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♪ ♪
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ANNOUNCER:
Please welcome Bert Kreischer!
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(audience cheering)
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(cheering louder)
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Oh...
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Sit down, please.
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Oh, yeah.
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♪ ♪
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All right, cut the music.
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Cut the music.
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Yes, yes.
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MAN:
The Machine!
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The Machine, yes.
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(laughter)
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Don't worry,
I didn't drive out here
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not to tell that story,
okay, guys?
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You think they gave me
all these cameras,
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and I won't bring that up?
(laughs)
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Yeah, I am The Machine.
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I'm also a father of two
with high blood pressure.
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And possibly an inactive
thyroid, because...
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my wife scheduled
a fucking blood panel
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this week.
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(stammers)
"I got you a blood panel.
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I thought we should know
if something's wrong with you."
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I go, "I'm shooting
a special on Friday.
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"Do you think maybe...
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you can hold off?"
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"Well, don't you
want to know?"
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No, not this fucking week, no.
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I didn't even know
men had thyroids.
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(laughter)
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I'm being dead serious.
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Doctor's like,
"Does your dad have a thyroid?"
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And I was like,
"I don't think so."
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He's like, "Holy cow,
are you serious?
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How about his dad?"
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I go,
"No, definitely not, yeah.
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"You should know
if something's wrong,
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'cause you have children."
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Fuck that.
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Do you...?
I did not sign up
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for this responsibility
to be a grown-up.
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I don't know if you guys
feel the way I do.
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But just, like,
growing up sucks dick.
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-(laughter)
-(man whoops)
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I'm, like, kids?
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I got two kids.
I got two kids.
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I got, uh, Georgia is 11.
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Blond hair, blue eyes,
real smart.
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And, uh, I got another one.
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(laughter)
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I don't know if you guys
got one of those kids
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that was just...
a fucking mess, like...
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literally, like,
board-certified messes.
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Like, if it wasn't my kid,
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I'd be like, "She's stupid."
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But she's mine, so I love her.
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Just doesn't think right.
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Her brain, like...
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Last-- this morning,
we're cuddling in bed, I--
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she's laying on my arm,
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laying on my arm,
and she starts doing this.
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(grunting)
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I go, "What are you doing?"
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She goes, "I'm trying
to soften it up."
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(laughter, applause)
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I go, "It's my arm, Ila."
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"I know.
It's hard as a rock."
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Dyslexic.
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Dyslexic as shit.
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Like, you got to read with her.
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You can't let her
read by herself,
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'cause she just won't.
She just won't.
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It's too hard, and, uh,
your heart breaks.
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But I don't want
to sit and read a book.
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(laughter)
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I have a hard time reading, too.
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And then... you got...
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She just sits there
and looks at the word
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and then, like, tries
to guess it off your face.
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Like...
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(laughter)
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"Pterodactyl?"
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No, it's "the," Ila.
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Very few-few books you're
gonna read in your life
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are gonna start off
with "Pterodactyl."
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"Crocodile?"
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No, "the car," Ila.
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"The car."
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She's smart.
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Just not like
a useful-to-society smart.
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Like, you'll never reap the
benefits of her intelligence,
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I promise you that,
unless you have a dead body
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in your trunk at 2:00 a.m....
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There was
an attempted kidnapping
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in a school adjacent to ours.
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And the teacher
sat the kids down,
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told them
they needed a safe word.
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Ila comes home locked in.
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"Dad... we need a safe word."
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I'm like,
"Okay, how about 'Agnes'?
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That's the street we live on."
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She goes, "Too easy."
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(laughter)
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"Too easy?"
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"Yeah, too easy."
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I go, "Why is that?"
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She goes, "Dad,
they could guess that."
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I go, "Hey, Ila, if someone's
guessing at our safe word,
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don't get in their fucking car."
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(laughter)
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(quietly):
Fuck.
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(scattered clapping)
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I go, "How about 'Priscilla'?
That's our dog."
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She goes,
"Are you even thinking?!"
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I go, "What do you
think it should be?"
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She doesn't even miss a beat.
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She goes,
"How about 'motherfucker'?"
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(laughter)
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(applause)
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"Think about it, Dad.
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No one's gonna say
'motherfucker' to a kid."
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(laughter)
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Oh, "motherfucker" it is,
motherfucker.
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And that was our safe word.
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(cheering, applause)
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Yeah.
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Wait, I had to change it.
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I had to change it.
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It was too good.
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I knew I was taking it onstage,
so I had to cha...
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But not before Stephen Fromkin
had to pick them up.
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He's like, "I'll get the girls."
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I was like, "Heads up--
our safe word's 'motherfucker.'"
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He's like, "I can't say
that to your kids."
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I was like, "Good luck
getting Ila home."
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He pulls up,
Georgia jumps in the car
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like she's trying
to get molested.
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Ila's locked down.
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"What's our safe word?"
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She's known this guy
eight of her nine years.
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"What's our safe word?"
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He's like,
"Ila, I know the safe word.
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It's a bad word.
I'm not saying it out loud."
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She goes, "Then I'm
not getting in your car."
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He looks at her and he goes,
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"The safe word is
'motherfucker.'"
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She looks at him in front
of all the teachers
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and goes, "I can't hear you."
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(laughter)
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That's this child.
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You get these
two morons together?
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Holy shit!
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Georgia's like the caveman
that discovered fire.
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Ila's like the caveman
who discovered
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Stop, Drop and Roll.
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They woke up one morning.
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One morning they wake up
at 5:00 in the morning...
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They were younger.
They-- I don't know
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how old they were,
but they were younger.
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Like, I don't trust dads
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who know exactly
how old their kids are.
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(laughter)
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If you're talking to a dad and
he's like, "16 months today,"
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he'd better be married
to another dad.
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(laughter, applause)
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And that's--
I don't mean that homophobic.
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I'm not homophobic at all.
I'm not, I'm not.
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I'm definitely not.
I'm more like a homo-chondriac.
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Like, I'm comfortable
if you're gay,
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I'm comfortable
with your lifestyle.
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I'm just afraid one night
you'll get me drunk
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and trick me into it...
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and I'll like it.
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(laughing):
That's my fear!
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I'll like it
and I'll be good at it.
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Just...
(snorts, honking)
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Line 'em up!
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(honking)
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(laughter)
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(sighs)
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So I saw a gay porn once
for, like, 45 minutes,
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let me tell you something.
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Holy shit!
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Ladies, you got to step up
your blow job game.
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Yeah.
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You're still playing
JV basketball,
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and the gay guys are
the Harlem Globetrotters.
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Yeah, dunking on cocks!
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Gong!
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Holding their own head.
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Fuck this face, son!
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(chuckles)
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What the fuck
are we talking about?
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I'm literally...
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How did I get off
on this gay rant?
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(laughter)
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WOMAN:
Oh, my Go-- oh, my God!
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The fucking...
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Oh, my daughters!
My daughters! My daughters!
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Huh.
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00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,686
Gay guys sucking cock--
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oh, my daughters,
okay, here we go.
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This'll work.
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My daughters woke up...
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00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,280
at 5:00 in the morning,
5:00 in the morning.
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They were younger.
They were like f-f-f...
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00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,783
three and five,
four and six...
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00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,619
They-they weren't
wearing watches, so...
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00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,080
they wake up at 5:00 in the
morning, 5:00 in the morning.
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00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,748
5:00 in the fucking morning,
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00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:38,750
'cause they're training to be
farmers or some shit.
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00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:42,337
Either that, or they run
a meth lab out of the closet.
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00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,839
I don't know.
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00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,716
All we hear is them
laughing hysterically
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00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,092
on the baby monitor
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00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:50,470
like two homeless guys
who just found a 20.
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00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,890
So I go downstairs,
this is what I see.
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00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:56,561
Ila, my baby, is naked,
which isn't weird,
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00:07:56,561 --> 00:07:58,312
because apparently one time
I told her,
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00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:02,566
"Sometimes you got
to let your shit breathe."
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00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,568
Uh, we only know that,
224
00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:07,529
'cause that's what she told
the preschool teacher.
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00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:10,657
Yeah, on the swing set
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00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,744
in a dress just
airing her shit out.
227
00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,663
Just...
(whooshing)
228
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,665
Va-jay-jay!
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00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:21,335
Teacher's like, "Oh, Ila, honey,
where are your panties?"
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00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:22,586
She just hops off.
231
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,212
"Sometimes you got
to let your shit breathe."
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00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,672
(laughter)
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00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,966
(scattered claps)
234
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,928
Ila's in the raw--
I-Ila's naked.
235
00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:33,472
Georgia's in the rocking chair,
laughing hysterically.
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00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:35,349
And our dog's sitting
in between them like,
237
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:37,768
"I don't fucking know."
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00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:38,936
So I come in, I'm like,
"Hey, guys,
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00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,604
"it's really early
in the morning.
240
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,314
"Mommy and I are still sleeping.
241
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,732
What could possibly
be so funny?"
242
00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:45,150
Georgia gets in my face,
goes, "Daddy,
243
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,902
"you got to see
Baby Ila's new trick.
244
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,487
It is hilarious."
245
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:49,529
I said, "What is it?"
246
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,697
She goes, "No.
247
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,282
"I don't want to spoil it
for you, Dad.
248
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,034
"You got to see it.
249
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,869
Ila, show Daddy the trick."
250
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,372
So Ila, my baby,
251
00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:00,374
the lunatic, the naked one,
252
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:03,377
real quick, real quick,
253
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:05,170
takes her finger
and shoves it up her ass.
254
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,296
(audience groans)
255
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,839
Don't fucking judge me.
256
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:08,882
(laughter)
257
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,175
You think I was ready
to parent that?
258
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,259
It's 5:00 in the morning.
259
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,803
You think you could've
parented it?
260
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:15,305
The Super Nanny
couldn't have stopped it.
261
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,183
And now it's in there--
as a parent,
262
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,352
I kind of want to see
the second part of the trick.
263
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,729
(laughter)
264
00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,440
She takes it out of her ass,
265
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,317
and puts it in the dog's mouth.
266
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,735
Now...
Hey! Hey!
267
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:29,903
Hey, fuck you!
268
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,238
I saw it, okay?!
269
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,657
I'm just telling you about it,
I sa-- I was like,
270
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:36,201
"What the fuck is wrong
with you two?!
271
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:39,121
"What are you guys-- Germans?!
272
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:40,706
"New rule!
273
00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:42,165
"We do not put our fingers
in our butts
274
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,042
"and then put them
in our animals' mouths!
275
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:47,337
I can't believe
I'm saying this!"
276
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:49,673
Georgia gets in my face,
goes, "Calm down.
277
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,550
It's funny.
You just don't get it."
278
00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:53,135
(laughter)
279
00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:58,598
"What, what part of that trick
is funny, Georgia?"
280
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,808
She didn't even miss a beat.
She goes,
281
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:03,020
"We've been doing it
all morning...
282
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,731
and the dog doesn't know
it's poop, Dad."
283
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,734
I'm like, "Fuck it.
Do it again."
284
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,653
They do it again,
the dog comes right back.
285
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,738
Like, "What's on the finger?
What's on the finger?
286
00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:14,364
"Oh, it's shit!
287
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:17,242
What's on that finger?
What's on that finger?"
288
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,369
So, an hour later
when my wife woke up,
289
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:22,330
I'm like, "You got to see
Baby Ila's new trick."
290
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,915
She's like, "What is it?"
291
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,792
And I was like, "I don't
want to spoil it for you.
292
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,211
You got to see it.
Ila, show Mommy the trick."
293
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,630
And Ila just goes to town--
wham, wham!
294
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,633
My wife's like, "What
the fuck is wrong with you?!"
295
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,093
I'm like, "Give it an hour.
296
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,429
"It gets funnier.
297
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:40,015
"The dog doesn't know it's shit.
298
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,266
"No, watch the dog.
299
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,976
It's a rescue-- it's fine."
300
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,730
(laughter)
301
00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:48,356
Kids, kids.
302
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,068
Kids.
(laughs)
303
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,819
It's the fact that you think
about them all the time.
304
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,280
You do, nonstop. I jumped out
of a plane with Rachael Ray.
305
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,907
(man whoops)
306
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:57,991
Is she here?
307
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,703
(laughter)
308
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:03,997
Rachael Ray
is a fucking gangster.
309
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,374
Like, legit gang...
310
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,168
She comes in.
I do her show.
311
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,337
She comes backstage at,
like, 8:00 in the morning.
312
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,215
She's got a pint of Guinness,
a bowl of chili
313
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,050
with a fried egg on top.
314
00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,552
(moans)
315
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,346
She comes back, she goes,
"I know you're a comic.
316
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,681
"I thought a beer might loosen
you up before the show.
317
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,683
I don't know if you like,
uh, chili with an egg?"
318
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,310
I'm like...
(muttering)
319
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,187
As she hands it to me, she goes,
320
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,522
"What's one thing you'd never do
321
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,065
on your show
Bert the Conqueror?"
322
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,817
I have a show Bert the Conqueror
where I do extreme activities.
323
00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:34,111
-(cheering) -She goes,
"What's...?" Thank you, yeah.
324
00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:35,654
Thank you. She goes, "What's
one thing you'd never do?"
325
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,114
And I had an answer--
it's skydiving.
326
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,907
I go, "I know I'd
never go skydiving."
327
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,034
She goes, "Really?" I go,
"Never. I don't want to go."
328
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,787
She goes, "Awesome.
I'll see you out onstage."
329
00:11:42,787 --> 00:11:44,704
I was like, "Oh, I wonder
why she asked that."
330
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,206
(laughter)
331
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,582
I get out on the stage,
332
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:49,584
and the first thing
she says to the crowd is,
333
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,878
"All right, all right,
backstage,
334
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,381
Bert said he'd
never go skydiving."
335
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:57,676
I'm like,
"Bitch, that was a secret."
336
00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,427
She's like, "Who wants
to see him do it?"
337
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:02,681
And now I have 500 women going,
"Do it, fat boy!"
338
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,724
And I got the beer in me,
the chili.
339
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,977
I'm like, "Fuck it!
Let's go! Let's go!"
340
00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:09,813
Two weeks later,
I'm strapped to a dude.
341
00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:11,774
You know that's how you skydive?
342
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:15,610
Just strapped to a dude
in a prison rape harness?
343
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,988
That's how you skydive.
344
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:21,658
Just stra-- and he tells you
when to walk, when to sit.
345
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,536
It is massively emasculating.
346
00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:26,163
Has anyone ever been
skydiving in here?
347
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,497
-(scattered whoops)
-You've been.
348
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,332
You've been. And so, you,
you get in the plane
349
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:30,917
and you're sitting
in a dude's lap.
350
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,670
You're sitting--
your Navy SEAL moment,
351
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,173
and you're sitting
in a dude's lap.
352
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:38,801
And I start shaking,
'cause I'm nervous.
353
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,427
I'm, like, freaking out.
354
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,137
And he's-- can feel me,
'cause I-I realize
355
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:44,347
as we go to taxi, I realize
I haven't flown sober
356
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:45,765
in 20 years.
357
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,642
(laughter)
358
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,854
Sober in a big plane
in 20 years.
359
00:12:49,854 --> 00:12:53,106
And I haven't flown
in a dude's lap in 42.
360
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,192
And he feels me shaking
and he's like,
361
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:56,819
"What's the matter?"
362
00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,111
I go, "What do you mean
what's the matter?"
363
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,864
I go, "I'm nervous."
364
00:12:59,864 --> 00:13:01,281
He goes, "About what?"
365
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,324
"What do you mean about what?"
366
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,491
He goes,
"What are you nervous...?
367
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,701
What are you afraid of?"
368
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,786
I go, "I don't know--
you'll get hard."
369
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,371
(laughter)
370
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,581
"You'll, you'll get hard.
371
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,042
"That'll trigger me.
I'll get hard.
