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1
00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:13,200
Got a bit banged up after work
the other day...
2
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,733
Did you get that stump
out of the ground today?
3
00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:19,033
I already told you.
Dary and I are
doing it Friday.
4
00:00:19,066 --> 00:00:20,666
You never told me that.
Did too.
5
00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:22,266
You gotta tell her
more than once.
6
00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:23,733
She's a woman, not a robot.
7
00:00:23,766 --> 00:00:27,200
In all fairness, Dary,
that's a two‐way street.
8
00:00:27,233 --> 00:00:29,266
(DAN FARTS)
9
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:32,466
You know what Dad would say...
Plant the corn. Get her goin'.
10
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,133
So, how are you
gonna do it?
11
00:00:34,166 --> 00:00:37,400
Well, Questions McGarrity over
here, we chain it up and yank
it out like a loose tooth.
12
00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:39,133
(DAN FARTS)
13
00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,366
So, what are you
gonna chain it up to?
14
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,166
My van.
WAYNE: Won't do.
15
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,033
DARYL: Why?
'Cause that might be a little
too punk rock, Dary.
16
00:00:47,066 --> 00:00:48,733
What's wrong with my van?
More than a coat of paint.
17
00:00:48,766 --> 00:00:50,566
Go on.
More than
two coats of paint.
18
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,266
Get after it.
Rear end differential.
19
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:54,700
Front end differential.
Alternator. Battery.
20
00:00:54,733 --> 00:00:55,700
Doesn't matter.
She'll perform.
21
00:00:55,733 --> 00:00:58,166
Well, fucking measure twice,
cut once then, bud.
22
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,300
You said yesterday,
it could win
a demolition derby.
23
00:01:00,333 --> 00:01:03,266
No I never.
I said yesterday it was fit
for a demolition derby.
24
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:05,400
No you never.
Ain't no reason
to get excited.
25
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:06,766
It's not what you said.
You better settle down
over there
26
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,266
or I'm gonna come
talk to you...
27
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,766
You know what, there's two
things I don't like about you,
and it's your face.
28
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,600
There's one thing
you're not gonna like about
your own face.
29
00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:14,300
That's when I come over there
and give it the beats.
30
00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:17,266
You boys ever had
a peanut butter sandwich?
31
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:18,666
You're one end.
32
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,333
You're the other end.
33
00:01:20,366 --> 00:01:23,566
Stick you's together and
you're just stuck.
34
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,733
Really scraping the bottom
of the yoghurt cup for that
nugget of wisdom, aren't you?
35
00:01:26,766 --> 00:01:29,433
You appreciate
my metaphors, Katy.
36
00:01:29,466 --> 00:01:31,500
That's what I appreciate
about you.
37
00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:32,900
Is that what you appreciate
about me?
38
00:01:32,933 --> 00:01:37,066
Stake about five to 10% offer
over there squarely down.
Yeah. No. Huh?
39
00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:39,300
So any other insights for us?
40
00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,566
Uh...
(DAN FARTS AGAIN)
41
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:48,233
Heck! You wouldn't mind
a quick heads up from a fella
42
00:01:48,266 --> 00:01:50,366
who's about
to steam press his Calvins.
43
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,200
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
44
00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:02,733
And that's your lesson
for today, folks,
farts always win.
45
00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:05,766
That right there
was an air biscuit.
46
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,233
That was a real ass flapper,
if I do say so, myself.
47
00:02:08,266 --> 00:02:10,033
Some fine colon bowling.
48
00:02:10,066 --> 00:02:12,133
Some real rectal turbulence.
49
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,166
Wayne, you gonna
weigh in on this?
50
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,566
Well there's nothing
better than a fart.
51
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,066
Except kids falling off
bikes maybe. Fuck, I could
watch kids fall off bikes
52
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,366
all day.
I don't give a shit
about your kids.
53
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,066
I wish Gail could hear
that fart.
54
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,500
I've got a couple pals who'd
appreciates it too.
55
00:02:27,533 --> 00:02:31,200
Wouldn't it be kinda neat
if you could like,
catalog your farts?
56
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,166
What for?
57
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,400
Well, I feel like
if other people could hear
that crack splitter
58
00:02:39,433 --> 00:02:41,766
it could have
a positive impact
on their lives.
59
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,400
That may be the nicest thing
everybody has ever
said about me.
60
00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:49,466
You should be able to
keep track of and record
your farts.
61
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,266
And your friends' farts.
62
00:02:52,066 --> 00:02:52,766
Like Facebook?
63
00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:55,700
Exactly like a Facebook.
64
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,566
Just like...
65
00:02:59,466 --> 00:03:01,266
MEN: Fartbook.
66
00:03:04,166 --> 00:03:04,966
(DAN FARTS)
67
00:03:07,466 --> 00:03:10,133
Step one, we got to
builds us a website.
68
00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:12,133
How are we gonna
fuck that pig?
69
00:03:12,166 --> 00:03:14,066
I guess we gots
to calls up
the internets.
70
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,366
Oh, yeah? You got a phone
number for the internet, Dan?
71
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,666
Well, I'm pretty sure they
added me on Skypes
a while back,
72
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,666
I mean, I gots to check
my emails.
73
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,633
Outstanding.
Well, I have an idea,
74
00:03:23,533 --> 00:03:25,766
it's gonna chap a few asses
but,
75
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,133
there's a fella we know
right here in town who can
builds us a websites
76
00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:31,466
so we don't even have
to calls up the internets,
you know.
