All language subtitles for Letterkenny (2016) - S03E02 - Puck Bunny (1080p HULU WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

You were fishing
with your pals

the other day...

‐Wayne.
‐Dary.

You should get yourself
fuckin' Puppers.

I already got
a fuckin' Puppers.

I know you're still spittin'

about the shack
gettin' trashed.

But if you don't
tuck in that lip,

a bird's gonna come over here
and poop right on it.

What do I say about
talkin' too much, Dary?

The less you say now,

the less you have
to apologize for later.

‐Good.
‐All I'm saying is,

if you're gonna be poopy,

maybe go try fishing
with somebody else.

What do I say
about the old boss, Dary?

Old boss is always a dick
till you meet the new one.

‐Good.
‐Plus, I think,

the only other people
out here fishing

are either
Ginger or Boots,

who may not
have fucked an ostrich

like everybody
thinks they did.

Point and fuckin' proof.

You give good advice, Wayne.

Well, what's good for the
goose is good for the gander.

Oh, you're GD right is.

Let's just hope
she doesn't go in one ear

and out the other, bud.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

‐Guess what?
‐Chicken butt.

(FARTS)

‐That's inappropriate, Dan.
‐Why?

Well, you were just out
in the great wide open

but you wait till
you come back in here

to drop your guts?

Now, just hold your horses,
Wayne, for just one second.

I farted outside, too.

Oh, that is noisy, Dan.

Are you fuckin' serious
with that turtleneck?

‐Figure it out.
‐You figure it out.

Like, that's damn near
doctor‐assisted, Dan.

It's a little bit overripe,

but it's not like I'm falling
aparts on the inside.

Do you wanna know what?

It's time we draw
a line in the sand.

Or the snow,
so to speak.

‐On farts?
‐On farts!

The less you say now,

the less you have
to apologize for later.

Good.
But I've had it.

Let's get real here.

You rip an appropriate fart,
we all have a giggle,

salute and pay tribute.

For a good time,
Tim, Tom and Terrence.

But the inappropriate farts
gotta go.

The inappropriate farts
are turning us into

a bad time
Tony, Todd and Tucker.

Oh, I can'ts wait.

And I mean this...

I can't wait to find out

what could possibly be deemed
an inappropriates fart.

‐Farting in here.
‐In here?

With the door closed, yeah.
Tight quarters.

No airflow. Poor form.

But I'm with friends.
That's who farts are for.

‐Around food, too.
‐Around food?

Especially around
people eating food.

That's fuckin' ignorant.

But I'm eatings, too.

That's when
I'm rife with farts.

Okay, Dan. Dan, okay.
Okay, Dan. Dan, okay.

Let's do an exercise here.

You're in a car,
when's it okay to fart?

When you're alone.

One point for Dary.

It's always okay to fart
when you're alone,

but 'cept when
you're in elevators.

That's uncouth.

You're trying to rob me
of my lifebloods here.

Or you can
roll down the window.

Another point for Dary.

But the car
must be traveling

a minimum of
60 kilometers an hour,

so that the fart may be
aggressively vacuumed out

before penetrating nostrils.

This is literally
all I have going for me.

If you ask permission?

Hmm...

Well, safe to say,

if you have to ask
for permission

it's an inappropriate fart,

but I'll still give you
a half a point.

(SCOFFS)
The cheekiness.

The indecencys of it.

It's downright abusives,
is what it is!

Hey.

Is that any way
to talk to a guy

with two and a half points?

Get this guy
a fuckin' Puppers.

You wanna
know what?

If you needs me,

I'm gonna be outsides...

(YELLS)
Farting appropriately!

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

How cold is it
out there tonight?

Minus 40 with the wind chill.

Old boss is always a dick
till you meet the new one.

Good.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

All right,
you fuckin' pheasants...

All right,
you fuckin' pheasants!

Coach.

Players‐only meeting.

I'm so sorry.

All right,
you fuckin' pheasants.

Now, we love being the biggest
Pantene pros in the league,

but we want some wins.

