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1
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,221
I love you, Karen,
2
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:17,266
and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life
annoying the shit out of you.
3
00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:18,934
Will you marry me, Karen?
4
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,271
- You guys are officially back together?
- For now. Until we fuck it up.
5
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:23,355
Could be any second now.
6
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:27,985
You gonna shitcan 15 years' experience
cos a guy messes up one time?
7
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,572
You got fired?
8
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:32,906
- Charlie Runkle.
- Daisy.
9
00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:35,993
I've been trying to get a frigging meeting
with Ronny Praeger.
10
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,746
- He's like the Spielberg of porn.
- I'll see what I can do.
11
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:41,915
That is so awesome!
And don't worry. I will blow you.
12
00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:43,959
No, we're gonna keep this strictly business.
13
00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:45,753
I'm king of fuck mountain!
14
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,296
It's not a memoir.
15
00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:49,840
It's a written account
of my sexual relationship with you.
16
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,176
Written by me as a fucking novel.
17
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,969
- Lew Ashby.
- Hank Moody.
18
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:57,931
I got this book deal. Wanna write about
why everything I touch turns to gold.
19
00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:01,935
Oh, no! You didn't!
20
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,190
Lew!
21
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,483
Where you headed?
22
00:01:07,525 --> 00:01:10,152
I'm taking Fucking And Punching
all over this fair country of ours.
23
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:13,113
- Mothers, lock up your sons.
- And husbands.
24
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:16,867
- We made a huge mistake.
- No.
25
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:21,371
I jumped in the car with you that night,
and we just tried to pick up where we left off.
26
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:22,998
I can't stay.
27
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:25,834
It's OK, Dad.
It was nice while it lasted.
28
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,046
I wanna get a divorce.
I'm gonna be with Daisy.
29
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,340
You fucked my man.
30
00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:36,512
- Maybe we should take a break.
- I just left my wife for you!
31
00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:38,097
You said I could have everything.
32
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:41,683
But don't worry your pretty little head
about it. We'll let my lawyer figure it out.
33
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,769
He's really good. Later, Runkle.
34
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:47,397
- That's him.
- Him who?
35
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,566
- What do you want?
- I'm here to see Becca Moody.
36
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,693
I got a job. It's in New York.
37
00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:54,863
I think you should come.
I can't live without this.
38
00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:57,157
I feel kind of bad
splitting them up right now.
39
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:01,703
Well, then don't. You go, I stay.
At the end of the day, it's all about her.
40
00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:03,580
I wish you hadn't just said all that.
41
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:07,334
- Why?
- Cos it just makes me love you even more.
42
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:25,561
Hank?
43
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,064
Hank.
44
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,110
- Hank.
- Yep. Present.
45
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,530
- Did you just...
- No.
46
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,574
- You did!
- Not me. I did not.
47
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:39,908
Hank...
48
00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:43,829
Well, maybe for a second.
49
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:46,248
- Jesus Christ!
- No, don't... don't be cross.
50
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:49,543
- You fell asleep.
- I dozed. Barely.
51
00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:51,336
- Inside of me.
- Maybe. For a second.
52
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:54,298
Now, it does not reflect poorly on you.
53
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:57,426
Or your vagina. It's a lovely vagina.
54
00:02:57,468 --> 00:03:02,431
It's warm and cosy... inviting,
capacious, yet accommodating.
55
00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:04,892
It's cheeky but not impudent,
you know what I'm saying?
56
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:09,146
- It's a lovely place to curl up inside.
- And go to sleep.
57
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,357
- Great. God, where's my fucking clothes?
- Not so fast.
58
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,777
Look, I may be tired,
but I'm also incredibly hard right now.
59
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,282
You feel that?
I just flexed my cock muscle.
60
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:24,620
That's pretty cool, huh?
Flexing it again and again and again.
61
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,290
Where's the harm in a few winks?
62
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:31,001
You know, single dadness
is not as easy as it looks.
63
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:35,255
I gotta be up way early to make
the morning meal and get the kid to school.
64
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,925
Then I gotta come home
and wrestle with the blank page.
65
00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,426
You know, and before you know it,
66
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:42,429
it's time to get back in that fucking
pickup line all over again.