77
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,533
Skip that middle man.
Right, we'll skip
the middle man.
78
00:03:33,566 --> 00:03:36,033
Who is... The internet.
79
00:03:36,066 --> 00:03:37,500
Who is it, Dan?
Um, Stewart.
80
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:39,300
Hard no.
81
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,300
You gots a better idea?
82
00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,700
Better than going into
business with a meth head?
One or two.
83
00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:49,000
Now hold your good goddamn
horses here, let's put it
to a vote, those for...
84
00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:51,700
Those against...
Get real.
85
00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:54,100
Then she's bought
and paid for.
Two against one.
86
00:03:56,700 --> 00:04:00,066
So, driving Pete's family's
out of town, he had a bit
of a Texas Hold'em Tournament.
87
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:01,700
And I went over there
with my second‐cousins.
88
00:04:01,733 --> 00:04:03,733
Who, Garrett?
And Jarrett.
89
00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:06,666
Well, Pete gets all
liquored up. Long story short,
90
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:08,766
me and the cousins,
just standing there
in the kitchen
91
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,433
having a beer watching
Pete hang a piss
down his own basement stairs.
92
00:04:12,466 --> 00:04:16,100
Then he turns the cock on
himself, pisses all over
his goddamn chest.
93
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:18,533
Then he falls down his own
piss‐soaked stairs.
94
00:04:18,566 --> 00:04:20,733
What are you gonna do?
It's like, "Hey, it's your
fucking house!"
95
00:04:20,766 --> 00:04:23,200
But also, "Fuck!
It's your house."
96
00:04:23,233 --> 00:04:24,100
(STEWART CLEARS THROAT)
97
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,200
So it's Facebook...
98
00:04:28,166 --> 00:04:29,233
But for farts?
99
00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:30,066
That's right.
100
00:04:34,666 --> 00:04:38,200
Cartoonish. We're in.
101
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:41,533
But, drop the "The."
Just, Fartbook.
It's cleaner.
102
00:04:41,566 --> 00:04:43,100
There was never a "The."
103
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:43,766
And we want 30%.
104
00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,133
Of what?
105
00:04:46,166 --> 00:04:48,633
Amateurs.
Money, generated from
the site!
106
00:04:48,666 --> 00:04:50,100
We are not gonna
be making any money
off the site.
107
00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:51,666
Yes, we will.
108
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,733
Once we get enough members
playing the butt trumpet,
109
00:04:53,766 --> 00:04:55,000
we will sell ad space
and make a fortune.
110
00:04:57,133 --> 00:05:00,666
Now, let's talk about
marketing.
111
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:03,100
Who should we target to buy
ad space on Fartbook?
112
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:06,166
Indian food. Greek food.
Asian noodle soups.
What about ring tones?
113
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,300
Instead of putting
your phone on silent,
you put in on silent...
114
00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:11,200
But deadly.
You are an idiot.
115
00:05:11,233 --> 00:05:12,566
He's a...
Wait.
116
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,600
You're an idiot.
117
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:17,666
Is geo‐stamping farts
a good idea?
118
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,533
Of course it is.
Popcorn, fart location,
movie theater.
119
00:05:20,566 --> 00:05:22,000
That's information
I's wants to know!
120
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,266
No.
Why not?
121
00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,633
'Cause it's too complicated.
It's like algebra.
122
00:05:26,666 --> 00:05:28,666
Why you gotta put numbers
and letters together?
123
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,133
Why can't you just go
fuck yourself?
124
00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:33,333
The kids will fucking
love that shit.
125
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:36,100
Yeah, you know what else
kids love, keys.
(KEYS JINGLING)
126
00:05:36,133 --> 00:05:39,100
Dangling in front
of their faces.
They fucking love it.
127
00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:40,133
Fine.
128
00:05:40,733 --> 00:05:42,733
No ads then.
129
00:05:42,766 --> 00:05:44,566
Shake on 30%.
130
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,566
Anything down the road
will be negotiated
in good faith.
131
00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,266
Beggars can't
be choosers.
132
00:05:58,300 --> 00:06:00,566
(GRUNTING)
Meritorious!
133
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,100
Give us...24 hours.
134
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:07,033
Eduardo.
We're ranking farts.
135
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,566
I need the algorithm.
I need the algorithm.
136
00:06:17,166 --> 00:06:19,533
How are you now?
Hey.
137
00:06:19,566 --> 00:06:21,500
Not too bad.
Good, and you?
Huh?
138
00:06:25,566 --> 00:06:26,566
Oh.
139
00:06:36,666 --> 00:06:37,533
Gentlemen.
140
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:39,400
Fartbook.
141
00:06:48,066 --> 00:06:49,666
DARYL: I don't...
142
00:06:50,633 --> 00:06:52,066
I... I just...
143
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,466
What's wrong with you?
144
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:56,533
Seeing it all come together...
Sort yourself out.
145
00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:59,633
Here's what we've done.
I am, at this point,
146
00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:01,766
the only member
of Fartbook.
147
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,400
Each member will be able to
upload three farts.
148
00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:07,700
Each member will post
a picture to their farts.
149
00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:11,700
Members will then be allowed
to friend request each other
and accumulate audiences for
150
00:07:11,733 --> 00:07:13,700
their farts.
