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(birds chirping)
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("Oppression" by Ben Harper playing on radio, muffled)
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♪ ... how you sleep, oppression ♪
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♪ For your bleeding conscience ♪
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♪ I weep, oppression ♪
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Colin (singing along): You may have the dollar on your side...
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♪ Oppression ♪
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(muffled music)
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♪ You cannot hide, and oppression ♪
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♪ I won't let you near me ♪
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♪ No, oppression ♪
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♪ You shall learn to fear me ♪
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♪ Yes, you will, oppression ♪
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♪ You shall fear me ♪
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♪ Yeah ♪
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(mouthing)
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Yes!
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(scoffs)
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(light piano playing)
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♪
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-How's the week been? -Uh, good!
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Yeah, I've been swimming a lot, which is nice.
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Trying to get back in shape.
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And I'm-I'm sorry about last week, too, yeah.
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-It's fine. -Such a-- I-I don't know, I...
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I'm ready to move forward.
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(sighs)
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So, swimming?
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-Anything else? -Um...
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You know, taking stock.
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Just finally getting a chance to step back,
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take a deep breath. "Wow, okay.
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Here I am. This is my life."
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How did I get here? And what can I do
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differently going forward?
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And where did those questions take you?
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Well, basically, I made a mistake.
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I feel like my job now is to make it right however I can.
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That means living my life in an honest way.
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You know, maybe staying away from elements
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that made me drift, you know, um...
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off track. (laughs)
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But also,
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how can I put some good into the world?
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How can I leave it better than I found it? I mean, look at you.
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You know, you help people.
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You get people healthy up here.
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Up here.
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(laughs) What's my "that"?
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You know, what's my way of chipping away at the pain
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and the things that aren't right? And, you know,
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-I've been thinking a lot about single-use plastics. -Hm.
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(laughs) It's crazy, I know, but they're, they're terrible.
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So maybe that's an area where I could lend a hand.
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Now, you said something really interesting a second ago.
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"How did I get here?
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And what can I do differently going forward?"
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And that's exactly what I'm here to help you explore,
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and I think those two ideas are intertwined.
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Oh, completely, yeah.
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So, starting with how you got here,
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what did you come away with?
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What I came away with was...
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that was a different guy.
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I no longer relate to that person.
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You know, this experience,
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you know, going away for a while?
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It's changed me for the better.
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You think the time in prison was good for you?
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Because I know you had some trouble.
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Growing pains. An adjustment.
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I see what I did was wrong, and, uh...
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I'm never going to do it again.
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It's time to let go of the past and look to the future.
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Well that's a big shift from last week.
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You know, letting go of the past, which I whole-heartedly
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endorse, is different from
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-ignoring it and-- -Oh no. I...
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I own it. I did those things.
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I just don't need to dwell on them.
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You know, I'm grateful to you.
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For helping me see that.
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And I am so grateful
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we have these sessions together to,
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you know, take that even further.
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Okay.
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So, what-- Ooh! Shit!
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-Ah... -You okay?
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Uh, sorry. It's a... (inhales)
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It's a back thing. Uh...
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I took an online exercise class,
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and...
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tweaked something. It's fine.
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Uh, so tell me about the time inside.
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How do you think it transformed you?
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Uh, well, it's just
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an unpleasant-- You know,
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it's a place you don't wanna return to.
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You sure you're alright?
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Would it bother you terribly if we switched seats?
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I-I just think maybe the couch would be better.
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-Oh, no! Uh, yeah. Sure. -Thanks.
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-It'll pass. It's just... -Right.
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Just seizes up, and (laughs) it'll subside.
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-Sounds like a pinched nerve. -Oh!
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-Hm. -I got really into bodywork for a while.
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You wanna see if I can loosen you up?
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No.
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-Okay. -It's fine.
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Just keep talking,
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or don't talk. (laughs)
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Just need a second to breathe.
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Uh, is this chair higher up?
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-I don't think so. -I feel so powerful.
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(stilted accent): "I'm the captain now."
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You see that movie? Tom Hanks, Somali pirates.
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(stilted accent): "I'm the captain now!"
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(laughs)
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-Is that better for you? -Oh, sorry! Yeah. Mm-hmm.
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So, where were we?
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Mm, exercise.
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You're pushing yourself, but what were you pushing towards?
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-(laughs) -Or more importantly, what were you pushing away from?
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-Don't get it twisted. -(laughs)
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That's still my chair, even if I'm sitting over here.
