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1
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Previously on Californication...
2
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,796
I don't think you heard me.
I wrote something.
3
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,172
Hank wrote a new book?
4
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,133
- Can I read it?
- I don't think that's appropriate.
5
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,885
I gave it to Karen.
She reads all my stuff first.
6
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,096
- Is there a copy?
- That's the only one.
7
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- I can't read it, Hank.
- Why not?
8
00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,099
I can't go back.
9
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,726
I want to go right back
where we were before.
10
00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:20,644
I don't think that's possible.
11
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,771
What the fuck?
12
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:24,648
I'm getting a bad feeling here.
13
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,567
I'm thinking you intend
to give that to someone
14
00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:28,694
who might already be engaged.
15
00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:30,237
We had the sex, Karen.
16
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,239
I don't love you any more.
17
00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:34,450
I love Bill. I'm gonna marry Bill.
18
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:36,118
- Get the fuck out of the car, man!
- Whoa, whoa...
19
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,746
- Get the fuck out of the car!
- Let me just grab this.
20
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:42,041
- No! Get the fuck out! Get out!
- Get the fuck out!
21
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,417
Shut the fuck up!
22
00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:01,435
Kiss the tip!
23
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,162
What up, Butterbean?
24
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:23,123
Hey-hey, roomie. Top of the mornin' to ya.
25
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,667
How 'bout this beautiful
fucking weather we're having here, huh?
26
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:27,920
Yeah, it looks like another sunny day in hell.
27
00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,963
What the fuck are you doing?
28
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:33,092
Now that I'm gonna be out there
competing for all this high-end pussy,
29
00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:35,803
I gotta try to get this body in
to some kind of fightin' shape.
30
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:40,015
- That is a fool's errand, my friend.
- Hey, hey, hey. Don't be hatin'.
31
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,559
Take it from somebody who's been
there on the front lines.
32
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:44,895
That shit is emptier than a Michael Bay
joint.
33
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,397
- You're just over it now, all of a sudden?
- No, I'm just sayin'...
34
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:52,027
You know, new pussy may hold
the promise of something better,
35
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,822
but it sure as shit ain't love.
36
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:59,243
Great. So I shuck off the old ball and chain,
and you get thee to a nunnery.
37
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:01,120
- Perfect timing.
- What about the Marce?
38
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:03,539
You gotta miss the Marce.
I know you miss the Marce, right?
39
00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:05,457
That sexy little Smurf was good to you.
40
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:08,585
The sexy little Smurf
cheated on me with my assistant.
41
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,921
Yes, but you cheated on her
with your assistant.
42
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,798
- First, I might add.
- Point being?
43
00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:14,049
Your shit's fucked up.
44
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:16,677
My shit's fucked up?
What about your shit? My shit.
45
00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:18,345
That goes without saying, but yours more.
46
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,347
Good, this is what I like
about having a roommate.
47
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,307
You know, we got the banter going.
48
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:25,769
We got the... the petits bons mots.
49
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:30,816
- What you got going on later?
- Oh, I don't know...
50
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:35,070
I thought I'd start the day with
some dry toast and half a grapefruit,
51
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:39,241
bust out the old computer,
bang out ten pages, maybe go for a run.
52
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,411
Maybe I'll just jerk off and go back to bed.
53
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:45,706
Wake me up when you come home.
We'll grab a cocktail, all right?
54
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:48,834
- Have a good day at work, honey.
- Hey...
55
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,921
I was thinking, later, me and you...
we hit the gym. Tonight.
56
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:56,341
Oh, Jesus, enough already.
Just call your fucking wife.
57
00:02:56,384 --> 00:03:00,053
Do whatever you have to do.
Beg, plead, cry. Get down on bended knee.
58
00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,472
Cos I'm telling you,
no amount of top-shelf pussy
59
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,183
can compete with
the love of a good woman.
60
00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:06,685
Top shelf. Top shelf, baby.
61
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,938
Jesus. All right. I'll go to the gym with you.
62
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:12,149
But I'm not wearing
any dolphin shorts or hanging any brain,
63
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,984
so don't get your hopes up too high.
64
00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:05,160
Don't forget that meeting
with your friend's daughter.
65
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:07,955
- She wants to be a writer or something.
- Not in the mood.
66
00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:10,457
- Reschedule.
