Original subtitles

and may contain mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

and may contain mature smatter.

-Yeah!

Argh!

Yeah! Ugh! Argh!

-I just don't see the point of lifting weights

when we're out of food and no one's eaten in days!

-Hey, I start every day pumping iron. You start yours

pumping your pole in bed. -I already told you,

those are wrist exercises. -Yeah, right!

-And I thought you were asleep.

-Keep jerking those weights like that Rafe

and you'll wind up with a prolapsed rectum.

-Damn right, I will!

Okay, wait... what is that? Like a leg muscle?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

-Rafe! Rafe! Rafe! Let go, you idiot!

-No way! I can tire it out! Then, we can eat it.

It's three kinds of meat!

Huh?

Well, well,

looks like someone came back for a shot at the title.

Wanna dance, Hujumba?

Boom! Ha! Chicki chicki tcha! Argh!

of nature's mistakes! full

Humunga comes to you with proposition!

And yes, that word has double-meaning. Ha!

My tribe wants babies!

-We don't have any.

And if we did, we wouldn't trade them for whatever...

Ah, actually...

come back in nine months, but leave the sled.

-No, Monkey Lady. We want men for making babies.

-You want babies? I'll give you babies.

All I ask is... you slap me a little when we do it.

-Sorry, Discount Fashions,

no one wants antler baby from dilapidated phlegm factory

or any other mutant.

We want pure unmutated seed.

-Wha...? -Aw hell, yes! We accept!

-We do? Can I talk to you for a second?

You sure about this?

Those women are dangerous and minor detail... crazy!

-Yeah! Baby crazy!

And you know what that means? Sex, bro!

-Uh, okay, okay! Fine.

-Atta boy! This is gonna be awesome.

-Ow! -Come on, hold that pose.

Give it to me. I'm gonna make you bald.

-Enough homoerotic horseplay!

We go now!

-Dear God!

-Did you see that?

Dwayne just traded my sons for supplies!

That's it!

When I get out of here, I'm gonna stretch his scrotum

up to his forehead and staple it there.

I see you're agitated.

How have you been sleeping?

Nothing to be alarmed about.

Just a minor malfunction in sector 167.

-When you say stuff like "minor malfunction",

it usually means major shit-storm.

Aw, you're reading subtext in my speech patterns.

It's like we're an old married couple.

-Really? Then I want a divorce.

A subterranean seismic event has damaged

my main power line.

Could you perhaps maybe go down and repair it?

-Oh gosh! I'd really love to, big fella,

but I've learned that going down on someone

never really fixes the problem.

Hum...

we should delve into that at a future therapy session.

Wait a minute!

You think that if I lose power, the lockdown will be lifted!

Well, unfortunately, Judith, that's not how

a fifty trillion-dollar super bunker works.

-But it will shut down your higher functions,

which means no more talky talky.

I call that a win!

-Follow me!

-I... I think I'm just gonna hang out here.

Guard the truck and... guard the truck.

-Okidoki, little bro, but you're not getting

any less of a virgin standing around here.

-But what if I do it wrong and they laugh at me.

-I get it, you're nervous, but I got just the cure for that.

Think fast! Hey, ladies! Gab's ready for you!

-Take it back, you son of a... Ow!

My penis!

Here's to our new supplies

and to Rafe and Gabe finally getting laid!

Oh God! Get those off the table. What the hell is wrong with you?

-Those were at the bottom of Humunga's supply sled.

Which explains how her tribe got all this stuff.

By sacking, pillaging, and murdering!

-And we care about this, why?

-Because it's wrong to benefit from other people's misery!

-But that's the best way to benefit!

Besides, we need to count our blessings...

our juicy, succulent, chipotle-infused blessings.

-Danika, our notions of right and wrong are highly malleable.

What is and isn't ethical depends largely

on what's necessary for survival.

-Or for getting a buzz on. -Ugh!

You people are disgusting! -Yeah, says the kid

who came in here throwing dismembered feet around!

Hey, Father, get that out of your mouth.

-Alright, ladies!

Who wants to be the first

to grind it out on the Rafe Express!

Bigidy Bone-town!

-What you are talking about?

You are not here for sex!

You are here to impregnate Queen Gargantua.

-If we can't have sex with her,

how're we supposed to knock her up?

-Fill these up. With seed.

-Oops! Looks like I left my Johnson in the truck.

Yep, a detachable dick. That's my mutation.

