All language subtitles for Paranormal.Whacktivity.2013.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

[music playing]

[rapid motion]

[rapid motion]

[rapid motion]

[grunting]

[sigh]

[heavy breathing]

[gasping]

Ah!

[music playing]

Oh!

Check out that resolution.

Damn!

- Hey, Michael--
- Oh, uh--

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, babe.

Check out this new camera.

Isn't it awesome?

Now we can make that sex film,
like we've been talking about.

It'd be more
like a short film.

Think about it.

Catching our first time on film.

You know, I'm almost glad you
made me wait a year and a half

to have sex.

Michael, you
know I have issues.

Wait, wait.

Can you say that again?

What?

Why?

This is all part
of the film, baby.

So look right into the lens.

OK.

And say it one more time.

With feeling.

Michael, you know I have--

issues.

Freaking brilliant, baby.

If this is as hot as I
think it's going to be,

we could win the
Grand Jury Prize

at the Cumdance Film Festival.

You think we could win?

Oh, yeah.

And just to get
you in the mood--

oh!

Prepare for Humpfest 2011, baby!

Are you serious?

It's nice.

Oh my god.

I got it all
planned out, baby.

Wow.

First I'll go down
on you in the bedroom.

Then we'll 69 in the kitchen.

Blowjob in the foyer.

I gotta tell you that, um--

And then in the living room--

I invited priests
over to bless the house.

Hello.

Uh--

This one's going
up on Gracebook.

Why do we need
the house blessed?

Michael, I told
you about the--

thing.
- What thing?

The evil spirit that haunts
her when she gets aroused.

Duh.

Can you please leave?

We don't need any
blessings here.

Dick.

[scoffing]

Look, we'll be fine.

We're in your uncle's house.

What could go wrong?

[clattering]

That was weird.

You don't see that every day.

Arf.

Ah!

Uh, it doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything, baby.

So are you, uh, ready to
board the pleasure train?

I'm not in the mood.

Wait.

Can you say that one more time,
but like, more in the mood?

I'm not in the mood.

Perfect.

Yeah, but no, seriously,
I'm not in the mood.

Ah.

We look so perfect
in these photos.

I hope nothing ever
happens to them.

She's already in the shower.

Maybe if I join her,
she'll go with it.

If this goes right,
showering will

become the new water sport.

What the hell?

Hey, babe.

What is this, "Cops?"

No.

I'm just testing out
a new bathing suit.

Uh, why are you-- why
are you getting naked?

Well, I thought
that, you know--

No.

No, get out.

Well, at least give me
something for the trailer.

Out, Michael.

God!

Rolling?

So I don't know how
to tell Michael this,

but I just haven't been
in the mood lately,

since we moved into this house.

OK, I've been having these
erotic dreams at night,

and I've been waking
up totally satisfied.

Maybe it's just nerves.

I do wish we'd had those priests
bless this house, though.

You know, just to be safe.

I still feel this
weird, evil presence.

It's been haunting me
ever since I was 15,

and lost my virginity in
that slip and slide accident.

[beeping] What the hell is--

Now, I want the explosion
to occur right as I come, OK?

Michael, what's going on here?

Oh I'm just upping
the production

value of our sex video.

You know, that is, whenever
you're ready, baby.

But uh, the teamsters
get time and a half

if you wait more than
eight hours, so--

Cool.

Listen to this one.

How many production
assistants does it

take to screw in a lightbulb?

What's a lightbulb?

[laughter]

It's a PA!

It's going to be so good, baby.

And this guy-- this
guy right here.

Here we go.

Hold it, and-- cut.

That's great.

And keep these
off my cart, please.

Uh-- it--

this is a prop.

This is just a prop.

This is-- wait, this--

Now, I want you to
meet Bandit Arcadia.

KASEY: OK.

MICHAEL: He's making
a feature film

of me filming the documentary
of us filming a sex tape.

What?

I'm so confused.

Who came up with this?

Bandit, this is Kasey.

Hi.

Hi.

And, uh-- who's this?

This is your stand in.

Here.

Stand in.
Here.

Will you film here?
- Sure.

Great.

Hi.

She's also your stunt
double, for some of the more

dangerous positions.

Plus she's, uh--
she's my fluffer.

Oh, you got a fluffer?

Well, yeah.

You know, I knew you'd be
upset, so I got someone

who looked exactly like you.

Give me this camera.

You stay right there.

Great.

Are my boobies
gonna be in the shot?

Of course they are.

Give me some spot.

Is this a green screen?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna have
an animated vampire

with big vampire tits to
do the doggystyle scene.

Just to keep it
interesting, you know?

Michael, isn't this a
little over our budget?

Actually, we're under.

OK, this is nuts.

We should just have
sex, the two of us.

With one camera.
Like God intended.

You know, you're right.

Let me go get my fluffer, OK?

You know what,
congratulations, Michael.

Well, for what?

For yet again getting
me out of the mood.

Oh-- Can you say
that one more time?

No, I can't.

Come on!

Hey!

Make sure you get
the money shot, yeah?

Just get the girl.

What?

We're still
getting paid, right?

Don't mess with the union.

[beeping]

Oh, hello.

I didn't see you there.

OK, I know I go a little
overboard sometimes,

but it's only because I
care so much about Kasey.

We met online, playing
"Wizards of Warcraft."

She was a third
degree sorceress,

and I was a eunich
with gum disease.

She said she fell for me because
my screen name, Demon Sack,

was sexy.

I guess she thinks
my dorky side goes

well with her sense of humor.

She's really special.

What a sweet rack.

Am I right?
Ladies?

Am I right?

Oh, oh!

[coughing]

So um--

Nope.

Still not in the mood, Michael.

Fine.

How about now?

Michael, I'll tell
you if I'm in the mood.

That's cool.

Got lots of things
to do, anyway.

Lots of things.

And no masturbating, OK?

I would never masturbate.

Yeah, OK.

Listen, buddy, I
do your laundry.

You're the only guy I know
who uses three socks a day.

Ah!

Gotta go.

I gotta go.

What the fuck is happening?

Why can I do to take
my mind off sex?

Sex.

Sex.
Sex.

Sex.

[shouting] Kasey, why won't you
do me when I want to do you,

but you won't do
me, cause Kasey,

you don't love me,
love me, love me.

Kasey, you don't love me.

Forgive me, Mother,
for I am sinning again.

Oh-- I'm sinning.

Oh!

[music playing]

Kasey, come back to me.

KASEY: Michael?
MICHAEL: Shit.

Sorry.

You might as well
just put it away.

Nothing's happening.

Oh, come on.

[bang]

What the hell was that?

MICHAEL: I don't know.

Let's go investigate.

Cujo?

Cujo?

You don't look scared at all.

Give me something to work with.

Shut up.

There might actually
be somebody here.

What's that?

What do you see?

It's a used cock ring.

Is this yours?

