All language subtitles for Letterkenny (2016) - S05E05 - Back to Back to Back (1080p HULU WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

We went shopping for a whiskey
night the other day.

That's a big fuck‐off bottle
of Gus N' Bru.

It's better to be looking
at it then looking
for it.

You boys getting
into it tonight?

Yeah, it's a Texas‐sized
ten‐four.

That's a Texas‐sized
two‐six.

That's a Texas Micky,
super shooters,
let's get cracking.

Wayne.

What's the problem,
Katy?

It happened again.
What did?

Gus left a Mr. Big
on the floor
this morning.

No, he never.

He dropped a Hershey bar
in the living room
just last Tuesday,

although upon closer inspection,
it did look more like
a Hershey's mint.

Well, I'd sooner believe
that was you, Squirrelly Dan.

So watch how
you speak on his name,
you know?

Hey, buddy... He left
a Twix on the floor
just yesterday.

And what made it a Twix
as opposed to a Big Turk, Dary?

Well, there were
two of 'em.

They're identical,
and they're side
by each.

Over and out.
How would you ask somebody
if you wanted just

one of their Twix's?

Well, just what you said.
"Can I have one of your Twix's?"

No, it'd be...
"Could I have a Twick?"

In any event, it's starting
to look like Willy Wonka's
emptying his pockets

around your house,
good buddy.

Now, you's realize
the weight of
these allegations.

These accusations.

Can confirm.

And you's realize
the consequences at hand
should your claim be false.

Claims is's this.
Can confirm's.

I'll only give you's
one more chance
to retract.

No questions asked.

Before this conversation
becomes a confrontation.

We wouldn't be bringing it
to you if it weren't worth
being brought'en.

‐But...
‐Bring it on.

Oh, it has been broughten.

I'm just kidding around.

He's a ten‐year‐old boy, now.

He's made me proud
for a goddamn decade.

He's been a real good bo.

He's been such a bo.

But he's a senior now.

He's on the home stretch,
and I'm trying to let him
enjoy it.

Snoozin' on the furniture,
lots of human food.

Leash is so long now,
she's limp.

And he's earned it.

So you're just gonna
let him drop Baby Ruth's
all over the house?

As opposed to what, Katy?

Just give him
a real good, stern
talking to.

Oh, yeah, and how's
that gonna shake down?

He's probably
half fuckin' deaf.

Aren't you,
you fuckin' geezer?

The same way it shook down
for the last decade before
you stopped disciplining him,

just 'cause he's old.

Okay, Katy.
Katy, okay, I'm going in.

Wish me luck.

All right, was that you
leaving Crispy Crunchers
all over the floor?

'Cause that's a bad dog,
don't you do that again,
that's bad.

Lickety‐split.

Ah, that's a wee bit
aggressive.

Oh is that what
I'm being, Dary?

Well, that's your pal
you're talking to over there,

fairly accusatory.
I'd say give him
benefit of the doubt.

I wouldn't.
Well, you didn't even ask
him if he did it there.

You just assumed,
I think you're better
than that.

Okay, Dary. Dary, okay,
I'm going back in,
wish me luck.

Aye.

Was that you leaving
Jersey Milks on the floor?

Because that's bad,
if that was you,
that was bad.

Don't you do that
again ever,
'cause I'll be there.

You're not taking
this seriously.

Oh, is that what
I'm not doing, Katy?

No, you're joking around
and he knows it.

It's, "Bad boy,
this is a bad boy."

Hey, he knows that
I'm joking but he doesn't
know that you're joking.

Don't say "bad"
unless you mean bad.

I'm sorry, Gus.

That's okay, he's a good boy,
he's such a boy.

Why don't you just try
using your real voice?
It may permeate better.

Okay, Katy. Katy, okay,
I'm going back in.

Wish me luck.

Hey, bud.

I noticed that you've
been leaving Caramilks
all over the floor,

you know what's gonna
happen? Someone's gonna
step on one in the night

and take a header,
someone's gonna pull
a full gainer down the stairs.

Or at the very least,
a half gainer.

So what you wanna do
is do that outside
like a good boy.

Please and thanks.

I thinks we're almost there.

Oh, is that where
we almost are, Squirrelly Dan?

