All language subtitles for Letterkenny (2016) - S02E01 - A Fuss at the Ag Hall (1080p HULU WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

Attention.

An amateur MMA asshole

asks you to engage
in aggressive altercation.

Who the fuck
is the toughest guy in here?

That'd be me.

‐Bullshit.
‐Bopped you so bad in the bean

you were beyond ass‐backwards.

No blood,
albeit bloody brutal.

‐Clunk.
‐Clocked your carriage,

clipped your canopy,
caught your conscious

with a carefully
concocted combative cuffing.

‐Dink.
‐Decked you defiantly.

‐Easy.
‐Ended you efficiently.

‐Fuckin'...
‐Fucked your face up

from front to Finland
in a fairly unfair fashion

unfortunately for females.

‐Goof.
‐So you got up,

gathered your goods,
guts and gonads,

got after the goofy goon,
gave glory a good go.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

‐Have at 'er.
‐Hucked a haymaker.

‐Instantly.
‐Irked the idiot.

‐Jackass.
‐Out‐juked the jerk.

Out‐jabbed the joker.
Out‐jammed the juice head.

‐K.
‐King Kong threw a karate kick

that kinda caught you
in the kisser.

‐Loser.
‐But that legend lady luck

was lingering and you left you

with only a lovely little lump
on your lip.

‐Mint.
‐But maybe mention

you may use MMA,
Mr. Muay Thai.

‐Nincompoop.
‐Knees are unnecessary.

‐Over it.
‐Okay, onwards.

‐Please.
‐You out‐punched the prick.

Out‐played the peasant.

Pushed proper pugnacity
on the pinhead,

left him praying for peace

while Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled peppers.

‐Quickly.
‐He got queasy,

wanted to quit, folks were
quoted as quietly quipping

he looked like a quirky,
quackish queen on Quaaludes.

‐Right.
‐Roughed up the rook.

Wrecked his reality.
Ruined his rep.

‐Superb.
‐You socked the sucker.

Slammed the sally.
Secured the scuffle

by successfully
out‐scrapping the skirt.

‐Tremendous.
‐You took over the tiff.

Out‐tangoed the tosser.

Tough titties on that trade,
you twit. No truce.

‐Unreal.
‐Utterly.

‐Violent.
‐Very.

‐Wonderful.
‐Well, whatever...

‐Exceptional.
‐Exactly.

‐Yup.
‐Yup.

‐Zebra?
‐Zip it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Tell us about your date
last night, Wayne.

Hard to the fuckin' no.

Pitter‐patter.

Oh, I'd rather have
a cup‐a‐fart in the face.

What's cup‐a‐fart?

Oh, that's when you
farts into your hand

and then cup it like you're
transporting a tiny bird

and release it into the face
of an unsuspecting pal.

There could be worse things.

You're up!

Well, for starters,
I ran late chorin',

so I didn't have time
to get the truck washed

‐before I went over there.
‐So?

Well, so what if
Dad's standing there

when I come up the laneway

to pick up his daughter
with a dirty truck?

‐He'd say, "Who's this tit?"
‐Fair.

And I barely got the truck in
park before she hops in there

so I can't get
the door for her.

‐So?
‐Well, so what if

Mom's standing there
and I come up the laneway

to pick up her daughter and
I don't get the door for her?

She'd say,
"Who's this nut tugger?"

‐Fair.
‐I couldn't get my footing

after the rocky start

so nothin' to report
thereafter, fuck.

Well, you lived
to fight another day.

Well, I am lookin' for love.

Boy, howdy.

Like I've been going on dates

and will be going
on other dates.

‐Get after it.
‐Like if there was

a general theme,

like, for the next six weeks,

it would be,
"Wayne's looking for love."

(FARTING)

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Could be worse things.

‐Gentlemen.
‐How're ya now?

‐Perfect.
‐Good 'n you?

Same bat time.
Same bat channel.

Eh, shirt‐tuckers?

Now, I'd say give
your balls a tug,

but it looks like your pants
are doing that for you.

