All language subtitles for Californication S06E03 [1080p] [x265] [pseudo]

Previously on Californication:

This better not be an intervention.

You gotta get your ass to rehab.

Why are you here? Why are you
wasting our time?

Maybe you're just an asshole.

Your friend Charlie said
you drank your own urine.

Hank Moody.

Is that Atticus Fetch?

Let's make a fucking masterpiece.
What do you say?

Are you high right now?

It was an incredible opportunity.

- I didn't want to miss out.
- When can you start?

I have the job?

What do you do in the real world?

I traverse the globe
in the company of musicians.

- You're a groupie.
- I prefer "muse."

I woke up with the most gifted
guitar player, but he was dead.

Do you want to get high?

Look, could I stand
to lose a few pounds?

Sure, I'm a big boy, I get it.

But addicted to food?
That's just fucking gay.

Gay, man. No offense, but it's gay.
I eat because I like the taste.

If I didn't like the taste of it,
I wouldn't eat it.

You know what I'm talking about,
sweetheart, right?

But wasn't a trip
to the emergency room...

what brought you here?
Chest pains?

Bullshit. That was a panic attack,
not a heart attack.

It was a panic attack
brought on by that shrill voice...

of that fucking mother of mine:
"You're too fat. You're gonna die.

You're too fucking fat to do anything.
You're too fat to work the snow blower."

Fuck her. She's the reason
I'm in here, you understand?

They took an EKG on me,
all right?

I got the heart of a teenager.

A morbidly obese teenager.

Come on. Don't be so sensitive.

Faith.

Do you know what time it is?

It's time to get real.

Share with us.

Well...

as many of you know...

the other day I woke up
next to a guy...

I was pretty fucking fond of,
and he was dead.

So tears were shed,
boos were fucking hoo'd...

and it sucks to be me.

- And that led to the drugs and alcohol.
- No, not really.

Been on pretty good terms
with drugs and alcohol.

Hallelujah! Preach on, sister.

You know what I think, Faith?

I think you need to go
and say good-bye to this man.

Too late.
Funeral's happening as we speak.

Then you should be there.

That would be a pretty serious
breach of groupie etiquette.

Well, not healing thyself,
that's a serious breach of human etiquette.

Bibles of truth, Gabe.
As-salaam alaikum, my brother.

I'm sorry.

You should go, Faith.
Pay your respects. Say goodbye.

The weight will lift off your chest
and you will be able to soar again.

That's all well and good,
it really is...

but I can't just show up there
all alone.

I mean, the chick
who rolls up solo to a funeral...

is usually the one
who was fucking the dead guy.

Hey, the answer is yes, sweetheart.

I'll be your date, any time.
Here's the thing.

Can we stop by an In-N-Out Burger
on the way? I'm fucking famished.

- Hank?
- Yes, Gabe?

- I think that you should go with Faith.
- Oh, gosh.

I would totally love to,
but funerals kind of bum me out.

It would be a good test to go out into
the real world, see if you can stay sober.

- I don't see why I would.
- Well, I think you should try.

Tell me the truth, Gabe.
You just want me...

out of your hair for the day,
is that right?

- Yes.
- That shit is cold.

I'm just saying.

Fuck sticks. I guess a field trip...

does sound kind of good to me
right about now. Okay.

Can I bring anything back
for you damaged fuckers?

Some coke? Some heroin?
Some Pink Dot?

If you go to Pink Dot,
get me some bonbons or a double dog.

And don't tease me, pretty boy.

I'll fucking lay you out, right?

Nothing.

Man-on-man sex is intriguing,
yes, but not arousing.

That's very interesting.

It's... it's...

It's okay, Charlie.

It was bound to happen
sooner or later, buddy.

It's okay, I support you.
In fact, I am proud of you.

No, Hank, no. I was just...
I was testing myself...

because I'm in a pickle, Hank.
It's a big, gay pickle.

I'm sure it is,
my bald bromosexual...

and I support you no matter
how many dudes you plow.

I just gotta grab a suit.

- What are you doing out of rehab?
- I got a funeral.

- What? Who died?
- A guy I was seeing.

Faith, Charlie. Charlie, Faith.
Charlie is my bald, gay agent.

Lovely to meet you, Faith.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I'm not gay.
Is there anything I can do?

No. Thank you, Charlie.
That's very sweet.

It's true what they say.
Gay men are more sensitive.

Gonna need the Porsche too.

But I've got a big, gay meeting today.

I believe funeral trumps
big, gay Hollywood meeting...

- ...don't you think?
- Depends whose funeral, I think.

- Dead rock star.
- Oh, okay. Yeah. Sorry. Take the car.

