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1
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,520
You bitch! This is war.
2
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,640
And they say the history books
are only written by the winners.
3
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,280
So, it looks like I'll need
to buy myself a new pen.
4
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,520
Oh, I know when to stop all right.
5
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,800
Just after I've heard
the thump, thump, thump
6
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,320
of me driving over
something thick and empty.
7
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:49,680
Like your head.
8
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:53,440
You thought I was playing a game?
9
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,800
Sweetheart, you'll know
when I'm playing games,
10
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,000
because I'll be holding a cricket bat
and looking for a couple of balls.
11
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,680
(SCREAMING, THUDDING)
12
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,640
Cut!(BUZZER)
13
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,720
And that's a wrap
on Miss Joan Collins
14
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,840
and that's a wrap on Dynasty!
15
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,880
(APPLAUSE)
16
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,920
Thank you, everyone!
17
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,080
This show would not be
the success it is
18
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,240
without all the work you've done.
19
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:33,000
I know for many of you, this may be
the end of the story, but for me,
20
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,640
it's merely the end of a chapter.
21
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,000
And a new chapter is just beginning.
22
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,520
Farewell.
23
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,680
Beautiful speech, Miss Collins.
-Very moving!
-Thank you, Steven.
24
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,640
Simon. It's been an honour to work
with you these last few years.
25
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,920
I can imagine.
Where will we see you next?
26
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,520
At the top of the best-seller list.
I'm writing another novel.
27
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,880
Oh, following in the
footsteps of your sister?
28
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,480
It's impossible for me to
follow in Jackie's footsteps,
29
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,440
because believe it or not,
I'm the older sister.
30
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,160
What's the book going to be about?
I can't tell you the plot
31
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,200
or I'd have to kill you! (CHUCKLES)
32
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:09,560
But it's going to be an epic story
of glamour, sex, passion, betrayal,
33
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:13,360
-and sex.
-That's a lot of sex!
There'll be oodles of it.
34
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,080
I'm sure it'll create
quite a scandal! (LAUGHS)
35
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,120
Goodbye, Steven.
36
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,520
(CAR HORNS BLARE)
37
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,280
(THEY MUMBLE)
38
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,440
Miss Collins. What an honour!
39
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,200
Alberto Vitale,
CEO here at Random House.
40
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,960
But I gotta be honest,
my main job is actually being
41
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,000
Joan Collins's No.1 fan.
Look, I don't have long.
42
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,960
I'm brunching with Roger Moore, and
you don't keep James Bond waiting.
43
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,720
The only reason I'm here
is my agent Swifty
44
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,280
said I should take this meeting.
You've got five minutes.
45
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,400
So, here at Random House,
we have absolutely
46
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,040
the best people for you
to work with.4.5 minutes.
47
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:06,640
This is Joni Evans.
Joni is one of the best editors,
48
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,320
well, in the world.
And No.1 Joan Collins fan.
49
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,720
He said that. You can't both be No.1.
(LAUGHS)
50
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,760
(THEY LAUGH)
51
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,960
I'm just gonna come out
and say this. Miss Collins,
52
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,520
you are a modern-day Jane Austen.
53
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:26,520
Thank you. But of course,
Jane didn't act as well.
54
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,320
Your previous novels, Prime Time,
and Love
55
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,000
the moment I read them, I knew
they were instant classics.
56
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,640
I get told that a lot. Three minutes.
57
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,800
Miss Collins, you'd be in great
company here at Random House.
58
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,520
I promise I will champion you
at every turn and Joni here
59
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,280
will be at your beck and call, 24/7.
We can provide...
60
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,240
I've heard enough. I very much
doubt you could afford me.
61
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,640
So, let's save ourselves
a couple of minutes.
62
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,680
Thank you, and goodbye.
63
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,720
$2 million.
64
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,280
A million upfront, a million
when you deliver your masterpiece.
65
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,520
Remind me of your names again.
66
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,880
♪ Tall and tan and young and lovely
67
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,280
♪ The girl from Ipanema goes walking
68
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,440
♪ And when she passes
69
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,840
♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!"
70
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,640
♪ When she walks,
she's like a samba that
71
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,280
♪ Swings so cool and sways so gently
72
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,320
♪ That when she passes
73
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,240
♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!"
74
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:45,200
♪ Oh, but he watches her so sadly
75
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
♪ How... ♪
76
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,400
I hate it.
77
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,120
(LAUGHS)
78
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,640
Are you going to let an editor
talk to me like that, Alberto?
79
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,800
Yes. I hate it, too.
What do you mean, "hate"?
80
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,920
-Strongly dislike.Abhor.
-Despise.
81
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,400
Yes, yes, we can all look up
"hate" in the dictionary.
82
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,440
-Thesaurus.
-Name one thing about
the book you didn't like!
83
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,040
The plot is nonsensical.
Characters are unbelievable.
84
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:22,560
-Littered with cliches.
-Boring
-to read.