372
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:13,376
"We'll both get hard,
373
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,878
"then we'll jump
out of the plane,
374
00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,171
"our chute won't open,
375
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:18,715
"and that's how two
backpackers will find us.
376
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,884
"You fucking me into the earth.
377
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:23,970
You fucking me
into the planet."
378
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,597
That'll be the how I go...
379
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:28,600
This guy craved dick so bad,
380
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,060
he had a man harness him up
381
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,645
and fuck him out of his shoes
382
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:35,357
until his head
exploded in the woods.
383
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,818
I go, "I'm nervous
our chute won't open."
384
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,111
(laughs)
385
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:42,447
He goes, "You couldn't
kill us if you tried."
386
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:43,866
I'm like, "I'm a smart guy.
387
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,659
I can fucking figure it out."
388
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,870
I lean over to Rachael
and I grab her leg.
389
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,247
Her leg, just...
It's the most uncom--
390
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,998
just grab her leg
and I start squeezing.
391
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,375
She goes, "What's the matter?"
392
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,710
I go, "I don't want to do this."
393
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,337
She goes, "I, I think
you're doing it."
394
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,214
She's like, "You're at the front
of the tube of toothpaste.
395
00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:00,674
"Everyone's out behind--
you're going.
396
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,260
You're definitely going."
397
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,095
I go, "No, I-I don't want to,"
and she goes, "You're, look..."
398
00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:07,222
And now the engines kick in
and she starts yelling at me.
399
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,140
She goes,
"Look, you'll be fine!
400
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,101
"Whatever you do,
401
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:13,061
"do not watch me
go out the door!
402
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,772
You will freak the fuck out!"
403
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,858
I'm like, "Who taught you how
to talk someone off a ledge?"
404
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,820
We get up
to our cruising altitude,
405
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,072
her and her dude
get up perfectly,
406
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,282
like Danny and Sandy, just
407
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:27,910
"a wop baba lumop
a wop bam boom!"
408
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,869
She posts up at the door,
409
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,329
looks me in the eyes,
does her read,
410
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,831
one take to camera:
"I'm Rachael Ray.
411
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,374
"I'm at 30,000 feet
with Bert the Conqueror.
412
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,875
"We're about to jump
out of a... airplane!
413
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,294
Who's ready? Who...?
Yum-o" or whatever,
414
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,670
and then fucking, "Let's go!"
415
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,088
And then looks at me
and goes, "Bert!"
416
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,214
I'm like, "Yeah?"
417
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,590
She goes, "Don't watch this!"
418
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:43,842
And...
(whooshes)
419
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:47,137
they get sucked
out of the fucking plane!
420
00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:51,349
And I have panic
shoot out of my asshole.
421
00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:54,394
I grab onto the cameraman
who's not wearing a parachute.
422
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:57,814
There's an open door
at 13,000 feet.
423
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,733
And as soon as I touched him,
he just starts kicking me.
424
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,860
"Get off me, asshole!"
425
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,778
Sound guy posts up in the corner
426
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,405
with the boom mic
like a gladiator.
427
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,408
"Get him down!
Get him down!"
428
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,744
My guy just takes over
and Baby Bjorns me.
429
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,246
(grunts)
"Here we go."
430
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,042
Takes me to the corner
and I lock in.
431
00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,710
I go, "I'm having
second thoughts!"
432
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,628
He's like,
"We're going in three."
433
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:22,672
I'm like, "I'm not hard yet!"
434
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,299
"We're going in two."
435
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,508
And I was like,
"You go by yourself.
436
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,093
I'll meet you down there!"
437
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,012
And then he says, "Oh, my God,
what's wrong with your straps?"
438
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:30,180
I'm like, "What?"
439
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,848
(whooshes)
440
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:35,685
And we go screaming to the earth
at 100 miles an hour.
441
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,604
This guy's in my ear, like,
442
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,564
"Do you want to catch up
with Rachael?"
443
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:42,026
I'm like, "Fuck her--
she's dead to me."
444
00:15:42,026 --> 00:15:44,402
(laughter)
445
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,242
It is...
446
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:53,620
it is an epiphanous moment,
dare I say--
447
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,455
and my therapist says
I have a low threshold
448
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,166
for epiphanous moments, but...
449
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,585
And I always say, like,
did you want to go skydiving?
450
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:01,836
Okay.
451
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,296
The people that don't
want to go skydiving
452
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,048
are who should go skydiving.
453
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,967
It's those that don't want to go
that appreciate it the most.
454
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,136
You go, and you're just
Viking all the way.
455
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,679
Aah!
456
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,015
People who don't want to go,
457
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:16,059
there's a moment
where you realize
458
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,395
the dice have been rolled.
459
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,814
There's nothing you can do
to change this.
460
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,942
You're either gonna live or die
in five minutes,
461
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:27,320
and you can't take a pill
or start working out to stop it.
462
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,364
It is out of your control.
463
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,533
And you are forced
with a decision--
464
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,118
how do you meet your maker?
465
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,869
Do you go out like a Viking?
466
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,246
Aah!
467
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,081
Or do you start crying
like a baby?
468
00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,208
(wailing)
469
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,961
Oh, I picked,
I picked the Viking.
470
00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:45,547
I, at that moment, I said,
"I've had a beautiful life.
471
00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:46,798
Let's do it."
472
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,134
Aah!
473
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,552
Until the chute opened,
then I started crying
474
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:52,804
aggressively.
475
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:55,348
Like, bad.
Like, in a dude's lap.
476
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,850
(laughter)
477
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,977
Have you ever cried
in a man's lap?
478
00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:01,563
Have you ever had a man take you
out to the middle of a field
479
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,524
and sit in your lap
and just sob silently?
480
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,777
That's technically what I'm
doing to this poor guy.
481
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,029
'Cause the first thing
I thought of was my kids.
482
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,614
I'm gonna get
to see my kids again.
483
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:14,075
And pizza.
Like, I get pizza.
484
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,369
And I just started sobbing
under this canopy,
485
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,538
and the poor guy's like,
"Dude, it's gonna be okay.
486
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,331
Like, you, we're-we're,
we did it, we did it."
487
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:21,666
It was so bad, when we
went to land,
488
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:22,959
he's like,
"Clean yourself up.
489
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,336
They're gonna think
I did something to you."
490
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,090
And the on-- the last thing--
thought that stuck with me
491
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:30,049
was my children, that's it.
I go, "My children.
492
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,551
They're gonna have--
they have a dad!"
493
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,303
Like, that-- what?
That is not
494
00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,430
what I signed up for
when I picked my wife
495
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:38,558
out of a bowling alley,
like...
496
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,893
That makes no sense.
We met at a bowling alley.
497
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,603
But when I met her,
498
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,146
like, I didn't sign up
for the vulnerability.
499
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,148
That's the part
about having kids
500
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,317
that fucks you up is the vuln...
501
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:48,610
Do you have children?
502
00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:49,736
You do.
How many you got?
503
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:50,778
You got one?
504
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,780
Eh, you're barely in it.
505
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,033
Wait till you got two,
and you go, "Oh, shit.
506
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:56,743
If I lose one,
it's gonna be awkward."
507
00:17:56,743 --> 00:18:00,830
(laughter)
508
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,248
Children, the thing that'll f...
509
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,708
And I don't know
if you've been there.
510
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:04,959
How old's your kid?
511
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,920
Two-- oh, you're brand-new
to the game, man.
512
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,881
Wait till they meet
disaster in their life.
513
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:12,008
Or they meet letdown or-- oh.
514
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,802
We took the girls, we took
the girls to school this year.
515
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:17,055
Uh, LeeAnn takes Georgia.
516
00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:18,932
I take Ila.
517
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,141
Walk up...
(stammers)
518
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,309
the first day of school.
519
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,519
Now, here's the first thing
with girls.
520
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:23,686
First day of school,
521
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:24,938
you hope they have
friends in their class
522
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,981
or it's a shit show.
523
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,858
So, LeeAnn's got Georgia,
I take Ila.
524
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:30,276
We go up to the,
like on the fence.
525
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,778
They put all the names
on the fence.
526
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:32,904
I go up to the fence.
527
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,948
Ila can't read.
She's like... (groaning)
528
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,824
(laughter)
529
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,451
(short laugh)
530
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,203
(laughing):
I look at the,
531
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,288
I look at the list.
532
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,873
Room nine--
I walk over to room nine.
533
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,750
Here's what I see
as we walk over to room nine.
534
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,544
This is the first kid I see--
Chinese kid,
535
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:50,630
short, dumpy, big-big,
like, baby beluga head,
536
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:54,217
his hair starts in the middle,
right, and he's just got
537
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,511
this stare like a dog
who's got peanut butter
538
00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:58,471
stuck in his throat, like...
539
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,890
(laughter)
540
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,895
Kid behind him--
hand licker, just...
541
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,438
(grunting)
542
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:09,399
Like, he's trying to get
to the center of it, like...
543
00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:11,859
(grunting)
544
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,861
Kid behind him--
tippy-toe walker.
545
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:14,946
You know that kid?
546
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,364
Hand full of Pokémon cards.
547
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:17,865
"Hey, anyone want
to make a trade?
548
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,618
Anyone want to trade?"
549
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,453
Ila sees this and is like,
550
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:25,123
"Can I talk to you
for a second?"
551
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:26,958
We go over
to the handball courts.
552
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:28,167
I sit down.
553
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,961
This is what's happening.
554
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,629
Uh, Ila's got
her head back like this.
555
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:32,922
I don't know what she's doing.
556
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,882
She's got her head
back like this.
557
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:37,844
What she's doing is, she's
holding the tears in her eyes.
558
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,470
(audience groans)
559
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:40,805
Don't get me fucking started.
560
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,390
(laughter)
561
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,767
She brings her head
down to me.
562
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,311
And she--
and a tear falls out.
563
00:19:46,311 --> 00:19:48,062
She looks at me dead
in the eyes and she goes,
564
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:51,024
"Daddy, am I
in the stupid class?"
565
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,442
(audience groans)
566
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:56,195
I didn't fucking
sign up for this, okay?
567
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,781
I was a goddamn stallion
when my wife found me.
568
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:02,035
A st-- an untethered,
beautiful animal
569
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,911
just running at my own speed.
570
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,331
(grunting and neighing)
571
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,208
I was gorgeous!
572
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,418
No one controlled me.
573
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,544
I decided
what I wanted to do.
574
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,670
If it rained,
I'd run in the rain.
575
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,672
Just...
(grunting and neighing)
576
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,301
Mist coming off
my mane and tail
577
00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:19,385
and-and just rearing up
outside the village
578
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,220
for all the villagers to see.
579
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,598
(neighs)
580
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,725
And my wife was this diseased
settler with rickets.
581
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,936
Like, "Huh...
582
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,315
I need me a stallion."
583
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,569
So she snuck up on me
with a bag of carrots.
584
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,779
Carrots are blow jobs.
585
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,697
And was like...
586
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,866
(clicking tongue)
587
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:47,914
Come here, boy.
Come here, boy.
588
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,874
Here you go, boy.
Try it, you'll like it.
589
00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:51,584
No, you'll like it.
590
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,461
I bet you'll like it.
I bet you'll like it.
591
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,004
And you like it.
You try the carrot.
592
00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:57,382
You like it,
but what you don't realize
593
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,841
is that when they're
handing you the carrot,
594
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:01,135
with the other hand,
they start petting you.
595
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:04,555
That's them taming you.
596
00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,890
"Oh, you have a beautiful mane.
597
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,809
"Oh.
598
00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:09,560
You should start wearing
khakis."
599
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,397
(neighing)
600
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:15,817
"Oh, it's okay, boy.
It's okay.
601
00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:17,694
You should get rid
of your Jeep."
602
00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,487
(neighing)
603
00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:22,281
And then, one day,
out of nowhere,
604
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,033
the petting makes sense.
605
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:26,703
You feel them pets,
you're like, "Oh, yeah, huh.
606
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,538
"Maybe I should
go to the dentist
607
00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:31,457
more than once
every ten years."
608
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,043
And then, you don't even
realize it, but one morning,
609
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:35,712
you go to run just
like you used to run,
610
00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:37,505
just like everyone
loved to watch you run.
611
00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:39,674
And as you take off, you feel
someone pull back on the reigns.
612
00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,134
Like, "Whoa.
613
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:43,803
We don't do shots
at a child's party."
614
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:46,723
(laughter)
615
00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,725
(scattered applause)
616
00:21:48,725 --> 00:21:51,185
And there I am,
just an old nag now.
617
00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:53,312
I don't even get
carrots anymore.
618
00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:55,399
I just get hay.
619
00:21:55,399 --> 00:21:58,568
If I do get carrots, I got to
throw a temper tantrum for them.
620
00:21:58,568 --> 00:21:59,944
(laughter)
621
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,738
And now I'm sitting
in a pair of sweatpants
622
00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:04,031
by the handball courts
and I got a nine-year-old
623
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:06,117
breaking my heart
at 7:45 in the morning.
624
00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:08,578
This isn't what
I fucking signed up for.
625
00:22:08,578 --> 00:22:10,830
And I'm looking at her
and I'm, like, thinking
626
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,999
how do I deal with it--
like, like...
627
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,751
"Hey, it's okay.
628
00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:16,711
"Stupid classes are fun.
629
00:22:16,711 --> 00:22:18,755
"Like...
630
00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:22,300
"lowered expectation
is higher rewards, you know?
631
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:24,510
"I was, you know, I,
a lot of my friends--
632
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,053
"the guys that I smoked pot--
633
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:28,097
"they all stupid.
634
00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:31,100
Is-- stupid is
as stupid does, like...."
635
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,727
And LeeAnn comes over
and she's like,
636
00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:34,103
"Hey, what's going on here?"
637
00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:36,063
Now, we're both tearing up.
We're both crying.
638
00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:37,732
And she goes,
"What's going on?"
639
00:22:37,732 --> 00:22:40,444
And Ila's like--
I'm like...
640
00:22:40,444 --> 00:22:42,945
"She-- we think she's
in the stupid class.
641
00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,197
"She brought it up.
I definitely agree.
642
00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,323
I definitely agree."
643
00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:47,116
And LeeAnn's like, "Hold on!"
644
00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:48,951
And I go, "No, no, you hold on.
You got to look at that class.
645
00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:51,455
It looked like
the cast of Goonies, like..."
646
00:22:51,455 --> 00:22:53,498
And LeeAnn's like,
"Hold on, hold on!
647
00:22:53,498 --> 00:22:54,749
"Everyone stop crying.
648
00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:56,584
There's no such thing
as the stupid class."
649
00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:59,545
I'm like,
"Eh, I'd beg to disagree."
650
00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:01,506
She's like, "No, Ila, honey.
651
00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:02,965
"If there was a stupid class,
652
00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:04,967
"they would have had
to call me two months ago
653
00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:07,136
"and say, 'Hey, we're putting
Ila in the stupid class.'
654
00:23:07,136 --> 00:23:08,971
"And I would've taken you out
of this school in a second.
655
00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:10,473
"I would've never let you be--
let them do that to you.
656
00:23:10,473 --> 00:23:12,767
"But if they did call me
two months ago, Ila,
657
00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:16,438
"and I knew today was your day
to go into the stupid class--
658
00:23:16,438 --> 00:23:19,482
I knew that-- do you think I
would let you roll in with Dad?"
659
00:23:19,482 --> 00:23:21,359
(laughter)
660
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:22,902
And that made sense to Ila.
661
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:26,280
She's like, "Yeah, he's not
the heavy-lifting parent."
662
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,616
And I'm like,
"Yeah, Ila, you're with me.
663
00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:30,034
There's nothing wrong."
664
00:23:30,034 --> 00:23:31,828
She goes, "Come on,
let's go look at your class."
665
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:33,120
So they go walk over
to the class,
666
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,540
and all Ila's friends--
Lily, Dakota, Kylie--
667
00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,083
they're all in the class.
