All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s01e04_English

The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Ten years ago, Rob Beckett and I met
on the comedy circuit,

and we've been friends ever since.

I think we complement each other.
He's sad, I'm happy.

He'll always smile about things.

It's just a shame that
that smile is so punchable.

(LAUGHS)

Now, we're putting our friendship
to the test...

Why are we in this vehicle?
Bigger the better.

..as we travel the world together...

I'm gonna get out of here and smack
-your arse with this.
-Get out, then.

..to meet some of the greatest
athletes on the planet.

(LAUGHTER)

..as well as some of
the biggest stars...

Hello!

..from the world of music
and entertainment.

(LAUGHTER)

So far in this series...

Oh, God!
(LAUGHTER)

..we've been pushed to our limits...

I'm more nervous now
than I was my first ever gig.

'We've gone toe to toe with
the NFL,

trained to take on
the world's fastest man...'

Jesus Christ!

'And exposed ourselves
in New York City.'

Look at my tits.

'This week, back in London,
we had an experience

that was, once again, going to push
us out of our comfort zone.

We were on a mission to see
if we could master the art of
the superstar DJ.

CHASE
I make hits not the public

I tell the DJs what to play
Understand? ♪

'Let's be clear about this
from the start,

neither of us have any experience
DJing whatsoever.

But given the rise of the superstar
DJ of the past 20 years,

we thought there might be room for
us to branch out.'

It's just playing
other people's music, innit?

DJs now are megastars.

They are the richest...

They're like the rock 'n' roll,
like, The Rolling Stones when rock
'n' roll was huge and mega... Yeah.

..and it was crazy private jets and
groupies and drinking and partying.

That's what a DJ is.

Our clubbing life, if you like...
Mmm.

..has been due in the time that DJs

have gone from being
in the background

to becoming megastars.
Yeah.

Fat Boy Slim.

He was the big DJ of our time.
Weren't he?

He was.
He's the one everyone went mad for.

(CHUCKLES)
Why you laughing?

Some people who are watching this
are thinking fucking "Fat Boy Slim"?

(BOTH LAUGH)
How old is he?

Got their fingers on the pulse.
Oh, yeah.

'With our knowledge of DJs firmly
stuck in the '90s,

we needed someone
to bring us up to speed.'

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

'So, with the help of
superstar DJ Jonas Blue

we will be put through our paces

before going on to perform
a headline set

at one of the capital's
top nightclubs.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MUSIC MIX INTRO)
CHASE

♪ Baa baa black sheep
rock star rap G

♪ Make enough dough to own
a black card that's deep

♪ The only thing that's bigger...

When was the last time you went
on a night out? To a club with a DJ.

Fifteen years ago.

♪ Don't say that
I didn't ever warn ya...

DJs, for me, have been
a gateway to more beer.

So you need something to drink?

Yeah. But you don't give a shit about
the music.

♪ Don't make me have to show ya...

I'd never really liked gigs
for music or DJs,

cos I liked going to a pub.
I don't really like music.

Superstar DJs is not my world.
No.

I've got absolutely no respect for
it whatsoever. It's not an art.

They take a USB, they plug it in,

it's already been done
as far as I'm concerned.

They don't all do that, do they?

How do you know?

I don't, to be fair. They could do.

'It was clear
we had a lot to learn.'

'Luckily, we were off to see
Jonas Blue

at the house the USB built.'

What a gaff he's got.

I know.
It's nearly half the size of mine.

Come on, mate. Have a day off.
(LAUGHS)

Ah, here.
I'm a bit nervous about this.

Don't be nervous, mate.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Hello, mate.
Yes. Hello, mate. How are you?

Hello.
Rob. Nice to meet you.

I'm Jonas. You all right? You good?

Yes. We are ready to, well, mix.
Learn how to DJ.

-Ready?
-Yes.
You look ready.

Ready for a lesson.
What I'm gonna do is,

before we start this,

I want you to go out tonight.
OK

Go and explore
what the clubs have to offer.

Be ravers for the night. See what
they all want, and enjoy it.

And then come back
and I'm gonna teach you how to DJ.

So do the homework...
Then learn how to be a DJ.

Have you double booked
Joel Dommett and Nish Kumar?

(LAUGHING) I'm busy tonight.
(ROB LAUGHS)

You can go on my tour bus...
On your tour bus?

Otherwise you're gonna waste
-my time.
-OK.

Do that and come back,
and then we'll get into it, so...

Would have appreciated that over
text, rather than coming all the way
to Essex.

-But not a problem.
-Sorry.
-Nice to meet you.
-Don't drink.

Too many drinks.
We'll be...

We won't. We'll be good.
Professional?

We'll learn and do our homework.
-Yeah.
-Cheers, mate.

