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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,386 Previously on Californication: 2 00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:14,889 You're amazing. A goddess. You deserve the white dress and the happy ending. 3 00:00:15,048 --> 00:00:16,857 I'm just not the guy to give it to you. 4 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,360 This man's a monster. 5 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,725 He likes to fuck women in the ass... 6 00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:23,800 and then tell them that he just wants to keep it casual. 7 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,028 Guys, it's really nice to be fought over, but... 8 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,103 My God! This is never going anywhere, is it? 9 00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:29,638 - What? - You'll never be able... 10 00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:31,605 to commit to another woman. Congratulations, Karen. 11 00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,109 - I don't know how you did it, but... - What? 12 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:37,908 I will love you till the end of time. But I can no longer be your husband. 13 00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:39,550 It's such a fucking relief. 14 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:43,984 - Now what? - You stay here, stand still. Don't move. 15 00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:45,782 Here, tonight, have dinner with me. 16 00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:48,255 Goddamn it, the truth just sounds better. 17 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,497 Just, come on, tell me "I love you." 18 00:00:53,653 --> 00:00:55,189 Just one time, tell me. 19 00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:56,459 Just come home. 20 00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,261 - I saw that! - Jesus. 21 00:00:58,425 --> 00:00:59,836 I think it's the pills. 22 00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:01,631 - What pills? - I shouldn't be drinking. 23 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,742 - I started taking these antidepressants. - How many did you take? 24 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,070 No more than you did. 25 00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:09,213 What did...? What did you do? Carrie? 26 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,447 What did you do? 27 00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:14,016 Only what you made me. 28 00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:15,941 Tell me you love me. 29 00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:55,089 - Hello. - Hey. 30 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:56,886 Can I get you a drink? 31 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,030 I think that's my line. 32 00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,127 Hank. 33 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,789 - And? - And... 34 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,492 it's nice to meet me? 35 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:08,598 I'm not sure, but I think this is the part where you tell me your name. 36 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:09,899 Why would I do that? 37 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,339 Because that's what we do in polite society, lady. 38 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:14,445 That's what separates us from the monkeys. 39 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,178 And people from Long Island. 40 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,812 - Karen, Karen, Karen. - Why are you doing that? 41 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,749 It's just so not what I expected. 42 00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:26,186 - What did...? What did you expect? - Something more exotic. 43 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:28,189 I mean, you seem like a Sasha. 44 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:30,692 - Or a... Or a Pasha. - Pasha? 45 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:32,727 Definitely an "asha" of some sort. 46 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,628 - I'm sorry to disappoint. - I'm not disappointed. 47 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,824 I mean, if I was any more excited... 48 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,403 my enormous man-sized diaper would be soaking wet. 49 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,096 And that would be embarrassing. 50 00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:43,764 - That's disgusting. - Yet endearing. 51 00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,603 Not really. 52 00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:47,335 Refill? 53 00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,873 How are you feeling, Hank? 54 00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:56,209 Because I'm starting to feel really fucking groovy. 55 00:02:56,876 --> 00:02:58,583 What did you do? 56 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,918 Only what you made me. 57 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,787 Tell me you love me. 58 00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:17,264 Hello again. 59 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:20,840 I love you. 60 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,980 I'm gonna let some light in. 61 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,142 Hey, tell me. 62 00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,312 What do you remember? 63 00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:35,117 I remember everything, Karen. 64 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,759 No. About that night. 