All language subtitles for The.Ms.Pat.Show.S01E02_English

- Can I tell y'all something?

The only thing I don't like
about being a mom

is having kids,

'cause they'll run
your ass ragged

and give your wig alopecia.

From football practice
to dentist appointment

to birthday parties

and other shit we just don't
give a fuck about.

And then they have the nerve
to leave they damn lunch money

at the house.

Like I'ma get out of my bed
and put on a bra

and bring it to the school.

Excuse me, do I look like
a white bitch named Hazel?

But at the end of the day,
we all know

that we would go to hell
and church and back

for our babies,

and in this episode,

you about to watch me
go to hell.

At least I ain't gotta go
to church.

Them niggas beg too much.

- Morning, superstar.

I made coffee.
You want a cup?

- Do a porcupine pussy poke?

- That would be a yes.

How was your show last night?

- It was good.

Just a bunch of plus-size girls
come up to me last night

talking 'bout, I represent
for the big girls.

- You don't like the big girls?

- I like 'em, but hell,

we might not be fat
for the same reason.

They probably ate too much.

My thyroids could be
fucking up.

- [laughs]

Hey, I got to get to work.

- Speaking of work,
when are you gonna take down

that "Golden Girl" wallpaper?

- I thought it was
"Gone With the Wind" wallpaper.

- They all white women
from the South, Terry.

- Well, baby, I'ma get on it

soon as I get home
from work, now.

- You been saying that.

Now, how this time
any different?

- It ain't.

Morning, baby girl.
- Morning.

- Hey, I'ma see you later,
all right?

- All right, Dad.
- Right.

- Why are you writing
that essay on paper

when we just got
the laptop fixed?

- I'm making a statement.

Not everyone has access
to a computer.

- But you do.

- Capitalism should be separate
from education, Mom.

- But common shouldn't be
separate from sense.

Why you always fight
for motherfuckers

you ain't gon' never meet?

- That's how change is made.

Like Dr. King, Malcolm X,
Medgar Evers.

- Can you name somebody
who's still alive?

Like Teena Marie.

- Who?

- Morning, Pat-Pat.

- What you huffing
and puffing about?

- I'm just having a bad time
with these dating apps.

Do you know how many
threesome requests

I got on Christian Mingle?

- Girl, that is between you,
God, and Joel Osteen.

- Now, you know God ain't
nowhere near Joel Osteen.

- Hang on, I gotta ask my mom.

Hey, can I go
to my friend Ryan's house

today after school?

- Hell no.
He can come over here.

I don't know what type
of freaky shit

Ryan mama and daddy into.

Your ass'll end up
sex trafficked

in South America somewhere.

- So you'll think about it?

- Get yo--

- ♪ Hop on, it's time to go

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show"

- Here's my essay.

- I told you it was
supposed to be emailed.

Why is it in
the incorrect format?

- Because this is exactly why

disadvantaged kids are
falling behind.

- Well, that is a good point.

Class, raise your hand
if you're falling behind.

Now raise your hand
if you're disadvantaged.

Ariel, your dad not giving you
that nose job

that you wrote about
does not apply.

Put your hand down.

See?

So who are you doing this for?

- Well, I guess I'm doing it
for you.

- The only thing you're doing
for me is saving me the trouble

of grading your paper.

- Improvising is a skill

that illustrates the capacity
to get the job done.

That should be encouraged,
not frowned upon.

[applause]

Thank you.

- I really love
that perspective.

- Great.

- But I still can't grade
this paper.

- [sighs]

You know, an educator
whose mind is closed

to new ideas isn't one
that I can learn from.

I'm leaving.

- Wait, Janelle.

Don't forget to take your F
with you.

The F stands
for falling behind.

- [sighs]

- Hey, Martha.

- Ah, hello, Mrs. Ca...

- Carson.
- Carson.

It's good to see you.

I mean, it's bad
that I have to see you

in the principal's office
'cause that means

somebody's in trouble,
but it is good to see you.

Good luck, J--Jay...

- Janelle.
- Janelle.

- What are you doing here?

Look, please do not
embarrass me.

- If I wanted to embarrass you,
I wouldn't have worn a bra,

and my titties would be
in a book bag.

- [laughs]
Mine would be in a coin purse.

- We know.

- Your principal called.
What did you do this time?

- He didn't call you about me.

I'm here filing a complaint
against my teacher.

- What type of white privilege
shit is that?

- Well, if it isn't
my favorite single mother!

That was a joke.