I'll see ya later.
-Good.
-Yeah.

Fucking piss-take.

I've come to Ongar.

I've come to Essex...
I know.

..to be sent off on a bus.
(EXHALES)

However, as it turned out,

his bus was somewhat of an upgrade
from the 273 I get

from Petts Wood to Lewisham.
What a journey that is!

We're gonna roll up in a tour bus
like absolute dons...

Yeah.
..then we're gonna go in,

get given wristbands...
I can't wait to do this to a bouncer.

Read that, dickhead.
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey!

I'm in, you prick.

Also, is it sad that just two
middle-aged men

get off a bus, and no one else.

It's one of the most tragic things
ever.

It's an overblown form of transport.
-We don't need this much space.
-No.

I don't even know the driver's name.

'Not only had Jonas lent us his bus,
but he'd organised meet-and-greets

with some of the world's
biggest DJs.'

What do you reckon he's getting
mileage-wise out of this?

Do they still have cloakrooms?
Clubs?

Are you gonna dance at the clubs?

I don't really dance.

'As we arrived back in London,

it was time for the first leg
of Jonas' tour...'

(DANCE MUSIC INTRO)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes. Oh, mate.

Driven backstage into Wembley.

(BOTH LAUGH)

This is quality.
You know what I mean?

'..where the undisputed
king of drum and bass, Andy C,

was finalising his sound check
ahead of tonight's performance.

(MUSIC REVERBERATES THROUGH VENUE)

That sound check, it definitely
works, doesn't it, the sound?

When I first arrived, I was like,
"Ah, I could be here all night."

And then, about two minutes in,
I was like, "That's too much."

Yeah. I don't know.
I feel like it's pumping through me.

The atmosphere in here
is gonna be ridiculous.

Also, I've just found out
he's playing a five-hour set.

Kinda like Wimbledon
drum and bass.

Hello, mate.
Lovely to meet you.

You all right?
Andy, lovely to meet you.

Thank you so much for having us.
My pleasure. Thanks for coming down.

This is amazing.
This is dreamland.

I was stood up the back
looking at it,

trying to soak up the moment and
all the build-up that goes with it.

When this has 12,000 people in it.

It's awesome.
The sound is really good.

How much of the five hours
is mapped out in your head?

I know what I wanna play at the
beginning, but I look in the crowd.

So if you see somebody over there

he's liking, enjoying
an emotional tune,

or somebody's got their heads down
and they like the stompers,

you think, "OK. In ten tunes' time
I'm gonna give you a little section,

and then you just get in this flow
and you pick up audience members.

Do you think that,

superstar DJs have become a thing
in the last ten, 15 years,

have you noticed a difference in the
way the DJs are treated and revered?

From a technical standpoint,
D

so, you know, I don't know.

Some people stand up there and
just push 'play' and jump around.

Are there people robbing a living
just putting on already mixed CDs.

I would not like to suggest that
that's the case.

Would you be surprised if
you found out they were?

Nnno.

Look, congratulations.
Thanks a lot.

Good luck, man.
Well done.

-Lovely to meet ya.
-Ooh!
(ALL LAUGH)

(LAUGHING) Cheers, mate.

Now, looking forward to the gig,
but with plenty of time to kill,

we had time to take stock of
what we just learned.

♪ OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Shimmy Shimmy Ya

(LAUGHTER)
Oh, shit!

Right.

(ROB LAUGHS)

That's how you pour it!

-Oh!
-Cheers, mate.
Cheers.

I'm absolutely loving this.
Right?

Basically, I turned up thinking
we were gonna get a DJ lesson.

I've told Lou I'm out working,
he's sent us out on a night out!

It's unbelievable.

(MUSIC STARTS, AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(MUSIC INTRO BUILDING UP)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER MIC)

(CHEERING, AIR HORNS BLASTING)

Heads up!

Oggy Oggy Oggy!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(TURBO BASS MUSIC PLAYING)

This has been a long time
in the making, people.

(MUSIC TEMPO SLOWS)

Tonight is for all of you lot
who are representing turbo bass.

Hands up in the air
and jump with us.

Let's go!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You're in Wembley Arena, baby.
Let's do it!

(MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(MUSIC PLAYING)
Let's go, gangstas.

(TURBO BASS PLAYING)
Blow!

(BASSLINE, MUSIC DROP)

Let's go gangstas
Blow!

(CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Scatter!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC DROP)

Let's show Wembley something
it's never seen before!

Everybody inside the place,
from the front to the back,

let's go!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

JUMP UP!

(TECHNO STYLE MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!

That is insane!

Wow!
I love Drum And Bass.

(CHUCKLES) I love it now.

