All language subtitles for Letterkenny (2016) - S05E02 - The Ol College Try (1080p HULU WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

You're having a conversation
about your pal's second cousin.

The other day...

KATY: Who, Jarret?
DAN: No, Garrets.

He's a good guy.

He took me to the movies
in grade six,

and he wouldn't
hold my hand.

A young man's hands
can get sweaty

in that sort of situation.

Then put your arm around me,
what's the problem?

Anywho, Garrett's movings down
to Los Angeles

to try to be an actors.

He's winning for
the weather alone.

Negative. It shouldn't
be warm all the time.

Four seasons helps
keep a man regular.

Like a bowl of brans
in the mornin'.

Huh.

Garrett's moving down to LA

to be an actor.

Isn't that something
you just kind of are?

It's not as if a librarian

can just call themselves
a librarian without
collecting a paycheck.

They got to work.

That's correct, Ms. Katys.

So Garrett is moving down
to Los Angeles

to try to earn a livings
as an actor.

Can you do that?
Do whats?

Well, earn a living
as an actor.

That's a thing?
Sure it is.

So, you can earn a living
as an actor, you say?

Yeah. How do you think Brad Pitt
bought all those paintings

and became so passionates
about architecture?

I would smash that dude
with a category five hurricane
off the coast.

DARYL: Huh, Garrett's going
to LA to make a living
as an actor?

What a time to be alive.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)

WAYNE: LA people should
shut the fuck up.
They eat tacos.

What's this?
What, you've never
met one before?

That's all they
fuckin' talk about.

(MOCKINGLY)
"Hey, you like tacos?
Let's get some tacos.

"You know who's got great tacos?

"Well, these guys have
the best tacos.

"You like tacos, right?

"Tacos, tacos, tacos.

"Venice Beach tacos."

It's fuckin' fish steak
or carnitas
wrapped in tortitas.

How good can it fucking be?

He's right.
There!

LA people should
shut the fuck up
about hiking, too.

What's this?

What, you never met
one of them before?

It's all they
fuckin' talk about.

(MOCKINGLY)
"Have you ever been on
this hike before?

"This is the best hike
I've ever been on before.

"Hiking, hiking, hiking.

"Runyon Canyon.
Hiking, hiking, hiking."

Just an asshole's word
for "walkin'."

I wasn't born yesterday.

It's all tacos and hikes,
hikes and tacos.

Why don't you ever hike
while you have a taco,
you fuckin' asshole?

But how are youse to know
that hikings and tacos
aren't better in LA?

They are.

BOTH: Aren't they?

(MOCKINGLY)
Everything's better in "LA".

Says who?
People in LA.

Yeah, didn't you
never not notice

that people from up here
go down to LA,

and then they come back
up here calling it, "LA"?

Is that what they do?

BOTH: (IN LA ACCENT) LA.

(IN LA ACCENT)
Thank you. LA.

And everything's better in "LA"?

What, you never met
one of them before?
That's all they talk about.

(GASPS) What, you've
never even been to LA?

(IN LA ACCENT)
You have to come to LA,
you'll love LA.

LA, LA. Toyota Hybrid
fucking cars. LA.

(MOCKINGLY)
Oh, yeah, you think
you know tacos, eh?

I'll tell you,
you're some kind of
fucking asshole

if you think you know tacos,
you never had a taco in "LA".

Think you know hiking?
(SCOFFS DISMISSIVELY)

You've never seen a hike until
you've had a hike in "LA".

(IN LA ACCENT) Ugh,
I hate the weather up here

it's so much warmer in LA.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah,
didn't you not know
it gets just as cold in "LA"?

It's just different
kind of cold in "LA".

(CHUCKLES)
It's a desert, you know?

Pull your finger
out of your ass.

That's exactly what I says,
"Pull your finger
out of your ass."

DAN: Now, hold your horses here.

Who's do youse knows
that's ever beens to LA?