You know I don't
wear rings on my cock.

Why are you still touching it?

I don't know.

There's something about it
that really turns me on.

Say something sexy, Michael.

Uh-- You know I don't
wear rings on my cock.

Do you want to?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I do.

I love rings all over my cock.

Let's go upstairs.

Get ready for a
smooth ride, baby.

Cause I just got
my scrotum botoxed.

Again.

Oh, so that's why the
expression's always the same.

Say that again, you
little dirty vixen!

Oh-- Oh, yeah.

Oh-- let me take off my clothes.

Michael, hurry.

Come on, come on.

How many pairs of
boxers do you have?

Just one more.

Here I come, baby!

Oh, yeah!

You like that?

Oh, yeah.

That move's illegal
in 12 states.

Here I come.
I'm coming to get ya.

Coming to do ya.

Coming to love ya.
Ah!

Oh, yeah.

Receive the seed of Thor!

Thor!

Oh-- Was it good for you, baby?

Kasey?

Are you doing Sudoku?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Did I miss another shot?

No.

Come back later.

What's with that guy?

You hired him.

I don't know.

So what's wrong?

Michael, I-- I just don't
think I can be comfortable

with this wacky presence thing.

What the hell?

I certainly won't be able
to orgasm till it's gone.

Someone stopped recording
while we were having--

while I was having sex.

I'll bet it was that
wacky presence thing.

You know, I'm
starting to think

there is no wacky presence.

Maybe it's me.

Oh, Michael, that's not true.

Then maybe it's you.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Maybe you're frigid.

As an icy.

Cold.

Bitchy.

Well, your technique
is so terrible,

it looks like you're having
an epileptic seizure.

Oh, epileptic seizure?

Speech impediment,
my name is Kasey.

I can't talk right.

"Fudok-you."

Evil spirit.

Let's see what my camera
has to say about that.

Oh, I had no idea I sleepwalk.

Wait there's more.

Wow.

On film your boner
really turns me on.

Were you dreaming about me?

Yeah.

Of course.

Well, this isn't the
supernatural shot

I was looking for, but
it's entertaining as hell.

Wait a minute.

This is exactly
what my film needs.

Comic relief.

I'm going to keep
filming us at night.

This is gold, baby.

No, you're not.

Michael, this is real.
- Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

In the meantime,
I'm going to get

proactive about our sex life.

Oh, yeah?

What's that supposed to mean?

You'll see.

[typing]

Before, Michael, I
dated a lot of bad boys.

Uh-- strip club bouncer,
a motorcycle gang member.

The anti-Christ.

Sorry.

I meant Andy Greist.

He was an insurance adjuster,
and a member of Fight Club.

Oh, I just broke the first rule.

Bad boys were exciting,
but I needed somebody

who would make me feel safe.

And what drove me
into Michael was

his intelligence, his
sweetness, his sense of humor.

He does lack a little confidence
in the bedroom, however.

Every time I pleasure him, he
always apologizes for the mess.

In writing.

With an enclosed gift
card, and a muffin basket.

And I don't eat carbs.

MICHAEL: Honey, I'm home.

Hey.

Where you been?

You've been gone all day.

[humming]

Voila.

What's up?

Well, I thought about our
little sexual dysfunction,

and it occurred to me is all
you need is proper stimulation.

You know, that'll take your
mind off the ghosts, or demons,

or whatever else
is bothering you.

OK.

Um-- well, what's htis?

Sex toys.

Ah-ha!

Oh, I don't know.

Look, look.

I got one to fit
every shape and size.

Now, see, we got
anal beads in case we

want to change things up a bit.

Black penis.

AN Asian penis.

A butt plug.

I have no idea what this is, but
I'd be so willing to find out.

What's this?

Oh, that's cool.

And this?

I got a whip, a boomerang.
La la la!

Shaw!

Michael.

We got a--
whee!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this thing
probably doesn't work.

Oh, maybe it does.

Stop!

We don't need sex toys.

I'm not even sure some
of those are sex toys.

Wait.

I forgot the best one.

Yeah, baby.

- A blow up doll?
- Yeah.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Is that Sarah Palin?

Pre-blown.

What was that?

It's time to go
kill the dragon.

Monster.
Demon.

Minority.

Shit.

Why the hell are you
doing laundry so late?

Hey, every time you blow
a load, I have to do a load.

Hey.

Film me.

Film me going in there.

That'd be great.

[shouting]

KASEY: Michael!

There's socks everywhere!

Ah!

KASEY: What the hell is that?

Obviously you're not a golfer.

It sounds like a
low grumbling noise,

coming from the living room.

[shouting]
- No!

Michael!

It's just my meditation CD.

Oh.

Wait.

Say that again.

Look.

Just my Low Grumbling
Noise meditation CD.

Case closed.

For now.

Until next time.

[shouting] Was that funny?

No.

You know, Michael,
I was thinking--

maybe I am crazy.

Maybe there's
nothing supernatural

going on in this house.

I'm starting to
believe you're right.

There's definitely an
evil presence around here

that coul djump out
at us at any moment.

[shouting]

Oh my god, Michael.

That's not funny.

You really scared me.

Yeah.

Wait a sec.

Why are my nips hard?

I think there's something
really sexy about that mask.

Put it on again.

Come here, my little sex goblin.

[moaning]

We're finally doing it!

I'm king of the underworld!

KASEY: Oh, god.

I'm gonna come.

[moaning]

[bang]

Ah!

Wow.

That was so awesome.

- The sex?
- No.

Your face.
You were so scared.

That was pure,
unadulterated horror.

I gotta get a close up on that.

Do that again, can you?

[screaming]

Oh, there you go.

That's perfect.

No, Michael.

I think I really heard
footsteps in the hallway.

Shh.

Yeah, yeah.

You see anything?

No.

Ah!

We're OK.

We have made it
down the hallway.

We're gonna go have sex now.

Wait a minute.

Did you do that?

KASEY: No.

There must be an
explanation for this.

Maybe some hoodlums
broke into the house,

messed up the entire house, then
they put everything else back.

Except this.
- Come on.

I still can't believe
you don't think something

supernatural is going on here.

Hoodlums?

Really?

- Hoodlums.
- Hoodlums?

- I used to be one.
- Oh.

OK.

Now, let me take you downtown.

Mm.

Now, where were we?

Wait.

The mask.

Oh.

Uh-- I could have sworn
I left it right here.

What-- what the--

Where are you?

Where are you, you
son of a bitch?

We'll just have to
do it without it.

It's OK.

Uh-- Michael?

You know, I'm not really
in the mood anymore.

What?

Goodnight.

But-- Don't worry,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is what my film needs.

Conflict.

We're exactly where we
want her to be right now.

I'll get her.
Don't you worry.

What the hell?

Get your tongue
out of my girlfriend!

Michael?

Huh?

Michael, what the
hell are you doing?

I was just having the
best oral sex dream ever.

