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www.addic7ed.com
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Oh, wow. Thank you, Laura. Thanks,
Paul. Yeah, that is lovely.
3
00:00:09,690 --> 00:00:12,818
Hm, yeah.
Really nice. Yeah.
4
00:00:14,355 --> 00:00:15,310
Thanks.
5
00:00:15,507 --> 00:00:18,347
It's just a little something
to welcome Becky to her new home.
6
00:00:18,472 --> 00:00:20,769
Yeah. No, that's lovely.
7
00:00:22,319 --> 00:00:23,288
Steve?
8
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,000
Yeah?
9
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,520
It's really nice.
10
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,200
The chair's real leather.
11
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So where d'you want it?
12
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:37,639
Oh, um...
13
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:38,440
Um...
14
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,280
They'll have it up there, Dad.
For maximum impact.
15
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:49,159
Um, er, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
16
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,760
Let's... let's put it up
above the bed.
17
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,959
Perfect.
Perfect?
18
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,400
Shall we check on dinner?
19
00:00:58,401 --> 00:01:00,959
OK.
20
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,160
Right.
21
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,959
Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
Bloody hell.
22
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,000
It's the ugliest thing
I've ever seen.
23
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That was the last one!
24
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,679
Oh, was it?
25
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,559
Right. You've got 20 seconds
to go to your stash of Mars bars,
26
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,439
wherever it is,
and get me one. 20...
27
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,079
I'm not going to do that.
..19, 18, 17,
28
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,279
16, 15, 14, 13,
29
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,000
12, 11.
D'you wish you'd started at 10?
30
00:01:57,001 --> 00:02:00,359
10, 9, 8, 7,
31
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,759
6, 5, 4, 3,
32
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,559
2, 1. Becky!
33
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,520
Shut up and eat your banana.
34
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:16,639
82p. 82p! Seriously, though.
35
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:20,079
82p for a banana.
D'you know what?
36
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,440
I think you've mentioned it.
I'm going to tell your dad.
37
00:02:22,441 --> 00:02:25,400
Don't tell my dad about it. I've got
nothing else to say to him.
38
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,240
Hm.
39
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,879
Did you top up the electricity?
40
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,599
Yeah, of course.
41
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,800
Oh! Great.
42
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,840
I think this is going to be nice
tonight.
43
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,680
DOORBELL RINGS
44
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,839
JILL: Oh, look at us, king and queen
45
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,519
of everything we survey.
Ah!
46
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,319
You look so handsome, Paul.
47
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,359
You are. Very photogenic, Paul.
PAUL: Thank you, Jill.
48
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,559
What d'you think?
49
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,159
Oh, that's nice.
50
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,040
That looks lovely up there.
51
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,519
Hello.
52
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,760
Hello, love. Oh.
Come in! Come in!
53
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,719
Is that it?
54
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:36,760
Yeah.
55
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:42,559
It's not even big. Come on in, babe.
56
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,520
You all right, Mike?
Glad you could make it.
57
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,759
Oh, bollocks.
58
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,720
I've left the beers in the car.
59
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,360
That's going to stink.
60
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:02,199
So you don't feel it's a little bit
like it's taking over the room a bit?
61
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,999
Yes. That's kind of the point.
Honestly, Mum.
62
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,759
It's the new millennium.
63
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,279
Take your head out your crack
and look around you.
64
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:11,640
Laura!
65
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:13,879
Peanut?
66
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,040
Er, no, I'm all right, thanks.
67
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,719
Oh, where's she got to, eh?
68
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,840
So what d'you think about me
doing your mum?
69
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,279
Pardon?
70
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:37,040
What d'you think about me
doing your mum?
71
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:43,119
Don't say that, Mike.
Be nice. Say you're seeing her.
72
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,719
Well, I'm not, I'm doing her.
What d'you think about it?
73
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,279
I think it's absolutely fantastic.
74
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,519
Good. Cos your mum's
a good-looking woman.
75
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,200
Someone's got to fuck her.
76
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,279
It really is a lovely photograph.
77
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,959
Oh, wow, the picture looks amazing!
78
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:05,560
Thank you, Steve.
It's of me and Paul.