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(Austrian accent): You know, tell me, Brooke,
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have you had any interesting dreams lately?
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Okay. (clears throat) Um...
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Well, the other night,
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I dreamt that I was
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remodeling my house myself.
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But when I tore down the walls,
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I realized I didn't know how to do the things that I had to do.
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And then I woke up and I was relieved
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because I didn't have to do any of that.
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Mm.
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-Uncle Touchy stayed over sometimes, didn't he? -(laughs)
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Now, it's your turn.
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Okay, sure.
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Uh, I do have this thing where it's...
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guess you'd call it a nightmare, the content of which
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-is utterly meaningless. -I'll be the judge of that.
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No, it's abstract. Just...
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random nonsense, but every time, I wake up like, bam!
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My heart's pounding,
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fucking full sweat,
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like a gun had just went off next to my head.
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How often is that?
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I don't know, two times a week.
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Sounds like PTSD patients I've treated.
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-No shit. -Hm.
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And you said
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-the content is... -It's nothing! It's just an image!
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One time, it was The Beatles' "White Album," just the cover,
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spinning in a gray void. I woke up screaming.
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Once-- Oh, this was recently, actually.
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It was two identical Art Garfunkels
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giving each other head.
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I have to be honest. I have no idea what to do with that.
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And this wasn't current-day Garfunkel.
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It was, you know, mid-'60s, peak afro.
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Oh God, I don't know if that's...
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Is that offensive? Afro?
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-Not to me. -(laughs) Alright, I can't keep up!
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Anyway, I met him once.
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-Garfunkel? -Yeah. When I was a kid, like 10.
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-My parents knew him? -W...
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Why don't we get back to the waking up terrified?
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Yeah, it's wild.
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I can't really think of many times
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in my waking, real-world life...
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where I've been that afraid.
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Trauma can be acute.
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Sudden. A car crash.
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Sometimes, it can be drawn out, like...
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I don't know,
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prison, for instance.
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(chuckles) Yeah.
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It-it wasn't really for me. It wasn't like...
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I mean, I wasn't raped, just to get that out there.
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Well, I'm glad to hear that.
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But, having the experience of
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your whole world disappearing,
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of incarceration, that can be traumatic in and of itself.
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Yeah, I found it more...
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boring. Which is good, right?
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I mean, you never wanna say,
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"Man, I had such an exciting day in prison."
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Tell me about the monotony then.
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-You don't want to hear about the monotony. -(laughs) I know
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it's only our second session, but...
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I feel like I can say with some confidence
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that you have a pretty lousy gauge
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of what I will and will not
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find interesting.
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Fair enough.
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I spent most of the time in my cell.
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Kept to myself. It was fuckin' dull.
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You know, keep your head down, stay out of trouble,
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-get into a rhythm... -You didn't though.
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But you didn't keep your head down, stay out of trouble.
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Well, you know, I sort of fell apart,
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-but we talked about that. -Not really.
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-Uh, I just freaked out. -Out of nowhere?
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Basically.
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Work with me, Colin.
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(sighs) Well, when I got in, my lawyers and everyone...
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you know, it was like play it out, fly under the radar,
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you'll get out early, and so on.
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And I was perfect for six months.
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I mean, gold stars all around.
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-And then? -So,
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they have this computer lab sort of thing
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with the world's shittiest desktops.
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You can surf the internet.
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Email family. No pornography, sadly.
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But this is a privilege for the, ahem, well-behaved.
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So, for whatever reason,
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I decide to go on and see what, if anything,
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people are saying about me.
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And the first thing that pops up is this tweet.
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This screed from this disgruntled tech writer.
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This god-awful woman I'd met a handful of times,
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and she had written this thing about me...
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that was not kind.
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And I flipped out.
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It's like my blood was on fire.
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What did it say?
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Oh, I don't know. It-it just bugged me,
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you know, 'cause it wasn't true,
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and everyone was jumping onboard.
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"Fuck yeah. Fuck that guy."
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You know, I couldn't do anything.
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It was like everything I had built for 20 years was suddenly... pfft!
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Well, wasn't that true the day you were arrested?
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-No, this was different. -What was different about it?
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Well, I don't know, you know,
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when Martha Stewart went to jail, no one was like,
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"That bitch can't cook!"
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You know? No one said
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her fuckin' centerpieces were dog shit.
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-So it was about your work? -Yes! Me, my work, yeah.