I never knew I did.
That was insane.

I genuinely haven't seen a reaction
from a crowd like that.

(LOUD BANG)
Ohh.

I could- I couldn't re...
I couldn't cope.

I'm having the time of my life.

Got a new hobby.
Romesh is happy. Loving it!

Go on tour bus,
few more drinks, night out.

Technically "work".

Cast-iron alibi in the morning.
I've never felt better.

When he came out,

and the music dropped,

and I looked out,

like, what an amazing thing
to be on the stage to see that.

I've got two more clubs
and two more DJs to go and see.

You know what I say to that?
Light 'em up. I'm ready for 'em.

(CLAPS HANDS)

Great.
(LAUGHS)

It's so cool.

ROB: Back in London
and back on the bus...

..we were trying to soak up
as much knowledge as we could

about the world of the superstar DJ.

And having left Andy C
with his devoted followers,

we were on our way
to Jonas' next stop.

And we knew, if we were truly going
to transform ourselves

into the masters of
the wills of steel,

we had to take this opportunity
seriously.

(LAUGHS)

Go away, Robbie!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

♪ VENGABOYS: We Like To Party!
I gotta dance to this one.

LOVE IT!

(LAUGHS)

This is the place to be.

You're battered.

I don't even know if
I'm gonna go home tonight.

(LAUGHS)

I am ready for the next one.

And soon enough,
it was time for the next one...

♪ CYPRESS HILL: Insane In The Brain

..where we would meet, arguably,
the biggest act in British dance:

Chase

We're at another club.
We're in London Bridge.

I don't know what's going on.
We're here to see Chase

I've just found out
it's not one geezer.

It's under a railway arch
which tells me all bets are off.

'Unfortunately, the night was
taking its toll on Romesh.'

(LAUGHING) Oh, God!

'But was I going to let him ruin
the best night of my life?"

No chance.

Do you need a motivational quote?
Go on.

We've not come this far
to only come this far. Yeah?

I don't know what it means,

but it gets loads of people
watching it on YouTube.

'So with him taken care of,

it was time to meet
our next case studies...'

Saul
Chase

'..which went terribly.'

Do you... Do you...
Do you...

Did your set have like a...
I know that you have to be like...

I know what you're doing
and all that.

It sounds just suddenly...

'So, having gained more valuable
insight...'

It is late.

'..we headed inside to continue
our learning experience.'

(DRUM AND BASS DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Can we all stop and give it up for
Chase

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AIR HORN BLAST)

(MUSIC DROP)

♪ Inten inten intentional

♪ Inten inten intentional...

(MUSIC SLOWS)

(CHEERING INTENSIFIES)

(DROPS NEW TRACK)

(SYNTHESISED MUSIC)

(DEEP BASSLINE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

'Two clubs down, and having
approached the evening

with the agreed level of
professionalism,

Romesh was able to start
painting a picture of

what made superstar DJs so unique.'

All you have to do is...that.

But they've got to do this...

(LAUGHS)

(ROB CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I feel quite awake now. How bad
would it be if I went back in?

I think it'll be great for you...
Yeah.

..and it'll be ideal for me.

Cos then I'll go home on the bus
on my own.

I'm gonna go back in.

Great.
I support you in that decision.

-I'm going in.
-Go for it, mate.
-I'm going back in.
-Go for it.

Weirdly...against all odds,

this night finally got good.

I mean, I've had an absolute result.

I've had an absolute result.

I'm about to be on a bus home
without Rob.

That wasn't even on the cards
when it started.

The morning after the night before,
we were back at Jonas' house.

We were here to report back on
last night's field trip,

and begin preparations

for our own DJing debut.

Hello. You all right?
-How's it going.
-Nice to see you.

How you doing?
How'd you get on?

Very tired.
OK.

But it was good.
Tell me about it.

He struggled. I was better than him.

Yeah, come through, lads.
-Cheers, mate.
-Yeah.

Tell me, how did it go?

Well, first couple of hours, great.
Loved it.

We were having a really good time.
OK.

But then, what happened is
the night continued.

Right.

It would be better, if these gigs
happened during the day.

(LAUGHS)

'For Rob, he hadn't just arrived
with a hangover,

he'd found inspiration.'

What really got me into thinking
about I like really wanted to be a DJ

is walking up the drive
and seeing this gaff.

There's nothing about the art
that he likes.

Oh, no.
It's, essentially, your house.

-Yeah.
-Right. Yeah.
Cos I understand

that there's people obsessed with
the craft and process,

and it's an art form how you do it,
how- Shut up.

I wanna be the guy the industry
-hates but earns all the money.
-Yeah.

