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1
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Previously on Californication...
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- I'd like to introduce you to Richard Bates.
- Big fan.
3
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:09,174
Who wants to see me tuck
and do the pee pee dance?
4
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:16,181
- We're really gonna do this? Sell the place?
- Isn't that what we want?
5
00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:17,683
Yeah, sure. I guess.
6
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,351
I just want to be done with it already.
7
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:22,479
I want to sell this fucking house
and get on with the rest of my life.
8
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,690
You're saying just pack up and leave LA?
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00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,650
The three of us
move back to New York together?
10
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,278
Yeah, end of the semester, whatever.
11
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:33,073
- So which one are you sleeping with?
- Excuse me?
12
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:35,743
My bets are on
the young, voluptuous student.
13
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,203
This is so not fair.
14
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,122
I'm in love with you, Hank Moody.
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I've never stepped outside
of my marriage before.
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Please! Go!
17
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,338
Something must be different.
18
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:51,008
- That's right. You fucked my wife.
- Well, there's that.
19
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:52,760
- What does that mean?
- You didn't tell her?
20
00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:54,553
- Tell me what?
- Becca's father and I
21
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,598
- had a slight indiscretion.
- She's gotta be kidding me, right?
22
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,559
I don't want to hear about
Felicia and her midlife crisis.
23
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,811
Wait, who else has he been fucking?
24
00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:04,480
- You're a goddamn girl whisperer.
- OK.
25
00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:07,149
I can't believe you slept with all of them.
26
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,526
- Will you live?
- I'm trying.
27
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That's all anybody can ask for.
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Hey, check this out.
29
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:29,671
Lordy bagordy,
we made some fucking love, woman.
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They should put us in
The Joy Of Sex.
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A nice little pencil sketch of us doing it.
We're that good.
32
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,680
Who are you right now?
33
00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:42,643
I'm not sensing the same
level of enthusiasm from you.
34
00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:45,771
Oh, no! I... It was good.
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00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,899
Come to think of it, you weren't
quite as vocal as you normally are.
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00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,984
I mean, you've never
been a screamer per se,
37
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:54,404
but I can always count on you
for a little intense moaning.
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Hank, stop it.
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00:01:58,034 --> 00:02:00,828
Thank you. Thank you for that.
40
00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:05,457
A woman does love a re-enactment
of the most vulnerable moment.
41
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:06,917
Oh, baby.
42
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,086
But you got there, right?
43
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Close.
44
00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:15,676
I see what you're saying.
It was, like, a tiny one.
45
00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:19,429
- That happens. That's understandable.
- Not so much.
46
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What? Are you serious?
47
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:24,393
You mean not even a little one?
Like a micro-orgasm?
48
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:27,437
- No.
- Are you sure? Jesus, this is upsetting.
49
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,190
The truth is, Hank,
we've been through some...
50
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:32,442
We've been through
some really hard times.
51
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,819
- I know that.
- So...
52
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:37,197
But we've always had
our fire and our passion.
53
00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,993
Our beautiful sex organs
don't know about our problems,
54
00:02:41,035 --> 00:02:42,786
and we should keep them out of it.
55
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,080
You got to give me
another chance to please you...
56
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,040
No, no. We can't. It's too late.
57
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,543
It's not gonna work.
No, there's too much pressure!
58
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:52,504
No, no.
Anyway, we have plans.
59
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,132
It's Saturday.
I can do this all day.
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00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,051
- Felicia.
- Felicia.
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00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:00,053
- Your new friend. Yes.
- What? No!
62
00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:01,805
She invited us for lunch.
63
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,474
- I know. I had to say yes, because...
- No, you didn't.
64
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:08,145
God, that woman is so annoying.
She's so irritating.
65
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,481
Yeah, that's good.
Like that, only louder and deeper.
66
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:15,444
- I can work with that. Me love you long time.
- No, no, it's over! It's over.
67
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,696
I gotta go. I got to get ready.
68
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,948
All right.
Just give me a moment.
69
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:24,703
While I talk my testicles into descending.
70
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,166
Guys?
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00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:22,135
Looks like there's some kind
of a book club or something.
72
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:23,845
Of a sort.
73
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:26,807
Oh, dear.
74
00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:30,060
At least it won't
be a dull Saturday afternoon.
75
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:33,480
Welcome. Hello. Come in.
76
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,148
You shouldn't have. Thank you.