67
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,098
- Ever hear of carpooling?
- And then I gotta...
68
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:48,185
I gotta make some kind
of vaguely healthy evening meal.
69
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:52,356
I gotta monitor her computer
and texting activity. It's fucking exhausting.
70
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:55,609
I mean, I barely even have time
to get loaded any more.
71
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,240
Excuse me.
72
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:05,577
- Was that...
- No, you're wrong.
73
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,372
- But...
- You're wrong. Move on.
74
00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:12,918
I thought you were all about
keeping yourself pure for Mom.
75
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:15,879
She's a friend. You know?
We were doing friend-like stuff.
76
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,839
Practically napping.
77
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:22,427
Hey, good for you. I'm not judging.
78
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:26,390
Mom's certainly not
keeping herself pure for you.
79
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:30,018
- What?
- Nothing. Move on.
80
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,939
Why are you guys even here?
You're supposed to be at the movies.
81
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:37,234
- We walked out.
- It was so fucking lame, Hank.
82
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,611
Hank? Really?
83
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,863
Uh-uh. It's Mr Moody to you, little missy.
84
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,366
Mr Moody.
85
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:55,961
Wait a second. You guys are stoned!
86
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,547
- Dad, please!
- Tell me where you got the weed.
87
00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,924
I will kill the motherfucker. Tell me.
88
00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,885
- In your typewriter.
- I knew it!
89
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,096
Damn it.
90
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,599
All right. Shit. Gimme what you got.
91
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,477
Fork it over. Everything.
I'm gonna weigh that.
92
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,861
No, no. Hold on, ladies.
I'm not done with you.
93
00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:24,990
Now, look, hey, I am very well aware
that I don't always set the best example,
94
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:28,076
but you guys are entirely too young
to be messing around with this stuff.
95
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:32,622
You know, it's true what they say about pot.
It's very much a gateway drug.
96
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,791
It can be a gateway
to some pretty cool things.
97
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,337
But it can also lead to poverty, despair,
stunted adolescence, man-breasts.
98
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:43,425
You think that's funny?
99
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:50,265
Oh, go on, get outta here. Both of you.
To be continued, young lady.
100
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:21,106
- What up, chocolate sweetness?
- Who are you here to see?
101
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,316
- Runkle.
- Whose uncle?
102
00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:25,986
Runkle. Charlie Runkle.
103
00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:28,071
Oh, the cute little bald guy.
104
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,450
Just so's you know,
not a pose that inspires confidence
105
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:32,993
in your one and only client.
106
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,912
It's this goddamn economy, Hank.
107
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,665
You can't blame everything
on the economy, douchebag.
108
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:42,252
No? Can I blame it for the fact
that no one wants to publish your book?
109
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:46,381
- Nonsense. People love me.
- No one, Hank. Not a soul.
110
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:49,092
- What the fuck, Runkle?
- I don't know.
111
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:53,221
I been collecting passes all morning.
It's too long. It's too self-indulgent.
112
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,390
It's too hateful, too misogynistic.
113
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:58,894
- It's too soft. It's too mean-spirited.
- Like those are bad things?
114
00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:02,022
I can't believe I'm gonna say this out loud,
but what about the studios?
115
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:03,732
Nope. They're not biting either.
116
00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:06,902
Hollywood doesn't want something else
from the unrepentant asshole
117
00:08:06,944 --> 00:08:09,279
that brought you
Crazy Little Thing Called Love One...
118
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,489
- Hank.
...and Dos?
119
00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:15,118
Hank, I told you to play nice, didn't I?
I told you not to fuck the director's wife.
120
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,996
I told you not to leave
a burning bag of your own faeces
121
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:21,124
- on the producer's doorstep.
- That still cracks me up.
122
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,502
That's a big fucking bummer, Charlie.
123
00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:26,004
I could really use an influx of cashish
right about now.
124
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,298
The money from the Ashby book
only went so far.
125
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,383
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in line, asshole.
126
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:33,303
I was kinda looking forward
to the new Hank Moody book too, you know?
127
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,388
What do you mean,
he wants to reschedule?
