All language subtitles for Californication S07E06 [1080p] [x265] [pseudo]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,975 Previously on Californication: 2 00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:12,668 - I got the part. - Congrats. 3 00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:14,270 Way to go. 4 00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:17,939 You do realize that Rath might have certain expectations now, right? 5 00:00:18,118 --> 00:00:22,214 Are you saying he expects me to have sex with him or give him a blow job? 6 00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:23,549 So who recommended you? 7 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:25,384 - Stu Beggs. - My ex. 8 00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:28,925 He said you needed the work, that your husband isn't much of an earner. 9 00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,187 I waxed a hooker today. 10 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,558 She was young and cute and totally down to fuck. 11 00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:34,393 Really? Is this wrong? 12 00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:36,034 I can't tell anymore. 13 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:39,467 Dude, you got me a fucking hooker? Oh, my God. Thank you so much. 14 00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:42,107 This is what I thought having a father would be like. 15 00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:43,902 The clit's on top, right? 16 00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:45,635 Another happy customer. 17 00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:47,905 You know how you tell your mother everything? 18 00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:51,312 - Are you gonna tell her about this? - She would be totally pissed. 19 00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:53,042 - Good to know. - What about me? 20 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:57,121 I impulse-remarried a depraved lunatic who can't even get it up for me. 21 00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:59,019 I need a manager who cares about me... 22 00:00:59,192 --> 00:01:01,160 ...as much as about what me can do for him. 23 00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:04,160 - I do, Goldie. - Get me off this fucking show. 24 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:06,730 - Why? - Rath humiliated me. 25 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,063 You're getting hard right now, aren't you? 26 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,965 Why does this keep happening to me? 27 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,741 Sorry. 28 00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:30,252 Killing bad guys is my business, and business be fucking cracking. 29 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,688 When I'm killing crackheads, know what I'm saying? 30 00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:37,352 - Yeah. - So don't y'all worry about the funny. 31 00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:41,466 That's my job. I bring the fucking funny. 32 00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:45,730 Here's what's not my job. Delivering all your expositional shit. 33 00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:50,103 Save that yickity-yack for the guest stars, all right? Now, Danko's cool. 34 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:53,609 He's cool. Only time that nigga open his mouth, he got something to say. 35 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,975 And that shit better be worth saying, all right? 36 00:01:56,149 --> 00:01:59,880 None of that nonsensical cop jargon y'all motherfuckers always be writing. 37 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,749 "Watch out." "Get down." 38 00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:04,651 "Damn." 39 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,223 "Now, that's how you drive." 40 00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:09,520 I can say a whole lot with a look. 41 00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:11,220 Peep. 42 00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:14,857 Yeah. 43 00:02:15,034 --> 00:02:18,435 I don't know about you guys, but I think I just shit my pants. 44 00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:22,539 - That's not the shit-my-pants look. - Oh, no? 45 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:26,145 This is the shit-my-pants look. Slo-mo. 46 00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:36,882 That's dramatic. 47 00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:39,081 - Y'all peep? Y'all feel that? - Oh, yeah. 48 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:43,593 No, I feel it. It's like an electromagnetic pulsing in my asshole area. 49 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:45,956 Yo, who's this cat? 50 00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:49,932 Hashtag Black, allow me to introduce our newest writer, Hank Moody. 51 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,593 Yo, Hank Moody, the raper. 52 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,864 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yep. The one and the same. 53 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,372 - I'm a big fan of all your wrongdoings. - Thank you. 54 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,511 You used to work side by side with Samurai. 55 00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:00,669 He was just "Sam" to me. Calvin, actually. 56 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:01,871 He said you was cool. 57 00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:04,949 Also said you like sticking your pee-pee where it don't belong. 58 00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:07,678 I like to think that doesn't define me as a human being. 59 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,948 I also like to think that my pee-pee belongs wherever it winds up. 60 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,718 Oh, yeah, you gonna be my guy, Moody. 61 00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:16,259 - You gonna be my set bitch. - Oh, no. 62 00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:18,897 - You cool with that? - Absolutely. Whatever you want. 63 00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:22,557 I'm not a big fan of the set, per se. I find the hours quite punishing. 64 00:03:22,735 --> 00:03:26,933 Has anybody given thought to maybe starting later? Or shorter hours, perhaps? 