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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,127 --> 00:00:04,130 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:09,218 ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Bert Kreischer! 3 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:12,346 (audience cheering) 4 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,937 (cheering louder) 5 00:00:25,110 --> 00:00:26,485 Oh... 6 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,946 Sit down, please. 7 00:00:28,946 --> 00:00:31,323 Oh, yeah. 8 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:34,077 ♪ ♪ 9 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,494 All right, cut the music. 10 00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:36,620 Cut the music. 11 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,164 Yes, yes. 12 00:00:38,164 --> 00:00:39,206 MAN: The Machine! 13 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:40,416 The Machine, yes. 14 00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:42,751 (laughter) 15 00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:43,878 Don't worry, I didn't drive out here 16 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,546 not to tell that story, okay, guys? 17 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,923 You think they gave me all these cameras, 18 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:51,760 and I won't bring that up? (laughs) 19 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,556 Yeah, I am The Machine. 20 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,642 I'm also a father of two with high blood pressure. 21 00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:02,438 And possibly an inactive thyroid, because... 22 00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:05,483 my wife scheduled a fucking blood panel 23 00:01:05,483 --> 00:01:06,859 this week. 24 00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,694 (stammers) "I got you a blood panel. 25 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,155 I thought we should know if something's wrong with you." 26 00:01:10,155 --> 00:01:11,572 I go, "I'm shooting a special on Friday. 27 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,199 "Do you think maybe... 28 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:14,658 you can hold off?" 29 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:15,743 "Well, don't you want to know?" 30 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,912 No, not this fucking week, no. 31 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:20,623 I didn't even know men had thyroids. 32 00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:22,458 (laughter) 33 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:25,461 I'm being dead serious. 34 00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:26,795 Doctor's like, "Does your dad have a thyroid?" 35 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,672 And I was like, "I don't think so." 36 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,133 He's like, "Holy cow, are you serious? 37 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,467 How about his dad?" 38 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,928 I go, "No, definitely not, yeah. 39 00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:36,305 "You should know if something's wrong, 40 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,723 'cause you have children." 41 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:38,974 Fuck that. 42 00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,684 Do you...? I did not sign up 43 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,770 for this responsibility to be a grown-up. 44 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,271 I don't know if you guys feel the way I do. 45 00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,273 But just, like, growing up sucks dick. 46 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,691 -(laughter) -(man whoops) 47 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,818 I'm, like, kids? 48 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,403 I got two kids. I got two kids. 49 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:54,323 I got, uh, Georgia is 11. 50 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,283 Blond hair, blue eyes, real smart. 51 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,118 And, uh, I got another one. 52 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,371 (laughter) 53 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,208 I don't know if you guys got one of those kids 54 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:07,962 that was just... a fucking mess, like... 55 00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:11,048 literally, like, board-certified messes. 56 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,675 Like, if it wasn't my kid, 57 00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:13,968 I'd be like, "She's stupid." 58 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,512 But she's mine, so I love her. 59 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:18,347 Just doesn't think right. 60 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:19,682 Her brain, like... 61 00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:21,433 Last-- this morning, we're cuddling in bed, I-- 62 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,060 she's laying on my arm, 63 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,770 laying on my arm, and she starts doing this. 64 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:27,773 (grunting) 65 00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,316 I go, "What are you doing?" 66 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,277 She goes, "I'm trying to soften it up." 67 00:02:31,277 --> 00:02:34,405 (laughter, applause) 68 00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:35,990 I go, "It's my arm, Ila." 69 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,243 "I know. It's hard as a rock." 70 00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:40,578 Dyslexic. 71 00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:43,206 Dyslexic as shit. 72 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,832 Like, you got to read with her. 73 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,166 You can't let her read by herself, 74 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,960 'cause she just won't. She just won't. 75 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,004 It's too hard, and, uh, your heart breaks. 76 00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:52,047 But I don't want to sit and read a book. 77 00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:55,260 (laughter) 78 00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,969 I have a hard time reading, too. 79 00:02:56,969 --> 00:02:59,430 And then... you got... 80 00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:01,515 She just sits there and looks at the word 81 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,767 and then, like, tries to guess it off your face. 82 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:04,977 Like... 83 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:08,606 (laughter) 84 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:10,899 "Pterodactyl?" 85 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,986 No, it's "the," Ila. 86 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:16,363 Very few-few books you're gonna read in your life 87 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:19,242 are gonna start off with "Pterodactyl." 88 00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:20,784 "Crocodile?" 89 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,245 No, "the car," Ila. 90 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:25,497 "The car." 91 00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:27,041 She's smart. 92 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:30,295 Just not like a useful-to-society smart. 93 00:03:30,295 --> 00:03:32,129 Like, you'll never reap the benefits of her intelligence, 94 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:34,131 I promise you that, unless you have a dead body 95 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,884 in your trunk at 2:00 a.m.... 96 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,427 There was an attempted kidnapping 97 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:39,887 in a school adjacent to ours. 98 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,764 And the teacher sat the kids down, 99 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,098 told them they needed a safe word. 100 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:44,224 Ila comes home locked in. 101 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,810 "Dad... we need a safe word." 102 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,896 I'm like, "Okay, how about 'Agnes'? 103 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,315 That's the street we live on." 104 00:03:50,315 --> 00:03:52,441 She goes, "Too easy." 105 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,526 (laughter) 106 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:55,569 "Too easy?" 107 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,904 "Yeah, too easy." 108 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,155 I go, "Why is that?" 109 00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,657 She goes, "Dad, they could guess that." 110 00:03:59,657 --> 00:04:01,575 I go, "Hey, Ila, if someone's guessing at our safe word, 111 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,619 don't get in their fucking car." 112 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,954 (laughter) 113 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,331 (quietly): Fuck. 114 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:09,583 (scattered clapping) 115 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:12,544 I go, "How about 'Priscilla'? That's our dog." 116 00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,421 She goes, "Are you even thinking?!" 117 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,173 I go, "What do you think it should be?" 118 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,341 She doesn't even miss a beat. 119 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,051 She goes, "How about 'motherfucker'?" 120 00:04:19,051 --> 00:04:20,344 (laughter) 121 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:22,763 (applause) 122 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,807 "Think about it, Dad. 123 00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:26,600 No one's gonna say 'motherfucker' to a kid." 124 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,312 (laughter) 125 00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:33,148 Oh, "motherfucker" it is, motherfucker. 126 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,234 And that was our safe word. 127 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:36,777 (cheering, applause) 128 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:37,986 Yeah. 129 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,405 Wait, I had to change it. 130 00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:40,864 I had to change it. 131 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,157 It was too good. 132 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,826 I knew I was taking it onstage, so I had to cha... 133 00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:45,703 But not before Stephen Fromkin had to pick them up. 134 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,496 He's like, "I'll get the girls." 135 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:50,499 I was like, "Heads up-- our safe word's 'motherfucker.'" 136 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,335 He's like, "I can't say that to your kids." 137 00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:55,671 I was like, "Good luck getting Ila home." 138 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,881 He pulls up, Georgia jumps in the car 139 00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:00,551 like she's trying to get molested. 140 00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,261 Ila's locked down. 141 00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,221 "What's our safe word?" 142 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:07,350 She's known this guy eight of her nine years. 143 00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:10,602 "What's our safe word?" 144 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,271 He's like, "Ila, I know the safe word. 145 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:13,939 It's a bad word. I'm not saying it out loud." 146 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:16,359 She goes, "Then I'm not getting in your car." 147 00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:17,943 He looks at her and he goes, 148 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:20,487 "The safe word is 'motherfucker.'" 149 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,281 She looks at him in front of all the teachers 150 00:05:22,281 --> 00:05:23,741 and goes, "I can't hear you." 151 00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:25,617 (laughter) 152 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:26,744 That's this child. 153 00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:28,078 You get these two morons together? 154 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:30,289 Holy shit! 155 00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:32,207 Georgia's like the caveman that discovered fire. 156 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,959 Ila's like the caveman who discovered 157 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:36,545 Stop, Drop and Roll. 158 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:37,838 They woke up one morning. 159 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,631 One morning they wake up at 5:00 in the morning... 160 00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,842 They were younger. They-- I don't know 161 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,719 how old they were, but they were younger. 162 00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:45,179 Like, I don't trust dads 163 00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:47,306 who know exactly how old their kids are. 164 00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:50,142 (laughter) 165 00:05:50,142 --> 00:05:52,686 If you're talking to a dad and he's like, "16 months today," 166 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,063 he'd better be married to another dad. 167 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:57,107 (laughter, applause) 168 00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:02,196 And that's-- I don't mean that homophobic. 169 00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:04,364 I'm not homophobic at all. I'm not, I'm not. 170 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,575 I'm definitely not. I'm more like a homo-chondriac. 171 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,744 Like, I'm comfortable if you're gay, 172 00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,454 I'm comfortable with your lifestyle. 173 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,581 I'm just afraid one night you'll get me drunk 174 00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:15,959 and trick me into it... 175 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:18,128 and I'll like it. 176 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:20,297 (laughing): That's my fear! 177 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:23,342 I'll like it and I'll be good at it. 178 00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:25,636 Just... (snorts, honking) 179 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,179 Line 'em up! 180 00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:29,348 (honking) 181 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,974 (laughter) 182 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,476 (sighs) 183 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,728 So I saw a gay porn once for, like, 45 minutes, 184 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,271 let me tell you something. 185 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,273 Holy shit! 186 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:41,652 Ladies, you got to step up your blow job game. 187 00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,111 Yeah. 188 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,738 You're still playing JV basketball, 189 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:48,116 and the gay guys are the Harlem Globetrotters. 190 00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,077 Yeah, dunking on cocks! 191 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,455 Gong! 192 00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:53,789 Holding their own head. 193 00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:57,543 Fuck this face, son! 194 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:58,585 (chuckles) 195 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,463 What the fuck are we talking about? 196 00:07:00,463 --> 00:07:01,713 I'm literally... 197 00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,632 How did I get off on this gay rant? 198 00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:06,301 (laughter) 199 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:09,596 WOMAN: Oh, my Go-- oh, my God! 200 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:10,973 The fucking... 201 00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:12,599 Oh, my daughters! My daughters! My daughters! 202 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:13,642 Huh. 203 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,686 Gay guys sucking cock-- 204 00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,104 oh, my daughters, okay, here we go. 205 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,272 This'll work. 206 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,819 My daughters woke up... 207 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,280 at 5:00 in the morning, 5:00 in the morning. 208 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,198 They were younger. They were like f-f-f... 209 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,783 three and five, four and six... 210 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,619 They-they weren't wearing watches, so... 211 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,080 they wake up at 5:00 in the morning, 5:00 in the morning. 212 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,748 5:00 in the fucking morning, 213 00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:38,750 'cause they're training to be farmers or some shit. 214 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:42,337 Either that, or they run a meth lab out of the closet. 