-The sex is excruciating!
85
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,840
(LAUGHS) Nobody has sex like that!
86
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,920
I said, "Name one thing."Joan,
Random House cannot publish this.
87
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,160
The public adore me.
The book would sell!
88
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,840
Oh, come on.
You can't call this a book.
89
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,280
I mean, books have stories.
This does have a story!
90
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,880
And what's more, it's a story
that you gave me notes on.
91
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,280
Notes you patently ignored.(SCOFFS)
92
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,560
Just let me do another draft.
93
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,800
We could...spend more time together.
94
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:57,080
-Polishing it.
-You can't
polish...what this is.
95
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,120
It's dead, Joan.
96
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,000
Can't bring the dead back to life,
like you did in Dallas.
97
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,720
Dynasty.
98
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,200
You'll be hearing from my agent.
99
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,520
Swifty will have
your guts for garters.
100
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,480
By the way, I pity your poor husband.
101
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,840
Some of us do have sex like that.
102
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,280
(DOOR SLAMS)
103
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,760
Poor Swifty. He was only 86.
104
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,520
-MONTY:
-He would've loved the service.
More star-studded than The Oscars.
105
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,960
Wasn't easy having to sing the hymns
stood next to Frank Sinatra.
106
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,000
That Madonna can't sing a note.
107
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,200
Champagne? It's what
he would've wanted.
108
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,960
-Darling?
-What is it?
It's Random House.
109
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,760
-They're suing you.
-What?!
110
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,120
Bastards!
111
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,400
Swifty's body not even cold.
112
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,160
They want their $1 million back.
How dare they?!
113
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,960
I'll sue them right back.
Well, don't do anything rash.
114
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,200
I'm not being rash! When have
you ever known me to be rash?
115
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,640
-When you sued The Globe?
-And I won!
116
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,480
Every woman should be allowed
to sunbathe topless in her villa
117
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,080
in the south of France without
some creep taking photos.
118
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,280
I thought Pinky and Perky
looked positively majestic!
119
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,160
They always look majestic.
But that's not the point.
120
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,200
I took The Globe to the cleaners,
and I'll take Random House
121
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,560
to the cleaners. The book
I wrote them was a best-seller.
122
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,920
You loved it, didn't you, darling?
123
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,360
Oh, Joanie, it was tour de force.
124
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,040
Like nothing I've ever read before,
or I'm sure...
125
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,680
..will ever read again.
Thank you, Monty.
126
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,160
Then, they haven't
got a hope in hell.
127
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,880
I'll see them in court!
Now, make love to me.
128
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,760
Er, I'd just like to let
-those vol-au-vens settle.
-Now!
129
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,160
Not like in the book though, please!
(LAUGHS)
130
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,720
It's Day 1 of the showbiz
trial of the decade,
131
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:09,040
with Dynasty star Joan Collins
and indeed, literature itself,
132
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,800
both on trial. And you can
watch the entire proceedings
133
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,720
on Court TV. Miss Collins,
Miss Collins!
134
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,640
Are you worried you might
have to give $1 million back?
135
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,720
Miss Collins, can we
ask you a question?
136
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,760
(GRUNTING)
137
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,240
(GROANING)
138
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,480
(PUFFS) Oh.
139
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,200
-Pen.
-Are you sure about
dressing down like this?
140
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,280
Trust me. Today, we don't
want you looking like a star.
141
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,040
We want you looking like a victim!
142
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,520
Oh, OK. So, they got Robert Callagy.
143
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:50,200
-Is that good or bad?
-Good for them.
Not so good for us.
144
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,280
Is he a better lawyer than you?
145
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,320
The word I would use
is "infinitely".
146
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,360
What have I done? I haven't
got a hope in hell, have I?
147
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,800
Joan, we do have a chance.
148
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,920
Now, the case hinges on this.
149
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,560
In the deal Swifty
struck with Random House,
150
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,440
you only had to deliver
a complete manuscript.
151
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,040
Now, normally, a contract
would demand a manuscript
152
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,520
that was complete and satisfactory.
153
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:21,000
So, what we have to argue
is that your manuscript,
154
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,480
The Rules Of Passion, was complete.
155
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,920
-The Ruling Passion.
-That.
156
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,600
Course it was complete!
With 125,000 bloody words.
157
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,640
There you go.
158
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,080
-Did you read it?
-Sure I did.
159
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,880
-Did you like it?
-Gotta tell you.
160
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,000
Best book I read this year.
161
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,520
How many books have you
read this year?
162
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,560
We should probably get a coffee
before this thing starts.
163
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,840
Why don't you just lie? I thought
that's what lawyers were good at.
164
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,400
There's a lot of cameras.
Well, I guess you must be
165
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,120
used to this kind of thing.
I'm not used to this!
166
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,120
I'm used to having a script,
and retakes!
167
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,960
You'll be fine, just don't
look the jury in the eye.
168
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,080
And Joan, this is very important.