He's mastered that in comedy...
(LAUGHS)

..so now he wants to do it
-in a different area.
-Yeah.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

'At this point, happy to latch onto
any inkling of hope...'

Oh, my God!

'Jonas agreed to give us
a whistle-stop tour of his gaff.

For inspirational purposes,
of course.'

This is unbelievable!
Ohh!

'Starting with the biggest telly
I've ever seen.'

Was it true, though,
that you wanted to be a DJ

after watching Club Reps?
Yes.

Right. I'm obsessed with Club Reps,
what series are you talking?

Er, it was Johnny.
Johnny Hormone?

And Lee, who loved England?
Yeah.

Why do you think you made it
when so many other people haven't?

You've got to remember, I only got
my first break at 25, 26 years old.

Right.
I've been doing it since I was 11.

Every single day.
All those days throughout school,

I was doing it every single day, and
there was a lot of "nos".

Those were really tough years for me
cos when you've got dozens of labels

telling you, "No, your music's
not good enough",

there was a lot of the hard times
I don't forget while sitting here.

This is the master bedroom
where no magic...

No magic happens? Just functional...

Wanking's a type of magic, mate.
(LAUGHS)

Functional, quick, to the point.
(LAUGHTER)

Another cool thing in this room is
this room,

which is something that I've always
wanted, which is... Sex dungeon.

Yeah.
ROB AND ROMESH: Oh, mate!

It's like something from
a space ship.

This is a sickness, mate.

I'll be honest, mate.
It's gone from real admiration...

It's a bit annoying now.
I'm starting to get pissed off.

So not only have you got a pool,
-you've got your name in it.
-Yeah.

Is that saying that's your one?
Yeah. Exactly.

Feeling inadequate,
we called an end to the tour.

So we headed to the basement studio
via the basement orchestra room.

Can either of you play the piano?

I've got fucking nothing
in the locker, Jonas.

Really? None of you-
I've got nothing...

I did used to learn the piano.

(PLAYS GENTLY MELODY)

Cinema.
Cinema.

Walk-in wardrobe, playing the piano,

I want to sleep with you.
Yeah.

Right now.
I mean, that's the plan.

(ALL LAUGH)

'Finally, it was time to get down to
business.'

(LAUGHING) This is so sick, man.

It's like the Starship Enterprise.

I don't know what any of this does,
but I'm so impressed.

Can we get a lesson?
Yeah.

'So after a swift tequila...'

Cheers.
Cheers.

Here's to the, er, lesson.

Here's to...
I like DJing.

'..it was time to cover the basics.'

So I'm gonna load two tunes.
Yeah.

(MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

That one's playing...
Yep.

..and the crowd are loving you and

you've got your top off and
everything else.

But in the headphones,

you'll be preparing the second song
which is gonna be...

(MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)

OK.

(MUSIC PLAYED THROUGH SPEAKERS)

'All we had to do was get from one
track to the other, seamlessly.

As ably demonstrated by Jonas
himself.'

(FIRST TRACK PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

(SECOND TRACK PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Oh, my days!

(LAUGHS)
Mate!

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SYNTHESISED NOTE PLAYS)

♪ CUTTING CREW:
(I Just) Died In Your Arms

(ROB AND ROMESH LAUGH)

(TURNS OFF MUSIC)

Mate!
That's kind of like...

Fucking hell!

That was sick.
Did you want another tequila?

If it makes me do THAT, yes.
OK.

'Fired up and ready to go.

This master class was our chance
to gain the skills we needed

to get us through playing a headline
DJ set at a London nightclub.

Or, and not for the first time
this series,

it was certain humiliation ahead.'

Go, Rom.

(REDUCES VOLUME)

No, no. Keep it up, keep it up.

(INCREASES VOLUME)
Keep them both up.

You're not on Radio 2, mate.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(MUSIC DROP)

Aaah, m...

Was that good?
Before I congratulate him?

Yes, Romesh!
Yes!

Love it, mate.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

'Annoyingly, Romesh wasn't too bad.'

(TURNS OFF MUSIC)

'But now it was time to show them
how it's really done.'

Right. So we're gonna go to the end
of the song and I'll count you in.

Yeah. You...
-Yeah?
-Please.

Then all I have to do is press
"play".

All you gotta do is press "play".
Cool. All right, let's go.

(SONG PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

I'm giving it some now.

Then you tell me when to press play,
yeah?

You'd be, like, hands up.

(DECREASES VOLUME)
Blackwall Tunnel's shut!

(INCREASES VOLUME)

-Are you ready?
-You gotta wait until
tomorrow night by midnight to pay the
Dartford Crossing charge.

(INCREASES VOLUME)

-Right.
-I mean, by doing that
you did kinda just miss your cue.

But we're coming again.

Where were you?
You should... Sorry.

