All language subtitles for The.Replacements.S01E04_English

[theme song plays]

♪ Todd and Riley were, oh, so sad ♪

♪ Then they came 'cross a Fleemco ad ♪

♪ They sent away a $1.98 ♪

♪ Got a superspy mom ♪

♪ And a daredevil dude of a dad ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ The replacements ♪

♪ Now anytime they come across adults ♪

♪ Who are sly and deny and deprive them ♪

♪ And make things bad ♪

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem]
Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, we need a replacement.

And fast.

♪ And anytime they wanna make a change ♪

♪ Modify and rearrange ♪

♪ Though it might get kinda strange ♪

♪ Make 'em better, nice
And strong and fast ♪

♪ And smart and cool and maybe even lame ♪

♪ Call in the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Just get the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

[Dick]
Ah, the morning paper.

My intellectual stimulant
to start the day.

So sorry, dear.
The kids took the funny pages.

Oh, all right.
I'll read the wordy pages.

[gasps]
Kay, you're in today's newspaper.

You were crowned Miss Ingunaguay?

I thought you were British.

Oh, dear, Riley, you know cutting things
out of the newspaper confuses your father.

Sorry, Mom. I needed that article

for research for my new job
on the school paper.

As famed reporter Amanda McMurphy says,
"Anything for the truth. "

Hey, I got your first headline.

"New Reporter Wears Dorky Hat."

Just because I wouldn't
let you wear it doesn't mean it's dorky.

[scoffs]

[thinking] Patience, Todd.
She has to sleep sometime.

That hat will soon be ours.

Well, I'm thrilled for you, Riley.

The world needs more inquisitive minds.

Not too inquisitive though.

There are some facts
that are better left unrevealed.

[bell rings]

Excuse me, sir.
Are you Mr. Fraley?

[yells]
What's with the third degree?

What are you,
some kind of reporter or something?

-Um, actually, yes.
-Well, let me tell you something.

Asking deep, probing questions
like, "Are you Mr. Fraley?"

-Won't fly around here.
-Sorry, sir.

So, what's my first big scoop?

Election fraud? Forged report cards?
Juice box smuggling ring?

Oh, my, no.
Those stories could upset someone.

Here at the George Stapler
Middle School Post,

we prefer to focus on stories about
inanimate objects.

"Local Stone Gathers Moss?"

-That sounds like a pretty bland paper.
-That's our motto.

"A pretty bland paper since 1972."
Wow. I guess that answers that.

We like to think of ourselves
as the plain yogurt of newspapers.

Now go out there
and try not to offend anybody.

Yes, sir!

[shuddering]

[Shelton]
Funding stalls on bathroom stalls.

Paint continues to dry.

Weekend temperatures hit record average.

-Excuse me.
-Yes?

-Which way to the boys' room?
-Buy a paper, and I'll tell you.

Oh...

[snoring]
Plain... yogurt.

-Mr. Fraley?
-[yelps]

Oh, Riley. It's you.

I've been on edge
after all the complaint letters

I received about your
controversial articles.

Controversial?
Are you kidding?

Hey, these are from you.

That's right.
You turned my plain yogurt of a newspaper

into a newspaper with fruit at the bottom.

Now quit stirring up trouble.
And fruit.

-[yelling]
-[thudding]

[groans]

[Mr. Fleem]
Hello. Fleemco.

Hello, sir.
I need a new journalism teacher.

Someone like hard hitting
investigative reporter Amanda McMurphy.

Proof read the phone book?

That sounds like the most boring,
tedious job in the world.

I'll take it!

[woman]
Now, you listen to me, Charlie.

Excuses are a dime a dozen,
and you're having a close-out sale.

I tell you, things are
gonna get done my way,

or I'm not hard hitting,
investigative reporter Amanda McMurphy.

Now that's thin crust no tomatoes.

And it better be here in 30 minutes sharp.

[exclaiming]

Wow. You're Amanda McMurphy.
Fleemco is good!

You got keen eyes, kid.
Throw in a little gumption,

and you might just have
a future at this rag.

-What's the name?
-Riley Daring.

Daring! Daring. I like it.
Has a certain daring quality to it.

Now your old teacher Mr. Fraley split,

skedaddled, took the one way train
to Sayonaraville, so I'm stepping in.

Now tell me, kid,
what's the first rule of journalism.

Anything for the truth.

Bingo! The truth element.
That sells papers.

I got a nose for scandal, kid,
and this school is like an onion.

-The more you peel, the more it stinks.
-Huh?

Now I want you to go out
and dig up some stories.

Even if Joe Somebody
looks at you crossways.

I don't know what that means, but OK.

A-ha. He's corking his boot.

Boys of Spring foul out
in kickball boot stuffing scandal.

[all yelling]

A-ha!

[Shelton]
Extra! Extra!