You look like you could
lose a hand in there

‐playin' pocket pool.
‐WAYNE: Here's a poem.

Star light, star bright,

why the fuck
you got earrings on?

Bet your lobes
ain't the only thing

that got a hole
punched in 'em.

See the muscle shirt
came today.

‐Muscles comin' tomorrow?
‐You get a tracking number?

Oh, I hope he got
a tracking number.

That package is gonna
be smaller than the one

you're currently sporting.

‐WAYNE: Tall order, Dary.
‐You ever had a cup‐a‐fart?

You can cup‐a‐fuck off.

Hey, Katy.

Hi, Dan.

Gentlemen.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

‐(ENGINE STARTING)
‐STEWART: Seatbelt.

That kid's a polished turd.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Heard about you
and your sweetie, buddy.

Heard she cheated on you,
buddy.

That's a real kick
in the knackers, bro.

Just a real ouchie, bro.

‐(ENGINE STARTING)
‐(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Wait, does Stewart get points
for opening Katy's door?

Johnny Cash could have
stepped out of that shit box

and I'd still say,
"Why is it not clean?"

Well, should we jump
into Dary's shit box

and go to the Ags Hall?

(DARYL GROANING)

Now, I know
McMurray's meetings

can be a bits of a chore.

Even worse when
Mrs. McMurray's there.

But the Ags Hall is as much
ours as anyone else's,

and we should be there

for the important
decisions‐making.

Squirrelly Dan, you'll be
snoring within the first five

and I'd bet
as many bucks on it.

Well, I had my coffee today
so I will takes that bet.

You don't need to shake,
I trust ya.

It's 'cause I cup‐a‐fart,
isn't it?

(SNORING)

McMURRAY: That was
a very productive

first hour and 45 minutes,
I must say.

On to item number
29 of 39.

Yep!

It's still item
number 28, baby.

Item 28 is a two‐part item.

Huh!
Thank you, darlin'.

MRS. McMURRAY:
You're welcome, baby.

McMURRAY: All right,
on to item 28, part B.

I, McMurray, motion that the
front weather mat be changed,

from a Remington charcoal,
four‐foot by eight‐foot

by three‐millimeter thick
rubber doormat,

to a raisin charcoal

three‐foot by six‐foot
by three‐millimeter thick

ribbed vinyl boot tray.

It came in a gainsboro
grey also,

‐which is a pale tone of grey.
‐That's correct.

‐It also came in puce.
‐Puce is a warm grey, tonally.

Grey tones don't clean up
as well as dark tones.

Hence, the raisin charcoal.

Better look goddamn clean

after you're done
cleanin' the cocksucker,

that's what I always say.

‐(SCOFFS)
‐McMURRAY: Mmm‐hmm.

Would a member
second my motion?

‐I second, baby.
‐(GAVEL BANGS)

‐I second so hard.
‐Thank you, baby,

I knew you'd second
the shit right out of it.

‐Dan!
‐(SNORING)

‐Daniel.
‐Mm, he's a real deep sleeper.

Oh, super deep.

Like he fell asleep at the
IMAX during Transformers 2.

Fell asleep riding the back
of a garbage truck one time.

‐Intolerable.
‐Daniel!

Do you know dogs sleep for
80% of their lives?

You wanna know what?
He might be faking it.

DARYL: He's faking it.
WAYNE: Oh, he's faking it.

DARYL: I can see
he's faking it.

Are you faking it, Dan?

Look, I can see one
of his eyes are open.

‐WAYNE: Yeah, he's faking it.
‐Daniel!

Don't touch it, it hurts.

You better cut out
all that goddamn snoring

before I stuff
a cocksuckin' work sock

down your skull cave.

Keep going, baby.
Everybody's listening.

‐Everybody loves you.
‐Thank you, darlin'.

You better listen to her,
Daniel.

Now, I'm sure you no doubt
have all noticed

that we are down
to one dozen coat hangers

in the front hall.

There are approximately twelve
dozen in the rear hall.

All standard steel wire, baby?

All standard steel wire

in a flattened
triangular shape.