79
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,959
Yeah. My mum's here.
80
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,720
She brought us these.
Wow...
81
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:14,839
. lovely.
82
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,958
She's just popped back to the car,
so she won't be a minute.
83
00:05:16,959 --> 00:05:18,240
PAUL: Excellent!
84
00:05:18,241 --> 00:05:21,079
It'll be marvellous for us all to get
together at last, won't it, Jill?
85
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,880
Yes.
86
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,200
OK.
87
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,719
So, what's on the menu this
evening? Well, Nigel,
88
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:38,399
it's a simple but delicious dish I used
to make for myself before I met Becky.
89
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,799
That's promising.
90
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:41,959
Dad!
91
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:45,639
I'm sure you'll like it
once you've tried it.
92
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,919
I bet you say that to all the boys,
don't you?
93
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,159
Yeah.
94
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,479
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
95
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:52,720
Sorry, everyone.
96
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,480
Hey, Shell. What?
97
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,999
Shelly, I thought you said
you didn't like that.
98
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,879
No, I'm the same.
99
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,999
You can get bored of your vagina,
can't you?
100
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,800
Hm, so how long was it in there for?
101
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:11,439
Oh!
God, Shelly!
102
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,000
Oh, my eye hurts.
D'you ever get that?
103
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,599
All right? Oh, here they are.
Come in, come in.
104
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,599
Everyone, this is, um, Mike.
105
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,039
He's my mum's... partner?
106
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,360
Partner, Mike.
Nice to meet you.
107
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:32,919
Ah-ha, and this is my mum, Janet.
LAUGHS
108
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:38,599
Er, Mum, this big sexy hunk
of an oaf is Nigel, Becky's dad.
109
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,039
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
110
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,359
And, er, and this...
this hot little thing...
111
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,319
no, it's not Becky's sister,
112
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,119
she's called Jill
113
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,440
and she's Becky's
very own yummy mummy.
114
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,120
This is my mum.
115
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:56,919
Nice to meet you at last.
Nice to meet you, yes.
116
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,760
And I'm Paul.
117
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,680
It's an honour to meet you,
Mrs Marshall.
118
00:07:03,681 --> 00:07:05,360
Yes. Nice to meet you.
119
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,040
Yeah.
120
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:14,120
And, um, I'm going to be his best
man when he marries Becky's sister.
121
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,679
Oh, Janet. Jill and Nigel have raised
122
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,879
such a wonderful daughter
123
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,440
and I just feel so lucky
to be marrying her.
124
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,040
OK.
125
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,159
What a lot of names.
126
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,719
LAUGHTER
127
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:38,040
Shelly, fuck's sake, I'm trying
to tell you how amazing Paul is!
128
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:47,359
Thank you. Now, what Paul does is,
if he doesn't come home one night,
129
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,239
the next morning,
or whenever he turns up,
130
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,079
he brings me a rose.
131
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,319
Yeah, a single red rose.
132
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,680
And he...
133
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,999
Oh, my God, Shelly, will you please
just shut the fuck up?
134
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,120
Look what Paul and Laura got us.
135
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,039
Oh, yeah. Very nice.
136
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,199
Nigel put it up.
137
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,839
Thank you, Nigel.
138
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,879
We don't have a date for the wedding
yet but hopefully next year, Paul?
139
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,560
If not sooner.
140
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,080
Isn't it lovely?
141
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,040
Lovely.
142
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:29,039
LAURA: Seriously, I don't test
anything on animals.
143
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,679
I don't know, it's just
one of my principles, I suppose.
144
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,040
Just like I'd never kill anyone.
145
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,960
D'you think you'd ever kill anyone,
Shell?
146
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,959
OK. But what if there was
an intruder
147
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,960
and he got Kieran
and started stabbing him?
148
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,720
OK. What if he was bumming him?
149
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:58,839
I got you this, Becky.
It's a housewarming present.
150
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,000
Oh!
151
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:02,679
Thanks, Janet.
152
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,399
It's just something silly.
153
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,039
That's very nice of you, Janet.
154
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,160
Yeah, thanks, Mum.
155
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,600
It's a football.
