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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:13,200 Got a bit banged up after work the other day... 2 00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,733 Did you get that stump out of the ground today? 3 00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:19,033 I already told you. Dary and I are doing it Friday. 4 00:00:19,066 --> 00:00:20,666 You never told me that. Did too. 5 00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:22,266 You gotta tell her more than once. 6 00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:23,733 She's a woman, not a robot. 7 00:00:23,766 --> 00:00:27,200 In all fairness, Dary, that's a two‐way street. 8 00:00:27,233 --> 00:00:29,266 (DAN FARTS) 9 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:32,466 You know what Dad would say... Plant the corn. Get her goin'. 10 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,133 So, how are you gonna do it? 11 00:00:34,166 --> 00:00:37,400 Well, Questions McGarrity over here, we chain it up and yank it out like a loose tooth. 12 00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:39,133 (DAN FARTS) 13 00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,366 So, what are you gonna chain it up to? 14 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,166 My van. WAYNE: Won't do. 15 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,033 DARYL: Why? 'Cause that might be a little too punk rock, Dary. 16 00:00:47,066 --> 00:00:48,733 What's wrong with my van? More than a coat of paint. 17 00:00:48,766 --> 00:00:50,566 Go on. More than two coats of paint. 18 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,266 Get after it. Rear end differential. 19 00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:54,700 Front end differential. Alternator. Battery. 20 00:00:54,733 --> 00:00:55,700 Doesn't matter. She'll perform. 21 00:00:55,733 --> 00:00:58,166 Well, fucking measure twice, cut once then, bud. 22 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,300 You said yesterday, it could win a demolition derby. 23 00:01:00,333 --> 00:01:03,266 No I never. I said yesterday it was fit for a demolition derby. 24 00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:05,400 No you never. Ain't no reason to get excited. 25 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:06,766 It's not what you said. You better settle down over there 26 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,266 or I'm gonna come talk to you... 27 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,766 You know what, there's two things I don't like about you, and it's your face. 28 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,600 There's one thing you're not gonna like about your own face. 29 00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:14,300 That's when I come over there and give it the beats. 30 00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:17,266 You boys ever had a peanut butter sandwich? 31 00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:18,666 You're one end. 32 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,333 You're the other end. 33 00:01:20,366 --> 00:01:23,566 Stick you's together and you're just stuck. 34 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,733 Really scraping the bottom of the yoghurt cup for that nugget of wisdom, aren't you? 35 00:01:26,766 --> 00:01:29,433 You appreciate my metaphors, Katy. 36 00:01:29,466 --> 00:01:31,500 That's what I appreciate about you. 37 00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:32,900 Is that what you appreciate about me? 38 00:01:32,933 --> 00:01:37,066 Stake about five to 10% offer over there squarely down. Yeah. No. Huh? 39 00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:39,300 So any other insights for us? 40 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,566 Uh... (DAN FARTS AGAIN) 41 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:48,233 Heck! You wouldn't mind a quick heads up from a fella 42 00:01:48,266 --> 00:01:50,366 who's about to steam press his Calvins. 43 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,200 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 44 00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:02,733 And that's your lesson for today, folks, farts always win. 45 00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:05,766 That right there was an air biscuit. 46 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,233 That was a real ass flapper, if I do say so, myself. 47 00:02:08,266 --> 00:02:10,033 Some fine colon bowling. 48 00:02:10,066 --> 00:02:12,133 Some real rectal turbulence. 49 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,166 Wayne, you gonna weigh in on this? 50 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,566 Well there's nothing better than a fart. 51 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,066 Except kids falling off bikes maybe. Fuck, I could watch kids fall off bikes 52 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,366 all day. I don't give a shit about your kids. 53 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,066 I wish Gail could hear that fart. 54 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,500 I've got a couple pals who'd appreciates it too. 55 00:02:27,533 --> 00:02:31,200 Wouldn't it be kinda neat if you could like, catalog your farts? 56 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,166 What for? 57 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,400 Well, I feel like if other people could hear that crack splitter 58 00:02:39,433 --> 00:02:41,766 it could have a positive impact on their lives. 