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1
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Previously on Californication...
2
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:23,063
I'm having what you might call a crisis
of faith. To put it simply, I can't write.
3
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:26,692
You have this incredible talent,
and you're just flushing it down the toilet.
4
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,861
Maybe you're right.
I'm fucked up right now.
5
00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:31,155
- I need you.
- No, I'm getting married.
6
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,325
- Is Dad a bad person?
- No. Not at all.
7
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:38,328
I mean, he does have a habit
of getting into trouble sometimes.
8
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,747
Fuckin' fucker!
9
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:45,669
Get on with your life. And forget about
the woman you didn't want to marry.
10
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,131
As your friend and agent, may I suggest
you start looking for a nice girl.
11
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,175
What is your name, by the way?
12
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,218
Wouldn't you rather just fuck me?
13
00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:54,595
I'm a scientologist, Hank.
14
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,099
So, you're the famous writer, huh?
15
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,852
This is Mia, Bill's daughter.
16
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,729
She's 16.
17
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,274
What happened the other night
will never happen again.
18
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,234
I know you guys aren't gonna live
happily ever after.
19
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,653
It's just nice to be together sometimes.
20
00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:14,281
I want to go back
and do it all over again.
21
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,657
I'm gonna marry Bill.
22
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,327
- I wrote something.
- You what?
23
00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:21,455
- Hank wrote a new book? Can I read it?
- I don't think that's appropriate.
24
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:22,539
What did you write?
25
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,292
An older man unwittingly beds
an underage girl.
26
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,418
I wrote this novel.
27
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,421
- This woman's written the book of the year.
- Is that right?
28
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,716
If I say anything,
there's no stopping her from telling Karen.
29
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:33,842
Fuck, the police.
30
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,637
If anyone knows of a reason
why this couple should not wed,
31
00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:38,472
speak now or forever hold your peace.
32
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,807
What?
33
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,601
- Wait! Hank!
- You sure?
34
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,478
Quick, before I change my fuckin' mind.
35
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,688
Karen, wait!
Come back!
36
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,236
Are you ready?
37
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,698
Fuck, no.
38
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,910
You are gonna be so glad you did this.
39
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,037
I don't want to talk about it right now.
40
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,083
I've got a godlike erection.
Seems a shame to waste it.
41
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,710
We got to get going.
42
00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:50,878
Really?
43
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,505
You'd deny a dying man his final meal?
44
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:57,843
Oh, my God. You're gonna milk this
for all it's worth, aren't you?
45
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:01,013
Absolutely.
Don't make me beg. It's unseemly.
46
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:07,144
- Fine. You better make it snappy.
- Oh, you won't feel a thing. I promise.
47
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:12,399
- Oh, what are you doing?
- Just assuming the posish.
48
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,234
Oh. Oh, hot diggety.
49
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,863
- What are you doing?
- I'm assuming my posish.
50
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:21,450
Get a rubber. One more time.
Come on, what's the big deal?
51
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:26,413
That's my point exactly.
I'll pull out and hose you down.
52
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:28,540
Is that supposed to turn me on?
53
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:29,958
Maybe.
54
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,502
- Did it?
- Not so much.
55
00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:44,056
You better start talking dirty.
This could take a while.
56
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,724
OK.
57
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,019
- What do you want me to say?
- Right before you come...
58
00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,105
...call me Bill.
59
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:55,651
- Who says I'm gonna come?
- Ooh, a challenge.
60
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:57,861
Game on.
61
00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:02,324
Get ready for Thor's hammer.
62
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,959
- You want to see it?
- See what?
63
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,544
The section of the vas def I just cut out.
64
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,129
Vas definitely not.
65
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:20,300
If it feels like I'm sewing the flesh
at the base of your penis back together,
66
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,468
that's because I am.
67
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,346
Why do you look like a welder?
You're not welding anything, are you?
68
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:27,182
- So, why the vasectomy?
- I hate the rubbers.
69
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:31,103
Yeah, me too.
Can't feel a damn thing.
70
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,106
Try not to give the guy a hard-on, OK?
71
00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:36,233
That would be messy.
72
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,946
Looks like there's a new Pope.
73
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:44,533
Pain and swelling, totally normal.
A bag of frozen peas should do the trick.
74
00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:47,244
Some prefer edamame.
It's totally up to you.
75
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,247
No sex for 48 hours,
and that includes masturbation.
76
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,207
After that, the more the better.