Try not to insult anyone, OK?
169
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,600
Even if the bitch
has got it coming to her?
170
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,960
Especially if the bitch
has got it coming to her!
171
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,560
All rise.
172
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:02,640
Right, let's get this done.
173
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:08,360
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
Random House vs Joan Collins.
174
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,840
You must decide whether Ms Collins
completed the manuscript
175
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,880
that Random has paid her
$1 million to write.
176
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:21,200
I'm told Joan Collins is
an actress in a soap opera.
177
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:25,760
-It's a drama!
-But don't let
her fame influence your verdict.
178
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,080
We'll start with opening
statements, please?
179
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,200
On behalf of Random House,
Mr Callagy.
180
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,360
You just watch him.
This is gonna be great.
181
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,640
Thank you, Your Honour.
Here we go...
182
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,320
It's really a very simple case.
183
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:49,200
Under the contract, Joan Collins had
to deliver a complete manuscript.
184
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,080
I emphasise the word "complete".
185
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,280
Miss Collins may have
written 125,000 words,
186
00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:00,520
but if those meandering words
make no sense whatsoever,
187
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:04,880
how can her book, if we can call it
that, ever be considered complete?
188
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:09,600
It is Random House's contention
that the defendant has to return
189
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,120
the advance of $1 million.
Throughout this case,
190
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,320
I will remind you, the hard-working
men and women of the jury,
191
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,760
that Miss Collins is a
professional actress.
192
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:25,160
So, don't be suckered in
when she plays the victim.
193
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,400
For in this case, she is
anything but. Thank you.
194
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,920
(THEY WHISPER)
195
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,800
Mr Burrows?
196
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:42,200
We will argue that "complete"
is a quantity term,
197
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,320
not a "quality" term.
198
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,760
-Is that it?
-Less is more.
Not always, in my experience.
199
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,920
Why not say The Ruling Passion
is quality? Tell them that!
200
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,080
That is not what
we're here to argue, Joan.
201
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,160
Please, you have to trust me.
Mr Callagy,
202
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,880
do you want to call your
-first witness?
-Thank you, judge.
203
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,520
The plaintiff calls Miss Joni Evans.
204
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,320
I've been looking forward to this.
205
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,720
Miss Evans, do you swear
the truth, the whole truth,
206
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,040
and nothing but the truth,
so help you, God?
207
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,440
-I do.
-Bet the bitch would
reject that book, too!
208
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,080
Miss Evans, you worked at
Random House as an editor.
209
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,120
Before The Ruling Passion
was written,
210
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,560
you had a few meetings
with Joan, correct?
211
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,320
-Yes.
-What was discussed
in those meetings?
212
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,440
We were trying to come up
with a credible plot.
213
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,880
So, Joni and I agreed on the plot.
214
00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,880
A story about a Princess Diana type,
and her sister.
215
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,400
Only in Monaco.
216
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,560
One has a miscarriage,
the other one has a husband
217
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,560
who's as gay as a daffodil...
(OTHERS LAUGH)
218
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,880
Once Joni and I had agreed
on that plot,
219
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,640
then I jetted to
the Riviera to write.
220
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:21,680
So, when you returned, what did
Miss Evans make of your work?
221
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,600
(SCOFFS) She told me the plot was,
in her words,
222
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,680
absolutely diabolical.
223
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:33,480
-And what did you say to her?
-I said,
"Joni, this is the plot we agreed!"
224
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,920
And Joni just said,
"Well, I made a mistake."
225
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,960
(CAMERAS CLICK)
226
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,880
What was your reaction on receiving
the manuscript from Joan Collins?
227
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:55,000
I remember feeling alarmed,
that it was very...primitive.
228
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,640
When you say primitive,
what do you mean by that?
229
00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:01,360
Well, it was not credible.
Jumbled and disjointed,
230
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,400
it was utter garbage, frankly.
231
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,240
Did you try to give
Miss Collins help on her book?
232
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,680
I told her if it needs a writer
who will work with you,
233
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,840
let's find that writer. If it
needs an editor or two editors
234
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,080
or five editors, let's do that.
235
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,960
Did she take you up on the offer?
No.
236
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,720
The bitch!
237
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,960
Did you have something
to add, Miss Collins?
238
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,400
Ah, no, my client
just...sneezed, Your Honour.
239
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,640
I repeatedly begged Joni Evans
for some face-to-face meetings.
240
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,680
And how did she respond?
241
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,120
She was too busy,
staying with Jeffrey Archer.
242
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,200
Who is Jeffrey Archer?
243
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,960
Who is Lord Jeffrey Archer?
Yes, who is Lord Jeffrey Archer?
244
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,720
Lord Jeffrey Archer is not only an
incredibly principled politician,
245
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,000
he's also the Charles Dickens
of our day.
246
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:55,040
And hosts the most wonderful
champagne and shepherd's pie parties.
247
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,120
I didn't get the invite.