We love being
the silkiest studs,

but no W's is embarrassing.

REILLY: I mean,
I buried a one‐timer,

a backhand‐clapper‐top
cheese last night, boys.

But who cares?
No W.

I buried
a knee‐down half‐clapper

from the goal line.

Big whoop.
No W.

And if we want
some wins in this room,

we gotta get
the puck bunny out of it.

What's a puck bunny,
you little bitch?

You don't know
what a puck bunny is?

Not sure I'm familiar
with the term either, Barts.

Okay.

Whereas musicians
have groupies,

hockey players
have puck bunnies.

‐Hmm.
‐Right?

‐Yeah.
‐Right? Get it?

I think I understand.

A puck bunny is someone
who seeks a relationship

with hockey players,
specifically.

Seeks to fuck them.
Yes.

‐I have no problem with that.
‐Right.

Unless the puck bunny
is getting in the way of wins.

JONESY:
Any puck bunnies

getting in the way of W's
come to mind?

I once tongue‐kissed a woman
in line for the beer gardens

at a dragon boat race,

after she said
she liked my team jacket.

But I don't think
she was a puck bunny.

You little bitch.

Yorkie?

I once open‐mouth
first‐based a woman

I delivered a gourmet
coffee gift card to,

after she won at
a team fundraiser raffle draw.

I don't think
she was a puck bunny.

Scholtzy?

I once got
an over‐the‐pants handy

in the back seat
of a Pontiac Bonneville,

during a drive‐in screening
of Slap Shot.

But I don't think
she was a puck bunny.

Pussy. Fisky?

I once got a rig‐friggin'
gherkin‐slurpin'

behind a gumball machine
at a bubble hockey tournament,

but I don't think
she was a puck bunny.

Boomtown?

I once accidentally
shit my pants

while masturbating in 2010,

when Crosby scored
an OT to win gold,

while I was
simultaneously mid‐orgasm.

(INHALES)

There was no one else there.

But don't you think
that's a good story?

Right, I'm just gonna
go ahead and spell this

right the fuck out
for you, boys.

The girl that
you're all in love with,

she's a puck bunny.

You better not
be talking about

my little Angie‐bojangles,
you little bitch.

Yorkie?

She's my wittle
Angie‐bo‐peepers,

so sweet
when she sleepers, Barts.

But still.

They better not
be talking about her.

Scholtzy?

Angie gives me butterflies

in my wittle
bread baskety‐wasket.

Pussy. Fisky?

It's the little things
she does,

giving me kisses at night
when she thinks I'm asleep,

but I'm not.

So soopiddy‐wooper cute.

Poopiddy‐boopity‐woo‐woo.

Boomtown?

No one acknowledged
my story from 2010.

Maybe I've said too much.

I'm feelin' insecure!

(DOOR OPENING)

Barts. Yorkie.
Scholtzy. Boomtown.

Fisky.
Let's get some appys.

(ALL GRUNTING)

BOTH: You're tearing us apart!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Hey!
We need to talk.

Hey, bud.
Sick dangles last weekend.

Mix in a W, but still...

‐Unreal roadie for the boys.
‐Listen...

You too, bud.

Silky, silky mitts
last weekend.

Loved that
knee‐down half‐clapper.

Unreal.

(REILLY GROANS)

What did you want
to talk about, bud?

‐Nothing.
‐Sicky.

‐What about you, bud?
‐Nothing.

Unreal.

Well, I'm gonna go
crush a sando.

Appys a hundy P, boys.

(REILLY GROANS)

‐Oh, I hate that.
‐(SIGHS)

She's speaking
puck bunny, bro.

Aw, God,
girls who don't play hockey

should not talk like
hockey players, bud.

No. Hey!
Girls who don't play hockey,

stop talking
like hockey players.

Why would girls think
we like that, bud?

BOTH: We fuckin' hate that!

Ah, man, we might
be waxed here, bud.

I mean, I want W's,
but I can't talk to her.

I can't do it.
I'll fucking pop.

