All language subtitles for Were.the.Millers.2013.HI.EXTENDED.720p.BluRay.x264-SPARKS

MAN [ON COMPUTER]:
Oh, my God...

...it's full-on double rainbow all
the way across the sky!

Whoa!

Oh, my God! oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Whoo!

What does this mean?

It's so bright.

Oh, my God, it's so bright and vivid.

It's starting to look
like a triple rainbow.

Oh!

Going streaking across the quad!

[MAN LAUGHING]

MAN:
Coochie, coochie, coochie!

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

DAVID:
Yeah. No, I know. Uh-huh.

No, I'm not. I'm not.
No, I'm paying attention.

Mom, I'm listening. Just talk.

- Tyrone.
- Are you going trick-or-treating?

- No, because...
- Pow!

[BUZZES]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[BABY SPITS UP]

[BABY CRYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I'm in the car. I'm literally in the car.

David, hey. David Clark.

Rick Nathanson.

- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Little Ricky. We went to college together.

Oh, shit. Hey, dude.

We all took ecstasy at Dave Matthews
one time and I tried to kiss you.

That's right. I remember that. Yeah.

Yeah. "Crash."

Yup.

Wow. I didn't recognize you.
You look very different.

I've gained a little bit of daddy weight.

You know the drill.

Actually, I don't, no.

- No way. No way! Still a free agent.
- Mm.

You son of a bitch!
You lucky son of a bitch.

You lucky, lucky son of a bitch.
Wow, that's amazing. Wow.

Here. For old times' sake, huh?

For daddy stress.

You're still dealing weed?

Best in Denver.

That's fucking awesome. Oh, my God.

That is so cool.

- You're still at it.
- Yeah.

- I envy you, man. I do.
- Ah.

Look at you. No wife, no kids.

- No responsibilities.
- Mm-hm.

Pfft, nothing. You got nothing.

You could disappear tomorrow
and who'd even know?

- Oh, what I wouldn't give.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, I didn't mean
that in like, I mean...

No. It's all right. It doesn't bother me.
It's all right.

- Great seeing you.
- Great seeing you.

Okay, bud, I believe in you.

- Hey, David?
- Yeah?

- Facebook me. We'll get weird.
- I don't think so.

- Ha, ha! Get out of here.
- Good luck with the family.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, fuck. Fuck me. Fuck.
Hey, great news.

We're gonna get high and fuck tonight.

I'm sorry, honey.
Put Mommy on the phone, okay?

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[NATALIA KILLS' "PROBLEM"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

I'm-a take my skirt, boot, rings
All off

Skirt, boots, rings All off

Ooh, baby, you so bad, boy
Drive me mad, boy

You don't care what they
Say about me

Girl is a problem
Girl is a problem, problem

Wow.

- You dance super good.
- Thanks.

I'm Kymberly. With a Y.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm Rose. With an R.

Is that your stage name?

- My what?
- Your stage name.

To protect yourself from the creeps
out there. You should pick one.

You know, something simple but sexy
and cute and short, maybe.

- Do you have a nickname?
- Totally!

Great. Use that, because...

I even got a tattoo of it.
Do you wanna see?

Uh, well, n...

KYMBERLY:
Check it out.

ROSE:
"Boner Garage." Oh, whoa.

You got a little arrow there even.

Is that not like the hottest?

Boner Garage, you're up.

Oh, look at that. So excited and
full of life. That'll fade.

Hey, Rose. I know you're "technically" on
break, but I need a lap dance. Table five.

Just don't get too close.
The guy has two hook hands.

[SIGHS]

How did we let that guy back in here?

Must have picked the locks. Ha, ha!

[SIGHS]

How was work this evening?

ROSE:
What do you care?

I'm just asking.

ROSE:
Oh, just don't.

Fine. Well, is your dummy boyfriend around?

No. Jimmy's with his parents. Why?

Well, because Jimmy still owes me
400 bucks, so...

Maybe you shouldn't loan drugs
to people.

- All right. Good tip.
- Mm-hm.

I was thinking is that maybe you
could help him out, settle his debt.

- Not a fucking chance.
- You'd be doing me a solid, neighbor.

Oh, really? Neighbor?
You're not a neighbor.

You're a drug dealer whose apartment
smells like cheese and feet.

Mm. Yeah, it's a candle
I got from Anthropologie.

Cheesy Feet. That's what they call it.
It's a bestseller.

Oh, Rose, got a piece of your mail here.

I'd lend you some money,
but we're not neighbors.

Oh, you're such a dick!

Have fun dying alone, jerk.

Have fun digging out the singles
from your crotch.

ROSE:
My crotch only takes 20s, David.

Hey, David.

- Hi, Kenny.
- I heard you and Mrs. O'Reilly fighting.

It's called flirting, Kenny.
You'll learn about it in college.

What are you doing up?
It's almost 2. Where's your mom?

- Uh, she went for a drink. With a friend.
- When?

Last week.

Uh, so I got the whole place to myself.

Yeah. Rolling Han Solo
for the weekend.

DAVID:
Mm-hm.

Um, speaking of rolling,
I was wondering if...

- I don't sell to kids, Kenny.
- I'm 18. I'm gonna get my own place soon.

Not a kid, David.

Yeah, you are. Take care.

CASEY:
Give me my fucking phone.

- You guys are such assholes.
MAN 1: Hey, baby.

Leave her alone.

MAN 1: Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
KENNY: Unhand her.

Hey, leave her alone.

[GRUNTS]

Goddamn it, Kenny.

- Fucking tough guy Huh?
MAN 2: You don't have to...

DAVID:
Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Easy, easy. What's going on here?

- Mind your fucking business, old man.
- Oh, my God. You're a dude. Ha, ha!

That scared me. Your voice was so much
deeper than your bone structure.

These assholes are trying
to steal my iPhone.

You have an iPhone?
Aren't you homeless?

So? Fuck you, dude.

Okay, this was fun. Carry on.

- Come on, let's go.
- What? No.

These guys are picking on her
and it's not fair.

What you gonna do, white boy?
You some type of hero?

Not a hero. He's a dumb kid.

I got an idea. Leave the girl alone.
Just move along. Huh, what do you say?

- "Move along"?
DAVID: Yeah.

- What are you, some kind of cop?
- He's not a cop. He's actually really cool.

- Thanks.
- He's a drug dealer.

- Really?
- Goddamn it, Kenny.

Give me your backpack.

I don't wanna fight.

Well, there's not gonna be a fight.
See, you either give me the backpack...

...or I'm gonna stab you in the neck
and take it.

[WHISTLES]

It's a real Sophie's choice here, huh?
All right.

Okay, backpack it is.

If you wa...

Run, Kenny!

MAN 1:
You're dead meat!

Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone.
Are we still going out tonight or what?

Fucking shit! Shit!

[MAN 2 LAUGHS]

Oh, shit.

Sorry. This is fucking dumb.

[GROANS]

MAN 1:
Whoa-ho-ho, motherfucker.

- We got you now.
- Uhh!

MAN 1: Do whatever's in the safe too.
MAN 2: Look at that.

DAVID: It's not even my money.
If you take that my boss will kill me.

KENNY: You okay, David?
I can help. I'll call the cops.

No, I'm okay.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

DAVID:
Hey!

Whoa, what the...! Uhh!

MAN: When Mr. Brad calls, you answer!
Get in there!

DAVID: Please don't tell me
where we're going. I love surprises.

- All right. Okay.
- Can I help you?

DAVID:
Hi. You ordered two black guys.

Oh. Okay. This guy.

No. David Clark here
to see Mr. Gurdlinger, please?

I'll tell him you're here.
Can I get you something?

Coffee. Tea. Fresca.

DAVID:
Hmm.

You know what,
a Fresca sounds really good.

- You got it.
DAVID: Appreciate it.

Hold on one second.
You guys want anything? It's on me.

Replenishes electrolytes.

Don't want you cramping up
when you jerk each other off.

Nice meeting you.

Easy.

Easy. Oof!

Okay. I'm gonna hang out here
if that's all right.

Oh, thank you for that.
That's very helpful.

Oh! David Clark.

You're a hard man to find.
Take it easy on the plastic.

Whoa, Brad, what the fuck is this?

Look, man, I was gonna call you back.
Do not kill me.

- I got robbed, okay. I swear.
BRAD: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you...? What...?

Oh, the plastic?

Yeah, the plastic.

I've seen Dexter.

Buddy, I'm putting in a new skylight,
you idiot. Ha, ha.

You should have seen your face just now.
You shit a brick.

Well, what am I supposed to think, man?

You've got these thugs throwing a bag
over my head. Come on.

I'm sorry about that.
I didn't mean to freak you out.

- It's fine.
- You do know I've killed people though?

Yeah, Brad, I know.

Ha-ha. All right, have a seat.

DAVID:
Whoa, what the fuck is that?

What? Oh, my orca?
Yeah, I bought an orca.

[SIGHS]

I make a lot of money.

DAVID:
So you bought a whale?

Well, I don't like sports cars.

- Yeah, yeah.
- So where's my money, David?

Come on, man. We go back.

We do go back.
But it's not college anymore.

We're not selling lids out of my dorm room.

And you owe me $43,000.

I told you, I got robbed, Brad.
They took everything I had, man.

This week's drop, 22 grand
of my money that I'd saved. I'm fucked.

Listen, this is a fucked-up situation.
But I might have a win-win for both of us.

- Great.
- I have a smidge of very choice...

...mari-ju-ana down in Mexico...

...and I need it here by Sunday night.

My regular courier is out
because he got gunned down.

That's where you come in.

You could be my mule.
I need someone I can trust.

Go to Mexico, bring it back by Sunday
night, not only will I forgive your debt...

...I will pay you
a standard courier fee of $100,000.

You're gonna give me 100 grand to move
a smidge across the border?

Smidge and a half. It's nothing.

Dude, I got rolled
by the fucking cast of Annie.

I come walking in here and you ask me
to be an international drug dealer.

This is easy money, David.
All you gotta do is pop down to Mexico...

...go to this address, tell them you're
there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.

- Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
- I am.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH THEN CHUCKLES]

You don't get respect from Mexicans
when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

I mean, that's white in any language.
See? Big Bad Brad thought of everything.

I don't know. I don't think so, man.
This is way out of my league.

It's a federal crime.

If I try to cross the border with more
than a pound, you're talking like, um...

Twenty-five years in Mexican prison.
If you get a happy judge.

Yeah. Jeez. Not good.

- Although, you're forgetting one thing.
- What?

You don't have a fucking choice.

KENNY: So now you're gonna become
an even bigger drug dealer?

Drug smuggler, Kenny.
There's a difference.

You're probably gonna get
searched at the border.

No offense, you look like
a total drug dealer.

- No shit. Thanks, dude.
- You could wear a disguise.

- What?
- A disguise.

That's what I thought. A disguise.

I dress up. What's the hot
Halloween outfit these days?

Bane from Batman? Someone like that?
Wear something over my face?

[AS BANE] There's no drugs in here.
You've got nothing to worry about.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Great idea.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, pardon me. Hi.

Hate to bug you, but I'm trying to get the
fam to the zoo and I'm lost as all heck.

Fuck off, real-life Flanders.

It's my fault. When it comes to reading
maps, I sure can be an old flibbertigibbet.

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

Hey. No parking here, sir.