128
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:39,518
Tell him I'll gnaw off his thimble dick
and feed it to my cats!
129
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:44,731
- Runkle, quit beating your meat.
- Never gets old, Sue.
130
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,983
Hank Moody, my boss, Sue Collini.
131
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:50,237
Pleasure to have you
at the Harry Greenberg Agency, Hank.
132
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:53,073
The pleasure is all mine. Obviously.
133
00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:55,200
Ah, your man Runkle...
134
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,827
Now when you talk about
a cock of the walk, huh...
135
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,538
Really?
136
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:02,249
I mean, this guy's a stud!
And his head...
137
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:06,086
It just makes you wanna give it a big lick
and see what comes out of it.
138
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:09,172
- Please don't.
- Of course not. It would be inappropriate.
139
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,177
Meet me for a drink later.
140
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:17,847
Actually, I'm supposed
to do something with Hank here.
141
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:22,143
- Me? I don't think we have any plans.
- Yeah, I think we do.
142
00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:25,438
No, I'm pretty sure we don't.
143
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,900
Excellent. I'm all yours, Sue.
144
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:34,864
Right. Better lay down those carbs, Runkle.
We're goin' deep.
145
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,325
Collini... out.
146
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,579
What fresh hell is this?
147
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:47,586
- Hey. It's Rip van Winkle.
- Oh, hey!
148
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:49,546
I think we should give it another shot.
149
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,132
You know, I took a nap.
I'm fresh as a fucking daisy.
150
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,926
- Becca's dad, right?
- Yikes.
151
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:57,429
It depends on what she's done
to raise your ire.
152
00:09:57,471 --> 00:10:01,433
Becca? Oh, no, Becca's adorable.
It's her father I have an issue with.
153
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:03,560
Oh, well, take a number and get in line.
154
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,229
I'll tell him you're waiting.
If I see him, of course.
155
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:10,817
- Felicia Koons. Chelsea's mum?
- Oh, boy.
156
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,861
Howdy. Hank Moody.
157
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:16,740
Yeah. So I guess I was wondering why
my daughter came home stoned last night.
158
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:20,452
- Are you sure she was stoned?
- I know a stoned teenager when I see one.
159
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:24,831
- I'm a college professor.
- Shit. I guess the jig is up.
160
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,083
You know, far be it from me
to pass judgment
161
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,502
on your recreational activities,
162
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:33,048
but maybe you should make
your dope a little less accessible?
163
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:37,177
I mean, what else do I have to worry about?
Do you have guns in the house too?
164
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:40,555
Yes, I do, but I keep 'em in the freezer.
Right next to the heroin.
165
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:46,311
You know, you're absolutely right.
I fucked up. I won't do it again. I get it.
166
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,855
That shit's just for my glaucoma anyway,
you know?
167
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,441
- Father.
- Hey, speak of the she-devils.
168
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,069
- Can I go over to Chelsea's?
- Well...
169
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,862
That would depend on Chelsea
170
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,490
and her lovely,
"far too young to be a mother" here.
171
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:01,534
- Mom?
- Sure. Why not?
172
00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:02,994
- Pick her up later.
- OK.
173
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,538
Actually, stay for dinner.
We're having some people over.
174
00:11:05,581 --> 00:11:07,415
No. I don't play well with others.
175
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:11,503
- It wouldn't turn out well for anybody.
- It's true, he doesn't.
176
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:14,923
Look, if we're going to be bailing
these two out of jail every now and again,
177
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:17,342
we may as well get to know each other
a little better.
178
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,886
So be there. Keep the weed at home.
179
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:22,597
Sure thing, Teach.
180
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:30,355
And that brings us
to the issue of the house.
181
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,066
I just want my fair share.
182
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:37,654
It's been sitting on the market
for months now, Charlie. It's not selling.
183
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,532
Maybe if you weren't too busy
bringing every unemployed actor in LA
184
00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:44,244
with a cougar fetish back to my house,
you could focus on getting it sold.
185
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,539
First, it's our house.
186
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,999
And second, if you weren't too busy
187
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:54,129
trying to shove your angry inch into
every damage case that crosses your path,
188
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:56,506
we wouldn't even be in this mess
to begin with.
