oh, help me.

- Help me, help me, please. - I'm gonna help you.

You must be our new resident, Mr. Kroger.

- Huh? - Mr. Kroger.

Oh..

That's Stanford G. Kroger to you.

Well, sir, it's time for your first treatment.

Oh, I'm sorry, my Alzheimer's

and my arthritis is kicking in.

I forgot what those treatments are.

It's your daily enema.

Then we're scoping you for polyps.

Huh? I don't even know what polyps is.

Get off me, before I give you five of these across your lips.

Oh, Lord, Elizabeth. This is the big one.

And I do mean the big one.

I'll come to join you, honey.

With Jumanji on my back and the pellets in my..

I think I found out what polyps was.

[panting]

I feel violated.

I was violated too.

And I liked it.

- Yo, kid, I'm stayin'. - What?

Hey, man, they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

That old freak in there just turned me out.

(Shawn) 'Hey, there's grandma.'

'Come on, let's go.'

- Hey, sweetie. - Get away from me, you!

- Hey! - Horny, old fool.

Grandma, it's me Marlon.

And Shawn.

More costumes?

Ain't y'all tired of playing tricks on me?

No, grandma, this is us for real.

Marlon and Shawn.

We made a mistake, can we take you back home with us?

I ain't goin' anywhere.

The two people I thought needed me the most

kicked me out.

This is where you come when you're not wanted.

Come on, grandma, you know we want you.

Come on, we made a mistake, alright?

Yeah, grandma, we were trippin'.

I mean, yeah, you were crampin' our style.

But we never meant to hurt you.

You know we got love for you, grandma.

You really want me to come home?

Most definitely.

Well, I got to admit

I-I had a part in this too.

I still think of you as my little babies.

Heh, yeah, so stop suckin' up and get my bag.

- 'Grandma?' - Huh?

I just wanna tell you that I always loved you.

Shawn was the bad man.

Oh, I know, I know, baby.

I got some word for you, when we get home.

- What did I do? - I know you put him up to it.

[indistinct chatter]

[techno music]

[music continues]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.