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Taking my entire personhood and dragging it through
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three feet of rancid medical waste
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just for the sheer pleasure of it.
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And that's when you started acting out?
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-File said you assaulted a guard. -I spit in her face.
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-That is an assault. -Sure, and I'm not-- I'm not defending it.
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It's just assault sounds, to me, like punching
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or groping and... There's a backstory.
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It was this guard. She's Puerto Rican.
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Came from nothing, and I was trying to help her out.
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You know, give her some business advice.
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Useful information on how to manage her money.
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We were friendly!
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You know, I thought I was helping.
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She tells some higher-up
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I was trying to bribe her. That she--
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You know, I wanted something in return,
260
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,670
which is completely... (laughs)
261
00:11:44,733 --> 00:11:47,573
'Cause what could she do? She's nobody.
262
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:49,403
Best case is she does the opposite
263
00:11:49,466 --> 00:11:50,996
of what she actually did do,
264
00:11:51,066 --> 00:11:53,226
and tells her superiors I'm a model prisoner,
265
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,730
which I fuckin' was, by the way.
266
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,230
So my lawyers get word that this will
267
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:01,000
compromise my case for early release.
268
00:12:01,066 --> 00:12:03,726
I spit in her face...
269
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,470
(sighs) Which added time onto my sentence,
270
00:12:06,533 --> 00:12:08,633
just a few weeks, but still.
271
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,300
Yeah. That is when my behavior
272
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,496
deteriorated a little bit.
273
00:12:15,566 --> 00:12:17,266
What did that look like?
274
00:12:19,133 --> 00:12:22,403
Like a 50-year-old man having
275
00:12:22,466 --> 00:12:26,326
a thorough emotional disintegration.
276
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,200
And what did that look like?
277
00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:33,373
You know, honestly, I...
278
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:36,703
-I find this difficult to even-- even think about. -Because?
279
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,503
Well, because it's fucking embarrassing.
280
00:12:40,566 --> 00:12:43,396
Shame is powerful. It's a tough one.
281
00:12:43,466 --> 00:12:45,996
But, rarely does it ever sound as bad
282
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,766
when said out loud as it does in your head,
283
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,773
so can you push through it?
284
00:12:52,366 --> 00:12:54,366
(scoffs)
285
00:12:54,433 --> 00:12:57,333
I was a screaming mess.
286
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,170
I wouldn't put my clothes on. I wouldn't shower.
287
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:04,170
I shit all over myself, all over my cell.
288
00:13:05,766 --> 00:13:07,496
I was like an animal.
289
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,700
And then, when I was at my lowest point,
290
00:13:11,766 --> 00:13:15,296
pancaked 10 feet below rock bottom,
291
00:13:15,366 --> 00:13:18,126
I got my ass kicked by another inmate.
292
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:22,496
Did the two of you have a history?
293
00:13:22,566 --> 00:13:25,296
No, no. I never spoke to him before.
294
00:13:25,366 --> 00:13:26,566
This guy?
295
00:13:26,633 --> 00:13:29,133
He was always looking for a fight.
296
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,430
PJ.
297
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:34,330
Nickname short for Pineapple Juice. The, uh...
298
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:38,530
"legend" about him was that he'd gotten in initially for...
299
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,130
(laughs) stealing a can of pineapple juice
300
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,630
from a convenience store.
301
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:44,600
He only got a few days, but once he got inside,
302
00:13:44,666 --> 00:13:47,726
he kept getting in fights and, you know, more time, more time,
303
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,470
more time.
304
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,730
And, you know, I'm stuck in there.
305
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,770
And all these people are saying shit about me on the outside,
306
00:13:56,033 --> 00:13:57,433
and I can't do anything.
307
00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:00,100
I feel completely fucking powerless.
308
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,473
And that's when I pass Mr. Pineapple Juice
309
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:06,373
on the second floor walkway, and, um...
310
00:14:06,433 --> 00:14:09,273
He just sort of bumps me out of the way, and I just...
311
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:14,000
(sighs) It was like somebody
312
00:14:14,066 --> 00:14:16,066
reached into my brain
313
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:19,003
and plucked a string.
314
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:22,426
-I went nuts. -You provoked him?
315
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,630
I told him his mom
316
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:27,300
sucked dog dick, something like that.
317
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,066
-A man with that kind of reputation? -(sighs)
318
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:31,033
These things happen fast. The words come out
319
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,300
before you know it.
