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1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:03,252
Previously on Californication...
2
00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:06,380
This is not a good idea.
You're my student.
3
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,924
I really thought you were
gonna kiss me just then.
4
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,928
I've never stepped outside
of my marriage before.
5
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:15,639
I am flattered, but I'm...
6
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:18,475
What? Were you just gonna
leave me behind?
7
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:22,104
The gods have seen fit to give me
another shot with the soul mate.
8
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,230
I gotta be ready for her.
9
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,566
Maybe it's time to stop banging
the entire college campus.
10
00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:27,860
Right you are, motherfucker!
11
00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:29,862
You wanted to see me, Professor Moody?
12
00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:33,073
- Look, here's the thing...
- Oh, my God. You're trying to end this thing.
13
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:35,159
- I've been doing some thinking.
- Me, too.
14
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,326
Look, here's the thing.
15
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,953
You're quitting. I know.
16
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,872
- David.
- Hey.
17
00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:42,207
You're doing it, aren't you?
Cashing in your freebie.
18
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,834
I beg your pardon?
19
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,462
Fine, I'll do it.
You want to throw your life away, use me.
20
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,130
Please! Go!
21
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,561
Come on, show me something.
22
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,647
The hint of a nipple,
the suggestion of an areola.
23
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:09,651
We'll start small, we'll take it from there.
See how you feel. No pressure...
24
00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,445
Unless you want to see my schween!
25
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:14,656
Because I will totally unfurl for you.
I'm not shy.
26
00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:18,410
Hank, stop it. Your daughter
could walk in any second.
27
00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:20,496
That's impossible.
28
00:01:20,538 --> 00:01:22,873
It's unlikely, but it's not impossible,
29
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:26,627
and I'm convinced she does not
want to see your schween!
30
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,670
Why you gotta talk to me like that?
31
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:32,382
Besides, there's like
0.0% chance of that happening.
32
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:35,803
- She's not even on the premises.
- Where is she?
33
00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,597
- Huh?
- Where is she?
34
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,600
She went down
to the liquor store for me.
35
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,560
What? I hear the front door.
36
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,521
- We're gonna have to Skype later.
- Hank!
37
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:48,315
- Do not hang up. Hey!
- Honey, you're pixellating.
38
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:51,151
- Listen, she's with them, right?
- What?
39
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,529
- She's with them.
- Them?
40
00:01:53,571 --> 00:01:56,406
They're not an alien race
bent on intergalactic domination.
41
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,909
Well, how do you know that?
Do you have proof?
42
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,537
No, but you're right.
Maybe I should check the grounds.
43
00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:05,207
Perhaps there's some sort of portal
somewhere in the topiary.
44
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,667
OK, I'm gonna sign off.
45
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:09,586
No, no, no, come on. No virtual sexy time?
46
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:12,464
Look, I'll start, and you can join in
whenever you want.
47
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,134
No, you know what?
You kind of broke the spell.
48
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,136
You know, you blew it.
49
00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:19,263
You were agin it
when you thought she was here,
50
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,431
and you're agin it now you think
she's with the Tudors.
51
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,851
I can't win with you, woman.
52
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:29,231
Oh, yeah. Yes!
53
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,693
Yes? That's it.
54
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,736
There you go. Oh, yeah, come on.
55
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:40,159
God damn you, that's unfair.
56
00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:42,786
To say nothing of bad for my prostate.
57
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,913
Skypus interruptus.
58
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,139
Want to party?
59
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,224
Hi.
60
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:24,638
Hello.
61
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:44,366
Wake up, sleepyhead.
You don't want to be late for class.
62
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,452
I remember killing that bottle of Jack,
63
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:51,164
but I do not recall you making the sex
with Betty and Veronica here.
64
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:53,834
Oh, no, they...
65
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:57,212
They pretty much just amused themselves.
Could you blame a girl, though?
66
00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,090
It's not like you wanted
to have anything to do with us.
67
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,093
Want has nothing to do with it.
I'm trying to be a good boy, you know?
68
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,304
I don't see what's so good about it.
69
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:09,599
It's a waste of perfectly lovely
private parts if you ask me.
70
00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:13,937
You never told me what you were
celebrating last night.
71
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,274
Oh, yeah, that. My last dance.