77
00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:38,735
No, it is you who shouldn't have.
This is quite a surprise.
78
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:41,071
I think "pleasure" is the word
you were looking for.
79
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,865
- Or "surprise".
- They all heard I was having you over.
80
00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:47,077
Guess the whole ya-ya sisterhood
had to get in on it, huh?
81
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,872
Well, we can't let you skip town
without a fond farewell.
82
00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:54,418
Our last class was very unsatisfying,
since you didn't teach us anything.
83
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:58,880
Karen? This is Jill. She was Hank's
teaching assistant this semester.
84
00:04:58,923 --> 00:05:01,383
- And that's Jackie.
- Hey, Jackie.
85
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,803
- We met in class, right?
- Yes, in a way.
86
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,680
Why don't I come with you guys?
87
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,599
We can hang out, try on some lip gloss.
88
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,727
- You know, sparkly?
- You made your bed.
89
00:05:11,769 --> 00:05:14,604
Yeah, and now you're gonna
have to lie in it. Have fun, Hank.
90
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:24,990
Wake the fuck up, Runkle.
91
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:28,702
Open house time.
92
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:32,956
You know the house won't sell
if we're within five miles of it.
93
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,417
Give me ten minutes, ten minutes!
94
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,462
Come on! We gotta jet.
95
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:42,549
Buyers can smell our impending divorce
from the freeway.
96
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,843
Coming! I'm coming!
97
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,054
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
98
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:49,473
Oh, God, you really are coming. Barf.
99
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,058
I told you!
100
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,478
And I told you!
She never fucking listens, am I right?
101
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,525
Hi. You must be Marcy. I'm...
102
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:02,861
Getting your pants
and getting the fuck outta my house.
103
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,905
Now, please. Thank you.
104
00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:07,449
There's a good girl. Off you go!
105
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:09,534
Yeah.
106
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,995
I'll call you!
107
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,289
Really? The floor? That's your move?
108
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,875
You said not to mess up the bed
if we're showing the house.
109
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,126
Christ, Runkle!
110
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:21,880
I'm sorry she's not a coke-snorting teen idol
or a big black rapist!
111
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:26,927
- Not everyone can have class up the ass.
- No ass, just class.
112
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,767
Oh, my God!
I could take the stubbornness, really I could,
113
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,228
and the substance abuse,
and the lateness
114
00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:39,815
and the "cooler than school and all
the rest of us" ne'er-do-well attitude,
115
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:43,568
but the thing that absolutely got me
was the unwarranted advice
116
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,529
about my biological clock.
117
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:49,408
But, you know,
he's fully qualified to do that,
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00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:52,411
because he has such
a deep understanding of womanhood.
119
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:55,914
Shouldn't you be defending me?
Talking up my good points?
120
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,833
Well, yeah, I will later.
121
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:03,296
Right now I'm really enjoying this kind of
appraisal of your little idiosyncrasies,
122
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:07,134
you know, the things that I have
grown to know and love about you.
123
00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:10,637
- The cracks... That's how the light gets in.
- More Pimm's, anyone?
124
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,849
Yeah, hit me with that.
You know, it's not an act, this whole thing.
125
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,852
I'm very sensitive to the pain
and suffering of women.
126
00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:19,229
I listen to them.
I'm aware of that shit.
127
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,772
OK, that's true.
128
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,775
In his defence,
I must say that he paid me...
129
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:27,112
- tons of special attention in class.
- Not special.
130
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,489
No, Jackie! He did not!
131
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:33,410
Jackie's writing's actually very good.
I read some of her short stories.
132
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,078
- You have?
- Yeah, sure I have.
133
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,165
I had to write her a recommendation
to the graduate writing programme.
134
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:41,877
- She couldn't very well ask you.
- When is luncheon gonna be served?
135
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,337
That's why we're here, right?
And I'm curious.
136
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:47,090
I wanna know how it's different
from actual lunch.
137
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:50,635
We have one last guest,
who's a late arrival.
138
00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:54,431
- Here's the latecomer now.
- It's not a lady. Please say not a lady.
139
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,142
Oh, my...
140
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:59,102
Is that Richard Bates?
141
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:02,397
Yeah, Richard Bates. Crack The Sky.
You know him?
142
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,607
Know him?
143
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:06,568
- Karen, is that you?
- God! Richard!
144
00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:09,529
Oh, my God!
You look exactly the same.
