Original subtitles

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, hey

Let's sweat!

Macho, macho man Macho man

Come on!

l've got to be

That's right! Shake it, honey!

A macho man

Macho, macho man

Oh, yeah! Like a pony! l'm a pony!

l've got to be a macho

Don't you feel like a pony when you sweat?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Go! Do it!

Come on! Here we go!

(MUSIC CONTINUES) One! Two! This is my favorite exercise!

Come on! Five!

Whoa!

Macho, macho man

Macho! Macho! Oh!

l've got to be

l'm a pony!

A macho man

(ELECTRONIC SNORTING) Come on, let's go! Do it! Come on!

l've got to be a macho

(MUSIC CONTINUES) l'm vogueing! You can vogue!

Can you feel it?

l've got to be a macho man

Oh!

l'm going to have an aneurysm.

Oh!

My calves are burning!

This is our science department.

The genetics wing.

l'll remind you we are in the vanguard of research.

(CHUCKLES)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Get Klump in here now!

BOY 1 : Professor Klump. Good morning.

GIRL 1 : Hey, Professor! Good morning.

BOY 2: Morning. Morning.

Morning. GIRL 2: Good morning, Professor Klump.

How are you?

Morning.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(BLOWER ENGINE STARTS)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my goodness.

Professor Klump. The cages. What happened?

That is most peculiar, Jason,

because l distinctly remember locking up last night.

l locked these cages,

picked up my portfolio and turned around...

(STUDENTS GASPING AND CHATTERING)

Oh.

l must've grazed the switch.

Shelley's the only one that didn't get out.

Good. l'll tend to Shelley.

You students take care of this. Excuse me.

Hello, Shelley.

How are you today, my little powder puff?

Yeah. Yeah.

(MURMURING BABY TALK)

Sir?

You may want to look at the latest test results.

l'm not sure if l'm reading them correctly.

She's lost three ounces since the last feed?

Must be some kind of mistake.

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLICKING)

No, no, Jason.

Her entire molecular structure has been realigned.

We've done it. This new formula's working.

lt's actually reconstructed Shelley's DNA.

She lost 20% of her body fat in one feeding.

What if we upped the dosage?

No, one step at a time. We don't want to jeopardize Shelley.

We'll keep the feedings as scheduled.

Okay.

Schedule. Excuse me. l'm very late.

Students, we got a lot of work to do

and don't have much time to do it in.

Trying to win a grant here.

So, as Arsenio used to say, "Let's get busy!"

(SWITCHES LEVER)

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

(RUSTLING AND SQUEAKING)

(CLEARS THROAT AND GRUNTS)

(EXHALES SLOWLY)

Comfy?

Quite.

Anything l can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?

No, sir, l'm fine.

(SNIFFS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

You did want to see me about something, didn't you, sir?

Well, Professor Klump,

allow me to answer that question

by posing another.

Why are you trying to destroy my school?

Beg your pardon, sir?

Do you know who Louise Vindovik is?

Oh, surely, sir.

She's a lovely woman

who so generously donates money

to help fund our science department.

Close. Very close. But wrong.

See, she was a lovely woman,

and she used to fund our science department.

That was before she was hospitalized

for nearly swallowing a gerbil.

Not gerbil, sir. A hamster.

Gerbils are more streamlined

and hamsters have a tendency to be fluffier.

The male hamster's scrotum has a tendency

to be disproportionately...

Never mind.

Those National Rifle people are right.

lf l had one now...bang.

Sir, l'd like to concentrate on the positives.

What Miss Vindovik witnessed was 5,000 healthy hamsters

bred from a genetically deficient hereditary line.

lt's actually very exciting.

Do l look excited, Klump?

No, you don't look excited at all.

But maybe you might be holding it in, your excitement,

not wanting to express it.

Now listen to me carefully, you fat tub of goo.

For years you've single-handedly alienated

every wealthy donor we've had.

Air-conditioning schools are outdrawing us!

We've lost so much money, red is our school color.

lnner-city schools have better computers than we do.

Bosnia wants to give us money!

l'm going to set up a meeting with Harlan Hartley...

Klump! Are you listening?

Yes, sir. Yes.

Hartley is the last rich alumnus we've got.

And he's a science fan.

And he's considering donating a $10 million grant to this school.

And l want that money, Klump.

Yourjob depends upon it.

l'll let you know how to handle it,

since l'll be watching you. Now go.

But, sir, l don't know if you should...

See, right back there,

just before you said "But, sir" right there?

That was the end of the meeting.

Well, l guess l'll leave.

You have a pleasant day.

Grace, the cream has turned again.

(GASPS)

PROFESSOR: Of all the equations you'll learn

during the course of your studies here,

this equation shall be, l promise you,

the most helpful

throughout the course of your studies,

because this equation fundamentally breaks down

what DNA is composed of,

and what components of DNA...

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

(LOUDER LAUGHTER)

l seem to have messed myself.

l haven't really messed myself.

l mean, l messed my shirt up.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

But make sure you read chapter 4

in your textbooks on genetics.

Gonna be a pop quiz on Wednesday.

There's a pop quiz. Pop quiz.

WOMAN: Professor Klump?

(MUMBLING) Hello.

Oh. Hi. l'm sorry.

l didn't mean to interrupt.

l was looking for Professor Klump.

(SPITTING)

l'm him. l'm he.

l'm Sherman Klump.

(GUM BALLS SCATTERING)

Never mind. l do that all the time.

Makes the...table look more festive,

and the kids enjoy it.

The yellow and green and purple rolling around.

The table's more colorful and...

Would another time be better? l could always...

No, no, don't be ridiculous.

l'm between classes and l got a minute to chat.

(GUM BALLS SCATTERING)

How can l help you?

Hi. l'm Carla Purty.

Hello, Miss Purty.

l'm a grad student.

l'm teaching my first chemistry class across the hall.

Okay.

l just had to come over and introduce myself.

l've followed your work for many years,

and l'm a big fan.

Well, thank you very much. l'm fatter...

Flattered that you've been following my work

the way you have.

A chemistry teacher.

Chemistry sure is important to have...chemistry...

to have and use it.

Chemically... Chemistry.

Well...

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) lt's been a pleasure meeting you.

Oh, the pleasure was all mine, Miss Purty.

And hope to see you around.

Well, you can't miss me.

(CHUCKLES)

Have a good day.

You do the same, Miss Purty.

Mmm-mmm.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Now, that's fine. She's fine.

(GUM BALLS SCATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, this is so fabulous.

Ain't nothing like getting together with family and having a good meal.

Cletus, take this bowl. lt's hot.

PAPA: God damn, Sherman,

it's almost like we don't see your ass no more.

Good to see you, Son.

You think you too good

to spend time with your family every now and then?

l've been real busy, Ernie.

l don't want no potatoes.

Mashed potatoes give me gas.

ln my day, Sherman,

people used to spend time with they family

on Sundays and special occasions.

Come around and pay their respects.

You mess around

and miss little Ernie's golden years,

you're gonna be mad at yourself.

(BELCHES)

Baby's got a little gas.

(COUGHING)

Here she goes. Y'all better cover your plates.

Mama, have some water.

(MUTTERING) Grandma, you spit on me.

What you talking about, covering your plates?

Not tonight, Cletus. l'll kick your ass.

Sherman, l cooked all this food.

ls that all you gonna eat?

You supposed to eat that, not scalp it.

Daddy, all the calories in the chicken

are found in the skin.

Where all the calories is?

You know where that come from? Watching that damn TV.

Every time you turn it on

somebody talking about lose weight, get healthy.

Everybody looking all anorexic,

talking about that's healthy.

l know what healthy is.

And l don't know why everybody trying to lose weight

in the first place!

Ain't everybody supposed to be the same size.

We're all different.

Big, small, medium, midgets. You supposed to have all that.

Everybody wants to be the same size,

like that Oprah Winfrey.

She gonna lose her weight.

Wasn't nothing wrong with her. She was fine. Oprah was a fox!

She lose all that weight, her head look all big.

And Luther Vandross.

Nigger used to be the black Pavarotti.

Lost all that weight, looking all ashy.

Oprah and Luther need to keep their ass one weight,

'cause l'm confused.

Yes, l hope nothing's wrong with Oprah.