72
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,652
- I'm done.
- With what?
73
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:24,197
- The stripping.
- You don't say.
74
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,783
- Really?
- Yep. I'm out.
75
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,619
No more grinding up
on middle-aged hard-ons for me,
76
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:31,371
except for yours, of course.
77
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,332
Who you calling middle-aged?
78
00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:36,793
You, my old dude boyfriend.
79
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,755
Stop it. You're gonna make me blush.
80
00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:41,631
So what is next for you?
81
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,176
Writing. I'm gonna give it a shot.
82
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,720
I mean, fuck, it's what
makes me the happiest, right?
83
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,639
Who cares if I die poor, drunk, and alone?
84
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:54,269
Well, who's to say that you're not
gonna end up like that anyway?
85
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:57,314
Well, thank you
for showing me the light, Teach.
86
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,317
Well, it's been my pleasure and an honour.
87
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,571
Just happy that my half-baked wisdom
could assist you in any way...
88
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,782
No.
89
00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:09,284
Don't tell me you're trying
to break up with me again.
90
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,913
Well, to be fair and balanced,
the term "breaking up" implies
91
00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:15,290
that once upon a time, we were together.
92
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:18,919
OK, so then, just to be clear,
93
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:22,255
the sheer amount of no-holds-barred sex
that we've been having recently
94
00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:25,384
does not indicate a certain level of intimacy.
95
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:28,970
Sure. Sure, it does. What's your point?
96
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,265
God, for someone who loves
women so much,
97
00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:34,518
you sure don't understand them very well.
98
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,688
I know this seems all
Bridges Of Madison County right now, but...
99
00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:41,942
It's really more of a rite of passage for you.
100
00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:44,945
Every comely college-age
undergrad has an...
101
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:48,615
an affair with her favourite
middle-aged professor.
102
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:51,952
Even my old lady had one,
and it used to bum me out, but now I get it.
103
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:54,788
It's like she was fucking me
before she met me.
104
00:06:57,583 --> 00:07:00,252
Her ass is ringing.
Here, will you hold this?
105
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,933
I should take this somewhere else.
Santa Monica, perhaps.
106
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:18,019
- Tell her I said hi.
- I will not.
107
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:20,105
City morgue. You kill 'em, we chill 'em.
108
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:22,274
Hey, did she get off to school OK?
109
00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:25,610
- One would hope. Jesus.
- Well, that's not very comforting.
110
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:28,530
Well, you know, the peoples of the dean,
they are many things,
111
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,282
but not punctual is not one of them.
112
00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:32,659
- Don't worry so much.
- I tried to check in with her.
113
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:36,705
I texted, I checked her Twitter page.
I got nothing. I mean, no response.
114
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:40,333
Duh, we're ruining her life, remember?
Or maybe it's game day for the crimson tide.
115
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,461
You know how edgy you get
when Aunt Flo's in town.
116
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:44,504
Hank, are you trying to piss me off?
117
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:49,217
You see? Is it arts and crafts week
at panty camp for you, too?
118
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,803
- Hank!
- What was that?
119
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:55,307
- What was what?
- Someone just said "Hank".
120
00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:58,935
No, that was the cleaning lady.
The cleaning lady, that was.
121
00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,272
So since when did we have
a cleaning lady?
122
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,357
Soon. Recently.
123
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,402
She doesn't appear to be dusting.
The place is a mess.
124
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,738
You saw that shit. It's fucked up. I gotta go.
125
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,616
- What the fuck is this?
- She won't wake up.
126
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,993
- Shitness. Is she dead?
- I don't know.
127
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,704
That's some intense morning breath.
128
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:21,041
Cheez doodles and beer.
Midnight snack of champions.
129
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:24,461
- She's breathing. What'd she take?
- I have no idea.
130
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,089
- She's like a walking pharmacy, this one.
- She took some X. We both did.
131
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,981
- Top of the morning, chumly.
- What the fuck do you want?
132
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,942
- This guy know who I am?
- Course he does.
133
00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:49,736
You met at my place, shared a meal, in fact.
Broke some bread.
134
00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,863
Where's the respect?
Why's he being a douche?
135
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:54,199
Watch it, Rick Springfield.
I'm in no mood.
136
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:57,077
Hey, studs, step back.