189
00:11:56,549 --> 00:12:00,385
Can I get a fucking amen?
Unce, unce!
190
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,303
Look, all I'm saying is...
191
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:05,598
I can't afford to keep paying rent
and mortgage at the same time.
192
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,684
He's hiding money somewhere.
I know it!
193
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,771
There's nothing to hide!
She snorted it all!
194
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:15,483
- You're working as an agent again!
- I'm working on commission!
195
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,528
Really? That's pathetic, Charlie.
196
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,115
Agreed. It's the only way
I could get back in the business, OK?
197
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:25,618
It's not like the top five
were rolling out the red carpet for me.
198
00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:28,705
I wonder why.
Oh, that's right.
199
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,124
They were probably afraid
you'd jerk off all over it.
200
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:36,212
You know what?
Have it your way, OK?
201
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,131
I'll just... I'll move back in.
202
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:40,258
- Hells no!
- What? You said so yourself.
203
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:44,179
It's our house.
My name's on the mortgage too. You know?
204
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:46,514
That can't be right. Tell him, Marv!
205
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:51,436
What can I say?
It's perfectly within his rights.
206
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,522
Oh! Yes! Finally! I win!
207
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,966
- Asshole.
- Hey.
208
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:24,886
Saving the planet doesn't give you
the right to be an asshole.
209
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,554
- Fuck you!
- Fuck me?
210
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,515
Yeah, that's right. Fuck you!
211
00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:30,683
Live strong, asshole.
212
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,665
- Hello?
- Hank Moody.
213
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:55,792
Hello.
214
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,920
I'd like to introduce you
to Richard Bates, the writer.
215
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:02,340
- Richard Bates. Wow.
- He's going to be teaching here this year.
216
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,425
- It's a huge coup for us.
- Big fan.
217
00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:08,596
- I just feel a slight man crush coming on.
- Well, thank you, aren't you kind?
218
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,808
- This is my TA.
- Jill Robinson. Nice to meet ya.
219
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,602
Jill, the pleasure is all yours. Or mine.
220
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,187
OK, ours.
221
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:20,817
Hank is quite the accomplished novelist
in his own right.
222
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:25,113
- That's right. I googled you.
- I feel pleasantly violated.
223
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:28,157
So you were just gonna
show me to the little girls' room.
224
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,326
Sure thing. Follow me.
225
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,287
- Tinkle, tinkle.
- Right this way.
226
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:35,123
Drink with me. I insist.
227
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,916
- Oh, no, thank you.
- No, no, please.
228
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:40,837
- No, I'm fine.
- Crack The Sky was a big deal for me.
229
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,548
I felt like I was climbing
Kilimanjaro with you.
230
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:47,260
Gave me a huge writing boner.
Come on. Please?
231
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,804
Pretty please?
232
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,019
To the blank page.
233
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:15,830
- Wow. That was something.
- It sure was.
234
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:19,542
Haven't touched the stuff since Slick Willy
was in the White House.
235
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,377
- Fuck me.
- Yes.
236
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:24,047
- Now pour me another.
- Oh, no, no. The bar just closed.
237
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:26,007
One was an honour,
but I'm cutting you off.
238
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,885
Give me the fucking bottle, bush league,
before they come back.
239
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:30,178
Give...
240
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:31,846
- No. No.
- Give me the bottle.
241
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,598
- No.
- Come here!
242
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:36,601
My balls. Oh, shit.
243
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:40,688
- Thank you.
- Don't say anything.
244
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:43,691
Oh, my goodness.
245
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,693
Whose piece of shit Porsche is that?
246
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:48,112
- Stacy, what happened?
- Oh, you wouldn't believe it.
247
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:52,533
- Some fucking asshole...
- Well... It's actually kind of a classic.
248
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:55,036
- I just...
- Stacy, this is Becca's father.
249
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,704
Hank Moody, the writer.
250
00:15:56,747 --> 00:16:00,291
Stacy, I do believe I can see
the outline of your cock.
251
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:04,087
It looks like you've got yourself
a nice big fire helmet down there.
252
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:08,549
I'm more of an anteater myself.
Enhances sensitivity.
253
00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,802
Shall we dine?