65 00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:29,540 - What the fuck is he going on about? - Fuck if I know. 66 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,405 Excuse me, Hashtag, I'd love to pitch you an idea... 67 00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:35,241 Yo, pitches hurt my ears, especially pitches from bitches. 68 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,975 No offense. Got the tendency of using too many words. 69 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,779 Know what I mean? Why use one word when you can use 10? 70 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,014 Yeah. That's funny. Actually, I can be quite brief... 71 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:47,159 Goldie, the man doesn't wanna hear your pitch right now. 72 00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,591 Yo, peace, writer peoples. 73 00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:51,229 - Let me walk you out. - Love you. 74 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:52,455 - Hashtag. - Love you. 75 00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:54,862 Kickoff party tonight at my place. Be there. 76 00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:58,936 Behave yourselves, don't break anything, and no fucking in my pool. 77 00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:00,129 Terry. 78 00:04:00,673 --> 00:04:02,334 Does anybody else wanna be set bitch? 79 00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:03,736 - No. - Set bitches? 80 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,138 - Set bitch? Set bitch? - No. 81 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:07,609 - Terry, I'll arm-wrestle you for it. - No. 82 00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:05,660 Holy TV money, Batman. 83 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,568 Yeah, look at that. The house that utter mediocrity built. 84 00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,766 It's inspiring, Hank. 85 00:05:10,943 --> 00:05:14,208 I've never felt more determined to sign TV-writer clients. 86 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:17,008 Do not shit where I eat, Charlie. It's unsanitary. 87 00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:20,516 Oh, greetings and salutations, 24-hour party people. 88 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,952 This is the guy I was telling you about, the one who came in his pants. 89 00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:26,591 - Nice to meet you. Charlie Runkle. - Nice to meet you. 90 00:05:26,759 --> 00:05:30,388 I'm Hank's manager and heterosexual life mate. 91 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:33,259 Nice to meet you. You must be the lovely Julia. 92 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,196 Number one on the baby-mama call sheet. 93 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:39,304 - Levon says great things about you. - Not really, like at all, ever. 94 00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:42,771 So, Dad, we gonna see some big tits and round asses up in here tonight? 95 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:44,842 I'm not afraid to pull your pants down... 96 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,377 ...and spank your ass in a room full of strangers. 97 00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:50,448 - I know you're not. I'm sorry. - Go inside and behave yourself. 98 00:05:50,616 --> 00:05:53,244 - I'm gonna talk to your dad. - Let's check out the talent. 99 00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:55,478 You're not going in pitching a tent, are you? 100 00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,520 - Behave. - Okay. 101 00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,685 What's up? 102 00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,559 Do you notice anything weird about Levon? 103 00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:04,128 How could you possibly tell? 104 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:07,289 He seems different. More relaxed, confident. 105 00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:11,028 - That's a bad thing? - No, it's great. I just... I'm not used to it. 106 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,696 Well, maybe having a job has done wonders for the young man's psyche. 107 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,136 Or maybe knowing his dad... 108 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:19,369 ...who's actually proving to be something of a positive role model. 109 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:22,275 I don't think that could be it, do you? 110 00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,016 Wow, nice house. 111 00:06:26,185 --> 00:06:28,415 Yeah. One day, all this could be yours. 112 00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:30,886 Mrs. Julia Rath. Has a nice ring to it. 113 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,319 It was just one date. 114 00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:33,857 Hope he wasn't too hands-y. 115 00:06:34,026 --> 00:06:37,018 No, he was a perfect gentleman. Actually, too perfect, you know? 116 00:06:37,196 --> 00:06:39,426 Because sometimes you just want a guy to like: 117 00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:42,659 What? What? You want a guy to what? 118 00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:44,700 My schween is hanging on your every word. 119 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:48,500 There's a potential erection hanging in the balance here. What? 120 00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:51,541 I haven't been to a party in so long, I don't know what to do. 121 00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:54,236 It's like riding a bike. You just have a drink or 10... 122 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,747 ...and hope you don't wake up with a tattoo or a bloody asshole or both. 123 00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,544 Shall we? 124 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:12,558 Get me a refill. 125 00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,893 I like when you order me around. 126 00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,295 I'm serious. I do. 127 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,828 Stu, Nikki, how's it hanging? 128 00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:20,632 Hank, how are you? 129 00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:22,707 - Hey, baby. - How's the kid? 130 00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:26,276 - He's still basking in the afterglow. - You two guys know each other? 