No need for a cockfight.
137
00:08:57,119 --> 00:08:58,912
We're here to see about the Porsche, OK?
138
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:02,290
You're selling, Rick's looking to buy.
We set this up last night, remember?
139
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,584
Yes, I remember now,
but can we reschedule?
140
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,504
I've got a comatose stripper in my bed.
141
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,631
I been there. Can I help?
142
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:19,724
Man, did you hear that?
143
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:22,686
Nothing like the sound of a stripper's head
on a hardwood floor.
144
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:26,606
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- What? You don't rough 'em up?
145
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,608
Excuse me, George Bailey.
146
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,528
Get a load of this guy.
Last fuckin' boy scout over here.
147
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,863
Jessie is a friend
148
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:36,575
Yeah, I know he's been
a good friend of mine
149
00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:39,661
Charlie, get this ass clown
out of here before I start swinging.
150
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:42,998
Oh, yeah? You want to throw down,
bad boy, huh?
151
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,584
You think you can take this? Guess what?
152
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:49,254
- I shit a pint of blood this morning.
- Why?
153
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,215
Charlie, could you get
this girl out of here for me?
154
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:56,261
I don't know. This is kind of dirty business.
You know, it's a little shady for me.
155
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,179
When was the last time
I asked for something?
156
00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:01,516
What? I got you those reservations
you wanted that time at Mr Chow's.
157
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:05,353
Yes, you did, spring of 2003.
I remember. I was still with Karen back then.
158
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:09,357
You think that shit is easy? Try it sometime.
Restaurant people can be very dismissive.
159
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,735
OK, all right, all right.
Here's how it's gonna go.
160
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,405
Me and Rick will take her to the ER, see
what's what, leave your name out of it.
161
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:19,367
And while we're there, we should really look
into why you're shitting so much blood.
162
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,994
Let's go.
163
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,956
Easy does it, easy does it.
164
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,961
Narrow doorway. Safety first.
165
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,089
- You're Rick Springfield, aren't you?
- That's right, tiny dancer.
166
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,342
You look familiar.
You ever shake your ass for me?
167
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:39,012
No, but my mom did, back in the day.
I think you guys boned.
168
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,473
Right on. She say good things
about my big ten-inch?
169
00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:43,433
She said you refused
to put a rubber on it.
170
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,186
That's right, baby.
Skin on skin, let the love begin.
171
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:49,147
Hey, watch what the fuck
you're doing, Rick Springfield.
172
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:55,570
You know what? I've just about had it with
this guy and his snotty fucking comments.
173
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:58,073
I will fuck you till your ass bleeds, cowboy.
174
00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:01,534
Thank God, cos I don't think
that's gonna take very long.
175
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,495
Fuck!
176
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,332
Really?
177
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,418
Shit.
178
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:20,428
I know you're in there, Hank Moody.
I heard the footsteps. Open up.
179
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,311
Get in the bedroom.
Back in the bedroom.
180
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,989
- Jilly!
- Good morning.
181
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,659
Good mor... Just stopping by, huh?
Look at you.
182
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,412
Yeah, I figured I'd catch you
before you left for work.
183
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:46,871
Caught me you did.
184
00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:47,997
- You caught me.
- Yeah.
185
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,209
It's a pretty safe bet, considering
you're almost always late.
186
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,336
You gonna invite me in, or what?
187
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,090
I have something I want to tell you.
188
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,884
- I have news, really big news.
- OK, all right, but can it wait?
189
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,594
I was just about to jump in the shower.
190
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,889
- Perfect. I'll join you and fill you in there.
- No, no, no.
191
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:07,851
I thought we agreed to stop
those kind of shenanigans for now.
192
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:11,354
- Yeah, but that's what I want to talk about.
- OK. I'm gonna grab some coffee.
193
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:14,023
- Would you like some coffee?
- Not so much.
194
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:17,444
- I just brushed and had a couple of Altoids.
- Nice, but I'd like a cup.
195
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:21,364
All right. Go on, go on, and just meet me
in the boudoir when you get it.
196
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,783
No, no! Don't go in there.
197
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:27,120
- Why?
- Just please don't.
198
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,165
Oh, my God, do you have
a fucking girl in there?
