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1
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Previously on Californication...
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00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:06,088
- No one wants to publish your book.
- That's a big fuckin' bummer.
3
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:08,924
I could really use an influx
of cashish right about now.
4
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:13,554
- Runkle, quit beating your meat.
- Hank Moody, Sue Collini.
5
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,305
- Becca's dad, right?
- Yikes.
6
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:18,183
- Chelsea's mum?
- Hey, speak of the she-devils.
7
00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:20,561
- Can I go over to Chelsea's?
- Actually, stay for dinner.
8
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:21,812
Hank Moody.
9
00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:24,356
I'd like to introduce you
to Richard Bates, the writer.
10
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,859
- He's going to be teaching here this year.
- Big fan.
11
00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:28,736
- Drink with me.
- Ten years' sobriety,
12
00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:30,237
- down the drain.
- Fuck me.
13
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,323
I can't afford to keep paying rent
and mortgage at the same time.
14
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:34,616
OK, I'll move back in.
15
00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:36,827
- This can't be right.
- It's within his rights.
16
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,037
Oh! Yes!
17
00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:40,873
You're the dean
of this fine institute of fancy book learning?
18
00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,041
Correct.
19
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:45,085
Who wants to see me tuck
and do the pee-pee dance?
20
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,213
Let's get your clothes.
21
00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:51,008
What about Bates?
Is he gonna be able to do his thing?
22
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,635
From rehab? I doubt it.
23
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:57,806
You wouldn't happen to know
of any other bad-boy novelists
24
00:00:57,849 --> 00:01:00,517
looking for a teaching gig, would you?
25
00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:23,457
- Yes, Marcy.
- How are things at work, Teach?
26
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,959
Excellent question, Cougar Smurf.
27
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:29,797
Aside from the fact that I generally loathe
young people, it's a pretty cush gig.
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00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:32,257
We're keeping our hands
off the young nubiles, are we?
29
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Please. Teenage girls are greatly overrated.
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00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:38,430
- Present company excepted, of course.
- Of course.
31
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:44,728
Are you OK over there?
Are you stroking out or something?
32
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,648
- Whatever do you mean?
- You're grinning like a mongoloid.
33
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:49,608
No, I think I'm just feeling grateful.
34
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:52,820
- This seems like old times, don't it?
- Here we go.
35
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,280
Truth be told, I remember the food
being a hell of a lot better.
36
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:58,492
What about this steak?
Tastes like prison ass.
37
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,160
Becca. Miss.
38
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,080
You're not eating.
What's wrong with you?
39
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,624
- Nothing. I'm on a diet.
- What?
40
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:09,044
Hey, you are a beautiful
young white woman. Remember that.
41
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:12,047
- You do not need to be on a diet.
- Dad, I could easily lose ten pounds.
42
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:15,175
Your mother would kill me
if you develop an eating disorder.
43
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:17,594
I like me a big girl.
44
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:20,889
Before Marcy here, most
of my girlfriends were somewhat zaftig.
45
00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:23,559
I remember. Your apartment
was like half off at Lane Bryant.
46
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:27,354
That's right. Big and getable.
That's the way I liked 'em.
47
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:29,398
And then old half-pint here came along...
48
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,985
Oh, God. Please cut the sweet talk,
will you? We're not together.
49
00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:36,238
We're living together.
There is a huge difference.
50
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:40,284
I have made my intentions known.
Love will find a way.
51
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:45,497
No, no, no, no. Sit, sit!
Relax, eat, enjoy.
52
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,875
I will get it.
53
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:55,132
I'm sorry, my Nubian brother.
We're right in the middle of dinner.
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00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,677
- We're not interested this evening. Ta.
- Not interested in what, exactly?
55
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:03,182
Whatever it is you're selling, brother.
Let me guess. Magazine subscriptions?
56
00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:06,435
- I'm here for Marcy.
- Marcy? My wife?
57
00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:09,104
I'm here to pick up Marcy. For our date.
58
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,859
Hi. Thank you!
59
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,238
See you around, my... Nubian brother.
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00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:16,338
"The shy, talented vampire
looked up to his centuries-old mentor.