77
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,335
Seriously. You still got
a lot of viable sperm up in there.
78
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:59,423
Got to get it out somehow.
If you need any help, let me know.
79
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:00,966
Great-looking cock.
80
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:05,762
Thank you.
81
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,648
Don't think I don't see
what's happening here.
82
00:05:58,691 --> 00:05:59,775
Oh, what's that?
83
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:01,943
You're not attracted to me anymore.
84
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:03,820
That's right, that's right.
85
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,822
I ran away with you on my wedding night
86
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,367
because you just don't do it for me
anymore.
87
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,285
Yes. See, on a purely chemical level,
88
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:13,038
you realise that
I can't impregnate you any more.
89
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,582
The biological imperative
has been compromised.
90
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,960
You should consider yourself lucky
that we're even having sex.
91
00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:21,505
Oh, I do. I do. And it's been rad.
92
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,132
You know, I forgot what
a little hellcat you can be.
93
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,760
No, no, no, no.
Please, don't do that.
94
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,553
- No, that was gross.
- Seriously.
95
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,472
Man should not meow...
Ever.
96
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,058
We're doing what couples do, Hank.
97
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:37,187
We're making responsible,
grown-up decisions.
98
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,271
Together.
99
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,108
- Why are you smiling like that?
- How am I smiling?
100
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,819
Like a retard.
101
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:47,280
It was just nice to hear you
refer to us as a couple again.
102
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,574
- Sounded good.
- Wow...
103
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:53,245
They really did neuter you,
didn't they?
104
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:54,413
Kiss the eunuch.
105
00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:59,876
- Oh, honey! God. Don't grind. No grinding.
- I know, but I forgot. I'm so sorry.
106
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:17,811
How's the package?
107
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:20,730
This is not a conversation I ever wanted
to have with my daughter,
108
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,357
but thanks for asking, sweetie.
109
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,444
- She called.
- She who?
110
00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:28,947
That real estate whore.
She's bringing some people by.
111
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,574
Language, young lady.
112
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:35,203
Next time she tells me to clean my room,
I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady!"
113
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,872
And give her a titty twister.
114
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,542
As much as I'd like to see that,
115
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:43,128
the idea is to sell this place
and get out of dodge.
116
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,922
If you tidied up your shrine
to Norwegian death metal,
117
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:47,799
it might facilitate things a little bit.
118
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:50,844
I don't want to help sell the place
because I don't want to move.
119
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,263
This is our home.
We're happy here.
120
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:55,724
I love L.A.
121
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,100
She's your daughter.
122
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:02,147
Hey, honey, not that I mind having this
conversation for the 73rd time this week,
123
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:05,150
but could we do it maybe
when Daddy's balls don't ache so much?
124
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,444
And it's black metal,
not Norwegian!
125
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,987
She needs more time.
126
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:12,824
No, Karen, we have discussed this
like the responsible parents that we are.
127
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:15,494
New York will always be there for us.
128
00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,329
You agreed she'd be better off
in New York.
129
00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:21,291
But we don't have the right to yank her
away from the only life she knows.
130
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,376
Damn it. I need a cigarette.
131
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,128
How about a Vicodin?
132
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,380
Oh, I like-o-din.
133
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:28,632
Well, that'll do.
134
00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:32,135
My poor little gelding.
135
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,261
That's mean.
136
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,351
Karen. Karen!
137
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,061
Peas!
138
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:42,812
Or edamame!
139
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,219
That is nice.
140
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:22,644
Make yourself at home.
141
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,855
Mi casa es su casa.
142
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,901
Might want to start out at the patio,
though.
143
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:39,286
Hey, big fella, you think I might get
my hands on some frozen veggies there?
144
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,454
I think you should wait your fuckin' turn.
145
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,171
You.
146
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,381
Me.
147
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,757
- We...
- Sure did.
148
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,552
- Couple of times, actually.
- Long time ago.
149
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,804
In a galaxy not so far away.
150
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,599
So, what's going on?
151
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,601
Oh, not much.
I'm just, uh, you know,
152
00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:06,396
in the market for some frozen peas,
maybe some edamame.
153
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,064
Totally up to me.
154
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:09,941
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
155
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,526
Why? I'm fine.
156
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,070
I don't know,
you seem like you're in pain.
157
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,489
No more than usual.
How you doing?
158
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,618
Same old.
Livin' la vida loca.
159
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,454
True dat.