LAUGHTER
156
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,560
No, no. It's a pizza.
157
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,679
Oh. Wow!
158
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,960
Look, look, it's the same
as Steve's!
159
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,119
Becky was just saying the other day,
wasn't she,
160
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,480
how much she wanted one of those.
161
00:09:27,481 --> 00:09:29,359
Was she?
Dad.
162
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,680
Go on, then, put it on.
163
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,639
Oh, yeah, put it on, Becky.
164
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,320
You'll look lovely in that.
165
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,879
Hey!
166
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,000
Oh.
167
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,639
LAURA: Well, you know the problem
with you, Shell.
168
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,319
You use too much carbon.
169
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,039
You do.
170
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,480
You know you do.
171
00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,520
You've got a massive carbon
footprint, Shell.
172
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,440
Yes, you have.
173
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,919
You have, Shell. It's no wonder
we haven't got an ozone layer
174
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,200
with you traipsing about.
175
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,799
Well... well, the truth is, Shell,
176
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,679
you go through carbon
like it's going out of fashion.
177
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,519
You're a maniac.
178
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:31,920
It's embarrassing.
179
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,959
Everyone's noticed it.
They talk about it behind your back.
180
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,919
And is Steve your only child,
Janet? Yeah.
181
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,200
She did so well with me,
she didn't need another.
182
00:10:43,201 --> 00:10:45,799
I think it was probably
the other way round, Steve.
183
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,480
She thought, "Bloody hell. What's that?
Don't want another one of them."
184
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,599
Nigel's got a very dry
sense of humour.
185
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,320
I don't know what she's talking
about.
186
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,679
He was a nightmare as a kid,
wasn't he, Janet?
187
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:06,239
No! I was. I was hell as a baby.
Poor Mum,
188
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,200
I never slept, I cried every night.
189
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,599
No change there, then.
190
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:11,760
Oh, Nigel.
191
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,640
And it was a difficult birth.
I came out legs first.
192
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,319
Did he?
Yeah. Didn't I?
193
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,959
You poor thing.
Oh, it was awful, Jill.
194
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,439
He ripped me to shreds.
195
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,959
They had to patch me up
with bits of me thigh.
196
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,640
You can still see the damage
he did to it.
197
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,120
It's never been the same since.
198
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,720
I need to check on dinner. Yes.
199
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,400
Shall we sit down?
200
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,120
Yeah.
201
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,439
Anyone want a Guinness?
I bought 12.
202
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,000
LAURA: All right, Shelly.
203
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:07,639
Oh, my God!
204
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,280
She is absolutely amazing.
205
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,359
I made Shelly cry.
206
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,199
Oops.
207
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,360
SNIGGERS
208
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,999
"Patch me up"?
So are you going to...?
209
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,879
Leave it on.
Really?
210
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,120
Just till she's gone.
Oh.
211
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,480
Shut up.
212
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,400
So are you going to cut your
spaghetti up?
213
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,399
What does that mean?
214
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,840
I'm just worried about you eating
spaghetti in front of my dad.
215
00:12:46,841 --> 00:12:51,039
You get it all over your chin and
your cheeks. You look brain-damaged.
216
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,719
Shut up! Fuck off.
217
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,200
What about you when you eat a
chicken... you're like a wolf.
218
00:12:56,201 --> 00:12:59,240
There's no other way to eat a chicken.
You don't have to eat the bones.
219
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:05,639
I'm going to check your cock-sucking
mum isn't talking to my dad
220
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,200
about her messy gash.
221
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,200
Sorry.
222
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,639
JILL: So, how long have you two
been together?
223
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,040
MIKE: That's actually a bit of
a funny story, actually.
224
00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:23,239
It's quite a new thing, isn't it?
Yes.
225
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:27,839
Yeah.
Oh... lovely.
226
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,400
How nice.
227
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,759
We've been married 25 years
this year, haven't we?
228
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:37,120
You get less for murder.
LAUGHTER
229
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:42,439
Imagine that, Paul. Imagine
being married to me for 25 years.
230
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,319
He'll end up killing me.
231
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,400
No, I won't.
232
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,599
And how did you meet?
