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1
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,500
May I speak frankly??
- Oh, please do.
2
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:35,729
Mr. & Mrs. Alderson, our preliminary tests suggest
that you are suffering from oligospermia,
3
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:39,733
complicated by a slightly non-functioning
nagging asthenozoospermia
4
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,330
and with a trace of teratozoospermia.
5
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:46,936
My God, what does this mean?
6
00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:50,336
Sperm-wise... you're shootin' blanks.
7
00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:52,610
He's just not delivering the goods.
8
00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:54,736
In what way?
- In no way.
9
00:02:54,900 --> 00:02:58,529
The size, the shape, the way they move
their little tails only to the left ...
10
00:02:58,660 --> 00:03:01,413
It's a complete breakdown of spermatazoa.
11
00:03:01,540 --> 00:03:03,849
You mean it's not my fault?
- No! No, no,
12
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:06,375
You passed your fertility
test with flying colors.
13
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:11,250
You're a baby machine. She's a baby machine. He's
the one; you're the one with the shortcoming.
14
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:14,133
You mean it has something
to do with length?
15
00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:18,815
She's a lot of laughs, huh?
16
00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:21,335
I don't know; I was just asking...
17
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:24,890
No, you take me... She
takes me too literally.
18
00:03:25,020 --> 00:03:28,376
This is a specimen of your own semen.
- Go on.
19
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,133
Here you go, this is your
frozen semen right here.
20
00:03:32,260 --> 00:03:34,785
Notice how sickly they are.
They're just swimming
21
00:03:34,811 --> 00:03:37,234
around in circles, they'll
never get anywhere.
22
00:03:37,380 --> 00:03:42,215
Now here, on the other hand, is a sample
of my son's sperm.
23
00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:47,818
Notice how robust they are.
- See those little suckers swimming?
24
00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:51,052
Yeah, well, if you believe in that sort of thing...
It looks like the Olympics, doesn't it?
25
00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:57,014
My son has produced three grandchildren
and there's one in the oven.
26
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:59,893
Maybe you'd like to borrow him..
27
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,078
Oh, no... not again... not here.
28
00:04:13,390 --> 00:04:14,254
I bet that guy has no
problem with length.
29
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:23,618
Here's my boy.
30
00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:27,250
Three grandchildren and one on the way.
What a guy!
31
00:04:28,540 --> 00:04:30,735
What kind of underwear do you use?
-What?
32
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:34,859
Does he wear excessively tight underwear?
- No, not excessively.
33
00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:39,610
You could lose a few pounds.
- You mean... I thought you meant...
34
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,499
You're right. She is a lot of laughs.
35
00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:47,332
I want you to wear boxer shorts.
36
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:51,215
My friend,
we've got to get you some breathing room.
37
00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:54,656
breathing room. Go...
38
00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:55,060
Breathing room...
39
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:56,891
I gotta write that down..
40
00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,409
Jockey and bikinis constrict.
41
00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:02,413
Boxers shorts are your testicles'
best friends.
42
00:05:02,540 --> 00:05:05,657
I we wanna be friends with our testicles,
no jockey or bikini.
43
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:08,214
So it has something to do with temperature?
- Exactly.
44
00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:14,210
The production of sperm occurs best if the
temperature of the genetalia sack is less than 95 degrees.
45
00:05:14,340 --> 00:05:16,774
We have to lower the temperature of your testicles.
46
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:20,973
So cold water might help?
- Yes, try ice packs.
47
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:24,376
The keyword
is looseare and cool.
48
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:28,618
Loose and cool...
- So, do we all agree?
49
00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:31,334
Okay, see you next time.
50
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:34,375
Cherry.
51
00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:39,089
I hate boxer shorts.
- I think I know where I can get some on sale.
52
00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:42,058
Oligospermia ... I want a recount.
53
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:45,170
Oh... Oh, look at that baby.
54
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,768
Come here.
55
00:05:48,540 --> 00:05:51,134
Come here.
56
00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:56,536
Come back here.
Don't you run away from me.
57
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:04,616
This is ridiculous.
- I think boxer shorts are sexy.
58
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:08,050
You do not.
- But Dr. Bekhard wants you to wear them.
59
00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:10,774
Well, Dr. Bekhard can kiss my genital sack.
Where are my jockies?
60
00:06:10,900 --> 00:06:13,209
Charlie!
61
00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:16,614
We're gonna have to start getting serious
about this.
62
00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:19,459
The baby was originally planned for November.
63
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:23,095
March, April,
now I can see May slipping away.
64
00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:27,453
Aw, my personal organizer's a mess.
65
00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:31,692
I'm sorry, Charlie, I know how difficult
this must be for you.
66
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:35,939
If we really work hard at this, if we
really make an effort
67
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:39,490
To go the extra yard,
we can have that baby.
68
00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:43,852
The time is right. The planets, the
stars are aligned in perfect consanance.
69
00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:47,655
And they're sending forth their music to
hail the coming of the Star Child.
70
00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:50,055
The what?
- The Star Child.
71
00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:52,450
Oh, she's gonna be beautiful, Charlie.
72
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:55,970
She'll have long golden hair
and little pink cheeks.
73
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:59,217
and she's gonna sing and dance
and write poetry.
74
00:06:59,380 --> 00:07:02,690
Oh, God... I can't wait!
75
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:08,774
Not now.
- Why not? I'm ready to go the extra yard.
76
00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:12,495
But I'm not ovulating.
From now on we've got to pick our spots.
77
00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:15,373
Save it...for... umm... Thursday.
78
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:19,379
You can't afford to be throwing it away.
Oh! don't forget to pick up that ice pack.
79
00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:08,489
Sorry... sorry...
80
00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:12,179
My ice pack slipped.
81
00:08:39,540 --> 00:08:41,656
Charlie ...
82
00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:44,374
Oh, your wife is some fox...
83
00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:48,257
Hey! Frank!
- What? It's true.
84
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:53,453
Is this woman a fox or what?
85
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:59,170
See?
86
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,894
I can't believe you can't get her pregnant.
87
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:06,173
It's a low sperm count. I am
doing the best I can.
88
00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:10,532
You know, I heard somewhere that your sperm count can
be affected by the color of your bedroom carpet.
89
00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:13,732
Get outta here!
- No, seriously.
90
00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:18,337
I mean it's psychological.
Some colors just aren't fertile.
91
00:09:18,860 --> 00:09:21,738
I wish I knew the answer.
92
00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:27,170
Linda really wants this kid and if she
wants something, she wants it.
93
00:09:27,340 --> 00:09:31,219
I'm telling you it's your bedroom carpet.
Now, what color is your bedroom carpet?
94
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,617
White. Off-white.
Off-white? Off-white is sterile, man.
95
00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:40,052
You need something in earth colors.
You know, something fertile.
96
00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:12,974
Carpet ...
97
00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:15,816
I don't need no stinking carpets.
98
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:26,299
Let's go.
- Again?
99
00:10:26,420 --> 00:10:28,854
Yep.
100
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:37,016
Aldersen.
- Honey, it's me.
101
00:10:37,140 --> 00:10:40,450
Listen, my temperature's rising.
You gotta make it home tonight right after work.
102
00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:44,249
I can't honey, I'm going to the game with Frank.
- Uh-uh. Not anymore.
103
00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:01,056
Rip Mallory -
genius in his own mind.
104
00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:06,574
It that's for me, I'm not here.
105
00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:09,340
Not taking any calls, huh?
106
00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:12,769
Hi, honey. Want a drink?
107
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:16,250
We had an appointment.
Do you know what time it is?
108
00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:20,219
Wowwww... Is it that late?
109
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:30,654
Ah, Shit!
110
00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:33,374
Unmitigated trash!
111
00:11:41,420 --> 00:11:43,729
Dear, dear, dear!
112
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:54,570
Well?
-I fear we may be dealing with an
internal complication here.
113
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:57,214
There may be a distrubed
endrocrine system
114
00:11:57,340 --> 00:12:00,218
Perhaps a varicose vein in the
spermatic duct.
115
00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:02,894
We might need some surgery. We might...
116
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:07,093
But before we do, we'll do a blood test
and we'll take some tissue from your testicles.
117
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:09,973
You're gonna do what?
- A testicular biopsy.
118
00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:12,813
We simple make a quarter of an
inch incision in your scrotum
119
00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:17,212
And we take a little tissue from each of your
testicles. It's a very simple procedure.
120
00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:22,491
We do micro-surgery on both of your testicles and
before you know it, you'll be... back in the saddle again.
121
00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:27,690
He's gone...
122
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,853
I can't believe the way you're acting.
123
00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:41,655
You're behaving like a child.
I don't care, Linda.
124
00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:45,699
Nobody's taking any of my tissue.
I need all I can get.
125
00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:50,450
It's a surgical procedure.
- It's a knife, Linda! A knife!
126
00:12:50,860 --> 00:12:55,570
I've always believed you should keep
pointed objects as far away from your testicles as possible!
127
00:12:55,740 --> 00:12:59,130
My balls are my friends.
I like 'em. I prefer them in their totality.
128
00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:04,334
Well what about my totality? Don't you understand
much this means to me?
129
00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:41,132
What are you watching?
- "The Big Chill."
130
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,776
How appropriate.
- Obviously this isn't working.
131
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:47,090
Maybe time to explore some other options.
132
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:51,048
Well how about that test tube baby idea?
I like that one.
133
00:13:51,180 --> 00:13:54,217
I told you I don't want any part of it.
- Of sure.
134
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:58,856
Because then they'll start poking around inside of you
and carrying pieces of you off to the lab.
135
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:03,849
And it's not natural. If I'm gonna have a natural
childbirth I'm gonna have a natural conception, too.
136
00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:08,496
A baby should conceived in an explosion
of passion with sweat and hormones.
137
00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:13,688
Organically, naturally.
- There's only one natural way I know of and we're striking out that way
138
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:18,330
Come on, Linda.
139
00:14:18,460 --> 00:14:22,931
Don't let it bother you.
We'll just have to keep trying, that's all.
140
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:28,212
Remember what Dr. Beckhard said?
Miracles can happen.
141
00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:38,454
[This is serious.]
142
00:14:39,740 --> 00:14:43,574
[Maybe I really do have
to change the carpets.]
143
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:50,538
You know, I've been thinking of giving cousin Ray
a call. You know, Ray Burns?
144
00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:53,419
He owns that carpet store out in Pomona.
145
00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:55,060
I thought that maybe he'd give us a good price
on a new bedroom rug.
146
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:58,848
A rug? Hmm...
147
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:03,929
Yeah, I thought maybe it'd help -
A little change of pace, something different, you know?