61
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,465
"Even in the twilight
of his eternal youth,
62
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:21,093
"the old man was wicked-smart
and roguishly handsome,
63
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:25,013
"a glint of the devil flickering
in his beautiful, undead eyes.
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00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,557
"The young vampire knew
there was much to be learned
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00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:32,271
"from his blood-sucking mentor.
How to live, how to feed, how to fuck.
66
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,733
"But the boy was hungry.
Ravenous, actually.
67
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:40,362
"Soon he would have to feed,
and feed he would.
68
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:43,156
"The moronic frat boys
that mocked him on a daily basis
69
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,367
"were good for something, at least."
70
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,087
I'm just texting with my daughter.
71
00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:00,257
It's the only time she actually
acknowledges my existence.
72
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,217
OK, so what about Balt's story?
73
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,887
I heard something about vampires and
frat boys and come, so I'm half-chubbed.
74
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,474
How about the rest of you spoiled rich kids?
75
00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:11,768
Someone?
76
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,562
Anyone?
77
00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:17,607
Bueller? Bueller?
78
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:20,193
Bueller. What say ye, Jackie?
79
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:24,114
He's my roommate. He'll get mad at me.
80
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,825
Maybe, but ultimately he'll thank you
81
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,828
for having the balls
to say something of substance.
82
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:31,997
OK.
83
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,667
Well, I've told him a thousand times
he needs to drop the vampire bullshit.
84
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,171
It's stupid. You're not a fucking
creature of the night, Balt.
85
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,757
- Says you, slut.
- See? What'd I tell you?
86
00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:43,675
- Anything else?
- Well...
87
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:47,763
There was an awful lot of talk
about fucking, but no actual sex.
88
00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:49,264
That kind of bummed me out.
89
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:53,185
Well, it is possible that longing for
something is better than actually having it.
90
00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:56,730
I've heard it said that satisfaction
is the death of desire.
91
00:05:56,773 --> 00:06:00,776
Interesting. Do you need a tampon?
I think I have an extra in my purse.
92
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:05,530
- Look at the time already. Wow.
- Actually, there's 15 minutes left.
93
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:09,076
Which is why I will leave you with this.
94
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:10,827
I can't teach you how to write,
95
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,372
and anybody who says they can
is full of shit.
96
00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:16,583
The only thing I can do is write
about the shit that excites me,
97
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,085
the shit that gets me hard.
98
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,712
So, Balt,
if you want to write about vampires
99
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:24,174
drinking each other's blood and come
and whatnot, by all means, go for it.
100
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,052
Write the shit out of it.
Don't be niggardly with your emotions.
101
00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:30,305
Just run it up the flagpole
and see who salutes, OK?
102
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,391
Now get the fuck out of here.
103
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:35,185
Go read a book or something.
Preferably one of mine.
104
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,400
You know,
I try not to think about it too much,
105
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:44,236
but I could have been TA-ing
for Richard Bates right now,
106
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:46,488
and that would have been
a real education for me.
107
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,241
I was doing my thesis on him.
108
00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:52,119
Yeah, and then you had to go
and knock him off the wagon.
109
00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:56,706
But look how it worked out for you. You get
to learn at the feet of a master... bator.
110
00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,750
Clearly.
111
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:02,129
- Hi, Felicia.
- Hi.
112
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:05,507
- How's it going, Professor?
- In a word? Awesome.
113
00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:09,886
Interesting curriculum.
114
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,722
Look at that. I sound like a fuckin' retard.
115
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,683
No. Don't be so hard on yourself.
116
00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:18,270
But you might want to erase it before word
spreads through these hallowed halls.
117
00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:20,063
Academics can be vicious.
118
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:24,234
At least I'm not tucking my dong in class.
Not with my pants off, anyway.
119
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,820
Have you taken the sexual
harassment seminar yet?
120
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:28,780
Yeah, I had Jill take it for me online.
121
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:33,743
What? What?
122
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,789
It's like traffic school.
123
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:44,296
David Curran wants to know
why you gave him a C.
124
00:07:44,338 --> 00:07:46,423
OK, I'll bite. Why'd I give him a C?
125
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:52,679
You know, as your TA, I'm happy to read
the students' material and suggest a grade,
126
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:55,807
but, you know,
you're supposed to read it also.