I, McMurray,
motion that one dozen

be transported
to the front hall.

‐K.
‐Wayne.

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne.
Wayne. Wayne.

Wayne. Look at me, Wayne.
Wayne.

There is a tried, tested
and true system at work here.

And, as President
of the Agricultural Hall,

I must demand it be respected.

One member makes a motion.

Then another member
then seconds that motion.

Second, K.

K is not a second.

Well, it's the second time
I said "K".

So you second my motion?

You want to know what?
I'm all out of seconds, bud.

‐So it's not a second?
‐Well, this is taking

too many seconds
is what I'm saying.

Well, you only have
to second once.

All right, give me a second.

So are you saying

that you second or that
you need a second?

‐Well, one second.
‐All right.

Wayne, you shall be
given one second.

Whilst Wayne
is taking one second...

I second the fuckin' motion,
McMurray!

Now move the fuckin'
coat hangers!

Well, thank you, Wayne.

Let the secretary note
that I, McMurray,

motioned to move
one dozen coat hangers...

I'll move the fuckin'
coat hangers myself.

Can't sit around here
all fucking day

with my horn in my hands.

Got chorin' to do,
for fuck's sake.

(HANGERS CLATTERING)

Would the secretary note that
aforementioned coat hangers

have such been moved.

Thanks to a very
over‐zealous beaver.

There's order, people,
and it must be followed.

Concluded!

Item 30 of 39.

Wayne.

Jim Dickins.
How're ya now?

‐Good'n you?
‐Not so bad.

Wayne, 100%
bullshit 'round here.

(AUCTIONEERING)
Got a bidder now, one.

Lookin' at two. Two,
and now at lookin' at three.

Three hundred now,
can I get a four?

Four there now, sold.

400% bullshit 'round here.

Well, it's never so bad
it couldn't be worse.

Worse than 400%

sounds an awful lot
to me like five...

(AUCTIONEERING)
500%, now lookin' at six.

600%, lookin' at seven.

700%, can I get an eight?

Sold.

800% bullshit 'round here.

Well, meetings
run a C‐hair long

but it's important
business so...

If someone
doesn't do something

about this bullshit soon...

(AUCTIONEERING)
We'll be at nine.

900%, now lookin' at 10.

Ten over there,
now lookin' at 11.

‐Can I get a 12...
‐All right.

All right, cool it.

What would you have him do,
there, Jim?

If Wayne runs for Ag Hall
president, I'll give him...

(AUCTIONEERING) One vote
right here, looking at one,

we got one vote here,
and lookin' to get two...

Well, see, now that sounds
a bit dramatic to me, Jim.

‐No. I don't think that's
such a bad idea.

Did that not sound
a bit dramatic to you?

I'd back that.

Well, it's bloody
Shakespearean.

It'd be usurpin' the throne.

I'd back that
like a spinal cord.

It just sounds
dramatic to me.

(AUCTIONEERING)

‐Jim!
‐Tell you what, Jim...

I'll think on it.

Have a good one.

Have a good one, Jim.

One little birdie bird
flying in the sky.

We got two little birds and
we're lookin' at three.

Three little birdies,
now we're lookin' at four.

Why do birds suddenly appear
every time I auctioneer?

REILLY: Just a series
of bad bounces

for a couple of stick
and pucksters, bud.

Not getting the bounces, bro.

Cut from the
Letterkenny Shamrocks

in our overage year, bud.

No victory lap
for the Shammy's, bro.

No victory lap, ferda.

Ferda.

And no Katy.

‐Katy‐Kat stepped out.
‐Two‐timed.

‐Played around.
‐Caught a matinee.

Carried on.

(SIGHS)

You know, I should be mad,
but I'm just sort of...

BOTH: Sad.

MAN: Give your balls a tug,
you tit fucker!

Not gonna miss playing with
Shoresy, though, bud.

Always a silver lining, buddy.

You know, bud, he's right.

Game faces on,
it's our first day

of senior hockey, bud.

Well, first impression's
a lasting one, bro.

