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1
00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:02,130
♪ Crash and Bern! ♪
2
00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:04,840
-[both straining and grunting]
-I don't want to take a bath!
3
00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:07,631
It's not Friday!
What about our deal?
4
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,011
I get to store up six days of stink.
5
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:13,850
We also had a deal that you wouldn't roll
around on the floor of the movie theater.
6
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,850
It's called foraging, Mrs. B.
7
00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:17,682
-[audience laughs]
-[straining]
8
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,847
Ooh, I want a lollipop.
9
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,560
-Oh! [grunts]
-Jasmine, don't eat that!
10
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,650
Ew, it tastes like Crash.
11
00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:27,025
Gimme that.
12
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:28,704
-Actually, that looked like fun.
-What?
13
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:30,990
-[screams]
-Now into the bath.
14
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:33,031
[grunts, shouts]
15
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:35,366
Whoa oh! [grunting]
16
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:40,332
[panting] No. No!
17
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,875
Please don't let me go
into your hot bottomless witch's cauldron.
18
00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:45,089
-[moaning]
-Tickle him!
19
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,545
No-no-no. [laughs, screams]
20
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,680
[screaming] It burns!
21
00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:52,217
-It burns! It burn--
-[Jasmine giggles]
22
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:57,098
Actually, it's quite nice. [humming]
23
00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,852
♪♪ [music]
24
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:02,942
♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪
25
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,483
♪ Yo! I'ma let you finish but ♪
26
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:06,725
-♪ Ding-dong ♪
-♪ Who's that? ♪
27
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,186
♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪
28
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:10,696
♪ Don't wait for you to openKick it down hard core ♪
29
00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:13,159
♪ A purple with a 'tudeWhere your mom hide the food? ♪
30
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,699
-♪ In the fridge ♪
-♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude
31
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,164
♪ No makeup or feelingsTea parties or dolls ♪
32
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:19,454
♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪
33
00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:20,707
-♪ And face slams ♪
-♪ Good call ♪
34
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:21,919
-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪-♪ Stein ♪
35
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:23,168
-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪-♪ Stein ♪
36
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,879
♪ Crash and Bern ♪-♪ Stein! ♪
37
00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,879
-♪ What he said, Crash and Bern ♪-♪ Stein ♪
38
00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,381
-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪♪ Stein! ♪
39
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:29,843
♪ Crash and Bern ♪♪ STEIN! ♪
40
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:30,763
♪ What he said ♪
41
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,510
♪ It's war against awesomeBut awesome's gotta soar ♪
42
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,603
-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪
-♪ That's what friends are for ♪
43
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,179
-♪ Crash and Bern ♪-♪ Stein ♪
44
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:38,263
-♪ Crash and Bern ♪-♪ Stein! ♪
45
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:40,058
-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪
-♪ I said "Stein" ♪
46
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,431
♪ What he said ♪
47
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:42,848
[glass shatters]
48
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,226
[chuckles]
49
00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:47,359
♪♪ [music]
50
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,480
♪ Clean-a him, scrub-a himMake-a him shine ♪
51
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:50,737
♪ Wash-a foot, smell-a like ♪
52
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:51,950
[sniffs]
53
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,858
♪ Sweet Clementine ♪
54
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,317
[vocalizing]
55
00:01:58,284 --> 00:01:59,584
[audience laughs]
56
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,084
[sighs]
57
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:06,127
Hey, Wyatt, any chance we could
trade Crash in for something quieter,
58
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,459
like a drum set or...
59
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,376
I don't know, a box of chihuahuas?
60
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:13,839
[grunts] I gotta admit, Mrs. B.,
61
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,843
I did not want to take that bath,
62
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:19,717
but your loofah did wonders
for my crusty spots.
63
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:21,638
You're gonna want a new loofah.
64
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:24,393
[audience laughs]
65
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,057
It's just great to have some "me" time.
66
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,983
I could use some "me" time, too.
67
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:31,283
You know, between baseball,
skateboarding, the Arcade,
68
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:32,824
I get pretty stressed.