148
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:07,416
Yes Charlie I've been thinking this out...
149
00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:10,648
This is just an idea, but, uh...
150
00:15:10,780 --> 00:15:14,056
Whatta you think about a surrogate father?
151
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:22,695
A what?
- A surrogate father.
152
00:15:22,820 --> 00:15:24,856
Well, fuck me!
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
153
00:15:24,980 --> 00:15:29,451
I don't think the idea's totally without merit. Remember
in "The Big Chill" the single woman wants to have a baby...
154
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:33,653
And she can't find a husband so her best
friend loans her her husband sort of like a donor?
155
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:37,011
And all this, it turns out to be
a real positive thing.
156
00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:41,531
And she has the baby?
- How am I supposed to know? The movie ends before that.
157
00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:45,573
Well how do you know he didn't have oligospermia?
- Because it's only a movie, Charlie.
158
00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:48,652
Exactly, Linda.
- You just don't wanna listen to me!
159
00:15:48,820 --> 00:15:53,052
Oh, I'm listening. You want
somebody else to be the father of my child, right?
160
00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:55,694
Wrong. Wrong. That is the wrong way to look at it.
161
00:15:55,820 --> 00:15:59,369
You're still gonna be the spiritual father.
It's not like you haven't had any input.
162
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:03,499
Oh, and what kind of input am I gonna have?
Do I get to coach from the sidelines?
163
00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:07,408
Make breakfast for the two of you?
Oh, how would you like your eggs? Ovulating?
164
00:16:07,540 --> 00:16:13,137
Charlie, I expect you to help me choose the
right man. That's what I want. Someone you can relate to.
165
00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:15,820
You know what I find incredible, Linda?
166
00:16:15,940 --> 00:16:18,056
Not that you're planning on screwing somebody.
167
00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:21,058
Not that you're telling me about it.
Even that you're asking me to help...
168
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:25,890
No! What really kills me is that you expect me
to be enthusiastic about it!
169
00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:29,535
I'm talking about an impersonal business situation.
170
00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:32,299
You're talking about sex, Linda.
171
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:37,693
You are talking about being penetrated by a dick
other than my own, that's what you're talking about!
172
00:16:37,820 --> 00:16:42,814
All you care about is that somebody might be tresspassing on your
personal property, that's all you care about. Like you've got sole grazing rights.
173
00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:45,932
Well, it's not public domain, is it?
174
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:49,251
I didn't have to tell you about this, Charlie
I could have pursued this on my own.
175
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:52,929
But I wanted your participation,
I wanted your support. And right away you turn on me.
176
00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:55,972
Do you think
I want to go sleep with a perfect stranger?
177
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,734
Do you think I'm looking forward
to that experience?
178
00:16:58,860 --> 00:17:01,977
Don't you have any faith in me?
179
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:05,331
Look, Honey... Honey, Linda, look...
180
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:09,095
I feel the same way you do about this
but let's face facts.
181
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:13,099
There's no law that says we have
to have a baby.
182
00:17:13,260 --> 00:17:17,697
Now there are plenty of marriages without children
and they last 40-50 years
183
00:17:17,940 --> 00:17:20,932
Yeah? This marriage won't.
184
00:17:27,940 --> 00:17:30,329
[Ahhh... Maybe she's right.]
185
00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:33,497
[Maybe I'm being too selfish.]
186
00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:37,858
[Maybe I've gotta sacrifice myself
for our marriage...]
187
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,934
[Oh, man, I don't know...]
188
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:44,173
[Oh, she's so beautiful.]
189
00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:49,695
[And she's basically faithful...]
190
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:51,288
[Maybe it won't be so bad after all...]
191
00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:54,378
[Just as long as she doesn't like the jerk too much.]
192
00:19:56,700 --> 00:20:00,409
So how would we go about finding this business partner?
193
00:20:00,540 --> 00:20:04,055
I mean do we put a personal ad in the paper or what?
194
00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:07,808
You're not interested.
- Of course I'm interested.
195
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:11,774
I mean if it's the only
choice available ... well...
196
00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:25,218
First of all, it should be someone with a high sperm count
and a good track record.
197
00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:28,810
We want to maximize the success of
a quick strike.
198
00:20:28,940 --> 00:20:32,819
How about Dr. Beckhard's son?
Whoa, he has robust sperm.
199
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:36,410
I should be somebody you know,
and somebody you trust.
200
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:38,935
I don't trust anybody I know.
201
00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:41,699
Hey, how about my brother Jack?
202
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:46,098
Well why not? Keep it in the family.
After all, the father should be somebody like me.
203
00:20:46,220 --> 00:20:51,374
Honey, if we're gonna hand pick a sperm
donor, we might as well go for the best genes available.
204
00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:54,452
I want our baby to have
every possible advantage.
205
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:58,738
Hey! How about cousin Ray?
- Good God!
206
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:04,293
Well, he's bright... and if you don't intend on enjoying the experience
well, I can't think of a better man for the job.
207
00:21:04,420 --> 00:21:06,490
Be serious, would you?
208
00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:08,736
What about one of your friends?
209
00:21:08,860 --> 00:21:11,374
Well, don't keep me in suspense, Linda...
210
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:16,574
I can't pick the right man for you
if you don't tell me who he is.
211
00:21:16,740 --> 00:21:19,459
Well, how about Gordon Mallory?
212
00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:22,299
Gordon Mallory!
213
00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:25,139
Who is Gordon Mallory?
- You know.
214
00:21:25,260 --> 00:21:27,854
What do you call him? Ummm. Rip!
215
00:21:27,980 --> 00:21:30,733
Rip Mallory! That nut?
216
00:21:30,860 --> 00:21:33,215
He's not a nut. He seems like a very nice man.
217
00:21:33,340 --> 00:21:37,174
He's weird. He writes poetry...which he'll recite
for you a the drop of a hat.
218
00:21:37,340 --> 00:21:39,854
Yeah, yeah, but this is exactly what I'm talking about.
219
00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:44,053
He's a writer, so he must be intelligent. And
bright and funny.
220
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:47,849
He's a nut. - Sensitive
Strange. -Eccentric.
221
00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:53,498
Not dangerous, but he's just not the type of a guy
I'd like to bring home to sleep with my wife.
222
00:21:53,620 --> 00:21:57,408
He does have five children.
- Strange, wild children.
223
00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,532
In some ways not human.
- His wife seems very nice.
224
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:04,329
This is not normal family.
Believe me, I've heard stories.
225
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:08,095
Now... it was something about an ear...
- Five children, Charlie! Five!
226
00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,617
Rip Mallory?
- We don't have to decide tonight..
227
00:22:12,740 --> 00:22:15,254
Sleep on it.
228
00:22:20,980 --> 00:22:23,050
[Maybe Rip won't accept.]
229
00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:27,617
[Maybe he won't like her! Oh, shit! Of course he'll like her.]
230
00:22:27,740 --> 00:22:32,018
[Maybe she won't like him. Oh, shit! Of course she'll like him.]
231
00:22:32,180 --> 00:22:34,296
[Fuck me...]
232
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:40,731
Yep, fatherhood's a great experience.
233
00:22:40,940 --> 00:22:43,738
It's turned me into a new man.
234
00:22:43,860 --> 00:22:47,535
I mean you find out what's
really important in life, you know?
235
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,413
Charlie, check this one out with the hearts, huh?
236
00:22:54,660 --> 00:22:56,730
What's the matter, Charlie?
237
00:22:56,860 --> 00:22:59,738
What is it? Nothing new with Linda, huh?
238
00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:03,137
Oh, I should be finding out something soon.
239
00:23:03,260 --> 00:23:06,491
Charlie, look. You know, I been thinking...
240
00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:12,613
Listen, if you're still stuck in neutral,
why don't you give me a shot at her?
241
00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:15,459
I mean there's nothing wrong with my juice...
242
00:23:18,620 --> 00:23:20,736
I'm just kidding, Charlie.
243
00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:23,249
I'm just kidding.
244
00:24:19,380 --> 00:24:21,814
Hello.
245
00:24:22,180 --> 00:24:26,458
Hi. I'm Charlie Aldersen.
- Well yes, of course you are!
246
00:24:26,620 --> 00:24:29,088
I'm Maureen.
247
00:24:30,860 --> 00:24:33,215
Oh, just doing a little gardening.
248
00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:36,133
You have a lovely garden.
249
00:24:36,260 --> 00:24:39,297
Oh, yes... I have a gift for making
things grow.
250
00:24:39,460 --> 00:24:42,930
You hear to see Gordon?
He's just writing an epic poem.
251
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:54,174
Gordon?
252
00:25:04,180 --> 00:25:06,648
Charlie Aldersen is here.
253
00:25:06,820 --> 00:25:09,095
What does he want?
254
00:25:09,220 --> 00:25:11,859
He wants to talk to you.
255
00:25:12,980 --> 00:25:15,050
Tell him I'm creating.
256
00:25:15,220 --> 00:25:18,018
Tell him he intrudes upon the muse.
257
00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:23,978
He ummm... He brought a bottle with him.
258
00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:36,579
Clear the books off that chair.
259
00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:40,220
What is it? Brandy, I hope...
260
00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:50,368
Charlie. Come.
261
00:25:52,140 --> 00:25:54,893
This is a happy surprise.
- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
262
00:25:55,020 --> 00:25:58,490
Let me take that.
I was just writing an epic poem, nothing serious.
263
00:25:58,660 --> 00:26:01,128
Sit down.
264
00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,375
Ah, root beer schnapps.
265
00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:09,173
Ah, how's your wife?
- Linda ...
266
00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:14,891
Fine.
267
00:26:15,020 --> 00:26:20,617
Anyway I was just thinking of her the other day. I belong
to a meditation group and we chant regularly for world peace...
268
00:26:23,060 --> 00:26:26,211
You can not hug a child
with nuclear arms.
269
00:26:26,340 --> 00:26:28,376
Are you through?
270
00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:32,254
I thought he came here to speak to me.
- Actually, yeah, I did.
271
00:26:32,380 --> 00:26:37,170
Ah! There! He didn't come here to be assaulted
with your bumper-sticker mentality.
272
00:26:37,300 --> 00:26:41,179
Hey! Go on! Go! Go on back to your
macrame. Leave us in peace.
273
00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:46,055
Well, mention it to Linda when you can
and I'll call her someday.
274
00:26:49,180 --> 00:26:53,617
So, Rip ...
- Would you like to hear some poetry?
275
00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:58,211
Well, uh...
-Pull your chair closer. Enter the circle of intimate thought.
276
00:27:00,580 --> 00:27:03,048
Quiet!
277
00:27:07,140 --> 00:27:10,018
You're in for a treat, Charlie.