That wasn't a dream!

There was something in
this bed giving you head.

Hey, that rhymes.

Oh my god.

It must have been the demon.

He sure knows how to
use that split tongue.

Hey, that's why I haven't
been in the mood lately.

I've been getting
pleasured every night.

Now do you believe me, Michael?

Look, I'm sorry I
ever doubted you, Kasey.

Every night?

OK, this demon is
obviously obsessed

with your blood diamond.

We have to do something
about this, pronto.

I don't think we
should have sex until we

figure out what's going on.

That is a--

terrible idea.

Well, then I think it's
time we call a professional.

I like the way you think.

[doorbell]

You ordered a professional?

Uh, she looks-- smart.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

Come in, Miss--

"Hookay."

Oh, uh, French, is it?

Michael told me
about your problem,

and I think I can help.

I, uh, charge extra for filming.

Just so you know.

That's no problem.
Come in.

Have a seat.

So, do you make
house calls often?

Oh, houses, hotels, officers.

A space shuttle.

I go where I'm needed.

Space shuttle?

Oh, it wasn't that impressive.

Believe me, double
teaming in zero gravity

is not all it's
cracked up to be.

Double teaming?

Oh, you have a partner.
OK.

That's nice.

Now, let me ask you a question.

Do you feel anything
in this house?

Well, my nipples are erect.

Oh.

I didn't know that was
a sign of evil spirits.

Mhm.

Um, are they trying to
communicate something?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

They are saying-- feel me.

Taste me.

This is hot.

That's a strange thing
for a demon to say.

OK.

Can we exorcise them?

Uh-- Yeah.

Sure.

Cardio, anaerobic.

We can do whatever
you want to them.

OK.
Great, then.

Um-- let's just get started.

You got it.

Whoa!

What are you doing?

Are you going to
participate, or just watch?

Uh--

Michael, I thought you were
going to hire a professional.

She is a professional.

Yeah.

A hooker.

Uh--

Nametag.

I thought that's
what you meant.

Hire a professional to help
us with our sex issues.

No, Michael.

Our demon issues.

You know, like a
psychic, or something.

Oops.

I am very intuitive.

Get out.

I'm still charging
you for the full amount.

Well, OK.

In that case, then, can you
exercise your breasts again?

I want to get a
better angle, maybe.

Out!

Michael, we need a psychic.

[knocking]

[sigh]

We're not tipping you!

I hear you need a psychic.

Whoa.

That was cool.

You sensed it.
- No.

I just heard you
through the door.

No.

Actually, I'm a
registered sex offender,

and an amateur psychic.

I am legally obligated
to inform you that I am

moving into the neighborhood.

Hey, neighboors!

Well, come in, I guess.

OK.

No.

No.

I can't be here.
- What?

Is it the camera?

No.

Are you upsetting
the evil presence?

Hm?
No.

Oh, no.
It's my ankle monitor.

No.

I can't get more than
500 yards from my house.

Oh.

Could you still help us?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

No.

I'm not a very good psychic.

But I do know some
good card tricks.

OK?

Is this your card?

We never chose a card.

But I sense you would
have chosen this.

How did you do that?

Please leave.

If one more person
comes through that door--

[knocking]

Oh.

Beat it, perv!

Excuse me?

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

Oh, are you here to help
us with the termites?

Hell no.

I'm a Ghostbuster.

Specifically an Ernie
Hudson impersonator.

Is that the black one?

Man, obviously I'm black.

You didn't have to
say the black part.

Sorry.

African-American Ghostbuster.

Can we help you?

You need a psychic, right?

You're a psychic?

Why not?

Can't a black man be a psychic?

Hey.

[inaudible]

Should we give him our wallet?

What?

- OK.
- Oh, yeah.

Of course.
- Totally.

Totally.
- Sorry.

Once I get going on this Ray
stuff, it's hard to stop.

Let me check this house.

Oh, yeah.

Just come on in.

Being an Ernie
Hudson impersonator

isn't as steady as
you'd think it would be.

So I have to
supplement my income

with this, and with that.

I'm also a notary, a
drywall contractor,

and I pick the seeds
out of chronic.

That's good.

Well, do your
thing, Mr. Hudson,

and please let us know if you
see anything supernatural.

Wait.

This is exactly
what my film needs.

You don't mind if
I film you, do you?

Of course not.

Interesting.

What?

Do you sense spirits?

No.

Mold.

You gotta take care of
this as soon as possible.

This stuff is nasty.

Why do you wear that
full Ghostbuster gear?

Because it makes
me feel pretty.

You got a problem with that?

- No.
- No.

No, I don't.

So do you guys want a
house reading, or what?

Yes.

So what do we do first?

You got some weed?

This card means that there's
a great love between you two.

And this card means
that there's some force

trying to keep you apart.

What kind of force, sir?

The cards don't say, man.

Damn.

You know what?

I'm about to bring
out the big guns.

Fuck this.

Is that your Ghostbuster gun?

I used to have a
real Ghostbuster gun,

but I had a hard time
getting it past TSA.

Mhm?

So now I use this.

Makes the best margaritas
this side of "Tijuany!"

"Tijuany?"

A little buzz always
helps with my routine-y.

- Routine-y?
- You know what I mean.

Shit.

Come on.

Daddy, is that you?

You said you was
going to the store.

[shouting] Come on,
does this thing work?

Damn!

Shit!

I hate you, Daddy.

You ain't nothing.

No!

What-- what did you see?

The Lakers are gonna
lose to Portland tomorrow.

- What--
- Shit.

What about us?

What you have is a demon.

And under no circumstances
are you to communicate

or antagonize it in any way.

And if it is a demon, you're
in trouble, young lady.

Why?

Because demons like booty.

I'd like to exorcise the
demons out of that booty.

Well, I'm flattered, but
I mean, I'm on a sex strike.

Where are you going?

Shit, I'm on my way to court.

This child support
ain't no joke.

Shit.

Are you kidding?

Goodnight.

Look, you see that?

Proof of the supernatural.

Man, I can't wait
to get this footage.

- Freaky.
- Wait there's more.

Keep watching.

[banging]

[clanging]

With a little
practice, we could

take this demon to Broadway.

Cha-ching.

How did we sleep through this?

Oh, yeah.

I slipped a roofie
in your Froot Loops.

The date rape drug?

Just half of one.

You know, I thought if
you were more relaxed,

you could enjoy
sex with me again.

How dare you?

This is the worst
thing you've ever done.

But how was I?

I didn't get around
to trying anything.

Why?

I got hungry and ate the
rest of the Froot Loops.

I passed out the
rest of the night.

Now, Michael,
how can you expect

me to be attracted
to a man who can't

even date rape me properly?

I'm sorry.

Let me make it up to you.

Dinner at Pietro's?

OK.

But only because I love their
warm, salty garlic balls.

Oh, I can taste them.