Perfect. Fucking tourists.

Oh, jeez. I'm awful sorry, officer.

I don't know which way is up around here.

No problem.
Our city can get confusing sometimes.

MAN:
Trying to find our way to the zoo.

It's two blocks up that way,
take a left, two blocks...

Holy fucking shit.

Thank you, dickheads.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Hey little lady, don't you say maybe

Rose, the guy at the bar asked for you
by name.

Treat him nice.

Baby, I'ma show you how to

MAN:
Yeah!

Hi. I'm Rose.

- Hi. Hi.
- What...? Oh, please. No.

- No, Rose. Hey, Rose, Rose.
- No, no, no, no.

- Please. Listen to me.
- Duh, duh, duh, duh.

Ch-ch-ch-chuh.

You asshole.

Don't worry. You don't have
to get naked and all that stuff.

- Unless you want to, you know. Oof!
- Mm-hm.

- Fuck.
- What do you want?

How would you like to spend 4th of July
weekend making 10 grand?

- What?
- Rose, listen.

All I'm asking is that you
go to Mexico with me.

All right? And then we drive home together
in an RV.

ROSE:
Mm-hm.

- And that RV has some pot in it.
- Drug dealing?

No, it's not drug dealing. It's not.
No, it's smuggling.

- Are you out of your mind?
- Rose, listen to me.

Now, me crossing the border by myself,
huge red flag. Huge, all right?

But families,
they don't get a second look.

So, Rose, I need you to be my wife.

That is the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

Look, Rose, 10,000 bucks,
and your flight's already paid for.

You can't buy me.

I'm not buying you, all right?
I'm renting you.

ROSE:
Hmm.

Like Pretty Woman.

Pretty Woman?
She was a prostitute.

And I don't trust you.

- What did she say?
- What the fuck do you think? She said no.

Cool. So I guess it's just us, then. A little
father and son bonding trip to Mexico.

Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van?
It'll look like the pervert Olympics.

No way. Absolutely not.
No, we need a girl.

And unless you can think of someone
that can leave town tomorrow, I'm fucked.

I know a girl.

I don't get it. What's in it for me?

I'm thinking a roof over your head, some
actual hot food. That'd be good enough.

I'm thinking 1000.

Fine, 1000 bucks, but that's it.

Great. And if we get caught I'll say you
drugged and kidnapped me. Cool?

Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, that's fine.
But that's it.

Kenny, meet your new sister.

This is great. I've always wanted a sister.

- Get it off me. Get it off! Get off!
- Hey, come on. Let go.

- Come on. We gotta clean you up.
- What's wrong with you?

- Don't say that.
- I didn't mean to make her uncomfortable.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Wild child

MAN:
Boner Garage!

Going all out Going for broke

Oh, great. Rose, I'm glad I caught you.

I wanted to go over a couple
of minor policy changes...

- ...that we have here at the club.
- Like what?

TODD: Like, I want you to start having sex
with the customers for money.

What? That's totally illegal, Todd.

Come on, what are you gonna do?

I gotta stay competitive with those
fuckers who opened up across the street.

You mean the Apple Store?

Yeah, and they're killing us.

Oh, God.

That's it. I can't do it. I quit.

Did you hear the good news?

Now we get to fuck the customers
for money.

- Wha...?
- Boner Garage loves it.

I'm out of here. I am out of here.
I quit.

Fuck.

Fuck.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

So, Casey, I guess it's nice for you
to get your hair cut.

Being homeless and all...

I'm not homeless, fucktard. I have a home.
But I left because my parent...

Shut up, okay? Please. I don't need
to hear your hard-luck backstory right now.

I rented Precious on Netflix eight months
ago and I still haven't watched the thing.

Here. You know what?

Just give me a little peace and quiet
and buy yourself some new clothes.

You know, the kind of stuff that loved
children wear. Not this garbage.

All right? Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

You're fine.
You already like a total dipshit.

Here. You're gonna need it.
You look like Eminem from 8 Mile.

[CHUCKLES]

Go with her.
Make sure she doesn't steal it.

And stay the fuck out of Hot Topic.

WOMAN:
David Clark?

Okay, what are we doing today?

Yeah, I say,
give me something that says:

"I get up every morning at 5:30 and
commute for an hour to a bullshit job...

...where my boss expects me
to kiss his balls all day...

...so I can afford to keep my ungrateful
kids decked out in Dora the Explorer shit...

...and my wife up to her fat ass
in self-help videos...

...until the day I get the courage
to put a shotgun in my mouth."

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Right here.

Yeah. That's it. That's the one.

All right.

Get a full body check.

[BEEPS]

[BEEPS]

Sorry.

Hi, you folks have everything you need?

Oh, you betcha!

Yeah, we're heading out on a family vacay
here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?

Well, you have a lovely family.

Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this
is my son, Kenny Miller, right here.

- And my lovely daughter...
- Casey?

Casey. Casey Miller, that's right.
And I'm David Miller.

We're the Millers.

Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands
full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.

Yeah, I'm going through all those
typical teenage girl issues like:

Finals and college applications...

...and am I gonna get asked to prom.

Plus, I haven't gotten my period in
two months...

...which is really weird because
I've mostly just been doing anal.

[KENNY COUGHS]

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, that's enough.

Well, thank you for your help, "Natalie."

Take your seats, please.

You fucking kidding me?

ROSE: I'm good. I got it.
Right over here. Thanks.

Thank you. Sorry.

- Honey! Hi! You made it!
- Mm-hm. Eat a dick.

- Sorry, sorry. Okay.
- Mm-mm.

- Wow, you look really, like...
- Don't. Just don't, all right?

Hi, Mom.

- Jesus.
DAVID: Mm-hm.

And who's that?

Well, that's your daughter. Casey.

Hey...

ROSE:
Mm-hm.

I want 30,000 now.

- No fucking way.
- Okay. Have a safe flight.

What? No. Okay. Fine!
Fine. Bloodsucker.

Mm. All right, happy wife,
happy life. Hi, kids!

- Make room for your mother.
- Okay.

- Hey!
- Whoa! No, I didn't...!

What the fuck? Don't you ever think
that you can ever...

Family meeting. Let's go.
Get in the back. Go.

KENNY: I didn't mean to.
- I don't care.

CASEY: He just hit me in the fucking face.
- Will you march? No one wants to hear...

[WHISPERING]
What the fuck?! Are you kidding me?

Oh, come on, relax, Dorothy. Jesus.

We're not at the border.
Who cares what they think?

It's about not drawing attention
to ourselves, you little hobo.

Hey! Don't talk to her like that.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Rose, relax, okay?
The only thing you need to worry about...

...is making them think you could
be someone's mother. Okay?

Are you kidding me?
I can do this shit in my sleep.

Excuse me.

Lord, we thank thee for the blessing
of this family vacation.

May David find his bliss
and bring us home back safely.

May Kenny and Casey fortify
their sibling bond...

...over the warm glow
of our devoted hearts.

And may this entire airplane
find safe passage...

...and a bountiful life.

Even the Jews.

- Amen.
DAVID: That was a good one.

That was beautiful.

- Oh.
- I wish my family was more like that.

ROSE:
Oh, stop. Don't.

No, no, no. Come on. Come in here.
Hug it out. Don't you cry.

Aw, honey.

[MOUTHS] Fuck you.

All better now? Okay.

Oh, and don't forget you can use Chex Mix
as a surprise casserole topping.

Adds that real special crunch.

- Wow, what a great tip.
- Sure!

Bye-bye.

Holy shit, where did that come from?

It's five summers with my Aunt Barb
in Oklahoma.

That was amazing.

Calm down. It wasn't that great.

Ah, goddamn it. Brad said the RV was
supposed to be out here waiting for us.

Anybody sees a camper, just let me know.

Whoa.

What the fuck is this?

This thing is ridiculous.

[ENGINE STARTS]

- Can you drive this?
- I don't know.

How fast does it go?

Why the hell are you reading that thing?

Because I like it. It's fun.

It's informative.

"It's fun." That's your idea of fun, huh?

I have a VCR manual from the '90s
you should check out.

- I think you'd probably enjoy that.
- Fireworks!

Oh, my God, guys, look!

Fireworks! Hey! Fireworks!
Pull over! There's fireworks!

We're not pulling over for fireworks.

- Oh, oh, stern.
- What? It's Fourth of July weekend.

Don't be such a grumpy asshole. Pull over!

No. Absolutely not.

Oh, come on, I vote fireworks too.

See? Even this loser wants fireworks.
Fireworks!

- Fireworks! Fireworks!
- The kids wanna see fireworks.

CASEY & KENNY:
Fireworks! Fireworks! Fireworks!

Okay, enough!

Enough!
Let's get something straight right now!

You are not my kids! Okay?

You are not my wife!
And we are not a family!

All right? This is a job!

We are not the Brady Bunch!

I'm Marky Mark
and y'all are the Funky Bunch!

- The what?
- I'm the boss. You hear me?

So cut the shit! Otherwise, I will turn
this RV around immediately!

And we will drive straight home.
No drugs for anyone!

This vacation sucks.

You...

It is not a vacation!

[ROSE LAUGHS]

[FIREWORK POPS]

There we go. You fucking happy? Come on.

DAVID: Here we go. Everybody
just be cool. All right?

Hey there!

You got the Miller family here,
reporting for leisure, sir.

We're just heading down
to México way to do a...

Oh. Okay. Great. Fantastic. All right,
thank you. Take care, now. All right.

Whoo! Did you see that? I told you
this RV would work! We totally blend.

ROSE: Congratulations. You
just snuck into Mexico.

CASEY:
What is this?

- A meth lab?
DAVID: It's Mexico, Casey.

ROSE:
That's a donkey, donkey, donkey.

- This RV blends right in, David.
DAVID: Will you calm down?

ROSE: This thing is ginormous.
I mean, it's ridiculous.

NAVIGATION VOICE:
You have arrived at your destination.

The route guidance is now finished.

Are you sure these guys are expecting you?

Rose, we're good. All right?

Now will you calm down? These are
Brad's guys. Nothing to worry about.

Open Sesame. Here we go.

Hey!

Hey, I think that guy was in La Bamba.

Is that a little football over there?
That's fun. Soccer.

Kids are a good sign, I guess.

- Hey there.
- What is this place?

DAVID: Will you look at this?
It's a cute little drug-dealing community.

They probably sell churros.

Will you relax?

It's fine. We're totally fine.

I'll run in, pick up a duffel bag, a suitcase
or something and we'll be on our way.

Hi. Now come on.
See, it's the welcome wagon.

Let me go talk to this guy.

Hola. Hola, big man, me llamo David.

Yeah, I'm here to pick
up for Brad Gurdlinger.

- Oh.
- He's got a gun.

ROSE: Oh, God.
- Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey!

- Oh, God.
DAVID: Palo Hacon! Palo Hacon!

Pablo Chacon?

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Pablo Chacon. I'm here to pick up
for Pablo Chacon.

You are the White Gringo
with the haircut of a donkey.

Uh, yeah. Si.

Yeah. Yeah, mucho white-0.
Very, very gringo. Yeah.

- Who are they?
- Um, that's my "family."

You know, uh, mi familia.

You know, helping me out here
with the deal. Yeah.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah.

Yeah. I know, I can't believe it either.