69
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:34,855
I've got a better idea.
70
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:38,316
How about I book you some
"helping others time"?
71
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,537
No, mom, not the clothing drive.
72
00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:43,076
No more sorting.
73
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,463
There's only so much B.O. a guy can take,
74
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,042
and I am pro B.O.
75
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,540
[audience laughs]
76
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:51,462
I was thinking of something else
for you two.
77
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,336
This new family moved in downstairs,
78
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:55,513
and they have a boy about your age.
79
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:56,842
-[sighs]
-He's coming over later.
80
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,966
Oh, no,
what's wrong with this one?
81
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:02,350
The last kid mom set me up with
wore a cape to school.
82
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:03,812
That could be cool.
83
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:06,440
Are we talking superhero cape
or Dracula cape?
84
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:08,189
Worse, magician.
85
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,107
-Yikes.
-[audience laughs]
86
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,648
Who used all the bubble bath?
87
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,651
Oh, that'd be me.
88
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,316
It was delicious.
89
00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:19,196
Fruity but fresh, with a hint of soap.
90
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,034
[belches]
91
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,163
[audience laughs]
92
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,540
-[laughs]
-Very funny, Crash.
93
00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:29,382
Okay, before our guest arrives,
let's get it all out of your system.
94
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,089
All of it? Okay.
95
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,962
-[grunts]
-[plops]
96
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,218
-[sighs]
-[audience laughs]
97
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,180
[all] Eww!
98
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:41,433
-Don't worry, I got this.
-[all screaming]
99
00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,933
-Yeah!
-[audience laughs]
100
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:45,350
All clear.
101
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,809
♪♪ [music]
102
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,647
Hey, don't forget my pits, huh?
103
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,270
-Yeah.
-[audience laughs]
104
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:55,859
Hey, guys.
105
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,033
Just seeing if you're ready
for your bro-hang.
106
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:02,202
I thought today couldn't get any worse,
107
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,325
-and then you said "bro-hang."
-Yeah.
108
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,911
I don't know what you guys
are calling it these days.
109
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,210
-Dude date?
-[grunting]
110
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:11,840
-Boy party?
-Oh!
111
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:13,798
Ooh, I know. Guy-jinx.
112
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,417
[both groaning]
113
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:18,379
All right, well, look,
just be nice to this kid.
114
00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:20,586
Otherwise, you'll spend your
weekend at the clothing drive
115
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,297
on underwear duty.
116
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:26,597
Oh, how can she take two words
as magical as underwear and "doody"
117
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:27,933
and make them sound bad?
118
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,148
-[audience laughs]
-I'm serious, okay?
119
00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:31,518
I know what it's like to try to fit in.
120
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:32,943
The first day at my new school,
121
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:35,324
I couldn't even get anybody
to talk to me.
122
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:36,991
[dreamy notes]
123
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,070
Hi, I'm Mel.
124
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,240
Do you know where room 106 is?
125
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,663
Pssh! Your loss!
126
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,865
-[audience laughs]
-[laughing]
127
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:49,156
[laughing] What are we laughing about?
128
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,209
[audience laughs]
129
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:55,548
Hey, sad little geeky girl.
130
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:59,134
Hate to say this,
but they're laughing at you.
131
00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:02,394
Crash,
you weren't at my junior high.
132
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:05,352
I know.
Your story was a snooze fest.
133
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,885
This is way better.
I'm hunting aliens.
134
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,063
[grunts] They sometimes pose
as gym teachers.
135
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,976
-[grunts, growls]
-[audience laughs]
136
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:18,107
I'm trying to teach you
and Wyatt a lesson.
137
00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:19,573
It's hard to be the new kid.
138
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,993
Okay, we get it.
139
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:25,202
Now let's go waste some aliens.
Ooh, gym teacher!
140
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,122
[beeping]
141
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,214
♪♪ [music]
142
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,592
-[doorbell rings three times]
-Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell.
143
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,169
[audience laughs]
144
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,128
-[Crash grunts]
-[Wyatt strains]
145
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,836
He actually looks normal.
