All language subtitles for The Thorn Birds - 01x05 - Part 5.Dvdrip.English.HI.updated.Addic7ed.com

From the outback of Australia...

comes a turbulent saga
that spans the decades.

Fire. Fire on Drogheda.

Colleen McCullough's best-selling novel:

The Thorn Birds.

The story of an ambitious priest,
a beautiful woman...

and a love that lasts a lifetime.

You can marry me. You love me.

But I love God more.

His ambition took him
from the woman he loved...

to the corridors of power.

Her desire brought her to a man
who could take his place.

God, you are beautiful.

Ralph's to be made a bishop.

I've got my own announcement to make.

I'm going to marry Luke O'Neill.

And tonight, the story continues.

I'll never have what I really want.

...with no home, no babies.
No husband, for that matter.

And Meggie's fighting back
the only way she can.

Meghann, what have you done to me?

What I wouldn't give if she were yours
instead of Luke's.

Meghann's my wife, not yours.

God knows how much I've hurt you,
but I do love you.

You haven't the least idea
what real love is!

I'm not going to waste the rest of my life
dreaming of a man I can never have.

Forgive me.

No more.

Christopher Plummer,
Piper Laurie, Earl Holliman...

Ken Howard, Mare Winningham...

Philip Anglim, Jean Simmons...

Bryan Brown, Rachel Ward...

and Richard Chamberlain.

A love unattainable...

forbidden forever: The Thorn Birds.

I wonder what Ralph will think...

when I write
that you've married a Protestant.

What difference does it make?
I'm doing what he wanted, aren't I?

Mom...

I'd really rather you didn't write.

I'll send Father Ralph a letter about it
as soon as we settle in Queensland.

I'll miss you, Meggie.

If you don't stop,
you'll have me crying as well...

- And how would that look?
- I'm a silly old goose.

It's just that Queensland
seems so far away.

It's not forever, and I'll be home to visit.

It's just that Luke can earn so much more
cutting cane in Queensland.

I suppose that means you'll be able to buy
your own sheep station that much sooner.

That's right. And just think...

I'll have a new home of my own
to take care of.

And I'll have children one day.

I've just got to have something
of my own...

something real that I can care about.

Meggie, darling.

And I need Luke.

He's not one of those complicated men...

who'll always be wanting something
more than he wants me.

Luke loves me, Mrs. Smith.

Truly, he does.

F14,000?

Why, that's more than a lot of squatters
are worth. I had no idea.

What, she didn't tell you?

Oh, Lord. That's Meggie.

No more idea than a child
about such things.

Ralph gave us money
when the Church inherited Drogheda.

Father de Bricassart.
He oversees the estate for the Church.

I've transferred Meggie's money
to the bank in Dungloe...

and put it in your name.

I want you to know how much I appreciate
the way you Clearys have treated me.

I don't have much,
but what I do have is Meghann's.

And you can be sure I'll never touch
a penny of this except to buy us a station.

And I'll take good care of her.
You have my word on that.

Come on, you two!

Goodbye, Pete.

- All the best, Meggie.
- Thanks, Alastair.

Be happy, Meggie.

Come on, Meghann, we'll miss our train.

Your Eminence.

Eminence?

I think I'm not quite accustomed yet
to being a cardinal, Ralph.

I'm almost rather startled
when you call me that.

You will see what I mean...

when first you are addressed
as My Lord Bishop de Bricassart.

But I trust you're ready for it.

I hope that I am...

and that I can be worthy of it.

My dear Ralph.

Often when I speak to you
of your progress in the Church...

I do so in ways that sound worldly...

even cynical.

I do not fully understand you yet.

Perhaps I never shall.

But I have never doubted...

that your life is dedicated to God.

Nor do I doubt that in making you
My Lord Bishop today...

the Church will bring you...

the greatest happiness
you have ever known.

Luke, look.

It's like paradise.

It's Queensland, love.

