Original subtitles

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Bert Kreischer!

(audience cheering)

(cheering louder)

Oh...

Sit down, please.

Oh, yeah.

♪ ♪

All right, cut the music.

Cut the music.

Yes, yes.

MAN: The Machine!

The Machine, yes.

(laughter)

Don't worry, I didn't drive out here

not to tell that story, okay, guys?

You think they gave me all these cameras,

and I won't bring that up? (laughs)

Yeah, I am The Machine.

I'm also a father of two with high blood pressure.

And possibly an inactive thyroid, because...

my wife scheduled a fucking blood panel

this week.

(stammers) "I got you a blood panel.

I thought we should know if something's wrong with you."

I go, "I'm shooting a special on Friday.

"Do you think maybe...

you can hold off?"

"Well, don't you want to know?"

No, not this fucking week, no.

I didn't even know men had thyroids.

(laughter)

I'm being dead serious.

Doctor's like, "Does your dad have a thyroid?"

And I was like, "I don't think so."

He's like, "Holy cow, are you serious?

How about his dad?"

I go, "No, definitely not, yeah.

"You should know if something's wrong,

'cause you have children."

Fuck that.

Do you...? I did not sign up

for this responsibility to be a grown-up.

I don't know if you guys feel the way I do.

But just, like, growing up sucks dick.

-(laughter) -(man whoops)

I'm, like, kids?

I got two kids. I got two kids.

I got, uh, Georgia is 11.

Blond hair, blue eyes, real smart.

And, uh, I got another one.

(laughter)

I don't know if you guys got one of those kids

that was just... a fucking mess, like...

literally, like, board-certified messes.

Like, if it wasn't my kid,

I'd be like, "She's stupid."

But she's mine, so I love her.

Just doesn't think right.

Her brain, like...

Last-- this morning, we're cuddling in bed, I--

she's laying on my arm,

laying on my arm, and she starts doing this.

(grunting)

I go, "What are you doing?"

She goes, "I'm trying to soften it up."

(laughter, applause)

I go, "It's my arm, Ila."

"I know. It's hard as a rock."

Dyslexic.

Dyslexic as shit.

Like, you got to read with her.

You can't let her read by herself,

'cause she just won't. She just won't.

It's too hard, and, uh, your heart breaks.

But I don't want to sit and read a book.

(laughter)

I have a hard time reading, too.

And then... you got...

She just sits there and looks at the word

and then, like, tries to guess it off your face.

Like...

(laughter)

"Pterodactyl?"

No, it's "the," Ila.

Very few-few books you're gonna read in your life

are gonna start off with "Pterodactyl."

"Crocodile?"

No, "the car," Ila.

"The car."

She's smart.

Just not like a useful-to-society smart.

Like, you'll never reap the benefits of her intelligence,

I promise you that, unless you have a dead body

in your trunk at 2:00 a.m....

There was an attempted kidnapping

in a school adjacent to ours.

And the teacher sat the kids down,

told them they needed a safe word.

Ila comes home locked in.

"Dad... we need a safe word."

I'm like, "Okay, how about 'Agnes'?

That's the street we live on."

She goes, "Too easy."

(laughter)

"Too easy?"

"Yeah, too easy."

I go, "Why is that?"

She goes, "Dad, they could guess that."

I go, "Hey, Ila, if someone's guessing at our safe word,

don't get in their fucking car."

(laughter)

(quietly): Fuck.

(scattered clapping)

I go, "How about 'Priscilla'? That's our dog."

She goes, "Are you even thinking?!"

I go, "What do you think it should be?"

She doesn't even miss a beat.

She goes, "How about 'motherfucker'?"

(laughter)

(applause)

"Think about it, Dad.

No one's gonna say 'motherfucker' to a kid."

(laughter)

Oh, "motherfucker" it is, motherfucker.

And that was our safe word.

(cheering, applause)

Yeah.

Wait, I had to change it.

I had to change it.

It was too good.

I knew I was taking it onstage, so I had to cha...

But not before Stephen Fromkin had to pick them up.

He's like, "I'll get the girls."

I was like, "Heads up-- our safe word's 'motherfucker.'"

He's like, "I can't say that to your kids."

I was like, "Good luck getting Ila home."

He pulls up, Georgia jumps in the car

like she's trying to get molested.

Ila's locked down.

"What's our safe word?"

She's known this guy eight of her nine years.

"What's our safe word?"

He's like, "Ila, I know the safe word.

It's a bad word. I'm not saying it out loud."

She goes, "Then I'm not getting in your car."

He looks at her and he goes,

"The safe word is 'motherfucker.'"

She looks at him in front of all the teachers

and goes, "I can't hear you."

(laughter)

That's this child.

You get these two morons together?

Holy shit!

Georgia's like the caveman that discovered fire.

Ila's like the caveman who discovered

Stop, Drop and Roll.

They woke up one morning.

One morning they wake up at 5:00 in the morning...

They were younger. They-- I don't know

how old they were, but they were younger.

Like, I don't trust dads

who know exactly how old their kids are.

(laughter)

If you're talking to a dad and he's like, "16 months today,"

he'd better be married to another dad.

(laughter, applause)

And that's-- I don't mean that homophobic.

I'm not homophobic at all. I'm not, I'm not.

I'm definitely not. I'm more like a homo-chondriac.

Like, I'm comfortable if you're gay,

I'm comfortable with your lifestyle.

I'm just afraid one night you'll get me drunk

and trick me into it...

and I'll like it.

(laughing): That's my fear!

I'll like it and I'll be good at it.

Just... (snorts, honking)

Line 'em up!

(honking)

(laughter)

(sighs)

So I saw a gay porn once for, like, 45 minutes,

let me tell you something.

Holy shit!

Ladies, you got to step up your blow job game.

Yeah.

You're still playing JV basketball,

and the gay guys are the Harlem Globetrotters.

Yeah, dunking on cocks!

Gong!

Holding their own head.

Fuck this face, son!

(chuckles)

What the fuck are we talking about?

I'm literally...

How did I get off on this gay rant?

(laughter)

WOMAN: Oh, my Go-- oh, my God!

The fucking...

Oh, my daughters! My daughters! My daughters!

Huh.

Gay guys sucking cock--

oh, my daughters, okay, here we go.

This'll work.

My daughters woke up...

at 5:00 in the morning, 5:00 in the morning.

They were younger. They were like f-f-f...

three and five, four and six...

They-they weren't wearing watches, so...

they wake up at 5:00 in the morning, 5:00 in the morning.

5:00 in the fucking morning,

'cause they're training to be farmers or some shit.

Either that, or they run a meth lab out of the closet.

I don't know.

All we hear is them laughing hysterically

on the baby monitor

like two homeless guys who just found a 20.

So I go downstairs, this is what I see.

Ila, my baby, is naked, which isn't weird,

because apparently one time I told her,

"Sometimes you got to let your shit breathe."

Uh, we only know that,

'cause that's what she told the preschool teacher.

Yeah, on the swing set

in a dress just airing her shit out.

Just... (whooshing)

Va-jay-jay!

Teacher's like, "Oh, Ila, honey, where are your panties?"

She just hops off.

"Sometimes you got to let your shit breathe."

(laughter)

(scattered claps)

Ila's in the raw-- I-Ila's naked.

Georgia's in the rocking chair, laughing hysterically.

And our dog's sitting in between them like,

"I don't fucking know."

So I come in, I'm like, "Hey, guys,

"it's really early in the morning.

"Mommy and I are still sleeping.

What could possibly be so funny?"

Georgia gets in my face, goes, "Daddy,

"you got to see Baby Ila's new trick.

It is hilarious."

I said, "What is it?"

She goes, "No.

"I don't want to spoil it for you, Dad.