- OK, no problem.
67
00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:16,004
- You got a minute, boss?
- Boss, huh? I thought you were moving on.
68
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,839
When is your
two weeks' notice up, anyway?
69
00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:20,676
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
70
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,095
Things have gotten a little weird.
71
00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:25,764
Oh, really?
72
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,267
They weren't always a little weird?
73
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:30,269
You didn't do anything wrong.
74
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,105
I went after something I wanted.
I started it.
75
00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:36,275
That's right. That's r... You started it.
76
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:39,653
And that's where free will comes in.
Choices were made, boss.
77
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:42,572
I get your point.
78
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:45,701
- So what's your choice?
- I want to stay.
79
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:48,537
I want to learn from you.
I want to be an agent.
80
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:53,292
I see. So, first,
you systematically destroy my marriage,
81
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,961
and now you want me
to help with your career.
82
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,881
Well, fuck you and fuck off.
83
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,009
OK. Fair enough.
84
00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:04,761
I guess I'll just have to look
elsewhere for career guidance.
85
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,889
Maybe I'll start with HR.
I bet you they'd love to help.
86
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:10,600
Especially when I told them what
I went through on your desk.
87
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,854
The spanking, the crawling on the floor,
88
00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:16,815
- the sexual humiliation...
- Wow.
89
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:19,026
Apparently you've got
the makings of an excellent agent.
90
00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:20,986
So where do I start?
91
00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:24,489
You start by going through
that slush pile over there.
92
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:28,327
Find me some great material...
something I can sell.
93
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,004
Hey, you can't smoke in here.
94
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,757
What are you gonna do, kick my ass?
95
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:46,928
- Hank, right?
- Yeah. Have we met?
96
00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:50,098
You've got to get in the ring, dude.
This is fucking exhilarating.
97
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:52,893
No. I think I'm good.
98
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:56,021
- Pussy.
- Excuse me?
99
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:58,899
You heard me. I called you a pussy.
100
00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:01,360
You afraid to get your ass
handed to you by a woman?
101
00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:04,154
No. Actually, I think
I'm in touch with that emotion.
102
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,323
Hey, what are you doing later, huh?
103
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,033
How would you like
to get a drink with two guys
104
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:10,744
who will work harder for your affection
than you ever imagined possible?
105
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:13,580
- Hey, speak for yourself, there.
- Well, that depends.
106
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:16,416
- On what?
- On whether or not your buddy over here
107
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,835
wants to get in the ring with me.
108
00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:29,304
Hi. I've got a meeting with Charlie Runkle.
109
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,599
Oh, you must be Mia.
110
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:35,185
I'm so sorry. I know it's last-minute,
but he had to reschedule.
111
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,188
- I tried to call you.
- But my phone died.
112
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,773
Sorry, my bad.
113
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:45,570
Well, um, I'm sure Charlie
would love to reschedule
114
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,656
at your earliest convenience.
115
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:51,868
Oh. Right. Fine.
That's fine. Whatever.
116
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,995
Is there anything I can help you with?
117
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:56,123
- Are you an agent?
- Not yet.
118
00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:58,375
But I will be soon.
119
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,253
Well, I wrote this novel,
and I was just wondering
120
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,964
if Charlie would read it
and give me some notes,
121
00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:06,091
let me know if I'm on the right track.
122
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,885
- How old are you?
- 16.
123
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:12,681
And you've written a novel.
That's impressive. What's it about?
124
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:15,058
A 16-year-old girl
fucks a much, much older man
125
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,061
and finds herself both spiritually
and sexually awakened.
126
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,648
It's Nabokov meets Judy Blume
with lots of fucking and punching.
127
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:25,235
- And what's it called?
- Fucking And Punching.
128
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,198
- Well, I'd be happy to read it.
- You would? Cool.
129
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,284
I'll give you a call when I'm done.
130
00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:34,661
And we could meet for coffee or something.
131
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:37,330
Well, you might want to read it now.
132
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:39,666
Because you might not
get another chance to.
133
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:43,003
It's up to you.
I'll be in here checking my email.
134
00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:44,629
Enjoy.
135
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,889
I'm sorry, I just can't place you.
136
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,185
- The Circle Bar...
- Hey.
137
00:07:58,227 --> 00:07:59,978
About a year ago.