248
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,160
(THEY LAUGH)
249
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,560
Yes, I admit I did go
to Jeffrey Archer's house.
250
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,800
-Which one?
-The one in The Bahamas.
251
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,440
Nice, and how long were you
there for? A day, a long weekend?
252
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,080
-A month.
-During this
sun-soaked month
253
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,240
in a millionaire's tropical mansion,
it was just you,
254
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,280
beavering away on Jeffrey's
-latest offering?
-No.
255
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,800
How many editors were
-out there with you?
-Just two.
256
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,720
So, just you and one other person?
No, me and two others.
257
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,880
So, three editors for
one month in The Bahamas,
258
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,200
all to help Lord Jeffrey Archer,
259
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:35,760
an author who's already
sold over 200 million books.
260
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,200
Well, unlike Joan's book,
261
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,520
Jeff's was actually salvageable.
262
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,200
(MURMURING)
263
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,360
The contract Joan Collins signed
says she needed to turn in
264
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,840
a complete manuscript
of 125,000 words.
265
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,920
-Is that correct?
-Yes.
266
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,720
Many contracts at Random House
say the author needs to turn in
267
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:59,600
a complete and
satisfactory manuscript.
268
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,600
Why was the wording
different for Miss Collins?
269
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,680
Her agent at the time, Swifty Lazar,
insisted on it.
270
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,440
Or he would take the book
off to another publisher.
271
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:14,400
So, is Miss Collins's manuscript,
The Ruling Passion, complete?
272
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,440
It's complete something.
273
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,040
(LAUGHTER)
274
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,400
Let me rephrase the question.
275
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,520
Did Miss Collins just randomly write
276
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:29,680
125,000 words in
no particular order?
277
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,320
Yes.
278
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,440
-Excuse me?
-Yes.
279
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,720
You're saying yes, she did?
280
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,840
Yes, she did.(GASPS)
281
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,280
So, uh... I just...
282
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,320
OK, so,
283
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,360
these 125,000 words were...
284
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,600
Were just arbitrary?
285
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,920
It wasn't gibberish, but it wasn't
what anyone would call a book.
286
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,320
So, you're saying a monkey
with a typewriter
287
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,600
could have written
The Ruling Passion?
288
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,000
Given enough time, sure.
289
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,040
(LAUGHTER)
290
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,320
(CHUCKLES)
291
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,760
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
292
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,280
(COUGHS)
293
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,920
-Joan, Joan!
-No questions, please.
294
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,480
What's it like to have your work
trashed on live TV?
295
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,240
Will you have to stop writing now?
I said no questions.
296
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,040
Have you spent the
million dollars already?
297
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,400
Are you broke, now
Dynasty's cancelled?
298
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,600
Is it true your book
could've been written
299
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,720
by a monkey with a typewriter?
300
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:41,160
Darling, you were wonderful today.
I was glued to the television.
301
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,680
-Bra-vo!
-It was a disaster.
302
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,320
"Disaster" is a strong word.
All right, how about "catastrophe"?
303
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,920
Joan, you're being melodramatic.
Monty, if I lose this case,
304
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,880
I'm ruined. I don't have the advance.
The money is long gone.
305
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,520
It's a million dollars,
you can't have spent all of it.
306
00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,160
It's not cheap being Joan Collins!
307
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,320
The public expect me to look
the part, day and night.
308
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:06,240
They don't realise
it's all just a fantasy.
309
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,400
There's this case, the tax man,
Swifty's share,
310
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,640
which he took to the grave, and
of course, Savile Row suits for you.
311
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,880
I'm Mr Joan Collins,
I need to look the part.
312
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,000
Darling, I didn't mean
to snap at you, but
313
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,560
for the first time in my life,
I'm frightened.
314
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,800
Promise you'll visit me in prison.
315
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,840
You don't get sent to prison
for writing a terrible book.
316
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,800
Oh, so now you think it's terrible?
317
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,360
No, no, I'm not saying that. That's
what they were saying in court!
318
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,160
What would you give
The Ruling Passion out of 10?
319
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,000
-10.
-You hesitated.11.
320
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,160
That's better.
321
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,320
Make love to me.
322
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,840
Maybe we should just finish
our champagne first.
323
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,000
(GLASS CLINKS)(GASPS)
324
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,440
(BELL RINGS)
325
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,360
OK. Here we go again.
326
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,760
Court is in session. Mr Callagy?
327
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,480
I'd like to call Miss
Lucianne Goldberg to the stand.
328
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:30,600
-Who is this woman?
-She's
an editor and a ghost writer.
329
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,560
Miss Goldberg, have you read
Miss Collins's manuscript
330
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,160
for The Ruling Passion?
I have, several times.
331
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,720
Perhaps you could summarise
what the book is about?
332
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,960
(SCOFFS) Well, I'll try.
333
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,000
(THEY LAUGH)
334
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:51,120
There are two sisters, I think.
One of them is pregnant,
335
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,520
except then, she's not.