668
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,876
And LeeAnn's like,
"Hey, your friends are in there.
669
00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:40,044
Are your friends stupid?"
670
00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:42,171
And Ila's like, "No."
She's like,
671
00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:44,131
"Then you get in line.
You have a fantastic year."
672
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:45,550
She comes walking over to me.
673
00:23:45,550 --> 00:23:47,760
I'm still by
the fucking handball courts.
674
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,136
She comes walking over to me.
675
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:50,596
And I am blown away.
676
00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:51,931
She comes up, she's like, "Hey."
677
00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:53,683
I go, "I did not
parent that well."
678
00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:56,520
She's like, "No shit."
679
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,230
I go, "I thought she was
in the fucking stupid class."
680
00:23:59,230 --> 00:24:01,816
LeeAnn's like, "She is."
681
00:24:01,816 --> 00:24:04,151
(laughter)
682
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:06,237
(applause)
683
00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:07,947
"You were gonna tell her?"
684
00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:09,407
I go, "I was gonna tell her."
685
00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:11,200
She's like, "You belong
in the fucking stupid class."
686
00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:15,162
Ila's getting--
Ila hates school.
687
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,039
She's getting--
i-in all fairness,
688
00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:19,041
she's getting her ass
handed to her daily.
689
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,793
Like, it's bad.
690
00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:22,086
When you're dyslexic,
it's tough.
691
00:24:22,086 --> 00:24:24,213
I dropped her off, like,
probably two weeks ago,
692
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,132
I go to give her a kiss
on the cheek good-bye,
693
00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,551
she grabs my neck like
she doesn't want me to go.
694
00:24:28,551 --> 00:24:31,846
And then whispers in my ear
and goes, "Pick me up early."
695
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:34,432
(laughter)
696
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:36,809
I'm like, "Well,
let me run that by Mom."
697
00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:39,312
She goes, "Uh, hey, hold on.
698
00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:41,856
Do you have to run it by Mom?"
699
00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:43,024
And now she's in my head.
700
00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:44,568
I'm like,
"Yeah, fuck that bitch."
701
00:24:44,568 --> 00:24:46,319
(laughter)
702
00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:47,862
"I make the calls around here.
703
00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:50,031
"If I want to pick you,
I'll pick you up early.
704
00:24:50,031 --> 00:24:51,533
I go, "But, wait,
705
00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:52,867
what do you mean...?
Like, what time?"
706
00:24:52,867 --> 00:24:55,661
She goes, "Listen,
Mom's got therapy at noon.
707
00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:57,872
"She leaves, like, 11:15.
If you show up at 11:30,
708
00:24:57,872 --> 00:24:59,415
"you got to pick me up anyway,
709
00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,708
she'll have no idea
you got me early."
710
00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:02,043
I go, "What would I say?"
711
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,502
She goes, "Tell them I have
a dentist appointment."
712
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:06,172
I go, "How long have you been
thinking about this?"
713
00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:08,007
She goes, "Dad, tell them
I have a dentist appointment.
714
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,300
I promise
no one's gonna know."
715
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,719
I went, "Okay."
716
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:14,597
I go home, I feel like I'm about
to commit a bank robbery.
717
00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:16,849
I'm sitting on the couch,
and LeeAnn just gets up.
718
00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,809
She's like, "Oh, 11:15--
I got to go to therapy."
719
00:25:18,809 --> 00:25:21,354
I'm like,
"Like fucking clockwork!"
720
00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:23,856
She leaves, I'm like, "Screw it,
I'm picking her up early."
721
00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:25,066
I go into the office.
722
00:25:25,066 --> 00:25:26,525
I don't even have
to say anything.
723
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,985
I walk in, they're like,
"Are you Ila's daddy?"
724
00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:29,487
I go, "I am."
725
00:25:29,487 --> 00:25:32,823
They're like, "Her tooth has
been killing her all day."
726
00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:35,242
(laughter, applause)
727
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:38,120
Ila comes out
of the nurse's office,
728
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,873
ice pack on her cheek,
eyes are like, "Start the car."
729
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,292
(laughter)
730
00:25:44,752 --> 00:25:47,589
We get in the car,
first things out of her mouth,
731
00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,882
"Ice cream and putt-putt.
Let's do it, big guy."
732
00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:51,717
I was like,
"Hey, you made the day.
733
00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,427
Let's do it."
734
00:25:53,427 --> 00:25:54,887
(cheering, whooping)
735
00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:56,681
Yeah.
736
00:25:56,681 --> 00:26:00,226
It was a great--
it was a great day.
737
00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,353
I think the best part
of the day was just having
738
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:04,438
a lie that me and her knew
739
00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:06,357
and lying to my other daughter
and my wife
740
00:26:06,357 --> 00:26:08,025
together as a team.
741
00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:09,193
(laughter)
742
00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:11,237
It was kind of like bonding.
743
00:26:11,237 --> 00:26:12,571
And I put her to bed
that night, I go,
744
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:13,739
"Listen, if I ever cheat
on your mom,
745
00:26:13,739 --> 00:26:16,701
I'm gonna need your help."
746
00:26:16,701 --> 00:26:18,953
I'm not cheating on my wife.
747
00:26:18,953 --> 00:26:21,664
I'm not cheating on my wife
for numbers of reasons.
748
00:26:21,664 --> 00:26:23,874
This being one.
749
00:26:23,874 --> 00:26:26,293
(laughter)
750
00:26:27,545 --> 00:26:29,171
I don't even know...
751
00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:31,549
I don't even know
if I'm doing it right.
752
00:26:31,549 --> 00:26:33,175
I've never had that,
like, security
753
00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:34,677
that women have, you know?
754
00:26:34,677 --> 00:26:37,346
That like... there's a,
there's a, like an air of con--
755
00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:38,848
like, when it comes to sex,
756
00:26:38,848 --> 00:26:40,474
women just know
they hit it out of the...
757
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,101
Have you ever...?
Is that your man right there,
758
00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:43,602
young lady?
759
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,438
Have you ever
given him an orgasm?
760
00:26:45,438 --> 00:26:46,814
Look at her.
761
00:26:46,814 --> 00:26:48,482
She scoffs at me,
like, rolls her eyes.
762
00:26:48,482 --> 00:26:50,568
Goes, "Yeah."
763
00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:52,696
Would you bet your life on it?
764
00:26:52,696 --> 00:26:54,656
She's like, "Uh, yeah."
765
00:26:54,656 --> 00:26:57,742
Would you bet
your life on it?
766
00:26:57,742 --> 00:26:59,410
Look at him!
He's like, "I don't know."
767
00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:01,370
(laughing)
768
00:27:01,370 --> 00:27:02,580
'Cause we don't know.
769
00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:03,956
You be...
I'm telling you.
770
00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:06,751
It's, you know
if you've done your job right,
771
00:27:06,751 --> 00:27:09,295
because there's proof.
772
00:27:09,295 --> 00:27:10,671
That happened, right there--
see that?
773
00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:12,048
There, got it.
774
00:27:12,048 --> 00:27:13,883
Colonel Mustard in the library
with the candlestick.
775
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:16,510
Right there.
776
00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:18,804
But every time
we have sex with you guys,
777
00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:20,682
it's like (blows air)
Keyser Soze.
778
00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:22,433
Did that happen?
I don't know.
779
00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,143
(laughter, applause)
780
00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:25,895
I'll put it--
I'll take it this far.
781
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:26,979
This guy right here.
782
00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:28,147
He's your boyfriend, right?
783
00:27:28,147 --> 00:27:29,815
Sir, be honest.
784
00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:31,317
If I said to you right now,
785
00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:33,652
"I will give you $15 million
786
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:36,864
"tax-free if you can bring
one person on this stage
787
00:27:36,864 --> 00:27:39,992
and give them an orgasm
within 15 minutes."
788
00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:41,911
You think he's picking a chick?
789
00:27:41,911 --> 00:27:44,330
(laughter, applause)
790
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,252
Fuck, no.
791
00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:51,420
Look at him.
792
00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:52,714
He's already standing up.
793
00:27:52,714 --> 00:27:55,424
He's like,
"I'll jack you off right now."
794
00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:56,634
(spits)
Put in work.
795
00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:57,927
Let's go!
796
00:27:57,927 --> 00:28:00,054
Start the car.
797
00:28:00,054 --> 00:28:02,056
Time!
798
00:28:02,056 --> 00:28:04,809
You think he's gonna
pick a chick?
799
00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:06,102
You think he's picking
his chick?
800
00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:08,104
No way, too complicated.
801
00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:09,105
"I don't want
to face the audience.
802
00:28:09,105 --> 00:28:10,981
"You face the audience.
803
00:28:10,981 --> 00:28:13,067
"Oh, my God, it's bright.
They're all staring at me.
804
00:28:13,067 --> 00:28:14,485
"I don't--
I can hear people laughing.
805
00:28:14,485 --> 00:28:16,112
"They're making fun of...
Just stop it.
806
00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:17,822
I'll just-- Don't worry.
I'm sorry I messed this up."
807
00:28:17,822 --> 00:28:19,573
And he's definitely
not picking another chick.
808
00:28:19,573 --> 00:28:22,243
You think he's gonna roll
the dice on a brand-new chick?
809
00:28:22,243 --> 00:28:24,495
Try to figure that out
with the clock running?
810
00:28:24,495 --> 00:28:25,913
Just...
811
00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:28,833
(laughter)
812
00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:31,127
Back and--
like, like this or...?
813
00:28:31,127 --> 00:28:34,463
Cinnabons?
Cinnabons? Cinnab...?
814
00:28:34,463 --> 00:28:35,965
No, paint the fence,
paint the fence,
815
00:28:35,965 --> 00:28:37,383
paint the fence, paint
the fence, paint the fence.
816
00:28:37,383 --> 00:28:38,968
Paint the fence.
What? What?
817
00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:40,386
Okay, yeah, yeah,
yeah, okay.
818
00:28:40,386 --> 00:28:42,680
What's...? Okay, the in, go--
You ever done that one?
819
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,265
You ever try the one
where you go in the garage,
820
00:28:44,265 --> 00:28:45,683
but up where you
keep the bikes?
821
00:28:45,683 --> 00:28:47,226
(laughter)
822
00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,477
You ever tried that?
823
00:28:48,477 --> 00:28:49,687
And you fiddle with the bikes?
824
00:28:49,687 --> 00:28:53,107
Come hither, bikes,
come hither.
825
00:28:53,107 --> 00:28:56,318
I've fucked that one up.
826
00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:57,779
Tried it.
827
00:28:57,779 --> 00:28:59,738
Went right past the bikes.
828
00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,532
Ended up in the attic.
829
00:29:01,532 --> 00:29:04,034
Just ripping out insulation
like a raccoon.
830
00:29:04,034 --> 00:29:06,078
Just...
(snorts, neighing)
831
00:29:06,078 --> 00:29:07,830
It was, it was so bad,
832
00:29:07,830 --> 00:29:09,915
the home owner had
to come out and be like,
833
00:29:09,915 --> 00:29:11,625
"Everyone out
of the fucking garage!"
834
00:29:11,625 --> 00:29:14,003
(laughter)
835
00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:21,093
Women are complicated.
836
00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:23,762
Just-just like their,
the way they think.
837
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,806
First time I had sex
with my wife...
838
00:29:25,806 --> 00:29:28,017
We'd been dating a while,
839
00:29:28,017 --> 00:29:30,227
it's that beautiful moment--
I don't know.
840
00:29:30,227 --> 00:29:33,731
Uh, we've all felt it where
you're making out on a couch,
841
00:29:33,731 --> 00:29:35,774
and then you undo
the shirt and it--
842
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,318
and your heart skips a beat,
and you're like,
843
00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:38,986
"Oh, God, this is happening.
844
00:29:38,986 --> 00:29:40,696
This is really happening to me."
845
00:29:40,696 --> 00:29:42,072
(stammers)
846
00:29:42,072 --> 00:29:43,825
I was head over heels for her,
847
00:29:43,825 --> 00:29:46,368
and the kissing,
the shirt comes off...
848
00:29:46,368 --> 00:29:49,371
pant button comes off.
849
00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:50,832
She stops me, she goes,
850
00:29:50,832 --> 00:29:52,750
"There's something
I need to tell you."
851
00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:55,544
I was like,
"This bitch has herpes."
852
00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:57,796
And I start thinking
about it in my head.
853
00:29:57,796 --> 00:29:59,298
Like...
854
00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:00,842
does it matter?
855
00:30:00,842 --> 00:30:02,259
(laughter)
856
00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:03,636
I mean, I'm 28.
857
00:30:03,636 --> 00:30:05,179
I made it this far.
858
00:30:05,179 --> 00:30:06,848
I think they got
to have an outbreak.
859
00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:09,225
What are the odds
it's the outbreak season?
860
00:30:09,225 --> 00:30:10,809
And if you wear a c--
I don't know.
861
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:12,102
I don't even know,
but if you wear a condom,
862
00:30:12,102 --> 00:30:13,812
does it...?
I don't know, but...
863
00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:15,231
In my head, I'm like,
"I wish I had paid
864
00:30:15,231 --> 00:30:17,859
more attention in health class."
865
00:30:17,859 --> 00:30:19,861
And my wife looks
at me and goes,
866
00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:22,571
"I'm in debt."
867
00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:25,574
I was like,
"I, I thought you had herpes."
868
00:30:25,574 --> 00:30:27,243
She goes, "No, why
would I have herpes?"
869
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,786
I go, "Why would you stop
someone before they're
870
00:30:28,786 --> 00:30:30,496
about to have sex to tell them
you're in debt?"
871
00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:32,248
She goes, "Because I thought
we were getting serious."
872
00:30:32,248 --> 00:30:35,084
I go, "I'm trying to fuck you,
not your bank account!"
873
00:30:35,084 --> 00:30:36,878
She goes,
"No, if we're gonna have sex,
874
00:30:36,878 --> 00:30:38,420
"that means we're getting
serious, and if we're
875
00:30:38,420 --> 00:30:41,006
"getting serious, you need
to know I am $25,000 in debt.
876
00:30:41,006 --> 00:30:42,549
That hangs over my head."
877
00:30:42,549 --> 00:30:44,510
And I go, "Hey, I'm trying
to fuck you, not Fannie Mae.
878
00:30:44,510 --> 00:30:46,512
All right?
Let's do this."
879
00:30:46,512 --> 00:30:49,348
And we had sex that night
and we fell in love
880
00:30:49,348 --> 00:30:51,058
and we got married
and we had kids.
881
00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,268
And did you know
when you get married,
882
00:30:52,268 --> 00:30:53,811
you accrue someone's debt?
883
00:30:53,811 --> 00:30:55,187
(laughter)
884
00:30:59,233 --> 00:31:02,904
I wish she had had herpes.
885
00:31:02,904 --> 00:31:04,655
What's crazy now
is there's like a,
886
00:31:04,655 --> 00:31:06,323
like a thing
in our relationship.
887
00:31:06,323 --> 00:31:07,783
I don't know that
this happens to everyone,
888
00:31:07,783 --> 00:31:09,368
but, like, nowadays,
889
00:31:09,368 --> 00:31:12,663
we almost get more passionate
talking about money
890
00:31:12,663 --> 00:31:14,290
than we do sex.
891
00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:15,791
Like, it's easier
for us, like,
892
00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:17,293
we talk about adding onto
our house, we're like,
893
00:31:17,293 --> 00:31:18,752
"Ooh, yeah, you want to...?
894
00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:20,838
"You want to open
a bottle of wine maybe, huh?
895
00:31:20,838 --> 00:31:22,840
Talk about our brand-new
bathroom, huh?"
896
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:24,550
(mumbles gibberish)
897
00:31:24,550 --> 00:31:27,052
And then you have sex,
and it's just like,
898
00:31:27,052 --> 00:31:29,013
it's almost,
I don't mean to, like,
899
00:31:29,013 --> 00:31:31,598
suck the romance out of it,
but, like, I don't hit on her.
