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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,792 --> 00:00:06,252 [Ralph] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here... 2 00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:07,830 [Bill] How did they not shoot you in 'Nam? 3 00:00:07,834 --> 00:00:08,964 There's nothing but bamboo over there. 4 00:00:08,959 --> 00:00:10,329 What tree could you have possibly fucking hid behind? 5 00:00:10,333 --> 00:00:13,293 I heard Johnny had Rickles on the other night. 6 00:00:13,291 --> 00:00:14,881 That's fresh. 7 00:00:14,875 --> 00:00:16,575 Can't get any more "dog bites man" than that. 8 00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:18,003 This is Sparky. 9 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,040 You didn't think he would come to Hollywood 10 00:00:20,041 --> 00:00:20,921 to see his big-shot brother? 11 00:00:20,917 --> 00:00:22,497 He's not my brother. 12 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,170 - I can't see the weather girl! - [Sparky barking] 13 00:00:24,166 --> 00:00:26,166 - Sparky... - [TV static adjusting] 14 00:00:26,166 --> 00:00:27,416 I'm saying, your manager should get you gigs, and that's it. 15 00:00:27,417 --> 00:00:30,667 Shouldn't be trying to fit you into somebody else's box. 16 00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:33,207 It's nice having a comedian as a girlfriend. 17 00:00:33,208 --> 00:00:36,248 [Cassie] You've never called me that before. 18 00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:37,670 Is that what this is? 19 00:00:37,667 --> 00:00:39,287 [Bill] Gotta love the comedian. 20 00:00:39,291 --> 00:00:40,921 But to be honest, I was kind of hoping for the girlfriend. 21 00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:43,707 You don't think comedy lasts? 22 00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:45,539 We get something better. 23 00:00:45,542 --> 00:00:46,422 We get the moment. 24 00:00:46,417 --> 00:00:50,037 You know, we get the right-fucking-now. 25 00:00:50,041 --> 00:00:51,961 ♪ acoustic guitar music ♪ 26 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:57,790 ♪ jazz music ♪ 27 00:00:57,792 --> 00:01:02,212 ♪♪ 28 00:01:02,208 --> 00:01:03,458 [Edgar] Are you having a good time, ma'am? 29 00:01:03,458 --> 00:01:03,958 Really? All right. 30 00:01:03,959 --> 00:01:06,379 Tell your face. 31 00:01:06,375 --> 00:01:10,825 [laughter] 32 00:01:10,834 --> 00:01:12,584 [Sully] Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end. 33 00:01:12,583 --> 00:01:14,673 That means what? 34 00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,537 Comedians are coming home... 35 00:01:16,542 --> 00:01:17,542 from Canada. 36 00:01:17,542 --> 00:01:19,042 [wild laughter] 37 00:01:19,041 --> 00:01:20,381 [Adam] I used to do a lot of handyman work, 38 00:01:20,375 --> 00:01:21,995 growing up. 39 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,670 Mostly because my dad was in the business... 40 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,417 of breaking shit. 41 00:01:26,417 --> 00:01:30,247 [laughter continues] 42 00:01:32,542 --> 00:01:34,632 [Cassie] Well, what are you doing in here? 43 00:01:34,625 --> 00:01:36,745 That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself. 44 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:41,330 [laughter] 45 00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:42,753 [Edgar] All right, thank you, folks. 46 00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:44,080 You've been a... 47 00:01:44,083 --> 00:01:46,003 slightly above average crowd. 48 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:51,080 [laughter and applause] 49 00:01:54,875 --> 00:01:56,495 ♪ Jon Brion's "Punch-Drunk Melody" plays ♪ 50 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:59,540 [Mitch] I've been watching these Watergate hearings. 51 00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:01,582 I can't help thinking how much better a president 52 00:02:01,583 --> 00:02:03,583 you'd have made than Tricky Dick. 53 00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:04,333 Ha-ha. 54 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,463 I feel like a pig at a trough 55 00:02:06,458 --> 00:02:08,328 with all the material he's providing. 56 00:02:08,333 --> 00:02:09,793 That's hell in a handbasket. 57 00:02:09,792 --> 00:02:10,502 [both chuckle] 58 00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:12,880 [Johnny] Mitch, you got a light? 59 00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:14,625 Howard. 60 00:02:14,625 --> 00:02:15,825 [chuckles] Wow, good to see you. How are you? 61 00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:20,214 Enjoying the Roman orgy of comedy that is our presidency. 62 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,498 [chuckles] 63 00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,130 Glad you stopped by to say hello. 64 00:02:23,125 --> 00:02:24,705 Howard's gonna be on the show this week. 65 00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:27,499 Wonderful. 66 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:28,580 Well. 67 00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:30,963 Thrilled to have you back. 68 00:02:30,959 --> 00:02:32,789 Better lock the door. 69 00:02:32,792 --> 00:02:33,882 Ed's in the building. 70 00:02:33,875 --> 00:02:35,535 [all chuckling] 71 00:02:35,542 --> 00:02:37,292 Shit, uh, Mitch, can I talk to you for a sec? 72 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,921 Sorry, Howard, I'll have him back to you in a jiff. 73 00:02:40,917 --> 00:02:41,877 It's about his drinking at work. 74 00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:46,665 - Ah. - [laughs] 75 00:02:48,333 --> 00:02:51,503 Jesus, Mitch, Howard Leetch? 76 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:54,330 Last week it was Foster Brooks and Nipsey Russell. 77 00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:56,503 What are we now, a fucking Dean Martin roast? 78 00:02:56,500 --> 00:03:00,830 Why don't you tell that to Pepto-Bismol and Rice Krispies? 79 00:03:00,834 --> 00:03:02,884 Screw the sponsors. 80 00:03:02,875 --> 00:03:05,165 We're known for discovering comics, 81 00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:08,916 not reminding the audience which ones are still alive. 82 00:03:10,583 --> 00:03:15,383 I don't care if that kid stepped in front of a Boeing 747. 83 00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:18,375 Get the young guys back. 84 00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:20,665 [airplane engine roars] 85 00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,747 ♪ pensive music ♪ 86 00:03:22,750 --> 00:03:28,500 ♪♪ 87 00:03:35,709 --> 00:03:38,829 [Tawny] What about Disneyland? 88 00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:41,634 What about-- what about Disneyland? 89 00:03:41,625 --> 00:03:43,665 Didn't you ever want to meet Mickey? 90 00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:48,539 I want to meet Mickey. 91 00:03:48,542 --> 00:03:52,002 Hey, remember that girl who lost her mouse ears 92 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,880 on that people-mover thingy? 93 00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:55,575 She jumped on the tracks to get them 94 00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:58,543 and missed her car and ran out an exit. 95 00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:00,422 She fell 30 feet, 96 00:04:00,417 --> 00:04:02,457 had to be in a body brace. 97 00:04:02,458 --> 00:04:04,578 She had a pin put in her leg. 98 00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:05,883 Eat up. 99 00:04:05,875 --> 00:04:09,625 We gotta meet the mattress guy in an hour. 100 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:13,245 Would you jump 30 feet for ears? 101 00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:16,790 ♪♪ 102 00:04:16,792 --> 00:04:19,632 I have jumped a lot farther 103 00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:20,455 for a lot less. 104 00:04:23,917 --> 00:04:26,207 [chuckles softly] 105 00:04:28,709 --> 00:04:29,709 [fork clatters] 106 00:04:29,709 --> 00:04:30,709 [exhales sharply] 107 00:04:30,709 --> 00:04:33,709 [distant dog barking] 108 00:04:33,709 --> 00:04:37,749 [wet plunger plopping] 109 00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:41,580 You know in Detroit, the pipes can handle a man's business. 110 00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:42,673 I don't even own a plunger. 111 00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:46,457 Yeah, it's obviously some sort of LA plumbing defect. 112 00:04:46,458 --> 00:04:48,168 It's got nothing to do with 113 00:04:48,166 --> 00:04:49,626 the litter of piglets you just tried to flush, Pop. 114 00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:51,785 Yeah. 115 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,002 Whatever you say, Billy. 116 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,790 [dog continues barking] 117 00:04:55,792 --> 00:04:59,832 [crowd laughing heartily] 118 00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:03,084 [laughter] 119 00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:04,463 [Ralph] You know, I was watching Looney Tunes the other day. 120 00:05:04,458 --> 00:05:07,458 You know, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, and the boys. 121 00:05:07,458 --> 00:05:10,288 And they had this cartoon about black people called 122 00:05:10,291 --> 00:05:13,461 "Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat." 123 00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,458 [laughter] 124 00:05:15,458 --> 00:05:17,668 And I thought, boogie beat? Finally. 125 00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:20,457 A cartoon about my people with some soul. 126 00:05:20,458 --> 00:05:23,128 But this shit was about a bunch of black people 127 00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:25,285 living in a place called Lazy Town. 128 00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:27,251 [laughter] 129 00:05:27,250 --> 00:05:28,580 Now, first of all, 130 00:05:28,583 --> 00:05:31,253 my people built this country for free 131 00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:33,830 from 1619 till about 132 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,634 mm...yesterday. 133 00:05:35,625 --> 00:05:37,455 [laughter] 134 00:05:37,458 --> 00:05:40,168 So if anybody earned the right to take it easy, it's us. 135 00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:41,666 [laughter] 136 00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:43,497 I got so mad 'cause I was like, what? 137 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:46,290 Another racist depiction reinforcing the stereotype 138 00:05:46,291 --> 00:05:50,001 that all black people are lazy. 139 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,500 Now, I would have turned that shit off 140 00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:53,040 if my set wasn't halfway across the room. 141 00:05:53,041 --> 00:05:56,001 [laughter] 142 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,880 But in my defense, I did have my La-Z-Boy recliner 143 00:05:59,875 --> 00:06:02,825 set all the way back to righteous-indignation setting. 144 00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:04,544 [laughter] 145 00:06:04,542 --> 00:06:07,042 So I was comfortable and making a statement. 146 00:06:07,041 --> 00:06:09,001 [laughter and applause] 147 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,670 [cheers and applause] 148 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,207 [cheers and whistles] 149 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,538 You look like shit. 150 00:06:19,041 --> 00:06:20,291 I see somebody's been working on 151 00:06:20,291 --> 00:06:22,081 their people skills while I was away. 152 00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:23,713 [lighter flicks] 153 00:06:23,709 --> 00:06:27,879 I hear you been doing the Playboy circuit. 154 00:06:27,875 --> 00:06:30,915 How's that? 155 00:06:30,917 --> 00:06:32,037 Distracting. 156 00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:34,001 [scoffs] 157 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,330 You, uh, talk to the fellas? 158 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:37,503 Not yet. 159 00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:44,500 Sorry to hear about Clay. 160 00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:46,040 Good guy. 161 00:06:46,041 --> 00:06:48,831 Such is life, right? 162 00:06:54,041 --> 00:06:57,921 What can I do for you, Nick? 163 00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,417 I got The Tonight Show. 164 00:07:00,417 --> 00:07:01,787 Really? 165 00:07:01,792 --> 00:07:03,212 I go up Wednesday. 166 00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:05,038 [soft laugh] How'd you pull that off? 167 00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:07,581 Last week, 168 00:07:07,583 --> 00:07:09,673 working the Playboy Club in New Orleans. 169 00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:12,747 One of Mitch's scouts from The Tonight Show's 170 00:07:12,750 --> 00:07:14,750 fucking a Bunny there, saw my act, 171 00:07:14,750 --> 00:07:17,250 and I landed in LA this morning. 172 00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:19,080 Grandkids gonna love that story. 