59 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,400 That may be the nicest thing everybody has ever said about me. 60 00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:49,466 You should be able to keep track of and record your farts. 61 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,266 And your friends' farts. 62 00:02:52,066 --> 00:02:52,766 Like Facebook? 63 00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:55,700 Exactly like a Facebook. 64 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,566 Just like... 65 00:02:59,466 --> 00:03:01,266 MEN: Fartbook. 66 00:03:04,166 --> 00:03:04,966 (DAN FARTS) 67 00:03:07,466 --> 00:03:10,133 Step one, we got to builds us a website. 68 00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:12,133 How are we gonna fuck that pig? 69 00:03:12,166 --> 00:03:14,066 I guess we gots to calls up the internets. 70 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,366 Oh, yeah? You got a phone number for the internet, Dan? 71 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,666 Well, I'm pretty sure they added me on Skypes a while back, 72 00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,666 I mean, I gots to check my emails. 73 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,633 Outstanding. Well, I have an idea, 74 00:03:23,533 --> 00:03:25,766 it's gonna chap a few asses but, 75 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,133 there's a fella we know right here in town who can builds us a websites 76 00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:31,466 so we don't even have to calls up the internets, you know. 77 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,533 Skip that middle man. Right, we'll skip the middle man. 78 00:03:33,566 --> 00:03:36,033 Who is... The internet. 79 00:03:36,066 --> 00:03:37,500 Who is it, Dan? Um, Stewart. 80 00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:39,300 Hard no. 81 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,300 You gots a better idea? 82 00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,700 Better than going into business with a meth head? One or two. 83 00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:49,000 Now hold your good goddamn horses here, let's put it to a vote, those for... 84 00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:51,700 Those against... Get real. 85 00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:54,100 Then she's bought and paid for. Two against one. 86 00:03:56,700 --> 00:04:00,066 So, driving Pete's family's out of town, he had a bit of a Texas Hold'em Tournament. 87 00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:01,700 And I went over there with my second‐cousins. 88 00:04:01,733 --> 00:04:03,733 Who, Garrett? And Jarrett. 89 00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:06,666 Well, Pete gets all liquored up. Long story short, 90 00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:08,766 me and the cousins, just standing there in the kitchen 91 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,433 having a beer watching Pete hang a piss down his own basement stairs. 92 00:04:12,466 --> 00:04:16,100 Then he turns the cock on himself, pisses all over his goddamn chest. 93 00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:18,533 Then he falls down his own piss‐soaked stairs. 94 00:04:18,566 --> 00:04:20,733 What are you gonna do? It's like, "Hey, it's your fucking house!" 95 00:04:20,766 --> 00:04:23,200 But also, "Fuck! It's your house." 96 00:04:23,233 --> 00:04:24,100 (STEWART CLEARS THROAT) 97 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,200 So it's Facebook... 98 00:04:28,166 --> 00:04:29,233 But for farts? 99 00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:30,066 That's right. 100 00:04:34,666 --> 00:04:38,200 Cartoonish. We're in. 101 00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:41,533 But, drop the "The." Just, Fartbook. It's cleaner. 102 00:04:41,566 --> 00:04:43,100 There was never a "The." 103 00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:43,766 And we want 30%. 104 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,133 Of what? 105 00:04:46,166 --> 00:04:48,633 Amateurs. Money, generated from the site! 106 00:04:48,666 --> 00:04:50,100 We are not gonna be making any money off the site. 107 00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:51,666 Yes, we will. 108 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,733 Once we get enough members playing the butt trumpet, 109 00:04:53,766 --> 00:04:55,000 we will sell ad space and make a fortune. 110 00:04:57,133 --> 00:05:00,666 Now, let's talk about marketing. 111 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:03,100 Who should we target to buy ad space on Fartbook? 112 00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:06,166 Indian food. Greek food. Asian noodle soups. What about ring tones? 113 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,300 Instead of putting your phone on silent, you put in on silent... 114 00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:11,200 But deadly. You are an idiot. 115 00:05:11,233 --> 00:05:12,566 He's a... Wait. 116 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,600 You're an idiot. 117 00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:17,666 Is geo‐stamping farts a good idea? 118 00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,533 Of course it is. Popcorn, fart location, movie theater. 