138
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:05,108
You bought me a drink
and I spent the night in your apartment,
139
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:08,570
doing things I haven't done
with anyone since.
140
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:11,490
You promised to call.
141
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:13,116
You didn't.
142
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,952
- OK. That was low.
- Sorry.
143
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:19,998
OK, now I'm gonna
have to deduct a point.
144
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,461
Now you're starting to...
145
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,589
look familiar.
146
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,591
Let me... Let me make it up to you.
147
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:34,012
Let me take you out to dinner sometime,
or maybe get a drink.
148
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,806
Sure. After I beat the living shit out of you.
149
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:39,851
OK, now I'm thinking
I should wear a cup to dinner.
150
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,532
You really should've called her.
She seemed angry.
151
00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:56,868
- You think?
- Another vodka-cranberry.
152
00:08:56,911 --> 00:09:00,830
- Fag.
- I can't drink like you, OK?
153
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,166
I need something a little sweet
to help the medicine go down.
154
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,377
Faggoty fag fag fag.
155
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,880
This is cool,
us hanging out here, right?
156
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:12,676
Just like Raoul Duke
and Dr Gonzo, right?
157
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,135
We haven't done this since the salad days.
158
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,513
Yeah, like when you used
to use me to get laid.
159
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,431
Like when you used
to use me to get published.
160
00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:21,059
- That worked, didn't it?
- For you, maybe. Not so much for me.
161
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,519
It worked for me.
162
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,855
And I never really got to
sow the wild oats the way I would've liked.
163
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,899
You know, I was always too busy working.
164
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:32,737
- And now you're haunted by it, huh?
- It's a pretty drink.
165
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:34,573
You know, most people,
they go their whole life,
166
00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:36,324
and they never really
find someone they love.
167
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:40,537
They say they do because everybody's
the star of their own little romantic comedy,
168
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,871
but they're full of shit.
169
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,708
You and me, we had women
that loved us for who we were,
170
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,419
really loved us for who we
were, and we fucked it up.
171
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,546
For what?
172
00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:52,299
Some stupid piece of ass
we forgot about ten minutes later?
173
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:55,760
Wow, you're fun tonight.
Just don't worry so much, all right?
174
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,304
Everything's gonna work itself out.
175
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:59,639
It's a phase we're going through, that's all.
176
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:05,979
Hello?
177
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,273
H-e-ey.
178
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:11,109
Yeah. That's fantastic.
179
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,945
OK. See you there.
180
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:17,532
- That was Laura. From the gym.
- Oh, shit. I just peed myself.
181
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:21,077
Tap, tap, tap on the shoulder.
She wants to meet us at your place.
182
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:25,749
Ding, ding, ding. Round two.
No, I quit. No más. No más.
183
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,752
- Are you finished yet?
- Hold on.
184
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,837
It's just a novella.
185
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,048
Are you one of those people
who move their lips when they read?
186
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,924
Cos that can really slow you down.
187
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:39,554
- So...
- Are you really 16?
188
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:43,391
- I'm really 16.
- Who are your influences?
189
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,144
I don't know...
190
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:49,147
Chuck Palahniuk... Nick Cave...
191
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,191
Anything Hank Moody...
192
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:53,652
This is really good.
193
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:56,613
- Don't blow smoke up my snatch.
- I'm not.
194
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,740
You really think I've got something here?
195
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,992
- I really do, yeah.
- Cool.
196
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,120
Thanks for reading.
197
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,373
Where are you going?
198
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,500
You just confirmed for me
what I already knew.
199
00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:12,003
Why waste it on a tired old warhorse
who cancels meetings at the last second?
200
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,089
I can help you.
201
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:16,216
Give me a break. You're just an assistant.
202
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:18,134
For now, but not for long.
203
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:21,971
Would you rather be with someone
who's on their way up or on their way out?
204
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,771
Hey.
205
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:34,526
Oh, no. Look at this. This is awkward.
206
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,736
- For you, maybe.
- Well.
207
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,905
- What, no kiss?
- I'm through with that.
208
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,573
You want me,
you know where to find me.
209
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,910
You, on the other hand, little lady,
210
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,496
have been a very naughty little Smurf.
211
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,540
Bi-curious, are we?
212
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:51,793
Hey, he started it. Spanking his assistant.
213
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,586
So, what happened to your face?