173 00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:20,923 [laughs] 174 00:07:24,917 --> 00:07:29,037 It's a lot more eyes on you, Nick. 175 00:07:29,041 --> 00:07:30,711 Been a good boy for two years, so... 176 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,130 That's good to hear. 177 00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:41,286 [drink pours] 178 00:07:41,291 --> 00:07:43,131 So how are you on fifth chances? 179 00:07:43,125 --> 00:07:45,455 [chuckles softly] 180 00:07:45,458 --> 00:07:47,708 How are you on other options? 181 00:07:47,709 --> 00:07:50,459 [Nick] If I had a hat, it'd be in my hand. 182 00:07:50,458 --> 00:07:51,168 ♪ Jon Brion's "Something You Can't Return To" ♪ 183 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:53,126 I need to go up. 184 00:07:53,125 --> 00:07:55,825 Wednesday's coming up fast. 185 00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:58,004 [Goldie] Can't get any further west than this. 186 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,040 ♪♪ 187 00:07:59,041 --> 00:08:01,461 You fuck up here, 188 00:08:01,458 --> 00:08:03,828 you'll be performing balls-deep in seawater. 189 00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:08,584 ♪♪ 190 00:08:10,542 --> 00:08:12,582 [sighs] 191 00:08:14,917 --> 00:08:17,997 When you want to go up? 192 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,630 Tonight? 193 00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:21,785 Be a nice perk if I could bump Bill. 194 00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:25,002 [scoffs] You are lucky you're a funny fuck. 195 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,880 Arnie! 196 00:08:26,875 --> 00:08:28,705 Just remember who your friends are. 197 00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:29,499 ♪♪ 198 00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,040 [crowd laughing] 199 00:08:31,041 --> 00:08:33,001 [Fitzy] Yeah, I used to wrestle in high school, 200 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,960 but as soon as I'd come, I'd quit. 201 00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:36,289 Alex, how are you? Was the kitchen on fire? 202 00:08:36,291 --> 00:08:39,501 Good to see you, kid. 203 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,080 Whoa, Jesus, not this asshole. 204 00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:44,253 Ladies and gentlemen, we got a special treat for you tonight. 205 00:08:44,250 --> 00:08:46,710 Mr. Nick Beverly. Nick Beverly, give it up! 206 00:08:46,709 --> 00:08:48,329 Come on! Let him hear it! 207 00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:51,923 [cheers and applause] 208 00:08:51,917 --> 00:08:52,747 [Nick] Thomas Fitzgerald, everyone. 209 00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:54,920 Let's keep it going for Fitzy, huh? 210 00:08:54,917 --> 00:08:56,327 [applause] 211 00:08:56,333 --> 00:08:59,173 This is Fitzy's home club. 212 00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:00,166 It's also his actual home. 213 00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:01,876 [laughter] 214 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,125 So if you're feeling generous, leave a jacket behind. 215 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:04,665 He'll use it for a blanket right here in about an hour. 216 00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:07,287 You got to be fucking kidding me. 217 00:09:07,291 --> 00:09:08,711 [Nick] How are ya? 218 00:09:08,709 --> 00:09:10,379 - Who is that guy? - [Nick] Looking good. 219 00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,165 Depends on the night. 220 00:09:12,166 --> 00:09:13,076 [Nick] Been thinking about social issues a lot lately. 221 00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:16,543 Lot of injustice out there, you know? 222 00:09:16,542 --> 00:09:18,542 Talking to a black friend of mine the other day. 223 00:09:18,542 --> 00:09:20,832 The whole time, I kept thinking, 224 00:09:20,834 --> 00:09:23,634 this guy's dick's probably bigger than mine. 225 00:09:23,625 --> 00:09:25,285 [laughter] 226 00:09:25,291 --> 00:09:26,881 Just not fair. 227 00:09:26,875 --> 00:09:29,375 That got me all philosophical, you know? 228 00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:32,995 I-I came to a conclusion that if every man in the world 229 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,540 had the same size cock, 230 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,332 there'd be no more racism. 231 00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:38,713 - [crowd reacts] - That would be it. 232 00:09:38,709 --> 00:09:41,709 Can we agree on a size? Can we put it to a vote? 233 00:09:41,709 --> 00:09:44,579 Show of hands here? Five inches, six inches? 234 00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:46,213 Can I get a seven? This guy's holding out. 235 00:09:46,208 --> 00:09:47,418 What do you want, 15? Come on. 236 00:09:47,417 --> 00:09:48,827 [laughter] 237 00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,384 I love, though, that you women want to have 238 00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:52,575 bigger cocks in your life. Love it. 239 00:09:52,583 --> 00:09:54,463 But why? 240 00:09:54,458 --> 00:09:56,998 Why, when you don't use the cocks you have access to now? 241 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,380 [laughs] 242 00:09:59,375 --> 00:10:00,075 [Nick] Seriously, you know if you got 243 00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:00,923 a bigger cock in your life, 244 00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:03,377 you would stop using it in a week. 245 00:10:03,375 --> 00:10:05,325 It's like that exercise bike you insisted on 246 00:10:05,333 --> 00:10:06,753 that sits in the corner of your bedroom 247 00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:08,380 with a bunch of dirty clothes hanging on it. 248 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,665 [laughter] 249 00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,077 Baby, you want to see eight inches? 250 00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:12,713 You come backstage and see me twice. 251 00:10:12,709 --> 00:10:16,249 [laughter] 252 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:19,130 I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. 253 00:10:19,125 --> 00:10:20,875 I'm doing Carson this week. 254 00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:22,075 - [man] Yeah. - [cheers and applause] 255 00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:23,083 Yeah. Wednesday night. 256 00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:24,793 [applause] 257 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,632 So I got to work on a couple jokes that don't have 258 00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:28,625 you know, dick and cock in 'em. 259 00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:31,955 I got two so far so I hope you enjoy 'em. 260 00:10:31,959 --> 00:10:35,709 [laughter and applause] 261 00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:38,999 [laughter] 262 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,830 - [Cassie] All right. - [Bill] So dickhead over here 263 00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:42,384 is at the bar with two cops, right? 264 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:42,995 - [Ralph] Mm-hmm. - [Bill] And-and, uh, 265 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:43,880 he starts pointing at me. 266 00:10:43,875 --> 00:10:46,245 Look, a bank had just been held up. 267 00:10:46,250 --> 00:10:48,630 There's red pubic hair all over the crime scene. 268 00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:50,705 It seems fairly obvious you're the prime suspect. 269 00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:51,709 Signature move. 270 00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:52,879 [all talking] 271 00:10:52,875 --> 00:10:54,125 Fuck you. Fuck you. 272 00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:54,995 Pubes are everywhere. 273 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,380 Fuck you. 274 00:10:56,375 --> 00:10:57,415 So one of the cops grabs Nick, 275 00:10:57,417 --> 00:10:59,457 slams him against the bar, and cuffs him, right? 276 00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:01,038 So I stumble over, I'm all shitfaced. 277 00:11:01,041 --> 00:11:01,961 I throw my arm around him and I'm like, 278 00:11:01,959 --> 00:11:03,749 what the fuck is going on? 279 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:04,790 [Edgar] Can you just cut to the part where you guys get 280 00:11:04,792 --> 00:11:06,672 locked up and start blowing guys for cigarettes? 281 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,497 - Come on. - [laughs, gags] 282 00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,000 This isn't about the Mexican day-care system, okay, Edgar? 283 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,500 Ooh. He knows your childhood. 284 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,170 [laughter] 285 00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:15,536 So, turns out Nick had said some not-so-nice words to the cop. 286 00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,672 Tell 'em what you said. 287 00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:20,377 Oh, that was a long time ago. 288 00:11:22,959 --> 00:11:24,499 - [scoffs] - Well, 289 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,080 they haul-so they haul us in, 290 00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:27,583 and then-then we have to, uh, spend the night in... 291 00:11:27,583 --> 00:11:29,503 [both] Protective custody. Yeah. 292 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:30,960 [Edgar] Wow. [knocks table] 293 00:11:30,959 --> 00:11:33,999 White people have the best jail stories. 294 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,170 [Ralph] That's some bullshit right there. 295 00:11:35,166 --> 00:11:36,576 If y'all were black, the story would have ended up 296 00:11:36,583 --> 00:11:37,963 of how the cops had to explain 297 00:11:37,959 --> 00:11:40,829 how you hung yourself with your own shoelaces. 298 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,334 [Cassie] Yeah, but, what I want to know, Nick, 299 00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:43,423 is where you've been the last three years. 300 00:11:43,417 --> 00:11:45,327 I mean, besides being on the T-and-A circuit. 301 00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:46,833 [Ralph] Yeah. 302 00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:48,174 Where haven't I been? 303 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:50,036 [Edgar] Probably blowing a bunch of guys. 304 00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:51,581 Fuck, Edgar. 305 00:11:51,583 --> 00:11:53,423 Little one-note with the blowjob jokes, right? 306 00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:55,707 I'm sorry, it's just like a song that gets stuck in your head. 307 00:11:55,709 --> 00:11:57,669 Come on, let him talk. I want to know. 308 00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:58,627 [Nick] All right. 309 00:11:58,625 --> 00:12:01,245 Yeah, Nick, where you been? 310 00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:03,710 Let's see, uh... 311 00:12:03,709 --> 00:12:05,079 - Did a lot of drugs. - [Ralph] Mm-hmm. 312 00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:07,083 - As you all know. - [Ralph] Yes, we do. 313 00:12:07,083 --> 00:12:09,213 Uh, lot of drinking. 314 00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:11,878 Banged my fair share of Bunnies. 315 00:12:11,875 --> 00:12:13,625 Found Jesus. 316 00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:15,035 Lost him again. 317 00:12:15,041 --> 00:12:16,581 [Ralph] Easy to lose. 318 00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:18,543 Entertained everything from running for office 319 00:12:18,542 --> 00:12:20,752 to holding up a bank. 320 00:12:20,750 --> 00:12:22,710 Worked blue collar, white collar, 321 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:23,879 you name it. 322 00:12:23,875 --> 00:12:26,165 And in the end, the only thing that made me 323 00:12:26,166 --> 00:12:28,576 not want to hook a hose to my exhaust pipe 324 00:12:28,583 --> 00:12:31,133 was being a fuckin' comic. 325 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,825 So I did the one thing that no comic's ever done. 326 00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:36,004 Pick up a check? 327 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,830 I got my shit together. 328 00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:40,384 [Edgar] I was sort of hoping it was gonna be pick up the check 329 00:12:40,375 --> 00:12:42,375 because I had a waffle and I only have a dollar. 330 00:12:42,375 --> 00:12:44,825 Fuck, Edgar. 331 00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:45,674 [Edgar chuckles] 332 00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:48,327 That's a great story, Kerouac. 333 00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:49,083 Thank you. 334 00:12:49,083 --> 00:12:50,753 But let's ask the real question. 335 00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:54,080 How the fuck did you get Carson? 