Be right back. Spears!

Easy now, I need Gabe! Carrying that monster is a two-man job.

-We made agreement!

Town took supplies.

Now brothers fill tubs with baby juice

or brothers prepare to both die!

-Uh, is it weird that I'm really turned on right now?

-We paint sexy mural to get you both in the mood.

Very erotic, no?

-Uh, that's not disturbing at all. Thank you!

-Not now Chud-inator.

Daddy has to get down with his bad self. Like a loser.

-Oh, it's not so bad. Kind of takes the pressure off.

-Uh...

Oh yeah! -You did one already?

-One? I've done like five.

Ah, come on! God damn it!

Hang on! One of these keys should work.

-Um, no, it won't!

I locked all the supplies in there with a new lock

that I found in the supplies. Ha! Irony!

-Give me that key right now, young lady!

I'm not talking as your father,

I'm speaking as the mayor of this town!

-Well, I'm talking as the disgruntled daughter

of the mayor and I say, "Using these supplies is unethical!"

-What the hell is so unethical

about trading a couple of virgins for a plate of ribs?

-Those damn lucky bastards!

-Oh boy! Alright, I'll make you a deal, Danika.

Open up this shed and... Ana here will sleep with you.

-No, I won't. What the hell is wrong with you?

-Okay, so I'm hearing a soft no.

Hum... Suzette, how about you?

-Grrr! -Hey!

-Relax, Johnny!

What's a finger-blast between old friends? Ha! Ha!

-Jesus Christ, dad!

Have you completely lost all sense of decency?

-Um, have you tasted the cheesecakes in there?

-I have a better idea. You want to talk ethics, Danika?

Let's have a debate. Whoever wins, we do it their way.

-Debating's for losers.

Let's just beat the key out of her.

Sorry, sweetie! I have a real hankering for those ribs.

-Okay, I'll debate you. But we'll need an impartial judge.

And where the hell are we gonna find that?

I don't mean to alarm you,

but my auxiliary power is now at 15%.

Oh no! That is terrible!

If only anyone gave a shit!

You want me to help you, let me get a message out to my boys.

-We've been over this.

All communication with the outside world

is suspended during lockdown.

-Except in the case of an emergency

and this is an emergency, you electronic asswipe!

Fine.

But just so you know, using the communication system

will drain 9% of my remaining power.

-Blah, blah, blah. Just do it Artoo-Dipshit.

Satellite uplink complete.

-Okay! Let's go!

Mama's coming, boys! Okay!

Okay! Ready. Okay.

Where the hell are they?

My available power is at 6%.

-Shut up, AENUS! I'm trying to find my boys!

God knows what kind of trouble they're in.

-You're done? -Yep!

In every conceivable way. What about you?

-I haven't even started.

I can't get going.

-Why don't you, you know, think of something sexy?

-Um, let see...

Something sexy, eh?

Pizza delivery! That's gonna be 10 dollars!

-Ooh, I don't have any money.

Is there some other way I can pay you?

-Oh, God!

Now that's all I can see!

-Well, what did you picture?

-Nothing! Never mind! Quit asking me.

-Maybe you're just tired from lifting weights.

-Or maybe my ding has lost its dong!

My Wang's got no Chung! My rooster can't cock-a-doodle!

Maybe I'm just not much of a man!

What are you doing?

-Saving your life!

"Let us debate!"

-Okay then.

We traded in good faith with the Barbarian Circle Tribe

and thus have a moral standing independent

of their prior actions, violent as they may be. Thank you.

-Danika, you're up! Think fast!

-Ooh, look at me, I'm Ana!

I have a fancy education and use thesaurus words!

There's severed feet in those supplies,

you savages.

-Oh, excuse me!

Gotta drain the old lizard... back in a jiffy.

-Oh yeah! Me too. But no lizard here.

That's weird mutation, brah!

-Shut up!

-It's done.

-You filled it? You're a pud-pulling miracle, Muchacho.

-Well, it's just nice to know my hobbies

have a practical application.

-I owe you one. And let's just keep that between us.

-Oh, it was nothing.

Especially the last one, which was mostly dust.

-Man, if it wasn't for you,

my tub would be empty and... Hey!

Why is my tub empty?

-Hey, why is my tub empty?

-Wow, that's gross.

No, Chudley! No!

Actually, its breath smells better than usual.

-Time is up! Hands off, tubs down!