She doesn't look well.

There ain't nothing wrong with Oprah.

l seen Oprah on Hard Copy last week.

Was the picture of health.

Got her a tall, young, strong gentleman named Steadman.

So handsome.

(SINGING) Amazing grace

She's my favorite out of all of them.

Jenny Jones, Marilyn Kagan,

(SINGING CONTINUES) Maury Povich.

Letterman, Leno.

Montell, Ricki Lake...

l like Geraldo.

Mike Douglas. Oh, Mike Douglas.

You know, Mike Douglas used to make me moist

when l'd watch his show.

l admit it.

Only white man ever did that to me was Mike Douglas.

l would like to volunteer

to take this old bird out of her misery.

Cletus! Don't you dare say that about Mama.

GRANDMA: No, no, hold it.

You ain't gotta protect me from Cletus. Come on, Cletus.

Come on over here.

lt ain't but a short walk. Come on over.

You gonna limp back.

You'll walk over, but you're limping back.

But don't let the gray hair fool you.

l ain't no easy win, nigger.

Your problem is, you don't work out.

Look. That's all muscle.

Oh. ERNIE: You fat. l'm muscle.

Oh, look at my little b... He's a little Hercules.

Show me your muscles again.

Oh, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!

Once you work out,

your metabolism starts to speed up,

you can eat anything you want.

He's so strong.

Recent studies have shown that certain people

are genetically predisposed to gaining weight.

Someday we might even find a cure.

Only thing you need to study is your ass.

l got a big ass. Your mama got a big ass.

Cletus! You do have a big ass.

Asses is big in our family.

You need to get used to that.

l don't care what diet you go on.

You can sew up your stomach and your asshole,

you gonna always be fat.

All l'm trying to say is scientific breakthroughs

are occurring all the time...

The only thing about to break through

is your ass through the seat of your pants.

Sherman, l think l do remember

hearing something on TV about colon cleansing.

They say everyone should have one.

l'm thinking about getting me an appointment

and getting my colon cleansed thoroughly.

You want your colon cleansed? l'm gonna clean mine.

(LOUD FART)

There. Now my colon is clean. Squeaky clean.

Every time we have a meal, you break gas.

Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

You the one that brought up colon cleansing!

l did not say anything about breaking gas!

You can talk about putting a tube in somebody's ass,

but l can't break wind.

l didn't say nothing about putting a hose up nobody's ass...

What you think a colonic is?

You think you run your asshole by the car wash?

You're choking the baby.

As long as l pay the bills, l do what l want at this table.

Case in point:

(LOUD FART)

Who that called my name?

Yeah, l called you if your name is...

(LOUD FART)

Keep insulting me.

l'll toss this between the crack of your ass.

l can go all night.

(LOUD FART)

l hope you fart till your asshole falls out.

(CONTINUES FARTING)

(LAUGHING WILDLY)

(LOUD FART)

Oh, my baby too!

(LOUD FART)

Now see what you made me do?

God damn it, l messed up my pants.

Damn, Daddy. You got to clean them yourself!

You rotten.

(ERNIE JR. CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Oh, Lord, this has been a fabulous, wonderful, fabulous evening.

Look. Them dogs done tore up my garbage.

Cletus, the dog's ripped open the garbage again!

PAPA: Shoot the damn dog! l'm not shooting no dog!

l'm trying to watch Roseanne!

Thanks for dinner, Mama.

Sherman, what's wrong with you?

Baby, you still worried

about what your father said in there?

Oh, Son, listen to me.

You are special.

When the good Lord made you,

he made you beautiful inside and out.

You can do anything, Sherman.

All you got to do is believe in yourself

and you can do anything.

(CHUCKLING)

You're so handsome.

Give me some sugar.

Love you, Mama. Love you too, baby.

Nighty-night. Oh, my baby.

Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.

Fabulous.

Cletus, come clean this garbage up!

l'm watching TV!

GRANDMA: Get your lazy ass up.

Mind your own damn business!

GRANDMA: You lazy mother...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Professor?

Oh. Hi, Miss Purty...

You caught me in the middle of a little step aerobics l was doing out here.

Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.

l looked your address up in the faculty directory. l hope you don't mind.

No, not at all.

What can l do for you?

Oh, well, l was...

(SIGHS)

l was,

l was wondering if one night if,

when you weren't busy.

You get a little hungry, you might want to, you know...

lf you planned on going out to get something anyway,

on an occasion like that, you don't wanna do that alone, so...

Professor, are you asking me out on a date?

Yes. Yes, l am.

l'd love to.

Really?

Yes.

That's fantastic!

We can go any place you wanna go. Just name it. We'll go there.

There's a place my students go to called The Scream?

The Scream? l mean, if that's too...

Oh, no, no, no. l love to scream.

(YELLING)

(DOG HOWLING)

Screaming's good for you. Cleans the epiglottis.

Get all the phlegm and mucus down. That's disgusting.

Just tell me what night.

How's Friday?

Friday night's perfect. The best night of the week.

Friday night at 8:00.

Friday night at 8:00.

l'll see you Friday night. We'll go to The Scream.

lt'll be a scream at The Scream.

All right, Professor, l'll see you then.

Good night, Miss Purty.

Good night.

Yes!

(MUTTERING) Yeah, Friday night at The Scream.

(CONTINUES MUTTERING) Gonna scream.

Friday night. Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday night.

Friday, Friday, Friday.

(WHISTLING)

(SINGING) l got myself a date

Friday night at 8:··

And l will not be late

She might be my mate

That would be so great

Great, great, great Great, great, great

And l can hardly wait

Lilo, Peabo, Lou Rawls, Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy P.

Number six! Yeah!

(MID-TEMPO BALLAD PLAYING)

(SINGING ALONG) Close the door

Let me give you what you been waiting for

Baby, l got so much love to give

Don't hurt them, Teddy P!

And l wanna give it all to you

l waited all day long

Just to hold you in my arms

And it's exactly like l thought it would be

Me loving you and you loving me

Oh, you know you gotta, gotta, gotta close the door...

(BANGING) MAN: Shut the hell up up there, God damn it!

Sorry about that down there, Mr. Wilson!

Teddy P turned up a little loud.

Quiet down up there!

There is a thin person inside each and every one of us!

So give yourselves a big hug and say, "Yes, l can! Do that for me..."

Thighmaster Plus is designed to give you better results quicker.

l lost ten pounds in two weeks. Thanks, Megashake.

(LUSH ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(PANTING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(CARLA SCREAMING)

LANCE: (ON TV) You're not pathetic!

People, pounds do not lose themselves!

You have to work, work, work! Everybody, up! Come on! Up!

You too at home! Everybody up and say,

LANCE AND AUDIENCE: "Yes, l can!"

LANCE: Say it again.

(STOMPING) PROFESSOR AND AUDIENCE: Yes, l can! Yes, l can! Yes...

MR. WILSON: Quiet down, God damn it! Sorry!

Klump, shut up! l can!

l'm so excited and l just can't hide it

l'm about to lose control and l think l like it

l'm so excited

And l just can't hide it

And l know, l know l know, l know

l know l want you

We shouldn't even think about tomorrow

Still hungry?

Sweet memories will last a long, long time

We'll have a good time, baby, don't you worry

(BREATHING SHARPLY)

And if we're still playing around

Boy, that's just fine

(STRANGULATED) Help.

Let's get excited

We just can't hide it

Still hungry?

Oh, no

I know, I know, I know, I know

I know I want you

I want you

Maybe you should try Jenny Craig.

Oh, I want to love you, feel you

Wrap myself around you

l want to squeeze you, tease you

One hand on you!

l just can't get enough

And if you move real slow l'll let it go

GROUP: Whoo!

l'm so excited

Ooh-wee And l just can't hide it

No, no, no, no, no

(GRUNTS) Yeah! Yeah!

l know, l know, l know, l know, l know l want you

Yeah!

l want you

Look what you do to me

Yeah!

You got me burning up

Oh-oh-oh-oh now

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

Baby, l'm so excited

MONTELL JORDAN: (SINGING) This is how we do it

Come on, come on, come on. Right there.

This is how we do it

lt's Friday night, and l feel all right

The party's here on the west side

So l reached for my 40 and l turned it up...

Oh, excuse me. Hey!