I'm with you, bro.

I was already starting
to snap‐crackle.

(REILLY SIGHS)

Unless...

We find someone
who can talk to her.

Unless...

We find someone
who can speak puck bunny.

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

‐Ferda.
‐Ferda.

(ALL GRUNTING)

We gotta move fast, buddy.

‐Smoke bomb.
‐Ninja dust!

(THUDDING)

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

‐Well, where were you?
‐Diggin' out your sled.

Thanks, big brother.

Don't say I never
done nothin' for you.

(DAN FARTING)

‐Inappropriate.
‐Whys?

'Cause you're not supposed
to fart in front of girls.

‐True story.
‐You're suffocatings me.

That's a two‐way street.

BOTH: Hey, oh!

All right.
Let's focus on the shack.

How we gonna fuck this pig?

Step ones.
We figure out who dids it.

Well, I sent
Shep and Kingsley

to take photos of the damage
in the daylight.

(DOOR OPENING)

Photos?

(SIGHS)
They're on here.

Sorry if my big fat thumb was
in the way of some of them.

Hope so.

It'll hide
my big fat chunky butt.

I fuckin' know
these dudes do pot.

Guys...

If I was part of
a religious community of men,

I'd be a Tibetan chunk.

KINGSLEY: If I was
an Adam Sandler movie,

I'd be Punch‐Chunk Love.

Like, you know
it's more than sugar cereal.

Enough.

If I was
an American rapper‐DJ,

I'd be Chunkmaster Flex.

KINGSLEY: If I was an animated
pop‐music tribute trio,

I'd be
Alvin and the Chip‐Chunks.

Guys!

Go upstairs.
Stay there.

(SIGHS)

You've outdone yourself
this time, kiddo.

Shut up.
They are perks.

Stimulatings conversations?

Well, they're stimulating,
all right.

‐Huh?
‐Nothing!

Photos.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, God.

(DAN SIGHS)

Well, what's the scoop,
super chief?

Oh, it's degens from
up country all right.

How do you know?

All the different patches
of yellow snows.

Degens loves pissing outdoors.

‐Fuckin' degens.
‐DARYL: Mmm, Dan's right.

See that spatter
of blood right there?

That's from a bloody nose.

Degens always got
their finger up their nose.

I fuckin' hate degens
from up country so much.

You know, Jivin' Pete's
been hanging out

with those dudes too.

Hmm.

Does it feel like we're
spending a lot of time

dealin' with degens?

You know, it does
kind of feel like sometimes

you just wake up
in the morning

and start dealing with degens
from up country, doesn't it?

Only way to handles 'em.

We'll find 'em,
beat the shit out of them.

10‐4, good buddies.

Guys, what did I say?

It's just, can we have
the photos back?

We want to use them
for our portfolios.

Put a fuckin' shirt on!

Pitter‐Patter!

‐(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
‐(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

We knocked twice,
but nobody answered.

Frick and Frack?

Come in.

‐Hi, Katy‐Kat.
‐Hey, Katy‐Kat.

Pete and Repeat.
Hola.

You look great.

Aw, you trying make
this old goat's day?

‐I really like your hair, too.
‐Tick‐tock.

Um, we need a favor.

‐Ferda.
‐Okay.

There's a puck bunny.

So, the boys are getting laid.

A bad kind of puck bunny.

So, a lot of the boys
are getting laid.

‐She's divided the room.
‐I bet she divides in a room.

And we want W's, so...

‐So, she's gotta go.
‐BOTH: Yes!

‐Players only meeting.
‐Yeah, we tried that.

‐Boys aren't really receptive.
‐Mmm.

She's a clever little bunny.

We tried also talking
to her too, but...

‐She speaks puck bunny and...
‐(REILLY GROANS)

And what?

‐She drives us mental, boys.
‐We can't hang.

Like, girls who
don't play hockey

shouldn't talk like
hockey players, boys.

We fucking hate that.

I should've packed
a lunch for this.

We need somebody
who speaks puck bunny.

