All language subtitles for Ace.Ventura.Jr.Pet.Detective.2009.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

(SQUAWKING)

(SQUAWKING)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

I've got you now.

That's it, my little
misunderstood friend.

Nibble the powdery
cinnamon bliss.

(SQUEAKING)

No!

Your path ends in death!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(BABY CRYING)

(BABY LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SQUEAKING)

No!

You have been saved.

No charge.

(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)

This is certainly
an ironic situation

with an apex
predator there

and me over here,
holding this little guy

at the bottom of
the food chain and all.

Hey, Mom!
Look what I found!

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Ace Irwin Ventura,
you get out of that habitat

and away from that
man-eating alligator
this instant!

Okay.

Stay!

(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)

Ugh!

How many times
have I told you...

A million!

Visiting me at the zoo...

Is a privilege,
not a right.

And this is the last time
I get to come here...

If you're gonna
behave this way!

I'm serious, Ace.

You're always
serious, Mom.

And do you know why?

Because you're not gonna
lose me like you lost Dad.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I don't know why
I had to save him,
I just did!

It's a mouse, Ace.

That's why we have
traps here.

You are not, I repeat,

not responsible for
every stray animal

in every corner
of this planet.

I'm not?
No!

(SQUEAKING)

Now give me the mouse.

And the hedgehog.

(SQUEAKING)

And the guinea pig.

And the ferret.

(FERRET DOOKING)

And the toad.

(CROAKING)
Oh, there we go!

What?

Baby gator.

What baby gator?

Fine, here.

Now you're
late for school.

Let's go.
Hey, what's that?

Ace!

What's going on over here?

Honey, honey,
come back here.

Ace, okay, look.
Pong Ping?

The Chinese government
has loaned us Pong Ping
and Ting Tang,

the world's
most famous pandas.

And there's gonna be
an unveiling next week.

Now, Ace...
I know.

I promise, no trying
to find missing pets,

or helping animals
or anything.

Even if they're
about to get run over.

Okay, that's not
what I mean.

And I will try
to be normal.

Thank you, A.J.

Now will you
please go to school?

Okay.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Normal.

Normal.

Must be normal.

BOY: Hey, Tara. Is it true
what happened to your pet?

TARA: Yeah.

I woke up this morning

and my pet rabbit, Mimzy,
was totally gone.

Rabbit Mimzy, lost.

Of course we're depressed.

Our skunk's been
missing two weeks.

We're emotional
wrecks about it.

I will be normal.

My friend Bethany
can't find her chinchilla.

It's an animal-nabbing
epidemic!

BOY: Laura, what about you?

You think that's bad?

The other day, Greeny,
my incredibly rare
emerald green koi fish

vanished right
out of the aquarium.

(SCREAMS)

PRINCIPAL: (ON INTERCOM)
Your attention, please.

I have some sad news.

Mr. Chompers, our beloved
swim team mascot,
has gone missing.

ALL: Aw!

PRINCIPAL: Any student
with information

is requested to report
to the pool immediately.

Well, he's gone.

Do you know where
our mascot is or not?

Well, I wouldn't say
I know where he is.

But you know who took him?

Not exactly.

But you have some
kind of lead?

Define "lead."

Forget this loser!

No! Wait!
I can find him.

What makes you
think that?

I just know I can.

Ooh, what are you,
some kind of pet...

...finder guy?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Just give me four days.
What do you got to lose?

You got 72 hours.

Okay. 72 hours.

That's like two weeks.

That's great!

(BARKS)

I know what Mom said,
but this is important.

She won't find out.

(GROWLS)

Now, cowboy up, dog,

because we're not just gonna
go find Mr. Chompers.

I hear a whole lot of
lost pets calling my name.

* I need a shot

* I need a shot of ambition

* I need a hit

That'll do it.
(BARKS)

This is the busiest
intersection in town, Ox.

(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CRASHING)

Thousands of people
will see this.

Recognize your Mimzy?

No.

Number three,
hop to the right.
(FLATULATES)

Uh-oh! Number one
just went number two.

Number four, stop doing
that to number three!

Would you guys
stop multiplying?

Well, how about now?

Lost hamster,
milk for Milton.

Help find Milton.

Runaway rodent.

Do a brother a solid.

Milk for Milton.

Please, help find Milton.

I found Milton!

No.

I didn't find Milton.

Offensive action!
Three, two, one!

(FLATULATES)

(SQUEALS)

Now, that's offensive.

Stop toying with
our emotions.

That's not
Breezy, moron!

ALL: Skunk!

(STUDENTS SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

It's called "papering
the town," Oxnard!

Very effective method
for disseminating
information.

(BARKS)

(BARKING)

That's not true.

I treat every one
of my missing pets
exactly the same

no matter who
they belong to.

Well, here we are, Ox.

Casa de Laura Wilson's house.

The scene of the crime.

(BARKS)

Sorry, old friend,
now's not the time
to tell Laura how I feel.

I am not scared
to talk to her!

Oh, you think so, huh?

Yeah, well, watch
and learn, Puppy Chow.

We'll find her pet,

and then I'll find time to
express how I really feel.

Hi, Ace.

Oh, my God,
you're pretty!

What?

(OXNARD WHIMPERS)

Um... your koi fish.

She's itty-bitty.

Yeah, she sure is.

Much like a grunion.

Stand aside, ma'am.

Clues don't find
themselves, you know.

Oxnard, while I'm young?

Crime scene is secure.
No sign of
any forced entries.

Initial suspects include
the scuba man
and the treasure chest.

Remember when I brought her
into school

as part of my report
on unusual animals?

The next morning,
when I woke up,
Greeny was gone.

Really?

Case number
349A49320451.

Neptune Alpha
Charlie Horse.

Missing green koi fish.

Answers to Greeny.

Question.

Have you tried
calling her?

Calling her?

She's a fish.
(MUMBLES)

May I?

Sure.

(GARGLES)

(CONTINUES GARGLING)

Well, she's gone.

Yeah.

Owner is one Laura Wilson.

Smart. Funny.
Great listener.

(SNIFFS)

Excellent personal hygiene.

A smile that'll
make you feel like
pudding inside

and skin like
peaches and cream,

except for maybe this
one spot on her
perfectly formed chin.

Possibly a pimple?

A pimple? Where?

Oh! I'm such an idiot.

(BARKS)
ACE: No one asked you.

Er, um, Oxnard and I
must be going now.

Anyway,
your lovable collection
of aquatic friends

will have their emerald
companion back in, um...

...three days.

Really?
I promise.

You broke your promise.

What did I tell you?

That I'm not responsible
for the well-being

of every stray animal in
every corner of the planet.

But, Mom, I had to.

Do you think I like scooping
poop all day? I don't.

I got this job so that
you could see animals
as much as you want

whenever you want,

safely and with
complete supervision.

Yeah, but it's not
the same, okay?

I want to find
lost animals.

I love it.

Okay, I tried every other
extracurricular activity

you wanted me to
and I mastered them all.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

What?

(VOCALIZING)

Next.

(WHISTLES)

(WHISTLES)

Bananas.

