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Previously on Californication:
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It's time time you stopped this
funny business and went back to school.
3
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No, I'm not doing that.
4
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There's a lot more to being an artist
than just altering...
5
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- ...your consciousness on a daily basis.
- Which is why I'm writing.
6
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- How many pages you got?
- I'm closing in on three hundy.
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I hate you.
8
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:28,802
If I'm gonna do this thing, get me
the guy who wrote the fucking book.
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00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:32,975
- Do what?
- God Hates Us All. I fucking loved it, man.
10
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:34,908
They're turning it
into a Broadway musical.
11
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:37,446
You write the script,
I write the music and lyrics.
12
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Let's make a fucking masterpiece.
13
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:42,717
Congratulations.
You have made it to the next round.
14
00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:46,485
I'll give you one of daddy's long,
slow tongue baths.
15
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:49,290
Men are the enemy.
16
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:51,929
I advocate the use of a cock cage.
17
00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:53,758
Ophelia is gonna be so pissed at me.
18
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,764
We have sex
for the first time in years.
19
00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,925
This is the first thing
to cross your mind?
20
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:02,665
- So how was the fucking fun zone?
- There was this one mom...
21
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,809
- Did you do something with her?
- No.
22
00:01:04,964 --> 00:01:07,342
I'd know that bent
fucking chode anywhere.
23
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,608
- Is that what I think it is?
- Sure is.
24
00:01:11,771 --> 00:01:15,583
- Would you mind taking a look?
- Of course. I'd be honored.
25
00:01:37,897 --> 00:01:40,468
- What are you doing?
- I'm studying your face.
26
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For the truth.
27
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- You hate it.
- That's not true.
28
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Why would you say that?
No. No, no, no.
29
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I can see it on your face.
30
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:56,719
Have you met me, Becca? I could be
hating on a million other things right now.
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00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,485
Thanks.
32
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:02,027
Is it perfect? No, it's not...
33
00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:04,828
but first drafts rarely are, sweetheart.
34
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:07,562
Okay. So, what are your notes?
35
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:13,067
Okay, this is what I would do. I would take
this draft and I would put it in a drawer.
36
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:16,703
It doesn't have to be a real drawer,
it could be a virtual drawer.
37
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,907
Then go out tonight
and celebrate its birth.
38
00:02:19,339 --> 00:02:22,877
You know, hoist an alcoholic beverage
or two. I will join you.
39
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,852
Then in the morning
you shut that drawer and forget about it.
40
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,891
And then you start on the next one.
41
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,595
- The next one?
- Yeah.
42
00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:34,659
What kind of note is that?
43
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,533
A big one?
44
00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:43,896
- So it's a disaster.
- No, I didn't... No, not at all. Not at all.
45
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,035
You don't even think I'm a writer,
do you?
46
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,511
I think you're a writer
if you keep on writing, Becca.
47
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,411
Am I a writer?
48
00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:55,314
Well, I know that when I saw
you read your pages here...
49
00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:57,955
in the coffeehouse,
I was proud of you.
50
00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:01,092
- You saw me?
- Yeah. Yeah, I snuck in...
51
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,693
and then out again unseen.
52
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,454
I asked you not to come.
53
00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:09,065
- I know, but you didn't really mean it.
- Yes, I did.
54
00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:12,927
Well, aren't you secretly
touched that I cared enough...
55
00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:15,038
to disobey your wishes?
56
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,076
Thanks for
the destructive criticism, Dad.
57
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,411
To be continued, sweetheart.
58
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,549
One page at a time.
59
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,076
I'm an asshole.
60
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,970
- Hey.
- Hi, Charlie.
61
00:04:29,135 --> 00:04:32,275
What's up? How come you haven't been
returning my calls, my texts?
62
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:34,315
Yeah, well, I think...
63
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:38,251
that I really took a major step backward
and I disrespected my she-ness.
64
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:39,981
Wait. Your what?
65
00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:42,854
I don't... Your "she-ness"?
66
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,996
I don't know what the fuck that is.
67
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:47,529
Is this about the housewife Hannah thing?