336 00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:54,503 [scoffs] 337 00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:56,000 [chuckles] 338 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:56,920 [inhales sharply] 339 00:12:56,917 --> 00:12:58,577 Not gonna like the answer, Bill. 340 00:12:58,583 --> 00:13:01,753 Can't dislike it any more than I do the question. 341 00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:06,084 Well, Bill, 342 00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:07,833 it turns out 343 00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:09,884 that unlike you, 344 00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:11,745 I'm really fucking funny. 345 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,460 [laughter] 346 00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:16,538 [Ralph] One! Two! 347 00:13:16,542 --> 00:13:19,252 Three! He's out! 348 00:13:19,250 --> 00:13:21,130 [woman] ♪ The answer my friend ♪ 349 00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:23,995 ♪ Is blowing in the wind ♪ 350 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:29,040 ♪ The answer is blowing in the wind ♪ 351 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,131 ♪ The answer my friend ♪ 352 00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:33,785 ♪ Is blowing in the wind ♪ 353 00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:37,382 ♪ The answer is blowing in the wind ♪ 354 00:13:37,375 --> 00:13:39,785 ♪♪ 355 00:13:39,792 --> 00:13:42,712 [woman] Thank you. Uh, next song is about love. 356 00:13:42,709 --> 00:13:44,129 I had the tuna. 357 00:13:44,125 --> 00:13:44,915 Oh. Right. 358 00:13:44,917 --> 00:13:46,627 Tuna for the young Ingrid Bergman. 359 00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:48,125 Ingrid Bergman was a whore. 360 00:13:48,125 --> 00:13:49,455 That she slept with that Guinea director, 361 00:13:49,458 --> 00:13:52,038 a real piece of work. 362 00:13:52,041 --> 00:13:53,171 Okay. [nervous chuckle] 363 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,036 Can I get you guys anything else? 364 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,501 Some pickles would be lovely, dear. 365 00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:57,880 Pickles, sure thing. 366 00:13:57,875 --> 00:14:00,625 [woman] ♪ To hear I love you ♪ 367 00:14:00,625 --> 00:14:02,625 ♪ But not... ♪ 368 00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:04,245 Hey, Gracja, 369 00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:05,040 have you ever considered expanding 370 00:14:05,041 --> 00:14:07,291 the deli's entertainment to include 371 00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:09,381 actual entertainment? 372 00:14:09,375 --> 00:14:11,205 That not entertainment. 373 00:14:11,208 --> 00:14:12,128 Sister. 374 00:14:12,125 --> 00:14:13,325 ♪ Caress me so... ♪ 375 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:14,833 [Eddie] Well, you know, I was thinking 376 00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:16,964 an open mic for comics might work here. 377 00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:18,709 A lot of places are doing it. 378 00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:20,459 You already have the space. 379 00:14:20,458 --> 00:14:21,748 Might bring in a few extra customers. 380 00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:25,630 And comedy is very hot right now. 381 00:14:25,625 --> 00:14:26,995 If I do it, 382 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,830 will you stop talking jokes to the customers? 383 00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:32,044 If I'm not on stage, it'll be nothing 384 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:34,671 but soup of the day from here on out. 385 00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:35,287 Okay. 386 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,581 I try. 387 00:14:36,583 --> 00:14:40,423 But not paying anybody. 388 00:14:40,417 --> 00:14:42,537 You sure you never ran a comedy club before? 389 00:14:42,542 --> 00:14:43,422 [woman] ♪ I am a woman... ♪ 390 00:14:43,417 --> 00:14:46,377 Okay. 391 00:14:46,375 --> 00:14:48,455 ♪ Cherokee's "Funky Business" ♪ 392 00:14:48,458 --> 00:14:53,538 ♪♪ 393 00:14:53,542 --> 00:14:55,332 [doorbell chimes] 394 00:14:55,333 --> 00:15:00,383 ♪♪ 395 00:15:00,375 --> 00:15:01,575 Yes? 396 00:15:01,583 --> 00:15:04,003 Hey, I'm, uh, Adam Proteau. 397 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,580 Barton Royce sent me. 398 00:15:05,583 --> 00:15:06,883 You're early. 399 00:15:06,875 --> 00:15:11,325 Yeah, well, I hitchhiked, so it's kind of 400 00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:12,713 hard to be accurate. 401 00:15:12,709 --> 00:15:14,249 [song playing over stereo] 402 00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:18,630 ♪ I think I'll slide on out see if I can't find me ♪ 403 00:15:18,625 --> 00:15:19,915 ♪ Today ♪ 404 00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:24,917 ♪♪ 405 00:15:29,542 --> 00:15:31,792 ♪ Just can't seem to help myself ♪ 406 00:15:31,792 --> 00:15:33,502 ♪ I'm lonely ♪ 407 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,750 ♪ Say, I think I'll slide on out ♪ 408 00:15:35,750 --> 00:15:36,750 ♪ And see if... ♪ 409 00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:39,040 It's not a zoo, Adam. 410 00:15:39,041 --> 00:15:41,041 We thrive on discretion. 411 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,791 Yeah, I can see that. 412 00:15:42,792 --> 00:15:45,292 Ours. Not theirs. 413 00:15:45,291 --> 00:15:47,581 ♪ Too much funky business now... ♪ 414 00:15:47,583 --> 00:15:48,633 [song muffled] 415 00:15:48,625 --> 00:15:50,705 [Adam] So I don't think I caught your name. 416 00:15:50,709 --> 00:15:52,329 Sonja. 417 00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:56,673 So, this is your room when we don't need it. 418 00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:58,457 Hey, so them girls out there, they--they prostitutes? 419 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,498 Models. 420 00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:01,790 Barton didn't fill you in? 421 00:16:01,792 --> 00:16:04,132 Roof over my head, $25 a week, 422 00:16:04,125 --> 00:16:05,955 and handyman work, that's about it. 423 00:16:05,959 --> 00:16:08,829 We run an exclusive modeling agency 424 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:12,464 that caters to a very high-end clientele. 425 00:16:12,458 --> 00:16:14,378 Since when did models 426 00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:17,705 blow guys by swimming pools? 427 00:16:17,709 --> 00:16:20,289 Since always. 428 00:16:20,291 --> 00:16:22,291 Can't believe Barton didn't say nothing about 429 00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:24,831 this place being a whorehouse. 430 00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:26,044 We like to think of ourselves as courtesans, 431 00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:29,081 here to entertain members of nobility. 432 00:16:29,083 --> 00:16:33,633 You get a lot of nobility up in here? 433 00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:35,785 That model blowing the guy by the pool? 434 00:16:35,792 --> 00:16:39,462 She gets $1,000 an hour for her services. 435 00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:42,458 That fucking noble enough for you? 436 00:16:42,458 --> 00:16:44,288 Your work clothes. 437 00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:46,331 Don't be seen without them on. 438 00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:52,582 [sighs] 439 00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:59,167 You gotta be shittin' me. 440 00:16:59,166 --> 00:17:00,826 You're telling us we gotta risk our lives 441 00:17:00,834 --> 00:17:02,544 just because somebody might need help. 442 00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:05,002 [Cassie] What time is your family getting back? 443 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,830 [Bill] Dad took the dog to the vet. 444 00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:07,794 Susie went with him to take pictures of what's left 445 00:17:07,792 --> 00:17:08,922 of the Hollywood sign. 446 00:17:08,917 --> 00:17:10,957 What's the matter with him? 447 00:17:10,959 --> 00:17:12,669 Dad? Well, judging by 448 00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,497 the stool sample he provided the other day-- 449 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,630 Sparky. 450 00:17:16,625 --> 00:17:18,455 Who the fuck knows? He's old. 451 00:17:18,458 --> 00:17:20,788 Dog's a fucking asshole anyway. 452 00:17:20,792 --> 00:17:22,132 "Dog's a fucking asshole." 453 00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:25,415 You did not just say that. [laughs] 454 00:17:25,417 --> 00:17:27,077 You don't know Sparky like I do. 455 00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:29,213 The total dick. 456 00:17:29,208 --> 00:17:31,708 Fuck, he's a dog, Bill. 457 00:17:31,709 --> 00:17:33,709 Sparky's not just a dog. 458 00:17:33,709 --> 00:17:34,629 He's the son my father never had. 459 00:17:34,625 --> 00:17:36,075 Seriously. 460 00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,503 My dad would come home from work and 461 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,210 us kids and my mom would be there 462 00:17:39,208 --> 00:17:41,878 and he wouldn't say one word. 463 00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:45,375 He'd pick up that dog and he would hug it and kiss it. 464 00:17:45,375 --> 00:17:47,875 Not like we gave a fuck. 465 00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:50,625 Hey, you want to go to Canter's? 466 00:17:50,625 --> 00:17:52,375 Come on, your treat. 467 00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:54,375 [scoffs] Why? 468 00:17:54,375 --> 00:17:55,035 We have a full box of Lucky Charms 469 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,211 just waiting in my cabinet. 470 00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:59,038 Come on, the guys'll probably be there. 471 00:17:59,041 --> 00:18:01,711 It'll be good to get out of the house. 472 00:18:01,709 --> 00:18:03,289 "The guys"? 473 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,421 Like Eddie or Nick? 474 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,247 Or Sully and Ralph. 475 00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:08,000 [chuckles] Yeah. 476 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,750 What? What? 477 00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:12,420 You really gonna play stupid? Come on, Cass. 478 00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:14,167 You went all Pavlov's pussy the other night at Canter's 479 00:18:14,166 --> 00:18:16,286 every time Nick opened his mouth. 480 00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:17,881 - Jesus, Bill. - Am I wrong? 481 00:18:17,875 --> 00:18:19,825 Why do you have to be such an asshole? 482 00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,334 - You hung on his every word. - [sighs] 483 00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:24,253 The guy's fucking Clay without the tread marks. 484 00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:29,254 Cass, come on. 485 00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:31,710 I didn't mean it. Stay. 486 00:18:31,709 --> 00:18:33,749 Can't you ever try to be just a little bit better 487 00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:36,500 than you were the day before, ever? 488 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,880 Just this much? Once? 489 00:18:39,875 --> 00:18:43,035 All right. I'm fucking sorry! 490 00:18:43,041 --> 00:18:44,041 [door slams] 491 00:18:44,041 --> 00:18:47,291 [TV chatter continues] 492 00:18:47,291 --> 00:18:48,961 So you want us to leave this deli 493 00:18:48,959 --> 00:18:50,629 to go to another deli? 494 00:18:50,625 --> 00:18:52,415 - It's an open mic. - And it's gonna stay that way. 495 00:18:52,417 --> 00:18:54,077 Wait, what is this place again? 496 00:18:54,083 --> 00:18:56,633 Donimirski's, it's a Polish deli in the Valley. 497 00:18:56,625 --> 00:18:58,285 And you gotta order something to go up. 498 00:18:58,291 --> 00:18:59,961 - So make sure you bring money. - [Ron laughs] 499 00:18:59,959 --> 00:19:00,959 Wait, I gotta pay them to go up? 500 00:19:00,959 --> 00:19:03,629 [Eddie] I admit, it's not exactly ideal, okay? 501 00:19:03,625 --> 00:19:05,035 Do I get an extra five minutes 502 00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:06,461 if I order, like, a side or some shit? 503 00:19:06,458 --> 00:19:07,578 - [chuckling] Yeah. - Hey, do they deliver? 504 00:19:07,583 --> 00:19:09,633 'Cause I'll be anywhere except that fuckin' deli. 505 00:19:09,625 --> 00:19:10,625 [Eddie] Okay, I don't understand. 506 00:19:10,625 --> 00:19:12,125 we played strip clubs in Boston. 507 00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:13,575 Because we got paid and we were surrounded 508 00:19:13,583 --> 00:19:15,583 by naked women, not old people eating 509 00:19:15,583 --> 00:19:16,833 while God points to his watch. 510 00:19:16,834 --> 00:19:18,294 Hey, it's a place where we can go up 511 00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:20,041 to work on our material before we go up at Goldie's. 512 00:19:20,041 --> 00:19:22,171 Well, I do got some new material 513 00:19:22,166 --> 00:19:23,626 that could use some trying out. 514 00:19:23,625 --> 00:19:25,035 Sort of like a new direction. 