151
00:07:15,366 --> 00:07:17,400
For example...
(IMITATING DRUM ROLL)
152
00:07:19,766 --> 00:07:21,066
My profile.
153
00:07:24,066 --> 00:07:25,666
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
154
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,766
WAYNE: Wanna know, that's...
155
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,433
That's mint.
156
00:07:41,466 --> 00:07:44,333
Like the...
Little bull snort there
in the middle there, Stewart.
157
00:07:44,366 --> 00:07:46,500
I really like the placement
of the fizzler at the end.
158
00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,400
Thank you.
159
00:07:48,433 --> 00:07:51,166
Now, shall we sign
one of you up?
Oh!
160
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,466
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me. Me. Me...
161
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,533
Daryl.
Oh, fuck. Shit. Cunt. Fuck...
162
00:07:57,566 --> 00:08:00,700
Wait a sec. Can I go eat a can
of Chef Boyardee?
Oh! No times.
163
00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:03,233
I can farts on command.
164
00:08:03,266 --> 00:08:04,266
(CHUCKLING)
(GRUNTING)
165
00:08:05,533 --> 00:08:06,666
Okay?
Mmm‐mmm.
166
00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:09,166
DAN: Ready.
167
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,666
Ahem, I recommend recording
through a professional
studio mic
168
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:16,200
but the internal
computer mic
will work for now.
169
00:08:17,233 --> 00:08:19,266
Okay, Dan.
170
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,300
STEWART: Ready?
171
00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,200
Go.
172
00:08:26,233 --> 00:08:27,566
(DAN FARTING)
173
00:08:30,766 --> 00:08:32,433
Oh, very nice.
174
00:08:32,466 --> 00:08:34,066
Boy howdy.
175
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,066
Onto the second one.
176
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:37,633
STEWART: Go.
177
00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:39,333
(DAN FARTING)
178
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,366
That was a winner.
DARYL: Really nice work, Dan.
179
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,233
Really nice work, Dan.
Fuck, is this awkward.
180
00:08:46,566 --> 00:08:47,766
Onto number three.
181
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,066
(GRUNTS)
182
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,666
(SHORT FART)
183
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:54,200
No, no, no.
I can do better.
I wants to go again.
184
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,400
No, I think you should
keep it.
185
00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:58,500
DARYL: No one likes a fart
that sounds too staged.
186
00:08:58,533 --> 00:09:01,133
Do you wanna know what?
He's right.
187
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:04,600
Like that person who just
happens to have burst out
laughing in every group photo
188
00:09:04,633 --> 00:09:05,733
they're in?
189
00:09:05,766 --> 00:09:08,466
Like the camera just happened
to catch that magic moment
190
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:11,300
in every single one.
That like, "Say cheese."
191
00:09:20,733 --> 00:09:22,033
You're not fooling me, bud.
192
00:09:23,166 --> 00:09:25,333
Nope.
193
00:09:25,366 --> 00:09:27,033
If you think, if you think
it's a good idea...
194
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,733
It's a good spread there.
Like...
195
00:09:28,766 --> 00:09:29,566
It's a good spread.
196
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:32,600
STEWART: I suggest we, um,
197
00:09:32,633 --> 00:09:34,566
send it out
to a test audience,
before it goes live.
198
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:35,666
Um...
199
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,700
Get some feedback.
Iron out the bugs.
200
00:09:37,733 --> 00:09:39,100
Suggestions?
201
00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:40,366
Gail. Duh...
202
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:42,333
What about the Ginger?
203
00:09:42,366 --> 00:09:44,633
Mmm...
What about Boots?
204
00:09:44,666 --> 00:09:47,366
Oh, mmm, the Ginger...
205
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,433
You guys...
206
00:09:49,466 --> 00:09:50,600
Ever heard anything about
that guy fucking an ostrich?
207
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,600
I heard it was Boots who
fucked the ostrich.
No.
208
00:09:55,633 --> 00:09:56,766
The Ginger
fucked an ostrich.
209
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,266
Allegedly.
Let's see...
210
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:01,433
It'd take more than one guy
to fuck an ostrich.
211
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,733
You think they were
both there?
212
00:10:04,766 --> 00:10:07,500
Like, Boots held down
the ostrich?
WAYNE: I suppose...
213
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:12,033
If you really wanted to get
to the bottom of it...
214
00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:14,233
We could find someone,
215
00:10:14,266 --> 00:10:16,400
someone who farms ostriches.
216
00:10:17,333 --> 00:10:18,333
Who might know
217
00:10:20,533 --> 00:10:21,566
how they get fucked.
218
00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:28,533
I don't think we need
to invite them, though.
219
00:10:28,566 --> 00:10:30,366
We should get the hockey
players in on this.
220
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,500
Those d‐gens would lap
this right up.
221
00:10:32,533 --> 00:10:34,700
Maybe get Glen.
Get the Christians on board.
222
00:10:34,733 --> 00:10:38,733
Agreed. And we should also get
Katy into the fracas.
I'll talk to her.
223
00:10:38,766 --> 00:10:41,333
The fuck you will.
Wondrous.
224
00:10:41,366 --> 00:10:43,266
You talk to her, then.
225
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,300
We reconvene back here
in 24 hours.
226
00:10:47,633 --> 00:10:49,033
(FARTING SOUNDS)
227
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:53,133
Yeah...