145
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,990
Exactly the same as what exactly?
146
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,909
- I mean, even more beautiful.
- My God!
147
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:18,079
I can picture you right now standing
under the arch in Washington Square Park,
148
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:21,166
- wind blowing your hair...
- And you blowing me off, you asshole.
149
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:24,628
Asshole? I like where this is going,
him being an asshole and all,
150
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,464
but d'you wanna fill me in
on the rest of this shit?
151
00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:29,424
Oh, my God! You gave me a C!
152
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:33,512
When you sleep with your professor,
isn't that you're meant to get a B?
153
00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:35,680
Hey, what, you slept with him?
154
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:38,141
The glorious "mangina" here?
155
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:41,228
This is my professor that I had
an affair with as an undergraduate.
156
00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:43,522
- It was like 100 years ago...
- I'm gonna be sick.
157
00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:46,066
- You look incredible.
- It feels just like yesterday.
158
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,360
- Worst day of my life.
- God, you look great.
159
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,862
Thank you.
You're not with Bush League here, are you?
160
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,822
Fuck, yeah, she is.
161
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,991
- Well, kinda.
- Really?
162
00:08:56,494 --> 00:09:00,664
What? No, don't keep secrets
from the rest of the class.
163
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:05,043
You planted the seed, that writer thing,
my attraction to writers.
164
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:08,838
Oh, hey, hey! Have a drink.
165
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:13,301
How'd you snag her, anyway?
The old "I'm an agent" spiel?
166
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,304
Hey, it's not a spiel.
I'm an agent.
167
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,765
She has a dream, she's a waitress.
168
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,977
In your language, waitress means stripper.
She's a stripper.
169
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:25,313
No, no, no.
She is a cocktail waitress with a screenplay.
170
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:31,278
OK, OK. An idea for a screenplay.
Still, I see potential, and I just...
171
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,780
Oh, please! You see blow job.
172
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:37,242
Do I detect a note of jealousy?
173
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:41,830
Like I could be jealous
of a food-service professional
174
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:44,457
with an idea for a screenplay.
175
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,751
- And her boobs.
- You are!
176
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:50,547
Marcy Runkle is jealous.
I never thought I'd see the day.
177
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,843
Go with God.
I got mine, it's only right you get yours.
178
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:56,386
Hey, Marcy...
179
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,973
I have said all along, I still love you.
180
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:04,185
- It's not what you say, Charlie.
- What do you mean?
181
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:05,979
It's "Out of sight, out of mind."
182
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,023
"See Marcy, want Marcy."
183
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:10,483
"No see Marcy, want boobies."
184
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,071
Really? Still?
185
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:17,657
Jesus fuck,
I forgot to change my ringtone.
186
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:21,786
Please allow me.
Eat my bent wang, Rick Springfield.
187
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:24,372
Wait, get that. It's Sharon.
188
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:27,751
Sharon?
189
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:30,754
You're shitting me.
190
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:32,881
Yeah.
191
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,802
We have an offer.
192
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:42,015
Where were you off to when
you dumped me? Was it Nepal?
193
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,267
It was Egypt.
194
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:47,937
You know, I etched your name in stone
atop the pyramid at Giza.
195
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,315
- I wish that were true.
- Bullshit!
196
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,942
Staying home is very nice too.
197
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:56,404
It's cosy.
You don't need a passport, no shots.
198
00:10:56,447 --> 00:11:00,200
So you would recommend the experience
of sleeping with your teacher?
199
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,035
See that?
See what you've gone and done?
200
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,704
- You've set a bad example, woman.
- You were just so sexy.
201
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:09,125
I can't exactly be judgmental,
because that is how I met Chelsea's father.
202
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:13,797
I was in graduate school, and I took
one of his ridiculous Civil War classes.
203
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,883
Loved to teach, you know,
so passionate about what he was doing.
204
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:19,511
That's it!
You were so passionate.
205
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:24,974
- That's what turns me on.
- Yes, but that kind of passion burns you out.
206
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:29,354
- That kind of intensity, no bueno.
- Look at him! He's not burnt out!
207
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,606
The man had a serious breakdown recently.
208
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,693
Public nudity and singing.
209
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,864
- Smuggling Dr Johnson...
- My poor love! I'm so sorry.
210
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:43,243
Don't be. Truthfully, it was the best thing
that's happened to me in years.
