All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s02e02_English

The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Romesh and I are back.

This place is outrageous, Rom.

We're not getting any younger

and there's a lot of stuff out there
we know nothing about.

Tracking a rhino.
In this series...

we're on a journey of discovery.
Am I into death metal?

Over the next four episodes,
we'll be delving into the worlds of

basketball...
(CHEERING)

..ballet...
I look like a circus strongman.

..and cricket...
-Oh!
-Yes, Romesh.

..to find what we like...
Yeah!

..and what we don't.
(BOTH SCREAM)

We might even discover
a hidden talent.

Argh!

Or we might just end up
humiliating ourselves.

You've booked us into a spa, and
now we're having tubes up our arse.

This week we're heading
to Los Angeles...

I'm buzzing.

..to learn all about
America's favourite pastime -

basketball.

The NBA have invited us
to play a game of one-on-one

at the world-famous Staples Center.

Don't wanna get humiliated
in front of 20,000 people.

And to prepare,
we'll be training hard

on the street courts
of South Central.

And embracing the LA lifestyle.

There's a lot going on in my body!

(CHEERING)

♪ LL COOL J: Going Back To Cali

♪ Stylin', profilin'

♪ Growlin' and smilin',
while in the sun...♪

We're in LA, Romesh.
Yeah?

Look, LA stuff. I'm buzzing.

We're here
to learn and watch basketball.

You a fan of it?

No. But what I would say is

that's not a hard no.
Yeah.

That a: I'm NBA-curious.

I do have some reservations.

My main reservation is, because
they're scoring points all the time,

you end up
with scores of, like, 120 to 117.

It's not like
scoring is a climactic event.

It's constantly happening.
The more scores the better, innit?

Also the more scores
the sort of diminishing returns.

Put it this way,
a blowjob a day for a month -

is that too much of a good thing?

No, but if I got ten blowjobs a day
for a month,

I think
I'd want a little bit of downtime.

I'd have a good two weeks,
then, sorry, tap out.

I'd want just two weeks on my own
-with a bottle of E45.
-Yeah.

Oh, is that Laugh Factory?
My first gig in America was there.

How did it go?
I'll tell you what happened.

The MC goes to me...

He's just like
a real sort of like...

like a cool black guy. He goes,
'So what's your name, man?'

And I said...er...
(LAUGHS)

I said, 'Romesh Ranganathan,' and
he just went, 'I ain't saying that.'

Refused to say my surname.
Yeah.

Introduced me as Romesh.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) 'Next act
is a guy from the UK, Romesh.'

And then I go up, do my set.
I come off. I've died on my arse.

Come off stage.
He spends ten minutes talking about

how I think I'm so famous
that I can go by one name.

What?!
But he absolutely roasted me.

(MIMICS) 'Everybody see that?
This guy thinks he's so big,

he can just go by Romesh.'

(GUFFAWS)

'Most people go by two names.
Not this guy. He's a big deal.'

I just stood there at the back

watching the guy rip the shit
out of me for something HE did.

(CHUCKLES) I like this guy.

I think I'd get on with him.
Yeah.

There's the Comedy Store.
-You've played there.
-Yeah.

What happened?
Died on my arse.

(CACKLES)

Tonight, we'll be watching
our first-ever live basketball game

as the LA Clippers
take on the Houston Rockets

at the Staples Center.
Kawhi Leonard!

Not only that,
the NBA have also invited us to play

one-on-one at the half-time show.

Small problem -
neither of us can play.

First to three. I don't know
if we're gonna get three in.

No, I don't think so either.

So it's only like the two-minute...

Are they willing
to delay the game by a day

while they watch us
try and get these baskets?

I think we'll get booed off.

We didn't have long
to level up our basketball skills,

so we're heading to South Central LA
for a lesson in street ball,

the NBA's bad-ass cousin.

That does not scream Rob Beckett,
does it, that, as a concept?

Ooh! He did a jump slam.

Slam dunk. That's it.

Don't say jump slam
when we're out there. Jesus!

Nick Anson is a street-ball legend,

and along with his crew
he was gonna put us to the test

to find out
if we had any game whatsoever.

♪ Voice out west

♪ Legendary self-made progress

♪ Last time that I checked ♪

We need your help, Nick.
I heard.

Big challenge, Staples Center.
Yeah.

Not much time either, huh?
Not much time or...ability.

I'll tell you what we're after.

Basics, and then maybe a couple
of cool tricks and stuff like that.

Yes.
That would be good.

Shall we get right to it?
Yes, please.

Guys, I'm gonna introduce you
to one of the most

notoriously-known
street ballers in America.

Senor North Cackalacky
AKA About My Bread.

Good to meet you.

Hey, nice to meet you. Ryan.
Nice to meet you, mate.

Do we need some names like that?
You have to earn it.