(GROANING)
228
00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:54,533
(FARTS)
229
00:10:55,533 --> 00:10:56,633
(FARTS)
230
00:10:56,666 --> 00:10:58,233
(FARTING CONTINUES)
231
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,400
Oh, yes.
(FARTING)
232
00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:03,366
Go.
233
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:05,800
(FARTING)
234
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,666
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
235
00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:11,700
(CAT FARTING)
236
00:11:14,066 --> 00:11:16,033
Hey, has Katy liked
any of your farts on Fartbook?
237
00:11:16,566 --> 00:11:17,666
No, you?
238
00:11:18,533 --> 00:11:20,000
Huh.
No. Huh.
239
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:23,300
(BOTH PANTING)
240
00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:27,766
We got a problem.
241
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,233
We need to talk to Gail.
242
00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:32,566
(GRUNTING) Gail.
243
00:11:35,666 --> 00:11:37,633
How are you now?
244
00:11:37,666 --> 00:11:41,166
Good and you?
Not so bad.
245
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,333
Gail, we've summoned
you here today to talk
about your Fartbook profile.
246
00:11:45,366 --> 00:11:47,166
Okay.
Let's listen.
247
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,000
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
248
00:12:00,266 --> 00:12:02,500
Everything about that
so right.
Wrong.
249
00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:05,600
You've attached messages
to each of your farts.
250
00:12:05,633 --> 00:12:08,133
For example,
251
00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:11,466
send this fart to ten people
or you will have bad sex
for the rest of your life.
252
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,133
But see, I had just got that
message from someone else.
253
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:17,600
So it's like, if I didn't
send it, then I'd be stuck
having bad shaboink forever.
254
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:22,100
And I enjoy a horizontal
refreshment for my
vertical smile
255
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:24,300
too goddamn much
to take that risk.
256
00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:26,533
It's called spamming, Gail.
257
00:12:26,566 --> 00:12:30,266
Never heard it called that.
Heard it called spunking
one or two times...
258
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,600
No. Sending annoying messages
to people
259
00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:35,133
who have not requested it
is called spamming.
260
00:12:35,166 --> 00:12:36,400
Okay.
261
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:38,366
And it's annoying.
262
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,500
No. No. No.
Yes. Yes.
263
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,500
If you continue
to misuse Fartbook,
264
00:12:44,533 --> 00:12:45,733
we'll have
to suspend
your membership.
265
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,700
Suspend my membership?
266
00:12:47,733 --> 00:12:50,300
Why don't you suspend
my fist in your ass,
you little fuck.
267
00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:52,533
If you ever threaten me
like that again,
I'll spread your cheeks
268
00:12:52,566 --> 00:12:55,500
and I'll feed you
a Kentucky Klondike Bar,
you little twat.
269
00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:58,433
I'll drop an Alabama Hot
Pocket in your
deuce maker, Charlie.
270
00:13:02,066 --> 00:13:04,600
I'll fuckin' land shark your
shit house so fast
271
00:13:04,633 --> 00:13:07,233
you'll be crying
for your mother,
you fucking asshole.
272
00:13:07,266 --> 00:13:09,033
GAIL: Fuck you, Stewart.
273
00:13:09,066 --> 00:13:12,466
You drop deuces in every
orifice of your body,
you fuckhead!
274
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,166
Tear you into a Pop‐Tart!
275
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,000
GAIL: And then I will...
276
00:13:17,066 --> 00:13:18,233
We've got another problem.
277
00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:20,633
STEWART: Where's Katy?
278
00:13:23,366 --> 00:13:25,200
What?
STEWART: Katy.
279
00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:28,000
We've summoned you here today
to talk about your
Fartbook profile.
280
00:13:29,233 --> 00:13:31,033
Super.
Let's listen.
281
00:13:34,733 --> 00:13:35,533
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
282
00:13:45,766 --> 00:13:48,633
Problem?
Those are cat farts.
283
00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:51,766
Right.
You've got a picture of your
cat under each of your farts.
284
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,100
It's not my cat.
It's just a barn cat.
285
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,733
I seen a coon having sex
with a barn cat on top
of my truck one time, fuck.
286
00:13:57,766 --> 00:14:00,166
What's the nature of
that, David Suzuki?
287
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:04,633
No one cares
about your
cat's farts.
288
00:14:04,666 --> 00:14:05,833
But look how cute they are.
289
00:14:05,866 --> 00:14:09,712
Not to be impolite,
but you're the only one
who thinks so.
290
00:14:09,746 --> 00:14:12,746
Everybody whose
got a cat or a kid,
291
00:14:12,779 --> 00:14:16,346
is going to think their cat's
or kid's farts are
super special and unique.
292
00:14:16,379 --> 00:14:19,779
They're not.
They are just a cat
or a kid fart.
293
00:14:19,812 --> 00:14:24,179
In addition, you've been
updating new farts
from your cat almost hourly.
294
00:14:24,212 --> 00:14:27,212
Oh, that's because there's
so many cute farts.
Like I can't even keep up.
295
00:14:27,246 --> 00:14:29,246
(HIP‐HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
296
00:14:34,012 --> 00:14:36,212
JONESY: Katy! What
is this fucking gong show?
297
00:14:36,246 --> 00:14:38,346
We're supposed to be napping
right now, boys.
298
00:14:38,379 --> 00:14:40,212
What?