127
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:58,435
What do you think of Jackie?
128
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:01,646
- You think she's hot, don't you?
- I haven't thought about it.
129
00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:05,150
- But now that I have, yeah, she's smoking.
- You're old enough to be her father.
130
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,569
Well, sure, I could be, but I'm not.
131
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,821
And I have no interest
in making sweet love to her
132
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:13,408
aside from the general interest that all men
have in making sweet love to all women.
133
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:15,660
You know, I don't think
I can be your TA any more.
134
00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:17,078
- I understand.
- You do?
135
00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:19,164
You find me irresistible.
136
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:24,294
- That's close. I find you irritating.
- Careful. That's how it starts.
137
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:28,673
The mother of my problem child would say
the exact same thing. Seriously. Watch it.
138
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:31,218
Has a woman ever punched you in the face?
139
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:34,095
- You know what? You should use me.
- Really?
140
00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:36,139
"I should use you."
I'm frightened.
141
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:39,226
As a consultant in your search
for worthy companionship.
142
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:43,355
I, Hank Moody, am a prime example
of how the male noggin works.
143
00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:45,524
Say you're out on a date with some dick,
144
00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:48,485
he does something you can't quite decipher,
you call me up,
145
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,071
I'll tell you what it meant.
146
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,907
Thanks, dick. That's a great idea.
147
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:57,410
- I'm gonna think about it while I'm peeing.
- Tinkle, tinkle.
148
00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:01,498
Professor Moody, can I have a word?
149
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:05,502
I suppose so, but I was thinking
of ducking out and catching a movie.
150
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,588
But I guess not.
Office hours and whatnot.
151
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,048
Come in. Have a seat.
152
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:13,843
- Call me Hank.
- Thank you, Hank.
153
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:16,096
I changed my mind.
Call me Professor Moody.
154
00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:20,517
I'm just fucking with you. Not really.
155
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,395
What do you want?
156
00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:26,606
Look, I need to know if I'm a writer.
157
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,193
Jesus Christ, kid.
Who am I to tell you that?
158
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:33,697
Well, you're my teacher. I respect you,
and I think you're an awesome writer.
159
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:36,658
- Thank you.
- I've read all your books. Cover to cover.
160
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:39,578
I love your picture on the back, by the way.
It's very handsome.
161
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,288
Thank you.
162
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:45,083
You're the mentor, you know? In my story?
163
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,795
The young vampire
has a crush on the old one.
164
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,299
It's you. It's a metaphor.
165
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,926
I'm the old vampire. Fantastic.
166
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:58,388
Come on, Hank... Professor Moody.
167
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,601
Brutal truth. I can take it.
168
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:07,188
- Brutal truth, huh?
- Absolutely.
169
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:13,528
Your story was bad.
It was terrible, in fact.
170
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,406
It was like that lame Twilight bullshit.
171
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:20,035
I have no patience for that crap.
It's not writing. It's like bound toilet paper.
172
00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:24,623
I'm not saying you won't get better if you
keep writing, because you will. No question.
173
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:28,043
But I am saying that if you can do
anything else with your life right now,
174
00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:31,504
anything at all,
I think maybe you should do that.
175
00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:34,215
Cos the world doesn't need
any more lame vampire fiction.
176
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,760
You know what I'm saying?
177
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:40,680
- You with me, amigo?
- I think so.
178
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:44,976
- Brutal truth, right?
- Right.
179
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:54,069
Teaching's not so hard.
180
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,365
I feel bad. He was clearly crushing on me.
181
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:01,618
- Maybe I led him on.
- How so?
182
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,953
Maybe I was sending out signals.
183
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,748
- Fuck. Maybe I'm gay.
- Hank, please.
184
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,167
- We're all gay.
- What the what the?
185
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,670
- I'm serious.
- Yeah, I know, and it scares me.
186
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,213
All right, let me put it this way.
187
00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:15,382
If you and I were trapped
on a desert island...
188
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:16,758
I don't like where this is going already.
189
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:20,220
It would only be a matter of time
before I was putting it in your pooper.
190
00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:22,389
Hey, I may be easy, but I am not sleazy.