"You got to see it.

Ila, show Daddy the trick."

So Ila, my baby,

the lunatic, the naked one,

real quick, real quick,

takes her finger and shoves it up her ass.

(audience groans)

Don't fucking judge me.

(laughter)

You think I was ready to parent that?

It's 5:00 in the morning.

You think you could've parented it?

The Super Nanny couldn't have stopped it.

And now it's in there-- as a parent,

I kind of want to see the second part of the trick.

(laughter)

She takes it out of her ass,

and puts it in the dog's mouth.

Now... Hey! Hey!

Hey, fuck you!

I saw it, okay?!

I'm just telling you about it, I sa-- I was like,

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?!

"What are you guys-- Germans?!

"New rule!

"We do not put our fingers in our butts

"and then put them in our animals' mouths!

I can't believe I'm saying this!"

Georgia gets in my face, goes, "Calm down.

It's funny. You just don't get it."

(laughter)

"What, what part of that trick is funny, Georgia?"

She didn't even miss a beat. She goes,

"We've been doing it all morning...

and the dog doesn't know it's poop, Dad."

I'm like, "Fuck it. Do it again."

They do it again, the dog comes right back.

Like, "What's on the finger? What's on the finger?

"Oh, it's shit!

What's on that finger? What's on that finger?"

So, an hour later when my wife woke up,

I'm like, "You got to see Baby Ila's new trick."

She's like, "What is it?"

And I was like, "I don't want to spoil it for you.

You got to see it. Ila, show Mommy the trick."

And Ila just goes to town-- wham, wham!

My wife's like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

I'm like, "Give it an hour.

"It gets funnier.

"The dog doesn't know it's shit.

"No, watch the dog.

It's a rescue-- it's fine."

(laughter)

Kids, kids.

Kids. (laughs)

It's the fact that you think about them all the time.

You do, nonstop. I jumped out of a plane with Rachael Ray.

(man whoops)

Is she here?

(laughter)

Rachael Ray is a fucking gangster.

Like, legit gang...

She comes in. I do her show.

She comes backstage at, like, 8:00 in the morning.

She's got a pint of Guinness, a bowl of chili

with a fried egg on top.

(moans)

She comes back, she goes, "I know you're a comic.

"I thought a beer might loosen you up before the show.

I don't know if you like, uh, chili with an egg?"

I'm like... (muttering)

As she hands it to me, she goes,

"What's one thing you'd never do

on your show Bert the Conqueror?"

I have a show Bert the Conqueror where I do extreme activities.

-(cheering) -She goes, "What's...?" Thank you, yeah.

Thank you. She goes, "What's one thing you'd never do?"

And I had an answer-- it's skydiving.

I go, "I know I'd never go skydiving."

She goes, "Really?" I go, "Never. I don't want to go."

She goes, "Awesome. I'll see you out onstage."

I was like, "Oh, I wonder why she asked that."

(laughter)

I get out on the stage,

and the first thing she says to the crowd is,

"All right, all right, backstage,

Bert said he'd never go skydiving."

I'm like, "Bitch, that was a secret."

She's like, "Who wants to see him do it?"

And now I have 500 women going, "Do it, fat boy!"

And I got the beer in me, the chili.

I'm like, "Fuck it! Let's go! Let's go!"

Two weeks later, I'm strapped to a dude.

You know that's how you skydive?

Just strapped to a dude in a prison rape harness?

That's how you skydive.

Just stra-- and he tells you when to walk, when to sit.

It is massively emasculating.

Has anyone ever been skydiving in here?

-(scattered whoops) -You've been.

You've been. And so, you, you get in the plane

and you're sitting in a dude's lap.

You're sitting-- your Navy SEAL moment,

and you're sitting in a dude's lap.

And I start shaking, 'cause I'm nervous.

I'm, like, freaking out.

And he's-- can feel me, 'cause I-I realize

as we go to taxi, I realize I haven't flown sober

in 20 years.

(laughter)

Sober in a big plane in 20 years.

And I haven't flown in a dude's lap in 42.

And he feels me shaking and he's like,

"What's the matter?"

I go, "What do you mean what's the matter?"

I go, "I'm nervous."

He goes, "About what?"

"What do you mean about what?"

He goes, "What are you nervous...?

What are you afraid of?"

I go, "I don't know-- you'll get hard."

(laughter)

"You'll, you'll get hard.

"That'll trigger me. I'll get hard.

"We'll both get hard,

"then we'll jump out of the plane,

"our chute won't open,

"and that's how two backpackers will find us.

"You fucking me into the earth.

You fucking me into the planet."

That'll be the how I go...

This guy craved dick so bad,

he had a man harness him up

and fuck him out of his shoes

until his head exploded in the woods.

I go, "I'm nervous our chute won't open."

(laughs)

He goes, "You couldn't kill us if you tried."

I'm like, "I'm a smart guy.

I can fucking figure it out."

I lean over to Rachael and I grab her leg.

Her leg, just... It's the most uncom--

just grab her leg and I start squeezing.

She goes, "What's the matter?"

I go, "I don't want to do this."

She goes, "I, I think you're doing it."

She's like, "You're at the front of the tube of toothpaste.

"Everyone's out behind-- you're going.

You're definitely going."

I go, "No, I-I don't want to," and she goes, "You're, look..."

And now the engines kick in and she starts yelling at me.

She goes, "Look, you'll be fine!

"Whatever you do,

"do not watch me go out the door!

You will freak the fuck out!"

I'm like, "Who taught you how to talk someone off a ledge?"

We get up to our cruising altitude,

her and her dude get up perfectly,

like Danny and Sandy, just

"a wop baba lumop a wop bam boom!"

She posts up at the door,

looks me in the eyes, does her read,

one take to camera: "I'm Rachael Ray.

"I'm at 30,000 feet with Bert the Conqueror.

"We're about to jump out of a... airplane!

Who's ready? Who...? Yum-o" or whatever,

and then fucking, "Let's go!"

And then looks at me and goes, "Bert!"

I'm like, "Yeah?"

She goes, "Don't watch this!"

And... (whooshes)

they get sucked out of the fucking plane!

And I have panic shoot out of my asshole.

I grab onto the cameraman who's not wearing a parachute.

There's an open door at 13,000 feet.

And as soon as I touched him, he just starts kicking me.

"Get off me, asshole!"

Sound guy posts up in the corner

with the boom mic like a gladiator.

"Get him down! Get him down!"

My guy just takes over and Baby Bjorns me.

(grunts) "Here we go."

Takes me to the corner and I lock in.

I go, "I'm having second thoughts!"

He's like, "We're going in three."

I'm like, "I'm not hard yet!"

"We're going in two."

And I was like, "You go by yourself.

I'll meet you down there!"

And then he says, "Oh, my God, what's wrong with your straps?"

I'm like, "What?"

(whooshes)

And we go screaming to the earth at 100 miles an hour.

This guy's in my ear, like,

"Do you want to catch up with Rachael?"

I'm like, "Fuck her-- she's dead to me."

(laughter)

It is...

it is an epiphanous moment, dare I say--

and my therapist says I have a low threshold

for epiphanous moments, but...

And I always say, like, did you want to go skydiving?

Okay.

The people that don't want to go skydiving

are who should go skydiving.

It's those that don't want to go that appreciate it the most.

You go, and you're just Viking all the way.

Aah!

People who don't want to go,

there's a moment where you realize

the dice have been rolled.

There's nothing you can do to change this.

You're either gonna live or die in five minutes,

and you can't take a pill or start working out to stop it.

It is out of your control.

And you are forced with a decision--

how do you meet your maker?

Do you go out like a Viking?

Aah!

Or do you start crying like a baby?

(wailing)

Oh, I picked, I picked the Viking.

