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1
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,000
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLATTER)
2
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,600
(THEME FROM THE THIRD MAN PLAYS)
3
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,320
(BIRDSONG)
4
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,240
For my next trick,
ladies and gentlemen,
5
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,960
a film about trickery,
6
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,760
and fraud, and lies.
7
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:46,920
Well, let's face it, almost every
story...is a sort of a lie.
8
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,720
Action.
9
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,400
What's in your pocket?
10
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,400
Hold it up, please, young sir.
11
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,320
Uh-huh.
12
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,880
Now that...is real magic.
13
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,200
Now...look in your pocket.
14
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,640
Yeah? (LAUGHS)
15
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,840
The coins are in your gloves.
16
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,480
This kid cannot act.
Cut.
17
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,560
What is it, you don't like magic?
18
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,320
It's not magic. You're a cheat.
19
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,360
(LAUGHS) That's why this is called
F For Fake, kid,
20
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,480
cos I am a charlatan.
21
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,840
We will shoot this whole scenario
again next week
22
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,920
with a different kid.
23
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,440
And then we'll snit it altogether...
24
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,800
..and that will be real magic.
25
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,880
Now, who do you wanna be,
26
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,920
do you wanna be the fool,
27
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,440
or you wanna be the guy
who fools everybody else?
28
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,160
Huh? (LAUGHS)
29
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,320
Welcome to the world
of make-believe, kid.
30
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,400
Let's go again, guys.
31
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,320
(WINGS FLUTTER)
32
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,600
If money was deodorant,
you'd stink.
33
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,120
You can't even afford
to pay the crew now.
34
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:18,320
-I've got to finish it.
-What's
so important about this one?!
35
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,240
It's F For Fake, right?
36
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,240
This is my life,
wrestling with reality.
37
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,040
It's...me.
38
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:33,440
Please. I spend my life...
trying to make movies
39
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,960
and mostly...not doing it.
40
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,600
You're a genius, Orson,
41
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but...no one wants
to finance your picture.
42
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I'm sorry...we have to close down.
43
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,760
Hmm.
44
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:57,040
OK, well...
I shall suspend production
45
00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:02,920
and, erm, go and raise the funds
myself, as per usual.
46
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Any offers come in for me?
47
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Er, yeah. Erm...
48
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we have...we have a commercial
from New York
49
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:18,280
Larry, have you forgotten what
happens when I make commercials?
50
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,400
And action.
51
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,520
Do you like brandy?
52
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,200
Hmm?
53
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,640
Well, this...is no ordinary brandy.
54
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,520
(LAUGHS) Trust me, I know.
55
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,720
(GASPS AND SIGHS)
Cut!
56
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,600
And that one you did
for garden peas.
57
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,440
I was not overtly sexual.
58
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:50,240
You said,
"Housewives love the pea-ness."
59
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:54,320
I was... (LAUGHS)
simply describing the flavour.
60
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,720
(BOTH LAUGH)
61
00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,200
Now, anything else?
Only...this,
62
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,160
er, from England.
63
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,120
Hmm?
Er, a television drama.
64
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,160
Hmm.
Shoots in Nor-wich.
65
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,840
Oh. And where is Norwich?
66
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,680
It's...it's out of town.
67
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:17,080
You know, like, erm... Vegas.
68
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,440
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Move, Linda.
69
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,520
We're back from the break
70
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,680
in three...two, one.
Which camera?
71
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,920
You're in my eyeline, Billy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Quiet, please.
72
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:40,840
And the police are treating today's
events as a serious incident,
73
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:44,160
but Mrs Gray said she didn't
touch him or his pigs.
74
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,840
In other news,
Anglia is proud to announce
75
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:51,400
that Hollywood star, Orson Welles,
will present Great Mysteries,
76
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,480
a new Sunday night series
of weird plays.
77
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:58,480
Mr Welles was Harry Lime in the
Oscar-winning film The Third Man,
78
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,880
he's the director of Citizen Kane,
79
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,200
voted third best movie ever
by the Yarmouth Gazette.
80
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,800
And he produced a radio play
81
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:09,520
that made Americans think
Martians have landed.(LAUGHS)
82
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,920
That wouldn't fool us in Norfolk,
would it? (CHUCKLES)
83
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,440
Mr Welles starts work
in Norwich this week.
84
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,920
And now for a look at the weather.
85
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,320
(Psst! Camera 2!)
86
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,400
Tomorrow, sunshine all over Norfolk.
87
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Just like Hollywood...only colder.
(LAUGHS) Good night.
88
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(MUSIC PLAYS)
89
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:36,040
(AIRCRAFT ENGINES WHIR)
90
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:46,800
Ohh! Did something die in here?
91
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,800
That's right.