You can't just give each other
a nickname. You gotta earn it.

Senor Cackalacky's gonna
show you guys a couple of moves.

A ball for you, a ball for you.
Start with the basics.

We're gonna start
with something simple.

Spin move. Between the legs.

You've livened up, ain't you?
In between...

Look at that.
You'd be good on Strictly. Jesus! Oi!

Basketball,
it's something I wanna be good at.

Unfortunately, I was born in this
body with this level of ability.

Simply just drop that ball.
Drop it.

Drop it.
Oh, crap.

Right to left hand, just drop it.
Jesus Christ!

Rob has got this advantage
that he doesn't feel shame.

He doesn't feel embarrassment.
He's got a supreme confidence.

He's got that, and
I think that's part of the battle.

Do you know what I mean? He...

You think... You look at Rob -

Rob on paper
shouldn't even be in this area.

Dribble. Between the legs.

That's it, beautiful.

OK, OK, come on, guys.

Who would've thought Rob could
come down to South Central LA

and hang around with basketball
guys? But he's doing it.

What do you think, Hamilton?
How bad was that? Be honest.

It's a good start.
We're getting there.

That's better than me
when I started.

How old were you when you started?

Probably, like, nine.

So we're better than you when
you were nine? Cool. Thanks, man!

Now we'd got the basics out the way

with Senor Cackalacky -
About my Bread - AKA Ryan,

we were ready to learn how to dunk.

When it comes to dunking,
we're the best in the world.

So we're gonna introduce it.
You guys seen White Men Can't Jump?

BOTH: Yeah.

They lied to you.
Oh, yeah.

BOTH: Oh!

This is a ten-foot rim.

We're gonna bring it down to six
-for you guys.
-OK.

We're gonna put it
at second-grade level.

What's second grade -
15, 16-year-olds?

Yeah, more like
seven, six-years-old, yeah.

-Seven.
-Brilliant.
Five years old.

♪ FANFARE

Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, my God.
OK, OK.

Put a little flavour into it.
Remember what I said.

Oh, yeah, the jump start.
He did the jump start.

(LAUGHTER)

There you go. Oh, yeah.
All right.

Go grab it.
The coordination is amazing!

(LAUGHS)

The slam dunks were the most
humiliating thing I've ever done.

Oh, yeah.

I look like
there's something wrong with me.

It looks like a motivational story -
that I'd had some sort of accident

and got completely paralysed,
and now I'm doing that.

But for me in a full able body,
it shouldn't be that awful.

All right, ready, let's go.
Three, two...

Oh, yeah.
Oh!

(GIGGLING)

Oh, my God.

It's safe to say Rom and I had hit
a new low in our sporting careers,

but Nick seemed to think
we were ready to go head-to-head.

Not only would the winner
get bragging rights,

one of us would also be crowned
with a street-ball nickname.

We're gonna incorporate
what we've learned, right?

First to three baskets wins.

OK, game on.

Come on, you little fuck.

Nice.
Again, again.

Oh! Go crazy!

Come on, white chocolate.

Oh, my God.

The one-on-one with Romesh -
I've never been so tired in my life.

It felt like
the last mile of a marathon,

and all he did was back up into me.
I felt like I was at a strip club.

Ready for it, little bitch?
If you're asking me

how I think it went
based on how we actually did,

we were dog shit.

That was lung-bustingly awful.

So tired.
Yeah, I'm absolutely exhausted.

20 minutes in,
and with the scores 0-0,

Rob was starting
to get on my nerves.

So I took him out.

No, no, no, foul, foul, foul, foul.

Guys...
What? What, what, what?

He kicked me.
I didn't kick you.

You tripped me.
He ran into me.

Respect. Come on.

After an excruciating 45 minutes,
we still hadn't scored one,

never mind three,

so Nick changed the rules
to give us a glimmer of hope.

All right, next basket wins, guys.

I'm not gonna lie, the thought
of the game finally being over

was a massive motivation for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Let's go, team! Oh!

Yeah!
You bastard.

Come on, mate.
Champion right here.

Rrrah!

Rrrah!
Yes, yes, yes.

We're both awful.
Romesh got one lucky one in.

We played for 45 minutes.

In 45 minutes, one went in.
How long's the half-time?

Five minutes?
There's no way we'll score.

Champion of the game, you have
officially earned a nickname.

Bag Down Blind Man.
Bag Down Blind Man.

Sounds humiliating.
Bag Down Blind Man.

Can you spare a dollar?

Have I got a name?
Not yet.

OK. Fine.

Being on court for the entire
morning had taken its toll,

and with the challenge now
just a few hours away,

we were in desperate need
of some R

I've booked us a spa.

We're gonna have
a nice chill in a spa.

We go in, and they do an assessment
on us and then let us know

what treatments we need
or what they suggest we have.

We're gonna go and get pampered.
Like an MOT?