254
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,560
Times are tough, Runkle.
255
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:23,815
I need you to sign motherfuckers
and put them to work.
256
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:26,567
That's what I want.
That's what you promised me.
257
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:29,904
Absolutely. You're right, Sue.
You can count on me.
258
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:33,324
I stepped away from the game
for a little while, but I am back now.
259
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,493
- I'm just a little rusty.
- Rusty.
260
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:38,454
You mean like a trombone?
Hey, anybody ever give you one of those?
261
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,040
I don't believe so.
262
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,793
Trust me, you'd remember.
263
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,421
Anilingus... with a tug job.
264
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:48,756
Ought to try it.
265
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,217
What's your favourite position?
266
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,386
- Sexually?
- Yeah.
267
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:58,057
- I don't see how that's at all relevant...
- I like a stand-up 69.
268
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:01,811
- You ever try it?
- That sounds challenging.
269
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,690
Exactly! Which is why you end up
coming like a baby gorilla.
270
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:10,611
So what's your take on interoffice romance?
271
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:14,949
I appreciate the interest, Sue.
Really, I do.
272
00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:17,702
But I am right in the middle
of a nasty divorce.
273
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:21,247
I'm what they call emotionally unavailable.
274
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:24,709
Emotions?
Who needs emotions?
275
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:28,504
I'm thinking about your tube steak.
Is that unavailable too?
276
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:33,092
Oh, you can play hard to get
all you like, Runkle.
277
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:35,303
Whatever makes you wet.
278
00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:38,473
But Sue Collini always gets the wienie.
279
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,641
Always.
280
00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,186
Bottoms up, cowboy.
281
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,564
Right of way or not,
you were definitely hogging the road.
282
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:49,692
- You flicked your cigarette at me.
- Sure. But you gave me the finger.
283
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,695
That got my Irish up.
That was downright antisocial of you.
284
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,947
Yes. But you were honking
your horn repeatedly.
285
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:57,867
Which brings us back full circle
to the fact that you were hogging the road.
286
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,994
- I'm just sayin'...
- I had the right of way.
287
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,746
- Who says?
- State of California.
288
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,372
- I don't agree.
- He doesn't agree.
289
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,833
- I don't agree.
- Can we change the subject, please?
290
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,836
I'm fine with that.
I mean, I've already moved on.
291
00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:10,838
And I won't hold any grudges. I'm cool.
292
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:14,759
- Hate the game, not the player.
- I'll drink to that.
293
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:19,889
- Unbelievable.
- Can we be excused?
294
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:24,143
- Please. I insist.
- Hey, ladies, no Mary Jane.
295
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:28,898
I'm serious. Try me. I'm like a drug-sniffing
dog with a hard-on for justice.
296
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,608
- Yeah. Hey...
- Father.
297
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:33,569
- Now get outta here.
- Jesus.
298
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:36,364
OK, I'm gonna throw this out to the table.
299
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:39,867
What are you guys thinking,
gay, bi-curious, huh? What?
300
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,995
What is wrong with you?
301
00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:46,666
What? I'm the asshole just because
I say what's on everybody's mind?
302
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,627
- It never occurred to me.
- Actually, me neither.
303
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:53,131
I can't really say I see it myself.
304
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:56,843
Little girls in pretty boxes.
305
00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:01,139
Well, I'm not afraid
to put it out there, you know?
306
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,474
And if my daughter decides she's a gay,
307
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:06,144
I cannot think of a nicer gal that she can,
308
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,437
you know,
indulge her Sapphic tendencies with.
309
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,567
- That's vaguely sweet, I think.
- Yes. Vaguely nauseating.
310
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:14,694
Where is the boom-boom room?
311
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:18,281
It's just down the hall, Richard, to your left.
312
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,784
Good squash.
313
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:25,037
Ten years' sobriety, down the drain.
Nice job.
314
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,665
How is he gonna get up in front of a class?
315
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:30,376
- Well, you know what they say.
- No, what do they say, Hank?
316
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:35,756
You really have to want to quit.
You gotta hit rock bottom.
317
00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:41,179
- Can I have a word with you, dear?
- Sure, darling.
318
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,893
So what's your story, morning glory?