We were hoping, you could
speak puck bunny to her.

For us.

‐Ferda W's.
‐Ferda.

Okay, I used
to speak puck bunny.

Forgot most of it.

It's kind of one
of those languages

you need to really
immerse yourself in to master.

Let's see if I can
remember some.

Don't judge my accent.

‐Sick mitts, bud.
‐Oh, that's good.

‐Mix in a water. Unreal.
‐That's really good.

Wheel snipe, celly, boys.

BOTH:
Dirty fuckin' dangles, boys!

‐That's really good.
‐You nailed it.

(SIGHS)
Not my pig, not my farm.

Plus, this girl sounds
like she rolls.

I should meet her one day.
Adios.

Well, you have met her
already though.

‐I have?
‐Yeah, Angie.

The Angie?

BOTH: Yes.

In.

McMURRAY:
Look at this mess!

Look at all the dirty
butt‐filled cans.

Degenerates.

Bet that's not
your first dirty butt fill.

(LAUGHS)

(DAN FARTS)

‐Inappropriate.
‐Why?

Uh, Joint Boy's right
in the line of fire there.

Somebody likes some
Montreal steak spice

in their tomato soup.

‐Well, McMurray...
‐How're ya now?

‐Not so bad...
‐That's...

‐I'm good, and...
‐Well...

‐Are we gonna do...
‐Whatever...

‐So, every time...
‐Every time we do this...

We're gonna...

‐McMurray!
‐What?

Now, no one likes beatin' up
degens more than you,

so we figured
we'd give you a dang.

Tyson, Joint Boy,

youse helped us
put up the shack,

so only makes sense
you help us defend it.

Now, they got us
on the weekend.

We should nip this
in the bud now,

before they get the rest
of Letterkenny.

Well, that's all fine
and dandy, Wayne,

but I had to hire a hand to do
the chores in my absence.

You'll have
to cover his wages.

Same. I'm on nights right now.
That's double time.

You should try EI.

Fuckin' degens
from up country.

It's costing us money to beat
the shit out of these degens.

Wells, if we wants to beats
the shits out of 'em so bad

that they nevers come backs,
we're gonna need these guys.

You know degens,
they always come back.

See, they're always
coming back, is the thing.

Pitter‐Patter.

Bought and paid for,
for fuck sake. Dary.

We're gonna advertise
a party for degens,

egg huckers, nose pickers,
mailbox ruiners.

And what we're gonna do
is hide in degen blinds,

which are very similar
to deer blinds.

And we are gonna
put one right here.

And over there,
and there, and here.

And that way,
when the degens

come rolling up
on their sleds,

we jump out
of those degen blinds,

and beat the shit
out of them.

Well, that's a good idea,
Dary, except it's Tuesday.

It sounds more like
a Friday night thing,

or even
a Saturday night thing,

or even a Sunday thing
if you're squirrelly.

Can't forget, of course,
thirsty Thursdays.

It's fuckin' Tuesday.

I'd have a gagger right now.

Now, I'm no American
sniper style trouble‐shooter,

but I'd say the next step
is to discuss a stronger lure

to get them out here.

Well, whats do degens loves?

Well, besides nose‐pickin',
pissin' outside, nothing.

Well, there are many things

that if you were to watch
the evening news,

you would stop
and say to yourself,

"What a fuckin' degenerate
son of a bitch."

I would say at the top of
the list would probably be...

Racists.

God damn right.
Racists is definitely degens.

That's right, big hoss.
Exactly.

So, here's what we could do.

Now, hear me out,
just hear me out.

What we could do
is we advertise a party

for ethnicities
out here at the shack.

And we could use
the ethnicities to lure out

the degens that we wants
to beat the shits out of.

Fuck sakes, that's off‐sides.

Well, you didn't let me
finish, Boss Hogg.

So, what we could do, okay,

is once we bring
the ethnicities out here,

we could beat up
the degens

before they could try
to beat up the ethnicities.

You're still walkin' a super
fine line there, big chief.

You didn't let me finish.