- Luke, what on earth are they doing?
- They're burning up the cane.

Drives out the rats and snakes,
makes it easier for the fellows to get at.

Smells wonderful, doesn't it?

That's what you'll be doing?

- That's coolie labor.
- Coolie labor?

Queensland cutters are the finest
in the world, the elite.

I'll be a lucky lad
if my old mate, Arne, will hire me.

He will, if he wants a good worker.

I can earn 10 times as much in that cane
as I ever could at Drogheda.

And that means we'll be able
to buy a place that much sooner.

So if I have to be a coolie now, then I will.

Because one day, Mrs. O'Neill,
I intend to be the headpin...

out on the best sheep station
in the whole of Western Queensland.

I'm sorry.

Forget it, love.

First time and all.

- Does it always hurt so much?
- Never got any complaints before.

I'm just so tired.

- Three days on the train and then the bus.
- I know.

And this wet heat makes it worse
when you're not used to it.

Tell you what. You have a nice nap,
and I'll go and see Arne.

Then we'll both look at Dungloe together.

Tell me about Arne Swenson.
You haven't said a word.

Should've seen his face
when I told him I was married.

- Couldn't believe I'd do it to him.
- Does he have a job for you?

- Only f20 a week, starting tomorrow.
- F20?

That's wonderful.

Tomorrow? We don't even
have a house yet.

I suppose I could look for one by myself.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

See, Arne's gang works six days a week,
up and down the coast.

They live in barracks,
and I'll have to live with them.

What am I supposed to do?

- I don't want to stay here by myself.
- Of course not, and I wouldn't want you to.

Besides what sort of sense would that be?
Paying rent on a place for just one person.

I fixed up for you to stay
with someone Arne knows.

The Muellers.

- Mrs. Mueller needs help round the house...
- Luke.

You hired me out as a housemaid?

You make it sound
like the end of the world.

You'll be on a big cane plantation.
The Mueller's manage it.

And they're nice people.
I looked them over very carefully.

I thought at least
I'd make some kind of home for us.

It's not as if we were destitute.
We've got my f14,000.

And that's to stay in the bank
as our nest egg.

The rest we can earn together.

If we put our heads down and work hard,
we'll have our own place in no time.

- I just want us to have the best.
- I know.

But living in some stranger's house...

- Never seeing you?
- Of course, you'll see me.

We'll have every Sunday together.
Make up for the rest of the week.

Come on, let's get back to the hotel.

We got some honeymooning to do.

Good life all right, cutting the sugar.

Best life there is
for the man that's up to it.

And Luke, he's got the stuff
to be a bloody good cutter...

if he's not interfered with.

Let's just hope
Luke is bloody good enough...

to make lots of money...

- Because that's what he wants out of it.
- Yeah, that's what I used to say.

Look at this, Meghann.
Didn't I say it was nice?

There's plenty of cane,
if that's what you mean.

- Bye, Luke.
- Come on, Luke.

- Come on, say goodbye to your...
- Bye, love.

- See you Sunday.
- She'll be waiting for you Sunday.

Come, let's go.

We are family now.

Good day!

Can you tell me
where to find the manager?

Thank you.

Get those slobs off their behinds and on
their feet or I'll find somebody who can.

There's plenty looking for your job.

Mr. Mueller? I'm Meggie Cleary.

- What?
- O'Neill.

You're the new girl.
Why aren't you up at the house then?

Bet you took the wrong road.
Everybody does.

Come on, I'd best take you up.

A wife shouldn't be left alone so long.
Hop in.

- How do you like our Himmelhoch?
- It's lovely, Mr. Mueller.

- So green.
- Not like home?

Your husband tells me you come from
somewhere down in New South Wales.

- Damn.
- Anne, you all right?

God, why do you try to do these things?

Yes, why do i?

That's enough of your nonsense now.

Just hand me my canes, Luddie.

Anne, this is the new girl.