Like a full MOT.
-A fitness, health MOT.
-Yeah.

And then we'll be fit
and raring to go for the basketball.

That actually sounds lovely.
Be nice, wouldn't it?

That'll be really nice.
And it's an LA thing to do, innit?

They love that.
They love all that.

Health and fitness and massages.
Wellbeing and all that crap.

When we arrived at the spa,

we got straight into
the health assessment.

Gonna start with scanning you.
OK.

Based upon your voice,

there's a very, very sensitive
microphone in here.

So it will break down
your voice frequencies and suggest

what nutrition is lacking.
Yes.

And what pathogens
are kind of frequency detected.

You can hold this for me.
Yeah.

It's gonna tell you
exactly what you need to say.

So it's gonna suggest,
'Ah, ee, ooh.'

So there we go.

Ahh...

(GIGGLES)
Ahh...

Ahh!

Eee...

The way Rob described it to me
is that we were gonna come here,

we were gonna have a full test
and then they were gonna give us

some nice treatments
to make us feel better.

Ooohhh!

Ooohhh!
(SUPPRESSED GIGGLES)

As it turns out, what we were asked
to do was shout into an iPad.

Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

This is a shit show.

OK, so the results are done,
and when I take a look at it,

with both of you, I would start with
colonics. So we have something...

Pardon?
Colon hydrotherapy.

That is cleansing your colon
by use of water.

But how do you get the water in?

Insert a speculum up your rectum.

Here in California, you have
to insert yourself, actually.

I can assist you.

But that said my lungs.
Why do I need water up my arse?

Your colon
is the sewer of your body.

My colon's a sewer.

Two questions - how much water
and how big's the tube?

It's a very gentle procedure.

It don't start coming up your throat?
No. Probably not.

So are we doing...
Are we having that?

Who is first?
Who wants to go first?

Well, you did the voice thing first.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, I'll go first!

Yes, please.

If you fill these forms out,
I'll be back in a few minutes.

I'm gonna get the room ready.
Yeah.

Great, thank you.

This is mental.
Why have we agreed to do this?

Out of politeness now?

I don't know how we've got into this.
I do. You booked us into a spa,

and now there's tubes up our arse.
That's how we got into it.

I absolutely do not want a colonic,
by any stretch...

..but I absolutely DO
wanna see Rob getting a colonic.

So, it really is
a double-edged speculum.

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

Romesh and I are in LA
learning all we can about basketball.

Tonight the NBA
have invited us to go head-to-head

in a one-on-one challenge
during half-time

at a huge game between the
LA Clippers and the Houston Rockets.

Our training session this morning
had been an absolute nightmare...

..and what was supposed to be
a post-workout relaxing spa trip

was quickly becoming a disaster.

Why do I need water up my arse?
Your colon is your body's sewer.

My colon's a sewer.

There was no turning back now.
I was about to have

my first-ever
colonic irrigation treatment.

And to top it off,
Rom was coming along for the ride.

-Hi.
-Hiya.
How are you today?

Yeah, I'm all right.
OK, Rob, I'm Chantelle.

I'm gonna be your therapist today.
Hi, Romesh.

All I need you to do right now
is just lie on your back,

so we can get you started.
OK.

Now, what's your reason
you're having the colonic today?

Erm, a woman...
iPad.

Yeah, an iPad. Lady with an iPad
-told me that it was essential.
-OK.

I don't know what
the best way to say this.

How much tube will be in my bottom?

About a half an inch.
-Half an inch?
-Yes, sir.

Who inserts the tube?
Rob will insert the tube.

I will help him guide it in,
but he will definitely insert it.

So, this is the tube.
Oh, for...

OK?
So we're gonna get you started now.

Don't jump. Just I want you
to breathe and relax if you can.

Let me have your hand. And
you're just going to insert it...

Agh!
Guide it in.

I need you to breathe and relax.

Very good. Breathe and relax.

Oh...
OK.

Oh, my God.
I'm connecting your speculum.

You're connecting my speculum?

I want you to take a deep breath,
OK,

and then turn on your back.
On my back.

Keep your knees bent because my
hand will be here most of the time.

This is mental.

How much are you enjoying
your NBA experience so far?

I thought
-there'd be more basketball.
-OK.

Rob, if you could look over here.
Yeah.

This tube gives you water.
OK.

Right now
I'm filling you with water.

And I'm going
to release the pressure.

Yeah, there it is. That's...
OK, I'm gonna flush you again.

That is actually better.
That is quite comfortable.

-That feel nice?
-OK, good.
You're doing really well.

I'll give you
a little massage on the tummy.

Where's that going?
This is going on your...

ON my tummy? OK.
Right here on your sigmoid area.

You're doing really great, mate.

(GURGLING)
Well done.

This is good. Do you want me to...

-OK?
-Yeah, cheers, babe.
Just right up in here.