Thanks, Charlie.

Now you can
get back to your gay porn.

Oh, yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Is Krull around?
- That depends. Are you on the list?

Most definitely not, my good sir, but
Krull, the tour manager should be around.

- He'll vouch for me
- Sure, sure.

But maybe I can vouch for you.

Maybe we can make this whole
thing beneficial for both of us.

I mean, I want to get it in,
you want in,

How bad you want it?
Talk to me.

Really, dude? At a funeral?
Have you no shame?

Are we gonna go behind a tombstone?
You believe this fucking guy?

- I won't suck his dick to get you in there.
- Don't knock it till you try it.

- Blowjobs open doors.
- Bitch.

Okay, you know what? Move it along,
groupie, and take him with you.

You watch your tongue,
you filthy mongrel.

This is Faith. All right?

Have a look and grasp
the cosmic importance...

of this lovely, young lady.

Without her
there'd be no rock 'n' roll.

Get it? Got it?

Good, now, fuck off, fatty.

Krull, come here.

Thank you, you're the best.

Anything for you, love.
Who's the civilian?

Hank. Krull, Hank.

Krull. Right on.

- Good to meet you.
- One dead rock star...

now we're dating geezers
from the real world?

Does he look like
he's from the real world?

And do I look like I date?
He's a friend.

- Frenemy, really.
- Yeah.

What you doing here?
You're not playing nice.

I came to pay my respects.

I love you, babe, I really do,
but you know what I mean?

It's inappropriate, you being here.
It's his old lady.

Come on, Krull, I'll be in and out.

No monkey business, I promise.
Please, don't make me beg.

- You promise.
- Scout's honor.

- All right. Kruller, coming through.
- Not you, pal.

All right, no plus one.

Good night. Good night.

Hello, hello.

Kiss on the head.

Gotta say, Charlie,
I don't know how I feel...

about my new agent
showing up in a cab.

Sorry, sorry.
The Porsche is in the shop.

Don't worry. Charlie will get a big raise.
He'll be able to afford a second car.

- I'm getting a raise?
- You bet, buddy.

Partners talked about it.
You're going places, Dorothy.

- I got a question for you.
- Yeah, what's that?

How many dicks
have you sucked today?

Sadly, it has been
a dick-free day thus far.

Charlie. Doesn't have to be that way.

- Have you tried Grindr?
- I don't believe I have.

You'd know.

It's an app.
Here, give me your phone.

It's amazing, Charlie.
It uses your GPS.

Anywhere you are, you can
find a guy who's ready to fuck.

Steve Jobs. Respect.

There you go. You're all set.
You're the "Bald Bear."

Great.

Okay, Robbie.

You're clean, you're sober,
let's get you back in the game, huh?

Let's remind this town
how fucking good you really are.

All right,
I got three scripts here.

Any one of them
would be a killer move.

This one, a remake of Cruising.

- That's an interesting idea.
- It's a fucking hot idea is what it is.

Script gave me a raging boner.

Me too.

There you go.
Your first dick of the day.

- What?
- Go for it. You deserve it.

No, no, no.

I'm good, I'm good, yeah.
See, I just beat off this morning.

Yeah, should carry me
right through lunch.

Charlie, would you rather beat off...

or get your dick sucked
by a 21-year-old...

who just skipped out of Crunch?

- I see your point.
- Charlie, I insist.

The client insists, Charlie.

Now, go get your dick sucked
by a stranger.

Miss you, broheme.

I got the feeling this is the kind
of shindig you would dig, you know?

Howdy.

Howdy yourself.

I'm the widow.

Shitness. My condolies,
and whatnot. I'm Hank.

- How do you know my husband?
- I didn't. I didn't. I'm here with a friend...

and visiting with another friend.

- You know what the weird thing is, Frank?
- Hank.

My husband's dead and I'm numb.

- It's not so weird.
- I just want to feel something.

- You know? Anything.
- It's understandable.

I'm going through a similar thing.

- I totally understand...
- Shut up.

You'll do.

Have you got a few minutes,
Frank?

- Well...
- Because I'd really love...

to gob your knob.

Well, anything
in your time of need. Come on.

Look at this. Hello.

Brilliant.

Hey.

Hey. Could you...?

Could you give us a few minutes here?

- What the fuck, dude?
- Can you give me a few minutes?

- All right, it's your field trip too.
- Come here, come here.

It was very nice to meet you.

- So nice to meet you. Brilliant.
- I'm so sorry for your loss.

Not as sorry as I am, my love.

Apparently,
he is not as sorry as I am.

You.

- Me?
- You look familiar.

- I don't believe we've met.
- No, I don't believe we have.

You were on the road with him,
weren't you?