[ONE-EYE SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

[MOUTHS]
Do you see his eye? Jesus Christ.

[LAUGHING]

Come! Drugs now.

DAVID: Okay, great.
- What?

DAVID:
That's great. Let's do it. Okay.

All right, big fella, where's the smidge
of weed everyone's talking about?

[MEN CHATTERING]

- This is a little more than a smidge.
- Oh, dear.

Calm down. Okay?
We're gonna be fine.

Oh, yeah, sure, right.

All we're doing is smuggling
two metric tons of marijuana...

...across an international border
in a rented motor home!

I don't see what could possibly go wrong!
Ugh!

Okay, uh, I'm gonna
make a phone call real quick.

Kenny, watch the pot.

It's a great place.

Fuck you.

[SAW WHIRRING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

BRAD:
Hey. Buddy.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I'm like an amazing sculptor.

- What are you talking about?
- I've been working all day.

It's an orca and he's breaching
and I'm balls deep in his blow hole.

What the fuck?

Uh-oh, something wrong?

Yeah! Something's wrong.
Something's very, very wrong. Okay?

You said "a smidge of pot."

This is not a smidge.

- Smidge and a half? No?
- No.

You got me moving enough weed
to kill Willie-fucking-Nelson, man!

Okay? They're using a goddamn bucket
brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!

You walked in, told them you were picking
up for Pablo Chacon and they were like:

- "No problem!"
- Wait a minute.

Why do you sound surprised?
You told them we were coming, right?

Relax!

Everything's gonna be fine, man. I greased
the guard in lane one at the border.

He'll let you breeze through,
I'll see you in the morning!

I'll even buy you brunch.

Can I change the subject for a second?

If you get back and see the sculpture...

...you're gonna look at it and be like,
"Whoa, those balls are huge."

The balls are the only part
that are not anatomically correct.

Everything else is perfect.

But I made the balls a little larger
as a tribute to my manhood.

Fuck you, Brad.

That's the David I love!

Fuck you too! Come on, let's do this!

Ha, ha! I'll see you soon,
my little drug mule!

Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw...

[PHONE BEEPS OFF]

Shit!

[WOMAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Oh, no. Thank you. I'm good.

You reject my mother's gift?

I mean, I don't know
whether I'd put it in those terms.

- Shut up and take the fruit.
- Right. Got it.

Thank you, ma'am.

- [WHISPERS] You wanna get us killed?
- What?

Namaste.

CASEY:
Whoa.

I think Snoop Dogg would fuck this fridge.

At least it keeps it fresh.

Well, as long as no one sets foot
inside the RV...

...looks through a window,
or weighs us...

- ...we should be pretty good.
- We'll be fine.

We're totally fucked.

[ONE-EYE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SIREN WHOOPS]

DAVID:
Aw, shit. What the hell is this?

ROSE: What's it look like? It's a cop, genius.
DAVID: Be cool.

- Remember we're the Millers. Okay.
- Okay. Yeah. Okay. Cool.

- Oh. Buenos dias, officer.
- Hola.

I'm sorry if we were violating
some of your traffic laws.

You see, the family and I got into
a heated game of road bingo and...

- Cut the shit.
- I'm sorry?

I saw you leaving
Pablo Chacon's compound.

And we both know if I search
your mobile home, what I'd find.

Much prison time for such things.

Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't feel like arresting anybody...

...so I'll just simply take my bribe
and I'll be on my way.

Well, all right. Ha, ha.

This is what I'm talking about.
Great! How much we talking? 100? 200?

- One thousand.
- A thousand?

- Mm-hm.
- What, are you buying a house down here?

It's a lot. Um, we don't have
that sort of cash on us right now.

[GROANS]

You see, that's gonna be a problem.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe you can offer me
something else. Say, uh...

...something a little more personal?

- Oh.
- Oh.

I gotcha. Rose, suck his dick.

Fuck you, I'm not sucking anything.

Come on. Will you be a team player?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Will you stop being selfish?

Please, please, sefiora.
No need to be alarmed.

See, I'm, how you say, a man who
prefers the company of other men.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- David, suck his dick.
- Rose.

Five seconds tops. Just cradle the balls.

Mm.

Come on, David. Be a team player.
You're gonna have fun.

Um...

Okay. Kenny! Front and center, buddy.

Uh...

KENNY:
Okay, so what's the plan?

Go up there and pretend to
and then you're gonna jump him?

The plan is, um...

Here. Come here, come here.

Okay, um, let's see.
You, you're this bottle cap.

Right? And I am this cigarette butt.

Okay, that's us. All right? Okay?
He's over there, right by this, that bush.

We'll make him the pebble.

You will go and meet him behind
the bush right over there.

You suck his dick,
and we get outta here.

- Okay? Bring it in, on three.
- What?! No!

What do you mean no? What's wrong?

- Well, I'm not gay.
- Are you sure?

I mean, you never really know
until you know.

- No. I'm not gay.
- Okay. All right. Calm down.

Look, this gay panic situation you're having
now, it's coming off a little homophobic.

What, because I don't want
a penis in my mouth?

Exactly. It's exactly
what homophobic means.

Look, you go over there, you just,
you know, you pretend it's a girl's dick.

Any girl's dick you want.

KENNY: I'm not sure I agree with that logic.
- Look, listen to me.

- What is he saying to him?
- I have no idea.

All right? Just listen to me. All right?

Come on, man.

This is your chance to be the hero.

- I don't know, David.
DAVID: Don't do it for me.

Don't even do it for you.
Do it for the girls. For Rose and Casey.

Because, believe me, they won't last
two days in a Mexican prison.

- Okay.
- Attaboy!

- I'll do it for the girls.
- I'm proud of you.

Hey. What's going on?

Somebody sucking my dick,
or am I getting 1000 pesos?

No, he's gonna w...

- "Pesos"? Why didn't you say so?
- Mm-hm. A thousand.

Oh, well, that's like, what, 80 bucks
American?

Here. Here you go.
A hundred. Keep the change.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Can't believe you were gonna suck
that guy's dick. Come on, let's go.

[DOGS BARKING]

MAN [ON PA]: All vehicles, please proceed
slowly in assigned lanes...

...and prepare for vehicle inspection.

[MAN ON PA SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Okay, here we go. This is it.

Kenny, grab the hats. Hurry.

You said the guard was just
gonna wave us through.

He will. But let's look the part so
the others don't get suspicious.

[HORN HONKING]

What the fuck does this guy want?

I don't know. But he's honking.

- Hi!
- Just ignore them.

Okay, he's really honking and it's making a huge scene.
I think he just wants to say hi.

Oh, my God. I don't wanna say hi.

They're just waving. If we just wave,
he'll stop.

Fine. I'll say hi. Fine.

- Hi!
- Hi!

Howdy-doody! Quite a rig you got there,
amigo.

That is quite a rig
you guys have there too.

Well, thank you very kindly.
We do love her.

We don't take her out as often as
we used to when our girl was small.

It can be such a bear to carve out quality
family time but you gotta do it, don't you?

Yeah, David and Rose Miller here.

Oh.

This is my daughter, Casey, right here.
And my son, Kenny.

- How handsome.
- Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Don Fitzgerald,
my smoldering wife, Edith...

...and our daughter. Say hi, Melissa.

[EDIE LAUGHS]

MAN [ON PA]: Lane one, please pull forward.
- Oh.

Sir. Sir, please pull forward.

I got a joint here.

- Shut down lane one.
- It's medicinal.

- What'd he say?
- He has a joint.

That's it?

[ROSE GASPS]

- Hide it.
- Okay.

Get rid of it! Oh, my God!

Holy shit.

- Oh, that was so close.
- You have a baby!

- Oh, I love babies!
ROSE: Oh.

Oh, look at that gorgeous
little bundle of joy!

What's that beautiful little baby's name?

- This is our little...
- LeBron.

- Name's LeBron.
ROSE: Yup.

- Oh.
- A little French fella.

It's our little LeBron.

I was against the name at first, but
the missus has a real soft spot...

...for prima donnas who'll never
be as good as Jordan.

I can't see the face.

- I'm dying to see his face.
- Sir, pull forward to lane two.

- Oh, fuck! Okay, put on the hats.
- You gotta pull over.

- Here we go.
ROSE: Great.

- My God, I feel like a fucking idiot.
- That's the idea.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Everybody smile
and follow my lead, all right?

I'm gonna take us to the promised land.
Here we go. Here we go.

[DOG BARKING]

Steady.

- Steady.
- Shit.

DAVID:
Shh. Shh, shh. I got this one.

Okay. Everybody just smile. Everybody
be cool. Here we go. Follow my lead. Ahem.

You bringing anything
into the United States, sir?

Yuh...

Sir, are you bringing any contraband
back into the United States?

DAVID:
Um...

GUARD 1: Sir?
- David!

[GUARD 1 SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[BARKING]

Folks, I need you to pull over and exit the
vehicle, please.

- But...
- Sir, is that actually necessary?

I mean, these kids
are pooped and we've just...

I need everybody out of this
recreational vehicle immediately.

- I'll just put the baby down.
- We'll put the baby away.

Bring the child, pull over to the secondary
inspection area and exit the vehicle now!

- Okay.
- Good.

[BARKING]

[ROSE GASPS]

It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay, baby. It's just a puppy.

Stand down.

All right. It's okay.

Before I search the vehicle, is there
anything you wanna tell me about?

Because after I open that door...

...I can't help you.

Last chance. I'm gonna search this vehicle
top to bottom.

All right.

[MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

We got runners!

[DOGS BARKING]

[GUNSHOTS]

GUARD 2:
We got runners!

Sorry to inconvenience you, folks.
This happens a lot.

You have a nice day.

Go. Go, go!

Ah. Well, that was fucking easy!

[DAVID LAUGHS]

- Oh, my God.
- God!

Whoo! We did it!

Nicely done, Millers! Give it up!
Very good job. Here you go.

Rose! Yeah! David! There you go!

We are all officially international drug
smugglers. Add it to the resume.

Ha, ha.
How about a little victory music, huh?

[TLC'S "WATERFALLS"
PLAYING ON RADIO]

Oh, no, no, no.

- Don't change it. I love this song.
- Me too.

What? I didn't even like this song
when it was popular.

Come on, loosen up, David.

[INCREASES VOLUME]

[SINGING ALONG]
Please stick to the rivers

And the lakes that you're used to

Don't do this.

What? This isn't even
a good victory song.

No, stop. We are not doing this.

This is embarrassing. Stop.

Ah, come on.

[RAPPING] I seen a rainbow yesterday
But too many storms have come and gone

Leavin' a trace of not one God-given ray
Is it because my life is 10 shades of gray

[MOUTHS] What the fuck?

I pray all 10 fade away
Seldom praise him for the sunny days

You claim the insane
And name this place in time

For fallin' prey to crime, I swear
The system got you victim to your own mind

Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin' true

Believe in yourself
The rest is up to me and

[SINGING]
Don't go chasin' waterfalls

- Whoo!
CASEY: Whoo, yeah, Kenny!

ROSE:
Where did you learn to do that?

DAVID:
Yeah, whatever.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[GROANS]

[CROWD MURMURING]

Senor Chacon.

[ONE-EYE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

We were not expecting you.

I decided to bring the gringo myself
to make sure everything goes as planned.