214
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,923
Kicked in the ass by karma.
215
00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,719
- I'm not a lesbian, by the way.
- Says the girl with her finger in the dyke.
216
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:02,095
Ooh, nice.
217
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,598
- Witty. Clever.
- Thank you.
218
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,392
We're on a serious break here, Charlie.
219
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,602
You could do
whatever the fuck you want.
220
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,938
Get all the stank
on your hang-low you could get.
221
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,482
- Go for broke.
- Don't think I won't do it, either.
222
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,401
With this guy as my wingman, I can't fail.
223
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,986
Sure you can.
224
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:21,573
No, no, no. Do not underestimate
your inability to attract women.
225
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,284
Just keeping it real.
226
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:28,830
I don't know about you,
but I'm getting tired of these vagina haters.
227
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:31,624
I enjoy the vagina.
Almost as much as you.
228
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:34,043
Once upon a time,
we would've all gone in here together.
229
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,045
- That's right.
- All of us. To have a good time.
230
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:39,174
- Step aside, asswipes.
- What the fuck happened to us?
231
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,384
Good times.
232
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:42,927
OK, I have to ask.
233
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:45,638
Why does she punch him in
the face just as he's about to come?
234
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:48,600
You tell me.
235
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:51,519
I think maybe she wants to wake him up.
236
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,980
Or maybe she's trying
to make sure he remembers her.
237
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,065
Or maybe it's just really hot.
238
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:58,943
Whatever happened to just plain hot?
239
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:02,071
What do your parents make of this?
240
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:06,117
Well, my dad
doesn't pay much attention.
241
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:10,413
I mean, he means well, you know,
he just works... a lot.
242
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,666
And my mom... she's gone.
243
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:18,129
She got sick
a few years back and... died.
244
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,341
Let me help you with this.
245
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,594
- Why?
- Because I believe in your writing.
246
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:28,890
This thing is gonna be huge.
Can you imagine the headlines?
247
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:33,144
"16-Year-Old Girl Writes Smartest,
Sexiest Book Since Lolita".
248
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,688
It'll be made into a movie.
249
00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:38,358
Maybe Hank Moody
could write the screenplay?
250
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,151
Yeah.
251
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:42,529
I can't figure out
what happened to the poor guy.
252
00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:45,073
I mean, he was such a great writer.
253
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:55,333
Let me let you in on
a little secret, young lady...
254
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,253
You are much more talented
than you think you are.
255
00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:01,381
You want to be an actress?
I could have you working in no time.
256
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,467
- Really? So you'd take me on?
- In a heartbeat.
257
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:07,178
You're beautiful,
you're smart, you're funny,
258
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,180
and you can kick a man's ass no problem.
259
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,349
- Got that right.
- Oh, not in the face!
260
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,059
Oh... shit.
261
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,854
OK, that's it for me.
Good night and good luck.
262
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:19,607
Wait. Not so fast.
What about my goodnight kiss?
263
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,609
Good night.
264
00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,823
Be careful.
265
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,955
OK.
266
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:41,713
- Remember me now?
- I don't care what you think.
267
00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:44,173
I just don't think
the punishment fits the crime.
268
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:49,554
I'm sorry that I don't remember you,
and I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't call you back.
269
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:52,265
I just think that I had a very good reason.
270
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,893
But you can't remember it?
271
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:58,730
I'm gonna go to bed now. You have fun.
You two have fun.
272
00:14:58,772 --> 00:14:59,981
There you go.
273
00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,317
Now, I want you guys to be safe,
274
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:06,529
be responsible,
use redundant forms of birth control,
275
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,364
but mainly, just keep it down,
276
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:12,201
because I'm gonna be back there
trying to piss blood in peace.
277
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,829
Carry on, my wayward sons.
278
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:19,375
Do you know how hard it is to get a girl off?
279
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,419
It is like disconnecting a bomb.
280
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:24,422
I mean, there's all these
wires and shit down there.
281
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:27,216
Who knows which one
you're supposed to cross or pull?
282
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,844
Plus, the studies show
283
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:33,222
that the female orgasm
is, like, what, 99% mental?
284
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:36,392
- Who has time for that?
- OK, so that's good.
285
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:38,937
So you want to go back
to the four-minute grunt-fest?
286
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:40,647
Things like in, out, done.