Mrs. O'Neill.

Meggie, I hope you have a strong back
and plenty of patience.

I better get back to the mill.

I'll just clear this away.

Make sure you get all the pieces.

Get a move on, fellows.

Not like that, mate.

Not unless you wanna be
the only one-handed cutter.

Give it here.

I'm beginning to see
why this job pays so good.

Cut it low and throw it out.

Low and throw it out.

It's easy when you know how.

But you'd best stay away
from that bride of yours.

To make it in this game,
a man's gotta give it all to the cane.

I can certainly see
why they banned this one.

- That gamekeeper.
- Anne, you and your spicy books.

I'll go and start tea.
No point waiting for Luke any longer.

No doubt he'll be working.

Working.

- Like every Sunday.
- There's a depression on.

You can hardly blame him for working
when he has the chance.

Fine.

If you ask me,
he's just like most of the men around here.

Marry some poor girl and go off
and traipse all over with their mates.

If a bachelor's life is what they truly want,
why marry at all?

At 11:00, there's a meeting
on consular relations with the secretary.

I'd watch him, Your Grace,
I hear he's opposed to your position.

Then the congregation
for the Oriental churches...

to discuss the establishment
of more regional seminaries.

An exciting trend, don't you think?

Because a native clergy would
be more sensitive to their own people.

No doubt,
but all these endless conferences...

policy, diplomacy.

Are you so very certain
that you want to be a cardinal?

How else can I hope to be elected Pope?

The perfect answer, always.
Deceiving with the truth.

Do you never have
one unguarded moment?

I beg your pardon,
I've offended Your Eminence.

And I wish you'd stop calling me
by that exalted title of mine.

My name is Vittorio.

When Pius X became Pope...

he was given a wonderful bed.

Do you know what he said?

It's beautiful...

but I shall die in it.

So much for the rewards of ambition.

Five tons a day, O'Neill.

Not bad for a beginner.

- While you're cutting 12 a day.
- So, that's it, is it?

You're looking to outstrip me.

Could be, Arne.

Let's see those hands.

Poor Lukie.

Of course, you could always try
wearing gloves.

Gloves? You think I can't beat your tally?

I think you're full of blarney,
same as you always were.

Old Luke and his big plans.

Like those rich cocky's daughters
you were going to marry.

Yeah, well, I didn't do too bad.
F14,000, more coming in.

You'll be a cocky yourself in no time.

I will.

Come on, let's go into town
and look around.

- I thought you said no sheila.
- There's no harm in letting them look.

Give them something to wish for.

I'm sorry, boys, that's all there is.

She'll either be wanting money
or a wedding ring.

Bloody hell, she's having another kid.

I told you not to go home last time.

What in heaven
have you got on your head?

Isn't it glorious?
Luddie, we had the best time.

Meggie took me into Dungloe,
Christmas shopping.

She did?

What next?
There's a letter in there for you.

Thanks.

Bad girl, I could do that well.

I'm sorry.

Meggie, what is it?

Luke's not taking me home
for Christmas after all.

He and Arne have found some extra work.

Doesn't that man do anything but work?

This dream of his to have the best place
in Australia comes before everything.

We've been here almost a year
and now he says...

it may be another year
before we're ready, maybe two.

I suppose you have to respect him
for having a goal...

and being willing to sacrifice for it.

Yes.

Except I'm the sacrifice.

Well, I've no one to blame but myself.

I've married Luke and I'll see it through.

Oh, rubbish!

You wouldn't understand,
you're not a Catholic.

Another load of rubbish.

Will you stop clattering about...

and sit down
and tell me what you really want?

I'll never have what I really want.

But when I married Luke
I thought I'd have something of my own.

And here I am with no home...

no babies...

no money...

and no husband, for that matter.

I know it's not like
having your own place...

but as far as children are concerned,
Luddie and I would love it.

I could never have any.

