All language subtitles for Letterkenny (2016) - S03E03 - MoDeans 2 (1080p HULU WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

You were chorin' with
your pals the other day.

(BLOWING NOSE)

Don't be
a fuckin' degen, Dary.

What?

Well, every time
you snot rocket...

Or farmer spit...

You lick your lips after,
and it's fuckin' gross.

You act like yous got it all
your damn self.

I'm not a fuckin' snot licker,
that's for GD sure.

The last time I checked,

nothin' up there
that can't hurt me.

Incorrect, big shooters.

Snots is actually your body's
garbage removal system.

When you breathe in,
your nose hairs collects

all sorts of dusts and debris,

including bacterias
and viruses.

That's your body's way of
removing them from you.

That's what snots is.

Dust and debris
and viruses and what?

Figure it out.

You're getting rid of that
dust and debris intranasallys

and then you just takes it
right back in orally.

Well, youse can
both take it anally,

that's all I give
a care about.

You better settle
down over there,

or I'm gonna come talk to you.

Speaking of
taking things anallys...

Moving on.

‐I gots a question.
‐Nope.

It's of the personal varietys.

There's such a thing as
too much butt talk,

and a fella oughta be
fuckin' aware of it.

Well, youse guys
are my friends.

I relys on you for counsel.

I gots a problem
and I need my friends.

If a man asks for help,
you help him.

Pitter‐patter.

Youse guys remembers that gal

I took to the chip trucks
last summer?

Fuck's sake.

(CHUCKLES )The one who put
her finger in your bum?

Mind your
fuckin' beeswax, Dary.

That's the one, Dary.

It's impolite
to kiss and tell, Dan.

Well, I knows it's impolites
to kiss and tells, but...

No butts.

Actually, this involves
a significant butt.

Hers or yours?

I'm gonna take a fuckin'
migraine here.

Anyways, she was
askings me about...

Performings the anal sex
on her.

Youse guys...

Youse guys ever do that?

You ever...

Takes the dirt road home?

‐No.
‐No.

Well, Professor Tricia from
my women's studies group,

she says
it's quite commons to...

Enter through
the back door. Uh...

Mind you she didn't stress
whethers that was naturals...

Well, but, like I've been
told, that where vagina sex

is like a total encasing
of the penis, like...

Like sticking a hot dog
inside a pogo,

and then like, anal sex is a
partial encasing of the penis,

so it'd be more like

putting a hot dog
in a beer bottle.

‐Waynes?
‐No.

‐Dary?
‐The answer's still no.

But I have been told
the same thing as Dary,

that whereas vagina sex
provides stimulation

of the entire penis,

like a sausage
inside a burrito,

but bum sex provides
stimulation only from like...

Well, like the rim
of the butt hole

rather than inside
the butt hole also.

So, what you're sayings is,

it's less like going inside
this Long John Silvers here,

and more like going inside
this honey cruller here.

Correct. It's less like going
inside this loaf of bread...

And more like going
inside this bagel.

‐Waynes?
‐No.

‐Dary?
‐Answer's still no.

But I have been told that
it's less like going inside

this wheel of Brie cheese

and more like going inside
this piece of Swiss cheese.

Oh, I love Swiss cheese.

I love honey crullers.

You don't like bagels.

Nope.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SIGHS) I need to borrow
your truck, big brother.

What for?

To take these two
back to the city.

‐For good?
‐Yeah.

(KEYS RATTLE)

Why youse taking them back
to the city, Katy?

Why don't you ask them?

Okay. Shep. Kingsley,

why is Katy's taking you backs
to the citys?

Probably 'cause
we're big fat tubs of lard.

It's 'cause we're too tubby.

Does that answer
your question, Dan?

Gotcha.

If I was
a supporting character

in a Tom Hanks movie,
I'd be Tubba Gump.

Oh, sure, sure.

And if youse were an early
Jake Gyllenhaal film,

you'd be Tubble Boy.

If I was a career resurrecting
Matthew McConaughey vehicle,

I'd be Dallas Buyers Tub.

Exactly.