What's this about LA?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

KATY: Whose crib is it anyways?

DARYL: I dealt, my crib.

I loves cribbage.

Run of three,
that's it for me.

Run of four,
I'm out the door.

Uh, fifteen‐two,

double on the eight for ten,

and jack of suits
for elevens,

which is a pretty hard numbers
to rhymes with.

DAN: Ooh!

What's we gettin'
all dressed up for,
Mr. Saturday Nights?

Are you sure you're
not tryin' too hard,

with that button done up there?

Now, youse know
Tanis and I are givin' it
the ol' college try.

You know, I get
ending things with Rosie

because you have feelings
for another woman...

She reads too much.
She up to somethin'.

...and I back that.
Thank you, Katy.

But...

don't you think
Tanis is a little...

rough around the edges?

How do you mean?

Isn't her, uh, soil a bit rocky?

Isn't her grain a little bit
rough for the lays?

Well...

only one way to find out,
super chieftains.

So many off‐season
reps, buddy.

So many preseason
reps, buddy.

Say no to the juice.

Ain't fucking baseball, buddy.

We dug deep.
Buried down.

Time to show the boys
some gains.

Coach's gonna flip
when he sees these gains.

Gain Gretzky.
Gain "The Rock" Johnson.

Shania Gain.
Gains, Trains
and Automobiles.

Let's show these boys that
legends walk amongst them.

Hashtag, legend‐life.

You guys wanna go back out
and try that again?

Maybe it's the lighting in here,
but I'm not seeing any gains.

But...

Doesn't matter.
Team folded.

Why?

There's not enough bodies.
Why?

'Cause it's Senior A
whales‐shit hockey!

The way I see it,
you got three options.

Option number A:

You can go to the next town
and play for them.

(GROANS) Travel for
whale shit?

Gains for whale shit
was even a stretch.

You didn't get gains.

Traveling for whale shit,
that's a stretch too far.

Option number B: Hang 'em up.

Well, there's good rubber
left in these wheels,
though, boys.

Let's do power skating, bro.
Oh, good call, bro.

And option number C:

Join a championship team
right here in Letterkenny...

Hmm.

...as coaches...

(GROANS SOFTLY)
...with me.

Oh.

Team's already won
back‐to‐back ships.

(MUTTERS)

We've actually never
won a ship, buddy.

On track to win
back‐to‐back‐to‐back boats.

Love to win
a boat, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.

Then come on,

let's win a fuckin' sea liner.

Let's win
a Great Lakes freighter.

Let's win a cable ferry.

Let's win a cabin cruiser.

Let's win a Boston whaler.

Let's win
a recreational trawler.

Let's win a paddle steamer!

Let's win a pleasure barge.

Let's win an outrigger.

Let's win a freshwater vessel!

Let's win a naval drifter.

Let's win a water Rambo!

Let's win a landing craft!

Let's win a saltwater lugger!

Let's win a sea tugger!

Let's win
a luxury‐fuckin'‐yacht!

Let's go!

ALL: (SHOUTING) Yeah!

Wait!

You're gonna need
an ice‐breaker.

Tanis, how are you now?

(SPITS)

What?

What...
What?

...the actual fuck was that?

What?
Well, you're standing,

breathing, and smoking,
so the other thing,

The spitting?

Some barefaced,
uncultivated version
of it, yes.

What, you never seen
someone spit before?

Yes, an inexcusably obese man
in the batter's box

at a Blue Jays game.

But you never seen
a girl spit before.

Yes, a six‐year‐old, after
consuming an insect
in her ice‐cream cone.

But you don't think
girls should spit.

I don't say what girls
should do.

(CHUCKLES)
But you don't like it
when girls spit.

Preferably not within
my line of sight, earshot,

and in a perfect world, ever.

(SPITS)

You hungry?
Am I hungry?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I'm immediately concerned
that sensation may never
reestablish itself,

but what a ride it's been.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

What is this, the 1950s?