215 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,839 I don't know. 216 00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,716 All we hear is them laughing hysterically 217 00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,092 on the baby monitor 218 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:50,470 like two homeless guys who just found a 20. 219 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,890 So I go downstairs, this is what I see. 220 00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:56,561 Ila, my baby, is naked, which isn't weird, 221 00:07:56,561 --> 00:07:58,312 because apparently one time I told her, 222 00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:02,566 "Sometimes you got to let your shit breathe." 223 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,568 Uh, we only know that, 224 00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:07,529 'cause that's what she told the preschool teacher. 225 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:10,657 Yeah, on the swing set 226 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,744 in a dress just airing her shit out. 227 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,663 Just... (whooshing) 228 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,665 Va-jay-jay! 229 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:21,335 Teacher's like, "Oh, Ila, honey, where are your panties?" 230 00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:22,586 She just hops off. 231 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,212 "Sometimes you got to let your shit breathe." 232 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,672 (laughter) 233 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,966 (scattered claps) 234 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,928 Ila's in the raw-- I-Ila's naked. 235 00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:33,472 Georgia's in the rocking chair, laughing hysterically. 236 00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:35,349 And our dog's sitting in between them like, 237 00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:37,768 "I don't fucking know." 238 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:38,936 So I come in, I'm like, "Hey, guys, 239 00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,604 "it's really early in the morning. 240 00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,314 "Mommy and I are still sleeping. 241 00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,732 What could possibly be so funny?" 242 00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:45,150 Georgia gets in my face, goes, "Daddy, 243 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,902 "you got to see Baby Ila's new trick. 244 00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,487 It is hilarious." 245 00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:49,529 I said, "What is it?" 246 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,697 She goes, "No. 247 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,282 "I don't want to spoil it for you, Dad. 248 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,034 "You got to see it. 249 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,869 Ila, show Daddy the trick." 250 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,372 So Ila, my baby, 251 00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:00,374 the lunatic, the naked one, 252 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:03,377 real quick, real quick, 253 00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:05,170 takes her finger and shoves it up her ass. 254 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,296 (audience groans) 255 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,839 Don't fucking judge me. 256 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:08,882 (laughter) 257 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,175 You think I was ready to parent that? 258 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,259 It's 5:00 in the morning. 259 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,803 You think you could've parented it? 260 00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:15,305 The Super Nanny couldn't have stopped it. 261 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,183 And now it's in there-- as a parent, 262 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,352 I kind of want to see the second part of the trick. 263 00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,729 (laughter) 264 00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,440 She takes it out of her ass, 265 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,317 and puts it in the dog's mouth. 266 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,735 Now... Hey! Hey! 267 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:29,903 Hey, fuck you! 268 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,238 I saw it, okay?! 269 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,657 I'm just telling you about it, I sa-- I was like, 270 00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:36,201 "What the fuck is wrong with you two?! 271 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:39,121 "What are you guys-- Germans?! 272 00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:40,706 "New rule! 273 00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:42,165 "We do not put our fingers in our butts 274 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,042 "and then put them in our animals' mouths! 275 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:47,337 I can't believe I'm saying this!" 276 00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:49,673 Georgia gets in my face, goes, "Calm down. 277 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,550 It's funny. You just don't get it." 278 00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:53,135 (laughter) 279 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:58,598 "What, what part of that trick is funny, Georgia?" 280 00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,808 She didn't even miss a beat. She goes, 281 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:03,020 "We've been doing it all morning... 282 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,731 and the dog doesn't know it's poop, Dad." 283 00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,734 I'm like, "Fuck it. Do it again." 284 00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,653 They do it again, the dog comes right back. 285 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,738 Like, "What's on the finger? What's on the finger? 286 00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:14,364 "Oh, it's shit! 287 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:17,242 What's on that finger? What's on that finger?" 288 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,369 So, an hour later when my wife woke up, 289 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:22,330 I'm like, "You got to see Baby Ila's new trick." 290 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,915 She's like, "What is it?" 291 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,792 And I was like, "I don't want to spoil it for you. 292 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,211 You got to see it. Ila, show Mommy the trick." 293 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,630 And Ila just goes to town-- wham, wham! 294 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,633 My wife's like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" 295 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,093 I'm like, "Give it an hour. 296 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,429 "It gets funnier. 297 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:40,015 "The dog doesn't know it's shit. 298 00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,266 "No, watch the dog. 299 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,976 It's a rescue-- it's fine." 300 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,730 (laughter) 301 00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:48,356 Kids, kids. 302 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,068 Kids. (laughs) 303 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,819 It's the fact that you think about them all the time. 304 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,280 You do, nonstop. I jumped out of a plane with Rachael Ray. 305 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,907 (man whoops) 306 00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:57,991 Is she here? 307 00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,703 (laughter) 308 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:03,997 Rachael Ray is a fucking gangster. 309 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,374 Like, legit gang... 310 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,168 She comes in. I do her show. 311 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,337 She comes backstage at, like, 8:00 in the morning. 312 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,215 She's got a pint of Guinness, a bowl of chili 313 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,050 with a fried egg on top. 314 00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,552 (moans) 315 00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,346 She comes back, she goes, "I know you're a comic. 316 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,681 "I thought a beer might loosen you up before the show. 317 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,683 I don't know if you like, uh, chili with an egg?" 318 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,310 I'm like... (muttering) 319 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,187 As she hands it to me, she goes, 320 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,522 "What's one thing you'd never do 321 00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,065 on your show Bert the Conqueror?" 322 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,817 I have a show Bert the Conqueror where I do extreme activities. 323 00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:34,111 -(cheering) -She goes, "What's...?" Thank you, yeah. 324 00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:35,654 Thank you. She goes, "What's one thing you'd never do?" 325 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,114 And I had an answer-- it's skydiving. 326 00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,907 I go, "I know I'd never go skydiving." 327 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,034 She goes, "Really?" I go, "Never. I don't want to go." 328 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,787 She goes, "Awesome. I'll see you out onstage." 329 00:11:42,787 --> 00:11:44,704 I was like, "Oh, I wonder why she asked that." 330 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,206 (laughter) 331 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,582 I get out on the stage, 332 00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:49,584 and the first thing she says to the crowd is, 333 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,878 "All right, all right, backstage, 334 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,381 Bert said he'd never go skydiving." 335 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:57,676 I'm like, "Bitch, that was a secret." 336 00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,427 She's like, "Who wants to see him do it?" 337 00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:02,681 And now I have 500 women going, "Do it, fat boy!" 338 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,724 And I got the beer in me, the chili. 339 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,977 I'm like, "Fuck it! Let's go! Let's go!" 340 00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:09,813 Two weeks later, I'm strapped to a dude. 341 00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:11,774 You know that's how you skydive? 342 00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:15,610 Just strapped to a dude in a prison rape harness? 343 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,988 That's how you skydive. 344 00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:21,658 Just stra-- and he tells you when to walk, when to sit. 345 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,536 It is massively emasculating. 346 00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:26,163 Has anyone ever been skydiving in here? 347 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,497 -(scattered whoops) -You've been. 348 00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,332 You've been. And so, you, you get in the plane 349 00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:30,917 and you're sitting in a dude's lap. 350 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,670 You're sitting-- your Navy SEAL moment, 351 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,173 and you're sitting in a dude's lap. 352 00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:38,801 And I start shaking, 'cause I'm nervous. 353 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,427 I'm, like, freaking out. 354 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,137 And he's-- can feel me, 'cause I-I realize 355 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:44,347 as we go to taxi, I realize I haven't flown sober 356 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:45,765 in 20 years. 357 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,642 (laughter) 358 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,854 Sober in a big plane in 20 years. 359 00:12:49,854 --> 00:12:53,106 And I haven't flown in a dude's lap in 42. 360 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,192 And he feels me shaking and he's like, 361 00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:56,819 "What's the matter?" 362 00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,111 I go, "What do you mean what's the matter?" 363 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,864 I go, "I'm nervous." 364 00:12:59,864 --> 00:13:01,281 He goes, "About what?" 365 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,324 "What do you mean about what?" 366 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,491 He goes, "What are you nervous...? 367 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,701 What are you afraid of?" 368 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,786 I go, "I don't know-- you'll get hard." 369 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,371 (laughter) 370 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,581 "You'll, you'll get hard. 371 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,042 "That'll trigger me. I'll get hard. 372 00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:13,376 "We'll both get hard, 373 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,878 "then we'll jump out of the plane, 374 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,171 "our chute won't open, 375 00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:18,715 "and that's how two backpackers will find us. 376 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,884 "You fucking me into the earth. 377 00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:23,970 You fucking me into the planet." 378 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,597 That'll be the how I go... 379 00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:28,600 This guy craved dick so bad, 380 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,060 he had a man harness him up 381 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,645 and fuck him out of his shoes 382 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:35,357 until his head exploded in the woods. 383 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,818 I go, "I'm nervous our chute won't open." 384 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,111 (laughs) 385 00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:42,447 He goes, "You couldn't kill us if you tried." 386 00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:43,866 I'm like, "I'm a smart guy. 387 00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,659 I can fucking figure it out." 388 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,870 I lean over to Rachael and I grab her leg. 389 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,247 Her leg, just... It's the most uncom-- 390 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,998 just grab her leg and I start squeezing. 391 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,375 She goes, "What's the matter?" 392 00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,710 I go, "I don't want to do this." 393 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,337 She goes, "I, I think you're doing it." 394 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,214 She's like, "You're at the front of the tube of toothpaste. 395 00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:00,674 "Everyone's out behind-- you're going. 396 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,260 You're definitely going." 397 00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,095 I go, "No, I-I don't want to," and she goes, "You're, look..." 398 00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:07,222 And now the engines kick in and she starts yelling at me. 399 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,140 She goes, "Look, you'll be fine! 400 00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,101 "Whatever you do, 401 00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:13,061 "do not watch me go out the door! 402 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,772 You will freak the fuck out!" 403 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,858 I'm like, "Who taught you how to talk someone off a ledge?" 404 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,820 We get up to our cruising altitude, 405 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,072 her and her dude get up perfectly, 406 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,282 like Danny and Sandy, just 407 00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:27,910 "a wop baba lumop a wop bam boom!" 408 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,869 She posts up at the door, 409 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,329 looks me in the eyes, does her read, 410 00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,831 one take to camera: "I'm Rachael Ray. 411 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,374 "I'm at 30,000 feet with Bert the Conqueror. 412 00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,875 "We're about to jump out of a... airplane! 413 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,294 Who's ready? Who...? Yum-o" or whatever, 414 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,670 and then fucking, "Let's go!" 415 00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,088 And then looks at me and goes, "Bert!" 416 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,214 I'm like, "Yeah?" 417 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,590 She goes, "Don't watch this!" 418 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:43,842 And... (whooshes) 419 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:47,137 they get sucked out of the fucking plane! 