211
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:48,707
For a man to be just broken down
to his most naked, most vulnerable self.
212
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:52,377
Just stripped of all irony, all vanity.
213
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:57,090
I mean, I don't think I've ever been
so deeply in touch with my feminine side.
214
00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,427
- That's beautiful. It's really profound.
- No, it wasn't. It was queer.
215
00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:02,554
Not queer as in gay,
it was queer as in odd.
216
00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:06,933
Downright lunatic, as a matter of fact,
and I had to step in for him at that point
217
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:10,937
with my passion, my intensity,
cos I'm all about that stuff.
218
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:14,107
Yeah, the guy who once fell asleep
during his own lecture.
219
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,234
One time! I did that one time.
220
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:20,280
I was boring myself, and I thought it was
an honest reaction to actually fall asleep.
221
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:24,117
Well, Moody, word on the street is you
couldn't teach your way out of a paper bag.
222
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,994
Where'd you hear that?
223
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:28,955
I may have lobbed
a few random emails here and there.
224
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,458
Moody!
225
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,918
That sounds like Stacy.
That's odd.
226
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:36,588
Justice will be served!
227
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:40,091
Oh dear.
228
00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,468
Ladies.
229
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:43,720
Moody...
230
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,265
I demand satisfaction.
231
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,852
Well, General Sherman,
nice of you to join us.
232
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:55,106
William Tecumseh Sherman, no.
Yet another sign of your blazing ignorance.
233
00:12:55,149 --> 00:13:00,153
No. Major General George Henry Thomas,
Rock of Chickamauga.
234
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,405
Well, pleased to make your acquaintance.
235
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,408
I don't know whether to shake your hand
or your sword, or...
236
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:08,578
The day of reckoning is at hand.
It's time for you to answer for your sins.
237
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:12,415
- You and I will duel on this fine day...
- Duel!
238
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,459
...like men!
239
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,669
Men of what century?
240
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,714
- Dear God, he's completely blotto.
- How can you tell?
241
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,467
He must have gone out drinking
with those re-enactment people.
242
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,761
- You mock me?
- Guilty.
243
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,430
I challenge you to a duel,
and this is how you respond?
244
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,766
Personally, I love a good duel.
245
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:33,770
Bates! You're back and lookin' good.
246
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,563
Let's go, Moody.
247
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,442
You've defiled my wife, brought dishonour
to this house, the university.
248
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,152
I'll stand for it no more.
249
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,489
And get your filthy car out of my driveway.
250
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:49,077
Stacy, you might want to rest up.
Hank doesn't want to play these games.
251
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,704
- No, Hank don't wanna play.
- They always lose, you see.
252
00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:55,333
The Union Army gets defeated at the Battle
of Chickamauga, then they go out drinking.
253
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:59,003
He held until nightfall,
preventing an even greater Union defeat!
254
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:02,632
How? Because General Thomas
refused to surrender Horseshoe Ridge.
255
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:06,344
Was he the flashiest
Civil War general? No.
256
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:08,513
Did he impress the ladies?
257
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:14,435
Was he a highly functioning alcoholic
like Ulysses S Grant? Maybe.
258
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:21,067
- You might want to play along with him.
- What?
259
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:24,904
And let him bust a Civil War-era cap
in my ass? I don't think so.
260
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,573
They're harmless, just blanks.
261
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:30,410
- You won't feel anything.
- Yes!
262
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:33,580
- General?
- I'll be waiting in the field of valour.
263
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:37,625
For love and honour!
264
00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,253
It's really quite fun!
265
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,883
We're gonna sell this house.
266
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:51,222
- To moving on.
- And to my favourite roommate.
267
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:54,517
And just think,
we don't have to be roommates any more.
268
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,936
You can fuck whoever you want,
however you want.
269
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:02,025
Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl,
downward facing dog, whatevs.
270
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:06,321
- I think that's a yoga term.
- It is both a sex term and a yoga term.
271
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:10,909
- I learned that from Rick Springfield.
- Please don't tell me any more.
272
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:14,537
That's the beauty of it. I fuck who I want,
you fuck who you want,
273
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,165
and we don't have to discuss the details.
274
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:20,919
I don't have to hear all your shit
about your pieces of class up the ass.
275
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:25,256
Not to go back on this, but you actually
did offer me the ass one time.
276
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,676
- Right here in this very living room.
- What was I thinking?