287
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:44,067
Yeah. Give me a mouthful of cock any day.
288
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:48,696
- Right.
- Suck, gargle, spit... works like a charm.
289
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:51,407
I mean, call me old-fashioned, but...
290
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:56,329
So, you're done with the
lesbitarian experiment.
291
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,414
The grass is always greener, you know?
292
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:02,210
Isn't that how you ended up
engaged to be buried?
293
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:04,963
Hey, no Bill-bashing. You promised me.
294
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:08,007
- Stay on the subject.
- That is the subject.
295
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:12,053
Married people, bored out of their minds,
looking for some strange.
296
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:14,347
It never solves what was wrong
in the first place.
297
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,724
Oh, like you're such a fucking expert.
298
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:20,979
I'm gonna tell you one thing...
that lying, cheating little cocksucker
299
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:26,693
is not moving back into my house until
I see some real fucking remorse-itude, OK?
300
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,320
I want tears. I want jewellery.
301
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,656
Hank never bought me any jewellery.
302
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:34,826
Not then, no.
But he bought you that ring, didn't he?
303
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:38,329
- What ring?
- Oh, fuck.
304
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:42,125
I spoiled the fucking surprise, didn't I?
305
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,751
- What fucking surprise?
- Shit.
306
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,795
I'm getting married.
Why would Hank buy me a ring?
307
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,797
I don't know.
308
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,550
Charlie mentioned that
he was on some kind of roll,
309
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:52,510
and he got a bonus from the movie,
310
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,138
and then he went and blew it
on some antique ring.
311
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:58,599
Don't tell me that. What, for me? No.
312
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:01,894
Of course for you.
That's the kind of bling you like, right?
313
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:04,397
Dead people's jewellery?
314
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,108
Wait. What kind of ring
did Bill get you, again?
315
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,110
Oh, that's right... none.
316
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:11,696
It's on order, OK?
317
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:17,076
It's... it's very special.
It's a Canadian diamond. Yes.
318
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,121
Are they good with
the diamonds, the Canadians?
319
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,498
I thought just the bacon.
320
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,250
Hey.
321
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:27,211
- Hey.
- I need a favour.
322
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:30,381
- And I need some sleep. Go away.
- I'm getting close out here.
323
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,384
- Close to what?
- Sealing the deal.
324
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,470
With Lady Tyson?
325
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,472
Good luck with that.
Keep your hands up, though.
326
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:39,098
Here's the thing, OK?
327
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,309
She seems amenable
to the naughty, right?
328
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:43,936
But she seems even more amenable
if you're part of it.
329
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,230
I think she's got kind of
a thing for you or something.
330
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:47,732
No, I'm not going for that.
331
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:51,027
I've already given that girl
enough of my precious bodily fluids.
332
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,280
Hey, Hank, I think you need
to take one for the team here.
333
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:58,284
- What team would that be?
- The team of you and me, buddy, all right?
334
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,661
My wife is out there trolling for snatch, OK?
335
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,331
Meanwhile, I've stumbled
onto some high-class,
336
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:05,666
once-in-a-lifetime fantasy shit here.
337
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:09,045
I don't know if you're aware, but this kind
of thing doesn't happen for me every day.
338
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:11,214
No, I am aware, and I feel your pain.
339
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,174
But there's no way I'm gonna take a chance
340
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:16,052
of crossing swords with you
over some poor girl's vaganus.
341
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,304
All right. That's cool. I get it.
342
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,473
I'll go out there,
I'll give it my best shot, right?
343
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:23,351
If it doesn't happen, another time, right?
344
00:18:23,393 --> 00:18:27,563
If not then, there's always call girls,
interactive porn, plastic vaginas.
345
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:31,526
- Thanks, buddy. I feel much better now.
- Fuck it, Charlie. OK.
346
00:18:31,568 --> 00:18:34,070
OK. I'll do it.
347
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,115
First, we got to set some guidelines.
348
00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:39,826
Excellent idea! Excellent.
What? What are you thinking?
349
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:44,288
OK, first, I don't want to see
your cock anywhere near me.
350
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,000
Why would I want my cock
anywhere near you?
351
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:50,461
Why would you want
to be involved in a threesome with me?
352
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,548
- I don't. My client does.
- This client doesn't.
353
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,801
That client, the new client.