131 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,505 She relieved my son of his virginity. 132 00:07:28,681 --> 00:07:31,275 World class, dude. 133 00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,412 I wish my pops would've popped my cherry like that. 134 00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:37,249 Instead, he sat me down, he gave me a copy of Playboy... 135 00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:39,983 ...and told me both men and women had nipples. 136 00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:44,160 Can we keep the whole Levon-slash-hooker thing on the DL? 137 00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,389 His mom's here and she doesn't know about it. 138 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,557 Oh, I am nothing if not discreet. 139 00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,292 Oh, now, that is true. 140 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,370 She is amazing. 141 00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:56,201 She lets me do the kinkiest stuff to her, and she never tells a soul. 142 00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:58,605 - You are so cute. - Wow, sounds like a keeper. 143 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,746 Yeah. And she looks like Marcy, right? 144 00:08:00,913 --> 00:08:02,210 Yo, Moody. 145 00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:04,178 - Hey, Hashtag. - How you be, bro? 146 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:05,874 - I be good. - Hashtag. 147 00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:08,486 - Big Dick Beggs. - Hey, Hashtag. 148 00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:12,047 - They say he got a big dick, right? - Yeah. 149 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,750 That's crazy. Yo, Stu, I gotta talk to Moody over here. 150 00:08:14,927 --> 00:08:16,087 Whatever. 151 00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:19,026 - Let me get my drink. - Moody, I gotta level with you, man. 152 00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,722 Rath is fucking my shit up. 153 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,494 That's probably something you should bring up with Rath. 154 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,330 Motherfucker's too stubborn to hear. 155 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,769 He's all about the drama. I'm all about the funny. 156 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:29,032 He wants to do The Wire. 157 00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,972 I'm trying to do 48 Hours for a new generation, you hear me? 158 00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:34,408 I need you to help me out like you helped Samurai. 159 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:38,607 We can do a modern-day action-comedy. Emphasis on the comedy. 160 00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:42,276 I'm not really in a position to do that, Hashtag. And I'm not that funny. 161 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,184 Yeah, but you's fucking witty, right? 162 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,723 - And I'm fucking funny. - You are fucking funny. 163 00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:50,124 Together we can... Damn. Who's that piece of ass? 164 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,857 That would be Julia. She's got a small part on the show as a squad secretary. 165 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,298 - You're gonna be doing scenes with her. - Oh, I'm doing scenes with her. 166 00:08:57,470 --> 00:09:01,531 - I'm doing scenes with her up in here. - She's also the mother of my son. 167 00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:04,272 Oh, okay. You're not together? 168 00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:05,467 No, not currently. 169 00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:09,873 - So you ain't crushing that ass? - Not at the present. Like, 20 years ago. 170 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:12,813 And even then, I wasn't so much crushing it as admiring it. 171 00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:17,149 - I don't like to be too rough with the ass. - Oh, I like to destroy that shit. 172 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,016 I wanna murder that ass. 173 00:09:19,191 --> 00:09:22,319 I understand what you're saying, but your language is so aggressive. 174 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:25,953 You see, if you murder the ass, then there's no ass left to enjoy. 175 00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:27,599 See, that's where you're wrong. 176 00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:31,328 You gotta murder that ass so no other motherfucker can enjoy that ass, right? 177 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,369 - No. - It's like a metaphorical murder. 178 00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:35,131 - Yeah, you feel me? - I do feel you. 179 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,832 - Cool. You see that? - Yeah. 180 00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:39,807 I'm gonna see if I can turn this bitch out. Catch you later. 181 00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:42,641 Think about my words. Hashtag, words. 182 00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,343 Thought about them. Thought about them. 183 00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:46,610 The fuck was that about? 184 00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:48,083 It seems your number one... 185 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:52,190 ...is warm for your number 16's form. And he doesn't like the way you're writing him. 186 00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:56,260 It's not enough that I have to fight with this fucker over expository dialogue... 187 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,158 ...now he feels entitled to my woman? 188 00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:00,758 - She's your woman now? - Come on. 189 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:03,458 Cut me some slack, all right? I'm a little heated up. 190 00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:06,833 - She say anything about me? - Said you were the perfect gentleman. 191 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,030 - Good, good. - Yeah. 192 00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:10,471 - I'm trying. Usually I'm a fucking asshole. - Yeah. 193 00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:14,010 - Trying to take it easy with her. - Right. But sometimes you gotta... 