P-r-e-t-t-y.

Pretty.
JUDGE: That is correct.

Your word is
antidisestablishmentarianism.

P-R-E-T-T-Y.
Pretty.

(BUZZER RINGS)

* Oh

* Who's the man?
* You're the man

* Who's the man?
* You're the man

(SNIFFS)

* That's what
I thought, yeah!

* Who's the man?
* You're the man...

ACE: This was a dumb idea!

(LOUD SPLASH)

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Okay, maybe I didn't
master all of them

but maybe athletics
aren't my calling.

Wait, was
Dad an athlete?

A good speller?
An entertainer?

This is not about your dad.

We'll talk about him
another time.

Mom, you always say that.

I'm not ready
for that talk yet.

We can have it
when you're older.

(OXNARD BURPS)
I am older, Mom.

I'm 12 years old,

and I'm starting to have
all these weird feelings

and I don't have
a dad for "that talk."

Honey, everybody your age
has those feelings.

No, Mom.

(SLURPS)

Not these feelings.

That's it!

You are not eating
out of a dog bowl.

You are not sticking
your head out
of a car window,

and you're gonna use
the toilet for something
other than drinking.

And you're gonna
be like other kids!

But, Mom, this is who I am.

No, it's not.

It's who you're
acting like.

(ANIMALS SCREECHING
AND HOOTING)

(SQUEALS)

(GASPS)

(FLATULATES)

Morning!

Good morning, Mom.

Hey, what's with
that hat on?

What hat?

Ace.

It's what all the kids
are doing.

You said you wanted me to be
like them, so here you go.

Not at the table.

Mom. Mom, the cereal!

Oh, my God.

What?

It's happening.
What is it?

(DOOR SLAMS)
Put your hands up!

(GASPS)
(SOLDIERS CLAMORING)

(OXNARD BARKING)

Don't move!

Melissa Ventura?

Yeah.

Oh, wow, one more punch
and you get a free yogurt.

The Cinnamon Hippo?

Is that like
Chuck E. Cheese?
Never mind that.

Russell Hollander, NBFW.

National Bureau
of Fish and Wildlife.

Smart kid.
I'm in charge here.

Do you have any idea
how often they let
a member of Fish and Wildlife

lead a SWAT team?

Yeah. Never.

You guys don't
even get badges.

You wear patches.

Give me that.

Try that again and I'll have
you arrested for assaulting
a federal officer.

Okay, fine, jeez.

But, technically,
police dogs outrank you.

MAN: Ranger Hollander?
They're towing your car, sir.

Again?
MELISSA: Hey.
Wait a minute.

Can't you just tell us
what you're looking for?

Your case is the biggest
thing in service history.

They're even calling guys
back from Alaska for this.

Playing dumb is
not gonna work.

You left a lot of evidence
at the crime scene,
Mrs. Ventura.

We found your shoeprints
all over the place.

In English,
Ranger Smith.

Ting Tang has been stolen.

(GASPS)

My mom works for the zoo.

Of course her footprints
were there.

And your bank accounts show
you've been living
paycheck-to-paycheck.

I suspect a panda cub
brings big bucks on
the black market, huh?

We found something, sir!

Look at this.

Your ransom note?

MELISSA: Somebody
sent that to us.

I don't even know
what that means.

And this.
(MELISSA GASPS)

(GRUNTS)
A tranquilizer gun.

Sir, your finger...prints.

Recently fired.

They give us all
tranquilizer guns.

I used it to
sedate a chimpanzee.

Oh, that was actually
very funny.

He grabbed a hold of this
tourist's leg and started...

That's enough, Ace.

Melissa Ventura...

...you're under arrest.

What?
(GROWLS FEROCIOUSLY)

Down, boy! Down, boy!
Down, boy!

Down! Down!

It's all been a mistake.
This has all been a mistake.

There you go.
There we go.

We'll sort it all out.

Oh, God.
It's like chocolate.

They're so good.
I know.

Oh!

Come on.

I am not going anywhere till
I can make a call for someone
to stay with my son.

Give her the cell phone.

It'll be all right, Mom.
I'll find Ting Tang.

No.

You promised. I don't want
you to do anything, Ace.

One call.

(SIGHS)

Okay, while you walk,
come on.

I'm gonna call
his grandfather.

But, Mom, Grandpa's
gonna be on a cruise

for another four weeks.

I'm calling your
other grandpa.

What other grandpa?

Grandpa...

Ventura.

Huh?

Rex?

It's Melissa.

(MAN WHEEZES)

(MEOWS)

(MAN CONTINUES WHEEZING)

Come on, Spark.

Come on, Spark.

Sorry about that.

Ooh!

Hello, Ace.

Grandpa?

First thing,
your mom is fine.

She's gonna have
a bail hearing on Friday.

You can see her then.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CONTINUES CLEARING THROAT)

Darn hairballs.

What can you do?

My cat's on his 8th life.

There are some spots
he's simply too old
to lick himself.

(CHOKES)

Too much information.

Well, Ace,
I haven't seen you
since you were a baby.

What are you now, 84?

Grandpa, I'm 12.

Right. Dog years.

84 years old.

I'll bet you're helping
animals by now,
aren't you?

Come on,
show me your office!

Come on, Sparky!

Come on, Sparky,
here we go!

That a boy.

So, these are the animals
you're trying to find, huh?

Well, I was, but then Mom
said it was too dangerous.

Re-ea-eally?

LAURA: (ECHOING) Hi, Ace.

(CHUCKLES)
You obsess much?

What, about Laura?
No, not really.

Sometimes. Maybe.

Yeah, I do.

Hey. Grandpa?

Can I ask you
a question?

Sure thing.

What was my dad like?

Well, what does your mom
tell you about him?

Nothing.

She says that he disappeared
on a business trip

when I was a baby

and that I'm too young
to know the rest.

Yeah, well, your mom's got
good reasons why she doesn't
wanna talk about him.

But can I ask you this?

Have you ever wondered

why you keep looking
for lost animals?

Because...
Because why?

I don't know.

Because you're a Ventura!

A Ventura.

Now, although it
took a long time

for our ancestors
to develop a kinship
with the animal world,

eventually,
we won them over,
even the carnivores.

Down through history,
the Ventura line continued.

Including Charles
Ventura Darwin.

You know who
he was, don't you?

He was the
evolution guy, right?

Survival of the least

loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser-est.

Did you know a Ventura
would never harm an animal?

One of your ancestors,
the great Antarctic explorer,

Sir Ernest
Ventura Shackleton,

although he and his crew
were starving to death,

they would not eat
a penguin.

Jacques Ventura Cousteau

who invented the scuba suit

so that finally man
could commune
with his watery brethren.

Fit like a glove.

So, you see, Ace Jr.,

the Ventura line has a long
and storied career

of animal advocacy

communion, and search
and rescue.

Well, was my dad like
the other Venturas?

I've probably said
too much already.

But your mom
was in trouble,

and I thought
you needed to know.

So, what you're saying is

is that I should go out
and try to find Ting Tang?

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying.

Saying what?

Your Y chromosome has
the Ventura mutation.