I, at that moment, I said, "I've had a beautiful life.

Let's do it."

Aah!

Until the chute opened, then I started crying

aggressively.

Like, bad. Like, in a dude's lap.

(laughter)

Have you ever cried in a man's lap?

Have you ever had a man take you out to the middle of a field

and sit in your lap and just sob silently?

That's technically what I'm doing to this poor guy.

'Cause the first thing I thought of was my kids.

I'm gonna get to see my kids again.

And pizza. Like, I get pizza.

And I just started sobbing under this canopy,

and the poor guy's like, "Dude, it's gonna be okay.

Like, you, we're-we're, we did it, we did it."

It was so bad, when we went to land,

he's like, "Clean yourself up.

They're gonna think I did something to you."

And the on-- the last thing-- thought that stuck with me

was my children, that's it. I go, "My children.

They're gonna have-- they have a dad!"

Like, that-- what? That is not

what I signed up for when I picked my wife

out of a bowling alley, like...

That makes no sense. We met at a bowling alley.

But when I met her,

like, I didn't sign up for the vulnerability.

That's the part about having kids

that fucks you up is the vuln...

Do you have children?

You do. How many you got?

You got one?

Eh, you're barely in it.

Wait till you got two, and you go, "Oh, shit.

If I lose one, it's gonna be awkward."

(laughter)

Children, the thing that'll f...

And I don't know if you've been there.

How old's your kid?

Two-- oh, you're brand-new to the game, man.

Wait till they meet disaster in their life.

Or they meet letdown or-- oh.

We took the girls, we took the girls to school this year.

Uh, LeeAnn takes Georgia.

I take Ila.

Walk up... (stammers)

the first day of school.

Now, here's the first thing with girls.

First day of school,

you hope they have friends in their class

or it's a shit show.

So, LeeAnn's got Georgia, I take Ila.

We go up to the, like on the fence.

They put all the names on the fence.

I go up to the fence.

Ila can't read. She's like... (groaning)

(laughter)

(short laugh)

(laughing): I look at the,

I look at the list.

Room nine-- I walk over to room nine.

Here's what I see as we walk over to room nine.

This is the first kid I see-- Chinese kid,

short, dumpy, big-big, like, baby beluga head,

his hair starts in the middle, right, and he's just got

this stare like a dog who's got peanut butter

stuck in his throat, like...

(laughter)

Kid behind him-- hand licker, just...

(grunting)

Like, he's trying to get to the center of it, like...

(grunting)

Kid behind him-- tippy-toe walker.

You know that kid?

Hand full of Pokémon cards.

"Hey, anyone want to make a trade?

Anyone want to trade?"

Ila sees this and is like,

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

We go over to the handball courts.

I sit down.

This is what's happening.

Uh, Ila's got her head back like this.

I don't know what she's doing.

She's got her head back like this.

What she's doing is, she's holding the tears in her eyes.

(audience groans)

Don't get me fucking started.

(laughter)

She brings her head down to me.

And she-- and a tear falls out.

She looks at me dead in the eyes and she goes,

"Daddy, am I in the stupid class?"

(audience groans)

I didn't fucking sign up for this, okay?

I was a goddamn stallion when my wife found me.

A st-- an untethered, beautiful animal

just running at my own speed.

(grunting and neighing)

I was gorgeous!

No one controlled me.

I decided what I wanted to do.

If it rained, I'd run in the rain.

Just... (grunting and neighing)

Mist coming off my mane and tail

and-and just rearing up outside the village

for all the villagers to see.

(neighs)

And my wife was this diseased settler with rickets.

Like, "Huh...

I need me a stallion."

So she snuck up on me with a bag of carrots.

Carrots are blow jobs.

And was like...

(clicking tongue)

Come here, boy. Come here, boy.

Here you go, boy. Try it, you'll like it.

No, you'll like it.

I bet you'll like it. I bet you'll like it.

And you like it. You try the carrot.

You like it, but what you don't realize

is that when they're handing you the carrot,

with the other hand, they start petting you.

That's them taming you.

"Oh, you have a beautiful mane.

"Oh.

You should start wearing khakis."

(neighing)

"Oh, it's okay, boy. It's okay.

You should get rid of your Jeep."

(neighing)

And then, one day, out of nowhere,

the petting makes sense.

You feel them pets, you're like, "Oh, yeah, huh.

"Maybe I should go to the dentist

more than once every ten years."

And then, you don't even realize it, but one morning,

you go to run just like you used to run,

just like everyone loved to watch you run.

And as you take off, you feel someone pull back on the reigns.

Like, "Whoa.

We don't do shots at a child's party."

(laughter)

(scattered applause)

And there I am, just an old nag now.

I don't even get carrots anymore.

I just get hay.

If I do get carrots, I got to throw a temper tantrum for them.

(laughter)

And now I'm sitting in a pair of sweatpants

by the handball courts and I got a nine-year-old

breaking my heart at 7:45 in the morning.

This isn't what I fucking signed up for.

And I'm looking at her and I'm, like, thinking

how do I deal with it-- like, like...

"Hey, it's okay.

"Stupid classes are fun.

"Like...

"lowered expectation is higher rewards, you know?

"I was, you know, I, a lot of my friends--

"the guys that I smoked pot--

"they all stupid.

Is-- stupid is as stupid does, like...."

And LeeAnn comes over and she's like,

"Hey, what's going on here?"

Now, we're both tearing up. We're both crying.

And she goes, "What's going on?"

And Ila's like-- I'm like...

"She-- we think she's in the stupid class.

"She brought it up. I definitely agree.

I definitely agree."

And LeeAnn's like, "Hold on!"

And I go, "No, no, you hold on. You got to look at that class.

It looked like the cast of Goonies, like..."

And LeeAnn's like, "Hold on, hold on!

"Everyone stop crying.

There's no such thing as the stupid class."

I'm like, "Eh, I'd beg to disagree."

She's like, "No, Ila, honey.

"If there was a stupid class,

"they would have had to call me two months ago

"and say, 'Hey, we're putting Ila in the stupid class.'

"And I would've taken you out of this school in a second.

"I would've never let you be-- let them do that to you.

"But if they did call me two months ago, Ila,

"and I knew today was your day to go into the stupid class--

I knew that-- do you think I would let you roll in with Dad?"

(laughter)

And that made sense to Ila.

She's like, "Yeah, he's not the heavy-lifting parent."

And I'm like, "Yeah, Ila, you're with me.

There's nothing wrong."

She goes, "Come on, let's go look at your class."

So they go walk over to the class,

and all Ila's friends-- Lily, Dakota, Kylie--

they're all in the class.

And LeeAnn's like, "Hey, your friends are in there.

Are your friends stupid?"

And Ila's like, "No." She's like,

"Then you get in line. You have a fantastic year."

She comes walking over to me.

I'm still by the fucking handball courts.

She comes walking over to me.

And I am blown away.

She comes up, she's like, "Hey."

I go, "I did not parent that well."

She's like, "No shit."

I go, "I thought she was in the fucking stupid class."

LeeAnn's like, "She is."

(laughter)

(applause)

"You were gonna tell her?"

I go, "I was gonna tell her."

She's like, "You belong in the fucking stupid class."

Ila's getting-- Ila hates school.

She's getting-- i-in all fairness,

she's getting her ass handed to her daily.

Like, it's bad.

When you're dyslexic, it's tough.

I dropped her off, like, probably two weeks ago,

I go to give her a kiss on the cheek good-bye,

she grabs my neck like she doesn't want me to go.

And then whispers in my ear and goes, "Pick me up early."

(laughter)

I'm like, "Well, let me run that by Mom."

She goes, "Uh, hey, hold on.

Do you have to run it by Mom?"

