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♪ Sing, sing a song
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♪ Sing a song of songs
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♪ Sing it out
5
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,673
♪ Sing it strong
6
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,445
♪ Yeah
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00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,582
♪ Honey, yeah
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00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,723
♪ Call the sun
in the dead of the night
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♪ And the sun's gonna rise
in the sky ♪
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Neil Diamond,
Hot August Night, 1972.
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That concert rocked. And rolled.
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I know, 'cause I was there.
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That's me.
14
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,550
My water broke.
15
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Ever since then I've had this
cosmic connection with Neil.
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00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,556
But this story isn't about Neil.
17
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:32,293
It's about me and my two pals,
Darren and J.D.
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Best friends since fifth grade.
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That's J.D.
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He's lactose intolerant.
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And he's not very bright.
22
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,209
That's Darren Silverman.
23
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,043
He's the romantic.
24
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,847
But when it comes to women,
he's incredibly gullible.
25
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,190
That's me, Wayne.
26
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,625
I'm loyal to my friends.
27
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,527
If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat you up.
28
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:07,728
Me, too!
29
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,899
Don't!
30
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,574
After that,
I started working out.
31
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,743
We stayed best friends
throughout high school.
32
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:26,347
Yep, I was
the third-string quarterback.
33
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,683
J.D. became the school mascot.
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00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,420
♪ Hey, what you say?
35
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,755
♪ I don't remember
that I hear you
36
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:38,526
♪ Yeah, yeah, you, yeah,
you, yeah, you, yeah, you ♪
37
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,329
And Darren joined
the cheerleading squad.
38
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,368
That's Sandy.
39
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:50,304
Yeah, Darren's always
had a thing for her.
40
00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:52,573
When you're up against
the Warbird,
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00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,344
you're upside down!
42
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,479
That's Coach Norton.
43
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,715
He was a big influence in our
lives. He taught us many things.
44
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:04,385
Two things you got
to remember, boys.
45
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:08,289
Number one,
stay away from women.
46
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:11,325
All they want from you
is your man juice.
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00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:16,930
Now, if you get any urges that
you can't suppress with hard liquor,
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00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,098
use this.
49
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:20,934
And number two?
50
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,937
Sportsmanship! Sportsmanship!
51
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,307
Sportsmanship!
52
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:31,245
Healy! You fairy wimp fruit bag!
53
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,846
You suck!
54
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,218
Lefessier! Get out there!
55
00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:41,355
I just gotta get my helmet.
56
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:44,224
Hey, guys! Guys... Guys, I'm in!
57
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,462
He's in! Wayne!
58
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,030
Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!
59
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,638
Hike!
60
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,482
But now we're all grown up.
61
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:21,094
J.D. is rapidly working his
way up the ladder at Subway.
62
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:27,601
Recently, he was promoted to temporary second
assistant manager in charge of training.
63
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,337
Okay McNugent,
let's see what you got.
64
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:30,971
Sir.
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00:04:30,998 --> 00:04:32,958
I've been working with
these guys for eight weeks.
66
00:04:32,983 --> 00:04:35,676
I'm proud to present to you the
future of Subway sandwiches.
67
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:37,244
Belston.
68
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,647
Three sizes of bevi are
small, medium and what?
69
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,416
Big?
70
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,452
Come on, like we practiced.
You can do this.
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00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,354
I...
72
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,222
I...
73
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:50,991
I...
74
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,092
I...
75
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,293
Long!
76
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,663
Okay, we'll come back to you.
77
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,666
Sir,
this guy's my stinkiest student by far.
78
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,401
Trimble, let's see you sub.
79
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,072
No. No. Meat on the
inside. Bread on the outside.
80
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,708
Okay, take it away.
81
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:08,909
Take it away. Take it away.
82
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,411
Take it away!
83
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,680
Don't judge me
on those two guys.
84
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,748
This next guy is my protégé.
85
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,016
He's top of his class,
86
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,885
and for his thesis,
he made a party sub.
87
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:20,954
Heston, where's the party sub?
88
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:37,104
Darren is the social director
at a retirement home.
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00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,606
"D-17."
90
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,673
Bingo.
91
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,443
Bingo.
92
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:46,647
Abe, pull your pants up
or no more Matlock.
93
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,686
Good mornin'.
94
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,388
And I started my own business.
95
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,659
Okay, what are
we dealin' with here?
96
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,194
I don't know what it is,
but it sounds big.
97
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,732
Stay back. I'm goin' in.
98
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,739
Careful, sonny.
99
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:20,414
Hey, so you're causin'
all this trouble?
100
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,616
Come here. Hey there.
101
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,051
Hello.
102
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:27,320
You poor little thing, yeah.
103
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,023
Here's your ferocious beast.
104
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,427
Who is your mommy?
105
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,146
Is it dead?
106
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:57,417
No, but she is
in one deep coon coma.
107
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:12,432
Don't! Don't! Stop it!
108
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,369
But we all have
one mystical thing in common,
109
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,971
our love for Neil.
110
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,407
That's our band,
Diamonds in the Rough.
111
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,712
♪ Cherry, baby,
she got the way to groove me
112
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:34,187
♪ No, we won't tell a soul
where we gone to ♪
113
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:39,326
♪ Girl, we do
whatever we want to
114
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:44,998
♪ I love the way that you do me
115
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,103
♪ Cherry, babe,
you really get to me
116
00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,407
♪ She got the way
to move me, Cherry
117
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,844
♪ She got the way to groove me
118
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,946
♪ She got the way to move me
119
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:02,049
♪ Cherry,
baby ♪ She got the way to groove me ♪
120
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,697
Hi.
Hi.
121
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,331
Hey I'm Darren.
122
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,100
Sophie.
123
00:08:20,128 --> 00:08:22,448
I was wondering,
maybe do you want to grab a drink with me?
124
00:08:22,473 --> 00:08:24,538
I'm sorry, I'm involved.
125
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,007
With a real entertainer.
126
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,686
I can't believe I got
blown off again.
127
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,588
I'm never gonna find
the right girl.
128
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:43,056
Dude, you don't want a
chick who would fuck a mime.
129
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,760
Dude, what does a mime look
like when he's having sex anyway?
130
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:51,131
It's probably like, "I'm a mime."
131
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,666
"I'm a mime."
132
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,602
Hey. Mimes don't talk.
133
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,840
They do when they're off duty.
134
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,645
It's not her.
It's... It's all women.
135
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:08,649
I'm really afraid that there's
nobody out there for me.
136
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:12,753
The only girl I ever loved
walked out of my life years ago.
137
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:14,988
Sandy Perkus.
138
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,757
Remember her?
139
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,926
Her family was with the circus.
140
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,694
Her dad was the strong man.
141
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,830
Her mom was the bearded lady.
142
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,732
And her brother was
the dogfaced boy.
143
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,467
Bye, Darren!
144
00:09:27,494 --> 00:09:30,054
Before I could muster the courage
to ask her out, she moved away.
145
00:09:30,079 --> 00:09:31,438
Remember?
146
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,540
You know, guys, I truly believe
147
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:37,645
that there is a one-and-only
someone for everyone.
148
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,180
And Sandy.
149
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,414
Sandy Perkus...
150
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,585
Was my one and only.
151
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,255
Man, that is really romantic.
152
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,925
Oh, my God!
Look at that juicy piece of ass.
153
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,997
What do you think of her?
154
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,666
Who?
Right there.
155
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:01,201
In the red?
156
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,671
Yeah, she's gorgeous.
Go talk to her.
157
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,873
No. Okay, I'll do it for you.
158
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,474
What? Hey, wait!
159
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,677
Wayne!
160
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,111
Hi! I'm Wayne.
161
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,512
No!
162
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,115
No, you don't understand.
I'm not hittin' on ya.
163
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,717
Back off.
164
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,820
I just want to tell you about my buddy,
Darren.
165
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:22,555
He's smart. He's sensitive.
I don't care.
166
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,142
I think he'd make a wonderful husband.
I don't want to meet him.
167
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,334
Great!
168
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,333
Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute.
Really?
169
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,837
Yeah, she's like, "I'm so excited
to meet him," and everything.
170
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,939
Are you sure?
171
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,408
Totally.
Get down there and make your move.
172
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,376
I don't know.
173
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,878
Come on! You can do it!
174
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,213
Carpe poon!
175
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,614
Really?
176
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,249
Okay.
177
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,384
Okay, I'll do it.
178
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:52,452
All right!
179
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,454
Yes!
180
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,289
Yes.
181
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,293
Hi!
182
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,063
I'm Darren.
183
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,199
Darren. My...
184
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:09,202
My friend said
you wanted to meet me.
185
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,503
He lied.
186
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:13,106
That's that's a good one.
187
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,243
No, seriously,
I don't want to meet you.
188
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:26,686
Well my friend
must have been mistaken.
189
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,390
I'm really sorry to bother you.
190
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,265
Let me guess.
191
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:41,969
That jerk tried to get in your
pants with some tacky pickup line.
192
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,304
I'm not like that. I use magic.
193
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,140
Beat it, baldy.
194
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,977
Okay, good stuff.
Tough crowd. I like that.
195
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:54,247
I have here
two ordinary metal rings.
196
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,083
You, me.
197
00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,388
Hello. Hello.
I "ruv" you.
198
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,557
Sorry. I forgot my beer.
199
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:08,395
This is my boyfriend, Darren,
so hit the bricks, porky.
200
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,998
Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.
201
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,065
Satan.
202
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,306
I'm really sorry about
hitting on you before, I...
203
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,308
You should be.
I am. I am.
204
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:25,245
I just...
I wasn't thinking, and...
205
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,815
You're so beautiful, and I...
206
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,985
I'm sorry.
207
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,454
So make up for it.
Buy me a drink.
208
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,825
Yeah, okay.
I'll have a scotch.
209
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,692
Excuse me.
Can you give the lady a scotch,
210
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,228
and I'll have another beer.
211
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,414
He'll have a gin and tonic.
Make that a gin and tonic.
212
00:12:43,439 --> 00:12:44,807
You got it.
213
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,271
Can you believe he hooked
up with the queen of all hotties?
214
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,074
Hey, they're just
havin' a drink together.
215
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:56,910
It's not like they're goin'
steady or anything.
216
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,145
Right.
217
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,283
It's midnight.
Know what that means?
218
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,252
No. What?
219
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,087
It's our six-week anniversary.
220
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:10,657
Did you get me anything?
221
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,859
No.
222
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,928
That's okay. That's
okay. No big deal.
223
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,564
But... I...
224
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,834
Got you a little something.
225
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,238
Thanks.
That's really nice.
226
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,280
You know,
I, I... I've been thinking.
227
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,248
We've been...
228
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,951
Well, we've been together
for a while now,
229
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,088
and it seems like
maybe it's time
230
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,325
we get a little...
A little more intimate.
231
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,862
Are you saying
you want to have sex?
232
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,999
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
233
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,102
I don't believe in
premarital sex.
234
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,204
I'd rather not cheapen
what we have together.
235
00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:00,807
Of course. Of course
not. Me neither.
236
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:03,043
So I think it's best to wait.
I think you're right.
237
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,578
I think...
I mean, you're...
238
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,380
It's best. Yeah.
239
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:10,884
But that doesn't mean
that we can't
240
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,221
pleasure each other
in other ways.
241
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,962
I got ya!
242
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,030
I got ya!
243
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,265
Yeah, but... What?
244
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,876
That was really great.
245
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,179
Thanks.
246
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,415
So...
247
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,783
That got me pretty excited.
248
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,320
That's nice.
249
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,157
I mean, I... I wouldn't
mind if...
250
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,359
Someone did that to me.
251
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,594
I get it.
You want me to go down on you.
252
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,697
Yeah.
253
00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,000
Oh, God, I would
love to but I can't.
254
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,002
I have very, very sensitive...
255
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,136
Gums.
256
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,140
It's... You have gums?
It's...
257
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,875
It's a medical condition?
258
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,710
No, I wouldn't want to
259
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,479
cause you any pain, baby, no.
260
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,482
You're so sweet.
261
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,422
You know, there are
other ways to...
262
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,191
Give me pleasure
without using your mouth.
263
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,695
Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate.
I'm sorry.
264
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:32,032
No, that's...
That's fine. That's fine.
265
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,338
Have fun.
266
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,278
Watch your head.
This place is a dump.
267
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,515
I really don't want to do this.
268
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,184
No. No, come on.
It's gonna be great.
269
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:54,721
It's our Sunday ritual,
and I want you to be part of it.
270
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,356
I want you to get
to know these guys.
271
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,925
You're gonna love 'em, honey.
You're gonna love 'em.
272
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,330
Yeah! Buddy!
What's up, dude?
273
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,564
What's up, J.D.?
274
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,200
Judy, awesome to meet you.
275
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,369
Judith.
276
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,737
Judith.
277
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,605
And a beer bong for the lady?
278
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:13,773
No.
279
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,643
Totally cool.
No peer pressure.
280
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,551
Judith rules!
281
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,719
Sorry. Come on in.
282
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,488
Dude, Darren.
Check it out, chewy.
283
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,490
Yo.
284
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,225
You want a drink?
Hey, man.
285
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,326
Scotch on the rocks.
286
00:16:33,353 --> 00:16:34,713
No problem,
you want ice with that?
287
00:16:34,738 --> 00:16:37,264
I'll help him.
I'll help you with that.
288
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,967
Hey, Judith, can I give you the grand tour?
Sure.
289
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:44,137
Let's start right here
in the Hall O' Neil.
290
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:48,308
This is Neil, '74.
Check this out.
291
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:52,412
This is a set list from
the millennium concert. Look.
292
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,515
Signed by Neil.
Got that on eBay.
293
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,384
Looks like a Xerox.
294
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:00,287
No. This cost a lot of money.
295
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,622
Check this out.
I think you got taken.
296
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,258
Ready? This shirt...
297
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,959
Was worn by Neil...
298
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,363
In concert.
299
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,799
Check it out.
We snuck backstage,
300
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,536
and totally stole it from him
while he was takin' a whiz.
301
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:19,572
Well, in my profession,
we call your obsession with Neil Diamond
302
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,242
a delusional projection fantasy.
303
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,776
Yeah, sure,
304
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,247
but he's America's greatest songwriter,
and he's our hero.
305
00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:30,049
And he's playin' the forum in two weeks.
Yeah.
306
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:32,519
Of course,
we can't go 'cause of the whole, you know,
307
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,821
restraining order thing.
308
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,931
Neil, I love you!
309
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,666
Come here! You again!
310
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,003
Neil! Neil! Neil!
311
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,905
Neil, hey!
Where ya goin'?
312
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:57,444
I wanna party with you!
I wanna party with you!
313
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,978
Right. Game's on. Game's on!
314
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,518
What?
I want to leave.
315
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,086
Sweetheart, we just got here.
316
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,189
These guys are pigs.
317
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,591
Come on.
No, they're... they're not that...
318
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,661
Hey. Hey!
