All language subtitles for Mad About You - S03E16 - The Alan Brady Show

What?
I just really,
really love you.

Well, I really, really,
really love you.

Why must everything be
a competition with you?

* Tell me why
I love you like I do

* Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you

* Let's take each other's hand

* As we jump into
the final frontier

* I'm mad about you, baby

* Yeah!

How long does it take
to watch a 90-minute
documentary?

I would think about an hour
and a half tops, right?
I told ya.

It's okay. It's okay.
You know why?

'Cause it's him, and if you're
going to do a documentary
on the history of television,

who would you get?
Would you get somebody
like him? No, no, you get him.

I told ya.
Think he'll do it?

I mean, you worked
with him in the old days.
Is he gonna do it?

Yes, he'll do it.
He'll do it. He'll do it.
He'll do it.

I used to love this guy.
He's such a lovable legend.
You know, he's just...

(PHONE RINGING)
He's him.

MAN: I said pumpernickel.

I told ya.

So, I told your father,
"You're a big boy.
Go by yourself this year."

You know how these butcher
conventions are.
Yep.

Blah, blah, blah, sirloin,
blah, blah, blah, flank steak.

I mean after 34 years,
what's left to say
about meat?

That's what
you're wearing?
Yeah.

To your meeting?
Yeah.

Oh, no, it's lovely.

Anyway, Aunt Lolly and I
just had a ball at the matinee
today, didn't we?

Those dancers,
were they skinny.

Remember how skinny I was
when I used to dance?
That wasn't you.

Mama, I hate to keep you.
Shouldn't you
be getting back?

You know,
the Connecticut Turnpike?

What about it?
She wants you on it.

Okay. Good luck tonight
and, uh, don't forget
to comb your hair.

Okay.
Bye, bye, Aunt Lolly.

You know, that woman
is driving me nuts.
I know.

When she picked me up
this morning,
I was a brunette.

I got him.
JAMIE: Who?

Him.
JAMIE: You got Alan Brady?

I got Alan Brady.
Oh, congratulations.

Isn't that something?
So, what did he say?

He said, "I'll do it."
No, tell me his exact words.

All right. "I'll do it."
God.

I'm telling ya.
So, what is he like?

He's-- He's like him
but in color.

Really?

Yeah, well, we only had
10 seconds together,

but guess who he's
taking out to dinner tonight?
You and me.

I can't.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
What do you mean
you can't?

I have a meeting.
What meeting?

See?
I do too listen.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, the meeting.
Yes, you have the meeting,
the meeting.

I know,
with the guy
from uptown.

No, you're meeting him uptown.
This is the guy from--
from Vermont. Not originally.

This is the guy...
He's driving through Vermont
from Canada.

This is so sad.

Well, she gave me
the worst clues here.

Oh, I will have you know
that I was a charades champion

at camp Wankahana
three years running.

Good. Listen,
you got to come with me
on this.

I'm sorry.
Okay, what's this?

This is important.
Well, so is this.

Geese, see?
Yeah.

What's this?
You can go without me.

The Sting.
Okay.

He specifically said,
"Bring the wife."

"The wife?"
My wife.

You said, "The wife."

The my-wife, the my-wife.
I'm begging you.

"Bridge Over Trouble Water."
Yes.

JAMIE: Fine. I will be there
as soon as I can.
Thank you.

08:00, Antonios.
The reservation is
under his name.

I might be a little late.
All right.
But not like too late.

Okay.
All right. Thank you.

You gonna wear that?
Paul?

What? Two words. First word.
Sounds like duck.

Second word, yeah? Off.

He asked that you
wait at his table.

His table?
Yes.

This is his own table? Wow.
Uh-huh.

Dig me.
I'm at Alan Brady's table.

I have my own table.
This is my table.
Do you like my table?

It's my table.
It's mahogany.

What, what is this?
Mr. Brady,
how are you, sir?

What are you doing?
What?

What are you doing?
I was just sitting.

Where?
Right here.

Where?
At your table.

Where at my table?
Right here.

Where?
In the chair.

What chair?
This chair.

Whose chair?
Your chair.

A-ha.

Sit over there.
I was sitting in your chair.

I'm so sorry.
I would think so.

And oh, my, my wife may be
a little bit late.

Who?
My wife.

Late for what?
For dinner.

You're bringing your wife?
Well, you told me,
"Bring your wife."

Well, sure, bring your wife.
Why don't you bring
your mother?

Got any kids?
No.

Oh, what a shame.
I was hoping to feed
a whole family.

Maurice, free eats
for everybody.

Really?
Shut up. Get out of here.

You got a cigar?
Cigar? No.

Give me a dollar.

It's a joke.
It's a joke.