And now she's in my head.

I'm like, "Yeah, fuck that bitch."

(laughter)

"I make the calls around here.

"If I want to pick you, I'll pick you up early.

I go, "But, wait,

what do you mean...? Like, what time?"

She goes, "Listen, Mom's got therapy at noon.

"She leaves, like, 11:15. If you show up at 11:30,

"you got to pick me up anyway,

she'll have no idea you got me early."

I go, "What would I say?"

She goes, "Tell them I have a dentist appointment."

I go, "How long have you been thinking about this?"

She goes, "Dad, tell them I have a dentist appointment.

I promise no one's gonna know."

I went, "Okay."

I go home, I feel like I'm about to commit a bank robbery.

I'm sitting on the couch, and LeeAnn just gets up.

She's like, "Oh, 11:15-- I got to go to therapy."

I'm like, "Like fucking clockwork!"

She leaves, I'm like, "Screw it, I'm picking her up early."

I go into the office.

I don't even have to say anything.

I walk in, they're like, "Are you Ila's daddy?"

I go, "I am."

They're like, "Her tooth has been killing her all day."

(laughter, applause)

Ila comes out of the nurse's office,

ice pack on her cheek, eyes are like, "Start the car."

(laughter)

We get in the car, first things out of her mouth,

"Ice cream and putt-putt. Let's do it, big guy."

I was like, "Hey, you made the day.

Let's do it."

(cheering, whooping)

Yeah.

It was a great-- it was a great day.

I think the best part of the day was just having

a lie that me and her knew

and lying to my other daughter and my wife

together as a team.

(laughter)

It was kind of like bonding.

And I put her to bed that night, I go,

"Listen, if I ever cheat on your mom,

I'm gonna need your help."

I'm not cheating on my wife.

I'm not cheating on my wife for numbers of reasons.

This being one.

(laughter)

I don't even know...

I don't even know if I'm doing it right.

I've never had that, like, security

that women have, you know?

That like... there's a, there's a, like an air of con--

like, when it comes to sex,

women just know they hit it out of the...

Have you ever...? Is that your man right there,

young lady?

Have you ever given him an orgasm?

Look at her.

She scoffs at me, like, rolls her eyes.

Goes, "Yeah."

Would you bet your life on it?

She's like, "Uh, yeah."

Would you bet your life on it?

Look at him! He's like, "I don't know."

(laughing)

'Cause we don't know.

You be... I'm telling you.

It's, you know if you've done your job right,

because there's proof.

That happened, right there-- see that?

There, got it.

Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick.

Right there.

But every time we have sex with you guys,

it's like (blows air) Keyser Soze.

Did that happen? I don't know.

(laughter, applause)

I'll put it-- I'll take it this far.

This guy right here.

He's your boyfriend, right?

Sir, be honest.

If I said to you right now,

"I will give you $15 million

"tax-free if you can bring one person on this stage

and give them an orgasm within 15 minutes."

You think he's picking a chick?

(laughter, applause)

Fuck, no.

Look at him.

He's already standing up.

He's like, "I'll jack you off right now."

(spits) Put in work.

Let's go!

Start the car.

Time!

You think he's gonna pick a chick?

You think he's picking his chick?

No way, too complicated.

"I don't want to face the audience.

"You face the audience.

"Oh, my God, it's bright. They're all staring at me.

"I don't-- I can hear people laughing.

"They're making fun of... Just stop it.

I'll just-- Don't worry. I'm sorry I messed this up."

And he's definitely not picking another chick.

You think he's gonna roll the dice on a brand-new chick?

Try to figure that out with the clock running?

Just...

(laughter)

Back and-- like, like this or...?

Cinnabons? Cinnabons? Cinnab...?

No, paint the fence, paint the fence,

paint the fence, paint the fence, paint the fence.

Paint the fence. What? What?

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

What's...? Okay, the in, go-- You ever done that one?

You ever try the one where you go in the garage,

but up where you keep the bikes?

(laughter)

You ever tried that?

And you fiddle with the bikes?

Come hither, bikes, come hither.

I've fucked that one up.

Tried it.

Went right past the bikes.

Ended up in the attic.

Just ripping out insulation like a raccoon.

Just... (snorts, neighing)

It was, it was so bad,

the home owner had to come out and be like,

"Everyone out of the fucking garage!"

(laughter)

Women are complicated.

Just-just like their, the way they think.

First time I had sex with my wife...

We'd been dating a while,

it's that beautiful moment-- I don't know.

Uh, we've all felt it where you're making out on a couch,

and then you undo the shirt and it--

and your heart skips a beat, and you're like,

"Oh, God, this is happening.

This is really happening to me."

(stammers)

I was head over heels for her,

and the kissing, the shirt comes off...

pant button comes off.

She stops me, she goes,

"There's something I need to tell you."

I was like, "This bitch has herpes."

And I start thinking about it in my head.

Like...

does it matter?

(laughter)

I mean, I'm 28.

I made it this far.

I think they got to have an outbreak.

What are the odds it's the outbreak season?

And if you wear a c-- I don't know.

I don't even know, but if you wear a condom,

does it...? I don't know, but...

In my head, I'm like, "I wish I had paid

more attention in health class."

And my wife looks at me and goes,

"I'm in debt."

I was like, "I, I thought you had herpes."

She goes, "No, why would I have herpes?"

I go, "Why would you stop someone before they're

about to have sex to tell them you're in debt?"

She goes, "Because I thought we were getting serious."

I go, "I'm trying to fuck you, not your bank account!"

She goes, "No, if we're gonna have sex,

"that means we're getting serious, and if we're

"getting serious, you need to know I am $25,000 in debt.

That hangs over my head."

And I go, "Hey, I'm trying to fuck you, not Fannie Mae.

All right? Let's do this."

And we had sex that night and we fell in love

and we got married and we had kids.

And did you know when you get married,

you accrue someone's debt?

(laughter)

I wish she had had herpes.

What's crazy now is there's like a,

like a thing in our relationship.

I don't know that this happens to everyone,

but, like, nowadays,

we almost get more passionate talking about money

than we do sex.

Like, it's easier for us, like,

we talk about adding onto our house, we're like,

"Ooh, yeah, you want to...?

"You want to open a bottle of wine maybe, huh?

Talk about our brand-new bathroom, huh?"

(mumbles gibberish)

And then you have sex, and it's just like,

it's almost, I don't mean to, like,

suck the romance out of it, but, like, I don't hit on her.

I'm not gonna fucking hit on my wife.

Get shot down by your wife?

Do you know how humiliating that is?

To be like, "Hey, what do you think...?"

"Get the fuck off me."

Okay, awesome.

Now I feel like a human piece of garbage.

Cool, I can't fuck anyone in the world,

especially not you, and that's-- oh, this is great.

You ever try to pull out a brand-new move in the bedroom?

(huffs)

I tried to do reverse cowgirl.

(laughter)

I said to her in the middle of having sex,

I go, "Hey, you want, you want to try reverse cowgirl?"

She looks at me and she goes, "Where did we hear about this?"

(laughter, clamoring)

"Some of the fellas down by the basketball courts

were talking about it."

And then she just gets, like-- she's a very

sweet woman, but she just gets like,

like, "Fine, what is it?

Like, tell me what to do, tell me what to do."

(stammers) Like, it's almost like we're lab partners.

Like, "Fucking tell me.

"Tell me what you want. I'll do it if that's what you're into."

I'm like, "That's not what I'm into.

"I'm just saying let's try it.

Maybe we'll like it. I don't know."

She's like, "No, just tell me what to do."

I'm like, "Uh, okay."

I've never seen this part of the porn.

Where the guy walks her through it, like...

Like, "Oh, you..."

Like...

"You-you, uh, face the other direction."