146
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,929
[loudly] Hey, I'm Gerry.
147
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,017
Oh, this place smells like snails.
148
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,274
[audience laughs]
149
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,436
Not the line I would
have opened with,
150
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:56,612
-but hi, I'm Wyatt.
-[audience laughs]
151
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,020
Ooh, peanut butter.
152
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,647
I don't do crunchy.
153
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,992
-This is Crash.
-Hi.
154
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,069
[chuckles] What kind of name is Crash?
155
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:08,124
What do you want to be?
A traffic reporter?
156
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,451
No. Well, maybe.
157
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,578
-Actually, it's my dream.
-[audience laughs]
158
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:15,996
DVDs, huh?
159
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:19,455
Obsolete and bad for the earth.
160
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:22,054
I keep my movies in the cloud.
161
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,175
So? I keep my underwear in the shrubs.
162
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,053
[audience laughs]
163
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,466
Was that a joke?
164
00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:29,005
'Cause I don't do jokes.
165
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,680
[audience laughs]
166
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,148
-[whispers] I don't like him.
-[audience laughs]
167
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,021
Neither do I.
But don't worry, he'll be gone soon.
168
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,187
Oh, good. Yeah. [grunts]
169
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,607
♪♪ [music]
170
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,446
Oh, man, you gotta love it
171
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,739
when a day-hang turns into a night-hang.
172
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,583
[babbling]
173
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,999
Whoa, your family is big.
174
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,619
How do you all fit in this tiny apartment?
175
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,500
Cramped quarters, compadre.
176
00:06:57,625 --> 00:06:59,085
No wonder the place smells.
177
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,587
[audience laughs]
178
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,300
You're right, Gerry.
This apartment is a little crowded.
179
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,593
One of us should leave.
180
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,715
Oh, me! Pick me! Me!
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
181
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,143
Wait...
182
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,681
I didn't tell you that I used
to live in Barthelona.
183
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,018
You probably pronounce it Barcelona,
184
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,483
-but you're wrong.
-[audience laughs]
185
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:18,862
You told us, Gerry.
186
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,020
You also told us
all your old phone numbers
187
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,067
And how you like to kiss
your dog on the lips.
188
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,151
-[groans]
-Yeah,
189
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:26,609
I still wanna hear
the dog's side of the story.
190
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,947
Well... I'm gonna have to get going.
191
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,075
-Oh.
-[gasps] Ah.
192
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,826
[sighs] In a couple hours.
193
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,746
♪♪ [music]
194
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:39,709
♪♪ [music]
195
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:45,795
Ugh, that is so disgusting.
196
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:48,091
-Then stop catching them in your mouth.
-Oh.
197
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,508
Yes! Seven out of ten! [laughs]
198
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:55,766
Why is he here again?
And how did he manage to get weirder?
199
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:56,730
[audience laughs]
200
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,651
Hey, you guys Have "World of Duty."
201
00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,805
I am so Dominant at this.
202
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,572
-[Gerry chuckles]
-[Crash grunts]
203
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,990
Whoa, this seating arrangement is whack.
204
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,988
You can totally see my controller.
205
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,083
I can't have you posers
cribbing my glitches.
206
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,581
-[audience laughs]
-[video game music playing]
207
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,161
♪ Looking for combat ♪
208
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,326
♪ Playing some combat ♪
209
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:20,785
♪ Taking 'em down,Taking 'em down, taking 'em down! ♪
210
00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:22,416
What are you guys doing? Go back!
211
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,304
Dude, it's just the opening theme song.
212
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,009
I have to sing the song or it's bad luck.
213
00:08:26,548 --> 00:08:30,048
Uh... I don't think our luck
could get much worse...
214
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,971
unless you have a twin.
215
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:35,183
[audience laughs]
216
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,555
Let's just start.
Our team is Delta Force.
217
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,732
-Our mission is to neutralize--
-[gunfire]
218
00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,055
Gerry, you just took me out.
219
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,267
We're on the same side.
220
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:47,242
Duh! There are no sides in war.
221
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,742
What? Of course there are.