Well, I have been thinking...

that if we were to have a baby...

maybe Luke would be willing
to settle down and buy the station sooner.

- Or at least get us our own house.
- Then do it!

It's not that easy.

What? You mean,
because Luke is here so seldom.

No.

Well, yes.

It's just that...

the few times that
we have been together...

Luke has seen to it that...

Good Lord, girl, out with it.

You have the face of an angel
and the body of a goddess...

and you don't know
how to make a man get you pregnant.

What you need is a good education.

Lady Chatterley's Lover.

And Henry Miller.

Definitely Henry Miller!

It's true that we do much that is good...

but often the sacrifices
seem to outweigh the rewards.

But doesn't every priest,
whatever he is in the Church...

wonder about the sacrifices
he must make?

Always, if he is honest with himself.

When we're young it is the promise
of chastity that is hardest to bear...

isn't it?

Never to be swept away...

on a tidal wave of passion.

And then knowing...

that there will be no wife...

no soft...

round comfort in the night.

And no child.

No one to come after you.

Not ever.

But lately I've been feeling
another kind of isolation.

The simple human need...

to share my inmost self...

with someone...

like any other man.

We're not like other men, we're priests.

Our inmost selves must be shared
only with God.

Another perfect answer.

You think I am testing you again,
don't you?

Still probing for the sake of the Church.

Never fear, for all of my probing...

there is still in the very core of you...

something I have not found.

If you haven't found it,
perhaps it isn't there.

How lovely.

Still the faintest fragrance.

I kept a rose for many years...

from my mother.

I want no memories of my mother.

This was the sacrifice.

It is very fragile.

We must be careful with it.

Look what I've got here.

Hi, love. Happy 1934.

Luke, what on earth...

Don't just stand there,
get your dancing shoes on.

Are you off to a fancy dress ball?

No, it's a ceilidh. Out to Kanes'.

- But you're not a Scot.
- What's the difference?

We're better dancers
than those Scot blokes.

We ought to be.
We're out there every Saturday night.

But tonight's special.

To make up for Christmas.

I wouldn't miss this chance for the world.

Come on, that's enough.

Eleven tons I cut yesterday, mate.

I told you if you match my 12 tons,
I'll make you my partner.

I'll match you before the season's out.

- Two whiskies, thanks.
- That's 12 tons and a new truck.

With the money you've married,
you can afford it.

Too right.

And we'll get the best bloody truck.

Hello, sweetheart. Having a good time?

I think I'm about to.

Eleven tons, mate.

Let's see you cut 11 tomorrow.

Got to go, love. Work tomorrow.

Come on, Luke,
I've got something to show you.

Don't worry, Arne,
I won't keep your mate very long.

Meghann...

I can't stay.

I've got to start early...

you know that.

Why not start now?

Meghann, what have you done to me?

That was so wonderful.

We should always do it that way.

I shouldn't have done it like that this time.

You know we can't afford a baby now.

Just once isn't going to matter.

Or even twice,
so long as you know what you're doing.

I read up on it.

You will never tell me, will you, Ralph?

Your Eminence?

Why you remain so... deeply troubled.

I've recommended that you take up
my former post in Australia...

as Papal Legate.

You wish to have me sent away?

But why?

Have I not been doing well?

Well? You've had a brilliant career so far.

You've become an archbishop already.

And there is nothing...

to stop you from rising higher.

Nothing.

Except... the rose.

When your rose fell to the ground,
I understood at last...

the sadness
you always wear like a holy mantle.

I've tried so hard
to get her out of my heart.

- You think I don't know that?
- Then why?

Our God has given us free will...

and with that gift
comes the burden of choice.

It is time, far past time...

that you took up that burden...

because until you do...

you cannot go on.

But sending me back to where she is...

is like asking me to fail.

It's asking you to choose.

I think we've seen
about the last of the wet, thank heaven.

Three solid months of that rain is enough
to send a person round the bend.

- You say that every year.
- It's true every year.