What are you doin'?
319
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:18,965
Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together,
that's one nacho.
320
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,768
Okay, look,
why don't we just stay for a little bit?
321
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,404
Just a little while?
322
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,773
Take mine.
Take mine. Take mine.
323
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,741
Give her the old sweep-a-roo.
324
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:32,179
Yep, old Ethel.
We've been through a lot of games together.
325
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:33,246
Enjoy.
326
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:35,782
Let me help you with her.
327
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,817
She's got multiple
reclining positions.
328
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,284
That's okay.
I can just sit forward.
329
00:18:39,309 --> 00:18:40,989
Nah, that's all right.
It's a little stuck.
330
00:18:41,056 --> 00:18:42,835
No, no, it's fine.
Takes a little muscle.
331
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:44,791
Come on,
you fuckin' piece of shit.
332
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:47,126
I don't need... I prefer...
I got it. It's no trouble.
333
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:53,233
I'm sorry.
That hardly ever happens.
334
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,735
You know what?
I think it's... Yep.
335
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,104
It's the lug nut.
Fixed it.
336
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,706
Please, have a seat.
337
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:00,873
I'll stand.
338
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,109
I'm a...
339
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:06,613
Sorry.
340
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,548
Get me something.
Yeah.
341
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,622
So Darren tells me
you're a psychologist?
342
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,890
That's right.
343
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,627
It's interesting.
I'm in a related field.
344
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:21,928
Really? What's that?
345
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,963
Pest and rodent removal.
346
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,932
How is that related?
347
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,901
We both help people.
348
00:19:28,928 --> 00:19:31,648
While you help them deal with
their emotional and intellectual needs,
349
00:19:31,673 --> 00:19:35,542
I protect them from gophers,
coons, roaches, silverfish...
350
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,144
He launched it.
All right, touchdown!
351
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:53,793
I don't want you to see Wayne
or J.D. ever again, Darren.
352
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,795
What? But they're
my best friends.
353
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,966
You're getting new friends,
and you're quitting that bullshit band.
354
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,569
I know you're upset.
I... I do,
355
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,004
but I'm not dropping
Wayne and J.D.,
356
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:07,474
and I'm not quitting the band.
357
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,742
Okay, fine, no more sex.
358
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,378
What?
359
00:20:11,404 --> 00:20:13,364
You're not allowed to go
down on me for one month.
360
00:20:13,389 --> 00:20:14,481
No, Judith, please...
361
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,717
Don't make me take away
your masturbation privileges.
362
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,658
♪ My baby is loving me,
yes, yes, she does
363
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,361
♪ She tells me
all the time Cherry
364
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,263
♪ All the time
365
00:20:30,290 --> 00:20:32,130
♪ She says she's going
to be showing me tonight
366
00:20:32,155 --> 00:20:34,767
♪ Oh, Cherry, what are you
going to show me?
367
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,235
♪ Oh, baby
368
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:39,972
♪ You got the way to be moving me,
oh, Cherry, baby ♪
369
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,574
You go, boys.
You sing this song.
370
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:42,875
You know it.
Come on, boys.
371
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,111
Come on! Sing it!
Sing it!
372
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,779
This blows, man!
373
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,650
Judith's out of control.
We gotta do somethin'.
374
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:53,653
Dude, besides ruining the band,
what else has she done?
375
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,857
What? Ever since she moved in with him,
she's controlled his life.
376
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:01,794
She didn't like how his ass looked.
Made him get butt cheek implants.
377
00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:09,135
I thought his ass
looked tighter.
378
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,538
Check this out. Last night,
379
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,840
torched his Neil Diamond albums.
380
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:15,975
She torched Neil?
381
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,116
You're right.
The woman's a monster.
382
00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:25,618
Two, three, four.
383
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:46,138
Hey!
Yes!
384
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:47,907
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
385
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,542
It's all right.
386
00:21:49,609 --> 00:21:52,089
I only have a minute.
I have to get back and wax Judith's legs.
387
00:21:52,114 --> 00:21:53,780
We miss you.
We never see you anymore.
388
00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:56,148
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, I am,
389
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,618
but I've just been so happy
spending time with Judith.
390
00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:02,321
You know? Plus,
with my relationship counseling sessions...
391
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:04,290
Counseling?
Yeah, yeah.
392
00:22:04,357 --> 00:22:06,258
I go two hours,
three times a week.
393
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,094
Who's your counselor?
394
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,496
Judith.
395
00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:11,964
Look. We don't think
she's right for you.
396
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:13,566
Break up with her.
397
00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:16,403
She's ruining our lives
and yours.
398
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,705
And this graph should
illustrate our point. Look.
399
00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:23,342
Before Judith,
our fun level was at an all-time high, 93.
400
00:22:23,410 --> 00:22:25,277
It is now an eight.
401
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,414
Band numbers have
plunged dramatically as well.
402
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,116
Girls, never very high, at nine,
403
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,552
but look now. Two.
404
00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:34,854
This has obviously led
to increased whacking off.
405
00:22:34,921 --> 00:22:36,188
I'm chafing.
406
00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:39,659
Shit. I have to get home
and heat the wax.
407
00:22:39,726 --> 00:22:43,362
Guys, listen.
Thanks for your concern.
408
00:22:43,430 --> 00:22:45,632
Really. And I miss you, too.
409
00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:48,300
But it was great seein' ya,
all right?
410
00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:57,544
That guy's in serious trouble.
Yeah.
411
00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:59,378
We need to save him.
412
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:03,382
Sorry to bother ya.
413
00:23:03,450 --> 00:23:05,317
What are you doing here?
414
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,287
Well, first,
we want to apologize for the beer shower.
415
00:23:08,354 --> 00:23:10,322
And the salsa bath.
That was bad.
416
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:11,591
Get the hell out of here.
417
00:23:11,658 --> 00:23:13,793
Wait. Just give us a minute,
okay?
418
00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:15,828
My rate is $200 an hour.
419
00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,397
Do you have any money?
420
00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:20,366
I got some of that.
421
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,671
Just give me the big bills.
422
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:27,306
Six. Is that all you have?
423
00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:29,008
37, 38.
424
00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:34,814
Two and a half minutes.
425
00:23:34,881 --> 00:23:38,250
Okay, look,
we don't want you seeing Darren anymore.
426
00:23:38,317 --> 00:23:39,717
We don't think
you're right for him.
427
00:23:39,742 --> 00:23:40,853
The band needs him.
428
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,955
But we're prepared
to buy you off.
429
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:44,824
With what?
430
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:48,728
My house.
Okay? Look.
431
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,631
My grandma here?
432
00:23:51,698 --> 00:23:55,001
She was born in this house,
is buried in the backyard.
433
00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:58,671
There's my mom.
There's my dad, and there's me.
434
00:23:59,706 --> 00:24:02,208
My dad was droppin' me
on my head.
435
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:05,444
But we're willing
436
00:24:05,512 --> 00:24:07,446
to sign this over to you,
437
00:24:07,514 --> 00:24:10,149
if you just agree
not to see Darren.
438
00:24:10,216 --> 00:24:12,885
I don't want your shitty old
house or your dead grandmother.
439
00:24:13,653 --> 00:24:15,054
I'll throw J.D. in.
440
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,557
He doesn't look like much,
but he's hung like a horse.
441
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:19,592
It's true.
442
00:24:19,659 --> 00:24:22,962
Look, Darren's mine.
There's nothing you can do about it.
443
00:24:23,029 --> 00:24:24,997
I own him.
He does whatever I say.
444
00:24:25,064 --> 00:24:26,833
I'm in complete control of him.
445
00:24:26,899 --> 00:24:29,869
He's my puppet,
and I'm his puppet master.
446
00:24:29,936 --> 00:24:31,804
You're not takin'
Darren away from us!
447
00:24:31,871 --> 00:24:33,339
Just try to stop me.
448
00:24:35,374 --> 00:24:37,476
One round. Winner takes Darren.
449
00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:38,778
You're on.
Kick her ass.
450
00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:39,846
Go.
451
00:24:40,847 --> 00:24:42,715
You've got quite a grip.
452
00:24:42,782 --> 00:24:44,383
You must be a heavy masturbator.
453
00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:47,186
My guess is...
Three times a day?
454
00:24:47,253 --> 00:24:49,321
I bet you're also
a premature ejaculator.
455
00:24:49,388 --> 00:24:51,057
Start off with a big bang.
456
00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:52,959
Before you know it, you're limp.
457
00:24:54,293 --> 00:24:55,862
Hey!
I win. You lose. Now get out.
458
00:24:56,696 --> 00:24:57,764
God!
459
00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:58,898
God!
460
00:25:07,574 --> 00:25:09,175
Hey, check it out.
461
00:25:11,611 --> 00:25:13,880
Hey, baby.
462
00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:16,115
Hello, ladies.
463
00:25:17,550 --> 00:25:19,218
So how much?
464
00:25:19,285 --> 00:25:22,822
50 bucks for you
and 200 for your friend.
465
00:25:24,991 --> 00:25:26,793
Okay.
All right.
466
00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:29,059
I want you to be laughin'
like he just said somethin'...
467
00:25:31,664 --> 00:25:32,765
Perfect!
468
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,602
Get this one! Be like this!
469
00:25:35,668 --> 00:25:37,036
Like this! Like this!
470
00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:38,504
Douche! Douche!
471
00:25:38,571 --> 00:25:39,939
Yeah you... Slap his ass!
472
00:25:43,342 --> 00:25:44,543
That's not sexy.
473
00:25:49,248 --> 00:25:50,282
Yeah! Awesome!
474
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:55,554
Dude, watch it!
475
00:25:58,591 --> 00:26:00,092
You're movin my guy.
476
00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,067
Look it. Look it.
477
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:14,741
Good.
478
00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:19,245
Dude. Check this out.
479
00:26:20,747 --> 00:26:21,981
- Hurry up. Let's go.
- Okay.
480
00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:24,083
Okay, mailed.
Check. Let's go.
481
00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:26,085
Don't look back!
482
00:26:26,753 --> 00:26:27,854
Hurry up! Come on!
483
00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:30,790
Hey, Judith.
How's it goin'?
484
00:26:30,857 --> 00:26:33,492
Not so good.
Look at these.
485
00:26:37,463 --> 00:26:39,331
Oh, my God.
486
00:26:40,767 --> 00:26:43,636
He's sick.
He's perverted.
487
00:26:43,703 --> 00:26:44,937
And he's cheatin' on you.
488
00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:46,639
With two chicks.
489
00:26:46,706 --> 00:26:49,075
I don't know.
I guess I'd dump him?
490
00:26:49,141 --> 00:26:50,242
Totally.
491
00:26:50,309 --> 00:26:51,778
Right?
Yeah!
492
00:26:51,844 --> 00:26:55,581
Do you guys think there's anything
weird about these photos, though?
493
00:26:55,648 --> 00:26:58,217
No.
No, that's Darren, all right.
494
00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:00,653
Hey!
495
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,855
Darren doesn't have a tattoo.
496
00:27:05,591 --> 00:27:06,959
Nice try, idiots.
497
00:27:07,026 --> 00:27:09,829
If I ever see either one
of you near Darren again,
498
00:27:09,896 --> 00:27:11,163
I'll kill you.
499
00:27:20,773 --> 00:27:21,874
Hey, hey.
500
00:27:21,941 --> 00:27:23,109
Hey!
Hey.
501
00:27:23,175 --> 00:27:24,643
Thanks for meeting me here.
502
00:27:24,711 --> 00:27:27,513
I have something really
important to tell you guys.
503
00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:29,682
Man, you broke up.
504
00:27:29,749 --> 00:27:34,020
No, no, no, no.
Out of the blue,
505
00:27:34,086 --> 00:27:36,555
Judith proposed to me.
We're engaged.
506
00:27:36,622 --> 00:27:38,624
What?
Dude, congratulations.
507
00:27:40,459 --> 00:27:43,996
Yeah, yeah, starting next week,
I'll be known as Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.
508
00:27:44,063 --> 00:27:46,632
Right, 'cause you're gonna
take her last name?
509
00:27:46,699 --> 00:27:48,467
Yeah.
510
00:27:48,534 --> 00:27:52,571
Judith feels, and I think she's
got a really good point here,
511
00:27:52,638 --> 00:27:55,742
that it's sexist for the woman
to take the man's last name.
512
00:27:55,808 --> 00:27:58,377
Yeah, and anyway, it's too late
513
00:27:58,444 --> 00:28:01,347
to make any changes because we've
already ordered the monogrammed towels.
514
00:28:01,413 --> 00:28:02,749
Right.
Yeah.
515
00:28:02,815 --> 00:28:04,350
Darren.
516
00:28:04,416 --> 00:28:07,453
Sandy? Sandy Perkus.
517
00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:09,521
Oh, my God. Darren!
Hey!
518
00:28:09,588 --> 00:28:12,358
It's been so long.
Yes, it has.
519
00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,794
Hey, it's Wayne.
520
00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:17,463
High school, remember?
You remember?
521
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,298
♪ You can dance if you want to
522
00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:21,467
♪ You can leave
your friends behind
523
00:28:21,493 --> 00:28:23,973
♪ Because if your friends don't
dance and if they don't dance ♪
524
00:28:23,998 --> 00:28:27,539
Oh, right,
the senior talent show.
525
00:28:27,606 --> 00:28:30,810
Yeah, you were booed
off the stage.
526
00:28:31,744 --> 00:28:32,912
That was me.
527
00:28:32,979 --> 00:28:36,382
Yep, Sandy, remember me,
J.D. McNugent?
528
00:28:36,448 --> 00:28:41,553
I was the guy who went to the prom
with the tuxedo painted on my naked body.
529
00:28:41,620 --> 00:28:44,056
I... I guess I missed it.
530
00:28:44,123 --> 00:28:48,828
I spilled a drink, and the paint ran,
and everyone could see my dong.
531
00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:51,430
It doesn't ring a bell.
532
00:28:51,497 --> 00:28:54,867
Remember that time
in science class,
533
00:28:54,934 --> 00:28:58,604
I was lighting farts with a Bunsen burner,
and I singed my ball sack?
534
00:28:59,138 --> 00:29:01,740
No.
535
00:29:01,808 --> 00:29:05,011
Man. I still can't
grow hair on my left nut.
536
00:29:05,812 --> 00:29:07,079
It sucks.
537
00:29:08,781 --> 00:29:10,249
So how are ya?
538
00:29:10,316 --> 00:29:13,685
Great. Great.
I... I just moved back to town.
539
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,587
That's great.
540
00:29:15,654 --> 00:29:18,757
Sandy!
Oh, gosh, I have to go, but...
541
00:29:18,825 --> 00:29:20,426
It was... It was great
seeing you.
542
00:29:20,492 --> 00:29:22,561
Yeah, same here.
Me, too.
543
00:29:24,163 --> 00:29:25,431
Bye.
Bye.
544
00:29:25,497 --> 00:29:27,699
Take care.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
545
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:30,602
Awesome.