319
00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:54,317
- I'm 33.
- Perfect.
320
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:57,153
- I'm getting my PhD on.
- Perfect.
321
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,739
English lit. I love to read.
322
00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:02,575
That's my drug of choice, the written word.
323
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:06,037
And...
I just ended a five-year relationship
324
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:07,955
that yielded me a big, fat nothing.
325
00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:10,958
Not to make it sound like
a cold, hard business deal, but...
326
00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:14,128
Whatever.
327
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,422
And my 20s went by
like a warm summer day,
328
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:20,051
and now my uterus is
deteriorating with every breath.
329
00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:23,554
So, yeah, I see it all.
You're handsome and you're funny and...
330
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:29,352
Really, unless you're a serious prospect,
do not so much as smile at me.
331
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:31,604
Really, truly. Don't try to charm me.
332
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,356
It would just be a heinous crime
333
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,275
against the other sex,
given this full disclosure.
334
00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:40,321
And I'm hard.
335
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:46,327
No, please, seriously.
You're really dangerous. Please stay away.
336
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:51,123
Let's try again, shall we?
337
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,960
That's mighty white of you, Stace.
338
00:20:54,002 --> 00:20:56,045
- Stacy.
- Stacy.
339
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,924
- Koons, right?
- That's right.
340
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:05,012
You're the dean
of this fine institute of fancy book learning?
341
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:09,183
- Correct.
- Which would make you Dean Koons?
342
00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:11,060
I've heard that one before.
343
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:14,188
Who wants to see me tuck
and do the pee-pee dance?
344
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,731
Oh, my God. Richard!
345
00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:19,485
Come on. I can't be the only one.
346
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:23,489
- And then, just like that...
- Where are the girls?
347
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:27,576
He unveiled his beautiful man-pussy.
348
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:31,289
His glorious mangina.
349
00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:38,879
Meet my peach, baby, blow on my dice
350
00:21:38,922 --> 00:21:44,093
I wanna swing that swing
Don't you treat me nice
351
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,971
- Richard, let me...
- I'm wild for you
352
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:51,142
- Let me call you a cab. Let me...
- Sweet baby, I'm a child for you
353
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:54,562
- Let's get your clothes.
- Why don't you stay in the guest room?
354
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:56,731
- Stacy.
- Yeah.
355
00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:59,066
Have you ever spent time
with an 11 -year-old boy
356
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:02,236
and wanted more from him
than he was willing to give?
357
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:07,491
Have you ever breathed in the scent of
a woman's sweaty, unwashed sex and just...
358
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,746
...wanted to bottle and sell it at market?
359
00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:16,042
Have you ever been so drunk on cock
360
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,210
you howled at the moon
361
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:20,963
and begged for a few inches more?
362
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:23,799
Ladies? Dean Koons?
363
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:27,261
All these questions and more
will be answered...
364
00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:29,889
...in my new novel.
365
00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:34,769
- Let's get you dressed.
- First, I wanna go for a swim!
366
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:43,903
Love that guy.
Big fan.
367
00:22:45,113 --> 00:22:47,448
- Big dick.
- Wow!
368
00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:59,168
What do you want, Charlie?
I'm watching my stories.
369
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:03,422
Marcy Ellen Runkle.
I love you.
370
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:08,260
Go home, you miserable sack of shit.
Sleep it off!
371
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:13,432
But this is my home! This!
And you know why?
372
00:23:14,601 --> 00:23:17,186
Because Marcy lives here.
373
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,814
She's my home.
374
00:23:19,856 --> 00:23:23,025
- My true west.
- North.
375
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:24,902
- What?
- True north.
376
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:27,029
- That's what they say.
- Who?
377
00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:29,198
Oh. What?
378
00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:33,077
Hey, Marce...
379
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:38,541
Let's give it another shot.
What do you say?
380
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:41,585
- No?
- OK, fair enough.
381
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:44,630
Can I use the bathroom?
382
00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:47,758
I have to go numero dos,
383
00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:51,178
and I don't know if I'm gonna make it
back to Westwood in time.
384
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,305
Make it quick, asshole.
385
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:57,059
You sure Becca's OK to spend the night?