65 00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:40,662 You didn't show up for dinner. 66 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,897 I kept calling you. You didn't pick up. 67 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,866 I got worried, so I drove up to Charlie's. 68 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:47,595 When I arrived, the door was open. 69 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,934 And that's... That's where I found you. 70 00:03:52,699 --> 00:03:53,837 And her. 71 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,480 - Carrie? - Yeah. 72 00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:59,647 I didn't fuck her, Karen. I swear. 73 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,714 - It so doesn't matter. - It so does matter. 74 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,086 She made me a drink. 75 00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:11,926 A really strong drink. 76 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:13,787 Apparently. 77 00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:15,694 Am I gonna be okay? 78 00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:19,564 You've been in and out for a couple of days now. but the doctors... 79 00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:23,303 They think you're gonna be fine. 80 00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,500 Well, too bad for you. 81 00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:29,504 What about her? 82 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,155 Hank? 83 00:04:51,557 --> 00:04:53,036 You don't remember me, do you? 84 00:04:53,192 --> 00:04:54,364 We had dinner once. 85 00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,334 You're her friend. 86 00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:58,169 Melissa, right? 87 00:04:58,331 --> 00:04:59,366 Sarah. 88 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,647 - Apologies. Sorry. - No worries. 89 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,250 We're all interchangeable, right, us ladies? 90 00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:09,614 No, that's... That's not me. 91 00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:11,653 I don't think that way. 92 00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:15,819 How is she? 93 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,655 Well... 94 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,093 she's been on life support since she got here. 95 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,959 No signs of improvement. 96 00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:25,064 No signs of anything, really. 97 00:05:26,859 --> 00:05:28,031 She's gone. 98 00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:30,868 We're just waiting for the parents to pull the plug. 99 00:05:31,130 --> 00:05:34,236 See, unlike you, they're having a really hard time letting her go. 100 00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,011 She loved you, Hank. 101 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,276 Despite all the evidence to the contrary... 102 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,511 she thought you were the one. 103 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,986 No matter how many times I told her to let you go or just walk away... 104 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,317 she wouldn't do it. 105 00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:51,285 I just wish you would have let her down a little easier. 106 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,888 A little sooner. 107 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,927 How dare you! 108 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,400 Get the fuck out of here! 109 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:04,368 Or do you want to wait till the parents come? They'll be here any minute. 110 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,911 - Sweetie, are you okay? - No, no, no. 111 00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:11,548 Just leave me alone. 112 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,823 Slow down, buddy. 113 00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:29,967 - You're approaching blotto. - Thank goodness. 114 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,295 You know what that means. 115 00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:32,936 Next stop, blackout station. 116 00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:36,596 I could've gotten there a lot sooner, but who's the squishy little pussy fart... 117 00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:38,242 who wouldn't buy drugs with me? 118 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,345 I just wanted to get you out of the house. Blow the stink off. 119 00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:45,141 I like my stink. 120 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,807 It's like Obsession for dirt bags. 121 00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:53,151 So, I have an offer for you! 122 00:06:56,048 --> 00:06:58,858 Not even a smile? You always laugh when I do that. 123 00:06:59,018 --> 00:07:01,089 I don't feel very much like laughing these days. 124 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,494 Or working, for that matter. 125 00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:04,430 The very thought makes my asshole quiver. 126 00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,501 No, actually, more like a throb. 127 00:07:06,659 --> 00:07:08,696 Have you ever had a throbbing asshole, Charlie? 128 00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,772 - I have. - I bet. 129 00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:13,533 You've been home a week, Hank. 130 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,805 You're lucky to be alive. You're sitting around pulverizing your liver. 