119 00:05:20,566 --> 00:05:22,000 That's information I's wants to know! 120 00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,266 No. Why not? 121 00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,633 'Cause it's too complicated. It's like algebra. 122 00:05:26,666 --> 00:05:28,666 Why you gotta put numbers and letters together? 123 00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,133 Why can't you just go fuck yourself? 124 00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:33,333 The kids will fucking love that shit. 125 00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:36,100 Yeah, you know what else kids love, keys. (KEYS JINGLING) 126 00:05:36,133 --> 00:05:39,100 Dangling in front of their faces. They fucking love it. 127 00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:40,133 Fine. 128 00:05:40,733 --> 00:05:42,733 No ads then. 129 00:05:42,766 --> 00:05:44,566 Shake on 30%. 130 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,566 Anything down the road will be negotiated in good faith. 131 00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,266 Beggars can't be choosers. 132 00:05:58,300 --> 00:06:00,566 (GRUNTING) Meritorious! 133 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,100 Give us...24 hours. 134 00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:07,033 Eduardo. We're ranking farts. 135 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,566 I need the algorithm. I need the algorithm. 136 00:06:17,166 --> 00:06:19,533 How are you now? Hey. 137 00:06:19,566 --> 00:06:21,500 Not too bad. Good, and you? Huh? 138 00:06:25,566 --> 00:06:26,566 Oh. 139 00:06:36,666 --> 00:06:37,533 Gentlemen. 140 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:39,400 Fartbook. 141 00:06:48,066 --> 00:06:49,666 DARYL: I don't... 142 00:06:50,633 --> 00:06:52,066 I... I just... 143 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,466 What's wrong with you? 144 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:56,533 Seeing it all come together... Sort yourself out. 145 00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:59,633 Here's what we've done. I am, at this point, 146 00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:01,766 the only member of Fartbook. 147 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,400 Each member will be able to upload three farts. 148 00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:07,700 Each member will post a picture to their farts. 149 00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:11,700 Members will then be allowed to friend request each other and accumulate audiences for 150 00:07:11,733 --> 00:07:13,700 their farts. 151 00:07:15,366 --> 00:07:17,400 For example... (IMITATING DRUM ROLL) 152 00:07:19,766 --> 00:07:21,066 My profile. 153 00:07:24,066 --> 00:07:25,666 (FART RECORDINGS PLAYING) 154 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,766 WAYNE: Wanna know, that's... 155 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,433 That's mint. 156 00:07:41,466 --> 00:07:44,333 Like the... Little bull snort there in the middle there, Stewart. 157 00:07:44,366 --> 00:07:46,500 I really like the placement of the fizzler at the end. 158 00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,400 Thank you. 159 00:07:48,433 --> 00:07:51,166 Now, shall we sign one of you up? Oh! 160 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,466 Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me... 161 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,533 Daryl. Oh, fuck. Shit. Cunt. Fuck... 162 00:07:57,566 --> 00:08:00,700 Wait a sec. Can I go eat a can of Chef Boyardee? Oh! No times. 163 00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:03,233 I can farts on command. 164 00:08:03,266 --> 00:08:04,266 (CHUCKLING) (GRUNTING) 165 00:08:05,533 --> 00:08:06,666 Okay? Mmm‐mmm. 166 00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:09,166 DAN: Ready. 167 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,666 Ahem, I recommend recording through a professional studio mic 168 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:16,200 but the internal computer mic will work for now. 169 00:08:17,233 --> 00:08:19,266 Okay, Dan. 170 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,300 STEWART: Ready? 171 00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,200 Go. 172 00:08:26,233 --> 00:08:27,566 (DAN FARTING) 173 00:08:30,766 --> 00:08:32,433 Oh, very nice. 174 00:08:32,466 --> 00:08:34,066 Boy howdy. 175 00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,066 Onto the second one. 176 00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:37,633 STEWART: Go. 177 00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:39,333 (DAN FARTING) 178 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,366 That was a winner. DARYL: Really nice work, Dan. 179 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,233 Really nice work, Dan. Fuck, is this awkward. 180 00:08:46,566 --> 00:08:47,766 Onto number three. 181 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,066 (GRUNTS) 182 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,666 (SHORT FART) 183 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:54,200 No, no, no. I can do better. I wants to go again. 184 00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,400 No, I think you should keep it. 185 00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:58,500 DARYL: No one likes a fart that sounds too staged. 186 00:08:58,533 --> 00:09:01,133 Do you wanna know what? He's right. 