191
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,557
Besides, I don't really see myself
as a bottom.
192
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,142
Fine. You put it in my pooper.
193
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,105
- My fist, maybe.
- Whatever floats your boat.
194
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:32,899
My point being, we're just animals.
195
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:36,569
Perhaps, but this animal prefers the warm,
cosy confines of the female vagina.
196
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:39,864
But faced with a severe vaginal drought,
men will be men.
197
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:41,449
Boys will do boys.
198
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:44,202
You've given this a fair amount of thought,
haven't you?
199
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,454
It's like when you were a kid, OK?
200
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:49,249
- You know what I'm saying?
- No, I do not.
201
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:52,419
We've all got a gay experience
or two in our back pockets.
202
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,963
Oh, OK. All right.
Now I see where you're going.
203
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,925
- OK. What's yours?
- Oh, no, no, no. You first.
204
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:02,971
- No way. Bald before beauty.
- All right. You know? Fine. OK.
205
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:06,099
So when I was growing up,
my best friend was Mike Metz.
206
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:10,186
- Mike Metz.
- OK, sometimes we would undress,
207
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:14,607
we'd lay down on the bed, and just,
you know, touch each other's bodies.
208
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,359
- It wasn't gay.
- Sure.
209
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,944
It wasn't even sexual.
210
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:22,323
It was, you know, very loving, actually.
It was just an expression of our friendship.
211
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:24,909
- That's all.
- Interesting, you and I are friends
212
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,787
yet you've never asked me
to get undressed and touch your body.
213
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,748
So what's yours, big boy?
214
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:35,211
You tricked me, didn't you?
You miserable fucking bastard.
215
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:38,631
- You keep that one close to your vest, OK?
- Of course. Of course.
216
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,731
Oh, Jesus.
You're gonna rape me, aren't you?
217
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,900
You bet your sweet ass, rich white lady.
218
00:12:56,942 --> 00:13:00,528
- I'm not rich!
- Bullshit! You own a salon. Don't lie to me.
219
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:03,031
Oh, my God. Put that thing away.
220
00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:07,452
- That big, thick, purple thing!
- That's right. You better recognise.
221
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:10,413
It's a one-eyed, one-horned,
flying purple white-woman eater.
222
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,499
And I'm gonna split you like wet pine.
223
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,380
No means no, you know?
224
00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:22,258
- This the surprise you were talkin' about?
- What are you doing?
225
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,511
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm saving you.
226
00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:26,846
Saving me from what? I'm fine!
227
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,766
No, you're not fine. You're being raped!
228
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,518
I am not!
229
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:36,231
You were too.
230
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,650
We're playing a game.
231
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:41,277
A game? What kind of game?
232
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,447
Some kind of sick, twisted,
plantation-days kind of thing?
233
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,699
Hey. Watch it, motherfucker.
234
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:50,119
- It was a fantasy, Charlie.
- A fantasy?
235
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,455
A rape fantasy.
236
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,458
A rape fanta... That is just sick, Marcy.
237
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,586
Sick? I'm sick?
238
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:03,424
After all the twisted, depraved shit
I've seen you do?
239
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:07,428
Don't you dare judge me, motherfucker.
240
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:10,390
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna puke.
241
00:14:10,432 --> 00:14:11,599
Good!
242
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,319
Dean Koons wants to see you.
243
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:25,446
Hit?
244
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:27,282
I'm good.
245
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,370
Hey, guys.
246
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:35,415
Thank you. Thank you.
247
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:38,543
- For what?
- I heard you wanted to see me,
248
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:42,755
which must mean you want to congratulate
me for the kick-ass job I've been doing,
249
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:45,258
so I just wanted to say...
you're welcome.
250
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,177
- It's been my pleasure.
- This is no time to be glib, Hank.
251
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,263
How can you be sure?
252
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,640
I'll handle this, Stacy.
253
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,893
There's been an incident.
254
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:58,730
OK, well, look.
"Niggardly" is not a racial slur.
255
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:02,066
And, in fact, one might say
that y'all have been niggardly
256
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:05,069
when it comes to financial
compensation pour moi.
257
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:07,572
- I'm just saying.
