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Previously on Californication...
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- Did you two come together?
- No. We just came in together.
3
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:11,301
I've never stepped outside
of my marriage before.
4
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:15,222
But I'm guessing
that you feel like you're owed one.
5
00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:20,644
Come on. You're coming in.
I want to take a look at you.
6
00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:24,732
This is so not fair.
7
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Daisy came to see me.
8
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What'd she say, that little tramp?
9
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:34,450
She said that she had
contracted a few STDs.
10
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:37,036
No, I seriously think
I'm gonna throw up right now.
11
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,955
What could possibly be so awful
about visiting the woman
12
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:42,207
who pushed you through
her magnificent vagina?
13
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:44,126
Chelsea has Lakers tickets.
14
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,627
I'm so excited.
15
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,838
I can't wait to squeeze that little peanut.
16
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,632
I wouldn't get too excited.
She hasn't been very pleasant lately.
17
00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,843
Hey! Look who's here.
18
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,762
Not even a hello. Good times.
19
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:57,389
What? Were you just gonna
leave me behind?
20
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:14,364
- Oh, my God.
- Chelsea. I need to take this.
21
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:17,159
What do you mean? What, are you
with the organ transplant team?
22
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,828
Shut that shit down.
Tell your old man about your weekend.
23
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,789
Start by telling me
how much you missed me.
24
00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:24,333
We had a grand old time.
25
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:27,503
Soaked up some culture, did you?
Museums, shopping, girl talk?
26
00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:29,505
Some dirty-water hot dogs maybe?
27
00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:32,966
- What? Where you going?
- I'm still allowed to pee, aren't I?
28
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:41,558
Remember this?
Remember when you thought...
29
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,185
- Yes.
...that was a good idea?
30
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:46,105
It's awful. I don't recognise her any more.
31
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,190
I told you. She's changed, right?
32
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,859
She's a miserable little bitch
all the time now.
33
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,611
I guess at least we know why, right?
34
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,905
- We do?
- Chelsea.
35
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,325
It's all she cares about any more.
Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea.
36
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,495
Well, it's better than her
caring about a boy, right?
37
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:03,539
Cos you can't get pregnant from your BFF.
38
00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:06,083
At least not without
the aid of a turkey baster.
39
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,960
Hank, this isn't working any more.
40
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:10,546
- What isn't? Don't say that.
- This whole arrangement.
41
00:02:10,588 --> 00:02:13,465
She needs to be living
with me right now, OK?
42
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:17,719
I know she hates me.
And I know she wants to live here with you.
43
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:21,682
But fuck it. We're the parents, right?
We get to decide.
44
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:23,142
- We?
- Yes, we.
45
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:25,477
So what, you're saying
we just pack up and leave LA?
46
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,646
The three of us,
move back to New York together?
47
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:31,150
Well, soon, yeah.
End of the semester, whatever.
48
00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:35,654
This place is toxic. OK?
49
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:38,407
LA is no place to raise a daughter.
50
00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:39,950
- That's my line.
- I know.
51
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,869
You're stealing my shit.
52
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,997
- All right. To our beautiful family...
- Yes.
53
00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:48,542
...our black president,
and my magnificent dong.
54
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:36,798
What the fuck? I'm not even a part
of this fucking family any more?
55
00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:39,801
- Jesus Christ. Karen!
- She gets to decide? How is that fair?
56
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,970
I don't think we were shooting for fair.
Karen!
57
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,764
For the first time in my life, I'm happy,
58
00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:46,350
and you want me to move
someplace I have no friends?
59
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:49,311
New York doesn't mean shit to me.
It isn't the answer to anything!
60
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,064
Telling her together,
I guess that didn't work out so well.
61
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,482
You know what? It kind of came up
62
00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:56,401
while the narcissist
in the family was deep-conditioning.
63
00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:58,695
I can't believe you didn't fight for me.
64
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,865
There's nothing to fight about, honey.
This was always the plan.
65
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,201
Honey, you're gonna
be late to school, OK?
66
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,079
We will talk about it later. I love you.
67
00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:12,960
So, well, the worst is over.
68
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:17,047
Oh, yeah? You think the French Revolution
was over when they stormed the Bastille?
69
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:20,008
No, no. They had a little thing
called the Terror. Years later.
70
00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:23,262
She will get used to the idea.
Who doesn't want to live in New York?