Those balls are getting
more action than mine are.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Nothing.
Let's go.

Damn right.

And then the banks--

they bought credit default swaps
to dump their toxic assets.

I'm going to take a dump.

[farting] Hey, babe?

Do you know where
I left the camera?

I just took the most
beautiful dump ever.

I'm not sure if it'll
go on the sex film,

but I gotta film this
before I flush it.

You know, I could have
sworn I left it in here--

What are those?

I don't know, Michael.

Do you have something you
want to share with me?

This is not my gay porn.

Oh, definitely not mine.

Oh my god.

The demon's trying to set me up.

OK.

So the demon comes all the
way up here from Hell just

to add to your spank bank.

It makes sense.

He's trying to make me look
bad, and drive us apart.

And I bet he stole my camera
so I can't make my movie.

Son of a bitch!

Hey, screw your
movie, Michael.

Oh, I could have demon herpes.

I mean, do you not
care about my safety?

Do you not care about us?

Yeah, of course I do.

Forget my film.

I'm here for you, OK?

Oh my god.

It's my camera.

Oh, thank god.

My masterpiece is back on track.

You're "ridonkulous."

Oh, wow.

What?

Do you think that's--

Oh-- demon semen.

Gross.

Now this is personal.

Are you doing naked
touchy again, Michael?

Yeah.

You know, the neighbors
really hate that.

Oh, they're just closed minded
to the eatern way of thinking.

KASEY: Yeah, and your bare ass.

Look, I'm wearing a sombrero.

OK.

Fast forward it.

Suck it, neighbors.

KASEY: Oh, hey.
Stop.

Stop.

That's what happened
to my panties.

The demon wants you.

Shut up.

You're crazy.
- Look.

He's obsessed with you.

Maybe it's the new
perfume I'm wearing.

It's by Snooki from
the Jersey Shore.

Ugh.
She has a perfume?

Mhm.

It's called Orange Whore.

I'm wearing, like,
buckets of it.

I'll just go shower it off.

Maybe it'll help.

Orange Whore?

Jesus Christ.

Now, let's if the demon
planted those magazines.

Dammit.

Listen, you demon perv--

you can take your
demon dick out of here,

because you're not getting
my girlfriend, or my camera.

Cause I will destroy you!

[screaming]

What?

It's just so cold in here.

[screaming]

Now what?

The earring I lost.

I found it on the floor.

[screaming]

Now what is happening?

Nothing.

The acoustics are
just really good here.

What's that on the mirror?

Huh.

Do you like demons?

Choose one.

See?

The demon loves you.

Shut up, Michael.

Kasey and Beelzebub,
sitting in a tree.

Oh, you're so mature.

How many demon
children do you want?

I don't want to play
this game, Michael.

Hm?

I don't want to.

Two?

One, two.

You're going to
live in a mansion.

In Hell.

La la la la la!
La la la la!

La la la!

I'm a demon.

Rawr!

I'm a demon demon!

Rawr!

I love you, Kasey.

Michael, I just don't think
you're taking this seriously.

Fine.

Let's think rationally.

And we have to do
something to get

this demon to detach from you.

Oh-- I could talk about exes.

Guys hate when girls talk
about how many blowjobs--

La la la la.

I can't hear anything.

OK, fine.

Let's just brainstorm, then.

There has to be
something else we can do,

other than talk about the
hundreds, and hundreds--

La la la la la.

Blowjobs I've given my exes.

We'll throw a party.

Oh.
OK.

I'm in.
- Wait.

I haven't even explained why.

Who cares?

I happen to think
that any problem

can be solved by a good party.

Most can.

We'll invite all the
hot girls in town.

Some alcohol, a little dancing.

The demon is sure
to find someone he

wants to bone as much as you.

Thanks.

You're really
special now, Michael.

You want to get rid of this
demon as much as I do, right?

So we can have sex again?

Uh-huh.

Well, then I think you can
throw your ego aside for one

night and let someone
else be the hottie,

and you can be the not at all,
disgustingly not hot at all-ie.

Fine.

I'll wear my overalls.

SINGER: Mom says to
find a nice girl.

Get a job and start a family.

She says it's time to
join the real world.

Forget about my
teenage fantasies.

Forget about the
fame and the money.

Tattoos, drugs, and
the Playboy bunnies.

Don't want a girl like you.

So what do you want from me?

Let's get a picture, huh?

Get a picture?

Woo!

Hey, come on in.

Woo!

Yeah.

I sense you like the
missionary position.

Wrong.

Doggystyle.

Is this your card?

SINGER: Little Suzy's
from a small town,

but she don't want the
typical American dream.

Woo!

[laughter]

Oh!

Oh my god.

That is good sangria.

Their sex life is so bad, I
may never get the money shot.

That's why I'm going
to film the booby reel!

[hip hop music]

[whooshing]

RAPPER: Bass so low, I'm
giving you the business.

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you--

Pillow fight!

[camera snapping]

[screaming]

RAPPER: I'm the business.

I do my thing, I run this shit.

Y'all know my name.

I'm the business.

All up in the club
with the bass so low,

I'm giving you the business.

If this demon thing
works out, I can finally

say I'm a real Ghostbuster.

Wait, aren't you the DJ?

What?

You think I'm a DJ
because I'm black, huh?

I bet you wouldn't say
that shit to Harold Ramis.

Relax, man.

It was just an honest mistake.

Wait, who's Harold Ramis?

Who's Harold Ramis?

Give me my shit.

DISTORTED VOICE: Get
this party started.

Let's go.

Goddamn, look at that.

Oh, that's an ass for you.

Oh, girl.

So you're Ernie's wife, yeah?

Yes, I am.

Wow.

What a lucky woman.

Please.

When we first met, I thought
he was the real Ernie Hudson.

Son of a bitch didn't tell
me the truth till last year.

Wow.

Well, if it's any
consolation, he's a--

he's the best fake
Ghostbuster I know.

Well, he does make a mean--

DISTORTED VOICE:
Get out of my way.

Go, go, go.

Move over.

[retching]

What do you two do?

Um, I'm a student, and
Michael's a day trader.

How nice.

You're both conveniently
home all the time.

What the hell was that about?

I actually think
this is going to work.

To pillow fights!

To pillow fights.

OK.

To pillow fights.

I gots to pee!

I think there's
somebody in there already.

That's OK.

I don't mind
crossing the streams.

[laughter]

[hip hop music]

[knocking]

Oh!

Before I knew you,
everything was gray and cold.

But Kasey--

Oh--

But you--

I love you.

I love you.

And I'm not even
embarrassed to say it.

Why should we be embarrassed.

What-- why can't we
say it every day?

I want to go to the rooftops
and shout it out loud.

I just want to go to
the rooftops and scream.

I love my best friend, Micah!

Michael.

Whatever, man.

Boop.

Boop.

Boop.

I love you.

I love you more.

I love you--

You hang up.

You hang up.