She's like, "I face the wall?"

I was like, "Well, uh, or the camera.

"I guess that is...

"They'd face the camera at that point.

"I don't know why they do that. I-I don't know.

I've never done this, okay?"

She, "No, tell me what to do, I'll do it."

I go, "Well, you turn around." She's like, "And just

look at the wall?" I go, "Yeah, look at the fuck...

"They're your eyes, look at whatever you want

to fucking look at."

"Fine, if this is what you're into."

Like, that's how you want to start a brand-new sex move.

"If this is what you're into."

"Is th...

is this right?" Like we're on a motorcycle.

"Is this right?"

"Yeah, I think..." "No, no, I mean, tell...

"Do I hold on to your feet? That's not sexy.

"Just looking at your feet.

I'm just looking at your feet right now." I'm like,

"You can look at whatever you want to."

"Is it... Are you looking at my butthole?

"Is that what you're looking at?

"Does this turn you on to look at my butthole?

"Okay, okay, I'm starting to feel disconnected.

"I'm feeling very disconnected. I don't even... I feel...

I'm feeling very disconnected." I'm like, "Can you just

"not be the person I own a home with

and be a whore for five minutes?"

I mean, I-I make that sound bad, but don't...

I mean, the alternative is what, I get, like, a young girlfriend?

Fuck that.

I can't. I'm not... I'm not shitting on young people.

You guys look very young.

I'm sure it's very fun to get naked with you and touch you.

That part is not bad, it's the talking to you afterwards

that would be... somewhat problematic.

Like, I don't know, what... like, what would I s...

What would I say to, like, a 22-year-old girl after sex?

Like, "Hey, do you want to play on your iPad?"

(laughter)

"Oh, Snapchat's got some new apps, cool."

I need a ride-or-die bitch.

I need a woman.

I need a woman with some flaws.

And a woman with, like, like, uh, literally a kind of girl

that'll blow you and book you a cardiologist appointment.

Kind of woman that'll blow you despite a runny nose.

Just... (grunting)

That's a woman for you, right there.

Just taking one for the team.

(laughter, scattered cheers)

(louder cheering)

Yeah.

Kind of woman that'll fart during sex.

Yeah, my wife will fart during sex.

She's had two kids.

She's not rocking the original rims and tires, okay?

Two kids?

She's riding dirty on 22s, just...

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

(panting)

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

(panting)

♪ Flip it in action, zip it in the bud ♪

♪ Never relaxin', outlast is everlastin' ♪

♪ Uprisin', up-uprisin' ♪

♪ Up-up-up, there goes an eargasm. ♪

(laughter)

It's true.

Ladies, I hate to say this.

But after 40, vaginas start aging exponentially.

(laughs)

-Like dog years, just... -(women groaning)

Not that-- No, listen, not... it's not just you.

It's all of us.

I mean, men, once we get 40,

our dick starts doing this Benjamin Buttons thing,

where it looks younger and younger.

Like I think our bodies get bigger

and our dick stays the same size.

It looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city.

Like, "Hell no, we won't go!"

I get naked now-- and that's love.

When your wife sees you naked

when your dick's the smallest it's ever been,

like right after you get out of the gym,

and she just sees it and goes, "Aw, little guy.

"Look at that little--

can I flick him?"

It just changes.

I'm cool with it changing.

I'm just saying, like,

I mean...

a little bit of upkeep, ladies, like...

It's like...

I mean, I remember when my-- I met my wife's vagina.

I remember it distinct-- it was beautiful.

It was like there was curb appeal.

(laughter)

You know, like, it was waxed and shined

and buffed and fluffed.

Fluffed! Flu...

With, with those laced thong panties

that you could take off with a pinky, just...

(whooshes)

And when you did, it was like you unleashed a princess.

Just... (humming)

I saw it the other day.

Ooh.

(laughter)

It was after drop-off.

I had to pull off those big comfort cotton panties.

The ones that don't give you a yeast infection.

You know those ones? You're just...

(groaning)

All the hair's matted down.

Looks like the crazy cat lady's house.

And it's just staring at you like...

"Hey, my man!

"Young blood!

Young blood, can I get a cigarette?"

(laughter)

She farts.

(laughter)

Not, like, for money, but, just, it happens.

Not all the ti...

(stammers) Not all the time,

but I wouldn't bet against it.

(laughs) I'd take the over.

But that's part of marriage.

That's part of marriage is that you--

that is part of love is when you accept a person for their flaws.

And, like, that, and that's when you know you're a man.

When your woman farts during sex,

'cause you move her over too quickly

and she just farts.

And you don't say a fucking word.

And you go, "I didn't hear it.

I love you."

She's like, "I didn't hear it, either.

I love you."

The dog's up on the bed: "Are we farting?"

(laughter)

I'll take it this far. I'll take it this far.

My wife's farted during oral sex.

(audience groaning)

You know what they call that?

Commitment.

When you take one on the chin for the team?

Just... (honks)

You're like... "What the fuck?"

(retching)

You didn't know you had one in the chamber?

(laughter)

No, you got to warn me.

I'm still down here.

No, you could've shit in my mouth.

No, I have a beard.

It's still in here.

And then she starts crying.

I go, "What the fuck are you crying about?"

(laughter)

"I'm the one in the hurt locker."

She's like, "You're gonna talk about this onstage."

(chuckles)

"You're fucking right I am."

(applause)

Yeah.

In all fairness,

I didn't bring it up until the second time it happened.

I was like, "Fuck it-- if it happened to me twice,

it's had to have happened to somebody else."

I can't be the only one out here going, "Really?

No one else has-- catches one on the button?"

(cheering, whooping)

That's marriage.

She go-- My wife's a gr--

My wife's a fantastic woman. She really is.

She's the kind of person, like, I couldn't, I couldn't,

I couldn't raise these kids.

She, like, researches good schools.

She researched a school one time.

She goes, "Uh, it's a great school.

There are a lot of Koreans."

I went, "Okay."

(laughter)

We show up, it's 98% Korean.

Now, no, listen.

I'm just a regular person.

I'm not-- I have no hate

in my heart for anyone whatsoever,

but I'm a real motherfucker.

I walk in a room with 400 Korean families

and five white families and a black family

hiding in the corner, I just walked in

and I was like, "What the fuck is this?"

(laughter)

And my wife's like, "What?"

I go, "What do you mean 'what,' like..."

(laughter)

She goes, "What?"

I go, "The fucking Tae Kwon Do tournament going on in here.

"You don't see this?

You know, am I the only one that sees this?"

She's like, "Babe, I said there was gonna be a lot of Koreans."

I'm like, "Bitch, a lot of Koreans is seven."

(laughter)

"This is a dickload.

"This is a boatload.

"You should've said, 'Do you want to go to North Korea?'

'Cause that's where we are right now."

She goes, "Maybe if you get to know some of the parents,

you won't have a problem with it."

So I go over to the white and black people

hiding in the corner like, "I'm here.

What are we gonna do?"

(laughter)

Thank God there was a black woman there to keep shit real.

First words out of her mouth:

"You see all these motherfucking Koreans?"

I just met my best friend.

(laughter)

It is a beautiful moment

when a black woman and a white man

can commit a hate crime together.

(laughter, applause)

Sandy is her name, and we start talking.

Then a white woman comes over and screws it up.

Just comes over and goes, "What do you guys have?"

Sandy leans into me and she goes,

"We're about to have the bird flu

if we don't leave this bitch."

The lady goes, "What?"

And Sandy just looks at me

and goes, "They're your people.

You handle this."

(laughter)

I go, "I, uh, I have girls."

She goes, "Oh, that's so great.

What are their names?"

I said, "Georgia and Ila."

She goes, "Oh, I have a boy."