131 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:18,004 Yeah, that. 132 00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:21,011 And I'm contemplating a new novel! 133 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,949 That's great! Really? 134 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:26,454 Yeah, it's about a miserable piece of shit who drinks himself to death. 135 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:27,784 I'm in the research phase. 136 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,427 You gotta get past this, man. 137 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:32,129 You gotta forgive yourself. 138 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,391 I don't gotta do nothing but stay black and die, motherfucker. 139 00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:36,966 It wasn't your fault. 140 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,963 She was fucking looney tunes! 141 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,832 She tried to kill you, Hank. 142 00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:47,603 Fuck! What did you do that for? 143 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:49,508 You can't talk about her like that. 144 00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:52,309 Some crazy bitch tries to kill you, you defend her honor. 145 00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:55,075 Your best friend tries to help, you punch him in the face. 146 00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:57,016 You're a real fucking asshole, you know? 147 00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:58,621 That sounds about right. 148 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:08,826 What do you see us becoming, eventually? 149 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,059 Look, you're amazing, okay? 150 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,498 I just... 151 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,432 Come on, just outwith it. 152 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:17,404 - Say it. - Excuse me? 153 00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:18,735 You're excused, Nancy. 154 00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,936 But just rip the Band-Aid off. It's the only decent thing to do. 155 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,910 Thanks. Thanks for the advice, old-timer. 156 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:25,310 Hey, I may be old. 157 00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:28,748 But I'm not such a geezer that I can't dick-slap the shit out of you. 158 00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:30,949 My father used to always say that to me. 159 00:08:31,143 --> 00:08:32,986 - Oh, good old Dad. - Yeah, he's right. 160 00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:35,887 - If you're gonna break up with me, do it. - You go, girl. 161 00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:39,086 - That's not what I'm doing. - What you're doing is wasting my time. 162 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:41,596 If you're not serious about me, us, I need to know. 163 00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:42,960 Need to know! 164 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:45,595 You know... 165 00:08:45,758 --> 00:08:47,829 if you would have just let me finish... 166 00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:56,909 You fucking asshole. 167 00:08:57,069 --> 00:08:59,310 You fucked up my proposal. 168 00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:02,945 Fair enough. 169 00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:30,872 Daddy? 170 00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:32,414 Fuck me! 171 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,778 You smell funny. 172 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,749 Hey, what's up, slugger? 173 00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:47,597 Guess what? I'm the Tooth Fairy, yeah? 174 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:51,291 What do you say we settle this like men? 175 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:52,629 All right? 176 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,862 No screaming? 177 00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:56,868 Yeah? 178 00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:02,675 I think you'll find it's all there. 179 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,184 You're lucky I have cool neighbors. 180 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:18,090 I don't know how cool they are. 181 00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,094 They left their kid's bedroom door wide fucking open. 182 00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:23,627 You're lucky you didn't try anything with that kid. 183 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,529 - Why the fuck would I do that? - I don't know. 184 00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:30,139 It's dark. You're drunk. Holes is holes, Hank. 185 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,368 You should be tested for something, Charlie. 186 00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:34,806 - Arms. - Not sure exactly what. 187 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,605 But you're definitely on the spectrum. 188 00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:39,272 Reach for the sky. It's beddy-bye. 189 00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:44,854 Oh, don't forget the pants. 190 00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:47,548 Cannot sleep in my pants 191 00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:51,761 Jesus! When is the last time you washed these bad boys, Hank? 192 00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:53,362 Or yourself, for that matter? 