Yeah, cos you can focus
on the filling, then.

(DEVICE WHIRS)

(GIGGLES)

Ooh! Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

(SHRILLY)
There's a lot going on in my body!

Oh.

It's silly.

(GROANS)

Take a deep breath again.

Your stool is starting to release.
Oh, that's my...

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I don't ever want
to look at that tube again.

I can't, it's in my way!

Why is it worse for you?

Rob, I can't, I can't.
I've just seen...

OK. Take another deep breath,
and just relax your core.

Relax the core.
Mm-hm.

Pretty backed up there.
I am backed up, ain't I?

That does happen when I fly.

You're starting
to break up hard faecal matter.

Oh, Jesus!
There we go.

There's a lot coming out,
-isn't there?
-Yeah.

Oh, fuck me!

Looks like a bit of shandy.
Oh, God!

It's a bit red as well.
Oh!

Yeah.
Is that too red?

No, that's what you've eaten.
-Something in the colon.
-Beetroot.

It's firing through now, ain't it?
Oh, my God!

You feel it moving now?
It's marching out of me.

It's the gas pressure.
Oh, my God.

And just breathe.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck! I'm so sorry.

That's so dark, Chantelle,
I don't like looking at that.

Oh, Jesus!
-There we go.
-There we go.

That's a lot. That is one of
the worst things I've ever seen.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

It feels like there's been
a fire alarm in my stomach.

Are you feeling a little lighter
-in the area there?
-Yes.

I'm gonna send you to the restroom.
Rom, you get out the way.

Will I be able to get
-to the restroom?
-Yes, you will.

OK.
Good luck, Rob.

Yes, turn to the side.
OK.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Go, go, go.

Take your time.

That was a good one.
Oh.

He had a great cleaning.

I need a moment.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

After seeing Rob's treatment,
my enthusiasm had taken a dip.

I don't wanna do it.
I don't want Rob in the room.

I'd rather if they said, 'There's
an outside tap and a hosepipe.

Just do it yourself.'

So you're gonna insert
the speculum into your rectum.

I can assist you if you need me to.

It was insertion time.
Are you ready?

And unfortunately, Nurse Ratched
wasn't calming me down.

And place the speculum
by your rectum.

It's gonna be a little cold.
Oh, my God. That's got to be enough.

Oh, my God.
That's the whole fucking thing!

It's the whole thing.
(LAUGHS)

You insert it in yourself. So it's
slightly dramatic, but it's OK.

And there was a very good reason

why I'd asked Rob
not to be in the room.

(GUFFAWS)

(MANIC LAUGHTER)

Roll over onto your back.

Slowly, slowly, slowly,
you're gonna come onto your back.

And then...
Oh, my God.

The water going in didn't feel good.

Oh, God, that...

Oh, my God!
(CACKLES)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

And it didn't feel
any better coming out.

Oh, no!

In fact it was worse

because my poo had an audience.

Is it mushrooms?
Mushrooms?

Yeah. That's the mushroom.

That's
an actual Portobello mushroom!

(CACKLES)

Eat your m... Fucking chew
your mushrooms, you monster.

I've not fucking eaten
any Portobello mushrooms.

OK. Let's...discharge, thank you.

OK...
And with that...

There you go, mate.
..our colonics were over.

(LAUGHS)

But I had a feeling that
they might haunt us for ever.

The clock was ticking
on our one-on-one challenge,

and in less than two hours
we'd be centre stage

in front of
thousands of basketball fans.

But the NBA must have heard how
awful our training session had been

because they called us up
to the Staples Center early

to see how bad we really were.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Here we go...

Ready?
Yeah, I'm ready, mate.

Just imagine 20,000 people.

Oh, my God.

Rob looks like...

such an absolute twat.

Why would you
put the rest of the outfit on,

look in the mirror
and think that needs a headband?

(LAUGHS)

Looks so ridiculous in his kit.

Rob, try and dunk.

(LAUGHS)

That's not helpful, is it?
Sorry.

You look like
a cool teacher from the hood,

and I look like
one of your students that's ill,

and you've pulled a few strings.

I look like a teacher
that's brought a kid along.

He's a fat white kid.
He's got some sort of condition

that makes him think
he's a six-foot black man.

I'm going downtown, mate.

Oh, that's wide.

You know why you look all right?
Cos of the headband.

If I had that on, I'd look fine.

Let me show you, look.
You take that.

That's better, innit?

You look all right with that on
as well.

What an absolute joke.
Why have you got it on backwards?

Is that better?

I don't know why you...
Why do I look so...

I'm in the same stuff as you, but why
do I look so much more ridiculous?

You look absolutely fine. You look
like that's what you would wear.

Is it the shoes?
Do you wanna swap shoes?

You look all right, man.
(SIGHS)

A few hours later, the Staples
Center was packed with fans

waiting to see the LA Clippers
take on the Houston Rockets.