92
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,280
Did you actually meet those
Martians?
93
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:56,040
Oh, yeah. Those little guys
got me into the movies.
94
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,120
-I'm a fan of yours.
-Oh.
95
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,800
Well, not you specifically,
I like American films.
96
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,120
Hmm. Oh.
97
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,480
So, they tell me that Nor-wich
is a little like Las Vegas.
98
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,160
No, you're thinking of Swaffham.
99
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,280
(Swaffham.)
100
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:16,400
(JET ENGINE ROARS OVERHEAD)
101
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,880
What the hell was that?!
102
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,720
It's the Yanks. From the airbase.
103
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:27,680
Where we Americans keep our secret
doomsday machines, huh, Billy?
104
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,160
Off we go.
105
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,840
(ENGINE STARTS)
106
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:46,040
(MAN)"And now, from Norwich,
it's the quiz of the week!"
107
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,840
(APPLAUSE)
108
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,840
Janet, sir.
109
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,200
I'm grateful to have you, Mr Welles.
110
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,800
Great Mysteries will be fabulous.
Oh, mysteries. I love mysteries
111
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,280
I'll be... Well, I'm looking forward
to directing your little pieces.
112
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,600
Didn't your people tell you?
You're not here to...
113
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,160
Your job in this project is much
more important than director.
114
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,800
Is that...possible?
115
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,840
Your voice is beautiful and...
Oh, you've got me as an actor.
116
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,120
(LAUGHS)
You're not acting either.
117
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,560
You're introducing the episodes.
118
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,720
What?
119
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,280
And we think
you're gonna to be amazing.
120
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,320
You hired me
to read the continuity?!
121
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:37,840
We'll begin by zooming in on you.
Ah, so you're directing, Janet?
122
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,840
I do a bit of everything here.
123
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,800
I'd like you to laugh
before your first line.
124
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,440
I do beg your pardon,
why am I laughing?
125
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,880
I could do a whimsical laugh maybe.
Great!
126
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,200
Everyone ready?
127
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,640
And action.
(CHUCKLES)
128
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,120
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Great Mysteries.
129
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,520
Cuts. Reset, please. Sorry.
130
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:04,920
We'll go again.
You wanna lose the laugh, maybe?
131
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,960
Could it be...
Could it be diabolical?
132
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:12,240
It certainly is headed that way,
Janet. (LAUGHS)
133
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:16,360
Yes, I can do diabolical.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) That'd be super.
134
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,320
And action.
135
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,520
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
136
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,200
and welcome to Great Mysteries.
Cut. My name's...
137
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,200
Reset, please.
138
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,920
Perhaps I could were a false nose.
Hmm?
139
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,800
I've always liked false noses,
140
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,840
they give a wonderful
illusion of reality.
141
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,480
Like this, Orson.
142
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,640
(MANNERED LAUGH)
Good evening.
143
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,680
Tonight's on Great Mysteries...
Huh?
144
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:45,600
(BOTH LAUGH)
145
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,600
(LAUGHS WEAKLY)
146
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,400
(CLEARS THROAT)
147
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,200
And action.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
148
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,840
and welcome to Great Mysteries.
149
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,640
My name is Orson Welles.
And tonight's tale
150
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,400
concerns an old lady who liked
to interfere with kittens.
151
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,840
Are you feeling all right,
Mr Welles?
152
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,040
I've been laughing six hours
straight and nothing is funny.
153
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:12,240
The Pope's balls
have seen more action than Nor-wich.
154
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,680
I'm vulnerable here, Lotte.
155
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,240
A sitting target.
156
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,640
You understand?
(WOMAN)"Yeah. What do we do?"
157
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,120
See you in the morning, Mr Welles.
158
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,320
Oh, right. Good night, Janet.
Good night.
159
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,200
Cheerio. Send something
to put me out of my misery.
160
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,480
I mean it.
161
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,160
Oh, Janet. Erm, bad news.
162
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,680
-He's gone.
-What?
Orson's disappeared.
163
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,680
You're having a laugh.
164
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,720
(MAN WHISTLES
THE THEME TO THE THIRD MAN)
165
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,840
He's not in make-up.
Where is he, Billy?
166
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,000
"Dear Anglia, I am Orson Welles.
167
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,240
I've been taken hostage
for crimes against cinema.
168
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,040
My films are travesties,
169
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,080
apart from the opening
of A Touch Of Evil,
170
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,080
which is quite good.
171
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:41,560
For my safe return, £5,000 must
be wire transferred without delay.
172
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:46,840
Fail to comply immediately and my
captors, an anarchist group,
173
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,760
will remove parts of me,
174
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:53,240
beginning with one...
that I am particularly attached to.
175
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:57,720
Any funny business and my captors
will shoot me in the face!