You're one of us.

Come on, Sparky.

Um, Grandpa?
I'm pretty sure he's dead.

He's not dead.

He's sleeping.
Come on.

You hear what he said?
My goodness.

My goodness.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, if I say over the wall,
it's over the wall.

Don't be a maverick.
Let's go.

(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)

Jeez, I didn't know
the lunch lady
had a night job.

RUSSELL: Russell Hollander,
NBFW CSI: Orlando.

I like the way that sounds.

I left no stone unturned,
no clue undiscovered.

Case closed,
Melissa Ventura.

You are guilty.

That guy is one big-time
sick monkey, my friend.

(GROWLS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Case number 349A49320452.

Alpha Beta Delta Airlines.

Missing panda cub.

Answers to Ting Tang.

Or if you speak Panda.

(GROWLING)

On loan from
national government.

Country... China.

Crime scene shows
no sign of disturbance.

As expected, my mom's
shoeprints are everywhere.

And the only other prints
are panda...

Or are they?

Holy roly poly!

I knew it.

(ROARS)

Uh-oh.

Hey! Look, Pong Ping,
I'm a family friend.

I knew your uncle
when he was here,
Chan Chin, or...

Bing Bang, or...

Hong Kong?

Wang Chung?

You miss your cub?

Yeah, I miss my mom, too.

But I found some really
important clues
while I was here.

I'm not the world's
greatest...

...pet sleuth?

Finder?

Investigator?
I don't know.

But I'll try.

I promise.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Warning! Warning!

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

Hey, kid!
Are you Arnold Plushinski?

Yeah,
but call me A-Plus.

Argh!
You're dead, Plushinski!

I mean it!
Move!

Uh-oh.
That can't be good.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Proximity alert.
Proximity alert.

(SCREAMS)
Give up the gummies,
Plushinski,

and the horror will end!

Never!

Excuse me! Yes.

Move!

(SCREAMS)

Move it!
Out of the way!

Where is he?

Can't hide the gummies
forever, Plushinski!

Where'd he go?

(BELL RINGS)

Hello?

A-Plus?

ARNOLD: Why are you
talking to me?

Who just said that?

ARNOLD: No one ever talks
to me, except bullies.

You're not gonna
beat me up, are you?

No.

I need your help.

Oh! In here.

(GASPS)

What the...

Awesome!

(WHISPERS)
Awesome.

(RATTLING)

(EXHALES)

Holy cellar dweller,
Batman!

This place is...
How did you build this?

This whole place
was forgotten about
during a renovation

but I found a way in.

Made my lab.

I can't believe
I have a friend

and I didn't even have
to grow him in a petri dish.

Oh, my God, those
are giant gummy worms.

Hey! (STUTTERS)

That's a bully-tracking
device.

Eh?
They transmit to my GPS here.

A bully eats
a harmless-looking candy

and it gets into
his digestive tract.

I can track him
for up to 18 hours.

12, if he eats chili.

So, how can
I help you...friend?

Um...

I have some measurements
that I need analyzed.

ACE: (OVER RECORDER)
These prints are one point
five millimeters deep

as differentiated from these,
which are two point three
millimeters

and these,
which are five millimeters.

Fascinating, Captain.

These measurements
clearly indicate

prints made by three
very different organisms

weighing approximately
125 pounds,

183.253 pounds

and 390 pounds,
respectively.

So, anything else?

How long would it take
for you to hack into
a website called

www.pandafanatic.com?

We're in like Tolkien.

Here's a picture of the guy
who runs the site.

His e-mail address is
m.sickinger@
penningtoncorp.net.

Pennington Corporation.

That's Pennington, Jr.'s
father's company.

Oh, he's so cool.

Isn't that the kid who rides
to school in the limousine
every day?

Yes. And he's
extraordinarily popular.

Of all the tables
in the cafeteria,

his is the furthest
away from mine.

(LAUGHING)

Do you mind if
I keep one of these?

Of course.
Okay.

I'll just, um,
be on my way.

I'll be on my way.
I will talk to you later.

Really?

And you won't even pretend
like I'm not there
or give me a swirly?

No, no!

Awesome!

(WHIMPERING)

ACE: Grandpa,
I'm pretty sure he's dead.

No! He's just a good actor.

Dead dogs don't get dinner!

All right.

Hard day at the office?

It's just that I found
all these clues
to help Mom's case,

but... to do that, I had to
break my promise to her.

So, you're working
on a case?

Yeah.

You know what they
call those working on cases,
don't you?

Yeah. Cops.

Face it, Grandpa, I'm just
a kid who lied to his mom.

I don't know what to do.

Well, you can start by
being who you are.

Who you were born to be.

Now, lying to your mom
is one thing,

but lying to yourself,
Ace Jr.,

son, that leads to a life
of disappointment.

That's not normal.

I will be normal.

Ha!

Hi, this is Pennington Jr.,
with a very special
message just for you.

You're invited
to my birthday party.
Lucky you.

Yes, I'm invited,
I'm invited, I'm invited.

I'm invited!

ALL: Whoo!

(SCATTING) Press.

Perez Ventura, I'm here to
interview Pennington Jr.

(GRUNTS)

No, not on the list.

List? What list?
I don't care
about no stinking list!

I'm with
The Daily Rumor Mill.

School paper?

Familiar with
freedom of the press?

It's in something called
the Constitution
of the United States.

You should read it
sometime.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't tase me, bro.

First amendment violation!

Put me down!
Let him through.

Put him down, boys.

Now that's
admissible evidence.

I haven't been
humiliated like this

since they started making us
shower after P.E.

(GRUNTS)

We're on a tight schedule.
You got three minutes.

(CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh!

Is that a forest up there?

Man, you gotta clip
those nose hairs.

You could make
a teddy bear out of that.

Wow!

Clean up Bigfoot here
real nice.

We Penningtons
pride ourselves

on our good relations
with the press

but the invitations have
already been recorded.

There's really
nothing I can do.

Waiter, lunch.
Please, take this pass.

It will get you into
the school gymnasium
on the day of the party

where we'll be webcasting
the whole thing.

It'll make headlines.

Oh, that's terrific, sport.

Here's a few for you.

"Billionaire Boy In
Liposuction Incident."

Or, "I Had Pennington Jr.'s
Alien Love Baby."

I'm great with Photoshop.

You're threatening to invade
my privacy and blackmail me
unless I give you information.

I'm paparazzi.
It's what I do.

But I will
get off your back

if you tell me
about this guy.

Dr. Michael Sickinger.

A brilliant scientist
who worked for our animal
genetics laboratory.

It's one of the finest.

Indubitably.

Unfortunately,
he's quite insane.

Incontinently.

He harbors a bizarre
hatred for panda bears.

Incomprehensibly.

Does he still work
for your father?

Oh, no. We fired him
just a few weeks ago.

I believe he's now
the Chief of Non-Telegenic
Species Research

at the Dinosaur
Fossil Foundation.

What?

I don't know what
it means either.

You'll have to
ask him yourself.

Oh, I will.

(CAMERA CLICKING RAPIDLY)

Bye-bye, then.