You want me to go borrow
an ankle‐length skirt
from my auntie?

Come on.
I cooked for you.

Let's go.

(DOOR OPENS)

Come on.

He was supposed to be here
over an hour ago. Try him again.

Stewart, I just tried him.

And?
Straight to voicemail.

Aggravating.
Stewart!

Agitating.
Stewart!

Alarming.
Stewart.

(TRANCE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO)

Roald.

I think...

I may have a problem.

No. No!

I'm in over my head!
We all want it.

I have no control!
We all need it!

(SHOUTS)
Then where is it?

Right here.

(BOTH REPEATING) Get it out!
Give it to me.

I've got it!
It's all right here.

But you guys got meth, right?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

The drugs are
all over there.

Just bring me that computer
and get us to the Dark Web.

First the meth,
then the Dark Web.

Roald.
You want some, too?

I'm good.

Bring me the Dark Web
over to my stand‐up desk.

Why do you have
a stand‐up desk?

Because sitting is
quietly murdering you.

Actually, yes, Roald, I...
I will have some meth.

And here we are.

The Dark Web.

Why do you guys crave
the Dark Web so much?

Because the Dark Web
is exclusive.

The Dark Web
is only accessible

using special software,

users remain untraceable

and anonymous
on the Dark Web.

You can hire a hitman
on the Dark Web.

Purchase illegal contraband
on the Dark Web.

Sell illegal contraband
on the Dark Web.

Or you could join
a rebel army.

Or you could build a bomb
for your own rebel army
on the Dark Web.

The thrill of having
all of that at your fingertips
is so...metal!

What's on the menu today, chef?

I left a tab open
for you guys.

Something I thought
you'd dig.

(MOANS)

It's funny, the way
you last liked that, like
the Dark Web site was food.

'Cause...

BOTH: "How to cook human meat!"

(CHIMING)

STEWART: Oh, fuck!

These Hard Right mutts again.

I don't like these mutts.

We could ignore
the call.
Oh, Stewart!

Let's ignore the call.

But how are we gonna
find cool new things
to do on the Dark Web,

unless we make
cool new pals
on the Dark Web.

Fine,

anything to keep
the Dark Web sustainable.

But we should sit for this.

(CHIMING CONTINUES)

(SONG PLAYING SOFTLY
OVER STEREO)

What are you doing?

What?

Well, you're sitting, breathing,
and taking your boots off,

so, the other thing.

To borrow a phrase from
my stance on social media,

I don't follow.

Crossing your legs.

Yeah, for a hot second,
to take my boots off.

Boots or no boots,
don't you think it's
a little fruity loops

for a man to be
sitting like that?

On the contrary,

I'm sitting like this because
the less bending over
a man does, the better.

Hmm.

Sounds homophobic to me.

Sounds chiropractic to me.

Hmm. Just checking.

I swing both ways, you know?

So, if you ever wanted
to invite a girl over...

or a guy...

Are we gonna have
a problem here, Tanis?

(CHUCKLES)

Let's just stop talking,
food's ready. Come, eat.

(TRANCE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO)

What's on the Dark Web menu
today, gentlemen?

(SCOFFS) Funny you
put it like that 'cause...

We were about to enjoy
some Dark Web literature

about how to cook
human meat until...

our friend called.

Hmm. 13% of human beings
are cannibals, huh?

13% sounds right.

Wrong! That's what
they want you to think.

The truth, 100%
of human beings are cannibals.

The... The ones
on Earth, anyway.

How do you
know that?

How do I know that?

Ha! Well,
let's rewind the clock.

1840, Ireland,

the potato famine forces

thousands of those godless,
heathen bogtrotters

to migrate to North America.

(IN IRISH ACCENT)
No potatoes, you say!

Well, then what did
those paddy‐mick prods eat
on the fuckin' boat over here?