There are a few hunks.
336
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,080
Someone's gay, and
there's a whole lot of sex.
337
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,120
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!
338
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,760
It's a mess. Even the sex is a mess.
339
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,560
OK, can we focus in on the story?
340
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,280
Objection, Your Honour.
341
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,280
This case is not about
whether the story makes sense.
342
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,320
Overruled.
343
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:21,200
Do you remember, one of the sisters,
Desiree, starting taking pills?
344
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,160
She developed a drug problem.
Sure, I remember.
345
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,400
And suddenly, there's no mention
of a drug problem whatsoever.
346
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,320
So, what happened?
347
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,360
It's a miracle!(LAUGHTER)
348
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,640
And at one point, Desiree
has a heart operation
349
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,240
caused by a stroke, from
the chemotherapy, of course.
350
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,560
And this is all before the coma.
351
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,240
Now, from the midway
part of the book,
352
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,280
none of these terminal problems
were ever mentioned again.
353
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,560
Now, how do you account for that?
Another miracle!
354
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,600
(THEY LAUGH)
355
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,240
I'd like you to read page 96,
the first five lines.
356
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:05,760
"'What's wrong, my little cabbage?'
He pouted sweetly.
357
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:10,400
"'How dare you, Pascal?! I'm
not anyone's little cabbage.
358
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,640
"'Least of all, yours.'"(LAUGHTER)
359
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,440
"She lowered her voice to a whisper.
360
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,920
"'You're still gay, aren't you?
361
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,520
"'Even after last night!'"
362
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:25,400
-Who's Pascal?
-I have
absolutely no idea.
363
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,960
Except that he likes cabbages,
and he might still be gay.
364
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,640
(LAUGHTER)
365
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,680
I have no more questions,
Your Honour.
366
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,040
Mr Burrows, your witness.
367
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,600
(CLEARS THROAT)
368
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,400
Good luck.
369
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,720
Miss Goldberg, it is I think
clear to everyone here
370
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,040
that as far as The Ruling Passion
is concerned,
371
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,200
there is some room for improvement.
372
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,360
(WHISPERS) Who's side are you on?!
373
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,920
We've heard a lot of negative
opinion about the book,
374
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,320
but what were its merits?
375
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,640
It's the right weight for a book.
376
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:03,240
So, there was nothing in those
125,000 words you found enjoyable,
377
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,120
nothing at all.
Oh, sure, I enjoyed it.
378
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,840
I'm just not sure if the bits
I enjoyed were...intentional.
379
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,200
Let's cut to the chase,
Miss Goldberg.
380
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,800
In your experience as an editor,
is the book fixable?
381
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,920
-Objection!
-Overruled.
382
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,760
Well, I'd have to take a pencil
and some scissors to it.
383
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,240
The question, Miss Goldberg,
was is it fixable?
384
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,560
Oh, sure, it was fixable.
385
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:33,480
Just like Desiree's drug addiction,
heart attack and terminal cancer!
386
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,720
Is The Ruling Passion
a complete manuscript?
387
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,560
-Objection!
-Overruled.
388
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,760
Is The Ruling Passion
a complete manuscript?
389
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,480
Absolutely.
390
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,000
No further questions.
391
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,000
(BANGS GAVEL)
392
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,880
No, don't.
393
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,520
Joan, don't be upset.
You're doing great.
394
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,520
Wish I could say the same for you!
We're on top here.
395
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,880
Lucianne has just put us
in the driving seat.
396
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,640
Didn't you hear her say your
book was a complete manuscript?
397
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,320
I couldn't hear anything
over the mocking laughter.
398
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,680
Mustn't take it personally.
It is personal!
399
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,000
Making me out to be some
sort of village idiot,
400
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,560
who couldn't write a shopping list.
Surely Joan Collins
401
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,800
has someone to write her
shopping lists for her?
402
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,760
Of course I do. Many of them,
but that's not the point.
403
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,040
I put my heart and soul
into that book.
404
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,240
Whether you did or you
didn't doesn't matter.
405
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,280
It matters to me!
406
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,560
My literary career is all I have now.
407
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,880
Roles like Alexis don't come around
again for an actress of my age.
408
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,920
You may not believe this, Ken.
409
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,200
But I'm 62.
410
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,040
-No?You hesitated!
-No, I didn't.
411
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,280
Yes, you did.
412
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,520
I know hesitation when I hear it.
413
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,920
I'm three years off
getting my free bus pass!
414
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:25,320
Well, every cloud.
This is hard, Ken.
415
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,480
It's harder than I ever
thought it would be.
416
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,520
I honestly don't think I can
hold it together if that bastard
417
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:36,400
-calls me to the stand!
-There is
no way that is gonna happen.
418
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,640
You said you delivered
a complete manuscript,
419
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,400
the expert has agreed. What else
is there to ask you about?
420
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,400
Going over the same ground's
only gonna weaken his case.