Every shot I take,
a Picasso.

(SIGHS)

No touching the camera!

Where is my rabbit, loser?

Nice to see you, too, Tara.

You were supposed
to find Breezy a week ago.

You owe us for
the extra therapy session.

I can't comment on
an ongoing investigation.

Ah! Holy magenta, you guys
look like a box of crayons!

Uh-oh!

Why do you guys
always travel in a flock?

Ladies,
is this really necessary?

Can't we just talk this
over like civilized adults?

You can IM me
and I'll text you back!

You said I had
72 hours!

You've had eight days.

Two kinds of people, people.

People that pee in the pool
and people who lie about it!

Find Mr. Chompers
or you go
swimming again tomorrow.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

(MOCKING GIRLS)

What?

Get to class, Ventura!

(MOCKING TEACHER)

I gotta break into
Dr. Sickinger's office

at the museum so you can
upload his hard drive.

Oh, I can only
do that in my lab.

Would you
get out of there?

Come on,
the coast is clear!

Sounds like a three-man job.

Hey, why are you all...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

With the wet, okay?

About the
three-man job...

I know someone.

But it's gonna take
all my power of persuasion

to convince this
beautiful animal lover

to commit
a level-five felony.

Please help me break into
the Dinosaur Fossil
Foundation

so we can stop the guy
who stole Ting Tang

and save my mom
before she's sent to prison!

(GASPS)

Um, okay.

Really?

Yeah.

Are those from
my mom's garden?

Nah.
(OXNARD BARKS)

Shut up.

Right this way, folks.
Stick together.

Okay.

You are all in for
a very special treat.

The rarest, most complete
Tyrannosaurus skeleton
in existence.

It has an estimated
value of $100 million.

A-ha.

Do not touch it.

$100 million?

You want your koi fish back,
you're hot... or not.

Don't worry,
this plan is gravy.

Everybody, stay close.
We're on a tight schedule.

Come on, T-Rex, cool.

I'm sorry, sir.
No pets allowed.

He's my Seeing Eye dog.

He's facing backwards.

And you're not blind.

I can see again!
I can see!

It's a miracle!
It's a miracle!

Sir...

I mean it, you...
Fine.
I'll take him off.

I'm so sorry
about all this.

(BARKS)

Uh-uh! Make him
stop doing that!

He's a dog,
it's a bone.

Do the math.

Oh, jeez.

Oxnard Hueneme Carpentaria
Ventura, you get back here
right now!

Sir, that is a priceless
skeleton unearthed
in the Badlands of...

Oh, puh-lease! This thing's
lasted millions of years.

It's going to survive
a little doggy love nibble.

(CREAKING)

Maybe not.

Oh, my!
(PEOPLE GASPING)

Okay, okay.

I told you it would work.

Now go, I'll meet you in
the Dinosaur Cavern, go.

(GASPING)
(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Security!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Come on. let's go!

(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)

(ANIMALS SCREECHING
AND HOOTING)

(DIALING)

A-Plus, are you there?
ARNOLD: Affirmative.

Oh, this is so cool.

Now I have two friends!

Let's start a band.
Do you play an instrument?

I used to play the bagpipes,

but my legs are too skinny
for a kilt.

Come on! I'm in
the office and it's
really freaky in here.

Tell me what to do.

Oh!

GUARD:
Don't let him get away!

Huh!
(GUARD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Argh!

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Ha!

Okay. Your program's running.

ARNOLD: One other thing.

What?

In my Instant Messenger,

can I move you from
"Contacts" to "Buddies"?

No.

Can I put you on
my Fave Five?

No.
MySpace add?

Denied!

But we're friends now,
right?

Sure, A-Plus.
We're friends.

And you're a girl, right?

Duh.

So I can call you
my girlfriend, right?

Ew! Not!

Fine, be that way.

GUARD: There he goes,
there he goes!

Get out of my way,
get out of my way!
No, I'm going first!

(GROANING)

Okay, it's finished.

GUARD: He's over there!

Beep, beep!

Copy that.

Come here!

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

Jeez, with the sneaking
up on me, okay?

Mission accomplished.

Where's Ox?

Well, I don't know,
he's a lone wolf.

You're putting
that bone back.

Fine, I will.

GUARD: All right,
he's in the tunnel!

Give me a flashlight!

Let's go this way!

(GUARDS GRUNTING)

GUARD 1:
Stay where you are!
GUARD 2: Come on!

GUARD 3: Fan out.

Do you Heely?

* I got a girlfriend

* Only she don't
know it yet

Shall we?
Let's do.

* Get up! Get up!
Let the good times roll

Fun time's over.

(GRUNTS) Huh?

* Feel like everyone else
just needs to see through
different eyes

* From the outside
looking in we shout
the anthem of our lives

* And just like
everyone else

* I feel the pain
each time I try

Go!

* But I'll fight
the bitter end *

Hey, that's my girl!

Ha, got you!

(GROANS)

Ha-ha! Got you!

(WHISTLES)
(GUARDS GROANING)

ACE: Vamonos!

LAURA: You're not gonna let
him keep that, are you?

I'll put it back later.

Hey! Good job, Ox.

Where are the kids?

Where did they go?

Which way?

What?

Bunch of idiots!

Oh, man!

Her financial situation
is dire, and,
as the bears' keeper

she has ready access to
the panda house at any time.

The agency's skilled
forensics team
has concluded

that the only
fresh footprints
at the crime scene

belong to Mrs. Ventura.

I object!

JUDGE: Excuse me.

Who are you?

Ace Ventura
Darrow Hutz Junior, Esquire,

of the following law firms,
one minute.

"Dewey, Fleeceum and Grab,
Wiley, Little and Weasel,

"Shakem, Down and Hard,
Cheap, Ambulance and Chaser,
Imontha, Take and Lovitt...

"Ben, Dover and Grunt"

and the non-profit
Mater Innocentus.
My mom is innocent.

Your Honor,
I represent the defendant.

Your Honor,
this is ridiculous.

He's a 12-year-old
behavioral case
and the defendant's son.

He can't...
JUDGE: This is a bail hearing.

Character is pertinent.

Continue, young man.

Ow, that must've
hurt and it's only
gonna get worse.

Pay attention.

Thank you,
paralegal Laura.

You're very welcome.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)
(ALL GASP)

(ACE FLATULATES)
Come on, Your Honor!

Pardon me, Your Honor.
My bad.

(ALL MURMURING)

ACE: Thank you,
pretty paralegal Laura.

LAURA: You're very welcome,
Mr. Esquire.

Come on, boys.

Drop it. (GROANS)

Okay. I'm good, I'm good.

The only footprints
that Agent Hollander
and his personal CSI,

Complete Stupid Idiots,
found at the scene were...

(PANTS) Okay.

Okay, a little help.
It's getting really heavy.
bailiffs, please!

(GASPS)

And let me remind you,
you're under oath, mister!

Actually, I'm not.
I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth!

Be seated, you maggot,
immediately if not sooner!

(PANTS)

(BARKS)

Anyway,

the only footprints
that Ranger Blockhead

found in the habitat

besides my mom's shoeprints,
were panda prints.