Do you want to do this?
354
00:18:56,844 --> 00:19:01,097
No. But I will. For you.
Anything for you, my love.
355
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:05,226
Go agent the deal.
I'm gonna freshen up here.
356
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:09,438
- I need to...
- Go make it so. Make it so.
357
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:17,071
All right. I'm good. Bring it on.
358
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,995
Well, I should get going.
I have to get up for work in the morning.
359
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:26,747
Think about what I said...
I'd love to work with you on this.
360
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,585
- Well...
- Yes?
361
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:34,922
Here you go.
362
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,676
Make shit happen.
363
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,220
Oh, I will.
364
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:45,516
Let's do it.
365
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:54,567
- OK, where to, bitch?
- Totally up to you, slunt.
366
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:59,780
- God, I miss you.
- I fuckin' miss you!
367
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:01,616
- I miss you.
- I love you.
368
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,579
I miss... I miss all of us.
369
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:09,874
Me and you and Hank and Charlie.
370
00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:13,544
That first year you guys were
out here... that was magic.
371
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,797
The drinking, the dinners,
372
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,383
the movies, the smoking, the X.
373
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:24,055
That time we almost did swap
but Charlie got hives.
374
00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:28,100
- Oh, good times.
- Yeah.
375
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:32,438
You know, morsel,
it can be like that again.
376
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,567
No offence, sweetie, but I don't want
to do that kind of stuff with Bill.
377
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,028
- Why not?
- I don't know.
378
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:42,114
He just kind of makes my labia shrivel.
379
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,325
Thank you for that nice image.
380
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:49,413
I'm sorry. I just... I miss my fucking life.
381
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:53,125
I know it's incredibly
anti-feminist of me to admit it,
382
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,627
but...
383
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:58,130
I miss that sexy little bulldog.
384
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:03,970
I fucked up, he fucked up...
385
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:07,139
I just... I want to go back
to the way things were.
386
00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:15,064
Marsupial...
387
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,275
Karenina...
388
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:21,696
Did he really buy me a ring?
389
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:24,198
Yeah.
390
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:27,118
This comes as a shock to you?
391
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:31,330
Look, I know Hank can be
a douchebag on wheels sometimes,
392
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,916
but he loves the shit out of you.
393
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:37,712
His sun rises and sets on you, baby.
394
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,680
Dear? Dear?
395
00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:53,227
- Could I get a sip of that?
- Working hard, huh?
396
00:21:57,816 --> 00:22:00,443
Wouldn't want to get
any germs on you, huh?
397
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,528
You're hardly working.
398
00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:19,170
OK. OK.
399
00:22:19,212 --> 00:22:22,465
You know what?
Come on up. Come on up.
400
00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:24,091
Come here.
401
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:27,011
Listen, I think if it hasn't happened yet,
402
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:29,180
I don't think it's gonna happen.
403
00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:31,349
And, I apologise, but I just think I'd be
404
00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:34,810
shooting puffs of smoke
right now, anyway, so...
405
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:38,814
maybe... maybe that's it.
406
00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:40,149
No más.
407
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:43,152
OK, Charlie, you've got work to do.
408
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:46,322
What the client wants, the client gets.
409
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:48,324
Not this client.
410
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:07,843
- Maybe they're still out.
- The music's on, the cars are here.
411
00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:09,929
They just don't hear us.
412
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:27,071
Ooh, yeah!
413
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:30,241
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
414
00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:35,788
Holy shit. Charlie...
415
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:40,501
Charlie!
416
00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:47,299
- It's all clear.
- OK.
417
00:23:50,470 --> 00:23:52,638
Charlie. Charlie.
418
00:23:52,681 --> 00:23:55,975
- Charlie, shit! Heads up!
- Oh, God. Yes! Yes!
419
00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:59,228
Charlie, I just remembered
why I didn't call her back.
420
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:04,358
- Charlie. Charlie.
- Keep going, keep going.
421
00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:05,776
Dude, she's gonna blow.
422
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:11,407
Ah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
423
00:24:12,784 --> 00:24:14,368
Oh, God.
424
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:35,222
Baby, come on. Hey, hey, hey.
We were taking a break.
425
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:38,058
I was just getting some stank
on my hang-low, like you said.
426
00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:40,352
Hey. Hey, don't go away mad.