We are at home.
299
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:44,146
In the middle of
a 'Chel tournament
with big dingers in...
300
00:14:44,179 --> 00:14:47,912
When we see you've been liking
all this duster's farts
on Fartbook.
301
00:14:47,946 --> 00:14:49,379
And none of this
beauty's farts.
302
00:14:49,412 --> 00:14:52,912
And not one
of this grain fed,
303
00:14:52,946 --> 00:14:58,279
USDA certified,
100% non‐animal
tested, organic beauty.
304
00:14:58,312 --> 00:14:59,412
Not one.
You're welcome.
Thanks, buddy.
305
00:15:00,046 --> 00:15:01,412
So?
306
00:15:01,446 --> 00:15:03,679
So he's gonna think
you wanna fucking wheel him.
307
00:15:03,712 --> 00:15:05,746
He's gonna think that
you wanna turn on the jets.
308
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:06,846
Because I like
his farts?
309
00:15:06,879 --> 00:15:07,912
Yes.
310
00:15:07,946 --> 00:15:11,412
I'm just pushing a button.
It doesn't mean anything.
311
00:15:11,446 --> 00:15:14,246
What the fuck
are you looking at,
you fuckin' pilon?
312
00:15:15,412 --> 00:15:16,812
Fucking vampire...
Pipe down, idiots.
313
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:18,312
Get in the house.
314
00:15:18,946 --> 00:15:21,079
Now.
315
00:15:21,112 --> 00:15:24,146
(GROWLS)
I'm gonna get you,
you fuckin' pheasant!
316
00:15:24,179 --> 00:15:25,879
We're comin' phezzy!
317
00:15:25,912 --> 00:15:26,946
(CHUCKLES)
Guys.
318
00:15:28,912 --> 00:15:31,012
Boy, you're havin'
quite a day, Super‐chief.
319
00:15:31,046 --> 00:15:32,412
(SIGHS)
320
00:15:32,446 --> 00:15:33,812
We've got
another problem.
321
00:15:35,079 --> 00:15:37,146
Where's Glen?
322
00:15:37,179 --> 00:15:42,146
Daryl, Rage Monkeys.
Daniel. Wayne.
323
00:15:42,179 --> 00:15:44,812
We've summoned you
here today to talk to you
about your Fartbook profile.
324
00:15:45,046 --> 00:15:47,046
Allons‐y.
325
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,446
You have no photos
and no farts
326
00:15:49,479 --> 00:15:52,046
but are friends
with everyone along
for the test drive.
327
00:15:52,079 --> 00:15:54,346
Hmm. I'm not friends
with everyone.
328
00:15:54,379 --> 00:15:58,046
I'm not friends
with Wayne yet.
But I wanna be.
329
00:15:58,079 --> 00:16:01,846
It seems as though
you were just cruising
through Fartbook
330
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:05,712
liking and commenting
on everyone's farts but
contributing nothing yourself.
331
00:16:05,746 --> 00:16:07,279
(WHISPERS) Nothing.
332
00:16:08,279 --> 00:16:10,279
I am as God made me.
333
00:16:10,312 --> 00:16:13,812
Blessed with a very healthy
gastro‐intestinal system.
334
00:16:13,846 --> 00:16:15,179
Not super farty.
335
00:16:15,212 --> 00:16:17,346
What you're doing
is called creeping.
336
00:16:17,379 --> 00:16:19,212
Not what Fartbook
is all about.
337
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,979
I genuinely enjoy farts.
338
00:16:21,012 --> 00:16:23,812
You can't just go around
creeping other people's farts.
339
00:16:23,846 --> 00:16:26,779
What the truck
is wrong with that?
340
00:16:26,812 --> 00:16:29,679
If you continue
to misuse Fartbook,
341
00:16:29,712 --> 00:16:31,679
we'll have to suspend
your membership.
342
00:16:32,012 --> 00:16:33,946
Fine. Fine.
343
00:16:34,446 --> 00:16:35,812
Fluff you then.
344
00:16:35,846 --> 00:16:37,146
I have millions...
345
00:16:37,179 --> 00:16:40,846
(CHUCKLES) And I mean,
millions of ways
of hearing unlimited farts.
346
00:16:41,279 --> 00:16:42,379
We're done here, Glen.
347
00:16:43,146 --> 00:16:44,246
Are we though?
348
00:16:50,979 --> 00:16:51,812
Are we?
349
00:16:59,712 --> 00:17:02,379
I think we should
pump the brakes on Fartbook.
350
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:05,712
That's a Texas‐size 10‐4.
Why?
351
00:17:05,746 --> 00:17:07,446
It's kicking up
too much dust.
352
00:17:07,479 --> 00:17:10,746
We haven't even gotten into it
and already folks
are gettin' chapped asses.
353
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,012
Well, that's their problem.
Not ours.
354
00:17:13,246 --> 00:17:15,246
This is our problem.
355
00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:18,846
We started Fartbook so that
good folks could share farts
with other good folks.
356
00:17:18,879 --> 00:17:20,079
That's it.
357
00:17:20,112 --> 00:17:23,212
Not to creepin' farts,
or spam farts...
358
00:17:23,246 --> 00:17:25,446
Although, if you eat spam,
you'll get good farts.
359
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:28,346
Farts should never come
between the love of a man
and a woman.
360
00:17:28,379 --> 00:17:31,812
It's not right.