420 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:51,349 And I have panic shoot out of my asshole. 421 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:54,394 I grab onto the cameraman who's not wearing a parachute. 422 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:57,814 There's an open door at 13,000 feet. 423 00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,733 And as soon as I touched him, he just starts kicking me. 424 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,860 "Get off me, asshole!" 425 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,778 Sound guy posts up in the corner 426 00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,405 with the boom mic like a gladiator. 427 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,408 "Get him down! Get him down!" 428 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,744 My guy just takes over and Baby Bjorns me. 429 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,246 (grunts) "Here we go." 430 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,042 Takes me to the corner and I lock in. 431 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,710 I go, "I'm having second thoughts!" 432 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,628 He's like, "We're going in three." 433 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:22,672 I'm like, "I'm not hard yet!" 434 00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,299 "We're going in two." 435 00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,508 And I was like, "You go by yourself. 436 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,093 I'll meet you down there!" 437 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,012 And then he says, "Oh, my God, what's wrong with your straps?" 438 00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:30,180 I'm like, "What?" 439 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,848 (whooshes) 440 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:35,685 And we go screaming to the earth at 100 miles an hour. 441 00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,604 This guy's in my ear, like, 442 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,564 "Do you want to catch up with Rachael?" 443 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:42,026 I'm like, "Fuck her-- she's dead to me." 444 00:15:42,026 --> 00:15:44,402 (laughter) 445 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,242 It is... 446 00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:53,620 it is an epiphanous moment, dare I say-- 447 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,455 and my therapist says I have a low threshold 448 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,166 for epiphanous moments, but... 449 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,585 And I always say, like, did you want to go skydiving? 450 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:01,836 Okay. 451 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,296 The people that don't want to go skydiving 452 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,048 are who should go skydiving. 453 00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,967 It's those that don't want to go that appreciate it the most. 454 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,136 You go, and you're just Viking all the way. 455 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,679 Aah! 456 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,015 People who don't want to go, 457 00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:16,059 there's a moment where you realize 458 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,395 the dice have been rolled. 459 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,814 There's nothing you can do to change this. 460 00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,942 You're either gonna live or die in five minutes, 461 00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:27,320 and you can't take a pill or start working out to stop it. 462 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,364 It is out of your control. 463 00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,533 And you are forced with a decision-- 464 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,118 how do you meet your maker? 465 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,869 Do you go out like a Viking? 466 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,246 Aah! 467 00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,081 Or do you start crying like a baby? 468 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,208 (wailing) 469 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,961 Oh, I picked, I picked the Viking. 470 00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:45,547 I, at that moment, I said, "I've had a beautiful life. 471 00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:46,798 Let's do it." 472 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,134 Aah! 473 00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,552 Until the chute opened, then I started crying 474 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:52,804 aggressively. 475 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:55,348 Like, bad. Like, in a dude's lap. 476 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,850 (laughter) 477 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,977 Have you ever cried in a man's lap? 478 00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:01,563 Have you ever had a man take you out to the middle of a field 479 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,524 and sit in your lap and just sob silently? 480 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,777 That's technically what I'm doing to this poor guy. 481 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,029 'Cause the first thing I thought of was my kids. 482 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,614 I'm gonna get to see my kids again. 483 00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:14,075 And pizza. Like, I get pizza. 484 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,369 And I just started sobbing under this canopy, 485 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,538 and the poor guy's like, "Dude, it's gonna be okay. 486 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,331 Like, you, we're-we're, we did it, we did it." 487 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:21,666 It was so bad, when we went to land, 488 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:22,959 he's like, "Clean yourself up. 489 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,336 They're gonna think I did something to you." 490 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,090 And the on-- the last thing-- thought that stuck with me 491 00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:30,049 was my children, that's it. I go, "My children. 492 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,551 They're gonna have-- they have a dad!" 493 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,303 Like, that-- what? That is not 494 00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,430 what I signed up for when I picked my wife 495 00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:38,558 out of a bowling alley, like... 496 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,893 That makes no sense. We met at a bowling alley. 497 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,603 But when I met her, 498 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,146 like, I didn't sign up for the vulnerability. 499 00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,148 That's the part about having kids 500 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,317 that fucks you up is the vuln... 501 00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:48,610 Do you have children? 502 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:49,736 You do. How many you got? 503 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:50,778 You got one? 504 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,780 Eh, you're barely in it. 505 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,033 Wait till you got two, and you go, "Oh, shit. 506 00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:56,743 If I lose one, it's gonna be awkward." 507 00:17:56,743 --> 00:18:00,830 (laughter) 508 00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,248 Children, the thing that'll f... 509 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,708 And I don't know if you've been there. 510 00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:04,959 How old's your kid? 511 00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,920 Two-- oh, you're brand-new to the game, man. 512 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,881 Wait till they meet disaster in their life. 513 00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:12,008 Or they meet letdown or-- oh. 514 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,802 We took the girls, we took the girls to school this year. 515 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:17,055 Uh, LeeAnn takes Georgia. 516 00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:18,932 I take Ila. 517 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,141 Walk up... (stammers) 518 00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,309 the first day of school. 519 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,519 Now, here's the first thing with girls. 520 00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:23,686 First day of school, 521 00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:24,938 you hope they have friends in their class 522 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,981 or it's a shit show. 523 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,858 So, LeeAnn's got Georgia, I take Ila. 524 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:30,276 We go up to the, like on the fence. 525 00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,778 They put all the names on the fence. 526 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:32,904 I go up to the fence. 527 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,948 Ila can't read. She's like... (groaning) 528 00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,824 (laughter) 529 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,451 (short laugh) 530 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,203 (laughing): I look at the, 531 00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,288 I look at the list. 532 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,873 Room nine-- I walk over to room nine. 533 00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,750 Here's what I see as we walk over to room nine. 534 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,544 This is the first kid I see-- Chinese kid, 535 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:50,630 short, dumpy, big-big, like, baby beluga head, 536 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:54,217 his hair starts in the middle, right, and he's just got 537 00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,511 this stare like a dog who's got peanut butter 538 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:58,471 stuck in his throat, like... 539 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,890 (laughter) 540 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,895 Kid behind him-- hand licker, just... 541 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,438 (grunting) 542 00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:09,399 Like, he's trying to get to the center of it, like... 543 00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:11,859 (grunting) 544 00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,861 Kid behind him-- tippy-toe walker. 545 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:14,946 You know that kid? 546 00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,364 Hand full of Pokémon cards. 547 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:17,865 "Hey, anyone want to make a trade? 548 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,618 Anyone want to trade?" 549 00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,453 Ila sees this and is like, 550 00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:25,123 "Can I talk to you for a second?" 551 00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:26,958 We go over to the handball courts. 552 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:28,167 I sit down. 553 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,961 This is what's happening. 554 00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,629 Uh, Ila's got her head back like this. 555 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:32,922 I don't know what she's doing. 556 00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,882 She's got her head back like this. 557 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:37,844 What she's doing is, she's holding the tears in her eyes. 558 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,470 (audience groans) 559 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:40,805 Don't get me fucking started. 560 00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,390 (laughter) 561 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,767 She brings her head down to me. 562 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,311 And she-- and a tear falls out. 563 00:19:46,311 --> 00:19:48,062 She looks at me dead in the eyes and she goes, 564 00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:51,024 "Daddy, am I in the stupid class?" 565 00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,442 (audience groans) 566 00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:56,195 I didn't fucking sign up for this, okay? 567 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,781 I was a goddamn stallion when my wife found me. 568 00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:02,035 A st-- an untethered, beautiful animal 569 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,911 just running at my own speed. 570 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,331 (grunting and neighing) 571 00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,208 I was gorgeous! 572 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,418 No one controlled me. 573 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,544 I decided what I wanted to do. 574 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,670 If it rained, I'd run in the rain. 575 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,672 Just... (grunting and neighing) 576 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,301 Mist coming off my mane and tail 577 00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:19,385 and-and just rearing up outside the village 578 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,220 for all the villagers to see. 579 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,598 (neighs) 580 00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,725 And my wife was this diseased settler with rickets. 581 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,936 Like, "Huh... 582 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,315 I need me a stallion." 583 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,569 So she snuck up on me with a bag of carrots. 584 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,779 Carrots are blow jobs. 585 00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,697 And was like... 586 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,866 (clicking tongue) 587 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:47,914 Come here, boy. Come here, boy. 588 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,874 Here you go, boy. Try it, you'll like it. 589 00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:51,584 No, you'll like it. 590 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,461 I bet you'll like it. I bet you'll like it. 591 00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,004 And you like it. You try the carrot. 592 00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:57,382 You like it, but what you don't realize 593 00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,841 is that when they're handing you the carrot, 594 00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:01,135 with the other hand, they start petting you. 595 00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:04,555 That's them taming you. 596 00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,890 "Oh, you have a beautiful mane. 597 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,809 "Oh. 598 00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:09,560 You should start wearing khakis." 599 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,397 (neighing) 600 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:15,817 "Oh, it's okay, boy. It's okay. 601 00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:17,694 You should get rid of your Jeep." 602 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,487 (neighing) 603 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:22,281 And then, one day, out of nowhere, 604 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,033 the petting makes sense. 605 00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:26,703 You feel them pets, you're like, "Oh, yeah, huh. 606 00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,538 "Maybe I should go to the dentist 607 00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:31,457 more than once every ten years." 608 00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,043 And then, you don't even realize it, but one morning, 609 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:35,712 you go to run just like you used to run, 610 00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:37,505 just like everyone loved to watch you run. 611 00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:39,674 And as you take off, you feel someone pull back on the reigns. 612 00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,134 Like, "Whoa. 613 00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:43,803 We don't do shots at a child's party." 614 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:46,723 (laughter) 615 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,725 (scattered applause) 616 00:21:48,725 --> 00:21:51,185 And there I am, just an old nag now. 617 00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:53,312 I don't even get carrots anymore. 618 00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:55,399 I just get hay. 619 00:21:55,399 --> 00:21:58,568 If I do get carrots, I got to throw a temper tantrum for them. 620 00:21:58,568 --> 00:21:59,944 (laughter) 621 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,738 And now I'm sitting in a pair of sweatpants 622 00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:04,031 by the handball courts and I got a nine-year-old 623 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:06,117 breaking my heart at 7:45 in the morning. 