320
00:14:32,366 --> 00:14:34,496
I mean, I guess I must've known on some level
321
00:14:34,566 --> 00:14:38,096
that he was going to do something.
322
00:14:38,166 --> 00:14:40,996
But I didn't know he was gonna throw me over a railing.
323
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,566
(sighs) That's horrific.
324
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,433
Yeah, you have no idea.
325
00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:50,073
I had some cracked vertebrae.
326
00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:53,233
The doctor said if I'd landed at just a slightly different angle,
327
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,500
it would've been lights out.
328
00:14:55,566 --> 00:14:58,326
Call me crazy, but I think we stumbled on
329
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,570
the source of your bad dreams.
330
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,403
Uh, yeah.
331
00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:05,573
Colin, that is...
332
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,700
I am so sorry you went through that.
333
00:15:14,133 --> 00:15:18,673
Thank you, but it's fine. I was okay.
334
00:15:18,733 --> 00:15:21,573
When you were talking about what lead up to the altercation,
335
00:15:21,633 --> 00:15:25,433
you mentioned... feeling powerless?
336
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:29,130
-And that you couldn't do anything. -Oh, yeah.
337
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,570
That asshole lady in the tweet,
338
00:15:30,633 --> 00:15:32,773
what people were saying about me.
339
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,003
Yeah, I had to get outta there, and anything I did to accelerate
340
00:15:36,066 --> 00:15:38,226
that process only prolonged it.
341
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:41,570
Yeah, and then you provoked a fight with the guy.
342
00:15:41,633 --> 00:15:44,673
Were you, maybe in some way, trying to take back control
343
00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:47,233
of what people were saying about you?
344
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,230
Do you mean like, "Colin Craft,
345
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:51,770
victim of a brutal prison attack, poor guy"?
346
00:15:52,033 --> 00:15:54,633
Mm, no, no, no. I'm not that clever.
347
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:57,670
I don't know, Colin. You seem pretty clever.
348
00:15:57,733 --> 00:15:59,373
I'm not that clever.
349
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:01,633
And you don't remember what it was
350
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:03,170
that this woman wrote?
351
00:16:03,233 --> 00:16:05,503
Oh, let me think. It was like...
352
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:10,573
Um, "Colin Craft is..." And this woman,
353
00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:13,233
she has considerable influence in the tech world.
354
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:14,630
She's a tastemaker of sorts,
355
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:17,700
even though she's a myopic nutcase.
356
00:16:17,766 --> 00:16:19,466
Oh, and she's a star-fucker, too.
357
00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:21,573
Yeah, every time the company du jour
358
00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:23,133
has a software update,
359
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,130
she's falling over herself, praising their
360
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,230
"vision for the future." And I'm like, oh, fuck you. They...
361
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:31,170
You know, they made the send button bigger!
362
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:32,673
Whatever. And, you know,
363
00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:34,533
when I was riding high, she was at
364
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,730
all my birthday parties, all my...
365
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:41,333
It doesn't matter.
366
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,200
She wrote this thing. Um, "Colin Craft is--" No.
367
00:16:45,266 --> 00:16:46,696
(laughs) No. "Colin Craft
368
00:16:46,766 --> 00:16:49,266
has never been convincing as a visionary."
369
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:50,573
Something like that.
370
00:16:50,633 --> 00:16:52,533
"A broken clock is right twice a day.
371
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,370
"Colin Craft was right once.
372
00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:57,403
I'm not holding my breath for a second stroke of good luck."
373
00:16:57,466 --> 00:17:00,766
-Wow. -(laughs) And it went on. It went on, it kept going.
374
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:02,503
"He has the same nose for business
375
00:17:02,566 --> 00:17:04,696
"that an average street vendor has
376
00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:06,566
"for hocking knockoff handbags.
377
00:17:06,633 --> 00:17:09,733
"No one should shed a tear for this con man,
378
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,170
"who is now doing a sabbatical in Club Fed
379
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,503
on the taxpayers' dime."
380
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:25,330
Something like that.
381
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,000
She pulverized me.
382
00:17:28,766 --> 00:17:30,196
Now, I don't say this
383
00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:33,266
often in clinical settings, but...
384
00:17:34,466 --> 00:17:36,066
-Fuck! -(laughs)
385
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:37,603
Yeah! Right?
386
00:17:37,666 --> 00:17:41,066
And that last line? I mean, I'm-I'm-I'm living in cinder block hole,
387
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:43,303
cut off from everybody I know, completely miserable.