I was like, "Cool."

She's like, "Don't you want to know his name?"

(laughs) I'm like, "Not at all."

She goes, "His name's John Henry."

And I start laughing hysterically,

'cause that's what I call my dick.

(laughter)

I just never met a John Henry before.

I'm like, "Are you serious?!"

She's like, "Do you know a John Henry?"

I'm like, "Hell yeah!

Really good. He's like my best friend."

And I start talking to these women.

for the whole orientation

surreptitiously about my junk.

About my buddy John Henry,

who lives down south and...

is bald.

Until my wife gets done at her pai gow tournament

and comes over to us.

(laughter)

Was like, "What are you guys laughing about?"

And this woman's like, "You're never gonna believe this.

My son's name is John Henry."

My wife's like, "Oh, that's what he calls his dick!"

(laughter)

(scattered clapping)

Sandy falls out laughing.

And I watch this woman realize

all the stories I've been telling her.

About how John Henry has two roommates.

(laughter)

How their next-door neighbor's an asshole.

(laughter)

How he tells everyone he's six foot,

but he's really five-seven.

(laughter)

I thought it was funny.

I think what I find's funny,

I don't think other people find funny.

Like, like, no, like, I have, I have like a,

like a disturbed sense of humor sometimes.

Like, I-I checked into this hotel room one time

in Cincinnati and, uh,

I had, like, five bags with me,

'cause I was on the road doing Travel Channel stuff

and doing stand-up, so I had five bags with me.

This bellman-- a tall, young, skinny black kid.

"Oh, why's he got to be black, Bert?"

'Cause he fucking was.

(laughter)

(laughing): He comes...

he comes...

he comes over, he grabs all my bags,

puts them on a cart, checks me in,

takes me into the elevator.

And in the elevator, he goes, "Man, you got a lot of bags.

What do you do for a living?"

I go, "I'm a comedian."

He goes, "You put all your gags in these bags?"

(laughter)

Immediately, I'm horrified,

'cause I think he thinks I'm a prop comic.

And so I'm trying to think of a joke--

the whole ride in the elevator, I'm trying to think of a joke

to make this kid laugh, but I can't think of anything.

We get up to our floor, door opens,

and as soon as it opens, the door next to us opens

and, uh, an older white guy walks out.

Like maybe 67 years old-- bam.

And he walks out just behind us, and as we walk down the hallway,

he walks right behind us.

Kids pushing, I'm walking,

this kid's, this guy's right here five feet behind us.

As we walk-- bam.

We take a left, he takes a left.

We take a right, he takes a right.

He's keeping pace with us. You want to be like,

"Hey, asshole, just fake tie your shoe for a little bit.

"Or jog past us, but you're creeping us out,

George Zimmerman."

So...

Finally we get to the very end of the hall.

My door is the last door on the left.

And it turns out, the old man's room

is right next to mine.

Now, it's been uncomfortable.

I haven't made this kid laugh yet.

So, as a joke, as the guy opens,

goes to open his door, I lean over and I go,

"Hey, man, if you want, we can open up

the connecting door and we can hang out this weekend."

He was not ready for that.

And now he can't get his key to work.

He's like...

"Uh... no, thank you.

No, I'm-I'm good."

And I said, "No, think about it.

"When was the last time you made a new friend?

"We'll talk each other to sleep at night.

"Wake each other up in the morning.

I got towels, you got towels, you know."

He gets his door open and he goes,

"I don't think I want that to happen."

But before he can close it, I stop and I go, "Listen.

"If you change your mind,

just knock and scratch."

(laughter)

He looks at me, dead serious, he goes,

"I-I probably won't be doing that."

I look over to the kid to see if I made the kid laugh,

he's not, he's already in the room.

I did the joke for nobody.

(laughter)

I literally walk in the room.

And he's not even, like, putting the bags up.

I'm not being... but he's just dumping them on the fl--

Like, flipping them onto the floor.

And now I'm like, "I got to tip him."

But I don't know how much to tip him.

Normally I tip five bucks for a bag,

but it's five bags, that's 25 bucks.

He just put them on a cart, but here's the problem.

I'm doing the math in my head in front of him.

I'm going, "Oh, it's 25 bucks...

Lot of money for just flipping them on the thing..."

The kid sees me doing this and he goes,

"Sir, you don't have to give me anything."

I said, "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

"I got to give you something.

You brought them all the way up."

He goes, "No, that's what I got hired to do

"was to take your bags from your car to your room.

"That's what I get paid for.

You don't have to give me anything."

I go, "No, but you brought them all the way up.

I got to give you something."

And he goes, "No, you don't.

Just knock and scratch."

(laughter)

I'm like...

"Seriously?"

He's like, "Dead serious."

So, me and this kid go up to the door.

(laughter)

And I knock and I scratch.

And you hear the old man go,

"I don't want to fucking hang out!"

Oh, my God!

(applause, whooping)

I thought this kid was gonna laugh himself to death.

He literally was doubled over like,

"Do it again! Do it again!"

Best part of the story is,

he goes down and Googles me

and shows me to every black dude who works in the hotel.

So for the whole weekend, any time I walk down there,

they're like, "Oh, knock-scratch motherfucker."

(laughter)

"Knock, scratch, man. I'm gonna, I'll answer the door!"

I fought a bear one time.

(applause, cheering)

Yeah.

Uh, I used to have a show on FX

called Hurt Bert, where I took dangerous men's jobs.

It was a TV show.

It was back in 2002, I think.

Uh...

I-I was a dominatrix gimp, I was an MMA fighter,

I was a rodeo clown, I was a football player,

I was a stunt pilot, I swam with great white sharks

out of the cage, and one day they called me up,

they're like, "Hey, do you want to fight a bear?"

I was like, "Who does that for a living?"

And they're like, "You do on Thursday."

I show up.

It is a nine-foot grizzly bear.

Just sitting on a park bench

as dumb as you think a bear would look, just...

(laughter)

So, I go up to the bear.

I'm, like, 28 years old, probably.

I go up to the bear and I stick my hand out

in front of his snout so he can get my scent.

The trainer sees us and he goes, "What are you doing?"

I go, "I'm letting him get my scent."

And he goes, "Hey, buddy, this is a grizzly bear,

not a labradoodle, okay?"

He goes, "We have protocol."

I go, "What's that?"

And he pulls me over to the side,

and he hands me five marshmallows.

He goes, "When the bear's not looking, take a marshmallow,

"put it in your mouth, then nonchalantly,

"walk in front of the bear like huh,

show him the marshmallow like huh..."

"...and allow him the opportunity to engage you

"and take the marshmallow out of your mouth with his mouth.

This way he'll learn to trust you."

And I was like, "Fuck that.

"Who thought of this-- the bear?

Is this the bear's idea?"

And the guy just looks me down, he goes,

"Hey, this is how we do it."

My whole crew's behind him like,

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ This is how we do it. ♪

So I don't know any better. I'm 28 years old.

I go behind the bear.

I take a marshmallow, I put it in my mouth.

I walk in front of him like a street hooker.

Like, "Huh.

"Huh? Huh?

Huh, huh!"

The bear sees the marshmallow and lights up just like...

(roaring)

And I'm going... (crying)

He rushes me with the grace of a frat boy at 5:00 a.m.

and tongues it out of my mouth.

Bears never brush their teeth.

I'm making out with a homeless person five times in a row.

Just... (retching)

(grunting)

(retching)

I get done.

The trainer goes, "Fantastic.

We're ready."

I go, "Hold on, I haven't learned anything."

He goes, "What, are you kidding me?

You learned the most important lesson."

I go, "What's that?" And he goes,

"The bear likes marshmallows."

(laughter)

I go, "What good's that do me?"