515 00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:26,671 You think they'd be cool with it? 516 00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,957 Trust me, after a month of Bob Dylan's Polish aunt, 517 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,829 short of you playing soccer with a puppy, they're game. 518 00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:32,334 Well, all men suck, 519 00:19:32,333 --> 00:19:34,793 so the least one of you assholes can do 520 00:19:34,792 --> 00:19:36,632 is buy me some fries and a Diet Pepsi. 521 00:19:36,625 --> 00:19:38,375 That is the worst jingle for Kotex I ever heard. 522 00:19:38,375 --> 00:19:40,995 Uh, excuse me, can we get an order of, uh, 523 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:41,830 fries and a Diet Pepsi, please? 524 00:19:41,834 --> 00:19:44,174 Thank you. I'll pay you back on Friday. 525 00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:46,166 I know how you can pay Eddie back right now. 526 00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:48,916 He's looking for comics for his new open mic at Donimirski's. 527 00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:50,457 Is that a new club? 528 00:19:50,458 --> 00:19:51,208 [Ron] No-no-no-no-no, it's not a club. 529 00:19:51,208 --> 00:19:52,828 - It's a deli. - [Eddie] Mm-hmm. 530 00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:54,174 Like a deli deli? 531 00:19:54,166 --> 00:19:56,786 I'm waiting tables at a deli in the Valley 532 00:19:56,792 --> 00:19:58,292 and they got stage space so I just thought, 533 00:19:58,291 --> 00:19:59,881 you know, what the hell? It's... 534 00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:01,125 Hey, if there's a mic, an audience, 535 00:20:01,125 --> 00:20:02,995 and a plate of pierogies, I'm in. 536 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:03,920 [Adam] Wait, but what about Goldie's rule of us 537 00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:06,667 playing at other clubs? 538 00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:07,667 It's not a club. 539 00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:08,537 [both] It's a deli. 540 00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:09,582 ♪ funk music ♪ 541 00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:10,923 Jinx, you owe me a bag of coke. 542 00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:14,787 ♪ John Randolph Marr's "Hello LA, Bye-Bye Birmingham" ♪ 543 00:20:14,792 --> 00:20:18,632 ♪♪ 544 00:20:18,625 --> 00:20:20,875 ♪ I packed everything that I own ♪ 545 00:20:20,875 --> 00:20:23,495 ♪ I put it in a knapsack ♪ 546 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,130 ♪ I'm leaving Birmingham yes I am ♪ 547 00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:28,495 ♪ Ain't gonna look back ♪ 548 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:31,920 ♪ Bought me a guitar wrote me a song ♪ 549 00:20:31,917 --> 00:20:34,917 ♪ Played it for the DJ on the telephone ♪ 550 00:20:34,917 --> 00:20:37,327 ♪ Going out to Hollywood feeling good, yes I am ♪ 551 00:20:37,333 --> 00:20:39,083 [chuckles] 552 00:20:39,083 --> 00:20:42,003 My man from another land! 553 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,380 Oh, they...feed you Hollywood types well, huh? 554 00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:46,245 Well, I see you still ugly as a motherfucker. 555 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:47,500 - [laughs] - How 'bout that? 556 00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,130 Come on, let's go to the car. 557 00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:50,575 Mm. 558 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,463 Oh, man. 559 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,708 There's some white women here in LA... 560 00:20:53,709 --> 00:20:55,079 - God damn. - Oh, yeah. 561 00:20:55,083 --> 00:20:56,463 Like that? 562 00:20:56,458 --> 00:20:58,288 ♪ Eating a po'boy sandwich ♪ 563 00:20:58,291 --> 00:20:59,001 ♪ Taking drinks from a quart of wine... ♪ 564 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,040 God damn! 565 00:21:00,041 --> 00:21:02,211 No wonder most of us is in the halfway house 566 00:21:02,208 --> 00:21:02,998 'cause you fuckin' took the rest of it. 567 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,420 [both chuckle] 568 00:21:05,417 --> 00:21:07,747 Oh, look, that's how you know you made it. 569 00:21:07,750 --> 00:21:10,420 Black ass on a white couch, huh. 570 00:21:10,417 --> 00:21:10,707 You mind if I? 571 00:21:10,709 --> 00:21:12,749 Nah. 572 00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:14,330 - You wanna hit? - Nah, I'm good. 573 00:21:14,333 --> 00:21:15,833 Well, there's better than good. 574 00:21:15,834 --> 00:21:17,044 You know what? Other than in the case 575 00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:18,331 of a drink here and there, 576 00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:21,043 I don't trust the stuff. I'm clean. 577 00:21:21,041 --> 00:21:23,171 I buy that. 578 00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:24,166 Think it's really fucked up. 579 00:21:24,166 --> 00:21:26,996 - [laughs] - But I buy that. 580 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,000 [chuckles] 581 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,170 Mm. 582 00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:31,076 You build that? 583 00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:32,213 This? Yeah. 584 00:21:32,208 --> 00:21:34,998 Took me a couple of months. 585 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,830 But I am almost done. 586 00:21:37,834 --> 00:21:39,634 Little varnish... 587 00:21:39,625 --> 00:21:40,535 Oh. 588 00:21:45,125 --> 00:21:47,165 So what are you doing, man? 589 00:21:47,166 --> 00:21:48,956 I'm a security guard. 590 00:21:48,959 --> 00:21:50,169 That's cool. 591 00:21:50,166 --> 00:21:53,626 [coughs] Nigga, no it ain't. 592 00:21:53,625 --> 00:21:55,455 [chuckles] 593 00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:56,788 It definitely ain't. That shit sound terrible. 594 00:21:56,792 --> 00:22:00,632 [both laugh] 595 00:22:00,625 --> 00:22:01,125 I'm going to night school. 596 00:22:01,125 --> 00:22:03,455 Oh, good. Good. 597 00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:04,378 [Melvin] Mm-hmm. 598 00:22:04,375 --> 00:22:05,125 Refrigerator repair. 599 00:22:05,125 --> 00:22:08,035 [Ralph] That shit sound steady. 600 00:22:08,041 --> 00:22:09,881 Mm-hmm. Mm. 601 00:22:11,291 --> 00:22:13,791 [Ralph] Hey, what happened to that, uh, 602 00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:16,002 girl you were seeing, uh, Lorraine? 603 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,920 Oh, she gone. 604 00:22:17,917 --> 00:22:19,077 Yeah. 605 00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:22,880 Man, 606 00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:25,165 look at you, man. 607 00:22:25,166 --> 00:22:26,826 Hollywood Ralph, boy, look at that. 608 00:22:26,834 --> 00:22:27,754 [Ralph] [chuckles] 609 00:22:27,750 --> 00:22:30,040 It's a long way from 'Nam, ain't it? 610 00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:31,711 [Ralph] [sighs] Not long enough. 611 00:22:35,792 --> 00:22:37,672 You ever, 612 00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:39,877 you know, think about the shit we did? 613 00:22:39,875 --> 00:22:41,825 Why would I? 614 00:22:44,667 --> 00:22:47,667 Oh, 'cause you can't not? 615 00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:50,417 [exhales] 616 00:22:50,417 --> 00:22:52,037 Crazy fuckin' times. 617 00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:59,212 Yeah. 618 00:22:59,208 --> 00:22:59,708 Mm. 619 00:23:02,709 --> 00:23:04,289 - Yeah, give me that. - Yeah. 620 00:23:04,291 --> 00:23:05,381 [Melvin] That's what I thought. 621 00:23:05,375 --> 00:23:07,785 [both snicker] 622 00:23:07,792 --> 00:23:09,882 ♪ solemn piano music ♪ 623 00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:12,915 ♪♪ 624 00:23:12,917 --> 00:23:14,207 [Nick] I was recently performing comedy 625 00:23:14,208 --> 00:23:15,208 in Playboy Clubs across America. 626 00:23:15,208 --> 00:23:17,208 [scattered cheers, whistles] 627 00:23:17,208 --> 00:23:18,078 Yeah, Playboy and America. 628 00:23:18,083 --> 00:23:19,713 [scattered laughter] 629 00:23:19,709 --> 00:23:23,669 And what amazed me most was the amount of women 630 00:23:23,667 --> 00:23:25,997 who want to be Playboy Bunnies. 631 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:26,630 [scattered laughter] 632 00:23:26,625 --> 00:23:29,165 Yeah. I had no idea 633 00:23:29,166 --> 00:23:31,416 that there were that many shitty fathers out there. 634 00:23:31,417 --> 00:23:33,327 - [laughter] - Seriously. 635 00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:35,543 Playboy Bunnies don't just happen, people. 636 00:23:35,542 --> 00:23:37,882 All right, they're not born into the wild. 637 00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:39,325 A lot of serious parental neglect 638 00:23:39,333 --> 00:23:41,043 goes into the making of a good Bunny. 639 00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:42,421 [laughter] 640 00:23:42,417 --> 00:23:44,957 Dads, we got any dads in here? 641 00:23:44,959 --> 00:23:46,629 You show up sober for one birthday party? 642 00:23:46,625 --> 00:23:48,205 You're sending her down the slippery slope 643 00:23:48,208 --> 00:23:49,418 of a higher education. 644 00:23:49,417 --> 00:23:52,747 - [laughter] - I promise you that... 645 00:23:52,750 --> 00:23:53,920 Hey, you seen Cassie? 646 00:23:53,917 --> 00:23:56,127 No. 647 00:23:56,125 --> 00:23:57,285 Hey, 648 00:23:57,291 --> 00:23:59,211 he can't do any of this on Carson. 649 00:23:59,208 --> 00:24:00,578 His first five minutes were Carson. 650 00:24:00,583 --> 00:24:02,793 This is actual humor. 651 00:24:02,792 --> 00:24:04,332 Billy. 652 00:24:04,333 --> 00:24:07,833 I think we're gonna get going. 653 00:24:07,834 --> 00:24:09,254 What? I'm going up. 654 00:24:09,250 --> 00:24:11,500 Dad's worried about Sparky. 655 00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:12,130 Sparky's fine, Dad. 656 00:24:12,125 --> 00:24:14,625 He's been alone too long, 657 00:24:14,625 --> 00:24:17,415 and unless you want dog piss all over the place... 658 00:24:17,417 --> 00:24:18,207 I'm up next. 659 00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:20,578 Fifteen minutes. 660 00:24:20,583 --> 00:24:22,793 We'll be home within the hour. 661 00:24:22,792 --> 00:24:25,792 [Nick continuing] And rats? 662 00:24:25,792 --> 00:24:28,292 [sighs] All right. 663 00:24:28,291 --> 00:24:30,961 [Nick continuing] And turn it into a shittier diamond. 664 00:24:30,959 --> 00:24:32,459 I'm not married. 665 00:24:32,458 --> 00:24:33,458 I am looking, though. Relationships are hard. 666 00:24:33,458 --> 00:24:36,128 What do you think? You know? Really. 667 00:24:36,125 --> 00:24:37,825 I feel like animals have it the best. 668 00:24:37,834 --> 00:24:38,884 Two dogs meet. 669 00:24:38,875 --> 00:24:40,535 A sniff here, sniff there. 670 00:24:40,542 --> 00:24:41,292 [laughter] 671 00:24:41,291 --> 00:24:42,791 They get to have sex, 672 00:24:42,792 --> 00:24:44,582 and then it's right back to chasing squirrels. 673 00:24:44,583 --> 00:24:46,543 [laughter] 674 00:24:46,542 --> 00:24:47,292 No one's mad that no one called. 675 00:24:47,291 --> 00:24:50,331 You know, there's no guilt trip. 676 00:24:50,333 --> 00:24:53,133 You never get one of those... [as dog] Spike? 677 00:24:53,125 --> 00:24:55,785 Yeah, it's Fluffy. 678 00:24:55,792 --> 00:25:00,042 Fluffy, white terrier, remember? [soft chuckle] 679 00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:03,251 You were off your leash, I was in heat? [soft chuckle] 680 00:25:03,250 --> 00:25:05,330 You said my bark was 681 00:25:05,333 --> 00:25:06,293 infectious. 682 00:25:06,291 --> 00:25:08,211 [laughter] 683 00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:09,378 [as Spike] Uh, Fluffy, ye-uh-yeah, 684 00:25:09,375 --> 00:25:12,205 I was-I was gonna call. [stammers] I was just gonna 685 00:25:12,208 --> 00:25:13,628 just gonna call. [chuckles] 686 00:25:13,625 --> 00:25:15,705 [as Fluffy] Don't, Spike, don't. 687 00:25:15,709 --> 00:25:18,579 You demean us both when you lie, okay? 688 00:25:18,583 --> 00:25:20,293 [laughter] 689 00:25:20,291 --> 00:25:23,001 [as Spike] Fluffy, just let me come over. 690 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,540 We can just...talk. 691 00:25:25,542 --> 00:25:26,332 [as Fluffy] [scoffs] 692 00:25:26,333 --> 00:25:28,583 [scoffs] "Just talk." 693 00:25:28,583 --> 00:25:29,333 [laughter] 694 00:25:29,333 --> 00:25:31,293 You think I was born yesterday? 695 00:25:31,291 --> 00:25:33,171 I'm two for Chrissake. 696 00:25:33,166 --> 00:25:35,826 [laughter] 697 00:25:35,834 --> 00:25:37,674 [as Spike] Fluffy, why-why-why does it have to be like this? 698 00:25:37,667 --> 00:25:40,627 [as Fluffy] You're not hearing me, Spike. 