Now, Professor Tricia says
that when you're bringing
a complaints to someone,

they'll be more receptive
to altering their behavior

if you make it
your problem.

Make it personal
rather than placing
the blames on them.

What are you fuckin'
getting on about
over there?

May I's?
Okay, Dan. Dan, okay.

Go on in, good luck.

Gus, how are you now?

Now, we've all noticed
the Coffee Crisps around
the house,

and that's completely
natural and nothing for youse
to be embarrassed about.

But I am quite worried
I am going to slip on one
and take a full gainer,

or... Please look
at me when I'm talking, Gus.

Now, while I know
that that is my problem,

I know you don't want
this to happen any more
than I do.

So I'm hoping we can
works together to find
a resolution to this problem.

But besides that, we want you
to know, we think you're doing
a terrific job around here

and we don't want
to bothers you anymore
than we needs to,

so you have yourself
a great day.

I'm not going to make you
sit through that butt‐fuckery,
Bud, away you go.

You're a good boy,
away you go.

Away you go.

Look, I know he's just
snoozing on the furniture
all day,

but you take him out
for routine number twos.

Ten‐four?

You try taking him out,
Katy, he don't wanna.

You can say,
"Hey, Gus,
wanna rock one?"

And if he could talk,
he'd say, "I've had to rock one
for a good seven, eight hours.

"Don't worry about
that right now.

"I'm gonna grab another
quick 20, 25 shut‐eye here,
we'll circle back

"on the conversation later.

"But how about some good
itchings and scratchings
in the meantime?"

(SNIFFING)

Whoo!

Smells like Mr. Wonka's
just emptied his pockets
in the other room.

(SIGHS) Fuck.

Well, everybody up,
help me look.

Better to be looking at it,
than looking for it, eh?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ladies.
Women.

It has come to our attention
that there may be a young man
who has come between you girls.

I mean...
How do you mean?

Well, Betty‐Anne,
Mary‐Anne.

We were told that you
may be going for
the same guy.

Or, or that the same
guy may be going
for both of you.

Impossible.
How do you mean?

The last guy that was
into Mary‐Anne was the priest
at Catholic school in grade six.

And only 'cause he thought
she was a boy.

Well done, Betty‐Anne.
Catholic school, grade six.

Isn't that the same year
you got the nickname
"Fisted Sister"?

Which you gave yourself?

Ladies.
"Women."

And a fitting nickname
it was, Betty‐Anne.

Your mitt looks like
a boa constrictor
unhinged its jaw

in an effort to consume
a combat submarine.

BETTY‐ANNE: Speaking
of consumption,

your mitt looks like
the drooping jowls
of a shar‐pei

with a palsy
and a water wing
in its mouth.

Your mitt looks like
the back of Kelsey Grammer's
head circa Frasier '94

if the cast each autographed
his bald spot
with multi‐colored lipsticks.

Your mitt has more
spiderwebs than a No Doubt
set list, Mary‐Anne.

Betty‐Anne, your mitt
is so dusty, I can hear it
singing Son of a Preacher Man.

We've gotta go
to the source, buddy.
It's our only hope, buddy.

BOTH: Ferda.

(FARTS, PLOPPING)
SHORESY: I'm not helping you
tit‐fuckers or those twats.

Give your balls
a tug.

We're at the bottom
of the line here, Shoresy.

SHORESY: You wanna talk about
lines, you fuckin' loser?

I woke up to your mum
rippin' dick‐dingers
off my foreskin,

tell her to keep
her hands off my scoops.

(FARTS)
JONESY: Fuck you,
Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy,
I made your mum cum
so hard

they made a Canadian
Heritage Minute out of it and
Don McKellar played my dick.

REILLY: Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Reilly.

I made your mum so wet,
Trudeau deployed a 24‐hour
infantry unit

to stack sand bags
around my bed.
(FARTS)

BOTH: Fuck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: Fuck you both,
your lives are so
fuckin' pathetic,

I ran a charity 15K
to raise awareness for it,
you fuckin' losers.

(ALL FART)

(ALL GROANING)

STEWART: Where is he?
He was supposed to be
here an hour ago.

Everyone stay composed.
I'm going to sever Everett's
phalanges one by one,

and force‐feed them
to him, fondue style.

Your terms are
not acceptable, Roald.