The average panda
weighs 352 lb,

with a body mass index
of 21.34.

At over five feet in length,

the panda has slightly
offset weight distribution.

They use a thumb-like,
modified sesamoid bone
for stability

and they would create
a five-millimeter
deep footprint.

But, as you can see,
these are 2.3-millimeter
deep footprints

that I just created
by adding 75 lb to my weight.

A man weighing 183 lb
would indeed establish

a print depth
of 2.3 millimeters.

We are looking
for a 183-lb man,

not a...
Mom, how much do you weigh?

110.
You wanna be free or not?

Uh, 135.

135-pound woman.

If the footprints don't fit,
you must acquit.

(APPLAUDING)

(JUDGE BANGS GAVEL)
JUDGE: Order!

Order.
Thank you, thank you!

That's Ventura with a "V"
as in victory.

I plead for acquittal,
Your Honor.

Game, set, match!

Cut, print,
moving on and scene!

Let me get this straight.

You trespassed
on a federal crime scene.

Or...

you're just making
all this up.

Um, well...

Mmm.
...it's a hypothesis.

A theory, if you will.

Well, that's terrific, tiger.

But, listen, right now,

the grown-ups have to send
your mommy to jail.

Unless, uh, someone else
wants to put on

a Halloween costume
and vandalize the courtroom.

(ALL LAUGH)

(JUDGE BANGS GAVEL)
Order.

I'm sorry, young man.
It's an interesting theory.

But this case involves
an endangered species,

international relations.

Bail is set at $500,000.

Oh!

Melissa Ventura, you're
remanded to the custody
of the state of Florida.

(JUDGE BANGS GAVEL)
(SQUEALS)

MELISSA: Ace,

where did you get
all that information?

You promised
that you wouldn't.
Yeah, but Grandpa said

that he...
He carries around
a dead dog, Ace.

It's not dead,
it's just sleeping.

I thought I could
help you solve the case

by finding Ting Tang
or something,

but no one believes me,
not even you.

Of course I do.

I just don't want to
lose you.

Like you lost dad.

Yeah, like I lost dad.

I realize now
that no matter what I say,

you're gonna be who you are.

I want you to know
the truth about your dad.

I just didn't talk about him
or what he did because I...

I didn't want you to follow
in his footsteps.

Well, what happened to him?

(SIGHS)

He was on a case.

Using an ultra-light plane,
he was leading

a flock of disabled
Canadian Snow Geese
back to their

winter breeding ground
in Miami.

(SOBS) They said
that he got disoriented

and he vanished from radar
somewhere over
the Bermuda Triangle.

Oh, Ace.

Time is up.
Gotta get you on the bus.
Oh, oh, ah...

I've been saving
something for you.

Your father bought this.

He wanted you to have it
when you were old enough

and now you are.

Look up in the attic.
You'll find it there.

No, Mom, I promise,
I'll be normal.

Be who you are, Ace!

No, Hollander'll find
the real panda-napper

and we'll be
a real family again.

I love you, Ace!

I love you, Mom.

Ace, I'm so sorry.

So, what do we do now?

Nothing. I'm a loser.

It's over.

Sorry about your koi fish.

Come on, Ox.
(OX SQUEALS)

Hey, Laura,
where the heck is Bermuda?

I have no idea.

That's not what I think
it is, is it?

I guess.

Your mom gave that to you?

Yeah, but it's not important.

What about the animals?

Animals have never brought me
anything but trouble.

I gotta be like
everyone else, Grandpa.

You can't.

Well, I will if it kills me.

You'll never be
like everyone else

'cause you're
one in a million.

Just like your ancestors.

Just like your father.

Eat your own food, Ox.

I've been trying to get you
to figure this out,

but I guess
I'm just gonna have to
come out and say it.

Say what?

The magic word.

Don't you know
what you are?

I'm... I'm a kid, right?

You're more than that.

You're a pet...

...detective.

Like my dad?

Yeah.

Well, what was he like?

Just like you.

And you know...

...this thing
you threw away?

This is the key
to your future.

(SWITCH CLICKS)

(GASPS)

All righty, then.

(RAP SONG PLAYING)

(TARZAN YELLS)

* Trix are for kids
and men are for tricks

* Ace, he's
the number one pet

* Dick, no need
for a fireman

* When your cat's up a tree

* He's the one
that you hire, man

* Down with the ladies
as a lover

* Undercover

* Yo, tell 'em
where he's at, my brothers

* Yo, Ace is in the house

* Yo, Ace is in the house

* Yo, tell 'em
where Ace is at

* Yo, Ace is in the house

Nice outfit.

(GIRLS GIGGLE)
Let's talk fashion.

Tara's wearing
the latest in the "Spoiled
and shallow" collection.

Love the shoes. Hate you!

Ventura, our therapist
said for us to order you

to stop inflicting
emotional damage on us.

Franken Berry called.

Count Chocula wants
his wardrobe back

and the sun's out,
get back in your caskets.

Is there a veterinarian
in the house?

Because these are
some sick puppies. Ahhh!

Hey, watch the hair!

Oxnard, I need you!

(BARKS)

(GROWLS)

(PANTING)

(SIGHS)

Time for another
motivational dunking, dork!

No, but
you don't underst...
(OX GROWLS)

(BARKING)

Jeez, next time
you're late like that,
I'm buying a cat.

(ALL SCREAMING)
(BARKING CONTINUES)

Tell your dog
to back off, Ventura.

Are you crazy?
I'm not going near him!

He looks rabid

and he can smell your fear.

(GIRLS SCREAM)
You are...

Spartan!
(OX BARKING)

What about our alligator?

I told you I'd find him
and I will.

But right now
I've got bigger fish to fry.

Oxnard!
(OX BARKS)

Allons-y,

muchacho!

Oh, and sorry about that
whole buying a cat thing.

Ace?

Ventura

Junior...

...Pet Detective.

Um, okay.

What's wrong?

The question, young Laura,
is what is right.

The answer...

Everything.

So, you feel like
solving that case?

Thought you gave up?

Even Tiger Woods shanks one
from time to time.

But the past is past.

Now, A Plus?

Wow! This table is great.

I looked through Sickinger's
hard drive.

He's a biological researcher
specializing in...
Hmm.

...non-telegenic,
endangered organisms.
GIRL: Hey!

In English, Mr. Spock.

He advocates
for ugly animals.

He planned a demonstration
for like-minded activists

at a publicity stop
for a famous feline.

Okay, I didn't understand
a word you just said

except for "ugly animals"
and "Sickinger."

He's organizing a protest
at Tabby the tabby's
autograph session

at the Animals Actors Studio
at Universal, Orlando.

Oh.

Well, it looks like
we're going on a field trip.

L'chaim!

I'll take a few of these
for the road.

Two percent next time.
A field trip?

Wait, do I need
a permission slip?
ACE: No, you don't!

WOMAN:
Have a meow-tastic day.
(CAMERAS CLICKING)

Thanks for coming.

Tabby says,
"Have a meow-tastic day."

Thanks for coming.