Yeah, bye! Bye.
546
00:29:33,005 --> 00:29:35,574
Oh, my God!
This is it!
547
00:29:35,641 --> 00:29:37,576
What?
548
00:29:37,643 --> 00:29:41,147
It's your big chance.
Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life.
549
00:29:41,213 --> 00:29:44,250
You even said so yourself.
She was your one-and-only someone!
550
00:29:44,316 --> 00:29:45,651
She used to be.
551
00:29:45,717 --> 00:29:48,054
Now Judith is
my one-and-only someone.
552
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,823
Okay, I'll... I'll talk
to you guys later, okay?
553
00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:54,626
Isn't one-and-only like one...
554
00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:57,296
And only?
555
00:30:04,871 --> 00:30:07,439
Here's your drink.
Where's the lemon wedge?
556
00:30:07,506 --> 00:30:10,309
Sorry. We were out of lemons,
but I could run to the store.
557
00:30:10,376 --> 00:30:13,745
Forget it.
I want you to meet two exciting people.
558
00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:16,748
Brett is a tax attorney,
and Clayton's a CPA.
559
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:19,751
That... That is...
That is exciting.
560
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,587
This is my fiancé, Darren.
561
00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:22,893
Pleased to meet you. Same here.
562
00:30:22,955 --> 00:30:24,790
Congratulations.
Thank you.
563
00:30:24,857 --> 00:30:27,326
Excuse me.
I'll get that.
564
00:30:31,130 --> 00:30:32,198
Hi.
565
00:30:32,264 --> 00:30:34,400
Hi. Is Darren here?
566
00:30:34,466 --> 00:30:36,936
I think he left
his Vespa helmet.
567
00:30:37,003 --> 00:30:38,337
What's goin' on?
568
00:30:38,404 --> 00:30:40,006
We're having
our engagement party.
569
00:30:40,072 --> 00:30:45,377
Then I guess our invitations
must have been lost in the mail.
570
00:30:45,444 --> 00:30:48,647
No, I think it's very
possible, Wayne,
571
00:30:48,714 --> 00:30:50,983
that she didn't even
send us invitations.
572
00:30:52,818 --> 00:30:54,020
Thanks for stopping by.
573
00:30:54,086 --> 00:30:55,754
Who's Darren talkin' to?
574
00:30:55,821 --> 00:30:57,289
Those are his new friends.
575
00:30:59,791 --> 00:31:01,193
Hey, guys.
576
00:31:01,260 --> 00:31:03,695
Good. I'll have a merlot.
I'll have a spritzer.
577
00:31:03,762 --> 00:31:05,597
We don't work here.
578
00:31:05,664 --> 00:31:08,700
Fooled me.
Okay, my name is Brett, and this is Clayton.
579
00:31:08,767 --> 00:31:09,868
And this is Darren.
580
00:31:09,936 --> 00:31:12,804
Yeah, we know
who he is, Clayton.
581
00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,174
Darren's our friend, Brett.
582
00:31:15,241 --> 00:31:18,544
We knew him first.
Fuck you, replacement friend!
583
00:31:18,610 --> 00:31:20,312
Eat this, fake Wayne!
584
00:31:33,792 --> 00:31:34,793
Get out of here!
585
00:31:35,761 --> 00:31:37,163
Get out!
586
00:31:42,068 --> 00:31:43,569
Hey! This isn't over yet!
587
00:31:43,635 --> 00:31:46,705
We're not givin' up on Darren!
Yeah!
588
00:31:46,772 --> 00:31:48,807
Come on! Yeah!
589
00:31:53,712 --> 00:31:56,015
She thinks this game is over.
590
00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:58,117
It's not over! No!
591
00:31:58,184 --> 00:32:00,419
We are taking
this into overtime!
592
00:32:00,486 --> 00:32:02,388
Come on! Yeah!
593
00:32:02,454 --> 00:32:04,856
Yeah! Okay, strategy session.
594
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:06,758
Okay, our enemy is wicked.
595
00:32:06,825 --> 00:32:08,260
Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
596
00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:10,329
Damien.
Dude, she's Vader.
597
00:32:10,396 --> 00:32:12,231
No! She's the Emperor!
598
00:32:12,298 --> 00:32:13,966
Yeah, but with
really great tits.
599
00:32:14,033 --> 00:32:16,635
Okay, now, Sandy,
that girl, she's a nice girl.
600
00:32:16,702 --> 00:32:17,736
Oh, yeah.
601
00:32:17,803 --> 00:32:19,538
She's a sweetheart.
Dude, a saint.
602
00:32:19,605 --> 00:32:21,140
She's a goddess.
A princess.
603
00:32:21,207 --> 00:32:23,909
Know what,
she's kind of like Mother Teresa.
604
00:32:23,976 --> 00:32:25,944
Yeah, but with way better tits.
605
00:32:26,012 --> 00:32:30,316
And Darren loves Sandy, no matter what he says.
Definitely.
606
00:32:30,382 --> 00:32:32,418
That is why we have to intervene...
Yep.
607
00:32:32,484 --> 00:32:34,353
And fix the problem!
Definitely!
608
00:32:34,420 --> 00:32:36,522
All right! Yeah!
609
00:32:36,588 --> 00:32:39,491
We're gonna kidnap Judith
and set Darren up with Sandy.
610
00:32:39,558 --> 00:32:41,127
Yeah!
611
00:32:42,995 --> 00:32:44,096
What?
612
00:32:49,768 --> 00:32:52,438
The bat is leaving the cave.
613
00:32:53,205 --> 00:32:55,107
Roger that.
614
00:33:04,716 --> 00:33:05,817
Gaw...
615
00:33:11,757 --> 00:33:15,394
Alarm system has been
deactivated. Out.
616
00:33:15,461 --> 00:33:18,297
Roger that.
617
00:33:18,364 --> 00:33:19,731
Dude, you don't
have to do the...
618
00:33:19,798 --> 00:33:20,832
Sound.
619
00:33:20,899 --> 00:33:22,901
It already does that. Out.
620
00:33:22,968 --> 00:33:25,471
- Copy that.
- I'm not gonna make the
621
00:33:25,537 --> 00:33:27,539
sound after I say stuff
from now on.
622
00:33:29,441 --> 00:33:31,810
J.D. McNugent, over and out.
623
00:33:33,212 --> 00:33:34,913
That was the last one.
624
00:33:45,957 --> 00:33:47,859
I'm scared.
What if we get caught?
625
00:33:47,926 --> 00:33:49,095
Not gonna happen.
626
00:33:55,134 --> 00:33:57,336
I'm hungry.
627
00:33:57,403 --> 00:33:58,870
We'll eat later.
628
00:33:58,937 --> 00:34:00,772
Could we go to Happy Burger?
629
00:34:00,839 --> 00:34:02,908
Yes, after the kidnapping.
630
00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:05,711
I'm gonna get
a Chubby Checker with...
631
00:34:07,179 --> 00:34:08,580
With cheese.
632
00:34:25,531 --> 00:34:26,632
What?
633
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,143
You go downstairs.
I'll check upstairs.
634
00:34:37,209 --> 00:34:39,411
Do the Navy SEALs signals.
Come on.
635
00:34:39,478 --> 00:34:42,614
I only know
the Air Force signals.
636
00:34:42,681 --> 00:34:45,584
I'm gonna be on lookout. God.
637
00:34:54,260 --> 00:34:56,195
I haven't located her yet.
638
00:34:56,262 --> 00:34:57,596
Me neither.
639
00:34:57,663 --> 00:34:59,298
Keep checking.
640
00:34:59,365 --> 00:35:03,269
Wait a second, I think I see
something in the back of the refrig...
641
00:35:04,303 --> 00:35:06,338
In the back of the closet.
642
00:35:06,405 --> 00:35:08,073
Check it out.
643
00:35:08,140 --> 00:35:10,476
Nope. Coast is clear.
644
00:35:10,542 --> 00:35:12,511
I'm gonna keep lookin'
down here, buddy.
645
00:35:12,578 --> 00:35:14,613
You keep an eye peeled up there.
646
00:35:30,762 --> 00:35:33,332
Oh, shit!
647
00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:36,535
What is it?
648
00:35:36,602 --> 00:35:38,804
I'm hit.
I need backup.
649
00:35:39,905 --> 00:35:41,240
I'm comin'.
650
00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:45,511
What happened?
651
00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:14,306
Help!
652
00:36:29,921 --> 00:36:31,790
Dead... Leg.
653
00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:36,194
Help me, Wayne!
654
00:36:43,235 --> 00:36:44,436
Oh, my God!
655
00:36:58,149 --> 00:37:00,786
Get the door.
Get the door.
656
00:37:23,909 --> 00:37:25,110
Judith?
657
00:37:28,347 --> 00:37:29,415
Judith?
658
00:37:31,917 --> 00:37:34,786
- "Darren, I'm leaving you."
- We're finished. Done.
659
00:37:34,853 --> 00:37:37,255
"Don't call, write,
e-mail or fax."
660
00:37:37,323 --> 00:37:40,091
"I never want to see your face
or your fake butt again."
661
00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:13,459
Okay, get down there.
662
00:38:13,525 --> 00:38:15,727
Dude, wait. Why me?
663
00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:18,063
Because you're in charge
of guarding Judith.
664
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:19,665
I'm dealing
with Darren and Sandy.
665
00:38:19,731 --> 00:38:21,232
But when we let her go,
666
00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:22,801
she'll be able to identify me.
667
00:38:22,868 --> 00:38:26,905
No, she won't be able to,
'cause you'll be wearing this.
668
00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:28,574
But after we let Judith go,
669
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,009
the cops will be looking for
a guy dressed in a bird suit.
670
00:38:31,076 --> 00:38:33,445
So?
So what am I gonna wear to work?
671
00:38:33,512 --> 00:38:34,946
Your work clothes.
672
00:38:35,013 --> 00:38:36,982
But tomorrow's casual Friday.
673
00:38:37,583 --> 00:38:39,250
Get downstairs!
674
00:38:46,592 --> 00:38:47,993
Who the hell are you?
675
00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:04,910
Hi.
Hey, Sandy!
676
00:39:04,976 --> 00:39:08,013
Hi.
Hi, yeah.
677
00:39:08,079 --> 00:39:10,616
Thanks for meeting me.
I know I just called you out of the blue.
678
00:39:10,682 --> 00:39:12,183
That's okay.
679
00:39:12,250 --> 00:39:14,386
I love catching up with
old high school friends.
680
00:39:14,453 --> 00:39:16,187
Yeah.
Are you single?
681
00:39:16,254 --> 00:39:17,789
Yes.
682
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:21,560
Great. Look, I wanted to talk
to you about Darren Silverman.
683
00:39:21,627 --> 00:39:23,228
He's a really good guy.
684
00:39:23,294 --> 00:39:26,331
You know what?
He works with the elderly.
685
00:39:26,398 --> 00:39:27,899
Really!
Yeah.
686
00:39:27,966 --> 00:39:29,300
That is so sweet.
687
00:39:29,364 --> 00:39:31,244
You know,
he still talks about you all the time.
688
00:39:31,269 --> 00:39:32,971
Oh, Wayne,
there's something I need to...
689
00:39:33,038 --> 00:39:34,873
He even writes poems about you.
690
00:39:34,940 --> 00:39:38,444
In fact, I think he loves you.
691
00:39:38,510 --> 00:39:40,946
Wayne, I'm going
to become a nun.
692
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:43,281
Yeah.
693
00:39:43,348 --> 00:39:45,517
In a week I take my final vows.
694
00:39:45,584 --> 00:39:49,120
I didn't even know
that you were religious.
695
00:39:49,187 --> 00:39:51,122
Well, I wasn't in high school.
696
00:39:51,189 --> 00:39:54,793
But after I graduated, I went and
I joined my parents in the circus.
697
00:39:54,860 --> 00:39:56,762
And I became a trapeze artist.
698
00:39:58,497 --> 00:40:01,399
I fell in love with
my partner, Luigi Panini.
699
00:40:01,467 --> 00:40:05,537
Ladies and gentlemen,
the fabulous Luigi!
700
00:40:05,604 --> 00:40:08,540
Everything was perfect, until...
701
00:40:08,607 --> 00:40:10,909
Well, there were these
talent scouts in the audience.
702
00:40:10,976 --> 00:40:13,378
Luigi wanted to impress them.
703
00:40:13,445 --> 00:40:15,213
He was a great trapeze artist,
704
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,282
but he was completely vain.
705
00:40:17,348 --> 00:40:19,818
And now Luigi will attempt
the most dangerous stunt
706
00:40:19,885 --> 00:40:21,787
in the history of trapeze,
707
00:40:21,853 --> 00:40:23,689
the Quadruple Bierman.
708
00:40:39,505 --> 00:40:41,239
Luigi!
709
00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:47,045
Yeah.
710
00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:51,116
After Luigi died,
I knew I would never love again.
711
00:40:51,182 --> 00:40:55,954
That's when I decided to devote my life
to serving the Lord and helping others.
712
00:40:56,021 --> 00:41:00,125
So you haven't taken your final vows yet,
right?
713
00:41:00,191 --> 00:41:01,359
Right.
714
00:41:01,426 --> 00:41:05,230
So, technically,
you're not a nun yet.
715
00:41:05,296 --> 00:41:07,966
Well, no.
I mean, not yet.
716
00:41:08,033 --> 00:41:10,969
So why not just have
lunch with Darren?
717
00:41:13,038 --> 00:41:15,574
I just can't figure out
why Judith left.
718
00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:17,375
It doesn't make any sense.
719
00:41:17,442 --> 00:41:19,244
She didn't even
take her clothes.
720
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,613
Maybe she went some place
where she didn't need clothes,
721
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,048
like a nudist colony.
722
00:41:23,114 --> 00:41:25,951
I don't think so.
Maybe she got kidnapped.
723
00:41:26,017 --> 00:41:27,252
You think?
724
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,387
No, no. Definitely not.
725
00:41:29,454 --> 00:41:31,289
That's impossible.
That's like...
726
00:41:31,356 --> 00:41:33,992
Why would that happen
in a world?
727
00:41:34,059 --> 00:41:35,326
Maybe she's a lesbo.
728
00:41:37,462 --> 00:41:38,730
Maybe she's a herm.
729
00:41:40,632 --> 00:41:44,335
What?
Yeah, hermaphrodite. Little dick, little puss.
730
00:41:46,538 --> 00:41:48,707
Hey!
731
00:41:48,774 --> 00:41:50,676
Guess who I bumped into today?
732
00:41:50,742 --> 00:41:54,780
Who?
Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you.
733
00:41:54,846 --> 00:41:56,715
I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne.
734
00:41:56,782 --> 00:41:58,349
She dumped you, dude.
735
00:41:58,416 --> 00:42:01,452
Just have lunch with Sandy.
What's it gonna hurt?
736
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,355
No way.
Judith's coming back.