421
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:48,720
You mark my words. Callagy
won't dare call you today.
422
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,920
(SIGHS)
(BELL RINGS)
423
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,320
-How do I look?
-Absolute perfection.
Too fast this time.
424
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,000
(BANGS GAVEL)
425
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,120
And on it goes. Mr Callagy?
426
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,320
The next witness, please.
I'd like to call to the stand
427
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,120
Miss Joan Collins.
428
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,080
Miss Collins?
429
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,400
Did you think that
The Ruling Passion was good enough?
430
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,600
Good enough for what?
Answer the question,
431
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,760
at the time that you submitted it,
did you think it was good enough?
432
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,800
-Good enough for what?
-Did you
think the manuscript you delivered
433
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,400
was good enough for anything?
Good enough for anything? Um...
434
00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,840
-..yes.
-That's interesting. Because in
1992, you took The Globe newspaper
435
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,520
to court, because they took
pictures of you topless
436
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,920
in the south of France at your
villa. Isn't that correct?
437
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,040
-Uh, objection.
-Overruled.
438
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,800
Yes, that's correct.
And during that trial,
439
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,760
you testified that you were
so upset, you claimed
440
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,280
you could not concentrate
to write The Ruling Passion.
441
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,320
-Is that correct?
-Yes.
442
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,880
Miss Collins, this is the
testimony from that trial,
443
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,280
what you gave under oath.
May I approach the bench?
444
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,040
Please do.
445
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:40,440
Would you read page 126, line No.7?
446
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,560
And remember, you told
this jury under oath,
447
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:47,320
that you thought The Ruling Passion
was good enough for anything.
448
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,960
"I just knew it wasn't good enough."
449
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,160
And that was truthful
at the time, wasn't it?
450
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:02,160
It was partially truthful.
Wait a minute, you were under oath
451
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,680
at the Globe trial, weren't you?
452
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,960
Yes, but I...The question.
453
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,520
Miss Collins, I remind you
that when you take the oath
454
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,880
and you swear on the Bible,
it's for the whole truth,
455
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,400
not a part truth.
-Do you understand that?
-Yes.
456
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,080
Yes.
457
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,920
So, what you're saying is,
that you told one jury one thing
458
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,760
when you were suing for $20 million
and you tell this jury
459
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,640
another story, so that you don't
have to return a $1 million advance.
460
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:34,400
-Yes or no?
-No, I haven't...
No is the answer. Next question.
461
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:38,200
-Have you no shame?
-Objection!
Sustained.
462
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,040
(SIGHS)
I have no more questions.
463
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,760
Thank you, Miss Collins.
That'll be all, for now.
464
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,680
OK, court is adjourned.
See you tomorrow.
465
00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,440
(WHIMPERS)
466
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,280
Mm.
467
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:28,280
What's the matter, darling?
You've barely touched your caviar.
468
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,080
I can't eat at a time like this.
469
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,280
-I'm sick with worry!
-Just ignore
what the newspapers are saying.
470
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,840
What have they been saying?
As for that David Letterman,
471
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,880
he deserves a bloody
good biff on the nose!
472
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,960
Has he made a joke about me?
One or two.
473
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,520
But his jokes just aren't funny.
You actually look
474
00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,600
-fabulous for your age.
-Are you
trying to upset me, Monty?
475
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,560
No! I'm trying to
make you feel better.
476
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,560
People have been saying it's great
to have you back on the box.
477
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,640
-On Court TV?!
-It's actually
fantastic entertainment.
478
00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:58,520
Well, I'm glad you found it
entertaining, watching my life
479
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,120
unravel before the world.
Have some more bubbly!
480
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,360
Monty, I don't think you understand.
481
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,720
If I lose this case,
we lose everything.
482
00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:09,960
I don't think you have
anything to worry about.
483
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,480
The jury should be
on your side by now.
484
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:14,800
They must have lapped up
those crocodile tears.
485
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:18,360
A stroke of genius. I almost
believed them myself!
486
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,000
How dare you? Those tears were real!
487
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,720
I don't think you have the
slightest idea how distressing
488
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,200
this case has been for me.
I'm beginning to wonder
489
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,800
if you know me at all.
Oh, darling, I was just trying...
490
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,960
I'm going to bed, and
that's not an invitation.
491
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,840
Tonight, you can sleep on the couch.
492
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,880
(DOOR SLAMS)
493
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,560
(WHIMPERS)
494
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,160
(SNIFFS)
495
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,560
(TV PLAYS)
496
00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,600
-REPORTER:
-In court today, an
almost unrecognisable Joan Collins
497
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:04,360
was a shadow of her former self, as
she was accused of lying under oath.
498
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,880
(REMOTE CLICKS)
Joan Collins is
so old, she wrote her first book
499
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,920
on stone tablets.(LAUGHTER)
500
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:13,040
I know! I shouldn't be rude,
it sold very well.
501
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:16,000
It kept The Ten Commandments off
the top of the best-seller list.