Professor K, how's it going? l'm good, David.

What are you doing here?

Got a date.

You have a date? Good luck, Professor.

Yeah, see you next week now.

The guys and l All the gang-bangers

Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry about that.

Oh. Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

(GASPING)

Sorry about that. Excuse me.

Sorry about that. Excuse me. Excuse me!

Thank you.

Wow, these are great seats, Professor.

Oh, yeah. Listen, don't call me Professor.

Call me Sherman, all right? Sherman.

Well, l'm glad we did this, Sherman.

JORDAN: (SINGING) With a different type of swing, you know

Something for the honeys

So am l.

So am l!

Something for the honeys

Here's the menu.

Ooh, summertime

No funner time for me to kick it with you

To find something someone...

CARLA: So you altered her genes?

Yes, yes.

And if l hadn't done it, Shelley would be in hamster heaven right now.

Sherman, you are absolutely amazing.

We do what we can, you know?

Got to keep on trying. Got to keep on pushing.

Something for you and you

And for you and for you.

Let's go. Let's go.

MAN: Montell Jordan!

They were wonderful.

All right, all right. Let's keep this show rolling.

Ladies and gentlemen... He was good.

...you've seen him on Def Comedy Jam many times.

Y'all give it up for my man, Reggie Warrington!

Give it up!

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

JAMES BROWN: (SINGING ON STEREO) Watch me

Watch me. l got it, watch me

He sure is animated.

Yeah!

What's up?

(CROWD CHATTERING)

l said, "What's up"?

Hey!

Women be shopping, baby.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Women be shopping!

You can't stop a woman from shopping, baby!

That's true. Women do shop.

lt is true.

See what we got in here tonight. Oh, my God!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

She's unbe-weave-able. Look at this.

Look like a hair full of curly fries.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, look at this white dude right here.

What is a weave exactly? Huh?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

Baby, no! She got more extensions than AT·T.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND LAUGHING)

Excuse me. l'm gonna go to the rest room.

Oh, boy, l'm hot!

Sorry about that, ma'am. Let me pick that up for you.

(WHOOPS)

lt's a full moon tonight!

(HOWLING)

l think l found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa!

(LAUGHING) Excuse me.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, that's a good one there.

You got more crack than Harlem. Look at that!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Boy's so fat, every time he turns around, it's his birthday!

Got to put his belt on with a boomerang.

(lMITATING BOOMERANG)

Bang!

Yeah. Okay, all right, now. That's it. You got me.

No, l ain't got you, yet. Should l get him?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Should l get him?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Oh, look at this. He's with a woman, too.

AUDIENCE: Aw! Oh, no!

Who is sucking whose titties over here?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY)

Last time this brother felt a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC.

Extra crispy!

Every time he goes to Sea World, they pay him!

He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow.

He go outside with a red shirt on,

and all the kids in the neighborhood say,

"Hey! Kool-Aid!"

Yeah, man, l bet l cut his fat ass open, it'd bleed chocolate milk.

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Now we know what's eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Thank you for dinner tonight, Sherman. That was very sweet.

You're welcome.

Look, that comic tonight, he was...

Sherman, you are a brilliant man.

You have a pleasant evening.

Good night.

(KEYS JINGLING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

His fraternity was having this thing called Pig Day.

That's the only reason he asked me out.

To make fun of you? Why do we do this to ourselves?

Every time we get depressed, we eat and eat and eat.

You go to the store and buy those little candy bars in the bag,

and before you know it, the whole bag is empty.

Then at the end, you feel just like that bag. Empty inside.

(SOBBING) Don't you?

(WOMAN SOBBING) lt's okay. lt's all right. Just get it all out.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

Say, "Yes, l can." Say that.

Yes, l can.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

(SOBBING) Yes, we can.

(SOBBING)

Can we go to commercial?

l want him prepped and ready immediately. Yes, Doctor.

Call Dr. Matthews. l'm going to need a lot of help on this one.

Let's move it. You know the routine.

Get that crash cart here stat!

Blood pressure, 14· over 9· and rising.

MAN: We need that lV rig in now!

IV rig coming in.

Give me four cc's of Ambethol. l don't know how much more he can take.

We need the EKG cart in here now.

Blood pressure, 1·0 over 1 10 and still climbing.

What's the status?

He's getting fatter. We can't stop it.

Damn!

Blood pressure, 200 over 140!

(ALARM BEEPING) Oh, my God!

He's gonna explode!

l'm getting out of here!

(WOMAN SCREAMS) Nurse!

Wait! Wait!

(RUMBLING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

What's going on?

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Get out of here! Get out of here!

Hey, everyone, run for the hills! lt's Fat-zilla!

He look like King Kong with titties.

Sherman! l brought you some nice fried chicken, Sherman.

Oh, you look fabulous!

(LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

(GLASS BREAKING)

(SCREAMS)

(PROFESSOR BURPING)

(BURPING CONTINUES)

(MOANING)

MAN: Oh, my God!

He's gonna blow!

(FARTING)

(SCREAMING)

Way to go, Son! That's my boy!

No!

(GASPING AND PANTING)

Huh?

(BEEPING)

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLICKING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING QUICKENS)

Shelley, you've been the guinea pig long enough.

lt's time to see if this stuff really works.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Oh! Oh! l'm thin! l'm thin! Look at my cheekbones!

l have cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest.

Look at my breasts. l don't have breasts.

l'm an A cup. l don't need a bra anymore.

Oh, God, l'm thin! l'm thin!

l'm thin! l'm thin, l'm thin.

(SINGING) Nothing but air there Nothing but air there

My ass is gone Now l'm slim, slim, slim

Well, l'll be damned! l can see my dick!

My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick!

JAMES BROWN: (SINGING) Whoa, l feel good

l can do stairs. l can do stairs.

l knew that l would now

l am the stair master!

l feel good

l knew that l would now

You looking for any kind of clothes in particular?

Spandex! All Spandex! Where's the Spandex section?

Oh! Spandex! Like this!

l feel nice

Like sugar and spice

No titties. No titties.

l feel nice

No titties.

Not you, me. l'm talking about me. My titties are gone.

Your titties are lovely. What's your name?

l can't believe l'm so thin. l am thin. You ever feel thin?

l am thin! l am thin. Hey, man, where's the apple pie?

When l hold you in my arms

l know that l can do no wrong

And when l hold you in my arms

My love won't do you no harm

Tootsie Roll! Get your tootsie!

And l feel nice

(GRUNTING)

Like sugar and spice

So nice, so nice

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

l got you

(SHOUTING) l'm thin! l'm thin!

Excuse me.

Hey!

ls Professor Klump here?

Professor Klump?

Sherman, Sherman Klump.

No, he had to take care of some things, Miss Purty.

So l'm running this thing here.

Do l know you?

Do you know me?

(LAUGHS)

Sherman didn't tell you about me?

No.

Oh, man!

lsn't that like Sherman to hog all the credit?

l'm Sherman's confidante.

Have you seen him today?

l was wondering if he was all right after everything

that happened at the club the other night.

Oh, Miss Purty, it tore his chunky ass up.

lt's strange that a man as intelligent as Sherman has no confidence whatsoever.

Makes me sick sometimes to think...

l'm always telling the man,

"Sherman, no matter what, you've got to strut.

"You got to suck in your gut and strut."

Me, personally, l don't have that problem.

Doesn't seem like you do.

You're just too feisty and too fine. Me and you need to hook up.

We need to go to The Scream tonight, have a couple of drinks

and strut our respective stuff together.

l don't even know your name.

Hey, buddy, what the hell happened here?

See? Everybody knows Buddy.

The professor must have got a little carried away last night.

Oh, Officer Dagg, l'm glad you came up.

He told me to tell you personally, please thank your wife Claire

for bringing that upside-down cake for him. He ate every crumb of it.

And can you have someone from janitorial clean up this mess, please?

Thank you, Officer Dagg. Thank you.

(DOOR OPENS) Buddy.

Buddy? ls that it, or do you have a last name?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Love.

Love?

You see, Miss Purty,

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) there comes a time in a man's life

when he has to...

(CLEARS THROAT AND COUGHS)

Miss Purty, people have a tendency in life

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) to always want to rush into things.