And if you were an Original
NES two‐player fighting game,

you'd be Tubble‐Dragon.

I knew youse were tubble
when you walked in.

Let's go.

Don't forget to come back for
the opening of MoDean's 2.

Let's get hammered, boys.

Those is acceptable terms,
Ms. Katy's.

'Bout time we had some
sort of bar in this town.

Gail called. She says she
needs a hand getting set up.

Yeah. We gotta go past

Jivin' Pete's You‐Brew‐Too
to pick up the kegs.

Youse can do that without me.

Mmm. What's Jivin' to do now?

Besides hangin' out with
degens from up country?

(GRUMBLES)

Jivin's not really
a goods guy anymore, is he?

Mmm, no. I wouldn't call
Jivin' a good guy anymore.

Jivin' honked his horn at Katy

when she was crossing
the street uptown.

Jivin' shouldn't
have done that.

Jivin' laughed at her, too,
when she jumped.

He scared her.

‐To be fair...
‐To be fair...

ALL: (SING‐SONG) To be fair...

Jivin's pals laughed, too.

Jivin's pals
shouldn't have done that.

Jivin' and his pals thinks
so much of themselves

they probably
suck each other off.

We'll go pick up
the kegs from Jivin's.

You want us to tell Jivin'
you're gonna come talk to him?

You know how he feels
about talkin's.

He'll hear it from me.

‐10‐4, good buddy.
‐Over and out.

‐(MUSIC PLAYING)
‐Hey, girl.

Hey, boy.

Superstar DJ.

ALL: Hey. Here we go!

‐Who are you?
‐Gae.

So am I.

I didn't ask
what you were, girl.

I didn't tell you
what I am, boy.

Who are you?

‐I'm Gae.
‐So am I.

No, you're not.

(QUIVERING) That's exactly
what my father said to me.

So you're in the business
of opening wounds, girl?

Stop calling me girl, boy.

‐And what shall I call you?
‐Gae.

I'm the only gay in this crew!

And I was born this way,
Stewart!

I support you, remember?

Let me get this straight.
He's a homosexual?

That's exactly what my mother
said to me.

(CRYING) The exact same way.

You will delete yourself
from this dwelling, girl.

But not before
you reveal your motive

behind your vexations streak!

‐Fine.
‐And after that, huh,

you better bizzounce!

My name is Gae.

That's your name?

Wow.

And I thought Roald's parents
never gave him a chance...

(SOBBING) They didn't...

My parents banished me to
Letterkenny from the city

to live with my aunt
because of poor behavior.

‐You're an outcast.
‐I'm a deportee.

‐You're a vagrant.
‐(WHISPERS) I'm in exile.

(EXHALES) Arresting.

Everyone here
is some form of derelict.

I will hear you out...

Gae.

ROALD: Dad...
Yup. Still a homo...

But you're the one who
named me after the author of

Charlie and
the Chocolate Factory!

‐Listen up, you pilons.
‐Grab a knee, plugs.

All right. Now, I know

you guys may
not want to hear this,

but getting rid
of that puck bunny

is the first step towards
getting a W, boys.

We'll introduce you
to a couple of

sporty little spices
down the road, boys.

But I like that
sporty little spice.

BOTH: Pardon?

Sorry. Sorry, man, my bad.

Boomtown!

But I like that
sporty little spice!

Okay.

Well, you'd better
learn to hate her

because she's
the reason we have

zero W's on the season, boys.

‐We need that W, boys.
‐Gotta have that W, boys.

Gotta want that W, boys.

And the first step
to getting it is...

Beating your
opponent mentally.

Gotta get inside
of his head, boys.

Hockey is 90% mental,
10% skill.

Unless you're a retired NHL
tough guy Basil McRae,

who says hockey is 50% mental,
50% being mental.

(SOFTLY) Still not sure
that's PC, buddy.

No. Baz makes his
own rules, though, buddy.

‐Love Baz, bro.
‐Baz for life, yo.

(BOTH CLEAR THROAT)

Now, the easiest way

to get inside your
opponent's head, boys,

is by chirping from the bench.

Obviously, boys.