222
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,611
-War's all about sides.
-[gunfire]
223
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,658
Hey, now you took me out.
224
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:56,448
Wow, you guys stink at this.
225
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:59,461
-[audience laughs]
-[cellphone rings]
226
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:02,794
It's my mommers. Gotta take this.
227
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,246
Yeah, it's a little loud in here.
228
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:06,837
So you might want to go into the hallway.
229
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,133
Quack, quack, seat back.
230
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,839
[audience laughs]
231
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:13,969
♪♪ [music]
232
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,769
-[beeps]
-Hello, you've reached the Bernsteins.
233
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,102
We've enrolled
in the witness protection program
234
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,975
so please don't try to reach us.
235
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,232
[audience laughs]
236
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,518
We've also exchanged faces
with other people,
237
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,437
so don't bother approaching us
in the elevator,
238
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,025
-because it won't be us.
-[beeps]
239
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,910
-[both yell]
-Shh. I'm hiding.
240
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:36,032
What is wrong with you two?
241
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:39,331
-Go on, go outside.
-No, mom. Gerry could be out there.
242
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,576
[sighs] Would you two knock it off?
243
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,674
He's gotta have some good qualities.
244
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:46,132
-I mean, is he funny?
-[Wyatt denies] Hm-mmm.
245
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,553
-Smart?
-No.
246
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,589
Well,
surely he has great something.
247
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:52,304
How's his hair?
248
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,601
-Exceptional.
-Like molded caramel.
249
00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,469
[audience laughs]
250
00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,682
Look, when I was the new kid,
it took me a while to find a friend,
251
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,767
but eventually, someone gave me a chance.
252
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:05,812
[dreamy notes]
253
00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:08,267
So Tommy passes me a note in math class
254
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,648
and asks me to pass it to Theresa.
255
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,032
That means he likes me, right?
256
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,527
Honey...
257
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,945
have you ever thought about
finding friends your own age?
258
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,495
[audience laughs]
259
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:24,749
But they don't understand me like you do.
260
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,495
You're the one who complained
about my pizza squares.
261
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,045
[audience laughs]
262
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,470
If you could just make them triangular
263
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,629
like regular slices.
264
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:38,564
Look... I know middle school
can be ruthless.
265
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,928
You can get a bad reputation
266
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,925
for just being seen
with the wrong person.
267
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,351
What I'm trying to say here is...
268
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:47,982
I really can't be seen with you.
269
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,074
[audience laughs]
270
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:54,147
Mrs. B., you are killing me
with these stories!
271
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,612
Please, give a brother a car chase,
272
00:10:56,698 --> 00:11:00,118
a talking penguin,
even a peppy song and dance.
273
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,454
Crash, this is my memory,
274
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,577
not some kind of High School Musical.
275
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:07,173
Now you're talking. Hit it!
276
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,540
♪♪ [jazzy music playing]
277
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,213
♪ Homework
Don't wanna do it ♪
278
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:17,970
♪ Meatloaf
Don't wanna serve it ♪
279
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,140
♪ Homework ♪
280
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,273
♪ Meatloaf ♪
281
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,771
♪ Meatloaf ♪
282
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,021
♪ Homework! ♪
283
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,364
Big finish, sister. Yeah!
284
00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,605
♪ HairnetDon't wanna wear it ♪
285
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,910
♪ Toilet paperDon't wanna use it ♪
286
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,988
-[record scratches]
-[all] Ewwww!
287
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,411
What?
I thought we were sharing.
288
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,618
[audience laughs]
289
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,633
-[dreamy notes]
-[doorbell rings three times]
290
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,672
Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell.
291
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,304
That's Gerry!
292
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:53,837
No, Mrs. B.
293
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,877
[screaming] Nooooo!
294
00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:57,801
[audience laughs]
295
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,311
Oh, hi.
296
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,182
-I'm Gerry's mom, Gretchen.
-[Mel chuckles]
297
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:08,018
Sanitizer. Can't be too careful.
298
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,524
One never knows
where one's hands have been.
299
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:15,855
Oh! So sweet.