But the gringo has already left with the
shipment, senor.

What gringo?

The gringo with the haircut of a donkey.

You mean this gringo
with the haircut of a donkey.

I have failed you, senor.

If you saw this gringo again would you
recognize him?

He was driving an RV with his family.

Get in the car.

Oh, how fast are you going?

Calm down, I'm going the speed limit.
We won't get pulled over.

No, no. I mean, loaded down like this
in a 15-ton vehicle...

...going up a 10 percent grade.

Just use your head, David.
I don't think you think things through.

- What?
- Weight distribution loading and towing.

- See?
- Yeah, I do.

I thought this plan through.

- Seems to be working out.
- Oh, great.

[ALARM BEEPING]

DAVID:
Oh, Shit!

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Seriously. God...!

Was this part of your plan, David?

Damn it.

- Wait, what are we gonna do now?
- I don't kno...

I can't even get a signal.

No shit. We're in the fucking middle of
nowhere, dude.

Oh, gee, thank you, Casey.

Thank you for your amazing problem
solving skills. So helpful.

Whoa. Hey, what are you doing?

I'm not gonna stand on the side of the
road next to an RV filled with pot.

I'm gonna try to find help.

- Yeah, fuck this. I'm going with her. Bye.
- What?

CASEY: Wait up!
ROSE: Ugh. Ridiculous!

Okay. Actually, that's fine. Good idea.
Okay, hurry back though, please.

"Oh, I have a plan." Really? Good plan.
You don't have any plans.

Women, am I right?

Shut the fuck up, Kenny.

ROSE: And he's so smug. Ugh.
He drives me crazy.

CASEY:
Well, yeah, he's an idiot.

ROSE: No, he's not an idiot.
He's actually kind of smart.

Why are you defending him?

I'm not defending him.
I'm just saying that he...

CASEY: Have you seen where we are?
This whole plan is so stupid.

ROSE:
Oh, really?

What golden advice did you follow that
ended with you on the streets?

I don't live on the streets, okay?
I crash with friends.

Ah. Okay. I see.

So you were kind of between
couches when David and Kenny found you.

Are you gonna lecture me?
Seriously, I'll puke.

You know what, I'm not lecturing you.

Okay, good. Because I don't
need advice from a stripper.

All right, you know what you little shit?
I swear...

[HORN HONKS]

What the hell is this?

Well, look at this
cute little couple of hitchhikers.

We're here to save your bacon.

Saddle up, little ladies. Ha-ha-ha!

ROSE:
Hey. Hi, what's going on?

They pulled up right after you guys left.
They're gonna tow us to a mechanic.

They keeping asking to hold
the weed baby.

All right, all right, calm down. Okay.

Just calm down, all right? I got this.
Watch.

I'm holding that baby.

Edie, you will, I promise,
but it's nap time for LeBron.

Come on, guys, let's go.

All aboard the Fitzgerald Express.
Honk, honk!

ROSE: Ha-ha-ha!
- Toot, toot!

It's like we're pretending it's a train,
but it's not.

[EDIE LAUGHS]

KENNY: Surrounded by goblins.
MELISSA: Okay.

Oh, oh, oh!

One more sec, okay? Hold on,
one second. Don't freak.

EDIE:
When you're a synchronized swimmer...

...you can't use a maxi pad,
you can see it.

So my friend bought me a box of tampins.

And I'll tell you, I had
a hard time inserting those.

- It would just stick halfway out.
ROSE: Mm-hm.

- It was just like a Roman candle.
ROSE: Mm-hm.

And that is how I found out
I was born with a shallow vagina.

- That was such a detailed story, Edie.
- Thank you!

You gotta do a one-woman show.
It's, like, so many layers, you know?

So, what's your story, David?

- What do you mean?
- How'd you two meet?

Ah! Honey, tell her.

And don't leave out
any of the romantic parts.

DAVID:
Okay. All right.

Where did we first meet. Um...

It's great.

Well, that would have been when Rose
moved into my apartment building.

- Ah. That's right.
DAVID: Mm-hm.

[GASPS]

I remember watching her through the
crack in my door as she was...

Wait, you were spying on me?

Now, hon, just because you've heard it
a thousand times...

...doesn't mean you should interrupt.
Don't be rude.

All right. Proceed.

But, yeah, I was spying on her.

She was unloading this U-Haul
all by herself.

I wanna go help her, but I don't wanna come
off like I'm hitting on her, because...

...you know, I'd like to hit on her
maybe at some point.

And, uh...

...she was wearing these little navy
blue Chuck Taylors and these jean shorts.

No pockets on the back,
however that happened.

And this, uh, Tom Waits T-shirt.

I was like, "Oh, that's cool."

Because I love Tom Waits.

And she just looked beautiful.

If you're into that kind of mean,
pretty thing.

So, anyway, uh...

...she starts to bring up this really big
weird-looking painting up the stairs.

And I'm like, "Okay, here's my shot."
All right, so I go outside...

...and I help her with it.
I'm trying to, at least.

She looks at me and goes:
"Stop it!"

- She just snaps at me.
- You started yanking at it.

Next thing you know, it's a tug of war...

...pulling it back
and forth and out of nowhere...

His fat fist
goes right through the canvas.

- But it was an accident.
- Doesn't matter! You ruined my painting.

Okay. Honestly, I really think
you should've thanked me.

Yeah, because that painting
was hideous.

[CHUCKLES]

My grandfather painted that painting.

And it was my favorite thing
in the entire world.

So we get in this screaming
match in front of the whole building.

And everybody comes out
and is watching it.

I mean, from that moment,
we hated each other.

Oh, man.

- And then you fell in love. Oh!
- Yeah. Then we fell in love.

- Ha, ha!
- Hey, now. I think this is our exit.

David, could you grab me the map
out of the glove box?

Yes, sir.

- Whoa. Whoa. Uh...
ROSE: Whoa!

DON: Oh, hey, sorry about that, buddy.
Didn't mean to scare you there.

That's just my service pistol and badge.

Oh. Your badge.

- Are you a cop?
- No, no, no.

No? Oh, God.

- I'm in the DEA.
ROSE: Oh.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Yeah, my Don has been an agent
for the last 22 years.

On a bit of a hiatus at the moment.

They took him out of the field,
he wasn't aggressive enough.

- That's enough.
- I'm sorry. It's not right, Don.

Those young guns aren't half the
agent you are, those crumb-bums.

Edith, you know how I feel
about your cussing.

- I'm sorry, Don.
- Edith can be a little hot-blooded at times.

- I'm 1/8 Italian, so...
ROSE: Oh. It's okay.

Uh, hey, if you guys will excuse me.

- Wanna join me?
- Where are you off to?

- We're gonna check on the baby.
- Gonna take a dump.

- Check the baby's dumps.
ROSE: That's what we should say.

- Yeah, just go check on Lebanon.
- LeBron. His name's LeBron.

He just has a terrible tummy.
And it's just bad diarrhea stuff.

DON:
Do we still have cornstarch?

EDIE:
Yeah, there's cornstarch for his bottom.

- Family meeting.
- Yep.

EDIE:
I'm getting my hands on that baby.

He's a narc?
Are you fucking kidding me?!

Stop panicking! We haven't done anything
suspicious yet, so just relax!

Oh, really? Okay. What about when they
wanna hold our precious weed baby?

Give me the baby, all right?

I'll handle it if it happens.
I'll take care of it.

Right now, all we have to do is
get away from that fucked up family.

Oh, fuck. Why are we stopping?

They heard us. They heard us.
Fuck, we're going to jail.

No, no, no.
We're just at the garage, okay?

Everybody calm down. We haven't
done anything. You're right.

I'll ditch this guy real fast. We're gonna
get in and get out of here, okay?

Game face, okay?
Miller time. Here we go.

No other repair shops nearby?

Run by a Christian and open after
supper on a Saturday night? No, sir.

Ah, shoot. I'd give you the hose out
of our rig and send you on your way...

...but we'd be stranded ourselves.

Besides, this way we can all get to
know each other better.

- What's happening?
- They're closed till morning.

Oklahoma.

Oh, God.

You folks can make camp with the
Fitzgeralds tonight.

I know a great spot. We'll set up the old
tents and you can bed down in our Winni.

- I'll give you a hand with your gear.
- No, no, no.

That's okay.
Millers carry their own weight.

- I knew I liked you, David.
- Kenny, you wanna get our shit?

- Hey.
- This will be a hoot.

I'll watch your little one so you and your
man can have some snuggle time.

- I don't want you to have to...
- I am good with babies.

Nonsense! Oh, give me the baby.
Give me that baby!

[GASPS]

[HORN BLARING]

[ALL SCREAM]

Shit!

EDIE:
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
Why isn't there blood?!

Oh, my God! What's happening?

Thanks a lot, Mom. Now what am I
supposed to use for my health project?

I'm gonna fail and have to go to
community college.

- My future's ruined!
- Honey.

Mrs. Fitzgerald, are you all right?

- That baby was...?
- Oh, did you think that LeBron was...?

ALL: Heh-heh-heh.
- No, no, no. LeBron was a sack of herbs.

Oregano and basil mostly.

We were just treating it like
a real baby, a summer project.

- Extra credit.
DAVID: It teaches the students that...

...nothing ruins your life like children.

Yeah. And it also sends that message
to teens, just stick to the big A.

- Yeah, anal.
- Abstinence, you meant.

- Neither makes a baby.
- He confuses them.

Anyway, I'm so sorry, Edie.
We promised our Casey...

...that we would treat it like a real baby
all summer and we went too far.

Got used to it. Sorry.

ROSE:
And so I'm embarrassed, actually.

I think that would scare anybody.

She's very emotional. You should have
seen her at the end of Free Willy.

Oh, stop it, Don.

I love that whale.

Well, who loves campfire games?

EDIE:
Oh, Don.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my pleasure to welcome you...

...to the annual
singing Fitzgerald family jamboree.

Our usual guests couldn't
be here this year.

- Uh, they're called the Osmond family.
- Ha-ha-ha!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

But in their place this year we have the
very talented and wonderful Miller family.

Let's get this party started
with a Fitzgerald family favorite.

[SINGING]
Breakin' rocks in the hot sun

I fought the law and the law won

It always does.

DON: I needed to steal some money
'Cause I had none

I fought the law and the law won

Now just the Millers.

ALL [SINGING]:
I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

I want you to imagine you committed a felony,
you've been tried and sent to prison...

...and you're standing out in the sun
breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. And...

[SINGING]
I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

- All right, that's great.
ROSE: That's good.

DAVID: That's fun. Great song.
- I love it. That was great.

Great choice.

- Great, kids.
- Well, that was an A for effort.

- Whoo! I got the spirit!
- That's great.

EDIE:
It's a bird, it's a plane.

DON: U.S. Air Force, U.S. Air Force. Ollie North!
EDIE: Take me home to...

EDIE:
Looks like a sea animal.

Hammer tooth shark.

[WHISPERING] We wait until they fall asleep
and then we sneak into their tent, all right?

[WHISPERING]
Mm. Cut their throats.

- What?
- What?

No. Jesus.

- What the fuck's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

I wasn't saying to do that. I didn't say that.
I thought you were gonna it.

You thought I was gonna say
"cut their throats"?

Who do you think I am, Scarf ace?
Give me a break.