See, what we can do now,

is have the ethnicities
help us beat up the degens

like some kind of
fantasy revenge

of love of ass‐whooping.

I guess I've seen that
in a Quentin Tarantino film

one or three times.

Abort.

There is that one thing
you see in the news

and immediately think,
"What a fuckin' degenerate."

‐Well, to be fair...
‐To be fair...

‐To be fair...
‐To be fair...

There's more than
a couple of things.

‐Homophobists.
‐Yeah.

Yeah, no. Homophobes
is definitely degens.

You mean, like gay‐bashing.

‐That's the one.
‐That's the worst.

Yeah, you're right.
That is so gay.

Wait, that there
is homophobics.

Who is?

The less you say now,

the less you have
to apologize for later.

Good.

You see, Professor Tricia
from my women's studies class

teaches us that homophobia

is not just condemning
homosexualitys,

but it's also not using

the appropriate
and preferred terms

what homosexuals
likes to be called by.

Yeah, but they call themselves
twinks sometimes.

Like, I'd be offended by that.

I might be offended
by that, too.

You see,
where I'm from,

sometimes when people think
things are dumb or stupid,

they just say that it's gay.

Yeah, but you're not exposed
to say that anymore.

Are you a homophobes?

No.

Well, 'cause what you said
was definitely homophobics.

Fucks this is a lot of work.

Hmm. It's like pickin' stones
and doin' hay all at once.

Fuckin' degens.

I'm pretty sure
you're a homophobist.

I beat the shit out of you
one time for beating up a gay.

Yeah, I didn't know
he was gay.

He called me a fag.

Well, this certainly
has come full circle.

Yeah, see,

but youse being offendeds
at being calleds a fag,

is also technically
homophobics.

I'm gonna take
a fuckin' migraine here.

Well, see,
where I'm from...

We all knows where youse
comes from, McMurray,

but times
they are a changin'.

TYSON:
I think we can all agree here

that homophobists
are degenerates.

You call the rest
a misunderstanding.

Call it a fuckin' day here.

Ah, you had good intentions.

Well, wait,
just so I understand here,

using gays
to lure degens out here

is just as bad,
if not worse,

than using ethnicities
to lure degens out here

that we wants
to beats the shit out of?

Christ sake.

And Tyson didn't even say

that the gays would help us
beat up the degens,

where the ethnicities would.

So, I think
it's obvious here, boys,

my idea has a clear edge.

Mmm,
I think it's quite obvious

that using human lures
is pretty extreme.

I'd really likes for you
to meet Professor Tricia.

Okay, so using gays
is homophobic.

Tip of the iceberg, bud.

What about, fake gays?

Well, what's a fake gays?

Well, someone
who may appear to be gay,

but is not actually gay.

And therefore,
it would not be gay‐bashing.

Well, yes, you'd wanna avoid
a hate crime if you could.

So, you wants to use fake gays
to lures the degens?

Perhaps.

DAN: Okay, listen.

Just so long as everyone's
heard my messages

loud and clears...

I thinks
I can lives with that.

Okay. This has been very
diplomatic and rational.

I think the next step
in the order of business here,

would be to go and find
some fake gays

for these degenerates
to beat up.

I know where to look.

Put a fuckin' shirt on.

Barts. Yorkie.
Schultzy. Fisky...

‐Katy?
‐Hey, bud.

Hey, bud.

The boys are supposed
to have just dusted praccy.

Aw, two‐a‐days.
They're on dry land now.

‐Unreal.
‐Hundy P.

Been wheelin'?

Been turnin' on
the jets, yeah.

Some notches on the bed post?

‐I've been notching.
‐Hashtag notch or die.

‐Eat. Sleep. Notch.
‐Who?

Been making my way
up the roster.

‐A full roster?
‐No call‐ups, obviously.

Yeah, of course.
They're not even schmelts yet.

And not Reilly and Jonesy.

I'd never touch them.

I'd never want
to piss you off.

(SCOFFS)

About that.

Yeah?