Oh, you mean big Dave
in lighting?

- Yeah, well, you know, Bingo Starr.
- Give me a break.

You're way too hot
for the lighting guy.

Well, thank you.

No, I remember you.

I remember, the record company
threw some kind of a party.

Was it Greenville?
Maybe, I don't remember.

But you were sort of hanging around.

There was entirely
way too much eye contact...

- ...between the two of you.
- I don't know what you're talking about.

He was never gonna leave me,
you know. Ever.

Well, wasn't gonna
write a song about you, either.

Is that what he told you?
That he wrote a song about you?

How cute!

What was that ballad from
his last record, Frank? Help me.

I never listen to...

What was it? "Faith"?

I bet you think that
song's about you, don't you?

- Guess I'm just that vain.
- Faith.

Oh, boy.

Listen, it's all just rock 'n' roll, right?

You think I give a fuck about
all his road whores?

I'm the one he came home to.

Thought they had an understanding.
Sorry, I just...

I may not be a nun,
but I'm no whore.

Keep telling yourself that, sweetie.

And by the way,
our bulldog's name is Faith.

Fuck.

You know, all things considered,
that could've gone a lot worse.

Fuck.

God, the last thing
I wanted to do was upset her, and...

- I know.
- Just seeing him all laid out like that...

it's just too much, you know?

He even had on this necklace.

His cross.

It was my favorite, and he knew it.

He gave it to me
the night before he died.

I got rushed out of there. I didn't take it
with me. Now it's gone forever.

That's the problem
with this open casket shit.

In what universe is seeing
a dead person a good thing?

Shit is fucked up.

- Come on, let's just get out of here.
- Back to rehab. Really?

No, I need a drink, maybe ten,
then back to rehab.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- What are you doing?
- Something idiotic, I'm sure.

If I'm not back in ten minutes,
blow someone to find me.

Right on, Bald Bear.

- Let's do this.
- Hold on a second.

Hold on a second. Hold on a second.
I have a confession to make.

I'm not really a homosexual man.

So you wanna play this straight?
That's your game?

Whatever, dude,
I just wanna get my dick sucked.

As you should. I totally understand,
and you're entitled.

I'm pro-gay. I'm pro-sexuality
in any form, any form.

And I really respect and admire
the way you guys are using technology...

to get your rocks off
in the middle of the day.

But me, myself, I'm not gay.

I just... I got myself in the middle
of a huge misunderstanding. Huge.

- "Misunderstanding."
- Don't do that. Yes, I sort of...

led a prospective client
to believe I was gay...

because that's what
he was looking for in an agent.

He wanted a "gaygent."

So you're pretending to be gay
for career advancement?

That's really offensive, dude.

Robbie Mac is a brave man. He's one
of the first fully-out movie stars.

I know. He's incredible.
A real trailblazer.

What if I marched out there
and told him what you just told me?

What if I paid you not to?

Forgive me, father, for I am about to
purloin some shit off a dead man.

What the fuck do you think
you're doing?

I'm just paying respects
to a fallen hero.

- You kissed him.
- Yeah, I was overcome with emotion.

He was my best friend.
A childhood mate.

If anyone's gonna plant lips
on him, it should be me, or his wife.

Yeah, you're right,
it was a miscalculation.

Wait a second.

You're that cheeky fucker who
threw up all over my baby grand...

and ruined my cocaine, the writer...

- ...who's not a fan of mine.
- Well...

- What the fuck are you doing here?
- I'm a big fan.

- Big fan.
- So you're a fan of his but not of mine?

He's a brilliant fucking guitar player.

And I'm not brilliant
in my own regard?

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to be a front man?

The pressure that's on me to entertain
millions of working-class citizens...

and constantly reinvent myself
and maintain my beautiful...

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, it's peachy.

- It's peachy.
- This arrogant fucking wanker...

- ...is trying to bugger our dead friend.
- Maybe we should bugger him.

- I don't think anybody should bugger...
- This is my fault.

He was just trying
to get my necklace back.

You're stealing from a dead man?

- Technically, yes.
- No. Tony gave it to me, okay?

- It's the only thing he ever gave me.
- Faith, you need to hit the road, love.

Wait a second. This is Faith?

- Yes.
- It is a pleasure to meet you, sweetheart.

Tony talked about you all the time.

He said you had an uncanny ability
to suck killer riffs out of him.

What the fuck is this
skanky skank still doing here?

- I was just leaving.
- Good! No, he can stay.

- Ladies, ladies.
- He can stay.

- It's big enough for both of you.
- She should stay too.

If she insists on staying...

then I insist on kicking her
in the fucking cunt!

In the fucking cunt!