DON: Herbert Walker Bush!
EDIE: Paper airplanes!

Clowns. Clown sandwich.

Don't lock the baby in the basement.

What I was gonna say: We sneak
into the tent, steal Don's keys...

...then we take the RV back to the shop and I
can swap out their radiator hose for ours.

Ah. Got it.

- The Earth! The Earth is on fire!
- Atmosphere.

EDIE:
Uh...

[WHISPERS] Plain and simple.

Al Qaeda! Al Qaeda!

[BELL RINGS]

It was "plain and simple."

- See, this was a plane, and then this w...
- Oh, Melissa, of course it was.

That is so clever.

Gosh, I thought it was really good.

I'm a terrible drawer, so...

- Great, because you're up next.
- Ah.

- Passing the baton.
KENNY: Nice work.

ROSE [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Okay. Let's go, Kenny.

DAVID [IN NORMAL VOICE]
All right, Kenny, here we go.

- Draw your brains out.
ROSE: All right, that's a line.

- A slash. Guns and Roses.
- Looks like a spring.

What is that? That's a... Kenny,
come on, draw something, buddy.

CASEY: String.
DAVID: Come on, son.

- Rocket. It's a rocket or...
- Is that a cucumber?

This is really stupid.

DAVID: Is it a bad drawing, Kenny?
My guess is "bad drawing."

- it's...
- Oh! A penis! A penis.

It's a big dick. Those are balls.

It's a big black dick! It's a drawing.
Black! It's a big black dick.

It's a big, big black cock!

Black Cock Down!

[DON SIGHS
THEN BELL RINGS]

It's a skateboard.

- It's a skateboard, great.
- A skateboard. Of course it is.

- It's a big black skateboard.
ROSE: I see it.

Of course. It's very clear.
But, you see, it was up... There's...

Its wheels, so I didn't see it
down on the ground, and then it...

Black Cock Down? Black Cock Down?

Nice job, Meryl Streep.
Very subtle character work.

Not my fault that Kenny can't draw.

DAVID:
Don't you pick on Kenny.

ROSE: Nothing about that
looked like a skateboard.

You leave him alone.
Where the hell's Kenny?

- You guys, come here.
- What?

- What's going on?
- Look at these two.

ROSE: Aww.
DAVID: Uh-oh.

- Guess I'm not the best drawer.
- No, you were great.

- I knew that was a skateboard.
- Yeah.

- I don't know where the confusion was.
- No, I... That...

Yeah.

I, um, really like your family.
They're, uh...

- They're different.
- Well, they're not my family. I mean...

Yeah, no, I get what you mean.

- She wants him to kiss her.
- Absolutely.

CASEY: She does, right?
- And sometimes I feel like I'm adopted...

...or an alien, you know, or something.

Right. That's what I meant. Um...

But also, you know, I
would totally adopt you.

You know, um...

Not that I wanna be your daddy.
I just, uh...

DAVID: He's talking too much.
CASEY: He won't shut up.

Uh, well, good night.

[ALL GROAN]

- I'll see you.
- Okay. Um...

Fucking hug.

Okay.

And, uh, Melissa?

- Yeah?
- Uh, watch out for bears.

Um, you know. Can't see them coming.

Good tip.

That poor kid.
Well, you should go talk to him.

Who?

I said you should go...
Well, who do you think?

Me? What the hell am I gonna say?

Talk to him about guy stuff.

- Jesus fucking Christ.
- Come on, how hard is it? Just go.

DAVID: Hey, man, how you doing?
- Hey.

- Anybody sitting here?
- Uh, no.

Well, good, good, good, good.
All right.

So, urn...

...I saw what just happened
with you and Melissa.

- Oh.
- Um...

You know, you don't have to be scared to
kiss a girl. Heh-heh.

I mean, you damn near sucked a guy's dick
nine hours ago. What are you shy now for?

That's not funny, David.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was a bad joke. Ahem.

You wanna know something I used
to do when I was your age...

...kept me from
getting nervous around girls?

- Yeah.
- I would just count to three.

- Count to three?
- Yeah.

- That's your big advice? Count to three?
- Yeah.

I mean, if you ever wanna kiss a girl
or ask her to go out, or I mean...

Actually, if you get scared of anything,
just do this: just count to three...

...and then do it.

Because if you take too long, you overthink
it and you'll just drive yourself crazy.

Trust me, it'll change your life.

I guess that makes sense.

- Thanks.
- Yeah. No problem.

And, you know, if you have any other
questions...

...about, like, the birds and the bees...

...who puts what into where,
any of that fun stuff...

...just don't hesitate to ask, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Good talk.
KENNY: Yeah, good talk.

DAVID:
Oh, my back.

- So old.
KENNY: Yeah.

[OWL HOOTING]

[MOUTHING] Wait. You go in.
I'll keep a lookout, okay? Good.

[MOUTHING] Fuck you. This was your idea.
You're going the fuck in there.

Why are you yelling at me?

I am not yelling at you.

Okay. Okay.

Watch.

Bin Laden!

What's happening? Is it raccoons?

God.

You were right about them, Edith.

- No. I'm so sorry.
- Let me explain.

This is completely explainable.

- A misunderstanding.
- We didn't mean to do this.

- You just have to understand something.
ROSE: Mm-hm, mm-hm.

We have never done anything like this with
another couple before.

Uh-huh.

That's no judgment on you.
We're no squares.

- I own a vibrator.
- That's right, she does.

- Awesome.
DON: I wasn't for it at first.

The darn thing's made in China,
for cripes' sake...

...but when you've been married this long
you look for anything to spice things up.

So, of course we've discussed
a scenario like this.

Yes. And tonight when you brought up
that big black "babymaker"...

DON: Well, we got it.
- Loud and clear.

Our vibrator is named "Joe Morgan."

We were picking up
what you were putting down.

EDIE: Same page.
- Interesting.

We're very flattered by this, but right
now, in the middle of the night...

...I'm not sure I'm really ready for it.
Aw, Don.

Got it. Totally understood. Not a problem.

We just had to ask. So...

EDIE:
Wait. I have an idea.

Okay. Maybe I could take
a baby step tonight.

I mean, my mouth is for my marriage.

But I've never touched
another woman before.

I would be okay with that. Yeah.

EDIE:
Oh, great.

Rose?

- There you go.
- Okay. All right, I'm sitting.

- Are you okay?
- David.

- Mother to mother, is this okay with you?
- Yes. "Mother." Yes.

- Are you sure?
- Let's get this mother started.

- Shall we? Okay.
EDIE: Ha-ha-ha!

- Okay, Don, are you watching?
- I'm good.

Okay. Uh, wow.

My heart's pounding
so fast in my chest.

- Ahem. So I guess we're swinging.
- Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Ooh. Ha, ha.

EDIE:
Sorry that I'm taking so long.

Hello. Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, I'm just gonna do it real fast.
There we go.

- There they are.
- There they are.

- Wow! Wow!
ROSE: It's happening. This is happening.

EDIE: Don, are you looking at this?
I'm touching her boobs.

- This is a miracle.
- Okey-doke.

- Would you like to feel my breasts?
- I think that's enough for tonight.

- You're right.
- Don't give away the farm.

- A little roughhouse?
- We should wait.

- Are you okay down there?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have fun tonight, kids.

ROSE: Awesome.
- I'm never gonna wash these hands.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Thank you so much.

ROSE: Good night. That was great.
- Okay, bye, guys.

Great. What now, genius?

- Tell me... What?
- Oh, oh, oh. I don't know.

I just got earfucked in a tent.

If you let her finger bang you
they would have given us the keys.

Oh, really? Why don't you go
suck Don's dick for them...

...and then you get the keys?
He was certainly loving on those earlobes.

Okay, look. First, unlike you, I only
suck a man's dick if I'm in love, okay?

That's kind of a personal rule I have.

- Yeah, and secondly... And secondly...
- What?

I don't have a second one.
I don't know where I was going with that.

Fucking idiot.

Oh, I thought of one. I got one.

[VIBRATOR HUMMING
AND DON & EDIE GIGGLING]

DON:
Here comes Joe Morgan up to the plate.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

EDIE:
Oh, Don.

[KENNY SIGHS]

Okay, what?

What? What do you mean?

Do you wanna talk about it...

...or mope around like
someone kicked you in the vagina?

Okay. Um...

Well, I've never really like...

Had sex before. Shocker.

Kissed a girl before.

Wait, what? I thought you said
you were like 18.

- Okay, you know what, forget it.
- Okay, okay, wait. Okay.

Come on. Sit down.
Don't need to be so dramatic.

Look, it's okay
that you haven't kissed a girl.

I'm sure there are some girls...

...who I've never met...

...that find inexperience
kind of sweet.

I don't wanna be a sweet, inexperienced
guy who's never been worth kissing.

I wanna be the guy who grabs a girl
and kisses her. You know?

Okay, let me make one thing clear.

This isn't one of those moments
where the girl kisses the boy...

...and realizes she's been in love with him
the whole time, okay?

You're my fake brother
and you're a sweet kid...

...so this is for you
to bring back to Melissa.

- What is?
- I'm gonna kiss you, dingus.

Oh.

- What are you doing? Shut your eyes.
- Okay, sorry. Right.

That's weird. That's really weird.

- Sorry.
- All right. Ahem.

That was okay.
Now more tongue.

Tongue. I can do that.

Too much tongue. Too much tongue.

Right. Too much...
Yeah, that's my fault. My bad. Sorry.

Less tongue.

That was good.

All right, now this time, I want you
to choke me a little bit.

- Uh, okay.
DAVID: Whoa. What's going on here?

Uh, it's...

- We're not doing what it looks like.
- Really?

It looks like Casey's
teaching you how to kiss out of pity.

CASEY:
Mm-hm.

Uh, well, then it is what
it looks like, yeah.

Really.

What did you teach him?

The basics.
He's never kissed a girl before.

You haven't?
Oh. Well, honey, show me.

- Uh, really?
- Yes.

Okay. Uh...

Oh. Not bad.

It's not bad.

- Try this.
- Okay.

Come here.

[KENNY GRUNTS]

There you go.

You feel that?
What I did with my tongue?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Show Casey what you just learned.

Look at that.

Mm! Whoa!

DAVID:
Wait. Hold on.

I wanna get a picture of you with the
first girl you ever kissed. Here you go.

- Mm-hm. Make it good.
- Good.

Rose. Get in there.
There you go. Photobomb it.

- This is getting better, it's getting better.
- Okay.

ROSE:
It's so cute.

DAVID: Use your hands. They got
so much fun stuff to play with.

You're not using your hands.

MELISSA:
Kenny?

- No, Melissa... It's, uh...
- I'm sorry.

KENNY:
Melissa, wait.

Fuck.

You know, there's a 50-50 chance
she'll be into it.

[WHISPERS]
Redhead. They're crazy.

Grab your things, guys.
Kenny, grab my stuff. Thanks.

- Here we go.
- Well, looks like you're ready to roll.

Gary called me first thing. He seemed real
eager for y'all to come pick her up.

- Good. Good, good, good. Okay.
- Guess this is it, then.

- Good luck to you, David.
- Hey, thank you, Don. Take care, will you?

Hey, yeah, listen, I would appreciate it
if you kept what happened last night...

...all that Chinese
vibrator talk, between us.

- Yeah.
- If folks at my church found out about that...