187 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:04,600 Like that person who just happens to have burst out laughing in every group photo 188 00:09:04,633 --> 00:09:05,733 they're in? 189 00:09:05,766 --> 00:09:08,466 Like the camera just happened to catch that magic moment 190 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:11,300 in every single one. That like, "Say cheese." 191 00:09:20,733 --> 00:09:22,033 You're not fooling me, bud. 192 00:09:23,166 --> 00:09:25,333 Nope. 193 00:09:25,366 --> 00:09:27,033 If you think, if you think it's a good idea... 194 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,733 It's a good spread there. Like... 195 00:09:28,766 --> 00:09:29,566 It's a good spread. 196 00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:32,600 STEWART: I suggest we, um, 197 00:09:32,633 --> 00:09:34,566 send it out to a test audience, before it goes live. 198 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:35,666 Um... 199 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,700 Get some feedback. Iron out the bugs. 200 00:09:37,733 --> 00:09:39,100 Suggestions? 201 00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:40,366 Gail. Duh... 202 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:42,333 What about the Ginger? 203 00:09:42,366 --> 00:09:44,633 Mmm... What about Boots? 204 00:09:44,666 --> 00:09:47,366 Oh, mmm, the Ginger... 205 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,433 You guys... 206 00:09:49,466 --> 00:09:50,600 Ever heard anything about that guy fucking an ostrich? 207 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,600 I heard it was Boots who fucked the ostrich. No. 208 00:09:55,633 --> 00:09:56,766 The Ginger fucked an ostrich. 209 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,266 Allegedly. Let's see... 210 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:01,433 It'd take more than one guy to fuck an ostrich. 211 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,733 You think they were both there? 212 00:10:04,766 --> 00:10:07,500 Like, Boots held down the ostrich? WAYNE: I suppose... 213 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:12,033 If you really wanted to get to the bottom of it... 214 00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:14,233 We could find someone, 215 00:10:14,266 --> 00:10:16,400 someone who farms ostriches. 216 00:10:17,333 --> 00:10:18,333 Who might know 217 00:10:20,533 --> 00:10:21,566 how they get fucked. 218 00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:28,533 I don't think we need to invite them, though. 219 00:10:28,566 --> 00:10:30,366 We should get the hockey players in on this. 220 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,500 Those d‐gens would lap this right up. 221 00:10:32,533 --> 00:10:34,700 Maybe get Glen. Get the Christians on board. 222 00:10:34,733 --> 00:10:38,733 Agreed. And we should also get Katy into the fracas. I'll talk to her. 223 00:10:38,766 --> 00:10:41,333 The fuck you will. Wondrous. 224 00:10:41,366 --> 00:10:43,266 You talk to her, then. 225 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,300 We reconvene back here in 24 hours. 226 00:10:47,633 --> 00:10:49,033 (FARTING SOUNDS) 227 00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:53,133 Yeah... (GROANING) 228 00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:54,533 (FARTS) 229 00:10:55,533 --> 00:10:56,633 (FARTS) 230 00:10:56,666 --> 00:10:58,233 (FARTING CONTINUES) 231 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,400 Oh, yes. (FARTING) 232 00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:03,366 Go. 233 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:05,800 (FARTING) 234 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,666 (FART RECORDINGS PLAYING) 235 00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:11,700 (CAT FARTING) 236 00:11:14,066 --> 00:11:16,033 Hey, has Katy liked any of your farts on Fartbook? 237 00:11:16,566 --> 00:11:17,666 No, you? 238 00:11:18,533 --> 00:11:20,000 Huh. No. Huh. 239 00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:23,300 (BOTH PANTING) 240 00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:27,766 We got a problem. 241 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,233 We need to talk to Gail. 242 00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:32,566 (GRUNTING) Gail. 243 00:11:35,666 --> 00:11:37,633 How are you now? 244 00:11:37,666 --> 00:11:41,166 Good and you? Not so bad. 245 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,333 Gail, we've summoned you here today to talk about your Fartbook profile. 246 00:11:45,366 --> 00:11:47,166 Okay. Let's listen. 247 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,000 (FART RECORDINGS PLAYING) 248 00:12:00,266 --> 00:12:02,500 Everything about that so right. Wrong. 249 00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:05,600 You've attached messages to each of your farts. 250 00:12:05,633 --> 00:12:08,133 For example, 251 00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:11,466 send this fart to ten people or you will have bad sex for the rest of your life. 252 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,133 But see, I had just got that message from someone else. 253 00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:17,600 So it's like, if I didn't send it, then I'd be stuck having bad shaboink forever. 