(lN REGULAR VOICE) What l'm trying to say

is there's a right time and place for everything.

Like l said, there's a right time and place for everything.

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) Tonight would be a good time.

At The Scream would be perfect to discuss it.

l'll see you tonight. Don't be late! Excuse me!

Uh-oh.

(CHATTERING)

Good morning. Good morning, class.

Morning, students. Good morning!

Morning. Good morning.

You students just review what we went over yesterday.

Professor, we weren't here yesterday.

Well, then, review the day before, and tomorrow we'll do today.

That's it.

(CLASS LAUGHING)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Sherman!

Oh, Carla. How are you?

l've been looking for you all morning. Are you okay?

l'm fine. Why you looking for me?

l feel bad what happened at the club the other night.

lt was my idea to go to The Scream.

l've forgotten about that. You forget, too.

That's over. Go have a nice day.

There's something else. l met a friend of yours in your lab.

Buddy Love.

Buddy Love.

He's quite a character, huh?

He asked me out, and he said it was your idea.

Oh, did he? Well, l know you're new in town.

l thought it would be nice

for a new girl to get out, meet some people.

Did you find him attractive?

Honestly, yes.

He's very handsome and athletic.

But l don't feel comfortable talking to you about that.

You can talk to me about anything. l want you to.

And l think you should definitely go out with Buddy Love.

You do? Absolutely.

l don't think there's anything wrong with two young people

getting together and having a good time.

So by all means, do just that.

You sure you're all right with that?

Don't worry about me. l'm just fine.

ln fact, l'll put in a good word with you for Buddy.

Oh, my goodness. l'm so late. Excuse me. l'll talk to Buddy.

You make it hard, long soft, short

And be strokin'

l be strokin'

l stroke it to the east and l stroke it to...

(MUSIC CONTINUES lNDISTINCTLY)

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Now you be careful. lf there's a scratch in the car,

there's a scratch in your ass.

You are too fine to be giving me curbside service.

l'm not. l'm leaving.

We just got here.

No, you just got here. l've been waiting for you for almost an hour.

They say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger.

Anticipate a night alone.

Hey, hey. Let's just have a meal together.

Why you leaving? You want me to beg?

l'll get down on my knees.

l'll beg you in front of all these people.

Think l care if these people are watching?

l'm sorry! l'm sorry! l want the world to know that l was late!

And l'm sorry! My car ran out of gas.

l needed fresh drawers. My mother's sick. The car broke down.

Buddy, get up.

Hear me out. l am sorry!

l don't know why this is happening tonight.

Of all nights this has got to happen to me tonight.

Okay. Why? Why?

Okay! Why?

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Good. Let's eat.

l am so hungry. Hey, don't let the tears fool you.

l'm a tooth chipper.

Six T-bones, five baked potatoes and two servings of creamed spinach.

l have never seen anyone eat so much.

You are so lucky to stay so thin.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

lt's a matter of recombinant ribonucleic acids

unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.

What does that mean?

l don't know. l'm trying to sound extra intelligent.

Got you! You gonna eat that?

Guess who's back in the house.

From Def Comedy Jam, my man, Reggie Warrington.

Give it up!

(CHEERING)

l hate this guy. l hate this guy. He is so obnoxious.

Give the nigger a chance.

JAMES BROWN: (SINGING) Watch me

lt's your world, dog! l'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

l've got something that makes me wanna shout

What's up?

What's up, nigger?

l said, "What's up"?

Didn't you hear me when l say, "Hey"?

Boy, women be shopping. Women be shopping.

You cannot stop a woman from shopping.

(LAUGHING)

Let's see what l got in the house tonight.

Oh, now, look at this white guy right here.

You cannot tell me he ain't got a small jimmie.

Man, it's so small he needs tweezers to take a piss.

He needs tweezers to take a piss!

Tweezers on his dick!

Reggie's hot tonight.

Look at this. Look at this.

Oh! Oh! Oh! l can't breathe!

Excuse me, brother.

(GASPING) l can't breathe!

Okay.

Brother, man!

(WHEEZING)

You almost killed me, man!

l had to give myself the Heimlich.

You mind waiting for the punch line first, brother?

l'm sorry. You're so funny.

You're so funny the way you take a person's personal defects

and flip it around.

Like you pick somebody in the room and say, "Look at your foot,"

and everybody look at it and start laughing.

That's funny shit. You're on your way!

You going to the top! You're the next Lenny Bruce!

Why, thank you. Thank you very much.

That's genius.

That'd even work with me doing it to you.

lf l say, look at Reggie's gums and teeth.

His mother had an affair with Mister Ed.

See? Everybody's laughing.

They can visualize your mother in a barn with Mister Ed.

(NEIGHING LUSTILY)

Look what l'm doing, Wilbur. Look at me!

You snapping on me?

Are you snapping on Reggie?

lt's your teeth, Reggie.

l don't know whether to smile at you or kick a field goal.

Hey, Reggie! lt's good!

lt's all good!

And, man, what's wrong with that breath? l can smell it over here.

Reggie, your breath is so stink,

people look forward to your farts.

Breath smell like shit. Do you smell shit?

l smell shit.

Oh! Oh! You done did it now, boy.

l wasn't gonna say nothing 'cause l like black people.

But it's time to attack black.

That's right. The glove's coming off.

Don't hurt me now!

Maybe it's time for Reggie to lay into your mama.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Maybe it's time for Reggie to talk about your mama a little bit.

You're the man, Reggie!

Your mother's so fat,

she went to Sizzler's, and the bitch got a group discount.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING AND GASPING) Okay, fat jokes!

You want to do fat jokes? All right.

Your mother's so fat,

the bitch need a Thomas Guide to find her asshole!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right! Wait, wait, wait. Your mother's so fat,

after sex l rolled over twice, and l'm still on the bitch!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!

Reggie's mama's so fat,

that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!

Earl Scheib!

Earl Scheib!

Hey, hey, get off the stage, man. You ain't in show business.

Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road!

lsn't that something?

Reggie's mother is so fat, her belt size is equator!

(HOOTING AND CHEERING)

Get it? Equator?

(BUDDY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Let's get a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass

that brought us so much joy tonight.

Yeah! That's a big ass.

Enough! Silence!

l can't take this shit no more.

Now, you done talked about me enough, boy!

l tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie

to karatasize your ass!

(WHOOPS)

Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Reggie, l heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?

That's not your hair. Take that pile of shit off your head.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You... You go too far with the comedy.

(KARATE YELL)

Oh, oh! Come on! Come on.

What's that? Oh, yeah, it's my style, boy.

You didn't know Reggie studied.

What style is that?

This is called "Kick-Your-Ass Style," boy.

Oh, shit.

Reggie done studied on the streets. Oh! Come on!

(KARATE YELL)

Oh! Oh!

(AUDIENCE GASPS AND CHEERS)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you quick, but l'm quicker.

Watch my feet. Come on with it!

l'm gonna come on with it. l'm gonna...

(KARATE YELLS)

REGGIE: Oh, damn!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Ladies and gentlemen,

me and Reggie want to send one out

to a very special lady in the house tonight.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) Lovin' you is easy, 'cause you're beautiful

Do-un-do-un-doo-doo. Reggie?

(BONES CRACK)

(HOWLING)

Let go. That was pretty.

Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building.

Thank you, and good night.

(CHEERING)

Oh, stop it! Stop it! Now, thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you so... Oh, please, please, come on now.

Hey, who pinched my ass? Cut it out. That's good.

All right. Thank you. Can you get the bill for me?

Thanks, man. Too much!

That was amazing. l can't believe you did that.

Amazing is my middle name.

l only wish Professor Klump was here to have seen it.

Listen.

This is our moment. l don't wanna ruin it with talks of Sherman.

You know, your eyes, there's something very familiar about them,

as if l already know you.

You know, l feel the exact same way about you, Miss Purty.

(BALLAD PLAYING ON SOUND SYSTEM)

Miss Purty, let me tell you.

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) That kiss was probably

the most wonderful kiss l've ever...

(CLEARS THROAT)

What l meant to say was that...

Your lip. What?

Your lip is swollen. My lip?

Yes.

Oh, my lip? Oh.

That happens every time l...

What kind of lipstick do you have on?

