All language subtitles for Californication S06E07 [1080p] [x265] [pseudo]

Previously on Californication:

He gave me a ride
because I spent the night at his place.

- What's his name?
- Ross.

- What's your poison?
- Heroin, coke, booze, speed.

A little bit of everything, really.

And there's all the fucked-up sexual shit
that goes with it.

- How do you know about Becca's thing?
- We keep in touch.

- She's always asking me about writing.
- She never asks me about writing.

Okay, hi.

- I'm here to see Natalie.
- Natalie's my wife.

Natalie said, "Let the new designer in."

Okay, that's me.

I don't want to twist your arm,
but I'd like to take your hand here...

and shove it up my skirt.

If you're gonna die, wouldn't you rather
die with your dick in my bum?

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die doing
what I was born to do.

This is it. This is the moment
we've been waiting for.

I'm shitting genius right now.

- Hank, we gotta go!
- Do you guys mind if I crash here?

Do some writing?
Maybe have a few people over?

Whatever you need.
Congratulations.

You have made it to the next round.

Home sweet...

Holy Moses.

What the fuck? Hank?

Jesus guide me!

All the furniture
is in the bedroom, Hank.

- Just the tip.
- No.

- Come on.
- No. Get a condom.

- Is that Becca?
- Just like five seconds. Four seconds.

She looks good, Hank.

- She's grown up.
- I'll kill you.

- She's very well-developed.
- I will fucking kill you.

You know chlorine kills 99.9 percent
of the sperm, right?

It's true.

Okay, fine. I'll get a condom, jeez.

- Hey, Hank! What's up?
- Hey, man.

Dad!

Hi, Becca.

- You didn't have to hit him.
- No, I didn't have to. I wanted to.

He could sue you.

Yeah, but then I'd have to cut off his dick
and feed it to the homeless.

You know what?
I still haven't heard you say you're sorry.

Am I sorry for messing up Charlie's place?
Yes, and I will clean it up.

But am I sorry for throwing a killer party
and having an awesome time?

Absolutely not.

- This is becoming a problem, Becca.
- I'm not sure I agree.

Give me that.

Great, now you have to buy me
a new one.

- No, I don't.
- Then you won't be able...

to get in touch with me.
I could be holed up in a crack den...

- ...you wouldn't be able to track me.
- I don't like you very much right now.

- Do you like her very much right now?
- No.

What's the big deal?
You drank all the time.

Not all the time.

- You smoke pot.
- When it's around.

It's not like I have one of those magic
marijuana cards or anything, right?

Do you use cocaine?

I have experimented with the drug
you call cocaine.

Along, long time ago,
in a galaxy far, far away...

- ...in my misspent youth.
- That's a lie.

Well, sometimes it's important
to lie to children.

- This is not a very good talk.
- No, it's not.

Bottom line is you're making
some questionable choices right now.

Says the queen
of questionable choices.

Hey! Be respectful of your mother's
questionable choices.

Look, I respect you both. Always.

My home life has been chaotic,
to say the least.

But I've always kept it together.

- You guys had it easy with me.
- Agreed.

But you can't expect us to ignore the fact
that you're out of control right now.

- Yeah, yeah, what she said.
- But I'm having so much fun.

- I'm partying like a rock star.
- Okay, enough of this jibber-jabber.

No more lectures. Let's take this
shit into the field. Come on.

Let's go.

What up, Runks? What is...? What?

- Okay, what the fuck is that?
- What...? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Look, I just...
I had an experience recently...

- Yeah, like a gay thing? I heard.
- No, no, I'm totally straight now.

Didn't you hear?

No. I heard that you got fired again.

Well, yes, that was unfortunate. But...

Are you trying to get out of your
child support payments or something?

- A bow.
- Is that...? Stop it.

No! No, never.

- God, I got a new job. A good job.
- Yeah.

I do still wonder
why I have to pay you...

to care for a child that you named
after your second husband.

- That still does not sit well with me.
- He's your son, Charlie.