194 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:17,115 - What? - Well, you know. Sometimes you gotta... 195 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,183 - Sometimes you gotta what? - You know. 196 00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:22,150 - Shit, here comes Shrek. - That's my son you're talking about. 197 00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:26,223 I'm sorry, all right? I'm all worked up. I gotta head this shit off at the pass. 198 00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:27,750 Guess what. 199 00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:30,953 Wait. You were born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day... 200 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:34,190 ...when The New York Times said "God is dead, and the war's begun." 201 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,392 Come on, I hate that. Nikki's here. 202 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:37,900 I know. She's with Stu Beggs. 203 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:41,870 - Can I borrow some money? - Oh, so Levon does like his money. 204 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,202 - Why? - I wanna bone her again. 205 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:45,537 She's with Stu. 206 00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,736 She can't spare a few minutes for business? 207 00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:50,404 - Your mom is here. - So? There's a ton of rooms. 208 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,177 - And it's very expensive. - Okay, I'll pay you back. 209 00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:55,843 - No, you won't. - I'm really pissed at you right now. 210 00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:57,546 I'm a little pissed at you. 211 00:10:57,723 --> 00:11:00,317 That feeling is back, like I gotta fuck something. 212 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,687 - Okay. - I need a release. 213 00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:05,729 Look, I understand. Just try to find a nice, quiet bathroom and go beat off. 214 00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:09,061 You'll feel better. Just clean up afterwards and wash your hands. 215 00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:13,331 Yeah, but now that I got my dick wet, beating off just seems kind of lame. 216 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:17,101 Yes, I get that. But masturbation is still gonna be a huge part of your life. 217 00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:21,269 Even though you got laid, girls aren't just gonna start hurling themselves at you. 218 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:25,146 I should've just stayed a virgin. It would've been better not having... 219 00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:27,751 ...a glimpse of the promised land. - Good talk. 220 00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:36,719 Are you sure you should be drinking? 221 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,796 I'm not allergic to vodka, asshole. 222 00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:41,091 Sorry. Who would know? 223 00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,894 You know what I am allergic to? 224 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,162 - Semen. - Oh, really? 225 00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:48,363 Yeah, can't spit or swallow. Totally burns the back of my throat. 226 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,944 One time I took one up top. Fucking broke out in hives and blotches. 227 00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:56,980 Blowing a load on me is like throwing holy water on Linda Blair. 228 00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:00,945 What up? 229 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,611 I'm so fucking pissed at Rath right now. 230 00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:04,813 Oh, why? 231 00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:06,924 He let Hashtag call me a bitch today. 232 00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:10,585 - Doesn't really seem like Rath's style. - Why would you take his side? 233 00:12:10,763 --> 00:12:12,321 I'm not taking his side. 234 00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:15,262 Goldie, cooler heads. Cooler heads. 235 00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:18,597 First, he rewrites me, then he humiliates me in front of Hashtag. 236 00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:22,002 I mean, he's trying to send me a message, Charlie. He's out to get me. 237 00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:25,337 This is all part of his plan, that slimy motherfucker... 238 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:27,342 ...woman-hating dickhead... 239 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:29,344 Goldie. 240 00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,506 - Rath. Hi. - There she is. 241 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:32,878 - You good? - Great. 242 00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:35,145 I made sure they had gluten-free shit for you. 243 00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,084 - There you go. - You're the best. 244 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,554 What a great home. Beautiful. 245 00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:42,023 Work hard, you'll get there, right? 246 00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:46,129 Hey, I hope you're not using my party as an opportunity to poach clients. 247 00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:47,629 Never. 248 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:52,328 As if anyone would ever wanna sign with this fucking degenerate lunatic, right? 249 00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:54,302 Have fun. 250 00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:03,614 I can't tell you much, but I can tell you... 251 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,980 ...that we're planning on putting you in some seriously hot outfits. 252 00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,381 Truth. 253 00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:11,955 Shut the fuck up, Hugh. You're creeping out the female lead of the show. 254 00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:15,116 Don't worry about it. He has absolutely no decision-making power. 