624 00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:08,578 This isn't what I fucking signed up for. 625 00:22:08,578 --> 00:22:10,830 And I'm looking at her and I'm, like, thinking 626 00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,999 how do I deal with it-- like, like... 627 00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,751 "Hey, it's okay. 628 00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:16,711 "Stupid classes are fun. 629 00:22:16,711 --> 00:22:18,755 "Like... 630 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:22,300 "lowered expectation is higher rewards, you know? 631 00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:24,510 "I was, you know, I, a lot of my friends-- 632 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,053 "the guys that I smoked pot-- 633 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:28,097 "they all stupid. 634 00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:31,100 Is-- stupid is as stupid does, like...." 635 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,727 And LeeAnn comes over and she's like, 636 00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:34,103 "Hey, what's going on here?" 637 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:36,063 Now, we're both tearing up. We're both crying. 638 00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:37,732 And she goes, "What's going on?" 639 00:22:37,732 --> 00:22:40,444 And Ila's like-- I'm like... 640 00:22:40,444 --> 00:22:42,945 "She-- we think she's in the stupid class. 641 00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,197 "She brought it up. I definitely agree. 642 00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,323 I definitely agree." 643 00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:47,116 And LeeAnn's like, "Hold on!" 644 00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:48,951 And I go, "No, no, you hold on. You got to look at that class. 645 00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:51,455 It looked like the cast of Goonies, like..." 646 00:22:51,455 --> 00:22:53,498 And LeeAnn's like, "Hold on, hold on! 647 00:22:53,498 --> 00:22:54,749 "Everyone stop crying. 648 00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:56,584 There's no such thing as the stupid class." 649 00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:59,545 I'm like, "Eh, I'd beg to disagree." 650 00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:01,506 She's like, "No, Ila, honey. 651 00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:02,965 "If there was a stupid class, 652 00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:04,967 "they would have had to call me two months ago 653 00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:07,136 "and say, 'Hey, we're putting Ila in the stupid class.' 654 00:23:07,136 --> 00:23:08,971 "And I would've taken you out of this school in a second. 655 00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:10,473 "I would've never let you be-- let them do that to you. 656 00:23:10,473 --> 00:23:12,767 "But if they did call me two months ago, Ila, 657 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:16,438 "and I knew today was your day to go into the stupid class-- 658 00:23:16,438 --> 00:23:19,482 I knew that-- do you think I would let you roll in with Dad?" 659 00:23:19,482 --> 00:23:21,359 (laughter) 660 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:22,902 And that made sense to Ila. 661 00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:26,280 She's like, "Yeah, he's not the heavy-lifting parent." 662 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,616 And I'm like, "Yeah, Ila, you're with me. 663 00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:30,034 There's nothing wrong." 664 00:23:30,034 --> 00:23:31,828 She goes, "Come on, let's go look at your class." 665 00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:33,120 So they go walk over to the class, 666 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,540 and all Ila's friends-- Lily, Dakota, Kylie-- 667 00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,083 they're all in the class. 668 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,876 And LeeAnn's like, "Hey, your friends are in there. 669 00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:40,044 Are your friends stupid?" 670 00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:42,171 And Ila's like, "No." She's like, 671 00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:44,131 "Then you get in line. You have a fantastic year." 672 00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:45,550 She comes walking over to me. 673 00:23:45,550 --> 00:23:47,760 I'm still by the fucking handball courts. 674 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,136 She comes walking over to me. 675 00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:50,596 And I am blown away. 676 00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:51,931 She comes up, she's like, "Hey." 677 00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:53,683 I go, "I did not parent that well." 678 00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:56,520 She's like, "No shit." 679 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,230 I go, "I thought she was in the fucking stupid class." 680 00:23:59,230 --> 00:24:01,816 LeeAnn's like, "She is." 681 00:24:01,816 --> 00:24:04,151 (laughter) 682 00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:06,237 (applause) 683 00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:07,947 "You were gonna tell her?" 684 00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:09,407 I go, "I was gonna tell her." 685 00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:11,200 She's like, "You belong in the fucking stupid class." 686 00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:15,162 Ila's getting-- Ila hates school. 687 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,039 She's getting-- i-in all fairness, 688 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:19,041 she's getting her ass handed to her daily. 689 00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,793 Like, it's bad. 690 00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:22,086 When you're dyslexic, it's tough. 691 00:24:22,086 --> 00:24:24,213 I dropped her off, like, probably two weeks ago, 692 00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,132 I go to give her a kiss on the cheek good-bye, 693 00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,551 she grabs my neck like she doesn't want me to go. 694 00:24:28,551 --> 00:24:31,846 And then whispers in my ear and goes, "Pick me up early." 695 00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:34,432 (laughter) 696 00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:36,809 I'm like, "Well, let me run that by Mom." 697 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:39,312 She goes, "Uh, hey, hold on. 698 00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:41,856 Do you have to run it by Mom?" 699 00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:43,024 And now she's in my head. 700 00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:44,568 I'm like, "Yeah, fuck that bitch." 701 00:24:44,568 --> 00:24:46,319 (laughter) 702 00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:47,862 "I make the calls around here. 703 00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:50,031 "If I want to pick you, I'll pick you up early. 704 00:24:50,031 --> 00:24:51,533 I go, "But, wait, 705 00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:52,867 what do you mean...? Like, what time?" 706 00:24:52,867 --> 00:24:55,661 She goes, "Listen, Mom's got therapy at noon. 707 00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:57,872 "She leaves, like, 11:15. If you show up at 11:30, 708 00:24:57,872 --> 00:24:59,415 "you got to pick me up anyway, 709 00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,708 she'll have no idea you got me early." 710 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:02,043 I go, "What would I say?" 711 00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,502 She goes, "Tell them I have a dentist appointment." 712 00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:06,172 I go, "How long have you been thinking about this?" 713 00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:08,007 She goes, "Dad, tell them I have a dentist appointment. 714 00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,300 I promise no one's gonna know." 715 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,719 I went, "Okay." 716 00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:14,597 I go home, I feel like I'm about to commit a bank robbery. 717 00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:16,849 I'm sitting on the couch, and LeeAnn just gets up. 718 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,809 She's like, "Oh, 11:15-- I got to go to therapy." 719 00:25:18,809 --> 00:25:21,354 I'm like, "Like fucking clockwork!" 720 00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:23,856 She leaves, I'm like, "Screw it, I'm picking her up early." 721 00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:25,066 I go into the office. 722 00:25:25,066 --> 00:25:26,525 I don't even have to say anything. 723 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,985 I walk in, they're like, "Are you Ila's daddy?" 724 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:29,487 I go, "I am." 725 00:25:29,487 --> 00:25:32,823 They're like, "Her tooth has been killing her all day." 726 00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:35,242 (laughter, applause) 727 00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:38,120 Ila comes out of the nurse's office, 728 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,873 ice pack on her cheek, eyes are like, "Start the car." 729 00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,292 (laughter) 730 00:25:44,752 --> 00:25:47,589 We get in the car, first things out of her mouth, 731 00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,882 "Ice cream and putt-putt. Let's do it, big guy." 732 00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:51,717 I was like, "Hey, you made the day. 733 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,427 Let's do it." 734 00:25:53,427 --> 00:25:54,887 (cheering, whooping) 735 00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:56,681 Yeah. 736 00:25:56,681 --> 00:26:00,226 It was a great-- it was a great day. 737 00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,353 I think the best part of the day was just having 738 00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:04,438 a lie that me and her knew 739 00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:06,357 and lying to my other daughter and my wife 740 00:26:06,357 --> 00:26:08,025 together as a team. 741 00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:09,193 (laughter) 742 00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:11,237 It was kind of like bonding. 743 00:26:11,237 --> 00:26:12,571 And I put her to bed that night, I go, 744 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:13,739 "Listen, if I ever cheat on your mom, 745 00:26:13,739 --> 00:26:16,701 I'm gonna need your help." 746 00:26:16,701 --> 00:26:18,953 I'm not cheating on my wife. 747 00:26:18,953 --> 00:26:21,664 I'm not cheating on my wife for numbers of reasons. 748 00:26:21,664 --> 00:26:23,874 This being one. 749 00:26:23,874 --> 00:26:26,293 (laughter) 750 00:26:27,545 --> 00:26:29,171 I don't even know... 751 00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:31,549 I don't even know if I'm doing it right. 752 00:26:31,549 --> 00:26:33,175 I've never had that, like, security 753 00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:34,677 that women have, you know? 754 00:26:34,677 --> 00:26:37,346 That like... there's a, there's a, like an air of con-- 755 00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:38,848 like, when it comes to sex, 756 00:26:38,848 --> 00:26:40,474 women just know they hit it out of the... 757 00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,101 Have you ever...? Is that your man right there, 758 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:43,602 young lady? 759 00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,438 Have you ever given him an orgasm? 760 00:26:45,438 --> 00:26:46,814 Look at her. 761 00:26:46,814 --> 00:26:48,482 She scoffs at me, like, rolls her eyes. 762 00:26:48,482 --> 00:26:50,568 Goes, "Yeah." 763 00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:52,696 Would you bet your life on it? 764 00:26:52,696 --> 00:26:54,656 She's like, "Uh, yeah." 765 00:26:54,656 --> 00:26:57,742 Would you bet your life on it? 766 00:26:57,742 --> 00:26:59,410 Look at him! He's like, "I don't know." 767 00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:01,370 (laughing) 768 00:27:01,370 --> 00:27:02,580 'Cause we don't know. 769 00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:03,956 You be... I'm telling you. 770 00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:06,751 It's, you know if you've done your job right, 771 00:27:06,751 --> 00:27:09,295 because there's proof. 772 00:27:09,295 --> 00:27:10,671 That happened, right there-- see that? 773 00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:12,048 There, got it. 774 00:27:12,048 --> 00:27:13,883 Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick. 775 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:16,510 Right there. 776 00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:18,804 But every time we have sex with you guys, 777 00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:20,682 it's like (blows air) Keyser Soze. 778 00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:22,433 Did that happen? I don't know. 779 00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,143 (laughter, applause) 780 00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:25,895 I'll put it-- I'll take it this far. 781 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:26,979 This guy right here. 782 00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:28,147 He's your boyfriend, right? 783 00:27:28,147 --> 00:27:29,815 Sir, be honest. 784 00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:31,317 If I said to you right now, 785 00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:33,652 "I will give you $15 million 786 00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:36,864 "tax-free if you can bring one person on this stage 787 00:27:36,864 --> 00:27:39,992 and give them an orgasm within 15 minutes." 788 00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:41,911 You think he's picking a chick? 789 00:27:41,911 --> 00:27:44,330 (laughter, applause) 790 00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,252 Fuck, no. 791 00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:51,420 Look at him. 792 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:52,714 He's already standing up. 793 00:27:52,714 --> 00:27:55,424 He's like, "I'll jack you off right now." 794 00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:56,634 (spits) Put in work. 795 00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:57,927 Let's go! 796 00:27:57,927 --> 00:28:00,054 Start the car. 797 00:28:00,054 --> 00:28:02,056 Time! 798 00:28:02,056 --> 00:28:04,809 You think he's gonna pick a chick? 799 00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:06,102 You think he's picking his chick? 800 00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:08,104 No way, too complicated. 801 00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:09,105 "I don't want to face the audience. 802 00:28:09,105 --> 00:28:10,981 "You face the audience. 803 00:28:10,981 --> 00:28:13,067 "Oh, my God, it's bright. They're all staring at me. 804 00:28:13,067 --> 00:28:14,485 "I don't-- I can hear people laughing. 805 00:28:14,485 --> 00:28:16,112 "They're making fun of... Just stop it. 806 00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:17,822 I'll just-- Don't worry. I'm sorry I messed this up." 807 00:28:17,822 --> 00:28:19,573 And he's definitely not picking another chick. 808 00:28:19,573 --> 00:28:22,243 You think he's gonna roll the dice on a brand-new chick? 809 00:28:22,243 --> 00:28:24,495 Try to figure that out with the clock running? 810 00:28:24,495 --> 00:28:25,913 Just... 811 00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:28,833 (laughter) 812 00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:31,127 Back and-- like, like this or...? 813 00:28:31,127 --> 00:28:34,463 Cinnabons? Cinnabons? Cinnab...? 814 00:28:34,463 --> 00:28:35,965 No, paint the fence, paint the fence, 815 00:28:35,965 --> 00:28:37,383 paint the fence, paint the fence, paint the fence. 816 00:28:37,383 --> 00:28:38,968 Paint the fence. What? What? 817 00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:40,386 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. 818 00:28:40,386 --> 00:28:42,680 What's...? Okay, the in, go-- You ever done that one? 819 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,265 You ever try the one where you go in the garage, 820 00:28:44,265 --> 00:28:45,683 but up where you keep the bikes? 821 00:28:45,683 --> 00:28:47,226 (laughter) 822 00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,477 You ever tried that? 823 00:28:48,477 --> 00:28:49,687 And you fiddle with the bikes? 824 00:28:49,687 --> 00:28:53,107 Come hither, bikes, come hither. 825 00:28:53,107 --> 00:28:56,318 I've fucked that one up. 826 00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:57,779 Tried it. 827 00:28:57,779 --> 00:28:59,738 Went right past the bikes. 828 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,532 Ended up in the attic. 829 00:29:01,532 --> 00:29:04,034 Just ripping out insulation like a raccoon. 830 00:29:04,034 --> 00:29:06,078 Just... (snorts, neighing) 831 00:29:06,078 --> 00:29:07,830 It was, it was so bad, 832 00:29:07,830 --> 00:29:09,915 the home owner had to come out and be like, 833 00:29:09,915 --> 00:29:11,625 "Everyone out of the fucking garage!" 834 00:29:11,625 --> 00:29:14,003 (laughter) 835 00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:21,093 Women are complicated. 836 00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:23,762 Just-just like their, the way they think. 837 00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,806 First time I had sex with my wife... 838 00:29:25,806 --> 00:29:28,017 We'd been dating a while, 839 00:29:28,017 --> 00:29:30,227 it's that beautiful moment-- I don't know. 840 00:29:30,227 --> 00:29:33,731 Uh, we've all felt it where you're making out on a couch, 841 00:29:33,731 --> 00:29:35,774 and then you undo the shirt and it-- 842 00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,318 and your heart skips a beat, and you're like, 843 00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:38,986 "Oh, God, this is happening. 844 00:29:38,986 --> 00:29:40,696 This is really happening to me." 845 00:29:40,696 --> 00:29:42,072 (stammers) 846 00:29:42,072 --> 00:29:43,825 I was head over heels for her, 847 00:29:43,825 --> 00:29:46,368 and the kissing, the shirt comes off... 848 00:29:46,368 --> 00:29:49,371 pant button comes off. 849 00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:50,832 She stops me, she goes, 850 00:29:50,832 --> 00:29:52,750 "There's something I need to tell you." 851 00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:55,544 I was like, "This bitch has herpes." 