Chanel. That happens every time

l have Chanel lipstick on my lips. An allergic reaction.

(RUMBLING)

Oh. lt's giving me gas, too. You have to go catch a cab.

l gotta go to the drugstore and get some Benadryl and Kaopectate.

Excuse me, have a pleasant evening. Bye, bye!

Buddy! Buddy, wait!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh, man.

Hey, Professor Klump is here? Yeah.

Where is he?

There he is, right there.

That guy gave you this credit card?

Yup.

That's not Professor Klump.

That's not his credit card. Hey!

What?

Hey! Hey!

Okay, fella, what are you doing with the Professor's credit card?

Where'd you get it?

l'm sorry. Perhaps you need the money more than l thought...

(JASON GROANS)

JASON: (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! That's a bus!

You're gonna kill us, man! What the hell is the matter...

Oh, man! This is Freddy Krueger shit, man!

Professor?

Hello, Jason.

JASON: (SCREAMING) What's happening?

(SIREN WAILING)

First time we had to use one of these without an accident.

The class left 20 minutes ago.

Dean Richmond! Oh, hello, sir.

You caught me in the middle of an experiment l was doing.

l was trying to see how the students would respond to a teacher-less environment.

Teacher-less environment? New field of research for you?

Yes, sir.

lnteresting. Always thinking.

That's good, Klump. Let me know your results.

Would you mind explaining this?

Oh! Yeah, well, my car's in the shop, so...

So you put a $47,000 luxury car on your faculty account.

lnitially, l... l requested a Yugo, and this is all they had...

lf it's all they had, it's all they had.

After all, men like us can't walk around now, can we?

(CHUCKLING) Come on.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, well, well. l'm glad you're taking it like that, sir.

l thought you was gonna get angry and start screaming

and hollering, and maybe even fire me.

(LAUGHING) Whoo! Oh, Sherman, Sherman.

ln the end we know so little of each other, hmm?

No, my friend, l've got bigger fish to fry. l spoke to Harlan Hartley.

He's offering that tiny trinket that could save your entire research program.

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

l set up a meeting with him.

He wants to hear your grant proposal personally.

Friday, the Ritz, dinner, 8:00 sharp.

Well, sir, l think that's a wonderful idea, sir. Absolutely.

And l promise you, l will not let you down.

l know you won't.

l know you're going to be there and you're going to be great.

ln fact, l know you're going to be perfect.

(LAUGHING)

Do you know how l know?

How's that?

'Cause if you're not perfect,

never mind the yelling and the screaming and the firing.

lf anything goes wrong for any reason, l'm going to kill you.

l don't mean that as a euphemism. l'm going to literally kill you.

l'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply

until you pass away.

(EXCLAIMS) Okay.

Till Friday, then.

lt's a date.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Sir, this is incredible.

lt's... lt's a complete metabolic transformation.

How did it happen? Was it an accident?

No, l did it to myself, Jason.

You did? Why?

lf it was for the grant, the data with Shelley was already so compelling.

Well, l have compelling reasons of my own, Jason.

l have a case of infatuation of sorts with Miss Purty.

Professor, if you feel this way about Carla, why don't you tell her?

lt'd be a lot simpler than transforming into...

This guy's testosterone levels are right off the charts.

He was mean last night. lt was so unlike you.

You know, l did feel that.

Sir, you can't control him.

Jason, you have no idea what it feels like to be Buddy Love.

lt's indescribable. lt's just wonderful!

The way people talk to him and treat him, and the way she looks at him.

But he's dangerous. He almost killed us last night.

We should be concentrating on getting the grant proposal to Harlan Hartley.

This is nuts!

l guess you're right, Jason. l never have behaved like this before.

But on the other hand,

l've never been in love before.

Ever.

Afternoon, Carla.

Hi, Sherman.

How are you doing today?

Pretty good.

l come over to see how things were going with you and Buddy.

l wish l knew.

We went out last night. lt was great. We had such a wonderful time.

And then all of a sudden he runs out of the club.

He has some allergic reaction.

l don't even know if he's all right.

He's fine.

He told me that his lip swelled up,

he put ice on it and the swelling came down.

Kinda strange, huh?

Well, did he even ask about me?

Did he say why he didn't call me and let me know he was all right?

Carla, Buddy's kind of unreliable.

He's kind of what you call

a "here today, gone tomorrow" kind of fellow.

Oh, l see. Mmm-hmm.

So he had you talk to me because he's not interested anymore.

No, it's nothing quite like that. Look.

l know what it feels like to be brushed off, and it's okay.

This is all my fault.

l should've never encouraged you to go out with Buddy.

Sherman, you have been so sweet.

l'll just have to forget about him. l'll see you later.

Carla.

l was wondering if

l could talk to you about you and l, for a second.

l was...

l was wondering what you were doing later,

'cause the family gonna get together.

She made a meal

and we gonna be eating, so l figured

if you not doing anything for dinner,

we'd love to have you, if you want to come over for dinner.

We'd love to have you over for dinner.

l'd love to.

Would you, now?

Yes, l would.

Should we call and make sure there's going to be enough food?

l don't think that's going to be a problem.

(ALL CHATTERING)

MAMA: There's nothing like being with family!

GRANDMA: l am hungry. Come on, now.

Carla, where are you from?

Chicago.

Oh, Chicago! We have family there.

PAPA: Windy city, huh?

l was working on a skyscraper in Chicago once,

and my lunch blew off the 27th floor.

Yeah, l figure your fat ass would remember

somebody's sandwich flying off a building.

(LOUD BELCH)

Oh, baby, eat some bread.

Miss Purty, are you and Sherman having relations?

TOGETHER: That's a good question.

No, Grandma.

lt's not like that. We're colleagues.

Oh. PROFESSOR: We just work together.

That's how it start out colleagues.

Me and your grandfather was colleagues.

Next thing you know he's on top of me in the shed, pumping and a-sweating.

lt's not like that.

PAPA: Will you hush up?

He's never brought a girl home.

The least you can do is let us talk to her.

Yeah, l'd like to get to know her a little better myself.

Ain't nothing wrong with having relations. Don't be ashamed of that.

Relations is beautiful.

When l was young l used to always have relations.

Every night, if a nice gentleman bring me flowers and candy,

take me to a movie, show me a lovely evening,

then l would take him home and give him hot, lovely relations.

Relations is a beautiful thing.

lt's nothing to be ashamed of.

Especially two young people.

That blowhole.

Cletus!

Sometimes when l'm alone, l relate to myself.

l can relate.

Oh, Mama.

l don't wanna hear this shit while l'm eating.

MAMA: Cletus!

(WHISPERING) l'm gonna kill you later.

Carla, do you like children? Yes.

Oh, that's wonderful.

l can't wait for Sherman to bring me home some grandbabies.

ERNIE: l know you're gonna enjoy making them babies.

Got those childbearing hips.

(CLEARS THROAT) Baby'll pop right out.

(MAKES POPPING SOUND)

Your family got any money? l ain't paying for no big-ass wedding.

l know a wonderful minister.

What religious background are you?

l still got my wedding dress. lf you want it, l'll take it in.

You'd look so lovely in it. lt's white though.

Can you wear a white wedding dress, young lady?

Now, Sherman, you can wear a white tuxedo.

'Cause you know Sherman,

(WHISPERING) Sherman has never had relations.

Mama, you gonna embarrass my baby.

GRANDMA: l hope you got a strong back.

MAMA: Oh, look at my baby blushing.

When you get all that man, and release all that

that's been built up for 35 years.

Just wanting and wanting and wanting!

(EXCLAIMS) Might make your head blow off.

Pop goes the weasel!

l got my own self hot telling that story.

Pop goes the weasel, 'cause the weasel say "pop!"

You gonna get married here, or in Chicago?

MAMA: Do you cook? 'Cause somebody's got to feed my Sherman.

Yeah, l know a wonderful church down there on Main Street,

but they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.

Not that l have anything against lesbians. l love lesbians.

Lesbians is cool.

There's nothing wrong with a little bingo.

A little cunnilingus ain't never hurt nobody.

Why is it the woman always gets the choice where they're gonna be married?

Tradition. Tradition, my ass!

l ain't gonna pay for everybody flying to no Chicago!

You know how much plane tickets cost?

You cheap bastard.