233
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,239
Well, they've known each other
for a long time, haven't you?
234
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,480
Cos Steve's very old school friends
with Mike's son, Barney.
235
00:13:55,481 --> 00:13:59,040
Barney's got a degree in Economics.
It's an A-level.
236
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,759
So you came together
through friendship?
237
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,359
Yes.
Exactly.
238
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,839
Well. Sort of.
Mike.
239
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:08,958
I've always fancied her.
240
00:14:08,959 --> 00:14:10,480
Then Friday night
I'm in Chicken Cottage,
241
00:14:10,481 --> 00:14:13,439
completely out of the blue,
she walks in.
242
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,959
We got chatting,
did a bit of kissing,
243
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,199
then we went back to mine
and did it...
244
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,440
none of this fussing about
with flowers and shit.
245
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,640
It was more romantic than it sounds.
246
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:36,479
Nigel...did you hear about
my banana?
247
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,400
No, I think I missed
that news bulletin, Steve.
248
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:44,160
That's very good, very good.
249
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,479
So what it was, was...
250
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,198
He bought this
very average banana.
251
00:14:49,199 --> 00:14:51,680
Yeah. Me and Becky went over
to Azeem's to do the Lottery
252
00:14:51,681 --> 00:14:54,119
and out of the blue,
I fancied a banana.
253
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,319
Just a normal banana.
Yeah.
254
00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,039
Thanks. So I went and chose one,
took it to the till.
255
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,199
Should've got it at the
supermarket! OK, thanks, Mike.
256
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,839
Um...
257
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,760
WATER TRICKLING
258
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,719
Where was I?
259
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,240
You chose a banana.
260
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,839
Oh, yeah, yeah.
OK, so I chose a banana.
261
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,879
They weighed it.
They weighed it
262
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,599
and I got them to re-weigh it,
and, um...
263
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,319
TRICKLING CONTINUES
264
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,719
they still charged me,
get this, 82p.
265
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,160
For a banana!
For a banana. I'll show you.
266
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,839
This is what it's like
living with him.
267
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,559
He hasn't shut up about
his bloody banana.
268
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,639
I've seen it, seriously,
it's not even big.
269
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,839
Those corner shops are always
expensive, aren't they, Mum?
270
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,000
Laura...
271
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:56,239
I can't find it. But, er, seriously,
it's just the size
272
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,879
of a basic banana.
82p!
273
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,039
Cor, 82p!
274
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,479
Those corner shops
are always expensive, Steve.
275
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,520
That's why me and Mum
are going to join the BNP.
276
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,439
Are you?
LAUGHTER
277
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,600
It's not...
278
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:16,798
They just put a leaflet
279
00:16:16,799 --> 00:16:18,640
through the door.
They've got policies about it.
280
00:16:18,641 --> 00:16:21,279
They're proper politicians.
They've got a leader and everything.
281
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,439
Laura!
Winston Churchill was a member.
282
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,959
OK, Laura.
283
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,639
They just say what we all think.
284
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,439
I'm not thinking that.
285
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,759
No. Good.
LAUGHS
286
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,479
I don't think
any of us are thinking that.
287
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:39,639
I don't think Laura's actually
saying she'd actually join the BNP.
288
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:43,000
Yes, I am, Steve.
82p's a lot of money for a banana.
289
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,519
Nigel, hungry?
290
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,959
Yes, Steve. Very.
291
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:54,320
Excellent. Pink wafer? Another beer?
292
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,959
No, thanks, I'm fine. I'm driving.
Goody-two-shoes, isn't he, Jill?
293
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,999
Have another beer, you silly old
sod.
294
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:07,720
I'm driving my family home, Steve.
I'm not going to do that drunk.
295
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:12,880
OK.
296
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:25,360
TOILET FLUSHES
297
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:33,720
I'm not joining the BNP. I really was
just passing my eyes over their leaflet.
298
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,599
OK, Jill.
299
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:44,319
What you want to do is go down
an Asda's or a Tesco's,
300
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:49,199
buy, like, ten bananas there,
they'll be 20p each or some shit.