It's hard out there for a pimp.
160
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,206
So...
161
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:31,963
Do you want to get high
and listen to some... records?
162
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,048
Oh, dear.
163
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:38,887
Would that I could but... big life changes
since last we made the love.
164
00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:40,805
Got back together with the ex.
165
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,558
Baby mama.
166
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:44,809
It's on.
167
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:47,979
That's too bad.
168
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,148
You were a great lay.
169
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,943
That is...
170
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,529
so sweet of you to say.
171
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:59,199
I will tell the old lady you said so.
172
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:00,992
Be well, Hank.
173
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,708
You too...
174
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,131
...surfer girl.
175
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,342
What are you, some kind of pussy?
176
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,344
She would have totally fucked you.
177
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,764
- I don't do that anymore.
- You should do that while you still can.
178
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,308
You never know when
you're gonna wind up in one of these.
179
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,770
You don't really need that thing, I bet.
You just like to zip around in it.
180
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,647
- Makes you feel special.
- Oh, yeah?
181
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,440
You ever hear of a prolapsed rectum?
182
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,566
Asshole.
183
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,528
Rectum?
184
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,571
Damn near killed him.
185
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,283
Hello?
186
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:43,410
Yeah? No.
187
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,328
Oh, she was there when I left.
188
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,685
You, Becca.
189
00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:11,938
- In the car, now.
- Dad.
190
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,732
I'm not fuckin' around! Now!
191
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,698
So, who is this, like, your dad?
192
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,283
Go away.
193
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:24,868
I'm serious. I'll kill you.
194
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:28,246
Your dad's kind of a dick.
195
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:37,839
Kind of?
196
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,049
I don't want her hanging out here.
197
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,051
What am I supposed to do,
kick her to the curb?
198
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:45,096
- She's my little pseudo-sister.
- What is this?
199
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,099
It's not a memoir.
200
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,769
It's a written account
of my sexual relationship with you.
201
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,896
Written by me as a fuckin' novel.
202
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:56,149
Even I'm confused,
and I stole the damn thing.
203
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:57,901
Well, I hope you're enjoying it.
204
00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,320
I hope all my hard work
is paying off for you.
205
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,864
- Is it?
- It is, very much so.
206
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:06,159
Just as I hope you're enjoying
my father's wife.
207
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,703
- He says hi, by the way.
- He doesn't.
208
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:19,005
Are you all right... here?
209
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,757
You're all alone, and I...
210
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:25,887
Much as it warms the cockles
to hear you say it, I'm fine.
211
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,264
Don't worry about me.
Worry about the Becca.
212
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,183
She's pissed off and she's scared.
213
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,685
Scared?
214
00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:35,522
Think about it.
She got what she always wanted,
215
00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:38,441
the happy ending
to beat all happy endings.
216
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:42,111
She's just waiting for the other shoe
to drop, for you to fuck it up,
217
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,864
or for Karen to realise
she made a big mistake.
218
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:47,408
Both have been known to happen.
219
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,245
Goddamn it,
I need a cigarette.
220
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:54,749
Goodbye.
221
00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:06,094
I know you're pissed at me.
222
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:08,972
I know your mother and I have done
some unforgivable shit to you,
223
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,808
and I know you're rapidly approaching
that age where the thought of
224
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,936
having a conversation with your father
makes you nauseous.
225
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:17,856
But I just want you to know
that I'm not gonna quit trying.
226
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,899
OK?
227
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:23,611
Cos you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
228
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,280
And I love the shit out of you.
229
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,368
How's the balls?
230
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,748
The boys have seen better days.
Thank you.
231
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,126
Was that a laugh?
232
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,297
My pain is funny to you?
Jesus, you're just like your mother.
233
00:14:42,339 --> 00:14:44,340
You should know
what that woman put me through.
234
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,759
It is a hideous, barbaric...
235
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,636
almost medieval procedure.
236
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,890
Hank, you're preaching to the choir,
OK? I've been there.
237
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,600
Really? You've been vasectomised?
238
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:55,602
Why do you think
we don't have any little rug rats?
239
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,854
I guess I just always
assumed you were barren.
240
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:58,855
Asshole.
241
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,316
- Hey, be nice to my wounded soldier.
- He started it.
242
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:03,067
Or the bald eagle was shooting blanks.
243
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,904
That I am, my good man,
ever since the snip, snip, snip.
244
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:08,781
- Well, the second one.