- Are you done handling this?
258
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,908
Because we are dealing
with an idiot man-child.
259
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:13,202
"Oh, me love her too much.
260
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:16,831
"Me pet her too hard. She no wake up!"
261
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:25,381
A student of yours
tried to commit suicide last night.
262
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:31,304
Shitness. Wow. Who?
263
00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:34,182
- Chris Smith.
- Chris Smith?
264
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:38,186
Chris Smith. Ah, he's not one of mine.
Thank God.
265
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:43,024
- No, his friends call him Balt.
- Balt? Fuck, I know that dude.
266
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,943
Did he seem despondent at all?
267
00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:48,071
More importantly, his roommate
said he had returned from meeting you.
268
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:51,532
He did stop by my office-es.
269
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:54,160
Well, what was discussed?
270
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:59,290
- Life... Love... Vampires and shit.
- We're not attacking you, Hank.
271
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,043
- We're trying to work out what happened.
- Feels like you are...
272
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:05,296
- It's pretty clear what happened.
- Stop being so condescending.
273
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,007
Why don't you just
tender your resignation right now?
274
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,343
Spare us the trouble of an investigation.
275
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:13,012
You want to handle this, Stacy?
Fine. Go right ahead.
276
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,722
Just leave me out of it.
277
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:21,604
Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.
278
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,524
- Good jelly beans.
- Look, Hank...
279
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:30,738
I know you're not exactly what anyone
would call an education professional.
280
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,282
Or a professional of any kind,
for that matter.
281
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:36,577
But my wife went out on a limb for you.
282
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:40,873
She loves Becca. She thought it would be
nice if her father was gainfully employed.
283
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,420
That being said...
284
00:16:45,462 --> 00:16:48,172
That's an antique.
285
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:52,385
If I find out that you said or did anything
to push that poor kid over the edge,
286
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:56,014
I'll make it my life's work to make sure
you never step foot on this campus again.
287
00:16:56,056 --> 00:16:58,141
Do you understand me?
288
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,935
Do I have your ear, Hank?
289
00:17:00,978 --> 00:17:03,187
You have beautiful blue eyes.
290
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:11,654
- Are you high?
- I gotta run. I'll talk to you later.
291
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:19,829
All work and no ass-play
makes Chuck a dull boy.
292
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,123
Just trying to earn my keep, Sue.
293
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,917
What do you say the two of us
knock off early, huh?
294
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,546
Slip out of this business casual,
nude-up in my jacooze,
295
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,798
see what kind of sodomy laws
we can break?
296
00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:34,052
Sounds like the height of decadence, Sue.
297
00:17:34,094 --> 00:17:36,345
But I should probably
get through this slush pile.
298
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,473
Who knows?
I might even find something good.
299
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:42,643
Who knows? You might find
something better in my punani.
300
00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:46,773
Yeah. Warren Beatty's lost Rolex, maybe.
301
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,527
Oh, you are a dirty dog.
302
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,155
I like your style, Runkle.
303
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:58,242
Hey, can I ask you a question, Sue?
304
00:17:58,285 --> 00:18:01,454
The answer's yes.
I would love a face-ride.
305
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:07,919
Seriously.
Do women ever fantasise...
306
00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,838
about... being raped?
307
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:15,051
- Are you trying to get me wet?
- I don't think so.
308
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:19,639
Yes, Charlie.
Women fantasise about rape.
309
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:21,015
Really?
310
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:26,604
And my own features...
a handsome stranger.
311
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:32,235
Think Jack, circa...
The Postman Always Rings Twice,
312
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,988
sneaking into my bedroom
and taking me in my sleep.
313
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:38,116
He pulls down my panties.
314
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,368
He enters slowly.
315
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,121
Slips right in. Oh, Jack.
316
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:46,374
The pussy never lies.
Remember that, Runkle.
317
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:48,668
I kick, I scream, but it's too late.
318
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,963
I mean, the juices are flowing.
The train has left the station.
319
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:56,217
We are headed for a big, fat, rocky orgasm.
320
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,303
Oh, sweet Jesus, guide me.
321
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:08,187
Are you trying to tell me something, Runkle?
322
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:11,232
Are you thinking about some role playing?