PAPA: We're gonna have to drive down there.

l'm not driving over to Chicago.

(SINGING) Sherman gonna have relations

My baby's not getting married.

(LOUD FART)

There you go again,

popping off gas in front of this lovely young lady.

We're trying to have a meal. Put that brake on this gas.

l hope your ass turn into a frog.

Don't nobody want to hear your flatulence, Cletus Klump.

(LOUD FART)

MAMA: You're such a disgrace!

PAPA: l stopped holding my gas a long time ago.

MAMA: You spoiled the dinner!

(ERNIE JR. LAUGHING) PAPA: Say one more word.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

(BELL TOLLING)

Listen, Carla,

l want to apologize about my family back there.

l think they got the wrong idea about things.

Oh, no. l should apologize.

l'm so sorry if l seemed distant tonight.

l still have Buddy on my mind.

You really care for Buddy, huh?

l don't know.

l mean, on the outside, he seems so cocky and brash.

But when l look in his eyes, l see kindness, l see warmth.

And that's the side of Buddy l wanted to get to know.

l just got way ahead of myself.

And here l am, talking your ear off once again about Buddy.

No, it's quite all right, really.

Listen, Carla,

don't you worry about Buddy.

l'll find him for you.

Thank you, Sherman.

Thank you for being such a good friend to me.

A good friend.

Good night.

Good night.

(SIGHS)

(LOUD CRASHING)

Professor?

ls that you? l just finished the grant proposal.

What's the matter with you?

Never seen a brother wearing a circus tent before?

Black man can't go camping?

Now, wait a minute, you... You can't be you.

We agreed that you wouldn't do this.

Someone has to tend to chunky butt's sex life.

Chunky butt is extremely horny. Excuse me.

But Professor Klump has a meeting tonight with Harlan Hartley at the Ritz.

l'm gonna be at the Ritz tonight, but it will not be in the interest of science.

No! l can't let you go.

Professor!

lf you're in there and you can hear me, come out!

Professor, listen to me. The testosterone levels are way too high.

You can't control him.

(WHEEZING)

(GROANING AND MOANING)

Oh! Jason! What?

(GASPING) lt's me, Sherman.

l'm talking to you from deep down inside Buddy Love.

Listen to me closely. Go in the back room while l'm holding him

and get the coagulant serum off the back shelf!

ln the storage closet? Yes, Jason!

l got it! Hurry, Jason!

l got it! We don't have much time. Let's move!

(YELLS)

(MANIACAL LAUGHING)

Professor! Professor!

l have an appointment with love! Good night, hamster boy!

(POUNDING ON DOOR) No, Professor!

(SCREAMING)

"Sorry l haven't phoned, but l haven't been myself lately.

"Join me for dinner. Buddy Love.

"P.S. l've enclosed a wallet-sized photo for your enjoyment."

(CHUCKLING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Buddy, how can l stay mad at you? This is gorgeous!

You're gorgeous and l'm gorgeous,

so we should be in gorgeous surroundings.

Let me get the room key.

Wait. Hold it.

l didn't say anything about going to any room with you.

You said you were taking me to dinner.

What are you talking about? Oh, you think that... Oh!

Oh, my... Hey, hey, hey. Slow down.

l just want to spend some time with you, by ourselves.

l don't want to share you with these people. l want to eat, alone, quiet.

l would never disrespect you. l'm a puppy dog.

Please, can l go get this room?

(BARKS QUIETLY)

Yes? Yes.

l'd throw him in the river with a Buick tied to his neck.

He'd probably drag the car down.

Miss Purty. Purty! Dean Richmond.

Have you seen Professor Klump? He's 40 minutes late.

lf Harlan Hartley walks out that door, $10 million goes with him.

Oh, Lord. l'm gonna have to lay down in front of his car.

Let's go. Buddy, you know Sherman's research.

He's late for a meeting. Fill in for him.

No, it's a nice thought, but he'd have to know Sherman's research.

You know Sherman's research? Who are you?

You might say l'm a visiting professor

who might be staying for a while.

l do know Sherman's work. ln fact, l am Sherman's work.

Buddy!

Do you think you can do Klump's job

and crowbar that dough out of Hartley?

There's not a job on this planet l can't do twice as good as Sherman.

Good. Follow me.

l'll go do this just 'cause you asked me, not 'cause of him.

You just stay put.

l've got to go be brilliant. Look at your fine self.

l bet you have on a thong made of licorice, don't you?

Excuse me.

(RICHMOND LAUGHING)

All righty!

Well, this had better be Professor Klump.

Klump? That fraud, that hack, that no-talent.

No, sir, this is the man behind Klump's work, the real genius.

l give you Professor Buddy Love.

All right, Professor Love.

You have one minute to show me your research.

Oh, no, you got it backwards, Rockefeller. You have one minute to listen.

May l borrow this? You haven't used it, have you?

Don't want to get your boogers on my fingers.

Okay. Here we go.

25N times C.

You have to excuse my handwriting. l'm in a bit of a rush.

You have a pleasant evening. Good night.

Professor Love,

don't you think Mr. Hartley would like to know what that means in lay terms?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you mean rich-dummy terms?

l'll break it down for the rich dummies in the room. Listen up.

lf you eat nasty stuff like this...

l know it looks good, and some of y'all like pork chops,

but this greasy, nasty pork chop,

do you realize there's a gene in your DNA

that routes this straight to your fat cells,

and it causes unsightly conditions.

Case in point, this woman is suffering from what l like to call "Jell-O arms."

The arm is taking on a gelatin sort of vibe. lt's quite nasty.

To my left, this gentleman has turkey neck.

To my immediate left, this woman is suffering from what we like to call,

"Saddlebag syndrome."

To my extreme left,

this young lady is suffering from what l like to call "Tank ass."

Please, sit down. Not tonight. l'm your brother!

Like l was saying, everybody, where there's a will, there's a way.

There is a way we can turn these genes off.

l'm not talking about using exercise or diet.

l'm talking about by taking a simple solution

that helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands,

thus giving you the appearance of,

in medical terms, gluteus minimus.

Or, in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass.

Let's give a big round of applause for the woman with the nice ass.

Her ass is so nice, don't you agree? She's worked so hard.

Have a seat. Oh, are these girls with you?

Everyone has a nice ass at this table.

ls this the nice-ass section?

(LAUGHTER)

Where'd you find this man?

Harlan, it's an outrage.

l assure you he has no affiliation with this school.

He's brilliant.

Exactly my point.

lt's an outrage that his brilliance

has no affiliation with this school.

That's why l found him and brought him to your money.

Attention. Brought him to your attention.

(CLOCK BELL STRIKING)

My goodness, it is time to take my medication.

Professor!

Hartley loved you. He's going to be at the Alumni Ball tomorrow night.

lf you can prove the formula works, the ten million is ours!

What makes you so sure that the money is ours,

instead of just being mine?

(LAUGHS) You're good, Love. Very good.

How'd you like to fill in for Professor Klump on a more permanent basis?

That's what l had in mind.

He talked to me first.

Hey, l'm the one with the gluteus minimus.

Will you guys just chill? He said he could handle all three of us.

With a name like Buddy Love, l bet he can.

Carla, are you ready to go upstairs?

l guess not.

Hey... Where you going? What's your problem?

They're my problem, and you can handle all three of them, huh?

Oh, well, l thought after dinner you might want to have a little group activity.

After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.

Oh, you are one sick, twisted freak!

Oh, come on, Carla. What's the... Hey!

Go on, leave! There's more titties over here anyway!

Think l want them two titties. l have six titties.

l had two titties. Now l have six. That's multiplication.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ON STEREO) Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Boys will be boys

(BUDDY CHEERING) Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, yeah! This is what l call burning calories!

Come on! Help me burn this stuff up!

(GUESTS WHOOPING)

Yeah! Hey, this is going down to Mr. Wilson downstairs!

(CHANTING) The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

(ALL CHANTING) The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

(WHOOPING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sherman?

(CANS CRUNCHING)

Sherman?

(CANS CLATTERING)

Sherman?

(MOANING)

(SNIFFING AND SMACKING LIPS)

CARLA: Sherman?

(CHUCKLING)

Sherman?

(GASPS)

(LOUD THUD)

Sherman, is that you? Are you all right?