199
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:36,171
Give a guy some credit. Maybe
he just laid down some serious wolf bait.
200
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:40,800
I just took my morning dump.
It reeks to high heaven in there.
201
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,719
- Lovely.
- Yeah, it was.
202
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:46,806
An almost perfect bowel movement.
Clean as a whistle, barely had to wipe.
203
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:50,560
- But you did, right?
- I'm not a fucking animal. Of course I did.
204
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,104
What was it that you wanted
to talk about, doll?
205
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:56,191
- I've been doing some thinking.
- You mean some over-thinking.
206
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,777
Shut up, you.
207
00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:01,070
- You!
- Yes?
208
00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:03,615
- I accept you.
- What?
209
00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:06,576
No, I accept you for who you are.
210
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,913
You accept me. Thanks, I guess.
211
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,207
- You're not listening, stupid.
- I'm listening.
212
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:15,585
I accept you for who you are.
I don't want to change you.
213
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:19,798
I think we work well together, you know?
214
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,760
Kid or no kid,
snip or no snip, I want to be with you.
215
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,721
- I spent years idolising...
- Sure you don't want some coffee?
216
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,307
No. I think I was in love with the idea of love.
217
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:30,767
- Tea?
- No, thanks.
218
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,020
- I like what we have.
- Are you hungry?
219
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:38,483
No, but now I know
that I'm in love with you.
220
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,777
I'm in love with you, Hank Moody.
221
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,656
Oh, Jill.
222
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:46,699
This... It's... But...
223
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:50,578
No, don't "but" me. Don't "but" me now.
224
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,831
Ho!
225
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,917
Yeah, or I just might butt you back.
226
00:13:57,586 --> 00:14:02,507
Fuck! OK, you hold
that very naked thought.
227
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,635
Yeah.
228
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:16,354
- Who is it?
- It's Felicia.
229
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:19,983
- Oh! Felicia? Fuck.
- Fuck, yeah. You'll be cool?
230
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,860
- OK.
- All right.
231
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:24,112
Stay in there.
232
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,580
- Good morning.
- Good morning to you.
233
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:37,458
- I can't stop thinking about it.
- What?
234
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,878
Oh. Oh, that.
235
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,380
- You liked that, did you?
- I did.
236
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:45,633
That was some very intense
and powerful love-making, Hank.
237
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,514
- What's wrong?
- Not a big fan of that term.
238
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,182
Love-making, making love.
239
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:57,186
I prefer boning, stuffing,
schtupping, banging,
240
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,105
porking, boffing.
241
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,026
Anything, take your pick,
just not love-making.
242
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:04,861
So much for the afterglow.
243
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,322
All right, so what can I do for you this AM?
244
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:12,076
- I told him.
- Him?
245
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:17,582
Fuck. Please tell me that by "him"
you mean your therapist?
246
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,792
No such luck, I'm afraid.
247
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:22,879
Felicia, why on earth would
you do something like that?
248
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,255
He knew, Hank.
249
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:27,091
He saw it in my face.
The pure joy,
250
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:30,470
the glow of a freshly fucked
and properly tended-to woman.
251
00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:32,430
So I told him. I came clean.
252
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:35,183
It felt so good. It was the right thing to do.
253
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:40,229
- Jesus fuck.
- Jesus fuck is right. Guess what?
254
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,191
- What?
- I'm leaving him.
255
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:45,026
Oh, no! Oh, no, you're not!
256
00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:47,946
Yes, I am. Stacy and I
don't make sense any more.
257
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:51,115
We haven't for quite some time now,
and I was thinking, life is short.
258
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:54,744
Fuck it. I want to spend the rest of my days
with someone I feel passionate about,
259
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,371
someone who gives me butterflies,
260
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,873
and for better or for worse, Hank,
that someone is you.
261
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,959
Just slow the fuck down, Felicia.
262
00:16:01,001 --> 00:16:04,212
One session of love-making,
no matter how inspired or transcendent,
263
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:05,672
does not a relationship make.
264
00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:07,757
- What about the Chelsea?
- What about her?
265
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,218
I don't care how bratty or snotty
that little shit is,
266
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:11,928
she doesn't deserve a broken home.
267
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,806
She'll get over it.
Becca's clearly weathered the storm.
268
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:17,183
No, she hasn't.