Where you going to get
a cigar for a dollar now?

They don't know jokes.
They don't know jokes.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Hey. Get out of here.

What?
Get out of here.

I must have
made a mistake or something.
Well, no, no, no, no.

I already told him
you're here. Okay.
Just sit down.

Not there, not there.
What is the matter with you?

Him--Him's the matter
with me.

Who?
Who, Brady.

What about him?
He's so mean.

Mr. Brady, let me introduce...
This is my wife.
Mr. Brady.

Call me Alan.
I'm Jamie.

What are you doing
sitting there?
He told me to.

There's a draft there.
Take my chair.

Thank you.

Tell me, have we ever met
anywhere before?
No. I'm sure I would remember.

Oh, yes, yes, you would.
Well, anyway, what the heck.
We're here now.

Where's my napkin?

I edited his show
12 years. Do you know what
he gave me for Christmas?

What?
A pineapple.

What, you mean
like a fruit basket?
I mean a pineapple.

All right.
All right.
Why am I unhappy?

What do you mean,
you're not happy?

Sam, you worked with me
how many years?

Sid.
Exactly.

Tell him, am I happy?
He's a miserable
son-of-a-bitch.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, no, no, no.
Listen to him. He knows.

And why am I unhappy?
I'll tell you
why I'm unhappy.

I watched your film again
last night.

I watched it with my wife
and a watch.

You know what I found out?
I'll tell you what
I found out.

I'm in this for six minutes.

360 lousy seconds
in the whole
history of television,

is that what you think I am?

You talk now.
Okay.

It's-- it's not that at all.
It's just that, you know,
it's only a 90-minute film,

and there's so much great
footage out there. So, what
I was trying to do is,

you talk again now?

Where's the bowling pin
sketch? Where's the piano
player with the itch sketch?

Where's my singing
with Fabian?

Look, kid, you want me
to narrate this thing
or don't you?

Yes, yes. I am ecstatic.
I am ecstatic
that you're doing it.

HBO is ecstatic.
Sid is ecstatic.
Look at Sid.

All right. But look,
I got to tell you,
I worked a long time on this.

I really think that
the way it is, it's just...
It's perfect.

It stinks.
Let me finish.

Certain--Certain places still
need a little work.
It stinks.

None of it is good.
That's all I'm saying.

Always good to see you, Sam.
Say hello to Gladys.

It's Sid.
Say hello to Sid.

Call me, kid,
when you fix it.

He's just so mean.

Well, isn't this exotic?
I've always wanted to eat
uncooked food.

Mom, we can go
someplace else.

No. As long as I am
with my two girls,
I'm happy.

Well, any luck
on the job market?
No.

You know what you haven't
tried yet, Beanie?
Fish throwing.

Excuse me?

You know, when they want
to get a cod from the boat
to the dock.

Ma, I don't want
to throw fish.

Well, what do you
want to do?
I don't know.

Jamie, have you and Paul
thought any more
about having children?

Oh, that's such good news.
What is?

You tell me.
No, no, not yet.
We're...

Well, when?
I don't know.

Lisa, going out
with anybody lately?

Answer my prayers.
No, no, no.

I've been to busy
talking to Jamie

about how nice it would be
for them to move
to Connecticut.

You know,
I've always said...

I can't leave New York
with Lisa thinking
of joining a cult.

Again?

No, Mom, I won't,
I mean I wouldn't...

You know, Jamie, she...
Fish throwing, huh?

I know, I said I had
Alan Brady, but that was
when I had Alan Brady.

No, no, I'm not saying
I don't have Alan Brady.
I'm just saying...

Saying that, you know,
everything is great,

and we'll be there,
and we'll see you
at the big screening.

All right, then. Bye.

Ah, well, that's it.
We don't have Brady,
we have no deal.

There's got to
be somebody else.
Who do you know?

Do you know George Gobel?
Dead.

What about, what's his name,
Charley Weaver?
Dead.

Tina Louise?

I can't call her.

Look at him, he's so great.

He's just... Who am I kidding?
It's got to be him.
It's got to be him.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Wait a second. Wait a second.
Hold on. Go, go, go back.
Go back.

(REWINDING)

Right there.

You're wrong.
You're absolutely wrong.

Harry, if you don't
stop flirting, I'm going
home to mother. No,

I'm going to have Mother
move in with us.
How do you like that?

I do not flirt.
Well, hello there.

It's all in your head.
Harry, I'm at
the end of my rope.

I don't know what
you're talking about.
For you.

You're imagining these things,
I tell you.

Why are we watching this?
You'll see. Just a second.

Please, I spent the whole day
with my mother.

She kept talking and talking,
and she didn't say anything.