255 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:18,559 And he loves cupcakes and Coldplay and sticking pencils up his pooper. 256 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,460 Who doesn't love Coldplay? 257 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,897 - And you are? - Hank Moody. Newbie writer. 258 00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:24,695 Be gentle with me. 259 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:28,663 You're the one who wrote the movie, right? 260 00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:31,742 I am one of 19 people who wrote the movie that never came out. 261 00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,435 And you wrote Fucking & Punching? 262 00:13:33,612 --> 00:13:37,378 I am only one of six people who wrote that, which is why it's so damn good. 263 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,643 It is good. God, I love that movie. 264 00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:42,146 Shucks. Thank you. 265 00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,686 Can I be honest with you? 266 00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:46,791 - If you must. - I don't like the way... 267 00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:48,426 ...Rath's writing my character. 268 00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:50,858 You should probably bring that up with Rath, then. 269 00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:53,692 I did, and he blew me off. 270 00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:56,858 - Can we talk about it for a minute? - You mean, like right now? 271 00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,070 I'll make it worth your while. 272 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,440 Hey. 273 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:10,241 Hey there, Runkle. How you doing? 274 00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:13,146 - How's married life? - It's, you know, ups and downs, Stu. 275 00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,844 Checks and bal... All good in the proverbial hood, yeah. 276 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:19,684 Wait, wait. You know, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. 277 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,349 Oh, yeah? What's that, Stu? 278 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,325 I wanna sleep with Marcy again. 279 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:27,992 Stu... 280 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,532 ...what is wrong with you? 281 00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:32,965 I don't know. 282 00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:35,106 I mean, my career is on fire. 283 00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:38,209 This television thing has me shitting cash. 284 00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:43,014 But without a queen, my castle is a-crumbling. 285 00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:47,278 Look, look, look, I know you won her fair and square... 286 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:50,616 ...but I can't stop thinking about that magnificent creature. 287 00:14:50,789 --> 00:14:55,158 You gotta move on, Stu, because we are married, okay? Again. 288 00:14:55,327 --> 00:14:57,761 I know that. I respect that. 289 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:01,692 You know, Marcy may very well be your soul mate... 290 00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:05,234 ...but that woman was born to be my sex partner. 291 00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:07,899 And I just miss her so much. 292 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,466 So much. 293 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:14,079 Like, this last time she let me go down on her... 294 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:18,239 ...and I wasn't able to get my helmet into that silky pond of hers. 295 00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,783 You know, she's so fucking tight, Charlie. 296 00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:23,183 I mean, she makes me feel huge. 297 00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:26,051 - And I'm already huge. - I'm well aware, Stu. 298 00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:30,491 Now, when was this that she let you go down on her again? 299 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:34,394 It was way before you two were remarried, of course. 300 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,669 It was a sunny day in Venice. 301 00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:40,865 Tuesday. 302 00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,998 Quite possibly my last happy day. 303 00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:48,203 Oh, God, you guys must be boning every chance you can. 304 00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:49,540 You're fucking newlyweds. 305 00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:52,047 What is the point of this conversation, Stu? 306 00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:54,981 You miss fucking Marcy. Okay, I get it. So what? 307 00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:56,178 Runkle... 308 00:15:56,355 --> 00:16:00,121 ...I have a proposal for you. 309 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:03,853 And, yes, it is quite indecent. 310 00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:07,661 With your permission, and hers, of course... 311 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:12,532 ...I am willing to pay you guys a cool 1 million... 312 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,333 ...if you will let me sleep with her again. 313 00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:17,634 Just the once. 314 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:21,177 Or as many times as we can fit into a night. 315 00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,015 Think about it. 316 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:36,359 - You totally made this worth my while. - I told you I would. 317 00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:40,491 Your notes are fucking bullshit, but your weed is superb. 318 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,896 - You're funny. - I am funny. 319 00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:46,299 I mean, not like comedian funny, but I'm witty. 320 00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:47,962 I guess that's my thing. 321 00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:50,870 Witty is good. You know, nobody's really witty anymore. 