388
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,696
She makes it sound like I'm in a fuckin' hammock!
389
00:17:45,766 --> 00:17:48,196
Me and the, you know, American Psycho Wall Street crowd
390
00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:51,366
trading stock tips. That fucking cu...
391
00:17:53,133 --> 00:17:55,603
See, this is the type of situation where I would
392
00:17:55,666 --> 00:17:57,426
-use a certain word. -Mm.
393
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:01,400
(laughs) I appreciate the restraint.
394
00:18:01,466 --> 00:18:03,726
And out of everything that she said, it was the Club Fed line
395
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,530
-that got you, huh? -Shit, everything got me!
396
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,700
You know, I did something wrong, this is my punishment,
397
00:18:08,766 --> 00:18:10,266
I'm enduring it.
398
00:18:10,333 --> 00:18:12,603
And people are out there saying it isn't that bad?
399
00:18:12,666 --> 00:18:13,996
And then you picked a fight
400
00:18:14,066 --> 00:18:17,526
with a man you described as a psycho.
401
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:20,130
-And these things don't seem related to you? -(scoffs)
402
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,370
Like I said, I'm not that clever.
403
00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:24,773
-And even if I was, it didn't work. -What do you mean?
404
00:18:25,033 --> 00:18:26,373
Because I read the shit they were saying
405
00:18:26,433 --> 00:18:28,003
about me online after, and it was all like,
406
00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:30,366
"Oh, he had it coming." And praising the guy
407
00:18:30,433 --> 00:18:32,533
who did it. That sort of thing.
408
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,670
That must've been painful.
409
00:18:36,566 --> 00:18:38,266
-(sighs) -(drops hands)
410
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,570
And after that?
411
00:18:41,633 --> 00:18:43,773
After that, I went back to my trance.
412
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:46,133
The monk with manners.
413
00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:49,433
And then this fuckin' pandemic comes around,
414
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:51,700
and the whole world gets locked up,
415
00:18:51,766 --> 00:18:54,396
and I get set free.
416
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:58,296
-What was it like being inside when it hit? -It's terrifying.
417
00:18:58,366 --> 00:19:01,126
Old fuckers are dropping like flies.
418
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,700
I got some heart stuff.
419
00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:06,026
Nothing scary, a little arrhythmia.
420
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:10,200
Probably from doing too many stripers as a young man.
421
00:19:10,266 --> 00:19:12,666
Uh, my lawyers, they jumped on it, and voilà.
422
00:19:12,733 --> 00:19:16,233
That's how I landed on your couch, or in your chair.
423
00:19:17,433 --> 00:19:19,133
Well, it could've been worse.
424
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,673
I mean, it is a comfortable chair.
425
00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:25,633
(sighs)
426
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,470
And when you read the things that people said about you,
427
00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:31,173
after you got out of the hospital,
428
00:19:31,233 --> 00:19:33,503
why wasn't your blood on fire anymore?
429
00:19:33,566 --> 00:19:36,226
'Cause it didn't matter what I did.
430
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,330
Didn't matter if I got my ass kicked in prison
431
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,300
or if I was sitting on a beach in Tahiti.
432
00:19:40,366 --> 00:19:43,226
The world had made up its mind about me.
433
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,630
I mean, not unlike you.
434
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,200
I've made up my mind about you?
435
00:19:47,266 --> 00:19:49,266
Yeah, it doesn't matter what I say in here.
436
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:50,673
I mean, it matters, but not to you.
437
00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:52,233
Not to you personally.
438
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:54,370
You took one look at me, had it figured out.
439
00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:56,003
I don't think I have you figured out.
440
00:19:56,066 --> 00:19:57,566
I don't think I have anyone figured out.
441
00:19:57,633 --> 00:20:01,433
To be clear, I don't think you have me figured out either.
442
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,530
Also, I'm not talking about what makes me tick.
443
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,570
I'm not talking about what my issues are.
444
00:20:05,633 --> 00:20:07,403
I just mean me.
445
00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:09,066
You made an assessment of my character
446
00:20:09,133 --> 00:20:11,773
when I walked through the door, and so it doesn't matter
447
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:14,503
if I recite Shakespeare or smear shit on the walls.
448
00:20:14,566 --> 00:20:18,026
-Colin... -Oh, I'm not saying this from a place of hurt.
449
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:19,600
I-I'm not offended.