323
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,318
Because you name the game,
I'll play the part.
324
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:18,865
And I'm good at it.
I used to run lines with Margot Kidder.
325
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:22,994
Before she went apeshit.
Try me sometime.
326
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,840
Look who's here.
What's up, asshole?
327
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:38,467
That's no way to address your teacher,
young lady.
328
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,136
Is that what you are? A teacher?
329
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,930
I was thinking more like
a destroyer of hopes and dreams.
330
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:47,393
- Is he gonna be OK?
- Maybe if you put your fuckin' cigarette out.
331
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:51,731
He's fine. He got depressed and he drank
all the cold medicine he could find.
332
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,150
He's such a fuckin' queen.
333
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:01,407
- You came.
- Course I did, buddy.
334
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,994
- How you doing?
- I hate myself, and I want to fucking die.
335
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:07,622
- Oh, been there.
- I doubt it.
336
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:10,583
What could you possibly know
about being a fucked-up gay kid?
337
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:13,294
We're all gay.
338
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:15,796
In some form or another.
339
00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:21,260
We've all had a gay experience
in our past or two.
340
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,471
- You too?
- Oh, hells yeah.
341
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,640
Tell me about it.
342
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:32,647
Well, when I was a...
when I was a kid,
343
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:38,736
barely a teenager,
my best friend and I, Mike Metz,
344
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:41,739
yeah, we would,
we'd get undressed...
345
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:47,078
Don't stop.
346
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:51,040
Right. And, you know,
347
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,085
we would...
we would lay in bed together...
348
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:55,836
naked...
349
00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:59,465
touching each other's...
350
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:01,384
naked bodies.
351
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:06,097
You know, just...
And it wasn't, like, sexual or gay,
352
00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:08,349
but just more of a...
353
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:12,353
more of an expression
of our profound friendship.
354
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,982
See, I don't know.
355
00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:18,484
It sounds pretty fucking gay to me.
356
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:21,445
It does sound gay.
357
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,948
You know what?
358
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:26,409
I'm sorry if I bummed you out.
359
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:28,452
But you got to cut me some slack here.
360
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:32,665
I'm pretty new to this teaching thing.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
361
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:37,336
You know what I dug about your story?
There was one line I loved.
362
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,380
"The twilight of his eternal youth."
363
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:42,174
Really dug that. Stuck in my head.
364
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:44,552
I polished that one for a while, actually.
365
00:21:44,594 --> 00:21:47,096
Polish it.
366
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,974
Well, shit. I gotta get to work.
367
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:54,603
- Think you could stay with him for a bit?
- Oh, no, I have...
368
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:57,356
I got to... I got to run too, so...
369
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:01,861
Yeah, I can.
370
00:22:01,903 --> 00:22:05,239
- No. You know what you can do for me?
- What?
371
00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:09,035
Give her a ride.
She took the bus all the way here.
372
00:22:09,077 --> 00:22:10,995
God knows, she's too hot for that.
373
00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:13,414
I wouldn't want her
getting raped on my account.
374
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:15,583
That would be most unfortunate.
375
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:18,544
Come with me.
My rape-proof chariot awaits.
376
00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:22,590
Later, pale skin. I hope you feel better.
Keep scribbling.
377
00:22:22,632 --> 00:22:25,176
No kiss goodnight?
378
00:22:27,804 --> 00:22:29,889
Bye, honey.
379
00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:42,711
Charlie!
380
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,422
What the fuck are you doing?
381
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,841
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm raping you.
382
00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:49,218
Get off me, you fucking asshole!
383
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:51,679
- Do you love it?
- No! Stop it now!
384
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:55,182
Because I love it.
This is so not consensual!
385
00:24:03,024 --> 00:24:04,692
Fuck!
386
00:24:05,777 --> 00:24:07,653
What are you thinking?
387
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:10,197
I guess I thought it was
something you might enjoy.
388
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,368
And maybe in the middle you'd be like,
"God, I really do love this schmuck."
389
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:18,330
You thought that in the middle of raping me
I'd realise how much I love you?
390
00:24:19,374 --> 00:24:21,834
Something like that. Yeah.