502
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,240
(REMOTE CLICKS)
Call me a bitch,
see if I care!
503
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,680
I make no apology for being
a woman who goes out there
504
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:25,040
and gets what she wants,
every single time.
505
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:28,920
(MUSIC STOPS)
Look at you.
506
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:32,720
What have you become?
507
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,160
Don't ignore me, Joan.
508
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,480
-Me?Yes, you!
-Hey! (THUDDING)
509
00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:41,520
You've become a punchline.
510
00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:43,560
How are you talking to me?
511
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,440
It's a dream sequence, the sort of
thing we used to do in Dynasty.
512
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,720
Joan, what happened to you
in that court room?
513
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,920
You let them walk all over you
like the door mat at The Savoy.
514
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:56,360
Where was Joan? All I could see
was some meek little beige woman.
515
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,400
That's who I am.
516
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,280
(SOBS) A meek little beige woman
who writes trashy novels.
517
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,560
And apparently, I'm not
even any good at that.
518
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,400
Don't make me come out
of this TV and slap you.
519
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:12,760
Of course that's not who you are!
520
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:16,080
You're a ball-breaker. And when
I look around that court room,
521
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,200
all I see is a lot of balls
that are still intact.
522
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,520
Lovely speech, but
this is my real life.
523
00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,080
-It's not Dynasty.
-You're the star!
524
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,240
Why don't you behave like one?
525
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,360
I'm not a star any more.
526
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:35,080
If I'm honest,
527
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:37,160
I don't know who I am.
528
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,200
I'll tell you who you are.
529
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,640
You're Joan bloody Collins!
530
00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:46,640
Don't you ever forget that.
531
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,840
(CAR HORNS BEEP)
532
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:19,880
-Where's your client?
-I don't know.
533
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,000
She'll be in contempt of court.
534
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,640
What are you wearing?
535
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:45,680
Haute couture.
536
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:49,160
And before you ask, I don't think
they have it in your size.
537
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,800
Good morning, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
538
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:56,360
and welcome to the grand finale.
Don't look the jury in the eye!
539
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,880
We did it your way. Now,
we're going to do it my way.
540
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,080
Nice of you to join us!
541
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:08,800
Let's begin. Mr Callagy.
542
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:11,560
I wish to call Miss Joan Collins
to the stand.
543
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:15,640
(HUMS)
544
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:17,560
(WHISPERS) Joan?
545
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:29,280
Your Honour, she's taking too long.
Overruled! (LAUGHS)
546
00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,320
Joan, please.
547
00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:45,960
I love what you're wearing.
We could be twins!
548
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:49,400
Please, Miss Collins.
549
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,000
Sorry!
550
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,760
-You may begin.
-Miss Collins,
551
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,000
did Random House ever say to you
that your manuscript,
552
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,400
the one you submitted,
was not good enough?
553
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,720
What is this, Mr Callagy?
A memory test?
554
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,920
Answer the question.
555
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:22,720
(PUFFS) Yes, at same point.
556
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,760
Yes is the answer.
557
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,800
Now, would you look at
page 113, line 6?
558
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,040
-In my book?
-No, in your deposition.
559
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,160
You need to be clear, Mr Callagy.
560
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:36,080
It's what Random House is
paying you squillions for.
561
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,880
(THEY LAUGH)
In your deposition,
which you gave under oath
562
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,280
when I questioned about this case,
563
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:45,560
what was your answer
to that question then?
564
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,560
What was what answer
to what question when?
565
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:53,200
Did Random House ever tell you
that the manuscript you submitted
566
00:35:53,240 --> 00:35:55,240
was not good enough?
567
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:10,000
No.
568
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,200
Good. Now, page 1.
569
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,640
In my book or the deposition?
In your book.
570
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:20,840
You're confusing me.
Well, let me help you.
571
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,400
Oh, Mr Callagy, you're not
supposed to come close to me
572
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,440
without asking permission.
573
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:27,800
(LAUGHTER)
574
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,720
Your honour, may I approach?
You may approach.
575
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,440
That's quite close enough!
576
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,880
Is it true that your manuscript
was in such a terrible state,
577
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,440
that you couldn't find the title?
I gave it many titles.
578
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,320
So incomplete was your writing,
that at one moment,
579
00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:47,400
you called your book
The Ruling Passion.
580
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:49,760
Another, Hell To Pay.
581
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:52,600
And then, Lie Back
And Think Of England.
582
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:56,680
I've come up with a lot names for you
during this trial, Mr Callagy.
583
00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:59,920
But that doesn't mean I don't
know exactly what you are.
584
00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:01,960
(LAUGHTER)
585
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:07,160
Are there any further questions?
No further questions.
586
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,600
The defence rests, Your Honour.
587
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:13,280
I'd like to say a few words.
Please, Miss Collins. Sit back down!
588
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:18,280
This is David versus Goliath.
589
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:24,160
Goliath, the international
publishing empire Random House,
590
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,200
versus me.