68
00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:51,897
Because I'm sorry, but come on,
you've been to the fun zone, right?
69
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,299
I mean, if somebody,
you know, offered you...
70
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:57,839
an ice cream cone in hell,
wouldn't you take it? You know you would.
71
00:04:57,997 --> 00:05:02,503
- You know what I'm saying?
- His pictures don't do him justice.
72
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:04,979
- Thank you.
- What a worm.
73
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:08,579
- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, you should be, you fucking creep.
74
00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:12,985
Okay, who is she,
and why is she being so mean to me?
75
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,921
Well, this is Ophelia Robins.
76
00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:17,857
Oh, this is Ophelia, the author.
77
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:20,725
I'm... I'm... Hey, congratulations.
78
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,731
Because you've really created
quite a cult for yourself...
79
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,733
with those books out there, right?
80
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:29,237
I'm Charlie Runkle, formerly of UTK.
Very nice to meet you.
81
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:33,605
How dare you offer me
that diseased appendage?
82
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,010
She's very hostile.
83
00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:42,283
Well, I just...
I can't see you anymore, Charlie.
84
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:45,116
- Why?
- Why? You've disrespected this woman...
85
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:48,851
time and time again.
You've had your chance. You blew it.
86
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:52,224
- Go away.
- Wait, I don't know who the fuck you are...
87
00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:56,492
- ...but you have no business telling me...
- How dare you raise your voice to me?
88
00:05:56,656 --> 00:06:00,001
I bet you're one of those guys
who likes to raise his hand to women too.
89
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:01,194
No.
90
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,738
Unless she wants it, because, you know,
there are some women...
91
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:08,504
who sometimes want to be... You know,
a little light slapping now and again.
92
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:11,342
Some even like to have their breasts
slapped a little bit.
93
00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:14,075
God, he's even more of a monster
than I imagined, Marcy.
94
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,719
- Let's go.
- You asked one time.
95
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,981
- Don't.
- You asked me to. Marcy. Marcy.
96
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:20,453
I'll call you.
97
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,960
Jesus.
98
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,293
Schedule the deprogramming.
99
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:34,331
How's the next Broadway smash
coming, buddy?
100
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:36,474
Is it whiskey, weed,
and Zevon time yet?
101
00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:39,075
Almost.
Just hold your bald horses, Charlie.
102
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,870
You're way past deadline, you know.
103
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:43,309
Stu and Atticus were expecting
a draft weeks ago.
104
00:06:43,469 --> 00:06:46,916
Yes, I'm well aware, but I've been busy,
you know, putting them off.
105
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,383
- You're not helping.
- Sorry.
106
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:50,748
Jeez.
107
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:58,758
- How do you feel about it? Is it any good?
- How the fuck should I know?
108
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,625
I do like writing musicals, though.
109
00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:03,495
You just write a few pages,
then somebody breaks into song.
110
00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:06,000
I don't have to worry about that part.
Winning.
111
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,400
I love musicals.
112
00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,438
Really? Since when?
113
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:13,202
High school production
of Guys and Dolls.
114
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,642
The time of my young life.
115
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,341
I fingered a girl for the first time
at the opening night party.
116
00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:21,678
She was incredibly dry, Hank.
117
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:25,722
I think I was hurting her. She cried.
118
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:30,560
Nothing like a sweet,
little Chuck Runkle coming-of-age story...
119
00:07:30,716 --> 00:07:32,992
to make you want
to stab yourself in the dick.
120
00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:34,654
Done. Hit it.
121
00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:40,971
Where's my weed?
122
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,573
- We're out.
- Well, you can't really have whiskey...
123
00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:46,209
weed and Warren Zevon
without the weed.
124
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,112
I know.
I'll pick some up on the way back.
125
00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:53,977
I'm making copies,
and I'm hand-delivering to Atticus and Stu.
126
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,815
Yeah, because that's just the kind
of simple-minded lackey you are.
127
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:01,652
Hank, Karen is here,
and she does not look happy.
128
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,191
What else is new?