[rooster crowing]

GIRL: Oh, what made you
take that [inaudible]??

Oh, the nurse
with the big tits?

She's an engineer.

So uh-- you're under 17, right?

GIRL: Actually, I'm 18.

What?

How did I mess that up?

I'll just close my
eyes and pretend.

[clucking]

What happened last night?

And what was in
those margaritas?

I have no idea.

I totally blacked out.

[screaming]

What in the hell?

What the shit?

Oh, shit!

What is it?

I've just been circumcised!

I didn't even get it on film!

The four of
diamonds is missing!

Wait-- here it is.

Don't touch me, man!

Last I remember, somebody
said, release the kraken!

What?

Did someone say
release the kraken?

- No.
- Oh.

Put me down, bitch, before
I kick you in the nuts.

Are you teenie?

Coochie coochie-- oh!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Someone said there's a
tiger in the bathroom!

Cover me!

Ah!

A little privacy?

I'm one under par
on this number two.

Sorry, Tiger.

I mean, Mr. Woods.

[farting]

Sorry to bother you again, but
uh-- could I get an autograph?

That's fine.
There's no problem.

I get it all the time.

What do you want me to sign?

Uh--

- Are you good?
- Yeah.

Can I get back
to my birdie here?

Sorry.

[farting]

[clapping]

Hey, guys?

Everyone, can I
get your attention?

Oh, yeah.

KASEY: Hey, everyone?

Mama.

Hey, guys?

Everyone?

Hello?

Hey!

Hi.

So did anybody see, or talk
to, or hook up with any demons

last night?

I did.

You did?

Was he cute?

Yeah.

He gave me his number.

Ooh!

That's good, right?

If a guy is interested,
he'll ask for your number.

Not the other way around.

Face it.

He's just not that into you.

Oh.

I don't get it.

He told me to call.

I hate to say this, but
you got demon dissed, bitch.

No I didn't beotch.

Just as I thought.

It's a fake number.

All right, everybody out.

[groaning]

Out.

No, no.

Hey.

Well, it looks like we
couldn't get the demon

to latch onto anybody else.

Which means that
even in my overalls,

I'm still the hottest
girl in the room.

Uh-- well, on the
positive side, I got

way more sensation in my tip.

Of my dick.

WOMAN [VOICEOVER]: I can never
find my way out of places.

Is this the way out?

No.

Not that one.

God, I hate doors.

All right, I think
this is the way to go.

Ah!

The house-- Doors.

Oh my god.

You know what?

I'm gonna just go in here.

[clattering]

Oh, shit.

The demon's still
definitely here.

Son of a bitch!

Well, he's got a point.

Excuse me?

Ever since you've
tried to help, Michael,

you've only made things worse.

I need a man who can protect me
and satisfy me in the bedroom.

And you've been 0 for 2.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I need a woman with
three breasts and no voice box,

who likes to go down on
me while I eat beef jerky

and play video games.

But you don't see
me complaining!

Kasey?

I'm listening.

I hate it when
we fight like this.

But god, that was great emotion.

Let me get it on camera.

Say that-- say that
0 for 2 thing again.

That was gold, baby.

No, Michael.

You're a shitty boyfriend.

And a shitty Filmmaker.

And that's not fair!

We can't make a sex
film if, you know,

we don't actually have sex.

Kasey?

I don't know, Michael.

Maybe it's because you're
a shitty boyfriend.

You see what I mean?

And your dick's small.

[rock music]

She's my devil.

Every night, she comes alive.

Telling me how I look inside.

All night long.

To the left, to the right.

She's alone, she's
coming home tonight.

All right.

She's my devil.

I can't believe I did
a striptease in my sleep

last night.
- Yeah.

God, I wish you moved like
that when you were awake.

I know.

I'm hot.

Hm.

BTW, still mad at you.

Hey, why'd you do that?

You can see the rest of the
footage if you forgive me.

You can't bribe me
into forgiving you.

Fine.

I forgive you.

Just fast forward to the part
where I take off my panties.

That part's really good.

Did I do our taxes?

Yeah.

You got us a pretty
hefty refund.

Check it out.

Nice work.

Michael, I'm tired of this.

Well, I told you just to
hire an accountant next year.

Come on.

No, I mean our demon issues.

So what do you want to do?

I want to talk to him.

Oh, what, you guys talk now?

You tweet back and forth?

Do you sext each other?

Is that what happened?

Michael, where's
your microphone?

Testing.

One, two, three.

Testing.

What are you doing?

So I'm going to
talk to the demon,

and then you're going
to use your computer

to analyze it, and then see
if we can hear anything.

Hey, you big dumb demon idiot.

Why are you being
such an asshole?

OK, well don't antagonize it.

Hello, Mr. Demon, sir.

If you have anything
to say, this

would be the appropriate forum.

What?

Too afraid to come out
during the daytime, pussy?

Kasey, this is pointless.

Wait, wait.

Hold on.

I think I hear something.

All right, this
program is really cool.

You can isolate and analyze
all sound frequencies.

And it makes fart noises, too.

[farting]

Just play it, Michael.

[groan]

KASEY: Did you come?
MICHAEL: Yeah.

Sorry.

Gift card?
- That's the wrong file.

Sorry.

Michael, did you
record us messing around?

I'm sorry.

Gift card?

OK, let's see if I
can isolate this.

DEMON: Where you folks from?

Is this thing on?

You ever notice the
difference between a demon

and a politician?

One is a soulless, disgusting,
pathetic wretch of a creature

with no hope of redemption.

And the other's a demon.

Ha ha ha!

Thank you very much.

I'll be here all week.

Is he doing a
stand up routine?

DEMON: And what's the
deal with airline food?

MICHAEL: What?

Too afraid to come out
during the daytime, pussy?

DEMON: Hey, dickhead.

You really do look
like a dickhead.

I don't come to your
work and heckle you.

Oh, that's right,
you a day trader.

I'm right there now.

Is he mocking me?

DEMON: Is he mocking me?
- Bastard.

DEMON: Little bitch.

This is worse than I thought.

What do you mean?

Well, it's bad
enough he's a demon.

Now he's a comedian?

What's next, a
two drink minimum?

Diabolical!

[music playing]

This demon seems to
really have it out for me.

I mean, I don't know what
I did to piss it off,

other than taunting it,
provoking it, and dating

the object of its obsession.

But that's nitpicking,
if you ask me.

And things between me and
Casey couldn't be worse.

I've started reading
cheesy romance novels just

to remember what sex is like.

I even masturbated to that
hooker's business card.

I mean, that font-- it's so hot.

The area around the bold?

I mean, come on.

On the plus side, I mean,
my film couldn't be better.

I've got great footage.

So I guess the worse my life
gets, the better my film gets.

Ha ha!

[farting]

KASEY: Now, Michael?

Yeah, yeah.

Is it on?

Yeah.

OK, great.