- Still not funny.

- Come on in.

So good news:

since our last little chat,

I found out
that convicted felons

actually can participate
in school activities.

- Now, how the hell is that
good news?

- Because now
you can participate.

Unless you're a sex offender.

You're not a sex offender,
are you?

- No, baby, but I've had
some offensive sex.

- Ew.

- Haven't we all?
- Ew.

- You know you could have just
called me with this, right?

- Yeah, but you would have
hung up on me.

- You right.

- So tonight is
the PTO meeting.

I'll see you there?
- No, I gotta work.

- No, she don't.
- Oh, what do you do?

- I'm a stand-up comedian.

- A comedian?
Wow!

Well, we can use
your fresh perspective

and humor around here.

- I get paid
for my fresh perspective.

- And you can still find time
to support your kids

by volunteering with us.

- So you want me to come
to a meeting tonight

with all these
pumpkin pie-eating,

no nutmeg-using, one egg
in the cornbread Susans?

- Oh, great,
you already know Susan.

- No.
- I'll see you tonight.

- So Mrs. Carson,

how many eggs are you supposed
to put in cornbread?

- Two.
- Two, okay.

What should I do
if it's egg substitute?

- Kill yourself.

- Kill...my...self.

- Anyways, I have a complaint
about my teacher

I'd like for you to read.

- Email it to me.

- Told your ass to use
that laptop.

- Are you sure you want
to do this, Pat?

I mean, we stick out
like real ass at a strip club.

- Your outfit ain't helping,

looking like Ho-time
at the Apollo.

- I had to get cute
in case I met a man.

- Cute for who?
Ain't no pimps in here.

- And apparently it ain't
no men either.

I mean, don't these kids
have daddies?

Where the zaddies at?

[laughs]
- Here come one.

Little dusty, but there go one.

- Hey, zaddy.

Uh-uh, girl,
we have got to go.

One of them Christian Mingles

who wanted a threesome
is up in here.

Come on.
- Where?

- That's him right over there.

- Girl, that is
Principal Horner.

- Well, Horner trying to put
bitches in corners.

- Girl, come on.
We gotta get involved.

- What is this
with cheese slices on top?

- I think it's supposed to be
a cheese dip.

- Well, hello and welcome!

I'm Elizabeth.
I'm the PTO chair.

Ooh, I see you guys are trying
Martha's famous mac and cheese.

- Is that what this is?
- Well, it's homemade.

- She should've left that shit
at home.

- So you guys must be new here.
- Mm-hmm.

- Are you a couple?

- A couple of what?
- A couple of nigga--

- I'm Pat.
This is my sister, Denise.

We moved here
a couple of months ago.

- Well, we're so glad
to have you.

- Thank you.
- [giggles]

Ooh, and I love your purse.

You know, I lost one
that was just like that--

[phone rings]

Is everything okay?
You found her diaper where?

- Your baby?
- No, my mom. Excuse me.

Well, how did she get
on the roof?

- Well, she was nice.
- Nice like a snake.

She think you stole that purse.
- No, she don't.

- Yes, she does,
and what she need to do

is find out who stole
her top lip,

'cause it is invisible.

I bet that punk-ass principal
done told everybody

up in here that we felons.

- What?

- Yes, I bet he said,
"Hide your kids and your"...

- That low-down, dirty m--

I tried to be nice coming
to your little Trump rally,

but you done went
and told everybody we felons.

- I didn't tell them anything.

- Well, then who did?

- I believe you just did.

- I'm Denise.

- Okay, folks,
let's get started.

- Look at her up there
judging us.

- Be quiet.

- The chair officially calls
this meeting to order.

Ooh, and exciting news.

It's time for our annual
coupon book fundraiser.

- Can we go before they put us
to work?

- Hey, if we leave now,
they gonna remember we felons.

- I'm good with that.

- Look, Janelle is having
a hard time

at this school fitting in.

Mama never was there for us.
I'm gonna be here for my child.

- And the winner
of this year's competition

gets a new air fryer.

- And them white people
giving away free shit.

- Now, I fucks with that.

- Ooh...

Oh...Pat, I know you're new
to the community,

so you don't have
to participate.

- Oh, no, I want to.

- I can just give
the extras to Martha.

- Oh--
- Martha,

sit your goofy ass down.

Nice to meet you.

- Hey, Dad, can I get
some money,

so I can ride my bike to get
me and Janelle some burgers?

- There's food on the stove,
son.

- I know, but Mama made it.