ANNOUNCER: We are
at Staples Center in Los Angeles.

The crowd was buzzing
and the pre-game show was immense.

I feel like I'm in The Matrix.

I cannot believe
the production values on this.

And as the players got ready
to start the game,

we realised our half-time
performance wasn't our only problem.

They're only wearing
the other kit, mate.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

So neither of us
have got the right kit?

We're full-kit wankers.
Not even the team are wearing them.

COMMENTATOR: Takes it. Yes!

The Clippers had started well,

but there was only one thing
we could think about.

I don't wanna get humiliated
in front of 20,000 people.

It's like you get invited
to the most amazing party ever,

and then - at the last minute - you
find out your mum's coming with you.

Yeah, and you've got
to dance with her and kiss her.

-Wind up on her.
-Yeah.
Feel up on her batty.

Yeah, bang your mum.
Yeah.

George wide open...

With just a couple of minutes
until half-time,

the Clippers
were a massive 17 points ahead.

The biggest lead of the night.

We should've been happy, but
then an NBA official called us up,

and our one-on-one horror show
was about to begin.

Hang on, one second.
All right.

Well, that's what we thought.

Hello, mate, you all right?
Pleasure.

I'm sorry to tell you
that you will no longer

be performing in half-time.
Oh, OK. How come?

We just don't have room
-in the programme for it.
-OK.

You will not be performing.
OK. Well, cheers, then.

I'm not sure I was buying
his no-room-in-the-programme story,

but I didn't care
because the news was a game changer.

-Mate.
-What?
We don't have to do it.

Are you winding me up?
No, we don't!

(CHEERS)

Go, Clippers!

So fucking pumped.

Are you being serious?
Yeah. Not doing it.

-Why?
-Too much going on.
They're over-running.

For the first time,
we could actually enjoy the game.

Come on!
And now the chains were off.

Cheers, Robbie Beckells.

The beers kept flowing.

COMMENTATOR: There's George.
I love the NBA, man.

And things were about
to get even better.

I want a T-shirt, mate.

Whoa! Oh, T-shirts!

Ah!

You got one!

This is insane.
There was a lot to look at.

This is like an ADHD nightmare.

But the entertainment was next level.

What the fuck is going on?

The Grinch. It's the Grinch.

Deep in the fourth quarter
Houston's James Harden turned it on.

COMMENTATOR: Gets it away...

Houston are winning, right?
Yeah.

COMMENTATOR: And...

set-up from Harden.

Oh, my God, this is mad.

It's Harden!

And the Clippers had left themselves
too much to come back.

The Rockets won the game 122 to 117.

(HORN)

COMMENTATOR: Rockets go to...

The Clippers might have lost,
but it was a big win for us.

We'd swerved the challenge.

My arsehole might never be
the same again, but what a night.

But as we'd been axed
at the last minute,

the NBA wanted to make it up to us,
so they had something else planned.

And this time
it was a little closer to home.

A month later,
the NBA was coming to Europe,

and they'd invited us
to watch the first-ever Paris game

between the Milwaukee Bucks
and the Charlotte Hornets,

but there was one catch, and
Rom weren't gonna be happy about it.

Bit of Paris, mate.
Very nice.

I've got some excellent news. We're
going to the Bucks-Hornets game.

Brilliant.
Yeah. No challenge.

Don't have to do one-on-one.
Good.

Also we are gonna be part of
the in-game entertainment team.

What are you talking about?
So we get to do all the stuff -

you know, the dancing,
getting the crowd hyped.

What exactly are we gonna be doing?
Honestly?

Don't know.
They'll tell us when we get there,

but it'll be more than one thing.

Why are you worried about it?
What's the problem?

Why AREN'T you worried about it?

What's your problem? It's gonna be
shit to do the entertainment.

Game, great.
I know. I know that,

but we've got
to try and keep the mood up.

Yeah, but don't pretend
that you're gonna enjoy it

like some sort of goddamn lunatic.
(MIMICS) Goddamn lunat...

You just accept...
Goddamn!

Oh. (LAUGHS)
I mean...

Am I having an argument
with an Alabama housewife? (LAUGHS)

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Goddamn lunatic coming around here.

Goddamn lunatic!

You're a real prick, you know that?
Ooh!

He bit.

(CHEERING)

Since falling in love with basketball
after our trip to America,

Rom and I were in Paris

to watch the Milwaukee Bucks
versus the Charlotte Hornets

in what will be the NBA's
first-ever game in the city.

But there was one problem -

we were gonna have to be part
of the in-game entertainment.

We are at the beck and call
of the NBA because

they've given us access to
this game. Tickets are hard to get,

but in exchange for that, we are
basically their bitches for the day.

We'd arrived at the arena
ready for rehearsals.