301
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,039
Then you get yourself down
a greengrocer's,
302
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,918
tell 'em you bought these ten bananas
off 'em
303
00:17:54,919 --> 00:17:56,558
and there's something wrong
with 'em.
304
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:58,360
I put holes in mine with me penknife.
305
00:17:58,361 --> 00:18:01,479
Use your imagination,
make something up.
306
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:05,759
So, you demand your money back,
threaten them a bit,
307
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,399
push over some of their stock,
eventually they'll give you a refund,
308
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:13,679
which by their prices is normally
more like... 30p for each banana.
309
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:17,999
I don't know about this 82p bollocks.
So they give you a refund,
310
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,199
you walk out, you basically
done nothing for an hour
311
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,680
and you've made yourself a quid.
Pure profit. That's what you want to do.
312
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,039
DOORBELL RINGS
313
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,840
Thanks, Mike. I'll remember that
next time I need a pound.
314
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,239
Yes, interesting idea, Mike.
315
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,280
Thank you.
We'll look into that, won't we?
316
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,880
It works for apples too.
Does it?
317
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,680
D'you think this might be
the worst idea you've ever had?
318
00:18:48,681 --> 00:18:52,519
Yes. Go in there
and make conversation.
319
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,560
Yeah. Like I know how to do that(!)
320
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,440
Um, not long till dinner.
321
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:04,039
Oh, hello, Dan.
What d'you think?
322
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,200
Oh, it's nice.
323
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,559
Did you want something?
I'm cooking.
324
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:11,760
Are you?
LAUGHS
325
00:19:11,761 --> 00:19:13,640
Dan.
326
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,800
I'm going for a Big Mac with Anita.
Thought I'd make the effort.
327
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,160
I thought she...
328
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:29,799
It... You know,
329
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,400
I thought you'd split up?
Why?
330
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:35,959
She had sex with her uncle?
331
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,880
Yeah... bloody women.
332
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,279
It's a nice photo, isn't it?
333
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,600
ALL: Yes, very nice.
334
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,360
Anything else?
Nope.
335
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,319
Better be off.
I'm already an hour late.
336
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,039
Oh!
Bye, Steve.
337
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,080
Bye.
338
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,960
DOORBELL RINGS
339
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,679
I forgot to give you this.
340
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,719
MUSIC PLAYS
341
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,040
What's this?
342
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,520
Dan!
343
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,920
Dinner's nearly ready.
Great.
344
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,600
I hope you're all hungry.
ALL: Mmm!
345
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,719
What sort of food
do you like, Janet?
346
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,919
Oh, um, all sorts.
347
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,679
Yeah. Everything, really.
348
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:07,119
We like a nice Chinese, don't we?
Yeah. Flied lice.
349
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,840
LAUGHTER
350
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,440
Yes. Chinese is very nice.
351
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,559
Paul. Love you long time.
352
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,039
Paul, Paul. Love you long time.
353
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,359
BECKY: How long, Steve?
354
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:26,399
Just adding the secret ingredient!
OK.
355
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,479
LAURA: Or there's the other one,
isn't there, the Indian one?
356
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,799
"My name is Rupinda."
LAUGHS
357
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:37,000
Paul, Paul, look at me.
Would you like some naan bread?
358
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,320
Or vegetables.
359
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,239
OK, Laura, that's enough, yeah?
360
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,519
Well, if you're going to live here,
lose the accent. Isn't it, Mum?
361
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,639
OK, Laura.
Do you really think that?
362
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,559
No, she doesn't, do you?
363
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,359
Oh, lighten up, everyone. I'm just
being funny, aren't I, Paul?
364
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,199
Yeah. It's hilarious.
365
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,120
Do you have any idea
what he actually thinks of you?
366
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,399
Becky, get the food.
367
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:12,080
Steve!
Just adding the magic twist.
368
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,439
Laura and Paul
are very happy together.
369
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,759
They have their ups and downs,
but they're very much in love.
370
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,039
Thank you.
371
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,919
So who was that I saw him with
on Sunday, then?
372
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:25,999
OK, Mike, let's leave that there.
373
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,159
Da-dah!
374
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,119
Dinner is served.
375
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,639
Ooh, good!
He's just being silly.
376
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,839
I hope you're all hungry.