129
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,321
Hey.
130
00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:07,587
Peace out, bitches.
131
00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:09,596
What did you say to her?
132
00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:11,632
What did she say I said?
133
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:13,998
She said that you said
it was a piece of shit...
134
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,572
and that she should
throw it out and start again.
135
00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:19,335
That is not what I said, exactly.
136
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,876
Why would you do that?
137
00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:23,912
Why would you be so blunt?
Why do you wanna hurt her feelings?
138
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,846
I didn't want to. I didn't mean to.
She kind of ambushed me.
139
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:29,418
And she does need to throw that out
and start again.
140
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:33,079
It's a good lesson for a young scribe.
Get the bad shit out of your system.
141
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,089
She's ahead of where I was at that age.
142
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:38,422
- Okay, good. So did you tell her that?
- No, I didn't get a chance.
143
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:42,794
She stormed off into a silent treatment,
just like her mom. She gets that from you.
144
00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:44,525
Very effective, works every time.
145
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,364
She stormed off because
you don't know how to talk to her.
146
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,030
I think I know how to talk
to my own daughter, Karen.
147
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:54,008
I don't think you do, because if you did,
she wouldn't be so depressed right now.
148
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,612
She's talking about going to law school.
149
00:08:56,769 --> 00:08:58,442
Really? Awesome.
150
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,548
- That's awesome?
- Yeah.
151
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:03,812
If I can talk her out of being a writer,
she shouldn't be a writer.
152
00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:07,446
Why? Because there's only room
for one writer in this family?
153
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:09,320
- You called us a family.
- Shut up.
154
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:13,085
No, because people who aren't writers
should not be writers, Karen.
155
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:15,858
- Does that make any sense?
- I can understand that.
156
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:18,662
What I don't understand
is how you can be so harsh...
157
00:09:18,824 --> 00:09:20,667
and so mean to someone you love.
158
00:09:20,826 --> 00:09:24,672
You could save that shit
for when you have to go back to teaching.
159
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:27,003
Who's being mean and harsh now?
160
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:30,340
There it is,
storm off into silent treatment.
161
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,014
Must be me.
162
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:50,124
Say, have you met
this Ophelia character?
163
00:09:50,856 --> 00:09:53,234
She is a fucking fruitcake.
164
00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:54,894
I know. She slapped me.
165
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:58,201
You think that's bad?
She had me in a fucking cock cage.
166
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:00,275
What is a cock cage?
167
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:04,882
- It traps your penis in its flaccid state...
- Ladies, enough of your jibber-jabber.
168
00:10:05,037 --> 00:10:08,177
You haven't said anything about
the script. Have you even read it?
169
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,679
I have.
170
00:10:10,843 --> 00:10:13,449
Okay. What'd you think?
171
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,253
It was...
172
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:18,292
very you.
173
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:21,891
- What the fuck does that mean?
- It's a little dark, Hank.
174
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:24,534
Dark is what I do.
That's what you hired me for.
175
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,033
It's a Broadway musical.
176
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:30,231
It's a rock opera, and it's true to the
book, which is what Atticus wanted.
177
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:36,412
Thank you for coming, everybody.
Unfortunately, I have to go in a moment.
178
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:40,881
I'm flying to London to sit down
with Eddie Nero and Sir Bob Geldof.
179
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,078
We're talking about doing this
global-relief-concert thing.
180
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:49,625
It's, you know... Speaking of relief,
this is a fucking disaster.
181
00:10:49,782 --> 00:10:52,092
- What?
- It's shit, Hank.
182
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:55,528
It's a fucking shambles. it's...
183
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,269
- It's bollocks.
- I agree.
184
00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:02,304
Hank, I'm sorry. It needs work.
185
00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:05,738
Yeah, we're really gonna have
to roll up our sleeves on this one.
186
00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:07,571
What the fuck
are you talking about?
187
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:11,078
It's a rock opera with the tone of my book.
That's what you wanted.
188
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,911
I don't even like the fucking book.
189
00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:17,452
You said you loved it.
Remember? On your flying whorehouse?