254 00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:22,100 And I enjoy a horizontal refreshment for my vertical smile 255 00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:24,300 too goddamn much to take that risk. 256 00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:26,533 It's called spamming, Gail. 257 00:12:26,566 --> 00:12:30,266 Never heard it called that. Heard it called spunking one or two times... 258 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,600 No. Sending annoying messages to people 259 00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:35,133 who have not requested it is called spamming. 260 00:12:35,166 --> 00:12:36,400 Okay. 261 00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:38,366 And it's annoying. 262 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,500 No. No. No. Yes. Yes. 263 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,500 If you continue to misuse Fartbook, 264 00:12:44,533 --> 00:12:45,733 we'll have to suspend your membership. 265 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,700 Suspend my membership? 266 00:12:47,733 --> 00:12:50,300 Why don't you suspend my fist in your ass, you little fuck. 267 00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:52,533 If you ever threaten me like that again, I'll spread your cheeks 268 00:12:52,566 --> 00:12:55,500 and I'll feed you a Kentucky Klondike Bar, you little twat. 269 00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:58,433 I'll drop an Alabama Hot Pocket in your deuce maker, Charlie. 270 00:13:02,066 --> 00:13:04,600 I'll fuckin' land shark your shit house so fast 271 00:13:04,633 --> 00:13:07,233 you'll be crying for your mother, you fucking asshole. 272 00:13:07,266 --> 00:13:09,033 GAIL: Fuck you, Stewart. 273 00:13:09,066 --> 00:13:12,466 You drop deuces in every orifice of your body, you fuckhead! 274 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,166 Tear you into a Pop‐Tart! 275 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,000 GAIL: And then I will... 276 00:13:17,066 --> 00:13:18,233 We've got another problem. 277 00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:20,633 STEWART: Where's Katy? 278 00:13:23,366 --> 00:13:25,200 What? STEWART: Katy. 279 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:28,000 We've summoned you here today to talk about your Fartbook profile. 280 00:13:29,233 --> 00:13:31,033 Super. Let's listen. 281 00:13:34,733 --> 00:13:35,533 (FART RECORDINGS PLAYING) 282 00:13:45,766 --> 00:13:48,633 Problem? Those are cat farts. 283 00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:51,766 Right. You've got a picture of your cat under each of your farts. 284 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,100 It's not my cat. It's just a barn cat. 285 00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,733 I seen a coon having sex with a barn cat on top of my truck one time, fuck. 286 00:13:57,766 --> 00:14:00,166 What's the nature of that, David Suzuki? 287 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:04,633 No one cares about your cat's farts. 288 00:14:04,666 --> 00:14:05,833 But look how cute they are. 289 00:14:05,866 --> 00:14:09,712 Not to be impolite, but you're the only one who thinks so. 290 00:14:09,746 --> 00:14:12,746 Everybody whose got a cat or a kid, 291 00:14:12,779 --> 00:14:16,346 is going to think their cat's or kid's farts are super special and unique. 292 00:14:16,379 --> 00:14:19,779 They're not. They are just a cat or a kid fart. 293 00:14:19,812 --> 00:14:24,179 In addition, you've been updating new farts from your cat almost hourly. 294 00:14:24,212 --> 00:14:27,212 Oh, that's because there's so many cute farts. Like I can't even keep up. 295 00:14:27,246 --> 00:14:29,246 (HIP‐HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 296 00:14:34,012 --> 00:14:36,212 JONESY: Katy! What is this fucking gong show? 297 00:14:36,246 --> 00:14:38,346 We're supposed to be napping right now, boys. 298 00:14:38,379 --> 00:14:40,212 What? We are at home. 299 00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:44,146 In the middle of a 'Chel tournament with big dingers in... 300 00:14:44,179 --> 00:14:47,912 When we see you've been liking all this duster's farts on Fartbook. 301 00:14:47,946 --> 00:14:49,379 And none of this beauty's farts. 302 00:14:49,412 --> 00:14:52,912 And not one of this grain fed, 303 00:14:52,946 --> 00:14:58,279 USDA certified, 100% non‐animal tested, organic beauty. 304 00:14:58,312 --> 00:14:59,412 Not one. You're welcome. Thanks, buddy. 305 00:15:00,046 --> 00:15:01,412 So? 306 00:15:01,446 --> 00:15:03,679 So he's gonna think you wanna fucking wheel him. 307 00:15:03,712 --> 00:15:05,746 He's gonna think that you wanna turn on the jets. 308 00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:06,846 Because I like his farts? 309 00:15:06,879 --> 00:15:07,912 Yes. 310 00:15:07,946 --> 00:15:11,412 I'm just pushing a button. It doesn't mean anything. 311 00:15:11,446 --> 00:15:14,246 What the fuck are you looking at, you fuckin' pilon? 312 00:15:15,412 --> 00:15:16,812 Fucking vampire... Pipe down, idiots. 313 00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:18,312 Get in the house. 314 00:15:18,946 --> 00:15:21,079 Now. 315 00:15:21,112 --> 00:15:24,146 (GROWLS) I'm gonna get you, you fuckin' pheasant! 316 00:15:24,179 --> 00:15:25,879 We're comin' phezzy! 317 00:15:25,912 --> 00:15:26,946 (CHUCKLES) Guys. 318 00:15:28,912 --> 00:15:31,012 Boy, you're havin' quite a day, Super‐chief. 319 00:15:31,046 --> 00:15:32,412 (SIGHS) 320 00:15:32,446 --> 00:15:33,812 We've got another problem. 321 00:15:35,079 --> 00:15:37,146 Where's Glen? 322 00:15:37,179 --> 00:15:42,146 Daryl, Rage Monkeys. Daniel. Wayne. 323 00:15:42,179 --> 00:15:44,812 We've summoned you here today to talk to you about your Fartbook profile. 