591
00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:29,560
A humble, jobbing actress.
592
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,280
Mr Burrows, can you
-control your client?
-Nope.
593
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:38,040
They have attempted to humiliate me
by trashing my unedited manuscript.
594
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,080
I wrote them a book.
595
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:44,960
I put my heart and soul
into that book.
596
00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:49,240
(SOBS) And yes...
597
00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:51,640
..mad, crazy things happen in it!
598
00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:55,640
But don't mad, crazy things
happen in life?
599
00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:01,080
Nobody held a gun to their heads
to give me all that money.
600
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,920
I kept my end of the bargain,
601
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,880
but they did not uphold theirs.
602
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:09,920
David versus Goliath.
603
00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:12,800
We all know how that
story ends in the Bible.
604
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,040
Is that really a story
you want to rewrite?
605
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,120
Call me old-fashioned,
606
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,680
but I prefer God's version.
607
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,160
Finished?
608
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,760
Yes.
609
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,200
-You may continue.
-Thank you.
610
00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:36,840
Jury, you may now deliberate.
611
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,000
What the hell were you
doing in there?
612
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:43,120
Being myself, Joan bloody Collins!
613
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:46,600
Well, I hope that little
performance was worth $1 million,
614
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:48,960
because that's what it
looks like it's cost you.
615
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:54,720
(DOOR SLAMS)
616
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,400
(DOOR OPENS)
We're back.
617
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:18,440
(BELL RINGS)
618
00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:31,360
All rise.
619
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,720
With respect to the
allegation that Joan Collins
620
00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:56,280
failed to deliver
a complete manuscript...
621
00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:01,960
..how do you find the defendant?
622
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,320
Not guilty.
623
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:19,360
(GASPS)
624
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,080
Yeah!(APPLAUSE)
625
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,320
(CHEERING)
626
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,640
Order!
You don't own me...
627
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:35,680
Order! I'm not just
one of your many toys...
628
00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:38,760
Order!
You don't own me...
629
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:43,600
(BANGS GAVEL) Order! Don't say
I can't go with other boys
630
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,120
♪ And don't tell me what to do
631
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:53,360
♪ Don't tell me what to say...
Ho-ho!
632
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,320
♪ And please, when
I go out with you...
633
00:40:56,360 --> 00:41:00,640
-We did it!
-Yes, I did it.(LAUGHS)
634
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,680
♪ ..you don't owe me
635
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:09,880
♪ Don't try to change me in any way
636
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:12,400
♪ You don't own me... ♪
637
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,760
Will you sign your book,
please, Miss Collins?
638
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:19,800
-And this?
-Oh!
639
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,920
Well, I couldn't have done it
without my supporting cast.
640
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:26,320
My God, you can smile.
641
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,960
You were all so completely
stony-faced during the trial,
642
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,120
-it terrified me.
-We were told to.
643
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,840
Never let anyone tell you what to do.
644
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:36,040
Always be yourself.
645
00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:44,920
In answer to your question,
Mr Callagy.
646
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,400
No, I don't have any shame.
647
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:50,960
But I do have $1 million.
648
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,720
It's Joni, isn't it?
649
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:05,160
Happy reading!
650
00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:11,960
-Miss Collins!
-How do you feel,
Miss Collins?
651
00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:15,640
Extremely, extremely,
extremely happy.
652
00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:19,520
This has ended two years
of absolute hell.
653
00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:23,000
They laughed at my writing,
they called me a liar,
654
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:25,400
they dragged my name through the mud.
655
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,440
But I won.
656
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:30,200
Let it be known that I did not
take on this fight for me.
657
00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:32,240
Lord knows I don't need the money.
658
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,440
I took on this fight for
authors the world over.
659
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:39,040
And I can now announce
that this whole saga
660
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,840
will be the last chapter
in my new autobiography,
661
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:44,480
Second Act.
662
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:48,600
So, this story does
have a happy ending!
663
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,280
Good job! (APPLAUSE)
664
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:01,720
-I love you.
-Who can blame you?
665
00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:03,760
Make love to me.
666
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:05,880
I thought you'd never ask.
667
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:17,000
♪ And don't tell me what to do
668
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:21,360
♪ Don't tell me what to say
669
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:25,000
♪ And please, when I go out with you
670
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:30,160
♪ Don't put me on display, cos
671
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,720
♪ You don't own me
672
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:37,920
♪ Don't try to change me in any way
673
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:40,160
♪ You don't own me
674
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:45,440
♪ Don't tie me down
cos I'd never stay
675
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,600
♪ I don't tell you what to say
676
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,440
♪ I don't tell you what to do
677
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:59,320
♪ So, just let me be myself
678
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,800
♪ That's all I ask of you
679
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:06,840
♪ I'm young and I love to be young
680
00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:10,640
♪ I'm free and
I love to be free... ♪
681
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:12,680
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682
00:44:12,720 --> 00:44:15,480
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