322 00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:55,070 That's right. Like Woody Allen or Pauly Shore. It's a lost art, really. 323 00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:59,377 So, what brings a real writer to Santa Monica Cop? 324 00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,781 It was time to grow the fuck up. I needed a job. 325 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,116 Look at you, all growed up. 326 00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:08,623 What is a serious actress doing on Santa Monica Cop? 327 00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:12,560 I needed a job too, but I'm not so keen on growing up. 328 00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,398 Excuse me. 329 00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:17,732 I need to make a confession. 330 00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:21,634 You're thinking impure thoughts right now. That's totally understandable. 331 00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:22,899 No. 332 00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:26,067 - I hate this show. - That's also totally understandable. 333 00:17:26,245 --> 00:17:29,681 I had the option of taking this show or some class-up-the-ass BBC thing... 334 00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,975 ...and my agent talked me into taking this one. 335 00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:35,609 - That's a bummer. - Yeah. A big bummer. 336 00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:37,315 Can you do me a favor? 337 00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:40,549 Can you please talk to Rath, see if maybe he can kill me off? 338 00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:44,291 I promise I'll make it worth your while. 339 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,858 My head is spinning with the possibilities. 340 00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:52,595 As it should. But in the meantime, I have another little confession. 341 00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:55,296 You have three tits and a dick. 342 00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:57,233 Almost. 343 00:17:57,409 --> 00:18:00,845 One of my very best friends in the whole wide world is Sasha Bingham. 344 00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:03,504 - I know Sasha Bingham. - I know you know Sasha Bingham. 345 00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:06,150 Sasha Bingham is the star of Fucking & Punching. 346 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:08,513 - She was, indeed. - We had some good times. 347 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:12,548 Except for the time when I accidentally fucked her mom. That was unfortunate. 348 00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:14,214 She told me about that. 349 00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:16,793 She also said you give really great head. 350 00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:21,160 - She did? That is so sweet of her. - I know. She's sweet. 351 00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:23,767 That is just a very nice thing to say about a person. 352 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,700 - Will you give her my best? - Absolutely. 353 00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:30,198 Speaking of which, what do you think defines great head? 354 00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:33,310 Oh, well, I guess you'd have to ask the head-getter. 355 00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:37,711 Well, I mean, I've had good head, but I don't know what makes it great. 356 00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:41,614 I think you have to treat the bagina like a person. 357 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,311 And how do you treat a person? 358 00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:46,481 Like you yourself would wanna be treated. 359 00:18:46,658 --> 00:18:50,094 I understand what you're saying. It just sounds so intellectual. 360 00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:54,431 After all, isn't it important for a writer to show and not to tell? 361 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,329 Oh, my. 362 00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:58,094 Oh, dear. 363 00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:00,129 You do make a valid point. 364 00:19:03,342 --> 00:19:05,367 Permission to come aboard? 365 00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:07,637 Permission granted. 366 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:18,181 You're a very pleasant actress, very agreeable. 367 00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:20,486 I can do better. 368 00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,559 - Oh, hello. - Hi. 369 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,697 - Hello. - Sorry. 370 00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:29,061 Hi. No, no. Hello. 371 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,758 - Hi. - Amy Taylor Walsh. 372 00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:33,598 It is lovely to meet you. We're gonna be working together. 373 00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:36,673 - Nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan. - Great. 374 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,173 Me too. I'm a huge fan. 375 00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:42,737 Yeah... 376 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:43,939 Sorry about that. 377 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,175 It's none of my beeswax. 378 00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:47,841 What's going on? 379 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,454 Hashtag asked me to go for a ride in his Bentley. 380 00:19:50,622 --> 00:19:54,114 - That's probably not a good idea. - Like going down on the female lead? 381 00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:58,024 Much like that. You should keep the flirtation with Hashtag to a minimum. 382 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,188 I'm not flirting with him. He's just funny. 383 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,027 He is fucking funny, and Rath is fucking jealous. 384 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,899 God, so much fuss over an actress who hasn't worked in 20 years. It's so fun. 385 00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:09,540 What can I say? You get the boys all hot and bothered. 386 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,232 It's not like I'm some commodity. 