71
00:04:24,138 --> 00:04:27,683
Anyway, Professor, you need to
get dressed, you're gonna be late.
72
00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:30,143
Not that late.
It's a very progressive school.
73
00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:33,188
- The students practically teach themselves.
- No, stop.
74
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,274
- Why? Why?
- Stop! Because.
75
00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:37,609
Well, for a start,
I don't know where you've been.
76
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:40,862
I'm freshly showered, right?
That should count for something.
77
00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:42,572
I don't know where you've been either.
78
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,533
- You do.
- I do?
79
00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:46,326
- Yeah.
- What is that, like a riddle?
80
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:49,204
- You getting all Sphinx-like on me?
- I slept with Bill.
81
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:53,542
I slept with Bill.
82
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,129
I ran into him at NYU
when he was visiting Mia.
83
00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:00,924
She says hi, by the way.
84
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:04,261
Are you OK?
You look a little sick in your stomach.
85
00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:08,598
Shit, you're totally not
joking about this, are you?
86
00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,643
Hank.
87
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:15,605
Come on, honey. It's not that big a deal.
88
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:18,817
I mean, I kind of felt like I owed him one.
89
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:21,236
I did, you know, ruin his life and all.
90
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,363
I mean, that night that I married him,
91
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:26,033
and then I jumped in the car with you.
92
00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:29,244
God, it feels good to tell the truth.
93
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:36,710
Come on, Professor.
Come out of there. Get dressed.
94
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,463
I'm so excited to go to class with you!
95
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,011
"Eva lifts her head from her book
96
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,638
"and regards the curious figure
striding her way.
97
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:50,807
"A faint hint of a smile
appears on her face.
98
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,726
"Adam slows down, reaching her table.
99
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,978
"Their eyes meet, and it looks
like Adam is going to do it.
100
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:58,815
"But what do you know, folks? He averts
his eyes and keeps right on walking,
101
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,817
"jamming his hands in his pockets."
102
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:04,946
OK, so what can we learn
from this early execrable work
103
00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:08,825
from a major, and I do mean major,
American author?
104
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:12,579
And don't be shy.
Rip him a new asshole or three or four.
105
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,706
Go. Dig in.
106
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:22,714
Sir?
107
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,801
Yes.
108
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,387
I think "execrable" is a little harsh.
109
00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,597
I mean, I didn't think it was so bad.
110
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:34,142
And I think those that are auditing this class
really shouldn't participate.
111
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:37,104
- Others?
- I think you should let the woman speak.
112
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:40,857
- Sorry, what did you say your name was?
- She didn't. Next.
113
00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:44,736
Well..."Their eyes meet"?
114
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:48,156
That's a little hokey, don't you think?
And...
115
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:52,828
Eva's whole introduction, really,
is just stupid, you know?
116
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:55,205
- We know she's pretty. We get it.
- And we're out of time.
117
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,457
Look at that. Class has now ended.
118
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,752
Go in peace and love to serve the word.
119
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,844
Well...
120
00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:14,057
Here's the papers on last week's
poetry of Jagger and Richards.
121
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,892
Thank you.
122
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,936
Jill.
123
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,689
Thanks.
124
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:28,280
- Well, then, I'll see you next week.
- Thanks, Jill.
125
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,203
- You are unbelievable.
- What?
126
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,205
So, Adam...
127
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:40,167
- which one are you sleeping with?
- Excuse me?
128
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:44,004
My bets are on the young,
voluptuous student.
129
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:47,591
She's a definite Eva prototype.
130
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,092
Please. There's only one Eva.
131
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,511
Besides, it's against the rules
to sleep with students.
132
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:53,346
Of course. Yes.
133
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,683
- Though when I was in college...
- Jesus.
134
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,685
- I slept...
- "...with my professor." I know!
135
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:02,147
I've heard quite enough about
your sexual goings-on for one day.
136
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,733
I can't believe you kept this ridiculous story.
137
00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:06,943
I mean, you wrote this
when you were, like, 23?
138
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,654
I save everything I write.
All parts of the buffalo.
139
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,616
Especially the stuff about you.
140
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:17,329
Yeah, one-act plays, haikus, grocery lists.
141
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,540
Hank. Oh, Hank.
142
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,335
I'm sorry, I was just wondering
if you were picking up...
143
00:08:23,377 --> 00:08:25,754
- Felicia.
...the girls from school today.
144
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:28,465
- Karen. Karen.