193 00:10:53,519 --> 00:10:56,159 I think the nurses gave me a sponge bath in the hospital. 194 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:57,858 But I could have dreamed that. 195 00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,765 You need to get your shit together, man. 196 00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:01,905 How do you propose I do that, Charlie? 197 00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:04,541 And once I've gathered up all my pretty little turds... 198 00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,335 what do you suggest I do with them? 199 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,876 You've got Karen to think about. 200 00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:09,794 - And Becca. - They're better off without me. 201 00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:12,313 The both of them. All I ever do is fuck their shit up. 202 00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:14,144 All I want to do is sleep. 203 00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:17,377 Sleep till I can sleep no more. 204 00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:20,422 And then make myself sleepy all over again. 205 00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:25,961 Can I at least get your number? 206 00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:28,530 You know, your digits. Can I get your digits? 207 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,361 You like the way I say that? Digits, like the kids? 208 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,196 You're not used to hearing no, are you? 209 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,736 Yes, I am. It's just usually I could give a shit less. 210 00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:36,464 Tonight I do, for some reason. 211 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,371 - Hank. - Yes. 212 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,479 I have a boyfriend. 213 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,911 Of course you do. How could you not? 214 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:46,982 But I think if we put our heads together... 215 00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:48,777 we can overcome such obstacles. 216 00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:50,750 I have faith in us. 217 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:52,682 I gotta bounce. 218 00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:55,121 It was nice to meet you. 219 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,525 It was nice to meet you too. 220 00:11:58,417 --> 00:12:00,693 - Good night. - Good morning... 221 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,390 Karen. 222 00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:18,410 - K. Karen... Karen. - Leave the poor girl alone. 223 00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:24,411 What if she's the one? 224 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,920 Oh, go on. 225 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,854 You're just gonna end up hurting her. And who knows? 226 00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,220 She might even, you know: 227 00:12:43,629 --> 00:12:45,540 Three-point-five baths, Hank. 228 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:46,938 Three-point-five! 229 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:48,942 Seemed too far to go. 230 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,913 - You're up early. - Never went to bed. 231 00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:54,107 Of course not. 232 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,753 I can't get drunk enough anymore, Charlie. 233 00:12:57,309 --> 00:12:59,949 Speaking of which, we're out of alcoholic beverages. 234 00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:01,557 Come on. Get in the car. 235 00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:03,193 - We'll get you some. - Fuck you. 236 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,158 You're my agent. You go get me some. 237 00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:07,263 Get in the car! 238 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,660 We're taking a field trip. 239 00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:24,408 Delicious! 240 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,225 Hey. 241 00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:43,825 That's a weird-looking liquor store. 242 00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:49,571 Welcome aboard Air Force 69, gentlemen. 243 00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:52,106 - Thank you. - Hank Moody! 244 00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:55,678 Oh, I must be really fucking drunk. Is that Atticus Fetch? 245 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:59,476 Baudelaire, Bukowski, and Oscar Wilde... 246 00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:03,211 all wrapped up into one talented motherfucking writer. 247 00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:05,616 - Respect. - Remember that for my tombstone. 248 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,758 You ready to take this journey with me? 249 00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:12,019 That depends. Is this a domestic flight? I'm not sure I have a valid passport. Do I? 250 00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:15,929 - What's wrong with him? - He's just a little bit drunk right now. 251 00:14:16,088 --> 00:14:17,396 Which begs the question: 252 00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:20,092 Why am I not a little bit drunk right now? 253 00:14:22,394 --> 00:14:24,431 - Do you know what that is? - Black Hawk Down? 254 00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,008 That's the Sudan. 