All language subtitles for Californication S03E07 [1080p] [x265] [pseudo]

- You're my student.
- Not any more, I'm not.

This is so not fair.

Previously on Californication...

I've never stepped outside
of my marriage before.

Who in their right mind
would step out on His Royal Deanness?

I am flattered, but I...

And I'm wet.

Hard and wet,
that's a winning combination.

What? Not even a hello.

What? Were you just
gonna leave me behind?

You're saying we just pack up
and leave LA?

The three of us,
move back to New York together?

Yeah, end of the semester.

For the first time in my life, I'm happy,

and you want me to move
someplace I have no friends?

- What did you say your name was?
- She didn't. Next.

Runkle is ankling!

Rick fucking Springfield is here in my house
right fucking now?

'80s pop legend Rick Springfield
is in there stealing your girl.

You have to out-fuck Rick Springfield.

The only time I ever
made Marcy squeal like that

was when I put the ring on her finger.

Destroy me, Rick Springfield!

Christ on the cross, Hank.
My lungs are about to explode.

You didn't have to come.

You could have stayed home and made
the fucky-fucky with the boss lady.

Laugh all you want.

How many people can say they've been in
the same honey pot as Jack Nicholson?

How many people in the LA phone book?

Who am I kidding?
I used to be Charlie Runkle.

Now...

I'm Runkle!

Look at us, Runkle.
LA has made us soft.

You used to be able to run for the Lexington
Avenue Express with the best of them,

elbowing investment wankers
out of the way.

Cellphone in one hand,
mammoth ball sack in the other,

a Hollywood Reporter between your teeth,

not even breathing so you wouldn't
inhale the fucking piss stench.

Jesus Christ, we're out here cos of Karen,
aren't we?

That's right. The gods have seen fit to give
me another shot with the soul mate.

She's in New York feathering the nest,
and I got to be ready for her,

mentally... physically... sexually.

Maybe it's time to stop banging
the entire college campus.

Right you are, motherfucker!

Right as rain.

It's time for me to grow up,
do the right thing.

Easier said than done, though, huh?

No, Jackie's 23. She's not looking
to make those breasteses exclusive.

And Jill, she knows I got a snip and a baby.

And Felicia, I'm just a daydream to her.
An escape hatch from the deanery.

Shit, I can get this done in one day.
Breakfast, lunch, dinner,

then home for some cybersex
with the soul mate.

- That's not a bad idea.
- You kidding? It's a terrible idea.

The lighting is subpar,

very difficult to properly showcase
one's dangling majesty.

But it sure beats phone-ilingus.

You wanted to see me, Professor Moody?

Jackie, my prize pupil.
Come on in. Have a seat and shut the door.

Or wait. Don't shut the door.

I don't know. What do you think?

Well, I think you're more
of a thrill-seeker than I thought

if you want to fuck me with the door open.

I know. You know, I think,
as you got to know me,

you'd find I was a fuddy-duddy,
just an old-fashioned...

Yeah, I actually wanted
to talk to you about that.

I think we need to spice things up a little bit.

I'm getting sort of tired
of being on top all the time.

Well, don't knock cowgirl.

That's my favourite posish.
I do some of my best work from the bottom.

- You know why?
- Why?

I got my hands free.
It's like sexual Bluetooth.

- I missed you. It's been a while.
- Yeah, about that...

- Did you miss me?
- Well, sure I did. Tons.

Look, here's the thing.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Seriously?

- You're trying to end this thing.
- A thing, is it?

Well, it sounds to me
like you're dumping me.

That's harsh when you put it that way,

but that's exactly right,
in a manner of speaking.

- You're lovely, the loveliest of the loveliest.
- This is because of that woman, isn't it?

Who was in class the other day.
Your old lady.

That's the woman what done it, yes.

So, you're back with her now?

She is the mother of my child.

And she doesn't mind you
sleeping with students

who aren't very much older than that child?

Well, that is low.

Coming from the guy who loved my work
and found me oh-so-talented,

but now has grown tired of fucking me.