The whole time this little
noise in my head went eeek,
eeek,

the whole time all day,
eeek, eeek, eeek.

Just hang one second.

Madeline, you've got
to forgive me, please.
I beg you.

I love you. I worship you.

It's you and only you
for the rest of my life.

Oh, Harry.

It's cold out here.
You shouldn't be out
like that.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, that's my mom.
I told you.

Yes. Hi. Is Tennessee Ernie
Ford there, please.

Oh, I am sorry.
Well, my condolences.

Thank you. I don't believe
this. Everybody is either dead
or Alan Brady.

Okay, see? Right there.

Wow, are you sure that's Mom?
No. It's me.
I was very big in the '50s.

Well, how come
she never told us?
Because she's Mom.

She doesn't talk about stuff.
She just talks.

See, if I put his
bowling pin sketch in here,

then that puts Bonanza
next to What's My Line,

which moves Loretta Young
right in the middle
of the Watergate hearings.

There's got to be
somebody else.

Look, right there,
Pretty girl No. 3,
Terry Cooper.

Oh. Cool.

Cool?

Don't you see? This explains
why I'm so screwed up.
I'm a showbiz kid.

Sid, hi, Paul.
Okay, Mr. Green Jeans?
Ah, okay.

Where are you going?
To tell my shrink we're
gonna have to start all over.

This is so cool.

Do you believe this?

We find out our mother had
a whole life, and all she
thinks of is herself.

Yeah, unbelievable.
Hey, who played Little Ricky?

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who did you ignore
before you met me?

Mom, hi.
Hi, gang.

Well, hello.

I was just in the city.
So, I thought I'd bring you
some food.

Why were you in the city?
To bring you some food.

So, what's new?

Nothing.
Paul is just working
on his documentary

on the history
of television

with Alan Brady.

Oh, did I ever tell you
I was on his show?

No.
Really? Well, I was.

How old are these olives?
I don't remember.

You know the rule.
I can't believe
you never told me this.

I thought I did.
Was he like a big meany
back then, too?

He was him.
How many times were you on?

Oh, five if you count
the gorilla sketch.

So, so how would you
handle him?

The gorilla sketch?

This carrot is so bendy.
What else did you do?

Oh, this and that.

Okay. So I know
he was really nice
to Patti Page.

So, how could I be
more like Patti Page?

I'm rearranging your eggs.
This and what?

I mean like, if I stood up
to him, would that be a real,
real bad idea?

Will you excuse me, please?
I'm trying to have
a conversation with my mother.

So am I.
Well, I got here first.

Well, just talk about
Alan Brady, please.

Mom, talk to me, okay?
Sure.

Smell this milk.
Okay. My turn.

So, so how did you--
how did you--
how did you handle him?

Oh, beats me.

You were an actress?
No. I was pretty.
I had a lot of pep.

So they put me
in a couple of sketches.

So, so you had,
like, a whole life that
we don't know anything about.

See how I gave
that one for you.
No, no. It's no big deal.

I was young.
I needed a job,
and I had a connection.

To Alan Brady?
Uh-huh.

What connection?
He used to date
your Aunt Lolly.

Hey, barkie, another saki.

See, if I knew how
to handle this guy...
Did you ever tickle his ear?

I can't say that I have.
Well, it works.

So you knew him really well?
Oh, I knew them all
in those days.

All those funny boys
used to come up
and do the Catskills.

Aunt Lolly played the harp
in Grosssinger's Lobby.

Get out of here.
Oh, that Alan,
was he cute and young.

I liked them young.
Wow.

Wow nothing.
He was just like his act,

six minutes of great material
and no finish.

That's just
a little bit more
than I needed to know.

So, so what was he like?
He was a man.

In other words, what?

Well, we were a regular item,
then he'd get the itch
and start bird-dogging around.

So--So now what,
what did you do?

I gave what I got.

I'd samba with Sid Caesar

and go kayaking
with Fat Jack Leonard,

and the next thing you know,
he'd be crazy jealous

and come scratching at my door
like Churchill's Pekingese.

This is good to know.

Did you, did you ever go out
with Milton Berle?

It's true.

I don't know about this.

You want to change your film?
No.

Do you want him to narrate?
Yes.

Do you want to tickle his ear?
All right.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Sid?
He's in the elevator.

Did he see you?
I'm wearing a hat.

All right.
Well, here we go.

Bread him like a cutlet.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Okay. I'm here.
Show me the changes.
You, I like.

Honey, look.
Oh, you shouldn't have.

Why not?
No, that's just--just
an expression.

So is
"May I take your coat?"

Sorry, of course.

And Mr. Brady, may I say
what an honor it is to
have you in our home.