What's the surprise?

You'll see.

OK.

Tah-dah!

What is it?

They're virtual
reality sextacles.

Look, I got you one, too.

See?

We put them on,
and then our minds

will be transformed into this
simulated environment where

we can hopefully
reignite our sex lives.

How?

Here, come here.

So here.

You lay down right here.

OK, good.

That's good.

Next time we see
each other, we'll

be magically humping
in a magical hump

land full of yellow,
sexy "sexipedes."

Nerd.

[non-english speech]

Michael, aren't we supposed to
be in some magical jungle land?

I could only afford
the base model.

So where are we?

I'm pretty sure we're
just in our backyard.

Hey, you know you're standing
on a purple Jesus diesel?

The best stuff in town.

This a crackhouse?

This is our backyard.

You go in there
too, I'll see ya, huh?

No.

OK, whatever.

Hey, there's more
stuff over here.

- You want us to have sex here?
- Yeah, sure.

Why not.

Don't worry about that guy.

He won't bother us.
OK.

This is creepy.

I see in the stars
what we're supposed to do

is put our ponytails together
to experience the most intense

pleasure allowed
in our backyard,

which isn't actually that much.

OK.

OK.

Here we go.

OK.

Oh-- yeah.

You feel anything?

No.

It's not working.

Am I in?

Maybe you got the wrong model.

I did not.

[non-english].

I need head.

Just the tip.

Just lying there
like a dead fish.

Maybe your mom was gay?

I am not--

it's not gay.

Michael, our backyard sucks.

Let's just go inside.

Fine.

Go.

Hey, I hope we can
get our money back

on those sex avatar things.

What are you doing?

I want to get the
demon's footprints.

Maybe-- maybe it'll
tell us something.

You mean like, if we can tell
the size of the footprints,

then we could probably--
- No.

No.

Just forget it.

You know, Michael,
your persistence

and dedication to getting rid
of this demon and getting me off

really are flattering.

Well, like Ernie
said, with great booty

comes great responsibility.

Oh, booty quotes are sexy.

Say another one.

Uh, ask not what your
booty can do for you,

but what you can
do for your booty?

More.

Four score and
seven booties ago,

our forefathers brought forth
upon this nation a new booty.

Wait, let me get the camera.

No, don't stop.

Um-- I have a dream about--

Booty!

[moaning]

Oh!

Sneak attack.

Whoa!

I'm the man!

This is so good.

Yes!

I'm close!

[moaning]

[moaning]

I did it!

I made her come!

SINGER: I made her come.

I did make her come.

I made her come.

I did make her come.

I made her come!

I have tuberculosis!

OK.

I made her come!

- I got the money shot.
- Ha ha!

Money shot!

SINGER: And that's
just feeling fine.

You know she's--

I made her come!

Fuck yeah, dude!

I'm sorry.

It was just a sneeze.

What?

Wait-- But-- but--

Oh.

Well, we can try
it all over again.

I can pretend I just had the
best orgasm in the world.

I'm a really good faker.

No.

Forget it.

God, I wish you
didn't tell me that.

Oh, forget it.

[creaking]

[footsteps]

Michael!

Ah!

It's OK!

You're safe.

[shouting]

OK.

Now you're safe.

Not so fast, you damn demon!

This hurts!

Do something to distract
yourself from the pain.

Like what?

I don't know.

Read a book, or something.

I can't use my hands!

Read to me?

A little busy, you know,
trying to save your life.

It's always all about you.

Fine!

Carnal innocence, OK?

A romance novel?

Ugh.

Where'd you even
get that, Michael?

Does it matter?

I'm trying to save your life.

[shouting]

I think it's over.

Ow!

Something just smacked my ass.

[shouting]

MICHAEL: OK.

I think it's over.

KASEY: Ow!

How's your ass?

Still kind of hurts.

Jesus.

We gotta do
something about this.

The demon's getting bolder.

Can you look on Wikipedia
to see if there's anything

we can do about it on there?

[beeping]

What?

I don't know.

The demon must've taken
our wi-fi, or something.

No!

[screaming]

Can't we use our cell phones.

Yeah.

He took our phones.

[screaming]

Let's get the Xbox.

Here it is.

Oh, where was it?

Right in the bed,
where I left it.

You know, it's so weird.

That was the first
place I looked,

and then 20 minutes
later, there it is again.

You find anything?
- Mm-mm.

Not yet.
- No?

Oh.

So that's where that goes.

Michael, could you focus?

We're trying to find a
solution to our demon problem.

Hey.

Mhm?

Looks painful.

Mhm.

But in a good way.

Why don't you save that page?

Just in case.

Oh, look.

This demon possesses
animals and turns

them against their master.

This demon possesses
pregnant woman

and corrupts their baby's DNA.

Oh, wow.

This demon has possessed
millions of people

and convinced them to
actually care about what

happens to the Kardashians.

Evil.

These pages are
stuck together.

This one's called a demonatrix.

It makes bizarre
connections with people

who have sexual hang ups.

Very harmful to couples.

Well, that makes total sense.

He's trying to frame
me to make me look

like a chronic masturbator.

What-- What--

No-- No.

- Really?
- No.

No.

Then it was the demon.

And then that proves why
you're an over whacker offer.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

It was the demon.

Either way, I'm pretty
sure the sexual hang up we're

talking about is actually mine.

You?

You don't have any
sexual hang ups.

Not at all.

I can't think of any one.

[beeping]

OK.

So I haven't really told
Michael this yet, but--

I used to be into some
really freaky shit.

I mean, the kind
of things that only

a handful of people in the
whole world have ever heard of.

Like the dirty bassoon, the
lukewarm chamomile maneuver,

the sloppy rabbi.

[non-english].

But I wanted things to be
different with Michael,

you know?

Special.

The evil presence
just won't let me.

Let me tell you,
once a demon has seen

you perform a double
pronged monkey lunch,

he is hooked for life.

Michael, what do you think
the demon wants from me?

I don't know.

We should buy a Ouija
board and ask it.

No.

No, I'm not going down
that road, Michael.

Why not?
Ouija boards are perfectly safe.

No, no, no.

I mean the road on the way
to the Ouija board store.

There's so many pot holes.
- Fine.

Well, I won't buy a Ouija board.

Good.

I will use the Ouija
board app on my new iPad.

Michael.

What?

I said I wouldn't
buy a Ouija board.

Fair enough.

OK.

Then what should we ask it?

Um-- What do you want
with my girlfriend?

It's starting to move.

What's it saying?

B-O-O-T.

Boot!

- Y.
- Oh.

Booty.

Ernie was right.

Well, you can't have it!

It's mine.

Do you hear me, you damn demon?

You're just going to have to
go whack off in the corner,

like every other guy who dreamed
of going out with her for two

years, until one day you
got her drunk on mimosas,

and she surprisingly said yes.

Or something way less specific.

[gasp]

No, no, no.