Hold on.
Tell me when.

(MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Ready?
Yeah.

(COUNTS TO BEAT) One, two,

one, two, three, four.

(PLAYS SECOND TRACK)
Now bring it up.

No, no, no. Keep the bass up.
OK.

(LOW BASS)

(INCREASES BASS)

No, no, keep it up.
Keep it up as well?

What?

Why do you keep doing that?

All right.
-Yes.Love it.
-Yeah!

Is that it?

No idea what's happened, but
everyone's looking at me funny!

(LAUGHTER)

Did I do it?
Yes, Jonas!

Fucking LOVE DJing.

Right. I'll tell you what...

I like...
(MUSIC DROP)

I'm so drunk.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know what? I love DJing.

I love DJing.

I love DJing.
(LAUGHS)

I love Jonas Blue.

I love Rob Beckett.

Cheers.

We need more practise
before we do a proper show.

Sure.
Yeah.

You think that we might need more
practise than the hour we've had
here, before we do a set at a club?

Yeah, I do.
OK.

That's what our focus should be.
Interesting revelation.

I would agree with you.
OK. Cool.

I'm so drunk.
You've got to stop drinking tequila.

(LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

ROB: 'Romesh and I were on a mission

to transform ourselves
into superstar DJs.

We were now just days away from
performing a headline set

at a top London nightclub.'

ROMESH: 'But, after hanging out with
Jonas Blue,

I was starting to appreciate the
complexity of what these guys did,

and things weren't looking
promising.

So I'd come to Greenwich
to have an emergency lesson

with one of hip hop's
most legendary DJs.'

(HIP HOP SONG PLAYING)

DJ Yoda, essentially, is like...
I'm not overstating it

saying he's one of my heroes
when it comes to this.

Easy, mate. How are you?
How's it going?

I wrote a letter to him. I don't
know if he'll remember this.

I got his address from
Hip Hop Connection magazine,
and he sent me a sticker.

Receiving that sticker in the post
was better than losing my virginity.

It was unbelievable.

If anything, though,

having that sticker
and talking about it

guaranteed that I kept my virginity
a bit longer.

With over 20 years' experience and
multiple awards to his name,

if anyone could get me through this
it was Yoda.'

In a few days' time,
I'm playing to, I don't know,
hundreds and hundreds of people.

Is it possible to get away with
this? Cos I'm shitting it.

Don't worry. You don't need to panic.

We're gonna just cheat it.
Good. I'm in.

The ultimate would be,
I'm just chatting to him

and he's going, "Holy shit, Rom,
you're so cool and casual."
And I go, "Yeah, I know."

And I go, "Can I have a go at this
DJ thing?" And he's, "Oh, my God!

Do you know what? I think you've got
a real future in this, man."

And I go, "Do you really think so?"
And he'll go, "Yeah."

Couple of weeks' time I'm entering
the DMC world championships and
smashing it.

I was gonna show you a little bit of
just mixing music together.
Let's try this.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

♪ STORMZY: Big For Your Boots

(RECORD SCRATCHING TO BEAT)

("BIG FOR YOUR BOOTS"
CONTINUES PLAYING)

("BIG FOR YOUR BOOTS"
CONTINUES PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Something like that.
That was insane, man.

OK. So I want to do that now.

All right. Let's get started.
How long will it take?

Twenty years. (LAUGHS)
OK. Sweet.

I actually made this
available to Rob,

as a best friend would.

"Rob, I've sorted out one of
the greatest DJs in the world

to teach us to mix."
And he can't be arsed.

I've gone from worrying about
his success

to hoping he crashes and burns
so badly

that for the first time
in the history of dance music,

people start throwing
their own shit at him.
Because he deserves it.

This sounds harsh,
but he just can't be arsed.
I don't know what he's up to.

ROB: Oh, yeah. This is the place.

Neon everywhere.

I feel like someone's drug brained.

Romesh is trying to learn
to mix in a day.

Never gonna happen.
It takes years.

There's no point messing about with
the music side of things,

it's all about the look.
That's what I'm focusing on today.

Right.

'While Rom was trying to keep it real
with DJ Yoda,

I was planning to blow the crowd away

with a performance
they'd never forget.

First things first, an outfit.'

Look at that. Do I like ganja?

I don't know. Let me ask my pyjamas.
I think I do.

Buck hats.

Nothing official happens.

No-one comes up to you and goes,
"Excuse me, you can't park there."

Party time.

THIS looks a bit like
the M5's shut for resurfacing.

So I'm not sure if that's my vibe.

Cos with this accent
and that outfit,

I'll look like I work on the roads.
Look like I'm fucking up the trains.

It looks like Guantanamo trousers,
doesn't it?