190
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,783
Yeah, I remember.
But when I said that...
191
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:21,891
- ...I hadn't read it.
- So you lied?
192
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:25,586
I wouldn't look at it like that. I liked
the title. it was quite striking.
193
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:28,960
Titles mean a lot to me, but when
I got around to reading the book...
194
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:30,998
oh, my God, it's so depressing.
195
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:34,764
It's like it's Dickensian,
but not in a good way.
196
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:38,841
The working classes want to leave
a Broadway theater feeling...
197
00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:41,478
the way they feel
when they leave my concerts.
198
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,705
- With tinnitus?
- Happy, uplifted, inspired...
199
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:47,043
- ...preferably a little bit horny.
- Yeah, well, that's very funny...
200
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:50,744
because I'm not feeling very horny
right now, just homicidal maybe.
201
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,982
Hank, we're gonna need you
to burn this draft,
202
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:55,523
Just forget all about it.
203
00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:58,127
Chalk it up to a creative miscarriage.
204
00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:04,097
But when you get up tomorrow,
you take a fresh page...
205
00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:08,204
you put it in your typer,
and you start a new one.
206
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:13,275
One that hews closer
to the tone of the movie.
207
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,875
Can you do that?
208
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:21,116
Otherwise, Aaron Sorkin has expressed
interest in working with Atticus.
209
00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:24,220
- He's quite good, isn't he?
- He's the best in the business.
210
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:27,789
Just ask him.
And he is a big admirer of your work.
211
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,853
- As I am of his.
- This is bullshit.
212
00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:33,856
- You know why, Hank?
- No, why?
213
00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:39,167
Because you can't handle the truth.
214
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,607
That's so good.
215
00:12:58,410 --> 00:13:01,584
You think Hank will be able to pull
a decent draft out of his ass?
216
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:04,751
Sure, sure. Look, it's just...
It's his process, Stu, okay?
217
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:08,296
He brings in something underwhelming,
then he knocks it out of the park.
218
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:11,628
- It's a classic bait-and-switch, that's all.
- Right, right.
219
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,634
And when has he ever
done that exactly?
220
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,238
Know what, enough about Hank.
221
00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:18,599
- I got a confession to make.
- Look, Runkle, I know you are broke.
222
00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:23,179
I'm not going to lend you any money.
Don't be a beggar. It's unbecoming.
223
00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:27,579
- I don't want your fucking money, Stu.
- Okay. Cool.
224
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,651
What is it then?
225
00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:33,082
I slept with Marcy the other night.
226
00:13:34,046 --> 00:13:35,548
You did?
227
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:38,627
You fucking dog. Now I am jealous.
228
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:40,889
Well, good for you, bro. Up high.
229
00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:43,431
I'm still in love with her, Stu.
230
00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:45,034
Me too.
231
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,567
- So, what are we gonna do?
- I don't know what you're going to do...
232
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,936
but I am prepared to write you a check
right this very instant.
233
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:54,873
What? You just said
you would never give me...
234
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:59,779
I will not lend you a fucking dime, but I
will pay you not to pursue Marcy any longer.
235
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:03,352
So how much you want?
Give me a number.
236
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:06,053
I don't want your...
237
00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:11,592
- How much are you willing to pay?
- I would sign over my entire fortune...
238
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:16,130
if it meant I could have that sweet and
sour little firecracker back in my life.
239
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:19,598
Seriously?
240
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:24,841
- This is crazy, Stu.
- No, no, no. It ain't over till it's over.
241
00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:28,001
May the best man win,
and by "best" I mean the richest...
242
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,612
and the most well-hung.
243
00:14:30,469 --> 00:14:33,313
Okay, how do you propose we get past
this Ophelia broad?
244
00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:35,975
She seems determined to cock-block us
at every turn.
245
00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:38,712
- We could have her killed.
- You think?
246
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:42,252
It's just a matter of money.
Now, I don't know a guy...
247
00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:44,587
but I probably know a guy
who knows a guy.
248
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:47,993
Solid plan,
but perhaps a little extreme.