278
00:27:10,140 --> 00:27:13,371
I started work on a modern
Homeric poem.
279
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:16,492
It's entitled, "The Nucleid."
280
00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:20,616
Subject matter--annihilation.
281
00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:25,457
Nuclear devastation.
282
00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:33,298
It's a visionary work
Shot through with epiphanies of Blakian revelation.
283
00:27:34,340 --> 00:27:36,808
Shut up!
284
00:27:41,140 --> 00:27:44,450
Let's go somewhere quiet.
- I'd rather not. I... I...
285
00:27:55,260 --> 00:27:57,979
I really wanted to talk in private.
286
00:27:58,620 --> 00:28:00,736
Why?
287
00:28:00,860 --> 00:28:03,420
It's a delicate matter.
288
00:28:03,540 --> 00:28:06,612
There's something I want to ask you... A favor...
289
00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:12,859
Well, I'll tell you, Charlie, I don't like doing people
favors. It tends to set a precedent.
290
00:28:12,980 --> 00:28:15,813
Well, let me explain.
291
00:28:15,980 --> 00:28:19,290
Linda and I... Well, we're trying to start a family.
292
00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:22,457
Family? With children?
- Yes
293
00:28:22,620 --> 00:28:26,579
There's nothing that I could say
that would make you change your mind?
294
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:29,897
She wants to have a... Star Child.
295
00:28:31,300 --> 00:28:33,814
Star Child... yes...
296
00:28:33,940 --> 00:28:36,932
They're very popular lately.
297
00:28:37,060 --> 00:28:40,211
Well, I wish you luck, Charlie.
Believe me, getting there is most of the fun.
298
00:28:40,340 --> 00:28:42,934
Well, that's the thing. It's not all that easy.
299
00:28:43,060 --> 00:28:46,530
We've run into some difficulties.
- Oh, I see...
300
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:49,214
You've come to me for advice.
301
00:28:49,380 --> 00:28:52,099
Well, I'll tell you Charlie. Have a little wine...
302
00:28:52,260 --> 00:28:54,899
Read a little poetry, listen to Barry White records
303
00:28:55,020 --> 00:28:58,296
I have this... this chemical condition.
304
00:28:58,420 --> 00:29:01,617
It's called
305
00:29:01,820 --> 00:29:05,449
Oligospermia.
- Low sperm count.
306
00:29:07,060 --> 00:29:09,255
Words are my business.
307
00:29:09,380 --> 00:29:11,848
Anyway, I've done everything I can to compensate
308
00:29:11,980 --> 00:29:16,053
but they want me to have a testicular biopsy.
309
00:29:16,180 --> 00:29:21,812
Yeah--I feel the same way--but Linda is dead set on
having this kid. Her clock is running.
310
00:29:21,980 --> 00:29:26,098
Well this is an unfortunate situation, Charlie,
but what I can do?
311
00:29:26,220 --> 00:29:29,417
Well... Ever seen "The Big Chill?"
- No.
312
00:29:29,540 --> 00:29:32,816
Okay. In "The Big Chill,"
313
00:29:32,940 --> 00:29:35,818
this woman, she's trying to have a baby...
314
00:29:35,980 --> 00:29:38,289
And ...
315
00:29:38,460 --> 00:29:42,738
Well, she borrows her husband's best friend.
316
00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:49,657
The thing is, we need help.
317
00:29:49,780 --> 00:29:52,578
You know, a substitute. A pinch-hitter.
318
00:29:52,740 --> 00:29:55,060
Somebody with a good batting average...
319
00:29:55,060 --> 00:29:55,890
Somebody with a good batting average...
320
00:29:56,380 --> 00:29:58,689
Sperm-wise.
321
00:29:58,820 --> 00:30:01,380
Ahhh... you mean ...
322
00:30:04,140 --> 00:30:07,098
You mean ...
323
00:30:09,300 --> 00:30:11,336
Let me get this fixed in my mind.
324
00:30:11,460 --> 00:30:14,896
You mean you want me to actually ...
325
00:30:16,820 --> 00:30:21,177
I realize it's a revolutionary idea
- It's Homeric!
326
00:30:21,860 --> 00:30:23,851
And your wife is willing?
327
00:30:23,980 --> 00:30:27,575
Look. You weren't her first choice.
I had to put a good word in for you.
328
00:30:27,740 --> 00:30:31,733
And you don't mind?
- I'm... delighted.
329
00:30:31,940 --> 00:30:36,058
Linda - she's the one I always see running
In the blue spandex
330
00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:39,257
That's her.
- Lovely creature. Very supple..
331
00:30:39,380 --> 00:30:42,053
Thank you.
I've never had an offer like this before.
332
00:30:42,220 --> 00:30:45,530
I suppose we should sign
some sort of contract.
333
00:30:46,180 --> 00:30:49,377
We weren't going to pay you
- Oh, no, I just want to be protected.
334
00:30:49,500 --> 00:30:54,733
We're friends.
- We'll just draw up a friendly sort of agreement.
335
00:30:54,900 --> 00:30:57,016
No one else need know. It goes
without saying that my wife
336
00:30:57,140 --> 00:31:02,214
Maureen would be granted the blissful sleep of
the ingorant, which has always been her share.
337
00:31:02,380 --> 00:31:07,977
You don't think she'd understand?
- I'm not entirely sure taht I understand.
338
00:31:08,940 --> 00:31:11,454
Here's to ...
339
00:31:14,620 --> 00:31:17,339
Here's to ...
340
00:31:18,460 --> 00:31:20,815
...our child.
341
00:31:32,500 --> 00:31:36,812
You didn't put those in yet?
It only takes 10 minutes
342
00:31:41,100 --> 00:31:44,775
I dunno why we have to feed him anyway.
- It's called hospitality, dear.
343
00:31:44,900 --> 00:31:49,098
How much more hospitable can we get?
- Remember, he's doing us the favor.
344
00:31:50,660 --> 00:31:53,128
Did you put something in there?
-Mmm-hmm
345
00:31:56,300 --> 00:31:59,417
Oh, what's this? Fried zucchini.
346
00:31:59,540 --> 00:32:01,496
Where's the caviar?
347
00:32:01,620 --> 00:32:04,976
It's just something to break the tension.
- I'm not tense.
348
00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:07,295
Neither am I.
349
00:32:07,460 --> 00:32:10,975
I've gotta go get changed.
Don't forget to put the weinies in.
350
00:32:11,140 --> 00:32:14,371
He's gonna put the weinie in.
- Shh! He'll hear you.
351
00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:28,209
Hi, neighbor.
352
00:32:28,380 --> 00:32:31,019
For me?
353
00:32:43,900 --> 00:32:48,212
Would you like a drink?
Sure, have a drink... have my wife. What else do you want?
354
00:33:10,660 --> 00:33:14,096
Oh, I brought my full medical report.
355
00:33:14,940 --> 00:33:19,297
My doctor says that I have
the general constitution of a marathon runner.
356
00:33:19,460 --> 00:33:21,655
We'll settle for the 100 yard dash
357
00:33:21,820 --> 00:33:27,656
This contract absolves you from all
responsibility - legal, financial, and otherwise.
358
00:33:28,260 --> 00:33:31,616
Sign... on the bottom.
359
00:33:46,180 --> 00:33:48,614
Hello.
360
00:34:02,460 --> 00:34:05,372
Hi, I'm Linda.
361
00:34:06,420 --> 00:34:08,570
I was just sampling your dip.
362
00:34:08,740 --> 00:34:11,538
Very creamy.
- Thank you.
363
00:34:14,660 --> 00:34:17,254
Can I talk to you a minute?
364
00:34:17,820 --> 00:34:20,334
Excuse us.
365
00:34:32,100 --> 00:34:35,570
What is this?
- This is a negligee you've seen before, Charlie.
366
00:34:35,700 --> 00:34:39,579
Yes, I've seen it. Why is he seeing it.
-Because we're going to bed together that's why.
367
00:34:39,700 --> 00:34:42,089
You don't have to advertise
the fact, do you?
368
00:34:42,220 --> 00:34:46,736
What have you got underneath?
The lacy thing? You're wearing the lacy thing for him?
369
00:34:46,860 --> 00:34:50,569
Well, it's either this or the fishnet teddy.
I don't want him to think I'm trashy.
370
00:34:50,700 --> 00:34:55,060
But I bought that for you for Valentine's Day.
It's got the little hearts with the thingies and everything.
371
00:34:55,660 --> 00:34:59,175
Well, I'm supposed to be seductive, aren't I?
The idea is to arouse him.
372
00:34:59,300 --> 00:35:01,939
This guy's a pro. He doesn't need arousing.
373
00:35:02,060 --> 00:35:05,416
Don't put it on a personal level. Calm down.
I know what I'm doing.
374
00:35:11,580 --> 00:35:14,014
Um... would you like me
to put on some music?
375
00:35:14,340 --> 00:35:16,979
Oh, how lovely.
376
00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:20,934
They go with your eyes.
377
00:35:22,020 --> 00:35:24,488
Excuse me.
378
00:35:42,980 --> 00:35:46,689
She seems a little bit nervous.
- Well, it's her first time.
379
00:35:46,820 --> 00:35:50,893
Maybe we should make this some other night?
- Okay.
380
00:35:52,300 --> 00:35:54,734
Gordon.
381
00:35:56,540 --> 00:35:58,531
I'm ready.
382
00:35:58,660 --> 00:36:01,333
I guess that's my cue.
383
00:36:06,380 --> 00:36:09,133
Thanks again, Charlie.
384
00:36:34,340 --> 00:36:36,774
Oh, let me take those.
385
00:36:38,860 --> 00:36:42,170
So, um...
- Here we are.
386
00:36:43,340 --> 00:36:46,173
Nice room.
- Yeah, thanks.
387
00:36:47,740 --> 00:36:51,255
Oh, um... Why don't youi
take off your jacket. Relax. -Sure.
388
00:37:08,460 --> 00:37:12,009
Uh, just looking for my Giants jacket.
- It's downstairs.
389
00:37:40,260 --> 00:37:42,535
Charlie.
390
00:37:42,700 --> 00:37:45,931
Ray! Heck of a time
trying to find you guys.
391
00:37:46,260 --> 00:37:50,094
This place is really coming along.
Must be nice to have money.
392
00:37:50,220 --> 00:37:53,451
Speaking of which, how's Linda?
- What are you doing here?
393
00:37:53,580 --> 00:37:58,131
Well, you told me to stop by anytime.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
394
00:37:59,420 --> 00:38:05,655
Hey, this is great. You guys always leave food lying
around like this? You're gonna get fat, Charlie.