Are you ready for this, bud?

Fore‐check, back‐check,
pay check, bro.

Ding!

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What the fuck are you doing?

BARTS: What does it look like?
YORKIE: Doing legs.

BARTS: Leg day!

Where's Stormy been?
I haven't seen her all day.

‐In her pen.
‐Why?

‐She's being punished.
‐Why?

She tried to kill
her stud again.

(CHUCKLES) That's my girl.

Why?

Well, fucked if I know, Dan.

It's supposed to be natural
for animals to want to breed.

And fucked if those pups

wouldn't be as beautiful
as she is.

She was a beautiful pup.

She's a beautiful dog.

She was a gorgeous pup.

Well, she's a gorgeous dog.

But why is she in her pen?

It's 'cause aggression's
to be discouraged.

It's like Cesar Millan says,

exercise, discipline
and affection,

in that order.

I'd have a Bloody Caesar.

Do you wanna know what?
I'd have a Caesar, too.

I could have a Caesar if you
guys are havin' Caesars.

Hard to see a Caesar
and not want a Caesar.

That's actually how
they market Caesars.

You should call up Gail over
at her Bed and Biscuits.

I bet ya she's got
some studs for Stormy.

Well, better to let
the dust settle

on Modean's burn‐down
before I bug her.

We need a new bar
in this town.

But why's Stormy trying
to kill all her studs?

'Cause they're sayin'
the wrong things, likely,

just like humans.

First line better be a winner.

First impression's
a lasting one.

Like what?

Well, to be honest,

I've taken to breaking the ice

with the lyrics from
'90s pop songs.

The words are penetrating

because she's likely
heard 'em before,

but she likely won't realize
it when they're spoken

rather than sung
with musical accompaniment.

Five bucks says you cannot
successfully sell me on this.

Hey, girl, give me your heart.

Make it real
or else forget about it.

That's Rob Thomas
and Carlos Santanas.

K.

Hey, girl. I wanna stand
with you on a mountain

and I wanna bathe
with you in the sea.

Savage Gardens.

Uh‐oh.

Hey, girl,
I swear by the moon,

the stars in the sky,
I'll be there.

All‐4‐Ones.

Well, fuck a duck.

Hey, girl,
I'll make love to you

like you want me to,
then I'll hold you tight,

baby all through the night.

Are you talking to me,
you fuckin' greaser?

You don't talk to me
like that, you fuckin' pud.

‐Argh!
‐I'll beat the shit outta you.

Ah! Don't!

You're real good
at beatin' up Dary

and that's what I appreciates
about you, Katy.

Oh, is that what you
appreciate about me?

I'll stake 20 to 25% off her
over there, Squirrely Dan.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Roald, uh, I bet you have
a name for your bong.

‐ROALD: Samwise Ganja.
‐Cool.

ROALD: Formerly known
as Paul Tokenfold.

‐Awesome.
‐Formerly known as Air Bud.

Hey, maybe your next one
can be called

Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.

All right, guys, we're outty.
Peace.

‐(SARCASTICALLY) Peace.
‐(ROALD SNORTS)

Bye, guys.

DEVON: Bye, Stewart,
not Katy.

‐(ROALD SNORTS)
‐Pardon?

‐DEVON: Huh?
‐(ROALD SNORTS)

I'll be in the car.

Cool, baby.

Devon, you may elaborate
on your entanglement.

And, Roald, your exasperation.

‐(SARCASTICALLY) Cool, babe.
‐(ROALD SNORTS)

Speak!

My entanglement is that
when that came along,

that started happening.

Seriously, Stewart
what are you even wearing?

It's so gay.

‐But you're gay.
‐So what?

‐He's a homophobe now, too.
‐(SCOFFS)

‐No!
‐Yes!

I was born this way, Stewart!

We don't even know
where you are half the time.

We're going
to the Weeknd show.

It's Tuesday.

No, The Weeknd is here.

In three days, yeah.

No, I mean
The Weeknd is here today.

‐No, it isn't.
‐Yes, he is.