Fast‐forward, 1955,
Des Plaines, Illinois,

McDonald's restaurants
opened their first location.

Not a single cow was
photographed that day,

and yet they're
serving burgers? Gotcha.

Now McDonald's openly...

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

Openly boasts
over 999 billion served.

Fast‐forward, 2016, Donald Trump
is elected to office,

inherits the highest percentage
per capita of cannibals

in the world.

The left‐wing, fake news,
pinko media

wants you to think that he spent

16 of his first 100 days
in office golfing.

Wrong. Wrong!

Donald J. Trump spent 16
of his first 100 days,

as President of
the United States,

Commander‐in‐Chief,

leader of the goddamned
free world,

getting that per capita
percentage of cannibals

down from 100 to... Everett?

Uh... 13%?

That's right. Do the math.

No, no, actually do...
Actually do the math.

Do the meth?

We did the meth.

(EXHALES SHAKILY)

Listen, uh, friend.

We've been listening to you
ramble for an hour.

We only joined the Dark Web
to see cool new things,

and join cool
new movements.

And make
cool new pals.

Cool new pals, you say?

Yes.
No.

Stewart.

I know how you can make
all the coolest new pals ever.

Spare us the hyperbole.

How?

Join the Hard Right!

I said that like that was
leading into another monologue,

but it's really just...
Just joi... Join the Hard Right.

(CLICKS TONGUE)
But...

Do you like our flag?
Oh, you probably...

couldn't... Do you like it?

I... I designed it.

Mmm.

Eat up. You're gonna need
fuel for later. (CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY
OVER STEREO)

(BURPS)

What...
What?

...the actual fuck
was that now?

What now?

Well, you're sitting, eating,
and breathing,

so, the other thing.

Burping?
Yes.

Some primitive,
distressing version of it

That was nothing.
Terrific.

You can burp, too.
Outstanding.

You can fucking fart,
if you want.

You know why?
Because it's normal.

But is it fashionable?

It's becoming...

It's unbecoming.

Well, your boyfriend Daryl

burps and spits.

Dary also chases ducks,

draws on the walls,

and must be told
not to taste or touch

everything he sees.

That's true.

So, is it because I'm a lady?

Who's a lady?

So, what, you're saying that
girls shouldn't burp, too?

I don't say
what girls should do.

Well, men shouldn't
shackle women.

We made Prohibition happen,
watch your step.

Already walkin' on eggshells.

Done your food?

That ship's clear
across the pond.

Same. Let's go make a fire

'cause it's a beautiful
fucking day.

Is that what it is?
What?

Hmm?

COACH: Okay, pheasants.

We got bact‐to‐back‐to‐back

Coast Guard Zodiacs
at our fingertips.

But full disclosure,

this team's got a bit of
an attitude problem, all right?

Little battle of leadership
going on in here.

All right? Sure, they got their
center console skiffs,

but they went through a lot
of coaches in the process.

(SCOFFS)
Mundane details, boys.

We want
a twin engine jet boat.

We want that cruise ship.

That's the attitude, pylons.
Now get in there.

All right.

(REILLY AND JONESY
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

JONESY: What the...
(REILLY EXCLAIMS)

What are you two doing?

Sorry, boys... Ladies.

We didn't know
you were ladies, boys.

Um... Not ladyboys. We didn't
know you were ladies.

Do you think the door is open
to everyone here?

Just because Mary‐Anne
looks like she's homeless,

doesn't mean you can
treat it like a shelter.

Fuck you, Betty‐Anne.

But she's right.

Door isn't open
to everybody here.

Just because our mitt looks
like the back of Christ's head,

doesn't mean you can treat
it like a church.

Fuck you, Mary‐Anne.

Your mitt looks like Babe Ruth's
ball glove from the dirty '30s

if 20 more dudes spat
chewing tobacco in it.

Your mitt's actually
a work of art, Betty‐Anne.