- Ooh, get me something, too.

Bring me back
my damn change, boy.

- Boy, where you going?
- To get some burgers.

- I made a pot of chili
for dinner.

- Get me a number two.

- Really, Denise?

- Well, when we were little,
I learned how to cook dinner,

and you learned
how to cook the books.

- But I can make chili.

Son, get me a number three
with extra pickles.

- Wassup, soccer moms?
How'd it go?

- Them crow-feet-faced bitches.

- The caucacity.

- And when they found out
we was felons--

- How did they find out?
- Denise let it slip.

And then they tried to take
the fundraiser from me.

I can sell just as many coupons
as they can.

- Well, you gonna have to sell
more than them

if you want to win
that air fryer.

- An air fryer?

Pat, you know good
and damn well you don't need

nothing in that kitchen
you can't cook on.

- Kiss my ass, Terry.

- In front of Denise?
'Cause you know I'll do it.

Come here.
- Stop!

Don't you put your hands on me.
- Come here!

- You best believe I'ma win
that damn air fryer,

and I'ma be the best
damn coupon mama there is.

- You got that right, baby.

Move, negro.

- What are you doing?

- I'm about to watch
the Bulldogs game I recorded.

- I thought
you was gonna finish

taking down that wallpaper.

- I'm taking a break
to watch the game.

- They lost by a field goal
in overtime.

- Damn, baby, you done ruined
the game!

- Well, you're free now.
Come on.

Get back to work.
- [laughs]

- [groans]

- Move, nigga.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey!
- Hey!

I'm sorry.

I already bought
from Elizabeth.

She gets us every year.

- Do you know Jesus?
- Yes, ma'am.

- He sent these.

- You don't even know Jesus.

- Shut the fuck up.
- Let me think about it.

- Look, man, these damn coupons
selling faster

than Popeyes
chicken sandwiches.

- Or maybe you could buy one
for your wife

or your side bitch.

- Excuse me?

I don't have a side anything.

- Oh, well, maybe we can
fix that.

Think about it.

- Girl, come on.

We selling coupon, not old ass.

- Oh, no thank you,

but would you like to come in
for a cup of tea?

- No, bitch, we saw that movie.

Bring your ass home, girl.

- [grunts]

- How's my loving daddy?
- Depends.

How much it's gonna cost me?

- Just 20 minutes of your time

for a parent-teacher
conference tomorrow.

- Did you tell your mom?

- No.
- Why?

- Because she might
actually come.

- Good point.

- These PTO Patties out here
killing these streets.

- I know what'll make you
feel better.

Two-for-one massage!

You pay for one,
and I get one free.

- Where'd you get
a coupon from?

You capping off the top?

- No, I bought it
from Elizabeth.

She good, Pat.

- You so weak.
I see how you got on dope.

- I'm guessing sales aren't
going well.

- Nah, they're not going
at all.

- If we don't win
the air fryer,

them women gonna look down
on us.

- You must've lost your touch

'cause I remember nobody could
outhustle Rabbit

back in the day.

- I don't like
when people call me Rabbit,

and Rabbit is dead.

- Well, you gon' need
to wake her ass up

if you want to win
that air fryer.

I remember
when you used to be able

to sell straightening combs
to bald bitches.

- You know what, Denise?
You right.

I'm tired of playing
them PTO mamas' game.

I'ma show up how we used
to get down

when we was back in the A.

And bitch, you owe me
for a straightening comb.

- Mr. Carson, I'm Jerry.

The kids, they call me
Mr. Bradford.

- [scoffs]
That ain't all we call you.

- It's good to meet you,

but my wife just came by here
the other day.

Do y'all get paid by
the parent-teacher conference?

- We barely get paid.

So, Janelle, do you know
why you're here?

- Yeah, I walked out of class.

I mean, yes, sir.

- Well, I want to discuss

why Janelle thinks she's being
treated differently.

I treat all my students
the same.

- Aren't all teachers
supposed to believe

all their students
aren't the same?

- Well, yeah,
they're not, but--

- Then having one rule apply
to them all is hypocritical.

- Janelle.

I'm sorry, she gets her mouth
from her mother.

- The rules have been in place
for a long time.

- Just because it's old
doesn't make it right.

I mean, times change.

People change.

Shouldn't the rules change
with them?

I mean, they even amended
the Constitution.

- Dang, she's good.

- I know.

- Look, you are not
in trouble, Janelle.

- She's not?
- I'm not?

- No.