You shouldn't have.
300
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:17,654
The flowers are yours.
301
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,857
The vase is $12.
302
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:20,869
[audience laughs]
303
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,032
Oh, that's funny.
304
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,004
I don't do jokes.
I like to keep it real.
305
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:28,415
[audience laughs]
306
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:33,125
Tell you what, keep the vase. It's a gift.
307
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,501
-Oh.
-You're so good
308
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,877
to take the afternoon shift with Gerry.
309
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,627
Pay her the $12!
310
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,295
[audience laughs]
311
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:41,965
Who made this?
312
00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:45,643
[gasps] My daughter Jasmine,
in kindergarten.
313
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:47,847
Well,
I throw clay professionally
314
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:52,154
so I have a good eye for spotting
when a young artist has "it."
315
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,767
She doesn't have "it."
316
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,900
Wow, there's actually
someone worse than Gerry...
317
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,026
Gerry's mom.
318
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:00,782
Oh, light bulb.
319
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,236
You should come down to my studio,
320
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,294
and I'll show you
what good pottery looks like.
321
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,619
Wow, ooh, that's so tempting,
322
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:12,084
but, darn it, I have the thing.
323
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,957
Hey, mom, guess what.
Your thing just called.
324
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,210
It's been canceled.
325
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,474
-Fantastic!
-Hey!
326
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,180
Yeah, just think of it as a girl-hang.
327
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,434
A lady-date.
328
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:25,060
A feminine fiesta.
329
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:29,934
All right!
But I can only stay a minute, so--
330
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:32,231
Oh, stay as long as you want, mom.
331
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,312
You've earned it.
332
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,653
I'm super intuitive.
333
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:39,319
I know you're gonna be like
the sister I never had.
334
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,066
-[sighs]
-Well, I do have one,
335
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,574
but she won't return my calls.
336
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,199
[audience laughs]
337
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,282
[mouths]
338
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,833
-Yeah!
-♪♪ [music]
339
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:52,292
[both] Rock, paper, scissors, go!
340
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,245
Darn it!
341
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:55,248
Rock, paper, scissors, go!
342
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,090
[grunts] No fair!
343
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,590
You win every time.
344
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,922
Let me give you a hint.
I can only do rock.
345
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,255
-[cackling]
-[Crash laughing]
346
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,013
Was it horrible?
347
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,725
Every piece of pottery had a name
and a story.
348
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:15,274
This one was canoeing
on Lake Pontchartrain
349
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:18,525
as the summer fades
and we turn savage war at home.
350
00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:20,279
[audience laughs]
351
00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:22,742
At least it was a short story.
352
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:25,241
-That was the name.
-[audience laughs]
353
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,783
Wyatt, I am so sorry
I forced Gerry on you.
354
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,737
[doorbell rings three times]
355
00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,578
[screams]
356
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:34,173
-[muffled scream]
-[thuds]
357
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,424
[gasps] It's both of them.
358
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,588
Okay, everybody...
359
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,844
just keep your mouth shut
and try not to breathe.
360
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:46,889
What are we gonna do, mom?
We can't hide back here forever.
361
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,680
If you wanna be a hero, Bernstein,
then go ahead,
362
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:51,314
but don't blow our cover.
363
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,021
[doorbell rings three times]
364
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,731
[Crash whimpers]
Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell.
365
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,728
♪ Kick it down on Crash and Bern... ♪
366
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:06,155
-[Mel gasps]
-Are you okay?
367
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,779
You haven't returned any of my texts.
368
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,451
[audience laughs]
369
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,745
They're still on the patio, aren't they?
370
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,915
[sighs] This is ridiculous.
We can't even leave our own apartment.
371
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:20,003
Where's Crash?
I sent him out for food two hours ago.
372
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:23,468
-[Crash shouting and groaning]
-Crash!
373
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:25,876
That was supposed to be open.
374
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:29,854
Crash, where have you been?
I gave you a simple grocery list.
375
00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:31,641
And I improved on it. Look.
376
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:33,677
Gardening clogs,
377
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,772
a bag of marbles, and a bookcase
from the Swedish furniture store.