It was the wet
when we first met, wasn't it, Luddie?

You were sitting in a mud puddle
as I remember.

In the mud?

Yeah, I fished her out, carried her home.
Ruined my only suit.

- And your life.
- And my life.

There.

It's absolutely beautiful.

I'll treasure it.

You can't do much work
during the wet, anyway.

Unless you're Luke O'Neill.

He and Arne are off to Sydney
to work in the sugar refinery...

until the rains are over.

How did he take the news about the baby?

Doesn't know yet.
I'm gonna write to him tonight.

This just might bring him around.

The main thing is you'll have that baby.

I will.

- It's been a long time, Father.
- Welcome home.

Thank you, boys.
The place looks wonderful.

We've had some rough phases.
But I think she's coming up right along.

- Fee.
- Hello, Ralph.

I should be kissing your hand
now that you're an archbishop.

Fee, not you.

How are you?

You never tell me a thing
when you send me your financial reports.

- Where's Meggie?
- Still in Queensland.

At least I guess she is.

Haven't heard a word since Christmas,
and that's been six months.

Queensland? Whatever is she doing there?

They're settling there, you know.

Although we're all wondering
if Luke will ever buy a place.

Luke's work takes him away
most of the time, I gather.

So Meggie stays with some friends of his.

Luke?

Meggie's husband.

Ralph, you didn't know Meggie married?

Little Meggie?

And no one told me?

- Blimey, did she never write to you?
- Luke's not Catholic, you see.

Meggie wanted to tell you herself.

You wanted her to marry.

In fact, you're quite good
at getting what you want, aren't you?

Mary Carson's been dead, how long?

And here you are, an archbishop already.

What kind of man is this Luke O'Neill...

that he roams about and doesn't even
make a home for Meggie?

The ambitious kind.

Thank you.

All right, you sent for me and here I am.
So what do you want?

You haven't come
since I wrote to you about the baby.

I'm sorry you're not happier about it.

I don't know why
you ever thought I would be.

I always told you
exactly how I felt about it.

Yes, you did. I was wrong.

But the fact remains
we're going to have a baby...

and we've got to make
some kind of home for it.

Too right.

And I'm supposed to just fall in line
and forget about all the things I want.

But we want the same things, don't we?

I mean, I want the station, too.

You've got a fair way of showing it,
giving us another mouth to feed.

Please listen, Luke.

You said you need about f5,000 more
to buy the kind of place you want.

At least that. And now...

- Then it's yours.
- What do you mean?

I mean that I can get the money...

if that's truly what's stopping you
from getting us settled.

- Where can you get it?
- What difference does it make?

- It's what you want, isn't it?
- Answer me. Where?

I wrote to Father Ralph in Rome.
I know he'll give it to me.

You what? Damn you, Meghann!

You mightn't have any pride, but I do.
I've never taken money from any man...

much less a flaming Catholic priest.
I'm not about to start now!

- Luke, listen to me.
- You made your bed, now lay in it.

Luke, please don't go.

Better let me.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going home.

- Home?
- Yes, home to Drogheda.

Because it's the only home I'll ever have.

Luke doesn't want me,
and he doesn't want a place.

He doesn't want anything.

Just to work his guts out
in that damn cane until he drops.

Have you lost your mind?
You can't go anywhere.

- You're about to have that baby, girl.
- I don't care!

- Meggie.
- I hate Luke!

- Stop it.
- And I hate this baby!

Stop it, Meggie.

She's not strong enough
to make it to the hospital.

So a cesarean's out of question.

You'll just have to hope she has
the strength to bear this baby by herself.

I've given her as much laudanum
as I dared.

- I'll go sit with her.
- The midwife's there.

- So Luke's come, after all.
- Luddie sent a lad to fetch her husband.

Yes, and I ought to thrash him.

If it came down to a choice
between Meggie's life...

and the baby's...

what would your conscience advise?