And he goes, "Listen, if you get in trouble,

"just stand your ground, look the bear in the face,

"and just go, 'Marshmallow.'

"And he'll know you're gonna do your marshmallow trick,

"so he'll give you some space, but more importantly,

"we'll hear you say that and we'll know you're in trouble,

"so we'll get you out of there. We'll take the bear.

We'll, we'll split it up."

I go, "Yeah, but he thinks they're inside me."

(laughter)

"What if he's like, 'Don't worry, I'll get them,'

and just... rips me open?"

He goes, "You'll be fine. Let's go!"

And I swear to God the bear is smiling.

Just, "Oh, I know how to get marshmallows

"around here, bitch.

I got to tap you out."

Rushes me, grabs me by both ears,

lifts me off the ground and starts rag-dolling me

and growling. (roaring)

I'm going, "Marshmallow! Marshmallow!"

But no one can hear me 'cause there's

a nine-foot grizzly bear going... (roaring)

All of a sudden he drops me,

grabs me by the hip, spins me doggy-style,

locks in, in a bear hug,

and starts grinding on my ass.

Now we're both facing the crew and the trainer.

I'm going, "Fucking marshmallow!

"Marshmallow, mar-- Get me the fuck out of here!

Marshmallow!"

Everyone's laughing, except for the trainer,

who has a look of panic.

He jumps in our eye line and goes, "Go limp!"

I'm like...

Please be talking to me right now.

And not the b...

Is there a bear cock climbing up my jeans?

About to split center seam just...

"Marshmallow!"

So I go limp.

Now it looks like I'm getting date-raped by a bear just...

(grunting)

I slide out of his grip

and that's the last thing I remember.

Because apparently his instincts took over

and he sat on my face.

And the best way to get bear balls out of your mouth

isn't by saying "Marshmallow."

(laughter)

My wife, my wife,

who I'd known maybe three months,

I had invited her to the set to impress her.

(laughter)

My wife's a redneck, like a legit redneck.

Like... like hard-co--

like her parents met on AncestryMingle.com.

Like...

When she talks, you smell biscuits.

Like...

She-- my point is she's not afraid of big animals.

She just goes over, grabs the marshmallow out of the bag,

puts it in her mouth, stands by my feet

and goes, "Huh!"

The bear then takes his balls

out of my mouth,

goes over to her, the-- he takes the marshmallow

out of her mouth, they take my wife one way,

the bear the other way, they drag me under a tree,

and that's where I wake up.

Under a tree in the lap of my producer Tim Scott,

who's from like the upper top of Minnesota.

Real dry, still had a flattop.

Cherubic face.

I open my eyes, I see him and I go,

"What happened?"

He's like, "Well...

uh, you got raped and tea-bagged by a bear."

(laughter)

"You might want to get tested."

He's like, "But that,

"that girl, that LeeAnn girl, she,

I think she saved your life."

And my wife comes over at that moment like it's in a movie.

Like, my wife just comes walking over.

Her body's blocking the sun.

All I see is, like, an orb around her.

And she leans in, and as she does,

you can see the sun running through her hair.

Like, she just looks me in the eye, she goes, "Are you okay?"

And I looked up at her at that moment,

and we all know that moment when you know without a doubt,

that's the moment, and I know you're like,

"Really? That's when you knew?"

Oh, fuck it, this is my narrative, okay?

I looked up at her from the ground and saw her

with the halo from the Lord himself,

and knew without a doubt

I would never do that for her.

(laughter)

Still wouldn't.

When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian Mafia.

Here's how it happened.

(cheering, whooping)

I went to school at Florida State.

I was not a very good student.

I was there, uh, like, seven years?

I was there... in most of the '90s.

I... I was in college longer than grunge music was around.

(laughing)

(man whoops)

So...

(laughs)

So... this is how bad of a student I was.

One time, I signed up for a Russian class

thinking it was Spanish.

And it took three classes before I realized,

"I don't think this is Spanish."

(chuckles)

So I got up to leave.

The teacher, who was hot.

He definitely worked out.

I'm kidding, I don't...

It was a girl. It was a girl.

And she was hot. She still is hot.

She stopped me. She goes, "Don't go anywhere.

"I need 14 kids to teach this class.

"You're the 14th.

"I need to teach this class in order to get my masters,

"so... if you sit back down,

"you don't have to do anything all semester

and I'll just give you a 'C.'"

I was like, "Uh...

Zdravstvuyte, bitches, I'm back!"

(laughter)

So I took Russian one, two, three and four.

Never learned a word.

Think about what I'm saying.

I took two years of a language.

Two-- four semesters of my college career.

Four-four semesters.

Russian four was taught in Russian.

Do you have any idea what it's like

to go to a class and sit there

like an immigrant at the DMV all day?

Like...

(laughter, applause)

The end of Russian four, same teacher pulls me aside.

She's like, "We're taking a trip to Russia.

If you go, you'll get a minor."

I was like, "Okay, hold on.

"You know,

"I can't really speak, read, write

or understand the language, right?"

She's like, "I'm fucking well aware of that."

(laughter)

You got to remember

I was taking tests in a language

with which I was unfamiliar with their alphabet.

(laughter)

Do you have any idea what it's like to take a test

and make up hieroglyphics?

And the answer is star, circle, hashtag, shoe.

(laughter, scattered clapping)

She goes, "It doesn't matter.

"We need kids to make this trip happen.

"And if you go with all the classes you've taken,

and the ones you will take, you-you will get a minor."

And I was like, "That's all you had to say.

Let's go to Russia and fuck some minors."

(laughter)

It's a different-- it was a different minor,

obviously.

Learned that the hard way.

So, we went to Russia in 1995.

This is when the mob ran everything,

and they told us that our very first night.

They sat the whole class down.

They're like, "Listen, we have paid off

"the Mafia to keep you safe.

In exchange for our money, they give us two young gangsters."

I'm in the room like, "This trip just got fucking awesome."

The word for gangster in Russian is bandity.

They go, "These bandity are gonna live with us.

"They're gonna walk you to class.

"They're gonna walk you back from class.

"They're gonna take you on field trips,

"walk you back from field trips.

"Do not speak to them.

"They're in the Mafia.

"Do not look at them,

do not engage them, do not interact with them."

I was like, "Well, they're gonna be my best fucking friends."

So, the first night I grab a bottle of vodka

and a six pack of Baltika, which is their local beer,

and I planned a sentence.

I was gonna say...

(speaking Russian)

(moaning)

Does anyone speak Russian in here?

-(audience muttering) -WOMAN: No.

I love that someone says, "No."

"No.

I did a head count earlier, it doesn't look like it."

I'll tell you what this sentence says.

It's a badass sentence.

I worked all day on it.

"Hello.

"My name's Bert.

"It's very nice to meet you.

"I work...

(singsongy): pussy."

Kind of.

It really means I work with cats.

I didn't know the fucking language, what do you expect?

Uh, it doesn't matter, 'cause the second the door opens

and I'm face-to-face with a real Russian gangster

with the wife beater and the tattoos with the track pants

and the cigarette... and he just stares me up and down.

A frat boy from Florida State.

I was wearing a fanny pack.

He just looks at me and goes...

(speaks Russian)

I fucking panicked, and everything I had planned

on saying flooded out of my head, and all I said to him

in Russian, in his doorway, was,

"I am The Machine."

And he started laughing.

He goes, "What did you say?"

I was like, "I'm The Machine!"

He grabs me and he goes, "Come in and tell my friends."

Brings me in a room full of nine

Russian gangsters drinking

and smoking and just goes, "Stop!

Tell them what you said."

Now I'm like, "Fuck it.

I'm The Machine!"

They looked at each other, looked at me, and they're like,

"Fuck it. He's The Machine!"