We're about to discover what fate
awaited us later this evening.

Hey, what's up guys?
Nice to meet you.

I'm Rob. Nice to see you.

My name's AJ. I'm one
of the producers with the NBA.

Ready to have some fun?
Can't wait, mate.

Let's talk about this dance cam.
We've basically been told that

we are taking part
in a dance-entertainment element.

This dancer called Salif,
he's doing a show.

The dance cam's gonna go round

and you're gonna see
members of the crowd dancing,

and then it's gonna cut to two guys

that are really going for it
and showing some skills.

I think you know
who these two guys are.

Parisian viral dance sensation -
yeah, that's a thing - Salif

has clocked up
millions of views worldwide,

and for some reason
AJ thought it would be a good idea

if we were his backup dancers
at tonight's game.

When you hear the music, you'll see
the dance cam - just keep doing it.

Our camera will pick you up -
you guys are doing your thing.

Crystal will be here to set you up.
We'll just pretend to be rubbish.

So it makes him look better.
I'll save the good moves for later.

What's wrong with you? Just don't
-talk in those situations.
-Why?

It is clear what we've got to do.
I panicked.

Then you start
doing all this stupid shit.

I know, but I'm nervous.

'And we're gonna pretend
to be rubbish to make...'

-Do you want me to be honest?
-Yeah.
I try and make people like me

cos, when I disappoint them,
they'll take pity on me, OK?

PA SYSTEM: Dance cam.
Now, here we go, it's time to dance!

Dance cam.

(LAUGHS)

The idea of showcasing
my pathetic dance skills

on a 20-foot jumbotron screen
was just sinking in.

(HIP HOP DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
Oh, that's us.

Yeah.

Rob, great!
Whoo!

Romesh, great.

Rob and Romesh, come on, guys.

Here we go. You got it.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Where the fuck is Salif?
(LAUGHS)

(MURMURS) Do the move.

Yo, yo, guys. Guys, guys.

Go on, then. Go on, then, mate.
He's confident.

I'm absolutely exhausted.
That was so long.

That was so much longer
-than I thought.
-So long.

That is better, innit?

Ooh!

My God!

Hold on, I'll try.

That's really hard.

It was pretty obvious

Salif was gonna have to carry us
through this performance.

But, surprisingly, AJ's assistant
Crystal had some bad news for him.

So you push through
and then you start

breaking down right in front of them
and then dance right here.

You're not gonna be in the middle.
I don't go there?

It's just
we're gonna run out of time.

OK. OK.
Hm, that's bad for us, isn't it?

It's bad for everyone.
That's very bad for us.

He really wants to be centre court.
Absolutely.

I feel like
I've just witnessed a sacking.

Salif will be right in front of
us, so we are gonna be in frame,

in front of the whole arena for the
entire duration of the performance.

I had been told, 'You're
just gonna be in the beginning.'

But, no, turns out we're in back of
frame for the entire goddamn thing.

So, what a great result (!)

She'll be right here,
just to let you know,

when she'll do the tap, like,
when to go.

Now AJ had introduced
this new bit of choreography,

it was time
for another painful rehearsal.

(DANCE MUSIC)

What are we doing? (LAUGHS)

We're now in this the whole...
I know. I know.

Oh, crap!

We're gonna steal it.

Shall I stay here, right?
That was a bad development.

Terrible news for us. Terrible news.

It was totally good
when he was going to centre court.

Bit of an insult to what he's doing.

Bit of a compliment
to what we're doing.

If I was him, I'd be furious.

These two tossers that I've just met
are in the background ruining it.

That's amazing, mate. You're so good.

You're good, man.
Thank you.

Are you happy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool.

And you're not annoyed
that we're in it, no?

You're happy with our...
with what we did?

Are we ruining your bit
by being so bad?

No, no, it means a lot more...

Much better.
Brilliant.

Any pre-match nerves,
give us a shout.

Cool, thank you.
Cheers, mate.

Looking forward to it.
Hope we don't let you down.

With our first rehearsal complete,
we'd been placed on standby.

Here's a question for you.
Yeah.

Do you currently prefer
football or basketball?

Top three sports.

OK. Not what I asked, but carry on.
(LAUGHS)

One, boxing.
Two, basketball. Three, football.

It's got
everything you need from a sport.

The dunks look cool.
Yeah.

The trainers are cool.
-You're inside.
-You're inside!

Do you know what I mean?
But that is a massive advantage.

I love it when a lanky white geezer
scores a three pointer.

Of course you do.
And it's not...

And it's not really his job
to score three pointers -

the whole team reacts.
They go mad on the touchline.

It's like when your ugly mate
pulls a girl in a nightclub.

You're like, 'Oh!'
It's like that time

when we were at that nightclub.
We've never been to a nightclub.

Finally,
we were called up for our next act,

and with
all the trampolines involved,

it wasn't looking good for us.