You don't get
to 500 million farts
361
00:17:31,846 --> 00:17:33,312
without making a few sharts.
362
00:17:33,946 --> 00:17:35,212
Exactly.
363
00:17:36,046 --> 00:17:37,746
So, what are you saying?
364
00:17:41,012 --> 00:17:42,346
Fartbook dies today.
365
00:17:42,379 --> 00:17:45,079
Today, Fartbook is dead.
366
00:17:46,479 --> 00:17:48,212
Oh. You think so?
367
00:17:48,246 --> 00:17:50,046
I'm with the fellas
on this one.
368
00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:51,712
It's not why
we invented it.
(SCOFFS)
369
00:17:53,312 --> 00:17:54,812
You invented it?
Our idea.
370
00:17:55,446 --> 00:17:56,712
We built the site.
371
00:18:01,179 --> 00:18:04,346
You know, you really
don't need a forensics team
to get to the bottom of this.
372
00:18:04,379 --> 00:18:07,879
If you were
the inventors of Fartbook,
you'd have invented Fartbook.
373
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:10,246
Hold your horses there.
Let's put this to a vote.
374
00:18:11,912 --> 00:18:14,879
Those for closing down
Fartbook, raise your hands.
375
00:18:17,412 --> 00:18:18,912
Those against?
376
00:18:20,779 --> 00:18:23,779
But we own 30 percent.
377
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,812
This isn't fair!
(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
378
00:18:27,812 --> 00:18:30,246
If you want
to sit on our backs
and call yourselves tall,
379
00:18:30,279 --> 00:18:32,446
you have every right to do so.
380
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,412
But don't think that
we're gonna sit here and
enjoy listening to you lie.
381
00:18:35,446 --> 00:18:37,279
You have a bit
of our attention,
382
00:18:37,312 --> 00:18:39,246
you have the smallest bit
of our attention.
383
00:18:39,279 --> 00:18:40,912
When did we ask
for your attention?
384
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:42,979
The rest of our attention
is back at the offices
of Fartbook,
385
00:18:43,012 --> 00:18:45,312
where my friends
and I are doing things
that no one on this farm,
386
00:18:45,346 --> 00:18:47,012
especially and including
you idiots,
387
00:18:47,046 --> 00:18:49,779
are intellectually,
creatively, artistically,
388
00:18:49,812 --> 00:18:52,246
emotionally, or spiritually
capable of doing.
389
00:18:52,279 --> 00:18:53,946
Have I adequately answered
your condescending question?
390
00:18:53,979 --> 00:18:54,912
What question?
391
00:18:54,946 --> 00:18:57,112
(SCREAMS) Farts!
392
00:18:57,146 --> 00:18:59,712
You better lawyer up, asshole,
393
00:18:59,746 --> 00:19:01,779
because I'm not
coming back
for 30 percent,
394
00:19:01,812 --> 00:19:04,412
I'm coming back
for everything.
395
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,746
I...
396
00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:10,779
I don't know
what happened just now.
397
00:19:11,946 --> 00:19:13,946
(WHIMPERING)
398
00:19:18,846 --> 00:19:20,646
(WHISPERING)
No... No...
399
00:19:27,312 --> 00:19:29,312
DAN: You know, I've been
thinking about Fartbook...
400
00:19:29,346 --> 00:19:31,679
What about it, bigshits?
401
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,212
DAN: I think maybe
we pulled the cord too quick
on that, you parachute.
402
00:19:35,312 --> 00:19:37,012
I miss it too,
three‐point shoes.
403
00:19:38,146 --> 00:19:39,812
I was on there a lot.
404
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,912
Too much, likely.
405
00:19:41,946 --> 00:19:43,379
I was always checking it.
406
00:19:43,412 --> 00:19:45,146
It was very addicting.
407
00:19:45,179 --> 00:19:49,012
Except, did you ever really
stop to think about one thing,
did you?
408
00:19:49,046 --> 00:19:51,279
Rippin' farts
into your computer
doesn't exactly
409
00:19:51,312 --> 00:19:53,179
spike the likelihood
of having sex with girls.
410
00:19:53,912 --> 00:19:54,946
STEWART: Hey!
411
00:19:56,146 --> 00:19:58,146
(BOTH PANTING)
412
00:20:00,279 --> 00:20:02,079
Hey! Hey!
413
00:20:02,112 --> 00:20:05,146
Not now. Need 20 minutes.
STEWART: Okay.
414
00:20:05,179 --> 00:20:07,012
Just wanted to let you know
that Glen stole our website.
415
00:20:08,112 --> 00:20:09,779
It's been live
for more than 36 hours.
416
00:20:10,479 --> 00:20:12,146
Hey! Hey! Fuck it!
417
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,779
WAYNE: (EXCLAIMS)
Oh! Fuck's sake.
Jesus!
418
00:20:18,879 --> 00:20:20,712
(GROANS)
Fucking sort
yourselves out.
419
00:20:42,912 --> 00:20:45,179
GLEN: Cheese and rice.
420
00:20:45,212 --> 00:20:49,079
I can't remember the last time
five men came in this church
so aggressively.
421
00:20:49,879 --> 00:20:51,346
Or can I?
422
00:20:51,379 --> 00:20:53,412
You stole our idea.
Hmm...
423
00:20:53,446 --> 00:20:55,979
Are you referring
to Christian Fart Mingle?