737
00:42:04,422 --> 00:42:05,991
Yeah, what if she doesn't?
738
00:42:06,057 --> 00:42:09,294
As long as Judith's alive,
I'll never give up on her.
739
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,729
Okay? Okay?
740
00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,870
I got it. Crowbar me.
741
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,509
Oh, my God.
What is it?
742
00:42:24,576 --> 00:42:26,411
This dead chick
is really stacked.
743
00:42:32,417 --> 00:42:35,053
Okay, go, go, go.
744
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,488
What are you doin'?
Jacket's caught.
745
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:38,990
Well, take it off.
746
00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,826
I love this jacket!
747
00:42:41,326 --> 00:42:42,493
Lose it!
748
00:42:46,031 --> 00:42:48,466
Why, why, why?
749
00:42:59,277 --> 00:43:02,681
Damn. That was
my favorite jacket.
750
00:43:07,318 --> 00:43:10,421
A bizarre incident last night.
Local resident, Judith Fessbeggler,
751
00:43:10,488 --> 00:43:13,224
was incinerated beyond
recognition when her BMW
752
00:43:13,291 --> 00:43:15,593
careened off a cliff
into a rocky gorge.
753
00:43:15,661 --> 00:43:17,395
Investigators have
declared it an accident,
754
00:43:17,462 --> 00:43:19,597
and no foul play is suspected.
755
00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:25,671
And in unrelated news, the body of
deceased local resident Joan Snerd
756
00:43:25,737 --> 00:43:28,006
was dug up in an apparent
grave robbing last night.
757
00:43:28,073 --> 00:43:30,375
Police have arrested
three Cuban nationals.
758
00:43:41,653 --> 00:43:43,054
Why are you doin' this?
759
00:43:43,121 --> 00:43:45,590
So you can eat and
have somethin' to wear.
760
00:43:45,657 --> 00:43:47,793
No, why did you kidnap me?
761
00:43:47,859 --> 00:43:49,227
I'm not supposed to tell ya.
762
00:43:49,294 --> 00:43:52,497
I get it.
The other guy is the boss.
763
00:43:54,232 --> 00:43:56,434
No, I make decisions, too.
764
00:43:57,435 --> 00:43:59,604
I suggested that.
765
00:43:59,671 --> 00:44:01,206
An outhouse. Clever.
766
00:44:01,272 --> 00:44:02,340
Thanks.
767
00:44:02,407 --> 00:44:04,109
You must be very well-educated.
768
00:44:04,175 --> 00:44:05,210
I suppose.
769
00:44:05,276 --> 00:44:06,344
Ivy league?
770
00:44:06,411 --> 00:44:07,478
More or less.
771
00:44:07,545 --> 00:44:09,647
Which one?
Yale, Harvard, Princeton?
772
00:44:09,715 --> 00:44:10,782
SU.
773
00:44:10,849 --> 00:44:12,550
Stanford University?
774
00:44:14,552 --> 00:44:16,688
Subway University.
775
00:44:16,755 --> 00:44:19,224
Oh, yeah,
wait. I know someone who went there.
776
00:44:19,290 --> 00:44:20,726
Did you know J.D. McNugent?
777
00:44:20,792 --> 00:44:22,527
No, no.
778
00:44:22,593 --> 00:44:24,395
Never heard of
such a person ever!
779
00:44:24,462 --> 00:44:26,331
Well.
780
00:44:26,397 --> 00:44:27,766
Well, see you later, J.D.
781
00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:29,134
Take it easy, Judith.
782
00:44:31,036 --> 00:44:32,971
Goddamnit!
783
00:44:33,038 --> 00:44:34,605
She knows who we are?
784
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,641
Dude, there was nothin'
I could do.
785
00:44:36,708 --> 00:44:38,910
She used her super
intellect on me, man.
786
00:44:38,977 --> 00:44:40,278
She's like Hannibal Lecter.
787
00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,080
Great. Now we can't let her go.
788
00:44:42,147 --> 00:44:43,749
So what are we gonna do?
789
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:47,318
Coach! Coach! Hey!
790
00:44:47,385 --> 00:44:49,788
Well! If it ain't my favorite
third-string quarterback...
791
00:44:49,855 --> 00:44:52,357
And the best damn mascot
Wheaton High School ever had.
792
00:44:53,491 --> 00:44:54,960
He's still got it.
793
00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:56,294
All right.
794
00:44:56,361 --> 00:44:57,996
It's good seein' you boys.
795
00:44:58,063 --> 00:44:59,965
I want to thank you
for comin' to my trial.
796
00:45:00,031 --> 00:45:01,466
Oh no problem, Coach.
797
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:03,869
We were happy to act as
witnesses on your behalf.
798
00:45:03,935 --> 00:45:06,271
Yeah, that ref blew.
He deserved what he got.
799
00:45:10,308 --> 00:45:11,810
Touchdown!
800
00:45:11,877 --> 00:45:14,579
No touchdown! No touchdown!
He's out of bounds!
801
00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:16,581
What?
Out of bounds!
802
00:45:30,829 --> 00:45:33,464
Coach, do you think
after you get out of prison
803
00:45:33,531 --> 00:45:35,801
they'll let you get
your old job back?
804
00:45:35,867 --> 00:45:38,837
Well, boys, I don't think so.
805
00:45:38,904 --> 00:45:40,972
So when are they
gonna let you out?
806
00:45:41,039 --> 00:45:42,808
Well, I've got
an appeal pending,
807
00:45:42,874 --> 00:45:44,742
but it doesn't look good.
808
00:45:44,810 --> 00:45:47,946
The victim's whiny
family's protesting.
809
00:45:48,013 --> 00:45:50,081
What's their damn problem?
810
00:45:50,148 --> 00:45:52,550
So what brings you boys
up here today?
811
00:45:52,617 --> 00:45:54,853
Well, Coach,
we need your advice.
812
00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:56,287
Okay, shoot.
813
00:45:56,354 --> 00:45:59,090
Darren fell in love
with this girl Judith.
814
00:45:59,157 --> 00:46:01,126
And we kidnapped her.
815
00:46:01,192 --> 00:46:02,360
Kill her.
816
00:46:02,427 --> 00:46:05,330
Okay, just wait a minute.
Let me finish.
817
00:46:05,396 --> 00:46:09,100
So, we screwed up,
'cause now she knows who we are.
818
00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:12,270
We can't let her go,
or she'll turn us in.
819
00:46:12,337 --> 00:46:14,039
Is that it?
That everything?
820
00:46:14,105 --> 00:46:15,540
Yeah.
821
00:46:16,808 --> 00:46:17,943
Kill her!
822
00:46:18,009 --> 00:46:20,645
Well, we can't kill her.
823
00:46:20,711 --> 00:46:22,347
Sure, you can!
824
00:46:22,413 --> 00:46:25,053
You're Wheaton Warbirds.
You can do anything you put your minds to.
825
00:46:25,078 --> 00:46:26,351
Yeah, but, Coach, come on.
826
00:46:26,417 --> 00:46:28,153
We can't actually kill a person.
827
00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:31,089
What is it that I always said?
828
00:46:31,156 --> 00:46:33,791
If you can dream it,
you can do it.
829
00:46:33,859 --> 00:46:35,026
Exactly!
830
00:46:35,093 --> 00:46:36,361
You have the dream.
831
00:46:36,427 --> 00:46:38,463
All you have to do is
turn it into reality.
832
00:46:39,497 --> 00:46:41,432
Okay.
Attaboy!
833
00:46:41,499 --> 00:46:43,501
Now go on home
and snuff that bitch!
834
00:46:43,568 --> 00:46:44,936
Come on, move.
Thanks, Coach.
835
00:46:45,003 --> 00:46:47,572
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
836
00:46:51,542 --> 00:46:52,978
Where's your bird suit?
837
00:46:53,044 --> 00:46:55,713
I don't need it,
because we're...
838
00:46:57,315 --> 00:46:59,417
Because we're
gonna kill you, right?
839
00:46:59,484 --> 00:47:00,485
Right.
840
00:47:02,287 --> 00:47:04,222
You guys aren't gonna shoot me.
841
00:47:04,289 --> 00:47:06,391
Oh, yeah?
What makes you say that?
842
00:47:06,457 --> 00:47:07,692
Because you're not killers.
843
00:47:07,758 --> 00:47:09,127
Sure, we are.
844
00:47:09,194 --> 00:47:10,728
You've never killed anyone.
845
00:47:10,795 --> 00:47:12,530
I killed a man once.
Oh, really?
846
00:47:12,597 --> 00:47:14,099
Yeah.
Who?
847
00:47:14,165 --> 00:47:15,967
Kevin... Beckley.
848
00:47:16,034 --> 00:47:19,137
You didn't kill Kevin Beckley.
He died in a car wreck.
849
00:47:20,238 --> 00:47:22,908
She doesn't know that.
God damn it.
850
00:47:22,974 --> 00:47:26,044
You see? You guys have never
killed anything in your entire lives.
851
00:47:26,111 --> 00:47:28,513
Oh, yeah?
One time I was drivin',
852
00:47:28,579 --> 00:47:30,148
and this squirrel
ran out in the street.
853
00:47:30,215 --> 00:47:31,682
I ran over him.
854
00:47:31,749 --> 00:47:33,909
He didn't die right then,
but he was limpin' and stuff.
855
00:47:33,936 --> 00:47:35,536
I'm pretty sure he
died right after that.
856
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:36,721
Look.
857
00:47:36,787 --> 00:47:39,090
It doesn't matter whether
we've killed anybody or not.
858
00:47:39,157 --> 00:47:41,692
We're gonna do it
right now! Ready?
859
00:47:41,759 --> 00:47:42,793
Ready!
860
00:47:44,829 --> 00:47:45,897
Well, do it.
861
00:47:45,964 --> 00:47:47,465
I can't!
God!
862
00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:48,934
God damn it!
863
00:47:58,176 --> 00:48:00,078
Okay, it's Tuesday!
864
00:48:00,145 --> 00:48:01,179
So?
865
00:48:01,246 --> 00:48:03,414
So you're meetin'
Sandy for lunch.
866
00:48:03,481 --> 00:48:05,150
Can't you see I'm in mourning?
867
00:48:05,216 --> 00:48:07,385
Right, but you promised
you'd be there.
868
00:48:07,452 --> 00:48:09,220
You gave her your word.
869
00:48:09,287 --> 00:48:10,855
I didn't even talk to her.
870
00:48:10,922 --> 00:48:13,291
Okay, I gave her your word.
871
00:48:13,358 --> 00:48:15,193
For God sakes, Wayne.
872
00:48:15,260 --> 00:48:18,163
When are you gonna give up on
this idea that I'll go out with Sandy?
873
00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:20,331
When you go out with Sandy.
874
00:48:22,067 --> 00:48:23,668
Now come on.
875
00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:26,637
Come on. Come on.
876
00:48:26,704 --> 00:48:30,108
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Hey!
877
00:48:30,175 --> 00:48:33,311
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
878
00:48:33,378 --> 00:48:37,548
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
879
00:48:37,615 --> 00:48:39,750
- Come on! All right!
- Come on.
880
00:48:41,686 --> 00:48:43,721
Darren. Hi.
881
00:48:43,788 --> 00:48:47,525
Sandy, hey!
You're wearin' the...
882
00:48:47,592 --> 00:48:49,961
I'm training to become a nun.
883
00:48:50,028 --> 00:48:52,998
A nun?
Well, that explains it.
884
00:48:53,064 --> 00:48:55,166
I hope it doesn't freak you out.
885
00:48:55,233 --> 00:48:58,369
No, it doesn't.
Actually, I'm relieved.
886
00:48:58,436 --> 00:49:02,440
I think Wayne was tryin'
to set us up on a date.
887
00:49:02,507 --> 00:49:05,776
Oh, yeah. He's got
some crazy ideas.
888
00:49:05,843 --> 00:49:10,581
Yeah. Now that I know
that you're unavailable,
889
00:49:10,648 --> 00:49:12,250
it makes this easier.
890
00:49:12,317 --> 00:49:13,684
We can just be friends.
891
00:49:13,751 --> 00:49:16,021
Yeah.
Exactly, friends.
892
00:49:16,087 --> 00:49:17,188
Please.
893
00:49:17,255 --> 00:49:20,258
Thank you.
Sure.
894
00:49:21,259 --> 00:49:22,460
So how are your parents?
895
00:49:22,527 --> 00:49:23,995
Oh, great.
896
00:49:24,062 --> 00:49:26,331
They're making a fortune
on the Internet.
897
00:49:26,397 --> 00:49:29,634
They started their own
website, circusfreak.com.
898
00:49:29,700 --> 00:49:31,502
Good for them.
899
00:49:31,569 --> 00:49:33,804
And how is your brother?
Dogfaced boy.
900
00:49:33,871 --> 00:49:35,540
He got rabies.
901
00:49:35,606 --> 00:49:37,575
God that's too bad.
Yeah.
902
00:49:37,642 --> 00:49:40,602
For a while there, we thought we
were going to have to put him down, but...
903
00:49:40,911 --> 00:49:41,912
He recovered!
904
00:49:42,613 --> 00:49:43,814
Good. Good.
905
00:49:44,815 --> 00:49:46,351
So, how are you?
906
00:49:46,417 --> 00:49:48,953
Me? I'm... I'm great.
907
00:49:49,020 --> 00:49:52,257
Yeah, everything's been really good,
you know?
908
00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:53,324
Yeah.
909
00:49:55,226 --> 00:49:57,362
Well, my fiancée died.
910
00:49:57,428 --> 00:49:59,697
She died?
Yeah, she's dead.
911
00:49:59,764 --> 00:50:01,866
I am so sorry.
Don't be.
912
00:50:01,932 --> 00:50:04,635
Please don't be sorry.
913
00:50:04,702 --> 00:50:06,304
It's... It's nothing.
914
00:50:07,838 --> 00:50:09,874
So how do you feel about...
915
00:50:15,313 --> 00:50:18,049
Oh, no. Oh, gosh.
916
00:50:18,816 --> 00:50:20,685
Just cry.
Okay.
917
00:50:20,751 --> 00:50:21,852
Let it out.
918
00:50:21,919 --> 00:50:24,955
I'm here for you, okay?
I'm here for you.
919
00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:26,023
Thank you.
920
00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:32,797
♪ Hello, my friend, hello
921
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:36,467
♪ It's good to need you so
922
00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:38,569
Wait a minute. Wait.
923
00:50:38,636 --> 00:50:40,571
You're a Neil Diamond fan, too?
924
00:50:40,638 --> 00:50:43,274
The man's a genius.
925
00:50:43,341 --> 00:50:48,979
Yeah, he's... he's the greatest
songwriter/performer of this or any generation.
926
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:50,215
I know.
927
00:50:50,281 --> 00:50:53,551
♪ It's good to love you
928
00:50:53,618 --> 00:50:55,320
♪ Like I do
929
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:57,388
♪ And to feel this way
930
00:50:57,455 --> 00:51:00,325
♪ When I hear you say
931
00:51:00,391 --> 00:51:02,293
♪ Hello
932
00:51:02,993 --> 00:51:04,462
Oh, God.