249
00:14:48,153 --> 00:14:52,033
- You know, maybe we talk to Marcy first.
- You're right, Runkle.
250
00:14:52,191 --> 00:14:56,230
And if I know my favorite
pint-sized stoner chick...
251
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:59,865
I bet she is running low on weed.
252
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:12,221
Hank Moody.
253
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,281
Long time no see.
254
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:17,689
- He's been working.
- Good. Good to hear.
255
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,091
Yeah, well, you had a lot
to do with it, lady.
256
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,993
After our weekend in new york...
257
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:25,260
I banged out a draft of that thing
I'm doing with Atticus.
258
00:15:25,791 --> 00:15:27,236
- It's what I do.
- Yeah.
259
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,100
How did it go?
260
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:33,433
I like it. Others, not so much. They're...
261
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:36,045
Well, they're calling it
a creative miscarriage.
262
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,044
- Oh, God, no.
- Yeah.
263
00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:40,308
That is no way to talk about our love baby.
264
00:15:40,472 --> 00:15:43,646
It isn't. And I wanted to ask you
if you might take a read.
265
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,454
Give me your notes.
266
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:49,991
I don't know if you muse types do that
sort of thing, but I'd appreciate it.
267
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:52,060
Of course I do that.
268
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:56,129
- But only if you can handle the truth.
- No, don't use that phrase.
269
00:15:57,489 --> 00:15:58,729
Okay-
270
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:01,602
All right. Yeah.
271
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,103
Grab a drink. I'll read it.
272
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,332
- Thanks.
- Take a swim.
273
00:16:04,496 --> 00:16:06,806
- That sounds pretty relaxing.
- Yeah. Or...
274
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,544
we could have sex.
You seem a little mopey.
275
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,011
Oh, baby.
276
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:15,652
Poor you.
277
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:19,145
Maybe we should combine the two.
278
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:33,598
- Where is it? Hand it over.
- Sit.
279
00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:35,428
Marcy, please.
280
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:36,800
I don't want to sit, Stu.
281
00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:39,806
I want you to give me my weed,
so I can go home and smoke it.
282
00:16:39,965 --> 00:16:41,911
Sit down, Marcy. Just hear us out.
283
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,570
Fuck, I knew that this was
a fucking setup.
284
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:46,717
We are worried about you.
285
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:49,443
This Ophelia broad
has you acting all loopy.
286
00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:52,748
Look, I know she comes off
a little intense...
287
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:57,020
but her heart is in the right place,
and she speaks the fucking truth.
288
00:16:57,182 --> 00:17:01,460
- Marcy, the woman put me in a cock cage.
- You deserved it, Stu.
289
00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:05,124
- You betrayed our love.
- I did, and I will forever be sorry...
290
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:07,964
but at what point can I take
the damn thing off?
291
00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:10,038
- You're still wearing it?
- Yes.
292
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,471
I'm trying to prove I deserve
this woman's love.
293
00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:14,702
- Doesn't it hurt?
- It's excruciating.
294
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,744
Do you have the key, Marcy?
295
00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:22,010
No. Only Ophelia has it, and she's the one
who decides when it comes off.
296
00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:24,176
This is ridiculous.
297
00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:28,784
- I'm still in love with you, Marcy.
- I'm still in love with you.
298
00:17:28,947 --> 00:17:30,585
Yes, but we have a child together.
299
00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:33,923
True, but I am far more
capable of taking care of you...
300
00:17:34,086 --> 00:17:36,692
both financially and sexually...
301
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:41,463
and I know what you are thinking
at all times.
302
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,629
I mean... Okay...
303
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:47,269
look at that pool table over there.
See, I know you are thinking:
304
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:50,505
"Maybe we could play
Jodie Foster in The Accused."
305
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:54,708
We had such fun together, Marcy.
Our bedroom games were so delightful.
306
00:17:54,873 --> 00:17:56,250
See, there you go.
307
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,513
Now, I find that revolting.
308
00:17:58,677 --> 00:18:01,624
But it proves that you're
still in there somewhere.