I know. And I love him to death.
And that's what I'm here about, really.

Because I had a life-or-death experience
recently. And it really clarified things...

for me, Marcy. It focused things.

And I thought I would really like...

to spend the day
with you and little Stu.

Well, that's great. You're welcome
to spend the day with Stu...

and I will go shopping.

That works too.
Happy to lighten your load.

- What?
- I don't know.

I just know you're working
some kind of angle here.

No, Marcy, scout's honor.
I have no angle. I am angle-free.

That's bullshit, because we all know
your dick's all bent.

- Thanks for reminding me.
- That's what I'm here for.

Just keeping it real, Runkle.

- I'm just glad you're thinking about it.
- All right!

Stuart!

I know all this "partying like a rock star"
stuff looks like fun...

but this shit eventually
turns on you.

You wanna know what a real rock star
looks like? It ain't pretty.

Hank. Friend.

I missed you.

And you brought your family with you.

- Yes.
- Is that your child?

Becca.

Hello, child.

- Hi.
- She speaks English.

And Karen. Hello, Karen!

- Hey.
- I had a dream about you.

Did I tell you? I was standing on the
stage, and I spied you in the front row.

And I was enchanted
by your preternatural beauty.

So I focused all my energy on you...

and I made you have an orgasm
just by looking at you.

- How do you know she wasn't faking it?
- It was my fucking dream.

Oh, God. I'm feeling something.

- I think it's bouncing off...
- Shut the fuck up.

Come on, I've got someone to introduce
you to. He's a big fan of yours.

- And mine.
- You see what I mean?

Hank, Karen, child...

I would like you to meet
the poet and philosopher:

Holy shit, that's...

- ...Marilyn Manson.
- Marilyn Manson.

We're talking about doing
a duet together.

Maybe a tour of the states.
That would be really something.

I'm just here for the narcotics.

He kids.

- Not really.
- He does...

Hey, listen, I brought Becca
here because I want...

- Becca? Who's Becca?
- My daughter.

- Oh, the child.
- Yeah. She's recently discovered...

the joys of substance abuse
and I want to disabuse her of the notion...

that it won't hurt her
in the long run.

Why would you do that?

Because I love her,
and I don't want her to OD...

before she's of legal drinking age.
Can you help a brother out?

Absolutely.

I've done quite a few anti-drug PSAs
in my time.

Some of them sober, even.

- Hank Moody?
- Marilyn Manson.

I'm a fan of your words.

I'd be honored if you came
and did some narcotics with me.

This is so fucking cool.

Yeah, it is fucking cool.

I know, I see you inside the mouth.
That's right, I know.

What the...?

Braden! I'm so sorry.

- You're new here.
- Yeah, I am.

Yeah, it kind of makes you want
to eat a shotgun, huh?

You said it, sister.

- I'm Tricia.
- Hi. Charlie.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm Braden, Aidan and Jaden's mom.

- Yeah.
- You're making me feel lazy.

I just have the one.

Don't do that, Stuie.
No, not in your mouth!

- Okay.
- Are you married?

- Divorced.
- Yeah.

- You?
- Married. Twenty-three years.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You don't look old enough
to be married that long.

Thank you. That's sweet.

My husband and I
are high school sweethearts.

- That is so cool.
- Well...

- And inspiring...
- Don't do that. No.

- ...to make it work for so long.
- Yeah.

It's work. It is, actually. Hard work.

I see you, Stu.

I don't know. You gotta
be just best friends...

and keep it fresh somehow.

- Absolutely.
- Yes.

You gotta tell me your secret sometime.

Would you want to get the kids
together for a play date?

- Yeah, sure, I guess.
- Yeah.

Put your phone number in here,
and I'll text you sometime.

- Okay. Here you go.
- Perfect.

I'm sorry. Is this from you?

Why are you apologizing?
Just give me five minutes.

Well, what about the kids?

Don't be such a fucking pussy.
They're fine.