Talk is for Schmelts,
you little bitch.

Do your talking on
the scoreboard, schmelts.

‐Oh. Oh, okay.
‐Hmm...

Have any of you guys
been doing any talking

on the scoreboards lately?

‐Hey? Hmm?
‐Nice stats, no stats.

Fine, you little bitch.

We'll try it
your way, schmelts.

BOTH: Good.

Tonight, we will
be taking you boys

through chirping
from the bench 101.

‐We can get this W, boys.
‐We will get this W, boys.

You're not gonna get this
W, boys, not by yourselves.

But luckily for you pheasants,

someone in this room
has got some jam.

Ready to meet
your new teammate? Come on!

(WATER RUNNING)

Look at this tour de force.

This piece de resistance.

This masterpiece.

‐Huh?
‐(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

Look at that hustle.
Look at that jam.

Multitasking, pheasants.

Maxing every single second!

That's how
you get the W, boys.

SHORESY: Well, fuck, boys,
I was already down here

ripping ass whilst
figured I'd rip some raps.

What the fuck are you
looking at, tit fucker?

‐Give your balls a tug.
‐Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Reily. Fight me,
see what happens.

Yeah, what's gonna
happen, Shoresy?

Three things, I hit you,
you hit the pavement,

ambulance hits 60.

That's the worst chirp
I've ever heard

in my entire life, Shoresy.

That's my slow‐learning

Mennonite uncle's
favorite chirp.

SHORESY: Yeah, it's your mom's
favorite chirp, too, buddy.

Ask her, see what happens.

Yeah?
What's gonna happen, Shoresy?

Three things, I hit you,
you hit the pavement,

I fuck your mom again.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy. Your mom
just liked my Instagram post

from two years ago
in Puerto Vallarta.

Tell her I'll put
my swim trunks on for her

anytime she likes.

Fuck you, Shoresy!

Fuck you, Reilly.

Your mom keeps trying to slip
a finger in my bum,

but I keep telling her
I only let

Jonsey's mom do that,
you fuckin' loser.

My mom would never put
a finger in your bum!

Mum's a fuckin' saint. Fuck!

Fuck your entire fuckin' life,
you piece of shit.

Gail, how're ya now?

‐Good, 'an you?
‐Not bad.

ALL: To MoDean's 2!

Ah.

It's a hell of a space
you got.

Thanks for the help, boys.

You're welcome, Gails.

Wasn't Jivin' Pete supposed
to deliver those himself?

‐Yeah.
‐What happened with that?

My cousin said
she seen him with

some degens from up country.

(GROWLS)

Anywho, Old Gail's all sorts
of jazzed about MoDean's 2.

So are we, Gails.

I'm so jazzed
I couldn't sleep last night.

I was up flickin' more bean
than a Starbucks barista.

‐Good enough, Gail.
‐I mean it.

Handled more dime
than a homeless man.

‐Where do these go?
‐Back door...

Where you know
you're always welcome, Wayne.

‐Okay.
‐(OBJECT THUDS)

There someone else here?

Yeah. I hired
a couple waitresses.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh...

Bonnie McMurray.

I thought you said there
was two, uh, waitresses.

‐Glen?
‐Wayne!

(CHUCKLES) Well,

I guess the kitten's out
of the clutch, again.

Glen's back to waitressing.

Well, you look...

‐Ordinary.
‐(EXCLAIMS)

Did you hear that?
That's some hot praise coming

from Mr. Extraordinary.
(CHUCKLES)

Gave him a little makeover.

Figured if you guys
get some eye candy,

old Gail is gonna help
herself to a fistful too.

Mmm.
Gail got me the Lasik so...

(GROWLS)

BOTH: Hi, Bonnie.

‐Hi, Wayne.
‐How're ya now?

Bonnie, kegs are coming in,

so make sure
the lines are clean.

Glen, go throw some ice
in the urinals.

I know it's like a little
video game for you guys.

Can confirm.

BOTH: Bye, Bonnie.

BOTH: Bye, Wayne.

No, I was going
to say it first.

You don't want to go
toe‐to‐toe with me, darlin'.