309
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,488
- I'm going.
- Stay, Marcy.
310
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:06,687
One drink, one drink, one drink.
311
00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:09,765
One drink. One drink.
Just hear a couple of brothers out.
312
00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:11,923
Some appletini to start.
313
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:26,174
What do you think? You hate it, you hate it.
I can tell you hate it. That's all right.
314
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:30,718
And that totally bums me out,
but then you could have pool sex...
315
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:33,880
with me again
and I'll maybe feel a little better.
316
00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:35,919
What do you think?
317
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:38,217
What do I think?
318
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,025
It's very dark.
319
00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:43,633
Dark. Funny.
320
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,029
Funny dark.
321
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:49,161
And I do really get
what you're trying to do as far as...
322
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:52,838
You're doing something really different
with it. I get that.
323
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,835
- But...
- But...
324
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,441
it doesn't have any heart.
325
00:18:59,605 --> 00:19:03,246
And if there is one thing
that I know about you, Hank Moody...
326
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:06,322
it's that you have a huge...
327
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:09,417
heart.
328
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,989
I think that maybe
you were posturing a little bit.
329
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:19,398
You were trying to show the world
that you are not gonna write...
330
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:21,799
some fluffy Broadway musical.
331
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,531
And I think
in the process of doing that...
332
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:30,544
maybe you forgot that it's still a story
of boy meets girl.
333
00:19:30,769 --> 00:19:32,442
You know? It's simple.
334
00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:37,219
I think I get that. I do, I get it.
335
00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:40,218
Anyone can be cynical, Hank.
336
00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:43,183
Dare to be an optimist.
337
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:51,867
You know it's all just a big can
of karmic whoop-ass anyway, you know?
338
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:55,767
Because my daughter,
she just wrote her first novel...
339
00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:58,602
and I was really fucking hard on her.
340
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,444
You have to be really gentle
with those little girls, Hank.
341
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:05,112
God, my parents...
342
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:09,180
they hit me pretty hard
once upon a time. I'm still smarting.
343
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,082
About what? What happened?
344
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,580
Do you know Big Yellow Taxi...
345
00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:15,656
- ...by Joni Mitchell?
- No. No.
346
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:18,590
- No, I don't know any Joni Mitchell songs.
- No? None?
347
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,957
What self-respecting guy knows any?
348
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:50,884
I played that song
at this stupid, little church social.
349
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:55,256
I was obsessed with Joni Mitchell
when I was a teenager.
350
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,798
I wanted to be a lady of the Canyon
when I grew up.
351
00:20:57,956 --> 00:21:00,994
- Me too.
- We have so much in common.
352
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:06,666
And so I got together with this cute boy
who played the guitar...
353
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:11,110
and we practiced every day
after school.
354
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:15,081
And finally, the big day came...
355
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,080
and we played our little hearts out...
356
00:21:19,311 --> 00:21:23,817
and, you know,
he forgot a few chords...
357
00:21:23,982 --> 00:21:26,053
and I forgot a few words...
358
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,960
and my voice cracked and...
359
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:31,760
But people clapped.
360
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,195
And I was so thrilled.
361
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,670
- They kind of loved us.
- Yeah.
362
00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:42,402
And I went looking for my parents and,
of course, all my mom had to say...
363
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,070
was that I looked like a slut up there.
364
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:47,774
And my father said:
365
00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:50,078
"Don-t quit your day job, kid."
366
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,384
Nice, huh?
367
00:21:57,616 --> 00:22:00,290
The whole thing
was not a bust, however.
368
00:22:00,619 --> 00:22:04,931
I lost my virginity
to that cute guitarist.
369
00:22:05,524 --> 00:22:06,628
Yeah.
370
00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:11,136
I think it's becoming a pattern.
371
00:22:37,556 --> 00:22:40,696
Take that, bitches.
372
00:22:43,061 --> 00:22:45,234
- Marcy.
- Oh, my.
373
00:22:45,397 --> 00:22:49,140
I'm so disappointed in you.
I mean, I'm not surprised.