Who is "he"?

The Weeknd.

Wow! Slightly sexist statement

to say Saturday and Sunday
are the masculine ones.

He's a misogynist now, too!

‐No.
‐Yes!

I mean we are going
to see The Weeknd perform.

She's got you totally
brainwashed, man.

You don't even know
what day it is.

I was born this way, Stewart.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIGGERING)

‐Ahh!
‐No, no, no!

‐(YELLS)
‐(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Did you just stab me
with an EpiPen?

(GROANS)

(SHUDDERS)

‐Pain is good.
‐(WAILING)

‐Taste three mills.
‐(SCREAMS)

Oh!

Oh! What?

If any bees come in here
we are so fucked!

Don't open those
peanut M&Ms, Connor!

(SCREAMS)

(ALL WAILING)

STEWART: Epinephrine OD.

Well, uh, Jimmy Dickskin...

Dickins.

Dickskin, that's what I said.

You motioned for an
emergency meeting

and that's why we're all here.

Goddamn
Dickskin's cuttin'

into my gin and tonic time,
that's all I know.

Dickins!

‐That's what I said, Dickskin.
‐(CHUCKLES)

(MUTTERING)
All right, well, Dickskin,

you can have the floor.

MRS. McMURRAY: Dickskin.

After, of course,
we explore the several

Agricultural Hall
related issues

that I have detected
within the last 24 hours.

Pick one!

Well, as I've mentioned,
there are several

so we will begin
with one of them.

Well, don't bore us,
get to the chorus.

Wayne, you're uh,
acting fairly curt.

I'll be fuckin' Courtney

if it gets us through
this before Christmas.

I motion Wayne assume

the title of President
of the Ag Hall

effective immediately.
(AUCTIONEERING)

All those in favor,
gonna need one vote.

Do we have one vote?
Are we lookin' at one?

One over here,
now we're gonna need two.

Two down, we got two.
Lookin' at three

for Wayne for president
and we'll get it over there.

Now gonna get four,
gonna get four over here.

Now we're gonna have four over
here for Wayne for President.

Can we get five?
What've we got, five?

Five over here now!
We're getting into six.

Six over here,
feels good over here,

now we're lookin' at seven.

Seven over here now, can I
get an eight? Eight now,

‐can we get any more here?
‐(MOUTHS) You shit.

No nine, that's all right,
for my friend Wayne.

Celebrate good times.
Baby get along.

Sold!

This is a fuckin' outrage.

You're out of order!
This... It wasn't...

It wasn't motioned.

That's not the right way.

There wasn't a motion.

Well, you're about to find out
how hard this job really is.

You're in the hot seat now,
big boy.

It is fuckin' pipin' hot.

Like 1500 goddamn watts.

Well, you're gonna run 'er.

(MOUTHS) I love you.

(MOUTHS) I love you, so much.

Anything pressing?

Back to chorin'.
(BANGS GAVEL)

REILLY: Gotta break the ice
here, boys.

JONESY: We gotta get
the ball rolling, bro.

First impression's
gotta be a good one.

First impression's
a lasting one, buddy.

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

Great minds
think alike, buddy.

You boys wanna go wheel
some snipes after praccy?

Wheel snipe celly, boys.

Dirty fuckin' dangles, boys.

I'm married,
you little bitch.

Yorkie?

Happily married.
Scholtzy?

I love my wife, pussy.
Fisky?

I'd fallen in with the wrong
crowd, went down a dark path.

My wife saved me.
Boomtown?

I love my wife
like I love doing legs.

‐Okay.
‐All right. Um...

You guys wanna
grab some sandos after praccy?

Crush some appies?

I'm gluten‐free,
you little bitch.

Yorkie?

Fuck gluten. Scholtzy?

Gluten gives me
gravy pants, pussy.

Fisky?

Gluten‐free, dairy‐free,

gaseous intestinal
by‐product‐free.

Boomtown?

I love gluten‐free living
like I love my wife.

‐Okay.
‐Uh, yeah.

What... What do you guys
like to do?