933
00:51:05,696 --> 00:51:07,532
I could've been free.
934
00:51:07,998 --> 00:51:09,066
Hey.
935
00:51:11,469 --> 00:51:13,271
I brought you some more videos.
936
00:51:13,338 --> 00:51:16,241
You got your choice,
porno or monster trucks.
937
00:51:16,307 --> 00:51:18,443
And I got one that's both.
Thanks, J.D.
938
00:51:18,509 --> 00:51:21,812
Hey. I really appreciate
you taking care of me.
939
00:51:21,879 --> 00:51:23,214
My pleasure.
940
00:51:23,281 --> 00:51:26,617
Hey, you strike me as
a pretty responsible guy.
941
00:51:26,684 --> 00:51:27,852
Thanks.
942
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:29,254
Yeah, that's why I'm surprised
943
00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:31,456
that you let Wayne
boss you around.
944
00:51:33,391 --> 00:51:35,593
Wayne's not...
No... He...
945
00:51:35,660 --> 00:51:38,329
No one bosses me around.
Wayne's not the boss of me.
946
00:51:38,396 --> 00:51:42,300
Yeah, I think that you seem
depressed and confused.
947
00:51:42,367 --> 00:51:43,434
You think?
948
00:51:43,461 --> 00:51:45,221
Not to mention,
I think you're suffering from
949
00:51:45,246 --> 00:51:47,214
a self-defeating
personality disorder.
950
00:51:49,039 --> 00:51:50,575
Have you considered therapy?
951
00:51:52,877 --> 00:51:56,814
I remember in high school,
you were really into helping people.
952
00:51:56,881 --> 00:51:59,650
At parties, you were always
the designated driver.
953
00:51:59,717 --> 00:52:02,753
Right. And I remember you
were a really good dancer.
954
00:52:02,820 --> 00:52:06,757
And strong, too.
You used to be able to lift me up over your head.
955
00:52:06,824 --> 00:52:08,593
Still can.
956
00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:10,761
Oh, really?
957
00:52:10,828 --> 00:52:12,997
Ready? And...
958
00:52:17,435 --> 00:52:19,069
Oh, Darren!
Help me!
959
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,671
Are you okay?
960
00:52:20,738 --> 00:52:22,307
I can't...
Just hang on.
961
00:52:23,341 --> 00:52:25,142
Swim.
I can't swim.
962
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:44,262
Darren! Darren!
963
00:52:44,329 --> 00:52:45,630
Are you okay?
964
00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:49,300
Thank you.
Thank you for saving me.
965
00:52:49,367 --> 00:52:51,769
No problem.
966
00:53:01,679 --> 00:53:04,949
Let it out now.
There you go.
967
00:53:07,818 --> 00:53:09,854
Come on.
Let's go, okay?
968
00:53:14,158 --> 00:53:16,727
You're a lot stronger than
you were in high school.
969
00:53:16,794 --> 00:53:20,164
Yeah, well,
the convent's got a great gym.
970
00:53:20,231 --> 00:53:21,566
Yeah.
971
00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:26,537
And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets.
Right.
972
00:53:26,604 --> 00:53:29,039
What else can I tell you
about the second grade?
973
00:53:29,106 --> 00:53:31,041
You know what J.D.?
Let's fast-forward.
974
00:53:31,108 --> 00:53:33,010
Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Yes.
975
00:53:34,312 --> 00:53:36,113
No.
976
00:53:36,180 --> 00:53:38,483
Have you ever fantasized
about having sex with a man?
977
00:53:38,549 --> 00:53:40,217
Any man.
Which man?
978
00:53:40,285 --> 00:53:41,619
You mean like a tall man?
979
00:53:41,686 --> 00:53:43,020
Sure, whatever.
980
00:53:43,087 --> 00:53:44,967
'Cause I don't like tall people.
They bother me.
981
00:53:44,994 --> 00:53:46,114
Okay, how about a short man?
982
00:53:46,139 --> 00:53:47,258
How short?
983
00:53:47,325 --> 00:53:50,428
Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird.
Like midgets.
984
00:53:50,495 --> 00:53:53,030
Have you ever fantasized
about having sex with any man?
985
00:53:53,097 --> 00:53:54,565
Any man at all?
986
00:53:54,632 --> 00:53:56,301
Does that include celebrities?
987
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:00,538
Can I ask you something?
988
00:54:00,605 --> 00:54:02,006
Sure.
989
00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:04,642
I mean. Not that it matters now.
990
00:54:06,010 --> 00:54:09,280
But if had asked you
out back in high school...
991
00:54:09,347 --> 00:54:10,715
Would you have gone out with me?
992
00:54:11,982 --> 00:54:12,983
Definitely.
993
00:54:14,685 --> 00:54:16,321
Not that it matters now...
994
00:54:16,387 --> 00:54:18,389
You know...
Right. Of course.
995
00:54:22,793 --> 00:54:23,928
Thanks.
Perfect.
996
00:54:23,994 --> 00:54:24,995
Sure.
997
00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:27,064
Could you?
998
00:54:27,131 --> 00:54:28,165
You know, turn around?
999
00:54:28,232 --> 00:54:29,534
Right, yeah. Certainly.
1000
00:54:36,874 --> 00:54:38,509
And...
1001
00:54:38,576 --> 00:54:39,944
I have these...
1002
00:54:41,479 --> 00:54:43,581
Sorry, sorry.
Those are...
1003
00:54:44,582 --> 00:54:45,683
Thanks.
1004
00:54:57,595 --> 00:54:59,397
Can you...
1005
00:54:59,464 --> 00:55:00,965
Zip me up?
Yeah of course.
1006
00:55:03,601 --> 00:55:05,636
I had a really great time.
1007
00:55:05,703 --> 00:55:07,237
Yeah, me too.
1008
00:55:07,264 --> 00:55:08,544
You want to have dinner tonight?
1009
00:55:08,569 --> 00:55:10,040
I can't.
1010
00:55:10,107 --> 00:55:12,577
Tomorrow, I have a test
in my catechism class,
1011
00:55:12,643 --> 00:55:15,012
and I have to score
at least an 85
1012
00:55:15,079 --> 00:55:17,815
so I can take my
final vows on Sunday.
1013
00:55:17,882 --> 00:55:19,083
What about tomorrow night?
1014
00:55:19,717 --> 00:55:21,251
Tomorrow night,
1015
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:24,254
I'm scheduled to take care of
an elderly nun on her deathbed.
1016
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,523
I understand.
1017
00:55:25,590 --> 00:55:27,124
But I'd really like
to see you again.
1018
00:55:29,226 --> 00:55:31,396
I'll get out of it.
1019
00:55:31,462 --> 00:55:34,865
I always knew I was different,
and now I know why!
1020
00:55:34,932 --> 00:55:37,267
I'm gay!
1021
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:41,606
You're the only person who's
ever truly understood me!
1022
00:55:41,672 --> 00:55:43,841
I know. It's okay.
1023
00:55:43,908 --> 00:55:47,478
Just let it out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
1024
00:55:48,245 --> 00:55:50,014
It's all gonna be okay.
1025
00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:51,882
It's gonna be just...
1026
00:56:07,164 --> 00:56:08,433
Hey!
1027
00:56:18,776 --> 00:56:20,745
Hey! Stop!
1028
00:56:20,811 --> 00:56:22,780
Wayne?
1029
00:56:24,314 --> 00:56:25,616
Wayne!
1030
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:31,522
Judith escaped!
1031
00:56:33,257 --> 00:56:34,258
Der!
1032
00:56:38,629 --> 00:56:40,431
Get to the truck.
1033
00:56:50,374 --> 00:56:51,842
Judith?
1034
00:56:56,180 --> 00:56:58,082
Okay, she can't be far.
1035
00:57:00,350 --> 00:57:01,519
I see her!
1036
00:57:01,586 --> 00:57:04,154
Where? Okay, steady!
Steady!
1037
00:57:06,223 --> 00:57:07,692
I missed her.
1038
00:57:12,863 --> 00:57:14,899
Now, let's go, go, go!
1039
00:57:14,965 --> 00:57:17,635
You go this way! I'll go that way!
All right!
1040
00:57:23,608 --> 00:57:24,642
Hey!
1041
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,946
Open up!
I've been kidnapped!
1042
00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:33,250
Hold your goddamn horses.
1043
00:57:33,317 --> 00:57:35,085
Oh, thank God.
Hurry up.
1044
00:57:39,356 --> 00:57:41,492
Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.
1045
00:57:43,961 --> 00:57:46,531
Young lady,
so horny, so impatient.
1046
00:57:50,568 --> 00:57:52,570
Oh, scrotum!
1047
00:57:55,272 --> 00:57:58,576
Dude, she's stealing
the truck! Come on!
1048
00:58:01,546 --> 00:58:02,713
Now! Do her!
1049
00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:04,048
I got her!
1050
00:58:04,114 --> 00:58:05,449
I got her!
1051
00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:17,995
Okay, Judith, it's over.
1052
00:58:18,022 --> 00:58:20,702
You might as well turn this thing
around and head back to the house.
1053
00:58:20,727 --> 00:58:22,029
Now, come on...
Hey!
1054
00:58:34,378 --> 00:58:35,880
Oh, thank God.
1055
00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:01,371
Hi, officers.
You're safe.
1056
00:59:01,438 --> 00:59:05,610
I'm Cowboy Wayne.
I just bagged me one of them
1057
00:59:05,676 --> 00:59:09,413
killer goats
that escaped from the zoo.
1058
00:59:10,815 --> 00:59:12,617
Good job.
Yeah.
1059
00:59:12,683 --> 00:59:14,919
Okay, then.
I'll see you later.
1060
00:59:28,298 --> 00:59:30,034
There. That should
hold you for tonight.
1061
00:59:32,002 --> 00:59:33,203
Don't!
1062
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,910
Hey, what the hell happened?
1063
00:59:39,977 --> 00:59:43,513
Well, Judith was
givin' me some therapy...
1064
00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:46,316
And helped me realize I was gay,
and the next thing...
1065
00:59:46,383 --> 00:59:48,385
Wait. What?
1066
00:59:48,452 --> 00:59:50,888
I see what happened.
1067
00:59:50,955 --> 00:59:52,990
She messed with your head.
1068
00:59:53,057 --> 00:59:54,859
Wayne, I'm gay.
1069
00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:58,595
No, you're not.
You're just unsuccessful with women.
1070
00:59:58,663 --> 01:00:00,297
No, I'm gay.
1071
01:00:00,364 --> 01:00:02,867
Judith got me in touch
with the inner J.D.
1072
01:00:02,933 --> 01:00:04,234
How'd she do that?
1073
01:00:04,301 --> 01:00:06,236
She listened,
1074
01:00:06,303 --> 01:00:09,006
unlike other people who've
known me for years
1075
01:00:09,073 --> 01:00:11,108
and have ignored
all the tell-tale signs.
1076
01:00:11,175 --> 01:00:12,476
Like what?
1077
01:00:12,542 --> 01:00:14,311
Like my obsession
with Bette Midler.
1078
01:00:14,378 --> 01:00:16,213
My preference
for track lighting.
1079
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,282
And the fact
that I like sucking dick.
1080
01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:20,718
What?
1081
01:00:20,785 --> 01:00:22,319
You've done that?
1082
01:00:22,386 --> 01:00:24,154
No... I mean not
with another guy.
1083
01:00:24,221 --> 01:00:26,141
No, but remember when
I bought that book on yoga?
1084
01:00:26,166 --> 01:00:26,957
Dude, that...
1085
01:00:27,024 --> 01:00:28,744
That's enough. I don't
want to hear anymore.
1086
01:00:28,769 --> 01:00:32,162
Look, you wanna be gay?
Fine, no problem.
1087
01:00:32,229 --> 01:00:34,498
But from now on,
I'll take care of Judith myself.
1088
01:00:34,564 --> 01:00:35,733
Okay?
Okay.
1089
01:00:40,938 --> 01:00:42,873
You want to be gay with me? No!
1090
01:00:42,940 --> 01:00:44,274
All right.
1091
01:00:48,478 --> 01:00:50,681
Come on, come on.
Go. Come on.
1092
01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:52,717
All you, all you.
All you, 11.
1093
01:00:52,783 --> 01:00:54,785
Okay. One more.
One more. Come on.
1094
01:00:54,852 --> 01:00:56,787
One more, one more.
Come on.
1095
01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:59,389
Feel the burn.
Come on now.
1096
01:01:00,925 --> 01:01:02,727
11.
1097
01:01:03,961 --> 01:01:05,830
What's the matter, dear?
1098
01:01:05,896 --> 01:01:09,533
You never used to be so
winded after only five sets.
1099
01:01:09,599 --> 01:01:11,601
Well, Mother Superior,
1100
01:01:13,337 --> 01:01:17,374
I'm having some second
thoughts about becoming a nun.
1101
01:01:18,075 --> 01:01:19,576
Don't get me wrong.
1102
01:01:19,643 --> 01:01:23,147
This is a terrific convent,
but I...
1103
01:01:23,213 --> 01:01:25,750
But?
Well, I...
1104
01:01:26,884 --> 01:01:30,454
I'm having these feelings.
1105
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,022
What kind of feelings?
1106
01:01:34,424 --> 01:01:35,860
I...
1107
01:01:35,926 --> 01:01:38,462
You mean sexual feelings?
1108
01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:41,531
Yeah. Yeah,
but it's so much more than that.
1109
01:01:41,598 --> 01:01:43,700
Yes, well...
1110
01:01:43,768 --> 01:01:45,502
My dear...
1111
01:01:45,569 --> 01:01:49,239
You're the only one who can decide
if this is the life you want to live.
1112
01:01:49,306 --> 01:01:51,876
But, once you take
your final vows,
1113
01:01:54,078 --> 01:01:56,981
there is no going back.
1114
01:01:57,047 --> 01:02:00,350
Now, let's go bust out
some power squats.
1115
01:02:14,631 --> 01:02:17,968
There. That should keep
you from escaping again.
1116
01:02:18,035 --> 01:02:19,569
And this...
1117
01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:23,273
This...
1118
01:02:23,340 --> 01:02:26,176
This should keep you
from biting.
1119
01:02:26,243 --> 01:02:28,979
How am I gonna eat?
I thought of that.
1120
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:31,982
What is that?
It's breakfast.
1121
01:02:32,049 --> 01:02:35,252
It's pancakes, sausage hash brown, Pop-Tart,
pureed.
1122
01:02:35,319 --> 01:02:37,487
I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana.
A what?
1123
01:02:37,554 --> 01:02:40,124
A Big Montana from Arby's
with curly fries.
1124
01:02:40,190 --> 01:02:42,159
No. I'm not gonna get you one.