374
00:22:49,301 --> 00:22:53,215
The road to she-ness is long,
and it's paved with potholes.
375
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:57,081
Okay, that just makes no sense at all.
376
00:22:57,242 --> 00:23:00,416
You don't pave with potholes.
You pave over potholes.
377
00:23:00,579 --> 00:23:02,024
It absolutely makes sense.
378
00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:05,821
It's in my third book, Menis to Society.
379
00:23:05,984 --> 00:23:08,328
M-E-N-I-S.
380
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:12,099
Catchy title, and subtle.
381
00:23:12,257 --> 00:23:15,830
And what have you written that's
changed lives, you pathetic, little simian?
382
00:23:16,595 --> 00:23:19,371
Marcy, let's go. I'll drive you home.
383
00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:21,272
Wait one second, Ophelia.
384
00:23:21,433 --> 00:23:24,107
How did you even know
where I was just now?
385
00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:25,748
I tracked your iPhone.
386
00:23:28,306 --> 00:23:30,115
Okay, that's just... What?
387
00:23:30,275 --> 00:23:32,414
That's so fucking weird.
388
00:23:32,577 --> 00:23:35,421
It's not weird. I've seen you
check your email several times.
389
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:38,026
I happen to be very good
at recognizing keystrokes.
390
00:23:38,183 --> 00:23:41,858
And your password is distinctive
and disgusting, and, you know...
391
00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:44,660
that's when I really realized
that we had a problem...
392
00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:47,429
that was just much bigger
than I ever imagined.
393
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:50,596
You're kidding. It's not still...?
394
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:54,232
"ILoveMyHubbysBigFatCock,"
all one word.
395
00:23:54,399 --> 00:23:57,312
Yes, it is. You must be so proud.
396
00:23:57,469 --> 00:24:00,416
I am, and you still care.
397
00:24:00,572 --> 00:24:02,848
I was too lazy to change it.
398
00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:06,387
- Yeah, well, either way, I am thrilled.
- And I'm nauseous.
399
00:24:06,545 --> 00:24:10,857
Marcy, are you ready to come home?
You can spend the night at my house.
400
00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:14,156
Okay, you know what?
I think that you should let Marcy...
401
00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:17,459
embrace her she-ness
and make up her own mind...
402
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:19,465
where she wants to spend the night.
403
00:24:19,624 --> 00:24:21,570
You know, I heartily concur.
404
00:24:21,726 --> 00:24:26,300
Need I remind you, Stu,
that I hold the key to your cock cage.
405
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,776
Do you have it on your person?
I'll write you a check this instant.
406
00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:32,973
This is just ridiculous.
Look, Marcy, you know what, don't worry.
407
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:34,617
We will make sure you get home.
408
00:24:34,773 --> 00:24:38,186
You gonna lay your hands on her now?
You want worse than you got yesterday...
409
00:24:38,343 --> 00:24:40,755
- ...you slimy, little sea otter?
- What you gonna do?
410
00:24:40,912 --> 00:24:43,392
You gonna slap me again
in front of all these people?
411
00:24:46,418 --> 00:24:49,399
Woman, you are a fucking fruitcake!
412
00:24:50,222 --> 00:24:54,170
Oh, my God! Ophelia!
What the fuck is the matter with you?
413
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:56,237
What? It's fine.
I stunned them, you know?
414
00:24:56,394 --> 00:24:58,670
Every woman should have
one of these puppies.
415
00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:01,436
It just totally neutralizes
the height-weight advantage.
416
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,307
I'll get you one. Let's go.
417
00:25:03,468 --> 00:25:06,142
No, man. This is too fucking weird.
You just go.
418
00:25:06,304 --> 00:25:09,251
- You get out of here. Go.
- Marcy.
419
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:13,349
You're gonna regret this.
420
00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:23,257
Jesus. You okay?
What did that feel like?
421
00:25:23,421 --> 00:25:25,662
This table is all wet.
422
00:25:25,824 --> 00:25:29,237
Gross. You pissed your pants, Charlie.
423
00:25:29,394 --> 00:25:31,396
What? No!