This I like.

This has got an East 17 vibe.

Cos I think THAT
is a statement piece.

And then you can accessorise with
high-vis.

This little fella.

Don't know what that is.
Looks like a Muppet's been skinned.

Some of the gear, though,
is absolutely outrageous.

It's just like a little vest with a
couple of birds on it. See-through.

ROM: 'Back in Greenwich, I was ready
to start my training with DJ Yoda.

But first, he had some news for me.

I'm gonna be DJing tonight

we'll try and make it
so that you can jump on

towards the end of my set,
celebrity cameo DJ appearance.

Oh, shit.
OK.

As a little mini test,

I'm gonna play out here tonight,
and I have, well...

..two hours to acquire the requisite
skills in order to be able to do
that.

OK, before we do this,
is it possible that

I'm gonna be so shit at this
that you will back out immediately?

Let's find out.

The truth is, I'm not an idiot,

I'm not Rob Beckett,
so I do get it's tough.

I basically need to ask Yoda:

what can I do that gives
the maximum impressiveness

but also requires minimal skill?

Volume up.
(INCREASES VOLUME)

That's it. Scratch the start.

One...
(SEAMLESS DROP)

Oh.
Was that good?

Mate.
Yeah?

Give that a spin back.
(RECORD SCRATCHING)

YES!
Yeah. All right.

Yeah.
We need that to happen tonight.

Oh, my God.
Perfect.

Mate, if that happens tonight,

I will leave my wife

and go and see who else I can find.

(LAUGHS)

(RECORD SCRATCHING)
Unfortunately, my marriage was safe.

(SCRATCHING)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SCRATCHING)
Horrendous.

(BOTH LAUGH)

ROB: Do I look good, mate?
I tell you what,

if you see me in this,
you're not gonna worry about
what's coming out the speakers.

What you thinking?

Smashed it. Look at that.

I look like a mechanic
from the Death Star.

Innit?

♪ MAX ROMEO: Chase The Devil

I'm having it.

Cherry on the cake.

A few facts.
One. Just one fact.

I think its quite flattering.
Personally.

It keeps all the stuff
in the right places.

ROMESH: 'I was an hour into my
lesson...'

No.
Oh, shit!

'..and things weren't improving.'

(RECORD SCRATCHING, MUSIC PLAYS)

That's how you don't want it
-to sound in the club.
-Fuck!

Yeah.

I have now accepted that tonight
is not gonna go well.

It's gonna be a car crash.

I'm essentially just putting
my seatbelt on and praying.

We've got to get you to use
the cross fader a little bit.

The cross fader has been something
I've wanted to do for ages.

Now, I hate it.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)
OK.

I mean, that sounds awful.
I mean, it will do. You just...

Like, just don't worry about it
sounding awful.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

I absolutely hate doing it.

I hate the cross fader.
I hate everything about it.

You've got to show the crowd,
"I'm the scratch DJ now."

Even if it sounds terrible,
style it out.

'I was so bad at it...'

(SCRATCHING WITH NO RHYTHM)

..that him watching me, I could see
HIS love for DJing dissolve,

as he was watching me.

Because he was basically
seeing someone

shit all over the art form
repeatedly.

Technically, you're doing all
the right things.

Yeah. But it sounds like dog shit.
It sounded pretty awful, didn't it?

At this point, I am this close...

..to giving Yoda my glasses

and asking him to brown up.

That's where I'm at with this now.

Because I can't see
any way out of this.

Apart from that.

He needs to get himself a beard

and some Marmite,

and tell people his name's Romesh.

ROB: Here we go. Come on.

I told you this was the place,
didn't I? Look at me.

I look like a rave pimp.

When I walk into the club like this,

people are gonna go, "Who's that guy
and what's he up to?"

This SCREAMS DJ.

When get on stage and start mixing it
they'll be like, "Yes, please."

Romesh? Him in a nightclub? He's 40!

He's a failed maths teacher.
He'll get turfed out.

I won't.
I'll be dominating it.

Look at this.

♪ Bo bo bo-bo-bo do dep ♪

I don't know what that song is,
but I feel good.

Romesh fucking about mixing?
Do me a favour.

ROMESH: 'Back at the club,
Yoda had started his set

and I was up next.

But there was a problem.

The equipment I'd practised with

was different to what
I was about to perform on.'

He's used to it.
He goes, "It's the same."

I looked at it,

It doesn't even look like
the same machine.

It's like going, "We want you to
converse with a Spanish person

and we're gonna spend two hours
teaching you Spanish."

And you go, "OK.
I think I've got up to speed."

And then they go, "Oh,
little last-minute switch,

he's gonna be Iranian.

But it's similar.

Make some noise for
Romesh Ranganathan!