1125
01:02:42,226 --> 01:02:45,129
If you don't wanna eat what I made for you,
then you can starve.
1126
01:02:45,195 --> 01:02:47,331
Why are you doing this?
1127
01:02:47,397 --> 01:02:49,166
It's the only way
to save our friendship.
1128
01:02:49,233 --> 01:02:50,793
It doesn't seem like
a friendship to me.
1129
01:02:50,818 --> 01:02:52,602
It seems like you're
in love with Darren.
1130
01:02:52,669 --> 01:02:54,839
Bullshit!
1131
01:02:54,905 --> 01:02:57,374
Just get over it.
Your buddy smokes pole, and so do you.
1132
01:02:57,441 --> 01:03:00,177
I am so un-gay.
1133
01:03:00,244 --> 01:03:02,604
Okay, fine.
Let's pretend for a second that you're straight.
1134
01:03:02,629 --> 01:03:04,214
When's the last time
you got any?
1135
01:03:04,281 --> 01:03:06,383
That's none of your business.
1136
01:03:06,450 --> 01:03:08,085
So, it's been years?
1137
01:03:08,152 --> 01:03:09,619
I'm waiting for the right woman.
1138
01:03:09,686 --> 01:03:11,521
There is no right woman
for you, Wayne.
1139
01:03:11,548 --> 01:03:13,708
My guess is, if there ever was,
you've already met her.
1140
01:03:13,733 --> 01:03:16,193
And she's either killed
herself or become a lesbian.
1141
01:03:16,260 --> 01:03:18,295
Oh bite me!
Blow me!
1142
01:03:18,362 --> 01:03:20,230
Skank!
Eunuch!
1143
01:03:20,297 --> 01:03:22,732
Stealer...
Of my friend!
1144
01:03:28,338 --> 01:03:30,908
Hi.
Hey, hi.
1145
01:03:30,975 --> 01:03:32,642
What happened to your head?
1146
01:03:32,709 --> 01:03:35,512
Well,
1147
01:03:36,580 --> 01:03:38,248
I saw Judith.
1148
01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:40,217
Judith's dead.
1149
01:03:40,284 --> 01:03:44,221
Yeah, but...
I could have sworn it was her.
1150
01:03:44,288 --> 01:03:46,456
I was...
You poor thing.
1151
01:03:46,523 --> 01:03:49,193
You're still not over her death.
1152
01:03:49,259 --> 01:03:52,196
Maybe we shouldn't
be seeing each other.
1153
01:03:52,262 --> 01:03:54,298
No. No, no.
1154
01:03:54,364 --> 01:03:56,266
No, God, I'm fine.
1155
01:03:56,333 --> 01:03:59,103
And look, I can
deal with this. Okay?
1156
01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:00,604
Okay.
Okay.
1157
01:04:03,140 --> 01:04:05,943
So, what are you having?
Let's see.
1158
01:04:06,010 --> 01:04:07,677
There's the duck.
1159
01:04:07,744 --> 01:04:09,479
That was always
Judith's favorite.
1160
01:04:09,546 --> 01:04:10,881
I'm sorry.
I should leave.
1161
01:04:10,948 --> 01:04:12,883
No, you shouldn't.
I'm so sorry.
1162
01:04:12,950 --> 01:04:16,786
God I will never mention
Judith's name again, really.
1163
01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:19,456
I swear. I swear.
1164
01:04:19,523 --> 01:04:24,161
Hey would you
excuse me for just a moment?
1165
01:04:24,228 --> 01:04:26,863
Please,
I'll... I'll be right back.
1166
01:04:26,931 --> 01:04:29,166
Okay? In a... In a moment.
1167
01:04:34,771 --> 01:04:36,773
Damn it!
1168
01:04:41,445 --> 01:04:44,114
What do you want?
Wayne, it's me, Darren.
1169
01:04:44,181 --> 01:04:45,615
Look, there's a problem.
1170
01:04:45,682 --> 01:04:48,986
I'm with Sandy,
but I can't stop talking about Judith.
1171
01:04:49,053 --> 01:04:51,188
Okay. I'll be right there.
1172
01:05:03,533 --> 01:05:05,669
Okay.
Open up your shirt.
1173
01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:07,371
Why?
Just do it.
1174
01:05:08,238 --> 01:05:10,207
What is this?
1175
01:05:10,274 --> 01:05:12,977
Okay. Now...
1176
01:05:13,944 --> 01:05:15,545
Here's what's gonna happen.
1177
01:05:17,881 --> 01:05:20,684
I'm going to listen
to your conversation.
1178
01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:22,852
Now...
1179
01:05:23,988 --> 01:05:27,524
If you say anything
about Judith,
1180
01:05:27,591 --> 01:05:29,994
or so much as mention her name,
1181
01:05:30,060 --> 01:05:32,829
then, I'm gonna
give you a little shock.
1182
01:05:35,099 --> 01:05:37,801
Perfect.
1183
01:05:37,867 --> 01:05:39,703
I don't think I'm comfortable
1184
01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:41,838
having these things
on my nipples, okay?
1185
01:05:41,905 --> 01:05:43,707
I can put 'em on your balls.
1186
01:05:43,773 --> 01:05:45,442
The nipples are fine.
1187
01:05:45,509 --> 01:05:47,277
Nipples work.
Okay.
1188
01:05:48,445 --> 01:05:50,680
Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
1189
01:05:50,747 --> 01:05:52,649
I'm back. I am back.
1190
01:05:52,716 --> 01:05:55,019
It was a talkative men's room...
1191
01:05:55,085 --> 01:05:57,554
Attendant.
That's okay.
1192
01:06:11,601 --> 01:06:13,270
Excuse me.
Hey.
1193
01:06:13,337 --> 01:06:15,639
This table's reserved, sir.
Do you know what?
1194
01:06:15,705 --> 01:06:18,608
I come here all the time,
and I spend a lot of money in this place.
1195
01:06:18,675 --> 01:06:21,045
So, why don't you just
leave me the hell alone?
1196
01:06:23,547 --> 01:06:25,782
I don't mean to be pushy, but
1197
01:06:25,849 --> 01:06:28,785
if this relationship
is gonna get serious,
1198
01:06:28,852 --> 01:06:31,121
then I have to give up
becoming a nun.
1199
01:06:31,188 --> 01:06:33,957
And I'd have to decide
soon because...
1200
01:06:34,024 --> 01:06:36,760
I'm taking
my final vows on Sunday.
1201
01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:39,029
Yeah, that thought
had occurred to me.
1202
01:06:39,096 --> 01:06:42,232
And if I do that,
I need to know...
1203
01:06:42,299 --> 01:06:44,934
That you want
marriage and a family.
1204
01:06:46,303 --> 01:06:49,106
Absolutely.
1205
01:06:49,173 --> 01:06:52,676
I never thought I'd say this to
anyone after Luigi died, but...
1206
01:06:54,178 --> 01:06:55,845
I love you, Darren.
1207
01:06:59,583 --> 01:07:01,085
I love you too, Judith.
1208
01:07:02,018 --> 01:07:04,721
Judith!
1209
01:07:04,788 --> 01:07:07,157
I mean, Sandy.
I mean.
1210
01:07:07,224 --> 01:07:09,626
Let's dance.
Okay?
1211
01:07:18,968 --> 01:07:22,806
You're out of here.
Hey! Put me down! I haven't ordered yet.
1212
01:07:26,042 --> 01:07:28,512
Time for an attitude
adjustment, mister.
1213
01:07:31,014 --> 01:07:33,750
Hey. Nice move.
1214
01:07:41,725 --> 01:07:43,160
Damn, he's good.
1215
01:07:44,528 --> 01:07:45,795
Darren!
1216
01:07:50,767 --> 01:07:53,903
Oh, my God.
Oh, geez. Oh, my...
1217
01:07:57,374 --> 01:07:59,809
Oh, my...
Are... Are you okay?
1218
01:07:59,876 --> 01:08:02,779
Yeah.
It was a little weird.
1219
01:08:11,855 --> 01:08:13,590
Wait for me!
1220
01:08:13,657 --> 01:08:16,493
Darren. Darren, Darren, Darren.
What's going on?
1221
01:08:16,560 --> 01:08:20,297
Okay, I can explain.
See, it's aversion therapy.
1222
01:08:20,364 --> 01:08:23,267
See, Wayne was trying
to help me get over Judith.
1223
01:08:23,333 --> 01:08:25,101
Judith?
I had these things on my nipples...
1224
01:08:25,169 --> 01:08:28,472
Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought.
No.
1225
01:08:28,538 --> 01:08:32,108
No, you're obviously not
ready for this relationship.
1226
01:08:33,277 --> 01:08:35,111
No, I am!
Sandy, wait!
1227
01:08:35,179 --> 01:08:37,281
Sandy... Okay...
1228
01:08:37,947 --> 01:08:39,183
Damn it!
1229
01:08:41,084 --> 01:08:44,288
Sandy! Sandy,
wait... wait, Sandy!
1230
01:08:44,354 --> 01:08:46,523
Sandy!
Wait, Sandy!
1231
01:08:50,427 --> 01:08:51,661
Sandy, wait!
1232
01:08:56,533 --> 01:08:57,767
Sandy.
1233
01:08:59,369 --> 01:09:02,038
Darren! Oh, my God!
1234
01:09:02,105 --> 01:09:04,274
Darren, what happened to you?
1235
01:09:04,341 --> 01:09:06,976
I ran here from the nightclub.
But that's 30 miles!
1236
01:09:07,043 --> 01:09:08,745
Yeah, I know, I just...
1237
01:09:08,812 --> 01:09:11,648
Wanted to say...
I'm sorry.
1238
01:09:11,715 --> 01:09:13,717
I'm sorry. Can you
ever forgive me?
1239
01:09:13,783 --> 01:09:17,287
Oh, yeah.
'Cause the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps...
1240
01:09:17,354 --> 01:09:18,855
It's crazy and...
Yes!
1241
01:09:20,190 --> 01:09:21,791
Really?
Yes.
1242
01:09:21,858 --> 01:09:23,393
Just like that?
1243
01:09:23,460 --> 01:09:26,230
Yeah, well, I am training to
become a nun, you know.
1244
01:09:26,296 --> 01:09:28,532
Forgiveness is just
sort of my thing.
1245
01:09:28,598 --> 01:09:30,166
I love you.
Really?
1246
01:09:30,234 --> 01:09:32,168
I love you!
I love you.
1247
01:09:32,236 --> 01:09:33,837
Love. Love.
1248
01:09:51,488 --> 01:09:54,358
Happy?
You didn't have to do that.
1249
01:09:54,424 --> 01:09:57,261
Well, I just happened
to be by an Arby's,
1250
01:09:57,327 --> 01:10:00,129
and they were throwin' out
some old food so, you know,
1251
01:10:00,196 --> 01:10:01,665
I thought, why not?
1252
01:10:01,731 --> 01:10:04,100
Either way, that's nice of you.
1253
01:10:08,838 --> 01:10:09,973
Hey,
1254
01:10:11,841 --> 01:10:13,377
I was wondering.
1255
01:10:14,878 --> 01:10:17,547
Why Darren?
What do you mean?
1256
01:10:17,614 --> 01:10:21,351
You just don't seem like the type
that goes for a sensitive guy like Darren.
1257
01:10:21,418 --> 01:10:25,722
You seem more the kind of woman
that needs an assertive type of guy.
1258
01:10:32,296 --> 01:10:33,930
Before I met Darren, I was...
1259
01:10:37,166 --> 01:10:39,503
I was engaged
to a guy like that.
1260
01:10:39,569 --> 01:10:41,605
His idea of a fun weekend
was to fly to Thailand
1261
01:10:41,671 --> 01:10:43,440
and compete
in a kickboxing tournament.
1262
01:10:44,608 --> 01:10:46,310
U.S.A.! Go, Josh!
1263
01:10:48,745 --> 01:10:49,913
Yeah!
1264
01:10:55,652 --> 01:10:56,720
No!
1265
01:10:58,422 --> 01:11:01,090
No!
1266
01:11:10,099 --> 01:11:12,469
After that I decided
no more tough guys.
1267
01:11:12,536 --> 01:11:14,971
Yeah, and then you found Darren.
1268
01:11:15,439 --> 01:11:16,773
Yeah.
1269
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:18,542
So do you even love him?
1270
01:11:18,608 --> 01:11:20,568
Well, I think there's
all different types of love.
1271
01:11:20,593 --> 01:11:22,479
I knew it!
1272
01:11:22,546 --> 01:11:25,615
Look, sometimes you have to make cold,
rational decisions.
1273
01:11:25,682 --> 01:11:28,818
You can't always follow your heart.
Yeah. Whatever.
1274
01:11:28,885 --> 01:11:32,255
Although I will admit there's something
sexy about a man who takes charge.
1275
01:11:33,323 --> 01:11:36,326
Like you kidnapping me.
1276
01:11:36,393 --> 01:11:37,661
That took balls.
1277
01:11:38,528 --> 01:11:39,963
Big balls.
1278
01:11:41,531 --> 01:11:43,099
I gotta say it turned me on.
1279
01:11:45,134 --> 01:11:47,537
It did?
1280
01:12:30,514 --> 01:12:31,948
Chain.
1281
01:12:33,016 --> 01:12:34,918
Goddamn these chains!
1282
01:12:38,655 --> 01:12:41,391
Give it a little key,
little key...
1283
01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:44,160
Wait! What am I
doing? I can't let you go!
1284
01:12:44,227 --> 01:12:47,163
Just give me one free hand,
and I promise it'll be worth it.
1285
01:12:47,230 --> 01:12:48,965
Okay.
1286
01:12:49,032 --> 01:12:50,800
Okay, give me the fries.
1287
01:12:56,540 --> 01:12:58,508
Okay, okay, okay.
1288
01:13:00,644 --> 01:13:02,679
Hey...
1289
01:13:03,580 --> 01:13:05,081
Shit.
1290
01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:09,853
Just wait one minute, okay?
1291
01:13:14,123 --> 01:13:15,825
Dude!
Dude, you got a boner?
1292
01:13:16,359 --> 01:13:17,661
No...
1293
01:13:17,727 --> 01:13:19,829
Why didn't you answer the door?
I'm eatin'.
1294
01:13:19,896 --> 01:13:21,631
So?
I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
1295
01:13:21,698 --> 01:13:22,932
Since when?
Since always.
1296
01:13:22,999 --> 01:13:24,501
I never knew that.
1297
01:13:24,568 --> 01:13:26,888
You didn't know a lot of things.
You didn't know I was gay.
1298
01:13:26,955 --> 01:13:28,555
Is there anything else
you wanna tell me?
1299
01:13:28,580 --> 01:13:29,873
I got three balls.
1300
01:13:29,939 --> 01:13:32,642
Shut up! God!
1301
01:13:32,709 --> 01:13:34,911
Dude. Dude. Dude!
1302
01:13:36,446 --> 01:13:39,449
Hi, Coach.
Coach! What are you doin' here?