Oh, hi, Carla. Hi.

(CHUCKLING)

Did you have a party last night?

Oh, no. My cleaning lady's...

Cleaning lady's sick, so l got to clean up myself.

l see. You sure she didn't die?

(LAUGHING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Oh. Look, l'm a little embarrassed about the way how my place is looking.

Why don't l clean up and get back at you later?

No, no, no. Sherman, l need to talk to you now.

lt's about Buddy.

He hasn't been misbehaving, has he?

He's an egotistical pig, and l wish l never met him.

But, Sherman, l owe you a very big apology.

You owe me an apology? Yes.

Last night l was only trying to help,

l insisted that Buddy Love speak to Harlan Hartley.

He took all the credit for your research.

Now Dean Richmond...

WOMAN: Where's Buddy?

Oh... Buddy came here?

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) No!

So what's this?

Are you guys... You guys share girls?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

l guess l was next on the list.

No, you don't understand.

l cannot believe l came over here feeling sorry for you.

Carla, will you please just listen to me?

l assure you it is not what it appears to be!

You're no better than he is!

You are just as sick as Buddy, and l don't wanna see you or him again!

Carla, please just listen. Carla!

"Eviction notice? Violation of noise ordinance?"

(CANS CLATTERING)

Professor, we have to get to the lab right away.

Whatever it is, is gonna have to wait until later.

No, that's the thing. There isn't gonna be a later.

JASON: Professor, what did you do last night?

Jason, l have such a bad hangover, l honestly do not remember.

Well, the good news is l'm not going to kill you,

not physically, anyway.

l am, however, going to kill you professionally.

You're not only fired from this institution,

but l'm going to make sure you never get hired

by any other college in the state,

the country, the world, maybe even the universe.

Unless, of course, they're looking for teachers on Planet Fat.

Oh, by the way,

Buddy Love is going to be using your invitation to the alumni ball,

so show a little school spirit and see that he gets it.

(SINGING) We're in the money

Put that food down! They ate yesterday!

...really tight and say, "Yes, l can."

Say it again.

LANCE AND AUDIENCE: Yes, l can!

Hey, chunky drawers! Hey, tank ass!

What are you eating? Mu·in? Strudel? Put it down. Let me talk to you.

lf you're receiving this message, that means you went and plumped back up

to your usual, fat, sorry, stuff-my-face-till- l'm almost-dead self.

ls that what you did? Shame on you, Sherman!

Do you know what you did last night? You had the time of your life.

Do you know you can get arrested in ·· states

for the shit you did just last night?

(GIGGLING)

Oh, my goodness!

You know what you need to do?

You need to go down to the laboratory

and mix up another batch of this blue stuff.

Come on back to the party, Sherman, because Carla doesn't want you.

She wants me. Me, not you.

So come join me because you can't beat me.

You can't beat me. You can't beat me!

Yes, l can!

(BUDDY LAUGHS) Yes, l can.

Professor, l got your message. What's up?

l'm going to that alumni ball tonight, and l'm gonna reclaim my life.

Yes! l'm so glad to hear you say that.

Get things straight with Miss Purty,

and l'm gonna get that grant from Harlan Hartley.

Excellent.

Jason, we have seen the last of Buddy Love.

(BIG BAND PLAYS lN THE MOOD)

Horace, good to see you. The jitterbug contest just started.

l'm kidding, l'm kidding. Your table's upstairs.

That's anotherjoke.

When did you marry Sharon Stone?

Keep those legs crossed.

Hartley. Damn it. And where the hell is Buddy Love?

No sign of him yet, sir.

Here's an idea.

Find him!

Yes, sir.

Harlan. Well, Richmond.

Where's your Professor Buddy Love?

Oh, with you it's always business.

Let's get to know each other man-to-man.

Now, if our files are correct,

you and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter.

l'm divorced, and my daughter is in rehab.

So you're saying our files are not correct.

Listen, you pompous butt-kisser.

l have a check in my pocket for $10 million.

Your Buddy Love has till midnight to prove that formula works.

He'll be here, the formula works, and you have the check.

Really? On you now? Because on behalf of... Which pocket?

No, don't tell me. Let me smell it. Punch?

Oh, come on, now. Look at this.

l can't eat this. This stuff is too tiny.

l can't get full off this mess!

l think it's wonderful, all the precious little finger foods.

Finger food? l got a finger for them.

l ain't paid no $100 ticket for no finger food.

l could go down to Subway, get me a sandwich for $3.

l gotta pay a $100 ticket for finger food?

You must be crazy to think l'm gonna eat this...

You're getting on my damn nerves!

Shut up! l'm hungry!

There's Carla. l wonder if she's seen Sherman. Carla!

Carla. Oh.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Oh, you look fabulous.

Thank you, Mrs. Klump.

Have you seen Sherman?

Yeah, where's Sherman at?

l ain't come to pay no $100 ticket to suffer this alone.

Cletus, shut up, please!

Hey! That's strike two.

l don't think Sherman will be coming tonight.

Yes, he is. Sherman called me and told me make sure we was here.

He got a big announcement to make.

Something about getting it all off his chest.

Have you noticed that Sherman's been acting kind of strange lately?

Sherman has definitely been acting strange lately.

l knew it! See, Cletus? l told you.

You really think l be listening to you. l ain't listening to you!

Well, Mrs. Klump, l hope you have a wonderful evening.

Oh, you do the same. Thank you so much. So precious.

Look at your little purple dress.

They gonna think we twins.

(CHUCKLING) Mr. Klump.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Fabulous.

You know, Cletus, l think something's going on between her and Sherman.

You don't go get up in Sherman's business. That's Sherman's business.

Sherman's business? That's my business. Sherman is my baby.

Sherman's 35 years old! What you talking about he's your baby?

l don't wanna hear it. Shut up, please!

Carla! That's strike three, damn it!

Don't you walk away from me, God damn it!

(MUTTERING)

Hey, this is the last of it, Professor.

l'll tell you this, Jason.

lf l'm gonna change my life, it's not gonna come from some magic drink.

Gotta come from a lot of hard work and exercise and plenty of these.

Good bye, Buddy Love. Hello, Megashake.

(GULPING)

(SCREAMING)

Professor?

Oh!

l lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds!

Thanks, Megashake!

You tricked him!

You damn right, hamster boy.

l knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me.

That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life.

(LAUGHING)

See, l've done some calculations of my own.

lf l drink 500 milliliters of formula,

l'll have enough cellular stability

to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!

You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you!

lf l drink it all at once, yes.

lf l drink half now and half later, that's safe.

At midnight, l don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin.

lf you don't mind, l have a date at the alumni ball,

and you have a date with linoleum.

Who?

(MAMA KLUMP LAUGHS)

No, no, no, child. Not a wild party. Not Sherman.

He's too shy for something like that. He hates parties.

ln fact, we tried to have a party for Sherman when he was 1·-years-old

and he's so shy, he didn't even show up.

Well, l must admit, it didn't seem like the Sherman l knew.

Oh, no, not my baby.

Maybe he loaned his house out to somebody

or one of his buddies was throwing a party.

BUDDY: Yeah!

ls that a test tube in my pocket? Or am l just happy to see you?

Oh! How dare you? Oh, you know you loved it.

l felt you percolating.

(GASPS) Whoo!

Hey, thanks a lot, man. Thank you so much.

Oh! What you serving here?

This stuff is... Y'all got to get some collard greens and yams!

Some red beans and rice!

Some "Buddy" is right.

This ain't no party! RICHMOND: Dr. Love!

This ain't no ball!

Y'all gotta get y'all some peach cobbler up in here!

Professor Love! Where the hell have you been?

l've been nursemaiding Hartley for three hours,

and if l didn't need that money...

Shut up!

Who you think you're talking to, Sherman Klump?

Man, if you ever talk to me like that again, l'll kill you!

l don't mean that as a euphemism. l mean, l'm gonna literally kill you.

l'm gonna strangle you and cut off your air supply until you pass away!

BUDDY: Now find the rich dummy a seat. lt's show time.

lt's show time, everybody!

Show time!

(BUDDY CACKLING)

(JASON GROANING)

(BEEPING)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

BUDDY: That's enough out of you! That's it.