900
00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:34,268
I'm not gonna
fucking hit on my wife.
901
00:31:34,268 --> 00:31:36,478
Get shot down by your wife?
902
00:31:36,478 --> 00:31:38,897
Do you know
how humiliating that is?
903
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:40,190
To be like,
"Hey, what do you think...?"
904
00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:41,233
"Get the fuck off me."
905
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:42,401
Okay, awesome.
906
00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:43,987
Now I feel like
a human piece of garbage.
907
00:31:43,987 --> 00:31:46,280
Cool, I can't fuck
anyone in the world,
908
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,365
especially not you, and that's--
oh, this is great.
909
00:31:48,365 --> 00:31:52,244
You ever try to pull out a
brand-new move in the bedroom?
910
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:54,079
(huffs)
911
00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:57,499
I tried to do reverse cowgirl.
912
00:31:57,499 --> 00:31:59,084
(laughter)
913
00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:01,045
I said to her in the middle
of having sex,
914
00:32:01,045 --> 00:32:04,256
I go, "Hey, you want, you want
to try reverse cowgirl?"
915
00:32:04,256 --> 00:32:06,717
She looks at me and she goes,
"Where did we hear about this?"
916
00:32:06,717 --> 00:32:09,094
(laughter, clamoring)
917
00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:15,351
"Some of the fellas down
by the basketball courts
918
00:32:15,351 --> 00:32:17,519
were talking about it."
919
00:32:17,519 --> 00:32:19,772
And then she just gets,
like-- she's a very
920
00:32:19,772 --> 00:32:22,274
sweet woman,
but she just gets like,
921
00:32:22,274 --> 00:32:23,942
like, "Fine, what is it?
922
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:26,236
Like, tell me what to do,
tell me what to do."
923
00:32:26,236 --> 00:32:28,906
(stammers) Like, it's almost
like we're lab partners.
924
00:32:28,906 --> 00:32:30,908
Like, "Fucking tell me.
925
00:32:30,908 --> 00:32:32,785
"Tell me what you want. I'll do
it if that's what you're into."
926
00:32:32,785 --> 00:32:34,037
I'm like,
"That's not what I'm into.
927
00:32:34,037 --> 00:32:35,162
"I'm just saying let's try it.
928
00:32:35,162 --> 00:32:36,705
Maybe we'll like it.
I don't know."
929
00:32:36,705 --> 00:32:38,165
She's like,
"No, just tell me what to do."
930
00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:39,291
I'm like, "Uh, okay."
931
00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:42,586
I've never seen
this part of the porn.
932
00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:45,839
Where the guy walks her
through it, like...
933
00:32:45,839 --> 00:32:48,092
Like, "Oh, you..."
934
00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:49,551
Like...
935
00:32:49,551 --> 00:32:53,138
"You-you, uh,
face the other direction."
936
00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:55,724
She's like, "I face the wall?"
937
00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,226
I was like,
"Well, uh, or the camera.
938
00:32:57,226 --> 00:32:58,811
"I guess that is...
939
00:32:58,811 --> 00:33:00,396
"They'd face the camera
at that point.
940
00:33:00,396 --> 00:33:02,147
"I don't know why they do that.
I-I don't know.
941
00:33:02,147 --> 00:33:03,565
I've never done this, okay?"
942
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:05,442
She, "No, tell me
what to do, I'll do it."
943
00:33:05,442 --> 00:33:07,236
I go, "Well, you turn around."
She's like, "And just
944
00:33:07,236 --> 00:33:09,196
look at the wall?" I go,
"Yeah, look at the fuck...
945
00:33:09,196 --> 00:33:10,656
"They're your eyes,
look at whatever you want
946
00:33:10,656 --> 00:33:12,074
to fucking look at."
947
00:33:12,074 --> 00:33:13,992
"Fine, if this
is what you're into."
948
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,120
Like, that's how you want
to start a brand-new sex move.
949
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,539
"If this is what you're into."
950
00:33:24,253 --> 00:33:26,964
"Is th...
951
00:33:26,964 --> 00:33:29,174
is this right?"
Like we're on a motorcycle.
952
00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:30,551
"Is this right?"
953
00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:32,177
"Yeah, I think..."
"No, no, I mean, tell...
954
00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:33,846
"Do I hold on to your feet?
That's not sexy.
955
00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:35,639
"Just looking at your feet.
956
00:33:35,639 --> 00:33:37,724
I'm just looking at your
feet right now." I'm like,
957
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:39,351
"You can look at
whatever you want to."
958
00:33:39,351 --> 00:33:40,686
"Is it... Are you
looking at my butthole?
959
00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:42,229
"Is that what you're looking at?
960
00:33:42,229 --> 00:33:45,274
"Does this turn you on
to look at my butthole?
961
00:33:45,274 --> 00:33:47,943
"Okay, okay, I'm starting
to feel disconnected.
962
00:33:47,943 --> 00:33:50,654
"I'm feeling very disconnected.
I don't even... I feel...
963
00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:53,282
I'm feeling very disconnected."
I'm like, "Can you just
964
00:33:53,282 --> 00:33:55,742
"not be the person
I own a home with
965
00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:58,203
and be a whore
for five minutes?"
966
00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:08,839
I mean, I-I make that sound bad,
but don't...
967
00:34:08,839 --> 00:34:11,383
I mean, the alternative is what,
I get, like, a young girlfriend?
968
00:34:11,383 --> 00:34:13,427
Fuck that.
969
00:34:13,427 --> 00:34:16,013
I can't. I'm not... I'm not
shitting on young people.
970
00:34:16,013 --> 00:34:18,015
You guys look very young.
971
00:34:18,015 --> 00:34:22,269
I'm sure it's very fun to get
naked with you and touch you.
972
00:34:22,269 --> 00:34:25,522
That part is not bad, it's
the talking to you afterwards
973
00:34:25,522 --> 00:34:28,942
that would be...
somewhat problematic.
974
00:34:28,942 --> 00:34:32,738
Like, I don't know, what...
like, what would I s...
975
00:34:32,738 --> 00:34:35,199
What would I say to, like,
a 22-year-old girl after sex?
976
00:34:35,199 --> 00:34:37,242
Like, "Hey, do you want
to play on your iPad?"
977
00:34:37,242 --> 00:34:40,121
(laughter)
978
00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:42,873
"Oh, Snapchat's got
some new apps, cool."
979
00:34:44,249 --> 00:34:46,335
I need a ride-or-die bitch.
980
00:34:46,335 --> 00:34:47,794
I need a woman.
981
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,463
I need a woman with some flaws.
982
00:34:49,463 --> 00:34:53,217
And a woman with, like, like,
uh, literally a kind of girl
983
00:34:53,217 --> 00:34:56,678
that'll blow you and book you
a cardiologist appointment.
984
00:34:56,678 --> 00:34:59,515
Kind of woman that'll blow you
despite a runny nose.
985
00:34:59,515 --> 00:35:02,434
Just...
(grunting)
986
00:35:02,434 --> 00:35:05,103
That's a woman for you,
right there.
987
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:07,731
Just taking one for the team.
988
00:35:07,731 --> 00:35:09,191
(laughter, scattered cheers)
989
00:35:09,191 --> 00:35:10,776
(louder cheering)
990
00:35:10,776 --> 00:35:13,195
Yeah.
991
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:20,077
Kind of woman
that'll fart during sex.
992
00:35:20,077 --> 00:35:22,163
Yeah, my wife will fart
during sex.
993
00:35:22,163 --> 00:35:23,580
She's had two kids.
994
00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:26,833
She's not rocking the original
rims and tires, okay?
995
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:28,210
Two kids?
996
00:35:28,210 --> 00:35:30,587
She's riding dirty
on 22s, just...
997
00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,756
♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪
998
00:35:32,756 --> 00:35:34,007
(panting)
999
00:35:34,007 --> 00:35:36,426
♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪
1000
00:35:36,426 --> 00:35:38,011
(panting)
1001
00:35:38,011 --> 00:35:39,680
♪ Flip it in action,
zip it in the bud ♪
1002
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,183
♪ Never relaxin',
outlast is everlastin' ♪
1003
00:35:42,183 --> 00:35:43,684
♪ Uprisin', up-uprisin' ♪
1004
00:35:43,684 --> 00:35:45,686
♪ Up-up-up,
there goes an eargasm. ♪
1005
00:35:45,686 --> 00:35:47,479
(laughter)
1006
00:35:47,479 --> 00:35:49,898
It's true.
1007
00:35:49,898 --> 00:35:53,443
Ladies, I hate to say this.
1008
00:35:53,443 --> 00:35:56,113
But after 40, vaginas
start aging exponentially.
1009
00:35:56,113 --> 00:35:57,489
(laughs)
1010
00:35:57,489 --> 00:35:59,616
-Like dog years, just...
-(women groaning)
1011
00:35:59,616 --> 00:36:01,159
Not that-- No, listen,
not... it's not just you.
1012
00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:02,286
It's all of us.
1013
00:36:02,286 --> 00:36:04,079
I mean, men, once we get 40,
1014
00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:06,915
our dick starts doing
this Benjamin Buttons thing,
1015
00:36:06,915 --> 00:36:08,834
where it looks
younger and younger.
1016
00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:10,794
Like I think
our bodies get bigger
1017
00:36:10,794 --> 00:36:12,504
and our dick
stays the same size.
1018
00:36:12,504 --> 00:36:14,548
It looks like a squatter in
the middle of a bustling city.
1019
00:36:14,548 --> 00:36:18,552
Like, "Hell no, we won't go!"
1020
00:36:18,552 --> 00:36:20,304
I get naked now--
and that's love.
1021
00:36:20,304 --> 00:36:21,597
When your wife sees you naked
1022
00:36:21,597 --> 00:36:23,265
when your dick's
the smallest it's ever been,
1023
00:36:23,265 --> 00:36:25,309
like right after you
get out of the gym,
1024
00:36:25,309 --> 00:36:28,812
and she just sees it and goes,
"Aw, little guy.
1025
00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:30,522
"Look at that little--
1026
00:36:30,522 --> 00:36:32,983
can I flick him?"
1027
00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:36,361
It just changes.
1028
00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:37,529
I'm cool with it changing.
1029
00:36:37,529 --> 00:36:38,572
I'm just saying, like,
1030
00:36:38,572 --> 00:36:41,491
I mean...
1031
00:36:41,491 --> 00:36:44,161
a little bit of upkeep,
ladies, like...
1032
00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:46,121
It's like...
1033
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:49,124
I mean, I remember when my--
I met my wife's vagina.
1034
00:36:49,124 --> 00:36:51,710
I remember it distinct--
it was beautiful.
1035
00:36:51,710 --> 00:36:53,920
It was like
there was curb appeal.
1036
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,339
(laughter)
1037
00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:58,091
You know, like,
it was waxed and shined
1038
00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:00,677
and buffed and fluffed.
1039
00:37:00,677 --> 00:37:02,346
Fluffed! Flu...
1040
00:37:02,346 --> 00:37:04,848
With, with those
laced thong panties
1041
00:37:04,848 --> 00:37:07,267
that you could take off
with a pinky, just...
1042
00:37:07,267 --> 00:37:08,769
(whooshes)
1043
00:37:08,769 --> 00:37:10,812
And when you did, it was
like you unleashed a princess.
1044
00:37:10,812 --> 00:37:13,231
Just...
(humming)
1045
00:37:18,654 --> 00:37:20,197
I saw it the other day.
1046
00:37:20,197 --> 00:37:21,573
Ooh.
1047
00:37:21,573 --> 00:37:23,992
(laughter)
1048
00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:32,084
It was after drop-off.
1049
00:37:32,084 --> 00:37:36,046
I had to pull off those
big comfort cotton panties.
1050
00:37:36,046 --> 00:37:37,714
The ones that don't give you
a yeast infection.
1051
00:37:37,714 --> 00:37:39,300
You know those ones?
You're just...
1052
00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:41,343
(groaning)
1053
00:37:41,343 --> 00:37:43,887
All the hair's matted down.
1054
00:37:43,887 --> 00:37:47,099
Looks like
the crazy cat lady's house.
1055
00:37:47,099 --> 00:37:49,810
And it's just
staring at you like...
1056
00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:53,480
"Hey, my man!
1057
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,441
"Young blood!
1058
00:37:56,441 --> 00:37:58,819
Young blood,
can I get a cigarette?"
1059
00:37:58,819 --> 00:38:01,238
(laughter)
1060
00:38:07,327 --> 00:38:09,413
She farts.
1061
00:38:09,413 --> 00:38:11,206
(laughter)
1062
00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:14,376
Not, like, for money,
but, just, it happens.
1063
00:38:14,376 --> 00:38:15,669
Not all the ti...
1064
00:38:15,669 --> 00:38:17,045
(stammers)
Not all the time,
1065
00:38:17,045 --> 00:38:18,547
but I wouldn't bet against it.
1066
00:38:18,547 --> 00:38:21,800
(laughs)
I'd take the over.
1067
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,552
But that's part of marriage.
1068
00:38:23,552 --> 00:38:25,595
That's part of marriage
is that you--
1069
00:38:25,595 --> 00:38:27,889
that is part of love is when you
accept a person for their flaws.
1070
00:38:27,889 --> 00:38:29,891
And, like, that, and that's
when you know you're a man.
1071
00:38:29,891 --> 00:38:31,810
When your woman farts
during sex,
1072
00:38:31,810 --> 00:38:33,311
'cause you move her over
too quickly
1073
00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:34,813
and she just farts.
1074
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,149
And you don't say
a fucking word.
1075
00:38:37,149 --> 00:38:38,608
And you go, "I didn't hear it.
1076
00:38:38,608 --> 00:38:40,652
I love you."
1077
00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:41,862
She's like,
"I didn't hear it, either.
1078
00:38:41,862 --> 00:38:43,488
I love you."
1079
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:45,824
The dog's up on the bed:
"Are we farting?"
1080
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:48,535
(laughter)
1081
00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:50,912
I'll take it this far.
I'll take it this far.
1082
00:38:50,912 --> 00:38:52,789
My wife's farted
during oral sex.
1083
00:38:52,789 --> 00:38:55,292
(audience groaning)
1084
00:38:55,292 --> 00:38:57,085
You know what they call that?
1085
00:38:57,085 --> 00:38:59,129
Commitment.
1086
00:38:59,129 --> 00:39:01,590
When you take one
on the chin for the team?
1087
00:39:01,590 --> 00:39:03,341
Just...
(honks)
1088
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:04,634
You're like...
"What the fuck?"
1089
00:39:04,634 --> 00:39:07,220
(retching)
1090
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:13,685
You didn't know you had
one in the chamber?
1091
00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:15,145
(laughter)
1092
00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:16,563
No, you got to warn me.
1093
00:39:16,563 --> 00:39:18,648
I'm still down here.
1094
00:39:18,648 --> 00:39:22,569
No, you could've
shit in my mouth.
1095
00:39:22,569 --> 00:39:24,196
No, I have a beard.
1096
00:39:24,196 --> 00:39:26,782
It's still in here.
1097
00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:28,575
And then she starts crying.
1098
00:39:28,575 --> 00:39:30,535
I go, "What the fuck
are you crying about?"
1099
00:39:30,535 --> 00:39:32,454
(laughter)
1100
00:39:32,454 --> 00:39:34,581
"I'm the one
in the hurt locker."
1101
00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:37,918
She's like, "You're gonna
talk about this onstage."
1102
00:39:37,918 --> 00:39:39,252
(chuckles)
1103
00:39:39,252 --> 00:39:41,004
"You're fucking right I am."
1104
00:39:41,004 --> 00:39:42,756
(applause)
1105
00:39:42,756 --> 00:39:43,840
Yeah.
1106
00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:47,469
In all fairness,
1107
00:39:47,469 --> 00:39:50,055
I didn't bring it up until
the second time it happened.