Tabby says,
"Have a meow-tastic day!"
Thanks for coming.

Tabby says,
"Have a meow-tastic day!"

Thanks for coming.

Tabby says,
"Have a meow-tastic day!"

There's Sickinger!

Tabby says,
"Have a meow-tastic day!"

No justice, no peace!

Equal treatment
for ugly species!

No justice, no peace!

Equal treatment
for ugly species!

Take him down!
He's an eco-terrorist!

(CROWD GASP)
OFFICER: Cease
and desist immediately

or I'll be forced
to use this!

Don't even
think about moving!

Slow down! Just stop!

(ALARM BLARES)
Ah!

SICKINGER: Tase me!
Don't tase me, bro!

OFFICER: Get him!
No justice, no peace!

No justice, no...

(SICKINGER CHOKES)

We shall not be silenced!

Be quiet!

Ugly animals
of the world, unite!

You have nothing to lose.

This guy is crazy.
But your leashes!

We shall not be silenced!

(ELECTROSHOCK WEAPON ZAPS)
Ouch!

WOMAN: Ahhh!
Tabby is gone!

Find Tabby! Tabby's gone!

Yikes! Tabby's been nabbied.

Tabby! Tabby!
This is bigger than I thought.

Tabby!
Sickinger must be running

some sort of criminal
animal-napping network.

Oh, the humanity!

Tabby! Tabby! Where is Tabby?
I know you don't want to, Ace,

but you better talk
to Hollander.

WOMEN: Tabby's gone.
Now he'll listen to you.

You're not listening!
I'm sorry, what? (CHUCKLES)

Dr. Sickinger. We saw him.

He was creating a distraction
at the Animal Actor's stadium,
when Tabby the tabby vanished!

This is a major
criminal network.

We have evidence.

Tabby the tabby.
Catnapped.

Ting Tang.
Well, you know
what happened to him.

Princess.
Championship
West Highland terrier.

Her Majesty was stolen from
a meaningless, self-important

international dog show
last week!
Freedom the hawk.

Mascot for
the Stars and Stripes
Burger Company.

His freedom was taken away
when he was stolen from

the Jacksonville
veterinarian last month!

They even took Snuggles,
the fabric softening bear.

They took Snuggles?

Yes!
And?

Sickinger's organization
is stealing famous animals!

Yeah.

Jeez! You're welcome
for solving the case,
doing your job!

Need me to wipe
your butt for you?

I just did!

So, when can I get
my mom back?

Ten, 20 years, I'd say.
What?

You see, doorstop,
a major investigation

like this takes on
a life all of its own.

I think your mom's guilty

and I spent all morning
on CNN saying she is.

Her case is putting
this agency on the map.

I mean, look at all
the stuff they gave us.

And that's just the beginning.
Get this.

"CSI: Fish and Wildlife."

Guess who's gonna play me?

Gumby.
(GROWLS)

I didn't want it to
have to come to this, Russell.

But now it's on.
Uh-huh.

Ha!
Ha!

Out.
(MUMBLES) With the pushing!

I am gonna get Sickinger,
solve this case,

prove my mom's innocent

and show the world
what an idiot you are!

Uh-huh. Nice hair.
(ALL LAUGHING)

TOUR GUIDE: This used to be
the most pristine

Tyrannosaurus skeleton
on Earth.

Formerly valued
at $100 million.

ACE: (CLEARS THROAT)
How much is it worth now?

(SIGHS)
Substantially less.

Please

do not

touch it.

Let's move very carefully
to the gift shop.

I don't think
it looks that bad.

Here, you put it back.

You put it back.

SICKINGER: Yes?
Dr. Sickinger...

(GRUNTS)
...I presume.

(STAMMERS) Wait!

Uh... Uh... Who are you?

Ace Ventura, Jr.

Pet Detective.

(LAUGHS, SNORTS)
You're kidding me, right?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

(LAUGHS) I get it!

Young supporters
of the cause, yes!

Oh, it's brilliant! Yes, yes.

You're never too young
for political mobilization,
huh? Huh?

We don't want to
join your movement.

Look, buddy, my mom's
in jail because of you.

Oh.
So tell us
where the panda is,

so we can get him
back to the zoo.

If I were going to steal
an animal from the zoo...

...the panda
is the last one I'd take.

I don't think you understand.

(GUITAR PLAYS)

SICKINGER: This is
the Madagascan aye-aye.

Ugh.

The Proboscis monkey.

Ah! Big nose.
Ugh.

SICKINGER: (CHUCKLES)
The Chinese Paddlefish.

Oh.
Ugh.

The Marabou Stork.

(SQUAWKING)

Yeah, all of them endangered.

Yet, no one's
ever heard of them.

You know why?

No.

They're hideous.

Ugly.

Butt-ugly, actually.
You got it there.

Ugh! Ugh!
Whoops! (CHUCKLES)

(CHOKES)
Sorry, that one's
from vacation.

Ugh!
Ace, shoot me now.

Lights, lights.

And this has what to do
with the panda?

Well, everything!

We put all of these
"cute" creatures in zoos

and then we spend
insane amounts of money
to protect them.

And for what? Huh?

(GAGGING)

I started the Pandafanatic
website to, uh...
Ugh!

To get attention for my cause.

That's all.

I didn't kidnap Ting Tang.

Or any of those other animals.

All species of animals,
including the ugly ones

should be treated
with the same respect
as the cute ones,

like pandas.

I think I just busted
this case wide open.

Amigos...

(PLAYS GUITAR)
...vamonos!

I... I have a car.

Ace! So, what's going on?

Well, here's the plot
up until now...

Our perpetrator
is stealing famous animals

and there's none
more famous than Calypso!

He played the hero Unicorn

in the epic trilogy
that they shot in New Zealand.

His owners are doing a benefit
magic performance today

and I got a feeling
our thief is gonna try
and steal him there!

Punch it!

Here's the plan. Doc,
you watch the exits. Ox...

(OX GROWLS)

...you watch Doc. Let's go.

Hi. (GRUNTS)

ACE: Okay,
when we get past this,

A Plus, Laura, split up.

Whoever finds Calypso,
call in.

We'll stake out
the perpetrators

and wait for them
to reveal themselves.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER)

I've been looking
around here all day.

I... I can't find Calypso.
(HORSE NEIGHS IN DISTANCE)

He's right over there.

For my next illusion...
A PLUS: Oh!

Magic show.
I need a volunteer!

ALL: Me!

A volunteer, anyone!

ACE: Me! Pick me!
Who wants to be in the show?

ACE: Me.

You. How about you?
No, not her, not her!

No, no, no, me!
(CHUCKLES)

Hey, wanna-be magic man,
right here.
Anyone else?

No, me. Me.
Sure, son.

Okay, go inspect the box.

You'll see that
there are no mirrors.

There are no strings.
(HORSE SNORTS)

There are no trap doors.

This is not an illusion.
What's he doing?

I don't know.

Ace Irwin Ventura, Jr

at your service.
As real as it gets.

Don't worry, you'll be okay.
This is what I do.

Are there any back doors?

There are no back doors!

Are there any mirrors?
No mirrors!