395
00:38:08,460 --> 00:38:12,817
Everything all right in there?
- Yeah, I'll be right in.
396
00:38:15,500 --> 00:38:17,536
"Tell me, thenb Apollo,
397
00:38:17,660 --> 00:38:23,098
who from your lofty perch looked down
with manner cool upon the massive fire.
398
00:38:25,780 --> 00:38:28,419
Here's your milk.
- Oh, thanks.
399
00:38:28,780 --> 00:38:31,248
My stomach is a minefield.
400
00:38:33,700 --> 00:38:36,373
Ulcers everywhere.
401
00:38:36,740 --> 00:38:40,892
Then maybe you shouldn't be eating that fried zucchini.
- Oh, no. Vegetables are fine.
402
00:38:41,100 --> 00:38:44,729
Now, you wanted carpet for the bedroom, right?
- Yeah
403
00:38:44,900 --> 00:38:48,131
Can I take a quick look at it?
- No, it's being used.
404
00:38:49,180 --> 00:38:52,058
Linda is sleeping.
405
00:38:53,620 --> 00:38:56,612
Is she sick?
- No. Yeah
406
00:38:56,780 --> 00:38:59,738
Well, she's a little run down.
- Oh, yeah.
407
00:39:12,420 --> 00:39:16,698
Honey, what's the matter?
- I can't do this.
408
00:39:17,220 --> 00:39:20,018
Well then let's just call
the whole thing off.
409
00:39:20,220 --> 00:39:23,769
Tell me I'm doing the right thing.
Tell me I'm acting responsibly.
410
00:39:26,100 --> 00:39:28,739
Is that Ray?
411
00:39:41,940 --> 00:39:44,932
She had a nightmare.
- Poor kid. Yeah...
412
00:39:45,420 --> 00:39:49,015
I like that outfit.
The... uh... little hearts on it?
413
00:39:49,900 --> 00:39:52,460
I should pick one of those up for Dorothy.
414
00:39:52,620 --> 00:39:55,060
Oh, has she lost weight?
- No.
415
00:39:56,300 --> 00:40:00,930
So, you and Linda got a general idea what you're looking for?
- Yeah, earth colors.
416
00:40:11,900 --> 00:40:14,414
Excuse me.
417
00:40:19,740 --> 00:40:23,130
Ah, that's a nice robe you got there.
- Thank you. It's yours.
418
00:40:23,260 --> 00:40:26,218
She's locked herself in the bathroom
and I can't get her out.
419
00:40:26,340 --> 00:40:28,934
Well, what'd you do to her?
420
00:40:53,700 --> 00:40:56,692
You must be cousin Ray.
421
00:40:57,060 --> 00:40:59,699
Linda told me that you were down here.
422
00:41:00,100 --> 00:41:02,614
I sell carpets.
423
00:41:03,140 --> 00:41:05,415
This is all a secret, you know.
424
00:41:05,540 --> 00:41:08,691
I hope Charlie explained that to you.
- Oh, yeah.
425
00:41:09,700 --> 00:41:12,294
Do you like poetry?
426
00:41:20,380 --> 00:41:22,894
Later.
427
00:41:27,420 --> 00:41:30,253
I think she's ready for you.
428
00:41:31,660 --> 00:41:34,128
Forget the poems.
429
00:41:51,660 --> 00:41:54,572
He's a masseuse.
- Oh, yeah.
430
00:41:55,940 --> 00:41:59,979
Is that guy holding you hostage?
- No.
431
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:02,853
What the hell is going on here?
432
00:42:04,340 --> 00:42:07,935
Have you ever heard of oligospermia?
433
00:42:08,060 --> 00:42:11,097
Oh, yeah. That's like ESP
434
00:42:13,860 --> 00:42:17,489
Is there something that you want me to touch?
- No.
435
00:42:17,620 --> 00:42:20,418
I can't explain it...
436
00:42:20,580 --> 00:42:23,538
It's just... I can't get it...
437
00:42:24,340 --> 00:42:26,934
Look ...
438
00:42:27,900 --> 00:42:32,451
Pretend that I'm your husband.
- No, no that's not gonna work.
439
00:42:32,620 --> 00:42:36,056
Pretend that I'm Mel Gibson.
440
00:42:37,780 --> 00:42:40,852
Pretend that I'm somebody
441
00:42:41,700 --> 00:42:44,453
I'm not real good at pretending
442
00:42:46,820 --> 00:42:49,493
Then stop pretending.
443
00:43:04,220 --> 00:43:07,769
But it's your own wife
your own bathrobe ...
444
00:43:07,900 --> 00:43:10,619
Charlie, why didn't you ask me?
I have two kinds, you know?
445
00:43:10,780 --> 00:43:13,817
You were under consideration.
446
00:43:14,220 --> 00:43:17,178
You know, in fact, I think
you were a finalist.
447
00:43:18,700 --> 00:43:21,578
Strictly business, huh?
- Um--Strictly.
448
00:43:22,540 --> 00:43:25,008
Is she all right?
449
00:43:56,180 --> 00:43:58,614
What?
- You screamed.
450
00:43:58,740 --> 00:44:01,459
Well, I got a little excited.
451
00:44:01,580 --> 00:44:05,414
When's the next appointment?
- Tonight.
452
00:44:06,740 --> 00:44:10,619
We have to take advantage of my ovulation.
- Oh, I know, I know.
453
00:44:10,740 --> 00:44:13,857
Strike while the iron's hot.
454
00:44:29,140 --> 00:44:31,813
Charlie ...
455
00:44:35,020 --> 00:44:37,534
I'm finished.
456
00:44:40,060 --> 00:44:43,416
1:30.
- I fell asleep.
457
00:44:43,860 --> 00:44:46,613
Charlie... Thanks again.
458
00:45:08,660 --> 00:45:11,413
Good catch!
459
00:45:12,380 --> 00:45:14,940
Bravo!
- Oh way to go!
460
00:45:15,100 --> 00:45:18,809
Motherhood seems like such a challenge.
I really hope I'm up to it.
461
00:45:18,940 --> 00:45:22,455
Are you expecting?
- No, no, we're trying very hard.
462
00:45:22,580 --> 00:45:26,368
You'll make a wonderful mother.
You're so good with clothes.
463
00:45:28,500 --> 00:45:33,813
I want to rasie a perfectly normal child.
Open, un-blocked, un-traumatized.
464
00:45:33,940 --> 00:45:37,012
You never hit them, do you?
- No, no.
465
00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:40,573
They're too quick.
466
00:45:44,460 --> 00:45:50,376
Hey! Didn't you hear me calling you?
- Gordon, this is Mrs. Alderson - Charlie's wife.
467
00:45:50,500 --> 00:45:52,616
Hello.
468
00:45:52,780 --> 00:45:56,819
The toilet is running upstairs.
How and I supposed to concentrate with the toilet running?
469
00:45:57,940 --> 00:45:59,931
Well I didn't use it.
- Did you?
470
00:46:00,060 --> 00:46:03,689
No!
- Well, she's been here with me the whole time.
471
00:46:03,820 --> 00:46:07,051
Well somebody must have used it unless
the toilet is flushing itself lately.
472
00:46:07,180 --> 00:46:09,694
Gordon all you have to do is
wiggle the little handle.
473
00:46:09,820 --> 00:46:14,689
Wiggle? I'm not going to waste my divine
energy on toilet handles.
474
00:46:14,820 --> 00:46:18,130
I am in the grip of a creative surge.
475
00:46:18,820 --> 00:46:22,290
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
476
00:46:25,540 --> 00:46:28,100
Oh, I'll be right back.
477
00:46:28,340 --> 00:46:32,618
Oh, wait, lemme get some cookies for the kids.
Sorry.
478
00:46:32,740 --> 00:46:35,857
Why must my heart be held
hostage to your kidneys?
479
00:46:35,980 --> 00:46:39,052
When will this persecution end?
480
00:46:40,620 --> 00:46:43,339
Oh, Gordon .. .
481
00:46:44,060 --> 00:46:46,449
Not in front of the children.
482
00:46:46,620 --> 00:46:50,215
They have to learn about adultery
sooner or later.
483
00:46:50,340 --> 00:46:54,299
Oh Gordon,
we've seen the doctor.
484
00:46:54,980 --> 00:46:57,448
We struck out.
485
00:46:57,580 --> 00:47:00,174
Oh, what a shame. We'll have to try again.
486
00:47:00,300 --> 00:47:02,939
And again and again...
487
00:47:03,100 --> 00:47:05,614
Could take months...
488
00:47:10,260 --> 00:47:13,218
Careful, goddamit!
489
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:16,174
Little savages!
490
00:47:16,300 --> 00:47:19,656
Oh, God... I'm going crazy.
491
00:47:19,780 --> 00:47:22,374
I've always been out of my mind. It's
never really been a problem for me.
492
00:47:22,500 --> 00:47:26,778
What am I gonna tell Charlie...
-Don't tell Charlie anything--he knows what we're doing.
493
00:47:26,900 --> 00:47:32,293
Yes, I know, but he thinks it's business.
- Well let him think that. Every business deal has its perks.
494
00:47:32,420 --> 00:47:35,298
Yeah, but I think there's a
question of morality here.
495
00:47:35,460 --> 00:47:37,576
This is the hand of God at work.
496
00:47:37,700 --> 00:47:39,656
He wants us together, you know he does.
497
00:47:39,780 --> 00:47:44,570
Two special people
destined to create a special child.
498
00:47:44,740 --> 00:47:47,015
A star child.
499
00:47:47,140 --> 00:47:49,574
I fixed it.
- There
500
00:47:49,740 --> 00:47:53,733
Gordon, what are you doing?
- There, there - is that better?
501
00:47:53,900 --> 00:47:58,018
She has a crick in her neck
- Well that's not gonna help, Gordon!
502
00:47:58,180 --> 00:48:00,171
Here, sit down.
503
00:48:00,300 --> 00:48:03,531
Did you fix the toilet?
- I just turned the water off for now.
504
00:48:03,700 --> 00:48:07,375
Oh, that's brilliant!
Suppose I have to use the toilet?
505
00:48:07,500 --> 00:48:10,651
Is there never any consideration for me?
506
00:48:10,780 --> 00:48:12,930
I hope he didn't upset you while I was gone.
507
00:48:13,060 --> 00:48:15,779
Now hold on...
508
00:48:19,140 --> 00:48:21,608
That's better, that's better. Yes, thank you.
509
00:48:21,780 --> 00:48:26,251
Really? - Yes, yes.
I learned that in my holistic medicine class.
510
00:48:26,380 --> 00:48:29,213
My hands have healing properties.
511
00:48:32,260 --> 00:48:35,536
Hey! Watch it!