1108
00:39:50,055 --> 00:39:52,182
I was like, "Fuck it--
if it happened to me twice,
1109
00:39:52,182 --> 00:39:53,850
it's had to have happened
to somebody else."
1110
00:39:53,850 --> 00:39:55,936
I can't be the only one
out here going, "Really?
1111
00:39:55,936 --> 00:39:58,605
No one else has--
catches one on the button?"
1112
00:39:58,605 --> 00:40:01,399
(cheering, whooping)
1113
00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:03,109
That's marriage.
1114
00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:05,403
She go--
My wife's a gr--
1115
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,864
My wife's a fantastic woman.
She really is.
1116
00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:10,325
She's the kind of person,
like, I couldn't, I couldn't,
1117
00:40:10,325 --> 00:40:11,660
I couldn't raise these kids.
1118
00:40:11,660 --> 00:40:13,537
She, like,
researches good schools.
1119
00:40:13,537 --> 00:40:15,080
She researched
a school one time.
1120
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,499
She goes,
"Uh, it's a great school.
1121
00:40:16,499 --> 00:40:17,624
There are a lot of Koreans."
1122
00:40:17,624 --> 00:40:18,959
I went, "Okay."
1123
00:40:18,959 --> 00:40:20,252
(laughter)
1124
00:40:20,252 --> 00:40:22,295
We show up, it's 98% Korean.
1125
00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:23,922
Now, no, listen.
1126
00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:25,173
I'm just a regular person.
1127
00:40:25,173 --> 00:40:26,675
I'm not-- I have no hate
1128
00:40:26,675 --> 00:40:28,635
in my heart
for anyone whatsoever,
1129
00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:30,513
but I'm a real motherfucker.
1130
00:40:30,513 --> 00:40:33,516
I walk in a room
with 400 Korean families
1131
00:40:33,516 --> 00:40:35,559
and five white families
and a black family
1132
00:40:35,559 --> 00:40:36,977
hiding in the corner,
I just walked in
1133
00:40:36,977 --> 00:40:39,020
and I was like,
"What the fuck is this?"
1134
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:41,273
(laughter)
1135
00:40:41,273 --> 00:40:42,691
And my wife's like, "What?"
1136
00:40:42,691 --> 00:40:44,901
I go, "What do you mean
'what,' like..."
1137
00:40:44,901 --> 00:40:48,238
(laughter)
1138
00:40:48,238 --> 00:40:49,781
She goes, "What?"
1139
00:40:49,781 --> 00:40:52,742
I go, "The fucking Tae Kwon Do
tournament going on in here.
1140
00:40:52,742 --> 00:40:54,035
"You don't see this?
1141
00:40:54,035 --> 00:40:56,037
You know, am I the only one
that sees this?"
1142
00:40:56,037 --> 00:40:58,665
She's like, "Babe, I said there
was gonna be a lot of Koreans."
1143
00:40:58,665 --> 00:41:00,834
I'm like, "Bitch,
a lot of Koreans is seven."
1144
00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:02,586
(laughter)
1145
00:41:02,586 --> 00:41:03,504
"This is a dickload.
1146
00:41:03,504 --> 00:41:05,506
"This is a boatload.
1147
00:41:05,506 --> 00:41:07,299
"You should've said, 'Do you
want to go to North Korea?'
1148
00:41:07,299 --> 00:41:09,301
'Cause that's
where we are right now."
1149
00:41:09,301 --> 00:41:11,261
She goes, "Maybe if you get
to know some of the parents,
1150
00:41:11,261 --> 00:41:13,054
you won't have
a problem with it."
1151
00:41:13,054 --> 00:41:14,431
So I go over to the white
and black people
1152
00:41:14,431 --> 00:41:15,682
hiding in the corner
like, "I'm here.
1153
00:41:15,682 --> 00:41:16,892
What are we gonna do?"
1154
00:41:16,892 --> 00:41:19,185
(laughter)
1155
00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:22,397
Thank God there was a black
woman there to keep shit real.
1156
00:41:22,397 --> 00:41:24,816
First words out of her mouth:
1157
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:27,485
"You see all these
motherfucking Koreans?"
1158
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:30,363
I just met my best friend.
1159
00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:31,948
(laughter)
1160
00:41:31,948 --> 00:41:33,408
It is a beautiful moment
1161
00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:34,951
when a black woman
and a white man
1162
00:41:34,951 --> 00:41:37,203
can commit
a hate crime together.
1163
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,372
(laughter, applause)
1164
00:41:41,124 --> 00:41:43,752
Sandy is her name,
and we start talking.
1165
00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:45,879
Then a white woman
comes over and screws it up.
1166
00:41:45,879 --> 00:41:47,964
Just comes over and goes,
"What do you guys have?"
1167
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:49,049
Sandy leans into me
and she goes,
1168
00:41:49,049 --> 00:41:50,216
"We're about
to have the bird flu
1169
00:41:50,216 --> 00:41:52,636
if we don't leave this bitch."
1170
00:41:52,636 --> 00:41:54,804
The lady goes, "What?"
1171
00:41:54,804 --> 00:41:56,014
And Sandy just looks at me
1172
00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:57,057
and goes,
"They're your people.
1173
00:41:57,057 --> 00:41:58,308
You handle this."
1174
00:41:58,308 --> 00:42:00,477
(laughter)
1175
00:42:00,477 --> 00:42:03,313
I go, "I, uh, I have girls."
1176
00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:04,565
She goes,
"Oh, that's so great.
1177
00:42:04,565 --> 00:42:05,732
What are their names?"
1178
00:42:05,732 --> 00:42:06,983
I said, "Georgia and Ila."
1179
00:42:06,983 --> 00:42:09,069
She goes, "Oh, I have a boy."
1180
00:42:09,069 --> 00:42:11,572
I was like, "Cool."
1181
00:42:11,572 --> 00:42:14,783
She's like, "Don't you want
to know his name?"
1182
00:42:14,783 --> 00:42:16,826
(laughs)
I'm like, "Not at all."
1183
00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:19,371
She goes,
"His name's John Henry."
1184
00:42:19,371 --> 00:42:22,123
And I start laughing
hysterically,
1185
00:42:22,123 --> 00:42:24,585
'cause that's
what I call my dick.
1186
00:42:24,585 --> 00:42:26,753
(laughter)
1187
00:42:26,753 --> 00:42:28,213
I just never met
a John Henry before.
1188
00:42:28,213 --> 00:42:29,714
I'm like, "Are you serious?!"
1189
00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:31,383
She's like,
"Do you know a John Henry?"
1190
00:42:31,383 --> 00:42:33,176
I'm like, "Hell yeah!
1191
00:42:33,176 --> 00:42:36,012
Really good.
He's like my best friend."
1192
00:42:36,012 --> 00:42:37,472
And I start talking
to these women.
1193
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,349
for the whole orientation
1194
00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:41,309
surreptitiously about my junk.
1195
00:42:41,309 --> 00:42:43,478
About my buddy John Henry,
1196
00:42:43,478 --> 00:42:45,648
who lives down south and...
1197
00:42:45,648 --> 00:42:49,234
is bald.
1198
00:42:49,234 --> 00:42:51,027
Until my wife gets done
at her pai gow tournament
1199
00:42:51,027 --> 00:42:52,529
and comes over to us.
1200
00:42:52,529 --> 00:42:56,199
(laughter)
1201
00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:59,452
Was like, "What are you guys
laughing about?"
1202
00:42:59,452 --> 00:43:01,079
And this woman's like, "You're
never gonna believe this.
1203
00:43:01,079 --> 00:43:03,123
My son's name is John Henry."
1204
00:43:03,123 --> 00:43:05,041
My wife's like, "Oh, that's
what he calls his dick!"
1205
00:43:05,041 --> 00:43:06,668
(laughter)
1206
00:43:06,668 --> 00:43:09,129
(scattered clapping)
1207
00:43:09,129 --> 00:43:11,798
Sandy falls out laughing.
1208
00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:14,134
And I watch this woman realize
1209
00:43:14,134 --> 00:43:17,595
all the stories
I've been telling her.
1210
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,557
About how John Henry
has two roommates.
1211
00:43:20,557 --> 00:43:23,268
(laughter)
1212
00:43:23,268 --> 00:43:25,520
How their next-door
neighbor's an asshole.
1213
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:30,358
(laughter)
1214
00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:31,484
How he tells everyone
he's six foot,
1215
00:43:31,484 --> 00:43:32,695
but he's really five-seven.
1216
00:43:32,695 --> 00:43:35,071
(laughter)
1217
00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:38,908
I thought it was funny.
1218
00:43:44,414 --> 00:43:45,999
I think what I find's funny,
1219
00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:48,209
I don't think other people
find funny.
1220
00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:50,713
Like, like, no, like,
I have, I have like a,
1221
00:43:50,713 --> 00:43:52,547
like a disturbed
sense of humor sometimes.
1222
00:43:52,547 --> 00:43:54,966
Like, I-I checked
into this hotel room one time
1223
00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:56,926
in Cincinnati and, uh,
1224
00:43:56,926 --> 00:43:58,553
I had, like,
five bags with me,
1225
00:43:58,553 --> 00:44:00,096
'cause I was on the road
doing Travel Channel stuff
1226
00:44:00,096 --> 00:44:02,557
and doing stand-up,
so I had five bags with me.
1227
00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:05,769
This bellman-- a tall,
young, skinny black kid.
1228
00:44:05,769 --> 00:44:07,312
"Oh, why's he got
to be black, Bert?"
1229
00:44:07,312 --> 00:44:08,938
'Cause he fucking was.
1230
00:44:08,938 --> 00:44:10,440
(laughter)
1231
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:12,442
(laughing):
He comes...
1232
00:44:12,442 --> 00:44:14,652
he comes...
1233
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:16,738
he comes over,
he grabs all my bags,
1234
00:44:16,738 --> 00:44:18,031
puts them on a cart,
checks me in,
1235
00:44:18,031 --> 00:44:19,700
takes me into the elevator.
1236
00:44:19,700 --> 00:44:21,576
And in the elevator, he goes,
"Man, you got a lot of bags.
1237
00:44:21,576 --> 00:44:22,952
What do you do for a living?"
1238
00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:24,162
I go, "I'm a comedian."
1239
00:44:24,162 --> 00:44:27,082
He goes, "You put all your gags
in these bags?"
1240
00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:29,250
(laughter)
1241
00:44:29,250 --> 00:44:30,752
Immediately, I'm horrified,
1242
00:44:30,752 --> 00:44:33,671
'cause I think he thinks
I'm a prop comic.
1243
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,590
And so I'm trying
to think of a joke--
1244
00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:37,383
the whole ride in the elevator,
I'm trying to think of a joke
1245
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,511
to make this kid laugh,
but I can't think of anything.
1246
00:44:39,511 --> 00:44:41,096
We get up to our floor,
door opens,
1247
00:44:41,096 --> 00:44:43,807
and as soon as it opens,
the door next to us opens
1248
00:44:43,807 --> 00:44:46,976
and, uh, an older white guy
walks out.
1249
00:44:46,976 --> 00:44:49,104
Like maybe 67 years old-- bam.
1250
00:44:49,104 --> 00:44:52,524
And he walks out just behind us,
and as we walk down the hallway,
1251
00:44:52,524 --> 00:44:53,983
he walks right behind us.
1252
00:44:53,983 --> 00:44:55,527
Kids pushing, I'm walking,
1253
00:44:55,527 --> 00:44:57,487
this kid's, this guy's right
here five feet behind us.
1254
00:44:57,487 --> 00:44:58,488
As we walk-- bam.
1255
00:44:58,488 --> 00:44:59,697
We take a left, he takes a left.
1256
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,366
We take a right,
he takes a right.
1257
00:45:01,366 --> 00:45:03,118
He's keeping pace with us.
You want to be like,
1258
00:45:03,118 --> 00:45:05,620
"Hey, asshole, just fake tie
your shoe for a little bit.
1259
00:45:05,620 --> 00:45:08,248
"Or jog past us,
but you're creeping us out,
1260
00:45:08,248 --> 00:45:09,999
George Zimmerman."
1261
00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,001
So...
1262
00:45:13,336 --> 00:45:16,005
Finally we get
to the very end of the hall.
1263
00:45:16,005 --> 00:45:18,466
My door is the last door
on the left.
1264
00:45:18,466 --> 00:45:20,301
And it turns out,
the old man's room
1265
00:45:20,301 --> 00:45:21,970
is right next to mine.
1266
00:45:21,970 --> 00:45:23,513
Now, it's been uncomfortable.
1267
00:45:23,513 --> 00:45:25,223
I haven't made
this kid laugh yet.
1268
00:45:25,223 --> 00:45:26,767
So, as a joke,
as the guy opens,
1269
00:45:26,767 --> 00:45:28,309
goes to open his door,
I lean over and I go,
1270
00:45:28,309 --> 00:45:30,395
"Hey, man, if you want,
we can open up
1271
00:45:30,395 --> 00:45:33,273
the connecting door and we can
hang out this weekend."
1272
00:45:33,273 --> 00:45:36,025
He was not ready for that.
1273
00:45:36,025 --> 00:45:38,153
And now he can't get
his key to work.
1274
00:45:38,153 --> 00:45:41,406
He's like...
1275
00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:43,908
"Uh... no, thank you.
1276
00:45:43,908 --> 00:45:45,994
No, I'm-I'm good."
1277
00:45:45,994 --> 00:45:47,788
And I said,
"No, think about it.
1278
00:45:47,788 --> 00:45:50,957
"When was the last time
you made a new friend?
1279
00:45:50,957 --> 00:45:52,835
"We'll talk each other
to sleep at night.
1280
00:45:52,835 --> 00:45:54,252
"Wake each other up
in the morning.
1281
00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,840
I got towels,
you got towels, you know."
1282
00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,632
He gets his door open
and he goes,
1283
00:45:59,632 --> 00:46:01,301
"I don't think
I want that to happen."
1284
00:46:01,301 --> 00:46:03,887
But before he can close it,
I stop and I go, "Listen.
1285
00:46:03,887 --> 00:46:05,263
"If you change your mind,
1286
00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:07,056
just knock and scratch."
1287
00:46:07,056 --> 00:46:09,684
(laughter)
1288
00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:12,437
He looks at me,
dead serious, he goes,
1289
00:46:12,437 --> 00:46:14,480
"I-I probably
won't be doing that."
1290
00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:16,691
I look over to the kid to see
if I made the kid laugh,
1291
00:46:16,691 --> 00:46:18,819
he's not,
he's already in the room.
1292
00:46:18,819 --> 00:46:21,613
I did the joke for nobody.
1293
00:46:21,613 --> 00:46:23,448
(laughter)
1294
00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:25,116
I literally walk in the room.
1295
00:46:25,116 --> 00:46:26,827
And he's not even, like,
putting the bags up.
1296
00:46:26,827 --> 00:46:29,537
I'm not being... but he's
just dumping them on the fl--
1297
00:46:29,537 --> 00:46:31,080
Like, flipping them
onto the floor.
1298
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:32,957
And now I'm like,
"I got to tip him."
1299
00:46:32,957 --> 00:46:34,709
But I don't know
how much to tip him.
1300
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:36,211
Normally I tip
five bucks for a bag,
1301
00:46:36,211 --> 00:46:37,754
but it's five bags,
that's 25 bucks.
1302
00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:40,089
He just put them on a cart,
but here's the problem.
1303
00:46:40,089 --> 00:46:41,842
I'm doing the math in my head
in front of him.
1304
00:46:41,842 --> 00:46:43,927
I'm going,
"Oh, it's 25 bucks...
1305
00:46:43,927 --> 00:46:46,889
Lot of money for just flipping
them on the thing..."
1306
00:46:46,889 --> 00:46:49,015
The kid sees me
doing this and he goes,
1307
00:46:49,015 --> 00:46:50,808
"Sir, you don't have
to give me anything."