Lunch lady admits last week's tacos
are this week's sloppy Joes.

[all yelling]

[man laughing]

No one will know that
these number two pencils

are really the cheaper,
inferior number ones.

With the money I've saved,

I'll be spending
my spring break in Tahiti.

And nobody will ever be the wiser.

[laughing]

[Shelton]
Extra! Extra!

Number two pencils
are actually number ones.

All standardized test scores voided.

[shudders]

Phew.

[crowd yelling]

[Shelton]
Who wears high heels in middle school?

Oh, are those cleats?
Oh, my back.

How dare you speak to me like that.
Do you know who I am?

Hard hitting, investigative reporter
Amanda McMurphy, that's who.

Copy!

And I do not want to change
my long distance service.

Riley, just the girl I wanted to see.

Your articles are good,
great, first rate, fantastic.

-Our circulation has sky rocketed.
-Great. Where do we go from here?

Kid relatable stories.
That's what the readers want.

Take your classmates for example.

What's in their lockers?
What do they wear to class?

Do they keep a journal?
Don't they keep a journal?

If not, why not, and what for?

The truth is out there,
Riley, and it must be told.

My classmates.
Of course.

Thanks, Ms. McMurphy.

So, did you guys hear about Johnny?

Don't tell anybody, but he totally asked
Jessica to go to the fall social.

But then he found out
that Cindy wasn't going with Derek,

so then Johnny asked Cindy
but never told Jessica,

so now he's got two dates
to the same dance.

[scoffs]
He is such a pig.

[scoffs]
Such a pig.

I so wish he'd ask me.

[all] Yeah.

Extra! Extra! Johnny Hitswell
caught in love triangle.

Uh-oh.

Extra! Extra!

Fashion queen caught
buying from sale rack.

-[all laughing]
-I swear I paid full price. [crying]

Psst. Pass this over to Jacobo.

-To Jacobo.
-To Jacobo.

To Jacobo.

Extra! Extra!

Tasumi totally crushing on Jacobo.

Will he check yes, no, or maybe?

Give those to me.

My hearts been crushed with a maybe.

Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Nothing I want printed
on the front page of the newspaper.

You've made my list, Riley.

Right above Gamazoar,
and right below Mechagamazoar.

Man, I used to think you were cool.
[scoffs]

[all]
No comment.

Todd, Todd, I need a story by tomorrow,
and my overly sensitive friends

don't seem to understand the importance
of reporting the truth.

Wish I could help you
girl who wouldn't share

her awesomely dorky reporter hat.

But Mr. Wiggles and I have to get to bed.
Don't we, Mr. Wiggles?

Hmm?

[Ms. McMurphy] "Big Boys Who Still
Sleep With Their Toys."

I love it.

It's got scandal, a human interest angle,
a pink elephant, the works.

I'm running it on the front page
of tomorrow's paper.

-But first, we need a comment from Todd.
-I'm on it.

You did what?

Todd, haven't you ever heard
the truth will set you free?

Someday you'll thank me for this.

Yeah, years from now when people
finally stop laughing at me.

You're about to humiliate me
in front of the whole school.

Worse than that kid who accidentally
glued his butt to the flag pole.

I'm sorry, Todd.
I was just trying to report the truth.

You know, it's one thing to hurt me,

but I don't think Mr. Wiggles
will ever get over this.

[crying]

What have I done?

[Agent K]
You let ambition cloud your good judgment.

But I was just trying
to give everyone the truth.

Riley, sometimes protecting an ally
is more important than exposing the truth.

Say, for example, oh,

your ally were a high-ranking
government official

who you happened to know
kept his satellite launch codes

in a lockbox below...
Where's Mr. Abbey?

Now that's something
you'll want to keep to yourself.

A-ha!

[grunts]

You fell for my trap, Petrov.

The point is, dear, sometimes secrets
must remain secrets.

Especially among friends.

Da. Even I know that.

[bell rings]

[students giggling]

Todd, did you see
what your sister wrote in today's paper?

I swear, it's not how it looks.

I was just watching Mr. Wiggles
for somebody else.

What are you talking about?

Extra! Extra!
Read all about it.

Local reporter goes too far.
Lets down friends.

Wait. Give me that.

Wha...?

Riley wrote an exposé on herself.

Whoa, can you believe Riley
once called a teacher "mommy?"

She still has an imaginary friend?

And look who it is.
Rainbow Jumper the flying unicorn.

Wow. I'd sure hate to be her right now.

Looks like Gamazoar
is back up to number two.

Thanks for not embarrassing me, Riley.

Well, sometimes protecting a friend
is more important than exposing the truth.

Not at my paper it isn't.

Look, kid, it took
moxie to do what you did,

but I can't have a reporter
who goes soft on me every time

some Billy Hopscotch
gets a little hot under the collar.