255 00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:27,735 It's my own private satellite feed. 256 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,913 If I witness a crime against humanity... 257 00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:32,345 I just pick up the phone and report it. 258 00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:34,446 Or I can write a song about it. 259 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,277 All this means precious little... 260 00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:39,355 when you've watched a government bomb its own civilians. 261 00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,655 You know why you're here, Hank? 262 00:14:42,147 --> 00:14:44,923 Oh, I don't even know why I'm alive right now. 263 00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,757 Crazy Little Thing Called Love... 264 00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:48,660 is my wife's favorite movie. 265 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,528 Yeah, well, I'm sorry to hear that. 266 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:01,010 Apologies, darling, I don't think I'll be able to come right now. 267 00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:04,773 It's nothing to do with you, I'm just really excited about meeting this man. 268 00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:06,348 Oh, thank you, Atticus. 269 00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:09,486 It was an honor and a privilege to hold your penis for as long as I did. 270 00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,144 You're welcome, pumpkin. 271 00:15:15,114 --> 00:15:17,424 Personally, I hate the fucking thing. 272 00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:24,459 I think it's a huge piece of mainstream Hollywood bullshit. 273 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,996 My old lady, she loves it 274 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,162 She fucking loves it 275 00:15:30,329 --> 00:15:31,808 How does she feel about hand jobs? 276 00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:33,973 Hand jobs are different 277 00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:35,476 I don't think they are. 278 00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:37,473 Hand jobs don't count 279 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,972 I think they do. 280 00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:43,085 I beg to differ 281 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:48,157 I can see it from both sides 282 00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:50,557 Oh, yeah 283 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,457 So I said, "if I'm gonna do this thing... 284 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,998 get me the guy who wrote the fucking book." 285 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,725 And here I am. Do what? 286 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,131 God Hates Us All. 287 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,294 I fucking loved it, man. 288 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,270 That was when it all came together for me. 289 00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:06,967 It was like God came down from heaven... 290 00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:11,376 and laid his massive, veiny ball sack on my face. 291 00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:12,982 And when he took it away... 292 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:16,244 it left a stain in the form of an idea. 293 00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,249 Make it a rock opera! 294 00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:21,823 Like Tommy or Hair or Jesus Christ Superstar. 295 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,895 I mean, if fucking Bono can do Spider-Man, the fucking musical... 296 00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:27,257 I think I can do this. 297 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:28,591 Well, do what? 298 00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:31,262 Crazy Little Thing Called Love. 299 00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:33,926 Hank, they're turning it into a Broadway musical. 300 00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:37,097 - Oh, that's a terrible idea. - That's what I said! 301 00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:38,764 But you and me together... 302 00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,138 I reckon we could do something cool with it. 303 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,974 You write the script, I write the music and lyrics. 304 00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:46,514 Let's make a fucking masterpiece, man! 305 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,549 About... About love. 306 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,750 Because love is all you need. 307 00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:52,718 All the world's problems... 308 00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:56,087 eventually come face-to-face with love... 309 00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:59,586 and who do you reckon wins? 310 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,660 Love! It's fucking over, man! 311 00:17:03,822 --> 00:17:05,699 Love conquers all! What do you say? 312 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:06,893 I don't think so. 313 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,868 - Think about it. - Thought about it. 314 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,471 Are you an admirer of my work, as I am of yours? 315 00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:14,770 - Not particularly, no. - Really? 