852 00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:57,796 And I start thinking about it in my head. 853 00:29:57,796 --> 00:29:59,298 Like... 854 00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:00,842 does it matter? 855 00:30:00,842 --> 00:30:02,259 (laughter) 856 00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:03,636 I mean, I'm 28. 857 00:30:03,636 --> 00:30:05,179 I made it this far. 858 00:30:05,179 --> 00:30:06,848 I think they got to have an outbreak. 859 00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:09,225 What are the odds it's the outbreak season? 860 00:30:09,225 --> 00:30:10,809 And if you wear a c-- I don't know. 861 00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:12,102 I don't even know, but if you wear a condom, 862 00:30:12,102 --> 00:30:13,812 does it...? I don't know, but... 863 00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:15,231 In my head, I'm like, "I wish I had paid 864 00:30:15,231 --> 00:30:17,859 more attention in health class." 865 00:30:17,859 --> 00:30:19,861 And my wife looks at me and goes, 866 00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:22,571 "I'm in debt." 867 00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:25,574 I was like, "I, I thought you had herpes." 868 00:30:25,574 --> 00:30:27,243 She goes, "No, why would I have herpes?" 869 00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,786 I go, "Why would you stop someone before they're 870 00:30:28,786 --> 00:30:30,496 about to have sex to tell them you're in debt?" 871 00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:32,248 She goes, "Because I thought we were getting serious." 872 00:30:32,248 --> 00:30:35,084 I go, "I'm trying to fuck you, not your bank account!" 873 00:30:35,084 --> 00:30:36,878 She goes, "No, if we're gonna have sex, 874 00:30:36,878 --> 00:30:38,420 "that means we're getting serious, and if we're 875 00:30:38,420 --> 00:30:41,006 "getting serious, you need to know I am $25,000 in debt. 876 00:30:41,006 --> 00:30:42,549 That hangs over my head." 877 00:30:42,549 --> 00:30:44,510 And I go, "Hey, I'm trying to fuck you, not Fannie Mae. 878 00:30:44,510 --> 00:30:46,512 All right? Let's do this." 879 00:30:46,512 --> 00:30:49,348 And we had sex that night and we fell in love 880 00:30:49,348 --> 00:30:51,058 and we got married and we had kids. 881 00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,268 And did you know when you get married, 882 00:30:52,268 --> 00:30:53,811 you accrue someone's debt? 883 00:30:53,811 --> 00:30:55,187 (laughter) 884 00:30:59,233 --> 00:31:02,904 I wish she had had herpes. 885 00:31:02,904 --> 00:31:04,655 What's crazy now is there's like a, 886 00:31:04,655 --> 00:31:06,323 like a thing in our relationship. 887 00:31:06,323 --> 00:31:07,783 I don't know that this happens to everyone, 888 00:31:07,783 --> 00:31:09,368 but, like, nowadays, 889 00:31:09,368 --> 00:31:12,663 we almost get more passionate talking about money 890 00:31:12,663 --> 00:31:14,290 than we do sex. 891 00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:15,791 Like, it's easier for us, like, 892 00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:17,293 we talk about adding onto our house, we're like, 893 00:31:17,293 --> 00:31:18,752 "Ooh, yeah, you want to...? 894 00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:20,838 "You want to open a bottle of wine maybe, huh? 895 00:31:20,838 --> 00:31:22,840 Talk about our brand-new bathroom, huh?" 896 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:24,550 (mumbles gibberish) 897 00:31:24,550 --> 00:31:27,052 And then you have sex, and it's just like, 898 00:31:27,052 --> 00:31:29,013 it's almost, I don't mean to, like, 899 00:31:29,013 --> 00:31:31,598 suck the romance out of it, but, like, I don't hit on her. 900 00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:34,268 I'm not gonna fucking hit on my wife. 901 00:31:34,268 --> 00:31:36,478 Get shot down by your wife? 902 00:31:36,478 --> 00:31:38,897 Do you know how humiliating that is? 903 00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:40,190 To be like, "Hey, what do you think...?" 904 00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:41,233 "Get the fuck off me." 905 00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:42,401 Okay, awesome. 906 00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:43,987 Now I feel like a human piece of garbage. 907 00:31:43,987 --> 00:31:46,280 Cool, I can't fuck anyone in the world, 908 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,365 especially not you, and that's-- oh, this is great. 909 00:31:48,365 --> 00:31:52,244 You ever try to pull out a brand-new move in the bedroom? 910 00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:54,079 (huffs) 911 00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:57,499 I tried to do reverse cowgirl. 912 00:31:57,499 --> 00:31:59,084 (laughter) 913 00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:01,045 I said to her in the middle of having sex, 914 00:32:01,045 --> 00:32:04,256 I go, "Hey, you want, you want to try reverse cowgirl?" 915 00:32:04,256 --> 00:32:06,717 She looks at me and she goes, "Where did we hear about this?" 916 00:32:06,717 --> 00:32:09,094 (laughter, clamoring) 917 00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:15,351 "Some of the fellas down by the basketball courts 918 00:32:15,351 --> 00:32:17,519 were talking about it." 919 00:32:17,519 --> 00:32:19,772 And then she just gets, like-- she's a very 920 00:32:19,772 --> 00:32:22,274 sweet woman, but she just gets like, 921 00:32:22,274 --> 00:32:23,942 like, "Fine, what is it? 922 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:26,236 Like, tell me what to do, tell me what to do." 923 00:32:26,236 --> 00:32:28,906 (stammers) Like, it's almost like we're lab partners. 924 00:32:28,906 --> 00:32:30,908 Like, "Fucking tell me. 925 00:32:30,908 --> 00:32:32,785 "Tell me what you want. I'll do it if that's what you're into." 926 00:32:32,785 --> 00:32:34,037 I'm like, "That's not what I'm into. 927 00:32:34,037 --> 00:32:35,162 "I'm just saying let's try it. 928 00:32:35,162 --> 00:32:36,705 Maybe we'll like it. I don't know." 929 00:32:36,705 --> 00:32:38,165 She's like, "No, just tell me what to do." 930 00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:39,291 I'm like, "Uh, okay." 931 00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:42,586 I've never seen this part of the porn. 932 00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:45,839 Where the guy walks her through it, like... 933 00:32:45,839 --> 00:32:48,092 Like, "Oh, you..." 934 00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:49,551 Like... 935 00:32:49,551 --> 00:32:53,138 "You-you, uh, face the other direction." 936 00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:55,724 She's like, "I face the wall?" 937 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,226 I was like, "Well, uh, or the camera. 938 00:32:57,226 --> 00:32:58,811 "I guess that is... 939 00:32:58,811 --> 00:33:00,396 "They'd face the camera at that point. 940 00:33:00,396 --> 00:33:02,147 "I don't know why they do that. I-I don't know. 941 00:33:02,147 --> 00:33:03,565 I've never done this, okay?" 942 00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:05,442 She, "No, tell me what to do, I'll do it." 943 00:33:05,442 --> 00:33:07,236 I go, "Well, you turn around." She's like, "And just 944 00:33:07,236 --> 00:33:09,196 look at the wall?" I go, "Yeah, look at the fuck... 945 00:33:09,196 --> 00:33:10,656 "They're your eyes, look at whatever you want 946 00:33:10,656 --> 00:33:12,074 to fucking look at." 947 00:33:12,074 --> 00:33:13,992 "Fine, if this is what you're into." 948 00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,120 Like, that's how you want to start a brand-new sex move. 949 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,539 "If this is what you're into." 950 00:33:24,253 --> 00:33:26,964 "Is th... 951 00:33:26,964 --> 00:33:29,174 is this right?" Like we're on a motorcycle. 952 00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:30,551 "Is this right?" 953 00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:32,177 "Yeah, I think..." "No, no, I mean, tell... 954 00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:33,846 "Do I hold on to your feet? That's not sexy. 955 00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:35,639 "Just looking at your feet. 956 00:33:35,639 --> 00:33:37,724 I'm just looking at your feet right now." I'm like, 957 00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:39,351 "You can look at whatever you want to." 958 00:33:39,351 --> 00:33:40,686 "Is it... Are you looking at my butthole? 959 00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:42,229 "Is that what you're looking at? 960 00:33:42,229 --> 00:33:45,274 "Does this turn you on to look at my butthole? 961 00:33:45,274 --> 00:33:47,943 "Okay, okay, I'm starting to feel disconnected. 962 00:33:47,943 --> 00:33:50,654 "I'm feeling very disconnected. I don't even... I feel... 963 00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:53,282 I'm feeling very disconnected." I'm like, "Can you just 964 00:33:53,282 --> 00:33:55,742 "not be the person I own a home with 965 00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:58,203 and be a whore for five minutes?" 966 00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:08,839 I mean, I-I make that sound bad, but don't... 967 00:34:08,839 --> 00:34:11,383 I mean, the alternative is what, I get, like, a young girlfriend? 968 00:34:11,383 --> 00:34:13,427 Fuck that. 969 00:34:13,427 --> 00:34:16,013 I can't. I'm not... I'm not shitting on young people. 970 00:34:16,013 --> 00:34:18,015 You guys look very young. 971 00:34:18,015 --> 00:34:22,269 I'm sure it's very fun to get naked with you and touch you. 972 00:34:22,269 --> 00:34:25,522 That part is not bad, it's the talking to you afterwards 973 00:34:25,522 --> 00:34:28,942 that would be... somewhat problematic. 974 00:34:28,942 --> 00:34:32,738 Like, I don't know, what... like, what would I s... 975 00:34:32,738 --> 00:34:35,199 What would I say to, like, a 22-year-old girl after sex? 976 00:34:35,199 --> 00:34:37,242 Like, "Hey, do you want to play on your iPad?" 977 00:34:37,242 --> 00:34:40,121 (laughter) 978 00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:42,873 "Oh, Snapchat's got some new apps, cool." 979 00:34:44,249 --> 00:34:46,335 I need a ride-or-die bitch. 980 00:34:46,335 --> 00:34:47,794 I need a woman. 981 00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,463 I need a woman with some flaws. 982 00:34:49,463 --> 00:34:53,217 And a woman with, like, like, uh, literally a kind of girl 983 00:34:53,217 --> 00:34:56,678 that'll blow you and book you a cardiologist appointment. 984 00:34:56,678 --> 00:34:59,515 Kind of woman that'll blow you despite a runny nose. 985 00:34:59,515 --> 00:35:02,434 Just... (grunting) 986 00:35:02,434 --> 00:35:05,103 That's a woman for you, right there. 987 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:07,731 Just taking one for the team. 988 00:35:07,731 --> 00:35:09,191 (laughter, scattered cheers) 989 00:35:09,191 --> 00:35:10,776 (louder cheering) 990 00:35:10,776 --> 00:35:13,195 Yeah. 991 00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:20,077 Kind of woman that'll fart during sex. 992 00:35:20,077 --> 00:35:22,163 Yeah, my wife will fart during sex. 993 00:35:22,163 --> 00:35:23,580 She's had two kids. 994 00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:26,833 She's not rocking the original rims and tires, okay? 995 00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:28,210 Two kids? 996 00:35:28,210 --> 00:35:30,587 She's riding dirty on 22s, just... 997 00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,756 ♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪ 998 00:35:32,756 --> 00:35:34,007 (panting) 999 00:35:34,007 --> 00:35:36,426 ♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪ 1000 00:35:36,426 --> 00:35:38,011 (panting) 1001 00:35:38,011 --> 00:35:39,680 ♪ Flip it in action, zip it in the bud ♪ 1002 00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,183 ♪ Never relaxin', outlast is everlastin' ♪ 1003 00:35:42,183 --> 00:35:43,684 ♪ Uprisin', up-uprisin' ♪ 1004 00:35:43,684 --> 00:35:45,686 ♪ Up-up-up, there goes an eargasm. ♪ 1005 00:35:45,686 --> 00:35:47,479 (laughter) 1006 00:35:47,479 --> 00:35:49,898 It's true. 1007 00:35:49,898 --> 00:35:53,443 Ladies, I hate to say this. 1008 00:35:53,443 --> 00:35:56,113 But after 40, vaginas start aging exponentially. 1009 00:35:56,113 --> 00:35:57,489 (laughs) 1010 00:35:57,489 --> 00:35:59,616 -Like dog years, just... -(women groaning) 1011 00:35:59,616 --> 00:36:01,159 Not that-- No, listen, not... it's not just you. 1012 00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:02,286 It's all of us. 1013 00:36:02,286 --> 00:36:04,079 I mean, men, once we get 40, 1014 00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:06,915 our dick starts doing this Benjamin Buttons thing, 1015 00:36:06,915 --> 00:36:08,834 where it looks younger and younger. 1016 00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:10,794 Like I think our bodies get bigger 1017 00:36:10,794 --> 00:36:12,504 and our dick stays the same size. 1018 00:36:12,504 --> 00:36:14,548 It looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city. 1019 00:36:14,548 --> 00:36:18,552 Like, "Hell no, we won't go!" 1020 00:36:18,552 --> 00:36:20,304 I get naked now-- and that's love. 1021 00:36:20,304 --> 00:36:21,597 When your wife sees you naked 1022 00:36:21,597 --> 00:36:23,265 when your dick's the smallest it's ever been, 1023 00:36:23,265 --> 00:36:25,309 like right after you get out of the gym, 1024 00:36:25,309 --> 00:36:28,812 and she just sees it and goes, "Aw, little guy. 1025 00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:30,522 "Look at that little-- 1026 00:36:30,522 --> 00:36:32,983 can I flick him?" 1027 00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:36,361 It just changes. 1028 00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:37,529 I'm cool with it changing. 1029 00:36:37,529 --> 00:36:38,572 I'm just saying, like, 1030 00:36:38,572 --> 00:36:41,491 I mean... 1031 00:36:41,491 --> 00:36:44,161 a little bit of upkeep, ladies, like... 1032 00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:46,121 It's like... 1033 00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:49,124 I mean, I remember when my-- I met my wife's vagina. 1034 00:36:49,124 --> 00:36:51,710 I remember it distinct-- it was beautiful. 1035 00:36:51,710 --> 00:36:53,920 It was like there was curb appeal. 1036 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,339 (laughter) 1037 00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:58,091 You know, like, it was waxed and shined 1038 00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:00,677 and buffed and fluffed. 1039 00:37:00,677 --> 00:37:02,346 Fluffed! Flu... 1040 00:37:02,346 --> 00:37:04,848 With, with those laced thong panties 1041 00:37:04,848 --> 00:37:07,267 that you could take off with a pinky, just... 1042 00:37:07,267 --> 00:37:08,769 (whooshes) 1043 00:37:08,769 --> 00:37:10,812 And when you did, it was like you unleashed a princess. 1044 00:37:10,812 --> 00:37:13,231 Just... (humming) 1045 00:37:18,654 --> 00:37:20,197 I saw it the other day. 1046 00:37:20,197 --> 00:37:21,573 Ooh. 1047 00:37:21,573 --> 00:37:23,992 (laughter) 1048 00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:32,084 It was after drop-off. 1049 00:37:32,084 --> 00:37:36,046 I had to pull off those big comfort cotton panties. 1050 00:37:36,046 --> 00:37:37,714 The ones that don't give you a yeast infection. 1051 00:37:37,714 --> 00:37:39,300 You know those ones? You're just... 1052 00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:41,343 (groaning) 1053 00:37:41,343 --> 00:37:43,887 All the hair's matted down. 1054 00:37:43,887 --> 00:37:47,099 Looks like the crazy cat lady's house. 1055 00:37:47,099 --> 00:37:49,810 And it's just staring at you like... 1056 00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:53,480 "Hey, my man! 1057 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,441 "Young blood! 1058 00:37:56,441 --> 00:37:58,819 Young blood, can I get a cigarette?" 1059 00:37:58,819 --> 00:38:01,238 (laughter) 1060 00:38:07,327 --> 00:38:09,413 She farts. 1061 00:38:09,413 --> 00:38:11,206 (laughter) 1062 00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:14,376 Not, like, for money, but, just, it happens. 1063 00:38:14,376 --> 00:38:15,669 Not all the ti... 1064 00:38:15,669 --> 00:38:17,045 (stammers) Not all the time, 1065 00:38:17,045 --> 00:38:18,547 but I wouldn't bet against it. 1066 00:38:18,547 --> 00:38:21,800 (laughs) I'd take the over. 1067 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,552 But that's part of marriage. 1068 00:38:23,552 --> 00:38:25,595 That's part of marriage is that you-- 1069 00:38:25,595 --> 00:38:27,889 that is part of love is when you accept a person for their flaws. 1070 00:38:27,889 --> 00:38:29,891 And, like, that, and that's when you know you're a man. 1071 00:38:29,891 --> 00:38:31,810 When your woman farts during sex, 1072 00:38:31,810 --> 00:38:33,311 'cause you move her over too quickly 1073 00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:34,813 and she just farts. 1074 00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,149 And you don't say a fucking word. 1075 00:38:37,149 --> 00:38:38,608 And you go, "I didn't hear it. 1076 00:38:38,608 --> 00:38:40,652 I love you." 1077 00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:41,862 She's like, "I didn't hear it, either. 1078 00:38:41,862 --> 00:38:43,488 I love you." 1079 00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:45,824 The dog's up on the bed: "Are we farting?" 1080 00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:48,535 (laughter) 1081 00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:50,912 I'll take it this far. I'll take it this far. 1082 00:38:50,912 --> 00:38:52,789 My wife's farted during oral sex. 1083 00:38:52,789 --> 00:38:55,292 (audience groaning) 1084 00:38:55,292 --> 00:38:57,085 You know what they call that? 1085 00:38:57,085 --> 00:38:59,129 Commitment. 1086 00:38:59,129 --> 00:39:01,590 When you take one on the chin for the team? 1087 00:39:01,590 --> 00:39:03,341 Just... (honks) 1088 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:04,634 You're like... "What the fuck?" 1089 00:39:04,634 --> 00:39:07,220 (retching) 1090 00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:13,685 You didn't know you had one in the chamber? 1091 00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:15,145 (laughter) 1092 00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:16,563 No, you got to warn me. 1093 00:39:16,563 --> 00:39:18,648 I'm still down here. 1094 00:39:18,648 --> 00:39:22,569 No, you could've shit in my mouth. 1095 00:39:22,569 --> 00:39:24,196 No, I have a beard. 1096 00:39:24,196 --> 00:39:26,782 It's still in here. 1097 00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:28,575 And then she starts crying. 1098 00:39:28,575 --> 00:39:30,535 I go, "What the fuck are you crying about?" 1099 00:39:30,535 --> 00:39:32,454 (laughter) 1100 00:39:32,454 --> 00:39:34,581 "I'm the one in the hurt locker." 1101 00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:37,918 She's like, "You're gonna talk about this onstage." 