- Really? Have I made you feel that way?
- It's cool. Don't sweat it.

It's not like it was serious, right?

- Just fun?
- Fun it was.

- Besides, I'm a sex worker, right?
- What does that mean?

Don't worry about me. I can't get hurt.

I'm just a hot piece of stripper ass.

You have your fun with me,
and then you're done. I got it, loud and clear.

- I don't like the way that sounds.
- Well, maybe I don't like the way it feels.

- Jackie, I'm sorry.
- Sorry!

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.

No need to make a fuss.
We can handle this like adults.

In fact, since I'm right here

why not just blow you one more time?

Well...

- No, that's really not necessary, no...
- Come on.

Just let the sex worker do
what the sex worker does best.

- No, no, no, no.
- Moody, I...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
what is going on here?

This is so not what it seems.

I knew it. I knew you were
a depraved lunatic.

Well, that may very well be the case,
but things are not always as they appear.

Good God, man, your fly is open.

Thank you for embarrassing me
in front of my student.

What do you have to say
for yourself, Jackie?

Well, he said he'd give me an A.

That is some fucked-up
shit right there, woman. Reverse course.

I'm gonna have you
drawn and quartered.

Maybe Jackie's gonna want
to press charges

against the ageing degenerate who
compromised her college experience.

- Maybe I will.
- What the fuck?

- But I can't.
- Why on earth not?

Cos I was just kidding.

- You were kidding?
- Look, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.

He was just giving me notes on a story.

We were talking about the ending,

- actually, of the story, right?
- Yes.

- And he thinks it's over.
- Right.

- But I know that it's just begun.
- Right.

But don't worry, Dean Koons, really.

He's never done anything
even remotely inappropriate.

Really, he's very boring,

and so not my type.

I like 'em darker, handsomer.

God, you have great eyebrows, sir.

A girl could really get lost in those things.

- He's got pretty blue eyes, too, doesn't he?
- Gorgeous.

Thank you. Thank you, Jackie.
That's very kind of you.

You're welcome. Thanks for the help.

I'll show myself out.

You have a thunderous erection now.

I'll close the door, give you some privacy.

Oh, yeah. That's mama's sweet spot.

Lower. Lower.

Another two inches,
I'll read your spec script.

- No, I don't do that.
- You're one of those, huh?

No happy endings, just cliffhangers.
Well, get the fuck out of here!

I've grown weary. I have work to do.

Runkle! I need you on my carpet!

Crazy bitch.

Morning, Sue.

That guy! Fired up the grill and walked
out of here with an uncooked wiener.

Can you believe that?

It's what happens when Buddhists
commandeer a profession

that rightfully belongs to well-hung Swedes.

So it is. What about you?
Have you emptied the chamber today?

- Well, as a matter of fact...
- Of course you have. You're Runkle.

You'd whack it to a cat
dancing on YouTube.

But I'm in the mood.

- Want to fire off another round, huh?
- Phone call for you, Sue.

Rhonda, you know better than to interrupt
me when I'm entertaining a gentleman.

- It's him.
- Him?

Everybody out.

How you doing?

Everything good out here?
You hip-pocketing anyone?

That was always my move as an assistant.

I know she's seen your penis.

Guess what, Rhonda? She's not alone.

11,000 hits on RedTube.

Don't go anywhere, Runkle.

I need you.

Jillybean.

Nice to see you.

Wow, classy.

Moody, real tablecloths.
You trying to tell me something?

Cos I didn't even think we were dating,
per se.

That's interesting, because...
I've been doing some thinking,

- and I wanted to...
- Yeah, me too.

You have?

- Ladies first.
- Actually, not that much thinking,

just a medium amount of thinking,

cos too much with the thinking,
that does me in.

That's how I jinx things. So now I'm just
taking it slow, going day by day.

What were you gonna say?

OK.

- OK, look, here's the thing.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my sweet fucking God.

- What?
- Jack.

My egg-waster.

- That's the ex dull normal?
- Yeah.

The guy I waited half a fucking decade
to propose to me.

- That guy?
- Yes!