Lucky for you she asked me.
(CHUCKLES) So, umm,
dinner first or business?

Well, you know what,
I thought we would get
business out of the way

and then we could
enjoy the evening.

Okay.
Okay.

I'm not gonna
change my film.

You ready to eat?
I'll see.

Paul, Paul, Paul, do you,
do you have a piece of paper?

Sure.
Thank you.

"Have hearing checked."

Funniest thing, I thought
I heard you say you're not
going to change your film.

Yeah, well, that's true.
That's what I said.

Look, Mr. Brady, I know that
you're accustomed to getting
things your way.

But this is my show,
and we have
a verbal agreement,

and I expect you to live up
to your end of the bargain.

I'm sorry that it comes down
to this, but that is it,
that is my final decision.

Oh, that was just adorable.
Get my coat.

Certainly.
Hope everybody's hungry.

Where are you going?
Ah, Mr. Brady has to leave.

This is what I get for
stepping off the mountain.

You I still like.
Mr. Brady, Alan,
please don't go.

Honey, honey, we can't,
we can't work it out.
Of course, we can work it out.

There will be other movies.
Not with Mr. Brady.

Will you two
get away from me!

Mr. Brady, please.
Sweetie, it's over.

Really?
Oh, it's over.

Yeah, so why, why don't
we just eat and move on. Okay?

Mr. Brady, again, thank you
and good evening.
It was nice meeting you, kid.

Give my regards to oblivion.

Oh, this lasagna smells good.
What did you put in this?

Oh, noodles and tomato sauce,

(BLUBBERING)
cheese. Oh, Paul.

It's okay, sweetie.
I'm-- I'm sure everything,
something will work out.

I know. It's just we were
counting on this so much.

Listen, Paul,
I've got to talk to you.

Oh, sorry.
Yeah, this is not
a great time.

Just come here.

Sorry folks, it will only
take a second.
Excuse me.

Sorry I'm making it
tough on you.
Yeah, well.

Okay, okay,
keep the pineapple.

Sweetie, may I see you
in the kitchen, please?

All right.

Well, who's hungry?
Load me up, baby.

Mr. Brady,
you're absolutely right.
I know I am. About what?

If you don't feel comfortable
with the film, if you are not
happy with the film,

then I see no reason
that you should do it.

I see no reason either.
It wouldn't be right.

It wouldn't
be right at all.

All right, all right.
What's going on here?
Nothing.

Oh, mushrooms in here.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

Well, it's just that
everything has worked out.

We found somebody else
to take your place.

So, there is nothing
for you to worry about.

Oh, fine, fine.

Who'd you get?
Not that it matters.

Oh, nobody. Sid Caesar.

I've heard of him.

Cheese, sweetie?

Caesar is a genius.
Brilliant physical comedian,

which, by the way,
is very important
for a narrator.

He does all those
wonderful double takes

that nobody will see, but it
will be nice that they're
there, and he does pantomime.

Oh, that will come in handy.
This is just delicious,
sweetie.

You know what, kid,
I can see you're
in kind of a jam.

I am, huh?
Yeah.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I like you, and you're
growing on me.
Why don't I bail you out?

Really?
What the heck.

(STUTTERING)
Well, I don't know.

You don't know?
No.

He's going to
kill this yet.

Yeah, well, it's just that
you seem very uncomfortable
with the film the way it is.

It's fine. It's fine.
It's fine. Just made
a few suggestions.

That's the kind of a person
I am. Whatever you want.
Let's do it your way.

All right.
Well, then, you got a deal.

And I'll tell you what.
I'll call Sid Caesar.
I will let him down easy.

I don't know why you made
such a big fuss about this.

Well, now that
this is settled,
let's sit down and eat.

Okay. Mr. Brady?
Yes.

You're sitting in my chair.

And?
And I'm thrilled.

So, you trip over
the ottoman.

You see, you're looking over
there, not looking here,
you trip over it

and she helps you up.

I don't know.
Honey, he's our guest.

If he wants you to fall,
you should fall.

I don't know that an ottoman
is funny, what if,
and I'm just pitching,

if I trip over, like, a hat.
See, that's never been done.

You know why it's never
been done?
Why?

It's stupid.

All right, but, now,
again, it's just an idea,
instead of tripping,

I'm walking, right,
so, I come in,
I'm walking

on the ottoman,
and then I keep walking.

I'm really sorry
about Paul.

Would that be funny?
No, my mother can
do that.

All right. Now, this is, okay,
'cause you're expecting
falling, right?

So, I'm walking
and all of a sudden, I sit.

Sitting has never been funny.
Never.
Sitting.

Whistler's Mother is sitting,
who laughs?

All right, let me just
bounce this off of you.