386
00:23:57,102 --> 00:24:00,062
Yeah. Let her sleep.
I'll drop her off in the morning.
387
00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,356
But you'll keep an eye on them?
388
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:07,236
Oh, right. For signs of lesbianism.
Yeah. Will do. I'll be vigilant.
389
00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:12,616
Sorry about the drama tonight.
You must think I'm a world-class A-hole.
390
00:24:12,659 --> 00:24:15,536
Don't know about the world-class.
391
00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:20,040
Yeah, well, thank you. What about Bates?
Is he gonna be able to do his thing?
392
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:23,002
From rehab? I doubt it.
393
00:24:23,044 --> 00:24:26,755
You wouldn't happen to know
of any other bad-boy novelists
394
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:29,717
looking for a teaching gig, would you?
395
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:33,721
I don't know. I will bring it up
at the next union meeting.
396
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:36,515
- Good night.
- Night.
397
00:24:40,228 --> 00:24:42,521
Where are you headed?
398
00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:47,693
- Just home to the cats.
- Sounds hot.
399
00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:51,655
How about a libation?
400
00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:53,949
Like that could possibly end well.
401
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,368
Oh, look at you with the foresight and all.
402
00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:58,787
- Well played, lady.
- Thanks.
403
00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:02,333
Good night, Mr Moody.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
404
00:25:02,417 --> 00:25:06,045
Good night, psycho.
Take good care of that uterus.
405
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,645
Oh, my God, Charlie.
406
00:25:22,687 --> 00:25:25,731
- What are you doing in there?
- It's my IBS!
407
00:25:25,774 --> 00:25:29,151
You know how it kicks in
in times of extreme duress.
408
00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:32,613
Well, this is one of those times!
409
00:25:42,999 --> 00:25:45,834
All right. It's all right.
410
00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:49,838
Miserable slob.
411
00:25:49,881 --> 00:25:53,217
Guest room. Go.
412
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:03,060
- What up, lady fair?
- Hank, it's late.
413
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:05,479
And yet you don't sound
even remotely sleepy.
414
00:26:05,522 --> 00:26:08,899
- Burning the midnight oil?
- Something like that.
415
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:11,777
I get it. Big date, huh?
416
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:14,738
- I'm not sure how big it was.
- Gross.
417
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,034
Bad breath. HOB.
418
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:22,538
- HOB?
- Hair On Back.
419
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:24,707
Well, now I'm starting to feel better.
420
00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:28,836
- What about you?
- What about me?
421
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:31,589
Our monkey in the middle
said something about
422
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:34,174
crossing paths with a friend of yours.
423
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:38,804
- Oh, she's a little meddler, that one.
- That she is.
424
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:41,140
Well, not to worry.
425
00:26:41,182 --> 00:26:43,517
Bad breath. HOB.
426
00:26:46,187 --> 00:26:48,063
I miss you.
427
00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:49,982
I miss you too.
428
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:52,401
It ain't the same without you, you know.
429
00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:57,281
That's nice to hear.
430
00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:59,783
I think it's good, though.
431
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:03,370
- What's good?
- We're living our lives.
432
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:07,416
We're being all normal
and responsible and...
433
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:10,210
like real, live grown-ups.
434
00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:14,590
Well, yeah, I do feel
vaguely functional these days.
435
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,760
You know, I think
you might even be proud of me.
436
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:20,596
I'm always proud of you.
437
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:22,890
Even when I'm not.
438
00:27:26,561 --> 00:27:28,646
That's nice to hear.
439
00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:32,608
- But...
- But what?
440
00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:36,904
What if, in the process of being...
441
00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:41,492
all responsible and grown-up like,
we...
442
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:44,161
just kinda get over each other?
443
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:49,917
What if...
444
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:53,337
you tell me about our daughter?
445
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:57,216
Well...
446
00:27:57,258 --> 00:28:00,260
Things are changing, Karen,
just like you said they would.
447
00:28:00,303 --> 00:28:02,930
I mean, fast, you know, but I'm...
448
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:07,601
I'm holding on as hard as I can,
and I am not gonna let go.
449
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:10,396
I mean, I won't forget you...
34684
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