1102 00:39:37,918 --> 00:39:39,252 (chuckles) 1103 00:39:39,252 --> 00:39:41,004 "You're fucking right I am." 1104 00:39:41,004 --> 00:39:42,756 (applause) 1105 00:39:42,756 --> 00:39:43,840 Yeah. 1106 00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:47,469 In all fairness, 1107 00:39:47,469 --> 00:39:50,055 I didn't bring it up until the second time it happened. 1108 00:39:50,055 --> 00:39:52,182 I was like, "Fuck it-- if it happened to me twice, 1109 00:39:52,182 --> 00:39:53,850 it's had to have happened to somebody else." 1110 00:39:53,850 --> 00:39:55,936 I can't be the only one out here going, "Really? 1111 00:39:55,936 --> 00:39:58,605 No one else has-- catches one on the button?" 1112 00:39:58,605 --> 00:40:01,399 (cheering, whooping) 1113 00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:03,109 That's marriage. 1114 00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:05,403 She go-- My wife's a gr-- 1115 00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,864 My wife's a fantastic woman. She really is. 1116 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:10,325 She's the kind of person, like, I couldn't, I couldn't, 1117 00:40:10,325 --> 00:40:11,660 I couldn't raise these kids. 1118 00:40:11,660 --> 00:40:13,537 She, like, researches good schools. 1119 00:40:13,537 --> 00:40:15,080 She researched a school one time. 1120 00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,499 She goes, "Uh, it's a great school. 1121 00:40:16,499 --> 00:40:17,624 There are a lot of Koreans." 1122 00:40:17,624 --> 00:40:18,959 I went, "Okay." 1123 00:40:18,959 --> 00:40:20,252 (laughter) 1124 00:40:20,252 --> 00:40:22,295 We show up, it's 98% Korean. 1125 00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:23,922 Now, no, listen. 1126 00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:25,173 I'm just a regular person. 1127 00:40:25,173 --> 00:40:26,675 I'm not-- I have no hate 1128 00:40:26,675 --> 00:40:28,635 in my heart for anyone whatsoever, 1129 00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:30,513 but I'm a real motherfucker. 1130 00:40:30,513 --> 00:40:33,516 I walk in a room with 400 Korean families 1131 00:40:33,516 --> 00:40:35,559 and five white families and a black family 1132 00:40:35,559 --> 00:40:36,977 hiding in the corner, I just walked in 1133 00:40:36,977 --> 00:40:39,020 and I was like, "What the fuck is this?" 1134 00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:41,273 (laughter) 1135 00:40:41,273 --> 00:40:42,691 And my wife's like, "What?" 1136 00:40:42,691 --> 00:40:44,901 I go, "What do you mean 'what,' like..." 1137 00:40:44,901 --> 00:40:48,238 (laughter) 1138 00:40:48,238 --> 00:40:49,781 She goes, "What?" 1139 00:40:49,781 --> 00:40:52,742 I go, "The fucking Tae Kwon Do tournament going on in here. 1140 00:40:52,742 --> 00:40:54,035 "You don't see this? 1141 00:40:54,035 --> 00:40:56,037 You know, am I the only one that sees this?" 1142 00:40:56,037 --> 00:40:58,665 She's like, "Babe, I said there was gonna be a lot of Koreans." 1143 00:40:58,665 --> 00:41:00,834 I'm like, "Bitch, a lot of Koreans is seven." 1144 00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:02,586 (laughter) 1145 00:41:02,586 --> 00:41:03,504 "This is a dickload. 1146 00:41:03,504 --> 00:41:05,506 "This is a boatload. 1147 00:41:05,506 --> 00:41:07,299 "You should've said, 'Do you want to go to North Korea?' 1148 00:41:07,299 --> 00:41:09,301 'Cause that's where we are right now." 1149 00:41:09,301 --> 00:41:11,261 She goes, "Maybe if you get to know some of the parents, 1150 00:41:11,261 --> 00:41:13,054 you won't have a problem with it." 1151 00:41:13,054 --> 00:41:14,431 So I go over to the white and black people 1152 00:41:14,431 --> 00:41:15,682 hiding in the corner like, "I'm here. 1153 00:41:15,682 --> 00:41:16,892 What are we gonna do?" 1154 00:41:16,892 --> 00:41:19,185 (laughter) 1155 00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:22,397 Thank God there was a black woman there to keep shit real. 1156 00:41:22,397 --> 00:41:24,816 First words out of her mouth: 1157 00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:27,485 "You see all these motherfucking Koreans?" 1158 00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:30,363 I just met my best friend. 1159 00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:31,948 (laughter) 1160 00:41:31,948 --> 00:41:33,408 It is a beautiful moment 1161 00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:34,951 when a black woman and a white man 1162 00:41:34,951 --> 00:41:37,203 can commit a hate crime together. 1163 00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,372 (laughter, applause) 1164 00:41:41,124 --> 00:41:43,752 Sandy is her name, and we start talking. 1165 00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:45,879 Then a white woman comes over and screws it up. 1166 00:41:45,879 --> 00:41:47,964 Just comes over and goes, "What do you guys have?" 1167 00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:49,049 Sandy leans into me and she goes, 1168 00:41:49,049 --> 00:41:50,216 "We're about to have the bird flu 1169 00:41:50,216 --> 00:41:52,636 if we don't leave this bitch." 1170 00:41:52,636 --> 00:41:54,804 The lady goes, "What?" 1171 00:41:54,804 --> 00:41:56,014 And Sandy just looks at me 1172 00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:57,057 and goes, "They're your people. 1173 00:41:57,057 --> 00:41:58,308 You handle this." 1174 00:41:58,308 --> 00:42:00,477 (laughter) 1175 00:42:00,477 --> 00:42:03,313 I go, "I, uh, I have girls." 1176 00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:04,565 She goes, "Oh, that's so great. 1177 00:42:04,565 --> 00:42:05,732 What are their names?" 1178 00:42:05,732 --> 00:42:06,983 I said, "Georgia and Ila." 1179 00:42:06,983 --> 00:42:09,069 She goes, "Oh, I have a boy." 1180 00:42:09,069 --> 00:42:11,572 I was like, "Cool." 1181 00:42:11,572 --> 00:42:14,783 She's like, "Don't you want to know his name?" 1182 00:42:14,783 --> 00:42:16,826 (laughs) I'm like, "Not at all." 1183 00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:19,371 She goes, "His name's John Henry." 1184 00:42:19,371 --> 00:42:22,123 And I start laughing hysterically, 1185 00:42:22,123 --> 00:42:24,585 'cause that's what I call my dick. 1186 00:42:24,585 --> 00:42:26,753 (laughter) 1187 00:42:26,753 --> 00:42:28,213 I just never met a John Henry before. 1188 00:42:28,213 --> 00:42:29,714 I'm like, "Are you serious?!" 1189 00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:31,383 She's like, "Do you know a John Henry?" 1190 00:42:31,383 --> 00:42:33,176 I'm like, "Hell yeah! 1191 00:42:33,176 --> 00:42:36,012 Really good. He's like my best friend." 1192 00:42:36,012 --> 00:42:37,472 And I start talking to these women. 1193 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,349 for the whole orientation 1194 00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:41,309 surreptitiously about my junk. 1195 00:42:41,309 --> 00:42:43,478 About my buddy John Henry, 1196 00:42:43,478 --> 00:42:45,648 who lives down south and... 1197 00:42:45,648 --> 00:42:49,234 is bald. 1198 00:42:49,234 --> 00:42:51,027 Until my wife gets done at her pai gow tournament 1199 00:42:51,027 --> 00:42:52,529 and comes over to us. 1200 00:42:52,529 --> 00:42:56,199 (laughter) 1201 00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:59,452 Was like, "What are you guys laughing about?" 1202 00:42:59,452 --> 00:43:01,079 And this woman's like, "You're never gonna believe this. 1203 00:43:01,079 --> 00:43:03,123 My son's name is John Henry." 1204 00:43:03,123 --> 00:43:05,041 My wife's like, "Oh, that's what he calls his dick!" 1205 00:43:05,041 --> 00:43:06,668 (laughter) 1206 00:43:06,668 --> 00:43:09,129 (scattered clapping) 1207 00:43:09,129 --> 00:43:11,798 Sandy falls out laughing. 1208 00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:14,134 And I watch this woman realize 1209 00:43:14,134 --> 00:43:17,595 all the stories I've been telling her. 1210 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,557 About how John Henry has two roommates. 1211 00:43:20,557 --> 00:43:23,268 (laughter) 1212 00:43:23,268 --> 00:43:25,520 How their next-door neighbor's an asshole. 1213 00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:30,358 (laughter) 1214 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:31,484 How he tells everyone he's six foot, 1215 00:43:31,484 --> 00:43:32,695 but he's really five-seven. 1216 00:43:32,695 --> 00:43:35,071 (laughter) 1217 00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:38,908 I thought it was funny. 1218 00:43:44,414 --> 00:43:45,999 I think what I find's funny, 1219 00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:48,209 I don't think other people find funny. 1220 00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:50,713 Like, like, no, like, I have, I have like a, 1221 00:43:50,713 --> 00:43:52,547 like a disturbed sense of humor sometimes. 1222 00:43:52,547 --> 00:43:54,966 Like, I-I checked into this hotel room one time 1223 00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:56,926 in Cincinnati and, uh, 1224 00:43:56,926 --> 00:43:58,553 I had, like, five bags with me, 1225 00:43:58,553 --> 00:44:00,096 'cause I was on the road doing Travel Channel stuff 1226 00:44:00,096 --> 00:44:02,557 and doing stand-up, so I had five bags with me. 1227 00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:05,769 This bellman-- a tall, young, skinny black kid. 1228 00:44:05,769 --> 00:44:07,312 "Oh, why's he got to be black, Bert?" 1229 00:44:07,312 --> 00:44:08,938 'Cause he fucking was. 1230 00:44:08,938 --> 00:44:10,440 (laughter) 1231 00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:12,442 (laughing): He comes... 1232 00:44:12,442 --> 00:44:14,652 he comes... 1233 00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:16,738 he comes over, he grabs all my bags, 1234 00:44:16,738 --> 00:44:18,031 puts them on a cart, checks me in, 1235 00:44:18,031 --> 00:44:19,700 takes me into the elevator. 1236 00:44:19,700 --> 00:44:21,576 And in the elevator, he goes, "Man, you got a lot of bags. 1237 00:44:21,576 --> 00:44:22,952 What do you do for a living?" 1238 00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:24,162 I go, "I'm a comedian." 1239 00:44:24,162 --> 00:44:27,082 He goes, "You put all your gags in these bags?" 1240 00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:29,250 (laughter) 1241 00:44:29,250 --> 00:44:30,752 Immediately, I'm horrified, 1242 00:44:30,752 --> 00:44:33,671 'cause I think he thinks I'm a prop comic. 1243 00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,590 And so I'm trying to think of a joke-- 1244 00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:37,383 the whole ride in the elevator, I'm trying to think of a joke 1245 00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,511 to make this kid laugh, but I can't think of anything. 1246 00:44:39,511 --> 00:44:41,096 We get up to our floor, door opens, 1247 00:44:41,096 --> 00:44:43,807 and as soon as it opens, the door next to us opens 1248 00:44:43,807 --> 00:44:46,976 and, uh, an older white guy walks out. 1249 00:44:46,976 --> 00:44:49,104 Like maybe 67 years old-- bam. 1250 00:44:49,104 --> 00:44:52,524 And he walks out just behind us, and as we walk down the hallway, 1251 00:44:52,524 --> 00:44:53,983 he walks right behind us. 1252 00:44:53,983 --> 00:44:55,527 Kids pushing, I'm walking, 1253 00:44:55,527 --> 00:44:57,487 this kid's, this guy's right here five feet behind us. 1254 00:44:57,487 --> 00:44:58,488 As we walk-- bam. 1255 00:44:58,488 --> 00:44:59,697 We take a left, he takes a left. 1256 00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,366 We take a right, he takes a right. 1257 00:45:01,366 --> 00:45:03,118 He's keeping pace with us. You want to be like, 1258 00:45:03,118 --> 00:45:05,620 "Hey, asshole, just fake tie your shoe for a little bit. 1259 00:45:05,620 --> 00:45:08,248 "Or jog past us, but you're creeping us out, 1260 00:45:08,248 --> 00:45:09,999 George Zimmerman." 1261 00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,001 So... 1262 00:45:13,336 --> 00:45:16,005 Finally we get to the very end of the hall. 1263 00:45:16,005 --> 00:45:18,466 My door is the last door on the left. 1264 00:45:18,466 --> 00:45:20,301 And it turns out, the old man's room 1265 00:45:20,301 --> 00:45:21,970 is right next to mine. 1266 00:45:21,970 --> 00:45:23,513 Now, it's been uncomfortable. 1267 00:45:23,513 --> 00:45:25,223 I haven't made this kid laugh yet. 1268 00:45:25,223 --> 00:45:26,767 So, as a joke, as the guy opens, 1269 00:45:26,767 --> 00:45:28,309 goes to open his door, I lean over and I go, 1270 00:45:28,309 --> 00:45:30,395 "Hey, man, if you want, we can open up 1271 00:45:30,395 --> 00:45:33,273 the connecting door and we can hang out this weekend." 1272 00:45:33,273 --> 00:45:36,025 He was not ready for that. 1273 00:45:36,025 --> 00:45:38,153 And now he can't get his key to work. 1274 00:45:38,153 --> 00:45:41,406 He's like... 1275 00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:43,908 "Uh... no, thank you. 1276 00:45:43,908 --> 00:45:45,994 No, I'm-I'm good." 1277 00:45:45,994 --> 00:45:47,788 And I said, "No, think about it. 1278 00:45:47,788 --> 00:45:50,957 "When was the last time you made a new friend? 1279 00:45:50,957 --> 00:45:52,835 "We'll talk each other to sleep at night. 1280 00:45:52,835 --> 00:45:54,252 "Wake each other up in the morning. 1281 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,840 I got towels, you got towels, you know." 1282 00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,632 He gets his door open and he goes, 1283 00:45:59,632 --> 00:46:01,301 "I don't think I want that to happen." 1284 00:46:01,301 --> 00:46:03,887 But before he can close it, I stop and I go, "Listen. 1285 00:46:03,887 --> 00:46:05,263 "If you change your mind, 1286 00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:07,056 just knock and scratch." 1287 00:46:07,056 --> 00:46:09,684 (laughter) 1288 00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:12,437 He looks at me, dead serious, he goes, 1289 00:46:12,437 --> 00:46:14,480 "I-I probably won't be doing that." 1290 00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:16,691 I look over to the kid to see if I made the kid laugh, 1291 00:46:16,691 --> 00:46:18,819 he's not, he's already in the room. 1292 00:46:18,819 --> 00:46:21,613 I did the joke for nobody. 1293 00:46:21,613 --> 00:46:23,448 (laughter) 1294 00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:25,116 I literally walk in the room. 1295 00:46:25,116 --> 00:46:26,827 And he's not even, like, putting the bags up. 1296 00:46:26,827 --> 00:46:29,537 I'm not being... but he's just dumping them on the fl-- 1297 00:46:29,537 --> 00:46:31,080 Like, flipping them onto the floor. 1298 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:32,957 And now I'm like, "I got to tip him." 1299 00:46:32,957 --> 00:46:34,709 But I don't know how much to tip him. 1300 00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:36,211 Normally I tip five bucks for a bag, 1301 00:46:36,211 --> 00:46:37,754 but it's five bags, that's 25 bucks. 1302 00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:40,089 He just put them on a cart, but here's the problem. 1303 00:46:40,089 --> 00:46:41,842 I'm doing the math in my head in front of him. 1304 00:46:41,842 --> 00:46:43,927 I'm going, "Oh, it's 25 bucks... 1305 00:46:43,927 --> 00:46:46,889 Lot of money for just flipping them on the thing..." 1306 00:46:46,889 --> 00:46:49,015 The kid sees me doing this and he goes, 1307 00:46:49,015 --> 00:46:50,808 "Sir, you don't have to give me anything." 1308 00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:52,060 I said, "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 1309 00:46:52,060 --> 00:46:53,311 "I got to give you something. 1310 00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:54,562 You brought them all the way up." 1311 00:46:54,562 --> 00:46:56,773 He goes, "No, that's what I got hired to do 1312 00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:58,191 "was to take your bags from your car to your room. 1313 00:46:58,191 --> 00:46:59,651 "That's what I get paid for. 1314 00:46:59,651 --> 00:47:00,903 You don't have to give me anything." 1315 00:47:00,903 --> 00:47:02,570 I go, "No, but you brought them all the way up. 1316 00:47:02,570 --> 00:47:03,905 I got to give you something." 1317 00:47:03,905 --> 00:47:05,114 And he goes, "No, you don't. 1318 00:47:05,114 --> 00:47:06,699 Just knock and scratch." 1319 00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:09,244 (laughter) 1320 00:47:09,244 --> 00:47:11,079 I'm like... 1321 00:47:11,079 --> 00:47:13,498 "Seriously?" 1322 00:47:13,498 --> 00:47:16,084 He's like, "Dead serious." 1323 00:47:16,084 --> 00:47:19,545 So, me and this kid go up to the door. 1324 00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:22,590 (laughter) 1325 00:47:23,884 --> 00:47:26,511 And I knock and I scratch. 1326 00:47:26,511 --> 00:47:29,097 And you hear the old man go, 1327 00:47:29,097 --> 00:47:32,267 "I don't want to fucking hang out!" 1328 00:47:32,267 --> 00:47:33,351 Oh, my God! 1329 00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,353 (applause, whooping) 1330 00:47:35,353 --> 00:47:39,607 I thought this kid was gonna laugh himself to death. 1331 00:47:42,443 --> 00:47:44,737 He literally was doubled over like, 1332 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:46,572 "Do it again! Do it again!" 1333 00:47:46,572 --> 00:47:48,449 Best part of the story is, 1334 00:47:48,449 --> 00:47:51,452 he goes down and Googles me 1335 00:47:51,452 --> 00:47:54,330 and shows me to every black dude who works in the hotel. 1336 00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:56,708 So for the whole weekend, any time I walk down there, 1337 00:47:56,708 --> 00:47:58,459 they're like, "Oh, knock-scratch motherfucker." 1338 00:47:58,459 --> 00:48:00,586 (laughter) 1339 00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:04,132 "Knock, scratch, man. I'm gonna, I'll answer the door!" 1340 00:48:11,556 --> 00:48:13,725 I fought a bear one time. 1341 00:48:13,725 --> 00:48:14,976 (applause, cheering) 1342 00:48:14,976 --> 00:48:16,394 Yeah. 1343 00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:18,104 Uh, I used to have a show on FX 1344 00:48:18,104 --> 00:48:21,024 called Hurt Bert, where I took dangerous men's jobs. 1345 00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:22,025 It was a TV show. 1346 00:48:22,025 --> 00:48:24,527 It was back in 2002, I think. 1347 00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:26,487 Uh... 1348 00:48:26,487 --> 00:48:29,782 I-I was a dominatrix gimp, I was an MMA fighter, 1349 00:48:29,782 --> 00:48:31,909 I was a rodeo clown, I was a football player, 1350 00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:34,078 I was a stunt pilot, I swam with great white sharks 1351 00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:36,331 out of the cage, and one day they called me up, 1352 00:48:36,331 --> 00:48:38,082 they're like, "Hey, do you want to fight a bear?" 1353 00:48:38,082 --> 00:48:39,792 I was like, "Who does that for a living?" 1354 00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:42,128 And they're like, "You do on Thursday." 1355 00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:44,005 I show up. 1356 00:48:44,005 --> 00:48:46,174 It is a nine-foot grizzly bear. 1357 00:48:46,174 --> 00:48:47,800 Just sitting on a park bench 1358 00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:50,470 as dumb as you think a bear would look, just... 1359 00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:52,889 (laughter) 1360 00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:58,394 So, I go up to the bear. 1361 00:48:58,394 --> 00:49:00,938 I'm, like, 28 years old, probably. 