277
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:31,888
Dr Drew says you could get
a prolapsed anus from that shit.
278
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,140
Once you hit 80, your ass is like,
279
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:37,226
"Why'd you have
to take it in the pooper that one time?
280
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:40,146
"Now you're gonna have to carry me
around with you all day."
281
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,440
And right over here, huh?
282
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,776
The year that I got that UTK bonus,
remember?
283
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:47,570
I came in.
I bent you over the couch and...
284
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,615
And gave me the worst back pain
I've ever experienced.
285
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:55,411
For years, I had a man who liked to
take it out of the comfortable bedroom,
286
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,121
take it on the road.
287
00:15:57,164 --> 00:16:01,250
- Great!
- That's right.
288
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,420
We really have humped
all over this house, haven't we?
289
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:08,299
- Remember the kitchen-counter encounter?
- Best night of my life.
290
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:12,762
Not mine! Days later,
I was still finding crumbs in my folds.
291
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,307
- What about the powder room?
- We never did it there.
292
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:21,437
That's true. There's one room in this house
that was spared our unholy alliance.
293
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,315
- OK, let's go. Let's go, come on.
- Where? What?
294
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:26,275
- We can't leave one room uninitiated.
- No!
295
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,444
- We're moving on!
- We cannot leave that room pristine,
296
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,280
because that would be a tragedy
and this is a happy day. Let's go.
297
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:34,075
- What? No!
- You move it, schoolgirl. Come on, let's go!
298
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,911
- You can't tell me what to do!
- Daddy's coming!
299
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,873
- You sure these aren't actually loaded?
- Just pick one, Moody.
300
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:43,001
So, ten paces and then turn?
301
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:45,962
I don't believe I have ever met
a bigger pussy in my life.
302
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,924
You slept with the man's wife, didn't you?
The code of honour demands it.
303
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,718
What do you know about honour,
you numbnuts?
304
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,971
Silence. I'll have none of that filthy talk
on this field of valour.
305
00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:56,347
My bad.
306
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,726
This is quite fun, Chels, isn't it?
Reminds me of the good old days
307
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:02,812
when we used to follow your father
from battlefield to battlefield.
308
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:07,316
- Ladies, start your egos.
- Come on!
309
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:13,322
For fuck's sake, Moody,
stop fucking around! Come on!
310
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,495
- Come on, let's do this thing!
- Come on!
311
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,706
- Let's go.
- Stand there.
312
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,833
I hope Dad shoots him between the eyes.
313
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,129
I'll let that slide since this isn't a real duel.
314
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:34,302
One, two, five, seven, nine, ten.
315
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:40,183
Damn it to hell!
Well, Moody, take your shot!
316
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,561
What, you want me to shoot you?
No, it's all right. I'm good.
317
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,565
Moody, I demand that you shoot me!
318
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:50,818
No can do.
This whole thing is way too gay for me.
319
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:54,781
Hold on a second. You fucked the man's
wife and now you refuse to shoot him?
320
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:57,033
You know, if it's all the same to you...
321
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,248
Is this what's supposed to happen?
322
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,710
Cool down, girls.
323
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,465
Well, I guess I deserved that.
324
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:18,012
- I'm sorry. I apologise.
- No biggie.
325
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:20,723
No, it was ungentlemanly of me.
326
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:25,520
The purpose of a duel is to fight
with honour and decorum.
327
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,024
Nice one, Dean. That was...
328
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,652
- You liked that, huh?
- Yes, I did.
329
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,196
Well, you know something?
You offend my honour.
330
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:38,032
- You offend my lady's honour.
- Your lady?
331
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,159
Are you so sure she's really yours?
332
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:42,745
Shit, Moody,
you couldn't own a woman like that.
333
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:46,916
Christ, I still remember the sound
of her approaching climax.
334
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,668
Fucking choir of angels...
335
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,092
That's my ass!
336
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,219
I can't tell if they're joking or not.
337
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,432
Got him!
338
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:07,728
- I think they're actually fighting.
- Can I take you up on that drink?
339
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,195
Fuck your pussy!
Fuck your pussy!
340
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:19,198
Fuck my pussy?
Or your pussy is my pussy, or...
341
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,409
- Shut up and pound me!
- OK.
342
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,954
God!
343
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,123
Oh, shit!
344
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:29,208
Oh, my back!
345
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:33,004
- Holy mother of fuck!
- Help, help!