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no. I get it. Yeah.
No, say no more. Mum's the word, okay?

Before you go running off...

- Yeah?
- Well, last night notwithstanding...

...things bedroom-wise between me
and Mrs. Fitzgerald...

- ...haven't been a real five-alarm fire of late.
- Okay.

Now that I'm not working as much, we have
a chance to light the flame again...

- ...but our matches are wet.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- If you catch my drift.
- I do, yeah.

Yeah, the matches are genitals. I get it.

No, I was talking about our passion.

Right. Sorry, sorry. Of course.
That's the way...

- That's okay. That's all right.
- Yeah.

So we've been looking for new ideas...

...and she read on the internet
about this finger thing...

- Don, you don't need to share that with me.
- No, no, it's okay. I want to.

Okay, as long as you're comfortable.

- I need your advice, David.
- Mm-hm.

You and Rose seem hotter for each other
than a couple mice...

...having sexual congress in a wool sock.

- We do?
- Yeah.

You're like newlyweds,
the way you keep looking at each other.

- We are?
- Yeah. I guess I just wanna know...

...what do you do to keep things exciting
after years in the same fishing hole?

- Hmm.
- What's your secret?

Right.

- And by fishing hole you mean...
- Genitals.

That's genitals. Okay. Um.

Yeah, um, my secret? Uh...

Well, you know what I do, Don?

I just treat
Rose like she's a stripper.

[CHUCKLES]

- No kidding?
- No kidding.

Like she's a dirty, dirty stripper.

Okay. Heh-heh-heh.

Dirtier the better. Heh.

- Heh, heh.
EDIE: Okay, watch your step.

It surprise... It sneaks up on you.

Everyone got your bags?

Oh. I am so sorry that Melissa
isn't here to say goodbye.

She just won't come out of that bedroom.

You know, she's been sick to her tummy
ever since last night.

- I think it was something that she ate.
- Just tell her I'm really sorry.

- Oh, sure.
- Oh.

EDIE:
Sure will.

Oh, so sweet, kids.

[WHISPERS]
You'll always be my special lover.

OW! Oh, Edie.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Bye!

- Happy birthday, America!
- Bye!

- See ya, now!
- Bye-bye, now.

[DAVID CHUCKLING]

- Thank you.
- Bye.

Let's get out of here. You guys, go to
the RV. I'll get the keys from Skeeter.

Hello?!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Brad, I was just gonna call you.

Where are you?
Thought you'd be here by now.

I told you I needed it today.

No, I know that. No, we just had a little
bit of engine trouble's all, okay?

We're gonna be on the road in five minutes,
at your front door in just a few hours, okay?

Nothing stopping us now.

What the fuck?

Hand me the phone.

Uh, Brad, can you hold on for a sec?

All right, let's not do anything rash.

- I'm David, what's your name?
- Pablo Chacon.

Shut the fuck up. Stop, stop.

- Hola, Brad.
- Pablo!

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

You send this amateur fuck-up
to steal from me?

Listen, I don't know
what David told you... Hello?

I would have loved to say good-bye to him.

Pablo Chacon.

Turns out there's a real Pablo Chacon
and we stole from him.

So this is probably gonna end well,
I would imagine.

I'll be right back.

No rush.

I thought you said we were
picking up drugs for Pablo Chacon.

I thought we were.
Brad told me he was Pablo Chacon.

ROSE: Why do you trust that guy?
DAVID: I don't, okay?

Can you guys stop bickering
for five seconds?

Okay, how did he even find us?

- We don't know.
- I don't know.

PABLO:
With this.

Cool, is that a transmitter?
That's like a...

You put that in the RV, huh?
In one of the bags?

- How could you not think of that?
- Because I don't know what I'm doing!

- Have you not figured that out?
- Silence!

You all die now.

But together as a family, with honor.

But we're not even a real family, okay?
I don't even know these people.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

She's right. That's absolutely right. No, no.
We're not related at all, any of us.

No. We're just friends.

- No, we're not...
- We are not friends!

Look, I'm just a small-time
fucking drug dealer.

I sell dime bags, all right?

My daughter here
is just a homeless gutter punk, all right?

And my son is just a fucking dork that
lives in my building. We don't look alike!

ROSE: Not related.
- A virgin, okay? And my "wife"?

I mean, she's just a cheap stripper.

Hey, thanks, David. Nice.

DAVID: We will not do anything if...
- Wait, wait. Heh.

In the capri pants and the sensible
footwear, a stripper?

Yes.

That's right, I am...

...Mr. Chacon.

Just give me one chance...

...to prove to you that I'm worth
way more alive than I am dead.

[AEROSMITH'S "SWEET EMOTION"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Sweet

Emotion

Talk about things
And nobody cares

Wearing hot things
That nobody wears

Some sweat hog knew
She's a real good liar

'Cause the backstage boogie
Set your pants on fire

Sweet

Emotion

Sweet

Emotion

You stand in the front
Just a shakin' your ass

I'll take you backstage
You'll be drinking my glass

I'm talkin' about something
You can sure understand

Have some respect, it's your mother.

[PABLO SCREAMS]

DAVID:
Get in the RV! Go, go, go!

[GRUNTS]

Why are we fighting?

- Do you know how to drive this?
- No.

No weapons. Here we go.

CASEY: Hurry!
KENNY: I don't know how it works.

[BOTH YELL
THEN ONE-EYE GRUNTS]

CASEY:
Fuck!

- What just happened?
- I knocked him out. Let's go.

- You did not.
- Yes, I did.

Come on, Rose, come on. Come on!

- Look out!
- Oh, no, please.

Kenny! Kenny, give me the wheel!

No, do not pull over!

Go this way!
No, no, no. Don't get on the freeway.

- Kenny, just let me in.
KENNY: I can't. I'll stop.

DAVID:
Don't stop! You can't stop.

Goddamn it, will you let go?

No, no, no, no!
You're gonna get us killed!

[HORN HONKING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

DAVID: All right, just get out of the way.
KENNY: I can't.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Is everybody okay?

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. What...?

ROSE:
Fuck.

Fuck!

Ow! Shit! Fuck, fucking...

Ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow!

- Oh, my God. Fucking shit! Fuck!
DAVID: What the hell is he doing?

Fuck a donkey! It hurts so much.

Settle down, man.
What the hell's going on?

Oh, my God! I'm gonna die.

Kenny, listen to me.
Calm down, all right?

Not gonna die. Tell us what's going on.

- Tell us what happened.
- Fucking spider bit me, David!

- What? Where did it happen?
- Bit me on my balls.

On my fucking balls. On my balls,
on my fucking balls!

Oh, God. Let me see.
Kenny, let me see it.

No. No fucking way. You're not seeing it.

Come on. I can't help you unless you
show me. Sweetie, just show it to me.

Kenny, will you just man up
and drop your pants?

We've all seen a dick.

DAVID:
All right, let's see it.

[ROSE GASPS]

What? What is it?
What does it look like?

- I can't look.
- Um...

- Is it bad?
- Hey, listen to me. It's not that bad.

- Dude, it's really bad.
- No, it isn't.

- Have you seen what that... Look.
- I'm not gonna look.

- You're going to a hospital.
- What? No. No fucking way.

How bad is it?

You're okay. Rub some dirt
on it. Let's get back in the RV.

No. You're going to see a doctor.

No fucking way.
No, absolutely not, Rose.

He's not going to a hospital.
We don't have time.

Trust me. Kenny is fine.

I can't feel my bingo.

- Goddamn it, Kenny.
- Yeah. Totally fine.

- Go grab him. Grab him!
- If he's dead, we're leaving him.

Yeah, this is David Mille... David Clark,
calling for Mr. Gurdlinger again.

Yes, I'll hold.

Who's my big black and white baby? Yeah.

You are. Yes, you are.

[BABBLING]

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

- Yellow-ski.
- Oh, hello, Brad.

Where the fuck have you been?
I left you five messages, man!

David! You're alive! Cool.
How'd that happen?

Ask the real Pablo Chacon.

I'm not gonna make excuses.

It was kind of a dick move.

- "A dick move"? A dick move!
- Little bit.

Little bit of a dick move.

Well, tell you what. I'm not driving
another fucking mile.

All right? I want goddamn hazard pay from
your ass. Otherwise, I'll turn around...

...and give this smidge of pot back to
Chacon, along with your fucking address.

Do you understand me?

Sounds like you're
threatening to double-cross me.

Fucking right I am.

And I'm kind of turned on right now.

You make a good case for hazard pay.
How much you want?

How much? Oh, I don't know,
half a million dollars.

- How about that?
- Done.

Fucking right, it's done. Good.

But I need it here by tonight
or the deal is off.

No problem. That's fine with me.

Where the hell are you, anyway?

We're at the Corrales Regional Medical
Center in Buttfuck, New Mexico.

- Why?
- Why? Why?

Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his
fucking nuts bit by a giant spider.

That is amazing. Will you let me know
if he develops super powers?

Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock.

Tick-tock. Okay.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[LINE RINGING]

Hola, Pablo. Es Brad.

Okay. Here me out.
I wanna ask you something.

Scottie? The doctor will see you now.

SCOTTIE:
Text me, girl. I gotta bounce.

Know what I'm saying?

Oh, God. Really? That guy?

- What? He's hot.
- Okay.

"I gotta bounce."

- Miller family?
ROSE: Yeah.

Hi. Hello, how are you?

Oh, great. What's the news,
doc, huh? Can we get going?

- He's about to tell us.
- Oh, good.

I'm afraid your son had a pretty severe
allergic reaction to the spider's venom.

Ooh. Too bad. Better get him home.
Where is he?

He's in a lot of pain right now, we won't
be able to release him for a few hours yet.

[DAVID GROANS]

- Why?
ROSE: David? David, David! Stop it.

Please. Continue.

Uh, he's on an IV
to get some antibiotics...

[SNORES]

Who the fuck cares, man?
Okay? We got shit to do.

Go get my son and bring him
and his giant nut out here right now.

Stop it. Doctor, thank you.
I appreciate you taking care of our son.

- Thank you very much.
- Sure. You seem like a very caring father.

- What is your fucking problem?
- What?!

Are you crazy? It's only a few hours.
We'll be fine.

No, we're not fine. Okay?

We'll be dead in a few hours.
You forget who's following us?

Look, here's what I say we do, all right?

We leave him here,
and then we just keep going, all right?

So you're saying that the three
of us, we just leave him here.

No! No, no, no. We don't leave him here.
No. Absolutely not. No, we leave...

...with him here.

Okay.

You know, if we leave Kenny here,
it really isn't...

Ah.

No. I don't know where I was going
with that. That's stupid.

Seriously.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

- What's that?
- I don't know.

CASEY: Don't answer it! It's for me!
- What?

What's up, dawg?

Not much, dawg. What's up with you?

Here to pick up Casey,
know what I'm saying?

I'm awake and I speak English,
so, yeah, I do know.

- What's your name, man?
- Scottie P., you know what I'm saying?

Again, I do know what you're saying.

But I appreciate you continuing
to check in with me.

- Hi! Bye. We're gonna go.
- Whoa, wait!

- Where do you think you're going?
- Out.

I have just made lunch.

- When are you coming back?
- I don't know, later.

DAVID:
No! Hey, stop! Stop, listen to me.