512
00:48:35,660 --> 00:48:37,696
They're so cute.
513
00:48:37,820 --> 00:48:40,892
What made you have 5 kids anyway?
Did you plan it?
514
00:48:41,020 --> 00:48:43,454
Oh, no, no. They just came
like the flowers in May.
515
00:48:43,580 --> 00:48:49,450
You know, Gordon doesn't believe in contraception.
He finds that's it symbolically distasteful.
516
00:48:49,580 --> 00:48:53,698
So there's no telling how many kids you might wind up with, huh?
- Oh, no. We're finished.
517
00:48:54,580 --> 00:48:57,492
Oh, so you can't ...
- Oh! I can.
518
00:48:57,660 --> 00:49:00,618
No, the doctor says I'm
a regular baby machine.
519
00:49:00,740 --> 00:49:03,493
Oh, so you don't...
- Of course we do.
520
00:49:03,660 --> 00:49:06,174
Gordon would rather stop breathing.
521
00:49:06,340 --> 00:49:09,537
Well then how do you know...
- Gordon had himself taken care of.
522
00:49:09,660 --> 00:49:11,810
A vasectomy.
523
00:49:11,940 --> 00:49:14,010
Oh, did that go up inside your nose?
524
00:49:14,180 --> 00:49:16,740
.. A vasectom�a.
- Yeah, you know it's that, um...
525
00:49:16,900 --> 00:49:21,690
When they snip the little tube that goes from the
thinga-ma-bobs up to the thinga-ma-jig.
526
00:49:21,820 --> 00:49:26,177
Ah, Gordon can explain it much better than I can.
You should ask him sometime.
527
00:49:26,300 --> 00:49:28,734
A vasectomy. Ohh...
528
00:49:36,620 --> 00:49:40,738
Hey, Linda. Charlie home?
- No.
529
00:49:40,860 --> 00:49:43,693
Good. Good to see you.
530
00:49:47,860 --> 00:49:52,490
Just thought I'd stop by and take another
measurement for that carpet. You mind?
531
00:49:52,900 --> 00:49:55,573
Just wanna make sure the fit is right.
532
00:49:55,700 --> 00:49:56,060
That's how you build a business
Gotta have something to pass on to your kids.
533
00:50:07,140 --> 00:50:09,290
Ray ...
534
00:50:19,580 --> 00:50:22,333
Hey, what happened to the treat part?
535
00:50:27,020 --> 00:50:29,329
Nice ass...
536
00:50:33,060 --> 00:50:35,369
Ah! You scared me!
537
00:50:40,500 --> 00:50:45,051
Oh here you are. Gordon would have a
fit seeing you sitting at his desk.
538
00:50:45,180 --> 00:50:47,296
Sacred territory, you know.
539
00:50:47,460 --> 00:50:50,258
I just wanted to see how the world
looked through the eyes of a geniuso.
540
00:50:50,380 --> 00:50:53,292
Not much different. Oh, thanks.
541
00:50:55,460 --> 00:50:59,772
Where is Gordon? Out prowling the
cemeteries looking for inspiration?
542
00:51:00,220 --> 00:51:05,214
No, he said he was going over to your house.
- Oh, right. Gee, I forgot.
543
00:51:05,980 --> 00:51:10,690
Musta just missed him. -You don't have to
cover for him, Charlie. I know what's going on.
544
00:51:10,860 --> 00:51:14,614
You do?
- Gordon's in love again.
545
00:51:15,060 --> 00:51:18,814
Whatta ya mean again?
- He's always falling in love. He's a poet.
546
00:51:20,340 --> 00:51:23,412
I found some of his file' deau.
547
00:51:23,540 --> 00:51:26,259
His what?
- His love letters.
548
00:51:26,380 --> 00:51:28,530
He hides 'em here behind Thomas Hardy.
549
00:51:28,700 --> 00:51:31,339
It's the one place I always look
550
00:51:33,340 --> 00:51:36,696
They're poems actually,
and they're not very good.
551
00:51:39,980 --> 00:51:44,019
"Now are we free to let our passions wander.
552
00:51:44,140 --> 00:51:47,689
While he walks off in his seedless
state to ponder.
553
00:51:47,820 --> 00:51:52,336
Oh, Muse,
Was every love so curiously found!
554
00:51:53,060 --> 00:51:57,372
Adultery by contract,
Legally bound.
555
00:51:57,540 --> 00:52:01,613
In token thus, I bend
with feverish lips
556
00:52:01,740 --> 00:52:06,097
to kiss the hearts that dance
upon your hips".
557
00:52:06,820 --> 00:52:09,857
He always writes that corny mush
when he's having an affair.
558
00:52:09,980 --> 00:52:11,897
Do you have any idea
who the woman is?
559
00:52:11,923 --> 00:52:14,920
- Probably some bubble-headed
co-ed from one of his classes.
560
00:52:15,020 --> 00:52:17,170
It doesn't bother you?
561
00:52:17,300 --> 00:52:20,098
There are so many things to
be worried about, Charlie.
562
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:22,654
The greenhouse effect, oil spills,
563
00:52:22,780 --> 00:52:25,419
garbage in space,
There's no cheese in Thailand.
564
00:52:25,540 --> 00:52:30,250
Oh, he's just being true to his nature.
I can't argue with that.
565
00:52:30,420 --> 00:52:32,570
It's just human nature.
566
00:52:32,740 --> 00:52:35,129
Well, you're human too, aren't you?
567
00:52:35,260 --> 00:52:37,979
I mean... of course you are.
568
00:52:38,100 --> 00:52:40,898
It's just human nature to
want a little revenge.
569
00:52:41,020 --> 00:52:44,171
Oh, I get my revenge in little ways.
570
00:52:44,860 --> 00:52:49,376
I erase his favorite video tapes.
It drives him crazy.
571
00:52:50,940 --> 00:52:53,613
Well, there's revenge ...
572
00:52:53,780 --> 00:52:56,169
And there's revenge.
573
00:52:56,300 --> 00:52:59,053
Now I know if it were me, I ...
574
00:53:02,300 --> 00:53:04,973
What should I do?
575
00:53:05,100 --> 00:53:08,137
Have an affair of my own?
576
00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:11,978
Now where would I find the energy?
577
00:53:12,140 --> 00:53:16,736
Besides, who in the whole world would
want to run around with someone like me?
578
00:53:20,900 --> 00:53:23,539
Would you?
579
00:53:46,140 --> 00:53:48,938
Look... I've been thinking...
580
00:53:50,620 --> 00:53:53,064
I know I've been fighting
you on this whole thing
581
00:53:53,090 --> 00:53:55,435
so far and I haven't been
exactly supportive...
582
00:53:55,540 --> 00:53:59,499
well, it's like you said.
We're both adults.
583
00:54:01,300 --> 00:54:05,259
Look, I just want you to know
that I'm behind you 100%
584
00:54:05,380 --> 00:54:08,133
Thanks, honey.
585
00:54:09,020 --> 00:54:11,454
Let's go upstairs...
586
00:54:12,580 --> 00:54:15,299
Now?
- Yeah. Light some candles...
587
00:54:15,420 --> 00:54:19,652
put on some music, tear off our clothes,
and scream until the rafters shake.
588
00:54:19,780 --> 00:54:22,852
Honey... Gordon's coming over.
589
00:54:22,980 --> 00:54:27,212
Tonight? This isn't Gordon's night.
This isn't even Gordon's week.
590
00:54:27,340 --> 00:54:31,174
I know, I know, but you know I have to go to
Oakland tomorrow for that trade show
591
00:54:32,020 --> 00:54:36,889
And it's the only time I could squeeze him in.
- But aren't you in a low fertility cycle?
592
00:54:37,020 --> 00:54:39,056
I'm on the cusp. -Yeah, but...
593
00:54:39,180 --> 00:54:44,254
You know I want to spend the night with you
but we have to put business before pleasure.
594
00:54:44,380 --> 00:54:48,851
What am I supposed to do?
Take another walk? Take in another movie?
595
00:54:49,020 --> 00:54:52,729
The library's open late
tonight. -The library?
596
00:54:53,500 --> 00:54:56,060
Honey, he doesn't want you in the house
and he is doing us a favor.
597
00:54:57,340 --> 00:55:03,370
You ever think that maybe we're priming the wrong pump here-that maybe the well has gone dry?
598
00:55:03,500 --> 00:55:06,731
Charlie, I'm doing the best I canr.
599
00:55:25,820 --> 00:55:28,778
What are you doing?
600
00:55:32,300 --> 00:55:36,009
Writing.
- Aren't you supposed to be at my house?
601
00:55:37,420 --> 00:55:40,571
And?
- Well that's what Linda told me.
602
00:55:44,060 --> 00:55:46,620
Oh... well, then... I'll just
603
00:55:49,140 --> 00:55:51,779
Go there.
604
00:55:52,300 --> 00:55:55,451
Strange.
Nah, it couldn't be, his wife is way too beautiful.
605
00:55:55,620 --> 00:55:58,612
Sexy, supple ...
606
00:55:58,980 --> 00:56:01,494
Erotic
607
00:56:53,220 --> 00:56:57,372
Anyway, $40 a square yard,
wall-to-wall.
608
00:56:57,700 --> 00:57:00,373
I could tell you carpet
stories you wouldn't believe.
609
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:04,288
'bout ready to get started?
- Yeah, yeah, just gotta get my socks off.
610
00:57:04,860 --> 00:57:07,738
Charlie may be home early. He
was in a funny mood tonight.
611
00:57:07,860 --> 00:57:10,977
I don't see why we don't tell Charlie about
this-make things a lot simpler
612
00:57:11,140 --> 00:57:13,893
Yeah, he'd kill both of us.
- Oh, no - I don't think so.
613
00:57:14,020 --> 00:57:17,569
I mean Charlie's very fond of me
and all my tubes are intact.
614
00:57:17,700 --> 00:57:21,932
I still say you should report this other guy to consumer
affairs of something. I mean he did sign a contract.
615
00:57:22,060 --> 00:57:24,699
Can we get started?
616
00:57:24,820 --> 00:57:27,493
Oh, yeah.
617
00:57:33,620 --> 00:57:36,851
How come you never wear that little this
with the hearts on it for me?
618
00:57:36,980 --> 00:57:39,289
A little inspiration would be helpful.
619
00:57:50,820 --> 00:57:52,776
Hello?
620
00:57:52,900 --> 00:57:55,175
Charlie?
- It's Gordon.
621
00:57:55,340 --> 00:57:58,298
Who?
- He's coming up. Hide.
622
00:57:58,980 --> 00:58:01,414
No, closet-closet.