Michael, Michael, Michael!
Stop.

It's not real.

It's just your Zippo app.

Wow.

That looked real.

Yeah.

What's it doing?

Does the demon have Facebook?

He has more friends than me.

Is that demon porn?

Succubus porn, to be exact.

So the female demon
seduces men in their sleep

and has sex with them.

Sucks the life force out
of him, and leads him

to eternal damnation.

Pretty hot.

Uh, no.

I know hot, and that is not hot.

I don't even know you anymore.

[whooshing]

Oh, don't tell me it's
the new disintegrate app.

Right?

Right?

Kasey?

That's like, $1,000, almost.

OK.

Come on.

Good.

Now yarn, or something.

Make it think
we're going to bed.

[yawning]

So tired.

[footsteps]

Did you hear that?

I think it's
coming from upstairs.

In the attic?

Oh, wait, no.

It's just my artificial
noise machine.

I have it set to ominous
and forboding music.

Uh-- would you
prefer rainforest?

Michael, I want
to go up there.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I think we should
get out of harm's way.

In fact, I think we
should leave this house

immediately, and stop trying to
solve this problem on our own.

I'm just kidding.

Of course we should
go up to the attic.

Here, film me.

Careful.

Dog the demon
hunter coming at you.

I'm taking you down.

Oh, shit.

There's something up there.

I'm going up.

I'm coming with you.

Fine, well you go first.

No, no, no.

Why?

Because I'm gonna
flip up your skirt.

It's not there.

[suspenseful music]

- Can you see anything?
- No.

Do you?
No, wait.

Wait.

What's that?

What's what?

[screaming]

It's just you two.

What are you doing
up in our attic?

More importantly,
do I smell coconut?

You got a good nose.

I just made a fresh
batch of pina colada.

Thanks.

I came up here to warn you.

Well, you could have
use the front door.

I tried to, but
this future crime

scene tape was covering it.

That's not good.

I was conducting a
seance for some lesbians

when the spirit of one of their
deceased friends entered me.

Was she hot?

Not my type.

Thick ankles.

Breath stank.

Apparently this
spirit knows a spirit

who knows a guardian
angel who workd

with a friend of your demon.

And?

He's an asshole.

Yeah, tell me
something I don't know.

Did you know that Tupac and
Biggie got an album coming out,

and Rick James is on the bass?

I knew that.

Anyway, the spirit says
your demon is planning

to possess you, body and soul.

Well, what about me?

He's gonna give you a Porsche,
and add 2 inches to your penis.

Really?

Hell no.

He gonna kill you, too.

Shitballs.

Not only that,
but I found this.

Wow!

Stuff from junior
high and high school.

Oh-- my first training bra.

Damn.

I lost a lot of weight
in sophomore year.

Shit.

Triple nipple.

Oh my goodness.

A letter from Tony
Landon, asking

if he can stroke my beaver.

You slut.

My beaver skin boots.

They were really soft.

And Greg McConnell, asking
if he can use my cooter.

What?

Cooters were a brand
of pencils back then.

Oh, and Ricardo Flores,
asking if he can rub my pussy.

I suppose that was your cat?

No.

And look at this.

My very first pregnancy test.

Get out.

It's wet, too.

[gasp]

Ah!

And my second pregnancy test.

You ever hear of a condom?

One of those has a positive.

Get out.

My first ball gag.

Come on!

You--

So what does this mean,
other than my girlfriend

was way cooler
before I knew her?

It's worse than I thought.

The daemon has been observing
your sexual behaviors

for years.

If he can successfully
merge his evil

with the power of
your nasty freakiness,

there's no telling
what he could do.

Why were you-- you didn't
tell me you were such a pervert.

Shit.

Michael, I wanted to tell you.

But I wanted things
to start fresh.

I didn't want you
to know you were

dating the kind
of girl who would

use a cheese grater on her--

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm gonna leave you two
alone to discuss whatever

it is you need to discuss.

I'm going down to
the kitchen, alone.

In the dark, where
all the knives are.

OK.

And did I mention
there's a demon

in the house trying to kill us?

Yeah, you did.

I got--

[screaming]

You scared the crap
out of us, Ernie!

I know!

You shoulda seen the
looks on your faces.

Dammit.

[coughing]

- Oh my god.
- Oh my god.

Are you OK?

Michael, he's choking.

Ernie!

I got you again!

Son of a bitch!

I almost crapped myself, man.

Yeah!

Oh, god.

[zapping]

[laughter]

Good one.

This guy is so good.

That is very realistic.

Wait, wait, wait.

Shh.

Oh god, the wire's been severed.

Babe, I think he
was electrocuted.

Oh my god.

The demon killed him.

The demon killed Ernie.

To the very best fake
Ghostbuster I've ever known.

How ironic that you've
died by the very thing

that you've dedicated
a lifetime to.

Busting.

Busting.

Hey, do you think
if we called his wife,

she'd come pick him up?
- No, there's no time.

We need a plan.

OK.

And Michael?

I'm going to give
myself to the demon.

What?
Why would you do that?

I think if I gave myself
freely, he'd spare your life.

No.

No, come on.

I have an idea.

Here.

Film me.

Come on.
OK.

Watch out.

OK.

It's all right.

All right.

What the hell?

How the hell did this get here?

It was just in the attic.

Oh, shit.

Kasey?

We gotta find something.

Kasey, are you filming this?

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Hey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Son of a bitch.

Kasey?
Kasey!

No!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Shit.

I don't even want to
know what that is.

Kasey.

Oh, god.

Thank god you're alive.

Wait, your eyes.

They're green.
Oh my god.

No, no, no, no, no--

Michael?

My eyes have always been green.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Oh my god.

Babe, I thought you were dead.

Or worse.

The last thing
I can remember was

stepping into a green light.

Do you remember anything else?

No.

Oh-- well, there was that
earth-shattering ecstasy.

Oh.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

It was the most
intense orgasm ever.

Are you saying you
had sex with the demon?

His name is David.

And he knows all
the right places.

This is unbelievable.

I want you tested
for AIDS, syphilis,

the clap, the trap, the crabs.
All of this.

Right now.
- Relax.

It didn't mean anything.

I still love you.

Did he have a
big, demonic dick?

Michael, it's not
the size of the want.

It's the evil inside of it.

Well, fine.
You can have it.

I'm going to take
my slightly larger

than average, non-evil
penis out of here, OK?

No, Michael.
Don't go.

And you can take this
stupid book with you, too,

with all these weird sex
demon positions in it,

to please your boyfriend.

Michael-- wait, what is that?

To detach a demonatrix
from its host,

it must witness
someone making out.

Demonatrixes, like hookers,
are confused and repulsed

by sensual kissing and intimacy
that springs from true love.

There's our solution.

It says it must
stem from true love.

Do you still love me?

Yeah.

Yes, Michael, just
think about this

as a-- an early bachelorette.