And I became The Machine and these guys loved me.

Yes.

You... you got to realize, though.

The reason they loved me is I went shot for shot with them

that night, all night long

until, like, 4:00 in the morning.

But all I knew how to say in their language was,

"I'm The Machine!"

And "I fuck cats."

So... we did everything together.

We, uh, like, the guy that answered the door,

his name was Igor. He was like my best friend.

We did everything together.

We ran a pool hall scam.

We stole a boat.

It was literally the best summer of my life.

And then one day the whole class is taking a trip to Moscow.

It's an overnight train trip and I say to Igor,

I go, "This is gonna be a blast. We got to be in the same cabin."

And he goes, "I can't go."

I said, "Why not?"

And he goes, "Different Mafia runs train,

different Mafia runs Moscow."

I said, "Whoa, whoa, hold on.

What's that mean for me?"

And he goes, "Don't worry.

"I set up bandity.

"I tell them about you.

They'll take care of you."

Sure enough, we get to the train station

and he introduces me

to my two new gangsters, Igor and Igor.

And he says to them, he goes, "Guys, this is The Machine.

If you give The Machine vodka, you'll have a great time."

The bigger of the two Igors looks like

a kid on Christmas.

He's like, "Oh, I can't wait

to play with The Machine."

He grabs me and he goes, "The Machine doesn't sit in coach.

The Machine sits in first class with us."

I'm like, "That's what I'm fucking talking about."

We go to first class and it is pimped out with booze, food--

and here's the real gangster part--

the second the train takes off out of the station,

everyone that works in the train comes in to pay their respects.

The conductor walked in.

Rips off the stars and stripes to his shirt,

places them on my lap, and goes,

"This is a present for The Machine."

"It would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with The Machine."

I'm 22 years old thinking, "Huh, these Machine stories

might have gotten out of control."

We drank all the booze in an hour and big Igor stands up

and he goes, "Machine, we go to the bar cart to get more vodka."

I'm like, "Fuck it. I'm in the mob,

I'll do whatever the fuck I want."

We roll into the bar cart like a big dick

in a locker room, just... (hisses)

Not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it.

Just smack. You know the look,

where everyone looks and like, "Oh, shit.

"Okay.

Whoa, someone's here. Okay, all right."

Igor looks at me

and in Russian he says,

"Machine, go behind the bar and grab bread."

In Russian. In Russian.

And I understood him.

For a second I'm like, "I'm fucking learning."

I'm learning the language my way,

not through flash cards and textbooks,

but by joining the Mafia.

I get behind the bar, I'm like, "Igor! I know what you said!"

He's like, "Good for you, Machine.

Can The Machine find cheese?"

And I was like, "Syr. Cheese! I got it."

"Give me another one." And he's like, "Grab vodka."

I was like, "I already know that one.

Give me another one."

He's like, "Grab the money."

I'm like, "Huh?"

He goes, "Grab the fucking money."

And I realize in that instant,

uh, we're robbing the bar cart...

and I'm the one doing it, Hooked on Phonics style.

I grab the money, walk out, two of my classmates see me

and they're like, "You're in so much trouble."

Go back to our first class cabin and within five minutes

the head chaperone of this train trip, not the whole trip,

just this train trip, she was an English teacher

who did not speak Russian,

who hated me...

before I robbed the train.

She comes over to our first class cabin

and swings the door open with that, like,

liberal arts confidence.

Just...

"This shit is over.

"You're done. You're done.

"Stand up right now.

"You-you stand up.

"Stand... how dare... how... you're done.

Stand up!"

And big Igor looks at me confused,

then smiles, takes a big sip of vodka, spits it in her eyes,

and goes, "No one talks to The Machine like that."

Shuts the door in her face and he goes,

"Fuck that bitch. This is Russia."

"No..."

"Don't worry, Machine, when it gets dark we have good time."

I'm like, "What the fuck are we doing when it gets dark?!"

Reaches into his pocket,

pulls out a ring of keys,

and he goes, "We're robbing

the whole fucking train."

I'm a good person.

I don't cheat... I don't cheat... This is why...

L-Let me tell you. I don't cheat on my wife.

I don't cheat on my wife because one morning our whole family

was in bed-- the dogs, the cats, the girls, my wife--

and we were just giggling and it was pure.

It was perfect, and I don't... I thought to myself,

"I don't ever want to screw this up.

"This is the most important thing.

This is what life's about."

And they got up to make chop-- chocolate chip pancakes,

and I laid in bed and I said, "I will never cheat on my wife."

I had a conversation with myself.

I said, "If I ever get into a situation

"where a hot girl is flirting with me,

"or I think she's flirting with me,

"and it seems like it could go further,

I'm just gonna cock-block myself."

I'm just gonna look her in the face in front of everyone

and go, "I don't cheat on my wife!"

Now, I may be wrong.

She may not be hitting on me.

She may throw a drink in my face, slap me,

or I may be right.

I-- none of that matters to me.

What matters to me is that I don't cheat on my wife

because I've already had that conversation.

Here's the problem.

I never had that conversation about robbing trains.

So, when presented the opportunity,

I thought I'd be like, "Not me.

I'm gonna go back and work on my verbs."

But apparently, when presented the opportunity,

I'm the guy that's like, "Fuck it.

Let's start with my class."

So, we robbed

them first... while they slept

if that makes it better...

and then we robbed the whole train.

And if it's any consolation, we robbed me, too.

My bag was with them.

And then we drank all night long.

All night long... like, literally,

until 6:00 in the morning.

Top five drunkest I've ever been without throwing up

in my entire life.

We pull into Moscow at 6:00 a.m.

I am piss drunk.

You ever been so drunk, you're like,

"I know I got to piss but I can't find my dick"?

Train stops.

Sun's up.

I'm hammered.

Door opens.

Same teacher, not mad.

Curious, right?

She looks me in the eyes smiling and goes, "I want to be the one

to tell you they've alerted the police."

And I look out and on the platform my whole class

is standing there with a cop, talking.

They're upset. They've been robbed.

I get it.

Apparently they'd never heard snitches get stitches.

Big Igor sees this and is completely unfazed.

He's like... (scoffs)

"Don't worry.

I talk to police for both of us."

I was like, "Oh, thank God."

He cracks a bottle of vodka.

I'm like, eh, I wouldn't bring that out to an officer, maybe.

Lights a cigarette, walks out to the cop...

who's taking a statement.

The cop is taking a statement.

Igor walks up behind him, grabs him by the arm,

spins him around and goes, "Fuck you!

"We fuck you in the mouth!

We fuck you in the ass! We..."

I'm like, "Stop with the fucking 'we' shit!"

Now the cop is just staring at me and I hear him bark out...

(speaks Russian)

...which I don't even know what that means,

but it doesn't sound like, "You're okay. Stay there."

It is a come-to-Jesus moment

where you know you've fucked up.

All I thought as I walked to the cop,

who's standing in front of the class I just robbed,

next to the gangster I robbed them with,

my only thought was, "This isn't how I planned

on spending my second junior year."

In the gulag taking hot dicks to the throat.

I get five steps from the cop, who looks impatient as shit.

He takes two big-ass steps, grabs me by the arm,

spins me away from my class, away from Igor,

pulls me right into his face and he goes,

"So...

I understand you're The Machine."

"Nice."

"Tonight you party with us."

I was like, "What?"

He's like, "Tonight you party with us, yes?"

And I looked at him and I was like, "Wait.

I'm not in trouble?"

And he gets so close to me

I can smell his morning cigarette and he goes,

"No.

Fuck that bitch. This is Russia."

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, everyone, for coming out tonight.

From the bottom of my heart, this means the world to me.

Thank you so much.

Take care! God bless!

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