- Hey.
145
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,968
- Felicia.
- Karen. Not the Karen?
146
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,887
The mamacita of my bambina.
147
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,681
- Sí.
- Hey. I'm Becca's mom.
148
00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:39,017
- It's nice to meet you.
- I'm Chelsea's mum.
149
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,770
- Oh, yeah.
- Lovely to meet you finally.
150
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:44,272
Becca must be delighted
to have you back.
151
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,317
- Well, she's not back back.
- Well, no. It's just a quick visit.
152
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,486
You know, my work keeps me
in New York, so...
153
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:53,281
I know. It's so awful, isn't it?
The whole working-mum thing.
154
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:56,117
I'm so lucky with my teaching schedule.
155
00:08:56,160 --> 00:09:00,664
Actually, I'm not working this afternoon,
so I could pick them up if you'd like.
156
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:04,626
No, you know what? That's OK.
I kind of like it. I miss it, actually.
157
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:08,129
Yeah, well,
who doesn't love a carpool line?
158
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,549
Well, then, problem solved, I guess.
159
00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:15,387
- So... Lovely to meet you.
- Yeah. And you. Yes. Yeah, bye.
160
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,183
Oh, my God,
can you believe that woman?
161
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,978
Yeah, she's real classy-like, right?
162
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,481
- What?
- No, and that ridiculous accent.
163
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,816
I mean, what the fuck?
164
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:29,359
- It's pleasant.
- She was like...
165
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,362
"So lovely to meet you. My schedule."
166
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:36,992
But she was taught to speak like...
She's not making it... I think you're jealous.
167
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:39,160
- Are you being jealous?
- No.
168
00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:41,288
If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were.
169
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,708
I mean... No, she is definitely not your type.
170
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:49,254
No.
171
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:55,260
There you are, you VD-riddled sack of shit.
172
00:09:55,303 --> 00:10:00,348
Ten days' worth of antibiotics I have to take,
just in case, mind you.
173
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:03,226
I'm taking 'em too, you know,
and I'm getting tested tomorrow.
174
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:06,605
Yes, dear, but the delicate
balance of yeast in your vagina
175
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,733
isn't as likely to be compromised
by all this shit, now, is it?
176
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:13,820
Just, you know, eat more yogurt.
I'll make you a smoothie.
177
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:17,949
Do I look like I want a fucking smoothie?
178
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:20,493
Whose Corvette is that
blocking the driveway?
179
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:23,830
Rick Springfield. And a smoothie
can be very refreshing on a hot day.
180
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:27,208
- Now you got to be fucking with me.
- What fucking with you?
181
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:30,211
I said, whose car is that
blocking the driveway?
182
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:31,880
And I said Rick Springfield.
183
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:34,549
He's got a big audition tomorrow,
we're running lines.
184
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:38,261
Shut the fuck up. Rick Springfield is running
lines with you in my house right now?
185
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,847
Yes, he's a new client.
I've told you this before.
186
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:44,225
Now, listen to me. I'm gonna be late
coming back from his audition,
187
00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:47,145
so I got everything prepped for our dinner
with Hank and Karen.
188
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:50,565
It's gonna be gumbo.
Everything's going in the pressure cooker.
189
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:54,402
All you have to do is remember
to start the rice, please.
190
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:59,908
Rick fucking Springfield is here in my house
right fucking now?
191
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,785
Yes!
192
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:05,747
- He's upstairs having a nap, sort of.
- Hey, Runkle.
193
00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:09,501
Or, wait. I spoke too soon.
Here's Rick now.
194
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:14,172
Dude, don't you have anything raunchier
than back issues of Gent magazine?
195
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,924
Well...
196
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:19,594
- Hello.
- Oh, my God.
197
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:23,848
You're really...
Rick Springfield in my house right now.
198
00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:27,686
You're very tall and...
199
00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:30,897
and dark and handsome and...
200
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,525
No. Charlie doesn't have
anything raunchier than that,
201
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:37,320
because he likes to, you know,
kick it old school with the pornography.
202
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,447
- Know what I'm saying?
- Church.
203
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,282
Are these my beta-blockers?
204
00:11:41,325 --> 00:11:44,160
- I get real nervous before...
- No, that's just a...
205
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,620
lip gloss.
206
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,498
Back in the old days, Sue used to blow me.
207
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,584
But these days, she likes them younger...
208
00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:53,586
and balder.