She's totally fucked up, that kid.
269
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,685
Karen and I made a huge mistake.
270
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:20,979
We should have stayed together
at all costs for her.
271
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:24,148
But we were stubborn,
and we were foolish, retarded, young...
272
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:27,068
Shut up and make love to me already.
273
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:30,697
Or you can fuck me, bang me,
stuff me. Take your pick.
274
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:37,620
- Who's that?
- That'd be my agent, my representation.
275
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,458
Charlie Runkle, Felicia Koons.
276
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,794
Oh, hey, the dean's wife.
277
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,587
Oh, shit.
278
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:49,799
- Nice to meet you, missus.
- Lovely to meet you.
279
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,597
So where were we?
280
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,725
I was leaving my husband for you.
281
00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,313
Hold on a second.
282
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:17,160
Hey, come on, man,
you want to get in on this?
283
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:20,496
- You guys are fucking foul.
- You sure? We got an open hole.
284
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:23,124
Sweetheart, you OK?
285
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,918
Don't worry.
They're paying for it. Handsomely.
286
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:28,129
Well, I'm paying for it very handsomely.
287
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:31,132
Hey, I left my wallet at home.
Don't be such a fucking schnorr.
288
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:34,093
Jesus. I'm losing my wood.
Come on, say it, baby, say it.
289
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:37,555
I'm getting fucked by Rick Springfield.
290
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,974
You better love somebody
291
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:45,897
It's late, you better love somebody
292
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:49,400
- You OK out here? What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
293
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:52,820
Oh, that? I got an apartment full of classics,
and you gotta go with that one?
294
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,281
What's the big deal? I've heard good things.
295
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,867
Yeah? Well, what do you think?
Thoughts, criticisms?
296
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:01,370
- What do you got?
- I like it, a lot. She's a good writer.
297
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:03,039
My kind of girl, obviously.
298
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,750
So, can we leave yet?
299
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:08,377
No, I still got some fires to put out.
300
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,297
OK. Are you proud of me for quitting?
301
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,425
Absolutely. You done good, kiddo.
302
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,010
Thanks.
303
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:20,181
Don't think we're done with the
boyfriend-girlfriend conversation just yet.
304
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:30,983
Hello, Hank.
305
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:36,697
- Morning, Stacy.
- The front door was open.
306
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:39,784
I can be very neighbourly that way.
307
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,995
You never called me Stacy before.
Wonder why.
308
00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:45,790
I don't know. Just rolled
trippingly off the tongue this morning.
309
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:50,086
Something must be different.
That's right. You fucked my wife.
310
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,797
OK. Well, there's that.
311
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,050
What could you say?
What could you possibly say, Hank,
312
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:59,428
to take away the hurt
and the pain of being cuckolded?
313
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:03,975
I got nothin'. I got nothin' at all.
314
00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:07,186
I'm sorry. The well is dry.
315
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,105
I think you should hit me. Want to hit me?
316
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,357
Head, gut, it doesn't matter. It's only fair.
317
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,192
No, I don't want to hit you, Hank.
318
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:15,403
I just want to try to understand,
how do you do it?
319
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:19,740
- Do what?
- Well, you obviously have this...
320
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:23,161
this thing with women,
some very strong connection,
321
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:26,372
that no matter what you do,
no matter how big of an ass you are,
322
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:27,915
they seem to respond.
323
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:30,877
- You're a goddamn girl whisperer.
- OK.
324
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:33,171
Have you listened to your wife lately?
325
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,882
She gives every indication
of being a woman scorned.
326
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:38,593
Far be it from me to poke my nose
into the dean's business,
327
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,887
but it seems to me like you hurt her first.
328
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,265
You're right, I did.
329
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,850
I was weak. I cheated.
330
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,269
- Well...
- Stepped outside my marriage.
331
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:51,606
- Humiliated my better half.
- Yeah. It happens.
332
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:54,358
But she was so hot, Hank,
this student of mine.
333
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,152
- You should have seen her.
- Dean-o.
334
00:19:56,236 --> 00:19:58,362
A priest would have defiled this girl.
335
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,948
You might want to keep
those kind of details to yourself.
336
00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:03,117
Felicia is wonderful.
337
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,620
A beautiful wife, a beautiful mother.