324 00:15:45,046 --> 00:15:47,046 Allons‐y. 325 00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,446 You have no photos and no farts 326 00:15:49,479 --> 00:15:52,046 but are friends with everyone along for the test drive. 327 00:15:52,079 --> 00:15:54,346 Hmm. I'm not friends with everyone. 328 00:15:54,379 --> 00:15:58,046 I'm not friends with Wayne yet. But I wanna be. 329 00:15:58,079 --> 00:16:01,846 It seems as though you were just cruising through Fartbook 330 00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:05,712 liking and commenting on everyone's farts but contributing nothing yourself. 331 00:16:05,746 --> 00:16:07,279 (WHISPERS) Nothing. 332 00:16:08,279 --> 00:16:10,279 I am as God made me. 333 00:16:10,312 --> 00:16:13,812 Blessed with a very healthy gastro‐intestinal system. 334 00:16:13,846 --> 00:16:15,179 Not super farty. 335 00:16:15,212 --> 00:16:17,346 What you're doing is called creeping. 336 00:16:17,379 --> 00:16:19,212 Not what Fartbook is all about. 337 00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,979 I genuinely enjoy farts. 338 00:16:21,012 --> 00:16:23,812 You can't just go around creeping other people's farts. 339 00:16:23,846 --> 00:16:26,779 What the truck is wrong with that? 340 00:16:26,812 --> 00:16:29,679 If you continue to misuse Fartbook, 341 00:16:29,712 --> 00:16:31,679 we'll have to suspend your membership. 342 00:16:32,012 --> 00:16:33,946 Fine. Fine. 343 00:16:34,446 --> 00:16:35,812 Fluff you then. 344 00:16:35,846 --> 00:16:37,146 I have millions... 345 00:16:37,179 --> 00:16:40,846 (CHUCKLES) And I mean, millions of ways of hearing unlimited farts. 346 00:16:41,279 --> 00:16:42,379 We're done here, Glen. 347 00:16:43,146 --> 00:16:44,246 Are we though? 348 00:16:50,979 --> 00:16:51,812 Are we? 349 00:16:59,712 --> 00:17:02,379 I think we should pump the brakes on Fartbook. 350 00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:05,712 That's a Texas‐size 10‐4. Why? 351 00:17:05,746 --> 00:17:07,446 It's kicking up too much dust. 352 00:17:07,479 --> 00:17:10,746 We haven't even gotten into it and already folks are gettin' chapped asses. 353 00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,012 Well, that's their problem. Not ours. 354 00:17:13,246 --> 00:17:15,246 This is our problem. 355 00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:18,846 We started Fartbook so that good folks could share farts with other good folks. 356 00:17:18,879 --> 00:17:20,079 That's it. 357 00:17:20,112 --> 00:17:23,212 Not to creepin' farts, or spam farts... 358 00:17:23,246 --> 00:17:25,446 Although, if you eat spam, you'll get good farts. 359 00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:28,346 Farts should never come between the love of a man and a woman. 360 00:17:28,379 --> 00:17:31,812 It's not right. You don't get to 500 million farts 361 00:17:31,846 --> 00:17:33,312 without making a few sharts. 362 00:17:33,946 --> 00:17:35,212 Exactly. 363 00:17:36,046 --> 00:17:37,746 So, what are you saying? 364 00:17:41,012 --> 00:17:42,346 Fartbook dies today. 365 00:17:42,379 --> 00:17:45,079 Today, Fartbook is dead. 366 00:17:46,479 --> 00:17:48,212 Oh. You think so? 367 00:17:48,246 --> 00:17:50,046 I'm with the fellas on this one. 368 00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:51,712 It's not why we invented it. (SCOFFS) 369 00:17:53,312 --> 00:17:54,812 You invented it? Our idea. 370 00:17:55,446 --> 00:17:56,712 We built the site. 371 00:18:01,179 --> 00:18:04,346 You know, you really don't need a forensics team to get to the bottom of this. 372 00:18:04,379 --> 00:18:07,879 If you were the inventors of Fartbook, you'd have invented Fartbook. 373 00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:10,246 Hold your horses there. Let's put this to a vote. 374 00:18:11,912 --> 00:18:14,879 Those for closing down Fartbook, raise your hands. 375 00:18:17,412 --> 00:18:18,912 Those against? 376 00:18:20,779 --> 00:18:23,779 But we own 30 percent. 377 00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,812 This isn't fair! (YELLING INDISTINCTLY) 378 00:18:27,812 --> 00:18:30,246 If you want to sit on our backs and call yourselves tall, 379 00:18:30,279 --> 00:18:32,446 you have every right to do so. 380 00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,412 But don't think that we're gonna sit here and enjoy listening to you lie. 381 00:18:35,446 --> 00:18:37,279 You have a bit of our attention, 382 00:18:37,312 --> 00:18:39,246 you have the smallest bit of our attention. 383 00:18:39,279 --> 00:18:40,912 When did we ask for your attention? 384 00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:42,979 The rest of our attention is back at the offices of Fartbook, 385 00:18:43,012 --> 00:18:45,312 where my friends and I are doing things that no one on this farm, 386 00:18:45,346 --> 00:18:47,012 especially and including you idiots, 387 00:18:47,046 --> 00:18:49,779 are intellectually, creatively, artistically, 388 00:18:49,812 --> 00:18:52,246 emotionally, or spiritually capable of doing. 389 00:18:52,279 --> 00:18:53,946 Have I adequately answered your condescending question? 390 00:18:53,979 --> 00:18:54,912 What question? 391 00:18:54,946 --> 00:18:57,112 (SCREAMS) Farts! 392 00:18:57,146 --> 00:18:59,712 You better lawyer up, asshole, 393 00:18:59,746 --> 00:19:01,779 because I'm not coming back for 30 percent, 394 00:19:01,812 --> 00:19:04,412 I'm coming back for everything. 