699 00:25:40,625 --> 00:25:42,535 [laughter] 700 00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:43,752 You're not hearing me, okay? 701 00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,790 If we're out, and I feel your wet snout rub across 702 00:25:46,792 --> 00:25:49,252 my deliciously beautiful tight, puckered anus... 703 00:25:49,250 --> 00:25:50,710 [laughter and groans] 704 00:25:50,709 --> 00:25:53,289 I will take that as an act of aggression 705 00:25:53,291 --> 00:25:55,381 and I swear, I will rip that tube of lipstick you call a cock 706 00:25:55,375 --> 00:25:57,785 right out of its socket! 707 00:25:57,792 --> 00:25:59,542 [laughter and applause] 708 00:25:59,542 --> 00:26:02,632 [cheers and applause] 709 00:26:04,834 --> 00:26:05,674 True. 710 00:26:05,667 --> 00:26:08,247 [cheers and applause] 711 00:26:08,250 --> 00:26:10,380 Well, thank you. 712 00:26:10,375 --> 00:26:13,955 Uh, you been a great audience, 713 00:26:13,959 --> 00:26:14,919 slightly on the older side, 714 00:26:14,917 --> 00:26:17,627 so I appreciate you coming out so late, 715 00:26:17,625 --> 00:26:18,705 seeing how it's nine o'clock and a lot of you 716 00:26:18,709 --> 00:26:21,289 have to get up for breakfast in about an hour. 717 00:26:21,291 --> 00:26:23,041 [clears throat] 718 00:26:23,041 --> 00:26:24,381 Uh--uh-huh. 719 00:26:24,375 --> 00:26:27,245 [indistinct talking] 720 00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:29,330 We are out of the beef barley soup. 721 00:26:29,333 --> 00:26:32,333 86 beef barley. 722 00:26:32,333 --> 00:26:33,633 Okay. 723 00:26:33,625 --> 00:26:36,125 Our next comic is a very funny guy, 724 00:26:36,125 --> 00:26:38,705 Adam Proteau, he will be up here shortly. 725 00:26:38,709 --> 00:26:40,629 Thanks. 726 00:26:40,625 --> 00:26:42,205 Hey, you sure that anything goes here? 727 00:26:42,208 --> 00:26:43,748 'Cause all of my stuff is still pretty raw. 728 00:26:43,750 --> 00:26:45,420 Well, that's what places like this are for. 729 00:26:45,417 --> 00:26:48,037 - Okay. - [exhales] 730 00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:49,251 It looks like a George Romero movie in here. 731 00:26:49,250 --> 00:26:51,420 [Adam] Give it up for Eddie Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen... 732 00:26:51,417 --> 00:26:52,917 Hey, this is how you get better, okay? 733 00:26:52,917 --> 00:26:54,577 Expand your audience. 734 00:26:54,583 --> 00:26:55,753 Play in rooms you're not supposed to be in. 735 00:26:55,750 --> 00:26:57,420 Yeah, I mean, I definitely agree about 736 00:26:57,417 --> 00:26:59,077 the "I'm not supposed to be in here" part. 737 00:26:59,083 --> 00:26:59,583 [Adam] Um, my name's Adam... 738 00:26:59,583 --> 00:27:03,423 Man, I'm sorry, I... 739 00:27:03,417 --> 00:27:05,877 Well, tonight I want to talk to y'all about fucking. 740 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:11,380 Oh, God. 741 00:27:11,375 --> 00:27:13,665 But you--y'all- y'all still fucking, right? 742 00:27:13,667 --> 00:27:16,627 Melvin, get your black ass out here. 743 00:27:16,625 --> 00:27:17,665 [Melvin] Coming, man. 744 00:27:17,667 --> 00:27:19,667 [chuckles] [mutters] 745 00:27:19,667 --> 00:27:21,167 This is what you wearing? 746 00:27:21,166 --> 00:27:22,126 What, something wrong? 747 00:27:22,125 --> 00:27:23,785 Man, the war is over, man. 748 00:27:23,792 --> 00:27:25,962 Why you holding onto this? This shit is beat. 749 00:27:25,959 --> 00:27:28,499 Oh. [sighs] 750 00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:30,710 You know, when I was there, all I could think about was here. 751 00:27:30,709 --> 00:27:32,169 And now I'm here, all I think about is there. 752 00:27:32,166 --> 00:27:32,916 Man, you... 753 00:27:32,917 --> 00:27:35,127 That's your problem. You stuck. 754 00:27:35,125 --> 00:27:37,125 You think a cop wears his uniform when he's off-duty? 755 00:27:37,125 --> 00:27:38,955 Hell no. You off-duty. 756 00:27:38,959 --> 00:27:39,959 Now, give me that. 757 00:27:39,959 --> 00:27:40,749 Give you what? 758 00:27:40,750 --> 00:27:42,080 That jacket. 759 00:27:42,083 --> 00:27:44,793 Look, my weight has fluctuated over the years 760 00:27:44,792 --> 00:27:46,632 so I'm sure I got something in my closet that'll fit you. 761 00:27:46,625 --> 00:27:47,535 Now, give me this. 762 00:27:47,542 --> 00:27:49,752 [softly] No, man. 763 00:27:49,750 --> 00:27:51,460 Give me that jacket, man. 764 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,290 Ha, all right. 765 00:27:58,291 --> 00:27:59,831 There he is. 766 00:27:59,834 --> 00:28:04,384 Now, you hold on, let me get you some fly shit. 767 00:28:06,583 --> 00:28:10,583 [rock music playing over stereo] 768 00:28:10,583 --> 00:28:12,333 You raised by degenerate gamblers? 769 00:28:12,333 --> 00:28:15,753 No, salt of the Earth, the pair of them. 770 00:28:15,750 --> 00:28:16,170 Just didn't take. 771 00:28:16,166 --> 00:28:18,916 [chuckling] 772 00:28:18,917 --> 00:28:22,127 [Tish] Goldie tells me that Johnny's had a change of heart. 773 00:28:22,125 --> 00:28:23,625 You bringing the kids back up. 774 00:28:23,625 --> 00:28:25,455 Oh, yeah, I had to put my foot down with Johnny. 775 00:28:25,458 --> 00:28:28,538 I told him flat out, either you bring those kids back 776 00:28:28,542 --> 00:28:31,502 or you don't 'cause it's your show. 777 00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:33,210 - I only work here. - [chuckling] 778 00:28:33,208 --> 00:28:34,288 A call would have been nice. 779 00:28:34,291 --> 00:28:36,421 [Mitch] Pardon? 780 00:28:36,417 --> 00:28:38,877 You know, a phone call? 781 00:28:38,875 --> 00:28:42,245 Save you a schlep to New Orleans to find a fuckin' kid. 782 00:28:42,250 --> 00:28:43,710 [Mitch] [nervous chuckle] 783 00:28:43,709 --> 00:28:46,329 You are like a dog with a bone, did you know that? 784 00:28:46,333 --> 00:28:47,583 [clears throat] I told you, 785 00:28:47,583 --> 00:28:50,333 I had a guy who happened to be in New Orleans and saw him. 786 00:28:50,333 --> 00:28:52,253 He's gonna be playing your club all month long. 787 00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:55,080 We all win. 788 00:28:55,083 --> 00:28:57,213 You're just lucky you suck so bad at cards, 789 00:28:57,208 --> 00:28:58,498 that's all I'm saying, Mitch. 790 00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,290 - [chucking] - [Mitch] Oh, ho, well. 791 00:28:59,291 --> 00:29:00,961 - I love you, too. - [chuckles] 792 00:29:00,959 --> 00:29:03,249 You know who you got to get in your club? 793 00:29:03,250 --> 00:29:04,130 Is Riggs and King. 794 00:29:04,125 --> 00:29:06,745 My God, did you see those numbers? 795 00:29:06,750 --> 00:29:07,790 [Tish] 50 million people. 796 00:29:07,792 --> 00:29:10,042 50 million people. 797 00:29:10,041 --> 00:29:11,751 [Mitch] For tennis. 798 00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:13,210 Can you imagine what those numbers would be 799 00:29:13,208 --> 00:29:14,078 for something that was actually interesting? 800 00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,423 Well, networks are paying attention. 801 00:29:16,417 --> 00:29:17,167 They want to capitalize. 802 00:29:17,166 --> 00:29:18,956 Everybody is looking for things 803 00:29:18,959 --> 00:29:20,629 Jane can do as well as Tarzan. 804 00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:22,785 And what about comedy? 805 00:29:22,792 --> 00:29:24,582 I could put together a group of women, 806 00:29:24,583 --> 00:29:27,673 make them pee their pants faster than bad Nielsen ratings. 807 00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:29,667 [Mitch] Okay. Who? 808 00:29:29,667 --> 00:29:30,827 Diller? Rivers? 809 00:29:30,834 --> 00:29:32,544 We've seen the usual suspects. 810 00:29:32,542 --> 00:29:34,502 I'm talking up-and-comers. 811 00:29:34,500 --> 00:29:36,960 I got girls got bigger laughs in my place 812 00:29:36,959 --> 00:29:38,749 than you in a swimsuit. 813 00:29:38,750 --> 00:29:40,460 - [chuckling] - [sighs] 814 00:29:40,458 --> 00:29:42,078 Hey, you could call your special, 815 00:29:42,083 --> 00:29:42,833 "Girls Are Funny Too." 816 00:29:42,834 --> 00:29:44,384 - [Tish] Oh. - [chuckling] 817 00:29:44,375 --> 00:29:45,875 Eh, but only because 818 00:29:45,875 --> 00:29:47,575 "Men Are Sexist Fucking Pricks" 819 00:29:47,583 --> 00:29:49,753 wouldn't get past the censors. 820 00:29:49,750 --> 00:29:50,540 [laughter] 821 00:29:50,542 --> 00:29:53,422 Oh, I got the girls. 822 00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:56,207 You just wouldn't dare put them on. 823 00:29:56,208 --> 00:29:57,668 - I don't know. - Mm-hmm. 824 00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:02,455 [clapping] 825 00:30:02,458 --> 00:30:04,628 All right, let me guess. Brother and sister? 826 00:30:04,625 --> 00:30:07,285 Oh. 53 years. 827 00:30:07,291 --> 00:30:08,421 All right, that's disgusting. That should be illegal. 828 00:30:08,417 --> 00:30:10,787 [laughter] 829 00:30:10,792 --> 00:30:12,792 How long did you date before you got married? 830 00:30:12,792 --> 00:30:15,632 We didn't date. He courted me. 831 00:30:15,625 --> 00:30:17,785 "Courted." Oh, I love that. 832 00:30:17,792 --> 00:30:20,132 I haven't been courted since I let Gary Dorfheimer 833 00:30:20,125 --> 00:30:21,375 get to second base in a McDonald's parking lot. 834 00:30:21,375 --> 00:30:23,955 [laughter] 835 00:30:23,959 --> 00:30:25,879 So what do you think, is there any hope for me, even though 836 00:30:25,875 --> 00:30:27,415 I'm, you know, giving out free milk at McDonald's? 837 00:30:27,417 --> 00:30:29,707 [laughter] 838 00:30:29,709 --> 00:30:31,419 You just need to meet the right one. 839 00:30:31,417 --> 00:30:32,667 You know, that's what everybody says. 840 00:30:32,667 --> 00:30:33,877 You'll find the right one. 841 00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:34,875 Well, how am I supposed to recognize 842 00:30:34,875 --> 00:30:35,455 that needle in the haystack? 843 00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:39,578 The needle finds you. 844 00:30:39,583 --> 00:30:43,333 I was going after his brother. 845 00:30:43,333 --> 00:30:44,793 What a floozy! 846 00:30:44,792 --> 00:30:46,672 [laughter] 847 00:30:46,667 --> 00:30:48,497 What made you switch? 848 00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:50,290 He hears me. 849 00:30:50,291 --> 00:30:51,541 Oh, so, he's a good listener? 850 00:30:51,542 --> 00:30:54,882 Anyone can listen. 851 00:30:54,875 --> 00:30:57,125 Very few hear. 852 00:30:59,542 --> 00:31:01,382 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 853 00:31:01,375 --> 00:31:03,165 Don't rub it in, bitch. 854 00:31:03,166 --> 00:31:05,996 [laughter] 855 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,250 [Susan] You come up with that on the spot? 856 00:31:09,250 --> 00:31:09,630 - Well... - [chuckles] 857 00:31:09,625 --> 00:31:11,375 Sparky? 858 00:31:11,375 --> 00:31:12,495 - Sometimes. - Here, boy! 859 00:31:12,500 --> 00:31:14,290 [whistles] 860 00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:15,791 [sighs] Really fun tonight, Bill. 861 00:31:15,792 --> 00:31:17,172 Thanks. 862 00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:19,246 I haven't seen Dad laugh like that since... 863 00:31:19,250 --> 00:31:20,880 Mmm, Hiroshima? 864 00:31:20,875 --> 00:31:22,705 [laughs] You're terrible. 865 00:31:22,709 --> 00:31:23,459 - Well, it's true. - [Warren] No! 866 00:31:23,458 --> 00:31:25,498 No! No! 867 00:31:25,500 --> 00:31:27,880 [Susan's footfall] 868 00:31:28,625 --> 00:31:31,035 [Warren] Oh, God. 869 00:31:31,041 --> 00:31:34,081 He's barely breathing. Call an ambulance. 870 00:31:34,083 --> 00:31:36,133 I don't--I don't think they come for dogs, Dad. 871 00:31:36,125 --> 00:31:37,665 Then just bring the fucking car around! 872 00:31:37,667 --> 00:31:41,037 [Sparky whimpering] 873 00:31:44,709 --> 00:31:47,879 [breathes deeply] 874 00:31:47,875 --> 00:31:50,625 [Eli] You know, I really liked your idea last night. 875 00:31:50,625 --> 00:31:52,035 Hm? 876 00:31:52,041 --> 00:31:52,961 [exhales] 877 00:31:52,959 --> 00:31:55,879 The women in comedy thing. 878 00:31:55,875 --> 00:31:58,035 [sighs] 879 00:31:58,041 --> 00:32:01,671 The only time Johnny opens doors for women is in restaurants. 880 00:32:01,667 --> 00:32:02,747 Nah-nah-nah-nah, screw The Tonight Show. 881 00:32:02,750 --> 00:32:06,170 CBS would be all over this. 882 00:32:06,166 --> 00:32:10,956 Come on, Maude, The Mary Tyler Moore Show. 883 00:32:10,959 --> 00:32:13,629 Well, there's nothing like a dame. 884 00:32:13,625 --> 00:32:16,285 Why don't you put together a proposal, you know, 885 00:32:16,291 --> 00:32:20,541 see who you think makes the grade, female-comic wise? 886 00:32:20,542 --> 00:32:23,752 And we'll take it out. Together. 887 00:32:23,750 --> 00:32:26,790 Run it up Freddie Silverman's pole, see if he salutes? 888 00:32:26,792 --> 00:32:28,332 Why not? 889 00:32:28,333 --> 00:32:31,543 Would it make me a producer? 890 00:32:31,542 --> 00:32:34,252 It would make us producers. 891 00:32:34,250 --> 00:32:36,580 [soft laugh] 892 00:32:36,583 --> 00:32:38,173 I'm gonna do something for you 893 00:32:38,166 --> 00:32:40,746 I haven't done for a man in 20 years. 894 00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:42,130 Oh, yeah? 895 00:32:42,125 --> 00:32:43,285 Mm, what's that? 896 00:32:43,291 --> 00:32:45,251 Make you breakfast. 897 00:32:45,250 --> 00:32:46,460 [both laugh] 898 00:32:46,458 --> 00:32:48,288 [chuckling] 899 00:32:48,291 --> 00:32:50,831 - [man, muffled] Oh, yeah! - [bed creaking, muffled] 900 00:32:50,834 --> 00:32:52,714 [woman, muffled] Oh, fuck. 901 00:32:52,709 --> 00:32:55,169 - [man, muffled] Oh, oh. - [woman moaning, muffled] 902 00:32:55,166 --> 00:32:59,536 Oh, you gotta be shitting me right now. 903 00:32:59,542 --> 00:33:00,882 [man, muffled] Oh! 904 00:33:03,834 --> 00:33:04,884 Hey. 905 00:33:04,875 --> 00:33:06,995 It's eight in the morning. 