And he dumped me,
in a place just like this.

- Fucking Italian food.
- Really? That is a dick move.

Yeah. And you know what else?

He said it was unethical for him
to keep dating me,

knowing that I wanted
to get married and have kids,

and he wasn't ready for those things.

Well, see, that sounds
pretty morally upstanding to me.

- In fact...
- Really?

Cos it didn't stop him from having
regular sex with me for five years.

But you could have gotten rid of him.
Wash that man right out of your hair.

Boom! End of problem.

Have you ever thought about being
the dumper instead of the dumpee?

That's not a bad idea.

- Why don't you practise on me now?
- Oh, my God!

She has a ring. Look!
Look at her finger.

Do you see that monstrosity on her finger?

They're fucking engaged!

Oh, my God, I...

- What is my move? What do I do?
- There is no move.

- I have to go and say hi.
- No! Fuck, no. You don't say hi.

- But that's what normal people do.
- Jill, you've got to get out of your own way.

The only thought in your head right now
should be, "Fuck that guy."

I'm really starting to think
that's the only piece of advice you have.

- This is what you should do.
- What are you doing?

Oh, my God, Moody. Moody.

- Oh, my God, it is you.
- Yeah?

Yeah, it's me, buddy. Kind of busy here.

Well, excuse me for having the nerve
to come up to you and say hi in public.

Don't blow me off. I just wanted you
to know that I got the test results back.

And, shit,
I hope you have the courage

to inform the rest
of your sexual partners,

because Lord knows I never had the herp

before you blew me until I was shooting
blood at the Palm Springs White Party.

Whatever.

I hope you and your beard

have a wonderful rest of the day.

- Now...
- Oh, God.

OK, can I just tell you
that being incredibly sweet

and sensitive to my situation right now

is not making me want to fuck you any less.

Let's go, baby.

OK, so here's the thing.

He's my life, Charlie.
He's my first client.

I can't lose him. I am fucked if I lose him.

Let me handle this for you, Sue.

Knock-knock. Runkle calling.

How you doing there?

Hello, hello. I'm Charlie Runkle and...

Are you the law?

Or are you an outlaw?

Cos there's only one I can abide.

Sue...

Susan.

No harm, man.

Come in peace.

- I owe you an apology.
- Don't do this.

Just get your head out of your ass,
and you don't have to apologise.

- Come on, Sue, you know I love you.
- Then why change?

It's not about chasing
some shiny Hollywood dream.

Hell, I've snorted, fucked and smoked
everything Hollywood has to offer.

It's about my legacy.

These young bulldogs from UTK
came up nipping at my heels,

saying they could put my face
on a salad-dressing bottle

and sell millions for charity.

Paul Newman-type shit.

Shit is exactly what it is.

UTK gives that speech
to every potential client over 50.

It's how they poach boomers,
by preying on idealism.

Who the fuck are you?

I am Charlie Runkle.

You can call me Chuck.

Look, what they want to do is turn you
into a corporate brand, man.

Forget Paul Newman. UTK is more likely
to put your name on a McDonald's cup.

- Sue here is the one...
- Stop the vomit.

Listen, Sue.

Did you bring me one of those MBA twerps,
or is this guy a man?

- Oh, no. He's a man.
- Right.

Well, then let's settle this like men.

You want me to fight you?

You lick me, I go with her.

I lick you, you will leave the premises.

All right, Runkle.

- I... wha...
- Pound him!

- I'm not gonna hit an old man.
- I heard that, pantywaist.

Forget to take your Pamprin this morning?

OK, then.

How do you propose we do this, huh?

We're gonna do it tiger style?

Or do you like the spider?

- Come on.
- Sue is Sue!

She believes in people, not brands.

She had your back
when you were living in her van.

She'll have it till the day you die.
That's my fucking bad nipple!

You want your face
on some salad dressing,

Sue will get you some
motherfucking salad dressing.

God, fuck.

My goddamn sciatica.

Fuck the whimpering dog pack!

Go with the lioness!

I'm in. Get the fuck off me.

Runkle.