Like Salvador Dali's
melting clocks,

but instead of melting clocks,
it's melting salad bowls

of off‐pink ice‐cream.

Hmm. I love ice‐cream,
Mary‐Anne.

I love all frozen treats.

Your mitt looks like I squeezed
a cherry‐red popsicle with
a handful of dryer lint.

Meet your new team, pheasants.

You serious with
that turtleneck?

You could lose
a lot of heat in the neck,

as I like to say.

You mean, cold?

I wouldn't say
I'm hot, but...

Ugh. Most men I know
wouldn't complain about
something like that.

You see the elephant?

You mean next to
the bus crash?

That's the one.
Yeah, I see it.

You wanna talk about it?

Let's talk about it.

A woman can be what she wants.

That is so nice of you
to allow that.

Not what I meant.
I'm kidding.

A woman should be
what she wants.

Better.

There's no definition
of a woman.

It's the same as a man,
there's no definition...

No need to womansplain,
I'm aware.

But a woman should be with
a man she finds...desirable.

And vice versa.

Like, long‐term,
like in a relationship.

Can't confirm.

I don't think
you're it, cowboy.

Oh, you think?
(CHUCKLES) I know.

Good enough.
Good stuff.

A short‐term...

(CLEARS THROAT)
on the other hand...

How short?

A night.
A night?

An hour?

Maybe more than an hour.

A night.
A night.

Maybe even a morning.

Maybe even a morning.

'Cause we didn't do
all the things I wanted to do.

Well, we talked,
we ate...
It was good, right?

Thank you for supper.
My pleasure.

We talked, we ate,

we sat by the fire.

So, then the other thing.

Good enough.
Good stuff.

(SNIFFLES)

Just kiddin'! (CHUCKLES)

DARYL: Fifteen‐two,
the rest won't do.

Fifteen‐four,
the rest don't score.

Runs of threes,
that's its for me's.

Youse been playin'
all fuckin' night?

How'd it go, big brother?

Do you all know what,

aside from the end there,

so fuckin' poorly.

Called it.
How poorly?

So poor.

He said, so fuckin' poor.

Talkin' about ultra poor.

Called it.
What did I miss?

BOTH: Taco night.

KATY: But not just
any taco night.

(IN LA ACCENT) LA taco night.

(MOCKINGLY)
Oh, there's no taco night
like an "LA" taco night.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
You've never had taco night

unless you've had
an "LA" taco night.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. Well,
if it's taco night in "LA",

then you must have had a hike.
Did youse have a hike?

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.

You can't have taco night
in "LA" without havin' a hike.

(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
We had an LA hike,

but it was so cold,
it gets so cold in LA.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
It's a deserts, don't you know?

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
It gets just as cold in "LA".

It's just a different kind
of cold in "LA".

(MOCKINGLY) Pull your finger
out of your ass.

(MOCKINGLY) That's what I say,
I said pull your finger
out of your ass,

you're from "LA".

(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
You've got to take La Cienega
to La Tijera

if you're going to LAX in "LA".

(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
I will have another
cold‐pressed juice

'cause we're in LA.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
I'm just poppin' down
to Trader Joe's

to load up on kombuchas in "LA".

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. You can
stick your Hybrid Toyotas
straight up your ass,

it's all about Teslas
now in "LA".

(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
It's like you could never
usually get a pizza

that was that good
in "LA" until now.

(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
We're gonna have a winter brunch

outside on Melrose. (CHUCKLES)

'Cause you can do that in LA.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. I'm taking
improv classes at the UCBs,

but only until the groundlings
figure it out in "LA".

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. You better
get joined in a burlesque troupe
if you're going to "LA."

"LA".

"LA".
"LA".

"LA"?
"LA".

"LA".
DAN: "LA".

"LA".
"LA".

"LA"...

Pull your finger
out of your ass.

That's what I say,
I said pull your finger
out of your ass.

(SONG PLAYING)