424
00:20:56,012 --> 00:20:57,246
What's that?
425
00:20:57,279 --> 00:20:59,679
It's like Christian Mingle,
but for farts.
426
00:20:59,712 --> 00:21:01,012
DARYL: We asked your help
with our idea
427
00:21:01,046 --> 00:21:02,979
and you went behind our backs
and stole'd it.
428
00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:05,446
(STUTTERING)
I didn't... Excuse...
Oh, my God.
429
00:21:05,479 --> 00:21:10,279
Those are some hairy
allegations you are firing,
at my face.
430
00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:13,746
All your allegations...
All of them, completely
fricken' false. Baseless.
431
00:21:14,112 --> 00:21:15,779
How?
432
00:21:15,812 --> 00:21:17,979
Stewart, I did not
steal anything.
433
00:21:18,012 --> 00:21:19,379
Because the last time
I checked,
434
00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:22,679
taking advantage
of a growing trend
was not stealing.
435
00:21:22,712 --> 00:21:24,846
What trend?
I'll tell you.
436
00:21:24,879 --> 00:21:26,146
But first, let's sing a hymn.
No.
437
00:21:26,179 --> 00:21:28,046
No.
Fine.
438
00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:30,712
Look, y'all had
a good idea, all right?
439
00:21:30,746 --> 00:21:32,812
You had a terrific idea.
Congratulations.
440
00:21:32,846 --> 00:21:36,841
But did you actually think
you were the only ones
in the world to have it?
441
00:21:38,007 --> 00:21:40,907
What are you talking about?
442
00:21:40,941 --> 00:21:44,041
I'm talking about
Fart culture, Stewart.
It's all the rage.
443
00:21:44,074 --> 00:21:45,674
It's everywhere.
444
00:21:46,641 --> 00:21:48,641
You know...
Nothing...
445
00:21:49,507 --> 00:21:50,441
Glen will show you.
446
00:21:51,674 --> 00:21:52,641
Ever heard of Plenty of Farts?
447
00:21:54,541 --> 00:21:56,374
I've heard of Plenty of Fish.
448
00:21:56,407 --> 00:21:59,474
It's very much like that,
except for farts.
449
00:21:59,507 --> 00:22:00,907
Here. Here's the one
I like the best.
450
00:22:01,841 --> 00:22:03,474
It's called Fart Filter.
451
00:22:03,507 --> 00:22:06,574
And I like it because you can
put different filters on all
of your farts and it's fun.
452
00:22:06,607 --> 00:22:07,907
So, yeah, I'll just
show you how it works.
453
00:22:07,941 --> 00:22:10,007
This one, no filter. Nothing.
454
00:22:10,041 --> 00:22:11,974
(FART RECORDING PLAYING)
455
00:22:14,474 --> 00:22:16,807
Who cares? Not Glen, right?
456
00:22:16,841 --> 00:22:20,741
Vanilla. Pedestrian...
I'm not interested.
457
00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:24,007
However, shove that baby
through the Hudson filter...
458
00:22:24,041 --> 00:22:26,007
What's she gonna sound like?
459
00:22:26,041 --> 00:22:27,874
(FART SCALING UPWARD)
460
00:22:29,607 --> 00:22:31,707
Now there's a renovation.
461
00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:34,441
Now suck on
your Sutro filter...
462
00:22:34,474 --> 00:22:36,074
(DISTORTED FART RECORDING)
463
00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,907
(EXCLAIMS)
464
00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:42,041
Now boys, because
I'm feeling generous,
465
00:22:42,074 --> 00:22:45,007
and we're in the Lord's house,
I'm gonna play you
466
00:22:45,041 --> 00:22:48,341
the filter that
I invented myself.
I call it...
467
00:22:49,507 --> 00:22:50,907
Valencia.
468
00:22:52,707 --> 00:22:54,707
(FART RECORDING PLAYING)
469
00:23:00,941 --> 00:23:02,674
Wow.
470
00:23:02,707 --> 00:23:05,074
There is a whole site
devoted to gluten‐free farts.
471
00:23:05,107 --> 00:23:07,841
The point is,
it's out there, boys.
472
00:23:07,874 --> 00:23:10,507
It's happened.
The idea lives in the world.
473
00:23:10,541 --> 00:23:12,841
Y'all are too slow.
Slow on the uptake.
474
00:23:12,874 --> 00:23:15,141
Sad story. Boo‐hoo. Toot‐toot!
475
00:23:15,174 --> 00:23:16,641
Go away.
(HOARSELY) Let's go.
476
00:23:17,807 --> 00:23:19,607
GLEN: Sad face, sad face,
angry face.
477
00:23:22,441 --> 00:23:24,474
(FART RECORDING PLAYING)
478
00:23:28,807 --> 00:23:30,774
Better slow down there,
Big‐shoots.
479
00:23:30,807 --> 00:23:32,041
Tomorrow's gonna be
a great day for hay.
480
00:23:32,074 --> 00:23:35,807
If you can be a man at night,
you can be a man
in the morning.
481
00:23:35,841 --> 00:23:37,441
Wayne, how come you
didn't join Fartbook?
482
00:23:37,474 --> 00:23:40,641
'Cause you're not supposed
to fart in front of girls.
What?
483
00:23:40,674 --> 00:23:43,941
There's certain things that
should stay sacred between
a man and a woman.