STEWART: I'm going to rip off
his ears and use them
to tickle his taint.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

STEWART: I'm going to scalp
him of his skin, wear it
like a costume, and perform

The Rocky Horror Picture
Show in its entirety,
while he watches.

I need to lie down.

The end is nigh.

Stewart!

Would you come down
here, please?

Everett.

Hey, dude.

Did you hear
all of that?

Bits and pieces, something about
a picture show in the Rockies.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Everett.

Give me the...
(TRAILS OFF)

Stewart.

Glen?

Stewart.

Glen.
This is...

No it's not!
...an intervention.

Roald.
Stewart...

Roald!
(CHOKING)

Stewart.

Unhand Roaldie.

(GASPS)

Come.

Sit.

Stay.

But...
(TSKS)

But...
(TSKS)

Oh, I like you.

You're coming
with me and Glen.

Where?

To a place where
you can get away.

Yeah.

You can't mean...
Oh, yes, Stewart.

You don't mean...
Yes, Stewart.

No!
Stewart...

You're going to rehab.

No!
Yes.

No.
Yes.

No!

Yes.

(WHIMPERS)

Ladies.

Women.

(SOFTLY) Sorry.
(SOFTLY) It's okay.

Um, we spoke with
Shoresy.

You did?
And?

And he, um...
What?

He said...
What?

He said you suck
at hockey.

Huh?
Yeah, he said
you should stick

to Ringette.
Huh?

Yeah, he said that you
should never ever let
a woman do a man's job.

He did?
BOTH: Yeah.

I was standing there like,
"What is this guy saying?"

And then he said,
"Who let the broads out
of the kitchen?"

He did not.
Yeah.

And we were like,
"What?

"You can't say that."
And he's like,

"Yeah, I can. They should be
making me my supper."

And I was,
"Whoa, dude."

Did he?
Yeah.

I mean, we're like,
"Dude, you're crazy."

Then he said, "I mean,
how'd they find time
for hockey,

"while they're cleaning
the floors and doing
my laundry."

Did he?
Yeah,

and that's not even...
That's not even
the craziest part.

Like we were...
And believe us,

we had had enough
at this point, but
we were like,

"Are you sure
about this?"

And he was like,
"Anybody can go
back‐to‐back."

Yeah, and we're like,
"Dude, you better stop
talking about those girls

"like that."
Mmm.

"Better stop talking
about those women
like that."

But he said, "Talk to me
when they go back‐to‐back‐

"to‐back."

That's what he said.

Mary‐Anne.
Betty‐Anne.

What rhymes with
hip, lip and dip?

Ship.
What rhymes with
coat, note and tote?

Boat.
Why don't you say
you, me and the girls

put another one
on the water?

Back‐to‐back‐to‐back!

(ALL CHEERING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You're driving.
Would if I could,
but I can't.

Okay.
You boys leaning
into one tonight?

Well, it's better to
be looking at it
than looking for it.

How about our
very own Shamrockettes?

Playing for
the fuckin' 'ship.

When a local team plays
for the championship,
that's something

the whole town
can get behind.

Creates a pretty good
sense of community, too.

And a series sweeps,
no less.

A wee bit
of Meryl Sweep.

Sweep in
wolf's clothing.

The lion sweeps tonight.

Drive safe.

Stewart gets out
of rehab today,
so I'm keeping it local.

Pitter‐patter.

Wayne.
Dwayne.

Daryl.
Cheryl.

Dan.
Pam.

See youse brought your brooms.

Shop's nothing but a couple
side‐roads down, though.

Oh, youse didn't hear?
We're working for
Sweep Country Canada now.

Don't fear the sweeper.

Why don't you use
those brooms and show us

that little dance
those fellows do
in Mary Poppins?

If we offer you a beer
are we sweeping
with the enemies, or...

You should've used those brooms
to sweep the cobwebs off
of Letterkenny's trophy case.

Well, it's good you got
the beer sorted,

but is that Donegal
tap water still stinky, or...

Youse got a liberal
amount of beer there,

not sure it's gonna be
enough to drown your sorrows
after we shit‐kick youse today.

Youse are on the brink
of elimination,

read it and sweep.
Hey.

Win or lose, youse guys
have still got the most
ostrich‐fuckers

per capita, right?

That's the big picture.

Allegedlys.