346
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:36,299
Why did I let you sit on the sink?
The chick is supposed to sit on the sink!
347
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,426
That's bathroom boning 101!
348
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:42,471
- I can't move, I'm fucking drowning here!
- You're drowning? Really?
349
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,183
A person can drown in this amount of water
in certain circumstances.
350
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,434
God!
351
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:50,021
Come here, you big baby!
352
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,901
- Get over here.
- OK!
353
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:58,821
- OK, climbing the toilet bowl!
- Fuck!
354
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,948
- We're almost home.
- Sit, sit.
355
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:07,121
Wait. What the fuck is that?
356
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,624
You had my name tattooed
above your ass crack?
357
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:12,585
Jesus, I was drunk.
I don't even remember getting it done.
358
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:16,005
- Charlie!
- What? I'm getting it removed! I am!
359
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:19,550
- No, you're not!
- What? You like it?
360
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:23,346
No, I don't like it.
It's fucking retarded.
361
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,765
Retarded and sweet.
362
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,350
Just like you, Runkle.
363
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:36,359
I guess I'd better take
my walking wounded home, right?
364
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:38,736
That's if he ever comes out of the bathroom.
365
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:43,491
Are you OK with Becca spending the night?
366
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,118
Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
It's no problem.
367
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:49,413
It's nice for the girls to spend
one last sleepover together
368
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:51,415
- before Becca leaves for New York.
- Right.
369
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:54,252
- Good luck with that, by the way.
- Thank you.
370
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:58,798
Are you always so civilised?
371
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:03,386
Well, the wife of a general
has certain responsibilities, you know?
372
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,221
Of course.
373
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,306
Well...
374
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:11,477
I'll never be as pretty as I once was.
And I'm peeing blood.
375
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,021
I got myself more of a foot soldier.
376
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,982
Some cannon fodder, really.
377
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:21,237
What did I miss?
378
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:28,995
Look at that.
One semester ends, another begins.
379
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:33,124
- You gonna do something about that?
- What's the point, you know?
380
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:36,585
Nothing ever really changes around here.
That's the beautiful thing about academia.
381
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:40,840
None of us can really function in the
real world, so that's why we end up here.
382
00:21:40,882 --> 00:21:43,426
It sort of works for everyone, really.
383
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:49,348
- We can't function anywhere else but here.
- You can't. No, you can't.
384
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,892
- Ignore him.
- What's he saying?
385
00:21:51,935 --> 00:21:55,563
- I'm gonna go say good night to Richard.
- No, you can't.
386
00:21:56,940 --> 00:22:00,151
- Go. I'm timing you.
- Thank you for lunch.
387
00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:03,154
I hope we didn't give you
too hard a time of it today.
388
00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:05,114
No, no worries. I'm fine.
389
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:08,200
My ass is a little sore,
but that's normal for me.
390
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:09,869
It's all done with great affection.
391
00:22:09,911 --> 00:22:13,289
You're such a mess, and you cause
such chaos, but I wouldn't change anything.
392
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:17,001
- You sure about that?
- Really, truly. It was a fabulous disaster.
393
00:22:17,085 --> 00:22:18,836
Come here.
394
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:20,921
- Be happy in New York.
- There you go.
395
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:23,132
What about General Sherman?
Will you let him back in?
396
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,301
If you don't,
he's gonna call in reinforcements.
397
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:28,679
- The cavalry, perhaps.
- He does seem very determined.
398
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:31,807
Yeah. Passionate, one might say.
399
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,268
Oh, I do like that in a man.
400
00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:39,190
- Felicia! I'm in a fever!
- I better go tend to the General.
401
00:22:39,232 --> 00:22:42,068
- Toodle-oo.
- Soothe my brow!
402
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:48,115
Did you ladies have fun
twisting the knife this afternoon?
403
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,576
- Absolutely.
- Too much fun.
404
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:56,207
I'm so happy that I could give you a reason
to come together and become friends.
405
00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:59,960
Yeah, we're like BFFs now.
She's gonna teach me how to pole-dance.
406
00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:04,465
Such a crying shame, Hank.
Just think of all of the missed opportunities.
407
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:11,055
Moody...
408
00:23:11,098 --> 00:23:14,683
If I hear you've gone and blown it
with this gorgeous filly,
409
00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:18,396
I will kick your ass
and make her my queen.
410
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:20,189
- Ladies?
- Yes.