The Church is clear on that point, Doctor.

Neither may be sacrificed
to save the other.

You're a priest and I suppose
you must speak as a priest.

It doesn't seem so clear
to an ordinary man like me.

- Lf the husband were here...
- Lf I were the husband...

I think I couldn't bear to sacrifice her...

for anything.

Then she didn't know
that you'd returned here to Australia.

No, I thought it best.

Her letter was forwarded on to me
from Rome.

When I read it, I had to come.
I felt there must be something wrong.

We're just glad you did come, Your Grace.

It's good to know there's someone
in the world who cares about the poor girl.

No, thank you. I want to go back in to her.

Cares about her, Luddie?
If you ask me, he's in love with her.

Isn't she a beauty?

There's nothing wrong with you, is there?

Hush up. We could all use some rest.

Yes, I think we could all use a little rest.

Here.

I'm afraid dear Justine
is going to be a screamer.

She might as well learn early.

Meggie, all babies cry.

Yes.

Here you go.

I must go soon.

I expected that.

It's funny how you always show up
for life's great crises...

and then just melt away
like the Holy Ghost.

I'm sorry you're not happier
about the baby.

Before she was born...

I said I hated her.

I don't.

What I wouldn't give
if she were yours instead of Luke's.

Why must the Church have all of you?

Even that part of you she has no use for,
your manhood.

You already know the answer to that,
my Meggie.

It is a necessary sacrifice.

"Necessary."

Come off it, Ralph.

I'm not a child anymore.

And I'm not your Meggie! I never was!

All those years that I loved you...

and I waited for you, and I wanted you!

You never wanted me.

So I tried to forget you with someone else.

He doesn't want me either.

You think you're no ordinary man...

but there's not a penny's worth of
difference between you and Luke O'Neill.

You're both...

just great, big, hairy moths...

bashing yourselves to pieces
over a silly flame.

While all the while out there
in the cool night...

there's food and love and babies to get.

Don't you see it?

Do you want it?

No.

And so it's back after the flame again,
until it kills you.

God knows how much I've hurt you.

But I do love you.

Yes, you love me. And God more than me.

And yourself most of all, Ralph.

Yourself and your ambition.

This is very hard, I know.

But please, don't let it make you hard.

You've always been my rose.

The most beautiful human image
and thought...

An image? A thought?

That's all I am to you, isn't it,
you romantic, dreaming fool?

You haven't the least idea
what real love is!

Go away!

I can't bear to look at you anymore!

There's one thing you've forgotten
about your precious roses, Ralph.

They've got nasty, hooky thorns!

Bring the truck around.

Wait for me, please.

- Good day.
- I'm looking for Luke O'Neill.

He's down the end.

Getting a little close, aren't you, there?

What's a priest doing here?

He ain't giving me the last rites.

- Look for the lines now.
- All right.

- Mr. O'Neill?
- That's right.

- I've come about your wife.
- Meghann?

She's not any sicker, is she?

The baby was born on Wednesday.

A girl.

I'm Archbishop de Bricassart.

Saints preserve us.

The famous Father Ralph.

Mr. O'Neill, I'm very concerned
about Meggie and your daughter.

- They need a home and they need you.
- I suppose Meghann sent you?

No, but she wrote to me, as you know.

I can understand why you might not want
to accept my money...

but for Meggie's sake,
I urge you to reconsider.

- We can certainly make it a loan.
- Now, wait a minute!

Who the hell do you think you are,
telling me what we can and can't do?

- Meghann's my wife, not yours.
- Then be a husband to her, man.

If you can't give her the love she deserves
at least give her some kind of decent life.

She's not starving. And she's got the kid
she tricked me into. What's the complaint?

She can wait
till I'm ready to quit the cane.

When I'm offering you the means to have
what you say you want...

Do you think I'd take
a brass razoo from you?

Get out of here, Your Holiness,
and take your means with you.

- I work for what I have.
- Or marry for it.