1308
00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:52,060
I said, "Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.
1309
00:46:52,060 --> 00:46:53,311
"I got to give you something.
1310
00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:54,562
You brought them
all the way up."
1311
00:46:54,562 --> 00:46:56,773
He goes, "No, that's
what I got hired to do
1312
00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:58,191
"was to take your bags
from your car to your room.
1313
00:46:58,191 --> 00:46:59,651
"That's what I get paid for.
1314
00:46:59,651 --> 00:47:00,903
You don't have
to give me anything."
1315
00:47:00,903 --> 00:47:02,570
I go, "No, but you brought them
all the way up.
1316
00:47:02,570 --> 00:47:03,905
I got to give you something."
1317
00:47:03,905 --> 00:47:05,114
And he goes, "No, you don't.
1318
00:47:05,114 --> 00:47:06,699
Just knock and scratch."
1319
00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:09,244
(laughter)
1320
00:47:09,244 --> 00:47:11,079
I'm like...
1321
00:47:11,079 --> 00:47:13,498
"Seriously?"
1322
00:47:13,498 --> 00:47:16,084
He's like, "Dead serious."
1323
00:47:16,084 --> 00:47:19,545
So, me and this kid
go up to the door.
1324
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:22,590
(laughter)
1325
00:47:23,884 --> 00:47:26,511
And I knock and I scratch.
1326
00:47:26,511 --> 00:47:29,097
And you hear the old man go,
1327
00:47:29,097 --> 00:47:32,267
"I don't want
to fucking hang out!"
1328
00:47:32,267 --> 00:47:33,351
Oh, my God!
1329
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,353
(applause, whooping)
1330
00:47:35,353 --> 00:47:39,607
I thought this kid was gonna
laugh himself to death.
1331
00:47:42,443 --> 00:47:44,737
He literally was
doubled over like,
1332
00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:46,572
"Do it again!
Do it again!"
1333
00:47:46,572 --> 00:47:48,449
Best part of the story is,
1334
00:47:48,449 --> 00:47:51,452
he goes down and Googles me
1335
00:47:51,452 --> 00:47:54,330
and shows me to every black dude
who works in the hotel.
1336
00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:56,708
So for the whole weekend,
any time I walk down there,
1337
00:47:56,708 --> 00:47:58,459
they're like, "Oh,
knock-scratch motherfucker."
1338
00:47:58,459 --> 00:48:00,586
(laughter)
1339
00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:04,132
"Knock, scratch, man. I'm gonna,
I'll answer the door!"
1340
00:48:11,556 --> 00:48:13,725
I fought a bear one time.
1341
00:48:13,725 --> 00:48:14,976
(applause, cheering)
1342
00:48:14,976 --> 00:48:16,394
Yeah.
1343
00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:18,104
Uh, I used to have a show on FX
1344
00:48:18,104 --> 00:48:21,024
called Hurt Bert, where I took
dangerous men's jobs.
1345
00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:22,025
It was a TV show.
1346
00:48:22,025 --> 00:48:24,527
It was back in 2002, I think.
1347
00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:26,487
Uh...
1348
00:48:26,487 --> 00:48:29,782
I-I was a dominatrix gimp,
I was an MMA fighter,
1349
00:48:29,782 --> 00:48:31,909
I was a rodeo clown,
I was a football player,
1350
00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:34,078
I was a stunt pilot,
I swam with great white sharks
1351
00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:36,331
out of the cage,
and one day they called me up,
1352
00:48:36,331 --> 00:48:38,082
they're like, "Hey, do you
want to fight a bear?"
1353
00:48:38,082 --> 00:48:39,792
I was like,
"Who does that for a living?"
1354
00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:42,128
And they're like,
"You do on Thursday."
1355
00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:44,005
I show up.
1356
00:48:44,005 --> 00:48:46,174
It is a nine-foot grizzly bear.
1357
00:48:46,174 --> 00:48:47,800
Just sitting on a park bench
1358
00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:50,470
as dumb as you think
a bear would look, just...
1359
00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:52,889
(laughter)
1360
00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:58,394
So, I go up to the bear.
1361
00:48:58,394 --> 00:49:00,938
I'm, like, 28 years old,
probably.
1362
00:49:00,938 --> 00:49:03,483
I go up to the bear
and I stick my hand out
1363
00:49:03,483 --> 00:49:05,401
in front of his snout
so he can get my scent.
1364
00:49:05,401 --> 00:49:07,779
The trainer sees us and he goes,
"What are you doing?"
1365
00:49:07,779 --> 00:49:10,239
I go, "I'm letting him
get my scent."
1366
00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:12,700
And he goes, "Hey, buddy,
this is a grizzly bear,
1367
00:49:12,700 --> 00:49:14,911
not a labradoodle, okay?"
1368
00:49:14,911 --> 00:49:17,163
He goes, "We have protocol."
1369
00:49:17,163 --> 00:49:18,498
I go, "What's that?"
1370
00:49:18,498 --> 00:49:19,874
And he pulls me
over to the side,
1371
00:49:19,874 --> 00:49:21,876
and he hands me
five marshmallows.
1372
00:49:21,876 --> 00:49:24,003
He goes, "When the bear's
not looking, take a marshmallow,
1373
00:49:24,003 --> 00:49:26,672
"put it in your mouth,
then nonchalantly,
1374
00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:29,675
"walk in front
of the bear like huh,
1375
00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:32,887
show him the marshmallow
like huh..."
1376
00:49:34,347 --> 00:49:37,266
"...and allow him
the opportunity to engage you
1377
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,727
"and take the marshmallow out
of your mouth with his mouth.
1378
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,479
This way he'll
learn to trust you."
1379
00:49:41,479 --> 00:49:44,524
And I was like, "Fuck that.
1380
00:49:44,524 --> 00:49:46,734
"Who thought of this-- the bear?
1381
00:49:46,734 --> 00:49:49,487
Is this the bear's idea?"
1382
00:49:49,487 --> 00:49:51,114
And the guy just
looks me down, he goes,
1383
00:49:51,114 --> 00:49:53,157
"Hey, this is how we do it."
1384
00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:55,035
My whole crew's behind him like,
1385
00:49:55,035 --> 00:49:57,245
♪ This is how we do it ♪
1386
00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:59,872
♪ This is
how we do it. ♪
1387
00:49:59,872 --> 00:50:02,250
So I don't know any better.
I'm 28 years old.
1388
00:50:02,250 --> 00:50:03,626
I go behind the bear.
1389
00:50:03,626 --> 00:50:05,670
I take a marshmallow,
I put it in my mouth.
1390
00:50:05,670 --> 00:50:07,588
I walk in front of him
like a street hooker.
1391
00:50:07,588 --> 00:50:09,632
Like, "Huh.
1392
00:50:09,632 --> 00:50:11,884
"Huh?
Huh?
1393
00:50:11,884 --> 00:50:15,430
Huh, huh!"
1394
00:50:15,430 --> 00:50:18,100
The bear sees the marshmallow
and lights up just like...
1395
00:50:18,100 --> 00:50:19,767
(roaring)
1396
00:50:19,767 --> 00:50:22,728
And I'm going...
(crying)
1397
00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:25,273
He rushes me with the grace
of a frat boy at 5:00 a.m.
1398
00:50:25,273 --> 00:50:28,734
and tongues it
out of my mouth.
1399
00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:31,487
Bears never brush their teeth.
1400
00:50:31,487 --> 00:50:35,158
I'm making out with a homeless
person five times in a row.
1401
00:50:35,158 --> 00:50:37,201
Just...
(retching)
1402
00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:38,703
(grunting)
1403
00:50:38,703 --> 00:50:40,204
(retching)
1404
00:50:40,204 --> 00:50:41,414
I get done.
1405
00:50:41,414 --> 00:50:42,582
The trainer goes,
"Fantastic.
1406
00:50:42,582 --> 00:50:44,084
We're ready."
1407
00:50:44,084 --> 00:50:45,668
I go, "Hold on,
I haven't learned anything."
1408
00:50:45,668 --> 00:50:47,044
He goes,
"What, are you kidding me?
1409
00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:48,130
You learned
the most important lesson."
1410
00:50:48,130 --> 00:50:49,589
I go, "What's that?"
And he goes,
1411
00:50:49,589 --> 00:50:50,965
"The bear likes marshmallows."
1412
00:50:50,965 --> 00:50:52,300
(laughter)
1413
00:50:52,300 --> 00:50:53,843
I go, "What good's that do me?"
1414
00:50:53,843 --> 00:50:55,845
And he goes,
"Listen, if you get in trouble,
1415
00:50:55,845 --> 00:50:57,805
"just stand your ground,
look the bear in the face,
1416
00:50:57,805 --> 00:51:01,642
"and just go, 'Marshmallow.'
1417
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,769
"And he'll know you're gonna
do your marshmallow trick,
1418
00:51:03,769 --> 00:51:06,689
"so he'll give you some space,
but more importantly,
1419
00:51:06,689 --> 00:51:08,441
"we'll hear you say that and
we'll know you're in trouble,
1420
00:51:08,441 --> 00:51:09,901
"so we'll get you out of there.
We'll take the bear.
1421
00:51:09,901 --> 00:51:11,235
We'll, we'll split it up."
1422
00:51:11,235 --> 00:51:13,821
I go, "Yeah, but he thinks
they're inside me."
1423
00:51:13,821 --> 00:51:15,740
(laughter)
1424
00:51:15,740 --> 00:51:17,450
"What if he's like,
'Don't worry, I'll get them,'
1425
00:51:17,450 --> 00:51:19,410
and just... rips me open?"
1426
00:51:19,410 --> 00:51:21,037
He goes, "You'll be fine.
Let's go!"
1427
00:51:21,037 --> 00:51:23,956
And I swear to God
the bear is smiling.
1428
00:51:23,956 --> 00:51:26,083
Just, "Oh, I know
how to get marshmallows
1429
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:27,793
"around here, bitch.
1430
00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:29,629
I got to tap you out."
1431
00:51:29,629 --> 00:51:33,216
Rushes me,
grabs me by both ears,
1432
00:51:33,216 --> 00:51:35,551
lifts me off the ground
and starts rag-dolling me
1433
00:51:35,551 --> 00:51:37,678
and growling.
(roaring)
1434
00:51:37,678 --> 00:51:40,515
I'm going, "Marshmallow!
Marshmallow!"
1435
00:51:40,515 --> 00:51:42,517
But no one can hear me
'cause there's
1436
00:51:42,517 --> 00:51:45,895
a nine-foot grizzly bear
going... (roaring)
1437
00:51:45,895 --> 00:51:47,563
All of a sudden he drops me,
1438
00:51:47,563 --> 00:51:50,316
grabs me by the hip,
spins me doggy-style,
1439
00:51:50,316 --> 00:51:52,318
locks in, in a bear hug,
1440
00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:55,197
and starts grinding on my ass.
1441
00:51:55,197 --> 00:51:57,532
Now we're both facing
the crew and the trainer.
1442
00:51:57,532 --> 00:52:00,326
I'm going,
"Fucking marshmallow!
1443
00:52:00,326 --> 00:52:02,620
"Marshmallow, mar--
Get me the fuck out of here!
1444
00:52:02,620 --> 00:52:05,039
Marshmallow!"
1445
00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:07,250
Everyone's laughing,
except for the trainer,
1446
00:52:07,250 --> 00:52:09,210
who has a look of panic.
1447
00:52:09,210 --> 00:52:12,088
He jumps in our eye line
and goes, "Go limp!"
1448
00:52:12,088 --> 00:52:13,464
I'm like...
1449
00:52:15,424 --> 00:52:17,635
Please be talking
to me right now.
1450
00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:19,345
And not the b...
1451
00:52:19,345 --> 00:52:21,681
Is there a bear cock
climbing up my jeans?
1452
00:52:21,681 --> 00:52:23,599
About to split
center seam just...
1453
00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:26,769
"Marshmallow!"
1454
00:52:26,769 --> 00:52:28,396
So I go limp.
1455
00:52:28,396 --> 00:52:30,773
Now it looks like I'm getting
date-raped by a bear just...
1456
00:52:30,773 --> 00:52:33,317
(grunting)
1457
00:52:33,317 --> 00:52:35,695
I slide out of his grip
1458
00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:37,280
and that's the last thing
I remember.
1459
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:39,156
Because apparently
his instincts took over
1460
00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:42,076
and he sat on my face.
1461
00:52:42,076 --> 00:52:44,370
And the best way to get
bear balls out of your mouth
1462
00:52:44,370 --> 00:52:46,206
isn't by saying "Marshmallow."
1463
00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:48,332
(laughter)
1464
00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:50,167
My wife, my wife,
1465
00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:52,503
who I'd known
maybe three months,
1466
00:52:52,503 --> 00:52:55,047
I had invited her
to the set to impress her.
1467
00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:56,674
(laughter)
1468
00:52:56,674 --> 00:52:59,510
My wife's a redneck,
like a legit redneck.
1469
00:52:59,510 --> 00:53:01,762
Like... like hard-co--
1470
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:04,473
like her parents met
on AncestryMingle.com.
1471
00:53:04,473 --> 00:53:06,017
Like...
1472
00:53:08,144 --> 00:53:09,937
When she talks,
you smell biscuits.
1473
00:53:09,937 --> 00:53:12,023
Like...
1474
00:53:12,023 --> 00:53:14,025
She-- my point is she's
not afraid of big animals.
1475
00:53:14,025 --> 00:53:15,985
She just goes over, grabs
the marshmallow out of the bag,
1476
00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:17,820
puts it in her mouth,
stands by my feet
1477
00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,905
and goes, "Huh!"
1478
00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:21,741
The bear then takes his balls
1479
00:53:21,741 --> 00:53:23,701
out of my mouth,
1480
00:53:23,701 --> 00:53:25,786
goes over to her, the--
he takes the marshmallow
1481
00:53:25,786 --> 00:53:27,371
out of her mouth,
they take my wife one way,
1482
00:53:27,371 --> 00:53:29,582
the bear the other way,
they drag me under a tree,
1483
00:53:29,582 --> 00:53:31,751
and that's where I wake up.
1484
00:53:31,751 --> 00:53:34,378
Under a tree in the lap
of my producer Tim Scott,
1485
00:53:34,378 --> 00:53:37,548
who's from like
the upper top of Minnesota.
1486
00:53:37,548 --> 00:53:40,426
Real dry, still had a flattop.
1487
00:53:40,426 --> 00:53:42,595
Cherubic face.
1488
00:53:42,595 --> 00:53:44,889
I open my eyes,
I see him and I go,
1489
00:53:44,889 --> 00:53:46,432
"What happened?"
1490
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,892
He's like, "Well...
1491
00:53:47,892 --> 00:53:50,394
uh, you got raped
and tea-bagged by a bear."
1492
00:53:50,394 --> 00:53:52,897
(laughter)
1493
00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:58,527
"You might want to get tested."
1494
00:53:58,527 --> 00:53:59,904
He's like, "But that,
1495
00:53:59,904 --> 00:54:01,323
"that girl,
that LeeAnn girl, she,
1496
00:54:01,323 --> 00:54:03,949
I think she saved your life."
1497
00:54:03,949 --> 00:54:06,535
And my wife comes over at that
moment like it's in a movie.
1498
00:54:06,535 --> 00:54:07,828
Like, my wife
just comes walking over.
1499
00:54:07,828 --> 00:54:09,121
Her body's blocking the sun.
1500
00:54:09,121 --> 00:54:10,873
All I see is,
like, an orb around her.
1501
00:54:10,873 --> 00:54:12,917
And she leans in,
and as she does,
1502
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:15,336
you can see the sun
running through her hair.
1503
00:54:15,336 --> 00:54:19,299
Like, she just looks me in the
eye, she goes, "Are you okay?"