209
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,588
- Hey, would you...
- OK. OK!
210
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:58,466
Don't you need to be running along
somewhere, little one?
211
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,635
- Appointments and such?
- No, I'm OK.
212
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:03,096
I just want to stay here
and talk to Rick Springfield.
213
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,181
Not on my watch, OK?
We got work to do.
214
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:08,184
- Lots of it. No time for distractions.
- But... Come on!
215
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:11,563
One more word out of you,
and I'll tell him what the pills are really for.
216
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:18,445
When I was a kid, you spoke
when you were spoken to,
217
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,905
or you were chased
around the kitchen with a wooden spoon.
218
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:24,492
Sorry we weren't put
on this planet to entertain you.
219
00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,911
Untrue. Entertainment for the poor.
220
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:30,582
That's what my mother always called
children. Clearly, she was wrong.
221
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:34,627
- Well, maybe if you weren't poor...
- Excuse me?
222
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,713
Poor? I didn't get that memo.
Are we poor?
223
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:40,717
No offence, Karen, but Becca showed me
a picture of the apartment where you live,
224
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,886
and I've been in dorm rooms
bigger than that.
225
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:45,930
I mean, I think that it would be best
for Becca if she could stay in LA
226
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,308
and at least have some shot at a normal life.
227
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,986
- She did say "No offence."
- OK.
228
00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:04,449
She returns!
229
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,534
Yes!
230
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:09,287
Yes, in! On the fucking line!
231
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:12,123
- I'm gonna take you down, Mommy.
- Oh, Jesus.
232
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:16,503
Is there any sport for which your father
does not have the proper attire?
233
00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:18,505
I bet he swims in a Speedo. Does he?
234
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,925
Yes! Yes! Yes!
235
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:25,720
- Take that, you lazy motherfucker!
- Oh, hello.
236
00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,305
- Felicia.
- All right...
237
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:30,850
You just caught us getting
some exercise. Hello.
238
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,686
- Honey, game's not over.
- That was just a point?
239
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,689
What do you do when you win
a whole match, sacrifice a calf?
240
00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:38,149
- He doesn't...
- Cheers.
241
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:41,110
...actually mean it,
all that trash talking and such.
242
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:43,738
That's just his way.
Stacy, this is Becca's mum.
243
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,907
- Karen!
- Hi.
244
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,159
So nice to meet you.
Heard so much about you.
245
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,702
- Delighted.
- Thank you.
246
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,663
You should stay for dinner.
247
00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:54,332
- Just you, not him.
- OK, give me that racket.
248
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,669
The dean has just requested a heaping
helping of my backhand for dinner.
249
00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:00,880
- Yes, of course, you must stay.
- Oh, well, you know,
250
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:04,968
that's really kind, but we have plans.
We're meeting some friends, so...
251
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,220
Their friends, not mine.
252
00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:09,973
Yes. But the point is we're going as a family.
253
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,475
Tout ensemble. So that's the point.
254
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:15,103
And I'd rather stay here with this family.
255
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:19,190
Isn't she sweet? You know
you're always welcome here, Becca.
256
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,986
- Yes. Always.
- Your mom is visiting from New York.
257
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,612
Your mom... Have you met your mom?
258
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,574
She's only here for a little while.
You want to spend time with her, no?
259
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:30,201
No. Once you drag me back to New York,
260
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:33,288
all I'm going to be doing
is spending time with my mother.
261
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:37,208
- I certainly won't have any friends.
- All right, Becca, apologise to your mother.
262
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,294
It's fine. It's really fine.
263
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:43,047
You know what? It seems like you have
an open invitation here, so if...
264
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:45,550
Of course! It's no problem
if you want to stay for dinner.
265
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:48,177
That way you two can have
a lovely time with your friends.
266
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,597
Yes. Thank you, Felicia.
267
00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:00,064
Karen couldn't make it.
268
00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,858
Not feeling well.
269
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,737
- Yes!
- Surprise!
270
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:07,572
- Oh, look at you.
- Look at you.
271
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,532
- I miss you.
- Is this for me?
272
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:12,327
- What, my muumuu?
- You look like America's Next Top Smurf.
273
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:14,662
It's just the schmatte
I wear around the house. What?
274
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,582
- In with you!
- Where's the Runkle-ator?
275
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:21,419
Well, he's stuck in traffic
on his way over from the Valley.