Stuie, Daddy has to go...

Just stay inside the dragon,
okay, Stuie?

In the mouth.

I love doing drugs.

Hey, that sounds like something
you would say, Dad.

Yeah, as a joke, maybe.

Here's the thing, child.
Some of us are Keith Moon...

and some of us are Keith Richards.

And you don't know
which one you are...

until you end up in a coffin
or in an old people's home.

That's comforting. Thank you.

Here's something they don't tell you.
Rampant sexual behavior...

drug use, et cetera...

you will end up with AIDS.

Well, no, they do tell you that, actually.

Well, I wish they would have told me,
because I have AIDS now.

I'm just fucking kidding.
Why are you guys so serious?

Christmas. I want AIDS.

Should we just say
this whole thing backfired...

- ...and get the fuck out of here? Now?
- Listen, Moody.

Love your words, much respect.
But I like your taste in women better.

She's a handsome one, isn't she?

I had a dream about her last night.

I made her come just by looking at her.

You guys aren't together anymore, right?
So is it cool if I...?

Do not start with me, Marilyn Manson,
or we will tussle.

You want to tussle with me?
Seriously, you wanna tussle?

- Tussle!
- I'll tussle with you.

Dad, don't fight with Marilyn Manson.
He's one of my heroes.

Hear that, Dad? Fucking hero.

Okay, okay, well... Please, let's just
steer this shit back around, all right?

Now, I put it to the esteemed panel.
Is it possible to make great art...

without killing yourself? I say yes.

Me too!

Totally possible.

But drugs just make it more fun.

I like this chick.

I need to urinate and possibly vomit.

- Come on.
- Here, look.

- Becca, come on.
- Please just stay here and make sure...

- ...she doesn't ingest anything.
- Let's get the fuck out of here now.

These guys are a fucking mess.
She's gonna get it.

- Eventually. Just let her. She will.
- She's loving it.

Mom, take a picture.

Are you kidding me?

- That you, Charlie?
- Yep.

- What took you so long?
- Well, I, you know...

I was in the ladies', sorry.
I guess I misunderstood.

Well, get on in here.

Tricia! Looking good.

All right, well.

Well, I gotta tell you,
this is already way better...

than my last naughty
bathroom experience.

I'm not Tricia right now.
I'm Hannah.

Okay. Is that like
a multiple personality thing, or...?

No, silly, it's my website. Yeah,
Housewife Hannah? You do know it?

- I don't think so.
- Funny. I took you for a big porn guy.

- I am. Oh, is it a pay site?
- It sure is.

That's what it is. I don't really like
to pay for my porn. It's a thing.

Okay. Stop talking.

I'm gonna need you
to film this for me.

- Film what, exactly?
- I'm gonna suck your dick...

and you're gonna film it. Then you're
gonna give me a big messy facial.

That's my thing.
That's what I'm known for. Yeah.

In fact, the messier, the better.
Just get it all over my glasses and shit.

- That's what the fans love.
- Okay, this is a good shot right there.

You're gonna want to put this on.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You don't want to show your face, right?
- Oh, probably not.

- Good idea.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Has anyone else worn...?
- Put the fucking mask on.

- It doesn't matter. Okay, yeah, yeah.
- Just put the mask on. Chop, chop.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Like that?

- Does it look good?
- It's fine. All right.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

All right, let's do this.

- Get that cock out.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, and remember,
on my face, okay?

- Okay.
- You listening?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Are you listening?

Yeah. Okay...

- God, yeah.
- Yeah.

Dude!

What the fuck?

My God, you just wasted your load.
You're supposed to shoot it on my face.

Well, the whole situation.
It's very exciting.

- Wanna go again? I could do better.
- No, no, forget it.

Just get the fuck out of here,
you loser.

Give me my mask.

Like, now.

God. Go.

You wanna know the secret
to a good marriage?

Listen to her every once in a while.
Is that so fucking hard?

- Do you still wanna do the play date?
- No.

Hey, stud.