1303
01:13:39,516 --> 01:13:42,251
Retrial. Got a judge
that's a sports fan.
1304
01:13:42,318 --> 01:13:44,521
Congrats.
What are you gonna do now?
1305
01:13:44,588 --> 01:13:47,757
That's why I'm here. Need a
place to crash. Get my shit together.
1306
01:13:47,824 --> 01:13:50,694
Figure out my next move.
I knew I could count on you boys.
1307
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:52,904
Of course. Coach, our house is your house,
We gotta talk about it.
1308
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:54,263
You stay as long as you like.
1309
01:13:54,330 --> 01:13:56,700
Great! Where's the
bathroom? I gotta take a dump.
1310
01:13:56,766 --> 01:13:58,835
We don't use the toilet anymore,
1311
01:13:58,902 --> 01:14:01,505
'cause we're cuttin' down
on the water bill.
1312
01:14:01,571 --> 01:14:02,972
What the hell do you do?
1313
01:14:03,039 --> 01:14:06,042
Well, we just use the lawn now.
1314
01:14:06,109 --> 01:14:09,412
Smart thinkin'.
Oh, God.
1315
01:14:09,479 --> 01:14:11,247
You've been pinchin' loaves
on the lawn, man?
1316
01:14:11,314 --> 01:14:12,749
I play croquet out there!
1317
01:14:12,816 --> 01:14:15,084
What, are you crazy?
The coach can't stay here.
1318
01:14:15,151 --> 01:14:17,253
We've got a woman
locked in the garage.
1319
01:14:17,320 --> 01:14:18,321
Oh, yeah.
1320
01:14:23,092 --> 01:14:24,961
You boys got any T.P.?
1321
01:14:25,028 --> 01:14:26,195
No!
1322
01:14:26,262 --> 01:14:28,231
That's all right.
I'll find something.
1323
01:14:34,571 --> 01:14:36,973
Be cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him.
Okay.
1324
01:14:37,040 --> 01:14:40,376
How about this?
We tell him we've got dates tonight.
1325
01:14:40,443 --> 01:14:42,211
He can't be here
'cause we're gettin' laid.
1326
01:14:42,278 --> 01:14:44,480
Nah, he'll never believe that.
Oh, yeah.
1327
01:14:44,548 --> 01:14:46,516
Okay, we'll tell him
we've got ghosts.
1328
01:14:46,583 --> 01:14:48,785
Oh, boys!
What's for supper?
1329
01:14:48,852 --> 01:14:50,554
Listen, Coach...
We have ghosts.
1330
01:14:50,620 --> 01:14:51,788
What?
1331
01:14:51,855 --> 01:14:53,422
We were thinkin' that maybe
1332
01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:55,129
you stayin' here is
not such a great idea.
1333
01:14:55,158 --> 01:14:56,660
Yeah.
Nonsense.
1334
01:14:56,726 --> 01:15:00,163
It'll give us a chance to get
to know one another again.
1335
01:15:00,229 --> 01:15:02,566
By the way, did you boys
take care of that bitch
1336
01:15:02,632 --> 01:15:04,333
that was gonna marry Silverman?
1337
01:15:04,400 --> 01:15:09,105
Yeah. Yeah.
We snuffed that bitch just like you said.
1338
01:15:09,172 --> 01:15:11,040
Good.
How'd you do it?
1339
01:15:11,107 --> 01:15:12,876
We...
Ate her.
1340
01:15:13,743 --> 01:15:16,045
You ate her?
Yeah.
1341
01:15:16,112 --> 01:15:17,914
We ate her.
Alive.
1342
01:15:17,981 --> 01:15:20,617
My hat goes off to you.
You boys are smart.
1343
01:15:20,684 --> 01:15:22,218
That's the perfect crime.
1344
01:15:23,653 --> 01:15:25,054
Wonder what's on the tube.
1345
01:15:25,722 --> 01:15:27,090
No! Coach!
1346
01:15:28,151 --> 01:15:29,391
What the hell have we got here?
1347
01:15:29,416 --> 01:15:31,294
Some kind of public access
show or something?
1348
01:15:31,360 --> 01:15:32,929
Yeah.
1349
01:15:32,996 --> 01:15:34,998
Wait a minute.
That's your kidnap victim, ain't it?
1350
01:15:35,064 --> 01:15:36,499
You didn't kill her, did you?
1351
01:15:37,033 --> 01:15:38,034
No, Coach.
1352
01:15:38,101 --> 01:15:41,437
I am really disappointed
in you boys.
1353
01:15:41,504 --> 01:15:44,040
Now I want you to go out
there and off that cooze.
1354
01:15:44,107 --> 01:15:45,909
Well, we can't, Coach...
1355
01:15:45,975 --> 01:15:49,212
Oh, for Pete's sake!
Look, she's gettin' out!
1356
01:15:49,278 --> 01:15:51,280
Go chop her head off
or somethin'!
1357
01:15:52,782 --> 01:15:56,152
There's no fight left in you boys.
You're nutless!
1358
01:15:56,219 --> 01:15:57,754
You've been pussified!
1359
01:15:57,821 --> 01:16:00,757
Don't worry about a thing,
boys. I'll take care of that broad.
1360
01:16:00,824 --> 01:16:03,593
No, no.
No! Hey!
1361
01:16:05,228 --> 01:16:07,697
Hey!
1362
01:16:07,764 --> 01:16:09,884
Who the hell are you?
Judith, don't worry! I'm comin'!
1363
01:16:09,909 --> 01:16:13,369
Let's just say I'm a friend of the boys,
and I'm here to kill ya.
1364
01:16:13,436 --> 01:16:16,539
You don't mind if I try to defend myself,
do you?
1365
01:16:16,606 --> 01:16:19,475
Of course not.
I love a good challenge.
1366
01:16:40,163 --> 01:16:41,497
Are you okay?
1367
01:16:47,971 --> 01:16:49,005
Dude...
1368
01:16:54,844 --> 01:16:56,545
Watch your step.
1369
01:16:57,681 --> 01:16:58,715
Got it?
1370
01:17:02,318 --> 01:17:05,021
I'm so happy.
Oh, me, too.
1371
01:17:08,024 --> 01:17:10,259
Does this couch fold out?
1372
01:17:19,268 --> 01:17:20,804
Oh, Sandy...
1373
01:17:20,870 --> 01:17:23,172
What the hell is going on here?
1374
01:17:23,239 --> 01:17:25,108
Wha... Wha... Judith!
1375
01:17:25,174 --> 01:17:27,410
Yes. Yes!
You're alive!
1376
01:17:27,476 --> 01:17:28,544
Judith?
1377
01:17:28,611 --> 01:17:30,413
Who is this tramp?
1378
01:17:30,479 --> 01:17:32,181
I'm not a tramp!
1379
01:17:32,248 --> 01:17:35,484
Actually, until yesterday I
was training to become a nun.
1380
01:17:35,551 --> 01:17:38,221
I'm gone for a week,
and you're screwing a nun?
1381
01:17:38,287 --> 01:17:40,489
No, no.
We're in love!
1382
01:17:41,590 --> 01:17:43,326
I thought you were dead.
1383
01:17:43,392 --> 01:17:46,395
Really? I'm not dead.
I was kidnapped, okay?
1384
01:17:46,462 --> 01:17:47,731
It was a living hell.
1385
01:17:47,797 --> 01:17:49,365
I was beaten and tortured...
1386
01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:51,634
And treated like
a friggin' farm animal!
1387
01:17:52,401 --> 01:17:53,937
And the entire time,
1388
01:17:54,003 --> 01:17:57,306
the only thing that kept me
alive was the thought
1389
01:17:57,373 --> 01:18:01,210
that somewhere out there,
my sweet Darren still loved me
1390
01:18:01,277 --> 01:18:03,379
and that one day
we'd be together again.
1391
01:18:06,349 --> 01:18:07,683
It was so horrible.
1392
01:18:15,892 --> 01:18:17,460
Where are we going?
1393
01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:19,628
Where? I don't know. We've
gotta find her. Come on!
1394
01:18:19,695 --> 01:18:22,565
Let's go!
Okay, where to? Where to?
1395
01:18:22,631 --> 01:18:25,168
Go left!
I'm goin' right!
1396
01:18:25,234 --> 01:18:27,737
They kept me in a dark
closet for days,
1397
01:18:27,804 --> 01:18:29,638
and they fed me, like,
1398
01:18:29,705 --> 01:18:32,075
crushed potato chips
under the door.
1399
01:18:33,777 --> 01:18:36,813
Maybe...
1400
01:18:36,880 --> 01:18:39,048
I should go.
1401
01:18:39,115 --> 01:18:43,219
Oh, no. Sandy...
Sandy, no.
1402
01:18:43,286 --> 01:18:45,388
Please, please don't.
1403
01:18:45,454 --> 01:18:47,456
Don't... Don't... Don't leave.
1404
01:18:47,523 --> 01:18:49,058
Well, but, I mean,
1405
01:18:49,125 --> 01:18:54,230
Judith's alive, and
she is your fiancée.
1406
01:18:54,297 --> 01:18:56,966
Yeah I know. You're
right. You're right.
1407
01:18:57,033 --> 01:18:59,769
But but you can't go,
1408
01:18:59,836 --> 01:19:01,805
because I...
Because what?
1409
01:19:01,871 --> 01:19:04,073
Because I... I...
Why, Darren?
1410
01:19:04,140 --> 01:19:05,942
Yeah?
See, you...
1411
01:19:06,009 --> 01:19:07,944
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, we... Because...
1412
01:19:08,011 --> 01:19:10,814
Sweetheart, we pledged
our love to one another.
1413
01:19:10,880 --> 01:19:12,982
Spare her the pain
of seeing us together.
1414
01:19:14,083 --> 01:19:16,719
You! Run along,
back to the nunnery.
1415
01:19:20,723 --> 01:19:24,327
Sandy she's right.
1416
01:19:24,393 --> 01:19:27,530
I mean, I did pledge.
1417
01:19:30,066 --> 01:19:31,334
Okay.
1418
01:19:34,637 --> 01:19:35,771
Bye.
1419
01:19:38,674 --> 01:19:40,709
He's here!
Hey, Darren?
1420
01:19:40,776 --> 01:19:41,845
Sandy, hi.
Look, I can...
1421
01:19:41,911 --> 01:19:45,381
Darren! Sorry.
Darren, look...
1422
01:19:45,448 --> 01:19:47,250
I understand that
you're really upset,
1423
01:19:47,316 --> 01:19:49,853
and I probably look like
a really big asshole, but I...
1424
01:19:49,919 --> 01:19:52,255
Dude? Dude!
1425
01:19:52,321 --> 01:19:55,624
Dude.
Okay. I deserved that.
1426
01:19:55,691 --> 01:19:57,493
But now, let me explain...
1427
01:20:02,365 --> 01:20:06,635
Okay, I guess I deserved that one,
too, but now we're even, okay?
1428
01:20:10,840 --> 01:20:13,409
Darren, stop!
1429
01:20:13,476 --> 01:20:15,378
We only did it
because we love you.
1430
01:20:15,444 --> 01:20:17,413
Oh, right.
Because you love me.
1431
01:20:17,480 --> 01:20:20,116
Yeah, man. Come on.
Give me a hug.
1432
01:20:33,897 --> 01:20:36,199
Freeze! Freeze!
Don't move!
1433
01:20:45,441 --> 01:20:46,675
Darren!
1434
01:20:48,177 --> 01:20:50,846
Don't think that my presence
here means I've forgiven you.
1435
01:20:50,914 --> 01:20:54,017
I... I just wanted to
tell you guys, in person,
1436
01:20:54,083 --> 01:20:56,886
that Judith and I are
getting married tomorrow.
1437
01:20:56,953 --> 01:20:59,788
You don't wanna
marry Judith! Admit it.
1438
01:20:59,855 --> 01:21:02,658
Of course I do.
Okay.
1439
01:21:02,725 --> 01:21:04,793
Then look into
my eyes and say it.
1440
01:21:05,661 --> 01:21:07,396
I wanna marry Judith.
1441
01:21:07,463 --> 01:21:10,934
Look into both our eyes
at the same time and say it.
1442
01:21:12,101 --> 01:21:15,004
I'm out of here.
Darren!
1443
01:21:15,071 --> 01:21:18,241
Come on.
We're sorry, okay?
1444
01:21:18,307 --> 01:21:20,176
What we did was wrong.
1445
01:21:24,213 --> 01:21:26,015
We gotta stop that wedding.
1446
01:21:26,082 --> 01:21:27,483
Dude, how?
1447
01:21:28,952 --> 01:21:32,956
Let's go, you maggots!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
1448
01:21:35,558 --> 01:21:38,561
Hello!
Hey, Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.
1449
01:21:38,627 --> 01:21:41,530
Look, we need your help.
I'd do anything for you boys.
1450
01:21:41,597 --> 01:21:43,933
You're like sons to me.
Name it, you got it.
1451
01:21:44,000 --> 01:21:46,135
Well, we need you
to post bail for us.
1452
01:21:46,202 --> 01:21:48,004
It's 10,000 apiece.
1453
01:21:48,071 --> 01:21:53,109
No way!
Come on, Coach. We need your help.
1454
01:21:53,176 --> 01:21:55,344
Jail life is real tough.
They're...
1455
01:21:56,179 --> 01:21:57,947
Sodomizing us in here.
1456
01:21:58,014 --> 01:22:00,083
What?
They're cornholing you?
1457
01:22:00,149 --> 01:22:02,451
Yeah.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
1458
01:22:02,518 --> 01:22:04,587
Don't worry about it.
I'll get you out of there.
1459
01:22:05,888 --> 01:22:07,123
You got sodomized?
1460
01:22:07,190 --> 01:22:08,657
Who? I want to meet him.
1461
01:22:11,360 --> 01:22:13,362
What is that?
1462
01:22:13,429 --> 01:22:15,531
Sounds kinda like my truck.
1463
01:22:16,199 --> 01:22:17,433
Yeah.
1464
01:22:22,405 --> 01:22:25,008
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
1465
01:22:25,074 --> 01:22:27,876
Get the lead out, boys!
Hut, hut, hut!
1466
01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:30,279
Come on. Move it!
1467
01:22:30,346 --> 01:22:33,216
You're free!
Now, where to, boys?
1468
01:22:34,350 --> 01:22:35,551
Go left!
1469
01:22:35,618 --> 01:22:38,287
Charge!
1470
01:22:41,390 --> 01:22:45,061
Sandy Perkus,
do you vow to lead a life
1471
01:22:45,128 --> 01:22:49,665
of poverty, chastity,
obedience and silence?
1472
01:22:49,732 --> 01:22:52,735
Wait! Wait!
1473
01:22:52,801 --> 01:22:55,704
Sorry.
Sandy... Sandy...
1474
01:22:55,771 --> 01:22:58,074
Sandy, look you can't do this.
1475
01:22:58,141 --> 01:23:00,576
You love Darren, right?