424
00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:33,505
Who pissed on my pants?
425
00:25:33,665 --> 00:25:35,303
Who pissed on my pants?
426
00:25:52,150 --> 00:25:54,357
I didn't take you for a book-burner.
427
00:25:54,519 --> 00:25:57,932
What else am I gonna do?
It's a piece of shit.
428
00:25:58,823 --> 00:26:01,702
You might as well
throw another one on the pyre.
429
00:26:02,494 --> 00:26:06,169
- What's that?
- It's the play I was writing with Atticus.
430
00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:09,845
Apparently, it's not very good.
They don't like it very much.
431
00:26:10,135 --> 00:26:11,273
- Really?
- Yeah.
432
00:26:11,436 --> 00:26:13,973
It happens to us literary lions too.
433
00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:18,218
- How does that feel?
- Like getting shanked in prison.
434
00:26:18,610 --> 00:26:20,248
I would imagine.
435
00:26:21,179 --> 00:26:24,183
You know, maybe you
could read it for me...
436
00:26:24,349 --> 00:26:26,022
and give me your thoughts?
437
00:26:26,184 --> 00:26:28,460
Why would you want my thoughts?
I'm not a writer.
438
00:26:28,620 --> 00:26:30,497
Becca, you wrote a fucking novel.
439
00:26:30,655 --> 00:26:33,659
Do you know how amazing that is?
Nobody your age is doing that.
440
00:26:33,825 --> 00:26:37,102
They're too busy texting,
tweeting and Facebooking...
441
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:39,708
feeling entitled to a life
they don't want to work for.
442
00:26:39,864 --> 00:26:42,401
Way to slam an entire generation, Dad.
443
00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:44,474
Thank you.
444
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:48,577
And I'm sorry that you stormed off...
445
00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:51,721
before I could give you
my notes, you know?
446
00:26:52,043 --> 00:26:54,250
You know what I really dug
about your work...
447
00:26:54,412 --> 00:26:57,621
was the relationship
between the daughter...
448
00:26:57,782 --> 00:26:59,523
and the asshole father.
449
00:26:59,684 --> 00:27:03,393
I mean, obviously you took
a lot of creative license there,
450
00:27:03,555 --> 00:27:05,296
But it felt authentic to me.
451
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:10,031
And I think, if you flesh it out,
you could maybe turn it into a novella.
452
00:27:10,195 --> 00:27:12,402
- You think so?
- I do.
453
00:27:12,931 --> 00:27:15,775
And I'm sorry
that you walked away from me...
454
00:27:15,934 --> 00:27:18,847
thinking that I didn't think
you were special, because I do.
455
00:27:19,004 --> 00:27:20,847
I think you're so special.
456
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,452
And I hope you don't go to law school
because I don't think that's you...
457
00:27:25,610 --> 00:27:29,023
and I don't think
the world needs another lawyer.
458
00:27:29,180 --> 00:27:31,683
I'm not sure it needs
another writer either.
459
00:27:31,850 --> 00:27:34,387
Yeah, maybe not, but if you're doing...
460
00:27:34,552 --> 00:27:39,934
what you were born to do,
then that's a good thing, you know?
461
00:27:41,092 --> 00:27:42,969
- I guess.
- Yeah.
462
00:27:43,128 --> 00:27:45,165
Anybody can be cynical.
463
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:47,666
Dare to be an optimist.
464
00:27:49,067 --> 00:27:51,047
Who are you right now?
465
00:27:51,536 --> 00:27:54,016
Just your asshole father. Who else?
466
00:27:55,774 --> 00:27:56,946
Okay.
467
00:27:58,209 --> 00:28:00,246
I'll think about my next move.
468
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:03,755
In the meantime, I'll read this.
469
00:28:06,151 --> 00:28:09,223
But I'm going to be brutal
with my thoughts, Dad.
470
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:13,131
I think you need some help
reaching a younger demographic.
471
00:28:13,291 --> 00:28:15,362
Fuck the younger generation.
472
00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:17,105
I just like you.
38780
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