All right, go on.

ACE: Stranger danger!
Thank you.
Give him a big hand!

Raise the box.

You won't believe
what you're about to see.
Everyone, remain calm.

One, two, three!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

And now...

Close the box.

Raise the box, gentlemen,
raise the box.

I'm a professional,
so nobody try this at home.

And now...

Calypso!

(BOX DOOR BANGS)
(ALL GASP)

What the...

MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT:
What happened?
HORSE OWNER: Where's my horse?

Where's Calypso?

That horse gets
$6 million a picture.
Where's Calypso?

Houdini, I want him back now.
That kid...
That kid right there.

The volunteer.
He must know something.

ACE: What, me? No, no, no.

Where would I be keeping
a horse that big,
in my pocket?

Where's Calypso?

I don't know!
Why don't you check

your mother's house?
No, no, he's just joking.

Come on!
HORSE OWNER:
Kid's got my horse.

Just get him!

HORSE OWNER: Hey... Hey, kid!
What are you doing?

MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT: Stop!
ACE: Slow down, Simba!

LAURA: Ace, Calypso's
really gone?

ACE: Yeah, my plan worked!
A PLUS: What plan?

ACE: I fed him
one of your homing devices.

Strawberry gummi, he loved it.

Now he's gonna lead us
to whoever's behind
all this treachery.

Get him!
Stop!

ACE: Doc!
Sickinger, start the car!

I think they have rabies!

Don't let them get out...
(GROANS)

Here. Dog. Car, car.

(GROANS)

(OX BARKS)
Seatbelts!

ACE: Seatbelts? What, are you
kidding me? Let's go!

SICKINGER: Okay, here we go!

Where's my horse?

They're getting off
the highway at Palm Grove.

That's where the rich kids
from our school live.

But where exactly?

My invitation!

(MIMICKING LAURA)
My invitation.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
You're invited
to my birthday party

this Saturday

at 3421 Tropicana Avenue.

Okay, party people.

Suit up!

Party. I haven't
partied since '99.

ACE: Ox, vamonos!
(BARKS)

SICKINGER: Here. Left?
A PLUS: No, wait!
No, up there.

A PLUS: No, wait!
Wait, stop, stop!
Stop right here!

Stop?
No, no.

Stop?
Stop! Stop here!

I'm stopping, backseat driver!

All right, Laura and I
are going inside.

If we're not back
by 3:00,

implement...

...Plan B.

Synchronize watches. Let's go.

ACE: A red carpet?
What is this, an awards show?

Where's Joan Rivers
when you need her?

Hey, you, make sure
no weirdos get in here.

Talk about
filthy stinking rich.

You guys in line,
where's the back of the line?

Do you know where
the back of the line is?

Hey, how's the wife and kids?

What's the word
I'm looking for, Laura?

It's very regal.
Uh, Exactly.

Egomaniacal.
MAN: The iPod, please.

Thank you.
Holy Shaq!

How many puberties
have you gone through?

(BEEPS)

All right.
Thank you.

Wear the wristband
at all times.

Whoa. Invite only, kid.
He's my date.

What, did you lose a bet?

(LAUGHS) You're
killing me, Smalls.

How about you pick on
somebody your own size?

Like Sasquatch.

Now band me.

Gray areas are off limits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(ALARM BLARING)

Electronic device.
Here.

Don't touchy the hair.

I haven't been
treated this badly

since I got sick in a country
with socialized medicine.

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

Ten thousand shares
of Exxon stock!

Awesome!

I got a Rolex.

Didn't you bring him a gift?
Yeah, I got him the one
thing he doesn't have.

What?
Nothing.

Holy real estate!

You know, this place
probably has its own ZIP code?

I bet you we're gonna
need an exit visa
to get out of here.

Shh!
KID: Best party ever!

Bananas!

(THUDS)
WAITRESS: No!

MAN: Get out of
the way, please.
Make room for Mr. Pennington.

Ooh, it's Mr. Big
Scary Billionaire Man.
MAN: Get out of the way.

Pirates of the Caribbean

is the other side
of town, sport.

Don't touch me.

MAN: Stay back, people.
Thank you.

Out of the way, please.
He was mean.

MAN: Get back there, please.

Young ladies and gentlemen...

...may I direct your attention

to the sky!

The Pennington Estate
now proudly presents

the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Put your hands together
and welcome my son,

Pennington, Jr.!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Wow!
Big deal.

PENNINGTON, JR.:
Hi, how are you?
Great to see you.

Thanks for coming.

How are we gonna get inside?

Oh, I know.

Let's crash into the back door

in our million dollar
personal helicopter.

Ace.

I'm working on it.

Oh! Hey, Laura,
glad you could make it.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Hi, how are you?

Well, I asked my father
for the best party ever

and, as you can see,

what a Pennington wants,

a Pennington gets.
(CHUCKLES)

So, for the next four hours...
I got it.

...please, do not
embarrass yourselves...
Let's go.

...by breaking any
of the following rules.

Dad.

Gifts in the party bags
are not tax deductible.

Do not take any photos.

Anyone found to be outside
of the designated areas

will be prosecuted to
the fullest extent of the law.

Have fun, kids!

(APPLAUSE)

PENNINGTON, JR.:
We'll cut the cake
in 45 minutes.

Until then,
happy birthday to me!

Ace!

(GRUNTS) I'm thinking.

Down here.

Yeah.

ACE: Ow! Watch the hair!

(BOXES CLATTERING)

Will you stop spinning?
I'm dizzy.

Let's go.

Ooh, the tunnel of love.

In your dreams, Ace.

How did you know about that?

Oxnard. Big mouth!

I got it.

ACE: Follow me.

Who's the man?

They could have seen you!

Why do you keep doing that?

That's just how I roll, baby.

(SNIFFING)

If Scooby-Doo
has taught me anything,

it's that one of these books
will activate a secret door.

(CONTINUES SNIFFING)

Earthy, sweet,

a strong bouquet of bamboo
with a slight infusion
of crocus.

Just a touch of wild grass
and...butt!

I smell panda poop.

Excellent year.

(EXCLAIMS)

How did you know that?

I'm a meddling kid.

(SNIFFS, GASPS)

Dookie marks the spot.

Must be

Poo-mas. (CHUCKLES)
Or Jimmy Poo.

The Penningtons think
they're smart,

but they're actually
quite poo-pid.

(CHUCKLES)
We've caught
them brown-footed.

They really stepped in it.

Okay, Ace,
enough with this crap.

What... Oh... (GIGGLES)

You said "crap." You did.
Okay, fine, fine.

(PHONE RINGS)

MAN: National Bureau
of Fish and Wildlife,
how can I direct your call?

Oh, yes, um,
I have an anonymous tip
for Agent Hollander.

Is he currently on

doodie?

(WATCH BEEPS)

Uh, gum!
I need a piece of gum!

Here.

We received an anonymous
tip instructing us
to come to this address.

From whom?

Anonymous.

The tip said that the case
of the missing panda cub

has been solved!
(GROANS)

You're the one
who called in the tip?

That's it, Short Stack.