- Shh! You're gonna freak him out.
245
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,284
What do you mean "the second one"?
The second what?
246
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,370
You know, they...
Sometimes, uh...
247
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,289
- It doesn't take.
- Doesn't take?
248
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,292
- That's not cool at all.
- Sometimes you got to do it again.
249
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,045
I did not have a perfectly good chunk
of my vas def cut off
250
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:25,632
so I could go back to wearing condoms
like some pimply-faced teenager.
251
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,550
- I love the rubbers.
- Why?
252
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,927
Why do you love rubbers?
253
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,471
They slow me down, man.
Keep me in the game.
254
00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:32,847
Retard sensation.
255
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,642
- He's an excitable boy.
- That's right.
256
00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:38,853
Are you intimating that
he ejaculates prema-charlie?
257
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,315
- Nice. Thank you.
- Great, right?
258
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,778
Why would you guys want to go back
259
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,697
- to that disgusting city of yours?
- Oh, don't bring that up.
260
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,075
- It's because it's a city.
- Oh, come on.
261
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,494
Can I have a white wine?
262
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:01,334
Yeah... Sonja.
Hey. Hank.
263
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,045
Awkward.
264
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:07,924
- Karen.
- Hey, Karen!
265
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,550
- Hey, look.
- Hey, Sonja.
266
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,302
Nice to see you again.
267
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:12,887
I found something that works better.
268
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,306
You mean you found something better
269
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:20,144
than a pseudo-religious cult
founded by a lunatic sci-fi hack? Do tell.
270
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:22,355
Well, it's a little complicated over drinks.
271
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,816
But maybe lunch tomorrow?
It's been too long.
272
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,734
- Sure.
- Wait, hold on a second.
273
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:30,947
I'm not sure how I feel about two ladies with
whom I've made the love lunching together.
274
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,031
Hank.
275
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:35,410
OK, I'm pretty sure
I feel pretty good about it.
276
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:38,079
It's cute. You guys
are officially back together?
277
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:41,290
For now. Until we fuck it up, right?
278
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,668
- Could be any second now.
- No.
279
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,087
- Dude, Julian's a writer, too.
- Really?
280
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,171
My condolences.
281
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,508
He wrote The Artist Within.
Fucking genius.
282
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,719
- No way.
- Check, please.
283
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:56,139
- Hank, that's rude.
- I'll send you guys a copy if you want.
284
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:59,559
No need. I have it on my nightstand
right now. I love it.
285
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:02,103
Let me try to understand this.
286
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,440
Hold on a second. You write about
what it's like to be an artist?
287
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:08,985
- Don't be a douche, Hank.
- You ask the impossible, sweetheart.
288
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,988
No, it's fine.
The negativity is... It's normal.
289
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:16,659
What I write about is...
accessing the artist
290
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,245
that exists inside every single one of us.
291
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:23,791
It really works. I've never been happier.
My business has never been better.
292
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:27,295
I'm thinking of expanding,
bringing on an architect. We should talk.
293
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,464
So, you really believe
294
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:34,260
that everybody on this planet
has an artist inside them,
295
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,055
like, an inner Schnabel, if you will?
296
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,222
I do.
297
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:41,559
Which means you must
consider yourself an artist.
298
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:45,521
I like to think of myself
as more of a creative midwife.
299
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:49,942
Well, I like to think of myself as having
a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so.
300
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,527
- Oh, my God.
- Two inches shy.
301
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,115
Well, we have to get going, baby.
302
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,701
- Fashionably late is one thing...
- Oh, right.
303
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,829
You know what? We're going to this party
up in Laurel Canyon.
304
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,791
You guys want to come?
You would fucking love this house.
305
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,376
- A party? Even us?
- Yes, even you.
306
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,837
- Fuckin' A, let's go.
- No, but have fun.
307
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:25,978
I quit smoking.
308
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,439
Wow. Look at you.
No, I'm good, thanks.
309
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,149
What, did you give it up for Lent?
310
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:31,234
No, I'm...
311
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,568
I'm pregnant.
312
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:36,656
- You didn't notice my bump?
- I did. I just thought you put on weight.
313
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,659
- No.
- I'm kidding. Congratulations.
314
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:42,203
Thanks. Thank you.
Yeah, we're very happy.
315
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,080
Well done, lady.
316
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,291
Last time I saw you, you were
boning a degenerate doggy-style
317
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,460
and projectile-vomiting
all over Bill's bedroom.