411
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:23,275
- Take care, Karen.
- Bye, have fun.
412
00:23:23,318 --> 00:23:24,860
Bye.
413
00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:29,073
- I can't believe I used to love that guy.
- You'll get over it.
414
00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:31,117
Come on, soldier, let's get you home.
415
00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:34,829
You still have battles to fight,
realms to conquer.
416
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:37,748
The child? What about the child?
417
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:40,501
The child is staying here tonight.
418
00:23:50,345 --> 00:23:52,513
No wonder we never did it
in the powder room.
419
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:55,015
That was really not pleasant at all.
420
00:23:55,058 --> 00:23:59,061
- It wasn't great.
- I don't mean the first part, of course.
421
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,773
I meant the second part.
I enjoyed the shit out of humping you at first.
422
00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:05,776
Yeah, well, we can sleep knowing
we gave the next homeowners
423
00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:07,778
a dirty sink and a plumbing problem.
424
00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:14,118
Holy shit.
425
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:17,413
They came. The divorce papers.
426
00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:25,713
Big day, Charlie. Signing time.
427
00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:29,341
Well, I can't move.
You're gonna have to bring me a pen.
428
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:42,188
How was the first part for you, Marce?
You never said.
429
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,356
What do you want me to say, Charlie?
430
00:24:44,399 --> 00:24:46,650
The first part with you was great.
431
00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:49,153
It's the last part that ended in disaster.
432
00:24:49,237 --> 00:24:52,156
Yeah, but it doesn't have to, you know?
433
00:24:52,199 --> 00:24:55,326
Because we could keep going, right?
434
00:24:55,368 --> 00:24:59,872
You know,
we turn the last part into the middle part.
435
00:24:59,915 --> 00:25:03,083
And what happens
when we get to the next shitty part?
436
00:25:03,126 --> 00:25:05,669
There doesn't have to be a shitty part.
437
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:08,214
Baby...
438
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:11,342
there's always a shitty part with us.
439
00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:46,168
I appreciate the interest, I really do.
440
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,254
- You do?
- Yes, I'm just...
441
00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:51,006
I'm just not sure I'm...
442
00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:53,425
in the moody.
443
00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:57,680
Oh, no! But I am. I really am.
444
00:25:57,722 --> 00:25:59,431
I mean, today was so exciting.
445
00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:03,727
I could totally just, like, carry on
from where we left off this morning.
446
00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:06,730
My mind and my body are totally in sync.
447
00:26:06,773 --> 00:26:10,234
I'm not sure that I like
the implication of that.
448
00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:14,405
What? It's very sexy for a man
to fight for your honour.
449
00:26:14,447 --> 00:26:18,909
Is it also very sexy to run into some old
geezer you let bone you when you were 19?
450
00:26:18,952 --> 00:26:21,870
You know, it just reminded me
of being back at college again,
451
00:26:21,955 --> 00:26:24,540
when life was so simple,
and he was so...
452
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:28,794
He was so passionate,
so full of enthusiasm. I know, I know.
453
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:31,714
He was so big, actually.
454
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:33,591
Gross!
455
00:26:33,633 --> 00:26:37,136
I mean, not that
that matters or anything, but...
456
00:26:37,178 --> 00:26:40,472
- Well, you know, you saw the whole deal.
- I saw nothing.
457
00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:43,058
As far as I know,
the man is a hermaphrodite.
458
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:45,019
Really? God, he was...
459
00:26:45,061 --> 00:26:48,564
He was, like, the hottest
assistant professor on the campus.
460
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:52,192
Everybody wanted to sleep with him.
My friends were so jealous.
461
00:26:52,235 --> 00:26:54,653
One time we were doing it in his office,
462
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:58,032
- and there was this line down the hall...
- OK, that's it.
463
00:26:58,074 --> 00:27:01,702
- I demand satisfaction!
- Yes, yes, it worked!
464
00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,954
Good. Are you gonna punish me?
465
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,875
You know I'm gonna have to live with
that image in my head for the rest of my life.
466
00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:09,376
I know.
467
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:16,425
I'm just not sure that my mind
and my body are in sync either.
468
00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:20,763
You know, the events of the day,
all this fun you've had, it's bruised my mind.
469
00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:25,601
It's traumatised me. It may very well
undermine my ability to please you.
470
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:27,394
Really?
471
00:27:28,605 --> 00:27:30,731
No, not really.
37445
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