I got the best sex of
my life out of the way,

and now I'm ready to settle for
a lifetime of mediocre at best

sex with you.

Gee, you really know how
to pump up a guy's ego, huh?

Come on.

Let's just do this.

Wait, wait, it says detatching
the demonatrix from its host

will cause a rift in the
universe's sexy time continuum,

and is very unpleasant to watch.

OK, so we'll just have to not
stop kissing, no matter what.

No matter what.

OK.

Wait.

Are you ready?
- Yeah.

I'm ready.
- OK.

Oh, wait.

Hold on.

You should know that, um--

I orally pleased David, so
don't mind the funky taste, OK?

What?

Pick it up, Michael.

Right hand, yellow.

What the hell is Precious
doing in our living room?

I don't know.

Left, blue.

Drumstick.

Michael, I'm confused.

Do it, or I'll eat you!

Something's not right.

There's something in my pocket.

I knew it!

I'm Jewish, and we're
in a dream right now.

Yes!

That means our bodies
are really in the attic.

Kiss me!

Nobody loves me!

This is a weird dream.

Yeah.

You know, like those dreams
when you can't run fast?

Yes.

Slow.

Oh, shit.

We have to keep
kissing, so we can

get out of this dream layer.

OK.

Let's do it.

I think it's over.

Oh, thank God.

Did you get any footage?

You're damn right I did.

I got the best paranormal
footage ever caught on tape.

It's all right here on my--

what the hell?

Something stole my memory card.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Did you see anything?

No.

I was reloading the
camera in case I do.

What's that/

It's a movie clap slate.

It's not mine, though.

It says "The Lovers I Live
With," directed by David.

Ugh.

What's up, kiddies?

Holy crap.

Who the hell are you?

My name is David.

I'm a demon, second class.

Well, third class now that
I'm detached from you.

My boss isn't gonna like this.

Where'd you get that camera?

Bad Buy.

I was tired of borrowing
yours all the time,

so I possessed the sales dude
into giving me a huge discount,

plus an extended warranty.

Why have you
been tormenting us?

I'm so sorry.

It's the job.

The demon's skill set
is kind of narrow.

Possess and kill.

That's about it.

But why me?

I've always had a fascination
with photography and sex.

I picked you out years ago as
the perfect subject to fill,

but I never had the
means to shoot anything.

It was only when Michael
brought a camera into the house

that I decided now was the time.

I may be a demon, but what I
really want to do is direct.

This is unbelievable.

You terrorized us,
you killed Ernie,

and now you want to make
a porn with my girlfriend.

Come away with me
and beat my star.

We can accomplish
things in erotic film

together that perverts and
deviants have only dreamed of.

Get out of my house!

Michael, wait.

I want to go with him.

What?

Ever since he
touched me, he opened

a whole new Pandora's box.

Pun intended.

I never knew orgasms
could be so intense, and--

disgustingly putrid,
but in a good way.

But I love you.

I love you too, Michael,
and I always will.

But he does have a pretty
fabulous demon dong.

But--

Goodbye, Michael.

Later, bitch.

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Could you say that line again?

That was pretty good.

Later, bitch.

Great.

Thanks, man.

SINGER: I didn't know,
and I didn't even

think I need to know.

Crazy as it is, my burning
heart will make me glow.

When I see you, when you
pass by, when I see you--

Son of a bitch.

SINGER: I'm running
fast, and I didn't think.

I can't stand still.

The movement of your
hand fills me with--

with a bliss.

When I see you--

I can't believe it.

My attic footage was stolen, and
Kasey chose the demon over me.

SINGER: I never
thought it would come

true when standing next to you.

[shouting]

SINGER: I never thought
it would come true.

Fuck!

Michael, I tripped over
your stupid blow up doll.

She's not stupid!

Let's go, babe.

My Viagra's about to kick
in, and we've got a long trip

through the portals of Hell.

Oh, with you along, we
could take the carpool lane.

You take Viagra?

I'm 300,000 years old.

What do you expect?

Michael, as I was slowly
walking up the staircase,

I had a long time to think.

And there are more important
things in life than sex.

There are?

I mean, yes, there are.

I'm willing to
sacrifice the happiness

of my vagina for my heart's.

That is so romantic.

Sorry, David.

I'm staying with Michael.
- You gotta be kidding me.

- You have to find another star.
- Why?

Why?

How am I ever going to find
someone to replace you?

Hello?

Um, does anyone know
which way is out?

I've been wandering
around this house forever.

Damn.

How'd you like to be a star?

Yeah.

Let's go.

I'm so glad you've
come back to me.

Don't worry.

I promise to make your heart and
your vagina happy from now on.

Starting now.

Here.

- Oh--
- Wait.

Wait.

Say that thing about your
heart and vagina again.

That was really,
like, Oscar worthy.

Sure.

I'm willing to
sacrifice the happiness

of my vagina for my heart's.

Great.

Do you mind?

Sure.

I thought you
left with a demon?

He told me to
meet him outside,

but I could not find the door.

Damn.

This is the shit.

Wait.

We're smoking shit?

Man, you're dumb.

I'll take that
as a compliment.

What does anybody film on
this piece of shit camera?

[music playing]

Swag out, looking so fresh.

Trying to compete
with a big ol' breast.

Everybody's like this.

You would think I'm high
from the way I blow hits.

When you see me, make a wish.

I'm that shooting star, looking
hard [inaudible] from the TV.

[inaudible] on my wrist.

With the red, red lips.

Red on the bottom.

Red on the Ferrari,
don't worry, I got 'em.

Socks on my rocks cause
I'm causing a problem.

Got 'em waiting for me, so
they sitting on the bottom.

I'm the business.

I do my thing.

I run this shit.

Y'all know my name.

I'm the business All up in
the club with the bass so low,

I'm giving her the business.

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you the [inaudible].

Chump change, some pose.

And I see it, I buy it, no
matter what the cost is.

I see them waving,
and I'm watching.

Diamonds on my neck.

You see the flakes
when I'm frosting.

I'm in the lake
with a boat, house

on the beach, five star resort.

Stacks, feeling my swag.

I'm sick of being driven,
so I fly in aircrafts.

Take a flight to the other side.

Pack yours.

Worldwide.

Rick James.

I'm looking so rich, bitch.

I'm the goddamn business.

I'm the business.

I do my thing, I run this shit.

Y'all know my name.

I'm the business.

All up in the club
with the bass so low,

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you the--

Money talks.

You can tell from the walk.

Bring it to the table, I'm hot.

I'm the business.

Shut up when I speak.

Everybody, rise to your feet.

Money talk,s you can
tell from the walk.

Bring it to the table, I'm hot.

I'm the business.

Shut up when I speak.

Everybody, rise to your feet.

I'm the business.

I do my thing, I run this
shit, y'all know my name.

I'm the business.

All up in the club,
with the bass so low,

I'm giving her the business.