176
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:02,760
Curtains for Falstaff,
farewell Harry Lime. (LAUGHS)
177
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,400
God! Please help me!"
178
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,600
(WOMAN)"Cut."
179
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,320
(CHAMBER CLICKS)
180
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:23,160
Hmm! Did it seem believable?
You were terrific, Orson.
181
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,720
This will cut well. We can use
all the footage in Fake,
182
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,720
and the ransom money
will get the debts off your back.
183
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,040
Have you loaded the new roll, Clara?
Yeah.
184
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,560
Now, Lotte (LAUGHS) is not a
terrorist, she is however German.
185
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,040
Ja?
Ja.
186
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:44,040
And our technician Clara isn't.
187
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:49,080
Say hello.
Schonen tag! Say hello, Clara.
188
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,440
Er, hi.
189
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:56,320
And these are my partners in crime.
190
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,040
We're working on F For Fake.
191
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:05,400
Anglia's Great Mysteries
was not...floating my boat.
192
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,200
(LAUGHS) So...
193
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,760
we created out own mystery,
entitled The Missing Genius.
194
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,640
We're gonna have to put a chapter
-heading on that.
-Yeah.
195
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,640
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Yeah.
196
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:22,320
Now we've got 'em hooked,
let's reel them in.
197
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:38,080
So should I call the police or not?
-No, Billy.
-So what'll we do?
198
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,720
This is the biggest thing
to hit Norwich since...
199
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,280
This is the biggest story
to hit Norwich.
200
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,520
I've got to make the most of it.
201
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,560
How?
I'm gonna speak with him upstairs.
202
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,320
(LAUGHS WEAKLY)
203
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,560
Ohh!
204
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,920
I'm not allowed to make a crime
special about the kidnapping.
205
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,200
Is the boss gonna pay the ransom?
He won't negotiate with terrorists.
206
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,600
-The tight bastard!
-Orson's a dead
-man.
-We have to save him, Billy.
207
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,560
There isn't 5,000 in petty cash.
Hmm.
208
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,560
There's barely 100 in the tin.
209
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,920
Actually...
there's nothing left in the tin.
210
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,000
What are we gonna do, Billy?
211
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,160
Might be a bone.
212
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,160
It's definitely bony.
213
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,240
And it's not bendy.
Is it his bellend?
214
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,920
It's a cigar.
(SIGHS)
215
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,040
It's a warning.
216
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,400
We've gotta send them something.
217
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,160
Didn't you just get your bonus?
218
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,560
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
219
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,480
They only sent £200.
The note says
220
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,520
it's all Anglia have got,
but I've seen their hit quiz show.
221
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,840
-Sale Of The Century?
-They have money
for camping equipment,
222
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,320
crystal decanters, carpets.
That ain't real crystal,
223
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,400
not in Norwich.
224
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,600
What do we do now, Orson?
225
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,080
(PHONE RINGS)
226
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,200
Hello? Just a minute.
227
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,720
Janet, it's Orson Welles for you.
228
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,080
Mr Welles, are you all right?
229
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,760
5,000 saves my life. Get it to them.
230
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:58,040
It's half-day closing.
What is the matter with you?!
231
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,240
(WHIMPERS)
232
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,600
Infuriating...
233
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,960
parochials!
234
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,000
We're gotta get
something out of 'em.
235
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,120
I've always wanted to work
with the great Burt Reynolds.
236
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:14,000
Get me my hood,
it's...hoodwinking time.
237
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,680
"My captors
have decided to spare me,
238
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,520
despite your insult,
239
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:38,800
but they now wish
to make...a revolutionary film.
240
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,480
And I will not be released
until it is finished.
241
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:47,160
And Anglia must provide
the lead actor in this film.
242
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,080
You have 24 hours.
243
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,840
They want... Burt Reynolds.
244
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,280
Cut."
245
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,240
Burt Reynolds is a massive star.
246
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,680
No shit, Billy(!)
247
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,600
Burtie would be great for Fake,
and he owes me.
248
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,600
Yeah, but how will they
get a Hollywood star?
249
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,600
We should be more realistic.
250
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:13,200
(SIGHS)
Maybe ask for Nicholas Parsons.
251
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,240
No, no, no.
No, the ransom was a setback,
252
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,960
but great generals...absorb defeat.
253
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,400
Hi, Janet Spring, Norwich.
254
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,520
I'm enquiring about
the availability of Mr Reynolds
255
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,160
for a short terrorist film
set in Norfolk.
256
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,480
Directed by Orson Welles.
257
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,600
(MAN)"Uh-huh.
We'll be sure to get back to you."
258
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,600
(LINE DROPS)
259
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,920
Did Burt Reynolds' agent call back?