276
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:24,422
That man is dead to me, by the way.
Do you see this?
277
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:27,467
This hideous VD-type pustule on my face?
278
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:28,801
No, not really.
279
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,511
- That is disgusting.
- Yeah.
280
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,096
- Shut up.
- You see it, right?
281
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:35,224
- Oh, yeah, it's deep in there.
- Guess what? He gave it to me. Thanks.
282
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:38,394
And he tried to rape me, by the way.
But how are you?
283
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,481
I'm good. You know, Becca, she's...
284
00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:43,399
- Hello. Hello!
- I know.
285
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,360
Make way for the victors.
286
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,612
- Victory.
- He got the part?
287
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,823
- You got the part? Oh, my God!
- It's so good to see you...
288
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:52,992
- Oh, my God...
- Congratulations!
289
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,536
- Is that Rick Springfield?
- I believe it is, yeah.
290
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:59,040
And who are you, pretty lady?
291
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,839
Rick Springfield and Andy Gibb
on Solid Gold.
292
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,591
This means nothing to you?
293
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,636
I remember. Everybody loved
Rick Springfield, right?
294
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:14,055
She just didn't have
the poster over her bed.
295
00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:17,308
I'm guessing you practised
your she-bopping to that, huh?
296
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:20,311
You know what always
used to start my motor? Mannix.
297
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:24,023
That tall Armenian
with a great head of hair.
298
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:28,069
Just thinking of him
still gets my juices flowing.
299
00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,572
Teen fantasies are great, OK?
300
00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:34,784
- You know, I've had some of my own.
- Oh, yeah, what, you?
301
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,161
Duran Duran?
Boy George?
302
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,123
Cheryl Tiegs, thank you very much.
303
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:43,626
My point is, you have to remember,
musicians, actors, models...
304
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,004
these are people with flaws and such.
305
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:49,966
I mean, there's no way they could possibly
live up to the excitement, the mystery
306
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,885
that our tortured teen psyches
choose to project upon them.
307
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,430
- That's my point.
- Oh, my God.
308
00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:58,474
I made a girl come seven times once.
309
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,729
Over the course of an entire relationship?
310
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,189
All in a row?
311
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,151
Sweet Jesus.
312
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,653
Who's ready for dessert? I know I am.
313
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,406
Cheers to you, Rick Springfield.
Hold on a second.
314
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,207
What are you doing moping in the fridge?
315
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:26,252
'80s pop legend Rick Springfield
is in there stealing your girl.
316
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,713
Not Jessie's Girl, your girl. Runkle's girl.
317
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,632
- I'm well aware of this fact.
- So get in there and make her jealous.
318
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,428
- With what? You gonna loan me Karen?
- That's disgusting. What's wrong with you?
319
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,764
- What's wrong with you?
- Fuck you.
320
00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:40,558
Y'ello.
Shit, really?
321
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:43,978
All right, we'll...
Yeah. We'll be right over.
322
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,688
- We got to go.
- What?
323
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,191
Little problem with the offspring.
Don't panic, no.
324
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:51,944
It seems Becca and Chelsea
staged a raid on the dean's wine cellar.
325
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,198
Oh, my God.
I knew that Chelsea was trouble.
326
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,741
- Honey...
- OK.
327
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,701
- Call me later.
- Bye. Very nice to meet you.
328
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,828
- I hope she's OK.
- Bye, Rick Springfield.
329
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,997
Bye, guys.
330
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:06,584
Do you want to...
331
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,045
go up to my room
and listen to some records?
332
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,841
- Only if they're mine.
- Church.
333
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,015
So, Runkle,
334
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,059
what are you serving for dessert?
335
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,103
I know what I want.
336
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:28,064
Tube steak. Yes, I know.
337
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:33,736
Listen, Sue, this is
a really difficult time for me right now,
338
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:37,782
and besides, I should probably let you know
I think I have VD.
339
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:42,036
No worries.
Just slap a bag on it, and I'm good to go.
340
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,875
Welcome.
341
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:52,922
Glass of Cab?
Fuck, I forget what fucking year this is.
342
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,465
- Stacy!
- She's drunk.
343
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,217
- No.
- Look at her.
344
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,137
- She can't even walk in a straight line.
- Felicia, are you drunk?
345
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:00,972
Just a tiny bit.
346
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:04,016
Seemed such a shame to let
all that perfectly good wine go to waste.
347
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,853
They opened about $3,000 worth.