(HIP HOP SONG PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(HIP HOP SONG CONTINUES)

My first real test was coming up.

Could I survive mixing one track
into another?

One, two, three, four.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

(FEEDBACK)

AUDIENCE: Aahhh!

(BOOING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Complete failure.

And I still had ten minutes left
to perform.

(LAUGHING, HECKLING)

I'm sorry. It's a fuck fest,
is what it is.

Genuine, absolute dog shit sandwich.

♪ Hi my name is my name is
my name is... ♪

(BOOING)

DJ Yoda will never contact me again.

I've told people in there
that he trained me.

I mean, God knows
if he'll work again.

(AUDIENCE MUTTERING)

(MUSIC STARTS)
Biggie...

There were some glimmers of hope...

♪ Ah this goes out to you
Biggie

..but they were short-lived.

♪ This goes out to you... ♪

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROANING)

MAN: You're rubbish! You're rubbish!

The rest was an absolute shambles.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

("CHIN SCRATCH")

The chin scratch

was a low point.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

It elicited the kind of cheer
a pisshead outside Wetherspoons

when he finally
makes it back to his food.

(AUDIENCE JEERING)

I don't have to do shit.

So you saying to me "you have to",
no, I don't "have to".

Because after that,
I don't HAVE to do anything.

(GLASS SMASHING ON TRACK)
Broken glass everywhere...

(AUDIENCE MOANING)

What's supposed to happen
in these shows is

you start off at ground zero,

progress, progress, progress,
Rocky montage, and then success.

That's not what's happened here.
What's happened here is

midway through, Rocky's gone,
"I'm gonna give up boxing."

That's essentially what
you're dealing with now.

Somebody phone Apollo Creed
and tell him I'm not coming.

ROMESH: 'It was the evening of
our big performance.

And after the car-crash of a set
last night,

it was touch and go whether I was
gonna go through with it.

But I'd had a call from Rob,

asking me to come to the club early
to watch his rehearsal.'

He's decided to do a DJ set.

He's gonna actually have to prepare
and do a bit of DJing, which is,

for me, a sign he's started
to take things seriously.

ROB: 'In a few hours,
the club will be absolutely rammo.

It was up to us to deliver
a night out they'd never forget.

And I was bang up for it.'

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Romesh!
What are you doing?

Rehearsing!

Why have you got dancers?

Well, why not?
We're putting on a show, ain't we?

This is not comedy, mate.
This is DJing, it's a nightclub.

You can't just walk out and
bang on about your wife and kids

and expect to get a pay cheque.
Oh, here we go (!)

One second.
Can we check the CO2, please?

Fucking hell!

Yeah, I think they work.
How you feelin'?

I'm feeling like
you're out of control.

Just a second.

Bubbles.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.

T-shirt cannon.
You are such a prick.

Get to the back, I'll send you one.
Can we have some lights?

I don't want to get him in
his good eye. Heads up, Romesh!

♪ VENGABOYS: We Like To Party

(LAUGHS)
You're such a wanker.

Why have you done this?

Look at that!
You look great!

Rob.
That's when I first met you.

That's when you had jokes.

You're a prick, mate.

Production-wise,
a bubble machine, T-shirt cannon,

dancers on stilts, CO2, confetti,

and, er, great tunes.
That's what I'm dealing with.

Absolute bangers!

And whenever it dips,
something loud happens.

That's what I'm going for.

I, for a brief moment, thought that
Rob was taking it seriously.

Obviously, he's not.
He's got dancers...

I think Ronald McDonald's turning up
in about half an hour.

It is mental.
I mean...

(TURNS MUSIC ON, THEN OFF)

ROB: Oh. Sorry.
Are you talking still?

Just trying to rehearse up here.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-What's going on?

I know what you are thinking, all of
you are thinking-Oh, shithead!

Oh, it went too far.
Sorry 'bout that.

It's all fun and Rob's putting on
a party, blah, blah, blah. Look.

♪ GALA: Free From Desire

Oo! Oo!

I fucking hate this prick.

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)

What a wanker.

Genuine...

Free from desire!

♪ Mind and senses purified

♪ Freed from desire

♪ Mind and senses purified

♪ Freed from desire...
Yes!

'By now the club had opened
its doors and was filling up.'

'While Rob was busy mingling and
generally being needy,

I'd spent 20 minutes
in a crappy storeroom

trying to psych myself up.

And I'd reached this conclusion.

I would like to do it,

without anybody seeing me.
(HIP HOP PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND)

Sounds like
I'm talking about wanking.

But what I mean, I would like to do
DJing

I don't want to do DJing
in front of an audience

because last night was demoralising.

The thing that could go wrong for me
would be a power cut.