Billy Hopscotch?

I'm sorry, Riley,
but you're off the paper.

Eight-sixed, axed, riding the
Pink Slip Express to Palookaville.

That's OK, Ms. McMurphy,
I guess I wasn't ready for the world

of big-time, middle school journalism.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go
eat lunch with my brother.

Actually, Riley, uh, could you not
hang out with me for a few days?

I don't want to be seen with somebody
who has so many embarrassing secrets.

I mean, Rainbow Jumper?
Come on.

[laughing]

Fine. I didn't want to
eat lunch with you anyway.

Isn't that right, Rainbow Jumper?
Yes, you're a good unicorn.

[whinnying]

May I present my newest,
coolest death defying stunt.

Cool!

What is it?

-A modified Blutnikoff 984, I believe.
-Wasn't that model recalled?

Yes. That's how I got such a great price.

You're not gonna shoot yourself
out of that, Dad.

-Why not?
-Because it's dangerous.

-It's scary, it's--
-Don't you dare!

Gordo Glideright, old pal.

What brings you around?

Oh, just checking out
the supposed competition, amigo.

Oh, Dick, this old trick?

Well, that's Stuntman 101.
Launch out of a cannon, land in a net.

Lame-o.

I agree, that's why
I'm not landing in a net.

I'm landing in...

Another cannon! Yeah!

I told you I got a really great price.

Yeah, this round to you, Daring.
But this isn't over.

-What isn't over?
-Oh, I think you know.

No, I don't.
Is it my hair? Tell me!

-Dad, you rock!
-Dad, that stunt is impossible.

-What kind of idiot came up with it?
-[man] This kind.

[Dick] Kids, meet my stunt coordinator,
chief mechanic,

and all around buddy, Phil Mygrave.

Ooh.

People, didn't we all hear that name,
Phil Mygrave?

Isn't anybody gonna make a joke?

-Hey, Riley.
-Hi, Todd.

Y'all call me Uncle Phil.

-I'm Riley. He's Todd.
-Close enough.

Yes, just the sort of meticulous attention
to detail one would want

in the person planning
his death defying stunts.

You have measured
the distance precisely, right?

Used some sort of
laser range finder maybe?

I eyeballed it, if that's what you mean.

[panting]

Did you allow for wind, humidity,
barometric pressure?

Well, sure. I noticed a smidge of wind,
so I scooch this thingy up a hair.

Smidge? Scooch? Thingy?

Dad, aren't you even
gonna test this first?

Riley, relax. We're professionals.
We know what we're doing.

-Dad, please!
-Oh, all right.

Phil, get the dummy.

[clicks tongue]

Hey, I'm no dummy.

Oh. Never mind.

I hope this teaches you a lesson
about trusting your old man.

[grunts]

Fire!

[gasps]

[groans]

That wasn't supposed to happen.

Mm-mm. Worse part is, that dummy
was just two weeks from retirement.

[whistling and humming]

Dad, can I ask you a question?

Sure. But let me get out
of my work clothes first.

OK, what's your question?

Have you ever considered
getting a better stunt coordinator?

Better? What do you mean by better?

-Like not incompetent.
-Incompetent? [scoffs]

Would an incompetent person
come up with a brilliant stunt like this?

Jumping over downtown Tokyo!

Dad, you need someone
who uses real scientific terms.

And whose idea of precision
is more than just moving the thingy

on the whatyamacallit a smidge.

Honey, don't be ridiculous.
There's no thingy on a whatyamacallit.

You're thinking of the doohickey
on the thingamajig.

But--

Relax, kiddo, your Uncle Phil and I
know what we're doing.

We're in total control 24/7.
[yelling]

[yelling]

-That didn't prove anything.
-Of course not.

[grunting]
Neither does this.

Hello, Fleemco?

[Mr. Fleem]
Hello, Riley.

Mr. Fleem, I need to get my dad
a new stunt coordinator

before he really gets hurt.

Hmm. I might have someone
if you really want to do this.

But don't you think you should
trust your father to know what he's doing?

[laughing]

Oh, you're serious.

Mr. Fleem, my dad's great,
but sometimes he acts like a big kid.

Look out below!

[splashing]

Ta-da!
[yelps]

And by sometimes, I mean most times.

He really needs my help on this.
Whether he knows it or not.

[Mr. Fleem]
Well, all right then.

As we say at Fleemco,
the customer is always right.

Most of the time.

Hey, amigo.
How'd you like to double your salary?

You mean I get two ice cream sammiches
a week? Yee-haw!

I can't believe Phil
got hired away by Gordo Glideright.

Well, maybe you'll get
someone new and better.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, gee, I wonder who that is?

Ah, let's find out, shall we?

[wincing]

[Agent K] Dr. Hans Herkemer.