623
00:58:09,260 --> 00:58:11,615
Gordon.
624
00:58:15,420 --> 00:58:18,412
Gordon, what are you doing here?
This isn't your night.
625
00:58:18,580 --> 00:58:22,368
That's what I thought, but I just saw Charlie
down at the lounge and he said you were waiting for me.
626
00:58:22,500 --> 00:58:26,971
No, he must have misunderstood. I'm
still in low fertility cycle.
627
00:58:27,140 --> 00:58:30,849
Well, mistakes can happen, but since I'm
already here... Look--
628
00:58:32,580 --> 00:58:34,571
Whipped cream.
629
00:58:34,700 --> 00:58:37,260
Oh, no I've gotta get some sleep. I have
to be in Oakland in the morning.
630
00:58:37,380 --> 00:58:40,053
Oakland is a perfect place to get some sleep.
631
00:58:52,700 --> 00:58:57,854
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why are you so
anxiouis to get rid of me? - Because I'm tired.
632
00:58:58,020 --> 00:59:02,650
Tired? You're always tired lately.
- Yeah, well I've been working too hard.
633
00:59:02,820 --> 00:59:05,459
At what? Certainly not me.
634
00:59:05,580 --> 00:59:09,778
Last few weeks you've been rather...
unmotivated, I would say.
635
00:59:10,940 --> 00:59:14,774
And secretive.
- What about you? You have your secrets, don't you?
636
00:59:15,300 --> 00:59:19,339
Me? My life is an open book where all
may come and browse.
637
00:59:19,460 --> 00:59:23,658
Wasn't there something you forgot to tell me?
Some little footnote you forgot to mention?
638
00:59:23,780 --> 00:59:27,819
Something you might be hiding?
- We all have something to hide, I'm sure.
639
00:59:28,140 --> 00:59:32,133
What are you hiding in there?
- I can't. Not tonight.
640
00:59:33,420 --> 00:59:36,537
Alright. Have your silly, little female pout
641
00:59:36,700 --> 00:59:41,330
I'll see you in a week when you get back.
- Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
642
00:59:51,700 --> 00:59:54,168
See you next week.
643
01:00:02,940 --> 01:00:05,659
I thought he was out of the picture.
644
01:00:10,900 --> 01:00:13,460
You didn't tell Charlie?
645
01:00:13,580 --> 01:00:16,219
It's very complicated.
- I see.
646
01:00:16,340 --> 01:00:19,810
Don't rush off, he's gone.
- Hey, I don't like this at all.
647
01:00:19,940 --> 01:00:22,215
I thought this was just
about having a baby.
648
01:00:22,340 --> 01:00:26,652
I don't wanna get involved in any love
triangle, rectangle, whatever it is.
649
01:00:26,780 --> 01:00:31,376
Besides, doesn't he know that you know about his condition?
- No, I wanted him to tell me.
650
01:00:31,540 --> 01:00:35,579
Why? - Because if he knew that I knew then
this'd be an affair instead of an agreement.
651
01:00:35,740 --> 01:00:38,652
It is an affair.
- It is not an affair.
652
01:00:38,820 --> 01:00:41,414
I don't think about him that way.
653
01:00:41,540 --> 01:00:45,215
I just need a little time to get
out of this thing gracefully, that's all.
654
01:00:45,380 --> 01:00:50,500
I think there's a little more to it than
that, Linda, and it's spelled S-E-X.
655
01:00:51,100 --> 01:00:57,016
No it's not. And if I stop seeing Gordon, how
am I gonna explain the baby to Charlie?
656
01:00:57,860 --> 01:01:01,296
But that doesn't explain the fact that you're still both
cheating on him. - Yes, it does.
657
01:01:01,460 --> 01:01:05,339
Charlie knows that we're sleeping together
So how can you call that cheating?
658
01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:07,969
It's you--you're the one
he doesn't know about.
659
01:01:08,140 --> 01:01:10,893
Yeah, but you're not interested in me.
660
01:01:11,340 --> 01:01:14,013
I never said that.
661
01:01:14,540 --> 01:01:17,338
Well, I sorta like youi too, Linda.
662
01:01:19,060 --> 01:01:21,449
No, sorry, this is not good.
663
01:01:21,580 --> 01:01:25,016
I gotta tell Charlie, make a clean
breast of it.
664
01:01:25,140 --> 01:01:28,815
You tell Charlie
I tell Dorothy.
665
01:01:36,300 --> 01:01:39,337
Off to the library. See you later.
666
01:01:44,300 --> 01:01:46,689
Hiya, neighbor.
667
01:01:55,460 --> 01:01:57,610
Goes with my arms...
668
01:01:57,740 --> 01:02:00,413
Get it? Disarmament?
669
01:02:02,100 --> 01:02:07,220
It's an idea I had to raise the socio-political
consciousness of high fashion...
670
01:02:07,340 --> 01:02:10,730
while raising money for Mothers
For A Good Earth.
671
01:02:10,860 --> 01:02:13,215
I'm ready to make my first contribution.
672
01:02:13,340 --> 01:02:16,252
Think it's a good idea?
-Yeah.
673
01:02:16,620 --> 01:02:21,091
We want to strip the world of
all nuclear weapons.
674
01:05:00,820 --> 01:05:04,051
I haven't done the missionary
position in years.
675
01:05:04,180 --> 01:05:06,819
Mmm - isn't it great?
- Yeah.
676
01:05:13,380 --> 01:05:15,530
Hi, honey,
- Hi Charlie.
677
01:05:17,100 --> 01:05:20,137
How ya doing?
- Oh, the usual.
678
01:05:20,540 --> 01:05:22,974
What's happening with you?
-Oh, just hanging out.
679
01:05:26,380 --> 01:05:28,416
Look, you just go ahead and take your time.
I'll find something to keep me occupied.
680
01:05:28,580 --> 01:05:31,811
Yeah? Okay, bye.
681
01:05:40,980 --> 01:05:43,130
Doctor, I wanted to ask you ...
682
01:05:43,260 --> 01:05:46,730
If I increase my sexual activity
Will that help my sperm count?
683
01:05:46,860 --> 01:05:49,420
In the medical profession
we have an expression:
684
01:05:49,540 --> 01:05:52,418
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
685
01:05:52,580 --> 01:05:54,730
In cases like yours, we have often found
686
01:05:54,860 --> 01:05:57,897
that success can be achieved
with positive thinking.
687
01:05:58,020 --> 01:06:02,252
Mind over matter.
Mind over matter, huh?
688
01:06:02,380 --> 01:06:07,170
Yes! What is the most important sex
organ in a man?
689
01:06:09,060 --> 01:06:11,449
The mind. -The mind? -The mind.
690
01:06:11,620 --> 01:06:15,579
The mind can rob you of a good night's sleep,
an erection, an orgasm.
691
01:06:15,700 --> 01:06:20,137
Worrying is like a killer. You
cannot afford the luxury of a negative thought.
692
01:06:20,260 --> 01:06:24,333
I want you to indulge yourself in your sexual
fantasies. Go wild.
693
01:06:24,740 --> 01:06:27,538
And I want you to try these positions.
694
01:06:27,660 --> 01:06:30,970
Here's an entire book of sexual positions.
695
01:06:31,180 --> 01:06:34,252
Helped me and the missus very much.
696
01:06:35,460 --> 01:06:39,612
Whoa - look at these pictures!
- Why should the illiterate suffer?
697
01:06:40,740 --> 01:06:46,212
Take this book, go home.
Don't make babies, make love.
698
01:06:46,860 --> 01:06:52,492
Go enjoy yourself. Avoid page 52.
It caused welts. My wife is still liimping.
699
01:06:58,380 --> 01:07:00,655
Rip.
- Charlie.
700
01:10:32,540 --> 01:10:34,974
Rip.
- Charlie.
701
01:10:45,700 --> 01:10:49,613
Need a hand with that?
- Nah, this is the last one up there.
702
01:10:50,940 --> 01:10:53,534
Hey! Get off the furniture! Excuse me.
703
01:10:55,780 --> 01:10:59,170
Hello, Merry Christmas. C'mon in.
704
01:11:05,660 --> 01:11:09,175
Your guests are arriving
- Ah, who cares. I didn't invite them.
705
01:11:09,340 --> 01:11:13,970
I think you really ought to greet them
after all, you are the master of the house.
706
01:11:15,860 --> 01:11:18,499
If only it were so.
707
01:11:19,980 --> 01:11:22,653
Those bells...
708
01:11:22,900 --> 01:11:27,337
Christmas is the season of peace.
That's all I want. Peace!
709
01:11:27,820 --> 01:11:30,175
Gordon, listen I have to ta...
710
01:11:30,340 --> 01:11:35,733
Linda, could you do me a favor? Could you watch the
door? I've gotta go to the bathroom again.
711
01:11:37,940 --> 01:11:41,330
God, she's a nervous wreck. It's the fifth
time she's been to the bathroom already.
712
01:11:41,460 --> 01:11:45,248
She must be hitting the egg nog heavy
- Listen, Gordon ...
713
01:11:45,420 --> 01:11:48,218
What rhymes with hernia?
714
01:11:48,700 --> 01:11:51,851
Gordon ...
- Those bells!
715
01:11:52,620 --> 01:11:54,895
Those bells!
716
01:11:55,020 --> 01:11:58,057
Someone must stop those bells...
717
01:11:59,060 --> 01:12:01,494
I'll talk to you later.
718
01:12:08,140 --> 01:12:12,213
Hey. You look very cute tonight.
- Thank you--it's the new one you bought me.
719
01:12:12,380 --> 01:12:14,848
I know.
720
01:12:15,020 --> 01:12:17,693
So where have you been?
- Working overtime...are you playing host now, too?
721
01:12:17,820 --> 01:12:20,812
Mmm-hmm�?
722
01:12:21,180 --> 01:12:25,139
I've got something I want to talk to you
about. It's important.
723
01:12:26,580 --> 01:12:29,048
Hi.
724
01:12:35,780 --> 01:12:38,533
Charlie ...
725
01:12:39,180 --> 01:12:43,617
What rhymes with hernia?
- Oligospermia.
726
01:12:44,140 --> 01:12:46,529
Merry Christmas, Gordon.
727
01:12:46,660 --> 01:12:49,732
That's... Thank you!
728
01:12:50,020 --> 01:12:54,059
This is quite a role reversal, isn't it?
Usually, you're visiting my house.
729
01:12:54,180 --> 01:12:57,889
How's the experiment going? Heading
into the fifth month, I believe.
730
01:12:58,020 --> 01:13:02,377
I don't know what's causing the delay.
All I can urge is perseverance.
731
01:13:02,540 --> 01:13:05,054
Ah, no rush.