450
00:20:19,666 --> 00:20:23,526
This is, I think, one of my healthier mindsets.
451
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,070
I cannot change the way people look at me.
452
00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:31,303
It doesn't matter what I do, so fuck it.
453
00:20:31,366 --> 00:20:33,296
Fuck them and fuck you. I mean,
454
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,226
not really, but, you know, fuck everyone.
455
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:39,530
It's all a fuckin' wash, so let's just move on, right?
456
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,630
-There's a lot to unpack there. -But I am right.
457
00:20:45,266 --> 00:20:46,326
Yeah?
458
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,000
From a mental health professional standpoint,
459
00:20:49,066 --> 00:20:52,666
I am not in control of what other people think about me.
460
00:20:52,733 --> 00:20:55,673
First of all, "fuck everyone" is not what I would refer to
461
00:20:55,733 --> 00:20:57,603
as a healthy mindset. Second, it sounds like
462
00:20:57,666 --> 00:20:59,266
you're abdicating responsibility.
463
00:20:59,333 --> 00:21:01,133
Your actions aren't neutral.
464
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,170
Well, of course. I mean, if I shoot someone
465
00:21:03,233 --> 00:21:04,703
and people don't like that about me, it's not because
466
00:21:04,766 --> 00:21:09,126
they have to work out their hang-ups about murder. Obviously.
467
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,130
But I didn't shoot anyone.
468
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,270
I'm just a privileged white guy.
469
00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:15,173
And what do you imagine that means to people?
470
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:17,773
That I didn't earn anything I had!
471
00:21:18,033 --> 00:21:21,033
I'm sexist, I'm racist, even though I've given money
472
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:23,630
to the NAACP every month for years.
473
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,430
Long before any of this-- But, you know, I can't say that.
474
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,500
And, of course, it'd be fuckin' gross to say that.
475
00:21:29,566 --> 00:21:31,696
I don't disagree. Patting myself on the back,
476
00:21:31,766 --> 00:21:36,066
you know, "virtue signaling," but I also can't correct the misperception,
477
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:39,103
or that means I'm silencing minority voices.
478
00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,296
So, yeah. My actions aren't neutral, but guess what?
479
00:21:42,366 --> 00:21:45,196
No one's looking at my actions. They're looking at my face.
480
00:21:45,266 --> 00:21:47,066
It's just at a certain point, you really do have to
481
00:21:47,133 --> 00:21:49,533
throw your hands up and just say, "Fuck it. I can't win."
482
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,170
So we're back to feeling powerless.
483
00:21:51,233 --> 00:21:53,133
-I am powerless. -Well, Colin,
484
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,000
the one time you felt powerless,
485
00:21:55,066 --> 00:21:57,596
you acted out, self-sabotaging,
486
00:21:57,666 --> 00:22:00,466
and putting yourself in real physical danger.
487
00:22:00,533 --> 00:22:03,073
So how can we avoid that outcome?
488
00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:05,603
-I don't know. Klonopin? -Maybe you don't have to be
489
00:22:05,666 --> 00:22:08,096
so concerned with how you are perceived.
490
00:22:08,166 --> 00:22:10,596
That's easy for you to say. No one hates you.
491
00:22:11,366 --> 00:22:13,166
Listen.
492
00:22:13,233 --> 00:22:17,233
You have been through a profound shift in your life.
493
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,100
You were top of the mountain...
494
00:22:19,166 --> 00:22:20,666
-(laughs) -the man in charge.
495
00:22:20,733 --> 00:22:22,703
Now you've been knocked down a peg or two.
496
00:22:22,766 --> 00:22:24,326
Feels like a lot more than two.
497
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,770
And the world looks different from where you are now.
498
00:22:27,033 --> 00:22:28,333
Don't you think the world looks different
499
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:29,670
than it did four years ago?
500
00:22:29,733 --> 00:22:31,573
Absolutely, and on top of all the changes
501
00:22:31,633 --> 00:22:33,203
in your personal circumstances,
502
00:22:33,266 --> 00:22:35,696
which are monumental, the world is also changing.
503
00:22:35,766 --> 00:22:37,326
Changing? (scoffs)
504
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,770
I was away four years. I feel like the prehistoric man,
505
00:22:40,033 --> 00:22:42,003
unearthed from the permafrost.