318
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:52,255
Two things which I totally dug about you.
319
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:55,049
- Was that me? Wow.
- Yeah, don't ever change.
320
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:57,844
- What the hell?
- What?
321
00:18:57,886 --> 00:19:00,388
Shooting cock pain.
I got to go.
322
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,682
- Good to see you.
- OK. Yeah.
323
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,312
My mama!
324
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:10,606
What the fuck?
325
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:14,360
I leave you alone for two seconds.
You're not supposed to do that.
326
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:17,655
- Why not, Daddy?
- You know why not.
327
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,240
I know, but...
328
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,409
Just look how nice they look.
329
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,536
Pretty little maids all in a row. Just...
330
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,080
You want to go back to Promises?
331
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,293
Come on.
332
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,171
Don't you remember...
333
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:39,343
...how good the sex used to be...
334
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:42,346
when I used to sprinkle it
on your naughty bits?
335
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:47,268
I seem to recall something vaguely pleasant
about the sensation, yes.
336
00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:03,743
What do you know,
you're without "the artist within".
337
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,036
Must be lonely.
338
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:08,414
You must be jealous.
That's kind of cute.
339
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,583
Come on. We got to go.
340
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:11,667
Hank?
341
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:16,464
I am so touched
by what you did for me today.
342
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,008
I am.
343
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,134
Yes, but...
344
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,763
What I did for you today
means that I can't do this
345
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,057
or anything like it for the next 48 hours.
346
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:27,642
Oh, yeah.
347
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:33,606
There's more than one way
to skin a cat.
348
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:36,150
Jeez, I like you stoned.
349
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,986
You do? I like you liking me stoned.
350
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,201
- Holy shit.
- What?
351
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:48,412
- I think you're giving me a boner.
- That's great news.
352
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:51,916
It is great news. No, no, it is.
I just... I'm afraid I might pop a stitch.
353
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:54,085
- Come here.
- No, no. I want to check it.
354
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:55,253
I'll be right back.
355
00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:58,506
I don't want you to see him like this.
It could be bloody.
356
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,967
What are you doing?
357
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,512
Assuming the posish.
358
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:08,891
Feel free to start without me.
359
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,481
Hey, you got a rubber?
360
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:20,027
I think I got the Ramses in my wallet from
high school, but I'm pretty sure it's expired.
361
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,571
- Hand it over.
- I was kidding.
362
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:25,408
Fuckin' chick is insisting I wear a rubber.
363
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:26,951
What is that all about?
364
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:28,995
- That's not very rock 'n' roll.
- Not at all.
365
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:31,497
If it's dark enough,
you could rip open an Alka-Seltzer.
366
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,708
- And bang her with it?
- No.
367
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:36,919
It'll create the illusion
that you're wearing a jimmy hat.
368
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:40,423
David Copperfield does it.
Not on stage.
369
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,758
- Thanks, man.
- You know, I was kidding.
370
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:56,374
Hey, asshole!
371
00:22:57,959 --> 00:22:59,001
Hey!
372
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:00,294
Hello?
373
00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:02,671
Karen!
374
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:07,593
Karen! Karen!
375
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,720
Hey, anybody got an Alka-Seltzer?
376
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:10,805
Lew!
377
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,433
This fucking perv
just tried to mouth-rape me!
378
00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:16,352
Really? What the fuck, dude?
379
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:19,271
You're a guest in my home,
and you go mouth-rape...
380
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:23,359
- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Destiny.
381
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:24,735
Felicity.
382
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,987
Come on, there was no raping.
383
00:23:27,030 --> 00:23:29,448
I wasn't raping.
I'm not a rapey kind of guy.
384
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:33,452
Karen! I was looking for you.
There you are.
385
00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,162
God! Tell him I'm not rapey.
386
00:23:36,623 --> 00:23:38,833
I accidentally went down on her.
387
00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:42,002
What? How do you accidentally
go down on someone?
388
00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:43,963
Big house, a lot of rooms, it was dark.
389
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,716
I went to the bathroom, got turned around
and accidentally went down on her.
390
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:54,348
I buy it. Sell it to her.
391
00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:59,270
So I seem to have procured
a little prophylactic.
392
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:03,983
I'll get the car.
393
00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:10,948
I know, I smell like pussy.
394
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:15,119
I'm sorry, Karen. I'm very sorry.
That was an honest mistake.