395 00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,746 I... 396 00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:10,779 I don't know what happened just now. 397 00:19:11,946 --> 00:19:13,946 (WHIMPERING) 398 00:19:18,846 --> 00:19:20,646 (WHISPERING) No... No... 399 00:19:27,312 --> 00:19:29,312 DAN: You know, I've been thinking about Fartbook... 400 00:19:29,346 --> 00:19:31,679 What about it, bigshits? 401 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,212 DAN: I think maybe we pulled the cord too quick on that, you parachute. 402 00:19:35,312 --> 00:19:37,012 I miss it too, three‐point shoes. 403 00:19:38,146 --> 00:19:39,812 I was on there a lot. 404 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,912 Too much, likely. 405 00:19:41,946 --> 00:19:43,379 I was always checking it. 406 00:19:43,412 --> 00:19:45,146 It was very addicting. 407 00:19:45,179 --> 00:19:49,012 Except, did you ever really stop to think about one thing, did you? 408 00:19:49,046 --> 00:19:51,279 Rippin' farts into your computer doesn't exactly 409 00:19:51,312 --> 00:19:53,179 spike the likelihood of having sex with girls. 410 00:19:53,912 --> 00:19:54,946 STEWART: Hey! 411 00:19:56,146 --> 00:19:58,146 (BOTH PANTING) 412 00:20:00,279 --> 00:20:02,079 Hey! Hey! 413 00:20:02,112 --> 00:20:05,146 Not now. Need 20 minutes. STEWART: Okay. 414 00:20:05,179 --> 00:20:07,012 Just wanted to let you know that Glen stole our website. 415 00:20:08,112 --> 00:20:09,779 It's been live for more than 36 hours. 416 00:20:10,479 --> 00:20:12,146 Hey! Hey! Fuck it! 417 00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,779 WAYNE: (EXCLAIMS) Oh! Fuck's sake. Jesus! 418 00:20:18,879 --> 00:20:20,712 (GROANS) Fucking sort yourselves out. 419 00:20:42,912 --> 00:20:45,179 GLEN: Cheese and rice. 420 00:20:45,212 --> 00:20:49,079 I can't remember the last time five men came in this church so aggressively. 421 00:20:49,879 --> 00:20:51,346 Or can I? 422 00:20:51,379 --> 00:20:53,412 You stole our idea. Hmm... 423 00:20:53,446 --> 00:20:55,979 Are you referring to Christian Fart Mingle? 424 00:20:56,012 --> 00:20:57,246 What's that? 425 00:20:57,279 --> 00:20:59,679 It's like Christian Mingle, but for farts. 426 00:20:59,712 --> 00:21:01,012 DARYL: We asked your help with our idea 427 00:21:01,046 --> 00:21:02,979 and you went behind our backs and stole'd it. 428 00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:05,446 (STUTTERING) I didn't... Excuse... Oh, my God. 429 00:21:05,479 --> 00:21:10,279 Those are some hairy allegations you are firing, at my face. 430 00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:13,746 All your allegations... All of them, completely fricken' false. Baseless. 431 00:21:14,112 --> 00:21:15,779 How? 432 00:21:15,812 --> 00:21:17,979 Stewart, I did not steal anything. 433 00:21:18,012 --> 00:21:19,379 Because the last time I checked, 434 00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:22,679 taking advantage of a growing trend was not stealing. 435 00:21:22,712 --> 00:21:24,846 What trend? I'll tell you. 436 00:21:24,879 --> 00:21:26,146 But first, let's sing a hymn. No. 437 00:21:26,179 --> 00:21:28,046 No. Fine. 438 00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:30,712 Look, y'all had a good idea, all right? 439 00:21:30,746 --> 00:21:32,812 You had a terrific idea. Congratulations. 440 00:21:32,846 --> 00:21:36,841 But did you actually think you were the only ones in the world to have it? 441 00:21:38,007 --> 00:21:40,907 What are you talking about? 442 00:21:40,941 --> 00:21:44,041 I'm talking about Fart culture, Stewart. It's all the rage. 443 00:21:44,074 --> 00:21:45,674 It's everywhere. 444 00:21:46,641 --> 00:21:48,641 You know... Nothing... 445 00:21:49,507 --> 00:21:50,441 Glen will show you. 446 00:21:51,674 --> 00:21:52,641 Ever heard of Plenty of Farts? 447 00:21:54,541 --> 00:21:56,374 I've heard of Plenty of Fish. 448 00:21:56,407 --> 00:21:59,474 It's very much like that, except for farts. 449 00:21:59,507 --> 00:22:00,907 Here. Here's the one I like the best. 450 00:22:01,841 --> 00:22:03,474 It's called Fart Filter. 451 00:22:03,507 --> 00:22:06,574 And I like it because you can put different filters on all of your farts and it's fun. 452 00:22:06,607 --> 00:22:07,907 So, yeah, I'll just show you how it works. 453 00:22:07,941 --> 00:22:10,007 This one, no filter. Nothing. 454 00:22:10,041 --> 00:22:11,974 (FART RECORDING PLAYING) 455 00:22:14,474 --> 00:22:16,807 Who cares? Not Glen, right? 456 00:22:16,841 --> 00:22:20,741 Vanilla. Pedestrian... I'm not interested. 457 00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:24,007 However, shove that baby through the Hudson filter... 458 00:22:24,041 --> 00:22:26,007 What's she gonna sound like? 459 00:22:26,041 --> 00:22:27,874 (FART SCALING UPWARD) 460 00:22:29,607 --> 00:22:31,707 Now there's a renovation. 461 00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:34,441 Now suck on your Sutro filter... 462 00:22:34,474 --> 00:22:36,074 (DISTORTED FART RECORDING) 463 00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,907 (EXCLAIMS) 464 00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:42,041 Now boys, because I'm feeling generous, 465 00:22:42,074 --> 00:22:45,007 and we're in the Lord's house, I'm gonna play you 466 00:22:45,041 --> 00:22:48,341 the filter that I invented myself. I call it... 467 00:22:49,507 --> 00:22:50,907 Valencia. 468 00:22:52,707 --> 00:22:54,707 (FART RECORDING PLAYING) 469 00:23:00,941 --> 00:23:02,674 Wow. 470 00:23:02,707 --> 00:23:05,074 There is a whole site devoted to gluten‐free farts. 471 00:23:05,107 --> 00:23:07,841 The point is, it's out there, boys. 472 00:23:07,874 --> 00:23:10,507 It's happened. The idea lives in the world. 