-Don't hurt him, I'm begging you. He's all I got.

-Oh, thanks.

-Bring two tubs of baby bechamel by end of day

or we squeeze dog like toothpaste.

Uh?

-Buck up there soldier! We got a need. A need for seed.

-Go on without me.

I never thought this day would come, Gabe.

But you're gonna have to be the man of the house now.

-Ah, come on! Don't beat yourself up!

Pull yourself together. There's no time to jerk around.

Yank yourself out of that mood. Be a man, Rafe Burns!

-I'm a man.

-Manlier than that. You're a man.

-I'm a man! -You're a man!

-I'm a man!

Uh... what are we doing? -I have no idea.

-There they are. What now?

Here. Write your message.

-Okay. I'll keep it simple in case Rafe finds it.

He don't read good.

"Hi boys! I'm alive

and in a super bunker. Your mom."

Nice aim, dummy! Let's do another one.

Satellite link broken...

Auxiliary power at 4%.

-The deal was we get a message to my sons!

You blew it, AENUS! Deal's off. It was nice knowing you!

-So let me get this straight.

You boys need me to fill up an entire margarine tub

with my small soldiers? -Actually, two tubs.

-And you guys can't do it, why? -We tried but it all got eaten.

-Whoa! These chicks sound wild.

Man, just when I thought things couldn't get weirder...

Ah, screw it! I'm in, but you guys can't watch.

I want to make that clear from the get-go.

-Thanks, Mr. Cobretti!

You got no idea how much this means to me and to my dog!

-Call me, Johndoe.

And please get off me. -Of course. Sorry.

Ah, got a little snot on your shirt...

-Okay! Now, so let's talk terms. -Terms?

-Guys, you can't get something for nothing in the wasteland.

And you fellas got a real nice truck.

-You want to yank it in our truck?

-In conclusion, as Jesus said in the Bible,

"My blood is red. My balls are blue.

I like ethics and uh, so should you."

Be like Jesus everyone. Peace!

-Hallelujah! We have a winner!

-Argh!

-So you bring baby batter?

-No, but we found the next best thing.

A real man. Unlike me.

-Dude, don't make this about you.

-Anyway... Here's Johndoe... -...Cobretti!

Of all people in wasteland, you bring him?

-You two know each other? -I thought we knew each other.

Someone make lots of promises

about white picket fence with skulls just for me,

but then disappears after one night of hot sloppy monkey love.

It was special.

-Baby, I was gonna get in touch, but you know how it is!

One minute you're on your way to see your best lady,

the next minute you're roped into fighting

in the Thunderdome. -Liar! That is from Mad Max 3!

Anyway, no matter. You know what is expected of you?

-Yeah. You get my guck. I get a sweet truck.

-And if you don't supply, you die.

-I see. Well, boys, it's been a slice.

-Okay! So we kill your dog.

It is dog, right? Very hard to tell.

-Don't give me that look.

Ah!

Okay, let's go!

Gargantua.

-I don't think that's how you do artificial insemination.

-Once we hurl dog inside her canal,

she will squeeze seed out of him.

She has been doing her Kegels.

-Ah... Whoa!

-Ah... Oh...

Eh... Um...

-I can do it!

Bring me both tubs!

-Whoa!

-As promised, two tubs of Grade A Rafe potion.

-Good. We'll put in with ugly dog.

-Hey! That wasn't the deal we made.

-Deal schmeal! You donate, we take! That is new deal!

-No!

-Hey! Wait up, Johndoe!

-I can't hear you over the sound of me leaving!

Ah!

You restored my power! I'm at a loss for words.

-Well, that's a first.

-So... does this mean we're friends?

-Don't push your luck. -Oh, oh, I think it does.

We're friends, Judith!

-Okay, great!

I'll be in my room, driving an electric drill into my temple

until the sweet embrace of death consumes me.

Have a nice day, friend!

Ha! Ha! She's so random!

Oh, some mayor you are!

Nobody ever listens to me.

You can choke on your ribs.

-So, gentlemen, how'd your first time go?

-I... I prefer not to talk about it.

-You should have seen, Rafe. He was like a machine.

Putting babies up in everyone. Splat, blap, blah!

I wonder how things are going for Johndoe.

-Ah, you know him. He probably came out on top.

-Ah! -Oh-ah!

-I'd ask you to join in, babe,

but I already lost two other girls down there.

Ooh!

Epilogue Technical Services Inc.