Now you're in big trouble.
No. He's in big trouble!

We found these shoes
in his closet!

It proves that my mom
didn't steal the panda.

I think I understand.

This cartoon

has taken advantage
of my son's hospitality.

He's found some cheap
costume store haberdashery,

snuck it in as a birthday gift
and planted it in my home

and now he expects you
to believe that I used
these ridiculous things...

in the commission
of a crime?
(CHUCKLES)

Yes!

Can you believe this guy?
I mean, he's pathetic!

I'm glad I'm not in his shoes!

No pun intended.
He's been trying
to save his mom with

all sorts of crazy theories.

Get rid of these.

He came by
the NBFW command center

just the other day.
National Bureau
of Fish and Wildlife?

Yeah.
I play golf
with your director.

You'll have to join us
for dinner next time
he's in Florida, Agent...

Hollander. Russell Hollander.
No.

That would be great.
So, how's the
panda investigation coming?

I read that there had been...
Hey, Hometown!

You're not here
to be interviewed!

Now arrest this guy
and let my mom out!

Uh, would you excuse me for
one second, Mr. Pennington?

Call me Pennington.

Don't you worry, Ventura.

I'm gonna make an arrest,
all right.

Two of them, in fact.
Because you're out of control!

Oh, you wanna see
out of control?
Let's go, right now! Ha!

Ha! I win, Bedhead.

Take these two in.

Ex-squeeze me?

(GRUNTS)

I'm gonna make sure
you're both locked up until
the panda case is completed.

We don't need
any more distractions.

(WATCH BEEPING)

Three o'clock!

What the hell is that?
(HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE)

Plan B.

SICKINGER: Sorry! Sorry!
(PANDA SQUEALING ON STEREO)

Ah, panda song.

Here we go.

Uh-oh. Hello!

Hello.
The sweet sound
of a mother panda

calling her young.

Hello! Uh-oh.

Oops! We're out of power!

The house is clean!

(PANDA CALLING)

Check around back!

Okay...

HOLLANDER: They're small.
Why'd you let them go?

They're little people!
ACE: Turn it up! Go!

Ting Tang will hear
his mom calling him!
Come on, you guys!

HOLLANDER: Catch up with them!

Let's go! Go!
Get the guy with the boombox!

(OX BARKS)

Stop!

ACE: Over there,
lead them over there!

(SICKINGER EXCLAIMS)

(PANDA CALLING STOPS)

Congratulations.

You found my horse stalls.

HOLLANDER: Sir, I apologize
for the misunderstanding.

Just get him off my property!

Silence! They're all here.

Come on, Half Pint,
I'm getting tired of this.
Ha!

Don't go near those doors!

(GASPS)

ACE: Princess!
(BARKS)

Tabby!
(MEOWS)

Otter! Piggy!

(PIGGY SNORTS)
(OTTER SQUEAKS)

Tortoise! Freedom the hawk!
Be free!

Possum!
(POSSUM SQUEALS)

(CHUCKLES)

(SQUEALING)
Ting Tang, I found you!
Touchdown!

Go to the haystack!
I'll be right back!

HOLLANDER: Oh, no, you don't.
(PENNINGTON CHUCKLES)

(HORSE SNORTS)

Come to me, my jungle friends!

(SQUEAKS)

(SQUEALS)

(MEOWS)
Whoo!

(YELLS)

Vamonos, amigos.

You had everything, sir.
Why did you do this?

I decided to start
an animal collection.

I wanted only
the most famous pieces.

Smooth ride for
stolen property, Pennington.

And what a Pennington wants...

...a Pennington gets.

Mr. Pennington, Sr., sir,

you're under arrest.

Chicka, chicka, chicka. Wack!

Yahtzee!

Oh, what's that on your tie?

(SNORTS)
I win.

Exit stage left.
Come on.

(QUACKS)
He's going to jail,
he's going to jail!

Ace, you're a really great
pet detective.

(CHUCKLES)

What can I say?

Like father, like son.

(GULPS) I'm good,
I'm good. Let's go.

LAURA: So, um, when are you
gonna find my koi fish?

I just solved a huge case!

I'm working on it.

Nothing to see here.

Just one of
your fellow classmates

taking down
a powerful billionaire

for stealing
celebrity animals.

Hey, I know where you're going
and my future license plate
is going to be

"A-C-E, JR."
Oh!

Where's he going?

Like father, like son.

Like father, like son!

Come on!

You guys want your pets
or not? Come on!

(KIDS YELLING)

GIRL: Let's go get our pets!

(SQUEAKS)
DANIELLA: Mr. Chompers!

You stole our pets?
(ACE GRUNTS)

I'm the pet detective here.

He stole your pets.

He wants to be
just like his dad.
(GRUNTS)

"He wants to be
just like his dad."

(CHUCKLES)
Cruel, shallow, and selfish.

You forgot filthy rich
and egomaniacal.

We're Penningtons.
We can have whatever we want!

Oh, you're quite a pair.

But this time
an Ace trumps a pair!
(CHUCKLES)

You did not just make
that lame joke.

Oh, I did, sir,
and you and your dad

are going to look great
in matching orange jumpsuits.

(LAUGHS)

You think you're
a good detective?

Solve this.
(MR. CHOMPERS ROARS)

The fish...

...is about to disappear.

(GASPS)
(ALL GASPING)

Greeny!
No!

Come on, I need help!

Open his mouth, I'm going in.

SICKINGER: No way! Ooh!
Five of you are
going on a mission.

Couple of you
probably aren't coming back.

(SCREAMS)

Ace, be careful!

ACE: What the... Mazel tov.

DANIELLA: Easy, Mr. Chompers.

That's where
my hair dryer went.

ACE: His mouth is closing!
People, his mouth is closing!

I think I got him! I got him!

SICKINGER: Careful!

Ew! I think I just squeezed
his liver, it's disgusting!

(ALL CHEER)
Greeny!

No!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GRANDPA: Way to go, Sparky!

Grandpa, what are you
doing here?

I'm taking ten minutes off
from retirement to help you
wrap up your first case.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Hey, Sparky, good going,
good, Sparky!

I told you,
I told you he was sleeping.

Who had the hamster?

And the snake,
and the turtle, and...

Thanks, Ace.
It's what I do.

Now, uh,

Laura, since I
solved your case...

...there was something
I kind of wanted to tell you.

What?

Um...

Well, it all kind of started

when I met you
in third grade
Don't be shy, Ace.

You like me.

You have a crush on me.

No.

I have a huge crush on you!

That's what I just said.

I'm good, I'm good now.

All right, let me just get
my sea legs. This way.

I am Ace Ventura, Jr.,
Pet Detective

and I declare
all of your cases

closed!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Ace! Ace! Ace! Ace!
Thank you!

GRANDPA: Ace Jr...

...you the man!

Actually, you know what,
Grandpa? You're right!

I am the man!

Whoo!

Get over here, Laura.

Whoo!

(TING TANG SQUEALING)

(APPLAUSE)

MEN: Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) I am so
proud of you, Ace.
MONKEY: Ventura!

Thank you, honey.
I love you, too, Mom.

All righty, then!