906 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:08,710 You still got people going at it? 907 00:33:08,709 --> 00:33:10,789 You see a time clock? 908 00:33:10,792 --> 00:33:14,002 We're more of a "when the mood hits you" business. 909 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,040 You know how to work a washing machine? 910 00:33:16,041 --> 00:33:18,791 Yeah. Yeah, I guess, why? 911 00:33:18,792 --> 00:33:22,132 Maid's sick. Sheets need to be changed. 912 00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:24,205 Are you seriously asking me to wash a whole bunch of 913 00:33:24,208 --> 00:33:25,958 whores' comed-on bed linens? 914 00:33:25,959 --> 00:33:28,289 Use it as motivation. 915 00:33:28,291 --> 00:33:29,791 Who knows? 916 00:33:29,792 --> 00:33:31,212 Maybe one day you'll be successful 917 00:33:31,208 --> 00:33:33,578 and someone will be cleaning your comed-on sheets. 918 00:33:36,250 --> 00:33:38,380 I'm just saying it's not cool, man, all right? 919 00:33:38,375 --> 00:33:41,375 You--you just walked out on me last night. 920 00:33:41,375 --> 00:33:43,535 I wanted to perform at your deli, I swear, 921 00:33:43,542 --> 00:33:45,172 but this opportunity came up 922 00:33:45,166 --> 00:33:45,996 to shove an eight-foot cactus up my ass 923 00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:48,380 and--I mean, you see my dilemma here. 924 00:33:48,375 --> 00:33:49,325 You're such a dick. 925 00:33:49,333 --> 00:33:50,003 I mean, even Cassie gets it. 926 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,170 She was so good last night. 927 00:33:52,166 --> 00:33:53,076 Aw. 928 00:33:53,083 --> 00:33:54,673 People really respond to her. 929 00:33:54,667 --> 00:33:56,167 Is it just me, 930 00:33:56,166 --> 00:33:58,496 or did your dick move when you said that? 931 00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:00,580 Oh, I--I think it did. Yeah. 932 00:34:00,583 --> 00:34:02,383 Come on, man. 933 00:34:02,375 --> 00:34:03,665 Just give it a shot. 934 00:34:03,667 --> 00:34:04,207 - Dude, I... - Once. 935 00:34:04,208 --> 00:34:06,538 Come on. Come on. 936 00:34:06,542 --> 00:34:08,252 What do you got to lose? Come on. 937 00:34:08,250 --> 00:34:10,290 All right, all right, fine, fine. 938 00:34:10,291 --> 00:34:12,381 - Just do me one favor. - Sure. 939 00:34:12,375 --> 00:34:16,245 Move like four feet that way. You smell like a salami farted. 940 00:34:16,250 --> 00:34:17,880 Sorry. 941 00:34:17,875 --> 00:34:19,375 [Bill] He just buried him in my backyard. 942 00:34:19,375 --> 00:34:20,875 He didn't even ask. 943 00:34:20,875 --> 00:34:22,745 He just dug it. 944 00:34:22,750 --> 00:34:25,040 Now I got a big dirt speed bump on the way to my hibachi. 945 00:34:25,041 --> 00:34:26,671 Yeah, well, it's not like he could bring 946 00:34:26,667 --> 00:34:28,497 a dead dog back to Michigan, that's-- 947 00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:31,210 [Bill] He's not going back. Never going back. 948 00:34:31,208 --> 00:34:32,878 If he does, how's he gonna put fresh flowers 949 00:34:32,875 --> 00:34:35,125 every week on Sparky's grave? 950 00:34:35,125 --> 00:34:37,245 It's like fucking Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn. 951 00:34:37,250 --> 00:34:38,920 Hey, Bill, your dad is grieving. 952 00:34:38,917 --> 00:34:39,997 Why don't you cut him some slack? 953 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,250 [Bill] What? 954 00:34:41,250 --> 00:34:43,250 Why doesn't somebody cut me some slack? 955 00:34:43,250 --> 00:34:45,330 I'm the guy with the tomb of the unknown terrier in his backyard. 956 00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:45,793 Okay. 957 00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,712 Where you going? 958 00:34:47,709 --> 00:34:50,789 I got a singing telegram gig. 959 00:34:50,792 --> 00:34:52,712 Should I meet you at your place later? 960 00:34:52,709 --> 00:34:55,169 Yeah, I'm pretty tired, I think I'm just gonna do the gig 961 00:34:55,166 --> 00:34:58,076 and crash, but, uh, I'll call you tomorrow. 962 00:34:58,083 --> 00:34:58,423 Hey. 963 00:35:03,750 --> 00:35:04,460 I'm sorry 964 00:35:04,458 --> 00:35:06,958 about what I said about Clay. 965 00:35:06,959 --> 00:35:08,039 That's not cool. 966 00:35:08,041 --> 00:35:09,581 Yeah. 967 00:35:09,583 --> 00:35:11,253 No, I know you're sorry, Bill. 968 00:35:16,500 --> 00:35:18,500 ♪ Jon Brion's "Overture" ♪ 969 00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:20,880 [applause] 970 00:35:20,875 --> 00:35:22,245 Hey, Goofus, 971 00:35:22,250 --> 00:35:23,330 where's Gallant? 972 00:35:23,333 --> 00:35:27,383 Hosting an open mic at a Polish deli in the Valley. 973 00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:28,625 A deli? 974 00:35:28,625 --> 00:35:29,875 Like, where old people eat? 975 00:35:29,875 --> 00:35:31,455 Yeah. 976 00:35:31,458 --> 00:35:33,248 Why is it so gross for them? 977 00:35:33,250 --> 00:35:35,130 Like, old people are cute when they're shoving five bucks 978 00:35:35,125 --> 00:35:37,415 in your birthday card, but 979 00:35:37,417 --> 00:35:38,957 you ever watch them eat? 980 00:35:38,959 --> 00:35:42,039 I know, it's like swallow, then talk. 981 00:35:42,041 --> 00:35:43,581 Who would perform at a deli? 982 00:35:43,583 --> 00:35:46,003 Cassie. And me, apparently. 983 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,580 Cassie's going up at a deli, huh? 984 00:35:48,583 --> 00:35:50,833 Yeah, at Donimirski's in the Valley. 985 00:35:50,834 --> 00:35:51,964 Eddie set up this open mic thing. 986 00:35:51,959 --> 00:35:53,129 She's going up tonight. 987 00:35:53,125 --> 00:35:55,955 Bill, uh, this my buddy, Melvin. 988 00:35:55,959 --> 00:35:57,999 We were in 'Nam together. 989 00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,290 Oh, hey. Bill. 990 00:35:59,291 --> 00:36:01,171 Good to meet ya. 991 00:36:01,166 --> 00:36:03,576 I never met one of Ralph's 'Nam buddies before. 992 00:36:03,583 --> 00:36:04,753 Probably 'cause there ain't a lot of us left. 993 00:36:04,750 --> 00:36:06,670 [chuckles] 994 00:36:06,667 --> 00:36:07,577 Uh, Melvin, this is Edgar. 995 00:36:07,583 --> 00:36:10,213 Edgar, Melvin and I served together. 996 00:36:10,208 --> 00:36:11,878 Oh, really? What restaurant? 997 00:36:11,875 --> 00:36:13,035 [laughs] 998 00:36:13,041 --> 00:36:15,001 Just fucking with you, dude. 999 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:16,830 You might want to show a little respect. 1000 00:36:16,834 --> 00:36:19,174 Man was decorated. Man was a Sergeant. 1001 00:36:19,166 --> 00:36:19,916 [Ralph] Uh, it's cool, brother. It's cool. 1002 00:36:19,917 --> 00:36:22,327 Uh, this is what we do. 1003 00:36:22,333 --> 00:36:23,003 It's what we do, we fuck with each other. 1004 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:25,830 It's--it's no disrespect. 1005 00:36:25,834 --> 00:36:27,334 [Edgar, softly] Yeah. 1006 00:36:27,333 --> 00:36:29,833 Sorry. 1007 00:36:29,834 --> 00:36:31,174 It--maybe I just need a drink. 1008 00:36:31,166 --> 00:36:32,826 You know what? Let's get you a drink. 1009 00:36:32,834 --> 00:36:34,294 Let's all get a drink. Come on. 1010 00:36:34,291 --> 00:36:36,831 ♪♪ 1011 00:36:36,834 --> 00:36:38,884 [Ralph] Hey, Raquel Welch, let's get some, uh, 1012 00:36:38,875 --> 00:36:40,665 get some drinks over here. 1013 00:36:40,667 --> 00:36:44,287 ♪♪ 1014 00:36:44,291 --> 00:36:47,961 - Do you like mine? - Mm-hmm. 1015 00:36:47,959 --> 00:36:48,959 Excuse me. [clears throat] Excuse me. 1016 00:36:48,959 --> 00:36:51,539 Um, hey, sorry, uh, 1017 00:36:51,542 --> 00:36:54,172 hey, man, I just wanted to say how great your shit is. 1018 00:36:54,166 --> 00:36:55,956 And--and--and good luck on The Tonight Show. 1019 00:36:55,959 --> 00:36:59,459 - Thanks, man. - Yeah. 1020 00:36:59,458 --> 00:37:00,128 I should get back to work. 1021 00:37:00,125 --> 00:37:02,285 - Ah... - [soft laugh] 1022 00:37:02,291 --> 00:37:04,291 ♪♪ 1023 00:37:04,291 --> 00:37:06,041 I shouldn't--I'm sorry, I wasn't... 1024 00:37:06,041 --> 00:37:09,381 trying to... [exhales] 1025 00:37:09,375 --> 00:37:11,375 You could fuck her. 1026 00:37:11,375 --> 00:37:13,035 [laughs] 1027 00:37:13,041 --> 00:37:15,671 Yeah, I-I don't--I don't really get those hot chicks. 1028 00:37:15,667 --> 00:37:17,577 I get the--the chicks who look more like 1029 00:37:17,583 --> 00:37:18,883 when the Three Stooges dress up as--as women. 1030 00:37:18,875 --> 00:37:22,035 You know? [laughs] 1031 00:37:22,041 --> 00:37:24,081 - [clears throat] - That's a funny joke, man. 1032 00:37:24,083 --> 00:37:25,253 Thanks. 1033 00:37:25,250 --> 00:37:28,920 - Thanks. - You're a comic, right? 1034 00:37:28,917 --> 00:37:30,247 Yeah. In theory. 1035 00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:31,580 [Nick] Then you're in. 1036 00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:33,833 Look, all funny guys are damaged. 1037 00:37:33,834 --> 00:37:37,964 And for some reason, women, thank God, find that sexy. 1038 00:37:37,959 --> 00:37:39,709 And that is their damage. 1039 00:37:39,709 --> 00:37:41,919 ♪♪ 1040 00:37:41,917 --> 00:37:43,037 Right. Right on. 1041 00:37:43,041 --> 00:37:45,001 What's your name? 1042 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:46,170 Ron. Ron Shack. 1043 00:37:46,166 --> 00:37:47,876 Ron Shack. 1044 00:37:47,875 --> 00:37:50,245 What time you going up, Ron Shack? 1045 00:37:50,250 --> 00:37:53,130 Uh, watch won't work. You'll have to use a calendar. 1046 00:37:53,125 --> 00:37:55,285 I-I-I just do the open mic. 1047 00:37:55,291 --> 00:37:57,711 Oh, that's it, huh? Mondays? 1048 00:37:57,709 --> 00:37:59,419 Pretty much, yeah. 1049 00:37:59,417 --> 00:38:00,917 Just--it's not a lot of, you know, not lot of options. 1050 00:38:00,917 --> 00:38:02,457 I remember when I was first starting out, 1051 00:38:02,458 --> 00:38:04,578 it was pretty much here and old folks' homes. 1052 00:38:04,583 --> 00:38:08,043 I think that's still the case. [nervous chuckle] 1053 00:38:08,041 --> 00:38:10,581 Um, anyway, I'll--I'll--I'll leave you alone. 1054 00:38:10,583 --> 00:38:11,753 But, uh, good luck with everything, man, seriously-- 1055 00:38:11,750 --> 00:38:13,710 Hey--hey--hey, hold on. 1056 00:38:13,709 --> 00:38:16,579 I got a place you can go up right now. 1057 00:38:16,583 --> 00:38:19,503 ♪♪ 1058 00:38:19,500 --> 00:38:20,750 [Peter] What do you do? 1059 00:38:20,750 --> 00:38:23,960 How else do you handle what's going on in the world today? 1060 00:38:23,959 --> 00:38:28,789 War, riots, economy? 1061 00:38:28,792 --> 00:38:30,462 My mom's dead from smoking. 1062 00:38:30,458 --> 00:38:34,458 My dad's dead from trying to pay for her to live. 1063 00:38:34,458 --> 00:38:38,128 Alcohol's the only family I had left. 1064 00:38:38,125 --> 00:38:40,285 Or at least it was still talking to me. 1065 00:38:40,291 --> 00:38:41,501 [scoffs] 1066 00:38:41,500 --> 00:38:43,210 I just wish I was with people who understood 1067 00:38:43,208 --> 00:38:45,168 what I was talking about. 1068 00:38:45,166 --> 00:38:47,956 [chuckling] 1069 00:38:47,959 --> 00:38:51,419 [clapping] 1070 00:38:51,417 --> 00:38:54,207 What the hell are we doing here? 1071 00:38:54,208 --> 00:38:55,998 Said you wanted an audience. 1072 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,880 I'm not an alcoholic. 1073 00:38:57,875 --> 00:39:00,165 - Yeah, don't open with that. - Op--what? 1074 00:39:00,166 --> 00:39:02,126 Hey, everyone, uh, this is my friend, Ron. 1075 00:39:02,125 --> 00:39:04,075 His first time here so he's a little bit nervous. 1076 00:39:04,083 --> 00:39:04,753 [scattered clapping] 1077 00:39:04,750 --> 00:39:06,670 What the hell are you doing? 1078 00:39:06,667 --> 00:39:08,247 Get up there, say your name, 1079 00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:09,580 you're an alcoholic, and let 'em have it. 1080 00:39:09,583 --> 00:39:13,003 I don't really know you, but I think I might hate you. 1081 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:13,630 [pats back] Use that. 1082 00:39:21,959 --> 00:39:23,039 Hi, my name is Ron. 1083 00:39:23,041 --> 00:39:26,581 [all] Hi, Ron. 1084 00:39:26,583 --> 00:39:29,293 And I'm an alcoholic. 1085 00:39:29,291 --> 00:39:30,831 [clapping] 1086 00:39:30,834 --> 00:39:34,174 Oh. Nice. 1087 00:39:34,166 --> 00:39:36,996 You clap before I even start. That's awesome. 1088 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,040 [crowd laughter] 1089 00:39:39,041 --> 00:39:42,131 ♪ pensive music ♪ 1090 00:39:42,125 --> 00:39:46,285 ♪♪ 1091 00:39:46,291 --> 00:39:50,331 [crowd laughter continues] 1092 00:39:50,333 --> 00:39:53,333 [indistinct talking] 1093 00:39:53,333 --> 00:39:56,883 [laughter continues] 1094 00:39:56,875 --> 00:39:58,955 ♪ tense music building ♪ 1095 00:39:58,959 --> 00:40:01,249 ♪♪ 1096 00:40:01,250 --> 00:40:03,880 [Fitzy] I can't hear you! 1097 00:40:03,875 --> 00:40:05,455 [cheers and applause] All right. 1098 00:40:05,458 --> 00:40:07,378 That's what I like to hear. 1099 00:40:07,375 --> 00:40:09,455 [Fitzy] Okay, this next comic, he's a writer 1100 00:40:09,458 --> 00:40:12,038 on The Sonny and Cher Show. Huh? Not bad. 1101 00:40:12,041 --> 00:40:14,251 And-and, very talented, a walking argument 1102 00:40:14,250 --> 00:40:17,130 against "black is beautiful." 