378
00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:40,395
[grunts] It's called the "gluurg."
379
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:43,112
-[audience laughs]
-[cellphone beeps]
380
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,533
[gasps] Ooh. It's Gretchen.
381
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,781
She's wants us to come over
to her pottery studio later
382
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,985
-for a "clay date."
-[scoffs] Right, like that'll ever happen.
383
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:54,329
-I'm telling her we're coming over.
-What?
384
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:57,206
Look, we can't live like this.
385
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,922
They'll never leave us alone
unless we put a stop to it.
386
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:02,711
We're doomed! Our lives are finished!
387
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,259
Finished, I tell you!
388
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,844
Do you think she'll have olives?
389
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:08,128
Crash, we're not going over there to eat.
390
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,641
We're going over there
to stand up for ourselves.
391
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,432
-I can eat standing up.
-[sighs]
392
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:13,724
Look, guys...
393
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,393
there's something else I learned
when I was in school.
394
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,521
We believe you, mom.
Please don't relive it.
395
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:20,267
It was three weeks into the sixth grade...
396
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:21,477
Here we go.
397
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,476
[dreamy notes]
398
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,694
Mind if I--
399
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,202
If I could just--
400
00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,116
All right, listen up!
401
00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:40,126
I've been at this school for three weeks
402
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,208
and most of you still don't know me.
403
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,920
But that's your loss,
because I'm pretty terrific.
404
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,007
Man, it's tough at this school.
405
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:51,592
Even the lunch lady
didn't wanna hang out with me.
406
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,388
[all laughing]
407
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:57,227
Oh, you like jokes?
This school's rough.
408
00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,478
In P.E.,
when we play dodge ball,
409
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:01,561
they give me a shirt with a target on it.
410
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,566
[all laughing]
411
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,568
Even art class is dangerous.
412
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,860
Yesterday, I drew blood.
413
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,404
[all laughing]
414
00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:12,032
[screams] Boring!
415
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,115
Come on, Crash, I was killing.
416
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,660
Can't I tell one story
without you interrupting?
417
00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:19,245
Then how would you know
when to stop talking?
418
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,576
My point is I confronted the problem
419
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,497
and from that point on,
people treated me with respect.
420
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:28,167
[mocks] People treated me
with respect. [gasps]
421
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,930
-I'll meet you at the car.
-Okay.
422
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,430
[Crash grunts]
423
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,311
-Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!
-[cat screeches]
424
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,889
[sighs] Let's go
break up with some weirdos.
425
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:42,061
-[audience laughs]
-♪♪ [music]
426
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:48,993
Welcome!
This is where the magic happens.
427
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,946
I know.
You said that to me yesterday.
428
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:55,241
-[audience laughs]
-[chime jingling]
429
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,621
Yo, muchacho.
That's not a toy.
430
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,209
It's okay.
He's a certified wind chime tuner.
431
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,753
-[grunts] Whoa!
-[chime breaks]
432
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,842
-This one's bad.
-[audience laughs]
433
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,625
Sorry. You probably never want
to see us again.
434
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,176
Nonsense, we're family.
435
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,386
Gerry makes the wind chimes.
436
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,011
[whispers] He doesn't have "it," either.
437
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:23,308
-[audience laughs]
-Um... Gretch... en,
438
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:26,355
sometimes things just don't
work out between people.
439
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:29,440
-It's nobody's fault.
-I know what you're getting at.
440
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:31,646
Wyatt and Gerry aren't a perfect match.
441
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:33,856
Right. I like crunchy.
He likes smooth.
442
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:36,617
This relationship was doomed
from the start. Let's go, mom.
443
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:40,200
But Gerry's such a good role model
for your odd little son.
444
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,080
-Excuse me?
-So close.
445
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:47,876
We can talk about it
tomorrow at breakfast.
446
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,548
Even better,
let's all take a trip together.
447
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:54,550
I have an online coupon
for a charming sweat lodge.
448
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,014
It has a taxidermy camp...
449
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:58,385
but not for beginners.