506
00:22:42,066 --> 00:22:43,766
But instead of, you know, ooh-ing and aah-ing
507
00:22:44,033 --> 00:22:46,403
at the technology of the future, I'm getting eviscerated
508
00:22:46,466 --> 00:22:48,466
by my buddy's 26-year-old wife
509
00:22:48,533 --> 00:22:51,273
because I'm not allowed to say "insert appalling word
510
00:22:51,333 --> 00:22:54,003
that was totally fine to say five minutes ago."
511
00:22:54,066 --> 00:22:55,726
See, I-- I don't have an ounce of hate in my body.
512
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,770
I think transgender people should be able
513
00:22:59,033 --> 00:23:01,273
to take a piss wherever they want.
514
00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:03,273
I don't think a man should jack off
515
00:23:03,333 --> 00:23:06,333
in the workplace, but the fuckin' icecaps are melting!
516
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,500
We got kids in cages!
517
00:23:08,566 --> 00:23:10,426
You know, I'm just not sure we're...
518
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:14,030
we're looking at the right things at the moment.
519
00:23:14,100 --> 00:23:16,170
Is that because you are
520
00:23:16,233 --> 00:23:18,233
-what's being looked at? -Oh, God,
521
00:23:18,300 --> 00:23:20,270
-d-don't do that. -I really am trying
522
00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:22,333
to understand where you're coming from.
523
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,230
What felt gradual for people on the outside, and listen.
524
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:29,200
I'm not so sure things felt all that gradual from out here, too.
525
00:23:29,266 --> 00:23:32,296
But felt different for you.
526
00:23:32,366 --> 00:23:34,426
You missed out on some things.
527
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:37,200
And that's part of the pain of incarceration.
528
00:23:37,266 --> 00:23:38,996
It's not just that.
529
00:23:39,066 --> 00:23:41,726
When I went in, I was a good guy, you know? I was a...
530
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,070
And now, I'm...
531
00:23:44,133 --> 00:23:47,003
-Tell me. -I'm the most liberal person you'll meet!
532
00:23:47,066 --> 00:23:50,166
I was raised in a fuckin' hippie commune, you know? I mean...
533
00:23:50,233 --> 00:23:52,673
I-I love Black women! I've dated lots of Black women!
534
00:23:52,733 --> 00:23:55,773
I never voted for a fuckin' Republican in my life!
535
00:23:56,033 --> 00:23:58,333
And my company's very diverse!
536
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,070
For their time? Are you kidding me?
537
00:24:00,133 --> 00:24:02,633
Amnesty International, Southern Poverty Law Center.
538
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,170
I gave more money, a small fortune,
539
00:24:05,233 --> 00:24:07,473
to all these fucking causes!
540
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:10,103
Heal the Bay, and all the gay ones. It just goes on
541
00:24:10,166 --> 00:24:12,126
and on and on and on, but that doesn't matter?
542
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,700
-No, it matters. -Well, I just--
543
00:24:13,766 --> 00:24:17,626
I don't like not having a say in what people think of me.
544
00:24:18,700 --> 00:24:21,430
I'm a good person. People like me.
545
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:23,300
Or they would if they weren't...
546
00:24:23,366 --> 00:24:25,526
A-a-and it's hypocritical
547
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,630
because everyone's guilty of something,
548
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:29,500
but only some of us pay the price.
549
00:24:29,566 --> 00:24:32,566
So, this cultural shift, you feel there's some sort of
550
00:24:32,633 --> 00:24:36,033
collateral damage, and now, you are...
551
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,470
the victim.
552
00:24:39,533 --> 00:24:41,333
Here's the thing. Eddie Murphy, "Delirious."
553
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,270
That stand-up special. Have you seen it?
554
00:24:44,333 --> 00:24:47,033
-Not for a long time, but yes. -Yeah, you know how many times he says
555
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:50,170
F-A-G-G-O-T in that thing?
556
00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:53,033
A lot. I mean, I don't know the exact number,
557
00:24:53,100 --> 00:24:54,630
but it's a lot.
558
00:24:54,700 --> 00:24:58,330
But he's your fucking hero, so he gets a pass.
559
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,600
I'm sorry, why is Eddie Murphy my hero?
560
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:05,066
Oh, come on. You know what I'm saying.
561
00:25:05,133 --> 00:25:07,733
I think you're saying that there's some sort of
562
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:09,530
-imbalance. -Look, I just think
563
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,500
there's a pleasure taken, a delight,
564
00:25:11,566 --> 00:25:13,396
in correcting this.