Winning, you little bitch.

Yorkie?

Love winning.
Scholtzy?

Winning red ribbons, pussy.

Fisky?

Winning hardware,
winning gold. Boomtown?

I love winning like
I love gluten‐free livin'.

Okay, we really need
to pull out the big guns

on this one here, buddy.

Dig deep.
Bear down, buddy, okay?

(BOTH SNIFFING)

Have you boys
ever heard of dinker‐ball?

How about a round
of dinker‐ball, boys?

Dinker‐ball?

Okay, I got this.

Okay... You see, you grab
your dink or your ball.

You scrunch it up in your hand
and then someone has to guess

whether it's a dink or a ball.

Dink or ball?

You fuckin' serious right now?

We don't want to see
your junk, schmelt.

BARTS: Put your junk away,
schmelt.

‐Uh, schmelt?
‐What's schmelt?

So the schmelts
want to play games, Yorkie.

YORKIE: Yeah,
I think we got a game

for the schmelts, Barts.

You like games, right?

‐Sure.
‐(DOOR CLOSES)

You're out.

‐Out of what?
‐This.

‐What's this?
‐This...

Is not your crew anymore.

This is not your life anymore.

This is not the weekend.

‐It's Tuesday.
‐(POPS)

‐But this is...
‐Not your basement anymore.

This is my basement now.

And you are not welcome.

Are those loaded?

Only one way to find out.

The great playwright
Anton Chekhov

invented the principle
of Chekhov's Gun.

What is the principle
of Chekhov's Gun?

Ha!

If in the first act you say
a gun is in the room,

then in the second act,
it must absolutely go off.

In other words,
if you're gonna bring heat,

you better use it.

I'm preheated to 375,
ready to go to 425, big boy.

Blast off, Major Dongfucker.

(GROWLING)

(SNARLING AND YELPING)

(SNARLS)

(RETCHES)

(VOMITS)

(GASPING)

You schmelts ever played
Duck, Duck, Goose?

Yeah, with the four‐ to
six‐year‐old group

we had at hockey
summer camp.

What are we,
four‐ to six‐year‐olds, boys?

I guess you're
four‐ to six‐year‐olds.

(LAUGHS)

You schmelts ready?

Close your eyes.

BOTH: Duck.

BOTH: Duck.

BOTH: Duck.

BOTH: Duck.

BOTH: Duck.

BOTH: Goose!

(FARTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Schmelts are gongshows, boys.

Schmelts are gongers.

This is better
than doing legs,

you little bitch. Yorkie?

Let's do legs right now.
Scholtzy?

I love doing legs, pussy.
Fisky?

Stairs. Works calves,
quads, glutes. Boomtown?

I love doing stairs
like I love winning.

Let's do this, boys!

(ALL CHEERING)

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

How many games
in this season, buddy?

42, buddy.

(SNIFFS)

Do you have any baby wipes?

I don't, buddy.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

There's been...

An uprising.

K.

‐I'm homeless.
‐K.

‐Wayne.
‐Hard no.

If a man asks you for help,
you help him.

You're gonna work the ground
game, then, huh, Katy?

If you asked me for help...

I would help you.

Oh, look, they're comin'
land, sea and air now.

‐You can stay here.
‐Wondrous!

‐For a couple of days.
‐Favorable.

That's 48 hours, max.

Satisfactory.

(SIGHS) We'll put your shit
in the spare bedroom.

Come on.

(CAR APPROACHING)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

WAYNE: Hold it!

End of the laneway.
Don't come on the property.

‐Rematch.
‐K.

Knocked you out.
Can't believe you got back up.

You come here
to throw fists

or flap lips there,
big shooter?

You suckered him.

Still knocked him
the fuck out.

Then he got back up
and knocked you out.

‐So rubber match then.
‐We already established that.

Unless you wanna
do some more talking.

Good amount of chin‐wagging
goin' on over there.

All right, I suckered you.

So we shake hands,
clear the air,

then we square off.

Good enough.

(UPTEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

You're fuckin' 10 ply, bud.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)