In fact, I'm impressed
with your ability

to articulate your points.

- Thank you?

- Your complaint against me was
probably one of the best essays

I read all year,

and it's hard to top Ariel's
well-written nip/tuck fantasy.

- What in the hell
kind of school is this?

- And I'll allow you
to turn in your paper on paper.

However, I would like for you
to join the debate team, hmm?

I'm the faculty advisor,
and we could use

your strong voice on our squad.

- [laughs]
All right, strong voice.

See, she gets that from me.

So is that debate team
any good?

- [laughs]
We're a work in progress.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's a hard no.

- Yeah, but that could change
with you on our team.

So what do you say?

- No.

I mean, no thank you.

I'd rather take a zero.

- And I'd rather be married
to Regina King,

but your mama act
like Don King.

- Don King is way quieter
than Mama.

- Man, this is
just like old times,

except instead of crack,
it's coupon books.

- I don't see nobody
sucking dicks for no coupons.

- Wait, no, don't even.

- Keep the product coming,
boys.

- Wait, why are we
doing this again?

- Because those ladies are
selling their coupons

for $20 a book,

so I'm stepping on these
and selling 'em three for $20.

- Yeah, that's what she used
to have to do to compete

with Swisha Sweet back
in the day.

- Swisha Sweet?

- Child, he's the El Chapo
of the ghetto.

- Child, less talking,
more working.

Come on over here.

Denise, you gon' hit up
them AA meetings

and sling them liquor coupons.

- Wait, Mama, isn't that--
- That's supply and demand.

Mind ya business.
Shut the fuck up.

Ryan, you gon' hit the gym

and sling them chicken
and biscuit coupons.

- Got it, Ms. Carson.

- And Junebug, you gon' go over
to the old folks' home

and work that little bit
of cuteness you still got left.

And if you see anybody slinging
coupons in your territory,

you let 'em know that you work
for Rabbit,

and Rabbit don't hop.

[knocking]

- Oh, shit!
- Shit!

Hide that shit.

- Put it up, put it up!
Put it in the drawer.

- Wait, wait, wait, Pat.

It's just coupons.

- Oh, shit.
I was having flashbacks.

Y'all didn't hear them sirens?

- It's probably just Ryan's mom
coming to pick him up.

- Yeah.

- You need to tell your mama
to learn how to knock

on Black people doors.

Like the damn police.

I'ma sell her a coupon
for a manicure

for them wolf hooves she got.

Hi.

- Oh, hi.
I didn't know you lived here.

- Neither do the repo man.

I didn't know
Junebug was your son.

- His name is Junebug.

You couldn't tell
that it was her son?

- Come on in.
We don't bite.

- Oh, and hey, look, I found
that purse I was talking about.

- The one you thought I stole?

- Why would you think that?
It was just a compliment.

- Yeah, Pat, who told you
that shit?

- How are your sales going?
- Good.

- Wait, why are you defacing
these coupon books, Ryan?

- Junebug and I were helping
Ms. Carson step on the books

so she can sell more,
like El Chapo.

- Excuse me,
what did you just say?

- Trying to get chopped-o?

- You're stepping on the books?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes, I know what that means.
I watch "The Wire."

And you're enlisting
the children?

- Just like "The Wire."
We're killing it.

- Oh, actually, what you're
doing is breaking the rules.

Although I suppose
I shouldn't be surprised.

- What is that supposed
to mean?

- Come on, Ryan.
We're leaving.

Listen, I know you're new here,

and you don't know
how things go,

but you shouldn't be turning
our fundraiser

into one
of your little street hustles.

- [gasps]

- Bye, guys.
Thank you for--

- Did she just call me a nigga?

Give me some of them cookies.
I got feelings to eat.

- Looks like you're already
full of feelings.

- Go play in traffic.
My thyroid's messing up.

- What's wrong, Mom?

- I hate it here,
that's what's wrong.

You ever watch
"Leave It to Beaver"?

- What?
[laughs nervously]

No.

I don't watch porn.

- What the hell?
Not that kind of beaver.

They made that a porn?

- I wouldn't know.

- Anyway, it was all
about the Cleavers.

They lived
in a nice neighborhood,

and they mama was nothing
like mine.

She wouldn't have never
fed them chicken's ass

and called it negro nuggets.

And now that I'm living
in a place like this,

I don't feel the same.

- Wait, so you feel
like you don't belong?

- I know I belong.

I worked my ass off
to get here.