391
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:24,462
But it sounded a lot better
the way I said it.
392
00:24:24,504 --> 00:24:28,174
And, just to be fair, you know,
it was a rape fantasy.
393
00:24:28,216 --> 00:24:31,969
- For you, maybe.
- OK.
394
00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:36,015
Well, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.
My bad.
395
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:41,770
Sorry. These are yours.
396
00:24:56,703 --> 00:24:58,996
- This is where you work?
- Yup.
397
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:03,250
But you just work the front desk or you're
the cashier or something like that, right?
398
00:25:03,293 --> 00:25:06,086
- Something like that.
- Interesting.
399
00:25:06,129 --> 00:25:09,048
You want to come inside?
Maybe wet your whistle?
400
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:12,468
- Would that involve seeing you naked?
- Oh, most definitely.
401
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:16,347
Then, no offence, but I think not.
In the interest of student-teacher relations.
402
00:25:16,389 --> 00:25:19,350
Look at you with the moral rectitude.
403
00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:21,769
- I'm impressed.
- Me too.
404
00:25:21,811 --> 00:25:23,854
- Thanks for the ride, Prof.
- Any time.
405
00:25:23,897 --> 00:25:27,775
Well, you know, not any time.
I don't think this is the best habit to get into.
406
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:30,653
You were right, you know?
He's a shitty writer.
407
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,488
Someone had to tell him.
408
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,783
Parents tell their kids they can be
anything they want when they grow up,
409
00:25:35,825 --> 00:25:38,827
but that's not true, not for everyone.
410
00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:40,996
Sometimes that can fuck you up a lot more
411
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:44,375
than someone telling you
you can't do a goddamn thing.
412
00:25:44,417 --> 00:25:48,087
Besides, you can't really teach writing,
can you?
413
00:25:48,129 --> 00:25:52,007
- You're a smart kid. You know that?
- Damn straight.
414
00:25:52,050 --> 00:25:54,969
All right, I got to go shake
my money-makers.
415
00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:56,595
- OK.
- Have a good night.
416
00:25:56,638 --> 00:26:01,725
You have a good night too.
I hope you get lots of singles... I guess.
417
00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:05,271
- Or fives, or... Benjamins? I don't know.
- All right.
418
00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:06,855
- Bye.
- Bye.
419
00:26:16,866 --> 00:26:19,201
- Hey, where are you going, short stuff?
- Out.
420
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:21,954
Out, you say? Out where?
421
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:25,624
- Just out.
- Just out? I'm not familiar with that area.
422
00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,668
The promenade. I'm meeting Chelsea.
423
00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:31,005
Oh, not so fast.
How you gonna get there?
424
00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:33,882
I don't know. I'll walk or take the bus.
425
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:37,136
- Did you even think to ask?
- I didn't think you'd care.
426
00:26:37,178 --> 00:26:40,431
- Well, sorry, honey. Looks like I do.
- OK. Good to know.
427
00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:42,600
- So can I go?
- No.
428
00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:44,893
Why don't you stay in with me tonight?
429
00:26:44,936 --> 00:26:47,479
You know, we'll watch a movie.
Pop some corn.
430
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:50,274
The promenade will always be there.
Unfortunately.
431
00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:53,736
Yeah, sounds like a good time,
but I think I'd rather go out.
432
00:26:53,778 --> 00:26:56,780
Well, I think I'd rather
have you stay home. How 'bout that?
433
00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:59,742
Got it. Loud and clear. So can I go?
434
00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:01,869
- Asked and answered, Becca.
- Why?
435
00:27:01,911 --> 00:27:05,372
- Because I said so.
- Because you said so?
436
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:08,500
- Because I said.
- Jesus.
437
00:27:08,543 --> 00:27:10,544
- Who are you texting?
- Chelsea.
438
00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:14,048
- To tell her you're being a total dick.
- What is going on with you?
439
00:27:14,090 --> 00:27:16,842
When did you become such a little snot?
440
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:21,013
- That is not funny, Becca.
- It's funny to me.
441
00:27:26,728 --> 00:27:28,520
I fucking hate you!
442
00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:31,482
Yeah, and I fuckin' hate you too,
you little shit.
34864
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