Come on, you.

Come on.

You almost gave me
a heart attack, you old bear.

Oh, Susie, you know
I never would have left you.

I didn't want to sign with those UTK guys.

They're the laugh of the town, with that
agent that's masturbating all the time.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

That place is unsavoury.

Professor Moody.

- You shouldn't have.
- Can I come in?

Not the best of times, actually.

Well, I have some important things
to discuss, weighty things.

Stuff I'd like to get off my chest.

Well, by all means, then.

- I really do have a meeting.
- OK, OK.

So look, here's the thing.
No. No, no. This is yummier.

You're quitting. I know.

You're moving
back to New York, aren't you?

- You and Kelly will give it another go.
- Karen. Karen.

Whatever. The point is,
I assumed you'd be moving back.

Not to worry, we'll be fine. Life goes on.

I'm sure I could just cruise
by Home Depot

and find someone
more suitable for the job.

Well, you can't say
we didn't give it a shot, right?

We gave it the old college try, didn't we?

- Did you, Hank?
- I like to think so.

Oh, well, that's all that matters, then.

You seem rather annoyed with me.

- It's all for the best, really.
- What's for the best?

Well, seeing as though I made
an absolute fool out of myself,

I can't say that I'm entirely sad
to see you go.

No, it's true, really. You know...

I offered myself to you,
and you weren't interested.

That's not exactly how it went down.

You have some serious relationship issues
to attend to, as do I.

And the most that we could have offered
each other is some...

sexual healing.

Pleasures of the flesh
and whatnot, that's all.

- But that's exactly what I was looking for.
- Oh, no, no. You say that, but...

- No, it is.
- No, but...

After a while, I would
work my way under your skin

like the slow-moving fungus that I am.

And you... I've always
been a sucker for a woman

who's a boy on my arm
and a puma in the bedroom.

If only I could have just had one little nibble.

- A nibble's not enough. We both know that.
- Yeah. It's all for the best.

- So we're cool?
- Yes, we're cool.

OK.

That's my meeting.

You know what? You can go out this door
if it's more convenient.

But my car is right out front,
so why don't I just...

Of course. I'll see you out.
Wait, wait.

- David.
- Hey.

- Come in.
- You look good.

I'm sorry. Am I early?
Am I interrupting something?

- Not at all.
- Yeah, well, he kind of is.

Nonsense. Professor Moody
was just leaving.

Hank Moody. David Wilder.
Big fan. Big, big fan.

David's another of our notorious writers
at the university.

Yeah, The Hardest Of Woods.
I'm aware.

Before you came along, I was in
a fair amount of trouble with this one

for bedding the local talent.
So thanks for taking the pressure off me.

You're welcome...
I guess.

Yeah, it's given me a hell of a lot
of time to work on my writing, which is nice.

You know, I like to sit at my desk,
and I like to brew up a big mug of word tea.

Word tea? Sure.

You should probably go.
We have work to discuss.

Where exactly is
His Royal Deanness this evening?

He's out with friends,
recreating the battle of Chickamauga.

- That's very interesting.
- No, it's not, actually. It's dull as shit.

You're doing it, aren't you? Cashing in
your freebie, your marital hall pass.

- I don't know what you mean.
- Yeah, you do.

You'll stick it to the deaner by letting Wilder
show you his hardest of woods.

- I beg your pardon.
- Hey, buddy, that is completely out of line.

Don't do it, Felicia.
Don't throw it all away

for a few clumsy minutes
with the poor man's version of me,

- the road-show version of me.
- Hey, you know what?

Bragging's not my thing,
but I can go for hours.

Stay and watch. Be my guest.
Maybe she'll take us both on.

Hank, this is none of your business.

Even if I was cashing
something in or whatever...

Felicia, don't do it.
Don't chuck it all

for the fucking Nutty Professor here.
This is bullshit.

That is uncalled for.
And we both know that I'm not black.

When was the last time, by the way,
that you published anything, Moody?

Easy for you to say.
No, no, no. You have no...

You got back with your ex-whatever, just as
things were starting to heat up between us.