316 00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:17,636 They told me that you're a huge fan. 317 00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:19,805 Oh, they misspoke. 318 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:21,042 And... 319 00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:24,744 why are you not a fan? 320 00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:27,248 You're smug, you're pompous. 321 00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:29,552 There's no cock in your rock anymore. 322 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,058 You're a fucking dinosaur, man. 323 00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:34,629 - Jesus! Fuck you! - Fuck you. You asked. 324 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:35,922 Fuck you! 325 00:17:58,043 --> 00:17:59,249 Becca. 326 00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,952 A bar is no place for a young lady. 327 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:06,290 I agree. 328 00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:08,932 But here I am. Happy day. 329 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,790 Pull up a seat. 330 00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,635 I'll get you a sarsaparilla. 331 00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:14,566 Barkeep? Sarsaparilla. 332 00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:17,773 Look, Dad. 333 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,137 I know you're going through a tough time now. 334 00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:21,801 But you've got us all worried. 335 00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:24,777 Why doesn't anybody understand I don't want to talk about this? 336 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,884 Okay, let's talk about me, then. 337 00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,451 I've got some good news... 338 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:31,952 and some great news. 339 00:18:32,811 --> 00:18:34,688 Tyler stepped in front of a bus... 340 00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,551 and his corpse was brutally raped by hipster zombies? 341 00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:40,489 - Tyler and I broke up. - Yes! 342 00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:42,359 I mean... Really? 343 00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:45,062 When was that? Where the fuck was I? 344 00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,294 In the hospital. 345 00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:48,328 Then you went home and got drunk. 346 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,235 Oh, yeah. 347 00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:54,001 - For a month. - Okay, yeah, I remember now. 348 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,176 How...? How are you with that? 349 00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:58,610 I'm fine. 350 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,109 I thought it was love. 351 00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:02,043 Turns out it was lust. 352 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,346 I have a feeling that will happen over and over again... 353 00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:07,855 until something sticks. 354 00:19:08,013 --> 00:19:09,492 Sweetheart, you are... 355 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,553 wise and beautiful beyond your years... 356 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,132 and deserving of a far better father... 357 00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:17,597 than the barstool prophet that sits beside you. 358 00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:18,894 I know. 359 00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:21,669 Point is, I grieved and I moved on. 360 00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,730 Take a lesson. 361 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,873 Thanks, coach. 362 00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:29,105 So, what's your news? 363 00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:32,511 Well, I'm about to save you a shitload of money. 364 00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:34,741 I'm dropping out of school. 365 00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:36,851 Oh, no, you're not. 366 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,545 And here comes the great news: 367 00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:41,024 I want to be a writer. 368 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,215 Why? 369 00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:43,755 Being a writer sucks. 370 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,863 Everything I've been through in my life has led me to this. 371 00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:49,798 For better or worse, I'm my father's daughter. 372 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,565 I want to start living out loud. 373 00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:55,295 Laughing, loving, drinking, fucking. 374 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,337 And I want to start writing about it. 375 00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:58,798 All of it. 376 00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:00,966 No, no. Who are you right now? 377 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,238 I really thought you'd be more supportive. 378 00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:05,678 - You dropped out of college. - Yeah, like, six times. 379 00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,976 And look at me. I'm a fucking disaster-piece. 380 00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:10,119 I don't care what you say. I'm doing it. 381 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,881 - Yeah, no, you're not, Becca. - Why? 382 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:16,083 - I'm your fucking father, that's why. - You're funny. Some father. 