338
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:08,080
I was in love with her
the first moment I set eyes on her.
339
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:11,334
I knew she was the one. She was
always a little reserved in the sack.
340
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:12,960
- The British, you know.
- Yeah.
341
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,087
There was never a surplus of oral,
342
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:17,924
and whatever there was dried up
right after the wedding.
343
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,800
- OK.
- I never understood that.
344
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:22,428
- Yeah. Here you go.
- A man likes to get his dick sucked.
345
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:23,971
Well, you know.
346
00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:26,515
Maybe if you took a goddamn shower
once in a while.
347
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,851
Do you really think a woman
wants to go down on a man
348
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,770
who just walked in off the tennis court?
349
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:32,730
Or just came in from a ride, huh?
350
00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:37,151
You think I want to peel off those sweaty
bike shorts and go to town? Disgusting!
351
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:40,238
I'm sorry, Felicia,
but that just so happens to be
352
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,282
when this man is at his horniest,
you know that.
353
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:46,619
- Have you heard of compromise?
- Compromise. I like where this is going.
354
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,913
Divorce court, that's where this is going.
355
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:50,456
What are you doing here anyway?
356
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,541
A free pass means once,
no repeat business.
357
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,377
We're gonna discuss this in therapy.
358
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,003
- Just you watch.
- Excellent idea.
359
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:59,090
- Therapise the fuck out of this shit.
- And you're coming with us.
360
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,133
- That's an awful idea.
- It is awful.
361
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:03,135
Do you know how much of my life
I've wasted
362
00:21:03,178 --> 00:21:05,304
pretending we can jabber
through our issues?
363
00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:08,099
No more, Stacy. No more.
364
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,892
I'm in love with someone else.
365
00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:14,313
Are you in love with my wife, Hank?
366
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,235
That's a ridiculous question.
367
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,613
Well, she seems to be in love with you.
Do you feel the same?
368
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,410
- Feel the same?
- Do you love her?
369
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:39,547
- What do we have here?
- What are you doing home?
370
00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:42,800
- School closed? What is it, a snow day?
- What are you guys doing here?
371
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:45,553
I believe that question should be
directed at you, young lady.
372
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:49,557
- Copy that, motherfucker.
- I left one of my books here. I needed it.
373
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:52,768
Well, you could have called me.
I would have brought it to you.
374
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:55,771
I'm gonna take you right back to school now,
you little guttersnipe.
375
00:21:55,856 --> 00:22:00,067
No more double-talk. I'm taking your lying,
no-account ass back to school, pronto.
376
00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:03,154
- Excellent idea. Let's go.
- Wait a second. Why are you guys here?
377
00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:06,282
- Actually, we were chatting about you.
- Yes.
378
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,576
We were talking about
your offensive behaviours,
379
00:22:08,618 --> 00:22:12,121
which apparently seem now
to be not so unjustified, do they?
380
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,457
Hey, Becca. Becca?
381
00:22:19,671 --> 00:22:22,173
- Dad?
- Yes, daughter?
382
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,885
Why is there a naked lady in my bedroom?
383
00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:27,261
Is that my kimono?
384
00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:28,512
Yeah.
385
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:31,015
- Way to go, Hank.
- Oh, my God.
386
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:35,269
Were you sleeping with your TA
the whole time you were sleeping with me?
387
00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:38,397
- What? Mom!
- Well, to be fair, it was only the once.
388
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,901
- Bullshit.
- No, I was referring to Flea and I.
389
00:22:41,943 --> 00:22:44,612
- I counted three times.
- All in one night doesn't count.
390
00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:46,864
Your dad's fucking my mom.
391
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:50,868
- Dad, anything to say about this?
- I think this calls for a family meeting.
392
00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:52,370
- Good thinking.
- Anyway?
393
00:22:52,412 --> 00:22:55,247
What is it?
394
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,541
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my God!
395
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:01,587
What the fuck?
Is that Rick Springfield?
396
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:03,589
You bet your khaki-clad ass, white man.
397
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,716
- Oh, holy shit.
- You a fan?
398
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:07,802
Where the fuck's that fire extinguisher?
399
00:23:07,844 --> 00:23:10,471
- Hey, what's up, sweetheart?
- Sorry.