565
00:25:13,466 --> 00:25:15,266
You could look at those corrections
566
00:25:15,333 --> 00:25:17,333
as an opportunity for growth.
567
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,030
Oh man. (sighs)
568
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:27,030
You know, it-it doesn't matter what I say in here.
569
00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:28,430
You're on their side.
570
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,430
Whose side? There is no malevolent force
571
00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:33,200
working in opposition to you.
572
00:25:33,266 --> 00:25:37,096
-If you say so. -This is what I was getting at with the responsibility.
573
00:25:37,166 --> 00:25:38,726
You made choices.
574
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,400
And I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that
575
00:25:41,466 --> 00:25:45,466
you made poor choices. You lied to people.
576
00:25:45,533 --> 00:25:49,133
You misled investors. You chose to break the law,
577
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,670
and you are being judged for that.
578
00:25:52,733 --> 00:25:55,633
Now if you choose to remain ignorant of how people
579
00:25:55,700 --> 00:25:58,500
want to be spoken to or spoken about or the things
580
00:25:58,566 --> 00:26:01,166
that they find offensive, that's your choice, too.
581
00:26:02,133 --> 00:26:04,173
You are not powerless.
582
00:26:04,233 --> 00:26:06,403
Things were easy, but now they are less so.
583
00:26:06,466 --> 00:26:08,026
Wait, easy? Wait, what the fuck do you mean?
584
00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:11,530
-I was referring to-- -Oh, see, that's why you don't like me!
585
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:15,370
Because my life was easy, and yours was so hard.
586
00:26:17,666 --> 00:26:20,096
Why does it matter if I like you?
587
00:26:21,466 --> 00:26:23,066
Excuse me?
588
00:26:23,133 --> 00:26:25,433
It is not essential for the work we do
589
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,100
for me to like you, or for you
590
00:26:28,166 --> 00:26:30,096
to like me, for that matter.
591
00:26:30,166 --> 00:26:31,696
It can actually be helpful if you
592
00:26:31,766 --> 00:26:34,466
were less concerned with my opinion of you.
593
00:26:34,533 --> 00:26:36,273
I'm not concerned. I don't give a shit.
594
00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:39,003
People show me the ugliest sides of themselves all the time.
595
00:26:39,066 --> 00:26:40,666
I can still like them.
596
00:26:40,733 --> 00:26:43,373
I don't care if you like me!
597
00:26:43,433 --> 00:26:46,033
Alright, I care if you sign that stupid form
598
00:26:46,100 --> 00:26:48,200
that says that I can get the fuck on with my life!
599
00:26:48,266 --> 00:26:52,126
So I-I can do things and make things a-and build a life,
600
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,270
instead of driving up here to No Man's Land
601
00:26:54,333 --> 00:26:56,603
to pretend like I'm fuckin' getting somewhere!
602
00:26:56,666 --> 00:26:59,296
Jesus fucking Christ!
603
00:26:59,366 --> 00:27:00,766
You know, if I wanted to sit around talking about
604
00:27:01,033 --> 00:27:04,273
my fucking emotions all day, I'd still be married!
605
00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:06,200
Shit!
606
00:27:06,266 --> 00:27:07,726
Fuck!
607
00:27:08,666 --> 00:27:10,396
Oh shit!
608
00:27:10,466 --> 00:27:13,066
Fuck! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
609
00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:14,573
I'm sorry! I'm fucking...
610
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,473
Fuck! I'm a terrible person. I'm...
611
00:27:17,533 --> 00:27:20,173
(sighs) I'm the fucking worst. I'm just an evil person.
612
00:27:20,233 --> 00:27:22,703
No one is saying that, Colin. Calm down.
613
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:25,496
Yeah. Everyone is saying that.
614
00:27:27,733 --> 00:27:28,773
(sighs)
615
00:27:33,166 --> 00:27:35,066
And would you look at that?
616
00:27:35,133 --> 00:27:37,133
That's our time for today.
617
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:38,500
(grabs keys)
618
00:27:39,500 --> 00:27:42,770
♪ ♪
619
00:27:43,033 --> 00:27:45,333
(door opens, slams)
620
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,500
(breathes deeply)
621
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:52,670
Fuck.
622
00:27:52,733 --> 00:27:56,003
♪ ♪
623
00:28:22,433 --> 00:28:25,503
♪ ♪
624
00:28:52,466 --> 00:28:55,526
♪ ♪
47095
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