395
00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:18,581
You just had your mouth
on another woman's vagina?
396
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:22,084
Yes, I did, but the moment
my tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours.
397
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:23,627
- Shut up.
- It wasn't perfect.
398
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:26,922
I could pick your pussy out
of a police line-up of pussy. I could.
399
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:30,050
You know, if your pussy was ever arrested,
God forbid,
400
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:33,846
and had to be identified in some kind of
line-up, I would get it right away.
401
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:38,517
"Pussy number 2, step forward,
turn profile. That's Karen."
402
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:43,898
Oh, my God. I must have been fucking
crazy thinking things could be different.
403
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:47,151
Fuck me!
404
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,827
Don't start saying things
you can't take back.
405
00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:58,829
I don't want to take it back.
406
00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:00,539
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
407
00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,500
- You do.
- Don't tell me what I mean.
408
00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:04,543
- Good evening, sir, ma'am.
- Good evening.
409
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,254
- You know why I stopped you?
- No, I don't, sir.
410
00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:09,381
Educate me, Officer...
411
00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:12,468
- Dick? Really?
- Shut up.
412
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,553
- Hank, shut up.
- Officer Dick.
413
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,889
That was mean.
That was really a low blow.
414
00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:21,101
- Coming from the mouth rapist?
- You have a headlight out.
415
00:25:21,144 --> 00:25:24,563
It's been that way for months,
but tonight I get stopped, of all nights.
416
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:25,898
Just my fuckin' luck!
417
00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:30,277
- Cos it's all about luck. It has nothing...
- Can we just sleep on this?
418
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,780
Is there a reason
you're not wearing a shirt, sir?
419
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:35,157
Yes, there is, officer.
420
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,452
There's a very good one,
and I couldn't even begin to explain.
421
00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:39,912
No. Try, try.
422
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:42,039
See if he thinks it was an honest mistake.
423
00:25:42,082 --> 00:25:44,291
OK, one more time, for the cheap seats.
424
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:46,377
What happened there
could have happened to anybody!
425
00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:49,922
Wrong place, wrong time,
wrong vagina!
426
00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:52,716
Shh! I'm sorry. He's been drinking.
427
00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:54,635
What the fuck, Karen?
428
00:25:56,137 --> 00:25:59,348
- Have you been drinking, sir?
- Hours ago.
429
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,560
But not to excess.
I don't do that anymore.
430
00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:05,521
I mean, I do,
but not nearly as often as I used to.
431
00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:08,065
And he's been taking Vicodin.
432
00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:11,402
Come on, now. That's... Karen.
433
00:26:12,529 --> 00:26:16,156
I know you're pissed at me
for going down on that woman,
434
00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:18,409
but are you trying to get me thrown in jail?
435
00:26:18,451 --> 00:26:20,369
- Shut the fuck up.
- Step out of the car.
436
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:21,579
Hold on, sir...
437
00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:26,375
- Out of the car now.
- You just caught us at a really bad time.
438
00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:30,087
Excuse me for saying so, ma'am. You don't
have to put up with this kind of behaviour.
439
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:33,382
- I know. He's...
- You just mind your own fuckin' business!
440
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:34,466
Excuse me, sir?
441
00:26:34,509 --> 00:26:38,304
All due respect, Officer, but aren't
you stepping outside the job description?
442
00:26:38,346 --> 00:26:40,681
I didn't know you guys
had the right to editorialise.
443
00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:46,145
Have you been smoking marijuana, sir?
444
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:50,566
- One hit. One!
- OK, let's go. Turn around.
445
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,776
You can't arrest somebody
for being a wiseass.
446
00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:55,613
No, but I certainly can
for driving under the influence.
447
00:26:55,655 --> 00:26:57,281
Officer, excuse me.
448
00:26:57,324 --> 00:27:00,117
This is just, like, a big misunderstanding.
449
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,744
Of course it is. OK?
450
00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:03,954
The thing that I can't understand
451
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,875
is what a woman like that
is doing with a prick like you.
452
00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:09,752
She's got to have a screw loose, right?
453
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:12,129
Maybe that's how you like 'em, right,
a little crazy?
454
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:14,965
Maybe if you go down on her
a little more often...
455
00:27:16,259 --> 00:27:18,344
Hank! What the...
456
00:27:18,678 --> 00:27:21,013
Hank! No!
457
00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:24,725
No!
458
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:33,484
Not the balls!
33473
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