1103 00:40:17,125 --> 00:40:18,165 - [laughter] - Please, give him a big hand, 1104 00:40:18,166 --> 00:40:20,206 Ralph Carnegie, hey! 1105 00:40:20,208 --> 00:40:23,998 [cheers and applause] 1106 00:40:29,291 --> 00:40:30,921 Holy shit, man. 1107 00:40:30,917 --> 00:40:32,457 I still gotta go up. 1108 00:40:32,458 --> 00:40:34,418 To Ralph. [clears throat] 1109 00:40:34,417 --> 00:40:35,827 - To Ralph, come on. - To Ralph. 1110 00:40:35,834 --> 00:40:37,384 Yeah, okay. 1111 00:40:37,375 --> 00:40:38,665 [Ralph] This might come as a surprise to you, 1112 00:40:38,667 --> 00:40:41,457 but I was not a fan of the Civil Rights Act. 1113 00:40:41,458 --> 00:40:43,918 We loved having our own bathroom. 1114 00:40:43,917 --> 00:40:45,667 [laughter] 1115 00:40:45,667 --> 00:40:49,497 Finally, we have a place where we know for a fact 1116 00:40:49,500 --> 00:40:51,540 no white people would go ever. 1117 00:40:51,542 --> 00:40:54,922 [laughter] 1118 00:40:54,917 --> 00:40:56,247 The horrors that they must've thought was going on in there 1119 00:40:56,250 --> 00:40:59,380 when all it really was was... 1120 00:40:59,375 --> 00:41:01,955 [humming] 1121 00:41:01,959 --> 00:41:04,169 [laughter] 1122 00:41:04,166 --> 00:41:07,076 [humming] 1123 00:41:07,083 --> 00:41:08,713 Now, we love that bathroom, 1124 00:41:08,709 --> 00:41:10,919 but why did the black drinking fountain 1125 00:41:10,917 --> 00:41:12,957 have to be so shitty? 1126 00:41:12,959 --> 00:41:13,959 [laughter] 1127 00:41:13,959 --> 00:41:17,129 Just have two identical quality fountains. 1128 00:41:17,125 --> 00:41:18,745 One white, one black-- 1129 00:41:18,750 --> 00:41:20,750 Tell 'em about the gook that couldn't fly. 1130 00:41:20,750 --> 00:41:22,130 [crowd murmuring] 1131 00:41:22,125 --> 00:41:24,125 Ha, that's-- is that you, Melvin? 1132 00:41:24,125 --> 00:41:26,955 It's--it's my boy, Melvin, we in town, we just having a few. 1133 00:41:26,959 --> 00:41:28,419 [Melvin] Tell 'em. 1134 00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:29,577 Ha-ha, I'm--I'm a-- 1135 00:41:29,583 --> 00:41:31,503 Come on, Ralph. Tell 'em, man. 1136 00:41:31,500 --> 00:41:33,080 [Ralph] You know, I'm-- I'm working up here, Melvin. 1137 00:41:33,083 --> 00:41:34,083 - [crowd groans] - [Ralph] This is-- 1138 00:41:34,083 --> 00:41:35,713 Then what the hell you invite me here for, man? 1139 00:41:35,709 --> 00:41:36,959 I wanna hear some motherfucking jokes! 1140 00:41:36,959 --> 00:41:39,629 I'm telling jokes if you just give me an opportunity, Melvin. 1141 00:41:39,625 --> 00:41:41,575 - I got a joke. - [Ralph] I'm-I'm sure you do, 1142 00:41:41,583 --> 00:41:43,923 but this is my time, right now, Melvin. 1143 00:41:43,917 --> 00:41:45,997 Ralph and I served together in Vietnam. 1144 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,170 [scattered yelling] 1145 00:41:47,166 --> 00:41:48,416 [Melvin] And we was in this Huey. 1146 00:41:48,417 --> 00:41:49,327 And we had lost half our patrol. 1147 00:41:49,333 --> 00:41:51,963 And we--we had these two, uh, 1148 00:41:51,959 --> 00:41:54,539 two--two gooks, these two gooks, these Vietnamese soldiers... 1149 00:41:54,542 --> 00:41:55,252 Oh, oh, so sorry. 1150 00:41:55,250 --> 00:41:56,460 [Melvin] Uh, prisoners... 1151 00:41:56,458 --> 00:41:59,078 ...slope motherfuckers, and... 1152 00:41:59,083 --> 00:42:00,133 ...and they was just sitting there. 1153 00:42:00,125 --> 00:42:03,495 And one of them just pulls out a cigarette. 1154 00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:05,000 And lights it. 1155 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,750 That's enough, Melvin. 1156 00:42:06,750 --> 00:42:08,380 Now, now, ten minutes earlier, this motherfucker put a bullet 1157 00:42:08,375 --> 00:42:09,995 in our Master Sergeant's head, but... 1158 00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,250 ...but now, he just sitting there, just--just puffing away. 1159 00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:13,500 Okay, Bill. 1160 00:42:13,500 --> 00:42:15,500 [Melvin] [chuckles] Now, Ralph... 1161 00:42:15,500 --> 00:42:17,250 Bill! Get this motherfucker! 1162 00:42:17,250 --> 00:42:18,420 That didn't sit too well for--with--with Ralph. 1163 00:42:18,417 --> 00:42:21,747 - Come on, man. - Get off me! 1164 00:42:21,750 --> 00:42:23,330 [Ralph] Edgar! 1165 00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:25,003 [soft murmuring] 1166 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:25,880 [Ralph] Fuck is everybody... 1167 00:42:25,875 --> 00:42:27,625 Now, Ralph, 1168 00:42:27,625 --> 00:42:30,825 he... [laughs] 1169 00:42:30,834 --> 00:42:31,714 [laughing] 1170 00:42:31,709 --> 00:42:33,539 ...he grabbed that motherfucker 1171 00:42:33,542 --> 00:42:36,582 and he showed him how the door worked, 1172 00:42:36,583 --> 00:42:38,503 at 1,000 feet! 1173 00:42:40,709 --> 00:42:43,419 [Melvin] [chuckling] Can you imagine that? 1174 00:42:45,792 --> 00:42:47,632 Can any of you motherfuckers 1175 00:42:47,625 --> 00:42:49,285 imagine that shit? 1176 00:42:53,583 --> 00:42:56,253 And you remember what you said, Ralph? 1177 00:42:56,250 --> 00:42:58,330 [heavy breathing] 1178 00:42:58,333 --> 00:42:59,633 You said, 1179 00:42:59,625 --> 00:43:02,325 "Those gook motherfuckers can fight. 1180 00:43:02,333 --> 00:43:04,883 But they sure as shit can't fly!" 1181 00:43:04,875 --> 00:43:07,705 [laughing] 1182 00:43:09,458 --> 00:43:12,128 You remember that, Ralph? 1183 00:43:13,458 --> 00:43:16,248 'Cause I remember that shit! 1184 00:43:19,125 --> 00:43:20,825 I sure do. 1185 00:43:29,417 --> 00:43:31,747 Come on, where are you, Ralph? 1186 00:43:31,750 --> 00:43:33,000 - Do you know what you... - Where are you? 1187 00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:34,750 ...just fucking did in there? 1188 00:43:34,750 --> 00:43:36,830 My life's the truth, man. I live the truth every day. 1189 00:43:36,834 --> 00:43:38,584 You just hiding in plain sight out there. 1190 00:43:38,583 --> 00:43:40,173 The--you think you the only motherfucker with truth? 1191 00:43:40,166 --> 00:43:42,076 That's my truth! 1192 00:43:42,083 --> 00:43:42,923 You were there. 1193 00:43:42,917 --> 00:43:43,787 And now I'm here! 1194 00:43:43,792 --> 00:43:46,252 I ain't there no more! You hear me? 1195 00:43:46,250 --> 00:43:47,250 I ain't there no more. 1196 00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:50,130 Why aren't you? 1197 00:43:50,125 --> 00:43:53,955 Why am I the only one? 1198 00:43:53,959 --> 00:43:56,079 There's no man left behind, right? 1199 00:44:07,750 --> 00:44:09,500 [exhales] 1200 00:44:09,500 --> 00:44:10,880 [sniffs] 1201 00:44:17,792 --> 00:44:20,792 [laughter] 1202 00:44:20,792 --> 00:44:23,542 ♪ Jon Brion's "Punch-Drunk Melody" ♪ 1203 00:44:23,542 --> 00:44:26,082 Yeah, I mean--I mean it's no wonder I became an alcoholic. 1204 00:44:26,083 --> 00:44:27,793 I mean, when I breast-fed, my mother 1205 00:44:27,792 --> 00:44:29,252 was so hammered, 1206 00:44:29,250 --> 00:44:31,210 her milk was 12 percent alcohol by volume. 1207 00:44:31,208 --> 00:44:33,998 [laughter] 1208 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,750 When my old man would run out of beer, 1209 00:44:35,750 --> 00:44:37,420 he'd just push me out of the way and start sucking. 1210 00:44:37,417 --> 00:44:39,377 [laughter] 1211 00:44:39,375 --> 00:44:41,625 That's a habit that kept up after the milk dried up too. 1212 00:44:41,625 --> 00:44:45,075 [laughter] 1213 00:44:45,083 --> 00:44:46,293 Gosh, I gotta say, this has been 1214 00:44:46,291 --> 00:44:50,581 so eye-opening being here tonight with my fellow alchies. 1215 00:44:50,583 --> 00:44:52,833 I just feel really close to all you guys. 1216 00:44:52,834 --> 00:44:54,584 You know, wouldn't it be great if we could all just 1217 00:44:54,583 --> 00:44:56,753 fall off the wagon together, for one night, go get a beer? 1218 00:44:56,750 --> 00:44:58,420 [laughter] 1219 00:44:58,417 --> 00:45:01,167 Guess that was a joke. 1220 00:45:01,166 --> 00:45:02,996 Anyway, that's my time. You guys have been great. 1221 00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:04,750 - Thank you. - [applause] 1222 00:45:04,750 --> 00:45:09,750 ♪♪ 1223 00:45:13,709 --> 00:45:14,789 You really think he threw that guy from the helicopter? 1224 00:45:14,792 --> 00:45:17,962 No. Ralph's a fucking teddy bear. 1225 00:45:17,959 --> 00:45:19,539 His friend's fucked up. 1226 00:45:19,542 --> 00:45:21,332 Lot of those guys have chips. 1227 00:45:21,333 --> 00:45:23,503 War crime's a hell of a punch line though, huh? 1228 00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:25,580 Mm. It's Ralph's business. 1229 00:45:25,583 --> 00:45:27,003 We should probably shut the fuck up about it. 1230 00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,290 Ralph would never throw somebody out of a helicopter 1231 00:45:30,291 --> 00:45:32,581 unless, you know, there were, like, snacks involved. 1232 00:45:32,583 --> 00:45:34,543 ♪♪ 1233 00:45:34,542 --> 00:45:36,752 [both snicker] 1234 00:45:36,750 --> 00:45:39,750 Hey, hey where's the pride of Wink tonight? 1235 00:45:39,750 --> 00:45:41,130 She had a day job. 1236 00:45:41,125 --> 00:45:42,125 Then she said she was gonna go home and relax. 1237 00:45:42,125 --> 00:45:44,825 Mm. 1238 00:45:44,834 --> 00:45:47,584 She actually is doing a open mic in Woodland Hills. 1239 00:45:47,583 --> 00:45:48,883 What the fuck are you talking about? 1240 00:45:48,875 --> 00:45:51,995 Eddie started a open mic in a Polish deli. 1241 00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:53,380 People have been going up there, 1242 00:45:53,375 --> 00:45:55,875 and I guess he suckered Cassie in. 1243 00:45:55,875 --> 00:45:59,875 ♪♪ 1244 00:46:02,583 --> 00:46:04,253 Let's go. You're up. 1245 00:46:04,250 --> 00:46:08,080 Fluff-and-fold is closed. Clean your own jizz sheets. 1246 00:46:08,083 --> 00:46:09,043 Now. 1247 00:46:09,041 --> 00:46:11,131 ♪ funk music ♪ 1248 00:46:11,125 --> 00:46:13,625 [Sam] Come on, baby! Do your job! 1249 00:46:13,625 --> 00:46:16,535 [Sam] Come on! 1250 00:46:16,542 --> 00:46:19,582 I'm not leaving till I come! 1251 00:46:19,583 --> 00:46:21,793 This member needs to be escorted out. 1252 00:46:21,792 --> 00:46:24,462 Escorted? You don't escort no 1253 00:46:24,458 --> 00:46:27,128 200-pound angry-ass drunk out. Where's your bouncer? 1254 00:46:27,125 --> 00:46:28,955 We don't have bouncers. We're an exclusive modeling... 1255 00:46:28,959 --> 00:46:30,789 - ...agency. - Agency? 1256 00:46:30,792 --> 00:46:32,382 Jesus, Sonja, we passed three blowjobs on the way here. 1257 00:46:32,375 --> 00:46:33,915 Okay, the jig is up. 1258 00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:35,667 Just get him out. 1259 00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:39,037 I said I'm not leaving till I come! 1260 00:46:39,041 --> 00:46:42,291 Given the... nature of your business, 1261 00:46:42,291 --> 00:46:44,331 it's not too much to ask. 1262 00:46:44,333 --> 00:46:45,883 Fine. 1263 00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:47,415 Have at it. 1264 00:46:47,417 --> 00:46:48,417 Fuck. 1265 00:46:48,417 --> 00:46:51,207 Look. 1266 00:46:51,208 --> 00:46:52,958 I know you come here to have a good time, 1267 00:46:52,959 --> 00:46:54,629 but right now you got enough scotch in your system 1268 00:46:54,625 --> 00:46:56,625 to where you won't even remember shit, all right? 1269 00:46:56,625 --> 00:46:58,785 You have any fucking idea who I am? 1270 00:46:58,792 --> 00:47:00,542 Yeah. You're Sam Doak. 1271 00:47:00,542 --> 00:47:02,002 Big time agent in CMA. 1272 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:05,960 And I'm Adam Proteau, a struggling comic. 1273 00:47:05,959 --> 00:47:08,539 We--we met after one of my sets at Goldie's. 1274 00:47:08,542 --> 00:47:11,422 So you know who I... 1275 00:47:11,417 --> 00:47:12,287 Yeah. Yeah, I know who you are. 1276 00:47:12,291 --> 00:47:14,791 And now everybody else here does too. 1277 00:47:14,792 --> 00:47:17,422 Look, you come here to not be seen 1278 00:47:17,417 --> 00:47:19,497 so won't make too much sense to make one. 1279 00:47:19,500 --> 00:47:20,420 You dig? 1280 00:47:20,417 --> 00:47:24,707 [song continues over stereo, muffled] 1281 00:47:24,709 --> 00:47:26,419 Will you give me my trousers, please? 1282 00:47:26,417 --> 00:47:28,377 Yeah. 1283 00:47:28,375 --> 00:47:34,245 ♪♪ 1284 00:47:34,250 --> 00:47:37,000 All right, ladies, back to your... 1285 00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:40,580 modeling. 1286 00:47:40,583 --> 00:47:42,003 [Eddie] I'm seeing a lot of young faces here tonight. 1287 00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:45,130 Uh, personally, I-I can't wait to get old. 1288 00:47:45,125 --> 00:47:48,625 I-I been that way since I was little too. 1289 00:47:48,625 --> 00:47:49,995 Most kids, you know, they can't wait to turn 18 1290 00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:54,000 so they can drink or drive or... have sex. 1291 00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:55,290 [scattered laughter] 1292 00:47:55,291 --> 00:47:57,421 Not me. No, I wanted to be 80. 1293 00:47:57,417 --> 00:48:00,877 You know, I wanted nothing more than to sit on my front porch... 1294 00:48:00,875 --> 00:48:02,245 - ...fly undone... - [front door bell dings] 1295 00:48:02,250 --> 00:48:04,460 ...admiring a box of balls that kids hit into my yard 1296 00:48:04,458 --> 00:48:06,328 that I wasn't planning on giving back. 1297 00:48:06,333 --> 00:48:07,673 - [chuckling] - You know? 1298 00:48:10,917 --> 00:48:13,127 [Eddie] So, uh, anyway, 80 is-- 1299 00:48:13,125 --> 00:48:16,375 Hey, can somebody tell us what the specials are? 1300 00:48:16,375 --> 00:48:19,705 If you just wait a sec, your waitress will help you. 1301 00:48:19,709 --> 00:48:21,749 You're a waitress here, aren't you? 1302 00:48:21,750 --> 00:48:23,540 You're sure as fuck not a comedian. 