Here goes...
Oh, my God!

What is this act called?

White Men Can Jump as long
as they've got a trampoline?

The Dunking Devils are
world champions in acrobatic dunking

and we would be taking part
in their half-time show.

He looks like me, innit?

He's literally my entire shape.

Got the same posture and body
shape. Does it make you feel bad?

Cos he can do that?
With exactly the same tools as you.

Not until you said that.

But also what is worrying,
he is in shape,

he can do all that - still looks odd.

It's weird.
It's something about your type

that doesn't look good
-in any scenario.
-No.

I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's cos I'm choad.

Do you know this?
I'm as wide as I'm tall.

Hey, guys.
Hey, man. Romesh.

Jan. Nice to meet you.
Rob. Nice to meet you, mate.

You good?
Perfect. How are you guys?

Are you the manager?
The manager of the team.

What's the blond guy called?
Which one?

The little good-looking one.
Nik.

Yeah? Nik?
Nik.

Where are you based?
In Ljubljana in Slovenia.

Ljubljana, I've been there.
Lake Bled's lovely.

Yeah, it's nice.
So you have been?

I've been to Ljubljana, yeah.
Did you meet Nik?

I might have met his mum.
How old he is?

18.
18. Right, OK.

Makes sense.
Nice to meet you.

(LAUGHS)

And is Nik quite...
Is he quite annoying?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, a bit.
OK. It's all adding up, isn't it?

Does he talk a lot
and doesn't know when to shut up?

He's the annoying one
-for the group.
-Really?

I didn't know you could get someone
pregnant wanking alone in a top bunk.

(LAUGHS)

There wasn't a hope of us
being able to do a dunk

without causing ourselves
some serious injury.

But Jan had come up
with something more suitable

for two guys with
absolutely no athletic ability.

So you guys are standing
with the ball in your hand.

The guys are gonna dunk over you.

We call this the pyramid.

But I would prefer
if you guys go on shoulders.

Shoulders?
Yeah, sit on shoulders.

And hold the ball.
We call this the pyramid.

I'd argue that we're heavier than the
people we're gonna be sitting on.

I wouldn't say so.
They're big and muscular.

Are we gonna get double Beckett?
That would be amazing.

Like a totem pole of Becketts.

Two brothers trying to get into
a cinema over-18s in a big long coat.

So whilst the Devils finished their
practice, Rob got a little taste

of what he'd been missing out on
for the past 18 years.

Here he is. He's the showman
of the group, though. He loves it.

He loves the spotlight.
He's the star, isn't he?

He's a show-off, but
with none of the requisite ability.

It's mad, isn't it?
He's my son.

Go on, Beckett.
Yes!

He destroyed that.
Yes, Beckett.

Genes done good.
Now, pull your shoulders back

and bring that bottom lip in.

'Absolutely smashed that, didn't I?
Absolutely smashed it.

I did great.'
(LAUGHS)

With practice over, I couldn't resist
organising a little family reunion.

Romesh. Nice to meet you.
Hello.

Yeah, my son's here today.

Hello, mate. Are you all right?
Yes, Daddy.

Can we have a picture together?
-My boy, look.
-Yeah.

Done good, ain't he?

There you go. Getting Craig Bellamy
round for a three-way.

Finally, some family pictures!

Yeah, I'll sort you out
with those birthday presents!

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

Since falling in love with basketball
after our trip to America,

Rom and I are in Paris

to watch the Milwaukee Bucks
versus the Charlotte Hornets.

But there was one problem -

we were going to be part
of the in-game entertainment,

humiliating ourselves
in front of a sell-out crowd.

ANNOUNCER: We welcome you
to the AccorHotels Arena,

as the number-one team in the NBA,
the Milwaukee Bucks,

get set to take on
the Charlotte Hornets,

and all the celebrities on hand
to see Giannis Antetokounmpo,

reigning MVP in the NBA.

The Bucks were odds-on favourites,

but with the Hornets' owner Michael
Jordan in town to watch his team,

they were bound to put on a show.

Charlotte wins the tip,
and they're underway.

The game had started, but soon
we would be appearing on dance cam,

in front of the entire arena,

and that's pretty much
all we could think about.

I cannot believe

Thiago and Mbappe

and Neymar are here...

and we're about to dance like
absolute bellends in front of them.

It's an equivalent
of going to our parents -

when we did that dance
in front of Pele?

Remember when you embarrassed
yourself in front of Maradona?

You can't embarrass yourself
in front of Maradona.

Mid-court heave. Ooh!

Off the side of the rim.

The Hornets closed out
the quarter in the lead.

So we were just moments away
from doing our dance with Salif,

and as we'd railroaded
his performance in rehearsals,

the question was -

just how bad were we gonna make him
look in front of his hometown crowd?

Can't wait.
It's gonna be so humiliating.