1362 00:49:00,938 --> 00:49:03,483 I go up to the bear and I stick my hand out 1363 00:49:03,483 --> 00:49:05,401 in front of his snout so he can get my scent. 1364 00:49:05,401 --> 00:49:07,779 The trainer sees us and he goes, "What are you doing?" 1365 00:49:07,779 --> 00:49:10,239 I go, "I'm letting him get my scent." 1366 00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:12,700 And he goes, "Hey, buddy, this is a grizzly bear, 1367 00:49:12,700 --> 00:49:14,911 not a labradoodle, okay?" 1368 00:49:14,911 --> 00:49:17,163 He goes, "We have protocol." 1369 00:49:17,163 --> 00:49:18,498 I go, "What's that?" 1370 00:49:18,498 --> 00:49:19,874 And he pulls me over to the side, 1371 00:49:19,874 --> 00:49:21,876 and he hands me five marshmallows. 1372 00:49:21,876 --> 00:49:24,003 He goes, "When the bear's not looking, take a marshmallow, 1373 00:49:24,003 --> 00:49:26,672 "put it in your mouth, then nonchalantly, 1374 00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:29,675 "walk in front of the bear like huh, 1375 00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:32,887 show him the marshmallow like huh..." 1376 00:49:34,347 --> 00:49:37,266 "...and allow him the opportunity to engage you 1377 00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,727 "and take the marshmallow out of your mouth with his mouth. 1378 00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,479 This way he'll learn to trust you." 1379 00:49:41,479 --> 00:49:44,524 And I was like, "Fuck that. 1380 00:49:44,524 --> 00:49:46,734 "Who thought of this-- the bear? 1381 00:49:46,734 --> 00:49:49,487 Is this the bear's idea?" 1382 00:49:49,487 --> 00:49:51,114 And the guy just looks me down, he goes, 1383 00:49:51,114 --> 00:49:53,157 "Hey, this is how we do it." 1384 00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:55,035 My whole crew's behind him like, 1385 00:49:55,035 --> 00:49:57,245 ♪ This is how we do it ♪ 1386 00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:59,872 ♪ This is how we do it. ♪ 1387 00:49:59,872 --> 00:50:02,250 So I don't know any better. I'm 28 years old. 1388 00:50:02,250 --> 00:50:03,626 I go behind the bear. 1389 00:50:03,626 --> 00:50:05,670 I take a marshmallow, I put it in my mouth. 1390 00:50:05,670 --> 00:50:07,588 I walk in front of him like a street hooker. 1391 00:50:07,588 --> 00:50:09,632 Like, "Huh. 1392 00:50:09,632 --> 00:50:11,884 "Huh? Huh? 1393 00:50:11,884 --> 00:50:15,430 Huh, huh!" 1394 00:50:15,430 --> 00:50:18,100 The bear sees the marshmallow and lights up just like... 1395 00:50:18,100 --> 00:50:19,767 (roaring) 1396 00:50:19,767 --> 00:50:22,728 And I'm going... (crying) 1397 00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:25,273 He rushes me with the grace of a frat boy at 5:00 a.m. 1398 00:50:25,273 --> 00:50:28,734 and tongues it out of my mouth. 1399 00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:31,487 Bears never brush their teeth. 1400 00:50:31,487 --> 00:50:35,158 I'm making out with a homeless person five times in a row. 1401 00:50:35,158 --> 00:50:37,201 Just... (retching) 1402 00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:38,703 (grunting) 1403 00:50:38,703 --> 00:50:40,204 (retching) 1404 00:50:40,204 --> 00:50:41,414 I get done. 1405 00:50:41,414 --> 00:50:42,582 The trainer goes, "Fantastic. 1406 00:50:42,582 --> 00:50:44,084 We're ready." 1407 00:50:44,084 --> 00:50:45,668 I go, "Hold on, I haven't learned anything." 1408 00:50:45,668 --> 00:50:47,044 He goes, "What, are you kidding me? 1409 00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:48,130 You learned the most important lesson." 1410 00:50:48,130 --> 00:50:49,589 I go, "What's that?" And he goes, 1411 00:50:49,589 --> 00:50:50,965 "The bear likes marshmallows." 1412 00:50:50,965 --> 00:50:52,300 (laughter) 1413 00:50:52,300 --> 00:50:53,843 I go, "What good's that do me?" 1414 00:50:53,843 --> 00:50:55,845 And he goes, "Listen, if you get in trouble, 1415 00:50:55,845 --> 00:50:57,805 "just stand your ground, look the bear in the face, 1416 00:50:57,805 --> 00:51:01,642 "and just go, 'Marshmallow.' 1417 00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,769 "And he'll know you're gonna do your marshmallow trick, 1418 00:51:03,769 --> 00:51:06,689 "so he'll give you some space, but more importantly, 1419 00:51:06,689 --> 00:51:08,441 "we'll hear you say that and we'll know you're in trouble, 1420 00:51:08,441 --> 00:51:09,901 "so we'll get you out of there. We'll take the bear. 1421 00:51:09,901 --> 00:51:11,235 We'll, we'll split it up." 1422 00:51:11,235 --> 00:51:13,821 I go, "Yeah, but he thinks they're inside me." 1423 00:51:13,821 --> 00:51:15,740 (laughter) 1424 00:51:15,740 --> 00:51:17,450 "What if he's like, 'Don't worry, I'll get them,' 1425 00:51:17,450 --> 00:51:19,410 and just... rips me open?" 1426 00:51:19,410 --> 00:51:21,037 He goes, "You'll be fine. Let's go!" 1427 00:51:21,037 --> 00:51:23,956 And I swear to God the bear is smiling. 1428 00:51:23,956 --> 00:51:26,083 Just, "Oh, I know how to get marshmallows 1429 00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:27,793 "around here, bitch. 1430 00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:29,629 I got to tap you out." 1431 00:51:29,629 --> 00:51:33,216 Rushes me, grabs me by both ears, 1432 00:51:33,216 --> 00:51:35,551 lifts me off the ground and starts rag-dolling me 1433 00:51:35,551 --> 00:51:37,678 and growling. (roaring) 1434 00:51:37,678 --> 00:51:40,515 I'm going, "Marshmallow! Marshmallow!" 1435 00:51:40,515 --> 00:51:42,517 But no one can hear me 'cause there's 1436 00:51:42,517 --> 00:51:45,895 a nine-foot grizzly bear going... (roaring) 1437 00:51:45,895 --> 00:51:47,563 All of a sudden he drops me, 1438 00:51:47,563 --> 00:51:50,316 grabs me by the hip, spins me doggy-style, 1439 00:51:50,316 --> 00:51:52,318 locks in, in a bear hug, 1440 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:55,197 and starts grinding on my ass. 1441 00:51:55,197 --> 00:51:57,532 Now we're both facing the crew and the trainer. 1442 00:51:57,532 --> 00:52:00,326 I'm going, "Fucking marshmallow! 1443 00:52:00,326 --> 00:52:02,620 "Marshmallow, mar-- Get me the fuck out of here! 1444 00:52:02,620 --> 00:52:05,039 Marshmallow!" 1445 00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:07,250 Everyone's laughing, except for the trainer, 1446 00:52:07,250 --> 00:52:09,210 who has a look of panic. 1447 00:52:09,210 --> 00:52:12,088 He jumps in our eye line and goes, "Go limp!" 1448 00:52:12,088 --> 00:52:13,464 I'm like... 1449 00:52:15,424 --> 00:52:17,635 Please be talking to me right now. 1450 00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:19,345 And not the b... 1451 00:52:19,345 --> 00:52:21,681 Is there a bear cock climbing up my jeans? 1452 00:52:21,681 --> 00:52:23,599 About to split center seam just... 1453 00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:26,769 "Marshmallow!" 1454 00:52:26,769 --> 00:52:28,396 So I go limp. 1455 00:52:28,396 --> 00:52:30,773 Now it looks like I'm getting date-raped by a bear just... 1456 00:52:30,773 --> 00:52:33,317 (grunting) 1457 00:52:33,317 --> 00:52:35,695 I slide out of his grip 1458 00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:37,280 and that's the last thing I remember. 1459 00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:39,156 Because apparently his instincts took over 1460 00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:42,076 and he sat on my face. 1461 00:52:42,076 --> 00:52:44,370 And the best way to get bear balls out of your mouth 1462 00:52:44,370 --> 00:52:46,206 isn't by saying "Marshmallow." 1463 00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:48,332 (laughter) 1464 00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:50,167 My wife, my wife, 1465 00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:52,503 who I'd known maybe three months, 1466 00:52:52,503 --> 00:52:55,047 I had invited her to the set to impress her. 1467 00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:56,674 (laughter) 1468 00:52:56,674 --> 00:52:59,510 My wife's a redneck, like a legit redneck. 1469 00:52:59,510 --> 00:53:01,762 Like... like hard-co-- 1470 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:04,473 like her parents met on AncestryMingle.com. 1471 00:53:04,473 --> 00:53:06,017 Like... 1472 00:53:08,144 --> 00:53:09,937 When she talks, you smell biscuits. 1473 00:53:09,937 --> 00:53:12,023 Like... 1474 00:53:12,023 --> 00:53:14,025 She-- my point is she's not afraid of big animals. 1475 00:53:14,025 --> 00:53:15,985 She just goes over, grabs the marshmallow out of the bag, 1476 00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:17,820 puts it in her mouth, stands by my feet 1477 00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,905 and goes, "Huh!" 1478 00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:21,741 The bear then takes his balls 1479 00:53:21,741 --> 00:53:23,701 out of my mouth, 1480 00:53:23,701 --> 00:53:25,786 goes over to her, the-- he takes the marshmallow 1481 00:53:25,786 --> 00:53:27,371 out of her mouth, they take my wife one way, 1482 00:53:27,371 --> 00:53:29,582 the bear the other way, they drag me under a tree, 1483 00:53:29,582 --> 00:53:31,751 and that's where I wake up. 1484 00:53:31,751 --> 00:53:34,378 Under a tree in the lap of my producer Tim Scott, 1485 00:53:34,378 --> 00:53:37,548 who's from like the upper top of Minnesota. 1486 00:53:37,548 --> 00:53:40,426 Real dry, still had a flattop. 1487 00:53:40,426 --> 00:53:42,595 Cherubic face. 1488 00:53:42,595 --> 00:53:44,889 I open my eyes, I see him and I go, 1489 00:53:44,889 --> 00:53:46,432 "What happened?" 1490 00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,892 He's like, "Well... 1491 00:53:47,892 --> 00:53:50,394 uh, you got raped and tea-bagged by a bear." 1492 00:53:50,394 --> 00:53:52,897 (laughter) 1493 00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:58,527 "You might want to get tested." 1494 00:53:58,527 --> 00:53:59,904 He's like, "But that, 1495 00:53:59,904 --> 00:54:01,323 "that girl, that LeeAnn girl, she, 1496 00:54:01,323 --> 00:54:03,949 I think she saved your life." 1497 00:54:03,949 --> 00:54:06,535 And my wife comes over at that moment like it's in a movie. 1498 00:54:06,535 --> 00:54:07,828 Like, my wife just comes walking over. 1499 00:54:07,828 --> 00:54:09,121 Her body's blocking the sun. 1500 00:54:09,121 --> 00:54:10,873 All I see is, like, an orb around her. 1501 00:54:10,873 --> 00:54:12,917 And she leans in, and as she does, 1502 00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:15,336 you can see the sun running through her hair. 1503 00:54:15,336 --> 00:54:19,299 Like, she just looks me in the eye, she goes, "Are you okay?" 1504 00:54:19,299 --> 00:54:21,550 And I looked up at her at that moment, 1505 00:54:21,550 --> 00:54:24,136 and we all know that moment when you know without a doubt, 1506 00:54:24,136 --> 00:54:25,930 that's the moment, and I know you're like, 1507 00:54:25,930 --> 00:54:27,473 "Really? That's when you knew?" 1508 00:54:27,473 --> 00:54:30,059 Oh, fuck it, this is my narrative, okay? 1509 00:54:30,059 --> 00:54:31,560 I looked up at her from the ground and saw her 1510 00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:33,771 with the halo from the Lord himself, 1511 00:54:33,771 --> 00:54:35,481 and knew without a doubt 1512 00:54:35,481 --> 00:54:36,899 I would never do that for her. 1513 00:54:36,899 --> 00:54:38,651 (laughter) 1514 00:54:39,694 --> 00:54:42,113 Still wouldn't. 1515 00:54:43,948 --> 00:54:45,908 When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian Mafia. 1516 00:54:45,908 --> 00:54:47,034 Here's how it happened. 1517 00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:49,662 (cheering, whooping) 1518 00:54:51,706 --> 00:54:53,499 I went to school at Florida State. 1519 00:54:53,499 --> 00:54:55,209 I was not a very good student. 1520 00:54:55,209 --> 00:54:58,129 I was there, uh, like, seven years? 1521 00:54:58,129 --> 00:55:01,341 I was there... in most of the '90s. 1522 00:55:01,341 --> 00:55:04,385 I... I was in college longer than grunge music was around. 1523 00:55:04,385 --> 00:55:08,222 (laughing) 1524 00:55:08,222 --> 00:55:11,225 (man whoops) 1525 00:55:11,225 --> 00:55:12,935 So... 1526 00:55:12,935 --> 00:55:14,687 (laughs) 1527 00:55:14,687 --> 00:55:17,982 So... this is how bad of a student I was. 1528 00:55:17,982 --> 00:55:20,317 One time, I signed up for a Russian class 1529 00:55:20,317 --> 00:55:22,153 thinking it was Spanish. 1530 00:55:22,153 --> 00:55:24,488 And it took three classes before I realized, 1531 00:55:24,488 --> 00:55:26,699 "I don't think this is Spanish." 1532 00:55:26,699 --> 00:55:28,409 (chuckles) 1533 00:55:28,409 --> 00:55:29,535 So I got up to leave. 1534 00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:30,786 The teacher, who was hot. 1535 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:33,038 He definitely worked out. 1536 00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:34,457 I'm kidding, I don't... 1537 00:55:34,457 --> 00:55:36,125 It was a girl. It was a girl. 1538 00:55:36,125 --> 00:55:37,918 And she was hot. She still is hot. 1539 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:40,463 She stopped me. She goes, "Don't go anywhere. 1540 00:55:40,463 --> 00:55:41,922 "I need 14 kids to teach this class. 1541 00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:43,340 "You're the 14th. 1542 00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:45,634 "I need to teach this class in order to get my masters, 1543 00:55:45,634 --> 00:55:49,138 "so... if you sit back down, 1544 00:55:49,138 --> 00:55:50,556 "you don't have to do anything all semester 1545 00:55:50,556 --> 00:55:52,308 and I'll just give you a 'C.'" 1546 00:55:52,308 --> 00:55:53,393 I was like, "Uh... 1547 00:55:53,393 --> 00:55:55,186 Zdravstvuyte, bitches, I'm back!" 1548 00:55:55,186 --> 00:55:56,729 (laughter) 1549 00:55:56,729 --> 00:55:59,231 So I took Russian one, two, three and four. 1550 00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:01,734 Never learned a word. 1551 00:56:01,734 --> 00:56:03,235 Think about what I'm saying. 1552 00:56:03,235 --> 00:56:04,779 I took two years of a language. 1553 00:56:04,779 --> 00:56:08,449 Two-- four semesters of my college career. 1554 00:56:08,449 --> 00:56:09,867 Four-four semesters. 1555 00:56:09,867 --> 00:56:13,496 Russian four was taught in Russian. 1556 00:56:13,496 --> 00:56:15,623 Do you have any idea what it's like 1557 00:56:15,623 --> 00:56:17,249 to go to a class and sit there 1558 00:56:17,249 --> 00:56:18,584 like an immigrant at the DMV all day? 1559 00:56:18,584 --> 00:56:19,710 Like... 1560 00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:22,129 (laughter, applause) 1561 00:56:28,052 --> 00:56:30,095 The end of Russian four, same teacher pulls me aside. 1562 00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:31,431 She's like, "We're taking a trip to Russia. 1563 00:56:31,431 --> 00:56:33,015 If you go, you'll get a minor." 1564 00:56:33,015 --> 00:56:35,976 I was like, "Okay, hold on. 1565 00:56:35,976 --> 00:56:37,686 "You know, 1566 00:56:37,686 --> 00:56:40,648 "I can't really speak, read, write 1567 00:56:40,648 --> 00:56:42,483 or understand the language, right?" 1568 00:56:42,483 --> 00:56:45,194 She's like, "I'm fucking well aware of that." 1569 00:56:45,194 --> 00:56:47,655 (laughter) 1570 00:56:47,655 --> 00:56:49,114 You got to remember 1571 00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:52,535 I was taking tests in a language 1572 00:56:52,535 --> 00:56:55,412 with which I was unfamiliar with their alphabet. 1573 00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:57,499 (laughter) 1574 00:56:57,499 --> 00:57:00,084 Do you have any idea what it's like to take a test 1575 00:57:00,084 --> 00:57:03,629 and make up hieroglyphics? 1576 00:57:03,629 --> 00:57:07,466 And the answer is star, circle, hashtag, shoe. 1577 00:57:07,466 --> 00:57:09,885 (laughter, scattered clapping) 1578 00:57:13,514 --> 00:57:15,432 She goes, "It doesn't matter. 1579 00:57:15,432 --> 00:57:16,892 "We need kids to make this trip happen. 1580 00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:18,727 "And if you go with all the classes you've taken, 1581 00:57:18,727 --> 00:57:21,564 and the ones you will take, you-you will get a minor." 1582 00:57:21,564 --> 00:57:24,441 And I was like, "That's all you had to say. 1583 00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:26,902 Let's go to Russia and fuck some minors." 1584 00:57:26,902 --> 00:57:30,072 (laughter) 1585 00:57:30,072 --> 00:57:31,782 It's a different-- it was a different minor, 1586 00:57:31,782 --> 00:57:33,242 obviously. 1587 00:57:33,242 --> 00:57:36,704 Learned that the hard way. 1588 00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:40,165 So, we went to Russia in 1995. 1589 00:57:40,165 --> 00:57:42,042 This is when the mob ran everything, 1590 00:57:42,042 --> 00:57:43,669 and they told us that our very first night. 1591 00:57:43,669 --> 00:57:45,087 They sat the whole class down. 1592 00:57:45,087 --> 00:57:46,755 They're like, "Listen, we have paid off 1593 00:57:46,755 --> 00:57:49,091 "the Mafia to keep you safe. 1594 00:57:49,091 --> 00:57:52,011 In exchange for our money, they give us two young gangsters." 1595 00:57:52,011 --> 00:57:54,889 I'm in the room like, "This trip just got fucking awesome." 1596 00:57:54,889 --> 00:57:58,100 The word for gangster in Russian is bandity. 1597 00:57:58,100 --> 00:57:59,894 They go, "These bandity are gonna live with us. 1598 00:57:59,894 --> 00:58:01,186 "They're gonna walk you to class. 1599 00:58:01,186 --> 00:58:02,438 "They're gonna walk you back from class. 1600 00:58:02,438 --> 00:58:03,606 "They're gonna take you on field trips, 1601 00:58:03,606 --> 00:58:04,732 "walk you back from field trips. 1602 00:58:04,732 --> 00:58:06,400 "Do not speak to them. 1603 00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,193 "They're in the Mafia. 1604 00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,820 "Do not look at them, 1605 00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:11,572 do not engage them, do not interact with them." 1606 00:58:11,572 --> 00:58:14,533 I was like, "Well, they're gonna be my best fucking friends." 1607 00:58:14,533 --> 00:58:16,535 So, the first night I grab a bottle of vodka 1608 00:58:16,535 --> 00:58:18,162 and a six pack of Baltika, which is their local beer, 1609 00:58:18,162 --> 00:58:19,163 and I planned a sentence. 1610 00:58:19,163 --> 00:58:20,456 I was gonna say... 1611 00:58:20,456 --> 00:58:23,083 (speaking Russian) 1612 00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,713 (moaning) 1613 00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:32,384 Does anyone speak Russian in here? 1614 00:58:32,384 --> 00:58:33,928 -(audience muttering) -WOMAN: No. 1615 00:58:33,928 --> 00:58:35,888 I love that someone says, "No." 1616 00:58:35,888 --> 00:58:37,681 "No. 1617 00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:41,143 I did a head count earlier, it doesn't look like it." 1618 00:58:41,143 --> 00:58:43,145 I'll tell you what this sentence says. 1619 00:58:43,145 --> 00:58:44,146 It's a badass sentence. 