Bet you wish you could
put your head in the sand
and ignore that one, huh?

May the best town win.

Ladies.
None finer than you,
Mary‐Anne.

Women.

None more admirable
than you, Betty‐Anne.

We've overcome adversity.

Found a way to win.

(YELLS)

Let's get this fucking win,
let's get this fucking sweep!

And let's get this
luxury fucking
sea liner on the lake!

(ALL CHEERING)

League final, buddy.
Game four, buddy.

Suits on deck.
What could go wrong?

BOTH: Shoresy?
Give your balls a tug.

BOTH: Shoresy!
Tit‐fuckers.

We heard what you said
about us, you sack of shit.

"Never let a woman do
a man's job," huh?

Watch this, we're just taking
a break from cooking
and cleaning to win

back‐to‐back‐to‐back
'ships, asshole.

I'll make you a sandwich
afterwards, though,

I'll shove it up
your ass for you, too.

You two are the silliest
twats I've ever met
in my whole fuckin' life.

I didn't say any
of that shit,
you dumb broads.

But I did say your breath
could stop a Mack Truck,
Betty‐Anne,

I'll tell that to anyone
who will listen.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Betty‐Anne,
your breath is an
existential crisis,

made me question
my whole fuckin' life.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Mary‐Anne,
you got legs on you
like redwoods,

you could box‐jump
a bungalow.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Reilly,
your mum groped me
two Halloweens ago,

shut the fuck up
or I'll take it to Twitter.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Fuck you, Shoresy.

You're a horrible
fuckin' ref.

Fuck you, Jonesy,
take a look at me,
I'm not even a ref,

I'm a fuckin' linesman,
but you can referee on
my nuts, you piece of shit.

ALL: Fuck you, Shoresy!

I'd still smash you both
if I was bored,

but Reilly and Jonesy's
mums get too jealous.

Make yourselves useful,
grab me a bag of
dill picklers.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Good luck, you fuckin' losers.

Let's stick it
to that fuck.

Literally and figuratively.

Who the fuck
skates like that?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Stewart's recovery
has been...

Remarkable.

(EXHALES)

He is almost...

Unrecognizable.

Are you ready?

Ready!

Calm down, Roald.

Stewart!

(GASPS)

(REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE)
(ALL CHEERING)

Fuck the wave,
pull your finger
out of your ass.

I remember when
you could smoke in here.

Yeah, we're gonna smoke
youse in here, bud.

Came here to do
two things,

launch this broom on the ice
and drink, and the gal at the
bar just told me I'm cut off.

Your gals look slower
than my tractor,

of course, mine's
got a HEMI in her.

Your gals are having
a tougher time

finding the puck
than NHL on Fox
circa 1996.

I've seen more
hustle in chess.

Still no heaters in here,
eh? I remember Letterkenny
mounting the 50.

Let's go, Shamrockettes!

(CLAPPING)
ALL: Let's go, Shamrockettes!

(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

ALL: Let's go, Shamrockettes.

(CHANTING AND CLAPPING
CONTINUES)

Pass to me!

(FARTS)

(CHANTING AND CLAPPING
CONTINUES)

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, ladies...
"Women."

SHORESY: Hurry up and score
a fuckin' goal already, I'm
getting the bedtime sillies.

Fuck off, Shoresy,
give us our time‐out.

Fuck you, Reilly,
tell your mum
to give me a time‐out.

The last time I tried that,
she threatened to take
a header on me

into an empty pool
at the Quality Suites.

Fuck you, Shoresy,
leave us alone.

Fuck you, Jonesy,
tell your mum
to leave me alone,

she's been laying
in my fuckin' water bed
since Labor Day.

ALL: Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you all,
your lives are so sad,
I get a charity tax break

just for hanging out
with you.

Nice sweep, no sweep,
give your balls a tug.

Enough fuckin' around.
Let's do this.

(ALL CHEERING)

(BELL DINGING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(SOBBING)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Shamrockettes!

(ALL WHOOPING)

We did it, buddy.

Can't believe it, buddy.

(CHUCKLING)

We won
a fuckin' 'ship.

(LAUGHS) We bought
that boat.

(SNIFFS)

(EXHALES)
(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Hmm.

Yeah, it's Mum.

Mine too. (LAUGHS)
Probably wanna say
congratulations.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)