Oh, dear.

- I knew you wouldn't stay away for long.
- I'm here with my daughter.

I brought her here to teach her about
the perils of drug and alcohol abuse.

- How's that working out for you?
- Not well. Not well at all.

Have you had the tour?

- Oh, I don't believe I have.
- So many rooms.

So many nooks and crannies.

So many places to curl up
and get lost.

I don't think I'd wanna get lost.
In fact, I should probably get back...

to the war room
before somebody gets pregnant.

- Hey.
- Yes.

Did you know Atticus collects
medieval torture devices?

No, I did not, but that revelation
does not particularly surprise me.

- Do you know what a breast ripper is?
- I do not, but it's pretty self-explanatory.

And nasty.

It tore to shreds the breasts of women
that were convicted of adultery.

Why, why?
Why ruin a perfectly good breast?

- That doesn't make any sense.
- Oh, you're sweet.

- Thank you.
- Oh, no, no, no. I didn't mean yours.

- Oh, you don't think they're lovely?
- Oh, no, they're killer.

You've got beautiful cans.
It's just that it's inappropriate...

to talk about another man's breasts.
You know what I mean?

- I'll decide what's inappropriate.
- I am not sure that you should.

- Touch them.
- Oh, no, I'm good.

Come on, you don't want
to touch them?

All right, maybe just one. Just...

Oh, God.

It's just been so long since I was groped
by capable hands.

Karen. Just a breast exam.

You know, checking for lumps?

I think you're okay. You should be fine.
I'll do the same for you.

Anytime, anywhere. You know I will.

Yeah. So Marilyn Manson's trying
to get your daughter and I...

- ...into a threesome right now.
- Oh, that's my cue.

Okay, Becca, I get it. I give up.
All right, this is way too much fun.

If I was your age
and this was happening to me...

I would tell my parents
to fuck off and die too.

My father would punch me in the mouth,
but that's another story...

so we're gonna leave.

We're gonna leave you
to have fun with your hero.

- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Mom, Dad, easy, come on.

I'm gonna take care of the girl.
Look at this face. Come on.

The girl's gonna be fine.
We're gonna make some s'mores...

and tell ghost stories,
talk about our favorite serial killers.

I'll have her home by dawn, I swear.

Becca, take a picture of me tea-bagging
before he wakes up.

No more, Manson.

No more balls, Manson.

Too many balls.

Get off me.

- Daddy?
- Yes, my boy?

Where did you go today?

What do you mean?

You were in the bathroom
for a very long time.

Oh, yeah.

Those chicken fingers gave Daddy
a bad tummy.

I had to make big potty.

Good night, Mommy.
Good night, Daddy. I love you.

Oh, buddy.

Good night, baby.

He's so happy.

Because this is the way
it's supposed to be.

He should fall asleep
like this every night.

Yeah, that's a nice little fairy tale,
Charlie.

But it's not the reality of his life.

Maybe it should be.

Why can't we make it so, for him?

Because the people who made him...

weren't meant to be together.

- Are you sure about that?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

I think I have the divorce papers
to prove it.

Okay, you know what?
I've made certain mistakes, Marcy.

You've made certain mistakes.

Maybe it's time we just get past
all that already and start to get real.

Yeah, like it's just that easy.

Well, maybe it is.

I still love you, Marcy.

What?

- Why are you telling me this?
- I don't know. It just came out.

- Well, keep that shit to yourself.
- I can't.

Because when I feel something,
I like to express it.

Good for you.

But I'm done with you.
I'm done with Stu.

I'm done with men.

Real...? So, what,
you're into women now?

No, you jackass.

Gross.

Stop it.

You're gonna wake the boy.

Okay, this is stupid. I can't stand it.
I'm going in!

- It's gotta be her decision.
- No. I'm going in.

- She'll be out in a minute.
- What happens if he has abducted her...

and he is selling her
into sex trafficking?

He's a rock star, Karen,
not a sex trafficker.