Three doctorates in physics,
mechanics, and aeronautics.

-And he works for the space program.
-Correction, dear lady.

I did work for the space program
until yesterday.

I have quit to become
Herr Daring's stunt coordinator.

What an incredible coincidence, eh?

-This is great, huh, Dad?
-If you say so.

[crowd cheering]

-Thank you, thank you.
-Good luck, dear.

-Good luck.
-You rock, Dad!

Hey, where are the buttons?

Phil always gave me big,
red buttons to push.

-That did what exactly?
-I don't know. I never asked.

There will be no pushing of buttons.

The computer guidance system
will control everything.

-But I like buttons.
-I suspected as much.

I have prepared this simulation

of what happens if you let
the computer control your driving.

And here is a simulation
of what happens when you drive yourself.

And here, just for fun, is what happens
if a monkey is driving.

OK, you made your point.

[computer]
Autopilot engaging.

-Hey!
-Three, two, one, go!

[groans]
Look out below.

Yeah!

Good luck, dear.

Three, two, one, go!

Look out... below.

[groans]

Yay, safety!

-I don't know her.
-What is wrong with these people?

That stunt was flawless.
It was perfect. It was--

Boring! It made me wish
I was home doing my homework.

My homework!

Three, two, one, go!

Yay!

That stunt was pretty great, huh?

I've seen better.

[screeches]

[heavy sigh]

[soap opera music plays on TV]

[crying]

Dad, what's wrong?

[sobs] Shasta just found out
that her fianceé Cutter is in a coma,

and that her ex-husband Dr. Stark
is performing a brainectomy.

It's just a soap opera, Dad.
It's not real.

But it's all I have
now that my career is ruined.

I don't get it.
Your last three stunts went perfectly.

Sure. But who wants to see that?

I'm Dick Daring, not Dick Perfect.

Perfect is boring.
I take chances.

Live on the edge. Like Cutter,
the shirtless, undercover cop.

No one would ever
replace him with a monkey

-to eliminate the human factor.
-Uh, Dad--

Shh. My stories are back on.

I'm sorry, Chester.

[man on TV] We did everything we could
but your shirtless fianceé

is now a monkey.

No!

What have I done?

[Todd] You really think you can
get Uncle Phil back?

I have to try.

What's he doing on top
of the St. Louis Arch anyway?

Gordo Glideright is preparing
his first stunt with Phil Mygrave.

Phil Mygrave?
Still nothing?

Seriously, sometimes you people amaze me.

Phil, Riley has something
she wants to say to you.

Yes. Please come back
and work with my dad again.

Why should I?
Gordo Glideright doubled my pay.

And he doesn't have a daughter
who thinks I don't know what I'm doing.

Or have you changed your mind about that?

No. Not really.
But my dad thinks he needs you.

And I'm just gonna have to
trust his judgment on that.

Uncle Phil.

-Well, I'd like to come back.
-But he can't.

Because I, Gordo Glideright,

signed the best stunt coordinator
in the business to an iron-clad...

Oh, ten-year contract.

[C.A.R.]
Iron melts, you know.

[grunts]
You never let me have any fun anymore.

But Uncle Phil's not the best.
He stinks.

Yeah, right. If that's true,

what kind of idiot stunt man
would want him back?

[all]
Hmm?

Nice try, little girl.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a stunt to rehearse.

What is this stunt exactly?

Gordo is gonna bungee jump off the arch.

Stop exactly 1/2 inch above the ground,

grab the key to the city,
then bounce back up here to the arch,

give it to the mayor, who will then
present it right back to him.

Three, two, one...

Gordoronimo!

And since the arch is 630 feet high,

am I to assume you personally
measured the bungee cord

to drop him to exactly
629 feet and 11 1/2 inches?

More or less.

-[splat]
-Sounded like more.

Sounded like I just lost a job.

You sure did.
Whoa!

And got a new one.

Welcome back, Uncle Phil.

[grunting]

Hmm, it's not like Gordo
to back out of a stunt,

but I'm happy to fill in.

Especially now that Phil is back.

-Who measured the bungee cord this time?
-Uncle Phil eyeballed it.

But I have to admit,
I cut a piece out just to be safe.

-You did? So did I.
-Me, too.

And surprisingly,
I cut some out, too.

Look out below...

Yeah, I took me a hunk out, too.

[all laughing]

[Dick] Whoa, look at all those birds
flying upside down.

[announcer] The Fleemco Company presents:
Todd Daring on concentration.

Concentration is really
focusing on one thing.

Well, like this one time when I was--

Whoa! I never noticed that RoboFleem's
eyes glowed like that when he got mad.

Hey, look at the weird colored tile.

[man] Focus, Todd.

Look at Riley's face.
[laughing]

[announcer]
This has been Todd Daring on...

Aw, now I forget.