1504
00:54:19,299 --> 00:54:21,550
And I looked up at her
at that moment,
1505
00:54:21,550 --> 00:54:24,136
and we all know that moment
when you know without a doubt,
1506
00:54:24,136 --> 00:54:25,930
that's the moment,
and I know you're like,
1507
00:54:25,930 --> 00:54:27,473
"Really?
That's when you knew?"
1508
00:54:27,473 --> 00:54:30,059
Oh, fuck it, this is
my narrative, okay?
1509
00:54:30,059 --> 00:54:31,560
I looked up at her
from the ground and saw her
1510
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:33,771
with the halo
from the Lord himself,
1511
00:54:33,771 --> 00:54:35,481
and knew without a doubt
1512
00:54:35,481 --> 00:54:36,899
I would never do that for her.
1513
00:54:36,899 --> 00:54:38,651
(laughter)
1514
00:54:39,694 --> 00:54:42,113
Still wouldn't.
1515
00:54:43,948 --> 00:54:45,908
When I was 22, I got involved
with the Russian Mafia.
1516
00:54:45,908 --> 00:54:47,034
Here's how it happened.
1517
00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:49,662
(cheering, whooping)
1518
00:54:51,706 --> 00:54:53,499
I went to school
at Florida State.
1519
00:54:53,499 --> 00:54:55,209
I was not a very good student.
1520
00:54:55,209 --> 00:54:58,129
I was there, uh,
like, seven years?
1521
00:54:58,129 --> 00:55:01,341
I was there...
in most of the '90s.
1522
00:55:01,341 --> 00:55:04,385
I... I was in college longer
than grunge music was around.
1523
00:55:04,385 --> 00:55:08,222
(laughing)
1524
00:55:08,222 --> 00:55:11,225
(man whoops)
1525
00:55:11,225 --> 00:55:12,935
So...
1526
00:55:12,935 --> 00:55:14,687
(laughs)
1527
00:55:14,687 --> 00:55:17,982
So... this is how bad
of a student I was.
1528
00:55:17,982 --> 00:55:20,317
One time, I signed up
for a Russian class
1529
00:55:20,317 --> 00:55:22,153
thinking it was Spanish.
1530
00:55:22,153 --> 00:55:24,488
And it took three classes
before I realized,
1531
00:55:24,488 --> 00:55:26,699
"I don't think
this is Spanish."
1532
00:55:26,699 --> 00:55:28,409
(chuckles)
1533
00:55:28,409 --> 00:55:29,535
So I got up to leave.
1534
00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:30,786
The teacher, who was hot.
1535
00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:33,038
He definitely worked out.
1536
00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:34,457
I'm kidding, I don't...
1537
00:55:34,457 --> 00:55:36,125
It was a girl.
It was a girl.
1538
00:55:36,125 --> 00:55:37,918
And she was hot.
She still is hot.
1539
00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:40,463
She stopped me.
She goes, "Don't go anywhere.
1540
00:55:40,463 --> 00:55:41,922
"I need 14 kids
to teach this class.
1541
00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:43,340
"You're the 14th.
1542
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:45,634
"I need to teach this class
in order to get my masters,
1543
00:55:45,634 --> 00:55:49,138
"so... if you sit back down,
1544
00:55:49,138 --> 00:55:50,556
"you don't have to do
anything all semester
1545
00:55:50,556 --> 00:55:52,308
and I'll just give you a 'C.'"
1546
00:55:52,308 --> 00:55:53,393
I was like, "Uh...
1547
00:55:53,393 --> 00:55:55,186
Zdravstvuyte, bitches,
I'm back!"
1548
00:55:55,186 --> 00:55:56,729
(laughter)
1549
00:55:56,729 --> 00:55:59,231
So I took Russian one,
two, three and four.
1550
00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:01,734
Never learned a word.
1551
00:56:01,734 --> 00:56:03,235
Think about what I'm saying.
1552
00:56:03,235 --> 00:56:04,779
I took two years of a language.
1553
00:56:04,779 --> 00:56:08,449
Two-- four semesters
of my college career.
1554
00:56:08,449 --> 00:56:09,867
Four-four semesters.
1555
00:56:09,867 --> 00:56:13,496
Russian four was
taught in Russian.
1556
00:56:13,496 --> 00:56:15,623
Do you have any idea
what it's like
1557
00:56:15,623 --> 00:56:17,249
to go to a class and sit there
1558
00:56:17,249 --> 00:56:18,584
like an immigrant
at the DMV all day?
1559
00:56:18,584 --> 00:56:19,710
Like...
1560
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:22,129
(laughter, applause)
1561
00:56:28,052 --> 00:56:30,095
The end of Russian four,
same teacher pulls me aside.
1562
00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:31,431
She's like, "We're taking
a trip to Russia.
1563
00:56:31,431 --> 00:56:33,015
If you go, you'll get a minor."
1564
00:56:33,015 --> 00:56:35,976
I was like, "Okay, hold on.
1565
00:56:35,976 --> 00:56:37,686
"You know,
1566
00:56:37,686 --> 00:56:40,648
"I can't really
speak, read, write
1567
00:56:40,648 --> 00:56:42,483
or understand
the language, right?"
1568
00:56:42,483 --> 00:56:45,194
She's like, "I'm fucking
well aware of that."
1569
00:56:45,194 --> 00:56:47,655
(laughter)
1570
00:56:47,655 --> 00:56:49,114
You got to remember
1571
00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:52,535
I was taking tests
in a language
1572
00:56:52,535 --> 00:56:55,412
with which I was unfamiliar
with their alphabet.
1573
00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:57,499
(laughter)
1574
00:56:57,499 --> 00:57:00,084
Do you have any idea
what it's like to take a test
1575
00:57:00,084 --> 00:57:03,629
and make up hieroglyphics?
1576
00:57:03,629 --> 00:57:07,466
And the answer is star,
circle, hashtag, shoe.
1577
00:57:07,466 --> 00:57:09,885
(laughter, scattered clapping)
1578
00:57:13,514 --> 00:57:15,432
She goes, "It doesn't matter.
1579
00:57:15,432 --> 00:57:16,892
"We need kids to make
this trip happen.
1580
00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:18,727
"And if you go with all
the classes you've taken,
1581
00:57:18,727 --> 00:57:21,564
and the ones you will take,
you-you will get a minor."
1582
00:57:21,564 --> 00:57:24,441
And I was like,
"That's all you had to say.
1583
00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:26,902
Let's go to Russia
and fuck some minors."
1584
00:57:26,902 --> 00:57:30,072
(laughter)
1585
00:57:30,072 --> 00:57:31,782
It's a different--
it was a different minor,
1586
00:57:31,782 --> 00:57:33,242
obviously.
1587
00:57:33,242 --> 00:57:36,704
Learned that the hard way.
1588
00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:40,165
So, we went to Russia in 1995.
1589
00:57:40,165 --> 00:57:42,042
This is when the mob
ran everything,
1590
00:57:42,042 --> 00:57:43,669
and they told us that
our very first night.
1591
00:57:43,669 --> 00:57:45,087
They sat the whole class down.
1592
00:57:45,087 --> 00:57:46,755
They're like,
"Listen, we have paid off
1593
00:57:46,755 --> 00:57:49,091
"the Mafia to keep you safe.
1594
00:57:49,091 --> 00:57:52,011
In exchange for our money, they
give us two young gangsters."
1595
00:57:52,011 --> 00:57:54,889
I'm in the room like, "This trip
just got fucking awesome."
1596
00:57:54,889 --> 00:57:58,100
The word for gangster
in Russian is bandity.
1597
00:57:58,100 --> 00:57:59,894
They go, "These bandity
are gonna live with us.
1598
00:57:59,894 --> 00:58:01,186
"They're gonna walk you
to class.
1599
00:58:01,186 --> 00:58:02,438
"They're gonna walk you
back from class.
1600
00:58:02,438 --> 00:58:03,606
"They're gonna take you
on field trips,
1601
00:58:03,606 --> 00:58:04,732
"walk you back from field trips.
1602
00:58:04,732 --> 00:58:06,400
"Do not speak to them.
1603
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,193
"They're in the Mafia.
1604
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,820
"Do not look at them,
1605
00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:11,572
do not engage them,
do not interact with them."
1606
00:58:11,572 --> 00:58:14,533
I was like, "Well, they're gonna
be my best fucking friends."
1607
00:58:14,533 --> 00:58:16,535
So, the first night I grab
a bottle of vodka
1608
00:58:16,535 --> 00:58:18,162
and a six pack of Baltika,
which is their local beer,
1609
00:58:18,162 --> 00:58:19,163
and I planned a sentence.
1610
00:58:19,163 --> 00:58:20,456
I was gonna say...
1611
00:58:20,456 --> 00:58:23,083
(speaking Russian)
1612
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,713
(moaning)
1613
00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:32,384
Does anyone speak Russian
in here?
1614
00:58:32,384 --> 00:58:33,928
-(audience muttering)
-WOMAN: No.
1615
00:58:33,928 --> 00:58:35,888
I love that someone says, "No."
1616
00:58:35,888 --> 00:58:37,681
"No.
1617
00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:41,143
I did a head count earlier,
it doesn't look like it."
1618
00:58:41,143 --> 00:58:43,145
I'll tell you what
this sentence says.
1619
00:58:43,145 --> 00:58:44,146
It's a badass sentence.
1620
00:58:44,146 --> 00:58:45,397
I worked all day on it.
1621
00:58:45,397 --> 00:58:46,523
"Hello.
1622
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:47,524
"My name's Bert.
1623
00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:48,859
"It's very nice to meet you.
1624
00:58:48,859 --> 00:58:49,860
"I work...
1625
00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:52,279
(singsongy):
pussy."
1626
00:58:52,279 --> 00:58:53,489
Kind of.
1627
00:58:53,489 --> 00:58:55,950
It really means
I work with cats.
1628
00:58:55,950 --> 00:58:58,911
I didn't know the fucking
language, what do you expect?
1629
00:58:58,911 --> 00:59:01,205
Uh, it doesn't matter,
'cause the second the door opens
1630
00:59:01,205 --> 00:59:03,874
and I'm face-to-face
with a real Russian gangster
1631
00:59:03,874 --> 00:59:06,085
with the wife beater and the
tattoos with the track pants
1632
00:59:06,085 --> 00:59:09,338
and the cigarette... and
he just stares me up and down.
1633
00:59:09,338 --> 00:59:11,006
A frat boy from Florida State.
1634
00:59:11,006 --> 00:59:14,551
I was wearing a fanny pack.
1635
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:15,928
He just looks at me and goes...
1636
00:59:15,928 --> 00:59:17,388
(speaks Russian)
1637
00:59:17,388 --> 00:59:19,181
I fucking panicked, and
everything I had planned
1638
00:59:19,181 --> 00:59:21,600
on saying flooded out of
my head, and all I said to him
1639
00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:23,143
in Russian, in his doorway, was,
1640
00:59:23,143 --> 00:59:26,355
"I am The Machine."
1641
00:59:26,355 --> 00:59:27,523
And he started laughing.
1642
00:59:27,523 --> 00:59:29,233
He goes, "What did you say?"
1643
00:59:29,233 --> 00:59:32,027
I was like, "I'm The Machine!"
1644
00:59:32,027 --> 00:59:34,530
He grabs me and he goes,
"Come in and tell my friends."
1645
00:59:34,530 --> 00:59:36,073
Brings me in a room full of nine
1646
00:59:36,073 --> 00:59:37,282
Russian gangsters drinking
1647
00:59:37,282 --> 00:59:39,952
and smoking and just goes,
"Stop!
1648
00:59:39,952 --> 00:59:42,871
Tell them what you said."
1649
00:59:42,871 --> 00:59:44,373
Now I'm like, "Fuck it.
1650
00:59:44,373 --> 00:59:47,376
I'm The Machine!"
1651
00:59:47,376 --> 00:59:49,294
They looked at each other,
looked at me, and they're like,
1652
00:59:49,294 --> 00:59:52,464
"Fuck it. He's The Machine!"
1653
00:59:52,464 --> 00:59:57,302
And I became The Machine
and these guys loved me.
1654
00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:59,304
Yes.
1655
01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:03,017
You... you got
to realize, though.
1656
01:00:03,017 --> 01:00:05,853
The reason they loved me is
I went shot for shot with them
1657
01:00:05,853 --> 01:00:07,771
that night, all night long
1658
01:00:07,771 --> 01:00:09,398
until, like,
4:00 in the morning.
1659
01:00:09,398 --> 01:00:11,025
But all I knew how to say
in their language was,
1660
01:00:11,025 --> 01:00:12,901
"I'm The Machine!"
1661
01:00:12,901 --> 01:00:15,446
And "I fuck cats."
1662
01:00:20,075 --> 01:00:23,037
So... we did
everything together.
1663
01:00:23,037 --> 01:00:24,955
We, uh, like, the guy
that answered the door,
1664
01:00:24,955 --> 01:00:26,790
his name was Igor.
He was like my best friend.
1665
01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:27,791
We did everything together.
1666
01:00:27,791 --> 01:00:29,209
We ran a pool hall scam.
1667
01:00:29,209 --> 01:00:30,670
We stole a boat.
1668
01:00:30,670 --> 01:00:34,298
It was literally the best summer
of my life.
1669
01:00:34,298 --> 01:00:37,176
And then one day the whole class
is taking a trip to Moscow.
1670
01:00:37,176 --> 01:00:38,927
It's an overnight train trip
and I say to Igor,
1671
01:00:38,927 --> 01:00:40,929
I go, "This is gonna be a blast.
We got to be in the same cabin."
1672
01:00:40,929 --> 01:00:42,931
And he goes, "I can't go."
1673
01:00:42,931 --> 01:00:44,349
I said, "Why not?"
1674
01:00:44,349 --> 01:00:45,934
And he goes,
"Different Mafia runs train,
1675
01:00:45,934 --> 01:00:47,227
different Mafia runs Moscow."
1676
01:00:47,227 --> 01:00:48,312
I said, "Whoa, whoa, hold on.
1677
01:00:48,312 --> 01:00:49,731
What's that mean for me?"
1678
01:00:49,731 --> 01:00:51,065
And he goes, "Don't worry.
1679
01:00:51,065 --> 01:00:52,066
"I set up bandity.
1680
01:00:52,066 --> 01:00:53,275
"I tell them about you.
1681
01:00:53,275 --> 01:00:54,694
They'll take care of you."
1682
01:00:54,694 --> 01:00:56,111
Sure enough,
we get to the train station
1683
01:00:56,111 --> 01:00:57,404
and he introduces me
1684
01:00:57,404 --> 01:01:00,157
to my two new gangsters,
Igor and Igor.
1685
01:01:03,285 --> 01:01:06,121
And he says to them, he goes,
"Guys, this is The Machine.
1686
01:01:06,121 --> 01:01:09,416
If you give The Machine vodka,
you'll have a great time."
1687
01:01:09,416 --> 01:01:11,168
The bigger of the two Igors
looks like
1688
01:01:11,168 --> 01:01:12,169
a kid on Christmas.
1689
01:01:12,169 --> 01:01:13,378
He's like, "Oh, I can't wait
1690
01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:15,422
to play with The Machine."
1691
01:01:15,422 --> 01:01:17,633
He grabs me and he goes, "The
Machine doesn't sit in coach.
1692
01:01:17,633 --> 01:01:19,468
The Machine sits in first class
with us."
1693
01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:23,222
I'm like, "That's what
I'm fucking talking about."
1694
01:01:23,222 --> 01:01:25,641
We go to first class and it is
pimped out with booze, food--
1695
01:01:25,641 --> 01:01:27,267
and here's the real
gangster part--
1696
01:01:27,267 --> 01:01:29,686
the second the train
takes off out of the station,
1697
01:01:29,686 --> 01:01:32,356
everyone that works in the train
comes in to pay their respects.
1698
01:01:32,356 --> 01:01:35,025
The conductor walked in.