1620 00:58:44,146 --> 00:58:45,397 I worked all day on it. 1621 00:58:45,397 --> 00:58:46,523 "Hello. 1622 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:47,524 "My name's Bert. 1623 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:48,859 "It's very nice to meet you. 1624 00:58:48,859 --> 00:58:49,860 "I work... 1625 00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:52,279 (singsongy): pussy." 1626 00:58:52,279 --> 00:58:53,489 Kind of. 1627 00:58:53,489 --> 00:58:55,950 It really means I work with cats. 1628 00:58:55,950 --> 00:58:58,911 I didn't know the fucking language, what do you expect? 1629 00:58:58,911 --> 00:59:01,205 Uh, it doesn't matter, 'cause the second the door opens 1630 00:59:01,205 --> 00:59:03,874 and I'm face-to-face with a real Russian gangster 1631 00:59:03,874 --> 00:59:06,085 with the wife beater and the tattoos with the track pants 1632 00:59:06,085 --> 00:59:09,338 and the cigarette... and he just stares me up and down. 1633 00:59:09,338 --> 00:59:11,006 A frat boy from Florida State. 1634 00:59:11,006 --> 00:59:14,551 I was wearing a fanny pack. 1635 00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:15,928 He just looks at me and goes... 1636 00:59:15,928 --> 00:59:17,388 (speaks Russian) 1637 00:59:17,388 --> 00:59:19,181 I fucking panicked, and everything I had planned 1638 00:59:19,181 --> 00:59:21,600 on saying flooded out of my head, and all I said to him 1639 00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:23,143 in Russian, in his doorway, was, 1640 00:59:23,143 --> 00:59:26,355 "I am The Machine." 1641 00:59:26,355 --> 00:59:27,523 And he started laughing. 1642 00:59:27,523 --> 00:59:29,233 He goes, "What did you say?" 1643 00:59:29,233 --> 00:59:32,027 I was like, "I'm The Machine!" 1644 00:59:32,027 --> 00:59:34,530 He grabs me and he goes, "Come in and tell my friends." 1645 00:59:34,530 --> 00:59:36,073 Brings me in a room full of nine 1646 00:59:36,073 --> 00:59:37,282 Russian gangsters drinking 1647 00:59:37,282 --> 00:59:39,952 and smoking and just goes, "Stop! 1648 00:59:39,952 --> 00:59:42,871 Tell them what you said." 1649 00:59:42,871 --> 00:59:44,373 Now I'm like, "Fuck it. 1650 00:59:44,373 --> 00:59:47,376 I'm The Machine!" 1651 00:59:47,376 --> 00:59:49,294 They looked at each other, looked at me, and they're like, 1652 00:59:49,294 --> 00:59:52,464 "Fuck it. He's The Machine!" 1653 00:59:52,464 --> 00:59:57,302 And I became The Machine and these guys loved me. 1654 00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:59,304 Yes. 1655 01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:03,017 You... you got to realize, though. 1656 01:00:03,017 --> 01:00:05,853 The reason they loved me is I went shot for shot with them 1657 01:00:05,853 --> 01:00:07,771 that night, all night long 1658 01:00:07,771 --> 01:00:09,398 until, like, 4:00 in the morning. 1659 01:00:09,398 --> 01:00:11,025 But all I knew how to say in their language was, 1660 01:00:11,025 --> 01:00:12,901 "I'm The Machine!" 1661 01:00:12,901 --> 01:00:15,446 And "I fuck cats." 1662 01:00:20,075 --> 01:00:23,037 So... we did everything together. 1663 01:00:23,037 --> 01:00:24,955 We, uh, like, the guy that answered the door, 1664 01:00:24,955 --> 01:00:26,790 his name was Igor. He was like my best friend. 1665 01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:27,791 We did everything together. 1666 01:00:27,791 --> 01:00:29,209 We ran a pool hall scam. 1667 01:00:29,209 --> 01:00:30,670 We stole a boat. 1668 01:00:30,670 --> 01:00:34,298 It was literally the best summer of my life. 1669 01:00:34,298 --> 01:00:37,176 And then one day the whole class is taking a trip to Moscow. 1670 01:00:37,176 --> 01:00:38,927 It's an overnight train trip and I say to Igor, 1671 01:00:38,927 --> 01:00:40,929 I go, "This is gonna be a blast. We got to be in the same cabin." 1672 01:00:40,929 --> 01:00:42,931 And he goes, "I can't go." 1673 01:00:42,931 --> 01:00:44,349 I said, "Why not?" 1674 01:00:44,349 --> 01:00:45,934 And he goes, "Different Mafia runs train, 1675 01:00:45,934 --> 01:00:47,227 different Mafia runs Moscow." 1676 01:00:47,227 --> 01:00:48,312 I said, "Whoa, whoa, hold on. 1677 01:00:48,312 --> 01:00:49,731 What's that mean for me?" 1678 01:00:49,731 --> 01:00:51,065 And he goes, "Don't worry. 1679 01:00:51,065 --> 01:00:52,066 "I set up bandity. 1680 01:00:52,066 --> 01:00:53,275 "I tell them about you. 1681 01:00:53,275 --> 01:00:54,694 They'll take care of you." 1682 01:00:54,694 --> 01:00:56,111 Sure enough, we get to the train station 1683 01:00:56,111 --> 01:00:57,404 and he introduces me 1684 01:00:57,404 --> 01:01:00,157 to my two new gangsters, Igor and Igor. 1685 01:01:03,285 --> 01:01:06,121 And he says to them, he goes, "Guys, this is The Machine. 1686 01:01:06,121 --> 01:01:09,416 If you give The Machine vodka, you'll have a great time." 1687 01:01:09,416 --> 01:01:11,168 The bigger of the two Igors looks like 1688 01:01:11,168 --> 01:01:12,169 a kid on Christmas. 1689 01:01:12,169 --> 01:01:13,378 He's like, "Oh, I can't wait 1690 01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:15,422 to play with The Machine." 1691 01:01:15,422 --> 01:01:17,633 He grabs me and he goes, "The Machine doesn't sit in coach. 1692 01:01:17,633 --> 01:01:19,468 The Machine sits in first class with us." 1693 01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:23,222 I'm like, "That's what I'm fucking talking about." 1694 01:01:23,222 --> 01:01:25,641 We go to first class and it is pimped out with booze, food-- 1695 01:01:25,641 --> 01:01:27,267 and here's the real gangster part-- 1696 01:01:27,267 --> 01:01:29,686 the second the train takes off out of the station, 1697 01:01:29,686 --> 01:01:32,356 everyone that works in the train comes in to pay their respects. 1698 01:01:32,356 --> 01:01:35,025 The conductor walked in. 1699 01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:37,820 Rips off the stars and stripes to his shirt, 1700 01:01:37,820 --> 01:01:39,238 places them on my lap, and goes, 1701 01:01:39,238 --> 01:01:41,490 "This is a present for The Machine." 1702 01:01:43,450 --> 01:01:47,913 "It would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with The Machine." 1703 01:01:47,913 --> 01:01:51,125 I'm 22 years old thinking, "Huh, these Machine stories 1704 01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:52,794 might have gotten out of control." 1705 01:01:56,004 --> 01:01:58,465 We drank all the booze in an hour and big Igor stands up 1706 01:01:58,465 --> 01:02:00,802 and he goes, "Machine, we go to the bar cart to get more vodka." 1707 01:02:00,802 --> 01:02:02,386 I'm like, "Fuck it. I'm in the mob, 1708 01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:04,638 I'll do whatever the fuck I want." 1709 01:02:04,638 --> 01:02:06,682 We roll into the bar cart like a big dick 1710 01:02:06,682 --> 01:02:08,267 in a locker room, just... (hisses) 1711 01:02:08,267 --> 01:02:11,645 Not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it. 1712 01:02:11,645 --> 01:02:14,106 Just smack. You know the look, 1713 01:02:14,106 --> 01:02:15,440 where everyone looks and like, "Oh, shit. 1714 01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:17,401 "Okay. 1715 01:02:17,401 --> 01:02:21,905 Whoa, someone's here. Okay, all right." 1716 01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:24,199 Igor looks at me 1717 01:02:24,199 --> 01:02:25,617 and in Russian he says, 1718 01:02:25,617 --> 01:02:27,369 "Machine, go behind the bar and grab bread." 1719 01:02:27,369 --> 01:02:30,164 In Russian. In Russian. 1720 01:02:30,164 --> 01:02:32,416 And I understood him. 1721 01:02:32,416 --> 01:02:35,335 For a second I'm like, "I'm fucking learning." 1722 01:02:36,962 --> 01:02:39,131 I'm learning the language my way, 1723 01:02:39,131 --> 01:02:41,049 not through flash cards and textbooks, 1724 01:02:41,049 --> 01:02:44,011 but by joining the Mafia. 1725 01:02:44,011 --> 01:02:46,848 I get behind the bar, I'm like, "Igor! I know what you said!" 1726 01:02:46,848 --> 01:02:49,099 He's like, "Good for you, Machine. 1727 01:02:49,099 --> 01:02:50,726 Can The Machine find cheese?" 1728 01:02:50,726 --> 01:02:53,353 And I was like, "Syr. Cheese! I got it." 1729 01:02:53,353 --> 01:02:55,189 "Give me another one." And he's like, "Grab vodka." 1730 01:02:55,189 --> 01:02:56,398 I was like, "I already know that one. 1731 01:02:56,398 --> 01:02:57,649 Give me another one." 1732 01:02:57,649 --> 01:02:58,650 He's like, "Grab the money." 1733 01:02:58,650 --> 01:03:01,570 I'm like, "Huh?" 1734 01:03:01,570 --> 01:03:03,405 He goes, "Grab the fucking money." 1735 01:03:03,405 --> 01:03:04,740 And I realize in that instant, 1736 01:03:04,740 --> 01:03:08,202 uh, we're robbing the bar cart... 1737 01:03:08,202 --> 01:03:11,831 and I'm the one doing it, Hooked on Phonics style. 1738 01:03:15,667 --> 01:03:18,670 I grab the money, walk out, two of my classmates see me 1739 01:03:18,670 --> 01:03:21,632 and they're like, "You're in so much trouble." 1740 01:03:21,632 --> 01:03:24,801 Go back to our first class cabin and within five minutes 1741 01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:27,930 the head chaperone of this train trip, not the whole trip, 1742 01:03:27,930 --> 01:03:30,850 just this train trip, she was an English teacher 1743 01:03:30,850 --> 01:03:32,809 who did not speak Russian, 1744 01:03:32,809 --> 01:03:35,062 who hated me... 1745 01:03:35,062 --> 01:03:38,523 before I robbed the train. 1746 01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:40,651 She comes over to our first class cabin 1747 01:03:40,651 --> 01:03:42,277 and swings the door open with that, like, 1748 01:03:42,277 --> 01:03:43,570 liberal arts confidence. 1749 01:03:43,570 --> 01:03:44,655 Just... 1750 01:03:47,991 --> 01:03:51,119 "This shit is over. 1751 01:03:51,119 --> 01:03:52,412 "You're done. You're done. 1752 01:03:52,412 --> 01:03:53,580 "Stand up right now. 1753 01:03:53,580 --> 01:03:55,207 "You-you stand up. 1754 01:03:55,207 --> 01:03:57,125 "Stand... how dare... how... you're done. 1755 01:03:57,125 --> 01:03:58,335 Stand up!" 1756 01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,128 And big Igor looks at me confused, 1757 01:04:00,128 --> 01:04:04,007 then smiles, takes a big sip of vodka, spits it in her eyes, 1758 01:04:04,007 --> 01:04:06,843 and goes, "No one talks to The Machine like that." 1759 01:04:09,096 --> 01:04:10,931 Shuts the door in her face and he goes, 1760 01:04:10,931 --> 01:04:13,642 "Fuck that bitch. This is Russia." 1761 01:04:17,396 --> 01:04:19,273 "No..." 1762 01:04:19,273 --> 01:04:22,526 "Don't worry, Machine, when it gets dark we have good time." 1763 01:04:22,526 --> 01:04:25,112 I'm like, "What the fuck are we doing when it gets dark?!" 1764 01:04:26,154 --> 01:04:27,322 Reaches into his pocket, 1765 01:04:27,322 --> 01:04:28,448 pulls out a ring of keys, 1766 01:04:28,448 --> 01:04:29,741 and he goes, "We're robbing 1767 01:04:29,741 --> 01:04:31,576 the whole fucking train." 1768 01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:38,083 I'm a good person. 1769 01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:39,710 I don't cheat... I don't cheat... This is why... 1770 01:04:39,710 --> 01:04:41,461 L-Let me tell you. I don't cheat on my wife. 1771 01:04:41,461 --> 01:04:43,380 I don't cheat on my wife because one morning our whole family 1772 01:04:43,380 --> 01:04:46,425 was in bed-- the dogs, the cats, the girls, my wife-- 1773 01:04:46,425 --> 01:04:48,135 and we were just giggling and it was pure. 1774 01:04:48,135 --> 01:04:50,053 It was perfect, and I don't... I thought to myself, 1775 01:04:50,053 --> 01:04:51,263 "I don't ever want to screw this up. 1776 01:04:51,263 --> 01:04:52,264 "This is the most important thing. 1777 01:04:52,264 --> 01:04:54,141 This is what life's about." 1778 01:04:54,141 --> 01:04:56,018 And they got up to make chop-- chocolate chip pancakes, 1779 01:04:56,018 --> 01:04:58,478 and I laid in bed and I said, "I will never cheat on my wife." 1780 01:04:58,478 --> 01:04:59,855 I had a conversation with myself. 1781 01:04:59,855 --> 01:05:01,440 I said, "If I ever get into a situation 1782 01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:03,066 "where a hot girl is flirting with me, 1783 01:05:03,066 --> 01:05:04,443 "or I think she's flirting with me, 1784 01:05:04,443 --> 01:05:06,570 "and it seems like it could go further, 1785 01:05:06,570 --> 01:05:08,530 I'm just gonna cock-block myself." 1786 01:05:08,530 --> 01:05:10,907 I'm just gonna look her in the face in front of everyone 1787 01:05:10,907 --> 01:05:13,493 and go, "I don't cheat on my wife!" 1788 01:05:13,493 --> 01:05:14,661 Now, I may be wrong. 1789 01:05:14,661 --> 01:05:17,414 She may not be hitting on me. 1790 01:05:17,414 --> 01:05:19,499 She may throw a drink in my face, slap me, 1791 01:05:19,499 --> 01:05:20,584 or I may be right. 1792 01:05:20,584 --> 01:05:22,127 I-- none of that matters to me. 1793 01:05:22,127 --> 01:05:23,879 What matters to me is that I don't cheat on my wife 1794 01:05:23,879 --> 01:05:25,589 because I've already had that conversation. 1795 01:05:25,589 --> 01:05:27,257 Here's the problem. 1796 01:05:27,257 --> 01:05:30,970 I never had that conversation about robbing trains. 1797 01:05:30,970 --> 01:05:32,512 So, when presented the opportunity, 1798 01:05:32,512 --> 01:05:33,930 I thought I'd be like, "Not me. 1799 01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:36,016 I'm gonna go back and work on my verbs." 1800 01:05:38,101 --> 01:05:40,520 But apparently, when presented the opportunity, 1801 01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:42,147 I'm the guy that's like, "Fuck it. 1802 01:05:42,147 --> 01:05:43,273 Let's start with my class." 1803 01:05:44,316 --> 01:05:45,942 So, we robbed 1804 01:05:45,942 --> 01:05:48,779 them first... while they slept 1805 01:05:48,779 --> 01:05:50,614 if that makes it better... 1806 01:05:50,614 --> 01:05:52,908 and then we robbed the whole train. 1807 01:05:52,908 --> 01:05:54,743 And if it's any consolation, we robbed me, too. 1808 01:05:54,743 --> 01:05:57,412 My bag was with them. 1809 01:05:57,412 --> 01:05:59,247 And then we drank all night long. 1810 01:05:59,247 --> 01:06:01,958 All night long... like, literally, 1811 01:06:01,958 --> 01:06:03,543 until 6:00 in the morning. 1812 01:06:03,543 --> 01:06:05,087 Top five drunkest I've ever been without throwing up 1813 01:06:05,087 --> 01:06:06,088 in my entire life. 1814 01:06:06,088 --> 01:06:07,589 We pull into Moscow at 6:00 a.m. 1815 01:06:07,589 --> 01:06:08,840 I am piss drunk. 1816 01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:10,425 You ever been so drunk, you're like, 1817 01:06:10,425 --> 01:06:13,220 "I know I got to piss but I can't find my dick"? 1818 01:06:13,220 --> 01:06:14,721 Train stops. 1819 01:06:14,721 --> 01:06:16,139 Sun's up. 1820 01:06:16,139 --> 01:06:17,224 I'm hammered. 1821 01:06:17,224 --> 01:06:18,558 Door opens. 1822 01:06:18,558 --> 01:06:21,895 Same teacher, not mad. 1823 01:06:21,895 --> 01:06:24,398 Curious, right? 1824 01:06:24,398 --> 01:06:26,858 She looks me in the eyes smiling and goes, "I want to be the one 1825 01:06:26,858 --> 01:06:29,152 to tell you they've alerted the police." 1826 01:06:29,152 --> 01:06:32,322 And I look out and on the platform my whole class 1827 01:06:32,322 --> 01:06:34,491 is standing there with a cop, talking. 1828 01:06:34,491 --> 01:06:35,742 They're upset. They've been robbed. 1829 01:06:35,742 --> 01:06:36,952 I get it. 1830 01:06:40,622 --> 01:06:43,792 Apparently they'd never heard snitches get stitches. 1831 01:06:45,502 --> 01:06:47,254 Big Igor sees this and is completely unfazed. 1832 01:06:47,254 --> 01:06:48,255 He's like... (scoffs) 1833 01:06:48,255 --> 01:06:49,423 "Don't worry. 1834 01:06:49,423 --> 01:06:51,591 I talk to police for both of us." 1835 01:06:51,591 --> 01:06:53,635 I was like, "Oh, thank God." 1836 01:06:53,635 --> 01:06:55,470 He cracks a bottle of vodka. 1837 01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:58,140 I'm like, eh, I wouldn't bring that out to an officer, maybe. 1838 01:06:58,140 --> 01:07:00,350 Lights a cigarette, walks out to the cop... 1839 01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,936 who's taking a statement. 1840 01:07:02,936 --> 01:07:04,729 The cop is taking a statement. 1841 01:07:04,729 --> 01:07:07,232 Igor walks up behind him, grabs him by the arm, 1842 01:07:07,232 --> 01:07:11,194 spins him around and goes, "Fuck you! 1843 01:07:11,194 --> 01:07:14,030 "We fuck you in the mouth! 1844 01:07:14,030 --> 01:07:16,575 We fuck you in the ass! We..." 1845 01:07:16,575 --> 01:07:19,327 I'm like, "Stop with the fucking 'we' shit!" 1846 01:07:19,327 --> 01:07:21,955 Now the cop is just staring at me and I hear him bark out... 1847 01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:23,874 (speaks Russian) 1848 01:07:23,874 --> 01:07:25,542 ...which I don't even know what that means, 1849 01:07:25,542 --> 01:07:29,629 but it doesn't sound like, "You're okay. Stay there." 1850 01:07:29,629 --> 01:07:30,881 It is a come-to-Jesus moment 1851 01:07:30,881 --> 01:07:32,507 where you know you've fucked up. 1852 01:07:32,507 --> 01:07:35,218 All I thought as I walked to the cop, 1853 01:07:35,218 --> 01:07:38,638 who's standing in front of the class I just robbed, 1854 01:07:38,638 --> 01:07:40,390 next to the gangster I robbed them with, 1855 01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:43,393 my only thought was, "This isn't how I planned 1856 01:07:43,393 --> 01:07:46,563 on spending my second junior year." 1857 01:07:46,563 --> 01:07:50,484 In the gulag taking hot dicks to the throat. 1858 01:07:50,484 --> 01:07:53,820 I get five steps from the cop, who looks impatient as shit. 1859 01:07:53,820 --> 01:07:57,365 He takes two big-ass steps, grabs me by the arm, 1860 01:07:57,365 --> 01:07:59,534 spins me away from my class, away from Igor, 1861 01:07:59,534 --> 01:08:01,077 pulls me right into his face and he goes, 1862 01:08:01,077 --> 01:08:03,038 "So... 1863 01:08:03,038 --> 01:08:05,790 I understand you're The Machine." 1864 01:08:07,667 --> 01:08:10,128 "Nice." 1865 01:08:13,924 --> 01:08:16,885 "Tonight you party with us." 1866 01:08:16,885 --> 01:08:19,262 I was like, "What?" 1867 01:08:19,262 --> 01:08:21,806 He's like, "Tonight you party with us, yes?" 1868 01:08:21,806 --> 01:08:23,642 And I looked at him and I was like, "Wait. 1869 01:08:23,642 --> 01:08:25,769 I'm not in trouble?" 1870 01:08:25,769 --> 01:08:27,229 And he gets so close to me 1871 01:08:27,229 --> 01:08:29,189 I can smell his morning cigarette and he goes, 1872 01:08:29,189 --> 01:08:31,358 "No. 1873 01:08:31,358 --> 01:08:34,361 Fuck that bitch. This is Russia." 1874 01:08:36,071 --> 01:08:38,698 Thank you. 1875 01:08:38,698 --> 01:08:41,785 Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. 1876 01:08:41,785 --> 01:08:42,786 Thank you. 1877 01:08:43,787 --> 01:08:45,121 Thank you. 1878 01:08:52,587 --> 01:08:54,506 Thank you so much. 1879 01:08:59,010 --> 01:09:01,972 Thank you so much, everyone, for coming out tonight. 1880 01:09:01,972 --> 01:09:04,266 From the bottom of my heart, this means the world to me. 1881 01:09:04,266 --> 01:09:05,350 Thank you so much. 1882 01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:13,858 Take care! God bless! 1883 01:09:13,858 --> 01:09:15,860 Captioning sponsored by LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP 1884 01:09:15,860 --> 01:09:17,862 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 138311

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