348
00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:09,605
Which is the one you were saving
for our 20th anniversary?
349
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,440
Not that we're ever gonna get there.
350
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,985
Darling, I think you should
slow down a little bit.
351
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:16,028
Karen, may I get you a glass?
352
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:19,657
I've got an '82 Pétrus,
an '86 Château Margaux,
353
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,952
and a '92 Screaming Eagle Cab
that'll blow your mind.
354
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,747
- What can I get you?
- This is not some fucking social occasion!
355
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:29,709
I have come here to collect my daughter!
OK? So where is she?
356
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:30,877
Becca!
357
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:33,045
- I understand your concern, but...
- Becca!
358
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,257
...is profanity really warranted?
- Where the fuck is she?
359
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,551
Big house. They keep
the kids chained in the basement.
360
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,344
- Hank!
- She's not as scary as she seems.
361
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:42,388
She's had anger-management issues.
362
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:45,057
- Thank you.
- Excellent. A whole family of sociopaths.
363
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,603
OK, in this case, maybe she's right.
We should get Becca and leave.
364
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,354
- Yes!
- Whatever you like.
365
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:54,567
I don't see why we can't all just sit down
as adults and talk this thing through.
366
00:19:54,651 --> 00:19:56,652
What? Your idea of shitty parenting?
367
00:19:56,737 --> 00:20:00,364
Well, I don't think that's our place
to comment, even though you're right.
368
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:03,284
Let's all just try to keep cool heads,
shall we?
369
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,995
The girls are just testing our boundaries.
370
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,122
It's all perfectly normal for their age range.
371
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,166
Normal for Chelsea, maybe.
372
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,628
- Are you implying this is Chelsea's fault?
- I'm not implying anything.
373
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,422
- I'm just saying it flat out.
- You've got a lot of nerve.
374
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:19,008
Shit, now you've angered the dean.
Becca!
375
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,509
Hank, find her.
376
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:24,388
Fuck it, Stacy. She's right.
This is obviously Chelsea's fault.
377
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:27,850
Becca doesn't have the gumption
to get in any kind of serious trouble.
378
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,393
- She's a follower.
- Excuse me?
379
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,355
Oh, no, no. I meant it in a nice way.
You know, teenagers suck.
380
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,690
They're all bloody awful,
Chelsea in particular.
381
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,109
I just hope she makes it to 17
without getting pregnant.
382
00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:39,070
Honey!
383
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,780
That's not fair.
384
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,617
You're all such
fucking hypocrites.
385
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:49,830
We are the way we are
because you made us this way.
386
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:53,793
- OK, sweetie, come on. Let's go home.
- I don't want to go home.
387
00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:57,171
- Hank!
- I want you all to listen to me for once!
388
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,257
Sweetie, we're here.
389
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:02,635
All right? We're listening. We're all ears.
390
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:04,762
What is it you want to say?
391
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,264
What is it... Oh, boy.
392
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:23,406
Yes, yes, yes, Rick Springfield!
393
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,952
I fucking love this part!
394
00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:30,037
Me too, me too, me too, me too!
395
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,251
Hi. What took you so long, Runkle?
396
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,045
You know, they've been at it
for a while over there.
397
00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:41,799
Sounds good too.
I almost started without you.
398
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:44,260
I'm just finishing up some dishes.
399
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,723
I thought I'd let a few things soak.
400
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:51,600
Runkle, are you...
Were you crying?
401
00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:56,147
Maybe, a little.
402
00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:58,899
- Yes.
- Oh, please!
403
00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:02,611
Over that? I mean... That's kids' stuff.
404
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:05,197
- Ignore it.
- Destroy me, Rick Springfield!
405
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,491
Listen to that, will you?
406
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:09,994
I don't know how to compete with that!
407
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,204
The only time I ever made
Marcy squeal like that
408
00:22:12,247 --> 00:22:13,998
was when I put the ring on her finger!
409
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:17,209
- Harry Winston?
- Tiffany.
410
00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:19,170
Oh, Runkle.
411
00:22:19,212 --> 00:22:22,173
You are the saddest sack I have ever seen!
412
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:27,053
To you, the glass is always half empty, huh?
Never half full?
413
00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:30,431
Right now, my wife is
half full of Rick Springfield!
414
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:33,225
That's exactly what I mean. Men!
415
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:36,270
I mean, you are the biggest
bunch of pussies there ever was.