383 00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:18,421 Jesus Christ, Becca. Have some fucking respect. 384 00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:19,756 Everything okay over here? 385 00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:22,222 Fuck off, barkeep. Go. 386 00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:23,759 Hank, I'm warning you. 387 00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:26,095 - You all right, sweetie? - Mind your own... 388 00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:28,397 You want me to call somebody? I warned you, Hank. 389 00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:31,165 Sorry, honey. 390 00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:35,142 - He'll live to waste another day. - There goes your tip. 391 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:39,146 Well, I, for one, really loved your book, Ophelia. 392 00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:41,784 Your shit really speaks to me. 393 00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:46,355 You know, all my life, I've defined myself by whatever idiot man-child... 394 00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:48,752 I was spreading my legs for at the time. 395 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:52,092 And no more, I tell you, no more. 396 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,130 Good for you, Marcy. You're exactly right. 397 00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:58,029 You don't need a man to be happy. 398 00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,192 - I'm living proof. - See? 399 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:03,533 That's what this skinny bitch has to get through her thick skull. 400 00:21:03,695 --> 00:21:07,939 That's really sweet of you, honey, but I don't think men are entirely to blame. 401 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,511 Oh, they are, Karen. 402 00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:12,274 My entire thesis is built on this idea: 403 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:14,542 Men are wild animals. 404 00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:16,617 And they must be regarded as such. 405 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:20,490 I think that's a tad hysterical. 406 00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:21,989 Karen! Karen! 407 00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,455 I need you to dress this wound. 408 00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:26,618 - What happened to him? - I'd like a drink. 409 00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,732 Now would be good. No time like the present, you know? 410 00:21:29,888 --> 00:21:32,027 Oh, for God's sake. 411 00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:33,726 - I'm sorry. - What is this stuff? 412 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:35,929 The fucking Vagina Dialogues? 413 00:21:49,941 --> 00:21:51,113 Oh, shit. 414 00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:53,119 This better not be an intervention. 415 00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:55,087 Yes, Hank, it is. 416 00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:56,988 But it's also an act of love. 417 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:59,026 But this is not about abstaining. 418 00:21:59,184 --> 00:22:01,721 Exactly. This is about you finding your way back... 419 00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:04,527 to being the functional alcoholic we all know and love. 420 00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:06,225 We miss that guy, Hanky. 421 00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:08,837 It's true, Dad. You used to be such a good drunk. 422 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:10,701 Now you're just disgusting. 423 00:22:11,296 --> 00:22:12,502 And bloated. 424 00:22:12,664 --> 00:22:13,699 And smelly. 425 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,575 - Well, thanks for that, daughter. - It has to end. 426 00:22:17,736 --> 00:22:19,647 Think of it as a vacation, Hank. 427 00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:22,718 Hey, hey, get this. The place is called Happy Endings. 428 00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:25,047 You know, I think I could use a stay there myself. 429 00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:27,713 The Internet porn thing is starting to suck me back in. 430 00:22:27,879 --> 00:22:31,759 Have you seen this Tubegalore? Have you experienced this? 431 00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,726 It is a vortex, Hank. 432 00:22:33,885 --> 00:22:36,559 A swirling, black cauldron of sexuality. 433 00:22:36,722 --> 00:22:40,693 I sat down at the computer one morning, I typed in "amateur BBW." 434 00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:42,600 Next thing you know, it's dinnertime. 435 00:22:43,161 --> 00:22:46,301 - What? What? I'm being truthful! - I can't be... 436 00:22:46,732 --> 00:22:49,144 I can't believe I ever shared a bed with you. 437 00:22:49,301 --> 00:22:52,407 Then I can't believe you're going on your second ex-husband. 438 00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:55,313 Oh, and I really can't believe you're back to renting. 439 00:22:55,474 --> 00:22:57,010 That's mean, Charlie. 440 00:22:57,175 --> 00:22:59,121 Do you want to see me cry? This is me crying. 441 00:22:59,277 --> 00:23:02,724 Good God, woman! This is not about the petty problems of L.A.'s working rich! 442 00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,384 This is about Hank and his debilitating self-hatred! 