387 00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:14,072 I'm not interested in Rath or Hashtag or anyone. 388 00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:16,978 I'm just really happy to have an acting job. 389 00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:20,607 I don't wanna complicate my life. Like when we kissed, I learned from that. 390 00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:23,380 That's right, we kissed. I totally forgot about that. 391 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,080 - You forgot that we kissed? - Just a figure of speech. 392 00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:28,988 Of course I remember. And it was very nice. 393 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,629 It was nice. It was a familiar surprise. 394 00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:34,789 It was a perfect storm of booze and nitrous. 395 00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:37,834 I was very vulnerable in that chair. You took advantage of me. 396 00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:41,268 You manipulated me with all these bullshit compliments... 397 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,408 ...about what a great mother I am. 398 00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,907 You are a great mother. You're a fantastic mother. 399 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,102 Don't do that. 400 00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:49,543 - Mother Teresa's got nothing on you. - That's mean. 401 00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:51,979 You're probably a better kisser than she ever was. 402 00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:55,586 But who knows, maybe she had a rocking bod underneath that saintly frock. 403 00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:59,690 - Let me know when you wanna kiss. - You just went down on a girl. 404 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:03,360 What if I brushed my teeth? That's gotta be a bit of a turn-on. 405 00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:05,359 Me offering to brush my teeth? 406 00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:08,124 - Why did you go down on her? - It's a long story. 407 00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:12,369 But she heard I gave good head. That's, you know... 408 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,096 You do give good head. I mean, I don't know. 409 00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:18,107 I don't even remember. It was so long ago. 410 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,403 Oh, fuck. 411 00:21:19,578 --> 00:21:21,273 - What? - I think I'm hard. 412 00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,211 Is that from before or from us? 413 00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:28,615 Who can tell? I can't differentiate. I mean, I don't know that I'd want to. 414 00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:32,052 But I think there's only one way to defuse this situation. 415 00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:34,548 How? 416 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:38,828 Get that pussy mouth away from me. 417 00:21:43,335 --> 00:21:45,599 No, no. 418 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,133 What the fuck? 419 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:52,675 Told you this fucker like to stick his pecker where it don't belong. 420 00:21:52,844 --> 00:21:56,473 Hey, I decide whose pecker goes in here and whose doesn't, okay? 421 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,673 And you're a very charming and funny guy... 422 00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:01,978 ...but I'm a single mom, and not easily wooed. Even with a Bentley. 423 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,712 I got a Ferrari. 424 00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:07,048 Rick, I really enjoyed our date. I'm grateful to you... 425 00:22:07,225 --> 00:22:10,558 ...for giving me an acting job and making my childhood dreams come true. 426 00:22:10,729 --> 00:22:14,358 But if the job comes with strings attached, then I cannot and will not do it. 427 00:22:14,533 --> 00:22:18,264 No, no. No strings attached. The job is yours, Julia. 428 00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:20,337 I'll think about it. 429 00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:23,272 What you waiting for, Rath? Fire his fucking ass. 430 00:22:23,442 --> 00:22:25,501 You don't tell me who to hire or who to fire. 431 00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:28,737 - It's my fucking show. - My character is the fucking show. 432 00:22:28,914 --> 00:22:31,144 - Who says it's your fucking character? - Nice. 433 00:22:31,316 --> 00:22:33,580 What the fuck are you doing? You know I like her. 434 00:22:33,752 --> 00:22:35,583 I know it looked like funny business... 435 00:22:35,754 --> 00:22:38,518 ...but it was just a tickle fight. I swear to God. Honestly. 436 00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:41,318 You are not gonna like this. 437 00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:43,084 There's fucking in the pool. 438 00:22:43,261 --> 00:22:45,354 Motherfuckers. 439 00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:47,699 Motherfuckers. 440 00:22:53,972 --> 00:22:56,065 Nine fucking bathrooms in the fucking house... 441 00:22:56,241 --> 00:22:58,607 ...and the asshole's gotta screw in my pool, huh? 442 00:22:58,777 --> 00:23:00,745 Hey. Leon. 443 00:23:00,912 --> 00:23:03,403 I was very clear. No fucking in my pool. 444 00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:05,378 Levon, what are you doing? 445 00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:09,281 Nikki, I'm paying you very good money to be my date tonight. 446 00:23:09,454 --> 00:23:13,015 No, I know, Stu. I'm really sorry. I just wanted to make a little extra cash. 447 00:23:13,191 --> 00:23:15,751 And honestly, he said that Hank would take care of it. 448 00:23:15,927 --> 00:23:17,656 So really, this is all on you. 449 00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:19,626 Told you I wasn't gonna lend you money. 450 00:23:19,798 --> 00:23:21,789 I know, but then my head got all cloudy. 451 00:23:21,967 --> 00:23:24,629 This is how young people get in trouble with credit cards. 452 00:23:24,803 --> 00:23:26,566 She's a hooker? You're a hooker? 453 00:23:27,439 --> 00:23:28,929 Yeah, pretty much. 454 00:23:29,107 --> 00:23:32,770 But on the upside, I get tested, like, all the time, so we're good. 455 00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:35,606 This is so upsetting. You lost your virginity to a hooker. 