260
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,960
The kidnappers phone
in half an hour.
261
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,800
I don't wanna lose my job.
262
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,920
Orson says lies are fun
and false noses create character.
263
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,160
Smile, Billy.
264
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,120
Huh! I think that's pretty good,
actually.
265
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,480
(BIRDSONG)
266
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,120
Smile.
267
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,200
That's what they do in Hollywood.
Sure thing, sugar.
268
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:07,040
Best not say anything.
Just...here, chew gum.
269
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,000
Don't play with it!
It'll come off!
270
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,520
It's clever they found a flat area.
271
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,480
In Norfolk?
272
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,520
They won't chop off my...
will they?
273
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,960
They're Burt Reynolds fans.
274
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,960
Get out!
275
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,800
Say something, Burt.
276
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:19,800
-Howdy, Orson.
-As I live and breathe,
it's the real Burt Reynolds!
277
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:24,160
(LAUGHS) You're as much like
Burt Reynolds as my arse.
278
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,160
Burt Reynolds weren't available,
so...
279
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,720
You don't spend your entire life
in show business
280
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:32,240
and fail to recognise
a phoney Burt Reynolds...
281
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,120
..baby!
282
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,040
Aren't you about to get shot?
283
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,880
Maybe we should shoot him?
You couldn't shoot shit, Lotte.
284
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,200
It was a joke. I was being comical.
285
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,200
So you're not terrorists, then?
286
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:53,240
This is worse than when I made
The Merchant Of Venice in two days.
287
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,280
(WIND WHIPS)
288
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,600
(CHAMBER CLICKS)
289
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,960
Did you really think I wanted
to execute this boy, Clara?
290
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,400
Because I know
what you wanted to do with him,
291
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,720
yeah, put him
in an avant-garde porno.
292
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,280
It doesn't have to be avant-garde.
It always comes back
293
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,320
to the pornos with you, Clara.
You get it more often
294
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,520
if you weren't such
a (SPEAKS GERMAN)
295
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960
What's going on, Billy?
296
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,360
Be careful, please.
You'll put out an eye with that.
297
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,280
It's not a real gun, Janet.
298
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,720
They're not real kidnappers.
It's a scam.
299
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,440
And where's Orson Welles?
300
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,840
(THEME FROM THE THIRD MAN PLAYS)
301
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,280
(CHUCKLES)
302
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,240
I'm an artist, I play with reality.
303
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,920
And yet...
Anglia put my worth at 200.
304
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,560
Most of that came out of my savings.
305
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,120
Well, that's something.
306
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,040
You're ambitious, Janet,
I like that.
307
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,320
You wanted a star for your movie.
308
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,400
But you pulled a fake on me too,
remember?
309
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,600
To save your life, you haven't been
truthful with me for a minute.
310
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:35,200
From the age of six, I realised that
everything in this world is phoney.
311
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,160
What's your problem with reality?
312
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,960
I don't have a problem.
313
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,080
I've spent hours with you
on camera...
314
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,360
..and every line and laugh was fake.
315
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,360
I know who I am.
316
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,560
Then why are you
always someone else?
317
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,560
Cos I'm a magician.
318
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,640
You don't like yourself very much,
do you?
319
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,480
Hmm.
320
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,880
Sorry...that was harsh.
321
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:12,360
-Do you want the truth?
-Please don't
tell me about your childhood.
322
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,640
I grew up in this twisted industry,
323
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,440
and the fake me is the best of me.
324
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,600
It doesn't mean
325
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,000
you have to behave like an arsehole.
What if I am an arsehole?
326
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,000
Then, try and be a lovable one.
327
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,120
That sounds like hard work.
328
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,640
All this talk of arseholes
has made me hungry.
329
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,880
Where you taking me for lunch?
330
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,800
You know what, you can get it.
331
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,320
We'll split the bill.
332
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,280
Television is the future, Janet.
333
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,200
Film...is dead.
334
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,960
Action.
335
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,560
Good evening.
336
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,320
I'm Orson Welles,
ladies and gentlemen,
337
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,080
and welcome to Great Mysteries.
338
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,560
Tonight, a true tale...
339
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,280
..about a man who told...
so many lies
340
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,800
that eventually
he believed them himself...
341
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,680
and...lost his way.
342
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,720
And...cut.
343
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,720
How was that?
344
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,480
-It was truthful.
-Hmm.
It was real.
345
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,760
It was moving.
346
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,640
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
347
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,240
But how much of it was true?
348
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,160
Hmm?
349
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:58,400
Does the magician really
saw the beautiful lady in half?
350
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:03,600
Or are we all just complicit
because we want to believe it?
351
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,520
What do you think?
352
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,520
Good night.
353
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,080
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