Dance scout and show...

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Here we go!

The dance cam, yeah.

Want everyone to move.

Oh! Oh!

What?
This is personal.

So unhappy.

Yes. Yes.

Give it up for Salif!

He went over there,
don't give a shit, does he?

That couldn't have gone better.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

AJ from the NBA had said to Salif,

'You're not gonna have time
to get to centre court.

What you've gotta do
is you break through the two guys

and then you dance in front of 'em.'

Salif saw us dancing,

he thought it was SO shit

that rather than do
what the NBA had told him to do,

he sprinted to centre court
to cut our part dead.

That is how shit we were

that he ignored the rules and
regulations of the organisation

to go and dance away from us.

That -
you've got to take that as a diss.

So here finds Williams
another attempt...

That one goes down.

The second period is well underway,

and soon we'd be humiliating
ourselves once again.

This time with the Dunking Devils
during the half-time show.

(BUZZER)
And the first half comes to an end.

As the players left the court,
the Devils started their show.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Go on, Beckett.

Oh, Beckett!

He done the splits. Yes!
That's his boy.

All the anger, all those years
of not knowing his dad.

-No birthday cards.
-All that anger.
No phone calls.

Anger of never seeing his father
until now.

Then we were called into position
to sit our back-breaking weight

on the shoulders
of two unlucky Devils.

(HIGH-ENERGY MUSIC)

Whoo! Did it go in?

Go, Romesh.

Right in front of Neymar, look.

We killed it.
Smashed that. Smashed that, mate.

All the lads.
They all saw.

-They loved it.
-Big fans.
They loved it.

Trust me, they loved it.

They're not saying it now,
but they were absolutely buzzing.

Look at them.
They can't take their eyes off us.

Neymar loved it.
Yeah, Neymar.

Absolutely loved it.

He's talking about it now.

Shall we go past that way
and try and get a high five?

There was a lot of security
around Neymar,

but Salif was already
getting a picture with him.

And after he'd mugged us off earlier,
we were owed a favour.

Oi, do it with us as well. Get us...

Oh, sorry. That was awkward.

I was just trying
to find my dance partner.

Don't back off from me now.

This is really embarrassing.
Just never put that on the telly.

That can't make the edit.
Actually, to be honest with you,

that's got to go in.
(LAUGHS)

That was so bad for him.
Really bad.

He got absolutely mugged off.

I just thought
that our dancing mate was there.

He just watched his son
absolutely smash it.

You were buzzing.

You got carried away
and you got absolutely mugged off.

I'm gonna go back in.
I've got to go back in, haven't I?

Do not go back in.

That was really embarrassing.

That was so good. Sorry.

Whoa! (LAUGHS)

I'm so upset with myself.

I am buzzing. It was so much...
There was no other outcome.

It was SO humiliating.

Everybody saw.

You walked up, you tried...
(LAUGHS)

You tried to piggyback on Salif's...
I know!

All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

For the first time, we actually
got to sit down and watch the game.

And after having trailed
since the start,

the Bucks needed to turn it on,

and they did.

Connaughton with the slam.

The Bucks lead the Hornets.

But just as
we were starting to get into it,

the NBA called us up again.

This is us.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Whoa! Holy shit!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

T-shirt cannon!

T-shirt cannon!
Fill it up.

OK, go for it.

Whoo!

T-shirt cannon!

And we just made it back to our seats

to see the Milwaukee Bucks
win the game.

From Middleton a three.

That should do it.

(BUZZER)
And it's going to Milwaukee,

a 116 to 103 victory.

I'm buzzing.

You're only buzzing
because of Neymar.

Cheer up.

What do you think of the NBA,
honestly?

The game's amazing,
but also the music... Yeah.

..the trainers.
Yeah.

I've found a new thing to be into.

I didn't think
at this stage of my life...

I've just, basically, up until this
point, really, I sort of thought,

I'm into what I'm into,
-just wait to die.
-Yeah.

Now I have fallen in love
with the sport.

It's been an h...a pleasure.
You was gonna say honour, then.

I was gonna say honour,
but it felt too much.

It's been a pleasure...
It's been enjoyable.

It's been... It's been a pastime.

Don't double...

Too much?
Double shoulder's too much.

It has been a pleasure
to discover NBA with you, Bobby.

Thanks, mate. I loved it.

Get some medical help, and see if
we can get our arseholes realigned.

We'll sort our arses out.
It'll go back at some point.

I still feel like I'm walking funny.

You look like you've lost weight.
Maybe it all came out of your arse.

♪ I wish I was a little bit taller

♪ I wish I was a baller

♪ I wish I had a girl
who looked good, I would call her

♪ I wish I had a rabbit in a hat
with a bat

♪ And a '64 Impala

♪ I wish

♪ I wish

♪ I wish

♪ I wish ♪

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