450
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,311
[whispers] Mom, this isn't working.
451
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,350
[whispering] What do you want me to do?
452
00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:03,306
It's like they speak
a different language.
453
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:06,727
Yes, the language of annoying.
454
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,573
Fortunately, I speak it fluently.
455
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:11,607
-May I?
-[audience laughs]
456
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,324
Gerry, Mrs. Gerry...
457
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,575
Relationships are like a beautiful
piece of pottery.
458
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,198
They need to be crafted and worked at.
459
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:23,196
They take time and patience,
460
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,168
and only when you pour your heart
and soul into them,
461
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:30,339
do they become true works of art.
462
00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:32,964
And just like pottery,
463
00:19:33,048 --> 00:19:35,468
relationships can be extremely fragile.
464
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:38,014
-[strains]
-Crash, no!
465
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,934
-[audience laughs]
-[straining and grunting]
466
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:41,261
[Mel screams]
467
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:43,393
[laughing]
468
00:19:43,475 --> 00:19:45,385
Yes! [laughing]
469
00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:47,307
What is wrong with you people?
470
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,107
-Get out!
-[Mel moans]
471
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:51,150
We never wanna see any of you again!
472
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:52,649
Yes!
473
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:55,904
-I told you I spoke their language.
-[audience laughs]
474
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,567
We'll pay for the damages.
475
00:19:58,448 --> 00:19:59,698
Face slam!
476
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,543
-[Crash grunts]
-[shrieks]
477
00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,448
♪♪ [music]
478
00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:05,748
[laughing]
479
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,000
That was epic!
480
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,920
Mom, you have to admit,
Crash kind of saved our butts back there.
481
00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:15,512
Good thing, otherwise our butts would be
sharing a discount sweat lodge with Gerry.
482
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,090
[audience laughs]
483
00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,085
All right, I guess in this one case,
484
00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:23,217
Crash kind of,
sort of helped us out... a little bit.
485
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:24,845
[audience laughs]
486
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,354
Mrs. B.,
487
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:29,601
you really love me.
488
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:32,978
This is nice.
I'm very intuitive.
489
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,646
You're gonna be like the sister
I never had.
490
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,445
Face slam! [grunting]
491
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,448
I don't think so.
492
00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:43,621
-♪♪ [music]
493
00:20:43,702 --> 00:20:45,252
-[video game music playing]
-[singing along]
494
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:47,908
♪ Looking for combatPlaying some combat ♪
495
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:51,127
♪ Taking 'em downTaking 'em down, taking 'em down! ♪
496
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:53,249
Whoo! [laughs]
497
00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:55,796
[doorbell rings three times]
498
00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:59,131
No, that's not possible. [chuckles]
499
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:00,966
Maybe I'm hearing things.
500
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,349
Too much combat can do that to a man.
501
00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,595
I feel like I'm starting to lose it.
502
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:07,734
One of the first signs
is talking to yourself.
503
00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:10,983
-Oh, you're fine.
-Really?
504
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,154
Sure, I would tell you.
505
00:21:13,732 --> 00:21:15,572
Okay, I trust you.
506
00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:17,780
[doorbell rings three times]
507
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,861
[whimpers] No! No-no-no!
[laughing maniacally]
508
00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:24,825
-Sucker.
-[audience laughs]
509
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:27,575
[singing along] ♪ Looking for combatPlaying some combat ♪
510
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:29,662
♪ Taking 'em downTaking 'em down ♪
511
00:21:29,748 --> 00:21:31,878
[high-pitched]
♪ Taking 'em down! ♪
512
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:37,383
♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪
513
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:38,884
♪ Bass, bass ♪
514
00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:45,184
♪ What? ♪
515
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:48,807
♪ That's what friends are for ♪
516
00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:51,562
♪ Crash and BernTear it up, dude ♪
517
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:53,902
♪ Good call ♪
518
00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:55,980
♪ Crash and Bern,Crash and Bern ♪
519
00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:57,186
♪ I said Stein ♪
520
00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:58,645
♪ What he said ♪
38251
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