473 00:23:10,541 --> 00:23:12,841 Y'all are too slow. Slow on the uptake. 474 00:23:12,874 --> 00:23:15,141 Sad story. Boo‐hoo. Toot‐toot! 475 00:23:15,174 --> 00:23:16,641 Go away. (HOARSELY) Let's go. 476 00:23:17,807 --> 00:23:19,607 GLEN: Sad face, sad face, angry face. 477 00:23:22,441 --> 00:23:24,474 (FART RECORDING PLAYING) 478 00:23:28,807 --> 00:23:30,774 Better slow down there, Big‐shoots. 479 00:23:30,807 --> 00:23:32,041 Tomorrow's gonna be a great day for hay. 480 00:23:32,074 --> 00:23:35,807 If you can be a man at night, you can be a man in the morning. 481 00:23:35,841 --> 00:23:37,441 Wayne, how come you didn't join Fartbook? 482 00:23:37,474 --> 00:23:40,641 'Cause you're not supposed to fart in front of girls. What? 483 00:23:40,674 --> 00:23:43,941 There's certain things that should stay sacred between a man and a woman. 484 00:23:43,974 --> 00:23:46,974 So, all things considered, this whole thing's pretty fucking juvenile, 485 00:23:47,007 --> 00:23:48,974 if I do say so myself. 486 00:23:49,007 --> 00:23:51,107 If she's always listening to your ass acoustics, 487 00:23:51,141 --> 00:23:52,574 or even worse, smellin' 'em, 488 00:23:52,607 --> 00:23:56,041 I guarantee she'll be slower and slower to crawl into bed with you at night. 489 00:23:56,074 --> 00:23:58,541 What you just said is outrageous. 490 00:23:58,574 --> 00:24:00,141 No it isn't. It's true. 491 00:24:00,174 --> 00:24:02,974 I don't wanna be smelling a dude's ass all the time. Get real. 492 00:24:03,007 --> 00:24:05,141 What are you? Some kind of fart purist? 493 00:24:05,174 --> 00:24:07,407 So what are you supposed to do? Just hold it in? 494 00:24:07,441 --> 00:24:09,374 Or take a shit, you fuckin' degenerate. 495 00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:10,774 Speaking of shit, 496 00:24:10,807 --> 00:24:12,774 my second cousin's got IBS. 497 00:24:12,807 --> 00:24:14,774 Who, Garrett? No, Jarett. 498 00:24:14,807 --> 00:24:18,907 DAN: No. IBS, the International Business Solution? 499 00:24:18,941 --> 00:24:21,941 IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndromes. 500 00:24:21,974 --> 00:24:25,741 Anyhoo, when he was a kid, Jackass comes out on the air, 501 00:24:25,774 --> 00:24:28,441 so it becomes real popular in his high school, 502 00:24:28,474 --> 00:24:31,674 for kids to start taking shits in places what weren't meant for taking shits in. 503 00:24:31,707 --> 00:24:33,074 They calls that guerrilla shittin'. 504 00:24:33,107 --> 00:24:34,741 Is this a true story? 505 00:24:34,774 --> 00:24:36,874 So, he became real popular with his friends, 506 00:24:36,907 --> 00:24:40,474 with his ability to take a shits any time he needed to. 507 00:24:40,507 --> 00:24:42,407 They'd call him up when they get an idea 508 00:24:42,441 --> 00:24:44,374 of a place that needed a shits taken in, 509 00:24:44,407 --> 00:24:46,874 and be like, "Hey, why don't you comes over here and takes a shits?" 510 00:24:46,907 --> 00:24:49,707 Anyhow, this one time his pal texts him up, 511 00:24:49,741 --> 00:24:52,807 and he says, "Hey, why don't you come take a shits in the girls' bathroom?" 512 00:24:52,841 --> 00:24:55,007 So, he drinks a coffee, eats a bran muffin, 513 00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:56,841 heads on down to the washroom there, 514 00:24:56,874 --> 00:24:58,874 but when he opens the bathroom door, what does he find? 515 00:24:58,907 --> 00:25:00,941 But this pretty young girl just dropping a shits, 516 00:25:00,974 --> 00:25:02,841 right there in the middle of the bathroom floor. 517 00:25:02,874 --> 00:25:04,741 And that's how he met his lovely Eunice. 518 00:25:04,774 --> 00:25:07,374 And they fells in love, and they've been together ever since. 519 00:25:07,407 --> 00:25:09,907 They raised three little shits. So... 520 00:25:09,941 --> 00:25:12,674 With all due respect, Miss Katy, 521 00:25:12,707 --> 00:25:17,074 there is a market for gentlemens what can find ladies who like, uh, farts, 522 00:25:17,107 --> 00:25:19,507 or shits, or even guerrilla shittin's. 523 00:25:19,541 --> 00:25:21,974 That is not a true story. 524 00:25:22,007 --> 00:25:23,741 That is a true story. 525 00:25:23,774 --> 00:25:25,907 God help us all. 526 00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:29,674 You know what, I don't know why you guys need everybody knowing your business anyway. 527 00:25:29,707 --> 00:25:32,541 Like why you gotta put everything on the internet, while you're doing it, 528 00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:33,907 or after you're done doing it? 529 00:25:33,941 --> 00:25:35,674 Well, if you don't puts it on the internet, 530 00:25:35,707 --> 00:25:37,374 how's gonna people know what you did? 531 00:25:37,407 --> 00:25:39,141 Do you wanna know what? That's your problem right there. 532 00:25:39,174 --> 00:25:41,741 Should be playing your cards close to your chest. 533 00:25:41,774 --> 00:25:44,041 Keep the ladies guessin' a little bit. Be the mystery man. 534 00:25:44,074 --> 00:25:45,607 Right again. 535 00:25:45,641 --> 00:25:47,907 Oh, if a woman's not gonna love me for my farts 536 00:25:47,941 --> 00:25:50,674 or for me posting my bowling scores on the internet... 537 00:25:51,874 --> 00:25:53,541 Not really sure I want one. 538 00:25:53,574 --> 00:25:55,841 Well, then it's a good thing you's two have each other. 539 00:25:59,141 --> 00:26:01,341 (DAN FARTS) 540 00:26:02,941 --> 00:26:04,774 (CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)41848

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