You're the reason everybody falling asleep.

Take a break, Nigger-ace.

Take the Everly Brothers with you. Get out of here!

Look at everybody sleeping because of y'all! lt's show time!

Now why are y'all looking at me like y'all don't know me?

Y'all know me!

l don't know that fool.

How about now? You recognize me?

l don't know that fool.

Maybe it's because

this morning, l weighed 400 pounds!

You should've seen me. Look at me now.

You know how l did it? One sip.

l know why he like that, 'cause he drunk.

Be quiet! Don't tell me to be quiet! He drunk!

l like to call it "Buddy's Wonder Tonic."

l know what wonder tonic you had.

(WATCH ALARM BEEPING)

Right on schedule.

Cellular destabilization due to arrive in exactly three,

(BEEPING)

two, one...

(SLOSHING)

Ain't that a bitch!

What the hell? My goodness!

Hey, moneybags, you want a demonstration?

Well, then feast your eyes on this.

(SLOSHING)

That's a hell of a trick.

(BEEPING)

Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration...

Look out, David Copperfield. l'm about to make a 400-pound fat man

disappear forever!

No! Wait!

l cannot let you do this anymore!

This has got to stop!

This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!

That's it. l'm glad l brought my knife.

Mmm-hmm. And l got my razor.

Hand over the vial now!

Oh, sure thing, hamster boy.

But first, a short musical interlude.

(GASPING)

Buddy!

What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman?

Sherman is gone! Disappeared!

(MUTTERING) What the hell...

And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his.

(BEEPING)

Oh! l'm late for an appointment.

Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump!

l hate being called hamster boy.

(GUESTS GASPING)

You just don't know when to quit, do you?

(GUESTS GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

lt's too late, fat boy. lt's over!

(STRAINING) Let go! Let go!

My goodness! Damn!

(GRUNTING AND GAGGING) Give it up, fat boy! lt's over!

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) lt ain't over till the fat professor sings!

(SHRIEKING)

Let go of my hand, you fat mother...

Say one more word, Buddy, l'll tear your arm off!

lt's time we take Nestea... Plunge!

(GRUNTING)

(SOBBING)

Gonna get the hell out of here in a second. lt's okay.

(GRUNTING)

Sweet Jesus!

Sherman!

Sherman, don't do this! You need me!

No, l don't!

You fat ass!

Tinkerbell!

Blubber butt!

Featherweight!

Somebody better call an exorcist!

Sherman! Sherman! You can't beat me!

This is some scary shit!

(GRUNTING)

Yes, l can!

(ALARM BEEPING)

Sherman, come back here! Sherman!

What's happening to me?

Everything's getting real dark! Oh! l feel real jiggly!

(PANTING) l'm blubbifying! Sherman!

You need me! l taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman!

Sherman! No matter what!

No matter what, you got to strut.

(CROWD GASPS)

(SIGHS)

(CROWD MOANING)

l ain't gonna be picking up your big ass all night, Anna. Shit.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Well, l'll be damned.

(EXHALES)

lf you give me a moment, l believe l can try to explain.

My research is...

Well, when l started out l...

l wanted to help people.

But l became desperate and selfish.

What l did was wrong.

Buddy's who l thought the whole world wanted me to be.

He's who l thought l wanted to be.

And sometimes when you want something so, so bad,

you do just about anything to get it.

But l learned one thing from Buddy.

l learned that life is not about

being happy about how much you weigh,

but just being happy with yourself.

l'm terribly sorry about all this.

l hope l haven't ruined everybody's evening.

Please excuse me.

(WHISPERING) l'm sorry.

Sherman!

Sherman!

Sherman, wait a minute.

Sherman, why did you lie to me?

Why didn't you say anything?

l didn't think you'd have me.

l mean, the fact of the matter is l'm a big man.

Now, l will lose weight, but l'm always gonna be big no matter what l do.

So, anybody l wind up with is just going to have to accept me for who l am.

And more important, l'm just going to have to accept myself for who l am.

Sherman,

l don't have a date tonight.

Would you like to dance with me?

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

JASON: Professor,

l thought you might need this.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, l guess l tore this one up, huh?

(LAUGHING)

You know one thing l couldn't stand about that Buddy?

What's that? He was too damn scrawny.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Okay, Professor! Looking good!

Have l mentioned we also have a terrific English Department?

l'm giving him the grant. What?

l hate to admit it, but you're absolutely right.

He's a brilliant scientist and a gentleman as well.

Well, l told you!

HARTLEY: Will you shut up!

l'm fine with that.

Oh, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!

(LAUGHING) Light as a feather tonight. Come on, bump me.

Yeah!

(GASPS)

Oh, oh, my goodness! l'm so sorry. l'm sorry.

You didn't hurt yourself, did you?

(CHUCKLES) l'm fine.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah!

Fabulous!

(MACHO MAN PLAYING)

(FARTING) Oh, my Lord!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Don't start. Do it again.

Go on, fart! l hope your asshole fall out...

(LAUGHING)

l thought it just was... l thought a colonic was a massage.

(LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

For only research, and...

(LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING) What? What film is this?

Your research.

Get back in there!

(LAUGHING) We ain't ready for you yet. Now what were you saying?

Hold on a minute. Let me go deal with my girl.

What's wrong with y'all?

Professor Klump, the cages, what happened?

They can't see me with your head there.

(CREW LAUGHING)

l made a fart last week.

lt smelled so bad it had a chain hanging from it.

(LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

(MUFFLED) l can't talk.

(CREW LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

l seen Sherman get so hungry once when he was young,

he beat up a grown man.

(CREW LAUGHING)

l'm sorry.

(LAUGHING)

l'm freaking out over here 'cause Eddie's over here saying some wild crap.

Do you...

(LAUGHING)

(FARTING)

(LAUGHING) Oh! You're supposed to say, "Excuse me."

(FARTING)

Oh! Oh, baby, you...

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Hey, little Hercules, you want some more coleslaw?

(CREW LAUGHING)

Come on, Cletus. Come on. No (BEEP) it... Come on.

Come on, Cletus. Come on. Come on, Cletus.

Come on. Come on, Cletus!

(CREW LAUGHING)

Come on! Come on, Cletus. No.

Come on, come on. No (BEEP) it... Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, let's do this.

Let's do this!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey, hey

Ooo

Oh

Yeah, hey, hey, yeah

Boy, you got a lot to learn about love

You just gotta get down with the right equation

Put down that book and see what you're missing

Missing

Come and get your A

Come and get it, come and get it

Come and get it, come and get it, come and get it

Ooo

Homework

Something that you got to do

lt's a school rule

And you know you got to go through

First grade before you get to graduation

Homework

Welcome to your education

Homework

Learn a little every day

Homework

Know a little every day

Another Friday night

Another honey sitting in my ride

Another lyrical favor from your sexy neighbor

Make you wave your hands from side to side

ln '95 we did it

But this year l bring a new twist

You see, l'm hear to announce this song of a bounce

So everybody bounce 2 this

lt's so right lt's so right

lt's so nice

l tell you, it'll make you wanna bounce 2 this

Bounce 2 this, bounce 2 this

Yeah, it's so right

lt's so nice lt's so nice

lt's so nice

l tell you it'll make you wanna bounce 2 this

Bounce 2 this, bounce 2 this

Yeah, it's so right

Bounce 2 this, bounce 2 this

Come on, baby

New York, bounce 2 this

Come on, now

Yeah, bounce 2 this

Atlanta, bounce 2 this Yeah

Come on, baby, bounce 2 this

D.C with a go-go

Bounce 2 this

You know l mean it Bounce 2 this

lt's all right

l been to parties across the USA

l've been to other countries and l made those people say

For dinner, oh, my cup is finally low

So pass the yellow Z and hold on now

Ladies, help me sing it

WOMEN: l wanna party across the USA

You go, sugar

l've been to other countries and l heard those people say

For dinner

My cup was running low

Now pass the yellow Z and let the music play

And act like you know it's all right

lt's all right

lt's so nice

lt's so nice

And l'll make you wanna bounce 2 this

Bounce 2 this, bounce 2 this

l can tell

lt's so nice

You wanna boogie

lt's so nice

l can tell you wanna boogie, baby

With Montell you wanna boogie

lt's so nice