Once Kenny is ready, we're out of here.

We will leave with or without you.
If you're not here, we're gone. Got it?

Okay, fine. That's totally fine.

Wait. Come here.
I'd like to have a chat with your friend.

- Are you kidding me?
- I am not kidding you.

Would you please have a seat.

What is going on?

So, Scottie P.,
what exactly do you do for a living?

- Oh, Mom!
SCOTTIE: I work for A & J Amusements.

I'm rocking that Monkey Maze,
you know what I'm saying?

- What the hell is the Monkey Maze?
- Oh, it's like a Terrifying Deathtrap...

...but for little kids.

You're working at the fair. You're a carny.

No, I drive a motorcycle.

- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.

Yeah.

What about you guys? Where you, uh,
stopping in from, you know what I'm saying?

- Uh, D-town.
- Oh, Detroit.

No, no, no. The other one.

D-town. The other D-town.

- Denver...?
- That's the one. There you go.

- Colorado.
DAVID: That's the one.

Yeah, I love my Rockies,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh, you like the Rockies?
You're a baseball fan?

- Uh, no, the mountains.
- Of course.

Hey, those are cool tats, man.

Oh, for real. Thank you, bro.
You see the cobra?

- What's this? The one right there?
- Oh, this?

DAVID:
Uh-huh.

That's my credo. "No ragrets."

Mm-hm. How about that.

- You have no regrets?
- Nope.

- Not one?
- Nope. Ha, ha.

I wish I did. To talk about something.

Not one regret, huh?

That's how I been living my whole life.

I went to a tattoo artist, I was like:

"This how I live.
Can you put that on my body?"

- And he did it.
- Dad.

- Not even a single letter?
- No, I can't think of one.

- I love all the letters, know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

A lot of letters in the alphabet.
How many?

- It's in the 20s.
- It's definitely in the 20s, I agree.

Twenty-six, I think, if you count Y.

- Do you have any questions for us, Scottie P?
- Dad.

- How did you make her so hot?
- What's that?

- Uh, Casey.
- Aw, that's very sweet of you.

He wants to know
how we made Casey so hot.

- It's, uh...
- You guys had to...

DAVID: What'd you ask us?
- ...seminate, like, each other?

Uh... Sorry'?

- [MOUTHS] Oh, my God.
- Like, is there a way to make them, like...

...attractive? Like, kids?

- Doggie style. Know what I mean?
SCOTTIE: Dope.

[LAUGHS]

- Dad.
- Well, I love him. I think he's great.

A real winner.
If I were you, I wouldn't use protection.

Scottie P., you're the man.

- Yo, for real. Thanks, man.
- We're leaving. Bye!

- Nice meeting you. You do you, Scottie P.
SCOTTIE: You too.

[ENGINE REVVING]

ROSE:
Casey, make good choices!

Come on, she's gonna be fine.

Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet.

Actually, she might already be pregnant.

I cannot believe her.
Where the hell is she?

Look who is concerned about someone
other than themselves.

What? I just want to get back on
the road.

No, I know.

That kid was a dickhead, huh?

- Right?
- Know what I'm saying?

- Ha! Jerk.
- Unbelievable.

Must get her shitty taste in men
from her mother.

I'm sorry. It was a cheap shot.

Cheap shot, okay? I'm taking it back.

I'm sure your boyfriend Jimmy
is very nice.

He seems like a very good guy.

Well, he's not. He left.

Maxed out all my credit cards,
cleaned out my bank account...

...jetted out of town.

He stole my favorite mug. Which was
a pretty shitty thing to do. Even for him.

- I'm really sorry about that. That sucks.
- Whatever.

That's what you get
for dating a guy who dates strippers.

Ah, come on.

You're a lot more than that, Rose,
and you know it.

[CHUCKLES]

- What?
- Rose is not even my real name.

What's your real name?

Sarah.

With an "h"?

Yep. Right there at the end.

It's the best way to spell it.

- That's what my mother thought. Heh.
- Heh.

Well, David's not my real name either.

- Really?
- I'm being serious.

Wow. So you're being ser...

Well, so then, what's your real name?

Barbara.

- Barbara?
- Yeah, named after my mom.

Oh, so, what are you, like, a Barbara Jr.?

- You're Barbara Jr.
- You got it. Yeah, yeah.

My friends in high school
and grade school called me Babs.

Oh, scarred childhood.

Not really, not at all. I mean, I was in
musical theater, so I was actually revered.

Very funny.

You have a hair...

Yank, or put behind the ear?

Guess we could...

...tuck it back there.

[DOOR OPENS]

Whoa. What's going on in here?

We should ask you the same thing,
young lady! Huh?

- We've been worried sick.
- That's right.

Why are you guys talking like that?

Shit, is someone here?

Yeah! Yeah, us.
We're here. That's who's here.

We didn't know if you were dead
in a ditch! Huh?

ROSE: You couldn't have called?
Something?

Or send one of those text messages
you're always sending out?

"Hey, it's me, Casey, I'm not dead in a
ditch." LOL, picture of a whale, #YOLO.

- Anything!
- Okay.

Fine! Whatever!

Sorry.

- Whoa!
- Thank you!

ROSE: Was that so hard?
DAVID: Appreciate that.

- She learned a new word, Rose.
ROSE: Thank God. "I'm sorry."

Un-fucking-believable.

It's gonna be great.

Oh! There he is. Kenny!

- Okay, let's go.
- Oh, my God, you look so much better.

- Doesn't he?
- Like a thousand bucks. Let's go.

- Come on, we gotta hurry. Come on!
- Take it easy!

- Will you just relax?!
- Look, I can't...

ROSE: Oh, great.
- Aah!

ROSE: Kenny.
KENNY: That's my elbow. Oh...

ROSE: Are you okay?
- I think so.

Look what happens when you
run around like a crazy person.

What do mean? He's fine.
Come on, Ken-doll, hop up. Here we go.

- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with me?

- David!
- Look, this job has a deadline...

...and it's in four fucking hours.

If you think I'm gonna lose half a million
dollars because of Kenny's boo-boos...

- ...then you're out of your mind.
- Whoa. Wait a second.

You're making half a million dollars
on this deal?

- Uh, roughly.
- I cannot believe you.

Listen to me. I can explain.

You are making $500,000
and you were only gonna pay me 30?

You're getting 30 grand?
I'm getting a thousand!

Wait, you guys are getting paid?

ROSE: You're a liar.
- No, no, no.

- We want to renegotiate.
- No. No way.

- What? David.
DAVID: No. No way.

You made your deal with me, I made my
deal with Brad. We're getting outta here.

See? Good. Casey gets it.
We're not renegotiating now. Let's go.

I believe we are, right now, because you
wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for us.

You're right about that.

I'd be in Denver now if it wasn't
for you slowing me down.

Are you shitting...? Slowing you down?
What the hell are you talking...?

Whoa, where the hell are you going?
Hey, hey!

Hey, I said where are you going?

You know what? You leave,
you get nothing.

I don't want your money, okay?

Casey, come back.
We have to stay together.

- Come on!
- Why?

Because we're a family? Huh?

You want to spend Christmas together?
Help me with my homework?

Please. This whole thing
has been a total joke.

Oh, no, I'll tell you what the joke is!
You want to know what the...?

The j...

I'm not gonna tell you the joke!

You don't deserve to hear the joke!
Let's go.

- I don't think you knew the joke.
- I knew a joke.

We have to go back and get her.

What? Are you kidding me?
She left! Screw her, okay?

Are you coming with me or not, Rose?

Fine. I'll slide your check
under your door. Kenny, let's go.

Kenny, come on! Let's go, man.

We can't leave her, David. It's not right.

- You know what?
- What?

You all deserve each other.

Da... Wha...?

He'll come back.

Right?

SCOTTIE:
Yo, girl!

- I got your text. What's up?
- Hey.

Are you alone?

Yeah. You think we can go someplace
private and talk?

I know just the spot,
you know what I'm saying? Heh-heh.

[BRAD SINGING SCALES]

- A little better.
- See, you're not in synch with what I'm doing.

I'm just playing a major scale,
but, um, we can move it down.

- Let's move it.
- Shitty scale.

Stop talking. Just shut the fuck up.

[PHONE BUZZING]

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, Brad.

I'm just getting some singing lessons
from my main man Ben Folds Five.

- Ain't that right, Ben Folds Five?
- My name is Ben Folds.

"Five" is the name of the band.

You're fucking with me. I love it.

You gotta meet this guy.
Benji Five is a laugh riot.

Remember that song "Brick"
we used to listen to?

[SINGING]
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

It's... I've got... It's that guy.
I fucking got that guy.

He's like my personal bitch.

- Listen, is everything okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, things are fine.

I'm about 200 miles away.
I'll be there in three hours, all right?

- All right. Peace.
- Agh, fucking asshole.

Scales. Let's do this.

This gig sucks.

Don't talk to me like that.
I will have you killed.

And no one will miss
your fucking nerd music.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

MAN [ON RADIO]:
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Great. That's loud.

[TLC'S "WATERFALLS"
PLAYING ON RADIO]

[CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Yeah, nice try, radio. Nice try. Heh.

Okay. Ahem.

Let's get there.

Hoo.

Quiet.

And I knew better too.

But we were all on the road together...

...and it got kind of fun, you know?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

And I started thinking of us as kind of
like this...

Whatever, it's stupid.

- Fuck them.
- Yeah, fuck them.

Yo, right now, girl, Scottie P. is gonna make
you feel real good, know what I'm saying?

- Ha-ha.
- Uh, heh.

I'm sorry, I'm just feeling kind of cry-ey
and that...

- I'm just gonna go, okay?
- Come on, girl.

- You texted me. You know what's up.
- Scottie.

ROSE:
Hey!

Get your hands off of her!

Come here, Casey.

You put your hands on her again...

...I will rip that fucking tattoo
right off of your chest.

You know what I'm saying?

- Oh, really, bitch?
- Yeah, bitch.

You know what? Why don't you leave
the girls alone, man.

What are you gonna do, eyebrows?

One...

...two...

[SCOTTIE GROANS]

SCOTTIE:
Ow! Broke my nose!

You're an aggressive woman.
Know what I'm saying?

Are you okay?

I'm fine. That was awesome.
You fucking decked him!

I've dealt with handsy
assholes like him at work.

Let's just get out of here.

Thanks for the backup.
Why the counting?

If you're gonna punch someone,
punch them on one.

Well, David told me to count.

David? David hasn't punched
anybody ever.

I think this Way. Exit.

[HUMS FANFARE]

I have returned.

[CONTINUES FANFARE]

Ha-ha-ha. So here's what happened, okay?

I'm out on the open road, just by myself, right?
And I'm just beelining it to a huge payday.

And I start to realize something:
it's boring in here.

So I thought,
"You know what you gotta do, dummy?

You gotta turn this RV around
and go back and get those dip sticks."

Heh. I'm just kidding,
you're not dip sticks.

What do you say we go home?
Come on, let's go.

Hey, David? Go fuck yourself.

Uh...? Ha!

"Go fuck yourself."
"You go fuck yourself."

Rose, you say, "Go fuck yourself." Then
Kenny's like, "I don't want to fuck anybody."

This is what I miss, right?
The Ping-Pong action, the repartee.