I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

Oh, no! My head!

Stop it! Stop it! No!

Come on, it's time. It's time.

Hello, Los Angeles.

If you're seeing me
in this bad-ass holographic form.

That means I must be dead...

which totally sucks for me,
but I don't want any of you good people...

feeling sorry for me.
I've had a great fucking life.

I want to thank you all for coming out
to celebrate my untimely demise.

I leave you with this:

Come here, baby.

Come here.

I'm sorry I was such a bitch.

No, God,
I'm so sorry I fucked your husband.

- It's rock 'n' roll, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's not the dope talking,
but I still really dig your writing, man.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

You really gotta check out
some of my earlier stuff.

There's some good shit on there.

Before everything got
so fucking polished.

Fucking Pro Tools.

That dead man there
was my best friend.

We met when we were 5 years old.

We used to go around to
his mum and dad's after school...

and wear out their copy
of Exile on Main Street.

One day he showed me his penis.

It was alarmingly big for a 5-year-old.

He told me when he grew up
he wanted to be a rock 'n' roll star...

and bugger me if he didn't
grow up and do just that.

So before we put that fucker
in the ground...

I'd like to play you one
of his favorite songs.

After that,
you're all invited back to my place.

We'll consume narcotics,
and listen to Exile, and...

Get our penises out
in honor of our fallen comrade.

You don't seem nearly as fucked up
as everybody else here.

I was tempted to partake,
but it seems like...

the kind of night where you need
to feel everything.

Even if it hurts so bad you want
to tear your fucking skin off.

I hear that, pretty lady.
Oh, shit, I almost forgot.

This means so much. Thank you.

Thank you.

So what now? Back to rehab?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Just to pick up my stuff.

I think it's time to come back to life.

Road beckons.

- Another project awaits.
- Really? Project?

Yeah. They're my projects.

Yeah, I see a spark,
a flash of true genius...

and I have to help. I want them to be
the very best they can be.

You sound like
quite the patron of the arts.

It's what I do.

- How about yourself?
- What about me?

What's next?

I suppose I should write something.

Sit my ass in a chair.
The chair beckons.

Good for you.

Right, because it's just that easy.

Have a little faith, Hank.

Hank Moody, get up
off your ass and come with me.

I'm gonna play you
the greatest song ever written...

in the history of the universe.
After which, we shall snort cocaine...

and have our assholes
tongued by the angels.

Okay, hi.

Good morning, gorgeous.

Yes, please. I'd love some.

Some what?

Some of your delicious
Girl Scout cookies.

No, I'm not that.

- I'm here to see Natalie. Yeah.
- Natalie, Natalie...

Natalie is my wife.

Natalie took the children to school.

Natalie said,
"Let the new designer in."

That's me.

What Natalie failed to say...

is how absolutely fucking,
smokingly, gorgeous you are.

- I'm gonna go, and then...
- You're gonna come in.

I'm incredibly interested
in what your plans are...

for the interior of my home.

Could you put some clothes on?

Why would I put some clothes on?

This is the way
the baby Jesus made me.

That's nice.

I'm joking. Come on,
I'll dig up some trousers.

Are you a fan of mine?
As I am of yours.

You could... I don't know.

You attached?

Excuse me?

Are you spoken for?
Do you have a lover?

Or many lovers?

There are no wrong answers here,
only arousing ones.

- Do you know that fucker?
- Yeah. I know this fucker.

This fucker is supposed to be
in rehab right now.

That fucker was about a million miles away
from rehab last night.

We shared an eight ball,
among other things.

We spoke of hopes and dreams,
of what the world needs now.

I played him a song
inspired by his "magnus opum"...

a song about the healing power
of sex and love...

and rock 'n' roll. He said it sounded
like a pit bull raping a small, deaf child.

I don't think he meant it
as a compliment!

No, he can be a tough critic that way.

Stop kicking me.

What...?

- Karen, what the fuck?
- Hey, you stole my line.

No, then it must be a sign.

It appears that I've had
a relapse of some sort.

I've been tested
and found severely lacking...

and I should probably
go back to rehab posthaste.

You think maybe you give me a ride?

Probably get myself...

Well, maybe...
Maybe just a few more winks.

I was having the nicest dream.

I was on a beach somewhere with you...

and God was marrying us,
and you turned into a mermaid...

and I couldn't find your vagina,
and your hair was covering your breasts...

which was kind of pissing me off,
and then someone was kicking me.

He's fine.

It's cocaine-induced dementia,
there's nothing to worry about.

He just needs his beauty sleep.

In the meantime,
would you like to hear a song...

that I penned about the problems
in the Sudan?

I'd really appreciate your take.