You know what, Felicia? It's up to you.

You know that I would jump at the
opportunity to make sweet, hard love to you.

You have the ass of a ten-year-old boy.

Hank, please, just go.
It's too little, too late. I can't.

Fine. You're a big girl.

You can make your own decisions.

Be good to her, Wilder.
She's way out of your league.

I concur. Hey, Moody...

I have a book coming out this spring.

Do you think maybe
you can write me up a blurb?

What's this one called,
The Buoyancy Of Turds?

Think about it. I'll send you a copy, OK?

I think he's drunk.

So how do you want to do this?

Do you want to just kick back
and start with a little oral, huh?

Do you want a little bit of this?
Or should I go for a little bit of that?

Because I'll tell you something,
I could eat that peach all night long.

I just camp out...

S'mores.

Yeah, I think you'll find that
I'm a very giving and caring lover...

So don't worry...

Fine, I'll do it.

You want to throw your life away, use me.

What? That's the most
ridiculous thing I've...

Please! Go!

Wilder, go brew yourself
a big mug of word tea...

and dip your balls in it.

Behind The Green Door
is available on Blu-ray.

LaserDisc.

People who sold their LaserDiscs
were absolute assholes.

Fools and assholes.

- What?
- Flip it.

Flip it!

Wow. OK.

So where is the man
of the house this evening?

Berlin.

Think he is bidding
on an Egyptian fertility amulet.

It's quite rare, really.

It's the world's first depiction of a butt plug.

Excellent. Excellent.

Good for him.

I must toast you.

- What you did today was astonishing.
- Thank you, Sue.

When you started, I thought,

"My God, this man
has diarrhoea of the mouth

"and there is no kaopectate in sight."

But the poetry
that poured out of you...

I mean, you cast your rod,

and you hooked the old swordfish,

and you reeled him in by his taint.

To Charles W Runkle, my hero.

No. No.

To you, Sue.

Well, look at that.

So let's get this party started!

Toot?

Why not?

Wow, that's a nice coke straw.

Very classy.

Yeah. It was given to me
by a female member of Fleetwood Mac.

- Stevie Nicks?
- I can't say.

But it wasn't Christine McVie

or Lindsey Buckingham.

Yeah, Lindsey's a dude.

Exactly.

I have a deviated septum.

Well, you really shouldn't
touch this stuff at all.

That really burns.

I want you to do me a solid, Runkle.

I need you to blow this up my bum.

You know, a tush toot.

The old coke in the can, huh?

No biggie.

No, it's no biggie...

No biggie at all.

Got anything a little longer?

We'll use this.

Not so fast. Where you going
on a school night, young lady?

Actually, I was hoping
we could go grab some ice cream,

make those Cold Stone guys
work for their tips.

Really? What, like me and you?

Together?

Like father and daughter, almost, together?

To the Stone that is Cold, together?

That's cool.

What the fuck?

Hank! Mr Moody.

You're not gonna "Mr Hank"
your way out of this one, Chelsea.

- Jesus Christ.
- Becca said you'd be gone.

- Dad, can you please be cool?
- Be cool?

I don't know how much spunk this kid
has deposited all over your bedroom!

OK, that was unsavoury, all right?
But it had to be said. Now, time to go!

Come on, Chelsea.

You limping, Hank?

Yes, I went jogging this morning, Chelsea,
OK? Now go.

You're not interested in what I'm doing.

Is this really how you want
to spend your school nights?

- I wasn't doing anything wrong.
- You weren't doing anything wrong?

Becca, you invited your friends over

to fuck in your bedroom
while you waited outside.

That is disgusting.

And that's hilarious,
coming from you and all.

What? I don't understand you.

What the fuck are you thinking?
Do you think this house is a bordello?

OK, look...

- Here's the thing.
- Actually, Dad, yes.

This house is a bordello,
because that's how it's run by you!

Don't you try to turn
this around on me. Becca!

Becca! Don't go out that door!

Might as well live whatever life I have left
before you ship me off to New York!

Becca. Becca!

Becca.