443 00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:08,190 Exactly. And if Hank hadn't been such a dick-in-the-mud... 444 00:23:08,353 --> 00:23:10,196 he and Karen would still be together... 445 00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:12,767 which means that Karen and I wouldn't be a couple... 446 00:23:12,924 --> 00:23:15,996 of pathetic 40-something roommates right now! 447 00:23:16,795 --> 00:23:18,900 I thought you loved being my roommate. 448 00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,099 I do, baby. 449 00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:23,405 But I like my big, shiny house in the hills just a wee bit better. 450 00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:27,380 But no, Stu had to go and get his cock worshipped by that stupid... 451 00:23:27,539 --> 00:23:30,918 little no-talent Mary Poppins fucking cum-dumpster! 452 00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:33,748 Sorry, Becca, man. 453 00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:35,147 Whatever. 454 00:23:35,313 --> 00:23:36,656 Can we get back to Dad? 455 00:23:36,815 --> 00:23:39,022 Maybe I should just forgive and forget, right? 456 00:23:39,184 --> 00:23:41,790 I mean, it was just a blowjob. Blowjobs are like fist bumps. 457 00:23:41,953 --> 00:23:45,025 I can forgive him, move back into that beautiful house in the hills... 458 00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:49,297 and we could go to therapy. That's what couples do, work their shit out together? 459 00:23:49,461 --> 00:23:50,838 - No. No. - What do you think? 460 00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:53,806 Thanks for the support, you mean-spirited fucking gazelle! 461 00:23:53,965 --> 00:23:56,070 Why are you being such a bitch right now? 462 00:23:56,234 --> 00:23:58,043 I don't know! I'm sorry! 463 00:23:58,203 --> 00:24:01,116 Worst intervention ever. 464 00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:04,516 Okay, long story short, Hank, okay. 465 00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:06,287 You gotta get your ass to rehab. 466 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:08,755 If I could do it, you could do it. 467 00:24:08,914 --> 00:24:11,087 And I had the fucking yayo to contend with. 468 00:24:11,249 --> 00:24:13,490 You just got the bottle. Pussy! 469 00:24:13,652 --> 00:24:15,962 Fuck you, cunty Smurf. 470 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:19,193 And while I'm at it, fuck all y'all narcissistic motherfuckers. 471 00:24:19,357 --> 00:24:21,268 Except you, Becca. Love you long time. 472 00:24:21,493 --> 00:24:23,404 But dropping out of school, that's bullshit. 473 00:24:23,562 --> 00:24:25,735 What? What are you talking about? 474 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,210 I didn't want to do this, Hank, but you give me no choice. 475 00:24:35,373 --> 00:24:36,943 I took a bullet for you, man. 476 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,847 The least you can do is try to heal yourself. For me, okay? 477 00:24:45,584 --> 00:24:48,087 Dad, these people are borderline retarded... 478 00:24:48,253 --> 00:24:50,426 but they love you. I love you. 479 00:24:50,956 --> 00:24:53,527 Get your head out of your ass and stop drinking... 480 00:24:53,725 --> 00:24:56,535 because sooner or later, you're just gonna kill yourself. 481 00:24:58,063 --> 00:25:01,601 Just because I'm older now doesn't mean I don't need a father. 482 00:25:20,552 --> 00:25:21,826 Hey. 483 00:25:21,987 --> 00:25:26,026 You know, you didn't even let me say my piece. 484 00:25:26,224 --> 00:25:28,295 How supremely shitty of me. 485 00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:30,201 What do you got? Lay it on me, woman. 486 00:25:30,395 --> 00:25:32,432 We were in such a great place that night. 487 00:25:32,597 --> 00:25:35,441 And if we stand any chance of getting back there... 488 00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:37,671 you have to pull your shit together. 489 00:25:39,471 --> 00:25:40,677 And that's it. 490 00:25:41,339 --> 00:25:42,784 That's all I got. 491 00:25:43,475 --> 00:25:44,920 The rest is up to you. 492 00:25:46,278 --> 00:25:49,259 - Can I tell you something? - Yes, always. 493 00:25:49,781 --> 00:25:51,727 Even if it has the potential to make you sad? 494 00:25:52,284 --> 00:25:53,319 Even better. 495 00:25:55,687 --> 00:25:59,430 That night, I was so looking forward to having dinner with you. 496 00:25:59,591 --> 00:26:04,370 For the first time in forever, you and me, we just seemed so possible. 497 00:26:05,196 --> 00:26:09,167 Everything I always wanted, just right around the corner. 498 00:26:09,634 --> 00:26:11,477 And then it all just went away. 499 00:26:11,636 --> 00:26:13,616 I was the last person to hurt her. 500 00:26:13,772 --> 00:26:15,342 To break her heart. 501 00:26:15,507 --> 00:26:17,851 And I can't put into words how bad that makes me feel. 502 00:26:18,009 --> 00:26:19,955 And now it hurts to be awake... 503 00:26:20,111 --> 00:26:22,614 and I don't know if I can get back to that feeling... 504 00:26:22,881 --> 00:26:24,451 with you. 505 00:26:25,784 --> 00:26:30,494 And what scares me is, I'm not sure that I ever will. 506 00:26:32,123 --> 00:26:35,593 You will get back there. If you want to. 507 00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:44,838 And in the meantime, maybe I'll just dream for both of us, I guess. 508 00:26:53,578 --> 00:26:54,989 Good night, Karen. 509 00:27:20,538 --> 00:27:22,677 Hey, Bukowski! 510 00:27:22,841 --> 00:27:25,515 It's freezing out there. Come up. 511 00:27:25,677 --> 00:27:27,054 I'll make you some coffee. 512 00:27:27,412 --> 00:27:31,417 Hey, I... I feel I should tell you that... 513 00:27:32,350 --> 00:27:33,761 I'm not gonna sleep with you. 514 00:27:33,918 --> 00:27:35,261 Fuck. 515 00:27:41,926 --> 00:27:43,928 Hank, it's time for group. 516 00:27:44,195 --> 00:27:47,142 - Ten minutes, okay? - Yeah, all right. 517 00:27:47,298 --> 00:27:49,005 Welcome to Happy Endings. 38703

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