Do you remember when
you cheated on my brother?

‐Yeah.
‐And I went around town

telling everyone
that I was going to get you?

Yeah.

But then you left town,
so I couldn't.

Couldn't what?

Get you.

Yeah.

I guess, I could still...

Get you.

Yeah.

Stay away from
this dressing room.

‐Yeah.
‐And all the players in it.

Yeah.

Especially Reilly and Jonesy.

Yeah.

And one more thing.

Yeah?

Open your eyes.

(EXCLAIMS)

‐(EXCLAIMS)
‐Fuckin' get after it then.

(EXHALES)

Hey, big brother.

Good and you?

Don't say I never done
nothin' for ya.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Konnichiwa.

You are an embarrassment,
Devon.

For shame, Devon!

(SQUEALS) A girl!

(SCREAMING)

You know,
not to bitch and complain...

Not to piss and moan...

It's a lot of work,
these fuckin' degens, I know.

Figures you have to look
at the checklist.

Advertised for a gay party?

We really need some
sort of bar in this town.

Or homosexual.
Or queers.

You know, however
they choose to be identified.

Check.
Recruited fake gays.

‐God, those guys are pansies.
‐Check.

Tidied up the area
in and around the shack

to make it look presentable
for a fake gay party.

‐Took all goddamn day, but...
‐Check.

Constructed degen blinds,

so that we may hide out
and wait for the degens

to try and ambush
the fake gay party.

‐Fucks it cold.
‐Check.

Paid Tyson and McMurray
their wages,

so as to help us beat the shit
out of the degens.

Fuckin' degens.

BOTH: Check.

You should really try EI.

Right, then we're ready
to get this rig rollin'.

Not a moment too soon.
Here they come.

Okay, everybody
into their degen blind.

When the motion sensor
light bulb comes on,

time to jump out and beat
the shit out of the degens.

Thank Christ.

'Cause if there was even
one more chore,

I mean, even one
more chore involved

in beating the shit out
of degens from up country,

I'd be pulling the chute.

‐(PHONE VIBRATES)
‐(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Okay, gonna need
to replace the light bulb

on the motion sensor light.

ALL: No!

Oh, hot Jimmy...

My farmhand just texted me
and said he's got the scoots,

he's gotta go home.

Means I gotta go chorin' boys.

McMurray, tell him
to drop trou' in the gutter

like a real man.

Be the boss, McMurray.

Oh, I don't wanna be a dick.
What if he shits himself?

Old boss is always a dick
till you meet the new one.

‐Good.
‐Shit!

Boss needs me to come in.
It's an emergency.

Yeah, the wheels are falling
off here, good buddy.

Well, we needs
Tyson and McMurray,

there's gonna be
a baker's dozen sleds

coming around the corner,

and we are way the fucks
outnumbered.

Wanna know what?

All this work involved in
luring these degens out here,

all these fuckin' chores...

Fuckin' cold.

We bring these shirtless
nut sacs out here

to be fake gay dudes...

I'm still not sure
how I feel about that.

Yeah, there's something wrong.

I don't know what it is,
or why, but there is.

It's not quite sexist,

but it's not
quite homophobist.

It's something though.
I know it is.

It's not PCs,
that's for damn sures.

I'm just thinking,
all this work luring them out,

wouldn't the more efficient
thing be to repel them?

That's a Texas‐sized 10‐4!

I'm farting!

Appropriate!

Well, I could always stay

to just kick
the shit out of them

just 'cause they're here.

And then I have to leave
right away, right after,

to get back to chorin'.

Fuck! Same.

‐EI, boys.
‐WAYNE: Well, yeah.

Like, we're already out here.
We're already set up.

We'll beat the shit
out of them before chorin'.

Well, maybe next time
we'll just try to repels them.

Well, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah.

Well, what could
we put out here

that would make sure that
nobody ever came out here

for anything ever?

I know where to look!

(URINATING)

(PANTS ZIPPING)

It had to have been
a sick ostrich.

(MUSIC PLAYING)