- Okay, well, if you belong,

then why do you have
to prove it?

Just be yourself
and be honest about it.

- You know what, son?

You right.

- For what?

- For letting me know
being me is enough.

I got books to sell.
- So I helped?

- Yes, you did, baby,

and Mama got a little bit
of advice for you, too.

- Oh. Okay.

- When you getting ready
to eat dinner tonight,

make sure you wash
your little nasty-ass

"Leave It to Beaver" hands.

[knocking]

- Come in.

- Hey.

I bought you
a congratulatory cupcake

and a Diet Fizz.

- For what?

- For changing your mind
about joining the debate team.

- Really?

You're bribing me
with a cupcake?

- And a Diet Fizz.

- Why would I do that?

So they can meet
their diversity quota?

"Oh, look at our exceptional
Black woman we saved."

- But you are exceptional,

and I get why you don't want
nobody to use that,

but maybe you should use it
for yourself.

What is it you want to do
in life?

- I want to go to law school.

I want to be a judge.

- Good, your mama's side always
needs a free lawyer.

- I didn't say anything
about free.

- The debate team would be
good practice,

not to mention look good
on your résumé.

- That team just wants
to use me.

- Mm, that teacher believes
in you, Janelle.

- He should,
'cause your girl drips sauce.

- Well, let them taste
that sauce.

That didn't come out right.
- No.

- Ain't nobody tasting
your sauce till you 49.

- 49?
- Make it 60.

What I'm trying to tell you
is, use these people.

Don't let them use you.

And there maybe even be some
scholarship money involved.

You know, it's never too early

to start saving
your daddy's money.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

You make a good argument.

- I do?

- Yeah.

You get that from me.

- So you'll join?

- I might,

but I'll only be doing it
for my mama's people.

And that cupcake.

- Damn, I thought you forgot
about that.

See, this is a yes cake.

That is "I'll think about it."

- You really don't have
to do this.

- Yes, I do.

- Mrs. Carson.
- Mrs. Elizabeth.

- Let's bring this meeting
to order.

- What are you doing?
- I have something to say.

- Couldn't you say it
from your seat?

- I'm already up here now.
I'm old.

May I?

[grunts]

Should've moved the first time.

Before you announce the winner
of this year coupon sale,

I have something to say.

- You don't have to.
- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't.
- Shut your ass up.

I sold 200 books.

I mean, I stepped on,
cut up in order to do so.

- [gasps]
She cut up the books?

That's a really good idea.

- You sold 200 books?

No one's ever sold 200 books.

- Sorry, we can't accept
your money

since you broke the rules.

- Actually,
we're self-sponsored,

so there are no rules.

- See, I told your ass
you didn't need to apologize.

- Um, where's the money?

- My sister have it.
- Ah.

- I know what you gonna do
with that.

- Oh.

- Well, I'm--

- Sorry for making up rules,
trying to make me feel bad?

- Well, to be honest,
I just didn't want you to win.

The PTO's been my thing
for years.

- Oh, so you just
an insecure bitch?

I thought you was judging me
for being a felon.

- I can't say it didn't give me
reason to pause,

but I had the same reaction
when I found out

that Martha, Susan, and Davis
had records.

- Well, I guess
I judged you guys wrong, too.

I didn't know we was family.

- That is an incredible amount
of money.

- Thank you.

- Pat Carson...

you are a welcome addition
to our PTO.

Yay!

- Yay!
Go, Rabbit!

Oh, good, go, Rabbit!
Go, Rabbit! Go, Rabbit!

- You should give Denise
that air fryer.

- Hell no.
Why?

- Because you don't know
what to do with it, Pat.

It's not an Easy-Bake Oven.

- I'm 'bout to air fry me
a cake.

- You 'bout to air fry you
a mistake.

Oh, wow--oh, my goodness,
niece!

- You see it.
- I do see it!

- You see it.
- Yes!

It is cu--I can't do it.
I tried.

This shit is ugly.

- It's the debate team uniform.

- You joined?
- Yeah.

- That's my girl!

both: Ah, ah, ah, bah!

- [laughs]

- Now, I'm still gonna fight,

but now I do
the kind of fighting

that looks good on my résumé.

- Smart,

I wish I could put
beating white bitches

for a air fryer on my résumé.

- That wouldn't be a résumé.
That would be a rap sheet.

- A rap sheet is a résumé.

- And your GED's
a college degree.

- Run.

- Did she just call me a nigga?

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't
take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ With a husband and kids

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show

♪