1303 00:48:23,542 --> 00:48:25,132 Hey, Bill, don't do this. 1304 00:48:25,125 --> 00:48:26,535 [loudly] Do what? 1305 00:48:26,542 --> 00:48:28,462 Do everyone a favor by interrupting 1306 00:48:28,458 --> 00:48:30,788 so they don't have to endure whatever the fuck 1307 00:48:30,792 --> 00:48:32,542 this is supposed to be? 1308 00:48:32,542 --> 00:48:33,922 That was a good one. 1309 00:48:33,917 --> 00:48:36,537 I'm sorry, folks. This is Bill Hobbs. 1310 00:48:36,542 --> 00:48:37,922 You might know him from... 1311 00:48:37,917 --> 00:48:40,577 actually, why would they know you, Bill? 1312 00:48:40,583 --> 00:48:43,213 Stick to the specials. It's better than your material. 1313 00:48:43,208 --> 00:48:44,248 [Edgar, softly] That was like a B-minus. 1314 00:48:44,250 --> 00:48:45,670 Hey, can I go up? 1315 00:48:48,458 --> 00:48:49,458 Yeah. 1316 00:48:51,333 --> 00:48:54,543 [Cassie] Eddie Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen. 1317 00:48:54,542 --> 00:48:56,752 You know, there was a couple in here the other day. 1318 00:48:56,750 --> 00:48:59,830 They'd been together for 53 years. 1319 00:48:59,834 --> 00:49:02,384 Which, uh, is pretty sweet. 1320 00:49:02,375 --> 00:49:04,165 Maybe. In their case. 1321 00:49:04,166 --> 00:49:05,916 But for most of us, 1322 00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:08,457 our relationships, I think, are less 1323 00:49:08,458 --> 00:49:11,378 lifelong commitments and more 1324 00:49:11,375 --> 00:49:12,785 laziness and bad habit. 1325 00:49:12,792 --> 00:49:16,422 The telephone of a better life 1326 00:49:16,417 --> 00:49:18,747 is just ringing off the hook, 1327 00:49:18,750 --> 00:49:23,080 and we're too lazy to get up and pick up the phone. 1328 00:49:23,083 --> 00:49:25,333 Ring! 1329 00:49:25,333 --> 00:49:27,463 Hello? 1330 00:49:27,458 --> 00:49:28,578 Oh, what, 1331 00:49:28,583 --> 00:49:33,793 guy that, uh, wants to actually take me out on a date? 1332 00:49:33,792 --> 00:49:36,332 Like outside-of-the-house date? 1333 00:49:36,333 --> 00:49:37,543 Well, I'm gonna have to get back to you, 'cause 1334 00:49:37,542 --> 00:49:40,002 I'm really busy right now sitting on my comfortable couch 1335 00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:43,040 with my lukewarm boyfriend watching cartoons 1336 00:49:43,041 --> 00:49:46,131 in between rounds of ambivalent sex. 1337 00:49:46,125 --> 00:49:47,535 Ring! 1338 00:49:47,542 --> 00:49:50,792 Hey, guy that thinks I'm hilarious 1339 00:49:50,792 --> 00:49:52,962 and isn't threatened by my success. 1340 00:49:52,959 --> 00:49:55,919 I would, uh, love to go out with you, 1341 00:49:55,917 --> 00:49:58,667 but then I'd have to really take a good hard look at myself 1342 00:49:58,667 --> 00:50:00,417 and why I keep dating people that make me feel like shit. 1343 00:50:00,417 --> 00:50:03,287 Bye. 1344 00:50:03,291 --> 00:50:05,171 Ring! 1345 00:50:05,166 --> 00:50:06,326 Who could this be? 1346 00:50:06,333 --> 00:50:07,673 Hello? 1347 00:50:07,667 --> 00:50:09,377 ♪ soft pensive music ♪ 1348 00:50:09,375 --> 00:50:11,825 What? 1349 00:50:11,834 --> 00:50:14,834 Guy who hears me? 1350 00:50:14,834 --> 00:50:17,334 Who really hears me? 1351 00:50:17,333 --> 00:50:19,633 ♪♪ 1352 00:50:19,625 --> 00:50:23,665 Well, I'm just gonna have to take this call. 1353 00:50:23,667 --> 00:50:26,037 Um, can you just hold on for one second? 1354 00:50:26,041 --> 00:50:28,291 There's just something that I... 1355 00:50:28,291 --> 00:50:30,791 ...gotta take care of before we continue. 1356 00:50:30,792 --> 00:50:35,792 ♪♪ 1357 00:50:37,667 --> 00:50:39,327 Bill, it's over. 1358 00:50:43,166 --> 00:50:44,916 Go home. 1359 00:50:51,750 --> 00:50:53,170 [metal chair scrapes] 1360 00:50:59,083 --> 00:51:01,673 [door chimes ring] 1361 00:51:01,667 --> 00:51:04,707 ♪ solemn piano music ♪ 1362 00:51:04,709 --> 00:51:06,579 Well, I think I just invented open drama mic night. 1363 00:51:06,583 --> 00:51:09,923 Hm. 1364 00:51:09,917 --> 00:51:13,207 Yeah, well, if anybody had it coming... 1365 00:51:13,208 --> 00:51:15,248 There's got to be a reason I keep 1366 00:51:15,250 --> 00:51:17,330 sticking my chin out there. 1367 00:51:17,333 --> 00:51:19,543 ♪♪ 1368 00:51:19,542 --> 00:51:24,172 Clay wasn't like that, right? 1369 00:51:24,166 --> 00:51:27,166 He was a habit too. 1370 00:51:27,166 --> 00:51:29,876 A lovely habit, 1371 00:51:29,875 --> 00:51:32,455 but still a habit. 1372 00:51:32,458 --> 00:51:34,578 ♪♪ 1373 00:51:34,583 --> 00:51:35,883 Mm. 1374 00:51:35,875 --> 00:51:40,875 ♪♪ 1375 00:51:43,917 --> 00:51:45,127 [Bill] We should go on a road trip, man. 1376 00:51:45,125 --> 00:51:50,705 Just get in the car and... [exhales] 1377 00:51:50,709 --> 00:51:52,329 [Edgar] Where? Where we gonna go? 1378 00:51:52,333 --> 00:51:57,883 Oh, someplace where nobody knows who the fuck I am. 1379 00:51:57,875 --> 00:52:00,575 [laughs] 1380 00:52:00,583 --> 00:52:01,583 Fuck. 1381 00:52:01,583 --> 00:52:04,423 We don't have to leave Los Angeles to do that. 1382 00:52:04,417 --> 00:52:06,747 We can just park across the street. 1383 00:52:06,750 --> 00:52:08,210 [chuckles] Fuck. 1384 00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:10,708 Jesus. 1385 00:52:10,709 --> 00:52:15,289 I'm getting my ass kicked, Edgar. 1386 00:52:15,291 --> 00:52:19,791 I should be used to it by now, but... 1387 00:52:19,792 --> 00:52:21,922 [exhales] 1388 00:52:21,917 --> 00:52:25,127 You know, man, 1389 00:52:25,125 --> 00:52:27,575 you're--you're--you're close. 1390 00:52:27,583 --> 00:52:27,963 You're really close. 1391 00:52:27,959 --> 00:52:29,879 You just... 1392 00:52:29,875 --> 00:52:31,955 [sighs] 1393 00:52:31,959 --> 00:52:34,669 You just gotta stop fucking up. 1394 00:52:34,667 --> 00:52:36,287 All right? 1395 00:52:38,667 --> 00:52:41,207 I had this... 1396 00:52:41,208 --> 00:52:43,458 ...math teacher. 1397 00:52:43,458 --> 00:52:45,248 He said that nothing ever really touches. 1398 00:52:45,250 --> 00:52:47,540 That, like, you could take an object 1399 00:52:47,542 --> 00:52:50,382 and cut it infinite times. 1400 00:52:50,375 --> 00:52:51,995 It gets closer and closer, 1401 00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:54,960 but it never touches. 1402 00:52:54,959 --> 00:52:58,379 Maybe that's me. 1403 00:52:58,375 --> 00:53:01,665 No matter how close I get to anything, 1404 00:53:01,667 --> 00:53:03,747 I'm never gonna touch it. 1405 00:53:04,750 --> 00:53:10,380 [laughs] 1406 00:53:10,375 --> 00:53:12,825 I told you this is good shit. 1407 00:53:12,834 --> 00:53:13,924 - Yeah... - I gotta take a piss. 1408 00:53:13,917 --> 00:53:18,247 Can I just go inside? 1409 00:53:18,250 --> 00:53:19,880 Me too. 1410 00:53:22,667 --> 00:53:25,667 Hey, man, 1411 00:53:25,667 --> 00:53:27,827 maybe you don't have to go inside. 1412 00:53:27,834 --> 00:53:32,504 [Edgar laughing] 1413 00:53:32,500 --> 00:53:33,710 [Bill] I'm no mathematician, 1414 00:53:33,709 --> 00:53:37,709 but I'm pretty sure my piss is touching Sparky's grave. 1415 00:53:37,709 --> 00:53:38,499 [both laugh] 1416 00:53:38,500 --> 00:53:40,710 And I don't wanna be a buzzkill, 1417 00:53:40,709 --> 00:53:42,419 but of all the graves I've pissed on, 1418 00:53:42,417 --> 00:53:44,377 this has got to be the least satisfying. 1419 00:53:44,375 --> 00:53:48,205 - [laughs] - What the fuck are you doing? 1420 00:53:48,208 --> 00:53:49,708 [pants zipping] 1421 00:53:49,709 --> 00:53:50,879 [grunts] 1422 00:53:50,875 --> 00:53:52,705 [Bill] Dad. 1423 00:53:52,709 --> 00:53:53,879 Dad, please. 1424 00:53:53,875 --> 00:53:55,915 Get the fuck away from me! 1425 00:53:55,917 --> 00:53:59,037 [breathing heavily] 1426 00:53:59,041 --> 00:54:00,251 [Susan] Dad. 1427 00:54:00,250 --> 00:54:02,130 Dad, what are you doing? 1428 00:54:02,125 --> 00:54:04,035 You hate me this much? 1429 00:54:04,041 --> 00:54:06,041 [Bill] I don't hate you. 1430 00:54:06,041 --> 00:54:09,461 Dad, come on. 1431 00:54:09,458 --> 00:54:12,878 You're a sad fucking excuse for a son. 1432 00:54:14,417 --> 00:54:14,787 Get your stuff. 1433 00:54:14,792 --> 00:54:16,422 We're going. 1434 00:54:19,875 --> 00:54:23,285 [door opens] 1435 00:54:23,291 --> 00:54:24,751 [door slams shut] 1436 00:54:27,083 --> 00:54:28,673 ♪ light pensive guitar music ♪ 1437 00:54:28,667 --> 00:54:31,787 Are you mad I skipped the deli for an AA meeting? 1438 00:54:31,792 --> 00:54:34,922 Nah. Just wasn't for you. 1439 00:54:34,917 --> 00:54:37,997 Hey, listen, I think what you're doing... 1440 00:54:38,000 --> 00:54:39,920 ...it's pretty cool. 1441 00:54:39,917 --> 00:54:41,917 Thanks. 1442 00:54:41,917 --> 00:54:43,747 And I think what you're doing is fucking nuts. 1443 00:54:43,750 --> 00:54:45,960 [chuckles] 1444 00:54:45,959 --> 00:54:50,209 Or is it? 1445 00:54:50,208 --> 00:54:54,458 Ooh. Mm. 1446 00:54:54,458 --> 00:54:57,208 ♪♪ 1447 00:54:57,208 --> 00:54:59,828 So... how's this Nick guy? 1448 00:54:59,834 --> 00:55:01,674 I like him. 1449 00:55:01,667 --> 00:55:04,627 But... 1450 00:55:04,625 --> 00:55:06,125 I don't know. 1451 00:55:06,125 --> 00:55:08,415 He doesn't really look at you. 1452 00:55:08,417 --> 00:55:09,127 More like he looks through you. 1453 00:55:09,125 --> 00:55:10,785 You know what I mean? 1454 00:55:10,792 --> 00:55:13,042 Of course. 1455 00:55:13,041 --> 00:55:15,131 I'm a waiter. 1456 00:55:15,125 --> 00:55:16,245 People look through me every day. 1457 00:55:16,250 --> 00:55:17,920 [chuckles] 1458 00:55:17,917 --> 00:55:21,327 As long as we both end up in the same place, right? 1459 00:55:21,333 --> 00:55:23,083 You know it, pal. 1460 00:55:23,083 --> 00:55:26,883 And as long as that place is not a Polish deli. 1461 00:55:26,875 --> 00:55:29,285 Blow me. 1462 00:55:29,291 --> 00:55:30,581 Gonna be tricky from that angle. 1463 00:55:34,667 --> 00:55:37,497 ♪ solemn music ♪ 1464 00:55:37,500 --> 00:55:40,420 You, uh, you sure we good, brother? 1465 00:55:40,417 --> 00:55:44,667 Fuck yeah. Supposed to be a little crazy. 1466 00:55:44,667 --> 00:55:45,917 [chuckles softly] 1467 00:55:45,917 --> 00:55:51,667 ♪♪ 1468 00:55:54,500 --> 00:55:56,170 You gonna be all right. 1469 00:55:56,166 --> 00:55:59,876 You know that, right? 1470 00:55:59,875 --> 00:56:02,125 Yes, sir, 1471 00:56:02,125 --> 00:56:03,995 Sergeant, sir. 1472 00:56:17,583 --> 00:56:19,253 [telephone rings] 1473 00:56:19,250 --> 00:56:20,920 Goldie. 1474 00:56:20,917 --> 00:56:24,707 So I had an interesting conversation with CBS today. 1475 00:56:26,208 --> 00:56:28,078 Tell me. 1476 00:56:28,083 --> 00:56:30,423 [Eli] "Girls Are Funny Too." They're interested. 1477 00:56:30,417 --> 00:56:32,917 Freddie wants to hear the formal pitch 1478 00:56:32,917 --> 00:56:35,497 from you. 1479 00:56:35,500 --> 00:56:37,500 Hello? 1480 00:56:37,500 --> 00:56:39,880 Oh, I'm here, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. 1481 00:56:39,875 --> 00:56:42,875 [Eli] Oh, you're the other shoe, babe. 1482 00:56:42,875 --> 00:56:43,785 Turns out I'm not the only one 1483 00:56:43,792 --> 00:56:45,212 who wants to get in bed with you. 1484 00:56:45,208 --> 00:56:48,038 What about producer? 1485 00:56:48,041 --> 00:56:50,631 [Eli] What about executive producer? 1486 00:56:50,625 --> 00:56:51,165 Son of a bitch. 1487 00:56:51,166 --> 00:56:52,126 [Eli] [chuckles] 1488 00:56:52,125 --> 00:56:53,075 Break a leg. 1489 00:56:53,083 --> 00:56:55,833 However many it takes. 1490 00:56:55,834 --> 00:56:56,924 [Eli] Buh-bye now. 1491 00:56:56,917 --> 00:56:59,077 [exhales] 1492 00:56:59,083 --> 00:57:00,793 [crowd laughter] 1493 00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:01,922 [Cher] That's because I have to keep lying to you 1494 00:57:01,917 --> 00:57:04,577 and telling you you're talented and good-looking. 1495 00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:06,253 [Sonny] All right, all right, I get it. 1496 00:57:06,250 --> 00:57:07,460 - [Cher] Not anymore you aren't. - [crowd laughter] 1497 00:57:07,458 --> 00:57:10,378 - Funny joke, Ralph. - Thanks, man. 1498 00:57:10,375 --> 00:57:12,495 [Sonny and Cher continue in distance] 1499 00:57:12,500 --> 00:57:17,500 ♪♪ 1500 00:57:20,417 --> 00:57:23,327 ♪ Big Star's "Ballad of El Goodo" ♪ 1501 00:57:23,333 --> 00:57:28,333 ♪♪ 1502 00:57:31,250 --> 00:57:35,790 ♪ Years ago my heart was set to live ♪ 1503 00:57:35,792 --> 00:57:37,542 ♪ Oh ♪ 1504 00:57:37,542 --> 00:57:40,002 ♪ And I've been trying hard again... ♪ 1505 00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:41,250 [knocking on door] 1506 00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:41,920 [woman] Mr. Beverly? 1507 00:57:41,917 --> 00:57:44,127 It's time. 1508 00:57:44,125 --> 00:57:46,125 ♪♪ 1509 00:57:46,125 --> 00:57:47,165 [knocking] 1510 00:57:47,166 --> 00:57:49,916 Mr. Beverly? 1511 00:57:49,917 --> 00:57:52,997 We're coming back from commercial in five. 1512 00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,790 Mr. Beverly? 1513 00:57:55,792 --> 00:57:57,082 [rapid knocking] 1514 00:57:57,083 --> 00:57:58,083 Mr. Beverly? 1515 00:57:58,083 --> 00:58:00,293 ♪♪ 1516 00:58:00,291 --> 00:58:03,381 ♪ And there ain't no one ♪ 1517 00:58:03,375 --> 00:58:07,785 ♪ Going to turn me 'round ♪ 1518 00:58:07,792 --> 00:58:11,962 ♪ Ain't no one going to turn me 'round ♪ 1519 00:58:11,959 --> 00:58:17,709 ♪♪ 1520 00:58:20,208 --> 00:58:21,498 ♪ There's people around ♪ 1521 00:58:21,500 --> 00:58:23,460 ♪ Who tell you that they know ♪ 105513