Anyway, back to Jivin'.

He's turned into
a bit of a tit, hasn't he?

Yeah, his pals too.

Well, if you've got something
to say about Jivin',

you should
say it to his face.

Bad gas travels
fast in a small town.

You don't want him hearin'
that from somebody else.

‐It's dishonorable.
‐It's a true story.

Saddle up to the bar
when you're done.

I'll show my new Haitian taco.

Well, I don't know
if that's foods or not,

but if it is,
I'm lookin' forward to it.

It's only for Wayne.

Well, then I guess
it's not foods.

But I'm gonna pencil you
in for a chats, Gail,

'cause Haitian tacos,

that sounds like we got
something there.

You guys remember when Jivin
was pissing down the hay mow

and Alexander
was climbing up

and he got a bit of pee
in his mouth?

Enough talk about Jivin'.

And then,
you remember the same night

Alexander fell face first
into the cow paddy

and got a bit
of poop up nose?

That's pretty much par for
the course with Alexanders.

So, what would
you rather have then,

a bit of pee in your mouth or
a bit of poop up your nose?

Well...

Well, fuckin' neither.

Well, but it's hypothetical,
it's a game.

It's called,
"Would You Rather."

So, you got to pick one or the
other is what you're saying.

Yes. It's hypothetical.

Kinda feels
like you did pot.

Well, how much pee's
are we talking about?

Yeah, and how much poop?

Okay, so if we're
talking about,

like an eyedropper,
be like, mmm...

Four or five drops of pee,
right in your mouth.

Or, let's call it like,

the end
of the pinkie fingernail,

full poop, up your nose.

For the rest
of your life.

Oh, so it's for the rest
of your fuckin' life now?

Yeah. Would you rather have

a bit of pee in your mouth,
or a bit of poop up nose?

And you... You can't spits
the pee's out your mouth

or blows the poops
out of your nose?

Well, see, Dary would just
lick it off his lips

after blowin' it out anyway.

That's correct, Dan.

I think I'd take
the poops in my nose.

But then you'd be smelling

poop for the rest of your
life. And poop is potent, pal.

Yeah, but if you had
pee's in your mouth

and every time you takes
a bites of food, you...

You're gonna be
tasting pee's.

Yeah.

And you're gonna have to
swallow a bit of that pee

with every time
you take a bite of food.

Do you wanna know what,
I'd take the poop.

Yes, I would take the poop.

Well, there's no chance
of ingesting's the poop?

Well, I'm not a scientist
or anything,

that's not really
my forte,

but say you had
the sniffles, right?

And you honk one back,

and you get a piece of that
poop right in

the back of your throat,
that's down the hatch.

Well, see that's changing
the fuckin' rules, Dary.

Before you said
you're either

taste the pee
or smell the poop.

Now you're saying you're
tasting and smelling poop.

Well, the pee is in your mouth
and the poop is in your nose.

What happens after that
is beyond my control.

Well, he's right there,
Wayne.

DARYL: So?

'Kay, just...

'Kay, you wanna know what...

'Kay, let's all answer
at the exact same time.

And a one and a two and a one,
two, three...

‐ALL: Poop... Pee.
‐What the fuck was that shit?

‐That is shameful, Dary.
‐That is... Shame on you.

(ALL ARGUING)

Know what?
I'd have a fuckin' spit!

Now before we proceed,

dost thou knoweth
where Devon is?

‐Who?
‐Devon.

‐No.
‐No.

‐Yes.
‐Yes?

‐No!
‐(WHIMPERS)

You appear...

Felonious.

You appear erroneous.

How are we to know that
you are not responsible

for Devon's disappearance?

I don't know, how are you?

Still a little
hurt and fragile

from speaking with my father.
But thank you for asking.

That's not what
she's saying, Roald.

‐(WHIMPERS)
‐What are you saying, Stewart?

I'm just saying,
as Devon fades,

you materialize.

Simple math.

Child's play.

Cool movie.
Though I prefer Problem Child.

Same.

(WHISPERS)
What's with the clown costume?

Sit.

Stay.

Speak.

What's with the clown costume?