377
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,640
Yeah.
378
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:45,919
Oh, it looks lovely, Steve.
Don't it, Mike?
379
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,359
It's food.
380
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,400
What is it?
Um, well...
381
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,599
it's spaghetti nuggets.
I invented it myself.
382
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,639
It's, er, spaghetti, mushrooms,
chicken nuggets and a dollop of Rag...
383
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,360
And there's more of everything
if you want it.
384
00:23:00,361 --> 00:23:02,880
Help yourself to ketchup. Becks.
385
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,840
What is it?
386
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,439
Oh, my God!
387
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,359
You had your piano lesson on Sunday,
didn't you?
388
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,759
Yeah, of course I did.
389
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,159
Of course he did.
390
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,439
Here we are.
391
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,159
Nigel, get that down ya.
392
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,719
Mmm!
393
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:32,599
Laura, bon appetit. And last,
but by no means least, Paul.
394
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,319
OK, now, um,
395
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,519
er...
396
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:41,039
Thanks. OK, well, before we all get
stuck in, I know we're all hungry.
397
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:43,319
It looks amazing, Steve.
398
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,479
OK, but I'd just like to
propose a toast.
399
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,519
Really?
Yes.
400
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,839
OK.
Um, OK, well, this is a toast, um,
401
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,319
to everyone, really.
402
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:57,519
Er, so, to Nigel and Jill for
letting me have Becky here with me.
403
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:02,760
Oh, well... there's always a bed
at ours if she needs it.
404
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,119
OK.
405
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:10,639
And, er, for all the help
you've given us with the move.
406
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,040
I don't know what we'd have done
without ya.
407
00:24:12,041 --> 00:24:16,119
Nothing, you'd have done nothing
cos you were bloody useless.
408
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,959
I'm sure he wasn't that bad.
409
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,599
He really didn't have a clue.
410
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,800
They still haven't unpacked!
411
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,399
Yeah, OK,
412
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,919
and also to my lovely mum,
413
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,279
er, and... and Mike,
414
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:32,959
mustn't forget Mike,
415
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,919
for everything you've done for me
throughout my life.
416
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,560
No worries, mate. It's a pleasure.
417
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:44,440
And to Laura and Paul,
who were great.
418
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:58,879
Er, good. And finally, of course, thank
you to Becky for moving in with me,
419
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,479
um, though don't ask me why she has.
420
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,159
LAUGHS
421
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:10,359
She has been great, though. I think
she even did the washing-up... once!
422
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,679
LAUGHS
423
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,639
Um...
424
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:19,839
um... but she did top up
the, er, the, um, little, um,
425
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:23,719
er, electricity stick thing
all on her own today.
426
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:25,200
Well done, Becky.
427
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,960
So...
428
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:37,720
To everyone.
429
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,479
To everyone.
To everyone.
430
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,600
To everyone.
431
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,560
OK. Dig in.
432
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:59,239
LAURA: Don't you dare come out
and speak to me. You lied to me
433
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:00,400
about piano lessons.
Laura...
434
00:26:00,401 --> 00:26:03,599
Everything all right, Nigel?
Not eating your dinner?
435
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,879
It's not really dinner, is it?
436
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,839
Dad!
437
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,439
It's spaghetti nuggets.
438
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,560
I think it's lovely.
It's very original.
439
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,040
It's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
440
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,800
Nigel! Dad!
441
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,599
Got anything better I can have,
Steve?
442
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,319
A plate of worms, maybe. Some scabs.
443
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:28,319
Oh, eat your dinner, you fucking
twat.
444
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,000
Mike!
445
00:26:30,025 --> 00:26:31,225
Subtitles by APOLLO
www.addic7ed.com
446
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,759
? My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang
Boom-bang-a-bang
447
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:43,879
? When you are near
448
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,839
? Boom-bang-a-bang-bang all the time
449
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:51,159
? It's such a lovely feeling
450
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:55,439
? When I'm in your arms
451
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:59,799
? Don't go away
I want to stay my whole life through
452
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:01,440
? Boom-bang-a-bang-bang
Close to you. ?
453
00:27:01,490 --> 00:27:06,040
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