427
00:24:40,395 --> 00:24:44,148
I'm not mad.
You're just absolutely fucking disgusting.
428
00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:46,358
I admit it wasn't the most
pleasant scene to walk in on,
429
00:24:46,401 --> 00:24:49,320
- but nobody asked you to walk in on it.
- You know what? You're right.
430
00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:51,572
And that's why I'm getting
the fuck out of here.
431
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:53,324
You don't owe me an apology.
432
00:24:53,366 --> 00:24:54,700
Karen, you can't have it both ways.
433
00:24:54,743 --> 00:24:56,785
You can't tell me to fuck off
and forget about you
434
00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:59,330
and then wander back
into my life whenever you feel like it.
435
00:24:59,372 --> 00:25:03,125
Believe me, I will not
make the same mistake again.
436
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:04,210
- OK.
- OK.
437
00:25:04,252 --> 00:25:05,294
Well, why did you come?
438
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:08,339
Because you bought me a ring,
you fucking asshole.
439
00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:10,132
- I did.
- Yes.
440
00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:13,677
I mean, you went into a store,
and you looked around,
441
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,096
and then you... you picked out a ring,
and then...
442
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:17,431
and then you bought it for me.
443
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:19,225
I did.
444
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:23,103
But you never bought me a ring. Ever.
445
00:25:23,146 --> 00:25:25,481
Where is it? Why didn't you give it to me?
446
00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:28,609
You told me you were gonna marry Bill
and I should respect that.
447
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:30,319
- Right. Yes.
- Yeah.
448
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:32,780
That never stopped you before.
449
00:25:32,822 --> 00:25:34,907
Would you have wanted me
to give it to you?
450
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:36,742
I mean, would that
have made a difference?
451
00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:41,580
Are you questioning things?
Are you having doubts?
452
00:25:41,623 --> 00:25:43,332
I question everything.
453
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,750
- It's very healthy.
- It is very healthy.
454
00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:46,877
But if you are questioning
things and having doubts,
455
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,296
maybe you shouldn't just,
you know, rush into the wedding.
456
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,131
Maybe you should postpone
the fucking wedding.
457
00:25:51,174 --> 00:25:54,802
- What's the rush?
- I can't do that.
458
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:58,973
Look, I never said that you had to choose
between me and William the Conqueror.
459
00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,517
I just think you can't
run off and marry a guy
460
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,520
after making sweet love to yours truly.
461
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:07,481
It just wouldn't be chaste, young lady.
462
00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:09,567
Says the guy who's, like, hosting orgies
463
00:26:09,609 --> 00:26:12,069
and standing in the middle
of the street in a skirt.
464
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:14,405
It was hardly an orgy.
I wasn't even that into it.
465
00:26:14,447 --> 00:26:16,073
I just did it to get Charlie laid.
466
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,701
I forgot... you're such a humanitarian, right?
467
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:21,078
Look, I did buy you a ring,
and I would show it to you,
468
00:26:21,121 --> 00:26:23,622
but I gave it to this homeless
woman after you blew me off.
469
00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:24,873
- It's a true story.
- Please!
470
00:26:24,916 --> 00:26:26,542
It was a very nice ring. It was beautiful.
471
00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:28,669
It was elegant and understated,
much like yourself.
472
00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:30,296
I would have liked nothing better
473
00:26:30,338 --> 00:26:32,631
than to get down on bended knee
and slip it on your finger.
474
00:26:32,674 --> 00:26:36,010
- Stop it.
- But buying it was a mistake.
475
00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:38,429
Because it's not about the ring.
It was never about the ring.
476
00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:41,890
It's not about marriage. It's not
about the wedding, it's not about me,
477
00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:43,434
it's not about Bill, it's not about Becca...
478
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:46,353
It's about you, Karen.
479
00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:54,361
Bye, Hank.
480
00:26:56,615 --> 00:26:59,408
Good night, champ. Come again.
481
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,953
So to speak. You know...
482
00:27:02,996 --> 00:27:07,374
- Good night.
- Good night... Karen.
483
00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:16,383
Yo. Runkulus Maximus.
484
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:22,139
Look at you.
485
00:27:22,182 --> 00:27:24,266
Isn't it good to be free?
486
00:27:27,103 --> 00:27:29,355
No women weighing us down?
487
00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:33,901
36929
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