Don't you watch the news?

There are clowns
inflicting apprehension

on the general public
via sheer terrorism,

or petty vandalism all over
North America.

So, you've coalesced
with some sort of continental,

inter‐colonial clown posse?

I'm a bad seed.

Staying out late,
missing curfew, you know...

I know.

‐Kissing boys.
‐(SOFTLY) Hmm. I know.

‐What is it you seek, Gae?
‐Asylum.

Remember Soul Asylum?

Cool band.
Though I prefer Soulfly.

Same.

‐Collective Soul?
‐Or Soulwax.

‐Wondrous.
‐soulDecision?

‐Asylum granted!
‐Domo.

‐Arigato.
‐I'm here to rebel.

Give me three good reasons
why you feel you must rebel.

I hate the world.

I hate my parents.

I hate myself.

As you were.

My parents banished me here
for poor behavior.

It is my goal to behave
even worse in Letterkenny,

so they have no choice
but to bring me back.

Formidable. Jocular.

Allow us to assist.

To aid.

To be your asset.

‐Oui.
‐C'est bon.

‐Prodigious.
‐First rate.

‐Boss.
‐Incroyable.

Hooray.

But first...

Our wardrobe
craves alteration.

What...
(MOUTHS) What does that...

‐(GROWLS)
‐(WHIMPERS)

Okay, boys let's
keep it simple, ferda.

KISF principle, buddy.
Keep it simple, ferda.

Repetition is the key.

Pick a topic. Beat the shit
out of it, ferda.

Topic is "ugly."

BOTH: The tip of the tongue,
the teeth and lips.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth and lips.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth and lips.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(BOTH CLEAR THROAT)

‐Fuck, are you ugly, 2‐2.
‐You're fuckin' ugly, 2's.

Your ugly requires a sign, 22.

"Caution. Fuckin' ugly."

Your ugly requires
a disclaimer, 2‐2.

"Parental Advisory.
Explicit ugly."

‐You're up.
‐Hey.

Ugly.

You little bitch. Yorkie.

Look at you, ugly. Scholtzy.

You're ugly.

Pussy.

Fisky.

Wow. Ugly.

Boomtown!

Oh, man...

Ugly.

Keep practicing, boys.

Dig deep. Bare down, boys.

That was a piss‐poor
start, buddy.

Delicious pun, buddy,
since we're pissing.

‐That was ugly.
‐(URINATING)

Well, you gotta work through
adversity, find a way to win.

Fore check. Back check.
Pay check, buddy.

‐Cross check.
‐Hip check.

Stick check?

No, waving your stick's
a free ticket to sit.

Hate sittin', buddy.

The boys'll figure it out
in no time.

The boys'll get the mental W,
we'll get the scoreboard W.

‐Ferda.
‐Ferda.

‐(VOCALIZING)
‐(BOTH GROANING)

SHORESY: What are you
pissing so close

to the urinals for,
you piece of shit?

This is how
a real man rocks a piss.

Give your balls a tug,
tit fucker.

I'm coming, Shoresy!

I heard the same thing from

your mum last night
five to seven times.

And that's not even my record,
you fuckin' loser.

What the fuck, man!

Sorry you had
to do this, fellas.

Jivin' Pete was supposed to be
around with the sidewalk plow.

Jivin's full of shits.

Yeah, him and his pals are
probably suckin'

each other off right now.

What did I say? Bad gas
travels fast in a small town.

You don't want him hearin'
this from somebody else.

It's dishonorable.

Okay. Would you rather have
a penis for a nose,

or a vagina for a mouth?

Hand me another horn
100% of the time...

(SOFTLY) ...all the time.

Well, can you use them as
functioning sex organs

or are they just
sorts of there?

Mmm.
No, they are not functional,

so you can't have
an orgasm through 'em

and you can't take
a piss through 'em.

So then you're eatin'
from a vagina mouth

or sniffin' through
a penis nose?

Correct.

All this vagina eating talk
is getting this old goat

all sorts of fired up, Wayne.

‐Fair warning.
‐'Kay.

I think I'd just have to say
the vagina's mouth.