That's my greatest fear.

The best thing that could happen
is a power cut.

But, failing that, I don't know,

Rob goes on and
somehow kills himself.

I'm a plug waiting for the hole.
Give it to me and switch me on.

Back in the store cupboard,

I was still battling
my inner demons.

EMINEM: If you had

♪ One shot

♪ Or one opportunity

♪ To seize everything
you ever wanted

♪ In one moment

♪ Would you capture it

♪ Or just let it slip? ♪

MAN: 'Please, welcome to the stage
DJ ROMESH!'

'There was no way I could let Rob
get the better of me.

I'd put in the hours of practise,
and I was as ready as I could be.'

(MUSIC STARTS)

It looks like
doing an Excel spreadsheet.

'My first few mixes
didn't go to badly.

But about halfway through,

the wheels started to come off.'
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

(RECORD SCRATCHING)
That's happening now, is it?

The thing is,
he's not good at mixing with people.

Never mind records.

'And it was at this point...'

People are leaving.

'..that I completely abandoned the
idea of becoming a superstar DJ.'

(BOOING)

Come back!

I'm all right!

'Finally it was over.
I hadn't covered myself in glory,

but I had stepped up and
performed a genuine DJ set.

Which is more than I could say
for what Rob was about to do.'

He says he's mixing live tonight.
OK?

I've seen what he's got,

I am not good enough to mix with all
of my powers of concentration on it,

let alone with a T-shirt cannon
in my hands.

He thinks I'm...

He's thinking there won't be
any mixing and I'll be cheating?

I can guarantee you,

every song will be mixed
into the next one.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

If Rom's tactic was to bore the crap
out of 'em,

then mine was simple,

to take them on a journey
they'd never forget.

'Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage

DJ Rob Beckett!'

(CHEERING)

(STEADY BASS BEAT)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Four three two one... ♪

(CHEERING INTENSIFIES)

♪ VENGABOYS: Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!

♪ Whoa oh whoa oh

♪ Let's break it down...

♪ Whoa oh whoa oh

♪ Boom boom boom

♪ I want you in my room
Let's spend the night together...

He's not even pretending
that he's doing it.

'What Romesh didn't seem to get was

that people had come to actually
enjoy themselves.

And I was just getting started.'

(MUSIC DROP)

♪ 2 UNLIMITED: No Limits

♪ Let me hear you say yeah...

AUDIENCE: Yeah!
(CHEERING)

Why bother with the headphones?
He's doing fuck all.

("NO LIMITS" CONTINUES PLAYING)

♪ No no no no no no no no no no...

Look at this shit

♪ No there's no limits

(MUSIC DROP)

WHOOOOAAA!

(LAUGHS)

Absolutely zero clue
that was gonna happen.

(CHEERING)

'There were moments when I thought
he'd lost the plot.'

GIVE ME THE GAS!

WHOA!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

'I banged out about 30 minutes of
pure euphoria,

and I still had one more track
to drop.'

(LOUD BANG)

(SLOW INTRO)

DJ SAMMY:
Baby you're all that I want

♪ When you're lying here in my arms

♪ Finding it hard to believe

♪ We're in heaven... ♪

I wanna see you jump high!

(MUSIC TEMPO INCREASES)

I hate DJing. I think DJing's shit.
It's for pricks.

Oggy Oggy Oggy!

AUDIENCE: Oi Oi Oi!

("HEAVEN" CONTINUES PLAYING)

COME ON!

'They loved me.

I loved me.

I'd become a superstar DJ.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I mean,

you didn't have a clue
what was in that mix, did you?

I think that was the greatest moment
of my life.

Oh, mate, I'm exhausted.

When the energy's that high
in the room...

You're a cheat.
Why?

You're a cheat and it worked.
Congratulations.

You're all right.
It was great, just different styles.

I respect what you did.
(MOUTHS)

Cheers.
I never want to see it ever again.

You might have to,
if you come to my show.

And in that suit you smell
a little bit like a used johnny.

I stink like a condom.
Yeah.

Anyway, fuck DJing.

It's a load of shit, and everyone
that does it are arseholes.

I don't even like Yoda anymore.

Great mix he did, though.

Did he do the mix for you?

(LAUGHS)

So, my-
The guy that I got to train me...

So not only have you cheated,

the guy that trained me, he actually
-helped you beat me?
-Yeah.

Get yourself home, boy.

INDEEP: Last night
a DJ saved my life...

You smashed that.
Yeah, thanks for coming.

♪ Last night a DJ saved my life
Yeah...

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

("LAST NIGHT A DJ SAVED MY LIFE"
CONTINUES PLAYING)

subtitles by Deluxe
E-mail sky.subtitles@sky.uk