416
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,230
Yes, yes, yes!
417
00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:40,399
- You're leaving?
- Yeah.
418
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:43,235
Well, I'm gonna let you
off the hook this time.
419
00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:44,820
But before I go...
420
00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:49,283
I'm gonna give you a little tip
on how to get your hot little wifey back.
421
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:56,791
Sex is supposed to be about joy, Runkle,
pure joy.
422
00:22:57,459 --> 00:23:00,127
And if you've forgotten
what that sounds like...
423
00:23:05,425 --> 00:23:07,009
Don't stop!
424
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,345
Runkle, no! Don't...
425
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:12,139
Stop! Oh, God!
426
00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:13,641
You are good!
427
00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:24,819
That is perfect!
428
00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:39,875
Collini... out.
429
00:23:45,340 --> 00:23:47,675
Come on, take this.
430
00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:50,553
Now, you may wake up
in the middle of the night...
431
00:23:50,595 --> 00:23:52,513
possibly craving an Egg McMuffin.
432
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:55,182
The important thing is not
to get off the ride at that point,
433
00:23:55,225 --> 00:23:59,687
but to remain in your seat
with your seatbelt securely fastened.
434
00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:02,189
OK, sweetie?
435
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:04,483
Good night, sweetie.
436
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:08,320
I promise, everything
will be better tomorrow.
437
00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:10,781
Except for your head.
That'll feel much worse.
438
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:12,783
Stay.
439
00:24:19,749 --> 00:24:21,917
What's up, sweetie?
440
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,753
We don't have to do
what she says, you know.
441
00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:27,715
- What who says?
- Her.
442
00:24:27,757 --> 00:24:29,884
The enemy.
443
00:24:29,926 --> 00:24:31,927
Your mom is not the enemy.
444
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:34,096
She loves you.
She wants what's best for you.
445
00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:36,599
Mom doesn't understand. She never will.
446
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:39,310
This is it, OK?
447
00:24:39,352 --> 00:24:41,979
I'm not just gonna wake up
one day and be like her,
448
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:44,607
six feet tall and beautiful.
449
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:48,861
You already are beautiful.
450
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:52,406
Chelsea's the only friend I've ever had,
451
00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:55,201
the only one who accepts me
for who I really am.
452
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:57,786
- That is not true.
- It is.
453
00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:02,875
Do you know what it's like
to have no one and nothing,
454
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:05,586
how totally awful that feels?
455
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:10,216
Yes, I think I do. I...
456
00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:13,761
Once upon a time, I felt like that.
457
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,305
Now I have you.
458
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,769
Yet, somehow...
459
00:25:21,811 --> 00:25:24,104
I still have nothing.
460
00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:36,116
Good night.
461
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:55,553
Thanks.
462
00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:02,142
So, I guess you're on her side,
463
00:26:02,185 --> 00:26:04,270
like you guys are this team right now.
464
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:06,772
We're a team, all right.
465
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:13,988
Just not a very good one,
not without our captain.
466
00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:17,616
You know, you're right.
LA is no place to raise a daughter.
467
00:26:17,659 --> 00:26:19,785
Or a dad.
468
00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:21,870
We need your guidance.
469
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:23,956
We need you, Mommy Dearest...
470
00:26:25,709 --> 00:26:27,793
Really.
471
00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:32,047
Even though sometimes
we may take you for granted
472
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,758
and throw embarrassing
hissy fits and get drunk,
473
00:26:34,801 --> 00:26:38,262
and generally act like we don't
give a shit about anything.
474
00:26:39,347 --> 00:26:43,392
So you're just both adolescent girls
at heart, right?
475
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:47,354
Yes, we are, the both of us.
476
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:50,566
I like you like this.
477
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,986
What, all defeated and shit?
478
00:26:54,070 --> 00:26:58,449
Yes. You're like putty in my hands.
479
00:26:58,491 --> 00:27:00,367
- Oh, yeah?
- Really.
480
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:03,203
Do with me what you will.
481
00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:08,542
- Anything?
- Yeah, anything at all.
482
00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:20,888
- Hank?
- Wha...
483
00:27:21,556 --> 00:27:23,849
You know what I said
about Bill this morning?
484
00:27:23,892 --> 00:27:25,309
Yes.
485
00:27:25,352 --> 00:27:26,685
Got ya.
486
00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:32,650
You fucker.
37336
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