It's just less intrusives.

Well, it's gotta be
the vagina mouth.

Who wants a dink hangin' down
bouncing off

their lips all fuckin' day?

Mmm. You're just walking me

right into it at this point,
cowboy.

'Kay. Let's...
'Kay, you know what?

'Kay. Let's all answer
at the same time.

And a one, and a two,
and a one, two, three...

ALL: Vagina mouth
DAN: Penis nose.

Oh, that's fuckin' gross, Dan.

That's fuckin' disgusting,
Dan.

Walking around with a mouthful
of roast beef all day.

Youse have never had a dick
bouncing off your lips.

Don't knock it till
you've tried it.

Fuck's sake...

From this moment forward,
we are a collective.

A confab.

‐A conclave.
‐A clambake.

‐(SCOFFS)
‐We are...

FAK‐U.

Freaks Acting Krayzee...

ALL: United.

Roald. Have you prepared
the final accessory?

FAK‐U!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

One gino tonight,
but no W, ferda.

One gino too, ferda,
but no W tonight, boys.

Gotta focus on the small
victories, boys.

Size matters, bro.

All right boys,
two seconds left.

Let's show us what you got.

Remember what we taught you,
boys.

Talk is for schmelts,
you little bitch.

We ain't schmelts. Schmelts.

Okay, boys,
we're running out of time

on the scoreboard to do
any talking.

Try it our way, boys.

Pick a topic.

Beat the shit out of it.
Yorkie?

Topic is "skate"!

Scholtzy.

Fuckin' skate, 2‐7.

Pussy.

Fisky.

Skate, you fuckin' pylon.

Boomtown!

Come on,
you fuckin' plug, skate!

All right boys, now add
a little English on it.

Add a little hot sauce, boys.

Add a little habanero
pepper, ferda.

Add a little
ghost pepper, ferda!

Come on, 2‐7,

you fuckin' sea salt
sprinkling sally, skate!

Yorkie? You think you're
Chuck Galchenyuk?

Nice microns, you
fuckin' hipster dandy.

Skate!

Scholtzy.

Skate! Pussy!

Fisky.

What's wrong with you,
you fuckin' cement boot,

no legs, cupcake cocksman?
Skate!

Boomtown!

I hate you like I hate
puck bunnies, bitch. Skate!

‐(BANGING ON TABLE)
‐(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh!

Yeah, fuckin' loved that move
when I was in the third grade.

What else can you do,
you ugly fuck?

Can you suck my knob?

You're a knob sucker, 27.

‐(VOCALIZING)
‐(BUZZER SOUNDING)

(ALL CHEERING)

‐(RATTLING)
‐(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Whoo!

DARYL: Would you guys
rather be surrounded by

three bed bugs
every night of your life,

or three mosquitoes
every day of your life?

KATY: You're an idiot, Daryl.

Are you allowed to kill the
bed bugs or the skeeters?

No.

So, they're immortal
bed bugs or skeeters?

Would you rather be surrounded

by three bed bugs
every night of your life,

or three mosquitoes
every day of your life?

No ostrich fuckers
here, hicks.

I hear you're going around
town saying I'm full of shit.

‐Jivin' Pete.
‐(KATY SIGHS)

Bad gas travels fast
in a small town.

Yes, I did say that.

And that my friends
and I are so into ourselves

we probably suck
each other off?

Yes, I did say that too.

Would you say it to my face?

I'm embarrassed
this got to you

before you heard it from me.

You should be.

I'm not the type of prick
to take the side door.

I'll come right up
front and knock.

Good.

‐Knock‐knock.
‐Who's...

You're at Jivin' Pete's.

I think you're full of shit
and you and your pals think

so much of yourselves you
probably suck each other off.

JIVIN' PETE:
Are you fuckin' serious?

What's anybody
gonna do about it?

Say you're sorry.

JIVIN' PETE: I'm sorry.

Don't honk at girls,
and don't holler at girls.

And don't talk to them when
they're not interested

in talking to you.

And don't talk to 'em unless

they're interested
in talking to you.

10‐4?

Over and out.

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