732
01:13:05,220 --> 01:13:08,018
Rome wasn't built in a day.
- Quite right.
733
01:13:08,180 --> 01:13:12,617
So tell me, how's Maureen handling the situation?
Does she suspect anything?
734
01:13:12,900 --> 01:13:17,894
Completed wrapped up in her own affairs.
I imagine she is.
735
01:13:19,780 --> 01:13:24,410
Looks like you're going to have a good turnout.
I hate parties with people in them.
736
01:13:25,180 --> 01:13:27,614
Oligospermia.
737
01:13:28,060 --> 01:13:30,779
Oligospermia.
738
01:13:38,260 --> 01:13:40,490
Merry Christmas
739
01:13:40,620 --> 01:13:43,293
I'm pregnant.
740
01:13:46,500 --> 01:13:49,936
I found out this morning.
I'm well into the second month.
741
01:13:50,100 --> 01:13:54,173
Which means it happened sometime between
Halloween and Thanksgiving
742
01:13:54,300 --> 01:13:56,814
Well?
743
01:13:59,980 --> 01:14:02,699
Congratulations.
744
01:14:13,780 --> 01:14:17,375
What are you doing?
Abandoning the pregnant woman?
745
01:14:17,540 --> 01:14:20,179
Well you're with Gordon.
Everyone's with Gordon.
746
01:14:20,740 --> 01:14:23,618
It's not Gordon's baby.
- Well whose is it?
747
01:14:23,740 --> 01:14:26,208
Whattaya mean 'whose is it?' It's yours.
748
01:14:26,860 --> 01:14:29,249
No, no, no...
749
01:14:29,420 --> 01:14:32,218
this is Gordon's baby,
that's all there is to that.
750
01:14:32,380 --> 01:14:33,322
You think I'm lying?
751
01:14:33,348 --> 01:14:37,115
- Oh, I have no doubt you're pregnant. Seems
to be the house specialty around here
752
01:14:37,220 --> 01:14:41,850
but it has nothing to do with me.
- This is not Gordon's baby.
753
01:14:42,020 --> 01:14:44,853
He had a vasectomy.
754
01:14:45,500 --> 01:14:47,570
What?
755
01:14:47,700 --> 01:14:52,296
A vasectomy. It's where they cut the whatchamacallit
that goes to the thingamahbob.
756
01:14:52,460 --> 01:14:55,770
I know what a vasectomy is.
- So you see?
757
01:14:55,940 --> 01:14:58,060
It's your baby, Charlie.
758
01:14:58,700 --> 01:15:01,692
The question is, what are we gonna do?
759
01:15:04,500 --> 01:15:09,620
So you think Gordon and Linda should be involved?
- Well, they're a lot more involved than you think.
760
01:15:09,740 --> 01:15:12,334
Maureen, the guru is here.
761
01:15:18,500 --> 01:15:20,855
Charlie ...
762
01:15:21,340 --> 01:15:24,059
I'm pregnant.
- You?
763
01:15:24,820 --> 01:15:27,857
Must have been around, I
dunno, Halloween or something.
764
01:15:28,020 --> 01:15:30,454
See? A little patience...
765
01:15:30,580 --> 01:15:32,855
I knew Gordon would come through for us.
766
01:15:32,980 --> 01:15:35,175
Here, gimme your hand. Can you feel it?
767
01:15:35,300 --> 01:15:37,894
Have you told Gordon yet?
- No.
768
01:15:38,020 --> 01:15:41,979
I'll bet he'll be surprised.
- Why should he be surprised?
769
01:15:42,100 --> 01:15:47,652
Because you don't see too many women getting knocked
up by a guy who's had a vasectomy. I are really impressed.
770
01:15:48,020 --> 01:15:51,217
A what?
- You know where the cut the fuel line to the thingamahbob?
771
01:15:51,340 --> 01:15:54,059
But that means that he's been deceiving me?
772
01:15:54,220 --> 01:15:57,337
Taking advantage of me. Using me.
773
01:15:57,500 --> 01:16:01,573
And he seemed like such a nice man.
- Oh, I don't even want to think about it.
774
01:16:02,020 --> 01:16:05,251
Well then, think about this...
775
01:16:06,220 --> 01:16:09,212
If it's not Gordon's baby.
776
01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:12,693
Whose is it?
777
01:16:13,020 --> 01:16:15,215
It's mine!
778
01:16:15,340 --> 01:16:17,934
Of course! Of course, it's yours!
779
01:16:21,340 --> 01:16:24,935
Now, if you had listened to me.
780
01:16:25,060 --> 01:16:27,415
We could have avoided all this
disgusting business.
781
01:16:27,540 --> 01:16:29,690
Okay...
782
01:16:29,820 --> 01:16:32,380
What a fool I've been.
783
01:16:33,700 --> 01:16:36,976
Come on over here, little mamma
784
01:16:40,020 --> 01:16:42,011
Rest your little feet
785
01:16:42,140 --> 01:16:45,530
And I'm gonna go find little Gordon
and kill him.
786
01:16:46,660 --> 01:16:49,220
Oh... this will do...
787
01:17:00,100 --> 01:17:02,568
Did you see Gordon?
- No.
788
01:17:04,060 --> 01:17:08,178
Linda, I have to talk to you.
- How 'bout you? Have you seen Gordon?
789
01:17:08,300 --> 01:17:10,768
No.
790
01:17:26,580 --> 01:17:28,889
What are you doing here?
- I had to see you.
791
01:17:29,020 --> 01:17:33,059
I waited at that hotel yesterday for 2 hours
and now today you don't return any of my calls.
792
01:17:33,220 --> 01:17:37,133
You make me feel unwanted.
- You are unwanted! Get out of here!
793
01:17:37,340 --> 01:17:41,811
Linda, don't toy with me like this.
- I am not toying. I'm pregnant.
794
01:17:42,900 --> 01:17:45,255
We're having a baby?
795
01:17:46,380 --> 01:17:49,019
Shh! Charlies in the house.
- I knew we could do it.
796
01:17:49,140 --> 01:17:51,859
It's done, our business is concluded.
Now, go away!
797
01:17:51,980 --> 01:17:54,494
Go away? I'm not gonna desert you now.
798
01:17:54,660 --> 01:17:59,256
And I think it's time that Charlie knew the truth about us.
- What truth? There is no truth. We were pretending.
799
01:17:59,380 --> 01:18:03,293
I've been a carpet salesman for many years
And I know the genuine article when I see it.
800
01:18:03,460 --> 01:18:06,133
What about those screams, huh?
Dorothy never screamed like that.
801
01:18:06,260 --> 01:18:08,820
I always scream. It's a nervous reaction.
802
01:18:08,940 --> 01:18:11,454
No, no. It's the call of the wild.
803
01:18:11,620 --> 01:18:15,852
I feel it too. I wake up in the morning and
I'm like a teenager again.
804
01:18:16,020 --> 01:18:19,615
Get off of me. I've got no interest in you..
805
01:18:19,780 --> 01:18:22,578
You can't reason with me. I'm an animal.
806
01:18:22,740 --> 01:18:24,970
Jungle fever's raging in my blood.
807
01:18:25,100 --> 01:18:29,059
It's over. Can't you accept
that the job is done?
808
01:18:29,220 --> 01:18:31,211
Have pity on my, Linda.
809
01:18:31,380 --> 01:18:34,497
I'm a man who's never known passion
in his whole life.
810
01:18:43,180 --> 01:18:45,535
Oh, Ray ...
811
01:18:46,340 --> 01:18:48,854
Gordon! Gordon!
812
01:18:50,540 --> 01:18:53,134
This is my meditation spot.
813
01:18:56,460 --> 01:18:59,133
Oh, my...
- Gad!
814
01:19:00,820 --> 01:19:03,414
Let's go give out some presents.
815
01:19:08,740 --> 01:19:11,208
I hope I didn't embarass you.
816
01:19:15,060 --> 01:19:17,449
Gordon... I want you dead...
817
01:19:17,940 --> 01:19:20,852
We need to talk.
818
01:19:21,020 --> 01:19:25,218
Christmas parties bring out the ugliest
women in town, don't you think?
819
01:19:26,140 --> 01:19:29,974
We have to talk.
- Yes, let's talk.
820
01:19:30,140 --> 01:19:33,610
I'm pregnant.
- You are? Well good for you.
821
01:19:33,740 --> 01:19:37,096
That's your reaction?
- Well you don't expect me to be surprised do you?
822
01:19:37,220 --> 01:19:41,293
After all, getting pregnant was the main
objective as I recall.
823
01:19:41,460 --> 01:19:44,816
Your duplicity is staring you right in the
face and you don't even blink!
824
01:19:44,980 --> 01:19:49,690
Duplicity? How was I duplicitous? I told you about
my genius, my lack of principals, my love...
825
01:19:49,820 --> 01:19:54,610
A love spacious enough
to embrace a whole whirling galaxy.
826
01:19:54,740 --> 01:19:57,060
But did youi tell me about your vasectomy?
- No, I didn't.
827
01:19:57,220 --> 01:20:00,815
Did you tell me your thingamahbob was in drydock?
- No, I have to admit...
828
01:20:00,940 --> 01:20:03,135
You'll have to admit! You
have to admit you led me on!
829
01:20:03,260 --> 01:20:06,616
All that bullshit about star children and
destiny and flowers that match my eyes
830
01:20:06,780 --> 01:20:09,817
You exploited my natural urges so
you could sleep with me, didn't you?
831
01:20:09,940 --> 01:20:15,139
Well, that's one way of looking at it, but believe
me there are extenuating circumstances.
832
01:20:15,300 --> 01:20:18,497
Well then, extenuate for us, by all means.
833
01:20:18,620 --> 01:20:21,657
Charlie! Charlie, you have a rather
murderous glint in your eye...
834
01:20:21,820 --> 01:20:25,369
I hope that doesn't presage the acting out of
irrational implulses.
835
01:20:25,740 --> 01:20:29,653
I've always prided myself on being fair
and open-minded.
836
01:20:29,820 --> 01:20:35,372
And I'm sure you have good, solid reasons
for not telling us about your vasectomy.
837
01:20:35,580 --> 01:20:39,732
I'm all ears.
- To be perfectly honest, the reason I didn't tell you was
838
01:20:39,860 --> 01:20:42,579
that I didn't think that you would find out about it.
839
01:20:42,700 --> 01:20:46,454
Bad answer!
- Charlie, Charlie, wait. Try to see it from my standpoint.
840
01:20:46,580 --> 01:20:50,971
You have a lovely wife. A lovely, voluptuous,
ravishing pearl.