456 00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,307 - Not just. I mean... - Hey, now. 457 00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:41,350 I'm... Don't be upset, Mom. I mean, she's really cool. 458 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,182 She's the coolest. I think I'm in love. 459 00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:48,086 - You're in love with a hooker? - No, actually, this is pretty common. 460 00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:51,696 - Guys fall in love with me all the time. - We never should've moved to L.A. 461 00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:53,160 Did you use a condom, honey? 462 00:23:53,331 --> 00:23:54,559 - Yes. - Good. 463 00:23:54,733 --> 00:23:58,191 I'm sorry. Hank was just trying to help me out. I should've left it alone. 464 00:23:58,370 --> 00:24:00,634 I should've been content having sex with her once. 465 00:24:00,806 --> 00:24:03,969 - But I had to fly too close to the sun. - This isn't the first time? 466 00:24:04,142 --> 00:24:05,302 Here we go. 467 00:24:05,477 --> 00:24:08,275 I'm sorry, I can't lie to my moms. Don't blame Hank. 468 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:11,939 He thought he was doing the right thing. And he was. I've never felt better. 469 00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:14,142 I feel like a great weight has been lifted. 470 00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:16,651 I'm glad Dad got me a hooker. 471 00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:19,484 You got him a hooker? 472 00:24:19,658 --> 00:24:23,526 The way in which you ask that makes me think you don't think it's a very good idea. 473 00:24:30,836 --> 00:24:33,999 Yes, okay. Not a very good idea at all. 474 00:24:34,172 --> 00:24:36,902 I'm sorry, Julia. I thought I was doing a good thing. 475 00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:40,741 Don't worry, Dad. I'll smooth it out for you. I promise. 476 00:24:40,912 --> 00:24:43,506 - You happy now, Rath? - Okay, not now, Goldie, not now. 477 00:24:43,682 --> 00:24:47,448 - This is the fucking ship that you run. - Yes, this is the ship I run. Look at me. 478 00:24:47,619 --> 00:24:50,986 - I'm captain of the HMS Fucktard. - That's why I'm gonna take it from you. 479 00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:52,885 - You don't deserve it. - Be my guest. 480 00:24:53,058 --> 00:24:55,993 Knock yourself out steering this ship of fools. 481 00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:58,857 - I will. You tell him, Charlie. Tell him. - Tell him what? 482 00:24:59,030 --> 00:25:01,225 Tell him he's disrespected me for the last time. 483 00:25:01,399 --> 00:25:03,833 Okay. Rath, I think what Goldie means to say is... 484 00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:07,597 - Shut the fuck up now. - Shutting the fuck up now. 485 00:25:07,772 --> 00:25:09,069 You fucking pussy. 486 00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:11,209 - What? - Does your suit come with tampons? 487 00:25:15,247 --> 00:25:18,080 Does that suit come with tampons? See, that's funny, right? 488 00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:21,219 If it's funny, I laugh. You are actually fucking funny. 489 00:25:21,386 --> 00:25:23,377 - Am I actually fucking funny? - Yeah. 490 00:25:23,555 --> 00:25:25,352 Fuck you, Hashtag. 491 00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:27,856 - What is wrong with you? - Think you can get away... 492 00:25:28,026 --> 00:25:29,789 ...with calling me a bitch? - I didn't. 493 00:25:29,961 --> 00:25:33,556 I have respect for all womankind. I said, "I don't take pitches from bitches. 494 00:25:33,732 --> 00:25:35,461 Y'all use too many words." That's it. 495 00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:39,229 Oh, that's a lot better. Tell him he can't talk to me like that. Represent. 496 00:25:39,404 --> 00:25:41,304 Actually, I agree with everything he says. 497 00:25:41,473 --> 00:25:43,737 My own wife, Marcy, when she talks at me... 498 00:25:43,909 --> 00:25:46,742 ...the sheer volume of words, it makes my ears bleed. 499 00:25:46,912 --> 00:25:49,107 This bald motherfucker knows of which he speaks. 500 00:25:49,281 --> 00:25:51,943 Thank you very much. Oh, one of those too. I like that. 501 00:25:52,117 --> 00:25:53,243 - Excuse me. - What? 502 00:25:53,418 --> 00:25:54,442 You're fucking fired. 503 00:25:54,619 --> 00:25:57,087 And you're fucking bat-shit crazy, Goldie. 504 00:25:58,657 --> 00:26:00,625 Hey. Be nice to my agent. 505 00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:03,050 Rath, where the fuck you find these writers? 506 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:06,356 You just pull outside of a Home Depot and say, "Hop the fuck in"? 507 00:26:06,531 --> 00:26:08,658 These are some seriously tweaked motherfuckers. 508 00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:15,466 - Shit. - Jesus. 509 00:26:25,150 --> 00:26:26,845 Riddle me this, Runks. 510 00:26:27,018 --> 00:26:30,283 How can I be in the doghouse with a woman I'm not even dating? 511 00:26:30,455 --> 00:26:33,219 And why do I care so fucking much? 512 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:40,156 - Do you think you still have a job? - I don't know. 513 00:26:40,999 --> 00:26:42,967 Do you think Goldie still has a job? 514 00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:44,863 My guess would be "fuck, no." 515 00:26:47,172 --> 00:26:49,231 What's wrong, pickle lips? 516 00:26:49,407 --> 00:26:51,136 I'm broke, Hank. 517 00:26:51,309 --> 00:26:52,674 You mean like "broke" broke? 518 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:55,803 Like totally and utterly broke. 519 00:26:55,981 --> 00:26:59,610 Like "I don't know how I'm gonna pay the rent next month" broke. 520 00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:01,547 Like... Like... 521 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,918 Like the kind of broke that forces a man to do something desperate. 522 00:27:06,091 --> 00:27:07,820 I'm not gonna give you 20 percent. 523 00:27:07,993 --> 00:27:12,487 My next paycheck has to go to supporting my son's new hooker habit. 524 00:27:16,901 --> 00:27:18,368 We're so fucking fucked. 525 00:27:18,536 --> 00:27:21,937 Yes, we are fucking fucked, but we've been fucked before. 526 00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:27,578 In the ass, legs pinned behind our ears, not a drop of lube. 527 00:27:27,746 --> 00:27:30,374 But we always come out smiling. You know why? 528 00:27:30,548 --> 00:27:35,315 Because that's just the kind of happy-go-lucky sluts we are, my man. 44358

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