400
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:13,891
You have got to be shitting me.
401
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:16,227
Please tell me
you have not been fucking her.
402
00:23:16,269 --> 00:23:18,270
Hey, not in front of the children.
403
00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:20,231
And not last night. I was being good.
404
00:23:20,273 --> 00:23:22,358
I was an officer and a gentleman. Tell her.
405
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:25,403
- Are these my pants?
- Wait, who else has he been fucking?
406
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:28,989
You? Oh, gross.
407
00:23:29,032 --> 00:23:31,784
- Sorry, man, I just...
- So you, too, then?
408
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:34,787
- No. Thanks. He's just fucking my mom.
- Watch your mouth.
409
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:37,248
Dad, seriously?
Man up and grow a pair already.
410
00:23:37,290 --> 00:23:39,417
You're gonna let this asshole
steal your wife?
411
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:42,461
- Hey! That's my father you're talking about.
- Thank you, Becca.
412
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:45,840
- I can't believe I quit stripping for you.
- I still think it's a solid move.
413
00:23:45,882 --> 00:23:49,593
Now, if you'll all excuse me,
I appear to have an actual fire to put out.
414
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:54,765
- Sorry about that, dude.
- That's Rick Springfield.
415
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:16,954
OK.
416
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:40,186
Come on, honey,
we should really get you to school.
417
00:24:40,228 --> 00:24:42,396
I can't believe you slept with all of them.
418
00:24:42,439 --> 00:24:46,567
- It's not that simple, sweetheart.
- All of them.
419
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:49,820
Yes, I suppose I did. Yeah.
420
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:51,530
Why?
421
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,866
I don't know. I don't know.
422
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,994
That's not good enough.
I want to know why.
423
00:24:57,037 --> 00:24:59,872
There has to be a reason.
Make me understand.
424
00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:05,461
- It just sort of happened.
- Why do you do things like that?
425
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:08,964
Because I'm an idiot, obviously.
426
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:13,385
No, you're not allowed to feel sorry
for yourself, not right now.
427
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:15,221
You need to talk to me.
428
00:25:15,263 --> 00:25:18,307
You need to tell me
why you do the things you do
429
00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:21,435
when you know that people
can get seriously hurt,
430
00:25:21,478 --> 00:25:23,062
myself included.
431
00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:27,441
God damn it, I hate it
when you're mad at me.
432
00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:29,693
I'm not mad at you.
433
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:33,113
You wouldn't get mad at a big, dumb dog
for shitting on the rug, would you?
434
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:36,075
I would, but I'm a harsh taskmaster.
That's just me.
435
00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:39,036
What do you want me to take away
from this, from how you treat women?
436
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:42,998
- Oh, Jesus.
- Is that all they are to you, walking vaginas?
437
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:51,799
There's no excuse for my behaviour.
438
00:25:51,841 --> 00:25:55,344
There's no defence if somebody
got hurt, especially you.
439
00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:58,639
But I need you to know that I started out
with the best of intentions.
440
00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:03,060
I guess I just wanted them all to see it,
441
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:05,187
the thing that makes them special.
442
00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:10,401
I guess that's all anybody wants
is to be seen, to be recognised.
443
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:13,988
Then the lines get blurry,
444
00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:17,283
and the fact that your mom and I
are in such a weird place.
445
00:26:18,785 --> 00:26:22,913
Yeah. Hence the big stinking mess.
446
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,459
But I'm sorry if I let you down, sweetie,
447
00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:31,630
and I don't know how much more
I'm gonna be able to say I'm sorry
448
00:26:31,673 --> 00:26:35,175
before it doesn't mean anything any more.
449
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,054
I don't know, either.
450
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:42,766
But I have this funny feeling
we're gonna find out.
451
00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:52,818
Hey, honey.
452
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:56,322
Yeah, yeah, she's at school...
453
00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:59,074
receiving her education.
454
00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:04,121
Yeah, I'm gonna pick her up
and take her to get some ice cream.
455
00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:06,332
Shoot the shit, bridge the gap.
456
00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:09,043
Just like old times. Yeah.
457
00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:14,256
Well, I love you, too.
458
00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:17,343
Skype you later? All right.
459
00:27:22,599 --> 00:27:26,602
Where are my fucking clothes?
36164
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