841
01:20:51,100 --> 01:20:53,375
And you offered her to me on a silve platter.
842
01:20:53,500 --> 01:20:57,413
Now suppose I offered you my wife? What would you have done?
- Don't change the subject.
843
01:20:57,580 --> 01:21:01,812
The subject is, I'm gonna kill you!
- Charlie, violence is never a civilized alternative.
844
01:21:01,940 --> 01:21:04,090
Get your slimy hands off my wife!
845
01:21:04,260 --> 01:21:07,218
Charlie, just because I am a poet...
846
01:21:09,060 --> 01:21:11,733
... Doesn't mean that you can push
me around.
847
01:21:12,660 --> 01:21:15,891
Charlie! For God's sakes, Charlie!
848
01:21:23,900 --> 01:21:26,289
Hi, Charlie.
849
01:21:26,900 --> 01:21:29,972
Oh, Santa forgot to mark them
There's no names...
850
01:21:34,220 --> 01:21:36,734
Would you mind dialing my lawyer for me?
851
01:21:39,540 --> 01:21:42,100
You're gonna need a lawyer.
You broke your contract.
852
01:21:42,220 --> 01:21:46,133
I got her pregnant, didn't I?
- You got her pregnant? I got her pregnant.
853
01:21:46,260 --> 01:21:49,332
Can I say something?
- You, shut up!
854
01:21:53,140 --> 01:21:56,610
You... An admitted oligospermiac.
Don't make me laugh.
855
01:21:56,740 --> 01:22:02,098
It only takes one, pal. I may not have much
juice, but at least I'm still hooked up to the generator.
856
01:22:02,220 --> 01:22:05,929
He's got a point, Gordon.
- Pay no attention to his cretinous arguments
857
01:22:06,060 --> 01:22:10,178
what does your heart say? What does your
womb say? You know I'm the father.
858
01:22:10,300 --> 01:22:13,497
I'm the father.
- Actually, I'm the father.
859
01:22:17,100 --> 01:22:20,012
Santa doesn't have anymore presents.
860
01:22:23,100 --> 01:22:26,058
What is wrong witih you?
- She's overcome.
861
01:22:26,780 --> 01:22:29,499
I'm pregnant.
- What?
862
01:22:29,620 --> 01:22:31,895
Again?
863
01:22:32,020 --> 01:22:34,614
Whattaya mean you're pregnant. I thought
you said he has a vasectomy.
864
01:22:38,260 --> 01:22:40,899
Gordon's not the father.
865
01:22:43,740 --> 01:22:46,812
What? Did you expect me to spend every
night at the library?
866
01:22:46,940 --> 01:22:49,659
I can't believe it. You and Maureen?
867
01:22:49,820 --> 01:22:53,495
Well what about you and Gordon? You gonna
pretend that was business?
868
01:22:54,060 --> 01:22:56,528
Gordon?
869
01:22:56,660 --> 01:23:00,653
That's right and there's the other woman--
the bubble-headed co-ed.
870
01:23:01,620 --> 01:23:04,817
The hearts dancing on her hips...
871
01:23:05,340 --> 01:23:09,379
And here's the evidence.
The incriminating filly-do.
872
01:23:09,580 --> 01:23:12,731
Don't be silly
These are poems of friendship.
873
01:23:12,860 --> 01:23:17,854
And naturally, when you sleep with someone for 4 months
there's bound to be some kind of platonic relationship.
874
01:23:17,980 --> 01:23:21,131
Four month?
- It was just a business relationship.
875
01:23:21,260 --> 01:23:24,411
Obviously, if I had known about his vasectomy
I wouldn't have let him near me.
876
01:23:24,540 --> 01:23:28,658
But I told you he had a vasectomy three months ago.
- Three months and four days.
877
01:23:28,900 --> 01:23:31,573
Was it that long?
- You knew?
878
01:23:31,700 --> 01:23:34,373
You knew? - Oh, yeah.
- I was never sure.
879
01:23:34,540 --> 01:23:37,293
And while you were sipping my tea, you were
sleeping with my husband?
880
01:23:37,420 --> 01:23:40,776
But you were sleeping with my husband.
- But that was for revenge.
881
01:23:40,900 --> 01:23:44,939
You were supposed to be trying to have a baby. You were lying.
- No she wasn't.
882
01:23:45,060 --> 01:23:48,814
Ray, I'd really rather you...
- No, let's get this out in the open.
883
01:23:48,940 --> 01:23:51,374
I'm not gonna stand here and see your
character besmirched.
884
01:23:51,500 --> 01:23:56,290
This brave and wonderful woman had one dream
in her whole life - to have a baby.
885
01:23:56,420 --> 01:24:02,017
Now is that so wrong? And I am proud to say
that she turned to me. I was her provider.
886
01:24:02,180 --> 01:24:05,138
You've been screwing Ray?
- It was your idea.
887
01:24:05,300 --> 01:24:08,417
The one time she listens to me!
- Well, wait a minute.
888
01:24:09,020 --> 01:24:12,137
Let's look at the situation objectivey.
889
01:24:12,260 --> 01:24:16,219
I've been sleeping with Linda
You've been sleeping with Maureen.
890
01:24:16,540 --> 01:24:19,179
Linda's been sleeping with Ralph...
- Ray.
891
01:24:19,340 --> 01:24:21,376
Linda claims to be pregnant,
892
01:24:21,500 --> 01:24:26,733
Charlie claims to be the father, Ray claims
to be the father, and I claim to be the father.
893
01:24:26,860 --> 01:24:28,816
Which is impossible.
- Is it?
894
01:24:28,980 --> 01:24:32,814
Youi had a vasectomy.
- I have also had a vasovasostemy.
895
01:24:32,940 --> 01:24:35,693
What do you say to that?
- A vaso... A what?
896
01:24:35,860 --> 01:24:39,296
A vasovasostemy. A reverse vasectomy.
897
01:24:39,420 --> 01:24:43,049
Oh, come on - you can't do that.
- It's been done. I'm a whole man again.
898
01:24:43,180 --> 01:24:47,298
You mean you let them go in there twice?
- I had to fulfill my end of the bargain.
899
01:24:47,420 --> 01:24:52,448
Oh, give us a break, Gordon. Do you believe this beeswax?
A vasocolostomy?
900
01:24:52,620 --> 01:24:57,060
Vasovastotemy, you peabrain.
- I don't care what you call it, it's nonsense.
901
01:24:57,220 --> 01:25:02,135
Might as well face the truth, Charlie.
I love her and she adores me.
902
01:25:02,300 --> 01:25:05,770
We can't pretend anymore.
We're past the point of no return.
903
01:25:05,900 --> 01:25:08,573
No.
904
01:25:08,740 --> 01:25:12,779
You rejecting me? Me?
- I told you it was a business arrangement.
905
01:25:12,900 --> 01:25:16,449
You mean to say that youi don't love me?
That you never loved me?
906
01:25:16,620 --> 01:25:20,329
That all those nights of honey and whipped
cream were figments of my imagination?
907
01:25:20,460 --> 01:25:23,657
We don't belong together, Gordon,
we have nothing in common.
908
01:25:23,820 --> 01:25:26,971
We have the star child!
- Oh, please.
909
01:25:27,220 --> 01:25:30,053
Gordon, this is the real world,
not some epic poem.
910
01:25:30,220 --> 01:25:33,257
You belong with Maureen,
and I belong with Charlie.
911
01:25:33,380 --> 01:25:35,655
Someday we'll all look back at
this and laugh.
912
01:25:35,780 --> 01:25:39,170
I'm laughing now.
So this is how it ends.
913
01:25:39,340 --> 01:25:42,332
You don't deserve to carry my baby.
- It's my baby.
914
01:25:42,500 --> 01:25:46,254
It's my baby.
- It's my baby and I'll decide who the father is.
915
01:25:46,380 --> 01:25:49,417
That would be a neat solution
Get rid of anything that's inconvenient.
916
01:25:49,540 --> 01:25:51,895
Yeah, like you. Come on, Linda
we're going.
917
01:25:52,060 --> 01:25:54,654
Good! Go!
918
01:25:56,860 --> 01:26:00,535
Get thee hence!
And take your illegitimate progeny with you!
919
01:26:00,660 --> 01:26:03,094
Gordon, you're behaving like a child.
920
01:26:03,220 --> 01:26:05,290
Leave them.
921
01:26:05,460 --> 01:26:07,530
Let them be trampled underfoot.
922
01:26:07,700 --> 01:26:11,978
Like I have been, downtrodden by a mad,
unworthy passion.
923
01:26:12,100 --> 01:26:14,933
Ah, who cares about your damned
poems anyway. I told you he was a nut.
924
01:26:15,060 --> 01:26:18,052
Come on, Linda, we're going.
- Let go of me.
925
01:26:18,300 --> 01:26:21,929
No, Linda. I've been letting go too long.
926
01:26:22,300 --> 01:26:26,816
From now on .. .
We do things our way.
927
01:26:33,700 --> 01:26:36,817
I don't care what you say,
it's still my baby.
928
01:26:42,580 --> 01:26:47,176
In case you ever need any new carpets.
- I like my carpets.
929
01:26:48,340 --> 01:26:50,695
Oh, yeah...
930
01:27:00,100 --> 01:27:02,694
Are you waiting for an encore?
931
01:27:03,180 --> 01:27:05,648
Do you think I made my point?
932
01:27:07,260 --> 01:27:10,252
Yes, I think you made your point.
933
01:27:10,500 --> 01:27:12,889
Good.
934
01:27:15,100 --> 01:27:18,410
After all that, I didn't
need any help.
935
01:27:18,580 --> 01:27:20,730
And it turned out alright.
936
01:27:20,860 --> 01:27:24,739
Gordon went back to Maureen.
Linda came back to me.
937
01:27:24,860 --> 01:27:27,658
We all learned something about life.
938
01:27:27,780 --> 01:27:30,772
Lotsa new positions!
939
01:27:32,940 --> 01:27:35,615
Linda got pregnant, Maureen got pregnant,
940
01:27:35,980 --> 01:27:37,289
And it was all me!
941
01:27:37,420 --> 01:27:41,890
The new sperm king is gonna be a father!
942
01:27:43,820 --> 01:27:46,414
Congratulations!
943
01:27:47,740 --> 01:27:50,208
It's triplets!
944
01:27:50,460 --> 01:27:53,099
I love my work.
945
01:27:54,500 --> 01:27:56,855
I'm so happy for you...
946
01:27:56,980 --> 01:27:58,936
Or you...
947
01:27:59,060 --> 01:28:01,733
Or you...
- Oh, yeah.
948
01:28:01,860 --> 01:28:04,658
Whichever.81435
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