1699
01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:37,820
Rips off the stars and stripes
to his shirt,
1700
01:01:37,820 --> 01:01:39,238
places them on my lap, and goes,
1701
01:01:39,238 --> 01:01:41,490
"This is a present
for The Machine."
1702
01:01:43,450 --> 01:01:47,913
"It would be an honor to do a
shot of vodka with The Machine."
1703
01:01:47,913 --> 01:01:51,125
I'm 22 years old thinking,
"Huh, these Machine stories
1704
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:52,794
might have gotten
out of control."
1705
01:01:56,004 --> 01:01:58,465
We drank all the booze in an
hour and big Igor stands up
1706
01:01:58,465 --> 01:02:00,802
and he goes, "Machine, we go to
the bar cart to get more vodka."
1707
01:02:00,802 --> 01:02:02,386
I'm like, "Fuck it.
I'm in the mob,
1708
01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:04,638
I'll do whatever
the fuck I want."
1709
01:02:04,638 --> 01:02:06,682
We roll into the bar cart
like a big dick
1710
01:02:06,682 --> 01:02:08,267
in a locker room, just...
(hisses)
1711
01:02:08,267 --> 01:02:11,645
Not that I've ever been
that guy, but I've seen it.
1712
01:02:11,645 --> 01:02:14,106
Just smack.
You know the look,
1713
01:02:14,106 --> 01:02:15,440
where everyone looks and like,
"Oh, shit.
1714
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:17,401
"Okay.
1715
01:02:17,401 --> 01:02:21,905
Whoa, someone's here.
Okay, all right."
1716
01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:24,199
Igor looks at me
1717
01:02:24,199 --> 01:02:25,617
and in Russian he says,
1718
01:02:25,617 --> 01:02:27,369
"Machine, go behind the bar
and grab bread."
1719
01:02:27,369 --> 01:02:30,164
In Russian. In Russian.
1720
01:02:30,164 --> 01:02:32,416
And I understood him.
1721
01:02:32,416 --> 01:02:35,335
For a second I'm like,
"I'm fucking learning."
1722
01:02:36,962 --> 01:02:39,131
I'm learning
the language my way,
1723
01:02:39,131 --> 01:02:41,049
not through flash cards
and textbooks,
1724
01:02:41,049 --> 01:02:44,011
but by joining the Mafia.
1725
01:02:44,011 --> 01:02:46,848
I get behind the bar, I'm like,
"Igor! I know what you said!"
1726
01:02:46,848 --> 01:02:49,099
He's like,
"Good for you, Machine.
1727
01:02:49,099 --> 01:02:50,726
Can The Machine find cheese?"
1728
01:02:50,726 --> 01:02:53,353
And I was like,
"Syr. Cheese! I got it."
1729
01:02:53,353 --> 01:02:55,189
"Give me another one."
And he's like, "Grab vodka."
1730
01:02:55,189 --> 01:02:56,398
I was like,
"I already know that one.
1731
01:02:56,398 --> 01:02:57,649
Give me another one."
1732
01:02:57,649 --> 01:02:58,650
He's like, "Grab the money."
1733
01:02:58,650 --> 01:03:01,570
I'm like, "Huh?"
1734
01:03:01,570 --> 01:03:03,405
He goes,
"Grab the fucking money."
1735
01:03:03,405 --> 01:03:04,740
And I realize in that instant,
1736
01:03:04,740 --> 01:03:08,202
uh, we're robbing
the bar cart...
1737
01:03:08,202 --> 01:03:11,831
and I'm the one doing it,
Hooked on Phonics style.
1738
01:03:15,667 --> 01:03:18,670
I grab the money, walk out,
two of my classmates see me
1739
01:03:18,670 --> 01:03:21,632
and they're like,
"You're in so much trouble."
1740
01:03:21,632 --> 01:03:24,801
Go back to our first class cabin
and within five minutes
1741
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:27,930
the head chaperone of this
train trip, not the whole trip,
1742
01:03:27,930 --> 01:03:30,850
just this train trip,
she was an English teacher
1743
01:03:30,850 --> 01:03:32,809
who did not speak Russian,
1744
01:03:32,809 --> 01:03:35,062
who hated me...
1745
01:03:35,062 --> 01:03:38,523
before I robbed the train.
1746
01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:40,651
She comes over
to our first class cabin
1747
01:03:40,651 --> 01:03:42,277
and swings the door open
with that, like,
1748
01:03:42,277 --> 01:03:43,570
liberal arts confidence.
1749
01:03:43,570 --> 01:03:44,655
Just...
1750
01:03:47,991 --> 01:03:51,119
"This shit is over.
1751
01:03:51,119 --> 01:03:52,412
"You're done. You're done.
1752
01:03:52,412 --> 01:03:53,580
"Stand up right now.
1753
01:03:53,580 --> 01:03:55,207
"You-you stand up.
1754
01:03:55,207 --> 01:03:57,125
"Stand... how dare... how...
you're done.
1755
01:03:57,125 --> 01:03:58,335
Stand up!"
1756
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,128
And big Igor looks
at me confused,
1757
01:04:00,128 --> 01:04:04,007
then smiles, takes a big sip
of vodka, spits it in her eyes,
1758
01:04:04,007 --> 01:04:06,843
and goes, "No one talks
to The Machine like that."
1759
01:04:09,096 --> 01:04:10,931
Shuts the door in her face
and he goes,
1760
01:04:10,931 --> 01:04:13,642
"Fuck that bitch.
This is Russia."
1761
01:04:17,396 --> 01:04:19,273
"No..."
1762
01:04:19,273 --> 01:04:22,526
"Don't worry, Machine, when
it gets dark we have good time."
1763
01:04:22,526 --> 01:04:25,112
I'm like, "What the fuck are
we doing when it gets dark?!"
1764
01:04:26,154 --> 01:04:27,322
Reaches into his pocket,
1765
01:04:27,322 --> 01:04:28,448
pulls out a ring of keys,
1766
01:04:28,448 --> 01:04:29,741
and he goes,
"We're robbing
1767
01:04:29,741 --> 01:04:31,576
the whole fucking train."
1768
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:38,083
I'm a good person.
1769
01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:39,710
I don't cheat...
I don't cheat... This is why...
1770
01:04:39,710 --> 01:04:41,461
L-Let me tell you.
I don't cheat on my wife.
1771
01:04:41,461 --> 01:04:43,380
I don't cheat on my wife because
one morning our whole family
1772
01:04:43,380 --> 01:04:46,425
was in bed-- the dogs, the cats,
the girls, my wife--
1773
01:04:46,425 --> 01:04:48,135
and we were just giggling
and it was pure.
1774
01:04:48,135 --> 01:04:50,053
It was perfect, and I don't...
I thought to myself,
1775
01:04:50,053 --> 01:04:51,263
"I don't ever want
to screw this up.
1776
01:04:51,263 --> 01:04:52,264
"This is the most
important thing.
1777
01:04:52,264 --> 01:04:54,141
This is what life's about."
1778
01:04:54,141 --> 01:04:56,018
And they got up to make chop--
chocolate chip pancakes,
1779
01:04:56,018 --> 01:04:58,478
and I laid in bed and I said,
"I will never cheat on my wife."
1780
01:04:58,478 --> 01:04:59,855
I had a conversation
with myself.
1781
01:04:59,855 --> 01:05:01,440
I said, "If I ever get
into a situation
1782
01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:03,066
"where a hot girl
is flirting with me,
1783
01:05:03,066 --> 01:05:04,443
"or I think she's flirting
with me,
1784
01:05:04,443 --> 01:05:06,570
"and it seems like
it could go further,
1785
01:05:06,570 --> 01:05:08,530
I'm just gonna cock-block
myself."
1786
01:05:08,530 --> 01:05:10,907
I'm just gonna look her
in the face in front of everyone
1787
01:05:10,907 --> 01:05:13,493
and go,
"I don't cheat on my wife!"
1788
01:05:13,493 --> 01:05:14,661
Now, I may be wrong.
1789
01:05:14,661 --> 01:05:17,414
She may not be hitting on me.
1790
01:05:17,414 --> 01:05:19,499
She may throw a drink
in my face, slap me,
1791
01:05:19,499 --> 01:05:20,584
or I may be right.
1792
01:05:20,584 --> 01:05:22,127
I-- none of that matters to me.
1793
01:05:22,127 --> 01:05:23,879
What matters to me is that
I don't cheat on my wife
1794
01:05:23,879 --> 01:05:25,589
because I've already had
that conversation.
1795
01:05:25,589 --> 01:05:27,257
Here's the problem.
1796
01:05:27,257 --> 01:05:30,970
I never had that conversation
about robbing trains.
1797
01:05:30,970 --> 01:05:32,512
So, when presented
the opportunity,
1798
01:05:32,512 --> 01:05:33,930
I thought I'd be like, "Not me.
1799
01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:36,016
I'm gonna go back
and work on my verbs."
1800
01:05:38,101 --> 01:05:40,520
But apparently,
when presented the opportunity,
1801
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:42,147
I'm the guy that's like,
"Fuck it.
1802
01:05:42,147 --> 01:05:43,273
Let's start with my class."
1803
01:05:44,316 --> 01:05:45,942
So, we robbed
1804
01:05:45,942 --> 01:05:48,779
them first... while they slept
1805
01:05:48,779 --> 01:05:50,614
if that makes it better...
1806
01:05:50,614 --> 01:05:52,908
and then we robbed
the whole train.
1807
01:05:52,908 --> 01:05:54,743
And if it's any consolation,
we robbed me, too.
1808
01:05:54,743 --> 01:05:57,412
My bag was with them.
1809
01:05:57,412 --> 01:05:59,247
And then we drank
all night long.
1810
01:05:59,247 --> 01:06:01,958
All night long...
like, literally,
1811
01:06:01,958 --> 01:06:03,543
until 6:00 in the morning.
1812
01:06:03,543 --> 01:06:05,087
Top five drunkest I've ever been
without throwing up
1813
01:06:05,087 --> 01:06:06,088
in my entire life.
1814
01:06:06,088 --> 01:06:07,589
We pull into Moscow at 6:00 a.m.
1815
01:06:07,589 --> 01:06:08,840
I am piss drunk.
1816
01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:10,425
You ever been so drunk,
you're like,
1817
01:06:10,425 --> 01:06:13,220
"I know I got to piss
but I can't find my dick"?
1818
01:06:13,220 --> 01:06:14,721
Train stops.
1819
01:06:14,721 --> 01:06:16,139
Sun's up.
1820
01:06:16,139 --> 01:06:17,224
I'm hammered.
1821
01:06:17,224 --> 01:06:18,558
Door opens.
1822
01:06:18,558 --> 01:06:21,895
Same teacher, not mad.
1823
01:06:21,895 --> 01:06:24,398
Curious, right?
1824
01:06:24,398 --> 01:06:26,858
She looks me in the eyes smiling
and goes, "I want to be the one
1825
01:06:26,858 --> 01:06:29,152
to tell you
they've alerted the police."
1826
01:06:29,152 --> 01:06:32,322
And I look out and
on the platform my whole class
1827
01:06:32,322 --> 01:06:34,491
is standing there with a cop,
talking.
1828
01:06:34,491 --> 01:06:35,742
They're upset.
They've been robbed.
1829
01:06:35,742 --> 01:06:36,952
I get it.
1830
01:06:40,622 --> 01:06:43,792
Apparently they'd never heard
snitches get stitches.
1831
01:06:45,502 --> 01:06:47,254
Big Igor sees this and
is completely unfazed.
1832
01:06:47,254 --> 01:06:48,255
He's like...
(scoffs)
1833
01:06:48,255 --> 01:06:49,423
"Don't worry.
1834
01:06:49,423 --> 01:06:51,591
I talk to police
for both of us."
1835
01:06:51,591 --> 01:06:53,635
I was like, "Oh, thank God."
1836
01:06:53,635 --> 01:06:55,470
He cracks a bottle of vodka.
1837
01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:58,140
I'm like, eh, I wouldn't bring
that out to an officer, maybe.
1838
01:06:58,140 --> 01:07:00,350
Lights a cigarette,
walks out to the cop...
1839
01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,936
who's taking a statement.
1840
01:07:02,936 --> 01:07:04,729
The cop is taking a statement.
1841
01:07:04,729 --> 01:07:07,232
Igor walks up behind him,
grabs him by the arm,
1842
01:07:07,232 --> 01:07:11,194
spins him around and goes,
"Fuck you!
1843
01:07:11,194 --> 01:07:14,030
"We fuck you in the mouth!
1844
01:07:14,030 --> 01:07:16,575
We fuck you in the ass!
We..."
1845
01:07:16,575 --> 01:07:19,327
I'm like, "Stop with
the fucking 'we' shit!"
1846
01:07:19,327 --> 01:07:21,955
Now the cop is just staring
at me and I hear him bark out...
1847
01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:23,874
(speaks Russian)
1848
01:07:23,874 --> 01:07:25,542
...which I don't even know
what that means,
1849
01:07:25,542 --> 01:07:29,629
but it doesn't sound like,
"You're okay. Stay there."
1850
01:07:29,629 --> 01:07:30,881
It is a come-to-Jesus moment
1851
01:07:30,881 --> 01:07:32,507
where you know you've fucked up.
1852
01:07:32,507 --> 01:07:35,218
All I thought as I walked
to the cop,
1853
01:07:35,218 --> 01:07:38,638
who's standing in front
of the class I just robbed,
1854
01:07:38,638 --> 01:07:40,390
next to the gangster
I robbed them with,
1855
01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:43,393
my only thought was,
"This isn't how I planned
1856
01:07:43,393 --> 01:07:46,563
on spending
my second junior year."
1857
01:07:46,563 --> 01:07:50,484
In the gulag taking
hot dicks to the throat.
1858
01:07:50,484 --> 01:07:53,820
I get five steps from the cop,
who looks impatient as shit.
1859
01:07:53,820 --> 01:07:57,365
He takes two big-ass steps,
grabs me by the arm,
1860
01:07:57,365 --> 01:07:59,534
spins me away from my class,
away from Igor,
1861
01:07:59,534 --> 01:08:01,077
pulls me right into his face
and he goes,
1862
01:08:01,077 --> 01:08:03,038
"So...
1863
01:08:03,038 --> 01:08:05,790
I understand
you're The Machine."
1864
01:08:07,667 --> 01:08:10,128
"Nice."
1865
01:08:13,924 --> 01:08:16,885
"Tonight you party with us."
1866
01:08:16,885 --> 01:08:19,262
I was like, "What?"
1867
01:08:19,262 --> 01:08:21,806
He's like, "Tonight you party
with us, yes?"
1868
01:08:21,806 --> 01:08:23,642
And I looked at him
and I was like, "Wait.
1869
01:08:23,642 --> 01:08:25,769
I'm not in trouble?"
1870
01:08:25,769 --> 01:08:27,229
And he gets so close to me
1871
01:08:27,229 --> 01:08:29,189
I can smell his morning
cigarette and he goes,
1872
01:08:29,189 --> 01:08:31,358
"No.
1873
01:08:31,358 --> 01:08:34,361
Fuck that bitch.
This is Russia."
1874
01:08:36,071 --> 01:08:38,698
Thank you.
1875
01:08:38,698 --> 01:08:41,785
Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much.
1876
01:08:41,785 --> 01:08:42,786
Thank you.
1877
01:08:43,787 --> 01:08:45,121
Thank you.
1878
01:08:52,587 --> 01:08:54,506
Thank you so much.
1879
01:08:59,010 --> 01:09:01,972
Thank you so much, everyone,
for coming out tonight.
1880
01:09:01,972 --> 01:09:04,266
From the bottom of my heart,
this means the world to me.
1881
01:09:04,266 --> 01:09:05,350
Thank you so much.
1882
01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:13,858
Take care! God bless!
1883
01:09:13,858 --> 01:09:15,860
Captioning sponsored by
LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
1884
01:09:15,860 --> 01:09:17,862
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
138311
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