Why, you flaming Catholic poof.
I ought to knock your head off.

No bloody fear.

I won't spoil your nice dress.

But don't let's talk about which of us
got the most of Meghann's money.

Go on, mate, we got work to do.

Good on you, Luke.

Another Christmas without Luke.

I think you have to face the fact...

that Luke may never leave the sugar
while he's got the strength to cut it.

I know. He loves the life, he really does.

Out there every day proving to himself
how manly he is.

Maybe if I were able to truly love him
it would be different.

It's the Archbishop you love, isn't it?

Always.

All my life I've cried for him
like a child crying for the moon.

But I've got to stop crying.

I'm not going to waste the rest of my life
dreaming of a man I can never have.

I don't know if I can wear Luke out...

or to wait for him to wear himself out
in that bloody cane, but I've got to try.

Why do you have to try
when he's brought you nothing but grief?

What else do I have?

And I've got to make
some kind of home for Jussie.

I owe her that much.

Yeah, sorry to keep you waiting.

That's the finest Christmas dinner
I've ever seen.

Listen to me for a moment.

Anne and I are worried about you.

You haven't gained your strength back
since Jussie was born.

What you need is some time to think...

time to rest, get away.
Figure out what it is you really want.

We're sending you away for a while.
And all on your own.

Away?

What about you?

What about Jussie?

It's all taken care of.
I don't want to hear any more about it.

- Good day, Sam.
- Good day, Rob.

Here we go.

That does it.

How do you do?
You'll be Mrs. O'Neill, of course.

I'm Rob Walter.
Welcome to Matlock Island.

Watch your step. Here we go.

Bye-bye, now. Best of luck to you.

We're supposed to be a honeymoon resort.

Perhaps Mr. O'Neill will be along later?

I really don't expect him.

The cupboards are all stocked.
If there's anything you need...

I'll call in every day at sunset
to make sure you're all right.

Thank you, Mr. Walter. Bye.

Father, please.

Help me get free of this.

Turn around, Mrs. O'Neill!
A surprise for you!

I've brought your husband!

They told me where to find you.

Forgive me.

No. Damn you.

No more.

I was afraid to sleep.

Afraid you'd be gone when I woke.

What are you thinking?

That in all my life
I've never awakened in the same bed...

with another human being.

That I'll never awaken again...

without wanting you there beside me.

That I've fought a terrible battle...

and I've lost it.

All those years of denying
that I was a man...

and all to find with you...

that I want nothing more
than to be a man.

That I'll never be more than that.

The day that I first met you
at the Gilly station...

you smiled at me.

Then you said my name.

Then you touched me.

And since that day,
I have somehow known...

though I never saw you again...

my last thought, this side of the grave,
would be of you.

And there's nothing I can do to change it.

You know how terrifying it is,
that power you have over me?

How could I fail to know?

Ralph?

When Justine was born...

you said I still saw you as a child...

or as some ideal image.

And it was true.

How else could I fight you?

To see you as you really are,
with a body that molds perfectly to mine...

and a soul that lies open to me...

would be to lose my soul.

And now, you think you have lost it...

just by being a man.

What kind of God would shut men
out of Paradise for loving women?

A God I still can't give up for you.

I know.

But now you're here with me.

And while you're here, you're mine.

What will you do now?

I have the house for two months.

And then?

- I'll write to you from Rome.
- No.

I don't want letters.

I may never see you again.

- As punishment for this?
- My punishment...

is never to be sure again...

that I love God...

more than you.

I have broken all my vows.

I know I can never have Ralph.

But at least I've got part of him
the Church can never have.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm leaving you.

A legacy passed down
from generation to generation.

You finally murdered your leading man.

I went to bed with him.

You are everything I want to be.

You know nothing of the man I am.

The compelling conclusion.

What else have I ever done
but pay for the great sin...

of loving Ralph de Bricassart?

The Thorn Birds.

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