Well, yeah.
1476
01:23:00,643 --> 01:23:03,212
Well, Darren loves you.
Really?
1477
01:23:03,279 --> 01:23:05,981
Darren's her boyfriend,
but he's got this other girlfriend,
1478
01:23:06,049 --> 01:23:07,450
and he's gettin' ma...
1479
01:23:07,516 --> 01:23:09,152
Look, so what are you gonna do?
1480
01:23:11,054 --> 01:23:13,489
Go, my child.
1481
01:23:13,556 --> 01:23:16,659
Okay.
Come on! We've got a wedding to crash!
1482
01:23:16,725 --> 01:23:20,296
- Go, go, go, go!
- Bye, everybody!
1483
01:23:21,230 --> 01:23:22,698
Damn!
1484
01:23:22,765 --> 01:23:23,866
Lost another one.
1485
01:23:23,932 --> 01:23:25,301
Son of a bitch.
1486
01:23:40,483 --> 01:23:42,618
I can't believe I'm doing this.
1487
01:23:42,685 --> 01:23:45,188
Here.
We got you some clothes.
1488
01:23:45,254 --> 01:23:48,891
Where did you get these?
1489
01:23:48,957 --> 01:23:51,294
J.D.'s sister.
She's a stripper.
1490
01:23:51,360 --> 01:23:53,329
And a hooker.
1491
01:24:10,379 --> 01:24:11,847
Let's go. Go.
1492
01:24:16,752 --> 01:24:19,588
Oh, my gosh.
Neil Diamond!
1493
01:24:19,655 --> 01:24:21,324
What the hell is going on?
1494
01:24:21,390 --> 01:24:22,891
Neil, let me explain.
1495
01:24:22,958 --> 01:24:25,294
You're the guys who've been
sending me all those letters...
1496
01:24:25,361 --> 01:24:27,230
And tapes...
And naked pictures.
1497
01:24:27,296 --> 01:24:31,033
What? We never sent you
any naked pictures.
1498
01:24:31,100 --> 01:24:32,601
Dude.
Sorry.
1499
01:24:32,668 --> 01:24:35,871
Look, Mr. Diamond,
you gotta help us save our buddy, Darren.
1500
01:24:35,938 --> 01:24:37,373
He's gonna marry
the wrong woman.
1501
01:24:37,440 --> 01:24:39,775
Look, Sandy and Darren,
they broke up.
1502
01:24:39,842 --> 01:24:42,077
Love on the rocks.
Ain't no big surprise.
1503
01:24:42,145 --> 01:24:44,079
But you gotta help us
get them back together.
1504
01:24:44,147 --> 01:24:45,448
I don't know.
1505
01:24:45,514 --> 01:24:47,850
Come on Neil, turn on
your heart light.
1506
01:24:47,916 --> 01:24:51,354
Judith brainwashed him.
Darren was in love with me, but I never knew it.
1507
01:24:51,420 --> 01:24:54,190
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
1508
01:24:54,257 --> 01:24:56,792
Hold on!
And did I mention I was gay?
1509
01:24:56,859 --> 01:25:00,296
I've spent my whole life writing
songs about the healing power of love.
1510
01:25:00,363 --> 01:25:03,432
But, up until right now,
they've only been words.
1511
01:25:03,499 --> 01:25:07,436
This may be my chance to prove
that those words really mean something.
1512
01:25:07,503 --> 01:25:09,738
Now, you say that
if Darren marries...
1513
01:25:09,805 --> 01:25:12,275
Judith.
Judith he's gonna be miserable.
1514
01:25:12,341 --> 01:25:15,178
Right.
I believe in happy endings.
1515
01:25:15,244 --> 01:25:17,580
And if Neil Diamond has
anything to do with it,
1516
01:25:17,646 --> 01:25:19,848
this love story's
gonna have one.
1517
01:25:19,915 --> 01:25:22,285
Come on! Yeah!
1518
01:25:22,351 --> 01:25:24,587
We got Neil Diamond
on board! All right!
1519
01:25:24,653 --> 01:25:26,222
Where are we goin'?
1520
01:25:26,289 --> 01:25:28,757
The park on America Avenue.
1521
01:25:28,824 --> 01:25:31,093
Five-oh!
What?
1522
01:25:31,160 --> 01:25:33,329
Cops! Caprice.
Five cars back.
1523
01:25:33,396 --> 01:25:38,467
Goddamn heat.
One little prison break and they're all over you.
1524
01:25:38,534 --> 01:25:42,871
Coach.
No matter what happens to me, don't look back.
1525
01:25:42,938 --> 01:25:46,074
Just get this sweet little gal to
the man who loves her. Pronto!
1526
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:48,344
I'd rather be cut down
in a hail of gunfire
1527
01:25:48,411 --> 01:25:50,579
than to go back
to the big house.
1528
01:25:50,646 --> 01:25:52,481
Nice meetin' you, Mr. Diamond.
1529
01:25:53,716 --> 01:25:54,917
Hey! Wha...
1530
01:25:57,253 --> 01:25:59,054
♪ Far
1531
01:25:59,121 --> 01:26:01,156
♪ We've been traveling far
1532
01:26:01,224 --> 01:26:02,458
Coach, look out!
1533
01:26:04,693 --> 01:26:07,029
They're not cops!
1534
01:26:07,095 --> 01:26:09,965
♪ But not without a star
1535
01:26:10,032 --> 01:26:11,967
♪ Today
1536
01:26:12,034 --> 01:26:13,736
Hey, we're comin' to America.
1537
01:26:13,802 --> 01:26:15,238
♪ Today
1538
01:26:15,304 --> 01:26:18,241
♪ They're coming
to America today ♪
1539
01:26:19,775 --> 01:26:22,044
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
1540
01:26:22,110 --> 01:26:23,879
To join Darren Silverman
1541
01:26:23,946 --> 01:26:27,850
and Judith Fessbeggler
in holy matrimony.
1542
01:26:27,916 --> 01:26:30,886
If anyone has any
objections, speak now.
1543
01:26:30,953 --> 01:26:32,455
- I do!
- What?
1544
01:26:33,155 --> 01:26:34,590
Neil?
1545
01:26:34,657 --> 01:26:39,828
♪ Hello, my friends, hello
1546
01:26:39,895 --> 01:26:43,232
Neil!
Neil. Get to the part where we say, "I do."
1547
01:26:43,299 --> 01:26:47,002
♪ It's good to need you so
1548
01:26:48,371 --> 01:26:52,508
♪ It's good to love you
1549
01:26:53,642 --> 01:26:55,110
♪ Like I do
1550
01:26:56,078 --> 01:26:58,046
♪ And to feel this way
1551
01:26:59,748 --> 01:27:01,884
♪ When I hear you say
1552
01:27:03,352 --> 01:27:04,787
♪ Hello
1553
01:27:04,853 --> 01:27:08,724
♪ Hello, my friends, hello
1554
01:27:08,791 --> 01:27:10,859
Say, "I do."
No.
1555
01:27:10,926 --> 01:27:12,661
Say, "I do."
1556
01:27:12,728 --> 01:27:15,130
I can't because I...
1557
01:27:15,197 --> 01:27:17,966
♪ I think about you
1558
01:27:18,033 --> 01:27:20,068
I love Neil and
1559
01:27:20,135 --> 01:27:21,670
I love Sandy.
1560
01:27:23,772 --> 01:27:25,308
You're in love with this slut?
1561
01:27:25,374 --> 01:27:28,076
I am not a slut.
1562
01:27:28,143 --> 01:27:30,546
Sandy is my
one-and-only someone.
1563
01:27:31,146 --> 01:27:32,415
♪ Hello
1564
01:27:44,092 --> 01:27:45,461
What about me?
1565
01:27:46,228 --> 01:27:48,230
Who's my someone?
1566
01:27:48,297 --> 01:27:52,668
♪ Hello again, hello
1567
01:27:55,404 --> 01:27:59,742
♪ It's good to need you so
1568
01:28:01,877 --> 01:28:03,946
♪ I think
1569
01:28:06,382 --> 01:28:09,084
You ruined my life!
1570
01:28:09,151 --> 01:28:11,153
But I saved Darren's!
1571
01:28:11,219 --> 01:28:14,790
Just because I lost Darren
doesn't mean I'm crazy enough
1572
01:28:14,857 --> 01:28:16,359
to hook up with you!
1573
01:28:21,196 --> 01:28:23,399
Hey! Why can't you just admit
1574
01:28:23,466 --> 01:28:25,534
that when you
kissed me you liked it?
1575
01:28:25,601 --> 01:28:28,471
You're right.
I have a weakness for incompetent morons.
1576
01:28:37,480 --> 01:28:39,214
Admit it!
1577
01:28:40,583 --> 01:28:43,986
I'm the strong-willed,
assertive man that you need,
1578
01:28:44,052 --> 01:28:47,356
and you're the hardcore bitch
that I've always dreamed of.
1579
01:28:52,695 --> 01:28:54,997
♪ And I know it's late
1580
01:28:56,164 --> 01:28:58,567
♪ But I just couldn't wait
1581
01:28:59,802 --> 01:29:01,136
♪ Hello
1582
01:29:08,343 --> 01:29:10,078
What about you?
1583
01:29:10,145 --> 01:29:11,414
When are you gonna get hitched?
1584
01:29:11,480 --> 01:29:13,516
Actually, I'm not.
I'm gay.
1585
01:29:14,783 --> 01:29:16,251
Me, too.
1586
01:29:16,318 --> 01:29:18,286
Really?
1587
01:29:18,353 --> 01:29:21,156
By the power vested in me
by the state of Washington,
1588
01:29:21,223 --> 01:29:24,159
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1589
01:29:24,226 --> 01:29:26,128
You may kiss the bride.
1590
01:29:28,664 --> 01:29:31,600
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1591
01:29:31,667 --> 01:29:33,268
You may kiss the bride.
1592
01:29:36,204 --> 01:29:39,875
I now pronounce you man and man.
1593
01:29:39,942 --> 01:29:41,477
You may kiss the man.
1594
01:29:53,255 --> 01:29:54,490
♪ Sing
1595
01:29:58,093 --> 01:29:59,327
♪ Sing
1596
01:30:03,098 --> 01:30:04,467
♪ Sing
1597
01:30:04,533 --> 01:30:06,134
Come on.
We need you for this one!
1598
01:30:07,670 --> 01:30:08,771
♪ Sing
1599
01:30:08,837 --> 01:30:10,172
♪ Sing a song
1600
01:30:12,741 --> 01:30:15,077
♪ Sing ♪ Sing a song of songs
1601
01:30:15,143 --> 01:30:17,379
♪ Sing
1602
01:30:17,446 --> 01:30:19,515
♪ Sing ♪ Sing it out
1603
01:30:21,416 --> 01:30:22,985
♪ Sing it strong ♪ Sing it
1604
01:30:23,051 --> 01:30:24,653
Yeah.
♪ Sing it
1605
01:30:24,720 --> 01:30:27,022
Yeah. Yeah!
♪ Sing it, sing it
1606
01:30:27,089 --> 01:30:28,423
♪ Yeah
1607
01:30:32,094 --> 01:30:33,496
♪ Yeah
1608
01:30:37,365 --> 01:30:40,503
♪ Call the sun
in the dead of night
1609
01:30:40,569 --> 01:30:43,806
♪ And the sun's
gonna rise in the sky
1610
01:30:43,872 --> 01:30:46,742
♪ Sun's gonna rise
1611
01:30:46,809 --> 01:30:49,912
♪ Touch a man
who can't walk upright
1612
01:30:49,978 --> 01:30:53,315
♪ And that lame man,
he's gonna fly
1613
01:30:53,381 --> 01:30:56,852
♪ He's gonna fly ♪ And I fly
1614
01:30:56,919 --> 01:30:59,421
♪ Fly ♪ Yeah
1615
01:30:59,488 --> 01:31:01,323
♪ Yeah, and I fly
1616
01:31:05,460 --> 01:31:08,597
♪ Holly holy love
1617
01:31:14,737 --> 01:31:18,306
♪ Dream of only you
1618
01:31:24,212 --> 01:31:27,415
♪ Holly holy, Holly
1619
01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:29,552
♪ Holy song
1620
01:31:33,421 --> 01:31:36,625
♪ Holly holy, Holly
1621
01:31:37,359 --> 01:31:41,764
♪ Holy rain
1622
01:31:49,171 --> 01:31:50,739
Yeah.
1623
01:31:53,742 --> 01:31:54,743
Yeah.
1624
01:32:05,688 --> 01:32:08,924
♪ I believe in happy endings
1625
01:32:11,760 --> 01:32:16,031
♪ Starry skies
and dreams come true
1626
01:32:18,033 --> 01:32:22,571
♪ I've believed it
since I first met you
1627
01:32:30,378 --> 01:32:34,416
♪ I believe in new beginnings
1628
01:32:36,318 --> 01:32:40,522
♪ Extra innings,
brand new starts
1629
01:32:42,124 --> 01:32:46,561
♪ Loving hearts that care
the way I do
1630
01:32:53,035 --> 01:32:57,606
♪ All these things
and happy endings, too
1631
01:33:04,613 --> 01:33:09,451
♪ Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
1632
01:33:16,324 --> 01:33:20,763
♪ Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
1633
01:33:23,098 --> 01:33:25,901
♪ And I choose to be there
1634
01:33:25,968 --> 01:33:29,772
♪ So that I can declare why
1635
01:33:31,473 --> 01:33:35,443
♪ I believe in happy endings
1636
01:33:37,112 --> 01:33:42,050
♪ You're the reason,
love's the way
1637
01:33:42,117 --> 01:33:46,588
♪ And I'll believe it
till my dying day
1638
01:33:54,162 --> 01:33:58,300
♪ I know the cost
of tears and trouble
1639
01:33:59,902 --> 01:34:04,907
♪ Some get lost,
some make it through
1640
01:34:04,973 --> 01:34:09,344
♪ Me, I made it
'cause I always knew
1641
01:34:15,851 --> 01:34:20,422
♪ That you believed in
happy endings, too
1642
01:34:55,357 --> 01:35:00,195
♪ Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
1643
01:35:06,568 --> 01:35:11,039
♪ Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
1644
01:35:13,208 --> 01:35:15,911
♪ And I choose to be there
1645
01:35:15,978 --> 01:35:20,015
♪ So that I can declare that
1646
01:35:21,549 --> 01:35:26,554
♪ I know the cost
of tears and troubles
1647
01:35:26,621 --> 01:35:31,426
♪ I got lost but I got through
1648
01:35:31,493 --> 01:35:35,831
♪ And I made it
'cause I always knew
1649
01:35:42,404 --> 01:35:46,975
♪ That you believed in
happy endings, too
1650
01:35:53,849 --> 01:35:56,151
♪ You and me
1651
01:35:56,218 --> 01:35:59,788
♪ And happy endings
1652
01:36:02,457 --> 01:36:05,427
♪ Too
115236
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