484
00:23:43,974 --> 00:23:46,974
So, all things considered,
this whole thing's
pretty fucking juvenile,
485
00:23:47,007 --> 00:23:48,974
if I do say so myself.
486
00:23:49,007 --> 00:23:51,107
If she's always listening
to your ass acoustics,
487
00:23:51,141 --> 00:23:52,574
or even worse,
smellin' 'em,
488
00:23:52,607 --> 00:23:56,041
I guarantee she'll be slower
and slower to crawl into bed
with you at night.
489
00:23:56,074 --> 00:23:58,541
What you just said
is outrageous.
490
00:23:58,574 --> 00:24:00,141
No it isn't. It's true.
491
00:24:00,174 --> 00:24:02,974
I don't wanna be smelling
a dude's ass all the time.
Get real.
492
00:24:03,007 --> 00:24:05,141
What are you?
Some kind of fart purist?
493
00:24:05,174 --> 00:24:07,407
So what are you
supposed to do?
Just hold it in?
494
00:24:07,441 --> 00:24:09,374
Or take a shit,
you fuckin' degenerate.
495
00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:10,774
Speaking of shit,
496
00:24:10,807 --> 00:24:12,774
my second cousin's got IBS.
497
00:24:12,807 --> 00:24:14,774
Who, Garrett?
No, Jarett.
498
00:24:14,807 --> 00:24:18,907
DAN: No.
IBS, the International
Business Solution?
499
00:24:18,941 --> 00:24:21,941
IBS stands for
Irritable Bowel Syndromes.
500
00:24:21,974 --> 00:24:25,741
Anyhoo, when he was a kid,
Jackass comes out on the air,
501
00:24:25,774 --> 00:24:28,441
so it becomes real popular
in his high school,
502
00:24:28,474 --> 00:24:31,674
for kids to start taking shits
in places what weren't meant
for taking shits in.
503
00:24:31,707 --> 00:24:33,074
They calls that
guerrilla shittin'.
504
00:24:33,107 --> 00:24:34,741
Is this a true story?
505
00:24:34,774 --> 00:24:36,874
So, he became real popular
with his friends,
506
00:24:36,907 --> 00:24:40,474
with his ability to take
a shits any time he needed to.
507
00:24:40,507 --> 00:24:42,407
They'd call him up
when they get an idea
508
00:24:42,441 --> 00:24:44,374
of a place that needed
a shits taken in,
509
00:24:44,407 --> 00:24:46,874
and be like,
"Hey, why don't you comes
over here and takes a shits?"
510
00:24:46,907 --> 00:24:49,707
Anyhow, this one time
his pal texts him up,
511
00:24:49,741 --> 00:24:52,807
and he says, "Hey,
why don't you come take a
shits in the girls' bathroom?"
512
00:24:52,841 --> 00:24:55,007
So, he drinks a coffee,
eats a bran muffin,
513
00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:56,841
heads on down
to the washroom there,
514
00:24:56,874 --> 00:24:58,874
but when he opens
the bathroom door,
what does he find?
515
00:24:58,907 --> 00:25:00,941
But this pretty young girl
just dropping a shits,
516
00:25:00,974 --> 00:25:02,841
right there
in the middle
of the bathroom floor.
517
00:25:02,874 --> 00:25:04,741
And that's how he met
his lovely Eunice.
518
00:25:04,774 --> 00:25:07,374
And they fells in love,
and they've been together
ever since.
519
00:25:07,407 --> 00:25:09,907
They raised
three little shits. So...
520
00:25:09,941 --> 00:25:12,674
With all due respect,
Miss Katy,
521
00:25:12,707 --> 00:25:17,074
there is a market
for gentlemens what can find
ladies who like, uh, farts,
522
00:25:17,107 --> 00:25:19,507
or shits,
or even guerrilla shittin's.
523
00:25:19,541 --> 00:25:21,974
That is not a true story.
524
00:25:22,007 --> 00:25:23,741
That is a true story.
525
00:25:23,774 --> 00:25:25,907
God help us all.
526
00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:29,674
You know what, I don't know
why you guys need everybody
knowing your business anyway.
527
00:25:29,707 --> 00:25:32,541
Like why you gotta put
everything on the internet,
while you're doing it,
528
00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:33,907
or after you're done doing it?
529
00:25:33,941 --> 00:25:35,674
Well, if you don't puts it
on the internet,
530
00:25:35,707 --> 00:25:37,374
how's gonna people know
what you did?
531
00:25:37,407 --> 00:25:39,141
Do you wanna know what?
That's your problem
right there.
532
00:25:39,174 --> 00:25:41,741
Should be playing your cards
close to your chest.
533
00:25:41,774 --> 00:25:44,041
Keep the ladies
guessin' a little bit.
Be the mystery man.
534
00:25:44,074 --> 00:25:45,607
Right again.
535
00:25:45,641 --> 00:25:47,907
Oh, if a woman's not gonna
love me for my farts
536
00:25:47,941 --> 00:25:50,674
or for me posting
my bowling scores
on the internet...
537
00:25:51,874 --> 00:25:53,541
Not really sure
I want one.
538
00:25:53,574 --> 00:25:55,841
Well, then it's a good thing
you's two have each other.
539
00:25:59,141 --> 00:26:01,341
(DAN FARTS)
540
00:26:02,941 --> 00:26:04,774
(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)41848
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