- He could be both.
- Quick, let's go. He's looking for me.

He wants me to film him
pooping on Atticus.

- That's my line.
- That's my girl.

So, what have we learned today, folks?

I think we've learned
that some things never change.

Well, that sounds a bit pointed, lady.
What do you mean by that?

Everything I learned, I already knew.

I know you guys love me.
I know you care.

I know drugs are good and bad
and dangerous and fun.

I know those guys are lunatics.
I'm never going to be like that.

I'm just trying to figure it out
for myself.

And I know that's scary for you guys,
but you're just going to have to trust me.

Can you do that?

I suppose so.

Well, you don't exactly leave us
with much choice.

Great. Well, I'm glad
we got that settled.

- I'm gonna hang in my room.
- Security check.

Did you pack your bag
yourself, ma'am?

Oh, I see.

What?

And that you can keep.

Really?

- Good night.
- I will make sure this goes...

directly into police evidence.

- Nightcap?
- No.

- Recap?
- No. What? Recap what?

Your asinine plan to educate
our daughter on the perils of drug abuse?

Okay, well maybe my plan didn't
go exactly according to plan...

but maybe it did.
Maybe I'm a genius.

Or maybe we just went up there
so you could see her.

Who, Natalie?

Oh, God. Karen.

- Why are you shitting where I eat?
- That's disgusting.

That's disgusting?
What, like your hands all over her...

- She practically forced me to do it.
- Really?

Yes, and who am I to pass up
a perfectly pleasant boob grab?

It was my hostess.
It would have been rude for a guest to...

Are you jealous?

No. No, I'm not.

I'm pissed. I'm pissed
because you're screwing up...

the only job I have right now.

Karen, the woman is practically
hurling herself at me.

She's unhappy, I guess.
It's like a freak show over there.

Who can blame her?
And, apparently, I'm a real man...

from the real world.

Right. So you're the perfect guy
to ease her pain and suffering.

It's not my fault. It's like I emit
this strange kind of homing beacon...

- ...for these malcontents.
- You're amazing.

I don't want to have anything
to do with her, Karen...

which makes sense, because the person
I want to have everything to do with...

wants nothing to do with me.

Oh, good.
Well, we agree on something.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh, my God.

- Ophelia's gonna be so pissed at me.
- Ophelia.

We have sex for the first time in years...

and this is the first thought
to cross your mind?

So...

how was it for you?

- It was okay.
- Okay?

Well, that's a start, I guess.

It was familiar...

in a not-entirely unpleasant way.

And you lasted almost long enough
for Mommy to get hers.

I know, how cool was that, right?

I think it's because I blew
some serious yolk already today.

- Gross. Where?
- Here.

In the shower. It's my daily ritual.
You remember.

Yes.

So how was the fucking fun zone?

Oh, I found it seriously frightening.

- I know.
- But there was this one mom...

Tricia.

- Yeah, how did you know?
- Because everybody knows about Tricia.

She tries to fuck all the dads.

She's got this website.
It's called Housewife Hannah.

Wait.

- Did you do something with her?
- No.

God.

Okay. Here, check this out.

Oh, my God. Jesus.

Look at that guy.
He's such a fucking tool.

Then you're gonna give me
a big messy facial.

- All over my glasses.
- Oh, Jesus .

I'd know that bent
fucking choad anywhere.

Nice.

Oh, God.

Dad.

Daughter.

Is that what I think it is?

It sure is.

- Would you mind taking a look?
- Of course.

I'd be honored.

- It's quite the weighty tome.
- Words, words, words.

Congratulations, sweetie.

You know, whether it's good, bad,
or somewhere in between...

this is a huge accomplishment.
Huge.

Why would you assume it's bad?

Spoken like a true writer.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Just for a moment there, it was...

like everything was all right
in the world again.

Seemed like old times.

- I love you, Dad.
- I love you too, sweetheart.

- Be careful, okay?
- I will, Dad.

I promise.

And thanks for a great time today.