Come on, guys. Let's get out of here, go home.
Get in the RV, go home, get out of here.

Come on, let's go!

- Whoa, hey, hold on. Where you going?
- Are you serious?

Look, look, look. Okay.

I know what this is about, and I get it.

All right?
We're gonna split the $500,000.

Evenly. Betwixt the four of us.

You guys get what I'm saying here?
Kenny, you wanna be like this: "Pfft!"

Like you're from... Right?
That's a lot of video games, kiddo.

All right, Casey, you can buy a house,
and run away from it.

You know what I mean? Like, whatever.
You get $125,000.

You get $125,000.

You get a... I mean, I'm like
fucking Oprah here. You know?

If she was a white dude at a carnival. Heh.

Come on, guys. Let's get in the RV...

...and take our butts back to Denver where
we're gonna be rich and we're gonna get paid.

[HUMMING]

- Come on, come on.
- Uh, David, listen.

You misled us. You left us.

And then you come waltzing back in here all...
I don't know what the hell that was...

...and you just expect
that we all just forget about it.

What's wrong with you?

How do we trust you?

[GROANS]

Okay, look, what do you want?
Do you want me to beg?

Kids? What do you think?

- That would make me feel a lot better.
- Works for me. Sure.

You're joking.

Wha...?

You really want me to get on my knees?
And beg you?

It's a good thing I'm wearing
my begging pants.

I usually only do this before sex.

Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going.
Please, please.

Ahem. Let's do it. Here we go.

Okay! To the RV, let's go.

Come on, Babs.

[LAUGHS]

DAVID: Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
There's clowns everywhere.

Here, let Pops get in here.

We're right down here.
I parked it next to an RV.

[EDIE & MELISSA
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[EDIE GASPS]

- Melissa.
- Kenny.

- Rose!
- Edie.

- Shit.
- Shit.

I never get used to that language.

What in the H-E-L-L
are you people doing here?

Uh... Uh, uh...

- We came to see the fireworks.
- Yeah. Fireworks.

Us too! That's so weird!
They're supposed to be amazing here.

- Melissa, can we talk?
- No.

- Mom, come on, let's go.
- Melissa!

Why are you being so rude?

Do you have your period?
Do you need a tampin?

Mom, I don't need a tampin.
I don't want to be near these people.

- Kenny. Let's go.
- We should get out of here.

- What happened last night was wrong.
- Oh, boy.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God, she knows.

My daughter knows what we've done.

Melissa, yes, it was wrong of me
to fondle Mrs. Miller's breasts.

You're right. I'm not gonna deny that it
gave me a certain amount of pleasure.

That said, your father and I are struggling
with some serious intimacy issues.

Okay, no, stop!

I'm not as tight as I once was.

- Look...
- He just falls right out.

It's like throwing a hot dog
down a hallway.

Ew! What are you talking about?

I saw Kenny making out with his sister
and mother while their dad watched.

What? Oh, my...!

- It wasn't quite like that.
- That's not exactly what happened.

Rose isn't my mom, she's not
my sister. We're not a real family.

ROSE: That's enough, son!
What are you saying?

He's been drinking. It's hard
to understand. He's being ridiculous.

David hired us to help him smuggle drugs
across the border.

You're drug dealers?

No! No, we're drug smugglers.
There's a difference.

There's not a difference.

Okay, Edie, we can explain, all right?

ROSE: This is a small misunderstanding.
It really is.

When he says "smuggle," he doesn't
know what he's saying.

- It's not drugs.
- He doesn't know what drugs are.

Seriously. It's just a little tequila.

What?

Oh, my God!

- Hey. Ah, thank God you're alive.
ROSE: He's got a gun!

Listen! Hey, hey, hey.
No, no! Wait, wait, wait!

[DON GRUNTS]

This is gonna be fun!

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

I still got it.

Don's a badass.

Oh, Don.

Melissa, go find a police officer.

Okay, Don. Don, listen to me.

No. Drug smuggling, David?

And to think of the moment we shared.

No, Don, there's another guy.

I don't want to hear about other men!

What? No! No, no! No! There's
another guy trying to kill us!

What? Who?

Pablo Chacon.

Pablo Chacon.

Buenas noches, Millers.

What is he saying?
What does that mean?

It's a familiar Mexican greeting.

You in the short jeans
and the funny mustache, give me the gun.

Melissa.

And the mug.

Please don't hurt her.

- Take her.
- Are you okay? It's okay.

Now the keys, please.

Here. Here, here, here.

Okay, great. You have your drugs,
so you don't have to kill us.

Oh, I don't have to kill you, huh?

You take my drugs.

You make me cross the border into
this fucked-up country.

You try to burn my face with steam!

- I'm sorry.
- You destroy my car!

And I don't like what you do to my man
every time we meet.

You are the worst family I've ever met.

But, you're right, I
don't have to kill you.

I want to kill you. All of you.

Stop. Stop.

Don't do this. Don't kill these people.

This is all my fault. I'm the one that
did this. I'm the drug dealer here.

This is an innocent family...

...in the wrong place
at the wrong time. Okay?

And this kid?

This kid's got the biggest fucking heart
I've ever seen in my life.

And I'm lucky to call him a friend.

Man, an hour ago, I would have killed
this girl for you.

But she's tough as hell.
And a lot smarter than me.

And this one.

You. Sarah.

You're the strongest woman
I've ever met.

And you'd make a great mom.

I love all of them.

Don't kill them.

Please.

Just kill me.

- Tell you what, I'll make a deal, okay?
- Okay.

I kill you first so you don't
watch your family die.

[FIREWORKS POPPING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[PABLO GROANS]

KENNY:
David.

MELISSA:
Kenny! That was amazing!

I'd like to think I taught him that.

MELISSA: Mm.
- I know I taught him that.

Put that tongue back in your mouth,
young man.

Oh.

Wow.

- You kiss a lot better than my sister.
- Hey!

- One, two, three.
- Mm-hm.

Well, Mr. Chacon, on behalf
of the United States of America...

...I'd like to welcome you to our country.

Grab a seat.

Sorry you won't get to experience
the freedom part.

Don, you're my hero.

[BOTH MOANING]

I want you to use those zip ties tonight.

[DON GIGGLES]

Here.

Thank you, David.

- We're gonna go.
- Not so fast.

EDIE: Oh, no, Don.
MELISSA: Dad, please.

Girls, hush.

I believe that you are good people.

But you broke the law. All of you.

And worse than that, you put my wife
and daughter's lives in danger.

- Sorry.
- Gonna have to place you under arrest.

EDIE: Don, why?
MELISSA: No, Dad, don't.

DON:
And I'm gonna do just that...

...right after I turn around...

...and hug my family.

David, come on.

BRAD:
It's all here!

I am blown away, David. Great job.

But it's late.

Deadline was last night, so,
sorry, buddy, no deal.

Brad, I almost got killed
over this shit. Twice.

I'm not gonna be an asshole about this.
I got two tons of premium weed.

Yes! And you got Chacon
pinched in the process...

- ...which is a huge win for team Brad.
- Mm-hm.

So how about we shake hands
and call it even.

[SCOFFS]

- You were never gonna pay me, were you?
- Oh! Bingo. Heh-heh.

Was that a dick move?
I can't even tell anymore.

[ALL SHOUTING]

AGENT 1: Move!
AGENT 2: Go! Go! Go!

DEA!

- Down, down, down!
AGENT 3: Get on the ground! Freeze!

Clear!

You double-crossed me.

Kind of a dick move, right?

BRAD:
You got nothing on me!

Nothing at all.

Oh, shit! Look at this guy.

Who let in 50 Cent?

- Nice work, David.
- Thank you, Don.

Now, I know you don't get your money...

...but doing the right thing
had to feel a whole lot better.

No.

All right, maybe a little bit.

As promised, in exchange for your
testimony against Chacon and Gurdlinger...

...we have to keep you in witness
protection for three to six months.

- Just me?
- Just you.

Oh. And any other witnesses to the crime.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

DAVID [ON COMPUTER]: There you are.
ROSE: I don't care.

- Look at this hot nerd.
DAVID: Rub some dirt on it.

- What are you doing?
- Look at this.

[CHATTERING OVER COMPUTER]

You gotta tell Casey to stop posting this stuff.
It's already got a million hits...

...and growing.

Okay, okay, I'll tell her after lunch.
Oof, you know what else?

I can see down your tank top.

DAN: Hey there.
- Hey.

- Wanted to introduce ourselves. I'm Dan.
- Hey, Dan.

My wife, Kathy. We just moved in.

DAVID: Hello.
- We're the Johnsons.

Oh, great. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Hey, guys. Come here.

Come meet our neighbors.

I'm David.

And this is my family right here.

This is my son, Kenny.

My daughter, Casey.

- And this is my wife, Sarah.
- Nice to meet you.

- We're the Millers.
DAN: Ah. Pleasure.

Thanks for saying hi.
All right, take care now.

KATHY: See you soon. Bye.
- Bye.

ROSE: I don't like them.
DAVID: I don't like them either.

Why introduce yourself?
I mean, who the fuck are you?

ROSE: I can't believe this.
We're stuck in the suburbs.

DAVID: Now, this sucks. I can't wait for the
trial to be over. Gotta get outta here.

Stick to the big A.

- Anal.
- Abstinence, you meant.

- Neither makes a baby.
- He confuses...

Oscars! For all of you!

That's very nice of you, but we're
not that good of an actor, no.

[CREW LAUGHING]

- Those guys are picking on that girl.
- Where?

[KENNY LAUGHING]

- I'll never forget these moments.
- What?

- And I hope you don't either.
- Ha-ha-ha.

MAN:
And, action.

It takes two men to open this
mini-fridge.

Aah!

It's literally so hard!

- Okay, you guys, seriously, you're mak...
CREW: Ha-ha-ha!

MAN:
Look, look, look.

- Ha, ha!
- Leave the girls alone.

What are you gonna do, freckles?
What are you gonna do, Don Knotts?

What are you gonna do,
guy with great posture?

[GRUNTS]

SCOTTIE:
Ow! Broke my nose!

I'm terrified of blood,
you know what I'm saying?

You just deviated my septum,
you know what I'm saying?

Uh, I want a Band-Aid.

ROSE: Closed?
- They're closed. Till morning.

Oklahoma.
Oh, poop.

Cheese and rice.
Ants on a log.

Poop on a Popsicle.
Oh, cock marbles.

- Oh, fuck.
ROSE: Ha-ha-ha.

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[CREW LAUGHING]

It just stopped at a certain point...

...and you just couldn't
insert it any more.

Well, I just looked like I had,
like, a Stormtrooper dick.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So I'm just gonna... There we go.
There they are.

This is crazy.

Those are just gorgeous, gorgeous,
gorgeous breasts.

[SNORTS]

MAN 1:
Cut! All right. Cut.

MAN 2: And, action.
- Whoo!

- How about a little victory music, shall we?
- Yes, please.

[THE REMBRANDTS' "I'LL BE THERE
FOR YOU" PLAYING ON RADIO]

- I love this song!
- This is awesome!

[DAVID WHOOPS]

[SINGING] You're job's a joke, you're broke
Your love life's D.O.A.

I'll be there for you

When the rain starts to fall

I'll be there for you

'Cause you're there for me too

That was really good.

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's very funny.

ONE-EYE:
Adios, Millers.